The Coffee Efficiency Reports are In

This article is about Coffee

You drink coffee everyday? Ya, me too. I drink coffee like an animal. Some days, like the weekends, where I don't even have to go to work or anywheres in particulars...I still drink coffee like crazy, get all nuts, and then I just get out all the excess buzz by like punching and kicking the air around me for 4 straight hours.

If you're a coffee enthusiast like me, you'll be happy to know that I sent out a wicked cool robot/car that gathered information on methods of efficiently drinking coffee for cheap and my robot is back with its datum and has auto-generated its tab-delimited reports on the matter.

So without further human ado, here are this years (2014) coffee drinkers efficiency reports that everyone has been waiting for.


Pre-Amble

We shall be comparing how much the variety of ways costs to get pumped in the morning by drinking coffee.

Raw motherfuckahs who drink a lot of coffee want to know how much this shit costs them per annum. We shall be lookin' into brewing it at home with a standard coffee maker, brewing it at home with a weird ammunition loading machine like a "Keurig" or a "Tassimio" or a "Marimo." Finally, we shall look into buying your coffee from a place that sells pre-made coffee.

Obviously prices differ from region to region in North America but this will give you a general idea. To try and keep it a bit uniform I am going to take the prices currently listed on Wal-Mart's website because they have these wal-marts everywhere.


Coffee Efficiency Report

1. Brewin' the shit yo self:
(talkin' 'bout regular ass hoi polloi coffee like Maxwell's House, not like snob people coffee)

Initial investment: around $20 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $9 bux for almost 1000 grams of canned coffee.

So for an initial investment of 20 bux you can make your own shit at home in about a minute. You need about 10 grams of coffee to bang up a cup...so for each 9 buck case of ammo you buy for your coffee making device you can make about 100 cups of coffee.

If you divide 9 bux by 100 you're looking at like 9 fucking cents per cup of coffee.

1 cup of coffee = 9 cents

2. Brewin' yourself with one of those fancy-pantsin' high fallutin' "Keurig" devices:

Initial investment: around $70 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $20 bux for a "24 pack."

(note: it's hard to get a price for these "k-cup" packs...it really ranges on the type and the retailer.)


So you drop a minimum of 70 bucks to join the Keurig family, and then you gotta drop 20 bux to load up on your munitions to brew which provides 24 cups of coffee each time (you can get bigger packs, like a 48-pack which costs double that of a 24 pack). Is it just me or does this shit sound like a ponzi scheme of some manner? People buy these for their friends and family as gifts and in turn the next person falls into this expense trap of like 20 bucks for 24 coffees. The people who hook their friends don't even get any money out of it so it's even dumber than a ponzi scheme.

So, 20 / 24 = 0.83. It is about 83 cents a cup with these highfalutin bozo machines. About 9x more per-cup than a regulation machine.

1 cup of coffee = 83 cents

3. Buyin' it at fast food places
(I know there's a lot of differentiation in price between Dunkin's and MacDickweed's and Starfucks, and I know some of these highfalutin art-school-kid places charge an arm and a dong for a cup of the brown stuff...so I'm just gonna go with Dunkin's going price listed on their site to make matters easier)

Initial investment: 0 bux
Cost for munitions: $1.49 for a "small" cup of coffee

That's like the cheapest coffee you can buy from a retail coffee issuer. I mean, I've been to art-school-kid cafes where like they want quadruple or even quintuple the price for one cup of stupid coffee. Either way my secret spy robot/car that scoured the countryside to obtain this data chose Dunkin prices so that's what this article will go with.

1 cup of coffee = 1.49 per cup.


Analysis over Annum

If y'all motherfuckers drink on average 2 cups of coffee per day (I know most of you, like me, drink more but my robot/car made the reports with 2 as the based god number)....

2 x 365 (days in North American calender) =  730 cupz

Regulation Coffee Maker: 0.09 x 730 =  $65.70
Keurig Coffee Maker: 0.83 x 730 = $605.90
Fast Food Accruement: 1.49 x 730 =  $1,087.70

Dudes, chicks, (or trannies) who make their own shit spend like not even 70 bucks a year on coffee. Keurig people spend about 10x more on coffee expenses...whist motherfuckas who buy their coffee from fast food as their morning ritual spend over 1,000 bux a year if they do that everyday (every single day seems excessive but even every second day would still rack up 543 bux an annum).


Finishing Paragraph

I love reducin' my expenses like a frugal man. I make my own beer and shit and it costs me like 30 bux for 50 beerz now and they taste more good than crappy beer too.

I wish I could buy a small island, make a coffee farm, and form a trusty well-to-do gang of Mexican-looking people with donkeys and get my hands on my own coffee beans. We'd take pride in our work and only pick the best beans and throw out the dumb/ugly beans...and we'd work up a sweat all day, me and these Mexican guys. When the harvest was done we'd all high five and shit, too. That would be cool. Me and them would really feel like we put in an honest day's work...day in and day out.

That's just a dream, I know I'll never be a Mexican-looking guy who has a coffee farm...that's only for my dreams. Everyday would be like a sunny holiday if I owned my own coffee-farm/island.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cysIKz8H3Rg)

The best a frugal and cheap man like me can do to efficiently drink coffee is to use the regulation coffee maker method which amounts to only about 70 bux a year of expenses after the initial 20 buck investment in the machinery.