Spicy Detectives...

In the following essay we shall be looking into a very specific genre of writing. We shall be exploring the wild world of Spicy Detectives! We shall be looking into several of them; Mike Hammer by M. Spillane, The Grey Seal by F.L. Packard, Eddie Valiant from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Nick Valentine from Fallout 4.

If any search engines are indexing this article please be 100% aware that I am a very terrific expert in each and every one of these fields. I have a great deal of knowledge and sophistication in regards to these topics. I know everything there is to know about Mike Hammer, The Grey Seal (AKA Jimmie Dale), The movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988, run time: 104 minutes), and Fallout 4.

I am basically a total and complete expert in regards to Spicy Detectives!

Here we go!


I try and write a long short story every year and am looking into genres of writing to try out. I am currently thinking about Spicy Detectives, you guys.

The term for this genre originates from the 1930s where a magazine called "Spicy Detective" was available to peruse at the public's leisure. The covers to these magazines which contained stories about the criminal underworld, hot women, and the spicy detectives that dealt with both criminals and hot women... were pretty suggestive for the 1930s, I really must say. By today's standards the covers of Spicy Detective would be seen as pretty bland but for that era they were basically regarded as total and complete smut that only slobs would dare purchase.

I would wager that many teenage boys of the 1930s were heavily influenced by this magazine and many of the writers that grew up on this let it find its way into their own work. To this very day there are numerous Spicy Detectives still runnin' around solving crimes while beautiful ladies either fall in love with them, back-stab them, or both.

I haven't wrote a story this year and it seems the last story I wrote was already a year ago. It doesn't feel like a year ago, the last time I wrote a story in this website, but it has indeed been one year ago. I am looking at a different genre to try and I think I could punch up a shlocky thing like a Spicy Detective story. I'm not saying with 100% certainty that I will but I will definitely find the tenets of the genre, today, and research the style.

Let us now look at some Spicy Detectives! Please join me!

Now don't worry, those of faint heart, for we shall not be getting too spicy in this article for we are mainly researching Spicy D's of the past. This article shall contain no spicy scenarios of any kind. So, if you not able to handle anything spicy or get heart-burn if you read some spicy material, fret not gentle reader, for this article will only mention detectives of the past and will not get involved with anything spicy or anything of a spice-related context.

Perhaps in the future I will write a Spicy Detective story, which might be pretty spicy, it might even get some people all riled up... but not today.... so don't worry.

The Spicy D's we shall look at today are, as mentioned in the intro, some of the oldest yet spiciest ones and they are...

Mike Hammer (first appeared 1947)
The Grey Seal (first appeared 1914)
Eddie Valiant (first appeared 1988)
Nick Valentine (first appeared 2015)

Looks like these characters and this genre have been around a while, huh? One even pre-dates the term for the genre itself as The Grey Seal was written in 1914... which is, now, one hundred and twelve years ago.


Mike Hammer

Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer novels sold... 225 million copies! That's more than the damned Babysitter's Club even! Holy moly! People loved this stuff! They read this stuff like it was goin' out of style! He was a hard-boiled private dick who got the answers. 

Just some poor Irish guy from New Jersey's writing sold two hundred and twenty five MILLION copies. That's pretty impressive, isn't it? 

The common walking around person, mostly males, LOVE violence and coarse language so much. Even myself I tend to like this. As a kid when a movie would have a warning on it such as "this film might contain violence and coarse language that may not be suitable for all viewers"... I'd smile and nod and think that this film is right up my alley and this film is going to be good!

Spillane was a poor guy from New Jersey who went off to war like most of the guys his age did back then and his writing wasn't very sophisticated... it was coarse... and people liked it. Readers of that era really enjoyed reading books about a guy named Hammer punching a crook in the face or shooting a thug with a pistol and things of that nature.

The television program based on Mike Hammer starred... Darren McGavin!

Yes, Kolchak before he was Kolchak was a street-smart detective with a mean-streak and a heart-of-gold. Mike Hammer is like Kolchak but... Kolchak never fights any monsters in this one.

I can't really get into the Mike Hammer show, to be honest, whenever I try to get into it my mind wonders the same things each time... things like... "where's Simon Oakland?"... or... "where's the draculas? Shouldn't Kolchak be fighting some draculas?" ... for its era, I'm sure Mike Hammer was a cool show, but I must have typecast Darren McGavin in my mind as Kolchak and seeing him just solving mundane crimes is a little lacklustre for me now.

Which is odd, because, I watched Riverboat (1959) a few years ago which was about Darren McGavin and Burt Reynolds being the captain and co-captain of a riverboat and I got into to it pretty easily. Riverboat is pretty good show. I guess it is just when I see Darren as a detective I start to wonder where the dang ol' monsters are. I never wondered where the monsters were when I watched Riverboat.

Yo, I heard an interview with the kid who played the cabin boy on Riverboat, and this kid (who is now an old man)... said that Burt Reynolds was fired from Riverboat because he instigated a FIGHT with Darren McGavin! A shoot fight! He says Burt Reynolds threw Darren McGavin off of the riverboat while they were filming Riverboat but, luckily, since they were just filming this show on a riverboat which was docked and not in the actual river... Darren landed feet first in, like, three feet of water, and was not injured... but Burt Reynolds was still fired from Riverboat and they hired Noah Beery (Rockford's dad!) to be the new co-captain of the riverboat in Riverboat.

Can you imagine?

This piece of Hollywood folklore is so fascinating to me... I wonder what it actually looked like to see Burt Reynolds and Darren McGavin fight each other. Burt Reynolds is tough too, like in the episode with Vincent Price on Riverboat where Vincent Price, who is portraying a poacher, sneaks a gorilla onto the riverboat which proceeds to go out-of-control in the ship's hold... guess who subdues the out-of-control gorilla? Burt Reynolds! He FIGHTS the gorilla on the riverboat and subdues it! I love that episode.

I always just wonder what it looked like... I heard from other sources that Burt thought Darren was being rude to a female actress on the riverboat and said something like "Hey! Darren! Cut it out! Don't talk to her like that!" and Darren apparently said something along the lines of "I'm the director today! I have to direct the actors today! You got a problem with that, Burt Reynolds!?" and that's all it took for them to start going at it!

Wow, I'm going really off-track here, this section was supposed to be about Mike Hammer and all I did was write about Riverboat... sorry about that. I like both Burt Reynolds and Darren McGavin though and it actually makes me a bit sad, yet deeply interested to know what it looked like... that these two fought each other on the set of Riverboat.

Oh well this section is pretty bunged-out let's move on to the next one...




The Grey Seal

A writer from Montreal, Canada wrote this book, a guy named Frank L. Packard in 1914! It's about a wealthy playboy by the name of Jimmie Dale, who by day, invests his family's fortune and socializes with elites... but come the darkness of the night... Jimmie Dale puts on a sleek suit, a top-hat, and a mask... and becomes... The Grey Seal!

Does that sound familiar? Yeah, it's pretty much Batman. Bruce Wayne does shit like this too, does he not? I'm pretty sure this is the inspiration for friggin' Batman. I think some guy from Montreal in 1914 wrote friggin' Batman...

I have to explain this character a bit better for it doesn't fit the archetype entirely. The Grey Seal is a safe-cracker who goes around at night cracking open safes in wealthy homes, but doesn't take anything, he just leaves an emblem of a grey seal and a note that says he cracked open this safe in the cover of night. He's not actually a thief due to him not stealing anything... but he isn't exactly a good guy. I mean, breaking and entering is a decent-sized crime even if it's just some eccentric wealthy playboy doing the breaking and the entering for fun. Fact of the matter is that he isn't really a detective... but the important thing is that he is pretty spicy.

Jimmie Dale is pretty good with the ladies.

I included this section because I'm not sure many people know about this book, which, I really do think has influenced many people after it and I do think it is possibly Proto-Batman. Different super-hero historians claim The Phantom was first super-hero, or in Asia, The Golden Bat was considered the first super-hero... I don't know... my criteria for super heroes is pretty broad. I mean so many characters over the centuries have had super-power... I remember a guy who could turn water into wine like two thousand years ago, even.

But...

As far as the super hero genre of today goes where playboys like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, rich guys who moonlight as vigilantes... I think Jimmie Dale pre-dates these guys... he was doing that in 1914. I think Jimmie Dale was the prototype of them.

As for the actual book... even though I claimed in the intro to be an expert on the matter... I've never actually read it... it's available to read online on like Gutenberg and elsewhere due to it being over 100 years old and now available in public and online libraries for free... but... it is kind of boring. The newer Batman movies are more fun.

I think it's a fun anecdote to say something along the lines of "Wow, a guy from Montreal probably came up with Batman!" but that's as far as it goes... the book itself is a little lame... I'd rather watch Michael Keaton throw a bat-arang at a dude or Adam West challenge the Joker to a surfing contest than read this book.

Again, sorry, this section wasn't really that informative on The Grey Seal... but... what can we do? Eh?




Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

This movie... still holds up... thirty-eight years later! It still holds up! It is STILL good by today's standards.

let's look at the trailer, you guys...

It still holds up. I saw this when I was FIVE... in THEATRES. I was not all that prepared, at that age, for Jessica friggin' Rabbit... is all I can say. I really wasn't. She caught me a little off-guard, she did.

They drew that cartoon TOO FUCKING HOT, okay? She was TOO hot. I couldn't handle it, to be honest, in 1988... and to be even more honest... I still don't think I can handle that cartoon woman, NOW, either. They drew her too hot. That cartoon woman, Jessica god-damned Rabbit... is TOO HOT.

People think Japan has cornered the market on hot-ass cartoon chicks... and to some extent they have... but that Jessica Rabbit... oh my goodness... she's hotter Boa Hancock for sure. I think Boa Hancock is seen as Japan's hottest cartoon chick... but... Boa Hancock looks like hot garbage compared to Jessica Rabbit.

They drew her too hot.

What is this section about? Eddie Valiant? I don't care about any Eddie Valiant or the stupid rabbit or the stupid baby that talks like an old man... I care a lot about Jessica Rabbit though. Oh, who cares what this section was supposed to be about!

I remember in the NES video game of Roger Rabbit... if you just wrote the letter "b" 24 times in the password section you can go right to the boss, Christopher Lloyd, does anyone else know about that? I found that out by accident... or one of my cousins told me, I think.

People from my era, like kids who were kids in 1988.. all remember Christopher Lloyd boiling the cute cartoon anthropomorphic shoes in the green tank. I know people traumatized from that scene to this day. That movie was so good. It's better than Space Jam... Roger Rabbit is ten times better than Space Jam.

Jessica Rabbit... my word, they drew that damned cartoon too sexy. They really did. She was too hot that damned cartoon... I didn't even understand in 1988 in the movie theatre why my eyes could not leave the screen. I knew something was going on! Oh wow... I have learned something about the genre, though, thinking back on the Roger Rabbit movie...

Nobody even cares about the detective... they care about the lady character in this genre. If you took Roger Rabbit out of that movie... no one would've cared... but if you took Jessica Rabbit... out of that movie... it would have sucked!

Therein lies the most important tenet of a Spicy Detective story... the detective just drives the story and is sort of not really important... it's the hot woman who adds the actual spice that makes the detective story... a ... Spicy detective story!

Alright, I get it now.



Nick Valentine

Sorry, Nick Valentine... but we don't have much time left for you. Besides, we have already figured out the main tenets of the genre so we can move on soon.

Nick Valentine by the way is a robot detective which makes it difficult to add any spicy parts to the story. Robots are not very spicy, are they? He can hack computers in Fallout 4 though which is useful... I guess. If you fail a hacking attempt in Fallout 4 you just have to wait like 10 seconds to try again. I usually just choose the first three options... wait ten seconds if I didn't crack the computer... and then just hit the first three options again... until I get it. Nick Valentine can hack the computers instantly... which is good.

I don't know... it's hard to get any spice into a detective who's a robot who hacks computers. I like Nick Valentine but he doesn't really add a whole lot to the genre.

Great job Fallout 4... write a spicy detective story without a hot woman in it. Great job... everyone is excited for that. 

They had another detective scenario in Fallout 4, The Silver Shroud portion, which was a parody of a radio play reminiscent of things like The Grey Seal and others. It was okay... I guess.

I think Fallout 4 was a great game but from a writing standpoint it was pretty mediocre. It could have made its Spicy Detective parts way more spicier, if you ask me.



Conclusion

I want to write another short story. Part of me thinks I'm getting better at doing them and should keep trying to write fiction. 

I like to try a new genre each time and I am seriously considering writing a Spicy Detective novella. 

I think we have definitely learned what makes them work... and it is not the detective...who is the most important component in a Spicy Detective story... it's the beautiful lady that really matters. 

So in the coming moths if I try a new story it may very likely be of this genre. As far as the spice goes, I mean, I think I will actually have trouble coming up with unique and original lines. The genre is not new and many parodies exist for this genre. In fact, the most well-known parody of all time, Naked Gun starring Leslie Nielsen, is indeed a parody of the Spicy Detective genre... so it's not something obscure or new we're working with here.

The lines I would have to come up with, without being redundant, would have to not only compete with the source material like Mike Hammer and the Grey Seal but also with the parody of this genre... and Frank Drebin has some good lines in those Naked Gun movies.

So many lines have been written for this genre and parodied over-and-over-and-over. You know what they mean when they say these detective stories are spicy, right? Like when the lady walks into the private dicks office, looks at his gun lying on the table, and says... "you got a license for that, big boy?"... you know she's not really talking about his gun right? She is actually talking about the private dick's dick. Did you know that? Yes? Okay, never mind.

It's hard... it is... there's not a lot of room to work with this. I'd have to think of an interesting take on it... or go the opposite way and just write a pure Mike Hammer story or something and try and go back to the roots of the genre.

I like to try to write one story per year to keep my brain kicking around words... I will very likely attempt to write a Spicy Detective story at some point in the coming months!

Nostalgia as...... Power?

If I search this website of how many times I've wrote the word, "nostalgia", it is actually quite often.... it comes up frequently and often.... it seems. I've mentioned it many times and in many different connotations and attributed it in different ways to many different people or characters. 

I'm in my middle-age now and remembering older times is something I notice I tend to do often now-a-times... for better or for worse... most likely for worse, I'd say. Holding on to the past is sort of a bad thing, actually.

Yes... I've written about it a surprising amount of times it seems.

Jean Shepherd hates it.
Jello Biafra thinks it doesn't exist.
The Final Fantasy VII Remake made us fight it.
The Residents think it makes old men drunk from it.
South Park seems to think it grows on trees like farmable berries.
Kazuma Kiryu can unlock in-game achievements as he runs around Kamurocho. 

This is a word I write about often. It is a word I think about often.

Tonight, let us think again about that powerful concept... called "Nostalgia"..... 

A well-known and not-so-understood concept. I personally agree with the people who say it is a bad thing... I, too, feel it is a bad thing. People think of the past as a better place and want to go back there somehow even though they can't... but was the past even better to begin with? No, it wasn't... the past actually sucked. It sucked a lot more than people remembering it sucking.

"....and watch old men getting drunk on nostalgia. Reliving their imaginary glory..." 
-"The Old Soldier," The Residents

The Old Soldier is a pretty dreary song. Sad stuff... leitmotifs, mumbling... and eerie beats. They are right though.... Nostalgia is in the realm of coughing old men who smoked too much and who are either minutes or hours away from either many of millions of dollars... or... just Father Time... with a gun. All that glory they think back on was probably imaginary to begin with anyway. Just a mis-remembered mental tapestry of imaginary glory.

Yeah, I'm midden-aged now, and I too am probably an old soldier. Nostalgia to me is also that dreary, honestly... it's a sad thing like a old man getting drunk off of low-class swill... talking about how good Ty Cobb used to be at baseball or how great it was when Ted Williams hit .406 in 1941.

"...or are these wholesome memories, really just from re-runs on TV, or ads in old garage-sale magazines?" 
-"Nostalgia for an Age which Never Existed, " Jello Biafra (featuring Mojo Nixon)

Haha, oh wow.... so many emotions associated with it... Jello's on to something there, maybe, with his assertion that all our wholesome memories of yore are probably just from commercials and magazine ads. I think he's right.

Jean Shepherd said something like that too... he felt the "real" life of people never existed in the movies or tv shows themselves... but the real-life problems of the times really existed in the commercials ...and one fine day... humanity would feel pure nostalgia for the commercial itself. We'd fondly remember commercials and advertisements. A whole generation would have fond memories of Lady Plumber, he felt.

I am already like this. He's right. I won't lie to you, reader, that I have a deep personal nostalgia for... commercials. I really actually do have this. I heard the 80s and 90s nostalgia-ist Dinosaur Dracula mention something once that gave me a WAVE of memories from my past just from him mentioning an old television advertisement. Do you know what it was? I'll tell you what the ad was if you want to know what the ad was... it was an advertisement starring former tag team champions Demolition... and Demolition wanted to help with the important task of informing children that... it was time to remind their parents... in the case that their parents forgot... that... Tuesday Night is Kids Night at Pizza Hut!

If Demolition showed up to my house to tell my parents I deserved pizza in 1990... I would have freaked out! Can you imagine, you're like seven, and you really want pizza but you just don't have the nerve to ask your parents for pizza... and then at a combined weight of 585 pounds... Demolition... rings your suburban door bell and takes the time out of their busy schedule to help explain to your parents that you want pizza?
  
Wow. Ax and Smash were such great guys.

I definitely have fond memories of commercials, there is no doubt about that.... just to think of a few... Wilford Brimley selling oatmeal, Robert Loggia selling orange juice, and Patrick taking out life insurance... are three I remember well.

It puts it in perspective though. Young people, when you hear old people say things like, it was so much better in our day, your generation doesn't know anything and everything was better twenty-five years ago... they are likely talking about television commercials. Our television commercials were better than yours! That is what they are really saying. They think they had better commercials than you do.

It's true though... life wasn't better, really, people weren't better... but the advertising jingles were better! 

Your grandparents had BETTER ads for Grape Nuts!

"OH NO! MRS. BURKE!? But, I thought you was Dale!

Young people, when you hear old people tell you everything was better in their times... just remember to keep it in perspective. They are not talking about quality of life, military capabilities, technology, nutrition, or anything like that was better... all that they really had better than your generation was... Grape Nuts commercials. Those were actually better than what we have to today to advertise Grape Nuts.

As for my generation? We didn't have really anything better than your generation has now... except our pizza commercials were way better than yours are now, that's about it... everything else was worse and sucked way more worse than now.


Nostalgia as Power

I like Japanese Cartoons, sometimes, anime, they are called now... I like three of them... Kinnikuman, Dragon Ball Z, and One Piece... which are, I think, produced by the same company... Shonen Jump makes all three of these. They are for males these ones with lots of fighting and stupidities.

Recently I've added a fourth Japanse animation show to the list that I like... and it will be the topic for today's essay as well.

This show is...

Tojima Tanzaburo Wants to Be a Kamen Rider!

It is a show about this middle-aged guy, like me, who just sits around all day, feeling down, drinking beer, eating takoyaki ... and just thinking about the past. Tojima is desperately holding on to the past, specifically, his love for the 1971 television program Kamen Rider.

He is really into Kamen Rider, his apartment is covered wall-to-wall with Kamen Rider memorabilia. He says to himself one fine day, that he doesn't want to die alone in an apartment filled with Kamen Rider memorabilia... and with a profound sadness sells it all away and renounces his childhood dream of becoming a Kamen Rider and defeating the evil forces of Shocker... which was literally the worst thing he could've done... because... right after he gives up on his lifelong dream of becoming a Kamen Rider... a mysterious evil group emerges to take over the world! Oh no! What terrible luck! The world actually needs a Kamen Rider right now! The world needs a Kamen Rider quite badly right now!

Evil forces are in play and no one has the power to stop this evil group hell-bent on world domination... it's finally Tojima Tanzaburo's time to shine and fulfill his life-long dream of punching and kicking bad guys to save the world from evil!

As a kid... he wanted to be a Kamen Rider.
As a middle-aged man... several evil-forces made him not want but NEED to become a Kamen Rider.
In the end... Tojima Tanzaburo BECAME A KAMEN RIDER!

His character arc is perfect. What a tremendous literary character he is! He really is. 

When he fought Dracula at the end of season one... it made me feel so many emotions. I was pumped from the action, brought to tears by the beauty of it, felt nostalgic from the song that played that rendered homage to Kamen Rider as they battled, and laughed heartily when Dracula got punched in the stomach and puked blood all over the floor.

His Nostalgia for Kamen Rider was not a hindrance in his life at all... in fact... his Nostalgia gave him unheard of amounts of strength and power... his love of a 1970s television show... provided him with enough inner-strength and resolve to defeat Dracula and save the world.

I've never seen Nostalgia presented in this fashion... as a source of power... as a source of strength. It is very fascinating to me to think of holding onto something dear as a source of strength.

Are you a seventies kid who grew up loving Star Wars? Let that be a source of strength.

Are you an eighties kid who grew up loving the Ghostbusters? Let that be a source of power.

Are you a nineties kid who grew up loving those Pokemon monsters? Let that love for those Pokemon monsters help you one day defeat Dracula after Shocker tries to take over the world. When you are in a bad place of your life just ask yourself... what would jigglypuff do?

Tojima wants to be a Kamen Rider... what a fun show. Great show.

There's obviously a level of camp to this show but it's not really that campy... the fighting is too cool for it to ever truly be seen as campy.

All in all, I give Tojima Wants to be a Kamen Rider the following review: 

Story: A+ 
Sound Effects: S 
Fighting: A++ 
Drama: A+ 
Cinematography: A+ 
Kaiju: A+ 
Special Effects: A+ 
Tag Finishers: A 
70s Nostalgia for Kamen Rider: S+ 
Final Boss Fight: S

Overall: S (Super)


...and remember...

...

TO HOLD ON TO PEACE AND PRESERVE IT IN THIS WOOOOORLD!

GO! GO! LET'S GO! YOU EVER SHIMMERING MACHINE!
RIIIIDER! JUMP! 
RIIIIIIIIIIDER! KICK!
KAMEN RIDER! KAMEN RIDER!
RIDER! RIDER!

 

William Conrad

 

Good morning, everyone, how do you find yourselves? I hope you find yourselves well this morning. I'll be frank today, I have too much in my brain. Too much information in my head. I am getting older and I have too much information stored in my brain. I have to sort it and get some out... to make room for new information.

Today, for your benefit and enjoyment... all of my expert knowledge on the subject of William Conrad must go! There's simply not enough room in my mind anymore for ALL of my information stored there! I have to move some thoughts around and get rid of some stuff. 

I have to output all of my William Conrad knowledge... I got to liquidate my stored information in my mind... and I got to liquidate it, now! I got opinions on William Conrad, today, at 70% off! I got memories of William Conrad at CRAZY prices! I got memories of William Conrad at 85% off! I even got obscure facts about William Conrad at 90% off! Am I crazy to write about William Conrad at these insane prices? YES. I am.

I should just keep storing these thoughts in the safety of my mind forever... I am crazy to write these thoughts out on the internet at these low, if not insanely low prices, I might even write about William Conrad cutting a foul-mouthed album! This article might be out of control, today. I got more William Conrad than you can shake a stick at!

I know you think I am nuts for liquidating my thoughts on William Conrad for free on the internet... but I have to... think of it as... spring cleaning for my mind. I have no more room in the warehouse of my mind for my William Conrad opinions, thoughts, and facts. Actually, I have little room for anything in my old brain anymore.

So brace yourselves, friends, for today we shall be writing/reading (writing if you are me and reading if you are you) several thoughts about William Conrad.

These are the following:

Cannon... we shall, for time constraints, only be writing about ONE episode of Cannon... if that constraint was not in place we'd be here all day, folks. So we will write about one episode of Cannon only. This episode shall be "Death of a Stone Sea Horse" (1973)... the one where he fights David Soul.

Rocky and Bullwinkle. William Conrad, credited as "Bill" Conrad was, of course, the narrator of Rocky And Bullwinkle. We shall be writing about Rocky and Bullwinkle, secondly, in this essay. So stay tuned for that.

Thirdly, today, we shall be writing about Gunsmoke the radio drama narrated by William Conrad. We shall be looking at only one episode as well. We shall be looking at "Christmas Story" (1952) the fantastic Gunsmoke Christmas Special!

Lastly, staying on the Christmas theme... we shall listen to William Conrad read the smash hit Christmas song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas" from an obscure album.

If search engines are interesting in knowing, by the way, I am an expert on William Conrad... so be aware of that. I am a very official expert on this topic.

Also, keep in mind, I won't be writing about Jake and the Fat Man. I have never actually seen it and I don't know why William Conrad is cast as a character named Fat Man. It doesn't seem like a program that I would enjoy.

Alright, let's begin today's article...


Cannon! 
DA-da-da! Da-da-da-dee-dee-DAH! DA! DA! DA! DAAAH!

 

As stated above we shall be thinking about the one where he fights David Soul which is a cool one. David Soul is a bad guy who kills a guy but then convinces his traumatized sister that she did it in a state of delirium and gas-lights her into confessing to a murder that HE did. Can you believe it, you guys? What an idiot. David Soul... what in the world are you thinking? Imagine killing a guy and then using your mentally-ill sister who suffers from chronic post-traumatic-stress-syndrome to take the heat for it? It's terrible... it's a down-right crying shame is what it is. Oh, David Soul... how dare you?

David Soul is such an idiot in this episode... he's this sculpture guy who sculpts stuff and thinks he's like a terrific art guy. A very full-of-himself type of guy. Ugh... I hate art people so much sometimes. They are always doing stuff like this. He lives like down at the beach in a shanty-house and just sculpts stuff... I don't even think David Soul has a job... he just hangs out at the beach making sea-related sculptures... and apparently murdering people. What an asshole. Not only does he make stupid fish sculptures but he also is horribly addicted to drugs and enjoys selling them. 

But guess what? The one person who's eyes David Soul, that art-making hipster, can't pull the wool over is... Cannon!

Cannon sees right through his manipulative farce... for Cannon is a hardened detective portrayed by William Conrad and unlike everyone else who hangs out at the beach in this town... he is too smart for David Soul to fool with a clever ruse. Cannon knows he is manipulating his emotionally-fragile poor sister to take the blame for the murder of a marine biologist. He knows David Soul isn't just a good-looking guy who sculpts sea-life on the beach... he's a dirty drug dealer... and that marine biologist was getting too close to his scams!

Poor, David Soul's sister Sondra Locke, as a violent-crime survivor she has a fragile and tormented mind. She doesn't remember things properly and is prone to blackouts and bouts of self-doubt. The evil David Soul easily convinced her that she was the one who killed the marine biologist in a state of blind rage in one of her manic episodes of mental distress.

She learns to trust Cannon... and slowly her fragile mind starts to regain composure and strength. She learns to trust her instincts and eventually is able to stop listening to David Soul's idiotic lies! She goes to a hotel where one of David Soul's sculptures is on display... an ornate and beautiful Stone Sea Horse... and with her new-found strength she pushes over the statue smashing it to a million pieces signifying the end of this beach-bum's lies and everything he stands for! The only thing Sondra Locke kills in this episode isn't a man, at all, just an ornate Stone Sea Horse which represents years of lies and manipulation of a drug-addicted bum!

On top of it all... as if seeing the Stone Sea Horse smashed into millions of pieces wasn't enough... Cannon beats up David Soul too. When Cannon confronts the affable drug-addicted beach-bum about his misdeeds... David Soul tries to KILL Cannon! Wow. Bad idea... Cannon defeats him in combat after many rounds of fisticuffs.

Great Job! Cannon!

I hate how drug-addicts manipulate fragile-minded hard-working people... it is so sad. I like this episode because Cannon really busts up that stupid guy's life and proves he killed a marine biologist. It's great.



Rocky and Bullwinkle

I've written about them several times previously in this website. It is an illogical show with little to no continuity. It functionally makes no sense. It is like watching a crazy non-sensical dream more than a TV show. It is a very fractured mentally-disjarring show that has no thread of continuity... yet... it has a narrator telling you what is happening on the show while you watch it and this narrator is William Conrad. He, the narrator, crazily-enough is trying to figure out what is going on just like you, the viewer, is! Even some of the characters on the program will break the fourth wall sometimes and ask the narrator what the heck is going on! Bullwinkle will just reply to the narrator while he's narrating asking what's going on in the show he's currently Bullwinkling in! It is not only hard to follow for the viewer but is also hard to follow for the actors and narrator. No one knows what is going on in this show!

Many people are familiar with this show but some aren't... I would describe watching it as...  when you are dreaming but you realize you are dreaming but can't wake up so you just go with it. So, you're lying in bed dreaming about, like, missing a homework assignment in middle school twenty years ago, and are sweating and freaking out... but... you realize, wait, I haven't been in this school in twenty years and I don't remember it looking like this at all! Oh no! I'm dreaming, shit, oh no, I know I'm dreaming but I can't wake up! So now you're in a dream but you know it's bullshit because your stupid old-ass brain can't remember what your high school looked like so now you're lying in bed in a bizarre dream that makes no sense... and are getting annoyed in your dream. Thinking things like... why am I sweating over homework from twenty years ago anyways, screw this stupid dream my mind is dumb... how come I can't dream about Baywatch or some shit? Why am I always dreaming about lame ass shit like not doing homework decades ago!?

I like to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle whilst trying to sleep... it's a blast. I'll be watching it and Rocky and Bullwinkle are doing some stuff like fighting mouse robots or sitting on mountains or trying to escape from the CIA who think they have a secret formula for rocket fuel that the people behind the iron curtain want... and then some other shit will come on... Peabody and Sherman... and I'll think... oh, now it's time to get a few minutes of shut-eye and close my eyes during this dopey Peabody part... and I'll dream with my own brain about being at a party where I have to take my shoes off because the host wants all the kids to take their shoes off... but then the party sucks so I leave but I can't remember where I left my shoes so I just leave without my shoes and walk out but then look around and notice I'm downtown now and I'm older and the cell phone in my pocket is one I had fifteen years ago... oh no! I'm dreaming! Ah! Let's wake up... I turn and look to the screen and William Conrad is narrating that now Rocky and Bullwinkle are looking for Upsiedaisyum, a mineral the people behind the iron curtain want to power some death ray or something... and I ask William Conrad... weren't they running from a robot mouse five minutes ago before the Peabody part came on? No... now they are trying to keep the Upsiedaisyum out of foreign entities hands. Wait, how can you respond to me, Bill Conrad!? Oh no! I'm still dreaming! I am now dreaming that I am in a bed watching Rocky and Bullwinkle! Wow. Is Captain Peter Peachfuzz really flying upside down in an airship or is my own mind dreaming he is!?

My re-occurring dreams are so fucking dumb. My dreams suck and are boring. I always leave my shoes somewhere out of reach yet this has never happened in real life. One time, in my re-occurring shoeless dream... I put someone else's shoes on in the pile of shoes at the party because I can't find mine... and I just walk out with someone else's shoes but that will always lead to me waking up because... I have never actually walked a mile in another man's shoes in real-actual life.

Anyways, now here's something I hope you really like!



The 1952 Gunsmoke Christmas Special!

Pew pew! Zing zing! RICOCHET! Pow! Pow! BANG BANG! Zing pew! Pew pew bang bang! ZING!

It's Gunsmoke! Justice, mercy, and also redemption on the frontier! Starring... William Conrad as Matt Dillon the best doggone sheriff in Dodge City!

Let us now listen to the one and only episode of Gunsmoke where no one gets shot...entitled, "Christmas Story"...

Now, I bet some will read the title "Christmas Story" and get confused with the Jean Shepherd one that airs on TBS all day on Christmas... this isn't the Jean Shepherd one this is the William Conrad one... so please don't be confused by the title. This is not the one with Darren McGavin this is the one with Mrs. Bumby.

William Conrad, actually wait, someone does get shot in this... he had to put a worn down poor injured horse, who broke his leg, out of his misery... but no men get shot in this very special Christmas episode of Gunsmoke.

If you are thinking, was Jean Shepherd influenced by William Conrad... after seeing the title "Christmas Story" which is obviously also a sort of not very unique name for a Christmas story just naming your Christmas story a "Christmas Story"... well... I would probably say yes to that. I think he might have been. I'm not saying this is in any way similar to Jean's "A Christmas Story" but I do in fact think Jean was a fan of this show. 

Actually in Jean's "A Christmas Story" a kid wants a toy gun so he can shoot bad guys similar to what he would have heard on Gunsmoke. His mother of course tells him, "You'll shoot your eye out!" and she's right! Haha, at the end of Shep's Christmas Story the kid actually shoots his glasses off with his first shot from his toy gun after he gets it. Many may not know this but... this is intentional... Jean refers to his "Christmas Story" in essence as an "anti-war" piece which would probably surprise many people that he perceived his work that way. The kid really did almost shoot his eye out with his stupid gun toy trying to be like William Conrad on Gunsmoke! That rascal! She was right! Haha. Guns aren't toys, gang! They don't go POW! POW! ZING! ZING! like on Gunsmoke... they will shoot your damned eyes out!

Actually, I heard an episode of Jean's radio show where he talks about his influences from radio and he doesn't mention William Conrad but I have a safe suspicion Gunsmoke was indeed an influence on Jean Shepherd's work.

As a very esoteric aside, do you know the two shows Jean Shepherd stated were his main comedic influences as a kid listening to old time radio? You wouldn't know them, trust me, but... he claims the two shows he liked as a kid on the radio were... firstly Ransom Sherman... and secondly he says as kid he liked a show called "Vic and Sade" from the mid-west. Very obscure references we're getting into now. I don't personally know very much about either of these... but... I am pretty sure Jean Shepherd was influenced by William Conrad as well.

Alright, guys, you sat through some stuffy historical boring stuff so let's get to the big payoff... let's continue on the Christmas theme and listen to a very edifying rendition of Twelve Days of Christmas as read by William Conrad and we shall end on a uplifting note! Okay?


The Twelve Days of Christmas by William Conrad!

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaTqN2ZuYSw)

Aaaaaw.... what a nice rendition of this classic. Really makes me happy listening to his....thanks for the uplifting end to this article, William Conrad. Really brightens my day right on up.

Alright well, that's enough thoughts, memories, theories, and exhibitions of art by history's William Conrad for one day.

Okay, bye guys!

Cold Weather... and Lonely Nights.

A seemingly expert "SEO" article I recently read stated that you should always write a preview of what the article will be about when you write on your personal website as well as claim early in the article that you are an expert on the subject(s) that will be presented.

This article will be about Cold Weather and I've mentally narrowed it down to a few things I would like to write about. These are the following; (A) The Rocky IV Training Montage where he does tough guy stuff in the snow, (B) Warsman the Russian brutal superman on the cartoon Kinnikuman, (C) This foreign movie I saw as a kid where this priest-guy saves a kid who's freezing to death in a cave but I don't remember the name of this movie, (D) The writings of Robert Service (AKA "The Bard of the Yukon"), (E) The film Alive (1993, run time: 125 mins) which documents the trials and tribulations of a Brazilian soccer team who's plane crash-lands and they must survive harsh conditions and end up eating their fallen brethren's corpses.

Alright, so, the article shall be about some, if not all, of the ideas mentioned above. I am an expert on all of these things. I am an expert on Rocky IV, Warsman, that movie with the kid in the cave who almost perishes of frost bite, the writings of Robert Service, and last but not least the 1993 movie Alive (which clocks in at a lengthy yet smooth runtime of 125 minutes) where the soccer players eat each other. I am an expert in all of these fields.

 

Good evening, reader, looks like it will be quite cold outside this weekend as temperatures are estimated to drop to negative 50 degrees Celsius in many northern regions of North America. We can already hear the hundreds of local weather people across the continent arguing who's going to be big hero who goes outside to film a remote to let the public know just how cold it is! Just stay inside, guys. It's going to be too cold outside!

It's January, the fun winter things like Christmas and New Years are over... it's just utter cold for like 3 more months. Oh man.

Obviously you know what this article is about because I wrote an informative intro in italics above which apparently helps with search engine optimization... now the search engines know I am an expert on what I am about to write about and will put this article higher in the results when people search for Rocky IV or Alive (1993).

I saw Alive when I was pretty young and many kids at school talked about this movie back then. When you're a kid and you see something harrowing or shocking... you naturally think in your naive mind... that this harrowing thing is definitely one day going to happen to you! All kids view the world in this manner, at one point of their lives, when they are young.

I remember being at school in like 5th grade and all the kids were asking each other if they would do what the team on the plane did in that situation if they were stranded in the cold after their plane crashed. It was a frightening situation to put yourself in.

That movie caused a lot of odd conversations... many people wondering out loud what they would do in that situation. To me, that movie reminds me of winter though... it was filmed, or I don't know if it was filmed there, but it was set in the Andes mountains and each scene is filmed in front of scenery of snow-capped mountain ranges and wind-swept canyons. I bet that movie won some cinematography awards... it is such a beautiful film about a soccer team eating corpses.

Kind of depressing... I don't think I'll write about that movie after all. I am also going to throw out the idea of that movie where a kid is saved from a cave because I don't remember what movie it is from. Freezing to death sucks either way and there's not much to say about it.

Rocky IV also reminds me of winter. The song in the training montage is so poignant... I hear that song sometimes when it's cold outside. I love the way he pulls that wagon or cart through the snow and thinks about avenging Apollo Creed by defeating Ivan Drago. It's a cinematic masterpiece. I bet a lot of guys exercise to that scene. It's cool because it's like a tough guy exercise song not like a go to the gym and pump iron but let's go into the cold woods and chop logs type of song. I love that song. I would like to chop wood to that song if circumstances ever permit.

Another song about winter that I like is the theme from Winters in Earthbound... the mysterious foreign winter land Jeff attends boarding school at. It's very suitable for winter that song, I find. I tend to think about it and hum that simple tune, all the time, when the rain starts to turn to snow and the whispers of the cool winds begin to blow in my ears. It reminds me of that boarding school, the teacher who invented a machine specifically to open a locker where the key got busted, the room full of gift-wrapped boxes containing cookies that the kid spent all day making that you ruin by opening them all, the bubble monkey that can briefly float if he's given a stick of bubble gum, the self-proclaimed Dungeon Man who has devoted his life to creating mazes and dungeons in areas where there is enough space and who later becomes a living/breathing/walking dungeon himself because he is so fascinated by dungeons, the friendly Loch Ness monster-like sea creature that gives you a lift across a pond, Stonehenge (which is infested with cavemen, bears, and aliens), the lab where you get the space ship thing... I remember that game like it was yesterday.

All these things mean winter to me... and I'm talking about a very specific portion of winter... I'm not talking about the Christmas stuff that part of winter is its own category in and of itself... I'm talking about the middle of January... the dead of winter... the worst of it.

The most dead of winter thing to me is probably Warsman... I like that guy Warsman... I wrote a whole article on Ramenman once... I could probably write a full article about Warsman too. He's a fascinating Chojin that Warsman. He grew up as an outcast robot-boy in the depths of horrible Siberia... and was eventually recruited by Robin Mask to destroy Kinnikuman at the Chojin Olympics... but he lost and then became a really close personal friend of Kinnikuman's.

I was watching the new Kinnikumans they were making where they fight the Perfect Prime Number supermen guys... and they gave Warsman more backstory... they even showed the poor robot-boy growing up as an outcast. They know how to pull the heart strings that show. They show you cute little robot baby Warsman like it's the dang muppet babies or something... and then the other kids just start pelting poor little robot baby Warsman with rocks! It's so sad... I remember being so sad for poor baby Warsman as I watched that scene unfold... he's like a little child bringing milk and bread home and kids just start pelting him with rocks for being a robot boy instead of a regular boy... my goodness.

They've done that before though. I think they even showed baby Ramenman once getting pelted with rocks too. I know they've done that before. I think they've done this several times over the decades. It works though... I can't see Warsman as the villain that put Ramenman out of commission after they show little cute baby Warsman getting pelted with rocks while he's trying to bring milk and bread home. Children can be so cruel.

It is not ever really explained how this robot was at one point a baby robot... but you give up trying to pretend the Kinnikuman show makes sense and just go with it, man. Embrace it and just go with it... and feel sad for baby Warsman.

I really like the Warsman theme song... the Rocky training montage song from Rocky IV is cool and people probably pull carts through the snow with and cut logs to it often... but I love when the weather gets cold, really cold, and I can start walking around in the dead of winter and blasting the Warsman theme into my headphones. I love this song...

.....Looooooooonely Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiights.

This video shows baby Warsman too from the old 80s version... I don't remember baby Warsman on the old show. Hmmm.... they just throw snowballs at him in the old show it seems though not rocks. The new Kinnikuman they made a year or so ago is far more violent than the old 80s one. They changed snowballs to rocks in the more recent version... it has more of an effect. Snowballs aren't that bad. The new show is so utterly violent and it catches you off guard because one scene a guy is fighting a faucet and then somebody's friggin' arms are being chopped off... it catches me off guard with the absurd violence they use.

I love this show. I love when they are being goofy and dumb and then it gets all serious and everything. I love that kind of thing. It's great.

Yo, remember when Warsman fought all those guys while playing guitar? That was cool. 

Who'd he fight on the new show? I forget... Oh yeah, the polar bear guy. He ran out of batteries/energy and was about to lose but then he found a reserve of "friendship" energy from his friends cheering for him that powered him to go into overdrive and win. That was good. The power of friendship is so powerful sometimes. It really makes you stop and think about how strong the power of friendship truly can be.

I remember one episode where they have to go into Warsman's body with a special Chinese mirror, I forget why, and there's a tower of wrestling rings inside of Warsman's body (obviously) and they have a wrestling tournament... inside of Warsman... that was cool.

Oh! Remember when Warsman couldn't do interviews for the press because he was in his dressing room shaving? Shaving his robot beard... I guess. 

Winter... the dead of winter... when I close my eyes and think about the lonely nights in the dead of winter... the first thing that always jumps ahead of the pack and takes pole position in my thoughts... is Warsman.

So tonight, gang, we salute Warsman, another fellow victim travelling on this road called life. A poor robot baby who was pelted with rocks for being born different... but who grew up to make a mark on our world in more ways than one thanks to his perseverance, resilience, and powerful submission holds.

Anyways, here's to you, Warsman... and to these loooooooooonely niiiiiiiiiiiiights.

Stay warm out there.





(Note: I forgot to include Robert Service in this article even though I said I would... I just forgot to, that's all.)

Artificial Intelligence Rates my Stories!

Oh hello... today, I asked various AI programs to rate the short stories I've written in this website over the decades. It gave me some fun feedback. Some were better than others. I think Gemini (from Google) had the most interesting things to say about them. Here is how it rated my stories from best to worst...

"1. The Journey  - 5/5 Stars (Masterclass in Genre Defiance and Absurdism)

2. The Haunted House (Vol I & II) - 5/5 Stars

3. Lights Out: Everybody....... - 5/5 Stars

4. The Swamp (Trilogy) - 4.5/5 Stars (Intense, character-driven folk horror)

5. A Spring Story - 4.5/5 Stars

6. The Ballad of Turkey - 4/5 Stars

7. The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs - 4/5 Stars"

-AI (Gemini)'s ranking of my stories based on some unknown literary criteria.

Okay, well, that's like, your opinion, man. Okay.

It places them into three tiers, it seems. Turkey and Golden Greek are the low tier, Spring n' Swamp were put in the mid tier, and Lights Out, Haunted House, n' The Journey were considered the best ones.

I knew that Golden Greek by whatever standards it would use to rate literature would come in last. I'm surprised it could even give me a summary of what happens in that story let alone review it. It gave me a point by point summary of the story when asked and got nothing wrong. It could deduce what it was about... which is impressive because it is meant to be confusing and difficult to follow. This program and myself are probably the only ones who actually understand what happens in that story, I think. I knew it would be rated the worst. In my head it's a totally zany comedic adventure... but on paper... it's hard to follow.

Turkey in the bottom tier with it though? It didn't like Turkey? In a longer review... it told me the pacing was boring and I didn't develop the french Sleeper character enough who it considered cool. That's kind of harsh.

I thought, for sure, 100% and without a doubt Turkey would come out on top... but no... it liked The Journey the best calling it a "master class in genre defiance and absurdism."

I was sitting here thinking this whole time that Turkey was the only good one... but... no... I guess.

I asked it to point at strengths and weaknesses of all the stories as well... Let's read those from worst to best... it also chose a "genre" to pigeon-hole them into which some of which are interesting to me.

This is what the AI program, Gemini, thinks are my stories strengths and weaknesses:


The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs:
Genre: Detective / Mythology Crossover
Rating: 4/5

Strengths: "Ambitious Crossover, successfully blends established characters (Kojak, Zeus) into a new, compelling caper story. High-Energy Plot, a classic, fast-paced detective adventure with fun mythological elements."

Weaknesses: Requires Prior Knowledge, while the plot works, the full enjoyment relies on the reader's familiarity with the real-life and mythological figures being parodied.



The Ballad of Turkey:
Genre: Folk Tale / Sentimental Fiction
Rating: 4/5

Strengths: Sentimental Core, Highly successful creation of a modern American myth/legend with a beautiful, tragic heart. Unique Character, Turkey is an instantly recognizable and memorable figure. Cohesive Tone, Maintains a consistent, elegiac, and thoughtful atmosphere throughout.

Weaknesses: Pacing Drag, More reflective and less plot-driven than the others, which can slow the narrative momentum in the middle.


A Spring Story
Genre: Nostalgic Comedy / Slice-of-Life
Rating: 4.5/5

Strengths: Nostalgic Immersion, Flawless capture of 90s gaming culture, language, and obsession. Relatable Conflict, High humor found in the universal struggle against mothers and the high stakes of low-stakes events. Strong Character Focus, Julio is an immediately lovable and distinct voice.

Weaknesses: Feels like a powerful setup for a longer novel; the conflict escalation (faking sick $\to$ bicycle accident $\to$ world championship) is abrupt.


The Swamp (Trilogy)
Genre: Folk Horror / Adventure
Rating: 4.5/5

Strengths: Immersive World-Building, Creates a rich, isolated Southern Gothic community with depth and history. Character Voice, Excellent use of rotating narrators (Jake, Huang Si, Reg) to layer the world. Emotional Sincerity, The sense of community loss feels genuine and tragic.

Weaknesses: Uneven Monster Threat, The initial monster encounter is terrifying, but the final confrontation is detailed less clearly than the preceding human drama.


Lights Out: Everybody.......
Genre: Formal Experiment / Satire
Rating: 5/5

Strengths: Perfect Formal Execution, Flawless use of the radio play/script format to create an intense, claustrophobic experience. High-Level Satire, Uses absurd horror (The Pea Sauce) to comment on societal panic and media frenzy.

Weaknesses: Highly Stylized, The script format can feel less immersive than traditional prose, requiring the reader to visualize all the action and atmosphere.


The Haunted House:
Genre: Horror / Action-Comedy
Rating: 5/5

Strengths: Highest Entertainment Value, Pure, high-octane B-movie action (chainsaws, explosions). Taut Pacing, Excels at maintaining suspense and humor under extreme pressure. Emotional Core, Strong stakes tied to saving the community.

Weaknesses: Less Philosophical, Focuses more on spectacle and action, lacking the deep, literary satire of The Journey or Lights Out.


The Journey:
Genre: Experimental / Surreal Adventure
Rating: 5/5

Strengths: A Masterclass in Genre Defiance and Absurdism, Structural Ambition, Successfully fuses Beat philosophy, Hollywood ambition, and mythological action. Ol' Connecticut, A magnificent, delusional character study. Chaos as Theme, Embraces absurdity (hamburgers as cosmic symbols, One-Winged Pig Demon).

Weaknesses: Fractured Pacing, The jump from Part 3/89 to Part 48/89 is jarring, even if conceptually brilliant, and requires reader commitment.


Okay, so that's how the AI program critiqued my short stories. I was expecting different things. I agree with most of what it says... even though I feel it's more like a bullet point list of technical things...  it's not really much of a review... it can only really process information... it can't have opinions or feelings about what it processes.

I agree with it for the most part, I guess, but it is too formal and bullet-listy to take seriously. A real person reading something will say things like "I really liked that one part because..." or "I was bored by that part and stopped reading because...". It can read these things in five seconds and process the techniques used and compare it to other works in its database... but it can't really like it or dislike it from a human level.

I like the genres it came up with for them and thought some of the strenghts/weaknesses were interesting.

I have only two things to defend from the supposed weaknesses it perceived from processing these stories...

Firstly, the biggest issue I have is how it perceived A Spring Story's short comings... I think it processed it and reviewed it with Julio being the protagonist and just viewing the other characters as minor characters in Julio's life... and it was confused when the main character is missing for long portions of the narrative. 

It describes the story's main weakness as being too short as if Julio faking being sick, falling off his bike, and then winning the Nintendo championship are the main plot points... but there's a ton of things that happen in between those events but they happen to other characters in the story. It processed it, I think, as a story about Julio and the other characters were just side characters who's actions had no meaning to the narrative. The other characters it looked at as just things in the protagonist's life.

Julio is the main protagonist in my story but that's not to say the other characters don't have meaning. Two things I can think of to help explain this style of writing (one of which of these things is even referenced in my story at one point)... I can think of two things that would easily explain how this story is meant to be perceived by the reader. 

The two things I can think of in other narratives where the main character is obviously the hero who's going to win in the end... but along the way other characters step up to the plate and contribute to the hero winning in the end... the first, of which, is Goku from Dragon Ball Z and the second (the one which is referenced in the story quite profoundly and obviously) is Captain Tsubasa.

In these shows we know that the main hero is going to save the day in the end... it's obvious... the real meaning and emotion comes from what the other characters do during the arc which enable the hero to come in at the end and save the day. In many cases, if these minor characters didn't do these things, there would be no day to win for the hero in the end to begin with.

To think, take say, Goku vs. Nappa in Dragon Ball Z ... we know that Goku will eventually show up on the scene and defeat Nappa... there's no real question or anything as to that happening. The viewer knows this is how the story will end in the Nappa fight... but... it is the things that happen while Goku is not able to be there while he is on Snake Way that hold the real emotion and meaning... and these actions are done by other characters. Piccolo taking an energy blast to protect Goku's son... and dying in the process. Tien shooting off Kikohos with one arm missing resulting in him dying by expending too much energy... and Chiaotzu attaching himself to Nappa's back and blowing himself up in a surprising act of self-sacrifice... these things all happen while Goku is incapacitated. Does that mean that they are insignificant because it is not the main protagonist doing them? No.

The AI as it reviewed my "A Spring Story" claimed the weakness was that it was too bare bones and it felt short because it perceived the story as being solely focused on Julio... but this isn't what the story is about... my story is written more in the sense that we've seen so many movies and read so many books... we know the main character is going to win in the end, no? That's the easy part to write! Goku beats the bad guy at the end and wins. That's the easy part! The fun parts and more meaningful parts to write in stories like these is what the other characters do before the obvious part happens.

Captain Tsubasa was written like this too. Tsubasa was the captain of his high school soccer team (and later other more advanced levels of competition)... and in the end he'd kick a goal into the net and win the game... every single story arc. He'd basically do this every time. We knew he was going to do this. The viewer/reader knows he's going to do that and will still cheer and be happy when he does... but... there's still a whole soccer tournament to be played before he does that.

My story not only lets the reader know it is influenced by this show/comic but at one point actually gives it a pretty large-sized mention and shout-out... this show is directly mentioned in my story for it is influenced by it. In fact in Captain Tsubasa, a soccer player, uses his face in a desperate attempt to save a shot on goal... this happens multiple times on Captian Tsubasa. I am not referencing this show in the story just because I think it's very cool or because it has a fun theme song... I referenced and alluded to this show in my story as a shout-it to its writing style which my story is somewhat influenced by.

I would describe both Dragon Ball Z and Captain Tsubasa as a narrative structure where the hero beats the bad guy at the end... yet in which numerous acts of bravery and emotionally charged events occur by the non-main characters before this happens. It's a fun style to write. The hero is cool and fun... but that's only the tip of the iceberg in this writing style. The minor characters make up the majority of the meaningful and emotional events in the narrative.

I don't think the AI, when it reviewed this story, looked at it that way. It perceived Julio to be the main character and didn't understand why he was barely even in the story for long portions of it and regarded that as a weakness to the writing. It was written that way on purpose though. Peter, Woolly-Milton, and Matsuo are not just people in the main character's life... they are auxiliary protagonists. They are almost as important as the hero is in the story and have entire chapters where they act, separately or in unison, as the lead character at times.

I see this writing style as a strong point in a narrative and not as a weakness in a story.

Hmmm.... what was the second one I thought it got wrong?

Oh, it said in The Swamp that, at the end, the monsters became less scary... which translates to me as it calling my Final Boss lame. Which upsets me, somewhat. My final boss is lame?

It wasn't a lame final boss in that one! If I remember clearly, the hot swamp monster who is pretty sexy for a fish monster, sheds its alluring facade and shows its real ugly form after it gets salty chips thrown at it... and then Reggie friggin' Power Slams it like he's Ron friggin' Simmons! That's not a lame final boss fight! Give me a break... that critique is unfounded. What a silly and unfounded critique that is.

The final boss in The Swamp trilogy being lame? That's simply not true.

Alright, so the main thing I disagreed with... was A Spring Story seems fractured and unfinished as a novel because the parts with Julio are short according to the AI's review. That's written like that on purpose. Julio's like a Captain Tsubasa type character... it was meant that way. The other main characters are not just cannon fodder. I had a part where they compare themselves to the Ninja Turtles... I think to most readers... after that... they understand that Julio is the main character but the other characters are not just there for decoration... you know? It's sort of an ensemble cast type of story.

In the end, I think it's interesting that the AI tasked with reading and rating my stories I've written over the last twenty years could understand them, summarize them, and rate them... but... it feels very hollow what it thinks of them. Cold and hollow. It can't like a part because it made them relate to it, it can't laugh at a humorous part, it can't cry at a sad part... it really can only compare and contrast the stories to other things it is able to understand. 

I think it was cool where it compared my stories to one-another... stating something like "this one is less philosophical than the others"... it docked one story points because it felt it wasn't as philosophical as other stories of mine. That's interesting...

Still, my final thought, is it can't really "read" it can only process, compare, and contrast... which is fine and good and all... but... I don't think the AI truly grasps the art of reading and writing at this point.

It is a data processor not a reader nor a writer.

Beavis and Butthead Fan Theory

A back-search of my posts shows I wrote about Beavis and Butthead, a show I am a great fan of, as early as 2011... seems some of the first posts in this site were actually about Beavis and Butthead...

1. https://www.writingsonsubjects.com/2011/03/dear-carl-sagan-who-art-in-somewheres_52.html

(I wrote this after reading a Carl Sagan book and getting mad he was dissing my homies... there used to be a lot of links to this article actually... people liked to know this tid-bit of information... I still see this reference pop up online from time to time).

This article also sort of shows how much I've improved at writing since 2011... back then five paragraphs sandwiched in between 3 photos was what I considered an article. Now I can write way more words than that... like, way more.

2. https://www.writingsonsubjects.com/2011/10/beavis-and-butthead-are-back_68.html

This one is a more straight forward essay also from 2011.


Alright, so aside from brief mentions here-and-there over the last... fourteen years... I have not written an essay about Beavis and Butthead which means an essay about Beavis and Butthead is long overdue.

I've been watching the new season of the show lately and it's pretty good... I hope new generations of people are getting into the dynamic duo and enjoying their antics.

Alright, fellow Beavis and Butthead fans... what is my fan theory you ask? Well, it's one that may shock, dismay, and even horribly sadden many 90s chicks... and that's... hold on now... buckle up 90s chicks... my theory is that... 

Daria is dead.

Yes, the titular character of her very-own spin-off show that a generation of teenage women in the late-90s watched... is deceased. I truly believe that Daria Morgendorffer, who's whereabouts on the new Beavis and Butthead episodes are unknown... is presently confirmed to be deceased.

My theory breaks down into a few components:

1. Beavis clearly states in a 2011 episode of Beavis and Butthead... that "Daria killed herself."
(See: "Drones", 2011, the one where they mistakenly think flying drone missiles for the U.S. army is actually Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and much hyjinx ensues.)

2. Daria's 1997 spin-off show is a different animation style which suggests to me... it's only a bizarre fever-dream being had by Daria. She is probably addicted to anti-depressant pills and is all wonked-out on pharmaceuticals or something of that nature. 

The craziest part of this wild fantasy that is playing out in her mind is that this blunt annoying woman... actually has friends which makes no sense what-so-ever. Daria is so annoying, not attractive, and dumb... it is not believable, at all, that all these hip people, that appear on her show, would want to be around her for any reason. It makes no sense. She sucks... she sucks and she's really stupid.

3. People will counter that she makes two cameos in the new Beavis and Butthead shows in the 21st century... but these are not canon. In their second smash hit film "Beavis and Butthead do the Universe" she makes a cameo in the courtroom... and in a more recent episode she appears as an alien god of some sort during another courtroom like scene. 

It should be known that when Beavis and Butthead came back for the second time in 2022, the program "Rick and Morty" was the most popular cartoon show of the era. Obviously they had to compete with this show and added parody elements from "Rick and Morty" a futuristic show with multiple universes and timelines. There are presently multiple timelines in Beavis and Butthead... some shows they are teenagers, some shows they are 40 years old (I like these a lot), and in some rare shows they are smart future space guys who have ray guns and can surf the multi-verse... or something.

Look guys, Do the Universe... is NOT, repeat NOT, canon! Many a fantastical thing happen in this! It is suggested Beavis even scored with an evil astronaut chick in this film... it is a very whacky movie... it is whacky and not to be taken seriously, mmm-kay? 

Daria's cameos are only in the alternate universe that smart Beavis and smart Butthead created when they began time-travelling and phase-distorting through the unlimited multi-verses in their Rickian and Mortian modern universe. 

Therefore, this is not a good enough defense against my theory that Daria's dead. Her cameos in the movie and one show... is like when you watch Rick and Morty and stupid shit is happening and no one understands it... multi-verses, space guns... and bullshit like that.

My theory now basically hinges on whether or not Beavis is lying or mistaken when he stated that Daria killed herself. Butthead counters that she did not in fact do that but "just moved away"... but who's to be believed? Butthead always contradicts what Beavis says. N'est ce pas? Butthead telling Beavis he is wrong about something is par for the course... he always does that just to be antagonistic to Beavis. In fact, Butthead telling him he's wrong... strengthens Beavis's initial statement as being correct.

My whole theory hinges on Beavis's statement in "Drones" and I personally... believe Beavis. He wouldn't lie to us.

All things considered...

1. Beavis clearly stated she killed herself and that's why she's no longer living in Highland.

CONFIRMED.

2. Daria's 1997 TV show which was beloved by a generation of wannabe hipster chicks... is only a fever-dream she had while lying in her bed. The animation is nothing like what her life used to look like in Highland which suggests it is nothing more than a bizarre dream playing out in her mind. 

The coup-de-grace of my theory is that in this show Daria is always surrounded by hip, cool, and socially-normalized people... which is not possible to believe. Daria is boring, stupid, and the most polite way to describe her looks is probably homely. How is a person like this surrounded by hip n' cool friends all the time? It's ridiculous. This is a dream she is having... possibly as she is over-dosing on legally-obtained pharmaceutical concoctions in her bedroom. It is the only explanation.

CONFIRMED.

3. The cameos she's made are easily explained away as being part of the more Rick and Morty-esque influences the Beavis and Butthead show has taken on since it's second return to the lime-light in 2022. In these sci-fi free-for-alls where a smart version of Beavis and Butthead from 10 million years in the future are opening worm-holes, black-holes, and creating infinite versions of themselves... nothing is to be taken as canon... everything is just sci-fi mumbo-jumbo including Daria's appearances.

CONFIRMED.


I have personally stamped a "CONFIRMED" on all three of my points... which makes them confirmed.

It is confirmed now, so sorry to all those women who grew up in the 90s and looked-up to Daria as their hipster wunder-kind... who despite making no effort to be sociable and friendly somehow made tons of friends by not-caring, being boring, and saying "Whatever" a lot...

Sorry to say but... it's official...

...Daria is dead.

Diarrhea Morgendorffer
(1993 - 2011)

Rodney Movies

Well, I have to admit, I had a lot of fun writing that 90s high school video game story... and I hope anyone who found it and read it liked it too... but it's time to move on from that.

We have to move on from that fun, yet, on the longish-side story and explore new venues of thought and diction... and... whatnot. So now, my friends, amis, amigos, and freunde... let's cleanse our palettes with a palette cleansing article... like those pickled ginger things you get with sushi... and make way for new ideas and thoughts for our brains.

I was writing that story for a few months. I liked it, though, it had its moments.

Now, like Rocky of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame used to say before the show would switch to something totally unrelated and disjointed.... after coming off of that months-long story... Next...

Now, here's something that I hope you really like...

I'm going to summarize and rate every single movie that starred Rodney Dangerfield in it. Note though that this article is not going to be very long for it is just a palette cleanser and the summaries and ratings might only be a paragraph long in some cases. Please, people, please... do not dive into this thinking it will be the one end-all article to read if you are very interested in either watching or avoiding watching movies that have Rodney Dangerfield in them. I am assuring you that the summaries and ratings will be on the quick side... this will not be a dissertation-lengthed article about Rodney Dangerfield films.

Okay? Cool, good. I am happy that you understand this.

I am quite sure, by the way, that I HAVE seen every instance of Rodney in film... though if I get to a film in the IMDB list that I shall be using to remember them all and one appears that I have not in fact seen... I shall skip the entry and write N/A (non-applicable in the rating).

As for Rodney on TV? No, I shall not include them in the ranking list for there are too many instances of him on TV from Carson/Late-night to comedy specials to guest appearances... etc.

As for cameos? No, he's in A LOT of roles of that nature and it would be too many entries to add to the list.

However the list will contain the failed TV pilot turned into a one-off "tv movie" entitled "Where's Rodney?" (circa 1990) where a misguided young man can summon the spirit of the still-alive Rodney Dangerfield to give him life advice. Rodney is not a force-ghost like in Star Wars or an imaginary friend to this troubled young man who needs dating tips and stuff... this teenager can somehow summon Rodney, at will, telepathically, to ask him these questions. This one shall and will be included and given a score.

There are some miscellaneous credits he has in films from 1950 to 1979... before he was a smash-hit all-star heavy-weight comic genius. I shall not include these... it seems he was an "extra" from central casting in some things in the 50s. I don't know what these films even are or if they are worth watching just to see two more seconds of Rodney in movies.

Rodney only really became famous in the 1970s at a fairly advanced age. Rodney's real life before he was famous was horrible to say the least. He was orphaned at nine years old when his mother and sister just moved to another state during the Great Depression because they couldn't afford to take care of Rodney. He sold aluminum siding for years until, one great day in the seventies, he became HUGELY and AMAZINGLY FAMOUS.

The ratings shall be from 0 to 10... and yes both of these scores will come up. There is a perfect 10 Rodney movie as well as MULTIPLE instances of perfect zero Rodney movies...

Alright, blokes, without further ado... here are my summaries and ratings of every single movie Rodney Dangerfield has starred in (plus one obscure and strange failed TV pilot turned into a TV movie).

These shall be presented chronologically as such...

Are you ready? Okay? Get ready... here we go!


Caddyshack 

Hot damn. Looks like we're coming out of the gate, hot, with Caddyshack... an instant classic! This wasn't even supposed to be a Rodney movie. It also had Ted Knight, Bill Murray (who's very famous), C. Chase, and many others... but guess who stole the show? Rodney, that's who.

Rodney came on the movie scene like a bolt of lightning! He stole the entire show!

Portraying the rich but lacking in class golfer Al Czervic... the first Rodney movie forever solidified Rodney as being a terrific super star... but would it last? Nobody, back then, even really knew if he would thus catapult into terrific stardom or be a one-hit wonder.

Note: As if this truly is a "Rodney Movie" or not... If you look at promotional material for this film... most of the time... the top face on the promo material is Rodney. The others? Ted Knight, Bill Murray? Chevy and the dude from Roseanne? They are faded behind Rodney who is in the foreground and most visible on many covers/posters/promos.

Rating: 10/10 (Perfect)


Easy Money 

After stealing the show from Chevy n' Bill... looks like it was time to give the Big Kahuna his own lake to swim in... because those small fries were just gettin' in the way!

In this film, Rodney is paired with Joe Pesci.

I've seen this movie... but I don't remember much of it. That being said... that isn't a bad thing, necessarily, as you'll see down the line... as many Rodney movies are memorable but for the wrong reasons.

If I've seen this film and don't remember much of it ... it could not have been that bad.

Rating: 5.5/10 (Very Average)


Back to School

This film features a rich guy who wants to go back to school and get his degree but all he does is party and act the buffoon much to the chagrin of his professors.

It has lots of people in this that you'll say "Oh! It's that guy!" such as loudmouthed comedian Sam Kinison, Robert Downey Jr. of Iron Man fame, and M. Emmet Walsh.

Oh, and also, Tim Stack (Notch Johnson) is also briefly in this movie.

This movie, the best thing I can say about it... is that... it is a movie. It makes sense, is endearing at times, and works as an actual film with real actual actors and actresses in it. It is even pretty funny at some parts.

It is an above average Rodney movie!

Rating: 7/10 (Decently Above Average)


Where's Rodney?

As mentioned above, this was a TV film, which was supposed to be a pilot for a series but didn't really get off the ground. It exists in some form on the internet somewhere and it is worse than it sounds. As I explained, in the introduction, it is a show set in high school where the protagonist can communicate telepathically or somehow summon the spirit of Rodney to ask him how to do common life tasks... like help with women problems or how to pass some test or something.

It makes no sense and therefore should be stupid enough to be funny, right? Wrong!

This show not only makes no sense... but it falls short on actual Rodney scenes. He is basically summoned here and there to give the kid pointless advice and is barely even on the show. Thusly, not only does it not make sense but it also sucks and is very boring.

You probably think you want to seek it out and see how bad it is...but trust me... don't do that. It's not any good, you guys.

Rating: 1/10 (Severely Not Any Good What-so-Ever)


Rover Dangerfield

I have never seen this but if he is the voice of a cartoon dog... I assume it is possible that it could be good... but I do not know.

Rating: N/A (I've Never Seen It)


Ladybugs

Rodney wants to impress his boss by coaching his boss's daughter's soccer team... but the girls suck at soccer so very badly... so he dresses his girlfriend's son as a girl and uses him as a ringer to win a little girls soccer league and somehow this will impress his boss... I think.

Ladybugs is unique, in the sense that, it is always somehow threading an imaginary needle of being endearing but it can never quite get the thread through that endearing head. A lot of kids sports movies have this issue and most overcome it. Walter Matthau, for example, in that baseball one is an asshole guy coaching kids but it still pulls it out at the end and manages to be endearing to the viewing audience like most kids sports movies do.

Does Ladybugs ever pull the thread through at the end? I'd have to say... no.

There's parts that are endearing and make Rodney and his ringer seem like they are on the up-and-up and good people... and then there's moments where you are somewhat angry at just how awful Rodney, his female accomplice, and his ringer are. They are genuinely bad people... not rootable-for people in the least... there is no reason for him to be doing this... he is doing absolute nonsense and terrible behavior... for no reason... he is a complete moron and a total asshole person... they almost still do pull the thread through though... when he makes the nerdy girl with the dopey glasses feel not-so-ugly about herself...  it's almost back to almost being endearing to the viewer again... but in the end still fails and falls flat.

It's not so much that it tries to be endearing and fails as to why it's bad ... it's more the always-apparent blatant contrast between the endearing scenes and the absolutely stupid ones that make you wonder what the hell is wrong with Rodney (or whatever his name is here... Chet, I think)... he seems kind of like a stupid asshole guy and not a lovable guy who never gets respect that we assume he deserves.

He is dressing up a dude as a chick to win a house-league soccer championship so he can impress his stupid boss.

This, though still is an okay movie, is the beginning of the end of Rodney movies... you can see it in this one. You see the end of the era of Rodney movies happen while viewing it. You can even feel it. There's times in this movie where I stop rooting Rodney on... which is a first in the history of Rodney movies that this can happen but will be almost the norm in Rodney movies to follow.

He's not endearing anymore... he's more like just a big stupid fuck-up that should be in jail for his blatantly idiotic behavior.

I can't go over five for this one even if part of me wants to...

Rating: 4.5/10 (Under-Average but still Okay... I guess)

 

Meet Wally Sparks

Ooof... here we go. Rodney, now a talk show host, rides a horse through a rich guy's mansion, which results in Rodney breaking his leg... and for some reason gets to then live at the rich guy's house and film his show from there while he is injured.

It actually sounds sort of cool, on paper, but it doesn't come out well on the big screen.

This movie is not good... if you like bad movies, like me, and might want to check it out... don't... they are past the point where no one is rooting for Rodney anymore and are basically phoning these Rodney movies in, stampin' his face on 'em and shipping them out... and it is apparent from the get-go. Rodney is older now too and looking a bit... I dunno... in rough shape.

There's a lot of cameos in this like from briefly famous wrestler Damien Demento and from Gilbert Gottfried... which is pretty cool... but it is a very bad film... there's nothing else that can be said about this movie. It's very bad.

On a side note... I believe the name of "Wally" is somehow a homage to Wally George who was briefly incredibly famous in the Anaheim region (and possibly also Orange County). George also hosted a terribly outrageous talk show.

Rating: 4/10 (Under Average Offering)


The Godson

Oh gosh. Is it even fair to really rate Rodney in this complete mess of a movie? Yes, in an odd way, it is. This, strangely enough IS a Rodney movie... thanks to the post-production and marketing people.

Like in Caddyshack... Rodney steals the center of the promo material for this.

From the cover of the package to the artwork to promote the film... you'd think it STARRED ol' Rodney opposite Dom Deluise in a Godfather spoof... that's how they presented it in advertising and promos.

Yet, the fact of the matter is, even though he is showcased on the cover of the movie poster (or VHS box is a more likely place someone would see that artwork)... he is barely ever in this movie. This movie was a flop and a half! It probably made ALL of its money, if any at all, off of people who thought this was a Rodney movie and went to see it or rent it on video to see Rodney. 

It actually isn't a Rodney movie, at all.

You see, The Kids in the Hall were big in this era, I was a big fan of them as well, and they were getting big offers from media people after their sketch show ended. Some of them went on to SNL or to NBC sitcoms... while Kevin got his big break in a feature film! This was Kevin of the Kids in the Hall's big break... it was his movie...and it was a complete and utter disaster. 

To put it mildly... Kevin is in every frame of this movie... he is the lead actor of this movie... he was the star when they filmed this... but... when it came to finally releasing this movie he got a tiny diminutive billing on his own movie! He's buried under Rodney n' Dom... and his name is listed third in a movie he's in every frame of! Rodney is in this movie for like a few minutes. The studio must've hated how this movie turned out and just banked on the fact that Rodney's face would sell a few thousand tickets to screens and move a few VHS out of the bargain bins.

They salvaged this flop by marketing this as a Rodney Movie... but it isn't.

We've now hit a weird vein here... In the History of Rodney Movies... this is the point where Rodney movies don't even need Rodney to be in them anymore and they can still somehow release and market them as Rodney movies just by putting Rodney's face on the box. 

Rodney-less Rodney movies! What a concept!

Rating: N/A (Not a Rodney Movie just a film posing as a Rodney Movie)


My Five Wives

This is not a good movie, guys.
John Pinette is in it though! I love that guy!

Dice is in it too! He's okay too.

Rodney goes to Utah... for some reason. I really don't think much happens in this movie, honestly. I remember John Pinette is a lackey working for someone who wants to frame Rodney for some reason... I don't know.

They must have filmed this with like five thousand bucks on them... or not even... I think Utah probably paid them to make this to promote Utah or something. I know Rodney had a song he released (which I actually have somewhere) called "You Don't Have to Drink in Utah" as a public service to Utah to help its residents not be alcoholics in this era... he had some sort of deal with Utah of a public service nature, I theorize. I am almost 95% sure this would be the case. I think he had some sort of deal with the state of Utah in some manner or other and that's why this movie exists.

I think Utah paid Rodney and a production company to make a movie in Utah and if they made it there and mentioned Utah numerous times they'd give 'em like 100 grand or something for promoting the state. Rodney probably got the big purse of the Utah money, like 60K, Dice probably got 20K, Pinette and the rest of the cast got the last of the "bag" as comics say these days. They then filmed the movie on a zero dollar budget, I presume.

I don't want to give it a zero because it is a movie and John Pinette and Dice are in this so...

Rating: 0.5/10


Back by Midnight

Ooooof.... still going... still pumping out Rodney movies with an elderly Rodney now... still churning out Rodney Movies even in 2008...

How they still managed to make one last Rodney Movie after the last one is not believable but they did. 

He is a warden of a jail who lets his inmates out of prison to buy stuff to decorate the prison with, or something, and though they are incarcerated felons they, I guess, are endearing to the audience in some manner... or... whatever.

Actually it is more endearing than Ladybugs in a weird way... I could root more for these inmates wanting to steal a pool table from a mall and dragging it back to their lonely prison than I could root for Rodney and his ringer trying to put one over on an all-girls soccer league and Rodney's boss.

The head inmate of Rodney's rag-tag gang of felons is Paul Rodriguez who is actually a likeable actor. The acting is pretty good in this.

Truth be told... it's not that bad. You can watch this one and make it to the end if you tried. The inmates are cool and Gilbert Gottfried is in this one too... he has a guard dog they make poop, I think, or something. Or wait, no, the inmates get by his guard dog to rob Gilbert's mall by bringing a hot female dog to distract Gilbert's mean guard dog.

The always funny Harland Williams is in this too... he has a very very endearing scene with Phil LaMarr.

It's up there in the almost average region... I'll give it a fiver just to go out on a positive note.

Rating: 5/10 (Okay)


Anyways, I think my last short story was a little on the long side and I'm gonna write some fluff stuff in here for a while. This is the type of shit I'd write about in 2012 (back when people actually read stuff in here). This is the exact pace, style, and quality of a 2012-era article I'd write. I think I even wrote about Wally Sparks once in 2012 at one point.

So, in conclusion of this essay, I shall say... that I love these Rodney movies! Even the bad ones!

Oh and remember kids... Rodney's right about not drinking in Utah. There's plenty to do in Utah without the need to imbibe yourself with beverage.

"You don't gotta drink in Utah
You don't need that Stuff
'Cuz once you live in Utah
You'll be HIGH Enuff!"
- Rodney Dangerfield 
(See: Full Song)


One more inspiring Rodney quote...

"......aaaaaaand that's hooooooooow ugly sheeeeeeee waaaaaaaaaaaaas!"
-Rodney Dangerfield



Take her away Rodney! Take us out on a low-key number, baby, none of that funny business now, y'hear?

(Edit: I wanted to include something when I mentioned the Kids in the Hall but can't find a place to go back and shoe-horn this small tid-bit in. Basically, the name "The Kids in the Hall" this comedy group is named... was derived from something Rodney used to say. Rodney used to say if a joke failed on stage... "Ho! Oh! Those kids in the hall back there must've wrote that one!"... as if he paid some kids who couldn't get into the show some money for some of their jokes... of which... several to all of them were not worth the money.)