Let's do some more jazzy fluff and some razzy-ma-tazzy filler to cleanse the reader's brain palette before we go Big Time with Elvis.
A few articles ago, I was talking about 80s and early 90s Nostolgia and how for people born in a very specific niche market (say 1977 to 1987) ... stuff from that era, even if just a simple commercial jingle, has the potential to really jog the mind into a nostalgia-laced adventure to the past.
I want to do one, a nostalgier, but I'm gonna add an extra caveat to make the article somewhat harder to do. I'm going to limit the choice to Canadian Content! Which makes the difficulty level for this article about 300% more harder to write ... which will then make it more funner to write.
If I did straight retro we could be here ALL DAY, gang. If I was let off the chain and just wrote about Ghostbusters, and Turtles, and Pizza Commercials from 1990 ... I could easily jam loose like 1000 words in less than twenty whole minutes. The Canadian Content Caveat not only limits the retro topics but it also, I think, makes the article more uniquer because I don't think the average retro 80s kid in the USA or elsewhere ever saw most of these "gems."
Alright so the conditions are to be from the 80s and/or early-ish 90s and it must have been aired in Canada Region.
I actually now think that some of these were seen by American audiences but not on a wide-scale. I know for sure some of the bigger Canadian Contented shows did breach the border. I think "Due South" where the Mountie (who's a very satirical version of a Canadian) teams up with a wise-cracking big city American detective to solve Can-Am connected crimes did. I know that was picked up and aired in America but I don't know as to what scale it was or if it was limited to obscure cable channels.
Let's write about what Canadian Content is first before we start:
Canadian Content, and I know this statement is going to maybe offend some people here, is basically American Content yet campier, cheesier, and with here-and-there mentions of Canadian geography or concepts (a la "Oh hey, let's go to Toronto this weekend" or "My cousin from Vancouver is coming over!")
So say you have an American thing and you want to Canadian-nize it ... It mainly involves making it cheap and campier... and mentioning a few Canadian landmarks. Let us now look at one of the first Canadian "sit-coms" entitled "The Trouble with Tracy" (circa 1971)...
This is competing with juggernauts in the USA such as All in the Family and the Jeffersons ... and what is the first thing you notice about Canada's Sitcom? It's.... it's..... funny for other reasons than the comedy. None of what the actors are doing seems like something that anyone would ever do in a situation that is comedic (i.e. a Sit-Com) ... they are doing forced bits that make very little sense.
That's not to say that all of them were cheesy... one that I liked was called "The King of Kensington" with Al Waxman ... that show was good. Even the intro shows it's good, look:
"Hey! Tikanis KING!"
That intro is fun, and the foreigners sound cool... everyone is happy and having a good time in Al Waxman's show ... and you can devise this simply from the opening. This show is a fairly rarer example of a good Canadian show. If you dig 70s sitcoms you'd like this one too. I wonder why no Ontario area rapper has never made a rap name called the "King of Kenzington" with a Z in it ... that would work as a rap name.
In modern times, now-a-days ... Canadian content varies .... there's some okay stuff like a "Corner Gas" which would be, I guess, a B- or C+ level sitcom in America ... and the most popular show now has got Eugene Levy and his son in it which is comparable to an Americanized sitcom in all forms ... it is called "Schitt's Creek" and is about these rich-wads having to live in some schitty Canadian town. Schitt's Creek is good enough to be aired in USA and probably is on some specialty streams or channels.
Anyways, now let's head into the specific time frame of Today's Article which is the 80s and talk about Canadian Shows from then!
Eighties Canadian Shows!
Various Kids Shows (80s)
Let's talk about the two good ones before we make fun of all the other ones. Friendly Giant and Mr Dress Up were good shows. They hold up to others of their comparitive genre. I wouldn't classify like Captain Kangaroo as being a better show than The Friendly Giant or Mr. Dress Up ... but I wouldn't go as far as to say either of them are PeeWee's Playhouse caliber (which to this very day is the pinnacle and hallmark of Kid's Shows).
So if you are interested in 80s Canadian Kid shows that were good you can watch some The Friendly Giant or some Mr Dress Up ... The Elephant Show was okay too, I guess ... Fred Penner had his moments as well ... and some pre-80s older good ones include Johnny Jellybean and maybe the best one is The Hilarious House of Frightenstein (which had Vincent Price in it!) but let's move on to some of the more memorable ones that were way less good but more memorable for being cheap and weird.
I'm not gonna do Polka Dot Door again. I wrote on the Door a few years ago with a great paragraph, which was 100% true and 0% made-up, about how three-year-old me would literally watch Polka-Dot Door with my Big-Bird Hammer in my hand at all times just in case that 10 foot mutant monster Polkaroo exited the TV screen. I was ready for it. That monster would not get far if he came out of the screen and into to where I was. Not. Far. At. All. That puppet scared kids, man. It did.
Here's some new content for you... let's talk about Anana. Now there's a puppet that could wig kids out...
Anana .... is not a friendly looking puppet.
Tele Francais was a show that was aimed at education and language skill precision acquisition rather than entertainment per say.... and it was fronted by a bird-beaked googly-eyed pineapple that lived in a garbage dump. I was older when I saw this so I was old enough to know that monsters can't exit the TV and murder you ... but I could imagine three year old kids being scared-to-the-bone by this thing. It's not a particularly well made puppet. That thing is no muppet, that's for sure.
The cool thing about Tele Francais though ... is they would show you this IN SCHOOL! Yes, and in the late 80s school televisions were gigantic! Not the screen but the apparatus that accompanied them. Some volunteer older kid from the media room would push in this rig that was about 7 feet high and loaded with VCRs to show the class videos ... the wheeling-in of the TV was an event in itself even if they were just going to show you a talking pineapple monster who lives in a garbage dump. Just the looks in the kids eyes when the TV rig was wheeled in was worth it ... we were all like "It's a TEEEEVEEEEE in school? Yes!" It was an EVENT ... watching TV in SCHOOL was always COOL!
The English language Canadian puppets of the era were no masterpieces either. Let's take a look at Today's Special (a show about a dept. store mannequin who would spring to life at closing time) and bear witness to some more less-than-muppet-calibre puppets:
Here we see a three-person bit where a security guard with a mop on his head, a rat, and a computer attempt to make children laugh. I'm not sure anything here is funny ... even to a small small child. I can see kids being scared by mop-man and rat-thing though. I've seen public-access American puppet shows from the 80s (David Liebe Hart style stuff) and I'd probably put Today's Special puppets in league with those shows if you're wondering what is of comparable aesthetics.
As time progressed Canadian puppets got a bit better with things like "Under the Umbrella Tree" which has better puppets but still gives off more of a David Liebe Hart puppet vibe than anything more muppet-esque. The Blue Jay puppet on Under the Umbrellla tree I'd rank as pretty decent.
The most popular kids cartoon which aired exclusively to Canada was The Raccoons ... which is a decent cartoon. To be honest though, I wouldn't place it in the top 20 even of 80s cartoons. It was okay ... but it was nothing to write home about. The writing and animation was good though ... it's not something you'd watch to laugh at, the Raccoons, was a top notch show in quality terms. The only reason I don't have the fondest of nostalgia for it is because when compared to its American or Japanese counterparts I don't think the Raccoons was close to being one of the best cartoons of the 80s not even by a long shot ... here's the intro if you are interested in what the show looked like:
I think they over-used the Burt character until he was an ad-nausea part of the show. I preferred the dog family, and the villain's son who was a nerdy character moreso than Burt who was really forced on you to like him ... he tried too hard, I think, Burt Raccoon.
My Secret Identity (1988)
Oooooh you'll never knoooooow my Secret Iden-tity!
I would be pretty surprised if this great show didn't bleed its way into the USA and other regions globally... this show was GOOD and not just for a Canadian Show I mean GOOD by any standards.
If you're not familiar with this show imagine you took Kevin Arnold and Super Man and made them the same person. Yeah. It's a cool show.
I think it might even be the inspiration for Doogie Howser in the States ... which I will admit was a show I did not like very much. The premise to Doogie Howser was, I guess, a super smart Kevin Arnold but in the confines of reality where he had no outworldish powers ... just he was smart. I find Doogie Howser to be less-believable as a premise than My Secret Identity to be frank with you. The premise to Doogie Howser is a stretch at best and grossly negligent at worst. Can you imagine in real life you take your grandma or grandpa in to get open heart surgery and some kid walks out and pretentiously tells you "Your Grandpa's in good hands .. mine ... the hands of a pre-pubecent wunder-kid!" ... most of us would be like ... "No way, Jose!"
Jerry O'Connell was not just a smart Kevin Arnold here ... he was Super Man! He could fly! He could run fast! He could punch adults! YES!
Man, this show invaded my day dreams at school in the early 90s like no other. I'd be like in gym class playing european hand-ball or some crap ... and then boom.... day dream time! All these snake monsters, worm mutants, mecha-godzillas, and spider gremlins would just INVADE gym class ... and I'd start flying and suplexin' 'em like it was nothing ... all the girls would be like "woahhhhh" and I'd turn to everyone and be like .... "Well, I guess you all just didn't knooooooow about my Secret Iden-tity! OWWWWW!" and then gently moon-walk out of the gymnasium.
I can't be the only one that had that day dream at school ... I bet most if not all Canadian 80s Kids did. I would even venture a fairly educated guess that to Canadian 80s Kids Jerry O'Connell is much bigger than Kevin Arnold. Much bigger.
T & T (1988)
You also could have called this "Cheesy A-Team."
This time around B.A., oops I mean T.S. Turner was framed for a crime he didn't even commit but is saved by a savvy Canadian lawyer who's name also starts with T ... as to which T and T recruit a band of street smart orphans, ex-detectives, street urchins and family members to solve crimes together!
You see in the intro stuff blowing up right? So you think ... oh wow Cheesy The A Team is going to have several explosions here and there, right? No, wrong. Mr. T solves crimes with orphans more than anything and I don't think, if memory serves me right, he ever built one single sports van into a battle-mounted artillery vehicle to bust out of a cave he and his team were trapped in.
Even though it's a decent show, part of you yearns for something more as you watch it. You're thinking things like... "Oh, this is it! This is gonna be the episode I bet where George Peppard will show up portraying retired Canadian General Hawk DesJardins and he will inform T.S. Turner of a secret mission to overthrow the Guatamala Government that will require T.S. to mount a missile launcher onto a canoe!!!"
....but no, the episode would just be like Mr. T helping one of the kids from Road to Avonlea find his dead beat dad or something.
I wish cross-overs were bigger back then. You know what would have been cool? A "My Secret Identity" and "T and T" cross over month where both shows combined. Jerry O'Connell would get into a mess he could not get out of, even with the help of Dr. Jeffcoate''s science.... and they'd hire the private investigation services of T and T ... and lo! Mr. T would trip over one of Dr. Jeff Coat's kooky experiments and re-gain the powers he had on the A-Team and MORE!
"Hey keed! I can fly!? I hate heights! I ain't gettin' on a PLANE let alone flyin' like a damned bird, SUCKAH!"
"It's okay T.... you'll get used to it... just I like I did. I was a regular kid at school, think about I must've felt after tripping over Benjamin Jeff Coat's kooky science experiments!"
"Dang, keed. Oh well... I guess we better go stop those criminals now that we BOTH have incredible Super Powers!"
Again, that never happened on T and T.... which again makes you wonder what could have been.
The Littlest Hobo (1979)
This one creeks into the seventies but it's okay we'll let it through just as an excuse to get this song into this article....
Hmm... I'm gonna put the lyrics in Italics too...
Theres a voice, That keeps on calling me
Down the road, Thats where I'll always be
Every stop I make, I make a new friend
Can't stay for long, Just turn around
and I'm gone again
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on
Down this road, That never seems to end
When adventure lies just around the bend
so if you want to join me for awhile
just grab your hat, come travel light
thats hobo style
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down
Until tomorrow, The whole world is my home
so if you want to join me for awhile
just grab your hat, come travel light
thats hobo style
Theres a world just waiting to unfold
brand new tale no one has ever told
we've journeyed far but, you know it won't be long
we're almost there, and we've paid our fare with the hobo song
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down......
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.................
Yes, that's Hobo-Style, friends. I would rank this show's opening in the Top 10 of ANY region. This is up there with the best of the best in terms of openings not just limited to Canadian ones.
I saw a guy on Twitter last year or so have this big Canadian Content Tournament where it was head to head polls and the winner would advance to the next round .. I can't re-find it now ... I only saw it because members of the Kids in The Hall were commenting on it on Twitter. Anyways, The Littlest Hobo lost in the prelimary rounds to ... DEGRASSI HIGH!?
It was one of the most effronterous elections I had ever witnessed in the entirety of my entire life. The Little Hobo, the greatest dog, losing in the first round to Degrassi? No. No. Noooo. No.
The theme song alone for the Littlest Hobo is probably the greatest Canadian-based Content ever made ... it can't lose to a syrupy high school over-drama. If you've never seen Degrassi High it's like Saved by The Bell but if they touched on such obscene and silly topics at the drop of a dime in the corniest of methods. Like say, Screech wakes up one day and catches the AIDS ... and everyone has to learn what AIDS is for a half hour ... that's what Degrassi was. Just content that was sooooo over the top.
That guy who hangs out behind the Raptors bench and keeps them exceptionally motivated was on Degrassi, Drake, playing like a kid in a wheel chair, I think... I don't remember ... it was not a show I would watch by choice and don't remember much of it.
I am very surprised DeGrassi is so fondly remembered by Canadians to the point where it would easily defeat The Littlest Hobo in a King of the Ring style online vote. I always found it corny to the point where you'd laugh at it ... instead of beautiful and great like The Littlest Hobo was.
Teenager shows were really hit-and-miss in Canada. I wouldn't for the life of me have thought Degrassi had the fan base it did. Personally, I didn't like any of the Teenager Canada Shows. Though I do have a soft spot for the intro to Neon Rider which was a good song....
Get on up Off of them Streets!
Neon had a cool song but was aimed at a Central Canada demographic ... which means everyone has a horse on the show. Neon Rider was a guy who owned a ranch where he taught wayward deliquent teenagers how to ride horses ... it is one of a great deal of Horse Shows I can think of that have aired in Canada over the years. I think "Corner Gas" is the only show set in either Saskatchewan or Alberta where no one has a horse.
The Littlest Hobo transcended all demographics ... regional, geographical, age, everything else ... how can you not like the Hobo? He's the best. His song is the best, too. How he lost to Degrassi on an unscientific online social media tournament is so confusing for me... it really is.
Conclusion
Okay, So now you know what it was to be an 80s Kid .... In Canada! It must have been such an out-of-body experience for you that I will allot you a few seconds to recollect yourself.
It must have been fun to vicariously know what it was like to be a Canadian person and watch TV in the eighties! I'm sure it broadened your world view and made you feel more Wordly than you did yesterday.
Okay, bye.
