Short Stories over the decades:

The Swamp-
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The Journey
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

And,
The Ballad of Turkey

And, added to that list has recently been:
Lights Out.......

As Well as....
The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs and The Thrilling Conclusion to that story!!

Oh and let's add to the list: The Haunted House
Vol. I
Vol. II

New One: *NEW* A Spring Story *NEW*
Vol. II

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Short Story: The Swamp

My book isn't going well. I gave up on it. I only know like essay-esque styles. Fiction is hard, it is. I tried to branch out and do movie writin' a few years back. I remember one was called The Rick Cerone Story and one was called The Diarrhea Tree. Re-reading them ... they're okay I guess. I'm still not trained at fiction writings though.

This One: Script 1
That One: Script 2

I'm gonna try and start smaller with fiction. Gonna write a couple shorties. This first one I did tonight is called .... "The Swamp."

What's it about? Well ... I guess you'll have to read on to find out.



The Swamp
-A short story by D. 





1

... and they saw me walk away. Walk away from it all. The fame. The glory. Everything.

Where did I go? Well that's hard to say. Some people tell me I can never escape the past and I'm still there in those swamps ... but I know better. I'm just an old sack of saw dust now a days ... but back then? I was really Someone.

It all started the day Weston died. He told me, "Jake .... you can't turn your back on those people ... they need ya."

Weston was a good man, he knew life inside and out ... and I knew he meant what he said that day. That day that he died. He meant every damned last word of it. And me? Did I care? No. Did I even pretend to care? No, I did not. I could have cared less about that dying old man's words of wisdom. To me they were worth less than dirt. Filthy rotten dirt.

I turned my back on those people because I had to, or so I thought at the time. I buried Weston and read all the proper rites ... he told me he was Christian once ... so I read him some Christian rites over his dusty old hole which would forever be his final destination on his road of life.

My road of life is only beginning .... it began that day I turned my back on it all. On Everything.




2

What did Weston mean ... that they "needed" me those people. What did he mean? They were all good folk and they didn't need an old hired ranch hand like me. How could they have? My boots 'aint even worth a red cent, not even a cent. My hands are all crippled and in pain. My back sure is not what it used to be. What did they need a dusty old ranchman like me in that swamp ... they didn't even have livestock in that swamp ... unless ya count fish and water fowl as livestock ... which I don't.

That Weston sure was a character. All those people in the swamp were ... now that I think about it. Characters the whole bunch of 'em. Characters.

There was Reggie. Me and him got along plenty fine. He wasn't a character as much as he was a compadre and amigo. Black fella. Trustworthy as humans come.

And Huang Si, Chinese fella. Didn't know too much karate ... but that's okay. He didn't need it much in the swamp anyhow... all anyone needed in that swamp was a couple of hardworking hands and ethic. An ethic that we all lived by. The Code.

Gertrude ran the bar. Nice lady. Spoke well.

Weston .... that old goat. Bad ticker. Breathed poorly ... and smelled. Smelled of tabaccy. But I liked 'em. Nice guy.

Weston. That swamp woulda fell apart without him. He knew that swamp like the back of his hand .... but only because he tatooed a map of the swamp to it, that is. He knew all the brooks and brannies of that filthy ol' swamp ... all the ways in ... and all the ways out. He knew where all the ducks hung out ... so he could shoot 'em and eat 'em whenever he wanted.

I knew that swamp like the back of my hand too now that I think about it ... and I didn't even have a map of it inked on my hand. I knew it from smarts, just plain old smarts.

Damnit Weston. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. Were you right? Naw .... the swamp is better off without me. I'm the one who brought them there. They followed MY scent somehow those things. They followed my scent or maybe it was my heat. Maybe they followed my heat. Either way it don't matter ... all that matters ... is that the swamp is better off without me.

Reggie told me once ... "The only way I'll ever leave the swamp is if the swamp leaves me."

Well, I'm sorry Reggie, it's sad to say but that swamp is as good as gone. Our home. It's on its last legs, Reg. Its last legs.....





3

I turned back to look at it. The Swamp .... it's almost out of sight now ... all I can see is the restaurant boat. Yup, a restaurant on a boat ... 'aint that something. God damnit I miss the swamp. Ya just hook up your motor boat to the restaurant boat and ol' Moms Yeager would set you up with all the fixins and swamp watta you can sink your hands into.

I remember when me n' Reg first found the swamp ... we loved that boat restaurant. We loved it more than anything in this world. It was a restaurant ... on a boat. It was really something else.

I ate there every day. Eatin' fixins n' drinkin' swamp watta, daddy-o ... that was me. Now as I look at it, the last visible piece of the swamp hoverin' over the horizon, I'm startin' think maybe Weston was right ... maybe those people really did "need" me.

Can they fend them off? Reg is a big guy ... and Huang Si knows a bit of ol' karate ... I'm sure they'll be okay. Right?
Gertrude's got that stick thing ... with the blade thing on it. She could probably fend some of them off. She's a tough gal. Yeah ... they'll be alright.

Better keep walking ... walking away from that swamp .... away from my Home that I Love.




4


I played the best concert of my life in that swamp ... me on guitar, n' Reg on bass, n' Huang Si on drums. It was the best performance of my life.

H-Si had a way about him on those drums. His set up was pretty elaborate for a swamp band. He even mad a microphone on the kit so he could sing some back up vocals. He didn't do much singing ... he'd do some though ... here and there.

When we'd cover Walk the Dinosaur, usually midway into the set, H-Si would do the "Boom Boom - Chaka Laka - Boom Boom" part and then me n' Reg would sing the "Open da door - get on the floor - NOW EVERYBODY WALK THE DINOSAUR!" part ... and the crowd really enjoyed that number. They really enjoyed that number, the crowd.

Everyone would bring their motor boats up to the stage and tie 'em to the posts and watch the concert from their motor boats n' drink crystal clear sweet swamp water ... that's what they did.

Man ... I miss the swamp. They'll .... they'll be fine without me. Won't they?

I don't know.




5

"YOU BROUGHT THEM HERE, YOU GREASY SON OF A SAILOR!"

That's what Moms Yeager yelled at me that day. That day the monsters came to the swamp.

"I TOLD YOU TA NEVVA GO INTO THAT WATERY CAVE UP ON THE NORTH SIDE OF THE SWAMP! THERE'S MONSTERS IN THAT CAVE ... YOU DUMB IDIOT!"

She was right. There was monsters in that cave. Swamp Monsters. And they followed me back to the swamp with their noses or maybe they have like heat sensing tendrils of something ... maybe they were following my heat with their tendrils ... y'know? I don't know. I really don't.

Alls I know is ... is that I am the one that they followed to the swamp after I disobeyed Moms Yeager's aged wisdom and went a spelunkin' yonder in that damp ol' watery cave on the northern side of the swamp.

Moms wasn't the only person of the swamp to chew me out something fierce that morning. Gerdie, Huang Si ... and even Reg...

"It don't matter if it was your smell OR your HEAT. Those filthy swamp monsters are in the swamp now ... and it's YOUR FAULT man," Reggie told me.

Huang Si told me to take ol' Weston away from the swamp. Weston was too old for this shit. He was much too old to be fightin' swamp monsters.

"Take the best of the motor boats and bring old Weston up to the eastern road ... he can make his way into Humphrey town by that yonder way," is what Huang Si instructed me to do.

And I did.

Until old Weston had a heart attack from all the excitement and just conked out on the east road into Humphrey town.

Now I'm just standing here, on old Eastern Road .... looking at a dead Weston.




6

I wasn't stinky that day. I wasn't overly hot that day. God damn it. How did those filthy watery monsters follow me from that cave all the way back to the swamp? It makes no sense. It makes absolutely no sense.

Wait.

Those big swampy monster ears. Could it all have been sound? God damnit! I was humming the whole way home! They followed my NOISE back to the swamp. God damn those filthy swamp monsters from that damp swampy cave!

I can't turn my back on the swamp. Weston was right. Those people DO NEED ME. Gertrude, n' Huang Si, n' Moms, n' Reggie ... they all need me back there .... BACK THERE FIGHTING THOSE SWAMP MONSTERS!

If those horrible wet monsters like my humming so much to follow me back to the swamp like that ... then maybe I need to put on a show for those slimy sons of sailors. I'm going back.

... to the Swamp.




7

I ran back down Eastern road back to the dock and jumped into our best motor boat and revved it up full power and made a bee line back to the swamp. I hitched the motor boat to the dock where we keep the drum kit and the amps for our guitars.

I jumped out of the boat and plugged my electric guitar into the amp .... I picked up that guitar and started to PLAY! I played my heart out on that guitar and its powerful rock and roll waves blasted throughout the entire Swamp.

BA NEEEEEEEEER NA NEEEEEEEEEER! NEEEER NA NA NEEEEEEEER! BA NEEEEEEEEER NEEER NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

All my brethren and sistren who were fending off multitudes of swampy monsters lifted their heads and saw me blaring out hot licks on my guitar!

"It's Jake! He's back!" Cried Reggie.

"Damn it Jake! Is Weston okay?" asked Huang Si.

"Naw, he died of a heart attack. Ol' West died on the East before we got to Humphrey." I said.

"God damnit you stupid fool, it's not the time to be playing that infernal racket! Fight these swampy bastids with us!" exclaimed Moms Yeager at me.

"I am Moms. I AM FIGHTING! Look!" I responded in a frenzy while playing my electric guitar.

As I directed the denizens of the swamp to look at the swampy monsters ... they saw them covering their dirty ear holes and scurrying about like a buncha crazy critters!

"Look at them go!" yelled Huang Si.

"So it wasn't smell or heat ... it was NOISE" said Reggie whilst nodding.

I know with my broken up hands and my bad back that I couldn't be much help in this fight for the sanctity of our beautiful swamp ... but I still got my smarts, daddy-o. I still got my smarts.

"They're all running away ... except for that big one!" cried Gertrude in a fever heat.

"God damnit ... that's the biggest swamp monster I ever seen!" said Reggie.

"That's the way these swamp monsters swarm, there's always a hundred little bastids who just do the swarmin' n' monkey fightin', but then behind them is always the big one," explained Moms Yeager.

"I 'aint worried Mama, with my strength, Huang Si's basic knowledge of Chinese Karate, Gertrude's stick thang with the knife thang taped on it .... and Jake's tactical knowledge of the layout of the swamp ... there's no way in HELL that swamp monster can best us ... the PEOPLE OF THE SWAMP!" proclaimed Reggie with the will of a champion.

...and he was right. With my tactical knowledge of the layout of the swamp ... that I know like the back of my hand .... we could do this. We could win. Not only that but for the first time I understood what Weston was trying to say.

I really was needed at this Swamp. Thank you for convincing me of that, ol' West.




8

Now I'm back at the Swamp ... where I belong ... and now it's time me to ... SHINE.

I proclaimed with renewed vigor....

"Moms! Use your broom stick! Bang it against Huang Si's gong that he brought from China! Make as much noise as possible to drive the remaining swamp bastards outta the swamp and back to their filthy cave!"

"Reggie! Gertrude! Huang Si! Set fires near the north, east, and west waterways so that big boss monster can't see those escape routes!"

"I'm going to the South waterway in our best motor boat! Everyone meet me there in 10 minutes ... and Gerdie ... bring your stick thing that has the knife on it!"

"YEAH"!


(Everybody Walks the Dinosaur begins slowly playing .... slowly getting louder and louder whilst they execute their counter-plan on the swampy monsters)

As everyone assembled at the South Water Way I continued orchestrating my battle plans....

"Alright is everyone here at the South Way! Good. Gerdie ... run up to that big dope and wave your knife stick at 'im all exagerated-like!"

Gertrude readied her 4 foot long stick with the knife taped to it and began swinging it about the air ceremoniously ... which appeared to either impress or frighten the Large Swamp Monster.

"Reggie ... get behind Gerdie and get ready to fight that thing mano-y-mano my brotha! Huang Si .... you get behind Reggie and conceal yourself behind him as so the swamp monster cannot see you!"

Gerdie executed a feint with her makeshift spear and then dispersed and retreated ... right on cue dependable Reggie was right behind her with his dukes up ready to fight the large boss swamp monster one on one with his adequate boxing ability. All the while ... Huang Si was lying in ambush behind the gigantic Reggie .... and the swamp monster was none the wiser as he could not see H-Si.

"Now! Reg! Duck, evade, n' scurry ... then skedaddle! When the monster tries to move in on Reg while his guard is momentarily down ... Huang Si .... spring out and ambush it with a powerful Chinese Karate Kick!!!"

(Everybody Walk the Dinosaur starts getting much much louder)

"HIGH! YAAAAA! BICYCLE KICK!" screeched Huang Si at the top of his lungs as he lunged his front foot at the monster's head.

The blow connected and the large swamp monster was visibly damaged by the high flyin' aerial assault of Huang Si ... but the marauding monster gradually gathered back its composure and continued his advance on the swampateers.

"God Damnit! That sonnafa sailor is still standin'!?" Exclaimed Gertrude in an alarming clamor.

Is this the end for our stalwart swamp heroes? Only time will tell. It seems they have gone from the fryin' pan and straight into the fire, daddy-o ... like a coupla dirty brine shrimps.





9

The ravenous swamp monster had eyes like iron rods, it was slimy and dirty like a pound of kettle fish, and had teeth the size of nails. It was coming right for our intrepid bayou billies and it had only one thing on its slimy swampy mind .... Murder.

Good thing I had a little more to my brilliant strategy then I had let on.

"NOW MOMS YEAGER! NOW" I YELLED.

Right then, as quick as a flume, Moms Yeager rose from her secret motor boat hitched to an old stump near the big red buoy ... and threw a pot full of rotten milk n' rotten cheese all over that slimy son of a sailor monster!

As the monster stood there covered in rotten milk n' rotten cheese ... I felt with victory in this engagement 100% ensured ... I could finally divulge my fail proof stratagem with this slimy monster. I don't rightfully know if it can understand human speak .... but for ol' Weston's sake ... I feel as if this monster deserves to know why it lost.

"Well, Mr. Monster. Do you rightfully know why I lured you to this southern waterway? It happens that we here in this here swamp like to refer to this inlet as Rodent Trench. This is where all the beavers, n' badgers, n' rats like to gather and scavenge for food ... and you Mr. Monster ... standing there all covered in rotten milk n' rotten cheese ... probably sure as sam must look mighty appetizin' to a myriad of hungry scavenging buck tooth rodents ... you reckon, Mr. Monster?"

It just looked at me ... like I was speakin' in tongues .... but as sure as the rain is clean .... and as sure as the night is brisk ... those saw-toothed filthy rodents of Rodent Trench covered that monster from head to toe like a buncha kids scurrying to a christmas tree on christmas ... boy did those beavers n' badgers n' rats chew up that slimy swampy monster. It was a sight to behold.

It's times like this I wish ol' Weston were still alive to experience things and see things with his gimpy bloodshot eyes. If he were still alive and he looked on this gigantic monster ... all covered in filthy rodents ... and being chewed alive ... I wonder what he'd say.

Just then I felt a cold wind hit my back .... and a smooth whisper hit the back of my ear.

....."Ya see that, Jake. I told you they needed you."






And thus concludes, "The Swamp."

Friday, December 15, 2017

Calestous Juma

Calestous Juma died today. He was a very interesting and smart man.

I had quotes of his in an article I wrote a while back called "Food":
(this one: https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.ca/2015/11/food.html)

He was a writer, educator, and prolific user of twitter. No stranger to math and science his world view was pretty based in reality. In his books and articles he covered African development issues.

Africa is a part of the world most people who don't live there know very little about. If you ask someone on the street about various African countries they'd probably tell you that it's very poor, dangerous, and bad there ... but that's not really true. The African continent has come a long way in the last hundred years and it has a lot of potential for growth to become a very healthy economy.

Juma's final article was a recommendation for a Pan-African trade agreement.

(This One: When it Comes to Trade, Africa really Should be a Country)

It's not an easy undertaking as borders of Africa after World War 2 were drawn up by mediators at random and internal conflict is rife in Africa.

It's fun to read the writings of people with big dreams ... It's really sad he died ... he was like one of those people who really seemed to have a positive outlook on the world and how to make it a better place.

Africa has a lot of potential to be a healthy and prosperous entity. Last article we talked about Age Pyramids in this blog a bit ... when it comes to Age Demographics, Africa is one of the only places on earth where Young People outnumber Old People by a huge margin. Take Nigeria for example ...


Nigeria already has a 405 billion GDP (27th out of 194 countries worldwide), which is pretty good, and it has a very young well educated force of young people coming into adulthood. It's potential for economic health is A+.

Remote regions in Africa is a big issue they have to deal with as they have hubs here and there like Nigeria and half a dozen others that are decent economies with great potential ... but lack of continental-wide roads and infrastructure has kept this progress out of remoter regions.

But with PIDA PAPA 2020, and PIDA 2040 ... it seems a lot of projects are on their way to try and remedy this problem.

PIDA, See: https://www.afdb.org/fileadmin/uploads/afdb/Documents/Project-and-Operations/PIDA%20note%20English%20for%20web%200208.pdf

Connecting these hubs with roads, rails, energy lines, pipe lines, and internet is already being planned to be implemented.

Seems like Africa by 2040 will be a pretty healthy economic region. Scientist, Statistician, and Innovator Calestous Juma was a catalyst and advocate for this and it is a shame he won't be here to see it come to fruition.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

The Most Biggest Statistic of the Age: The Blippeninest of Blips

Last article was Baseball stuff, lots and lots of stats in those articles all the time. Me? I love numbers, baby.

A ways back, when I wrote a Rest in Peace article for the statistician Rosling, H.,

(this article: https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.ca/2017/02/hans-rosling.html)


I was thinking that, for me, statistics started with O-Pee-Chee baseball cards and that really formed a love of stats for me. As you get older you start to apply this to other topics/fields in life. A statistical and rational based world view is a pretty good mental home base for a human being, I believe.

Once you have that base-setting world-view it starts to apply itself to other areas on its own I think.

I did an article I remember, around the Canadian election, that was a very stat-based look at the situation,

(this article: https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.ca/2015/08/do-young-canadians-have-to-care-about.html)


There my point was that the 18-35 election demographic in Canada is so small that it is a niche market that no one needs to pander to in hopes of cajoling votes for their respective party.

What is interesting, and what today's topic is, is that this situation of Young People not Mattering in Elections is NOT the case for our neighbors to the south ... the good ol' United States of America. Young People in those demographics are a huge factor.

The following information is one of the most concrete displays of why the deeply polarizing political ideological wars are tearing up (and in my opinion RUINING) the internet....

This is the Age Demographics of the United States of America:


If you're new to stats and stuff, this chart is showing a pyramid of what age groups there are in the United States. The column on the left is Age and the thickness of the block is how many people there are of that age.

Can you see what I see? The 23 to 27 age group is the MOST LARGEST in the UNITED STATES! I never would have guessed that to be honest.  Do you see the dark blue extending off the end of the blue block for 25 years olds? That how many more boys there are than girls .... there's A LOT of people in their mid twenties in the ol' United States and there's a decent amount more Males than Females in that Demographic.

Did you notice something else about this beautiful info graphic? The second biggest blip in that block stack is 55 years olds .... baby boomers .... and they are aging and dying. They are climbing up that skinny funnel to 100 years old and the ol' diner in the sky, it's a sad story. It's a sad story.

In political terms though .... these two situations translate to political engineers/strategists as... "Hey, we're losing our aging fan base to the tests of time ... looks like were' gonna need a new fan base!"

As of now those mid twenty year olds don't give a fuck about dirty dumb politics. They are out rocking, rollocking, rock-n-rolling, and rip-rap-scooby-doo-boppin, they don't have time for caring about politics. But, those 25 year olds are all gonna turn thirty, feel all old and shit, and start to all of sudden become pretty political and start votin' like nuts.

Out with the old in with the new, as the old saying goes, ol' friend.


The Battle for the YOUTH of AMERICA

So, there's basically a long weird battle being fought to win over that meaty demographic of Americans aged 20 to 29 right now. When you understand this, a lot of the current political climate, I mean a lot, starts making a fuck-ton of sense.

Where does this age group attain information? Where do they congregate their ideas on politics? Where do they spend half of their waking hours with their eyes fixated to?

The answer to all those questions, ol' friend, is ... The Internet.

All political parties want to bring politics to this demographic whether they want it or not. Political advertising on the Internet has become a billion dollar industry. Many parties and organizations are fighting for the minds of the Youth of America. If you ask me, the war over the minds of America's meatiest demographic on the internet ... is getting ugly, stupid, and annoying. Annoying as fuck.

All internet venues have been deeply politicized. All of them. Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and everything else. It's politics city on the internet now a days. It never used to be like this. Politic sites on the internet used to be laughed at as the babblings of old people and of whackoes ... now you can barely even have a scrap-booking blog or cooking-recipes blog without having to take some sort of side in the ideological war being dredged out.


Meet the New Ideological War ... Same as the Old One

America surprisingly hasn't changed much in 30 years.

Those baby boomer fifty-fivers? If they grew up in a big multi-cultural city and have had friends of different ethnicity since they were small children ... there's a good chance they are "Liberal" or "Democrat" or "Left Leaning."

Those other baby boomer fifty fivers? The ones who grew up in a smaller rural area and lived a more secluded life from other ethnicities and different ideas? Chances are they are "Conservative" or "Republican" or "Right Leaning."

This is no different than the current 20-29 age group. The same divide exists there. Thirty years didn't close the gap very much and synthesize the two polarized entities. The 20-29 year old meaty demo still adheres to this basic split.

The current amazingly all-invasive on all-platforms ideological war over the minds of those 20-29 still use the same basic plot points as was used in the battle for the fifty-fivers. The talking points and plot lines are woven of the same old wool ... the same old cloth, old friend. The same old cloth.

To watch it play out on the Internet, as a passive foreign (I'm Canadian) observer, I think it's one of the ugliest things I've ever seen. It's vicious this ideological war over the fragile minds of America's Youth. It is.

It gets worse though.

As we've seen with those Facebook Russia news stories, foreign actors are trying their best to pull the horses of polarization in both directions. The interesting thing about those Russian fake accounts on Social Media reports ... is that Russia, and other foreign actors ... don't seem to care much about which side wins .... they just care about splitting the division as far as it can possibly go.

The Russian backed fake accounts were on both sides of the political spectrum ... and in all cases were on EXTREME ends. The accounts ranged from white nationalism, to arab terrorism, to black nationalism, and things of that extreme nature. One thing they all had in common was conspiracy theories and other garbage of that nature.

Now ask why? Why do foreign actors not care who wins this polarized war of the minds of America's Tommorow? Why? Because they know a weak America ... is a DIVIDED America. Plain and simple. They don't care who wins this silly little war ... they just want to tie ropes to horses, bulls, oxen, and try to pull each side apart as far as it can go ... like some sort of big dumb dirty Russian rectum stretcher.



What's The Take Away?

Alright, let's sum up, old friend...


1) America's meatiest Demo is aging and going to that ol' gas station in the ol' sky.

2) America's newest meatiest Demo is 20 to 29.

3) There's an extended and very annoying battle for the minds of America's 20 to 29 year olds being waged on all venues of the internet.


4) The battle is a familiar one that aims to cajole the minds of America's youth into a certain fan base.

5) Foreign parties are trying to deepen the depth of the wedge of the divide ... like some sort of gross Russian Rectum Stretcher.


Look, America, it's the Christmas / Holiday Season coming up ... the greatest time of the year. I know, America's 20-29 years olds, that there's a big internet war going on to stretch your mind out ... but you gotta keep your mind tight, old friend.

As for all of you narrative dealers, and scurvy poli-trick-or-treaters .... can you for ONE MONTH just please, please, please, PLEASE ... stop ruining the friggin' internet? Please.

America's Youth, listen, this is the beautifulest time of the year ... and I know there's horses and bulls and snakes and fire-ants and oxen pulling at the heart strings of your human mind everywhere you look .... but your mind can only stretch so far .... so take a break and put a little love in your heart, old friend.


Peace out n' Keep Your Mind Tight, America.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

"Modern Baseball Era" Players for Hall of Fame - A Hypothetical Ballot

I followed the Hall of Fame voting in Baseball's Hall of Fame for many years and wrote various essays on different topics related to that over the last ... well ... since I started writing essays for fun online back in 2011.

Tim Raines - The Legend
I used to do every year at this time a "Tim Raines for the Hall of Fame" essay .... it was like a winter tradition.

Now Tim Raines is in the Hall of Fame, so, I guess that tradition can be laid to rest. Which is good because I ran out of material at one point and wrote about all kinds of Rocks once.

I had other ones too. I did a hypothetical hall of fame ballot one year, as if I had a vote, how I'd vote. Which was fun. Hall of Fame votin' time is a magical time, indeed.

Baseball's legend Al Oliver tweeted something the other day that helps explain why this season, Hall of Fame votin' season, is so magical ... he said:

"...THIS IS AMERICA.RIGHT-WRONG OR INDIFFERENT. EVERYONE HAS THEIR THOUGHTS."
- AL OLIVER (BASEBALL ICON)

(Source: https://twitter.com/Alscoop16/status/934593747412836352)

Baseball History is pretty rich if you ask me ... and that is the reason why Hall of Fame votin' Time is so wondrous and full of glee. Right, Wrong, or, Indifferent, everyone has the right to state their opinions. You don't need a Baseball Writers Association of America seat on some committee or some position of authority to have a voice. All baseball fans have their thoughts, their memories, their opinions ... and that's great.

If you grew up in one city you might have a very different view on who's a Hall of Famer than that of someone who grew up in another city. Everyone's seen different things, heard different things, felt different things, over the course of their lives ... and it's when all those voices meet that we begin to paint a very vivid picture of consensus.

Democracy may not be easy, democracy may not be fun all the time ... democracy might be a winding road of thorns n' brambles when you least want it to be .... but it's what we got ... and even if you're right, or even if you're wrong, what's important is that you participated and let your opinions, thoughts, and feelings be known.

Al Oliver is right. I may not be a big time guru of baseball, or the crowned prince of analytics, or the grand daddy of what's right .... but that doesn't matter ... if I feel like writing a Hypothetical Ballot of my thoughts on the Modern Baseball Era players under consideration for the hall of fame then that's what I'm gonna do ... and if you wanna read it ... then, hey, that's great too.


The "Modern Baseball" List

Baseball in 2016, divided up History in a manner I find interesting. They cut up baseball history into Four chunks. They are:

"Early Baseball" (colloquially oft referred to as the "Dead Ball" era)
Ranges from: 1871 to 1949

"Golden Days" (I like this term it's very Bruce Srpingtseeny)
Ranges from: 1950 to 1969

"Modern Baseball" (I'm guessing the period following was the Post-Modern period)
Ranges from: 1970 to 1987

"Today's Game" (The Game played Today)
Ranges from: 1988 to a time called Right Now


I think it's an interesting sectioning-off of chronology ... some of the cutoffs seem sort of arbitrary but that's okay. They have to keep it professional, obviously, being the official arbitrator of Baseball History, but I think a completely colloquial categorization would be something more like this:

"Dead Ball Era"
0 (beginning of baseball is debated so I'll call the beginning "Zero") to 1919.

This era is before they had real gloves even. Stats from this era are never counted as official because the records are sketchy and not defined. For example a "stolen base" could have been anything from advancing on an error to legging out an extra base on a ball hit into the gap. Stats mean very little from this era due to inconsistencies.


"Glory Days"
From 1920 to 1959



I like the Springsteenian denotation of "Golden Days" but I'm gonna Springsteen it up a notch to Glory Days. This is the Babe Ruth era you'd call it ... where baseball had its first mega like superstar of behemoth proportions. Babe Ruth was more than just the "face" of the game ... he basically was the game for a brief portion of time.

People have to look at some of the parks from this era when considering the stats. Like Ebbets Field for example was 297 feet out in right field corner. Like, some parks didn't even require 300 feet for a home run which explains a lot of the offensive stats from this era.


"The Big Time"
From 1960 to 1994.

The game became very popular after the Glory Days, everyone wanted a piece of the pie. The fiscal and money parts of the game expanded. Revenue, expenditures, wages, etc. all went up big time. The game was no longer a beautiful little pass time but a Super Popular Mega Attraction. Stadiums went from 15,000 seats to some as large as 50,000 seats.

In 1981 Wrigley bubble gum sold the Cubs to Tribune (WGN, etc.) and thus the first media conglomerate owned a baseball team. To under score this in history is a great miscalculation. Radio, TV, and advertising all became intertwined with the game. Baseball went from penauts and cracker jacks to Mass Media. One 15 second Coca Cola commercial could net a team more money than selling out a stadium.


"Steroid Era"
From 1995 to 2010

Coming out of the strike which hurt relations with the fans ... efforts were made to make baseball the Big Thing again and homeruns was where they wanted to go with it. Whether it was the balls being altered, the weird concoction of chemicals players were altering themselves with, or a combination of both ... people hit a lot of homers in this era.

The average fans love this era and see it as like the most exciting era of baseball ever but a lot of historians aren't fond of this era at all. They believe it turned baseball into a freak show and damaged the reputation of the game. Records didn't mean anything anymore they felt.

A lot of players from this era, some of them HUGE NAMES, are having trouble making the baseball Hall of Fame due to the negative stigma this era carries.


"Present Era"
From 2011 to Now.

Self explanatory. Offense is back up now after being down for about 5 years. People suggest the balls are being whacked up again or something. Either way baseball now is pretty A-Okay.




That's how'd I'd section up baseball history. But, that's not really here or nor there, really. Just a bonus opinion.

The Hall of Fame committee will vote on players who missed entry to the Hall from various eras in upcoming years. Early Baseball will be perused over in 2020, Golden Days will perused in 2020 and 2025, while Modern Baseball will get perused often in 2017, 2019, 2020, and 2025.

So guys like Dick Allen, Mike Marshall, Jim Kaat,  Al Oliver and others will get a chance again in 2020 ... that's a ways off. The "Modern Era Ballot" is being debated early and often it looks like. The names on said list are the following:

Steve Garvey
Tommy John 
Luis Tiant
Don Mattingly
Jack Morris
Dale Murphy
Dave Parker
Ted Simmons
Alan Trammell

There's two names on that list that seem more oriented for the "Golden Days" list ... I mean Tiant and Tommy John were bigger in the 60s and 70s than they were in the 80s ... hmmm .... this leads me to believe people I thought would be on the Glory Days ballot probably won't be (i.e. Kaat, Marshall, Allen, Oliver, etc.).  

Oh well, that's how it was sliced so we gotta work in the confines of that. The following is my OPINION/THOUGHTS on the above names from my experience pool of baseball thinking ... I confess before hand that many of my opinions on these players are biased ... and I don't care ... because I'm writing this article for fun so .... you know.



YES? .... or No?

This rating of these great baseball players will be divided into Pros, Cons, and Miscellaneous.  It is in no specific order.


Steve Garvey


Pros: Good Hitter, Work Horse who often played every game per season, Gold Gloves

Cons: Gold Gloves were First Baseman Gold Gloves, Wasn't a A+ Hitter.

Garvey is like Mattingly, when I get to Mattingly I'll probably save time by writing "See: Garvey, Above".

First Base is an easy position because every player in the infield is making an effort to make your life easy. The infielders are trained to get to ground balls fast and relay it to you in the most efficient and easy to execute means. After Designated Hitter, your first baseman, is usually your worst fielder. So a first base gold glove is more like the award for "Best Worst Fielder on the Diamond" which is not a great award ... it usually winds up in the hands of a first baseman in a large market like L.A. or New York ... and that's why Steve Garvey and Don Mattingly have a wall of them at their houses ... because they were the first basemen for the L.A. Dodgers and N.Y. Yankees respectively.

Therefore Garvey needs some pretty good offensive stats to be a Hall of Famer ... and his career .775 OPS isn't sky scraping or earth shattering.

If he was a gold glove thirdbaseman with a .775 OPS and all those meaty RBIs then fine ... but as it stands .... I'm gonna go with a big NO on Garvey.

Stance: No.



Tommy John

Pros: Great Pitcher, Longevity

Cons: Lost time to injuries, wasn't best pitcher of his era, No Cy Youngs.

Miscellaneous: Has surgery named after him!


Tommy John pitched his ass off, then his arm basically tore and broke, so he took ligaments from his knee and replaced his broken arm stuff with knee stuff ... and then pitched until he was 46 years old.

This is a folk lore style story, something you'd see in a movie ... but it's real life, that's true. His stats and story warrant him entry, I do indeed believe.

Stance: Yes.




Luis Tiant

Pros: Great Pitcher, Could Smoke Cigars whilst Showering

Cons: Stretch of 3 Bad Seasons, No Cy Youngs.

Miscellaneous: Was a Cuban Defector before that was common.

Tiant has a slew of great seasons mixed in with a slew of rough seasons on his stat card. He's not a shoe-in that's for sure. I'm 50/50 on him from his stats. He's got a back story which is interesting though.

Tiant left Cuba to pursue his dreams and has remained outspoken about the Castro regime to this very day. A lot of young people who wear those communist T-Shirts with Castro's face on it, or even the Prime Minister of Canada who's a big Castro fan should listen to people who defected that regime to understand how dangerous it was there.

Since my vote really has no bearing on the future, and since I'm 50/50 on it, I'm gonna just go with Yes for the sake of it.

Stance: Yes.




Donny "Baseball" Mattingly

Pros: Great Hitter, Lots of Ribbies, Gold Gloves

Cons: Short Career by HOF standards

Miscellaneous: Side Burns heat on Simpsons with Mr. Burns very memorable


See: Steve Garvey Above. (See told you). Goldies are all gimmick because he was a first baseman in a large city ... he has 9 of them ... probably has like a closet full of goldoes. He has less longevity than Garvey but was a much better hitter than Garvey ... so they even out at about the same overall caliber.

Stance: No.




Jack Morris

 
Pros: Good Pitcher, with seven wins in the post season.

Cons: ERA tended to balloon up to over 4 quite often.

He pitched in a lot of post seasons and was the World Series MVP with the Twins ... so his credentials are pretty good.

He's still got the mustache too ... which is commendable. It's getting to Honky Tonk Man territory though. I mean if your 80s gimmick is still your 2017 gimmick that's cool but I mean the cut off point I think is seeing the Honky Tonk Man wrestler with his Elvis hair (not a wig) in 2017 ... I think that is like a demarcation point in the sand when a 80s gimmick went on too long.

Morris's iconic 'stache isn't of Honky Tonk Man level over-done yet though as far as 80s gimmicks go. As for Hall of Fame, a close but regretful No, here. His ERA is 3.90 for his career which is just too close to 4 I find. The World Series MVP and cool mustache pack some punch but not enough to swing him into the solid Yes column.

Stance: No.




Dale Murphy 



Pros: Power.

Cons: Missed any "Sure-Thang" Stats like 3000 hits or 400 homers.
  

Dale missed that 400 homer plateau by 2 homers ... which is one of those big numbers the writers like to see. If he hit two more homers he'd probably have gotten a lot more consideration. Similarly with Fred McGriff who missed a plateau by inches I think the adherence to these "sure thing" numbers shouldn't be written in stone.

What is the discernible difference of a person who hit 398 homers and a guy who hit 400 homers? I don't know. Or with McGriff who sat at 493 homers instead of a hitting a nice round number like 500?


Murphy had "5-tool" seasons as well of running well, defending well, judging the strike zone well, hitting well, and power alleying well.

Mouphy
The year he got 90 walks and 30 steals he scored over 130 times ... in addition to hitting 36 homers. So he wasn't a one dimensional power hitter in any sense ... he had some 5 tool years.

Murph has some big name backers too ... recently the popular cartoon site Homestar Runner gave homage to Murph's iconic "Power Alley" poster whereas Mr. Murphy stood in a damp yet cool alley way with a baseball bat light saber ... which anyone with a brain can admit looks cool.

I'm a pretty solid Yes on Dale Murphy.

Stance: Yes.




Dave Parker

Pros: Stacked Statistical Resume

Cons: No "Milestone Numbers" again .... no 3000 hits or 400 homers.


Like Murphy and McGriff, the old voters never voted for people who missed the milestone numbers. The voters who skipped out on voting for Parker were those types who really looked at the milestone numbers and not the complete package.

The old school voters wanted Iron Men who didn't miss games.

I think the "Iron Man" gimmick is pretty over rated. I mean watching a old Pete Rose or an old Cal Ripken rack up stats while some young go-getter kids were sitting on the bench waiting for their chance to crack the lineup doesn't really impress me as much as it does others. Cal Ripken at 40 years old with a .600 OPS just in the lineup to pad his stats really doesn't impress me at all.

Parker, statistically, is similar to Dick Allen and others who aren't in. He's got monster stats but no real milestone/longevity stats. I mean some of these Dave Parker seasons are Monster Seasons, man. Let's see, 1975, 1977, 1978, 1985 ... he had some Monster Years.

Ripken, as I was using as an "Iron Man" example ... had a career .447 slugging percentage. Dave Parker had a career .471 career slugging percentage. I mean are we supposed to think because a "Iron Man" had more at-bats and larger sample sizes that he was better? I don't think so ... 24 career SLG points is a wide margin. No one can say with a straight face that Cal Ripken was a better hitter than Dave Parker.

Stance: Yes.




Ted Simmons
Pros: Great offensive numbers posted at a rarely offensive position

Cons: Very Little Publicity Ever About this Person


This is a name I am least familiar with on this list, he's not a player you ever hear talked about or written about in baseball circles. Little if ever.

Stats wise, he's like a secret superstar ... only behind Johnny Bench and Gary Carter as the best catcher of his era. Is third best catcher of the era warrant him entry? Possibly, yes.

I don't think he was as good defensively as Bench and Carter ... but he needs some sort of recognition of some sort, no? Being the third best catcher of that era must mean something, Catching is friggin' hard, man.

I've read so many baseball biographies over the years and never seen this name come up. It's rare you hear about him ever. I don't know he's like ... I dunno ... this man needs a publicist I think. He needs a promo guy or something.

If hypothetically I was voting on this and there was a vote maximum ... Simmons would be the first to switch from the Yes to the No column. I'm gonna file him down as a Yes, but like weird Yes ... like a Who Is This Forgotten Man sort of a weird Yes.

Stance: a Weird Yes.



Alan Trammell

Pros: Gold Glover Shortstop with above average hitting prowess.

Cons: Sub par offense numbers, no milestone numbers. 

I wrote about his case already in 2014 I think, so here's that one (with Mike Marshall and Dick Allen):

https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.ca/2014/01/the-greatest-of-people-who-are-not.html


I was a Yes back then, so I guess I'm still a Yes, now. So, yeah.

Out of this current pool he's a soft Yes ... but I'm on record as being a Trammell Yesser so I can't change that plea in this article out-of-the-blue and all willy-nilly, y'know?

Stance: Yes.



Post-Writing Assessment

Okay dokay. What were the binary entries here ...

Solid YES: Dale Murphy and Dave Parker  
Soft YES: Tommy John, Luis Tiant, Ted Simmons, Alan Trammell

NO: Steve Garvey, Don Mattingly, and Jack Morris

I think Dale Murphy and Dave Parker are guys who should have got in 100% ... four of them are guys who aren't sure things but could go either way ... and three of them, I think, don't have solid enough credentials.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Trial of the Century: Day One Recap

I've seen some big televised trials in my day....

I remember the Melendez one where these two greasy brothers raw-murdered their own parents with a dusty sawed-off shotgun ... I was watching the news on that one on TV every update ... I was screaming at the TV for the judge to throw the hammer on these two! I was yelling, no joke, at the TV ... "Come on judge ... DROP THE HAMMER ON THOSE GREASE BALLS!"

Then there was the OJ one, and that one was like ..... Holy Moly mother of Pokey ... that trial like locked the nation, nay the world, DOWN for months. Everyone was talking about that trial. I remember I was in like grade 7 or grade 8 and the teacher would start the morning of the school doing 15 minutes on the OJ trial because she couldn't fight it. The students were talking about it non-stop so she had to do 15 minutes on it to lead-off class or like no one would be able to focus.
Society's Least-Famous Famous-Person

Kids were in the school yard laying on theories and shit. It was a total 24-7 circus. I remember having the dumbest angle on the thing. I was telling kids that Kato Kaelin's dog did it. All of them down by the school yard would first go "Kato has a dog?" ... and I'd be like ... "yeah" ... and then I'd be like ... "....and that dog DID IT."

Now, a televised trial started yesterday that is page-turningly gripping that it may just blow these trials out of the water. Yesterday in California the trial the media has dubbed "The Electric 20" Trial has finally got underway and the precedings have been anything but a let-down so far. It's gripping ... as gripping as can be.

The Trial is officially the People of the State of California vs. Heidecker, Timothy Richard. If you're not watching it then you're so out-of-the-loop that you should label yourself a dullard or at least a laggered.

Look, it's not the 1990s anymore, we've all matured a bit. Like, I don't want to be that stupid person telling people Kato's Dog did it anymore ... I'm a adult person now. I should take these trials more seriouser, you know?

There's so much speculation and innuendo flying around the Tim Heidecker Tiral like a vast scented mist of intrigue/confusion that we should really try and separate facts from non-facts. If you missed Day One of the trial ... I'm gonna re-cap it for you ... that way before we make our opinions we can all like think about the stuff that's going down so we don't come away from it with silly joke opinions on it. This is serious-ass shit so let's try and be civil, cordial, polite, and not-dumb when we discuss this landmark Trial of the Century (i.e. one that happened from 2000 to 2017 ... we're not counting huge ones from the 1900s like OJ ... OJ was bigger than this one).


Day 1 Recap of the Tim Heidecker Trial

Let's summarize the main players in this case before we make a summation of the content of the procedings of Day 1 so everyone knows who's-who.

Judge Presiding: Szymcyzk, E.

Defendant: Heidecker, T. (Self Proclaimed "Artist") 
Lead Defense Attorney: Dryer, M.  

Lead Prosecutor:  Rosetti, V. (District Attorney)
Assistant District Attorney: Waymon, M.

Witnesses Called to Stand to Testify on Day One: Emily Sirotky (civilian), Lisa Benzos (EMT/Para-Medic), and Jarred Jolson (no relation to Al).


Nextly, let's summarize the basic "who-what-where" of what the basis of this trial is trying to figure out....

Defendant (L) w/ his Attorney (R)
On the date of April the 14th of the year 2017, one Mr. Tim Heidecker and his colleague one Luther Sanchez organized an outdoor music festival of to which a grievous tragedy ensued. During the festival 157 people experienced strange symptoms purportedly as a result of inhaling "vape juice" from "vape pens" distributed at said outdoor music event.

Out of those 157 concert-goers who experienced strange symptoms ... twenty of them sadly perished and died which is a crying shame. A down-right crying shame. Who was responsible for this horrific act? The state of California wants to know ... and they will leave NO STONE un-turned as these captivating proceedings untangles itself for the world to see.

The victims or the "Twenty" as the media refers to them as are described somewhat ... of which one was a "budding veterinarian", one victim was a "devout Mormon", one was a "Roofer", and one was in "nursing school." The deceased appear to have been average and even wholesome members of society. 

The State wants to prove without the lingering shadow of a human doubt that the concert organizer, Heidecker, and his gross negligently dumb behavior can be pinned like a tail on a donkey as the CAUSATION of the Electric 20's untimely demises.

Yet, the Defense counter-claims that Heidecker and his grossly negligent machinations were not at fault ... but the gross negligent behavior of his colleague, one Luther Sanchez (deceased) was the party and actor at fault. The Defense claims that Luther Sanchez AKA "Doctor San" (or possibly Doctor Sand as the pronunciation is ambiguous and no official documentation has been released as yet to clarify the spelling of his nickname), was the only party who's stupidity and greed led to the untimely demise of the Twenty. The head attorney claims that the proof of Sanchez's guilt lies in the fact that he took his own life in a fit of shame ... thereby displaying to the world that he knew he was responsible for their heinous and tragic demises.

The Defense also claims that the "Twenty" were also consuming a myriad of other drug-related and alcohol-related cocktails thus the "vape juice" distributed by Heidecker and/or Sanchez may not even be the number one factor in causing the reactions and symptoms the concert goers experienced .... other hard drugs and alcohol could have contributed to the demise of the Twenty. Also, the taking of more than the recommended amount of vape juice may have been a significant contributor as well according to the Defense.


Witness Testimony on Day 1 

The prosecution called three witnesses to testify as to which the Defense only chose to cross examine two of said witnesses. Let's briefly summarize their statements.


Sirotky, Emily: 

This civilian who was present at the outdoor music festival claims the festival was outrageously under-organized. She gives examples that there were little to no facilities for purposes of defecation (i.e. 1 or 2) ... and claims one of the few facilities that existed in the form of a "port-o-potty" was over flowing with excrement and spilling liquid excrement all over the place. She claims also in regards to the sanitation of the event that people could not go to bushes/trees to move urine/bowels for there were none in the cramped area ... thus ... people were relieving themselves near or even on the stage where people were preforming music.

As for statements to the immediate character of the defendant, she claims she witnessed Mr. Heidecker running over her friend Andrea's foot with his exasperatingly large golf cart and even though he noticed what he'd done ... she claims he could care less about her friend's foot.

She also hurts the defense's claim that Heidecker and Sanchez were at odds with each other and paints a picture of the two men being quite-in-cahoots as she states with 100% certainty that Sanchez was in the golf cart with Heidecker as Heidecker ran over her friend Andrea's foot.

Sirotka goes on to claim that whilst the 157 concert-goers went into various forms of convulsions ... the band "DKR" (of which Heidecker is a preforming member of) did not stop playing and didn't even seem to care that 157 people were having big-time whacky convulsions everywhere. 

She lastly states that exits were hard to get to and blocked by various debris or vehicles. 



Benzos, Lisa:

Benzos, a EMT/Para-Medic employed by the state of California, makes statements which also paint a negative light of the defendant. She claims the exits were blocked by vehicles (corroborating the testimony of Sirotka) and claims it took emergency personnel over 25 minutes to enter the fair grounds. She states that if they could have entered faster than 25 minutes that many of the Twenty's lives may have been salvaged/saved.

Benzos claims that when they finally were able to reach the site and help the civilians ... she saw Heidecker not preforming standard procedures like CPR or First Aid but rather placing "energy crystal" dollar-store trinkets around the victims in some sort of bizarre display of ritualistic nonsense. Her testimony painted the defendant as some sort of idiotic and smelly hippie.

The Defense's cross-examination fell flat as Dryer's question as to why emergency personnel didn't use the pedestrian entrance which wasn't blocked was retorted by Benzos that their vehicles couldn't enter through that entrance and they eventually did enter through there, yet on foot, and carried the victims to the ambulances on foot.



Jarred Jolson:

Jolson paints a picture of the festival as being very poorly organized, claiming that there was virtually no staff present and no one was even checking tickets which made his purchase of the extra expensive VIP pass seem unnecessary and like a complete waste of money. He states that there was only small water bottles sold on this over 100 degree Fahrenheit day which left concert goers dry, parched, and dehydrated. He claims the only food available was not the big luxurious food trucks advertised in the brochure ... but just one small table with plates of "peanut butter crackers".

He claims the "vape pens" were given away for free to most concert goers but refills of "vape juice" cost $49.00 dollars .... he states he took one "toke" of the vape pen which made his throat ache and burned his lungs ... but the pen broke after one use and leaked juice all over his "joggers" and like totally ruined his pants.

Defense attorney Dryer actually gained ground here on the cross-examination as two valid points were extracted from Jarred's testimony. It seems Jarred could not recall with 100% certainty if it was Heidecker or Sanchez who gave him the vape pen ... which helps establish the Defense's assertion that Sanchez was the negligent party.

Also, Jarred states himself and his friends Tyler n' Brett were smoking marijuana cigarettes prior to the concert in their car as well as consuming tequila from a small bottle ... which lends credence to the Defense's assertion that these kids were taking all kinds of drugs and not just vape juice from the defendant's pens.

Jolson ends by stating that he did smoke and drink but his vast experience with these drugs has built a good tolerance to them and that he was not impaired from them.


End of Day 1 

The day of proceedings ended with the judge declaring a recess after Mr. Heidecker could not contain himself and his various forms of outburst. 

Day One left Heidecker visibly angered, using the "F-word", berating his attorney, and demanding a mistrial. What will happen on Day 2 of Proceedings? Only Time Will Tell...

You can see it Live Streamed All over The World on Adult Swim's Online Stream. I think it goes live at 11 pm Eastern, baby ... I know what I'm watching tonight!



(Kayfabe Break: Yo, the photo they used for Luther "Dr Sands" Sanchez, at first I though it was a photo of Bruiser Brody with 100% certainty ... but under closer look it's not him.).





DAY TWO
The Docket Continues.... 


The second day of proceedings was met with a wash of disbelief by all members of the viewing gallery as the defendant entered without defense attorney Mark Dwyer (I apologize to Mr. Dwyer for referring to him as Dryer during the Day 1 account of happenings). It seems the defendant has not retained his attorney's services for Day Two and will be his own counsel.

After the new defense council (Heidecker) re-news his counsel's opening statements the prosecuting attorney expresses concern that this ploy is a scheme employed by Heidecker for the case to end in a Mistrial. The Prosecution team believes that the defendant will argue his defense with such little regard for the decorum of the court that the judge will have no choice but to declare the trial not binding ... the judge understands the prosecutor's concerns but states that it is every Californian's right as a citizen of the state to defend themselves in legal proceedings though the honorable Judge Scymyck expects decorum from Heidecker similar to that of a bar-licensed attorney of law.


Many viewers were hoping perhaps Heidecker had a brazen cousin from up state New York who could swoop in and take over as lead counsel, a la My Cousin Vinnie starring Karate Kid and Happy Days star Ralph Macchio, yet this was not the case. Mr. Heidecker as of now is the only member of his legal defense team.

The Defense may have changed head-counsel yet the onus on them to prove two factors in this case remains the same:

A) That Heidecker was not in any sort of cahoots what-so-ever with one Luther "Dr. San" Sanchez and that Sanchez was acting on his own volition. It must be shown that Sanchez was some sort of Mexican version of Rasputin who's trickery had conquered Heidecker's fragile celebrity mind or that Sanchez was some sort of bearded/dirty Svengali who's charms and charisma took Heidecker captive to his whims of folly.

B) That the "Twenty" were all on other forms of dangerous narcotics and not just the "vape juice" from the "vape pens" distributed by the defendant.


Witnesses called on Day 2: William Ellis (Law Enforcement Official), Dr. Gerard Kearny (medical examiner and toxicologist), Gregg Turkington (quasi-celebrity)


William Ellis:

Mr. Ellis was the detective assigned to investigate the tragic events of the Electric Sun 20 music festivity. Ellis makes the claim that Luther Sanchez was seen giving more vapor to already incapacitated victims in hopes of helping them until law enforcement removed Sanchez from the scene.

It is in his testimony that we for the first time see videographic evidence of the existence and demeanor of one Luther Sanchez AKA "Dr. San". Ellis interrogated Sanchez prior to his death via suicide.

In video evidence we hear the appellation of the formula's name in the vape pens. Sanchez says the formula was a mixture of toad venom, and fungus from dead caterpillars, known as " Dong Chong Xia Xua". 

Sanchez claims in the video that he is indeed Heidecker business partner.

A very damning piece of evidence presented by the prosecution which is corroborated by Ellis is an invoice from a Chinese chemical company signed by Heidecker for the purchase of 5 kilograms of "DMMA-3" and methylhexhedamine. Analgesic narcotics. The narcotics were purchased through subsidiaries of the defendant's elaborate web of phony charities.

The Defense's cross examination fell flat in an attempt to claim the authorities did not do enough to investigate the "Chinese Conspiracy" which the defense believes is not being investigated due to "Political Correctness" reasons.


Gerard Kearny:

It is Kearny's expert opinion that death resulted from cardiac arrest from symptoms caused by the substance inside the vape pens.

The Defense's cross of Dr. Kearny bordered on the ridiculous as Mr. Heidecker attempted to assassinate the character and expertise of Kearny by asking him a series of queries to hold his credentials to standards including questioning the methodology of Kearny's lab by making on odd display dipping paper into a cup of coffee which supposedly attempts to cast doubt or even compromise Kearny's methods ... however no one present really fully understood the defense's line of questioning.

Yet one grain of solid gold was uncovered during cross-examination as Kearny reveals ONE of the TWENTY (Sean Levin) died from an over dose of heroin and not from the substance found in the vape pens ... meaning the demise of 1/20 of the victims is very likely not related to actions caused by the defendant.


Gregg Turkington:

Mr. Turkington was brought by the prosecution as a character witness to offer a glimpse to the jury of the reputation of the defendant.

Turkington hosts a movie review television program similar to "Siskel and Ebert" along with the defendant ... and his experiences with the defendant were often taxing and difficult. He goes on to claim that the defendant's relationship with Luther Sanchez was not one where Sanchez was a Mexican vesrion of Svengali or a Puerto Rican version of a Rasputin like figure ... but the relationship between the two men (defendant and Sanchez) was a business partnership of mutual benefit between both persons.

Turkington's testimony casts serious doubt on the Defense Claim (A) that Sanchez was acting on his own volition ... and the testimony also painted the character of the defendant as being less than noble... in fact the character of the defendant appears to be quite flawed. Statements by Mr. Turkington describe Mr. Heidecker as a man of almost alarming ill-repute.

The witness also describes the vape fluid as having a terrible odor similar to burning rubber. The prosecution played a videographic clip from Turkington and Heidecker's show where the defendant himself on the Siskel/Ebert-like show speaks of dangers of the vape fluid and how the vape fluid almost caused his own death.

The cross examination of Turkington by the defense was petty and led to very little revelations of any value. The defense tried to bring the witness's character into question by asking the witness if he can back up his claim of being "a movie buff" despite not having a degree in movies from a real school. Mr. Turkington counter-claims that he is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as having watched "501 movies in 501 days" which is apparently some sort of feat worthy of stature.


And thus concluded Day Two of Legal Proceedings!!!! 




Day Number 3
...and the docket continues.

Witnesses called on Day 3: Amanda Davis (Victim's Family), Mark Proksch (impersonator), Alessandro Sarodemini AKA "Axiom" (guitarist), Ayaka Ohtani (defendant's ex-wife)


Amanda Davis:

Davis testified on record, fighting back tears of heart wrenching sorrow, to bring to light the innocence and wholesomeness of the victims. Davis is the mother of nursing student Vicki Davis who's untimely demise sent shock waves through her immediate kin. Her testimony paints the picture that most if not all of the "Twenty" were innocent and beautiful human beings.

The defense crossed by asking the court to dim the lights and take a moment of silence for the victims. Judge Szymyck agreed to the moment of silence yet did not fulfill the defense's request to dim the lights.

 
From L to R: Proksch, Waymon, Szymyck, Rosetti, Bailiff, Stenographerr



Mark Proksch:

Proksch is a impersonator of vintage hollywood celebrities such as Groucho Marx, W.C. Fields, Buster Keaton, The Three Stooges, Charlie Chaplain, amongst others. He portrayed various impersonations for the defendant's unsuccessful Siskel/Ebert-esque program and testifies that his relationship with the defendant was similar to Turkington's relationship ... one which was taxing, difficult, and at times violent. As a character witness Proksch strokes the defendant's demeanor with a wide and stinging streak of paint ... a paint of deep negativity. 

Under cross examination, a visibly irate Heidecker acted so aggressively to the witness that Judge Szymyck ordered the Bailiff to stand as a buffer between both parties to ensure the safety of Mr. Proksch. Questioning by the defense was unproductive, aggressive, and strange ... which prompted lead prosecutor Rosseti to refer to the proceedings as being a "Kangaroo Court" and re-implied his belief that the defense's main goal was to orchestrate a mistrial by displaying such obtuse behavior towards the proceedings.



Alessandro Sarodemini AKA "Axiom":

  
Guitarist from Italy and member of DKR (the defendant's band). The prosecution questioned the validity of this person's integrity and willingness to lie under oath for the defendant by playing two songs (Exhibits 25 and 26) in order to show that Heidecker's "hit song" Empty Bottle was a re-work of a prior Italian language song written by Alessandro.

It is revealed that the defendant pays this witness some form of stipend and is under the employ of the defendant in varying capacity.

Even stranger, the prosecution uncovered that Alessandro donated his right hand, his guitar playing hand, to the defendant ... as to why he would do this is unknown, maybe the defendant thought he could gain Sarodemini's guitar playing skills if he grafted Sarodemini's hand unto his own arm ... whatever the motive was ... it paints a picture of the relationship between the parties as being strange ... and the prosecution is setting up that this witness would do/say anything for the defendant which will surely be a factor to consider when the defense calls upon Sarodemini when it is its turn to call witnesses to take the stand.

The cross examination of this Kaelin-esque individual was very cordial and the defendant implied the gallery and the court should applaud as he disembarked the witness stand. Once again it must be noted that the defendant's behavior is odd and unfitting for a courtroom.


Ayaka Ohtani:


Another character witness the prosecution called to demonstrate the reputation of the defendant. Ohtani is the ex-wife of the defendant and claims he is a negligent and uncaring man of significant ill-repute.

Similar to the cross examination of Proksch, the defense displayed odd and sometimes aggressive behavior towards the witness as he seemed jealous that she had a new Japanese husband named Satoshi and new lovely daughter with said man named Sakura. This so angered the defendant that he stormed out of the court room and declared (although he does not have the power to do so) a 5 minute recess. Not wanting to conduct proceedings further under the duress of the defense the judge felt he had no choice but to conclude proceedings for this day and declare that sessions will resume on Monday of the upcoming week (same court time - same court channel ... I assume).

The Bailiff had to escort Mrs. Ohtani out of the premises for fear of aggressive behavior towards her by the defendant who's erratic outbursts have kept getting more-and-more completely out-of-control.


AND THUS CONCLUDED THE THIRD DAY!!!!



Day 4 of Legal Proceedings
.... as the wheels of the docket continues for the world to see.


We observe a much more relaxed, acute, and attention-to-decorum oriented defense on Day Four as Judge Szymyck threatens to tack on another contempt of court charge to Mr. Heidecker's already mounting docket of contempt charges and if any more are tacked on he will have to have contempt of court charges heard on multiple days by other multiple judges.

With the Prosecution at Rest, it is the Defense's turn to call witnesses to the stand.

Witnesses Called by the Defense: Jack O'Ryan (DeeJay), Jesse Popp (civilian), Joe Estevez (Brother of Martin Sheen and uncle of Charlie and Emilio Estevez), Gregg Turkington (self-proclaimed movie aficionado)


Jack O'Ryan:

O'Ryan was present at the Electric Sun 20 Festival as a performer yet did not perform due to the early end to the festival on account of the terrible tragedy. He claims the festival was "chill" and it was "cool" although he reiterates early witness statements that food and water were scarce or even non-existent on the fair grounds.

He was little use to the Defense as a positive character witness as he goes on to state that he was never paid by the defendant for what they agreed on for him to preform at the music festival and is still awaiting payment.

Upon cross examination by the prosecution a fairly decent-sized bombshell is dropped on the defense as Mrs. Waymon asks with due aplomb if the witness is being paid by the defendant to testify on his behalf as to which Mr. O'Ryan replies with a stern and un-ambiguous "Yes" ... which serves as a pretty resounding blow to the defense.

The defense chose to accept the prosecution's redirect and issue new questions to its witness. Heidecker, who remind you is both the defendant and the defense, begins personally debating the merits of O'Ryan's claim that he paid him to testify by clarifying that if he goes to the metal slammer his assets will be frozen and would not be able to pay O'Ryan in that scenario and thus his statement to the witness prior to testifying were in the nature of O'Ryan would be paid only if the present court case was won and thus it was in O'Ryan's interest to testify as a positive character witness on the defendant's behalf ... and he in no way implied that this witness was paid specifically to testify.

Though O'Ryan was meant as a character building witness for the defense ... the swearing and arguing between himself and the defendant as he disembarked the stand erased any positive statements he made about the defendant's character ... the only notable one being that the festival was "chill" and that it was also "cool".


Jesse Popp:

Next the Defense called a Carrot Top looking young man to the stand to act as a boon to the character of the defendant. He was a youth at the concert who did not die and seems like he had a swinging good time there. Popp counters claims of previous statements by previous witnesses that the festival was in disarray ... he claims the following key points about the concert.

A) It was Wonderful
B) There was Food
C) No One got Hurt
D) DKR (defendant's band) "Slayed" on the Stage
E) Did Not See Defendant Giving out Vape Pens

Popp, it should be noted, makes a claim that he is in no way under employ of the defendant in any capacity.

Cross examination was once again on-the-ball and raring to rip this poor Carrot Top looking youth's testimony to shreds and ribbons. Though extracting the nugget of truth that this witness was paid by the defendant to testify was more difficult than Mr. O'Ryan that nugget was once again extracted just the same.

Mr. Rosetti, showed a clip of the defendant's web-a-sode style show "Decker" where Popp is briefly seen in a scene. Rosetti also showed a document (Exh. 28) which is Popp's Internet Movie Data Base page on the web which has one entry in it as a credit to his budding film career and that is of course the previously mentioned "Decker" show.

The prosecution, after reminding the witness that lying while under oath can lead to perjury charges, asks simply and as plain-as-stone once again if the witness is being paid by the defendant and just like O'Ryan was before him ... Popp responds with a "Yes." 

So far the prosecution has extracted information that both witnesses called by the defense have been paid by the defendant to testify on his behalf. One offered this information on his own volition and the other needed said information extracted from him.

The defense is hitting .000 so far and is 0-fer-2.


Joe Estevez:

The brother of Martin Sheen and benevolent uncle of famous brothers Charlie and Emilio Estevez takes the stand at this juncture in proceedings. He is the quintessential "Star Witness" and is pretty famous.

He knows the defendant as he played President Davidson on his web-a-sode format program and is the first character witness that paints the defendant with a positive light. Estevez claims the following things about the defendant ...

A) He's a "Terrific" Person
B) He's Easy to Get Along with
C) He booked Estevez as the President which shows He is Inteligent and Recognizes Talent
D) Would Not Hurt a Fly
E) Is a "Hailed Fellow" which Nobody can Deny

Now with a quick reputation boost off the list, the defense moves to gain more ground and attempts to damage the character of the deceased Luther Sanchez. Estevez claims he does not know the "Doctor" (though he and Sanchez both appeared on the panel of the "Doctor San Forgiveness Special" of On Cinema At The Cinema).

It is in this celebrity, Mr. Estevez's eyes and opinion, that the tragedy at the festival was nothing more than an unfortunate accident and the defendant is void of any responsibility or wrong-doing.

Upon being cross examined by the prosecution, negative character traits of the defendant are extracted from the famed witness. The prosecution was interested in the defendant's relationship with drugs as to which Mr. Estevez reveals that he indeed believes that Mr. Heidecker has a problem with drugs.

Estevez also paints the defendant as a ne'er-do-well who once "set himself on fire" on set ... yet Estevez later recants this statement and readdresses this event as one where the defendant had "an accident" with a blaze/fire and clarifies that the defendant did not "set himself on fire".

 
Gregg Turkington:

A lackadaisical and still-under-oath Turkington retakes the witness stand. The Defense puts his suit jacket back on, collects himself, and seems pretty ready to rip this man's integrity apart. The Defense seems to have renewed vigor at the sight of Turkington and appears poised to assassinate the witness's character ... specifically in regards to the witness's assertion that he is a "movie buff".

Turkington, G. self-professed aficionado of movies.


The defense poses a series of questions with the intent to test the validity of Turkington's claim of being a movie expert. The line of questioning is paraphrased below:


What is your favorite movie?
It's a three way tie between Casablanca, Jaws, and Gone with the Wind. Coming up on the rear-end of my favorite list is Sleepless in Seattle, and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Have you ever seen "Sully" starring Tom Hanks?
Yes, I was invited to a "sneak peek" that only esteemed movie buffs and film critics were invited to attend. 

Does Star Trek 2 take place in San Francisco?
Yes.

Does Star Trek 4 take place in San Francisco?
No.
   

Interesting to say the least. It seems Mr. Turkington is dancing a sultry mambo with the truth here and is straddling on a steep slope with these statements. If it is found that "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" is indeed shown to the satisfaction of the court that it took place in San Francisco ....  could Mr. Turkington's assertion that he is a "movie buff" be a bold face lie? Could Mr. Turkington be committing perjury by lying under oath to the state of California about his credentials as a movie aficionado?

The stew is definitely beggining to boil and it appears that the Defense's ENTIRE CASE depends on whether Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (the one where they need the whale sounds because some robot thing is going around destroying everything that doesn't have pre-recorded whale sounds) takes place in San Francisco!!!

AND THUS CONCLUDES DAY FOUR OF THE BIGGEST TRIAL EVER!



The Fifth Day
The docket resumes.

Closing statements were delivered in this session and the jury sent to deliberation. Prior to that there were two remaining witnesses called by the defense.


Witnesses called on Day 5: Nicholas Meyer (Director of Star Treks 2 and 6, co writer of 4), Manuel "Juicy" Giusti (musician and actor).


Nicholas Meyer:

The defense called in an expert witness, the director of Star Trek 2 and co-writer of Star Trek 4, to act as a Star Trek expert to sort out the muddled mess encountered in the previous session whereas one Gregg Turkington (self-styled movie buff) seemed to be so sure of himself that the fourth installment of the Star Trek movie franchise did not take place in San Francisco.

Surely the writer of said film would be privy to the correct answer to that and he was in fact privy. Mr. Meyer (no relation to Oscar although he stated he was nominated for an Oscar award once) ... the star Star Trek expert with more than enough expertise on this matter stated that in the fourth installment of the Star Trek movies (the following is verbatim)....

..... "They go to SAN FRANCISCO."

A visibly shaken Gregg Turkington could not control his disagreement with this matter and called out from the gallery that they go to San Franciso in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and not Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home .. as to which Meyer helps him through his confusion by saying that scenes from Star Trek 2 (such as Cpt. Kirk's apartment scene amongst others) were set in San Franciso (yet not actually filmed there). The continued outbursts from the gallery by Turkington left Judge Smyzyck with no choice but to ask the bailiff to remove Mr. Turkington from the premises.

The falsification of Turkington's testimony fell like a stone into the jury's minds. Like a jenga piece being removed from a jenga structure .... the removal of Turkington's "expert" testimony may very well crumble the structure and foundation of the prosecution's entire case.

Gregg Turkington's credibility melted like a popsicle in the hot desert sun as soon as the words "They go to San Francisco" left Mr. Meyer's two lips. This self professed movie buff did not even know basic plot points of the smash hit 1986 science fiction adventure film Star Trek IV: The Journey Home.

It wasn't all jenga foundation destroying gains for the defense however as under cross examination Mr. Meyer reveals that similarly like O'Ryan and Popp ... he was paid in the tune of 10,000 dollars to testify for the defense.

Mr. Heidecker interjects (not during re-direct but on whim) that he's allowed to employ the services of expert witnesses and it makes no matter near nor dither if he paid for the expert Star Trek related services of Mr. Meyer.


Manuel "Juicy" Giusti

After observing two Kato Kaelin like individuals in the court gallery the jury and observers must have enjoyed finally getting to hear the testimony of the second Kato, one Manuel Giusti, who's long flowing locks are blonde as opposed to Axiom's long flowing brown locks.

Mr. Giusti declares a startling revelation that he was in contact with one Luther Sanchez the very day Sanchez committed suicide. Not only that but Snachez gave him a letter on yellow legal pad written in big block letters with permanent marker.

The defense asked Mr. Giusti to read said document which roughly stated that Sanchez felt that he was the only one responsible for the deaths of the "Twenty" and that Tim Heidecker in no way shape or form shares any of this responsibility and is totally innocent.

If this letter is authentic and was written by Sanchez prior to him taking his own life, the defense would have adequately shown to the satisfaction of the court that the only one responsible was indeed Luther Sanchez .... but all was not smooth sailing and this startling revelation was dashed with precision.

Under cross examination, Mr. Rosetti, being of Italianized extraction himself, openly wondered if Mr. Giusti was a Pope-fearing Catholic like he was as to which Giusti responded that he was. Rosetti pointed out that prior to taking the witness stand Mr. Giusti made a pledge to GOD on HIGH that he would not tell a LIE.

With that in mind, Mr. Rosetti asked the witness who really gave him that shocking case-decision -alteringly-important letter as to which the witness replied ... " Tim did this morning. "

Another one bites the dust as they say.



Closing Statements

Following these two witnesses the defense rested. With both parties at rest it was now time for closing arguments.

DA Rosetti
Rosetti's Closing statements were standard fare as trial closers go, he re-outlined many of he and Mrs. Waymon's key points and implored the jury to bring this audacious man to justice and that bringing this man to justice now lies entirely in their capable hands.

This was the first time in the proceedings Mr. Rosetti showed emotion and jury/observers now understand that the bearing of the gravitas of the trial as well as the brazen effronterous displays by the defendant must have really weighed down this humble clerk of the State of California.

Mr. Rosetti ends by making an impassioned plea for the jury to convict this man.

Mr. Heidecker's closing arguments were anything but standard fare as far as court proceedings go. He brought out a board and wrote the following seven concepts on it:

1. Heroin
2. The Chinese Connection
3. Orion Jack
4. Dr. San Confession
5. Star Trek 2/4
6. Character (Joe/Jesse)
7. Tim (Victim)


He drew question marks all around these concepts and connected them like venn diagrams ... and finally when he got to himself "Tim" he flipped the board around which had the photos of the 19 (20 - Sean Levine) victims on it and stated that he belongs there with them for he is nothing short of a victim as well.

He re-iterated a claim that one of the victims, Carlos Delgado, had predicted the future that fateful day of April 14th and confided in Heidecker that if anything goes wrong at this music festival it is 100% not Heidecker's fault and if for some reason Mr. Delgado were to die in the near future his last will and testimony is for Mr. Heidecker to start a charitable foundation in his name .... which Mr. Heidecker claims he has. He has made a charity called the Carlos Delgado Fund.

His closing words were (verbatim) ...

... "I was just a man at the scene of a crime."


And thus concluded the trial! How will the jury deliberations go? I don't know. Is he guilty? Is he innocent? Only Old Man Time can Tell us the Answer to That....



The Final Day (Day 6): THE VERDICT 




After five long days of vigorous deliberation the jury has announced at 2pm (eastern time) on November the 28th of the year 2017 their verdict.

You could hear a pin drop as an anxious tension highlighted the silence of the wood paneled court room. The tension was so palpable you could almost cut it up with a rusty knife.

Lo, the unseen foreman of the jury (a solitary female voice who calls out beyond some eerie 4th wall), states that the jury clears Mr. Heidecker on charges of the death of one Sean Levine ... and as for the remaining multitude of charges ... she states the jury was HUNG.

The split jury has resulted in a mistrial as consensus was not reached between the twelve jurors.

During the post-trial press conference District Attorney Rosetti was thankful that he was allowed to make a valiant attempt to fight for justice for the victims. He had little words and was visibly disappointed and saddened by the decision.

Assistant District Attorney, Myriam Waymon, had more to say, including revealing the guilty and not-guilty statistics of the jury. She states 11 members of the jury declared the defendant guilty while 1 member of the jury found him not guilty. The hung jury was 11-1 in favor of a guilty verdict. She goes on to state that her heart is with the victims and states that due to the heavy burden on tax payers it is unlikely that the state will pursue further charges in the case.

Outside the courtroom, an ecstatic Tim Heidecker, held a press conference of his own. He stood in the center of the podium winged by both Katos, Axiom and Manuel (one Kato to his left, and one Kato to his right).

Heidecker thanked the one juror who would not budge on his/her not guilty stance and thus brought about the hung jury and the subsequent mistrial verdict. He blasted his initial defense counsel, Mark Dwyer, for being poor at his job. He blasted D.A. Rosetti and went as far as calling him both a "rat" and a "loser."

He ended by thanking three more parties. Firstly himself, who was basically a "one-man show" in the court room as he describes it, secondly he thanks his brothers, both Katoes, Manuel and Axiom ... and finally he gives a shout out to the victims ... the twenty ... for without them he wouldn't be standing here today ... and Innocent Man.

And thus concluded the Trial of the Century.

Innocent .... and "Unstoppable"