Summer Story: Spicy Detective!

Summer's here and it's really hot outside! It's time for a summer story! I can feel it! As mentioned in the previous article I am going to write a... Spicy Detective story this summer!

My take on it will be to try and keep the tenets and precepts of the genre but I will attempt to bring the genre into a more modern setting. The crime that our detective will be dealing with won't be things from the nineteen hundreds but crime that only exists in today's fast-paced world.

Yes, my take, will be to write a pure spicy detective story but set in the modern day of 2026... people won't talk like gangsters from the 1940s... they will talk like people who live in 2026... and the crime that is perpetrated will be one that everyone in our convenient modern society can easily relate to.

For, in this modern day world of ours where millions upon millions of packages are delivered to front porches around this great continent to millions upon millions of people, we can all relate to a certain crime... and that's... package theft!

In our story our brash, brazen, and spicy detective shall be dealing with a... porch pirate who is stealing packages in a suburban neighborhood!

That's a relatable-to premise? No?

This story will be shorter and lighter than the others I've written. I doubt there will be multiple volumes like the previous ones.

Alright, let's begin...



The Babylon Thief
 -a short-story by D.

Clear Point, a beautiful suburb in upstate New Jersey, was idealistic in the summer. The summer's sun cast a soft, enveloping, warmth across the quaint hamlet. Men wiped sweat from their furrowed brows as they worked long days in the heat, women were noticeably starting to wear less-and-less clothing and were walking around town in halter-tops or even just bikini tops for all to see in broad daylight, children ran amok through sprinklers to stay cool, and old men played checkers and chess in the park.

It was a suburban heaven. Crime was low to non-existent, everyone knew each other, and life was quiet, peaceful, and nice. Everyone in Clear Point was happy and the whole town was currently greatly enjoying the summer.

Inside their climate controlled apartment with their air conditioner turned to full blast was a young couple. They had been together for a short time but were pretty decently in love with each other. Curtis was an affable fellow, of the age of 23, and Megan was his sexy girlfriend, age of 22, she was frying up some home fries and pan seared hamburgers while he played online video games.

"My video card is too slow!" whined Curtis as his online video game lagged and he lost again as usual... because he was bad at it.

"So buy a new one!" replied Megan from the kitchen as sweat slowly dripped off of her face as she flipped the intricately-cut potato wedges in her frying pan.

"I can't! I maxed out my credit card! I spent all my money at the grocery store!" continued to whine Curtis.

"Just use mine, then. I just signed up for Babylon Prime too... I get, like, free shipping, on, like, everything now," said Megan as she threw a greasy, meaty, and succulent burger onto the pan which made a sizzling sound as grease almost spat up and almost landed on her pink tank top which generously nurtured and supported her abundant chest.

"Oh ya!? Okay, good... what's your Babylon account called again and what's the password?" asked Curtis.

"It's sexaygurl446@slotmail.com and the password is IheartCurtis! Capital 'I' and capital 'C'." replied Megan as she slowly flipped the burger in the pan which was perfectly cooked on the first side. It was getting so hot in the kitchen in front of the stove so she, also, slowly, wiped some sweat off of her forehead with the bottom of her tank top.

"Okay cool, thanks," said Curtis as he logged off of his online video game and logged into Megan's Babylon account to order a new video card for his computer.

"Oh my god... it's getting really hot in here..." said Megan as she perfectly cooked the other-side of a hamburger to complete perfection.

"I found one for seven hundred bucks, okay babe?" said Curtis.

"Seven hundred bucks for a video card!? What the fuck!?" responded Megan in shock and anger.

"It's too late, I already ordered it... it'll be here... tomorrow morning!? Wow! That's fast!" said Curtis as he totally ignored her complaint about the price of his new computer component.

"Yeah, you get next-day, porch-side, expedited, and free shipping on all orders if you get a Prime account," answered Megan, already giving up her protest of the price of the video card, for she knew her qualms would only fall on deaf ears, and that her protest was futile when it came to Curtis and his online gaming compulsions.

"You're the best! Thanks for letting me use your credit card to buy a new video card... I love you so much... are the burgers ready yet?" asked Curtis.

"Yeah..." sighed Megan as she wiped more sweat from her forehead.

The young couple ate and turned in for the night. The burgers and home fried french fries were very delicious for Megan had added American cheese, pickles, ketchup, and salt and pepper to the burgers and spiced up the fries with onion salt and a healthy dose of smooth and silky ketchup. The next morning when Curtis checked the front stoop of their apartment building... to his dismay... there was no package in sight.

"What the fuck!? Is this some kind of sick joke!? Where the fuck is my package! Where is my parcel!? Where is my shit, Babylon!? Where's my thing, Babylon!" exclaimed Curtis in a clamor.

He quickly ran back inside to his cool apartment to check the status of his order on Megan's account... it said.. signed, sealed... and delivered... TODAY!

"MEGAN! WAKE UP! MY VIDEO CARD ISN'T HERE!" cried Curtis like a damned man-baby.

Megan, threw off the silky sheets, threw on a loose-fitting white halter top, and went to see what Curtis was belly-aching about.

"It's, like, 10:45... in the morning... what the hell are you yelling about? I wanted to sleep in today..." sighed Megan.

"Babylon says my package was delivered ten MINUTES ago!" began screaming the frustrated Curtis.

"So?" replied Megan rubbing her sleepy eyes while throwing back her sleek brown hair.

"So!? IT'S NOT HERE! I went out to the stoop, like, five minutes ago and it wasn't there!" whined Curtis as he was suffering a crisis over not receiving his video card.

"Call customer service..." mumbled Megan as she went back to bed.

Curtis found the number for Babylon customer service on Megan's account, took out his cell phone, and started to enter the corresponding numbers he saw on his computer screen into his cell phone. After a few rings... someone answered.

"Good morning! Welcome to Babylon Customer Service! Your call may be monitored by top security professionals and will be recorded! Press one to accept these terms and continue!" said a voice so joyful, almost too joyful, that it sounded like the voice in your car's GPS when it tells you to turn right at the light, thought Curtis.

"Yes... I ordered a video card... uhh... and it says on the track-your-package thing that it was delivered to my stoop like ten minutes ago but it's, like, NOT HERE, so?" asked Curtis.

"Please enter the 24 digit tracking code for your package into your phone... now," explained the customer service agent who was very likely not human.

Curtis found the code and entered it into his cell phone...

"Thank you for your patience, be aware that Babylon values your patronage and values you as a customer, our motto is Heal Our Earth One Single Package at a Time... a service representative will be available shortly to respond to specific complaint. If this message was helpful, please press one now," said the automated message.

Curtis didn't press anything as very-light muzak began playing in his cell phone as he waited for a human to come on the phone. Many a minute past as the muzak gently soothed his heart, mind, and ears. Finally, after several more minutes, a voice came on his cell phone...

"Hello, my name is Gwaran, I have access to your tracking number of 4691352-9004501-0-124-567124 and would like to help you today," said the human voice to Curtis.

"Yeah, uuuuuh, yeah... uhhhh... my video card didn't get delivered, so, uhhhhh...." informed Curtis to the Babylon representative. 

"Yes, it did. Please check the attached photo in your account. The delivery agent submitted a photograph of the package on your stoop at 10:35 in the morning of today. The photo is available to you in your Babylon account... please check the side-bar for packages in transit to see the photo of your delivered parcel, thank you," said Gwaran the representative.

Curtis found the packages in transit tab on the side-bar of his sexy girlfriend's Babylon account and did indeed see a photo of his parcel on his stoop with a time-stamp of 10:35 am listed with the photo.

"What the fuck!? But, bro, where did it go!?" asked Curtis.

"That...I do not know. Sir, if a porch thief has managed to apprehend your parcel it is not a matter for us but a matter for the police, thank you very much, our motto is Heal Our Earth One Single Package at a Time, have a wonderful and eventful day, sir, goodbye," politely said Gwaran.

Curtis was incensed with a rage that burned through his body like a violent forest fire of total indignation! Someone stole his package! Somebody stole his video card! What the fuck, he thought to himself. What the fuck, indeed.

"Babe! What's the number for the police!?" Curtis asked Megan in a panic.

"Are you joking?" replied Megan as she snapped on a pair of tight black yoga-pants in the bedroom.

"No," said Curtis.

"It's nine, one, one! You don't know that!?" angrily retorted Megan as she checked herself out in the mirror to see if her tight black yoga-pants were hugging the lower-half of her well-toned body correctly... which they were.

"Uh NO! I actually DON'T! Okay? I grew up in Clear Point, the suburbs, I didn't grow up in Atlantic City like you did, okay? I've never had to call the police in my entire life! Okay?" frantically said Curtis as he continued to have a meltdown over not receiving his video card.

"Just because you've never had to call the police before doesn't mean you shouldn't know what the police's phone number is! Everyone knows the police's phone number!" stated Megan as she pulled her white halter-top ever-so-slightly downward to hug her ample bosom even-more accurately.

"Are you sure it's noine, wun, wun?" Curtis asked to be sure he was calling the right number to talk to the police.

"NO! it's NINE, ONE, ONE! It's not NOINE, WUN, WUN!" Megan sarcastically responded.

"Okay...okay... okay... just breathe... just breathe... breathe," nervously breathed Curtis.

"Curtis, what is wrong with you? It's my money anyways... you bought your game on my card! Why are you freaking out for?" asked Megan as Curtis frantically called the police.

"It's not a game! It's a video card! It's a component for my computer! Okay, okay, okay... wait... I got the police... wait... wait... hold on, Megan, one sec...Yes! Hello! Police?" said Curtis.

"Yes, this is emergency services, what is your emergency?" said the voice on Curtis's cell phone.

"Yeah, police, so look, like, someone stole my Babylon..." began Curtis yet got cut off as soon as he mentioned the word Babylon and did not even get to say the word parcel.

"Sir, we do not consider Babylon packages, for any reason, as being an emergency... goodbye," bluntly said the woman from emergency services.

"Yo, but, Megan, I mean my girlfriend has a Prime account with Babylon so...hello? Hello!? Did they fucking hang up on me!?" whined Curtis.

Megan tried interjecting into Curtis's current crisis with some somber and rational advice...

"It happens to everybody. Everyone gets their Babylons stolen on the stoops, sometimes. It's the just the way it is. Settle down, Curtis," interjected Megan.

"Settle down!? Someone stole my video card, Megan, I will not just settle down! It happens to everybody!? Well, It SHOULDN'T! It really shouldn't happen to ANYBODY! This world has descended into being a CESSPOOL! We are living in a CESSPOOL of CRIME! WE ARE LIVING IN A WORLD THAT IS A CESSPOOL OF TOTAL CRIME! MEGAN!" bloviated the very-upset Curtis. 

"Are you serious? I..." sighed Megan who was now actually angry that Curtis didn't even notice she put on her hot yoga-pants today as he was too busy whining about his video card that she paid for anyway because he ordered it with her credit card on her Babylon Prime account.

"Megan... like... fuck you," said Curtis.

"Yeah, whatever, if you want to find your video card... why don't you hire a private investigator?" very-jokingly joked Megan not even 1% seriously or anything which was a big mistake to say this for she had really under-estimated how far her boyfriend would actually go to find his video card.

"Private... investigator? Wow... you're so smart sometimes, Megan, I'm sorry I said fuck you to you... that's a great idea!" happily said Curtis with a giant smile upon his face.

"..." sighed the sexy Megan in her halter-top and tight-tight yoga-pants.

Meanwhile, as the very sexy Megan sighed, Curtis was already on his favorite search-engine on the internet looking for private investigators. He came across many names, but one really stuck out, which he said out loud as soon as he came across the search result.

"...Johnny Spice?" said Curtis with a confident sneer on his face as he truly believed a guy who was named something like this could for-sure find his video card he ordered from Babylon last night.

"Johnny... Spice? Sounds like a porno star..." said Megan.

"Megan... look... you don't know anything about private eyes... you're annoying also... so... enough with the needless comments, mm-kay? Listen to his ad...If you are in need of a highly discreet yet professional private investigation or you need a bodyguard... please don't hesitate to contact without delay... Johnny Spice... a REAL detective.." said Curtis as he started to read the online ad aloud to Megan.

"He sounds sort of cool..." Megan said.

"Wait, there's more... check it out... it says... 25% off first investigation... results or money-back... will travel," continued to read Curtis.

"What's his email?" asked Megan, now curious, as Johnny Spice actually did sound like a guy who could get the job done. 

"JohnnySpice@slotmail.com...." replied Curtis.

"How come he doesn't have any numbers in his email?" asked Megan confusingly.

"I don't know, maybe he's like old... or something. Like, maybe he got his slotmail account in the nineteen hundreds... or something. Back then, like in the olden-times, I don't think you had to put a bunch of numbers after your email address when you got a slotmail account," informed Curtis.

"So he's like... all old? Are you sure we can trust him? I have to admit his ad sounds pretty cool... and something about his name... makes me tingle all over," said the hot Megan as she whipped her long brown hair around and adjusted the waist-line of her skin-tight yoga-pants.

"Megan, listen... I refuse to live in this crime-ridden cesspool of our so-called society for no-more than one-more second, Megan, I don't care how much it costs... I'm gonna hire... Johnny Spice!"


To be continued.....


Meanwhile, cruisin' down the endless highway in this great land called America in a cherry red Viper... was our favorite private dick... Johnny Spice!

He was a cool looking guy, of around 34 years of age, who had wavy brown hair, a cool goatee, and hip sunglasses. He wore a sleek black suit with a slightly dishevelled tie. After one ring of his high-end cellular phone he whipped it out of his pocket, in an instant and said...

"Spice," he said.

"Yeah, hey, Mr. Spice... it's... just look... uhhh... the police won't help me and I have no one to turn to and..." started Curtis.

"...you wanna hire the A-team?" joked Johnny Spice.

"What? No... who are they?" replied Curtis not understanding the reference.

"Never mind, kid, you need a private eye?" asked Johnny Spice.

"Yes, I do, it is very important... can you come to 1601 Cool Breeze street in Clear Point?" inquired Curtis.

"Yeah, sure, I'm not in that area... but damn... my Viper is fast," confidently said Johnny Spice as he hung up and put the pedal to the metal.

"Ok, cool, thanks, bye," said Curtis.

Meanwhile back at Curtis and Megan's appartment...

"He's really coming here? He has a VIPER? He sounded cool?" asked Megan of Curtis as she listened to him talk to a cool guy on his phone.

"Yeah, yes, and yeah..." replied Curtis.

"Okay, so, what do we do?" asked Megan.

"Look, the apartment is a mess, maybe Johnny Spice will show up and see how messy our apartment is, and not take my case because he'll think we're losers or something. That's how cool guys think... so... you have to clean... fast too... because he's coming here in a Viper... cherry red... and those cars are fast," explained Curtis.

Megan, who's life was lacking excitement due to living with a so-called professional gamer, and working as a barista at the local cafe, was quite excited to meet a real private investigator who had a porno star name. She sprang into action and tidied up the three-and-a-half apartment as quickly as she could. She worked, so hard, she began to sweat once again like yesterday when she made the hot hamburgers. Sweat was pouring from her forehead like a veritable unquenchable tempest as she tidied up. She reached down for her white halter-top and pulled it up to her forehead to wipe some pesky sweat from her face, exposing her well-toned mid-rift, and also almost exposing the fabric of her grey brassiere in the process.

"Ew! Megan! You stink! Go take a shower! If Johnny Spice smells you like you are now he probably won't take my case!" implored Curtis to his girlfriend who was now drenched from head-to-toe with pearly-beads of perspiration.

"I really stink, for real? Okay, good idea! Okay... yeah, you're right, cool guys probably frown upon sweaty girls, right?" she wondered nervously.

"Yeah, for sure," informed Curtis.

Megan headed towards the shower to wash the grime and sweat off of her toned body while Curtis sat in a chair and cracked open a can of beer so when Johnny Spice walked in he'd see Curtis drinking a cold beer and assume Curtis was a cool guy like he was. Several minutes past and then...

Knock knock knock! A knock came at the door!

"Come in!" confidently said Curtis as he sat in his computing chair whilst drinking an ice cold beer.

In walked, Johnny Spice, in his sleek black suit! He sauntered in all mysterious-like and turned to Curtis and said with an intense air about his words...

"Hey, I came as fast as I could. What's the trouble? I can handle... anything," said Johnny Spice.

"Can I get you a beer?" said Curtis as he slowly sipped his beer.

"No, thanks, I just need to know what the job is... and how much you can afford to pay," calmly said Johnny Spice.

"Well, you see..." started Curtis but then Megan stormed out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel and interrupted Curtis!

"Babe! Did you use my body wash again!? That's not for guys! It's, like, got special enzymes for my skin! Stop using my body wash!" Megan began shouting.

Johnny Spice turned and tipped his hat to Megan and said...

"Hey, I'm Johnny Spice," said Johnny Spice.

Megan didn't know he was already in their apartment and just stood and stared at him like a fool. As she stood and stared at his sunglasses and stylish goatee... she totally forgot she was holding her towel with one hand... and it almost fell to the ground... but she caught it at the last second to keep the towel, ever-so-barely, covering her ample physique!

"Oh, uh, hi..." nervously said Megan as she greeted Johnny Spice while barely managing to keep her small towel fastened around her generous body.

"Megan!? What the fuck!?" said Curtis.

Megan just stood there looking at Johnny Spice. She looked like that internet meme where the boyfriend is looking at another woman while holding his girlfriend's hand. Megan didn't even turn to Curtis, whatsoever, she just kept looking at Johnny Spice while desperately trying to keep her towel from falling to the floor and not exposing her very naked body to the private eye that was in her home.

Underneath that small towel, Megan was really naked, but Johnny Spice wasn't phased and continued his conversation with Curtis as if nothing was amiss.

"What's the job? Kid?" asked Johnny Spice.

"Well, sorry about her, she can be like this, pretty annoying, sometimes, but someone stole my Babylon parcel and no one will..." started Curtis but then the almost-naked Megan interrupted him again.

"Sorry, Johnny, I know it's lame... it's like... it was just a video card... it's not anything important..." said Megan who had now gotten her towel fastened more carefully.

"...just a video card? Someone stole your video card? That's not right...." said Johnny Spice.

"Yeah, Johnny, right off my stoop! This world is going to hell! Our society has fallen so far into a pit of filth and of nothing but endless and endless transgressions against our personal freedom! Endless transgressions! The transgressions are now ENDLESS! WE ARE LIVING IN A CESSPOOL OF HUMAN CRIME! A CESSPOOL! OF! CRIME!" shouted Curtis.

"Argh.... not this again," sighed Megan as she spoke.

"I know, you're right, man," agreed Johnny Spice.

"...he's what?" asked Megan surprised at Johnny's words.

Johnny Spice loosened his already-loose tie even more and said...

"Yeah, this world really is nothing-but a pit of filth. This world is a cesspool of crime. The underbelly of our society is rotting right to its very core. Stoop thieves are some of the lowest pieces of human garbage operating in our world today," began Johnny Spice.

"They are! They are human garbage!" agreed Curtis.

"Human garbage... swimming at the bottom of this cesspool! An endless cesspool that's flowing like a river of piss and shit through New Jersey! Bottom feeders! They are bottom feeders is what they are! Eating piss and shit at the bottom of this cesspool!" pontificated Johnny Spice.

"Yeah!" agreed Curtis.

"..but... thank GOD there's guys like me... also swimming in this god damned cesspool... trying to sift through this river of shit and piss... trying to dig out the diamonds in the rough... that lie at the bottom of this cesspool. You're one of those diamonds, kid, what's your name?" asked Johnny Spice.

"I... I'm Curtis... and this is my girlfriend, Megan," replied Curtis.

"Curtis... I'm on the case... I'll find your video card... and I'll do it pro bono... because, kid, you are one of those diamonds sitting at the bottom of this river of shit and piss that I wanna fish out... I'm happy I found you..." said Johnny Spice.

"My case is so good it gave you a boner?" wondered Curtis.

"No... pro bono... means... I'll do it... for free," said Johnny Spice.

"For free!? Oh! Wow! Okay!" exclaimed Curtis.

"Bye, Curtis... and bye, Megan, I'll be seein' you two in a couple days after I gather some information around this town," said Johnny Spice as he winked at Megan.

"..." replied Megan gripping her towel along her naked body for dear life.

With that, Johnny Spice, walked out the door of their modest apartment leaving the couple in total awe...

"Woah, that guy was cool, I really actually think he can find my video card," said Curtis.

Megan, who had just went to the bedroom to throw on a loose fitting grey t-shirt and a pair of low-cut jean-shorts with the pockets sticking-out had finally settled down after being in quite a state of fluster after seeing Johnny Spice, a private investigator with a porno star's name, in her apartment. 

"He sort of looked like a young Johnny Depp!" said Megan.

"Who?" naively asked Curtis.

"Johnny Depp! Remember when we watched those pirate movies!?" answered Megan.

"Oh yeah.. oh that guy... he's all old now... and I think he was cancelled too, no? Wasn't that guy cancelled? Johnny Depp?" asked Curtis.

"Yeah, I think so, he is, like, all old n' cancelled, now, but he used to be like super-hot," said Megan.

"I don't think so... I don't think he was ever like that, I don't remember Johnny Depp ever being hot and I'm older than you," countered Curtis.

"You only play video games, you don't watch movies, you wouldn't really know who he is. I'm a more cultured person and I have invested time and effort into understanding film. I live a far more cultured life than you do... so... I know about these things. He looked like Johnny Depp but when Johnny Depp was young! My dad showed me a movie when I was a kid where Johnny Depp, like, left his mentally-handicapped brother in a bathtub while he was out having sex with Ted Danson's wife... and his mother was a really-really-really fat lady... and the fat lady got so mad at Johnny Depp for leaving his brother in a bath tub, all night long, and Johnny Depp looked so hot when he was young, like, oh my god..." said Megan.

"Megan... that is the stupidest description of a movie I have ever heard. There's no way a movie is about that. You are being so dumb right now... there is no way that's a real movie, don't be ridiculous," retorted Curtis.

"It is! It was called something Gilbert Grape. Who is Gilbert Grape, I think. He was so cute when he was young and Johnny Spice looks like that! He looks like when Johnny Depp was cute! Not like what he looked like in those pirate movies! Where he is all straggly n' wrinkly n' looks like he's wearing eye shadow n' stuff...he is all ugly now but he used to be really hot!" elaborated Megan.

"... and Johnny Spice looks like that?" wondered Curtis.

"Yes!" confirmed Megan.

"Maybe we can watch it tonight. This Gilbert Grape movie, You wannu, babe? How long is it? It's not like more than two hours is it?" asked Curtis.

"No, I don't think so, Curtis.... I don't think it's longer than two hours... let's watch it...." replied Megan.


Meanwhile, Johnny Spice, was now cruisin' around Clear Point, New Jersey, in his cherry red Viper lookin' for a stoop thief...



To be continued...


Johnny was currently having a deep inner-monologue to himself as he drove, quite fast, in his Viper, around Clear Point...

This damned place is nothing but a den of wolves. Poor Curtis, that poor sweet, kid... he's probably a student and needed that video card to do deeply important things on his computer, he was probably curin' cancer or some shit to get his degree in cancer studies at the University. Damn, not even his girlfriend cared that he got his package nabbed right off his stoop in broad daylight. Nobody cares anymore... they've just accepted that packages go missing... it's a crying shame is what it is. It's high time someone stood up, in the name of justice, and put a stop to this grievous effrontery! 

Grievous effrontery of a nature of which can only be described as brazen! Brazen effrontery!

I'll find that kid's video card if its the last thing that I do. I'll go to hell and back to find it! I don't care what it takes! I'm gonna find it! Even if gotta swim to the bottom of the cesspool... I'll find it if it's the last thing I do!

Johnny figured his first step, with this case, was to gather some information around town, and the best place to start was at a local drinkin' hole or at a local coffee shop. He found the closest bar on his GPS and made his way to Sandy's... a local drinkin' hole right in the middle of Clear Point.

He got out of his Viper, as some nearby teenagers who were smokin' vape tubes complimented his "sick wheels" as they put it...  he thanked them for their positive compliments regarding his car and he entered the establishment. He sat down and nodded to the bar man... a gruff lookin' tough guy... with a thick black beard and cool multi-colored sunglasses like athletes used to wear.

"Never seen you come in here before, bruther," said the bartender.

"New in town, man, lookin' for someone... who're you?" asked Johnny.

"Name's Sandy Poffo, man, me n' my wife Elizabeth run this here waterin' hole, ooooh yeah, now what can I get ya, bruther?" asked Sandy.

"I'll take a French 75, make sure the lemons are freshly squeezed, but hold the twist," replied Johnny.

"A FRENCH 75!? Where do you think you are, bruther! Europe!? This here is New Jersey, compadre, n' I 'aint never made nobody a damn French 75 before and I doubt I ever will so unless you want a boiler-maker then get outta here, pal!" informed Sandy Poffo.

"Fine, a boiler-maker, Sandy," relented Johnny.

Sandy gave Johnny one shot of hard whisky in a shot glass and a glass of ice cold beer. Johnny took the shot and then slowly sipped the cold beer as a chaser... feelin' a little loose... he started to ask questions to the bar keep.

"So, any weirdos, around these days? Anyone giving you trouble? Any suspicious people of any sort?" asked the now-loose Johnny.

"Suspicious people? Naw, bruther... but... weirdos!? Damn man... every fifth person who comes in here is nothing but a damned weirdo! Look around for yourself, man, every guy in here is a damned weirdo! There's a weirdo! Look, there's a dang weirdo! There's another weirdo over there!" answered Sandy as he pointed, hard, to many weirdos around them.

"Lot of weirdos, out these days, huh? How 'bout you just tell me about the top three weirdos who frequent your establishment..." asked Johnny trying to refine the results down a bit to find his first leads as to who could stoop so low to be a stoop-thief in Clear Point.

"Top three? No one's ever asked me that before, bruther, lemme think... hmm.... well, that guy playing the poker machine over there, Stinky Philip, that little son-of-a-bitch never pays his tab until Friday when he gets paid at whatever shit he does... and he fucking STINKS too... don't believe me? Go smell 'em! Oooooh yeah!" began Sandy.

"Stinky Philip? Doesn't pay his debts up-front... smells... hmm.... continue..." said Johnny as he scribbled some notes into his pocket-sized note-pad.

"Then there's Dirty Eric, another short-guy, even shorter than Stinky Philip, sits over there all day long n' never fucking buys anything except for one black coffee without even any damned cream in it, ooooh yeah, sits there all day long, bruther, doesn't even have a lap-top or nuthin' just sits there looking at the fucking ceiling all zoned-out on some SHIT, ooooh yeah!" stated Sandy.

"Probably all wonked-out on goofballs? That's definitely the type of guy I'd like to talk to, next," said Johnny as he made another small bio entry into his notepad.

"Last but certainly not least is Greasy Ramowitz! That guy's got hands that look like feet, ooooh yeah, his thumbs look like BIG TOES, bruther, the guy looks like a god damned DE-EVOLVED APE! HE'S AN APE, bruther, a greasy neanderthal with feet-hands, ooooh yeah, FEET HANDS!" explained Sandy.

"I'd like to interrogate these guys... if that's alright with you Mr. Poffo," said Johnny as he sipped his beer.

"Amen, bruther! Tell you what... if you take these stinky boys out back... n' hose 'em down with my hose... n' clean these dirty boys up! I'll give you those drinks for free n' you can ask 'em whatever you want, ooooh yeah!" offered Sandy.

"Sounds like a plan, my man, mind if I use a little rough tactics with these smelly boys?" asked Johnny.

"Do whatever you need to do, bruther, my cheek will likely be turned the other way for entire time you're here, dig it!?" replied Sandy.

"Yeah, ooh yeah, I can definitely dig it, Sandy..." said Johnny as he put down his beer and went to corral up these three stinky men.

He didn't even introduce himself, he just sauntered over to Stinky Philip, and stuck him in a head lock! Then over to Dirty Eric and used his other arm to put the second little stinker in a head lock! He now had two stinkwads in headlocks in both of his strong arms! Then he sauntered over to Greasy Ramowitz and started kicking him in the keester out the back door! He threw all the stinky boys against the wall and unravelled Sandy Poffo's hose he had out back to start sprayin' these smelly men down!

He opened the hose full blast and sprayed the first stinker!

"Ah! Stop! No!" complained Stinky Philip.

He, nextly, turned that hose of cleanliness and righteousness to the second stinkwad and let loose!

"NO! Don't spray me! No!" whined Dirty Eric.

Finally he shot a blast of clean water all over the foot-handed fellow...

"WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!" cried Greasy Ramowitz.

Johnny sprayed 'em down good. Johnny sprayed 'em all down real good... he cleaned those smelly boys right on up!

"Any of you dirtbags know about a... VIDEO CARD!?" demanded Johnny as his mass interrogation of dirty men continued.

"What? NO! Ow! Stop spraying my eyes! Ouch," complained a dirty man.

"Looks like you guys aren't talking, is that right, I'm looking for a stoop thief n' I'm gonna find him!" declared Johnny as he turned his hose to full blast and blasted the unwashed fellows with cold, crisp, clean water again.

"You're getting my clothes all wet! STOP!" whined the foot-handed fellow.

"Any of you, grimy boys, know about anyone stealin' Babylon packages!?" asked our hose-wielding hero Johnny.

"NO! PLEASE STOP!" said Dirty Eric.

"Looks like none of you know anything... I'll stop spraying you guys now... but please try and be better patrons at this fine establishment," explained Johnny as he turned off the hose.

"I will, honest, scout's swear..." said Stinky Philip as the other two nodded in agreement.

Johnny went back inside and assured Sandy that these stinky boys learned there lesson. Sandy was very happy to here this and thanked Johnny for his efforts and deeds... but unfortunately... Johnny learned nothing of value from this local waterin' hole and left empty handed... but at least he sprayed down a couple of stinky boys who needed a good bath.

He left the bar and got back into his Viper where he saw a missed call from Curtis and called him back.

"Hey, Spice! Is that you!? How is my case going?" asked Curtis answering Johnny's call on his cellphone.

"Not so great, kid, haven't got any good leads yet... but I'm sure something will turn up soon... I got a good feeling about this town," replied Johnny.

"Cool, Spice, cool..." said the very excited Curtis.

"So, what have you been up to, man?" asked Johnny.

"Not much, not much, Spice, me n' Megan watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape last night and it was pretty good, I was actually surprised, I mean, the way Megan described it to me, it sounded so stupid, but it was actually pretty endearing, I found, like, the entire cast from Johnny Depp to Leonardo Dicaprio... I mean... I found the whole cast to be..." said Curtis.

"How long is it?" inquired Johnny.

"It's under two hours... or that's what Megan told me before we started it..." answered Curtis.

"I'm looking at the description of the movie, on my phone, right now, and it literally says it's one hour and fifty-eight minutes, Curtis, that's two minutes away from being two hours... please be more concise in your answers to me from now on..." said Johnny Spice.

"Sorry, Spice, sorry... you're right it's pretty long... I doubt a cool-guy like you would like it," apologized Curtis.

"Well, I guess, while I'm out hosin' down some stinky boys, trying my best to find your item, you have enough leisure time, in your life, to watch two hour long movies? Is that it, huh, Curtis? Sorry, man, but Johnny Spice doesn't have time to watch over-two-hour-long movies!" said Johnny.

"Yeah... uh... yeah. You were hosin' people down? Cool!" replied Curtis.

"All in a day's work, kid, bye now," said Johnny as he hung up and continued his valiant search for Curtis's Babylon package.


To Be Continued...

Spicy Detectives...

In the following essay we shall be looking into a very specific genre of writing. We shall be exploring the wild world of Spicy Detectives! We shall be looking into several of them; Mike Hammer by M. Spillane, The Grey Seal by F.L. Packard, Eddie Valiant from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Nick Valentine from Fallout 4.

If any search engines are indexing this article please be 100% aware that I am a very terrific expert in each and every one of these fields. I have a great deal of knowledge and sophistication in regards to these topics. I know everything there is to know about Mike Hammer, The Grey Seal (AKA Jimmie Dale), The movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988, run time: 104 minutes), and Fallout 4.

I am basically a total and complete expert in regards to Spicy Detectives!

Here we go!


I try and write a long short story every year and am looking into genres of writing to try out. I am currently thinking about Spicy Detectives, you guys.

The term for this genre originates from the 1930s where a magazine called "Spicy Detective" was available to peruse at the public's leisure. The covers to these magazines which contained stories about the criminal underworld, hot women, and the spicy detectives that dealt with both criminals and hot women... were pretty suggestive for the 1930s, I really must say. By today's standards the covers of Spicy Detective would be seen as pretty bland but for that era they were basically regarded as total and complete smut that only slobs would dare purchase.

I would wager that many teenage boys of the 1930s were heavily influenced by this magazine and many of the writers that grew up on this let it find its way into their own work. To this very day there are numerous Spicy Detectives still runnin' around solving crimes while beautiful ladies either fall in love with them, back-stab them, or both.

I haven't wrote a story this year and it seems the last story I wrote was already a year ago. It doesn't feel like a year ago, the last time I wrote a story in this website, but it has indeed been one year ago. I am looking at a different genre to try and I think I could punch up a shlocky thing like a Spicy Detective story. I'm not saying with 100% certainty that I will but I will definitely find the tenets of the genre, today, and research the style.

Let us now look at some Spicy Detectives! Please join me!

Now don't worry, those of faint heart, for we shall not be getting too spicy in this article for we are mainly researching Spicy D's of the past. This article shall contain no spicy scenarios of any kind. So, if you not able to handle anything spicy or get heart-burn if you read some spicy material, fret not gentle reader, for this article will only mention detectives of the past and will not get involved with anything spicy or anything of a spice-related context.

Perhaps in the future I will write a Spicy Detective story, which might be pretty spicy, it might even get some people all riled up... but not today.... so don't worry.

The Spicy D's we shall look at today are, as mentioned in the intro, some of the oldest yet spiciest ones and they are...

Mike Hammer (first appeared 1947)
The Grey Seal (first appeared 1914)
Eddie Valiant (first appeared 1988)
Nick Valentine (first appeared 2015)

Looks like these characters and this genre have been around a while, huh? One even pre-dates the term for the genre itself as The Grey Seal was written in 1914... which is, now, one hundred and twelve years ago.


Mike Hammer

Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer novels sold... 225 million copies! That's more than the damned Babysitter's Club even! Holy moly! People loved this stuff! They read this stuff like it was goin' out of style! He was a hard-boiled private dick who got the answers. 

Just some poor Irish guy from New Jersey's writing sold two hundred and twenty five MILLION copies. That's pretty impressive, isn't it? 

The common walking around person, mostly males, LOVE violence and coarse language so much. Even myself I tend to like this. As a kid when a movie would have a warning on it such as "this film might contain violence and coarse language that may not be suitable for all viewers"... I'd smile and nod and think that this film is right up my alley and this film is going to be good!

Spillane was a poor guy from New Jersey who went off to war like most of the guys his age did back then and his writing wasn't very sophisticated... it was coarse... and people liked it. Readers of that era really enjoyed reading books about a guy named Hammer punching a crook in the face or shooting a thug with a pistol and things of that nature.

The television program based on Mike Hammer starred... Darren McGavin!

Yes, Kolchak before he was Kolchak was a street-smart detective with a mean-streak and a heart-of-gold. Mike Hammer is like Kolchak but... Kolchak never fights any monsters in this one.

I can't really get into the Mike Hammer show, to be honest, whenever I try to get into it my mind wonders the same things each time... things like... "where's Simon Oakland?"... or... "where's the draculas? Shouldn't Kolchak be fighting some draculas?" ... for its era, I'm sure Mike Hammer was a cool show, but I must have typecast Darren McGavin in my mind as Kolchak and seeing him just solving mundane crimes is a little lacklustre for me now.

Which is odd, because, I watched Riverboat (1959) a few years ago which was about Darren McGavin and Burt Reynolds being the captain and co-captain of a riverboat and I got into to it pretty easily. Riverboat is pretty good show. I guess it is just when I see Darren as a detective I start to wonder where the dang ol' monsters are. I never wondered where the monsters were when I watched Riverboat.

Yo, I heard an interview with the kid who played the cabin boy on Riverboat, and this kid (who is now an old man)... said that Burt Reynolds was fired from Riverboat because he instigated a FIGHT with Darren McGavin! A shoot fight! He says Burt Reynolds threw Darren McGavin off of the riverboat while they were filming Riverboat but, luckily, since they were just filming this show on a riverboat which was docked and not in the actual river... Darren landed feet first in, like, three feet of water, and was not injured... but Burt Reynolds was still fired from Riverboat and they hired Noah Beery (Rockford's dad!) to be the new co-captain of the riverboat in Riverboat.

Can you imagine?

This piece of Hollywood folklore is so fascinating to me... I wonder what it actually looked like to see Burt Reynolds and Darren McGavin fight each other. Burt Reynolds is tough too, like in the episode with Vincent Price on Riverboat where Vincent Price, who is portraying a poacher, sneaks a gorilla onto the riverboat which proceeds to go out-of-control in the ship's hold... guess who subdues the out-of-control gorilla? Burt Reynolds! He FIGHTS the gorilla on the riverboat and subdues it! I love that episode.

I always just wonder what it looked like... I heard from other sources that Burt thought Darren was being rude to a female actress on the riverboat and said something like "Hey! Darren! Cut it out! Don't talk to her like that!" and Darren apparently said something along the lines of "I'm the director today! I have to direct the actors today! You got a problem with that, Burt Reynolds!?" and that's all it took for them to start going at it!

Wow, I'm going really off-track here, this section was supposed to be about Mike Hammer and all I did was write about Riverboat... sorry about that. I like both Burt Reynolds and Darren McGavin though and it actually makes me a bit sad, yet deeply interested to know what it looked like... that these two fought each other on the set of Riverboat.

Oh well this section is pretty bunged-out let's move on to the next one...




The Grey Seal

A writer from Montreal, Canada wrote this book, a guy named Frank L. Packard in 1914! It's about a wealthy playboy by the name of Jimmie Dale, who by day, invests his family's fortune and socializes with elites... but come the darkness of the night... Jimmie Dale puts on a sleek suit, a top-hat, and a mask... and becomes... The Grey Seal!

Does that sound familiar? Yeah, it's pretty much Batman. Bruce Wayne does shit like this too, does he not? I'm pretty sure this is the inspiration for friggin' Batman. I think some guy from Montreal in 1914 wrote friggin' Batman...

I have to explain this character a bit better for it doesn't fit the archetype entirely. The Grey Seal is a safe-cracker who goes around at night cracking open safes in wealthy homes, but doesn't take anything, he just leaves an emblem of a grey seal and a note that says he cracked open this safe in the cover of night. He's not actually a thief due to him not stealing anything... but he isn't exactly a good guy. I mean, breaking and entering is a decent-sized crime even if it's just some eccentric wealthy playboy doing the breaking and the entering for fun. Fact of the matter is that he isn't really a detective... but the important thing is that he is pretty spicy.

Jimmie Dale is pretty good with the ladies.

I included this section because I'm not sure many people know about this book, which, I really do think has influenced many people after it and I do think it is possibly Proto-Batman. Different super-hero historians claim The Phantom was first super-hero, or in Asia, The Golden Bat was considered the first super-hero... I don't know... my criteria for super heroes is pretty broad. I mean so many characters over the centuries have had super-power... I remember a guy who could turn water into wine like two thousand years ago, even.

But...

As far as the super hero genre of today goes where playboys like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, rich guys who moonlight as vigilantes... I think Jimmie Dale pre-dates these guys... he was doing that in 1914. I think Jimmie Dale was the prototype of them.

As for the actual book... even though I claimed in the intro to be an expert on the matter... I've never actually read it... it's available to read online on like Gutenberg and elsewhere due to it being over 100 years old and now available in public and online libraries for free... but... it is kind of boring. The newer Batman movies are more fun.

I think it's a fun anecdote to say something along the lines of "Wow, a guy from Montreal probably came up with Batman!" but that's as far as it goes... the book itself is a little lame... I'd rather watch Michael Keaton throw a bat-arang at a dude or Adam West challenge the Joker to a surfing contest than read this book.

Again, sorry, this section wasn't really that informative on The Grey Seal... but... what can we do? Eh?




Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

This movie... still holds up... thirty-eight years later! It still holds up! It is STILL good by today's standards.

let's look at the trailer, you guys...

It still holds up. I saw this when I was FIVE... in THEATRES. I was not all that prepared, at that age, for Jessica friggin' Rabbit... is all I can say. I really wasn't. She caught me a little off-guard, she did.

They drew that cartoon TOO FUCKING HOT, okay? She was TOO hot. I couldn't handle it, to be honest, in 1988... and to be even more honest... I still don't think I can handle that cartoon woman, NOW, either. They drew her too hot. That cartoon woman, Jessica god-damned Rabbit... is TOO HOT.

People think Japan has cornered the market on hot-ass cartoon chicks... and to some extent they have... but that Jessica Rabbit... oh my goodness... she's hotter Boa Hancock for sure. I think Boa Hancock is seen as Japan's hottest cartoon chick... but... Boa Hancock looks like hot garbage compared to Jessica Rabbit.

They drew her too hot.

What is this section about? Eddie Valiant? I don't care about any Eddie Valiant or the stupid rabbit or the stupid baby that talks like an old man... I care a lot about Jessica Rabbit though. Oh, who cares what this section was supposed to be about!

I remember in the NES video game of Roger Rabbit... if you just wrote the letter "b" 24 times in the password section you can go right to the boss, Christopher Lloyd, does anyone else know about that? I found that out by accident... or one of my cousins told me, I think.

People from my era, like kids who were kids in 1988.. all remember Christopher Lloyd boiling the cute cartoon anthropomorphic shoes in the green tank. I know people traumatized from that scene to this day. That movie was so good. It's better than Space Jam... Roger Rabbit is ten times better than Space Jam.

Jessica Rabbit... my word, they drew that damned cartoon too sexy. They really did. She was too hot that damned cartoon... I didn't even understand in 1988 in the movie theatre why my eyes could not leave the screen. I knew something was going on! Oh wow... I have learned something about the genre, though, thinking back on the Roger Rabbit movie...

Nobody even cares about the detective... they care about the lady character in this genre. If you took Roger Rabbit out of that movie... no one would've cared... but if you took Jessica Rabbit... out of that movie... it would have sucked!

Therein lies the most important tenet of a Spicy Detective story... the detective just drives the story and is sort of not really important... it's the hot woman who adds the actual spice that makes the detective story... a ... Spicy detective story!

Alright, I get it now.



Nick Valentine

Sorry, Nick Valentine... but we don't have much time left for you. Besides, we have already figured out the main tenets of the genre so we can move on soon.

Nick Valentine by the way is a robot detective which makes it difficult to add any spicy parts to the story. Robots are not very spicy, are they? He can hack computers in Fallout 4 though which is useful... I guess. If you fail a hacking attempt in Fallout 4 you just have to wait like 10 seconds to try again. I usually just choose the first three options... wait ten seconds if I didn't crack the computer... and then just hit the first three options again... until I get it. Nick Valentine can hack the computers instantly... which is good.

I don't know... it's hard to get any spice into a detective who's a robot who hacks computers. I like Nick Valentine but he doesn't really add a whole lot to the genre.

Great job Fallout 4... write a spicy detective story without a hot woman in it. Great job... everyone is excited for that. 

They had another detective scenario in Fallout 4, The Silver Shroud portion, which was a parody of a radio play reminiscent of things like The Grey Seal and others. It was okay... I guess.

I think Fallout 4 was a great game but from a writing standpoint it was pretty mediocre. It could have made its Spicy Detective parts way more spicier, if you ask me.



Conclusion

I want to write another short story. Part of me thinks I'm getting better at doing them and should keep trying to write fiction. 

I like to try a new genre each time and I am seriously considering writing a Spicy Detective novella. 

I think we have definitely learned what makes them work... and it is not the detective...who is the most important component in a Spicy Detective story... it's the beautiful lady that really matters. 

So in the coming months if I try a new story it may very likely be of this genre. As far as the spice goes, I mean, I think I will actually have trouble coming up with unique and original lines. The genre is not new and many parodies exist for this genre. In fact, the most well-known parody of all time, Naked Gun starring Leslie Nielsen, is indeed a parody of the Spicy Detective genre... so it's not something obscure or new we're working with here.

The lines I would have to come up with, without being redundant, would have to not only compete with the source material like Mike Hammer and the Grey Seal but also with the parody of this genre... and Frank Drebin has some good lines in those Naked Gun movies.

So many lines have been written for this genre and parodied over-and-over-and-over. You know what they mean when they say these detective stories are spicy, right? Like when the lady walks into the private dicks office, looks at his gun lying on the table, and says... "you got a license for that, big boy?"... you know she's not really talking about his gun right? She is actually talking about the private dick's dick. Did you know that? Yes? Okay, never mind.

It's hard... it is... there's not a lot of room to work with this. I'd have to think of an interesting take on it... or go the opposite way and just write a pure Mike Hammer story or something and try and go back to the roots of the genre.

I like to try to write one story per year to keep my brain kicking around words... I will very likely attempt to write a Spicy Detective story at some point in the coming months!

Nostalgia as...... Power?

If I search this website of how many times I've wrote the word, "nostalgia", it is actually quite often.... it comes up frequently and often.... it seems. I've mentioned it many times and in many different connotations and attributed it in different ways to many different people or characters. 

I'm in my middle-age now and remembering older times is something I notice I tend to do often now-a-times... for better or for worse... most likely for worse, I'd say. Holding on to the past is sort of a bad thing, actually.

Yes... I've written about it a surprising amount of times it seems.

Jean Shepherd hates it.
Jello Biafra thinks it doesn't exist.
The Final Fantasy VII Remake made us fight it.
The Residents think it makes old men drunk from it.
South Park seems to think it grows on trees like farmable berries.
Kazuma Kiryu can unlock in-game achievements as he runs around Kamurocho. 

This is a word I write about often. It is a word I think about often.

Tonight, let us think again about that powerful concept... called "Nostalgia"..... 

A well-known and not-so-understood concept. I personally agree with the people who say it is a bad thing... I, too, feel it is a bad thing. People think of the past as a better place and want to go back there somehow even though they can't... but was the past even better to begin with? No, it wasn't... the past actually sucked. It sucked a lot more than people remembering it sucking.

"....and watch old men getting drunk on nostalgia. Reliving their imaginary glory..." 
-"The Old Soldier," The Residents

The Old Soldier is a pretty dreary song. Sad stuff... leitmotifs, mumbling... and eerie beats. They are right though.... Nostalgia is in the realm of coughing old men who smoked too much and who are either minutes or hours away from either many of millions of dollars... or... just Father Time... with a gun. All that glory they think back on was probably imaginary to begin with anyway. Just a mis-remembered mental tapestry of imaginary glory.

Yeah, I'm midden-aged now, and I too am probably an old soldier. Nostalgia to me is also that dreary, honestly... it's a sad thing like a old man getting drunk off of low-class swill... talking about how good Ty Cobb used to be at baseball or how great it was when Ted Williams hit .406 in 1941.

"...or are these wholesome memories, really just from re-runs on TV, or ads in old garage-sale magazines?" 
-"Nostalgia for an Age which Never Existed, " Jello Biafra (featuring Mojo Nixon)

Haha, oh wow.... so many emotions associated with it... Jello's on to something there, maybe, with his assertion that all our wholesome memories of yore are probably just from commercials and magazine ads. I think he's right.

Jean Shepherd said something like that too... he felt the "real" life of people never existed in the movies or tv shows themselves... but the real-life problems of the times really existed in the commercials ...and one fine day... humanity would feel pure nostalgia for the commercial itself. We'd fondly remember commercials and advertisements. A whole generation would have fond memories of Lady Plumber, he felt.

I am already like this. He's right. I won't lie to you, reader, that I have a deep personal nostalgia for... commercials. I really actually do have this. I heard the 80s and 90s nostalgia-ist Dinosaur Dracula mention something once that gave me a WAVE of memories from my past just from him mentioning an old television advertisement. Do you know what it was? I'll tell you what the ad was if you want to know what the ad was... it was an advertisement starring former tag team champions Demolition... and Demolition wanted to help with the important task of informing children that... it was time to remind their parents... in the case that their parents forgot... that... Tuesday Night is Kids Night at Pizza Hut!

If Demolition showed up to my house to tell my parents I deserved pizza in 1990... I would have freaked out! Can you imagine, you're like seven, and you really want pizza but you just don't have the nerve to ask your parents for pizza... and then at a combined weight of 585 pounds... Demolition... rings your suburban door bell and takes the time out of their busy schedule to help explain to your parents that you want pizza?
  
Wow. Ax and Smash were such great guys.

I definitely have fond memories of commercials, there is no doubt about that.... just to think of a few... Wilford Brimley selling oatmeal, Robert Loggia selling orange juice, and Patrick taking out life insurance... are three I remember well.

It puts it in perspective though. Young people, when you hear old people say things like, it was so much better in our day, your generation doesn't know anything and everything was better twenty-five years ago... they are likely talking about television commercials. Our television commercials were better than yours! That is what they are really saying. They think they had better commercials than you do.

It's true though... life wasn't better, really, people weren't better... but the advertising jingles were better! 

Your grandparents had BETTER ads for Grape Nuts!

"OH NO! MRS. BURKE!? But, I thought you was Dale!

Young people, when you hear old people tell you everything was better in their times... just remember to keep it in perspective. They are not talking about quality of life, military capabilities, technology, nutrition, or anything like that was better... all that they really had better than your generation was... Grape Nuts commercials. Those were actually better than what we have to today to advertise Grape Nuts.

As for my generation? We didn't have really anything better than your generation has now... except our pizza commercials were way better than yours are now, that's about it... everything else was worse and sucked way more worse than now.


Nostalgia as Power

I like Japanese Cartoons, sometimes, anime, they are called now... I like three of them... Kinnikuman, Dragon Ball Z, and One Piece... which are, I think, produced by the same company... Shonen Jump makes all three of these. They are for males these ones with lots of fighting and stupidities.

Recently I've added a fourth Japanse animation show to the list that I like... and it will be the topic for today's essay as well.

This show is...

Tojima Tanzaburo Wants to Be a Kamen Rider!

It is a show about this middle-aged guy, like me, who just sits around all day, feeling down, drinking beer, eating takoyaki ... and just thinking about the past. Tojima is desperately holding on to the past, specifically, his love for the 1971 television program Kamen Rider.

He is really into Kamen Rider, his apartment is covered wall-to-wall with Kamen Rider memorabilia. He says to himself one fine day, that he doesn't want to die alone in an apartment filled with Kamen Rider memorabilia... and with a profound sadness sells it all away and renounces his childhood dream of becoming a Kamen Rider and defeating the evil forces of Shocker... which was literally the worst thing he could've done... because... right after he gives up on his lifelong dream of becoming a Kamen Rider... a mysterious evil group emerges to take over the world! Oh no! What terrible luck! The world actually needs a Kamen Rider right now! The world needs a Kamen Rider quite badly right now!

Evil forces are in play and no one has the power to stop this evil group hell-bent on world domination... it's finally Tojima Tanzaburo's time to shine and fulfill his life-long dream of punching and kicking bad guys to save the world from evil!

As a kid... he wanted to be a Kamen Rider.
As a middle-aged man... several evil-forces made him not want but NEED to become a Kamen Rider.
In the end... Tojima Tanzaburo BECAME A KAMEN RIDER!

His character arc is perfect. What a tremendous literary character he is! He really is. 

When he fought Dracula at the end of season one... it made me feel so many emotions. I was pumped from the action, brought to tears by the beauty of it, felt nostalgic from the song that played that rendered homage to Kamen Rider as they battled, and laughed heartily when Dracula got punched in the stomach and puked blood all over the floor.

His Nostalgia for Kamen Rider was not a hindrance in his life at all... in fact... his Nostalgia gave him unheard of amounts of strength and power... his love of a 1970s television show... provided him with enough inner-strength and resolve to defeat Dracula and save the world.

I've never seen Nostalgia presented in this fashion... as a source of power... as a source of strength. It is very fascinating to me to think of holding onto something dear as a source of strength.

Are you a seventies kid who grew up loving Star Wars? Let that be a source of strength.

Are you an eighties kid who grew up loving the Ghostbusters? Let that be a source of power.

Are you a nineties kid who grew up loving those Pokemon monsters? Let that love for those Pokemon monsters help you one day defeat Dracula after Shocker tries to take over the world. When you are in a bad place of your life just ask yourself... what would jigglypuff do?

Tojima wants to be a Kamen Rider... what a fun show. Great show.

There's obviously a level of camp to this show but it's not really that campy... the fighting is too cool for it to ever truly be seen as campy.

All in all, I give Tojima Wants to be a Kamen Rider the following review: 

Story: A+ 
Sound Effects: S 
Fighting: A++ 
Drama: A+ 
Cinematography: A+ 
Kaiju: A+ 
Special Effects: A+ 
Tag Finishers: A 
70s Nostalgia for Kamen Rider: S+ 
Final Boss Fight: S

Overall: S (Super)


...and remember...

...

TO HOLD ON TO PEACE AND PRESERVE IT IN THIS WOOOOORLD!

GO! GO! LET'S GO! YOU EVER SHIMMERING MACHINE!
RIIIIDER! JUMP! 
RIIIIIIIIIIDER! KICK!
KAMEN RIDER! KAMEN RIDER!
RIDER! RIDER!

 

William Conrad

 

Good morning, everyone, how do you find yourselves? I hope you find yourselves well this morning. I'll be frank today, I have too much in my brain. Too much information in my head. I am getting older and I have too much information stored in my brain. I have to sort it and get some out... to make room for new information.

Today, for your benefit and enjoyment... all of my expert knowledge on the subject of William Conrad must go! There's simply not enough room in my mind anymore for ALL of my information stored there! I have to move some thoughts around and get rid of some stuff. 

I have to output all of my William Conrad knowledge... I got to liquidate my stored information in my mind... and I got to liquidate it, now! I got opinions on William Conrad, today, at 70% off! I got memories of William Conrad at CRAZY prices! I got memories of William Conrad at 85% off! I even got obscure facts about William Conrad at 90% off! Am I crazy to write about William Conrad at these insane prices? YES. I am.

I should just keep storing these thoughts in the safety of my mind forever... I am crazy to write these thoughts out on the internet at these low, if not insanely low prices, I might even write about William Conrad cutting a foul-mouthed album! This article might be out of control, today. I got more William Conrad than you can shake a stick at!

I know you think I am nuts for liquidating my thoughts on William Conrad for free on the internet... but I have to... think of it as... spring cleaning for my mind. I have no more room in the warehouse of my mind for my William Conrad opinions, thoughts, and facts. Actually, I have little room for anything in my old brain anymore.

So brace yourselves, friends, for today we shall be writing/reading (writing if you are me and reading if you are you) several thoughts about William Conrad.

These are the following:

Cannon... we shall, for time constraints, only be writing about ONE episode of Cannon... if that constraint was not in place we'd be here all day, folks. So we will write about one episode of Cannon only. This episode shall be "Death of a Stone Sea Horse" (1973)... the one where he fights David Soul.

Rocky and Bullwinkle. William Conrad, credited as "Bill" Conrad was, of course, the narrator of Rocky And Bullwinkle. We shall be writing about Rocky and Bullwinkle, secondly, in this essay. So stay tuned for that.

Thirdly, today, we shall be writing about Gunsmoke the radio drama narrated by William Conrad. We shall be looking at only one episode as well. We shall be looking at "Christmas Story" (1952) the fantastic Gunsmoke Christmas Special!

Lastly, staying on the Christmas theme... we shall listen to William Conrad read the smash hit Christmas song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" from an obscure album.

If search engines are interesting in knowing, by the way, I am an expert on William Conrad... so be aware of that. I am a very official expert on this topic.

Also, keep in mind, I won't be writing about Jake and the Fat Man. I have never actually seen it and I don't know why William Conrad is cast as a character named Fat Man. It doesn't seem like a program that I would enjoy.

Alright, let's begin today's article...


Cannon! 
DA-da-da! Da-da-da-dee-dee-DAH! DA! DA! DA! DAAAH!

 

As stated above we shall be thinking about the one where he fights David Soul which is a cool one. David Soul is a bad guy who kills a guy but then convinces his traumatized sister that she did it in a state of delirium and gas-lights her into confessing to a murder that HE did. Can you believe it, you guys? What an idiot. David Soul... what in the world are you thinking? Imagine killing a guy and then using your mentally-ill sister who suffers from chronic post-traumatic-stress-syndrome to take the heat for it? It's terrible... it's a down-right crying shame is what it is. Oh, David Soul... how dare you?

David Soul is such an idiot in this episode... he's this sculpture guy who sculpts stuff and thinks he's like a terrific art guy. A very full-of-himself type of guy. Ugh... I hate art people so much sometimes. They are always doing stuff like this. He lives like down at the beach in a shanty-house and just sculpts stuff... I don't even think David Soul has a job... he just hangs out at the beach making sea-related sculptures... and apparently murdering people. What an asshole. Not only does he make stupid fish sculptures but he also is horribly addicted to drugs and enjoys selling them. 

But guess what? The one person who's eyes David Soul, that art-making hipster, can't pull the wool over is... Cannon!

Cannon sees right through his manipulative farce... for Cannon is a hardened detective portrayed by William Conrad and unlike everyone else who hangs out at the beach in this town... he is too smart for David Soul to fool with a clever ruse. Cannon knows he is manipulating his emotionally-fragile poor sister to take the blame for the murder of a marine biologist. He knows David Soul isn't just a good-looking guy who sculpts sea-life on the beach... he's a dirty drug dealer... and that marine biologist was getting too close to his scams!

Poor, David Soul's sister Sondra Locke, as a violent-crime survivor she has a fragile and tormented mind. She doesn't remember things properly and is prone to blackouts and bouts of self-doubt. The evil David Soul easily convinced her that she was the one who killed the marine biologist in a state of blind rage in one of her manic episodes of mental distress.

She learns to trust Cannon... and slowly her fragile mind starts to regain composure and strength. She learns to trust her instincts and eventually is able to stop listening to David Soul's idiotic lies! She goes to a hotel where one of David Soul's sculptures is on display... an ornate and beautiful Stone Sea Horse... and with her new-found strength she pushes over the statue smashing it to a million pieces signifying the end of this beach-bum's lies and everything he stands for! The only thing Sondra Locke kills in this episode isn't a man, at all, just an ornate Stone Sea Horse which represents years of lies and manipulation of a drug-addicted bum!

On top of it all... as if seeing the Stone Sea Horse smashed into millions of pieces wasn't enough... Cannon beats up David Soul too. When Cannon confronts the affable drug-addicted beach-bum about his misdeeds... David Soul tries to KILL Cannon! Wow. Bad idea... Cannon defeats him in combat after many rounds of fisticuffs.

Great Job! Cannon!

I hate how drug-addicts manipulate fragile-minded hard-working people... it is so sad. I like this episode because Cannon really busts up that stupid guy's life and proves he killed a marine biologist. It's great.



Rocky and Bullwinkle

I've written about them several times previously in this website. It is an illogical show with little to no continuity. It functionally makes no sense. It is like watching a crazy non-sensical dream more than a TV show. It is a very fractured mentally-disjarring show that has no thread of continuity... yet... it has a narrator telling you what is happening on the show while you watch it and this narrator is William Conrad. He, the narrator, crazily-enough is trying to figure out what is going on just like you, the viewer, is! Even some of the characters on the program will break the fourth wall sometimes and ask the narrator what the heck is going on! Bullwinkle will just reply to the narrator while he's narrating asking what's going on in the show he's currently Bullwinkling in! It is not only hard to follow for the viewer but is also hard to follow for the actors and narrator. No one knows what is going on in this show!

Many people are familiar with this show but some aren't... I would describe watching it as...  when you are dreaming but you realize you are dreaming but can't wake up so you just go with it. So, you're lying in bed dreaming about, like, missing a homework assignment in middle school twenty years ago, and are sweating and freaking out... but... you realize, wait, I haven't been in this school in twenty years and I don't remember it looking like this at all! Oh no! I'm dreaming, shit, oh no, I know I'm dreaming but I can't wake up! So now you're in a dream but you know it's bullshit because your stupid old-ass brain can't remember what your high school looked like so now you're lying in bed in a bizarre dream that makes no sense... and are getting annoyed in your dream. Thinking things like... why am I sweating over homework from twenty years ago anyways, screw this stupid dream my mind is dumb... how come I can't dream about Baywatch or some shit? Why am I always dreaming about lame ass shit like not doing homework decades ago!?

I like to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle whilst trying to sleep... it's a blast. I'll be watching it and Rocky and Bullwinkle are doing some stuff like fighting mouse robots or sitting on mountains or trying to escape from the CIA who think they have a secret formula for rocket fuel that the people behind the iron curtain want... and then some other shit will come on... Peabody and Sherman... and I'll think... oh, now it's time to get a few minutes of shut-eye and close my eyes during this dopey Peabody part... and I'll dream with my own brain about being at a party where I have to take my shoes off because the host wants all the kids to take their shoes off... but then the party sucks so I leave but I can't remember where I left my shoes so I just leave without my shoes and walk out but then look around and notice I'm downtown now and I'm older and the cell phone in my pocket is one I had fifteen years ago... oh no! I'm dreaming! Ah! Let's wake up... I turn and look to the screen and William Conrad is narrating that now Rocky and Bullwinkle are looking for Upsiedaisyum, a mineral the people behind the iron curtain want to power some death ray or something... and I ask William Conrad... weren't they running from a robot mouse five minutes ago before the Peabody part came on? No... now they are trying to keep the Upsiedaisyum out of foreign entities hands. Wait, how can you respond to me, Bill Conrad!? Oh no! I'm still dreaming! I am now dreaming that I am in a bed watching Rocky and Bullwinkle! Wow. Is Captain Peter Peachfuzz really flying upside down in an airship or is my own mind dreaming he is!?

My re-occurring dreams are so fucking dumb. My dreams suck and are boring. I always leave my shoes somewhere out of reach yet this has never happened in real life. One time, in my re-occurring shoeless dream... I put someone else's shoes on in the pile of shoes at the party because I can't find mine... and I just walk out with someone else's shoes but that will always lead to me waking up because... I have never actually walked a mile in another man's shoes in real-actual life.

Anyways, now here's something I hope you really like!



The 1952 Gunsmoke Christmas Special!

Pew pew! Zing zing! RICOCHET! Pow! Pow! BANG BANG! Zing pew! Pew pew bang bang! ZING!

It's Gunsmoke! Justice, mercy, and also redemption on the frontier! Starring... William Conrad as Matt Dillon the best doggone sheriff in Dodge City!

Let us now listen to the one and only episode of Gunsmoke where no one gets shot...entitled, "Christmas Story"...

Now, I bet some will read the title "Christmas Story" and get confused with the Jean Shepherd one that airs on TBS all day on Christmas... this isn't the Jean Shepherd one this is the William Conrad one... so please don't be confused by the title. This is not the one with Darren McGavin this is the one with Mrs. Bumby.

William Conrad, actually wait, someone does get shot in this... he had to put a worn down poor injured horse, who broke his leg, out of his misery... but no men get shot in this very special Christmas episode of Gunsmoke.

If you are thinking, was Jean Shepherd influenced by William Conrad... after seeing the title "Christmas Story" which is obviously also a sort of not very unique name for a Christmas story just naming your Christmas story a "Christmas Story"... well... I would probably say yes to that. I think he might have been. I'm not saying this is in any way similar to Jean's "A Christmas Story" but I do in fact think Jean was a fan of this show. 

Actually in Jean's "A Christmas Story" a kid wants a toy gun so he can shoot bad guys similar to what he would have heard on Gunsmoke. His mother of course tells him, "You'll shoot your eye out!" and she's right! Haha, at the end of Shep's Christmas Story the kid actually shoots his glasses off with his first shot from his toy gun after he gets it. Many may not know this but... this is intentional... Jean refers to his "Christmas Story" in essence as an "anti-war" piece which would probably surprise many people that he perceived his work that way. The kid really did almost shoot his eye out with his stupid gun toy trying to be like William Conrad on Gunsmoke! That rascal! She was right! Haha. Guns aren't toys, gang! They don't go POW! POW! ZING! ZING! like on Gunsmoke... they will shoot your damned eyes out!

Actually, I heard an episode of Jean's radio show where he talks about his influences from radio and he doesn't mention William Conrad but I have a safe suspicion Gunsmoke was indeed an influence on Jean Shepherd's work.

As a very esoteric aside, do you know the two shows Jean Shepherd stated were his main comedic influences as a kid listening to old time radio? You wouldn't know them, trust me, but... he claims the two shows he liked as a kid on the radio were... firstly Ransom Sherman... and secondly he says as kid he liked a show called "Vic and Sade" from the mid-west. Very obscure references we're getting into now. I don't personally know very much about either of these... but... I am pretty sure Jean Shepherd was influenced by William Conrad as well.

Alright, guys, you sat through some stuffy historical boring stuff so let's get to the big payoff... let's continue on the Christmas theme and listen to a very edifying rendition of Twelve Days of Christmas as read by William Conrad and we shall end on a uplifting note! Okay?


The Twelve Days of Christmas by William Conrad!

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaTqN2ZuYSw)

Aaaaaw.... what a nice rendition of this classic. Really makes me happy listening to his....thanks for the uplifting end to this article, William Conrad. Really brightens my day right on up.

Alright well, that's enough thoughts, memories, theories, and exhibitions of art by history's William Conrad for one day.

Okay, bye guys!

Cold Weather... and Lonely Nights.

A seemingly expert "SEO" article I recently read stated that you should always write a preview of what the article will be about when you write on your personal website as well as claim early in the article that you are an expert on the subject(s) that will be presented.

This article will be about Cold Weather and I've mentally narrowed it down to a few things I would like to write about. These are the following; (A) The Rocky IV Training Montage where he does tough guy stuff in the snow, (B) Warsman the Russian brutal superman on the cartoon Kinnikuman, (C) This foreign movie I saw as a kid where this priest-guy saves a kid who's freezing to death in a cave but I don't remember the name of this movie, (D) The writings of Robert Service (AKA "The Bard of the Yukon"), (E) The film Alive (1993, run time: 125 mins) which documents the trials and tribulations of a Brazilian soccer team who's plane crash-lands and they must survive harsh conditions and end up eating their fallen brethren's corpses.

Alright, so, the article shall be about some, if not all, of the ideas mentioned above. I am an expert on all of these things. I am an expert on Rocky IV, Warsman, that movie with the kid in the cave who almost perishes of frost bite, the writings of Robert Service, and last but not least the 1993 movie Alive (which clocks in at a lengthy yet smooth runtime of 125 minutes) where the soccer players eat each other. I am an expert in all of these fields.

 

Good evening, reader, looks like it will be quite cold outside this weekend as temperatures are estimated to drop to negative 50 degrees Celsius in many northern regions of North America. We can already hear the hundreds of local weather people across the continent arguing who's going to be big hero who goes outside to film a remote to let the public know just how cold it is! Just stay inside, guys. It's going to be too cold outside!

It's January, the fun winter things like Christmas and New Years are over... it's just utter cold for like 3 more months. Oh man.

Obviously you know what this article is about because I wrote an informative intro in italics above which apparently helps with search engine optimization... now the search engines know I am an expert on what I am about to write about and will put this article higher in the results when people search for Rocky IV or Alive (1993).

I saw Alive when I was pretty young and many kids at school talked about this movie back then. When you're a kid and you see something harrowing or shocking... you naturally think in your naive mind... that this harrowing thing is definitely one day going to happen to you! All kids view the world in this manner, at one point of their lives, when they are young.

I remember being at school in like 5th grade and all the kids were asking each other if they would do what the team on the plane did in that situation if they were stranded in the cold after their plane crashed. It was a frightening situation to put yourself in.

That movie caused a lot of odd conversations... many people wondering out loud what they would do in that situation. To me, that movie reminds me of winter though... it was filmed, or I don't know if it was filmed there, but it was set in the Andes mountains and each scene is filmed in front of scenery of snow-capped mountain ranges and wind-swept canyons. I bet that movie won some cinematography awards... it is such a beautiful film about a soccer team eating corpses.

Kind of depressing... I don't think I'll write about that movie after all. I am also going to throw out the idea of that movie where a kid is saved from a cave because I don't remember what movie it is from. Freezing to death sucks either way and there's not much to say about it.

Rocky IV also reminds me of winter. The song in the training montage is so poignant... I hear that song sometimes when it's cold outside. I love the way he pulls that wagon or cart through the snow and thinks about avenging Apollo Creed by defeating Ivan Drago. It's a cinematic masterpiece. I bet a lot of guys exercise to that scene. It's cool because it's like a tough guy exercise song not like a go to the gym and pump iron but let's go into the cold woods and chop logs type of song. I love that song. I would like to chop wood to that song if circumstances ever permit.

Another song about winter that I like is the theme from Winters in Earthbound... the mysterious foreign winter land Jeff attends boarding school at. It's very suitable for winter that song, I find. I tend to think about it and hum that simple tune, all the time, when the rain starts to turn to snow and the whispers of the cool winds begin to blow in my ears. It reminds me of that boarding school, the teacher who invented a machine specifically to open a locker where the key got busted, the room full of gift-wrapped boxes containing cookies that the kid spent all day making that you ruin by opening them all, the bubble monkey that can briefly float if he's given a stick of bubble gum, the self-proclaimed Dungeon Man who has devoted his life to creating mazes and dungeons in areas where there is enough space and who later becomes a living/breathing/walking dungeon himself because he is so fascinated by dungeons, the friendly Loch Ness monster-like sea creature that gives you a lift across a pond, Stonehenge (which is infested with cavemen, bears, and aliens), the lab where you get the space ship thing... I remember that game like it was yesterday.

All these things mean winter to me... and I'm talking about a very specific portion of winter... I'm not talking about the Christmas stuff that part of winter is its own category in and of itself... I'm talking about the middle of January... the dead of winter... the worst of it.

The most dead of winter thing to me is probably Warsman... I like that guy Warsman... I wrote a whole article on Ramenman once... I could probably write a full article about Warsman too. He's a fascinating Chojin that Warsman. He grew up as an outcast robot-boy in the depths of horrible Siberia... and was eventually recruited by Robin Mask to destroy Kinnikuman at the Chojin Olympics... but he lost and then became a really close personal friend of Kinnikuman's.

I was watching the new Kinnikumans they were making where they fight the Perfect Prime Number supermen guys... and they gave Warsman more backstory... they even showed the poor robot-boy growing up as an outcast. They know how to pull the heart strings that show. They show you cute little robot baby Warsman like it's the dang muppet babies or something... and then the other kids just start pelting poor little robot baby Warsman with rocks! It's so sad... I remember being so sad for poor baby Warsman as I watched that scene unfold... he's like a little child bringing milk and bread home and kids just start pelting him with rocks for being a robot boy instead of a regular boy... my goodness.

They've done that before though. I think they even showed baby Ramenman once getting pelted with rocks too. I know they've done that before. I think they've done this several times over the decades. It works though... I can't see Warsman as the villain that put Ramenman out of commission after they show little cute baby Warsman getting pelted with rocks while he's trying to bring milk and bread home. Children can be so cruel.

It is not ever really explained how this robot was at one point a baby robot... but you give up trying to pretend the Kinnikuman show makes sense and just go with it, man. Embrace it and just go with it... and feel sad for baby Warsman.

I really like the Warsman theme song... the Rocky training montage song from Rocky IV is cool and people probably pull carts through the snow with and cut logs to it often... but I love when the weather gets cold, really cold, and I can start walking around in the dead of winter and blasting the Warsman theme into my headphones. I love this song...

.....Looooooooonely Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiights.

This video shows baby Warsman too from the old 80s version... I don't remember baby Warsman on the old show. Hmmm.... they just throw snowballs at him in the old show it seems though not rocks. The new Kinnikuman they made a year or so ago is far more violent than the old 80s one. They changed snowballs to rocks in the more recent version... it has more of an effect. Snowballs aren't that bad. The new show is so utterly violent and it catches you off guard because one scene a guy is fighting a faucet and then somebody's friggin' arms are being chopped off... it catches me off guard with the absurd violence they use.

I love this show. I love when they are being goofy and dumb and then it gets all serious and everything. I love that kind of thing. It's great.

Yo, remember when Warsman fought all those guys while playing guitar? That was cool. 

Who'd he fight on the new show? I forget... Oh yeah, the polar bear guy. He ran out of batteries/energy and was about to lose but then he found a reserve of "friendship" energy from his friends cheering for him that powered him to go into overdrive and win. That was good. The power of friendship is so powerful sometimes. It really makes you stop and think about how strong the power of friendship truly can be.

I remember one episode where they have to go into Warsman's body with a special Chinese mirror, I forget why, and there's a tower of wrestling rings inside of Warsman's body (obviously) and they have a wrestling tournament... inside of Warsman... that was cool.

Oh! Remember when Warsman couldn't do interviews for the press because he was in his dressing room shaving? Shaving his robot beard... I guess. 

Winter... the dead of winter... when I close my eyes and think about the lonely nights in the dead of winter... the first thing that always jumps ahead of the pack and takes pole position in my thoughts... is Warsman.

So tonight, gang, we salute Warsman, another fellow victim travelling on this road called life. A poor robot baby who was pelted with rocks for being born different... but who grew up to make a mark on our world in more ways than one thanks to his perseverance, resilience, and powerful submission holds.

Anyways, here's to you, Warsman... and to these loooooooooonely niiiiiiiiiiiiights.

Stay warm out there.





(Note: I forgot to include Robert Service in this article even though I said I would... I just forgot to, that's all.)