Race in Hollywood .... and In Asia?

Lotta of people talking about Race relations in Hollywood these days. It's an interesting topic. I think I have a strange angle to go with on this though.

There's basically 3 things I wanna hit and quit in this article:

1) Hollywood is a Big Huge Business now and it's not necessarily about the content any longer but about expanding its brand.

2) People Always rag on America being racist but I think Other Parts of the World need to realize how racist their countries are too.

3) Race and skin color in Asia is something that society has issues with as well.


Gonna write about those three things and then wrap it up together in the conclusion part. Don't worry, if you're gonna read this, don't worry I'm going somewhere with these three seemingly unrelated matters.


Hollywood is Not about the Content Anymore

I used to always think "things were better back in my day" like entertainment was better when I was a kid and whatnot. I realized maybe it was just me though, I was just getting older and every generation feels that way and things weren't better back then it was just that my generation was over and a new one was starting. So, I admitted to myself that I was wrong and that things were not better back in "my day" ... I came to the realization that I was just old now and grumpy about the kids these days.

...but...

Then I heard someone say something that made me do a U-Turn on that mental conclusion. I was listening to the Late Rowdy Roddy Piper's podcast and he was interviewing someone (I can't recall who now ... I think it was King Kong Bundy though). Anyways, Piper was saying that things were "better in his day" and that WWE was better back in the 80s and 90s ... and I was thinking "no, you're just old bro" ... but he said something that really made me think. He explained WHY it was better in the old days and it made sense to me. I'm gonna paraphrase what he said because I can't find in it the podcast archive (I think they took them down after he passed away) where he said this but he said something along the lines of ...

...That the WWE was better in the 80s and 90s because it was a company trying to brand itself and become big ... and to do that they needed to provide quality entertainment and content. Yet, now in today's world of 2016, the WWE no longer has to build its brand because they already did that. They have a huge brand to work with and now their main goal is to spread their brand to other markets (China, India, South East Asia, etc) in order to gain more viewership and make a lot more money.

It is now the BRAND itself that sells and they want to get this BRAND into other markets to make more money ... and the content? It's no longer what sells the brand. The content is just conveyor belt re-hash of old content. The content is no longer even needed, it has been uniformed, pitch corrected and corporatized to be ready to serve to the market. The content and quality of the entertainment value is now a NON FACTOR.

I have to agree with this. I really do. Rowdy Piper was right, he was. The WWE when it was trying to get noticed and trying to build itself into a big company had to rely on pure entertainment value and good content to do that ... and now that it is a huge corporate entity with a humongous Brand loyalty ... the entertainment value and content has definitely been put onto the back burner. All they worry about now is how to get their logo and brand into new and profitable markets ... and that's ALL they worry about.

Now, is Hollywood in the same boat? For sure. Hollywood movies are big budget things and that money comes from some very big corporations. It is no longer about the art or the content ... it is about "giving people what they want" and "entering new profitable markets."

You do a few opinion polls to see what the movie goers want and you make conveyor belt products based on those opinion polls ... the movies pretty much make themselves ... all the special effects are outsourced to electronic plantations in India or somewhere where they do all the boring editing work.

The movies are now PRODUCTS and they are not ART. The execs want to move these products like any other product. Like, a guy who runs a juice company ... he'd look at the market test research and say ... "okay so mango juice sells well in this region, so let's discontinue grape juice and focus on exporting and advertising mango juice to this region now" ... and that's the same way movie products are dealt with now. An exec will say, "Okay, so product 22B Generic Super Hero Action Movie sold well in the South East Asia market, ok great, let's start churning out more of those for that region because we can move that product easy."

If you read the Sony emails that were leaked, in my opinion, the most telling one, and the one which proves that this is true was the one about Denzel Washington. The email stated that his film "The Equalizer" didn't sell in Asian Markets and thus only made 200 million instead of 350 million. So, next time they'll find a guy for the movie who will sell in Asia.

Now, you probably know where I'm going with this. Basically, Hollywood not casting black actors and actresses is not because they are necessarily racist and hate black people ... it's because ASIA doesn't like movies with black people!




Rest of the World? Maybe you should stop hating on America and Hate on Your Own Selves for a bit.


First of all, I'm not trying to say there's no racism in America, there is. Groups like the KKK, and the like are still active and racism is very alive in America ...

...but...

I will go ON RECORD and state that race relations in America might be the best on EARTH. America is trying to create a nation which is the Best of the Best of all the cultures in the world, and yes at times the groups don't mix and they faction themselves off ... but in many cases the groups are mixing and inter-breeding very well.

Try this on for size, the people of America ... elected a visible minority ... a black guy ... Barack Obama ... to be their official leader and represent them in global affairs. They did that. Twice.

What about you Europe? Where's the visible minorities leading your countries? No where.

England's national dish is Curry, but in all honestly, do you think there will ever be an Indian visible minority elected Prime Minister? No. Why? Because British people would never do that. They are more racist than Americans. You think they never had slavery? They had slaves in Jamaica. Fuck, under British law ... all people are "subjects of the Queen" .... everyone's a fucking slave in England.

France? Will they ever have a black guy or arab guy as their leader. Nope. Probably never. You think they didn't have slavery? Go look up the history of Haiti if you think France never enslaved black people.

Germany? Oh shit... you think there will ever be a visible minority as Germany's leader? Yeah right. Germany is like the most racist country in history. It's Nazi Central. You know what would be cool down in Germany? A Jew President in Germany ... now that would be cool. Would it ever happen? Sadly, never.

Everyone singles out America as being like the most racist and uncivilized country but Europe has as bad or even worse ghettos than the USA nowadays ... all the Arabs in England and France have been relegated to the poorest parts of town and Arabs have a difficult time in Europe.

If a non-white in America asks his or her Mom ... "Mom can I be President someday?" his or her mom can say "Yes, honey, Barack did it ... so you can too" .... but in Europe? You think an Indian or Pakistani kid in England or France can ask his or her mom that question and be told the same answer? No, because that child has ZERO chance of becoming president in those countries. The majority population of those countries would never vote him or her in ... let alone twice in a row.


Canada is the same thing too. Canada operates on this sort of "There's No Problems in Canada, Canada is Perfect" attitude that ensures change cannot occur in its boarders and problems can't be solved. Canada elected a guy who's seen as a "change" because he's only in his forties. I don't call that change ... elect a chick or a black dude or a chinese guy ... that's more of a change than a white guy who's in his 40s instead of his 50s. Will Canada ever have a visible minority as leader like the USA had? No.

Anyways, gotta stay on topic here, back to Denzel Washington not being able to sell Hollywood's products in Asia ... I'm not here to talk about Europe or Canada ... today we're talking about ...




Race and Skin Color in ASIA

I don't think many people would know about this if you don't live there or whatever. I have read some accounts on this matter, mostly by accident, and can form a decent opinion on it, I guess. Things I've read over the years provide me some insight on this even though I wasn't really ever trying to study skin color obsession in Asia.

I read Warren Cromartie's book a long time ago, "Slugging it Out in Japan" about a "gaijin" playing baseball in Japan and it is interesting. I didn't realize that racism isn't just an American thing ... like, people tend to think we have the monopoly on racism but America doesn't at all ... every country is scared of people who look different than they do.

Great CD.

Cromartie is a rare success story though, as he won an MVP in their baseball league and helped their biggest franchise win a championship ... so he is pretty much Super Famous in Japan. He learned the language quite well, appeared in sketch comedy shows, wrestling matches, and formed a band (Climb) where he was the drummer whilst in Japan in addition to his baseball fame.

Alright, well if we wanna to get to the bottom of why Asia isn't big on black actors in movies we shouldn't focus on one of the lone success stories of "gaijins" in Asia. Let's go deeper.

First of all, forget about actual like Black Guys when you think of "black guys" in Asia, in Asia there really isn't very many at all ... their qualification for who is black and white is very different ... so having dark skin color and being known as "black" in Asia means being slightly darker than other Asians. An Asian guy in Asia who's skin is slightly darker than average is known as being "black."

This goes back a long time in Chinese History, if you read Outlaws of the Marsh, the leader of the band of heroes is Song Jiang and this character has two nicknames in the book. He's known as "Timely Rain" to his friends (translates basically to "the guy who's there when you need him") and Song's second nickname is "Blacky" because of his dark skin. There's another character Li Kui who's known as the "Black Whirlwind." This book is where Robin Hood was stolen from and it's about these heroic bandits who steal from the rich and give to the poor. This book is a very "counter-culture" sort of book in China and the depiction of these heroes as being dark skinned was rare for the time period and very likely upset the ruling class.

Tat is apparently a "black guy" to Chinese people.

To give you a modern example of what China considers a "black guy" we can look at Man-Tat Ng, a character actor who shows up in many a gambling movie and many a Steven Chow movie. Man-Tat's nickname in movies and in real life is "Blacky Tat" because his skin is apparently very dark.

Alright, I think Man-Tat is a good example of race in modern China. Just ask yourself this ok .... If you want a quick crash course on skin color down in Asia just understand this ....


.... If China thinks Man-Tat Ng is a Black Guy then what would they consider Denzel Washington as?


Look China, I don't know how to break this to you but Man-Tat Ng is NOT a black dude, okay? If your skin color qualifications are THAT obsessive to the point where you'd qualify that man in that photo above as having "black" skin then your obsession with skin color is much more fucked up than America's melanin obsession. Almost 1000 times more fucked up.

This obsession of light skin has its roots in old texts of famous thinkers and government officials in China who spoke of light skin as being a sought after trait. Either way it's not important where it started but the notion that "light skin is good" is VERY ingrained in current Chinese life, and they view light skin as desirable in both real life and in movies.

That's the reality of this race problem and since Hollywood wants to enter into these Asian markets, they have to deal with a skin color obsession that's more pronounced than it is in America.

Great films.

Hollywood is actively trying to solve this problem too. I consider the Rush Hour films starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker ... in strategic terms .... as Hollywood execs trying something along the lines of ... "let's try and get Asia to dig black people by making them go, Hey look Jackie's best friend is a black man! I guess if Jackie likes them so should we!" ... and I think it may have worked to some extent. They can try more buddy comedies ... like a Chow Yun Fat + Kevin Hart vehicle ... or maybe a Steven Chow + Mr T type of film to continue this strategy.

Honestly though, I don't think Hollywood should try and cater to the Asian market because Asia makes their own entertainment for themselves anyways. Chinese movies are getting fucking amazing, they are. They are big budget products these modern Chinese movies. Hollywood should fucking worry about losing the American market to Asia more so than trying to conquer the Asian market.

I don't think Hollywood should actively not cast black people because they are scared Asians won't watch the movie.


Conclusion


Before we hate on Hollywood too much, it should be known that Hollywood is not in the Arts business anymore ... it's in the conquering all global markets and making a lotta money business now.

When it comes to people wiggin' out about the dumb Oscars. Look, the Oscars isn't important, at all. The only reason any sane person ever watched the Oscars was to see Joan Rivers making fun of celebrities and calling people ugly ... and now that Joan is gone ... there exists no more reason for any sane individual to watch the Oscars.

As bad as race relations are in USA, it is STILL better than any other country on earth. It really is almost achieving a Buckminster Fuller envisioned Best of the Best Global Human Society and I don't think any other place on earth has even come close to what America has achieved in the last 50 years.

How do you get more visible minorities in acting roles? In the current state of Hollywood ... you'd have to convince China that a guy like Man-Tat Ng's skin color and people with skin darker than that are cool ... so ... yeah ... this is a very difficult and uphill battle. If they consider that actor as having skin that's too dark and only cast him to play buffoons and villains then good luck getting Asian markets to watch movies with people who are actual literal sexual chocolate caliber black people.

All factors considered, Hollywood is a business that wants to maximize profits and black actors are not being well received in the markets they want to try and sell their products to.

Look, Hollywood is not what it used to be, ok? It's an arm for Sony and some other businesses and that's the cold hard facts. Why would anyone care if they didn't win the "You Moved the Most Units for Sony Award."

Also, last but not least, if Spike Lee thinks "Chi-Raq" deserves an Oscar then Spike Lee is legit crazy.





(End Note: I was googling more about Skin Color obsession in China and this article seems like a good exmaple if you're interested in further understanding the subject: (http://asiasociety.org/blog/asia/china-long-tradition-dodging-sun-photos) . If you google the subject of light skin in China you'll find a lot of data on it.)

Guns

Whoa, everybody talkin' about guns. You go down to the club or the batting cages or the pub or the driving range and what is everyone talking about left and right? It's guns.

Pow pow. Guns. Pow Pow! Pew Pew!



My Experiences with Guns


Honestly, I don't give much of a crap about the darn things. They're cool and whatnot but I don't really get a kick out of these friggin' things.

Only time I ever shooted guns was at skeets a long long time ago, I shot a shotgun at skeets one time at some cottage and it was pretty cool. Skeets are those white things like in the third stage in Duck Hunt on NES.

 Skeets.

I admit guns can be cool and fun but, I don't know, I gotta say the fucking things are super fucking dangerous, man.

My other experiences with guns have only been video game related. The cool thing about video games is you can shoot guns but the only people that get hurt don't even exist....

Like, one time in Fallout 2, I was sick of dealing with all the mobster characters in New Reno and didn't want to do all their little mob shit ... so I just started fucking shooting all of them. It seemed like a good idea at first because me and my crew were just mowing those gangsters down like bowling pins in the Casino .. and there was like a hundred of those gangster guys and more of them were coming in from the street as backup ... but me and my crew were still fucking killing every single one of them that came at us...

... but then, one of my crew, that fucking idiot Marcus pulls out a god damn Gatling Gun and starts shooting up the Casino with that fucking Gatling Gun and he blows off all the limbs of one of the other guys from my crew (Vic) and I'm like....what the fuck, man? What's your problem?

So I reload the game from my last save, to try and kill all of the damned gangsters and whatnot ALL OVER AGAIN, but this time I go into that fucking bozo Marcus's inventory and take off his Gatling Gun so he doesn't fucking go full retard with it and kill all my other friends. Great, so again for the second time, I killed like 100 sweaty greasy gangsters ... and then out of nowhere that fucking Sulik pulls out a sub machine gun (that I don't even remember giving him) and starts shooting that fully automatic murder gadget like a maniac ... and he's set in the tactics options to "Stay Close to Me" as my bodyguard ... so this fucking crazy fool is "close to me" and is shooting off a god damn sub machine gun .... and guess what? He blows my fucking head off! GAME OVER. BAM.

New Reno - Da City Dat Neva Sleeps!

Fuck, gotta do it ALL OVER AGAIN, ok, great. Fine, here Sulik take the "Little Jesus" knife I stole off the dead body from that last Casino I "accidentally" shot up ... gimme that fucking sub machine gun ... you fucking moron! You stab people ok? Don't shoot them! Ok? Good. You're not SMART ENOUGH TO USE THIS WEAPON! FUCKER! OKAY!?

Alright so now Marcus was punching people with some electronic brass-knuckles (or some shit) and knocking sweaty gangsters around the Casino like some kinda Ball Room Blitz, and my boy Sulik is stabbing the fuck out of these greasy bastids with his red-handled knife ... and finally everything is hunky dory. Thank Goodness.

Look, I know an under-levelled Me shouldn't have been trying to kill all the gangsters in New Reno with just myself, Sulik, Vic, Cassidy, and Marcus ... but, man ... I didn't want to do all those lame fetch quests for these fucking crime fags. I just do the porn one and the Mike Tyson inspired one (and reload if he bites my ear off) ... and then kill all the gangsters in that fucking hell hole. It's not that hard, the thing that made it hard was.....

....MY OWN FUCKING FRIENDS KEPT KILLING ME BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO BE TRUSTED WITH A FUCKING FIRE ARM !!!!!

Dammit. I don't even have positive experiences with guns in fucking Video Games.

On a side note, I watched a video the other day where some European guy beats Fallout 4 without killing a single creature, now that's something man. That guy can't even bring himself to take a life in a make-believe reality where danger awaits you at every second of your journey through the wasteland. Damn, now that's a display of empathy, man. Someone should make that guy the next Pope ... because his heart must be filled with something very special if he can go through all of Fallout 4 without killing even one single mutated rat thing let alone take a video game human's life. Wow.


Yes, I'll Admit Guns are Pretty Cool...

Yo, one time, I was watching this movie ... Death Wish 4, starring Legend and Icon Mr. Charles Bronson ... and yo, there's a part in that movie that just floored me and made me laugh for like 5 straight minutes.

The scene is the following scene:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Haha, he blows that dude up with that grenade launcher in what can only be described as The Most Hilarious Way Possible. That movie is boring and bad ... and then out of nowhere ... that grenade launcher scene wakes you back up from your doze and just makes you start laughing like an animal.

Fuck.

Another time, I was watching this movie called Hard Ticket to Hawaii and this fucking skate-punk is giving the business to the good guys ... and man ... the good guy pulls one of these on that skate-punk piece of trash... look at this:

Ooooh man he must be smokin' some Heavy-Doobies....

Oh my gosh. Wow. Nothing like a missile launcher. Might as well blow up the blow-up doll too while your at it.

I'll be the first one to admit that guns are so fucking cool. I would have never remembered those two movies, Death Wish 4 and Hard Ticket to Hawaii if it wasn't for those incredibly filmed masterpiece- esque grenade launcher and missile launcher scenes. Those are cinematic creations that will live for eternity.

On the other hand....

Yes Guns are Pretty Cool, But let's Face it ... They Are Very Very Dangerous

I was looking at the stats that do exist for fire arm related accidents. Not even like deaths from fire arms on purpose with intent but just injuries and fatalities from ACCIDENTAL fire arm discharges and they aren't really pretty.

As a person who got his head blown off more times than he can count by Sulik and Marcus in Fallout 2 ... I can attest to the fact that, Yes indeed, friendly fire from fire arms is super fucking dangerous.

From all the statistics that have been recorded it shows that stray bullets and accidental discharges of weapons are pretty common.

In the hunting category alone, all government recorded and industry recorded stats tend to harmonize at about 1,000 injuries from hunting accidents and on average 100 of those accidents result in fatalities in the USA. Yes, one hundred people a year die from being shot by some idiot who doesn't know how to use a fucking gun. A hundred fucking people die a year on some dumb campin' trip up-north to shoot some fucking birds or rabbits or some woodland shit.

It's not just in video games that some Sulik or some Marcus accidentally blows their friends heads off while trying to kill something else. At least one hundred humans are killed each year from some dope trying to shoot down some dumb bird or some fucking thing.

That's just hunting accidents too. The other big branch of accidents stats is the in-home accidental firing of arms that result in injury and death. People have guns in the home for protection and there are indeed a couple of stories each year of heroes who fended off intruders from the home ... but ... those couple of stories a year are drowned out by the negative stories of guns in homes.

Having small children and deadly weapons in the house is a recipe for disaster. Kids can't even use a fucking stove without burning their stupid selves, they can't even jump on a bed without getting a fucking injury ... kids are dumber than shit .... and people want to have deadly firearms in the home whilst having the animal known as "children" in the home as well. That's fucking stupid.

If you synthesize all the lists of Industry reports, Government Reports, and Third Party reports ... the median statistic is about 50 kids a year die from accidental discharge of fire arms in US public homes. That's just children too ... that's not counting adults killed in accidental fire arm related deaths.

It's not a huge number, but still, fifty kids is still fifty kids. If you're a parent trying to "toddler-proof" your house to minimize factors/variables that can injure your child ... maybe not having a gun in the home would be on that list.

This is just accidents with no criminal intent. The criminal intent stats, I don't find as relevant, because they do fall under "People Kill People ... Guns Don't Kill People" ... a person with intent to murder someone is not the same category as "accidental discharges."

I don't feel the accidental deaths can be argued away with "PKP ... GDKP" ... because the variables which lead to death in gun accidents are the negligence of the person mixed with the dangerousness of the gun. A moron can't kill himself or his friend or his kid with a spoon or something ... but a moron CAN kill himself, his friend, or his kid with a gun.


Best Argument for the Pro-Gun Lobby: Cars

In all the Industry-related reports on gun accidents and gun deaths ... they seem to always play the numbers off against motor vehicle accidents to downplay the severity of gun deaths.

This is actually a good argument, because YES ... hundreds or thousands of accidental deaths from Guns don't look that crazy when you compare it to accidental deaths from motor vehicles.

Globally, adding up all the countries who record traffic related fatalities ... do you know how many people die from motor vehicle related accidents per year?

The WHO estimates ... 1.2 Million human beings die every year around the world from motor vehicles. That's more than some historic wars and that's every year!

The Gun Lobby is smart comparing gun accidents to motor vehicle accidents because the motor vehicle accidents do in fact DWARF gun related accidents.

Is it okay to say...

"Because more people die from cars and trucks ... we should not try to minimize gun related deaths?"

Personally, I don't think that's a smart statement. Why? Because we ARE trying to limit motor vehicle related accidents and just because a lot of people die from vehicles doesn't mean guns are safe.

Also, trucks ship goods and necessities and truck shipping is a NEEDED thing in life ... guns don't ship goods and necessities around the high ways. The only function guns have is shooting deers and thugs and shit. I don't think guns fall in the "necessary" category in today's world. Trucks? Yes, trucks do.

I respect guys like Elon Musk and those guys who champion the "self driving" vehicles because that invention has the potential to save many lives. Over a MILLION people die every year from human mistakes on the roads! The bottom line is ... Humans are TOO STUPID to be trusted with metal cubes which can be propelled up to 200 miles per hour! They are too stupid to be trusted with that!

A hundred years from now when driving vehicles on the highway system has been modified to the point where most of the driving is done by systematic and safe machinery ... we'll look back and be in SHOCK that over a million people a year died from stupid fucking cars! I can't wait for self-driving cars to push out human-driven cars ... because Humans are Retarded!

Just like you can't entrust a Gatling Gun to a guy like Marcus ...

...YOU CAN'T ENTRUST A MILITARY GRADE URBAN ASSAULT VEHICLE LIKE A HUMMER TO SOMEONE AS STUPID AS SAY.... LIZZIE FUCKING GRUBMAN!

As for guns? If Humans are too fucking stupid to be trusted with cars ... then why the fuck would we trust any Tom, Dick, or Harry to own a fucking GUN!?

At least with Cars you need some form of training before getting a driver's license ... but with guns ... any bozo can own one without any form of training. A guy can buy a fucking AK-47 100% legally and does not even require a mental health check or formal training to be allowed to own something that can kill about 100 people in less than thirty seconds.

The bottom line is, yes cars are way more dangerous than guns ... but at least smart people are trying to fix that. A hundred years from now people will laugh at us that we let moronic humans get behind the wheels of vehicles that travel over 100 miles per hour and are constantly close to colliding with one another.



Conclusion

I like the Barrack Obama, he make me cry when he cry. I respect the man's Manly Tears ... and I do not believe they are crocodile tears ... I think they were real tears. I don't think he was pulling those old lady church tears out ... I think they were genuine Man Tears.

As a rational guy, I do see the great argument by the gun lobby that gun accidents are NO WHERE NEAR motor vehicle accidents and therefore it can 100% be properly argued that cars are infinitely more dangerous than guns ... but ... I don't want to "join their team" so to speak.

The Pro-Gun people do weird shit... Like, they get equipped with AK-47s and go "occupy" a StarBucks. I mean, that shit doesn't make them look very sane and I would never want to be associated with whack-jobs like that.

So, if I had to either join the "gun reform" or "pro gun" team I think I'd join the "gun reform" team. The Pro Gun people need saner folks arguing their claims ... I think they have some good data ... especially the car shit to work with but these people fighting for their rights to own assault weapons and walking into coffee shops with loaded fucking assault weapons designed for front line Heavy Infantry use ... it makes them look like fucking crazy folks. Downright crazy folks. It does.

A lot of humans, as we can see from the 1.2 million global traffic deaths per year ... are too dumb to drive vehicles. Many of those same bozos are simply too dumb to own a machine designed for killing ... a gun.

As for gun deaths caused by law enforcement. I think a lot of less-urban places are behind in the times when it comes to Non Lethal Means. Tasers and other Non Lethal Means of incapacitating potential violent targets do indeed save lives and minimize wrongful termination of life.

Palette Cleanser: Let's Rate More Ernest Movies.

Getting heavy. Getting 2 heavy. The views stats are back up thanks to that last one. It's hard writing 'bout Heavy topics. It actually is.

It stress me out this shit, it do, writin' 'bout heavy shit and whatnot. Hey, you know my doctor? That Doctor Vinnie Boombatz? Yeah? Well, I was talking to him the other day and I was like....

"I tell ya doc the last week I was in rough shape. This week I'm okay but the last week? Ho oh, I was in rough shape. I tell ya doc... It's the pressure and this pressure is like a Heaviness and it's always on top of me this Heaviness. I mean other people wake up in the morning and they go "ok wow, it's a new day" .... but when I wake up the Heaviness is right there waiting for me .... and I say "Hello there Heaviness, how are you today?" and The Heaviness looks back at me it goes "Today you're gonna get it GOOD. You're gonna get The Heaviness GOOOD today!" 1

I don't wanna cover no heavy topics no more. Fuck that. I'm done with The Heaviness. I'm gonna stick to stuff that's fun from now on.... gonna do Science, Baseball, and Ernest related topics for the well for-see-able future. Fuck the Heaviness, man. I'm gonna stick to fun topics from now on.

Baseball, Science, and Ernest....

Hmmm, which topic? Let's see. I'm gonna do an Ernest one.

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 1 - Dangerfield, Rodney - "Heaviness" - Preformed at many Various Locations and Instances. (See: HERE for further information regarding "The Heaviness")

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More Ernest

I've written about Ernest on a semi-frequent basis. These ones:

The Long One: The Greatest Debate Still Rages On

Retraction made to that Piece: A Small Retraction Concerning Statements Made about Ernest

Ernest came up at length in this as well: The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most

Reviewing more Ernest movies, that seems like a good idea for this silly writing hobby. That's a fun mental exercise, I'd say. I'm gonna do just that...review some more Ernest movies.

All the good ones were done in the first article though. Like Camp, Jail, Scared, and Christmas were all covered already .... it's only the crappier ones that are left ... like School, Dunk, Africa, Army .... actually Dunk is a pretty decent flick and Army has its moments.

Maybe do like four. Let's do....

1. How's the Weather, Ernest?
2. Slam Dunk Ernest
3. Kung Fu Ernest 
4. Hail to the Ernest

Standard tournament bracket rules. The four films will square off and then two will advance to the finals and then one will be declared Best Ernest Film out of The Four Covered in this Article.



1. How's the Weather, Ernest?

Starring: Ernest, Lyman Ward, Jackée Harry, Gailard Sartain, and Bill Byrge.

Synopsis: Our favorite friend, Ernest, is a cameraman at a local Briarville channel 9 News Station. He enjoys his cameraman job but an undying aspiration to be a the local Briarville Weather Man burns in his heart and soul like a burning unquenchable tempest.

Luck would have it that on the tail end of one soft spring afternoon, the station's current weather man Welman St. Claire (portrayed by the always affable Lyman Ward) calls in sick at the last minute which leaves no one available to film the day's weather segment. Ernest is asked to do it but his shyness and timidness prevent him from taking the Weather Stage. The curt yet sophisticated anchor woman portrayed by actress Jackée Harry manages to instill a small amount of confidence in Ernest and convinces our loveable friend to fill in for Welman St. Claire and do the weather segment.

Ernest makes an on air gaffe so extreme and damaging to Channel Nine's image that they declare letting Ernest do the Weather as the worst mistake made in Channel Nine's entire history. The Channel 9 news team try and say nice things about him to help him keep his job but it proves to no avail as the Channel 9 big wigs promptly fire Ernest and inform him to clear out his personal possessions from the premises and leave...for good and for ever.

Ernest takes his time cleaning out his personal possessions and loading them into a beat up cardboard box... everyone says bye to him, tries to console him, and leaves ... Ernest sits alone in the dark office saying his last good bye to it .... when all of a sudden an alarm goes off on the Storm Tracker Accu-Cast weather program on the computer! It turns out a GIGANTIC STORM is approaching Missouri! Ernest springs into to action! He boots up the network and turns on the satellite to go LIVE ON THE AIR to inform everyone of the impending tornado and to activate the emergency broadcast system so all Briarville residents can find shelter and safety!

The Storm Tracker shows this storm will be historic in nature and may even destroy all of Briarville. Our Hero Ernest remembers something he learned in grade school concerning wind currents, that the center of the storm is massively hot, and decides to quell the tornado by strapping himself to a refrigerator and launching himself out of a cannon designed by Gailard Sartain and Bobby .... right into the storm to cool the center down and dissipate it (Note: The science applied to this scene makes no sense but it's just a movie).

Ernest and Gailard's plan succeed and Ernest is considered the Hero of Briarville and anointed as their Permanent Weather Man after the promotion of Welman St. Claire to co-anchor. Wow.

My Opinion: Definitely one of the better Ernest films of the era, I'd say. The action of the climax scene is surprisingly cool, the acting especially by Lyman Ward is actually top notch, and comedically both Ernest and Jackée Harrée are at their utmost finest.

The sadness scene after he is fired where he mopes around the office is touching, it is. It really is touching. I was touched. All in all one of the greatest Ernest Films of the Era, no doubt.

 



2. Slam Dunk Ernest

Starring: You know it, Ernest, Cylk Cozart, Miguel Nunez (that dude from the GREAT movie "Juwanna Mann"), and starring Basketball Royalty and Legend of Legends Mr. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Synopsis: Our man, Ernest, is a maintenance man at a local shopping mall but has the most golden of aspirations to be an NBA basketball star. He joins the mall's basketball team which plays in a local pick up league.

Sadly, Ernest is a terrible basketball player and his team mates don't really want him on the team. Yet, as luck would have it ... Our mainest of men Ernest is visited in the Night by an Angel (portrayed by Basketball Icon Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) who entrusts our good bud Ernest with an ancient relic in the form of sneakers which imbue ancient Basketball skills unto Ernest which transforms him into a Basketball Phenom and Super Star.

Ernest turns his mall team Clean Sweep into a juggernaut of basketball playing prowess thanks to the magical shoes ... but there is a catch to these shoes ... they are the devil's patch work ... they are but devil's make ... cobbled together by a demon in human skin known as Zamiel Moloch. As Ernest's skills grow thanks to the cursed shoes so does his arrogance. Ernest stops passing the ball to his teammates as he feels far superior in skill to them and feels he can win on his own without their help.

Mistrust grows further as the former star player of Clean Sweep's son renounces his father's teachings in regards to his basketball training in order to adopt Ernest's style of training which simply boils down to buying expensive looking shoes. The father played by Cylk Cozart tries to explain to his son that it takes hard work, dedication, and practice to become better at the art and science of Basketball yet his son has already gone to the dark side and is convinced basketball skills come from expensive shoes.

Clean Sweep is so good thanks to Ernest that they are invited to play the NBA team the Charlotte Hornets in an exhibition match. Ernest, however, has a crise-de-conscience as he knows he is only good due to the Sneakers and is sad that his team mates dislike him due to his insurmountable arrogance he has displayed towards them. He rids himself of the cursed shoes forged by the devilish Zamiel Moloch and resumes his status on Clean Sweep as bench warmer for the big game against the Hornets.

Will he score the big basket or be relegated to eternal human solitude for his arrogant ways? Only time will tell.

My Opinion: A very romantic film, a very simple romantic film of Basketball Good versus Basketball Evil. Film's turn out better when you keep them simple like this. The New Star Wars is a good movie because I think they went back to simple story telling instead of long-winded silly story telling.

Slam Dunk Ernest is a very straight shooting film that manages to be deeply introspective at times. Deeply basketballingly introspective ... that term sounds silly ... but it truly is deeply basketballingly introspective.




3. Kung Fu Ernest

Starring: Who Else? The Ernest, Jacklyn Wu, Norman D Golden II, and Bolo Yeung.

Synopsis: The Ernest of all things Earnest is a karate instructor at a local dojo where he teaches karate moves to young inner city kids. He dreams large though, he indeed dreams large. He has dreams of being a black belt karate champion known the world over.

Bolo. Bolo. Bolo.

Trouble and dilemma befall our hero as the state plans to cancel the inner city youth karate program and close the state funded dojo. One of the children, played by Norman D Golden the Second, refuses to let this turn of events unfold and looks for methods to stop the closure of the dojo. He finds an ad for a karate competition in the local paper and urges his sensei, The Venerable Ernest P. Worrell, who claims to be the Master of 36 Divine Karate Moves and 72 Earthly Kung Fu Moves to compete and use the prize money to operate the dojo.

Truth be told, Ernest was lying to the kids about his Mastery of the Karate and admits to being a fraud who just yells loud and does exaggerated chops but the boy won't believe it and Ernest is left with no other choice but to compete.

The tournament's stakes are high and many competitors are left injured to reigning champion Song-Wong Sung (played by the great man Bolo Yeung). Ernest is scared and claims his Auntie Nelda needs him to do some chores at home and attempts to flee the arena yet Sung calls him out and drags him to the arena to compete.

Can the Masterful Ernest win the day and defeat Song-Wong Sung or will all be lost ???

My Opinion: Top notch Ernest movie. He does well when he tries to pull off a Buffoon Badass Character which we previously saw in Ernest Scared Stupid. The Karate is surprisingly good too for a silly movie and the flips and stunts are top notch. The fighting is made to look pretty real and kids who watch this movie would genuinely find that entertaining.

All things considered, an above average Ernest film offering.



4. Hail to the Ernest

Starring: Guess Who? Ernest of course, Morton Downey Jr, Judy Tenuta, Sam MacMurray, and Gailard Sartain.

Synopsis: Ernest and his best buddy Vernon are sitting and watching television when a campaign ad comes on for Congressman Preston Best (portrayed by the Dastardly Morton Downey Jr.) who is running to be President of the United States of America. Ernest starts talking to Vernon about how silly this dufus is and makes a joke to Vern (who by the way is never shown on screen and is always off camera) that "runnin' for that president looks easy as pie, Vern" and then the camera nods up and down to simulate Vern nodding in agreement. The audience can't hear Vern's response (for unknown reasons) yet Ernest replies to the unheard response with "Really, Vern? You think so? You think your ol' buddy Ernest could be a President? No kiddin' Vern?" and again the camera goes up and down to simulate Vern saying "Yes" to Ernest's query.

Gee Vern, I sure would love to be President

Ernest amasses the necessarily signatures to apply to run for President and formally submits his application. Our good buddy Ernest quickly realizes that "runnin' for that President" is actually quite easy. He doesn't know it but it turns out a good portion of the voters are either just as smart or less smart than Ernest and he wins all of these voters over in a matter of weeks thanks to his silly behavior that is seen as relatable to by the voting public at large. For example when asked what he'd do about "illegals" coming over the boarder ... Ernest replies that he'd build a wall around the boarder ... but he really didn't even understand the question to begin with and had no idea they were asking him about people.... he thought illegals meant like rabbits or deers or some critter of that nature.

Trouble is on the horizon for our most favorite friend Ernest as Congressman Best becomes infuriated that Ernest is STEALING his low education voter core from him in this Presidential election. Preston Best goes on the offensive and starts saying even STUPIDER things than Ernest is saying in order to win the American populace back on his side. The Presidential race quickly devolves into a Stupidity Contest and Preston Best slowly inches into the lead.

Trouble doubles over for Ernest when Best invites him to his mansion and informs Ernest that if he doesn't pull out of this Stupidity Contest then his financial backer of the Krader Corporation (played by Sam MacMurray) will leave no stone unturned in order to de-rail the Ernest Train that is sweeping America.

Ernest formally announces he is pulling himself out of the race over fears instilled in him by Best and Krader Corp. and he returns home to sulk ... yet his sulking is interrupted by a knock on his door ... it is investigative reporter and talented accordion player Olga Reinheart (played by the always upbeat and likeable Judy Tenuta). Reinhart has amassed a massive file of dirt on Best and Krader company over the years and wants to present it to our greatest pal Ernest.

Ernest is renewed with vigor to fulfill his dream of bein' a President and together with Reinheart rent out a concert hall where they sing a duet (Ernest singing while Reinheart accompanies on accordion) in the tune of Yankee Doodle but the lyrics are details of crimes that Krader Corporation and Best have committed over the last decade while Best was a congressman. The public is then won over by Ernest.

Ernest is elected President of the United States of America with Olga Reinheart as Vice-President.

My Opinion: This film isn't that great, Ernest and Tenuta have good chemistry though. Downey and MacMurray are GREAT as villains but it never really gets that Ernest Oomph going that most Ernest films generate.

It's eerie to re-watch this film nowadays because back then it was a comedy to have Jim Varney and Morton Downey Jr. having a Stupidity Contest in order to crown the next President of America .... but if you watch the current real life Presidential Race in real life right now ... it's just eerie. Re-Watching Hail to the Ernest in 2016 .... it feels more like this film is a Chilling Look Into the Crystal Ball of a Possible Future of Post 90s America more so than a 1990 comedy film. There's so many similarities that I even suspect that some candidates like Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Ben Carson and others have not only seen this obscure film ... but have copied and plagiarized large chunks of it.

All in all a decent Ernest movie but eerie to Re-Watch in regards to the current political climate in which one can draw too many obvious similarities to.


Conclusion

Out of these four selections out of the tapestry of magic in which encapsulates Ernest film Lore ... I'd say Slam Dunk Ernest is the best of the four.

I think, as we've seen in the New Stars Wars movie (fuck you Kylo Ren, by the way, you're a jabroni, a huge one), that simple story telling isn't a bad way to go with story. You don't have to jazz up your shtick with too much complicated crap.... Slam Dunk Ernest is a story of good versus evil ... of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar versus Zamiel Moloch ...

When good battles evil ... which side do you believe wins in the End?