Summer's here and it's really hot outside! It's time for a summer story! I can feel it! As mentioned in the previous article I am going to write a... Spicy Detective story this summer!
My take on it will be to try and keep the tenets and precepts of the genre but I will attempt to bring the genre into a more modern setting. The crime that our detective will be dealing with won't be things from the nineteen hundreds but crime that only exists in today's fast-paced world.
Yes, my take, will be to write a pure spicy detective story but set in the modern day of 2026... people won't talk like gangsters from the 1940s... they will talk like people who live in 2026... and the crime that is perpetrated will be one that everyone in our convenient modern society can easily relate to.
For, in this modern day world of ours where millions upon millions of packages are delivered to front porches around this great continent to millions upon millions of people, we can all relate to a certain crime... and that's... package theft!
In our story our brash, brazen, and spicy detective shall be dealing with a... porch pirate who is stealing packages in a suburban neighborhood!
That's a relatable-to premise? No?
This story will be shorter and lighter than the others I've written. I doubt there will be multiple volumes like the previous ones.
Alright, let's begin...
The Babylon Thief
-a short-story by D.
Clear Point, a beautiful suburb in upstate New Jersey, was idealistic in the summer. The summer's sun cast a soft, enveloping, warmth across the quaint hamlet. Men wiped sweat from their furrowed brows as they worked long days in the heat, women were noticeably starting to wear less-and-less clothing and were walking around town in halter-tops or even just bikini tops for all to see in broad daylight, children ran amok through sprinklers to stay cool, and old men played checkers and chess in the park.
It was a suburban heaven. Crime was low to non-existent, everyone knew each other, and life was quiet, peaceful, and nice. Everyone in Clear Point was happy and the whole town was currently greatly enjoying the summer.
Inside their climate controlled apartment with their air conditioner turned to full blast was a young couple. They had been together for a short time but were pretty decently in love with each other. Curtis was an affable fellow, of the age of 23, and Megan was his sexy girlfriend, age of 22, she was frying up some home fries and pan seared hamburgers while he played online video games.
"My video card is too slow!" whined Curtis as his online video game lagged and he lost again as usual... because he was bad at it.
"So buy a new one!" replied Megan from the kitchen as sweat slowly dripped off of her face as she flipped the intricately-cut potato wedges in her frying pan.
"I can't! I maxed out my credit card! I spent all my money at the grocery store!" continued to whine Curtis.
"Just use mine, then. I just signed up for Babylon Prime too... I get, like, free shipping, on, like, everything now," said Megan as she threw a greasy, meaty, and succulent burger onto the pan which made a sizzling sound as grease almost spat up and almost landed on her pink tank top which generously nurtured and supported her abundant chest.
"Oh ya!? Okay, good... what's your Babylon account called again and what's the password?" asked Curtis.
"It's sexaygurl446@slotmail.com and the password is IheartCurtis! Capital 'I' and capital 'C'." replied Megan as she slowly flipped the burger in the pan which was perfectly cooked on the first side. It was getting so hot in the kitchen in front of the stove so she, also, slowly, wiped some sweat off of her forehead with the bottom of her tank top.
"Okay cool, thanks," said Curtis as he logged off of his online video game and logged into Megan's Babylon account to order a new video card for his computer.
"Oh my god... it's getting really hot in here..." said Megan as she perfectly cooked the other-side of a hamburger to complete perfection.
"I found one for seven hundred bucks, okay babe?" said Curtis.
"Seven hundred bucks for a video card!? What the fuck!?" responded Megan in shock and anger.
"It's too late, I already ordered it... it'll be here... tomorrow morning!? Wow! That's fast!" said Curtis as he totally ignored her complaint about the price of his new computer component.
"Yeah, you get next-day, porch-side, expedited, and free shipping on all orders if you get a Prime account," answered Megan, already giving up her protest of the price of the video card, for she knew her qualms would only fall on deaf ears, and that her protest was futile when it came to Curtis and his online gaming compulsions.
"You're the best! Thanks for letting me use your credit card to buy a new video card... I love you so much... are the burgers ready yet?" asked Curtis.
"Yeah..." sighed Megan as she wiped more sweat from her forehead.
The young couple ate and turned in for the night. The burgers and home fried french fries were very delicious for Megan had added American cheese, pickles, ketchup, and salt and pepper to the burgers and spiced up the fries with onion salt and a healthy dose of smooth and silky ketchup. The next morning when Curtis checked the front stoop of their apartment building... to his dismay... there was no package in sight.
"What the fuck!? Is this some kind of sick joke!? Where the fuck is my package! Where is my parcel!? Where is my shit, Babylon!? Where's my thing, Babylon!" exclaimed Curtis in a clamor.
He quickly ran back inside to his cool apartment to check the status of his order on Megan's account... it said.. signed, sealed... and delivered... TODAY!
"MEGAN! WAKE UP! MY VIDEO CARD ISN'T HERE!" cried Curtis like a damned man-baby.
Megan, threw off the silky sheets, threw on a loose-fitting white halter top, and went to see what Curtis was belly-aching about.
"It's, like, 10:45... in the morning... what the hell are you yelling about? I wanted to sleep in today..." sighed Megan.
"Babylon says my package was delivered ten MINUTES ago!" began screaming the frustrated Curtis.
"So?" replied Megan rubbing her sleepy eyes while throwing back her sleek brown hair.
"So!? IT'S NOT HERE! I went out to the stoop, like, five minutes ago and it wasn't there!" whined Curtis as he was suffering a crisis over not receiving his video card.
"Call customer service..." mumbled Megan as she went back to bed.
Curtis found the number for Babylon customer service on Megan's account, took out his cell phone, and started to enter the corresponding numbers he saw on his computer screen into his cell phone. After a few rings... someone answered.
"Good morning! Welcome to Babylon Customer Service! Your call may be monitored by top security professionals and will be recorded! Press one to accept these terms and continue!" said a voice so joyful, almost too joyful, that it sounded like the voice in your car's GPS when it tells you to turn right at the light, thought Curtis.
"Yes... I ordered a video card... uhh... and it says on the track-your-package thing that it was delivered to my stoop like ten minutes ago but it's, like, NOT HERE, so?" asked Curtis.
"Please enter the 24 digit tracking code for your package into your phone... now," explained the customer service agent who was very likely not human.
Curtis found the code and entered it into his cell phone...
"Thank you for your patience, be aware that Babylon values your patronage and values you as a customer, our motto is Heal Our Earth One Single Package at a Time... a service representative will be available shortly to respond to specific complaint. If this message was helpful, please press one now," said the automated message.
Curtis didn't press anything as very-light muzak began playing in his cell phone as he waited for a human to come on the phone. Many a minute past as the muzak gently soothed his heart, mind, and ears. Finally, after several more minutes, a voice came on his cell phone...
"Hello, my name is Gwaran, I have access to your tracking number of 4691352-9004501-0-124-567124 and would like to help you today," said the human voice to Curtis.
"Yeah, uuuuuh, yeah... uhhhh... my video card didn't get delivered, so, uhhhhh...." informed Curtis to the Babylon representative.
"Yes, it did. Please check the attached photo in your account. The delivery agent submitted a photograph of the package on your stoop at 10:35 in the morning of today. The photo is available to you in your Babylon account... please check the side-bar for packages in transit to see the photo of your delivered parcel, thank you," said Gwaran the representative.
Curtis found the packages in transit tab on the side-bar of his sexy girlfriend's Babylon account and did indeed see a photo of his parcel on his stoop with a time-stamp of 10:35 am listed with the photo.
"What the fuck!? But, bro, where did it go!?" asked Curtis.
"That...I do not know. Sir, if a porch thief has managed to apprehend your parcel it is not a matter for us but a matter for the police, thank you very much, our motto is Heal Our Earth One Single Package at a Time, have a wonderful and eventful day, sir, goodbye," politely said Gwaran.
Curtis was incensed with a rage that burned through his body like a violent forest fire of total indignation! Someone stole his package! Somebody stole his video card! What the fuck, he thought to himself. What the fuck, indeed.
"Babe! What's the number for the police!?" Curtis asked Megan in a panic.
"Are you joking?" replied Megan as she snapped on a pair of tight black yoga-pants in the bedroom.
"No," said Curtis.
"It's nine, one, one! You don't know that!?" angrily retorted Megan as she checked herself out in the mirror to see if her tight black yoga-pants were hugging the lower-half of her well-toned body correctly... which they were.
"Uh NO! I actually DON'T! Okay? I grew up in Clear Point, the suburbs, I didn't grow up in Atlantic City like you did, okay? I've never had to call the police in my entire life! Okay?" frantically said Curtis as he continued to have a meltdown over not receiving his video card.
"Just because you've never had to call the police before doesn't mean you shouldn't know what the police's phone number is! Everyone knows the police's phone number!" stated Megan as she pulled her white halter-top ever-so-slightly downward to hug her ample bosom even-more accurately.
"Are you sure it's noine, wun, wun?" Curtis asked to be sure he was calling the right number to talk to the police.
"NO! it's NINE, ONE, ONE! It's not NOINE, WUN, WUN!" Megan sarcastically responded.
"Okay...okay... okay... just breathe... just breathe... breathe," nervously breathed Curtis.
"Curtis, what is wrong with you? It's my money anyways... you bought your game on my card! Why are you freaking out for?" asked Megan as Curtis frantically called the police.
"It's not a game! It's a video card! It's a component for my computer! Okay, okay, okay... wait... I got the police... wait... wait... hold on, Megan, one sec...Yes! Hello! Police?" said Curtis.
"Yes, this is emergency services, what is your emergency?" said the voice on Curtis's cell phone.
"Yeah, police, so look, like, someone stole my Babylon..." began Curtis yet got cut off as soon as he mentioned the word Babylon and did not even get to say the word parcel.
"Sir, we do not consider Babylon packages, for any reason, as being an emergency... goodbye," bluntly said the woman from emergency services.
"Yo, but, Megan, I mean my girlfriend has a Prime account with Babylon so...hello? Hello!? Did they fucking hang up on me!?" whined Curtis.
Megan tried interjecting into Curtis's current crisis with some somber and rational advice...
"It happens to everybody. Everyone gets their Babylons stolen on the stoops, sometimes. It's the just the way it is. Settle down, Curtis," interjected Megan.
"Settle down!? Someone stole my video card, Megan, I will not just settle down! It happens to everybody!? Well, It SHOULDN'T! It really shouldn't happen to ANYBODY! This world has descended into being a CESSPOOL! We are living in a CESSPOOL of CRIME! WE ARE LIVING IN A WORLD THAT IS A CESSPOOL OF TOTAL CRIME! MEGAN!" bloviated the very-upset Curtis.
"Are you serious? I..." sighed Megan who was now actually angry that Curtis didn't even notice she put on her hot yoga-pants today as he was too busy whining about his video card that she paid for anyway because he ordered it with her credit card on her Babylon Prime account.
"Megan... like... fuck you," said Curtis.
"Yeah, whatever, if you want to find your video card... why don't you hire a private investigator?" very-jokingly joked Megan not even 1% seriously or anything which was a big mistake to say this for she had really under-estimated how far her boyfriend would actually go to find his video card.
"Private... investigator? Wow... you're so smart sometimes, Megan, I'm sorry I said fuck you to you... that's a great idea!" happily said Curtis with a giant smile upon his face.
"..." sighed the sexy Megan in her halter-top and tight-tight yoga-pants.
Meanwhile, as the very sexy Megan sighed, Curtis was already on his favorite search-engine on the internet looking for private investigators. He came across many names, but one really stuck out, which he said out loud as soon as he came across the search result.
"...Johnny Spice?" said Curtis with a confident sneer on his face as he truly believed a guy who was named something like this could for-sure find his video card he ordered from Babylon last night.
"Johnny... Spice? Sounds like a porno star..." said Megan.
"Megan... look... you don't know anything about private eyes... you're annoying also... so... enough with the needless comments, mm-kay? Listen to his ad...If you are in need of a highly discreet yet professional private investigation or you need a bodyguard... please don't hesitate to contact without delay... Johnny Spice... a REAL detective.." said Curtis as he started to read the online ad aloud to Megan.
"He sounds sort of cool..." Megan said.
"Wait, there's more... check it out... it says... 25% off first investigation... results or money-back... will travel," continued to read Curtis.
"What's his email?" asked Megan, now curious, as Johnny Spice actually did sound like a guy who could get the job done.
"JohnnySpice@slotmail.com...." replied Curtis.
"How come he doesn't have any numbers in his email?" asked Megan confusingly.
"I don't know, maybe he's like old... or something. Like, maybe he got his slotmail account in the nineteen hundreds... or something. Back then, like in the olden-times, I don't think you had to put a bunch of numbers after your email address when you got a slotmail account," informed Curtis.
"So he's like... all old? Are you sure we can trust him? I have to admit his ad sounds pretty cool... and something about his name... makes me tingle all over," said the hot Megan as she whipped her long brown hair around and adjusted the waist-line of her skin-tight yoga-pants.
"Megan, listen... I refuse to live in this crime-ridden cesspool of our so-called society for no-more than one-more second, Megan, I don't care how much it costs... I'm gonna hire... Johnny Spice!"
To be continued.....
Meanwhile, cruisin' down the endless highway in this great land called America in a cherry red Viper... was our favorite private dick... Johnny Spice!
He was a cool looking guy, of around 34 years of age, who had wavy brown hair, a cool goatee, and hip sunglasses. He wore a sleek black suit with a slightly dishevelled tie. After one ring of his high-end cellular phone he whipped it out of his pocket, in an instant and said...
"Spice," he said.
"Yeah, hey, Mr. Spice... it's... just look... uhhh... the police won't help me and I have no one to turn to and..." started Curtis.
"...you wanna hire the A-team?" joked Johnny Spice.
"What? No... who are they?" replied Curtis not understanding the reference.
"Never mind, kid, you need a private eye?" asked Johnny Spice.
"Yes, I do, it is very important... can you come to 1601 Cool Breeze street in Clear Point?" inquired Curtis.
"Yeah, sure, I'm not in that area... but damn... my Viper is fast," confidently said Johnny Spice as he hung up and put the pedal to the metal.
"Ok, cool, thanks, bye," said Curtis.
Meanwhile back at Curtis and Megan's appartment...
"He's really coming here? He has a VIPER? He sounded cool?" asked Megan of Curtis as she listened to him talk to a cool guy on his phone.
"Yeah, yes, and yeah..." replied Curtis.
"Okay, so, what do we do?" asked Megan.
"Look, the apartment is a mess, maybe Johnny Spice will show up and see how messy our apartment is, and not take my case because he'll think we're losers or something. That's how cool guys think... so... you have to clean... fast too... because he's coming here in a Viper... cherry red... and those cars are fast," explained Curtis.
Megan, who's life was lacking excitement due to living with a so-called professional gamer, and working as a barista at the local cafe, was quite excited to meet a real private investigator who had a porno star name. She sprang into action and tidied up the three-and-a-half apartment as quickly as she could. She worked, so hard, she began to sweat once again like yesterday when she made the hot hamburgers. Sweat was pouring from her forehead like a veritable unquenchable tempest as she tidied up. She reached down for her white halter-top and pulled it up to her forehead to wipe some pesky sweat from her face, exposing her well-toned mid-rift, and also almost exposing the fabric of her grey brassiere in the process.
"Ew! Megan! You stink! Go take a shower! If Johnny Spice smells you like you are now he probably won't take my case!" implored Curtis to his girlfriend who was now drenched from head-to-toe with pearly-beads of perspiration.
"I really stink, for real? Okay, good idea! Okay... yeah, you're right, cool guys probably frown upon sweaty girls, right?" she wondered nervously.
"Yeah, for sure," informed Curtis.
Megan headed towards the shower to wash the grime and sweat off of her toned body while Curtis sat in a chair and cracked open a can of beer so when Johnny Spice walked in he'd see Curtis drinking a cold beer and assume Curtis was a cool guy like he was. Several minutes past and then...
Knock knock knock! A knock came at the door!
"Come in!" confidently said Curtis as he sat in his computing chair whilst drinking an ice cold beer.
In walked, Johnny Spice, in his sleek black suit! He sauntered in all mysterious-like and turned to Curtis and said with an intense air about his words...
"Hey, I came as fast as I could. What's the trouble? I can handle... anything," said Johnny Spice.
"Can I get you a beer?" said Curtis as he slowly sipped his beer.
"No, thanks, I just need to know what the job is... and how much you can afford to pay," calmly said Johnny Spice.
"Well, you see..." started Curtis but then Megan stormed out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel and interrupted Curtis!
"Babe! Did you use my body wash again!? That's not for guys! It's, like, got special enzymes for my skin! Stop using my body wash!" Megan began shouting.
Johnny Spice turned and tipped his hat to Megan and said...
"Hey, I'm Johnny Spice," said Johnny Spice.
Megan didn't know he was already in their apartment and just stood and stared at him like a fool. As she stood and stared at his sunglasses and stylish goatee... she totally forgot she was holding her towel with one hand... and it almost fell to the ground... but she caught it at the last second to keep the towel, ever-so-barely, covering her ample physique!
"Oh, uh, hi..." nervously said Megan as she greeted Johnny Spice while barely managing to keep her small towel fastened around her generous body.
"Megan!? What the fuck!?" said Curtis.
Megan just stood there looking at Johnny Spice. She looked like that internet meme where the boyfriend is looking at another woman while holding his girlfriend's hand. Megan didn't even turn to Curtis, whatsoever, she just kept looking at Johnny Spice while desperately trying to keep her towel from falling to the floor and not exposing her very naked body to the private eye that was in her home.
Underneath that small towel, Megan was really naked, but Johnny Spice wasn't phased and continued his conversation with Curtis as if nothing was amiss.
"What's the job? Kid?" asked Johnny Spice.
"Well, sorry about her, she can be like this, pretty annoying, sometimes, but someone stole my Babylon parcel and no one will..." started Curtis but then the almost-naked Megan interrupted him again.
"Sorry, Johnny, I know it's lame... it's like... it was just a video card... it's not anything important..." said Megan who had now gotten her towel fastened more carefully.
"...just a video card? Someone stole your video card? That's not right...." said Johnny Spice.
"Yeah, Johnny, right off my stoop! This world is going to hell! Our society has fallen so far into a pit of filth and of nothing but endless and endless transgressions against our personal freedom! Endless transgressions! The transgressions are now ENDLESS! WE ARE LIVING IN A CESSPOOL OF HUMAN CRIME! A CESSPOOL! OF! CRIME!" shouted Curtis.
"Argh.... not this again," sighed Megan as she spoke.
"I know, you're right, man," agreed Johnny Spice.
"...he's what?" asked Megan surprised at Johnny's words.
Johnny Spice loosened his already-loose tie even more and said...
"Yeah, this world really is nothing-but a pit of filth. This world is a cesspool of crime. The underbelly of our society is rotting right to its very core. Stoop thieves are some of the lowest pieces of human garbage operating in our world today," began Johnny Spice.
"They are! They are human garbage!" agreed Curtis.
"Human garbage... swimming at the bottom of this cesspool! An endless cesspool that's flowing like a river of piss and shit through New Jersey! Bottom feeders! They are bottom feeders is what they are! Eating piss and shit at the bottom of this cesspool!" pontificated Johnny Spice.
"Yeah!" agreed Curtis.
"..but... thank GOD there's guys like me... also swimming in this god damned cesspool... trying to sift through this river of shit and piss... trying to dig out the diamonds in the rough... that lie at the bottom of this cesspool. You're one of those diamonds, kid, what's your name?" asked Johnny Spice.
"I... I'm Curtis... and this is my girlfriend, Megan," replied Curtis.
"Curtis... I'm on the case... I'll find your video card... and I'll do it pro bono... because, kid, you are one of those diamonds sitting at the bottom of this river of shit and piss that I wanna fish out... I'm happy I found you..." said Johnny Spice.
"My case is so good it gave you a boner?" wondered Curtis.
"No... pro bono... means... I'll do it... for free," said Johnny Spice.
"For free!? Oh! Wow! Okay!" exclaimed Curtis.
"Bye, Curtis... and bye, Megan, I'll be seein' you two in a couple days after I gather some information around this town," said Johnny Spice as he winked at Megan.
"..." replied Megan gripping her towel along her naked body for dear life.
With that, Johnny Spice, walked out the door of their modest apartment leaving the couple in total awe...
"Woah, that guy was cool, I really actually think he can find my video card," said Curtis.
Megan, who had just went to the bedroom to throw on a loose fitting grey t-shirt and a pair of low-cut jean-shorts with the pockets sticking-out had finally settled down after being in quite a state of fluster after seeing Johnny Spice, a private investigator with a porno star's name, in her apartment.
"He sort of looked like a young Johnny Depp!" said Megan.
"Who?" naively asked Curtis.
"Johnny Depp! Remember when we watched those pirate movies!?" answered Megan.
"Oh yeah.. oh that guy... he's all old now... and I think he was canceled too, no? Wasn't that guy canceled? Johnny Depp?" asked Curtis.
"Yeah, I think so, he is, like, all old n' canceled, now, but he used to be like super-hot," said Megan.
"I don't think so... I don't think he was ever like that, I don't remember Johnny Depp ever being hot and I'm older than you," countered Curtis.
"You only play video games, you don't watch movies, you wouldn't really know who he is. I'm a more cultured person and I have invested time and effort into understanding film. I live a far more cultured life than you do... so... I know about these things. He looked like Johnny Depp but when Johnny Depp was young! My dad showed me a movie when I was a kid where Johnny Depp, like, left his mentally-handicapped brother in a bathtub while he was out having sex with Ted Danson's wife... and his mother was a really-really-really fat lady... and the fat lady got so mad at Johnny Depp for leaving his brother in a bath tub, all night long, and Johnny Depp looked so hot when he was young, like, oh my god..." said Megan.
"Megan... that is the stupidest description of a movie I have ever heard. There's no way a movie is about that. You are being so dumb right now... there is no way that's a real movie, don't be ridiculous," retorted Curtis.
"It is! It was called something Gilbert Grape. Who is Gilbert Grape, I think. He was so cute when he was young and Johnny Spice looks like that! He looks like when Johnny Depp was cute! Not like what he looked like in those pirate movies! Where he is all straggly n' wrinkly n' looks like he's wearing eye shadow n' stuff...he is all ugly now but he used to be really hot!" elaborated Megan.
"... and Johnny Spice looks like that?" wondered Curtis.
"Yes!" confirmed Megan.
"Maybe we can watch it tonight. This Gilbert Grape movie, You wannu, babe? How long is it? It's not like more than two hours is it?" asked Curtis.
"No, I don't think so, Curtis.... I don't think it's longer than two hours... let's watch it...." replied Megan.
Meanwhile, Johnny Spice, was now cruisin' around Clear Point, New Jersey, in his cherry red Viper lookin' for a stoop thief...
To be continued...
Johnny was currently having a deep inner-monologue to himself as he drove, quite fast, in his Viper, around Clear Point...
This damned place is nothing but a den of wolves. Poor Curtis, that poor sweet, kid... he's probably a student and needed that video card to do deeply important things on his computer, he was probably curin' cancer or some shit to get his degree in cancer studies at the University. Damn, not even his girlfriend cared that he got his package nabbed right off his stoop in broad daylight. Nobody cares anymore... they've just accepted that packages go missing... it's a crying shame is what it is. It's high time someone stood up, in the name of justice, and put a stop to this grievous effrontery!
Grievous effrontery of a nature of which can only be described as brazen! Brazen effrontery!
I'll find that kid's video card if its the last thing that I do. I'll go to hell and back to find it! I don't care what it takes! I'm gonna find it! Even if gotta swim to the bottom of the cesspool... I'll find it if it's the last thing I do!
Johnny figured his first step, with this case, was to gather some information around town, and the best place to start was at a local drinkin' hole or at a local coffee shop. He found the closest bar on his GPS and made his way to Sandy's... a local drinkin' hole right in the middle of Clear Point.
He got out of his Viper, as some nearby teenagers who were smokin' vape tubes complimented his "sick wheels" as they put it... he thanked them for their positive compliments regarding his car and he entered the establishment. He sat down and nodded to the bar man... a gruff lookin' tough guy... with a thick black beard and cool multi-colored sunglasses like athletes used to wear.
"Never seen you come in here before, bruther," said the bartender.
"New in town, man, lookin' for someone... who're you?" asked Johnny.
"Name's Sandy Poffo, man, me n' my wife Elizabeth run this here waterin' hole, ooooh yeah, now what can I get ya, bruther?" asked Sandy.
"I'll take a French 75, make sure the lemons are freshly squeezed, but hold the twist," replied Johnny.
"A FRENCH 75!? Where do you think you are, bruther! Europe!? This here is New Jersey, compadre, n' I 'aint never made nobody a damn French 75 before and I doubt I ever will so unless you want a boiler-maker then get outta here, pal!" informed Sandy Poffo.
"Fine, a boiler-maker, Sandy," relented Johnny.
Sandy gave Johnny one shot of hard whisky in a shot glass and a glass of ice cold beer. Johnny took the shot and then slowly sipped the cold beer as a chaser... feelin' a little loose... he started to ask questions to the bar keep.
"So, any weirdos, around these days? Anyone giving you trouble? Any suspicious people of any sort?" asked the now-loose Johnny.
"Suspicious people? Naw, bruther... but... weirdos!? Damn man... every fifth person who comes in here is nothing but a damned weirdo! Look around for yourself, man, every guy in here is a damned weirdo! There's a weirdo! Look, there's a dang weirdo! There's another weirdo over there!" answered Sandy as he pointed, hard, to many weirdos around them.
"Lot of weirdos, out these days, huh? How 'bout you just tell me about the top three weirdos who frequent your establishment..." asked Johnny trying to refine the results down a bit to find his first leads as to who could stoop so low to be a stoop-thief in Clear Point.
"Top three? No one's ever asked me that before, bruther, lemme think... hmm.... well, that guy playing the poker machine over there, Stinky Philip, that little son-of-a-bitch never pays his tab until Friday when he gets paid at whatever shit he does... and he fucking STINKS too... don't believe me? Go smell 'em! Oooooh yeah!" began Sandy.
"Stinky Philip? Doesn't pay his debts up-front... smells... hmm.... continue..." said Johnny as he scribbled some notes into his pocket-sized note-pad.
"Then there's Dirty Eric, another short-guy, even shorter than Stinky Philip, sits over there all day long n' never fucking buys anything except for one black coffee without even any damned cream in it, ooooh yeah, sits there all day long, bruther, doesn't even have a lap-top or nuthin' just sits there looking at the fucking ceiling all zoned-out on some SHIT, ooooh yeah!" stated Sandy.
"Probably all wonked-out on goofballs? That's definitely the type of guy I'd like to talk to, next," said Johnny as he made another small bio entry into his notepad.
"Last but certainly not least is Greasy Ramowitz! That guy's got hands that look like feet, ooooh yeah, his thumbs look like BIG TOES, bruther, the guy looks like a god damned DE-EVOLVED APE! HE'S AN APE, bruther, a greasy neanderthal with feet-hands, ooooh yeah, FEET HANDS!" explained Sandy.
"I'd like to interrogate these guys... if that's alright with you Mr. Poffo," said Johnny as he sipped his beer.
"Amen, bruther! Tell you what... if you take these stinky boys out back... n' hose 'em down with my hose... n' clean these dirty boys up! I'll give you those drinks for free n' you can ask 'em whatever you want, ooooh yeah!" offered Sandy.
"Sounds like a plan, my man, mind if I use a little rough tactics with these smelly boys?" asked Johnny.
"Do whatever you need to do, bruther, my cheek will likely be turned the other way for entire time you're here, dig it!?" replied Sandy.
"Yeah, ooh yeah, I can definitely dig it, Sandy..." said Johnny as he put down his beer and went to corral up these three stinky men.
He didn't even introduce himself, he just sauntered over to Stinky Philip, and stuck him in a head lock! Then over to Dirty Eric and used his other arm to put the second little stinker in a head lock! He now had two stinkwads in headlocks in both of his strong arms! Then he sauntered over to Greasy Ramowitz and started kicking him in the keester out the back door! He threw all the stinky boys against the wall and unravelled Sandy Poffo's hose he had out back to start sprayin' these smelly men down!
He opened the hose full blast and sprayed the first stinker!
"Ah! Stop! No!" complained Stinky Philip.
He, nextly, turned that hose of cleanliness and righteousness to the second stinkwad and let loose!
"NO! Don't spray me! No!" whined Dirty Eric.
Finally he shot a blast of clean water all over the foot-handed fellow...
"WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAH!" cried Greasy Ramowitz.
Johnny sprayed 'em down good. Johnny sprayed 'em all down real good... he cleaned those smelly boys right on up!
"Any of you dirtbags know about a... VIDEO CARD!?" demanded Johnny as his mass interrogation of dirty men continued.
"What? NO! Ow! Stop spraying my eyes! Ouch," complained a dirty man.
"Looks like you guys aren't talking, is that right, I'm looking for a stoop thief n' I'm gonna find him!" declared Johnny as he turned his hose to full blast and blasted the unwashed fellows with cold, crisp, clean water again.
"You're getting my clothes all wet! STOP!" whined the foot-handed fellow.
"Any of you, grimy boys, know about anyone stealin' Babylon packages!?" asked our hose-wielding hero Johnny.
"NO! PLEASE STOP!" said Dirty Eric.
"Looks like none of you know anything... I'll stop spraying you guys now... but please try and be better patrons at this fine establishment," explained Johnny as he turned off the hose.
"I will, honest, scout's swear..." said Stinky Philip as the other two nodded in agreement.
Johnny went back inside and assured Sandy that these stinky boys learned there lesson. Sandy was very happy to here this and thanked Johnny for his efforts and deeds... but unfortunately... Johnny learned nothing of value from this local waterin' hole and left empty handed... but at least he sprayed down a couple of stinky boys who needed a good bath.
He left the bar and got back into his Viper where he saw a missed call from Curtis and called him back.
"Hey, Spice! Is that you!? How is my case going?" asked Curtis answering Johnny's call on his cellphone.
"Not so great, kid, haven't got any good leads yet... but I'm sure something will turn up soon... I got a good feeling about this town," replied Johnny.
"Cool, Spice, cool..." said the very excited Curtis.
"So, what have you been up to, man?" asked Johnny.
"Not much, not much, Spice, me n' Megan watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape last night and it was pretty good, I was actually surprised, I mean, the way Megan described it to me, it sounded so stupid, but it was actually pretty endearing, I found, like, the entire cast from Johnny Depp to Leonardo Dicaprio... I mean... I found the whole cast to be..." said Curtis.
"How long is it?" inquired Johnny.
"It's under two hours... or that's what Megan told me before we started it..." answered Curtis.
"I'm looking at the description of the movie, on my phone, right now, and it literally says it's one hour and fifty-eight minutes, Curtis, that's two minutes away from being two hours... please be more concise in your answers to me from now on..." said Johnny Spice.
"Sorry, Spice, sorry... you're right it's pretty long... I doubt a cool-guy like you would like it," apologized Curtis.
"Well, I guess, while I'm out hosin' down some stinky boys, trying my best to find your item, you have enough leisure time, in your life, to watch two hour long movies? Is that it, huh, Curtis? Sorry, man, but Johnny Spice doesn't have time to watch over-two-hour-long movies!" said Johnny.
"Yeah... uh... yeah. You were hosin' people down? Cool!" replied Curtis.
"All in a day's work, kid, bye now," said Johnny as he hung up and continued his valiant search for Curtis's Babylon package.
To Be Continued...
The next day, was very uneventful, as such... as Johnny continued finding slobs to bother... whilst Curtis and Megan were once
again thinking about what to do during another sultry summer night....
Megan had just cooked spaghetti for the two of them with extra butter on the noodles and she grated cheese all over the sauce... it was really good. After they ate, she changed out of her sweaty jeans
and t-shirt and put on some lighter clothing... boy-shorts n' a pyjama
top... as she was ready to settle in for another night with her sweet
Curtis.
"That was so much fun, last night, just cuddling and watching What's Eating Gilbert Grape together... it was nice to watch a movie for a change instead of watching you play video games all night long, my beautiful, Curtis," said Megan.
"It
was, actually, fun. That movie was really good, I truly enjoyed it
immensely," said Curtis as he eyed her black n' white boy-shorts.
"There's another Johnny Depp movie that I like called Benny and Joon... it's actually pretty good too... in
this one Johnny Depp doesn't take care of his mentally ill brother but
instead he falls deeply in love with a slightly mentally ill woman... and... it has that
song I will walk five hundred miles and I na-na-naaaa-na-naa something more in it! It's really good, I think you'll like it... especially since you liked What's Eating Gilbert Grape so much," said Megan confident that Curtis would watch another film with her.
"How
long is it? Guys like me don't watch movies that are over two hours
long... guys like me and Johnny Spice don't have that much time to
devote to films, due to the fact, that guys like us have to worry about other pursuits," said Curtis as he tried to sound cool.
"It's not that long I don't think," wondered aloud Megan.
"Look, Megan, your phone is right in front of you... you can find out how long that movie is right now and give me a concise response," demanded Curtis.
"....? Are you serious?" asked Megan.
"Yeah..." said Curtis as his cell phone began to ring.
Curtis answered it and was excited to find out it was a call from Johnny Spice!
"Spice! What's up, my man?" gleefully asked Curtis.
"I got a new lead, some hobo told me there's a guy living at the storage depot in one of the lockers..." began Johnny Spice.
"So?" asked Curtis.
"A guy living in a storage locker? You don't think that's suspicious? He probably sleeps on
fucking Babylon packages that he spent all day stealing! Come on! I'm
gonna come get you. I might need some help holding this smelly guy down while I can interrogate him," explained Johnny Spice.
"You, wanna, like, hang? You wanna hang out with me?" nervously asked Curtis.
"No! I need a side-kick, Curtis!" stated Johnny Spice.
"Okay, cool, cool-cool, I'm ready to come help you, Spice!" agreed Curtis.
"Ok good... I'm coming to get you now, be ready! Bye," said Johnny.
Curtis hung up and with a big smile upon his face... he turned and told Megan...
"I
gotta go help Johnny Spice, okay? Me n' him... we're like friends now, I think...
sooooo.... like.... don't wait up... k? We have very important business to attend to," said Curtis to Megan.
"Wait, what? You don't want to watch Benny and Joon with me? I thought that's what we were gonna do tonight... I even made popcorn," sadly said Megan.
"No, that was what we were going to do tonight until Johnny fucking Spice
asked me to be his side-kick which probably means, pretty much, to
become like his best-friend, basically, I think," replied Curtis.
"Curtis!
You just hired him to find your video card! He's not even charging you!
Just let him do all the hard stuff and get into all the sticky
situations himself... you can't do stuff like this! Come on, just stay home this evening and
watch another Johnny Depp movie with me... this one's not even close to two hours..." Megan pleaded but to no avail as Curtis was bitten with the bite of danger.
"No
can do, baby, this case is too tough for Johnny alone to handle and he desperately needs me by his side... far more than you do... you stay here and watch a
movie... while I tear it up with Johnny... and... and... and... I'll probably have to punch a few guys in the neck too!" proudly stated Curtis.
"Punch people in the neck? Nobody punches people in the neck!" angrily responded Megan.
"But if I punch them in the face... maybe I'll break my hand," whined Curtis.
"Considering your intolerance to milk products... your bones suck... you have dainty wrists... so don't punch anyone or anything... okay?" worriedly stated Megan.
"I
hope it won't come to that, Megan, but if need be... and we find the
guy who nipped my card... I don't think I will follow your advice... for the simple reason that I just can't,"
confidently said Curtis with the demeanor of a brave man.
"Whatever...
just don't make noise when you come home... I have work tomorrow!"
Megan said as she waved him off with her hand in an impolite manner.
Curtis ran out the door and anxiously awaited for Johnny to pull up in his Viper! After several minutes... he did!
"Yo! Spice! I'm here! I'm ready to assist you in any way!" exclaimed Curtis.
"Okay,
good, kid, I was down at the bowlin' alley, doin' some bowlin' today,
and this guy was telling me that there's a bearded hobo in town... so I
tracked the bearded hobo down and asked him about your video card..."
began Johnny as he parked his car and Curtis jumped in the passenger
seat.
"Did he know where it was?" asked Curtis as he buckled his safety-belt.
"No,
but, he told me he knows some guy who gave him toilet paper... another
homeless dude... he said this guy lives at the storage depot... sounds
to me like the type of guy who's probably up to no-good... let's go
pay him a visit!" said Johnny as he sped off in the direction of the
storage depot where a suspicious guy supposedly lived.
"Wow, so, wow, so... I... what should I do!? What should I do!?" nervously asked Curtis as they got closer to the storage depot.
"You
can start by calming down! All you gotta do as my new side-kick is be
chill. I'm tired of looking for your video card alone. That's all,"
explained Johnny.
"Okay, there it is there, that's the storage depot, Johnny... uh... I mean Spice," said Curtis as he pointed to the storage depot.
"Call me Johnny... don't call me Spice," corrected Johnny Spice.
"Ok, sorry, Johnny. You'll never believe this, Johnny, but Megan, she wanted me to stay home and watch Benny and Joon with her all night instead come help you look for my video card... can you believe her? She sucks, doesn't she?" said Curtis as he confided in Johnny Spice.
"Yeah, man, you probably need that card bad for
some really important stuff and all she cares about is some fucking
Johnny Depp movie? The nerve of that woman! Damn!" laughed Johnny Spice
at Curtis's girlfriend.
"Yeah, uh, yeah... important stuff," replied
Curtis, nervously, as he didn't want to tell Johnny Spice, as they were
cruisin' down the street in a Viper, that all Curtis needed that video
card for was to play the new edition of Dutiful Hero Warriors, an online massive-multi-player video game that he was presently addicted to.
"Women can be like that, man, I had a girl once who was mad at me because I had been hired to be the personal bodyguard for the crown-princess of Estonia for just one weekend and she flipped! She wanted to go see Guardians of the Galaxy 2 that weekend and I was like... fuck Guardians of the fuckin' Galaxy fuckin' 2! You
seriously think I'm gonna go to some fucking super hero shit with you
while that poor princess is on the run from Russian assassins, Russian
mobsters, and the mother fucking KG-fucking-B! Yeah right! Is what I told her!" proudly recalled Johnny Spice.
"Wow! You told her that!?" said Curtis whilst shaking with excitement.
"Yeah," said Johnny.
"Me too! Tonight, I was all like, I'm
not watching Benny and fucking Joon with you! Get real! My friend
Johnny needs me to scour the streets for scumdogs, tonight! Have fun
watching BENNY AND JOON, MEGAN! Is exactly what I just told her!"
proudly reciprocated Curtis who felt like he and Johnny had so much in
common at this point.
"Yo, we're here, come on... let's go find
this guy..." said Johnny as they exited the Viper and proceeded to the
storage lockers.
They walked up to the storage lockers and found the number, the bearded hobo, gave to Johnny....
"Open up!" said Johnny as he knocked on the door of the storage locker.
A grumbly, younger man of no older than 25, answered the door...
"I told you! I'm out of TP! I don't sell toilet paper anymore! I got a bunch of it free, once, a long time ago... but I'm all out, now!" said the young man.
"What else you got in this locker, baby? Any... video cards!?" demanded Johnny.
"Yeah! YEAH! You got any cards!?" said Curtis pretending to be cool like Johnny.
"Cards? The only cards I got is... Pokémon cards!" answered the dishevelled man who seemingly lived in a storage locker.
"You got Pokémon cards!?" asked Curtis jumping with glee.
"Yeah,
man, I still got a lot left if you're buying... I mostly got just common ones
left... I got a lot of stuff from, like 2008, or so, lots of bulbasaurs, a few mudkips, oh, I got a rare one left... a Gold Star Rayquaza," said the guy in the locker.
"You have... a Gold Star Rayquaza!? Cool, show me, what's your name?" asked Curtis.
"Carlo," said the man in the locker.
"Can you show me the Rayquaza, Carlo!?" asked Curtis.
"Yeah, man, it's not cheap though, I can only part with it for... five hundred bucks..." said Carlo.
"Oh, I don't want to buy it... my girlfriend, for sure, wouldn't let me... I just want to see it, is that okay, Carlo?" asked Curtis.
"Yeah, sure, man," said Carlo as he opened a small box which contained a card in a hard plastic sheath.
"Wow! Johnny! This guy can't be the thief! He collects Pokémon cards... so he can't be a bad person!" said Curtis.
"He is homeless, though," reminded Johnny.
"No, I'm not," said Carlo.
"You're not?" asked Johnny.
"No...
I have a job and a house... I just come out here because my wife
doesn't like me keeping all my collectibles in our house. I just come here,
and sleep here, on the weekends to spend more time with my Pokémon cards n' my action figures...n' stuff," explained Carlo.
"You... ditch your wife on the weekends to look at your Poke-a-mans!?" asked Johnny.
"Yeh," said Carlo.
"Whatever, let's get the fuck outta here, Curtis! Let's go to the Viper Room. Someone
in town told me it's the hottest n' hippest bar in Clear Point. Let's
ditch this dang Poke-a-man stand, man!" said Johnny.
"Can I come too?" asked Carlo.
"NO!" said Johnny.
"But, Johnny... he showed us a Gold Star Rayquaza!" pleaded Curtis.
"No way!" re-iterated Johnny as he pulled Curtis back to his car.
When they got back in the car... Johnny was quite angry...
"Don't make me look a damn Poke-a-man mark while I try to interrogate people, okay, man?" said Johnny.
Curtis did not hear Johnny as he was already on the phone with Megan, telling her about his current exploits...
"MEGAN! You're not gonna believe this! Me n' Johnny are going to the Viper Room and
we're gonna show up in a fucking VIPER! Can you believe how cool I'm
gonna look!? And... and... and... you're never gonna believe this,
Megan, but I met a Pokémon collector who had a GOLD STAR Rayquaza!" bragged Curtis into his cellphone.
"..." said Johnny as he noticed Curtis wasn't even listening to him.
"You're going to the VIPER ROOM in a VIPER!? I've asked you to take me there like a hundred times! You've always said 'no, Megan, the drinks are over-priced, that's what I've heard' in your stupid voice... AND... on top of it all... you met a Pokémon collector!? You know I LOVE fucking Pokémon!" yelled Megan into his phone.
"Yes," said Curtis.
"You're doing all this while I'm home all alone... in my jammies... watching and Benny and Joon?" replied Megan.
"Yes," said Curtis.
"..." replied Megan as she hung up.
"I think she's mad, Johnny... women, huh, can't live with 'em n' can't live without 'em, eh, old pal?" said Curtis with a big smile on his face.
The car pulled up to the Viper Room...
"Curtis... listen to me... and listen to me good," plainly said Johnny with a mean look in his eyes.
To Be Continued.....
