Last time we left our heroes, Johnny and Curtis, had gone to the last place left in town where felonious fellows tend to gather, The Playground, a den of semi-illicit activity and of complete ill-repute.
While Jessica and Megan adorned several old articles of clothing generously given to them by the kindly Mr. Silvers, in order to dress up as dirty old men, to infiltrate The Playground, to extract and scold their care-free men.
Here, now, is Spicy Detective Volume II: The Impromptu Double-Date!
Stay Tuned!
Spicy Detective Volume II: The Impromptu Double-Date!
By: D.
Jessica and Megan stood outside the quaint cafe, it was getting a bit brisk now, as the night soldiered on. Thankfully, Mr. Silvers's old over-coats that they were using to dress up as old men to blend into the scene at the Playground were warm so they remained toasty as Megan opened the Gröüper app in her phone, the most popular ride-share application, in Clear Point, New Jersey.
She typed in "Midnight Cafe" to "The Playground" and it said a black Toyota supra would arrive in three minutes. The driver, it stated, was named Gwaran and he had a five star rating as a Gröüper driver.
"A black supra's gonna be here in three minutes, driver's name's Gwaran, okay Jess, so let's get our game faces on!" declared Megan to her new bestie.
"Okay, great, sugar, let's get into character... start acting like a man, honey," said Jessica.
"What do guys do? They swear a lot, no?" asked Megan as she looked at her charcoal beard in the window of the cafe.
"Not really, just grunt a lot, and don't smile so often, and lower the treble in your voice, baby," explained Jessica as the supra approached.
"Gröüper?" asked Megan to make sure the approaching supra was the Gröüper supra.
"Yes," answered the driver, Gwaran, as he rolled down the window ever-so slightly.
The two ladies, dressed as men, entered the vehicle. Megan on the left-hand side and Jessica on the right-hand side. They tried their best to avoid conversation with the Gröüper driver as they weren't sure in such close-proximity that their cover wouldn't be blown, but, Gwaran had other ideas as he opened the conversation promptly.
"In my culture, we do not go to the strap clabs, they are not what my culture allows," said Gwaran plainly.
"Well, Gwaran, me n' my bro, um, Keanu, just want to enjoy a night on the town, we've been under a lot of fucking stress at our job, at the, uhhhh, financial center, the bank, I mean," replied Jessica as she thought up a fake name for Megan.
"Yeah, uuuuuh, my bro and I, Sam, just want to look at a few bucked-naked ladies to let off some steam, if you know what I mean, Gwaran," grunted Megan as she thought up an alias for Jessica, Sam, the name of Johnny Depp's character in the last movie she watched, Benny and Joon, starring Johnny Depp.
"I have never been inside of a strap clab for my culture does not partake in such activity. We eat freshly steamed vegetables, drink tea diligently, and never go inside of strap clabs," explained Gwaran as they approached the Playground.
"To each their own," replied Megan.
"It is noble of thee to live by such ascetic virtues and avoid the temptations of sin," said Jessica.
"America is a very-very big Satan, a tremendous Satan, and I never should have ever moved here," declared Gwaran.
"We understand, bro" grunted Megan.
"What is it like, what pray-tell my dear brothers, is the inside of a strap clab like?" asked the inquisitive Gwaran.
"It's pretty cool, bro, it has like a lot of boobs n' butts n' stuff," answered Megan, who she herself, also had never been inside of a strip club, but assumed rightfully that it had many boobs and also had many butts about the place.
Gwaran was getting nervous and started to sweat...
"Boobs and butts?" asked Gwaran for clarification.
"Oh yes, boobs and butts, galore!" declared Jessica.
"Although my tired eyes would love to gaze upon both of boobs and of butts... I shall never stray from the righteous path of my birth culture... I shall never allow myself to become Americanized... and I shall remain true to my own self... for the pureness of my male heart-essence shall not be tainted by the simple allure of boob nor butt..." declared Gwaran passionately.
"I respect that, bro," said Jessica.
"Me too, uhhh, bro," agreed Megan.
"Alright, Keanu and Sam, we have arrived at your destination, please take care, and try to avoid the trouble," said Gwaran as he parked the supra and let them exit the vehicle.
"Thanks, G!" said Jessica.
"Yeah, thanks, Gwaran, I mean, bro," said Megan.
As Gwaran drove off into the darkness of the night in his black Toyota supra... he stated to himself an inner-soliloquy regarding the situation...
"Since I came to America, the tremendous Satan in country form, I have toiled and toiled, working two jobs to support myself and my honorable family. I toil daily doing customer service for Babylon and toil away the night driving passengers for Gröüper. I shan't stray from my ascetic path of nobleness and of righteousness... but... one day... I would like to enter a strap clab... and also gaze upon the ampleness of both boob and of butt... and maybe also eat some chocolate bars!" inwardly soliloquyed Gwaran into the night's sky as he drove away.
Megan and Jessica, now referring to each other as Keanu and Sam, approached the Playground, they bypassed several drunk men smoking cigarettes but avoided making eye-contact with the slobbish fellows and marched forward confidently and clear-headed as they had a clear goal in mind.
The doorman was a hefty African American fellow who sized them up...
"Never seen you guys here before..." stated the football-playing-sized man in a baritone, almost Barry White-esque style voice, to them.
"Uh, hi, me n' my bro, wanna get drunk and look at a coupla butts, tonight," informed Megan to the doorman.
"Yeah, dude, that's what me n' bro wanna do!" agreed Jessica.
"Fine, but, where's my TIP!?" demanded the hefty fellow guarding the door to the Playground.
"Uhhhh...." said Megan.
The two besties reconnoitred a few feet away from the hefty intimidating fellow...
"Do you have any cash on you?" asked Megan.
"No, I put all my cash on the counter of your cafe, after I felt bad about making a mess when we were eating all that damned ice cream!" responded Jessica as she realized she had no hard cash money.
"Maybe they take the Cashman app! I'll ask him!" thought Megan on-her-toes.
Megan and Jessica un-reconnoitred and re-approached the intimidating doorman...
"Uh, so, uh, bro, do you, like, take Cashman?" asked Megan with faux-confidence.
"Yeah," said the doorman.
"Okay! Cool! What's your email so I can wire you the tip!" exclaimed the excited Megan as she solved the problem which upheld the current situation to advance.
"My email is... demetriusgreen1978@slotmail.com, my man," said the surprisingly accommodating doorman.
"Okay, cool, Demetrius! How much should I tip you?" asked Megan.
"Standard rate is ten bucks..." informed Demetrius.
"Okay, cool, I'll wire ten bucks to you on Cashman," said Megan as she opened the Cashman app on her cellular phone.
"Each..." clarified Demetrius.
"Oh, okay, so two times ten... is twenty... okay, okay, I just sent you twenty bucks... did you get it, Demetrius?" asked Megan.
"Yeah, bro, chill-chill-chill, I got it, you guys can come in," said Demetrius as he vacated the doorway and ushered them inside.
"Thanks!" said Megan joyfully.
"Where do you guys wanna sit? Near the stage?" asked Demetrius.
Jessica and Megan have successfully infiltrated the strip club!
To Be Continued....
What did Jessica (AKA Sam) and Megan's (AKA Keanu) eyes behold as they entered the den off ill-repute?
Let me tell you...
They passed by seven gambling machines where they saw an over-weight man, probably of six-hundred pounds, in a mobility scooter, taking up three machines due to his girth and apparatus, probably gambling away his disability check, one twenty dollar bill at a time, eyes fixed at the machine's blinking lights, and not even looking at the stage or the strippers.
As they were guided to their seats near the stage, they saw slobs and businessmen as far as the eye could see! Slobs of all creeds and backgrounds, fat slobs, and skinny slobs too. The businessmen all had their ties loosened as they drank and hollered. An unusual sense of creeping meatballism captured them and seeped into their souls as they observed their new environment.
The strippers all huddled at one table near the back waiting for something to happen. They looked lonely and forlorn. Four women, in bikinis, just looking at their phones, not even talking to one-another, anxiously waiting for either a slob or business man to approach them and inquire of their services offered in the VIP lounges or awaiting their turn on stage.
It was a dreary place... but the most striking thing they noticed... was the smell. It smelled, bad, in there!
"This place smells ranky and skanky..." expressed Jessica.
"You said it, Sam, the only people here are slobs, skanks, and businessmen... it's pretty gross," agreed Megan.
"You see that guy gambling?" asked Jessica.
"Yeah, he's like six hundred pounds at least... I dunno... I sort of pictured the interior of a strip club as being more glamorous... to be honest," said Megan disappointedly.
They sat down, at a table with a good vantage point to the stage, just then a stripper passed by! She eyed them but kept walking as if she had somewhere to go in a hurry, but just went to sit at the stripper table and look at her phone like the others.
"Did you see her butt?" asked Jessica incredulously.
"Yeah, it's like, protruding outward, in a non-human fashion. It looks like plastic or..." responded Megan.
"I knew strippers and porno stars got boob-implants but I had no idea that they also got... butt implants," said Jessica.
"They look so fake it's not even hot. This one, especially, she looks like a damned martian," joked Megan.
"She does! She looks like a dang alien with those stupid butt implants!" agreed Jessica.
The waitress came to take their order...
"What do you guys want?" asked the grizzled veteran waitress.
"Rum and coke..." said Jessica.
"Me too..." said Megan.
"Great!" said the waitress as she went to get their drinks.
As Megan scoped the tables around them, waiting for her drinks, she saw him! Oh my god! It was Curtis! He was sitting with Johnny Spice almost right next to them! She played it cool and pretended not to notice her dumb boyfriend.
"There they are... those low-down dirty dawgs..." said Jessica as she also saw those two men of theirs.
"I know... Curtis looks so stupid... he's ogling that martian's butt... what an idiot. A Barbie doll has a better butt than that! Give me a friggin' break..." said Megan as she rolled her eyes.
"That's him alright, the bozo, who called me a stoop thief," informed Jessica.
"Oh, Curtis, what is the matter with you?" wondered Megan as the waitress arrived with their rum and cokes.
Meanwhile at an almost adjacent table...
"Look at those two, Curtis, they look really out of place," said Johnny Spice.
"Who?" asked Curtis who couldn't take his eyes off the stripper's butt who had butt implants.
"Those two older guys in the trench coats and swarmy facial hair... they look really out of place here," suggested Johnny.
"How, so, Johnny? How so?" wondered Curtis as he turned to look at the two over-coated fellows near their table.
"You don't think they look out-of-place? Could be up-to-something those two," asked Johnny.
"You know who looks weird? That fat guy playing video poker! He's probably a damned stoop thief!" declared Curtis.
"The fat guy with the scooter!? How's a six hundred pound man gonna find the agility and nimbleness needed to steal packages off of doorways? Gimme a break!" responded Johnny.
Curtis didn't even respond as he was too busy ogling the stripper's butt implants once again...
"Come on, Curtis, let's go sit with those older guys... and let me ask the questions... I know they aren't what they seem... trust me," said Johnny as he got up to sit with the two men in the over-coats as Curtis followed suit.
Jessica and Megan saw them approach and looked at each other knowingly...
"Good evening, gentlemen, name's Spice, are you two enjoying your evening?" asked Johnny as he sat down with Jessica and Megan, yet their identities were unbeknownst to Johnny, as the ladies were dressed incognito as old dudes, so they could spy on Johnny and Curtis.
"Oh yes, we love this place, we love the butts, and we sure do love the boobs too," said Jessica in a man's voice.
"We are two men who most surely do enjoy butts," agreed Megan.
"I like butts too, especially that one with the light blue bikini... her butt is really something else!" said Curtis about the stripper with the butt implants.
"..." said Megan.
"Hmmm... something about your eyes... would you join me, privately at a separate table, for a moment..." Johnny asked Jessica.
"Sure thing..." said Jessica as she and Johnny got up to sit at another table leaving Megan alone with Curtis.
As Johnny sat down with Jessica and they were finally, at last, alone, he said, without missing a beat...
"I know it's you, Jessica, I'd recognize those beautiful eyes anywhere..." said Johnny Spice.
"...!?" replied the shocked Jessica.
Meanwhile back at the other table where Megan was finally alone with that no-good low-down Curtis of hers...
"So, uh, bro, what did you cool guys, like, do tonight, bro?" asked Megan in her best man-voice.
"Well, it's like this, dude, me n' Spice, are out looking for my video card that got stolen, right off of my own stoop, and we've had to go to some pretty cool places to find it... like Sandy's, a Pokémon collector's storage unit, the Viper Room, and now here, the Playground. Well, Johnny just told me about Sandy's, and how he hosed-down some stinky boys, I didn't actually go to Sandy's with him. All in all, we've had a terrific night! It's probably the best night of my life! I can't even believe I got to see a butt that looks like that! It is truly, without a shadow of a doubt... the greatest time I have ever had!" declared Curtis oblivious and aplomb to whom he was actually speaking to.
"..." replied Megan, as she learned this was the best day of her boyfriend's life, just hanging out with a cool guy who looked like Johnny Depp and going to bad boy places all night long. She began to recall all of the wonderful nights her and Curtis spent over the twilight of her years and how those numerous great days and nights just totally pale in comparison to him just looking at some martian's posterior.
Those lovely days spent at museums, theme parks, comic cons, that one time they stayed home and watched The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie in their jammies together, and those lonely nights they spent at her coffee shop... she realized they all meant nothing... they all paled in comparison... to him looking at a woman's butt who had weird fucking butt implants.
Megan was pretty furious with Curtis... her wrath was about to be unleashed!
To Be Continued...
Meanwhile at the other table...
"The way you sang that Wesley Willis song about Johnny Depp to me, Jessica, it was like an angel from heaven coming to earth to bless my ears with a divine hymn from above... I... was totally taken by the beauty of your face and the angelic nature of your voice at the Viper Room..." said that suave, smooth, and sweet Johnny Spice.
Jessica, still dressed as a man, began to become all misty-eyed, as the tears began rolling down from her gentle eyes and began smudging the charcoal, used to make bagels at the Midnight Cafe, on her porcelain face.
"Oh... Johnny... I simply don't know what to say," said the teary-eyed woman dressed as an old man.
Just then the waitress came to check if they needed anything else...
"You guys okay over here? You want another drink or food?" asked the grizzled veteran waitress.
"You guys have food here?" asked Johnny.
Jessica had just eaten two buckets of ice cream before coming to the Playground and wasn't really hungry but Johnny Spice was simply famished and desperately wanted food quite badly.
"Yes, we do," said the waitress.
"I'm okay," said Jessica.
"What do you have?" asked Johnny Spice.
"We have hamburgers, pizza, fries, and onion rings on our regular menu... and one more item on our foreign exotic menu..." replied the waitress with a pad and pen in her hands.
"Hmmm, what is the mysterious item on your foreign exotic menu, please do tell me, my dear," inquired Johnny Spice.
"...it's french-canadian poutine," answered the veteran waitress plainly.
"What's in that?" asked Jessica, intrigued, as she stopped weeping momentarily.
"It's french fries, cheese curds, and gravy..." answered the waitress.
"That sounds... good... I'll take one," said Jessica.
"I shall take one, as well, my dear," said Johnny.
"Two poutines... okay... great," said the waitress as she went to get their exotic foreign food.
"You're such a wordly fellow, I really must say, Johnny..." said Jessica as she looked deeply unto his easy-going eyes.
"I love french food. Salmon meuniere, duck a l'orange... poutine... French 75s... also wines, various vinegars n' vinaigrettes too... I love all that stuff," bragged the well-travelled Johnny Spice.
"You're truly amazing, Johnny, wow, you know so much french stuff," said Jessica as she sloooowly but surely fell deeply in love with him.
Their impromptu first-date was going rather swimmingly. They were ever so much in love, is what they presently were, it is truly amazing when sparks fly, can you believe it?
While at the table of Megan and Curtis...
DAGGERS!
Megan's eyes were like tiny beads of pure anger! Her soul was ablaze with hatred for Curtis and his endless upon endless bullshit. Her eyes were like two little steel knives ready to stab and stab and stab! Oh my gosh.
"Did I say something wrong, dude?" asked Curtis to Megan, still dressed in the garb of an old man, as he still couldn't recognize his own girlfriend in-disguise.
Megan collected her thoughts and formed a better stratagem, in her mind, than to just throw a fit in a strip club at him whilst she was dressed like an elderly man. She knew she'd look pretty dumb doing that... and that big football player bouncer guy might throw her out... so she calmed down... and thought of something more fiendish and cunning to annoy her simpleton boyfriend!
"You said you and that sexy ol' Johnny Spice were looking for your video card that got picked-off your stoop? Right?" sinisterly implied the devilish Megan, with evil in her eyes, as she once again had to bring herself to say that silly word, stoop, that she was so sick of hearing at this point... because it was such a dumb word.
"Yeah, man, it sucks dick, but we're on the case! The toughest tag-team in Clear Point, me n' Spice, are on the case, dude!" replied the moron.
"Yeah, well... guess what, Curtis?" asked the devil-eyed Megan.
"What?" responded Curtis.
"...I'm the one who stole your fucking Babylon package! It was ME! What're you going to do about it, man!? Probably NOTHING, I bet!" inferred the evil-hearted Megan.
"Whut!?" gasped Curtis in total disbelief.
Back at the other table...
Whilst turmoil brewed at the adjacent table...
Johnny and Jessica had received their poutines... with lush potato wedges, decadent cheese curds, and topped with a rich brown sauce that had a savory aroma... as they began a very romantic dinner together without a care.
"How is your poutine, my dear, is it good?" asked Johnny.
"It is simply marvellous, Johnny, how's yours?" replied Jessica as she took a deep fork-filled bite of cheese curd and gravy.
"It is as wonderful as the company, my dear Jessica," replied the very sophisticated man, Johnny Spice, as he bit deeply into a succulent french fry.
To Be Continued...
Back at Curtis's and Megan's table...
"Yeah, bro, I stole it right offa yer darn stoop, right in broad-fucking-daylight, bro, a nice clean seven hundred dollar video card, straight from a Babylon warehouse right to your front door, intercepted by yours truly, CURTIS, yeah, I even know your name! I sniped it with the old five finger discount! Hahahahahahaha!" lied Megan to Curtis to get his goat.
"WHAT!? NO! REALLY!? NO WAY! I....I.... I gotta go tell SPICE, right away!" exclaimed Curtis, in shock, as he rose from the table with a clamor to go inform Johnny that this trench-coated, swarmy, old man had his Babylon package.
Curtis sprang over in a hurry to the other table as fast as his weirdly-inverted feet could carry him!
"Johnny! Johnny! This dirty old man has my package! He ADMITTED it to my very face! He's the dirty coot who nipped my card!" stammered Curtis.
Johnny was non-plussed and totally no-sold his reaction as Jessica had already told him the other trench-coated fellow at the other table was Curtis's girlfriend Megan under a clever guise.
"So? I'm busy eating my exotic french-canadian poutine with my friend... you handle it, this time, man," laughed Johnny as he took a bite of another fork-full of luscious poutine.
"..." answered the let-down and slightly shocked Curtis as he watched Johnny swallow a mouthful of a decadent-looking foreign dish that he did not immediately recognize.
"Okay, uh, okay, uh... so... Johnny, like, how did you get Sandy at Sandy's to let you hose those stinky boys down with the hose out back? Did you like, ask him, like, nicely, or?" inquired Curtis who was thinking of spraying the supposed old man who stole his video card down with a hose out back like he heard Johnny had done previously.
"Yeah, something like that, go outside and ask the bouncer if you can borrow his hose..." snickered Johnny in response.
"Okay, cool, cool, okay...." stammered Curtis as he went to the exit to ask the bouncer, Demetrius, if he could borrow the strip club's hose out back.
As Curtis left to inquire if the strip club had a hose he could borrow, Megan, slowly got up to go and sit at the table with Johnny and Jessica with a sinister smile on her face.
"What did you tell him, girl? Johnny knows it's us by the way, I couldn't fool his impregnable steel eyes," asked Jessica.
"You're his girlfriend? You just told him you stole his stupid thing?" asked Johnny.
"Yeah, just to see his reaction. It was worth it to dress up as an old man and sneak in here just to see the look on his face," responded Megan.
"You know he needs that thing for school, right? To research some cancers down at the cancer school, or some shit, right? It's not funny," said Johnny.
"What? He doesn't use his computer to research cancer! He needed a new video card to play Dutiful Hero Warriors, the massive multi-player online game, he's literally addicted to, and plays at least twelve hours a day!" corrected Megan angrily.
"What? I thought he needed it for school! He's just playing some Turd Boy Warriors on it, or whatever? What the fuck is wrong with this guy, for real!?" asked Johnny.
"Yo, Megan, you have to try this... it's called poutine...apparently... it's so good. If I knew about this shit before, I'd never waste a second on ice cream to cure my many man troubles, this shit is amazing! It even makes fried green tomatoes taste like ass in comparison!" explained Jessica.
"Really? I want some," said Megan.
"I want another rum and coke too... let's get that waitress... where'd she go? Oh, there she is," said Jessica.
"She's pretty hot that waitress. The waitress is hotter than the strippers, honestly, at least she looks normal," said Johnny.
"Yeah, she has nice boobs and a nice butt, and she doesn't need a bikini to let guys know she's hot," agreed Jessica.
"Yo, did you see the one with the butt implants, Johnny?" asked Megan.
"Yeah, she looks so dumb, she looks like a fucking martian!" exclaimed Johnny.
Jessica and Megan looked at each other and burst out laughing!
"I know! We said the same thing! Hahahahahaha!" laughed Megan heartily as Johnny noticed the same thing about that one stripper's weird looking butt.
"Hahaha! It's funny because it's true!" laughed Jessica.
Just then the grizzled veteran waitress, who it was agreed upon, was actually hotter than any of the strippers in there, returned to check on their table.
"Need anything?" asked the waitress.
"Yeah, I want to try this exotic poutine dish," said Megan.
"Ok," said the waitress as she jotted it down with her pen into her pad.
"I'll have another rum and coke," said Jessica.
"Me too... I thought you guys would only have watered-down pitchers of strip club beer... but I'll take a rum and coke this round," said Johnny.
"Ok," said the waitress.
"Wow, look at you two, you have so much in common..." said Megan with a twinge of jealousy in her voice as she commented on Johnny and Jessica's chemistry.
The waitress rushed off to get their food and drinks...
"So, you think, that bouncer will let Curtis go out in the back and use their hose?" asked Johnny.
"He told me you did that at Sandy's... I guess he thinks cool people deal with criminals by spraying them with hoses now! The bouncer, Demetrius, is pretty chill... he probably will..."said Megan.
"Are you gonna go out back and let him spray you down?" asked Jessica.
"I don't know... should I just slowly strip out of my over-coat and pretend I'm competing in a wet t-shirt contest? Haha, that'd be fun, I'm not even wearing a bra tonight," joked Megan.
"Hahaha," laughed Jessica.
"Wait, you really are serious that shithead just needs that fucking gimmick card to play some video game with other nerds?" inquired Johnny.
"Yeah, and he's even bad at video games too. He made me make an account on the game once, to be his healer, for him... like to replenish his hit points as he battled in battles... and even then... as the fucking healer... I was beating more enemies, getting more experience points, and rare-drops than him... while still having to heal him every two turns... as he just dicked around doing stupid-ass shit like a fucking moron the whole time! He's not even any good at that fucking game!" complained Megan.
"Damn, your man troubles are like a damn mountain that dwarfs my man troubles and makes my minuscule man troubles look like a little fucking mole hill in comparison to your epic man troubles, baby-girl," sighed Jessica in disbelief as she took a sip of rum and coke.
"Hey, let's go outside with Curtis, but... let's turn the tide on that little shithead... and I mean... turn the tide... in a literal fashion," suggested Johnny Spice with a salty sneer about his lips.
"You mean?" asked Jessica.
"Oh, you... you're gonna spray CURTIS with the hose out back?" asked Megan.
"No, Megan... YOU... are gonna spray Curtis with that hose, baby," declared Johnny.
"!?" said Megan.
The hot waitress then returned with their poutine and drinks...
To Be Continued...
Curtis rushed back inside, ecstatic, and proclaimed to Johnny Spice with glee in this voice...
"Johnny! Johnny! The bouncer let me borrow the hose out back! I can do it! Just like you did at Sandy's and make you proud of me! I'm gonna go out back and spray this rotten old man down with the hose and make him all wet and it's really gonna teach this old fool a lesson n' a half!" decreed Curtis as slobs, skanks, and businessmen all turned to look at him with scornful eyes as he shouted.
"He let you use it?" asked Johnny as he finished his delicious poutine.
"Yeah, I just had to give him twenty bucks!" proudly responded Curtis.
"You had money!? You didn't have money at the Viper Room or here to pay for anything!" annoyingly inquired Johnny in response.
"I just cashmanned him on Megan's Cashman app!" said Curtis.
"...!?" replied Megan still incognito to Curtis in the plain garb of an old man.
Megan checked her Cashman history in her phone, and sure enough, another transfer of twenty dollars was made to demetriusgreen1978@slotmail.com... she was at her wits end now with Curtis!
"Urrrrgh! You wanna spray me down with a fucking hose!? You fucking moron! Then come on let's go out back!" angrily said Megan as she stormed out of the place and started walking around the building as the others followed suit.
Jessica, Johnny, and Curtis followed her out back and around the building. Jessica and Johnny were walking normally, even slightly angrily, out back... while Curtis... skipped and hummed like a school boy as he was excited to spray, what he thought was a weird old man who stole his video card of his stoop, with a hose.
The exterior of the strip club, in the back, was pretty plain and non-descript. There were garbage dumpsters and old shopping carts... and yes... tied up on a brick wall... was a hose.
Yet, when they got to the back... Johnny and Jessica grabbed Curtis and held him firmly in place!
"Do it, baby-girl!" said Jessica as she held Curtis.
"Yeah, give him a blast or three of that stinky strip-club hose-water for me, sweetie!" said Johnny.
"Aaah! Traitors! Treachery! You were in CAHOOTS from day one! You were ALL in CAHOOTS to upend me! Traitors! Charlatans! Unhand me!" screamed Curtis, from words he had heard said in Dutiful Hero Warriors, to them.
Megan unravelled the hose, set the nozzle-setting on the gun-like nozzle to Full Throttle Central Jet Stream... and was about to pull the trigger on Curtis. She took her hat and over-coat off... exposing herself to him... as she held the nozzle of the hose at his head!
"Any last words, Curtis, before I hose you down in this strip-club alley?" asked Megan confidently.
"MEGAN!? NO! HOW!? WHY!? You're a co-conspirator against me!? You co-conspiratated against me!?" whined Curtis who was afraid of water and hated getting wet.
"Our neighbours brought over your package after mistaking it for ulcer pills that they ever-so-urgently needed. Your video card is at home... safe and sound," explained Megan as she held a hose nozzle to her boyfriend's head.
"It is!? THANK GOD! Oh... I'm so relieved..." expressed Curtis almost forgetting he was being held down and about to get severely soaked.
"DO IT, MEGAN!" implored Johnny.
Megan squeezed the trigger of the nozzle... but then let go... and threw the hose on the ground...
"WHAT!?" exclaimed Jessica in disbelief.
"I can't do it... Mr. Silvers, the wonderful man who gave us his old suits so we could infiltrate this shady den... told me that one of the stinky boys that Johnny hosed down at Sandy's... caught a terrible-terrible pneumonia... and I can't do it... as angry as I am at Curtis for making such a big deal over his lost Babylon package... I cannot risk giving the poor soul a terrible pneumonia..." sadly explained Megan with a single tear in her eye.
"Megan..." said Curtis as he finally understood what everyone was so annoyed about.
"What?" asked Megan as she wiped the single tear from her eye and regained composure.
"I..." but before Curtis could finish he heard a loud cry from Johnny Spice.
"No! That stinky boy is sick!? No! I gave a smelly boy a fucking pneumonia over some Babylon package that was never even lost to begin with!?" said Johnny mad at himself.
"Oh, sweet, sweet, Johnny... my sweet, sweet, sweet, Johnny Spice... don't be so hard on yourself," comforted Jessica.
"Damnit! Damnit! You think when Johnny Depp, my idol, cruises into a small town and tries to teach it how to learn how to love again... that he sprays stinky boys down with hoses and almost kills them over some fucking video card!? I'm a sham! I'm no Johnny Depp! I'm a total fucking sham of a man! I am a complete SHAM!" screamed Johnny Spice into the night's sky.
"No, Johnny, no... you are not a sham... no," said Jessica as she patted his silky Johnny Depp-like hair.
Curtis was starting to realize how big a mess he made of things and his dopey smile quickly vanished from his face and was replaced with a dopey frown.
Megan, quick-on-her-toes, called Mr. Silvers to ask if he knew where stinky Eric was!
"Mr. Silvers! How are the blintzes and bagels coming along? Oh really? Great! Say, do you have the address or anything about the stinky boy, Eric, who no-showed at the cafe tonight? REALLY? At the what!? He's at the hospital!? Which one? The University one or... oh... the Brownville one? Okay, yeah, okay. Thanks again for lending me and my bestie your old clothes... we successfully infiltrated a strip club in them! Okay, okay... okay bye, thanks again, Mr. Silvers," said Megan on her cell phone to Mr. Silvers.
"He's at the Brownville hospital?" asked Jessica.
"Yeah," said Jessica.
"Let's hurry! I have to right this outrageous wrong!" stated Johnny Spice.
The four made tracks around the building to Johnny's Viper!
To Be Continued...
They hightailed it like the wind in the Viper to the Brownville Medical Facility!
When they arrived, the four passionate people exited the vehicle in a hurry, and ran into the medical facility to find that smelly boy, Eric, who was possibly perishing of pneumonia!
Johnny marched, briskly, to the front desk and demanded the whereabouts of smelly Eric from the female attendant...
"Where is he!? Where is that smelly boy, Eric!?" said Johnny.
"Are you looking for a sick child?" asked the attendant.
"No, Mr. Silvers told me that Eric is over forty years old..." explained Megan.
"Yeah, he's not a kid, he just has a youthful innocence to his face..." concurred Johnny.
"Little guy, named Eric, smells awful, correct?" asked the attendant.
"Yes," answered Johnny.
"He's in room 114... he's probably not gonna make it... Doctor Holly says he has contracted legionnaires disease," explained the attendant.
"...!" said Johnny as he raced off, in a hurry, to room 114 to find the smelly forty year old man he sprayed with a hose.
Johnny and the crew arrived at the room, opened the door... and saw... what was left of Eric the stinky boy. He was laying on his back, quietly breathing slowly, looking like a greyish yellow pool of muck.
"Ew," said the un-empathetic Curtis as he looked at the dying smelly guy.
Johnny sat next to the bed and held the smelly boy's hand gently... when Eric looked up... his vision was blurred from the legionnaires disease and he simply couldn't make it out, clearly, who had come to visit him. The stinky boy had no family or friends and didn't know who would come to visit him as he lay dying of legionnaires disease.
As the stinky boy was happy to welcome a visitor, he FORCED his tired greyish yellowy eyes to open and gaze upon his visitor's visage...
"J... Johnny? J...J.... Johnny Depp?" asked the smelly dying boy slowly.
"...?" replied Johnny Spice.
"Is it really you? Am I... am I dreaming? Is it really you!? Is it really you, Johnny Depp!?" asked Eric with new found hope.
"Uh... yeah... man... it's me... for sure, dude... it's me... the one and only Johnny Depp," lied Johnny Spice to the dying forty year old boy-like man.
"Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides... is my all-time favorite movie... Johnny.... Depp," slowly said the dying Eric.
"That's my favorite one also! I had to find the fountain of youth in that one!" said Johnny Spice.
"Yeah... I know... it's awesome... I... I... I love you... Johnny Depp," said the now almost-fully awake Eric.
Just then Doctor Holly, the resident physician of the Brownville medical facility entered room 114. He wanted to check on his dying patient... and lo... did his eyes deceive him!? No, they did not! The doctor walked in to find this dying man was now fully cognizant!
Doctor Holly asked all visitors to wait outside as he wanted to re-examine and re-diagnose the patient. Johnny and the others left the room to wait outside.
"Looks like he's gonna be okay..." stated Johnny profoundly relieved.
"Yeah, it looks like everything turned out sort-of alright in the end," said Megan.
"Sometimes that's all you can ask for in this topsy-turvy world we all live in... sometimes we can only ask that things turn out... sort-of alright... in the end," said Jessica.
"..." replied Curtis as he didn't know what to say.
The Doctor then exited the room with a smile on his old weary face!
"Is he okay Doc!?" asked Johnny Spice.
"Yes, he's going to be alright, his vitals have all stabilized," answered Doctor Holly.
"Thank goodness!" said Megan.
"How did he contract legionnaires disease? Can you get it from being sprayed by a hose? I sprayed that smelly guy down pretty bad with a hose recently..." asked Johnny Spice.
"No, no, no... he's had it for some time... he's had it for several weeks according to my initial tests," explained the Doctor.
"Okay, so, he didn't catch it from me spraying him? Thank goodness," said Johnny.
"..." said Megan, inwardly regretting not hosing down dopey Curtis, after she was convinced Eric contracted terrible legionnaires disease from being sprayed by a hose.
"May I ask you something?" asked the Doctor to Johnny Spice.
"Yeah, Doc, ask me anything..." said Johnny.
"You resemble Hollywood's finest actor, Johnny Depp, do you not?" asked the Doctor who already knew the answer.
"Yes he does," answered Jessica for Johnny.
"That smelly man, he claimed an angel visited him from heaven, while I re-diagnosed him. He claims the angel held his hand and told him his favorite movie was also... Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides... and that this angel from heaven looked an awful lot like... Johnny Depp," said the Doctor.
"I did tell this ragged little fellow that I was Johnny Depp, held his small dying hand, and agreed with him that the best movie in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, is in fact four, the one where they look for the fountain of youth, it's called, On Stranger Tides..." said Johnny with a twinkle in his eye.
"My dear man... you saved this ragged fellow's life! It's... a miracle!" proclaimed the Doctor with glee!
"Wow!" said Jessica who was enamoured with Johnny Spice.
"Yeah, great, great, great... everyone's happy... right? Good," said Megan who was fed up and wanted to go home and go to bed.
Megan began leaving without even saying bye to anyone as she had now had enough of this nonsense at this point... Curtis ran after her... and they both went back to their mundane lives.
Johnny took Jessica by the hand and said,
"Jessica, I am going to Atlantic City next, on my endless and mysterious vagabond's voyage... would you accompany me, mademoiselle?" asked Johnny Spice.
"Of course, Johnny, I would follow you to the ends of the earth," replied Jessica as he held her hand.
Johnny and Jessica, holding hands, walked out of the hospital... got in Johnny Spice's Viper... and drove off as the morning's sun began to rise...
THE END
Hold on, wait...
Super Happy Bonus Ending
In her humblest of abodes, Megan, was once again frying up some home fries and pan-seared hamburgers in a frying pan... waiting for Curtis... to come home.
Where was that scoundrel, this time, you ask?
Why, he was back at Carlo's storage unit, looking at Pokémon cards and action figures!
"Carlo, I saved up some money, you see... and... I would like to purchase your Gold Star Rayquaza... if you will part with it," inquired Curtis of the Pokémon collector.
"Of course my dear friend Curtis..." replied Carlo as he sold him the Rayquaza.
Curtis humbly thanked the man and promptly departed his storage locker to return home to his apartment...
Curtis made haste to return home and as soon as he opened the door, Megan, who looked sort of hot in a crisp turquoise tank-top and tight faded jeans, asked...
"Where have you been, sweet Curtis, the hamburgers are getting cold..." said Megan forlornly.
"I... I... got you something... Megan," replied Curtis.
"What?" asked Megan still holding a spatula.
"I know how much you loved Pokémon as a kid, growing up..." started Curtis.
"I still love Pokémon!" interrupted Megan.
"Well... Megan, my love... I... got you this..." said Curtis as he gently unwrapped the protective packaging of the Gold Star Rayquaza to present to his beloved Megan.
"Curtis... is that? The card you said you saw at the..." inquired Megan dumbfoundedly.
"Yes, Megan, while I went on a life-affirming adventure with that sweet Johnny Spice, I came upon a fellow we assumed was a dirty hobo... but turned out to be a very cool guy who collected Pokémon cards... and there is where I saw a Gold Star Rayquaza. Over the last several weeks, I have toiled and saved money, and now... I present to you... as a symbol of our love... a Gold Star Rayquaza... and also a question... Megan," began Curtis.
"...?" said Megan.
"Will you marry me?" asked Curtis as he handed her the Rayquaza.
"...........yes... yes, I will," replied Megan as she held the Rayquaza in her hand.
And so...
...and also cure a man's legionnaires disease.
The End