I am going to review the fast food chains which operate in my living area. Obviously, since these are franchises and one store might be a lot different from another one, they will differ but in general it should be mostly one and the same (that's the point of a franchise). So just two things to establish first:
A) Chains with market share and popularity in my area may not be the same in your area. For instance, there's no White Castles or In & Outs where I am...and I have chains in this area like Dagwood's and various poutine/hotdog ones that are not apparent elsewhere.
B) Franchises in terms of speed of service vary GREATLY. In big cities it's usually bang-bang, but in smaller cities the speed of service is reduced amazingly in some locations. I was in the tiny villa of Cornwall, Ontario this one time and waited almost 1 hour for fast food. When rating speed of service in fast food take into account that some far-off locales can be very understaffed and/or staffed by the Cornwall bumpkins.
Alright so here's the metrics I will be using to formulate and tally overall ratings. The following four metrics will variate from A (best) to F (worst).
1. Taste
2. Health (nutrition of the food, not the condition of the restaurant)
3. Speed
4. Price
(Weight: Taste 4, Health 2, Speed 2, Price 2...to form a total of 10 points)
The following metrics will variate only between Y and N (yes or no).
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products?
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea?
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers?
(any Y variables in these fields will give a penalty of 4 points to the overall score)
We shall break down the review into the following sections...
1. Burger Joints
2. Sandwich Joints
3. Hotdog/Poutine Joints
4. Donut/Coffee Joints
5. Arabic Joints
6. Mexican Joints
7. Asian Joints
8. Fried Chicken Joints
Also before hearing my opinions take note of my credentials...
1. I love eating, it is my passion in life.
2. In the vein of Sy Sperling...I not only eat at these locations but have worked at many of them.
3. I have a degree in Culinary Arts and am a licensed Sommelier. I know how to taste things right.
Okay, Let's Go
Okie Dokie, let's get started now.
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| I pledge allegiance to Macdonald's... |
The fast food realm of MacDicks, Burger Slut, Burger Chef's,
Burger King, Burger Man, 5 Guys. It is the iconic fast food outlet. The icon of "model efficiency" using cheap produce, cheap "meat", cheap labor and trying to maximize dollars by selling burgers. These vary in terms of all the variables but a common thread looks like this...
Taste: B+
Burgers, shakes, and fries do taste good. No doubt. Positive ratings throughout the burger realm. A lot of additives are used to give it the "savory" flavor as the food industry refers to it.
Health: F
Burgers, shakes, and fries are not good for you. Even the alternative items on the menu are not good for you. Don't fool yourself because you got a salad instead of fries that you're eating right.
Speed: A
Very fast...but when long lines form and only some cashes are open you will see massive slow-down very quickly.
Price: B+
Cheap meals. Though they are raising quite a bit...I remember when a trio would be like 6 bucks now I think it's close to 11.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y
Most if not all of these burger joints use bi-product like ears, tails, and eyes smashed together into a pink slime and then re-constituted into a oblong shaped burger disk.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Maybe
It is designed to be chewed easily and make you not feeling filled...but there is a possibility MacDonald's will come out of your ass weird. (only -2 not -4 for the penalty)
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? Y
As to why? According to this,
"Tips are not accepted as McDonald's restaurants have a team environment which is not about rewarding individuals."
Working at McShits or Burger Dump is a pretty crappy job and tips left by customers to the workers would work out on average to about 10-20 bucks extra income for employees per day at busy locations. It's so cheap and dumb to disallow what every other fucking restaurant allows. A big -4 penalty for this.
Burger Joint's Overall Score: -7/10
McDonkey's and the rest of the ilk didn't even manage to crack a ZERO. Not off to a good start.
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Led in market share by Subway, we see others occasionally. I mentioned Dagwood's which is a very local franchise where I live but has a good dose of locations.
Subway is headed by their face-man, Jarred, who has lots of aides.
Taste: B
Less tasty then grease-pit food but it's still very good.
Health: B
Don't let Jarred fool you...eating at Subway's regularly is by no means a healthy diet. Unless your getting some gimmicky "Healthy Veggie Mini-Cal Low-Blah-Blah-Blah" then yeah, but that will seriously handicap the taste score which is being taken from eating the good subs not the lame ones.
Speed: B
Making the food right in front of the customer doesn't let the worker cut corners to get it done faster (not that this is a bad thing mind you). Them not being able to do the things employees do behind the scenes to makes things faster reduces overall speed output.
Price: B
Not bad. It is just sandwich meat though...so it's not getting an A for making people pay like 12 bucks for a trio when it's just sandwich meat. I can make a sandwich myself at home (or in a sack lunch) pretty damn fast and well, dropping 12 bucks for these trios for something you can make yourself isn't a wise budget move. Not deserving of an A.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y
They use the crappy cold cuts like you buy at the grocery store. It's all pink slime. Does that chunk of whatever it is they cut in front of you (ham, turkey, etc.) look like an animal? No. It's reconstituted into a chunk of bi-product.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N
Barring a bad strain of something this food shouldn't give you weird shits. Maybe people with virgin palettes could have difficulty digesting the hot peppers but it's not a big deal.
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N
Yes, it is legal for an employee to have a "tip jar", "tip cup", "tip container" or just flash some extra change near the cash to show that the customer can leave a tip. There's times I do see it at Subway and there's times I don't. It hasn't caught on too hard at this chain.
If customers even leave the really small change behind (any money piece less than a quarter), you're talking about minimum of an extra dollar or two dollars per hour worked.
Sandwich Joint's Overall Score: 1/10
They cracked zero which is a plus. It looks good compared to Burger Joints anyway.
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| Get the trio, guy. All Dressed. |
This is very regional to my region and many aren't familiar with this variation of fast food restaurant. It is basically a grease pit which serves hot dogs and a Quebec regional culture item known as poutine. "Belle Province" leads in the market share and many competitors even use a similar name and logo (La Belle, Belle P, etc.). Another big name is Lafleur's which is a good prototypical example as well.
Taste: A
Not the hot dogs...but poutines are good. It's fries with gravy and cheese curds. The cheese curds melt with the gravy and make these cool squeaky sounds when you eat them. It's fucking good.
Sometimes cheaper places will use regular mozzerrealla and the wrong gravy. It's okay, it lowers the taste score by a grade but still acceptable. What is not acceptable is that one time at the Buffalo Bill's fast food chain...where motherfuckers put kraft processed singles in my poutine. That's retarded, yo.
For the record most of these have smoke meat available too, which is tasty, but most of the best smoke meat restaurants are sit down restaurants.
Health: F
Yo, fried and salted potato strips smothered in gravy and sprinkled with a healthy dose of big fat curd cheese is not good for you. No one needs that spelled out as to why.
Speed: *S* ( Super caliber. bonus points for above A)
Fuck, son. I remember a time at many Lafleur's where they had a timer next to the cash and you'd never see it go over like 20 seconds. Getting into 30 and you'd be like..."what the fuck that's slow." Seriously, you get your hot dogs and poutine almost instantaneously at Lafleur's and variants.
Price: A
Hot dogs are like under a buck sometimes. Poutines vary greatly in price though...but for the most part eating at hd/p places is cheaper than burger joints.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y
Hot dog meat is like the furthest thing from being legit meat.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Maybe
I've been eatin' poutines since I was a little kid so my gut is used to dealing with the digestion of them. If you are new to it then maybe it will fuck your stomach up. (half penalty)
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N
It's common if not universal in this fast food realm to see tip receptacles of all manners. There's a good receptacle at the one up nears wheres I lives. They cut a hole into the counter so the tips fall and cascade into a secret untouchable receptacle...where punks and bandits cannot swipe them whilst the cashier has momentarily diverted attention. Good idea to minimize tip theft.
Hotdog/Poutine Joint's Overall Score: 3/10
A somewhat low final tally. Though keep in mind it is still 300% better than Sandwich Joints.
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| Oh Tim Hortons, my home and... |
Americans know this realm of fast food as Dunkin Dern Dern's but in my region the market share is not even a close race. Tim Whoreton's has the god damned monopoly in this domain.
It's weird too. It's like a Canadian thing. They had this corny commercial once where like this wussy dude is traveling across Europe and they see his Canadian flag on his backpack and then everyone loves him. If you want to see the definition of sappy then search for Tim Horton's commercials and try and watch them without poking your eyes out.
The campaigns work too. You can't say bad things about this company in Canada, it's like treason. Even though it is incorporated in Delaware and had it's most growth whilst being owned by the Wendy's chain, it is still a taboo in Canada to say bad things about Tim Horton's. Why? I dunno, because it's named after a hockey player or maybe because Canadians grasp at any straw imaginable to pretend they have an identity.
Political photo ops for politicians in Tim Horton's are too common. They make Canadian voters all wet too. There's nothing more appealing to Canadian voters for a politician than getting a photo of yourself drinking Tim Horton's coffee.
MacDonald's is trying to muscle into their retail coffee market share by getting nice brown paper coffee cups and lowering it's price of coffee to as cheap as free...but you cannot wrestle away market share from Tim Horton's in Canada. It is literally ingrained into customers minds that eating at Tim Whoreton's makes you a Canadian citizen (as retarded as that sounds).
So the main thread for the ratings are taken from Tim Horton's for the following review, though most readers would probably relate better to Dunkin' Donuts (both are very similar though). It shouldn't change much in the data.
Taste: C
Very bland. There was a time when Dough Knots at Tim Whoreton's were made in a big fryer and the baker flipped them with this cool stick...now they come to the franchise frozen and it is heated by a kid in a conventional oven. They are cheap as fuck. The donuts are literally bread rolls with icing on them. You can buy better donuts at the grocery store by the the dozen for much less.
Health: C
Donuts are not a well balanced diet.
Speed: B
It's average speed.
Price: F
Look, the big morning seller while I worked at Tim Sluttons was the toast and coffee special. You can almost buy a whole loaf of bread and a whole fucking tin of coffee for the same price as this "special." In the morning before I go to work I can make coffee and toast in literally like a minute (make the coffee first, then make the toast while it brews, they should both be complete at the same time). How can anybody wait in line with their vehicle at the fucking drive-thru...as cars line up all the way into the fucking street..BLOCKING FUCKING TRAFFIC FROM USING THE ROAD...just to get their morning toast and coffee? You people are fucking retarded. Lazy lazy lazy fucking people.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y
They use like Maple Leaf "chicken" and grocery store sandwich meat for the sandwiches...but it should also be noted like above that they cut so many corners to save money that they should get a Y just for those cheap-ass frozen bread rolls they pour chocolate on and call donuts.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N
Coffee speeds up your shits. But not necessarily in a bad way...usually in a good way. I'll give it a N variable here.
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N
It is universally not only accepted but encouraged to tip Tim Horton's employees. You can get decent tips too if you work overnight shift because you are alone and don't need to split them up with others...and because drunk guys come in with chicks and are so used to impressing them at the bar they were just at by flashing good tips that they continue the process of impressing her while getting food after. They buy like a bagel and look at the chick...and then tip the cashier like a twenty...and the chick's all like..."wow, you're so rich and shit." Working overnight at a Whoreton's near a popular bar is decent for tips.
Donut/Coffee Joint's Overall Score: -2/10
Uh oh. Back into the negatives. That's no good. I was going to give it bonus points for making people feel Canadian...but then I thought maybe they should actually lose points for making people think a Deleware owned fast food donut shop is a reason to have civic pride in their nation.
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| Shish Tah Ook |
I was surprised to see that this is also pretty regional to my area. Amir's and Basha (especially Amir's) is found almost everywhere in Montreal. I thought they were other places too but I guess not.
They make Shish-Taouk and Shwarmas. (pronounced: Shish Ta Ook and Sha-War-Mah) It's similar to gyros, souflaki, or donairs (I've seen these pita sandwiches refferred to as "donairs" in both Pittsburgh and Calgary).
Taste: A
Tastes good. They use cool vegetables too like pickled pink turnips and nice tasty sauces like garlic sauce and hummus. Hummus is like a meal in itself and it's freakin' good for you too.
They got bak-lava for desert which is a sugar delight.
Health: A
Meat, vegetables, and pita in the main unit. The sides are garlic potatoes, salad, or rice. It's not really super healthy but for fast food it's a really good choice. Vegetarians can eat falafel instead of meat here which is like bean bread balls...they are fried though.
Speed: B+
Bang-Bang...but not like a Lafleur's, they prepare the food in front of you not in the back (but again that's NOT a bad thing just it does reduce speed by a fraction)
Price: C+
If you get a sandwich, one side, and drink trio it's the same as MacDick's or anywhere else. Gettin' plates gets expensive for fast food though...but those plates are stacked man. You will be very full after getting a full Shish Taouk or Shwharma plate.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? N
Yo this meat is on a spit surrounded by fire and they cut it off and you smell it...yo. It's so real guy, you can't fake that smell. So good.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N
They got rice as a side and rice binds you. You won't have to worry about pooping your pants while stuck in traffic if you had rice instead of fries.
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N
You can tip at Amir's or Basha's...no problem. No manager is going to come and tell you it's illegal like at burger joints.
Arabic Joint's Overall Score: 9/10
The Arab fast food gets the first green positive rating of 9. It's good, fast, and pretty healthy.
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| Even in the ads it looks gross... |
I really shouldn't even label this as Mexican. Real Mexican food is goood. Like some Mexican sit-downs in my region are amazing. This is only concerning fast food and you know the one big name in this realm is...Taco Bell.
...and Taco Bell is fucking gross.
Taste: F
Maybe it's just the franchises I've been to but I always get sloppy dirty "meat" in a stale corn thing. It's fucking no-joke disgusting.
Health: F
Insert-Mexican-Sounding-Word-SUPREME. YA! Burrito-SUPREME. Taco-SUPREME! Chalupa-SUPREME! Yeah, tie a feeding bag around your face like a horse and eat this slop until you die-SUPREME!
Speed: B+
It's fast food. It's fast. Obviously.
Price: A
You can get a taco for like a buck at Taco Bell. Cheap.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y
People think ground beef is hard to fake or something. It's ground...it means it can be from anything. Color additives can give ground beef that nice brown texture though.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Y(x2)
Okay, this isn't even a joke. It's getting a stacked double infraction on this variable. That's a -8 on it's total final tally. This shit will fuck up your shits.
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? Y
I'm not sure if it's officially in the Taco Bell business doctrine but I've never seen a jar of any sort there.
"Mexican" Joint's Overall Score: -14/10
According to my formulaes...Taco Bell is two times worse than Macdonald's. That's terrible.
--Asian Joints--Asian fast food is growing. Though it's still mainly a master of the sit-down and buffet restaurant genres, Chinese and other Asian cuisines is making it's way into the fast food market and some of these joints are good.
I've seen Chinese, Thai, Indian (tandoori chicken) fast food outlets in malls and other locations and many of them are good. One that is making a good killing is Thai Express which is fast, good, and let's you put FREE crushed peanuts on top of anything you order at your discretion by placing a big bowl of crushed peanuts next to the cash. I know 5 Guys Burgers has shelled peanuts for you to eat while you wait for your burger but that's not comparable to this. Thai Express let's you put crushed peanuts (as much as you want) on top of any dish you order. It's bad ass.
It's hard to lump them all into one category but the main driving force behind these scores are Chinese style (noodles, rice, meats, etc.) ones.
Taste: A
Chinese can cook, man. Fuck.
Health: B+
Everything is fried. General Tao's chicken is like 1 part chicken to like 9 parts batter. Even if you get vegetables that stuff will be fried somehow. It's not like a grease-pit menu but it's not at all healthy.
With all the rice and steamed foods options, you can make a good nutritional meal at Chinese fast food. Go for steamed rice instead of fried too if you're like a health nut.
The use of meat in Asian cooking is interesting. You never see big slabs of meat on a plate. Meat is used in most dishes but not in the same quantity as western diets use.
Speed: B
They have a little more work to do to prepare meals but they are fast. And it's cool because like at Teriyaki Express they chop all that stuff up and throw it on a scalding metal counter right in front of you and you can smell it burning and all the juices coming together.
Price: B
Getting plates of stuff is going to add a bit more like at the Arabic places, but it's not expensive by any means really.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? N
Maybe some do...but I think the Asians care more about food than we do and don't cut corners. Though, you read fucking horror stories sometimes of like cats and dogs and shit being used but they are usually not true. Man, I read a story like that about KFC one time too so it's not only Chinese places accused of using alternative meats.
I read this cool chinese book once where like some guy named Zhang "The Gardener" Qing and his wife Sun "The Demon" Erniang ran an out-of-the-way inn, and when people came to eat and drink wine there, they would poison the meal and knock the customer out. Then, they would chop the customer up into pieces and serve him/her in dumplings to the next customer that came. They were heroes in the book too not even villains. Fuck, Chinese culture can be pretty cool sometimes.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? N
They work with rice a lot too...so it should bind your shits up.
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N
Only retarded restaurants pull stuff like that. You can always drop some coins here and there if you feel like it.
Asian Joints Overall Score: 7.5/10
A nice round 7.5 outta 10. That's pretty good.
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| Roy Roger's Bones n' Bread. |
KFC. Haha, where I live they either want to market to french folks better or the retarded government of Quebec made them change the abbreviation to PFK (Poulet Frit Kentucky).
I never got that. Like the word KFC isn't french enough? It's not even a fucking word. Changing it to PFK makes it sounds more french? I don't see how that works. A lot of retarded shit happens where I live. Making things backwards is really common...like a store can't be Home Hardware it has to by law be called Hardware Home, or Wal Mart cannot be called that they have to legally change it to Mart Wal to operate in Quebec. One funny one was Price Club...it was changed to (can you guess?) Club Price. It's silly, but, whatever. I think sometimes the companies do the name change tongue-in-cheek style just to make fun of the Quebec law makers. They be all like..."Oh we can't be called Radio Shack? Well, then what about Shack Radio...does that come off more french sounding"?
Taste: A
Like General Tao, the Colonel knows the recipe to make chicken taste good. You take 1 part chicken to 9 parts batter. Ohhhh...that batter taste good. It's a moist fatty coating of breaded brown goodness.
Health: F
It's just fat...bones...and a bit of chicken. Fuck, one time I ate at a Roy Rogers in the States and it was literally bones covered in batter they didn't even put the fucking chicken in.
Speed: B+
Regular fast food.
Price: D
Two pieces of bones and batter is not worth what they charge.
The worst I ever got expensive bones wasn't even a KFC or a Roy Rogers it was a fast food chain called Bofinger. They charged me like 12 bucks for ribs thanks to that deceptive "choose your sides" thing. You think you're getting a trio discount % applied but it's not like that with that sides maze. I felt like that movie "I'm Gunna Git You Sucka" where like Chris Rock orders 1 rib off of Isaac Hayes and Jim Brown...but obviously that was comedy because it's a ludicrous situation. For real though (in real life), I ordered the "small" rack at Bofinger and they gave me 2 ribs! Fuck that shit. Bones 'aint a trio.
1. Do they use pink slime / re-constituted meat bi-products? Y
These are real chickens. (Not the chicken burgers or nugget things though)
I should have phrased this question better, maybe..."do they cut all corners to get you the cheapest shit imaginable" because that's what I mean with this question basically. Yeah, KFC has the all time leading amount of horror stories surrounding it, I don't know if any of them are true but they, for sure, have the whackiest ones. You get headlines on the web like "Dude Finds Deep Fried Brain in his KFC" and loads of silliness. They might be all urban myths but there's something about the image of KFC that lets people have no trouble accepting these as true.
KFC stinks and smells too. If you live near one you'll know what I'm saying.
2. Will this food give you fucking diarrhea? Maybe
Maybe. You could get diarrhetic off this. It's possible.
3. Do they ban their minimum wage employees from receiving tips from costumers? N
I dunno. I don't think it's popular if it is. I gave the Y to Taco Bell but I don't know. I think I'll give the N to KFC. It's in the grey area where you can tip but I doubt anyone ever does.
Fried Chicken Joints Overall Score: -1/10
Negative 1. Not bad, considering.
Conclusion
Looks like Arabic fast food wins. It's as fast as regular fast food but healthier, realer, and more better. Specifically I think it's Lebanese cuisine but it is similar to other Arabic and close to Greek cuisine too (baklava). These are in every strip mall in Montreal too. Lebanese fast food is good.
General tips to leave you with...
1. Don't supersize...there's no way you need that many calories. It's all empty garbage calories.
2. Save a lot of monies by avoiding the trio. They give you the sandwich for like 3 bucks but with the fries and coke it becomes like 10 bucks. If you want to save money to buy beer at night then just skip the trio, guy.
3. Diarrhea means your body is purging EVERYTHING you put in it. It's in a hyper alert mode of expulsion of the garbage you just put in your body. It's perfectly natural and you shouldn't be ashamed if you get diahrreactic. To avoid, don't eat garbage food.
