I wrote a dusty ol' swamp story a few weeks ago to try and train my fiction writing ability. It was okay. I kept it going with a sequel and now let's round it out with the Conclusion of ... The Swamp Trilogy.
This final installment shall be narrated by Reggie and the reader shall finally, once and for all, find out why there's so many god damned swampity monsters in that dusty ol' swamp.
Okay, let's begin....
1
Don't die on me, Jake. Don't die on me, Soul Brotha! You always thought it was your fault that those swampy monsters made it to our home. I even probably played a hand or two in convincing you of that ... but I was wrong. Those swamp monsters coulda followed anyone of us back ... it was just the tides of the rivers of fate that dictated it was you.
You can't die on me, Jake.
"Stay awake! Don't let go!" I implored to Jake with all my heart.
"Lady Luck just wasn't on my side today daddy-o .... I'm sorry Reg .... but it's my time," Jake responded as he gasped for breath.
"You 'aint gonna die, brotha, YOU 'AINT GONNA DIE ON ME!" I yelled.
I was scared. Jake risked his life to infiltrate the monsters underground lair ... he found their dark clandestined secrets and made it out of there alive to bring that information back to us. Those things musta caught on to him just as he was making his way out. Those monsters hit him in the leg with some kind of makeshift swamp-monster bodkin during his escape. When I found Jake ... he was covered in blood, bleeding out something fierce, he musta lost a boat load 'o blood making his way outta there.
"Hey, Reg ... you remember the day we met?" He asked.
"Ya .... man .... I do."
2
I met Jake in the Desert. That dusty ol' Desert where they had that eatery run by that nice Spanish lady. He helped me out that day, he most certainly did.
Me and Mama, Moms Yeager everyone called her ... she was my birthright mama though related by blood so I called her Mama instead of Moms ... it was just me and her in that Desert looking for a town or something. We were headin' west in search of better economic opportunities but half way through that Desert we both knew it was a mistake and we shoulda just stayed in our hometown.
Mama came down with some sunstroke or some kinda affliction because she caught the vapors, daddy-o, she caught the vapors something heavy out there ... and we were not even half the way through that dustily desert, man.
I had no choice but to hoist Mama on to my back and carry her the rest of the ways yonder, and outta that Desert.
"Don't worry, Mama, we'll make it outta here ... I promise."
There was no water in that sonnofa desert and I knew I was lying to her. We were gonna die there, right there in that stupid arid deserted Desert. We sure were.
A big sand bear stepped in front of my path. Funny how that works, huh? You know that feelin'? Like thangs get worse ... but they get so much more worser ... that they get better? It's funny ... but that's what it was. Not only was I dyin' o' thirst with my dyin' starvin' Mama on my back ... but now a hungry sand bear wanted to rip me up and gobble us up, daddy-o, 'aint that some shit?
"GROOOOOWL," the sand bear scowled.
"What is it, son?" said Moms Yeager.
"Oh 'aint nuthin' Mama .... just get some rest ... close your eyes." I assured her.
"Okay ...." she said.
I couldn't put her down to fight this thing or the bear would go for her ... the easy target first ... and then me. So I kept Mama on my back as I put my dukes up to wrassle this dusty ol' sandy bear. A minute ago ... for sure I thought I was dead .... but this sand bear got the andrenaline pumpin' inside of me something wild, baby, woooooooooooo!
"Come on! You want to make a meal outta my Mama ya dusty dusty sand varmint? Rightly first you best be makin' a meal outta me! But lemme tell ya .... I 'aint no push over, daddy-o, now whaddya say ya Sand Bear? You wanna do a few rounds of Dusty Desert Dancin' with yours truly?" I egged the Bear on.
The Bear raised his gigantic paws and they came crashing down on my head! It was funny again ... things got even worse but still more better as they worsened. Ya, I was now bleeding and half unconscious but I could feel it, dude! I COULD FEEL IT IN MY BONES! OW!
The bear came crashin' down with his paws on my head again ... but I quickly put my right hand under his sandy crotch, and then my left hand on his sandy back ... and all the while with my mama clung to my back .... I PICKED UP THE BEAR AND STARTED RUNNIN' AT FULL SPEED, DADDY-O!
"GRAAAAHAHAHHGGHGHGHA!" The Sand Bear yelled, it sounded surprised n' angry like a stupid idiot!
"You wanted to do some dusty desert dancin' bear! Now get ready for my ultra-TANGO, daddy-o!" I yelled.
I had the bear vertical now, his head pointing downward to the sandy ground ... all the while with my Mama on my back clinging for life .... I kept runnin' at full speed and then uncorked my Devastation Power Slam! KAPLAM! I landed on top of the sand bear!
It was out cold ....
"What was that, son?" asked Moms Yeager ... about 95% incoherently due to hunger and thirst.
"Just some dopey bear, Mama, gave me my second wind somethin' hot though ... I think I'm ready to walk again ... and get us outta this stupid desert...." I answered.
Just then I saw him, another traveler, walking parallel to me.
"Some Bear fight, man, nice Power Slam." He said to me.
"Thanks, man. Say, me and my Mama is pretty parched n' dry, daddy-o, you wouldn't happen to have any extra supplies in your gunny sack do ya?" I asked him.
"Sure do. Got some water n' dry rations to spare. Here take 'em .... you look pretty tired too ... maybe I could carry that nice ol' lady for a stretch, whaddya say?" Said the traveler.
".... Thanks, man." I said to him ... almost in tears ... but I kept 'em back.
"Name's Jake." He told me.
"My name's Reggie." I told him.
.... and that's how I met ol' Jake.
3
"I'm bringing ya back to town, Jake." I told him. He was almost unconscious.
"There 'aint no time, Reg. Those swamp monsters are planning their Final Attack, If you don't take this fool proof strategem I devised whilst incognito in their lair ... and carry it out post-haste ... all shall be lost, man." He told me.
"It's gonna hafta wait, Soul Brotha, you carried my Mama outta that Desert and into that dusty town with that restaurant run by that pretty Spanish lady ... now it's time for me to carry you." I said to 'em.
I took off my shirt and used it to as a make shift tourniquet to stop-gap his excessive bleedin' and then put 'em on my back and ran to our best motor boat and brought him back to town.
"JAKE! IS HE OKAY!?" Yelled Huang Si as I revved the boat into the swamp.
"He needs fixin', H-Si, get 'em to Gertie so she can patch 'im up." I told him.
"Where ya goin, Reg!?" Huang Si queried of me.
"I gotta go carry out Jake's plan ... there's no time! It's now or nevva, baby!"
I trusted Jake with Huang Si and one-eightied my motor boat back towards the swampity monsters slimey lair. I picked up the handwritten Plan that Jake entrusted to me. The Plan he devised under the cover of disguise as he lived for days in the swamp lair in disguise as a grimey briney swamp monsta.
I read the first three verses of the Plan.
"Those swamp monsters are smarter than they look. They might be aliens or government mega-soldiers. Whatever they are they 'aint no run-in-the-mill Swampity Monstas, daddy-o, no sirreee. Their leader has learned how to trick us. He/She/It can speak to us in human speak and is evolving and getting more smarts by the day. It wants us all dead .... the swamp monsters want all us humans to die so they can bring about a swampity monsterous revolution of immense proportions. We must stop them now! Whoever is readin' this ... this is what you gotta do .. you ready?"
I kept readin' it....
"Numero Uno: I left my disguise behind a rock to the northeast of their lair. You can recognize the rock formation cuz it looks like the Graceland swimmin' pool. It looks like a guitar sorta, daddy-o.
Numero Dos: They can only HEAR well ... these thangs don't smell good ... and sight-wise they are pretty dumb. They won't give you a hard time whilst in costume. It's a buncha slimey silver fish I strung together with chains .... and the hat is a lobster ... you gotta put the lobster on yer head. Now that you're in total incognito ... make your way to the lowest center of the lair ... that's where the smart monster is. And WATCH OUT ... Gertie if you're reading this then disregard Numero Three, but if a male is readin' this then read Numero Three (see under)....
Numero Three: The leader has taken the form of a HOT SWAMPY MERMAID LADY! AND SHE LOOKS PRETTY HOT! SO WATCH OUT! She will try to seduce you with her tendrils and the shape of her watta. You can't fall for her wiles cuz she's as evil as hell, daddy-o! Don't let her fool ya!
There was a few more verses but I'll save 'em for later. Right now I gotta get into that lair and down to the center ... and confront this .... this .... this ...
Hot Lady Mermaid Swampity Monsta?????
4
I found that "Graceland" rock formation Jake wrote 'bout in the Plan .... it didn't look like a guitar that much but the disguise was behind it as the Plan indicated. A buncha silver fish chained together like some kind of briney slime coat and a lobster that I was supposed to put on my head as a lobsta hat. It was still alive too.
I decked on the gear and became fully under-the-cover of clever guise. It was now time to beguile these swampy monsters, infiltrate their briney lair, and fight their trickster mermaid. Not a fraction of a moment's time was a lotted to waste. It was time to make haste!
I made my way past the lair's monster guards. They were none-the-wiser for alas I was incognito as shit, baby. Next I made my way down the cavernous slime lair. It was like a brine fest ... just a buncha hunka dirty fishy monsters doin' their thang like bein' slimey and gross and everything.
I got as down as I could get in that stinky lair ... and then the smell changed. It changed into something that smelled good! I looked through the doorway to the next room, a doorway with green arches, an intimidating doorway to say the least, daddy-o.
In that fine-smelling room was a SEXY FISH LADY! WHAT THE HECK? Jake was right, the leader took the form of a fish lady! Like a green/blue lady with gills n' tendrils. I got scared, and hot-unda-da-collar at that sight. I looked at the rest of the Plan....
"Numero Quatro, Daddy-O: While that swampy seductress was trying to lure me with her wiles so she could bite my head loose ... she backed away and ended her advances on me when she accidentally rubbed up against my gunny sack ... and contents of potato chips spilled out and she FREAKED. She started screamin' "SALT! SALT" and flailin' her tendrils about like a crazy son of a sailor!"
What the shit? I wondered. So I kept readin' Jake's Plan.
"Numero Ultimato: It's salt, daddy-o. It's salt. I left my gunny sack under a rock that kinda looks like a pear or like a stumpy banana. I got another bag of potater chips in that gunny sack. Throw it on her! Then, I dunno, if she doesn't die ... then I dunno ....
That's it. He wrote the last paragraph in his own blood. That Jake was a real man-of-gutso, something fierce. I hope Gertie patched him up right quick back at the swamp. He left me in the doledrums with the finisher to this Plan though, man. If the salt attack don't kill the swamp witch thing ... then what do I do, daddy-o?
What do I do, daddy-o?
5
"Hsssssssss, Come closer to me, Human, I want to see who is trying to enter my bed chambers at this late hour," The Swamp Monster Mermaid Leader Witch thing said to me.
Her skin was slimey and green n' blue ... but Jake was right she was pretty sexy.
"It's just me, Reggie." I said.
"Ooooooooh, Reggie, what nice name for a human, hisssssssss" she sexily said as she rubbed her sultry shoulders against me.
"Uhhh, now listen, lady, your army of swampy monsters has been wreckin' up a stew in the home that I love ... and I must ask you to put an end to these shenanigans or ...." I answered her.
"Or what, hiiiiissssss, you'll punish me? Mmmhmhmhmhmhm, Human,that sounds utterly delightful", she again sexily stated whilst her tendrils massaged my ears.
"Yo, like seriously, I 'aint playin'! I don't wanna have no sex with you! I want you and your ilk to leave my swamp ALONE!" I tried to resist but her tendrils and voice was sexy as sin, is what it was.
"Would you like to know the Shape of My Water, human?" She asked me as her sensual tendrils made their way down my neck.
"Shape of your Water? I don't wanna see the Shape of Your NOTHING lady!!!" I retorted to her.
At that point I reached my wit's end! This swampy harpee could never seduce me! My Soul Brotha almost bled to death over this nonsensery! I pulled out Jake's gunny sack, removed the bag of potater chips from it, ripped it open, and threw all the SALTY CHIPS all over her pretty fishy face!
"HISSISISISSSSSSSSSSSSS! AAAAAAAAAH! SALT! SALT!" The monster quivered and shook like a hunka hunka dirty briney shrimps in a bucket!
She, I mean it, started to lose its sexy exterior and under that clever guise was something so sickenin' I almost PUKED. She ... I mean It ... looked like a sack of fish chum feed after roastin' up in a hot swamp sun! She looked simply TERRIBLE!
"BRAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHG!" The Monster Leader croaked and graggled at me all monstrosity-like.
"I'm sorry lady .... but this honeymoon is over. You 'aint even a lady at all. You are an evil swamp monster who wants to kill my friends and family ... and this ENDS NOW!" I declared with the undying vigor of one hundred champions.
It was time to tango....
6
"BRAGAGHGHGHGHG! HIIISSSSS! HUSSSS!!!! BLARGH!!!"
The monster charged at me with the intensity of a wild untamed stallion. I got the jump on it though and fastened it tightly in an arm bar.
"BRAHAHAHGGHG! HISSSSSS!"
"Looks to me you can't speak human in your final form, eh monster!? Don't matter none. I know what the words ouch and oh shit let me go mean through your slimey body language!" I told it as I increased the pressure on the arm lock ... whilst tendrils and scales snapped and broke off of the monster like cheap department store peanut brittle.
Just then it used its lowest tendril, which was probably the thang's damned penis for all I knew, to flip itself vertically ... which transferred the pressure I was applying to its arm over to my own!
"AW HELL TO NAW! DAMNIT MONSTA!" I said to it.
I tried to wriggle out of this reversed-arm-bar but could not .... so I started to think of my free arm and what it could do ... rightly then I dragged the monster towards me with my locked arm and right into my free arm ... with a stunning Short Arm Clothesline!
"BLAAAAGHH!"
It was surely in pain as it reacted with gurgles and screamin' to my Short Arm Clotheline! I broke my arm free and helped the monster to the ground. Whilst it lay prone ... I dropped the Atomic Elbow on it!
"RAAAAAAAAAUGHGHGHGHGH!" It yelled.
"Let's finish this, daddy-o!" I declared with a reverence of One Thousand Champions.
I picked it back up and Irish Whipped it into the cavern walls ... they were so slimey and gunky that it bounced right off of the wall and its energy propelled it back towards me. I knew rightly then it was once again time for my patented Devastation Power Slam ... the Monster's momentum of it running towards me would output so much more energy into the devastationess of my finishing move. It was now or never!
"Blaaaaaaurghghg???"
"DEVASTATION!"
"POWER!"
"SLAM !!"
I uncorked the devastation of my patented slam and the monster was no more. I poured more salt and chips on it until it dissolved into the salts of the earth like a slug.
(My theme music Get on Up by James Brown started slowly playing as I exited the lair)
The minor monsters and lesser fishes scattered and escaped into the darkness of night. The lair had no trace of swamp monster left in it as I exited back into the better-smelling reality of the outside world.
I walked back to my beloved swamp as my theme music got louder and louder which each subsequent step.
..... It was finally over.
7
"Hey Reggie! Why ya lookin' so happy for ya slimey son of a sailor!?" Mama said to me as I approached the Swamp.
"Jake's Plan worked Mama .... those swampity monstas are GONE!" I victoriously told her.
"That's great .... Soul Brotha," someone said to me from behind. I thought it was Huang Si but when I turned around .... it wasn't H-Si. It was Jake!!
"Jake! You're Alright!?" I asked of him.
"Yeah, man, I'm fine. Gertie patched me up good, daddy-o, I'm as fine as feathers and as right as rain," He assured me.
"That's right, I surely surely done-did," Gertie said.
"Hey Reg, the amps are set up and the drum kit is loaded on dock #3, Soul Brotha, how about we celebrate with a rock-n-roll concert for the whole Swamp?" Huang Si asked of me.
"Sounds like a Plan, baby." I answered.
We played our rock and roll that night into the night's sky. It was pretty buck. It was a good set-list, we did Everybody Walk the Dinosaur about mid-set and ended with Get on Up.
Me. Jake. Huang Si. Gertie n' dear ol' Mama. Because of us The Swamp will be safe for generations to come and they will build statues to us in our honor.
THE END
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