Part III: The Thrilling Conclusion!

I don't know how many people were reading my Harry Agganis / Kolchak meets Kojak story... but even if there is one person out there waiting for the ending... I should do it, still. I feel I have to.

Even if no one cares how it ends... the story now exists... so I owe it to the Story itself (which is now a real thing that is part of Culture and everything) for it to have an ending... at the very least.

So here's Part I of Part III of the Thrilling Conclusion of the Story!!!



Last time we left our heroes... Harry Agganis was battling the three-headed Silver Hydra in Heaven whilst new fast-friends Kojak and Kolchak had just arrived in Heaven... and finally, or so it seemed, Kojak could, at last, ask Harry Agganis about James Cullen... and put his mind at ease... for Kojak had been troubled for decades after a bizarre stranger gave him a lift and mentioned Harry Agganis's name in a spooky high-pitched voice after Kojak ran out of gas in Long Island after dropping off a date and eating at a White Castle....

Kojak and Kolchak, had finally made it to Heaven ... under the guise of food delivery men... who were bringing Zeus, Apollo, and Artemis concessions and snacks to eat during the softball game... in large part thanks to Kolchak's acquaintance, Kaz, who's knowledge of Greek Mythology led them to offer Artemis some baklava and be cordially invited up to Heaven....

Harry Agganis faked to the left and attacked to the right with Mjolnir his mighty bat! The left-most head of the Hydra bit down on the bat! Harry Agganis fought to pull it out but he was almost out of strength.

Kojak: What kinda baseball is this? Why's there a weird monster fighting the Golden Greek Harry Agganis... All American... for?

Artemis: There's enough baklava here ... but where's the flaky spinach stuff?

Kojak: What?

Apollo: The mortal food with the spinach... it's like a spinach pie... but like small ones... we need some of that too.

Kolchak: No, no, no.... you told us you needed more baklava... and that was it.

Artemis: I don't think so... I'm pretty sure we ordered the thing with the spinach too.

Kaz: No. I was there. If you said that then we would have brought you some spanakopita!

Apollo: Spanakopita! That's it! I always forget what you mortals call that stuff. It's so amazingly good though.

Kaz: How come you guys can't make spanakopita in Heaven?

Artemis: Poseidon friggin' flooded a whole island once to teach this slightly over-weight demi-god a lesson... which was dumb... because that was the island where we grew spinach. It made no sense either because I doubt that guy got over-weight from eating spinach... so that moral made no sense whatsoever.

Apollo: Poseidon does the dopiest stuff sometimes. I'm glad we kicked him out of the softball series many centuries ago.

Kolchak: I hope you don't mind me saying, but, this operation you got going on up here... this whole "Heaven" thing ... it's not really that organized is it?

Zeus: .........?

Artemis: What are you talking about? This is Heaven! It's the most beautiful and best thing, like, that exists....ever.

Kolchak: It seems violent, disorganized, not-that-civilized, and sort of primitive up here... do you guys even have TV in Heaven?

Apollo: What is Tee..... Vee?

Zeus: Mortal. You ask too many questions. We want spanakopita.... and we want it... NOW!

Thunder boomed as Zeus demanded Spanakopita! Kolchak's spine quivered...

Kolchak: Oh. Uh. Oh yes... your majesty... oh great and powerful .... uhh.....

Kaz: Zeus.

Kolchak: Yeah, Zeus. We'll go back down and get you some... we must've misheard the order you placed with us.

Artemis: Okay. Great... tell Kaz's Yaya I love her baklava. It's so good.

Kaz: Gee, thanks, lady Artemis. I must say....uhhh.... you are very beautiful.

Artemis blushed at Kaz's compliment.

Artemis: Oh my God! Thanks, Kaz. They say the only way into an archer's heart is through fine cuisine.... and you are off to a banging start, mortal!

Kojak: Hold on you Gods, you! I have to talk to that man fighting the monster over there on the field! This is urgent police business!

Kojak flashed his badge....

Apollo: What?

Kojak: NYPD... I'm investigating the death of Harry Agganis and Artemis is my prime suspect. Let me talk to him, right now, and I'll put in a good word for you, baby, I'll try to get the DA to drop the charges, honey.

Artemis: What's a DA? Who are you? Go and get me spanakopita before my father zaps you into nothingness with the Bolt of Judgement..... okay?

Kolchak: I think you're out of your jurisdiction here, Kojak... I think we better listen to this nice benevolent deity.... isn't that right, Kaz?

Kaz: Yeah.... please Kojak.... let's go back.

Kojak: But I'm so close to finally asking Harry Agganis about the man in the Black Cadillac! I'm not just leaving now! He's gonna be dead even-more than he is now soon... and he'll be out of Heaven and in Hell when that Monster gets through with him!

Artemis: Like I told you... time up here isn't like time down there where you smelly beasts are from! You could spend like two weeks back on earth and I won't even have taken two more bites of baklava! He's not gonna be defeated by the time you get back... how long you think he can still last, Ap?

Apollo: He barfed up most of the Longevity Peaches but his stamina is still pretty good. He can't win a three-on-one ... but he'll probably get at least one head down... and then probably kick the bucket. I'd say another hour or so.

Artemis: You could take a month, down there, in that crappy realm of yours and he won't even be decapitated yet..... probably.

Kolchak: A month? Hmmmmm.

The never-stopping gears of total intuitive intelligent thought started spinning fast inside of Kolchak's noggin!

Kojak: What are you scheming about, Kolchak?

Kolchak: A month.... we could really cook up quite a bit of spano copeeta in a whole month, couldn't we?

Artemis: Yeah, you better, yeah.

Kolchak whispered so only Kojak and Kaz could hear his next statement...

Kolchak: Oh we'll cook up something, alright. Pssssst.... I got a plan.

Kojak: What kind of a plan!?

Kolchak: Shhhhhh... keep your voice down, Kojak. Come here, you too Kaz. Now listen... we're only three guys right? We'll never be able to take on these whackos with just the three of us.

Kojak: You're right. So, what do we do?

Kolchak: While Kaz goes to his Yaya's to make some spano... uh....

Kaz: Spanakopita.

Kolchak: Yeah some spano-copeetas.... I'm gonna put an ad out on the INS wire... looking for a few good men!

Kojak: To bolster our numbers?

Kolchak: Exact-a-mundo, Kojak. I'd say we'd need another four able-bodied guys like you, me, and Kaz to really get through the red-tape up here in this bureaucracy to get you to Harry Agganis.

Kojak: The G-men up here are worse than the G-men down there!

Kolchak: Tell me about it. Another four free-spirited hot-heads like us is all we'll need to show these stuffy Gods how we get things done down in our neck-of-the-woods.

Kojak: You're really something... you know that Kolchak. I love ya, baby!

Kolchak: Save the compliments for later.... for now... we got a helluva lotta spano copeetas to make!

Kaz: Damn right!

Kojak: Alright!

Kolchak: Artemis doesn't hate you, yet, Kaz... so you deal with her.

Kaz: Okie doke. Say.... uh.... your greatness.... madame moiselle.... Artemis... your godliness.... uuhh.... your holiness.

Artemis: Yeah?

Kaz: We're so sorry for making an error in your order. I will return to my Yaya's with the utmost haste and remedy this awful situation. Please give us a small matter of time and you will have more than enough spanakopita than you can handle... your gracehood.

Artemis: Okay, thanks Kaz! Bye.



To be continued.....

The very next earthly day... on earth.... at the INS offices in beautiful Downtown Chicago....

A weary, tired, and rustled trio enter the office.... a man looks up from his desk at them... a little bit confused... yet at the same time totally completely uninterested... Tony Vincenzo greets them.

Tony Vincenzo: Where have you guys been!?

Kolchak: Heaven.

Tony Vincenzo: Oh, ok.

Tony Vincenzo went back to his work. Checking the yellow sheet.

Miss Emily: Oh my, Mr. Kojak, you seem so fatigued, my dear. Would you like some coffee?

Kojak: Miss Emily...

He took her hand into his...

Miss Emily: Oh, Kojak.

Kojak: Miss Emily, I just came back from Heaven... and there was not a sight there that could rival the beauty upon my gaze as I look into your incredible eyes...

Miss Emily: Oh.

Kojak: Miss Emily, what I am about to say next to you, is from the most profound portion of the deepest region of my fast-beating heart....

Miss Emily: Yes?

Kojak: If a man, such as I, could somehow be in two places at once... at two different intervals of time....

Miss Emily: ....Yes?

Kojak: I'd only wish to be with You.... Tomorrow.... and.... Today.

Miss Emily: Oooooh my, Mr. Kojak.

Miss Emily spilled the coffee on the floor instead of into the cup....

Tony Vincenzo: Miss Emily! The coffee!

Miss Emily: Oooh.... oops. I... I... was a little muddled for a moment, there.

Kolchak: Ghee whiz.

Kaz: I wish I could say things like that to Lady Artemis. Speaking of which, I should get going to my Yaya's to get Lady Artemis her spanakopita.

Kolchak: Good idea, Kaz. Meanwhile, I got to get cracking on my ad!

Tony Vincenzo: Your ad?

Kojak: Yeah, we're gonna put an ad over the wire to recruit some back-up for when we go back to Heaven.

Tony Vincenzo: .......Yeah, well, ok. You do that.

Kolchak began typing on his typewriter... with some ticks, some tacks, a few spaces, and a DING!

Are you an able-bodied free-spirit looking for Adventure?
Are you willing to drop what you are doing to come with us to Heaven?
Are you unafraid of trouble and one who enjoys laughing in the face of Danger?
Are you totally one-hundred-percent alright with fighting three-headed Monsters?

If you have answered "Yes" to any, most, or all of the above....
...please contact myself or Kojak at INS, PO BOX: 365

Include a short resume of your skills and/or talents. Interested parties will be contacted within the week. Only the best of the resumes shall be considered.

P.S.
URGENT!

-Carl Kolchak

Kojak: That's great! We're bound to get some replies to something that good.

Tony Vincenzo: I'm not letting you run that nonsense over the wire, you two. No way.

Kolchak: But why, Tony?

Tony Vincenzo: It's... crazy guy stuff. How many times have I told you to try to avoid the crazy guy stuff?

Kojak: This is urgent police business, Mr. Vincenzo. It's by no means... crazy guy stuff.

Tony Vincenzo took a bite out of his cherry-cheese danish....

Tony Vincenzo: Okay, okay, okay.... I have a headache... I'm not gonna argue with you this time, Carl.

Kolchak: Tony, thank you.... now, once this is out on the wire... we're gonna get a lot of replies from some pretty stalwart fellows... so let's brew some more coffee, sit tight, and wait for the avalanche of letters to arrive here.

Kojak: Great thinking.... I'm hungry. Let's order something.

Kolchak: More Greek?

Kojak: No, something different, today. How 'bout....

Tony Vincenzo: ....Pizza.

Kojak: Yeah, pizza.

Miss Emily: Sounds good.

Kolchak: Pizza it is....

Kolchak sent the bulletin he wrote over the wire, put his legs on his desk, his head back, his straw hat over his eyes... and waited for the replies of able-bodied fellows and the pizza to arrive....

To be Continued......


A few days had gone by and no one had yet replied to Kolchak's sincere plea to bold fellows....

Kolchak and Kojak were waiting in the INS office... drinking coffee and eating some donuts....when the telephone rang.

Miss Emily: INS, whom may I ask is calling?

Voice on Telephone: Oh, uh, hello there, ma'am, I...uhhh.... don't mean to bother you on a gorgeous day like this one. I'm calling from L.A. and the weather out here is just fantastic... my wife wanted to go to the park and feed the pigeons and look at the squirrels on such a nice day as this... but I just don't have the time to go with her... you see... I uuhhmmm... I saw something on the wire today... and it sort of peaked my intrigue a little bit, I'd say.

Miss Emily: Yes?

Voice on Telephone: Yes, this ad running on the news wire service we have down at the precinct. I can't seem to take my mind off of it...

Miss Emily: Oh, are you an officer of the law, sir?

Voice on Telephone: Yes, yes, I am. I'm a lieutenant with the LAPD.... now, I, uhhh, this isn't exactly police business, you see. I just find myself, how should I put this, Miss.... uhhm... what was your name?

Miss Emily: Emily.

Voice on Telephone: Yes, Emily. Well, you see Miss Emily, I just find this ad to be something I can't quite place in my head into a satisfactory spot in my head's file cabinet, you see. It sticks out like a sore thumb is what I'd describe it as. Is there anything you can tell me about this odd plea to venture to Heaven?

Miss Emily: I think I better pass you to Carl.....

Miss Emily turned from her desk to Kolchak's desk and said....

Miss Emily: Carl, it's an officer from the LAPD for you.

Tony Vincenzo: LAPD!? What now? Ohhhh... I see. You two bums never went to any "Heaven"... you were in a city of Angels, alright! Los Angeles! That's where! Carl if you got in trouble in L.A. this time... I can't help you!

Kolchak: We weren't in L.A., Tony, give me a break. The last time I was in L.A. was years ago when that Zombie Hippie was terrorizing West Hollywood! Lemme see what this is all about.

Kolchak picked up the receiver...

Kolchak: Kolchak, INS.

Voice on Telephone: Oh yes, hi there, Kolchak. I'm calling you about this ad in the wire... about the dropping what I was doing and going to fight a bunch of ghosts out there in, where was it, oh yes... Heaven.

Kolchak: Not ghosts. Just a three-headed dragon. Breathes fire.

Voice on Telephone: Oh, yes. Of course, a dragon. Yes. What was I thinking... of course it's a dragon. Yes. Now, I was just wondering...

Kolchak: Who is this?

Voice on Telephone: I was just wondering.... I mean it seems so... how shall I put this delicately now, Mr. Kolchak....

Kolchak: Crazy?

Voice on Telephone: Yes. That's it. Crazy.

Kolchak: I don't think this sort of thing is for you... Mr... uhhh....

Voice on Telephone: Well, wait now, I didn't say just because it was crazy that I was put off by it... I uhhh.... I'm a regular kinda guy, a real normal typa guy... I have a sense of humor and a waning interest in the unusual to some extent... and I sense an honesty about this ad that intrigues me. I was wondering if I could fly down from L.A. and speak to you and this Kojak fellow in person if that's alright with you.

Kolchak: Sure thing. Can you wire me a resume, sir? We can't just bring any ol' Tom, Dick, or Harry up there and include them in our unique force of Bold Heroes. 

Voice on Telephone: I'm not really a resume sort of guy, Mr. Kolchak. My wife typed one out for me, once, but that was many many years ago. I don't know if I have one and she's not around right now and....

Kolchak: Alright, alright... just tell me a bit about yourself.

Voice on Telephone: Myself? Oooh Well, I'm not that interesting, you see. I'm just an old flat-foot with a bad neck. Not much to see here. Now, Mr. Kolchak, I just have another question about your urgent plea to venture to Heaven... I was just thinking... it's not something you hear about very often. Have you been sleeping alright?

Kolchak: Yeah, like a baby. Ever since I got rid of that nasty curse.

Voice on Telephone: Nasty curse?

Kolchak: Yup, a Jiangshi sequestered my mind for a short time but Kojak came from New York to help me seal him in a runic barrier and pour salt in his mouth.

Voice on Telephone: I see. I see. That's something isn't it? How did you get it to willingly open its mouth for you to pour the salt into it?

Kolchak: Well, officer, my pal Kojak was hiding behind a big ol' oak tree and shot 'em full of jujube seeds and then I was able to throw some salt packets into his hideous craw and sew his mouth shut with a sewing needle.

Voice on Telephone: Oh, well, that's par for the course. Yeah... I mean, what else would you do?

Kolchak: Say, officer, I didn't catch your name yet...

Voice on Telephone: Yeah, yeah... Jiangshi.... wow, that's, wow. That's wild. Lemme ask you, Mr. Kolchak... you just seem to know so much about all these wild outrageous things... what can you tell me about... hmmm... how can I put this... it's a real tricky one this one... hmmmmm.... do you know anything about a Zombie Hippie that a coupla years ago terrorized the denizens of West Hollywood?

Kolchak: Nope. Not a thing. Don't know nuthin' 'bout nuthin'.

Tony Vincenzo rolled his eyes....

Voice on Telephone: Okay, it was silly of me to bring that up. Let's get back to the Heaven thing, now. I shouldn't bring up random things like that for no reason, you know, my wife gets on my case about me going off track all the time, it just drives her nuts, Mr. Kolchak. I think I need to come down there and talk to you person to person... is that alright?

Kolchak put his hand on the receiver so only Kojak could hear his next statement...

Kolchak: This cop clown from L.A. wants to come down and join our unique force... what should I tell him?

Kojak: He's the only one crazy enough to inquire so far. If he's nuts... then he probably won't lose his cool when we try and extract the prisoner, one Harry Agganis, from behind enemy lines, up there, on Olympus.

Kolchak: He might be just on my case about the Zombie Hippie, though. I was banished for life from California by the governor after that story broke.... I bet he's probably just a G-Man from California out to put the ol' kibosh on ol' Kolchak. He wants to fly down, what should I say, Kojak?

Kojak: Tell him to come... if he turns out to be a fed out for your hide... I got your back, baby.

Kolchak: Ok.

Kolchak took his hand off the bottom of the receiver of the telephone....

Kolchak: Alright come down here any time. We'll be here. Mr....

Voice on Telephone: Columbo.

Kolchak: Right, Mr. Columbo, right.

Voice on Telephone: Lieutenant Columbo.

Kolchak: Right, right. Lieutenant Columbo. Okay, bye.

Columbo: Alright, take care, I'll catch the next flight Mr. Kolchak....



Two days passed....


Kolchak was peering out of the venetian blinds, scoping out the exterior of the INS offices, like a hawk... waiting for this shady Columbo guy to arrive.

Tony Vincenzo: Another cop is coming here? Oooooh brother.

Tony Vincenzo put down his cup of coffee and put his head into both of the palms of his hands. He was greatly disparaged...

Kolchak: Oh don't worry, Tony. I don't think he wants to interrogate me over my knowledge of what transpired that cold, damp, windy, and dark night down in West Hollywood.... I think he just wants to come to Heaven with us.

Tony Vincenzo's head fell further into his hands.... more disparaged.

Just then a 1959 Peugeot 403 with a tarnished greyish-blue paint job pulled into the INS offices parking lot...and a crooked looking man with a disheveled tan suit exited the vehicle smokin' a big stogie.

Kolchak: That's gotta be him! That's gotta be the guy on the phone!

Kojak: Oh no.

Kolchak: What?

Kojak: His car looks like your suit!

Kolchak: I know! Isn't that great!? I already like this guy.

Kojak: .....

Columbo knocked on the door, tried to open it, fidgeted with the lock a few times.... then got the door open to the INS office....

Kolchak: Hey there! Columbo! Ol' pal! Is that a PEUGEOT!? Wow!

Columbo: Well, it 'aint a Bugatti.

Kolchak: It's a real beaut, Columbo!

Columbo: Thanks, sorry if I umm.... look or have an aura or smell about me... you see... I uhhh drove from L.A.... I uhhhh... I just wanted to take some time away from work and enjoy the ride.

Kojak: Come here, Kolchak.

Kojak and Kolchak took a few steps away from Columbo and turned their backs to this unsightly man from the City of Angels.

Kojak: Pssssst, this bum has a crooked eye.

Kolchak: It might be a glass one... maybe he just lost it in 'Nam or something.

Kojak: Give this joker the run-around, Kolchak. He's a bum. We're not taking this guy to Heaven... he's just gonna slow down our unique force of Bold Heroes. He's no good.

Columbo: Say there, Mr. Kojak, is it? I don't think we've yet had the pleasure of making our acquaintance as of yet. You must be the other name in the ad... the ad about going to uhhhh...

Kojak: HEAVEN BUSTER! Look, pal, I know you think we're a buncha mixed nuts over here and I bet the feds down in Cali are hot to us... thinkin' we're some kind of drug fiends up to some crazy guy stuff... but I'm from the NYPD! I'm not gonna play any games with you, pal, this ad is as REAL as it GETS. You follow me, baby?

Columbo: I see. Say, Mr. Kojak... what sort of car do you drive? I mean your colleague seems awfully impressed by my humble chariot out there. I take it you two are into cars?

Kojak: ....?

Columbo: I'm not really one that's really too big on cars. I just need something that gets me somewhere, you know? Four wheels on a steerin' wheel, you know? My wife on the other hand? I never hear the end of it. She wants me to scrap this quaint ol' Peugeot and get a new...uhh... one of those Japanese ones... from Japan.... you know?

Kolchak: See that '66 Mustang, off-yellow, you parked next to, Columbo? That's mine.

Columbo: That's fantastic, Mr. Kolchak. I have to say it really suits your character.

Kolchak: Thanks.

Tony Vincenzo: Oh brother.

Tony Vincenzo's head was now on his desk nestled between the insides of his elbows like a pillow. His head ached very badly.

Kojak: Listen, you cross-eyed bum! Listen up and listen good! If you're not gonna take this mission seriously then turn around, walk out, and don't let the door whack yer dirty ass on the way out!

Kojak opened his jacket... displaying his Rosco at his hip.

Columbo: I understand, Mr. Kojak. NYPD huh? I went to one of their... what was it... a policeman's ball one year. It was nice. My wife and myself went all the way to New York and we had some hors d'oeuvres and some beers and I smoked a big fat cigar with the one of the Sergeants... what a nice man. Wonderful guy he was. Gave me one of his cigars....Oh wait... you never told me what kind of car you drive, Mr. Kojak.

Kojak: A Buick Century... it 'aint no Bugatti either, baby.

Kolchak: Nice.

Columbo: If you don't mind my asking... what year?

Kojak: '73.

Columbo: What kind of paint job you slap on that thing, Mr. Kojak?

Kojak: Brown, baby. All brown, all the way down.

Columbo: That sounds beautiful. They're so big and roomy, lotsa and lotsa leg room in those ones, isn't there? It's so big.... it's like drivin' a boat down the street... a big brown boat.

Kojak, hesitant at first, was starting to warm up to Columbo.... he closed his jacket... re-hiding his big bad Rosco.

Kojak: Yeah. Yeah it is.

Columbo: Now... I hope I'm not intruding here but... would you fill me in on why you want or maybe need to go to Heaven?

Kojak: Sure.... It started a little something....like this: The year? The year was nineteen fifty.... maybe eight... or fifty six.... and I had just had a wonderful date with a beautiful gal who sadly has since passed.... I dropped her off after we had some wine n' baguettes at some little French restaurant... it went well... I was still hungry though. She liked the food but I found it over-priced and it didn't appease my appetite... so... I went to a White Castle to get a slider n' some wavy fries n' an ice cold beverage.

Columbo: Sorry to interject, but, what sort of beverage?

Kojak: No worries, Columbo. It was cola. I had an ice cold cola.

Columbo: Did it hit the spot?

Kojak: Yeah.... and then I was driving home when I suddenly ran out of gas. Or wait.... I think I ran out of gas and then went to White Castle. Yes! I remember now because I spent my last dollar on that food... which was a mistake. The guy at White Castle, the burger kid, or the fry chef, or whatever... he told me there's a gas station up the road... so I started walking through the uhhh....

Columbo: Through the woods?

Kojak: No, not exactly, it was more like a wooded-area. Yeah, a wooded-area.... and so, I'm walking and this strange eerie voice calls to me from a Black Cadillac! It says "IIIIIIIIIIIII CAAAAAAAN GIIIIIIIVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU A RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE........"

Columbo: Oh I know this one... I've heard this joke. It's the one with the radar gun. That joke?

Kojak: This isn't a joke! This is real and it changed my life, for the worse, forever! Now listen... I get in the car.

Columbo: Why?

Kojak: What do you mean, "why"?

Columbo: I don't want to come off as rude, Mr. Kojak, but if some spooky man with a high-pitched voice said to me.... "COOOOOOOME INTOOOOOO MY CAAAAAAAAR!" I would've turned, booked it, flat-foot n' hightail... and skeddaddled outta there.

Kojak: What? I was out of gas... the guy wanted to drive me to the gas station so I could buy a can n' get some gas! It was a very nice gesture!

Columbo: Were you driving a '73 Buick Century back then?

Kojak: No. Anyways, now listen to this part, now, Columbo, okay? This guy... while we were driving goes "DOOOOO YOOOOOOOOOU KNOOOOOOOOOOOW HAAAAAAAAAAARRY AGGAAAAAAAAAAAAANIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS?" out of the clear blue sky!

Columbo: The baseball player?

Kojak: Yes, but we weren't talkin' baseball. We get to the gas station, I remember I spent my last dollar on burgers n' fries...

Columbo: ...n' a nice ice cold cola.

Kojak: That's right. The guy lends me a dollar, drops me off, I get a can n' some gas, and then he drives me back to my car. It was so nice of him. The next day, a big headline is all over the news... "Golden Greek Goes Upstairs!"... the same guy he mentioned! Harry Agganis! That guy died!

Columbo: That's a coincidence.

Kojak: No, it was too bizarre to be that. Come on, Columbo. Anyways, now listen, this next part is gonna floor you! It's gonna give ya two glass eyes! It's gonna knock yer good eye loose, baby. Listen....

Columbo: All ears, sir.

Kojak: He gave me a number and an address to send him back the dollar... I call this number... this lady with a nice, soft, and sweet voice answers... she's like.... "Jimmy's Bar".... and I'm like... "Yeah, lemme speak with Mr. Cullen, please".... and she looses it on me and is like.... "YOU PIECE OF WHATEVER! HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR MANY YEARS NOW! WHO IS THIS!?"

Kolchak: Get ready for this part, Columbo!

Columbo braced himself....

Kojak: Hold on to your seat, Columbo.... I invite this lady down to Long Island to meet with her... because I just couldn't let it go... and I take her out for a lovely date.... I tell her about the white suit.

Columbo: He had a white suit?

Kojak: Yeah, why did I forget that part? Oh... yeah he had a white suit on in the Black Cadillac. Anyways... she goes...."That's the suit he was BURIED IN!"

Columbo: No...... impossible.

Kojak: Oh it's possible, pal. She showed me his signature from, like, a scrap book from the army or something... and the handwriting in his note to me....

Columbo: The note on where to send the dollar?

Kojak: Yes. It was the exact same handwriting.

Columbo: My gosh. That's the icing on the cake, ain't it?

Kojak: I told her about his spooky high-pitched voice... but she told me... when she knew 'em, James Cullen, had a voice silky-smooth like deep vermilion satin like mine. But....

Columbo: But, what, Mr. Kojak?

Kolchak: Here it comes!

Kojak: Here's the piece de resistance, Columbo. You know how she told me this guy died?

Columbo: How did this Cullen guy die?

Kojak put two fingers to his own neck....

Kojak: Boom, Columbo, right in the box... the voice box.... boom.

Columbo was speechless. The once cunning mental faculties of Columbo were at once reduced to nothing. This story had left him utterly perturbed straight down to his very core.

Columbo: My goodness.... my goodness. I have to admit, Mr. Kojak, this is by far the most incredible story I've ever heard in my entire life. But, just one question, I have, Mr. Kojak.... a small one, if you don't mind...

Kojak: Shoot, Columbo.

Columbo: What on earth does Harry Agganis have to do with any of this?

Kolchak: That's what we're trying to figure out, lieutenant! That's why we need to go to Heaven! Harry Agganis is up there fighting some monster on a primitive softball field!

Columbo: ......

Columbo's eyes blinked, his crooked glass eye swayed gently in the moment, he was at a loss for words for the first time he could ever remember.

Meanwhile from Tony Vincenzo's desk a loud snore pierced the pregnant pause...

Tony Vincenzo: Snooooooooore.

Kolchak: Sorry, Tony's not much for great stories, Columbo.

Columbo, still virtually speechless, finally shook his head and came back from his mental stupor over Kojak's amazing tale of the super natural and super normal...

Columbo: ......just one more thing.

Kojak: What is it, lieutenant Columbo?

Columbo: Wasn't Ted Williams on those Red Sox back then when Harry Agganis was around? Back in the fifties?

Kojak: That's right.

Columbo: Do you guys know... you'll never believe this... that the year he hit over four hundred back then... Ted Williams almost sat out the last game?

Kolchak: Sure do.

Tony Vincenzo finally awoke from his slumber...

Tony Vincenzo: Yeah, he coulda sat it out, but he didn't! He insisted on playin' and went SIX for EIGHT...

Kojak: ...in a double-header....

Kolchak: ....and finished that season clocking in at a nice four-oh-six. How 'bout that?

Columbo: Say, I uh, I have to be frank with you, Mr. Kolchak.... I came down here on orders from my superiors down in California to obtain information on how you were connected to the tragic event that occurred down in West Hollywood a few years ago.... but... I can't in good conscience continue my investigation of you....you're just too great a guy... such a swell guy.... and... I don't know how to put this exactly...

Kolchak: It's okay, Columbo, just let the words flow from the honesty of your powerful heart...

Columbo: I humbly ask the two of yous......to take me to Heaven with you!!

Kolchak: Welcome aboard, amigo.

Kojak: I'm starting to think we can do this! Welcome to the team Columbo.... welcome to our Unique Force of Bold Heroes!


To Be Continued.....

The next day at INS.......

Columbo: Say, maybe we could change some things in this ad...

Kojak: Why? It's perfect.

Columbo: To you twos it is... but to the average sittin'-aroun' bold fellow lookin' for some adventure it might come across... as... how should I put this.... you know... a little weird.

Kolchak: Maybe you're right.

Columbo: How 'bout we send out a second one and just ask the bold fellow basic things like what sort of car he drives or what kind of work he does.

Kolchak: Makes sense... I'll try something new today.

Just then a knock came rattling on the door! All of their glances shot at the knock! The door opened and two men entered... one of considerable girth and the second in his advanced years and who had a frail demeanor.

Tony Vincenzo was the last of them to look towards the door as he was already weary and the day had barely even began...

Meanwhile Kolchak looked out of the venetian blinds to scope what sort of car this possible Bold Hero drove.

Kolchak: Looks like a Lincoln Continental.... a Mark IV?

Kojak and Columbo went to the window to see the vehicle along with Kolchak.

Kojak: Now there's a nice car!

Columbo: Big ... I bet it's nice n' roomy.

Man of Considerable Girth: It is. Trust me. Are any of you Kolchak or Kojak?

Kojak: Yeah, I'm Kojak.

Kolchak: ...and I'm Kolchak.

Man of Considerable Girth: So you're the ones who sent that ad over the wire the other day?

Kolchak: That's right, why? You interested?

Man of Considerable Girth: I might be.

Elderly Gentleman in his Advancing Years: Shucks... I might be too.

Columbo: You guys came in that Continental out there?

Man of Considerable Girth: Yes, we did.

Kolchak: That's a Mark IV, isn't it?

Man of Considerable Girth: That's correct. Listen, I'm a jack-of-all-trades, so to speak. The tougher the job... the better. Whatever all these words, such as "Heaven" and "Monster" are code-words for... I don't even need to know. I just need to know how much this pays, which I will not need up-front, and when and where myself and my colleague are needed.

Elderly Gentleman in his Advancing Years: Yes, that's right. Same for me.

Kojak: Precise and to the point, eh, gentlemen? You ever in the military, Mr...

Man of Considerable Girth: Cannon. Frank Cannon.

Kojak: ...and your colleague?

Elderly Gentleman in his Advancing Years: Jones. Barnaby Jones.

Cannon: Yeah, I was in the big one. I've been to Hell to Back n' Gone, friend. So, you can see where I'm coming from, Mr. Kojak. The more difficult the task... the more I like it. Solving murder cases, being a bodyguard for the frail and weak, helping those in need.... all of that is right up my alley. I just need to know exactly what I have to do and when I have to do it.

Kojak: Our job's a prisoner extraction... behind enemy lines. Tomorrow at fifteen hundred hours. We meet at an old abandoned building that used to be a computer dating center. Be there.... and you'll be paid handsomely after I interrogate the prisoner.

Kolchak: Would you guys like some coffee?

Cannon: No thanks.

Kolchak: How 'bout you Mr. Jones?

Barnaby Jones: Oh, no thanks, coffee just tends to upset my ol' bowels, Mr. Kolchak... though I'd take a big frosty glass of cool refreshing milk if you have some. That'll help me soothe my stomach.

Kolchak: Milk? Alright, coming right up, Mr. Jones.

Kolchak went to get Barnaby Jones a tall glass of milk to soothe his stomach.

Kojak: Alright, you're in, Cannon... be there tomorrow... but lose the old timer. He'd just be a liability and this mission is too important for any.... liabilities.

Cannon: We work together. If he's out then I'm out.

Kojak: Listen up, fat man! I'm not takin' that old bag o' bones to Heaven! The only way he'd come back is in a body bag! It's a no-go.... now get outta here, fat boy!

At that moment Miss Emily stopped writing her crossword for the morning paper and got up out of her chair to reprimand Kojak.

Miss Emily: Well, Mr. Kojak! I never! How dare you!?

Kojak began to sweat... he wiped a few beads of perspiration from his cleanly shaven skull....

Miss Emily: We shouldn't judge a human being's value solely on their age! I am very old myself and still work more than forty hours per week! Many people have told me to retire because I'm too old ... but I've never paid it any mind. You are only as old as you feel inside... and if this gentleman wants to go to Heaven with you and fight monsters... then you should let him.

Kolchak: That's right, you tell 'em, Miss Emily.

Kojak: You're right, Miss Emily, it was an err of judgement on my part. You are right, my dear. Thank you for setting me straight.

Kojak gave her a wink... she winked back.

Kolchak: You're in Barnaby Jones. Let me introduce you two to Columbo! Barnaby Jones, Frank Cannon... meet Columbo!

Columbo: Delighted.

Cannon: Delighted, Mr. Columbo.

Barnaby Jones: Yes, delighted, Mr. Columbo.

The door to INS swung open! It was Kaz and he was holding three baking sheets, stacked upon one-another, of spanakopita!

Kolchak: Kaz!

Kaz: I got 'em, Kolchak! This'll make Lady Artemis's mouth watta! My Yaya made as much as she could make! This stuff is fit for Gods!

Kojak: Great! Now, tommorow at 3 o'clock we're going back up. Keep that stuff cool in the fridge and come back to the same place we were the other day. We'll zoom back up to Heaven, give those stuffy Gods their spanakopita, save Harry Agganis from the three-headed Silver Hydra, and finally figure out what he has to do with one James Cullen... so I can finally put my mind at ease after all these years.

Cannon: These are code words.... right? In case your phone is bugged?

Kojak: Yeah, yeah, yeah.... "code words".... yeah. That's all.

Kolchak: Just in case they aren't, guys, just uuuhh..... brace yourselves for anything unexpected.

Barnaby Jones took a long sip of milk...

Barnaby Jones: Shucks. I must say, this is some pretty good milk.

Tony Vincenzo finally broke his respectful silence....

Tony Vincenzo: Alright, visiting hours at the asylum is now over! All of you who don't work here need to scram! You too Carl, go with 'em... take a week off.

Kolchak: Oh I'll need more than a week, Tony. The time in Heaven doesn't pass like the time down here. We'll be up there for a pretty long time, I'd guess.

Tony Vincenzo: As long as you're back before the election. I need all my reporters for that. Updyke should be back from his vacation to Banff by then, too.

Kojak: Who's Updyke? Should we wait for him and include him in our merry band of Bold Heroes?

Kolchak: Ron Updyke!? No.... the words "bold" and "hero" have never been used to describe that worm-spined simpleton.

All the bold fellows took their leave, Kojak spent extra time on his goodbye to Miss Emily...

Kojak: Miss Emily, thanks again for sternly rebuking me. A man is nothing without a woman looking out for him. If I don't make it back from Heaven or if we're up there so long that the World just stops spinnin' down here... just know that in my last moments... I'll be thinking of you... wherever I may be.... I'll be thinking of you.

Miss Emily: Oh, Kojak. Good bye. Please be careful....


The next day, at the old abandoned Computer Dating Center, at 3:00pm (or 15:00 in Military notation)....

A '66 Mustang pulls up to the abandoned building... out comes Kolchak and Kojak.

Next a yellow taxi cab pulls up... out comes Kaz Kazantarkis holding three cooking sheets of spanakopita.

Next a '59 Peugeot 403.... and out comes Lt. Columbo holding a big stogie.

Right behind them is a Lincoln Continental Mark IV... the doors on both sides swing open... out of the driver's side comes Cannon, eating a sandwich... and out of the passenger side comes ol' Barnaby Jones.

Kolchak: Alright everyone's here and with ten minutes to spare. Let's synchronize our watches so that.....

Just then another car pulled up!

Kojak: Hold on! Everyone's here. Looks like we've got an uninvited guest, don't we fellas?

It was a golden-brown 1974 Pontiac Firebird Esprit! A handsome and rugged man exited the vehicle.... Cannon reached into the inside of his jacket but Barnaby Jones stopped him.

Barnaby Jones: Let's see who it is first...

Cannon: Identify yourself!

Handsome and Rugged Man: ....I've been tailing you guys since yesterday. Seems like there's something big going down today.... and I want IN. I need payment up front in unmarked bills. Wherever this "Heaven" is... I'm coming too.

Kojak: Tailin' us, huh!? We don't need some two-bit blood hound on our tail! Cannon, escort this grease bag back to his car and send him on his way. We don't need any help from slime balls like you, baby!

Kolchak: Now hold on a sec...

Columbo: Hmmmm, is that a '74 Firebird Esprit? Only a trustworthy man would be seen drivin' somethin' like that. Say... you think you could do us guys a favor, and just this one time, accept payment after the job is done as opposed to before, Mr..... uhhh.....

Handsome and Rugged Man: Can do... but only this time. Something inside of me told me I needed to be here right now. It must be instinct. I can smell the Danger on you guys.... and it smells good. The name's.... Rockford. Jim Rockford.

Kolchak: Welcome to our secret club, Rockford. Looks like there's gonna be Seven Bold Heroes headin' up to Heaven today.....

Cannon: I got my eye on you, Rockfish.

Rockford: Rock-FORD.


To be continued......


Part II: The Mission


Kojak: Alright, it is currently 15:00 hours, we must not stay in Heaven longer than two hours, we must rendezvous at the extraction point no later than 17:00 hours and return to our earthly realm.

Rockford: Why's there such a stringent time frame on this mission?

Kolchak: Because time up in Heaven flows much weirder than here .... it goes way slower there. You'll see.

Cannon: I think I need a briefing on the code words. I'm becoming confused.

Kolchak: Alright so, "Harry Agganis" means Harry Agganis, our man we have to extract from the clutches of some mixed-up bureaucrats and interrogate. "Heaven" refers to Olympus the land of Gods.... and "Monster" means a three-headed dragon who can tear all of your heads off.

Barnaby Jones: Well shucks n' tarnation! How 'bout that? That's not much of a briefin' is it? Can we get a better understandin' of these definitions of these code words? They aren't sheddin' much light on the details of the mission. Are you talking about really going to Olympus to search for an old Boston Red Sock?

Kojak: Yes! We've been over this, Jones! You're lucky to be here! If it wasn't for Miss Emily's stunning defense of the value of the elderly... you'd be out on yer keester, old man! Now stop asking questions and listen to my mission briefing!

Columbo: Just one question, I have...

Kojak: What!?

Columbo: I'm just thinkin'...  so there's a bunch of official-types up there playin' some softball... do you think it's really such a good idea to bring so many uninvited guests to their little event?

Kolchak: I'm way ahead of you Lt. Columbo...

Kolchak went to the trunk of his car and took out seven hotel butler uniforms. They were burgundy with gold stitches.

Cannon: What are these?

Kolchak: Camouflage, gentlemen. You see, for some reason, Artemis thinks we're delivery men who specialize in the food-related sector. These'll make us look like your average run-in-the-mill catering service.

Kojak: You're a genius, baby!

Rockford: To sum it up... our mission is to dress as caterers... infiltrate Olympus... extract Harry Agganis... and rendezvous back at the same place we will arrive there... at 17:00 hours?

Kojak: Bingo, baby.

Cannon: Piece of cake.

Rockford: Is that all you think about? Huh? Food?

Cannon: Rockfish, if we get out of this insanity alive, I will whip you up a spinach soufflé in my own kitchen that'll put these spana-ko-whatsits to shame... and you'll see what food is all about.

Rockford: Ford. Rock FORD.... and if we do survive this bedlam... I might take you up on that offer, Cannon.

Cannon: I'll set some time aside in my calendar next week, Rockford.

Cannon and Rockford's distrust for one-another was quickly dissipating. Meanwhile, Kolchak was passing out a butler outfit and a tray of spanakopita to each member of the Unique Force of Bold Heroes. They were ready to return to the Dais and re-ascend to Olympus with the food order.

Kaz: Say, uh, Kojak....

Kojak: Ti kanis, rey?

Kaz: Kojak, my heart has been stolen ever since I first laid eyes on Lady Artemis... you're so good with ladies n' everything... uhhh... can you give me some advice?

Kojak: Try this doozy on her...."Hey baby, if you're needin' it bad cuz of all these flop-times you've had... I'm gonna be the one to look at you and say..... who loves ya, baby?"

Kaz: Just like that?

Kojak: Yeah, that'll do it. Sagapo, baby.

Kaz: Gee, thanks so much, Kojak. You're the best.

Kojak: Don't let emotions such as love or lust cloud your mind and interfere in the mission... many missions over the years have been derailed or compromised by one member's inability to control their urges. I am speaking from experience.*

Kaz: Don't worry, my friend, I won't let it get in the way of the mission.

Kolchak led them to the Dais, he put his tray on it for the Gods above to savor its smell, and waited patiently....

The clouds parted once anew and thunder rattled their bones!

Voice from Above: Is that the rest of our order?

Columbo, Cannon, Barnaby Jones, and Rockford were deeply frightened by this unexpected turn of events but since they were all veteran private-eyes with nerves of molted-steel they didn't let it show.

Kolchak: Yes, Artemis, it's what you ordered... can we come up? I've brought some helpers to carry all of this.

Artemis: Ok, no problem, all of you just stand on the circle thingy again, K?

Kaz: Hi Lady Artemis! I uhhh... just wanted to say that uhhh.... all these flop times n' everyfink... uuuhh... oh no... I'm stammerin'!

Kojak: Not now, you bozo!

Kaz: Sorry, my friend.

Artemis: Hi Kazzie-wazzie! Did you tell your Yaya I love her baklava?

Kaz: Yes your highnesshood, I did!

All seven bold fellows stood on the circular thing near the Dais. They were zoomed to Olympus with the snap of a finger!

Barnaby Jones: What in tarnation? Where am I? Oh, looks like all this excitement was a little too much for the ol' ticker... I'm a goner....

Kolchak: No, you're fine, Barnaby Jones, we're "Just Visiting" like in Monolopy.

Cannon: Monopoly.

Kolchak: Yeah, Monolopy.....

Cannon: ........Never mind.

The Seven handed out samples of the spanakopita to the three Gods.

Artemis: This is..... good!

Kaz: You're too kind, my lady.

Apollo: This is my favorite!

Zeus: I'm appeased, mortals.

Rockford gazed out to view the majesty of Olympus's softball field.

Rockford: There's our man... on the field... fighting that...

Rockford made a grin. He was surprised that "Monster" wasn't a code word but the danger intrigued him none-the-less.

Rockford: We're not equipped for this are we? We need grenades or something for this.

Zeus: Half Time!

Kolchak: There's no Half Time in baseball!

Zeus: Silence! It is HALF TIME as decreed by the almighty Zeus!

Thunder roared n' rattled on high!

Apollo: Why do you think we ordered so much food? Of course it's Half Time... Gawd.

Zeus: Softballers! There's elixir pills and potions in the dugouts! Take a moment!

Harry Agganis looked up, more dead than alive from fatigue...

Harry Agganis: Elixirs in the dugout? Well, I'll be!

Kojak: Hang in there, Harry Agganis! All American!

Harry Agganis: Well, darn, looks like old Harry Agganis finally has some fans up here.

Harry Agganis was slowly becoming renewed with the vigor of many many champions!

Zeus: Mortals from the mortal realm!

The Seven stood akimbo, like stalwart heroes, at the decree!

Zeus: Preform for HALF TIME!

Lightning eclaired with a glorious burst! Thunder echoed from the skies!

Kolchak: Preform what?

Artemis: A Half Time show, mortals. Like, do a silly little dance or eat some bugs... or fight each other to death... or let a lion eat you. Do Something.

Kojak: Group huddle!

The Seven congregated around Kojak.

Kojak: Look guys... we need a game plan.

Columbo: We don't have any blueprints or know the layout to form any concrete plans-of-action or even set-up some clever ruses.

Kojak: That's true.... Rockford... you do some recon. Find out the battleground we're on. Make a mental map of all the exits, entrance ways, and topography of the Field. Cannon....

Cannon: Awaiting orders.

Kojak: You n' Barnaby Jones keep an eye on the Monster. Tail 'em... figure out any weaknesses we can exploit. Try and get an idea of its anatomy.

Cannon and Barnaby Jones: Understood.

Kaz: What about me?

Kojak: You stay here with the Gods. Artemis seems to trust you. Keep them occupied and gather intel. If they ask for more spanakopita... give 'em a heapin' helpin' of your hospitality.

Kaz: Aye aye, Cap'n.

Columbo: If you don't mind... I'd like to survey my new environment on my own. Get a feel for how these higher-up typa people operate... you know? Gods are a breed of the wealthy I'm still not very familiar with, you see, and I'd like to gather my own information.... if that's alright with you.

Kojak: It's alright, Columbo. Remember, 17:00 hours, wherever you are, be back here.

Columbo: You got it, Mr. Kojak.

Kojak turned and looked at his fast-friend Kolchak.

Kojak: As for me n' you, baby?

Kolchak: What is it, ol' pal?

Kojak: Looks like we have a song and dance number to preform, don't we? Dust off those old pipes, clear yer throat... listen to what I tell you.... and come with me.... cuz we've got a Half Time show to put on for a pretty tough crowd, baby!


*Chapter Foot Note: (There's a lot of second-half of the 1900s references in this story. This is a highly specific one from 1967's The Dirty Dozen. A film I like and recommend seeing.)


To Be Continued.....


Just then, Kolchak and Kojak heard a series of ultra-soft voices singing in a low yet beautiful manner, it stimulated their autonomous sensory meridian responses! 

Kolchak: That sounds nice... where's that coming from?

Kojak: That sweet siren's song? I think from the crest of the hill over there....

Kojak pointed to a crest of a hill whereby six beautiful and almost-naked ladies were singing a jolly sea shanty!

Kolchak: We don't have time for this... it's like you told Kaz... we don't have the time for Love nor Lust right now.

Kojak: This 'aint about that... we got a Half Time show to perform... maybe to you those almost-naked gorgeous ladies look like somethin' to lust for... but to me... do you know what they look like?

Kolchak: What?

Kojak: Back up dancers!

Kolchak nodded, he was quite impressed by Kojak's foresight.

They approached the hill, arriving at the crest, the view was magnificent. Almost naked ladies were bathing each other in fresh olive's oil and large snakes were intertwined around their bodies inside a marble bath tub. The ladies kept on singing... barely even noticing Kolchak and Kojak's advance onto the crest of their hill.

Kolchak: Hiya, ladies!

They ignored him....

Kojak: Hey there, baby!

They ignored him....

Kolchak: Maybe their deaf....or...

Just then they jumped out of the bath tub and the head siren shouted...

Head Siren: You've fallen into our trap! You will now be our prisoners for eternity! Say the spell!

The other sirens began saying incantations and magic words.... but it was ineffective!

Kolchak: ....?

Kojak: ...... what're you broads doin'?

Head Siren: Uhhhh.... why is our spell not working?

Kolchak: I've had more spells cast on me, in my lifetime, than I can remember. I think I have immunity to magic spells now. I've built up a decent tolerance to them.

Kojak: As for me, I've been in love more times than I can count. I fall in love, I'd say, almost ten times per day. I'm too experienced for silly little gimmicks like this. If you think singing a hypnotizing sea shanty is the wildest thing I've ever seen a broad do ... you should come down to Manhattan with me on a Saturday... I saw an old lady do a striptease on a city bus once!

All the sirens were whispering to each other in hushed tones. They were at a loss for words... they were not used to their stratagems failing.

Head Siren: Be gone. Leave us.

Kojak: Say, you have real talent, you know that? Such beautiful voices, all of ya. Can you dance?

Head Siren: Of course.

Kolchak: You wanna be in this century's Softball Half Time Show?

All the sirens hushed whispers and murmurs turned to outright giddy screams of excitement!

Head Siren: They'd never let demi-demons like us into the Softball grounds. We're just monsters to them....

Kojak: We've got about five more minutes to prepare our number. You in or are you out?

All the sirens congragated around the Head Siren and coaxed her with giddiness and excitement over the proposition.

Head Siren: Yes, alright. We're in. What shall we preform?

Kojak: Good question... you guys just do your stuff. Synchronistic and choreographed exquisite movements while me and Kolchak sing a nice duet.

Head Siren: Agreed.

Kolchak, Kojak, and the sirens proceeded down the hill and back to the Softball field.

Kolchak: Duet?

Kolchak said nervously.

Kojak: You see these broads? Nobody's gonna be lookin' at us! All we gotta do is sing... something that has, you know, words in it.

Kolchak: Let's sing about Harry Agganis... maybe it'll get him going to fight the monster.

Kojak: Good idea!

Kolchak: What rhymes with Agganis?

Kojak: ..... I can't think of anything.

Kolchak: Ummm.....wait....no... me neither.

Kojak: Tikanis!

Kolchak: Good enough.

Kojak: Alright... so the chorus is.... Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Kolchak: That works. What next?

Kojak: That's enough. It's a pop song... it only needs like four words. You've never seen a broadway play? That's enough for one song n' dance number.

Kolchak: We need to stretch it out a bit....

Kojak: Just throw in some "Ohs" and "Yeahs" and some sounds the words rhyme with like say "is" a lot too. Prounounce the "is" like how you say Harry Agganis... you get it?

Kolchak: Okay lemme try some....

Kolchak started to sing....

"Oh! Hey! Yeah!
Hey! Yeah!
Oh! Hey! Yeah!

Oh!

The Time? Do you know what it Is?
It's a quarter past! Is what it Is?

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Tikanis! Harry Agganis!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Hey! Yeah!
Oh! Hey! Yeah!
Hey! Yeah!
Oh! Hey! Yeah!

Hey, my friend, do you know what time it Is?
It's that time once again! That is what time it Is!

Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!
Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!
Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!
Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!
Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Now break it down!

H.. A... R... R... Y!
A...G...anotha G.... A... N.... and.... Is!

Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!
Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!
Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!"


Kojak's mouth dropped. He was so impressed.

Kojak: Wow! That was spectacular!

The sirens had overhead Kolchak's song and were already practicing incorporating it into their routine for Half Time.

Sirens: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Kojak: Do you fine minstrels of the sea have a bouzouki?

The Head Siren looked perplexed at the question as if it was somewhat silly to ask...

Head Siren: Of course we have a bouzouki!

Kojak: Kolchak, check this out. I'm gonna put the bouzouki in my coat... and when I whip it open and pull it out... everyone's gonna think it's my Rosco and they're gonna GASP.... but then when they see it's just a bouzouki they are gonna go bananas and cheer! I'm gonna do a bouzouki solo right after the part where you spell Harry Agganis's name out. Okay?

Kolchak: Great idea! This number's really coming together!

Kojak: Now comes the hard part, Kolchak, preforming it for a tough crowd of vengeful deities!

They arrived back on the Softball field....


To Be Continued.....



Meanwhile that rogue Columbo was aimlessly wandering-about like a careless hobo.... anyone who observed him paid no thought to him as he blended into the landscape around him.... he looked just as a bystander with no motives or ambition...no one cared that he was there.

Columbo had come upon a rather interesting pair of Gods behind the visitor's dugout... it was Zeus and.... Hades?

Columbo stopped, lit another cigar, leaned against a tree... and opened his right ear wide to take in what they were saying....

Hades: Isn't that guy your son, that Harry Agganis, guy?

Zeus: Yes, he's my son.

Hades: He's holdin' up the game and he got me so frustrated I roasted two of my best Hell Legion Demons!

Zeus: Yes, I saw.

Hades: If he beats my Hydra... I'm roastin' 'em on the spot. Alright?

Zeus: Yes, I understand. He seems to have eaten many Longevity Peaches and with the Elixir pills in the home dugout... he will be quite powerful now. I'm worried.

Hades: What do you mean?

Zeus: We're getting old, Hades. He's a demi-god from my own blood. Now he's eaten the peaches and the elixir... he might be more powerful than even I.

Hades: You've been resting on your laurels for centuries now, Z. I haven't. I've been down there in Hell roastin' n' toastin' sinners all century long, day-in and day-out. My Hades Final Fireball of Fury will be enough for that sweaty greasebag.

Zeus: In case it isn't... let's use our Ultimate Attack if he defeats the Hydra.

Hades: Your Divine Bolt of Judgement....

Zeus: ....and your Final Fireball of Fury....

Hades: At the same time?

Zeus: Yes, even if he's become more powerful than even I... that attack will end him.

Columbo's right ear widened and wiggled at the conversation and he muttered to himself under his breath....

Columbo: So these guys are in cahoots, huh?

Hades and Zeus left, Columbo noticed something on the dugout floor. It was a scroll entitled "The Rules of Softball by Zeus" ... he non-chalantly put it in his coat pocket.


Meanwhile Rockford had finished scouting the area and was making mental notes to himself...

Rockford: Seems there's only one-way in and one-way out. We won't be able to assault them on their flanks. If we're gonna fight these weirdoes.... it's gonna be face-to-face.

Rockford grinned at the dangerous idea.


Meanwhile Cannon and Barnaby Jones were tailin' the Silver Three Headed Hydra... it was under the left field bleachers in the visitor's bullpen....

Harry Agganis had done considerable damage to the right head of the Monster. The ferocious beast raised its right claw.... and it slashed at its own right neck and took its own head off cleanly.

Barnaby Jones was takin' a long sip of ice-cold milk.... and almost spit it out in amazement!

Barnaby Jones: What in the tarnation!? That Monster cut-off it's own head!

Cannon: Self-amputation? Looks like Harry Agganis damaged one of its heads to the point where it considered it a liability in battle and pre-emptively decapitated the head itself....

Before Cannon was done with his assessment.... The Monster's neck started to gurgle and bubble.

Barnaby Jones: Wee doggie! That critter's a bubblin'!

The Monster re-grew the head it had just self-amputated!

Cannon: No! It can't be!

Barnaby Jones: Looks to me like it just shed that head....

Cannon: ....and grew a new one! This creature's got some aces in its sleeve doesn't it?

Barnaby Jones: That critter's got more heads than it can count! We better get back and report this.

Cannon: You're right. Harry Agganis can't beat this Monster one head at a time. He needs to stop focusing his bat strikes on the heads. It's a no-win scenario.

Barnaby Jones: Those heads are like prairie dogs just jumpin' back into holes and comin' back up again, 'aint they? Maybe that critter's got a heart, you reckon?

Cannon: Something must be pumping blood to all those heads. Yeah, I reckon. I reckon it has a heart.

Barnaby Jones: Let's head back and find the others....


To Be Continued.....

The Seven regathered back at the softball grounds... except for Columbo who was still conducting his investigation in a undisclosed near-by location...

Rockford caught a glimpse of the sirens with Kolchak and Kojak...

Rockford: Hey you guys, well, well, well... check this out, Cannon, Barnaby Jones!

Cannon and Barnaby Jones turned and saw the beautiful sirens....

Cannon: Oh....wow.

Barnaby Jones: My my.... ticker! It's gonna blow!

Rockford: You guys.... what are you two up to?

Kojak: Nevermind us.... what do you have to report?

Rockford: Only one-way in and one-way out, Kojak. If we're gonna fight that thing... it's gonna be on its terms.

Kojak: Damn it!

Kolchak: How 'bout you guys? What did you two find out about the dragon....

Before Kolchak could finish his sentence, Zeus, thundered from behind them!

Zeus: Gods, Demi-Gods! Godesses! Demi-Goddesses! Please enjoy this year's Half Time show as brought to you by Hermes Transport Service and Chariot Lines! Hermes, get your things...quick!

Kolchak: Looks like we're on, ladies, you nervous?

Head Siren: No, we're excited.

Kolchak: Yeah well, I am.

Zeus: Get out there!

Kolchak: Oh... yes, your thunderness.

Kojak was already on the field waving for Kolchak and the Sirens to follow him.

Zeus: What are you mortals called? How should I announce you to the crowd?

Kolchak: We're, ummmmm, Kol.... no... Koj..... no....damn, who's first billing? Wait, I got it... we're Koljak and the Sirens!

Zeus: Sirens?

Kolchak: It's just a catchy name...they're not real Sirens, sir.

Zeus: Oh, ok.

Zeus stood tall and bellowed to the crowd...

Zeus: Now please enjoy...Koljak and the Sirens!!

Koljak and the Sirens were on the field. The Sirens opened the number hidden under giant over-sized palm leaves....they slowly emerged from the leaves and began spinning n' jumpin' high up, and shakin' in a choreographed dance set.

Kojak whispered to Kolchak...

Kojak: Don't worry, you just ask me what time it is in your song...I'll do the rest. You spell out Harry Agganis's name too.

Kolchak: Ok.

Kolchak tried his best not to get in the way of the exquisite movements of the Sirens.

Kojak: Oh! Hey! Yeah! Hey! Yeah! Oh! Hey! Yeah! Oh!

Kolchak approached Kojak on stage and in an exaggeratingly-low baritone asked him the time!

Kolchak: Oh! The time? Do you know what it IS?

The Sirens surrounded Kojak and waved their arms around him like he was swimming in a warm gentle sea of ladies! It looked really really good!

Kojak: ......It's a quarter past! That's what it IS!

The Sirens formed a straight horizontal line on stage and broke into the chorus and started to sing!

The Sirens: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis! Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis! Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis! Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Artemis was watching from the stands...and Kaz Kazantarkis was sitting next to her... he was slowly moving closer each time the Sirens said "Hey Tikanis!"...

Artemis: They're so beautiful and graceful. I'm.... I'm just some gross tom-boy who shoots arrows and hits homeruns..... I.... I sometimes wish I could be beautiful and graceful like those dancers.

Kaz moved in as close as he could get and said...

Kaz: You are though... you're.... you're....

Artemis: What is it Kaz?

Artemis took a bite out of the spanakopita, and with gentle eyes, waited for Kaz's response... meanwhile Kaz was trying his best to remember what Kojak had told him to say to her.

Kaz: Uhhh...you know Ms. Lady, my lady, Artemis... your Goddessliness, there's so many uhhh... flop times these days and I think maybe it would be....sorta....

Artemis: What are flop times?

The Sirens were still belting out the chorus!

Kaz: What? Oh, um, flop times, are like.... maybe they're like... bad? I guess.

Artemis: ....?

Kaz: I have to be honest with you, Lady Artemis, Kojak told me some cool stuff to say to you... but... it looks like I botched it all up... and ...

He put his head in his hands....

Kaz: ...I guess I'm just not cool enough to say cool stuff.

The Sirens were almost done the chorus...

Artemis: Oh Kaz, don't say that, you're cool. You bake desserts with your grandma... I've never met any God who baked with his grandma. All the God Guys up here.... they are all just fake-tough-guys and so phony up here... all the men would never admit to it ... even if they did bake food with their grandmas.

Kaz lifted his head from his hands and let out a gentle smile to Artemis's reassuring words. Meanwhile on the stage...

Kojak, once again, took center stage! The Sirens swarmed around him like bees to a bee hive!

Kojak: Hey! Yeah!

The Sirens swung back and forth with great ease! The dancing was amazing!

Kojak: Oh! Hey! Yeah!

Kolchak knew his song, he knew his next line was coming up, he tried to remember the exact tone of the exaggerated low baritone voice he used the first time...

Kojak: Oh!

Kolchak walked towards center stage once more...

Kojak: Hey! Yeah!

Kolchak approached and said his next line...

Kolchak: ....Hey, my friend, do you know what time it....IS?

Kojak: It's that time once again! That IS what time it...IS!

The Sirens re-formed their horizontal-line dance formation on the stage and once anew began to belt out the chorus!

Sirens: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis! Hey-Hey-Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Meanwhile in the home dugout, all by himself, since the Gods on his team were overseeing the Half Time show.... Harry Agganis, who was eating more elixir pills than anyone should be allowed to, looked up as he heard his name being sung by a bevy of curvaceous ladies!

Harry Agganis: Hey, that's me!

He was eating elixir pills like they were common potato chips by the handful...

Sirens: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Harry Agganis: Oh wow! Those women look nice! I already have a number one hit song on the Heaven City radio stations? Wow, eat yer heart out Joe DiMaggio! Mr. Celebrity Big Shot! Eat yer damned heart out, Joe DiMaggio! I got a hit song written about me and I've only played for this here Heaven team not even for one game yet! Wow!

Harry Agganis was becoming empowered with new-found strength and new-found passion from the song written about him!

Meanwhile under the cover of the excitement, Rockford, was making his way to the only exit of the field... laying down a pre-emptive plan to facilitate their later-needed escape route. He was digging a big hole and covering it up with brambles and leaves.

Back on the stage the Half Time show was nearing its fever-pitch.... the crowd, thousands of Gods and Demi-Gods, were already roaring like a lion and they hadn't even hit their best part yet! 

Sirens: Now.....break it down!

Kolchak: Let's spell it out! H! A! R!

Sirens: H! A! R!

Kolchak: ...n' another R! Y!

Sirens: Why? Because you're so sweet, Harry Agganis!

Kolchak: A! G! anotha G!

Sirens: A! G! anotha G!

Kolchak: A! N..... and IS!

Sirens: That's right, baby...A! N n' IS!

The crowd was going bananas! Before the next chorus broke out... Kojak whipped open his burgundy jacket with the gold stitches and reached for something attached to his hip!

Cannon: Damnit! What is he doing!? Is he gonna attack them under the cover of entertainment!?

Barnaby Jones: Wait, now, hold on now.... look! It's just his big ol' bouzouki!

Kojak whipped out his bouzouki! He started his solo! He started to... ROCK OUT! The crowd went crazy! They were trying to jump over the guard rails and touch Kojak! They were really moved by his powerful bouzouki solo!

The Sirens were dancing at a feverish rate, a lot of sweat was flyin' around!

Sirens: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Kolchak: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Kolchak pointed to the crowd! The Gods started to sing!

Various Gods in Attendance: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Kojak: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis! Now only you Gods on the right side!

Half the crowd sang along loudly!

Kojak: Now only you Gods on the left!

The other half sang along!

Kojak: Now I just wanna hear the Goddesses! All you gorgeous ladies out there!

Only the ladies sang along!

Kojak: Hey Kaz! I didn't forget about ya! I wanna just hear Kaz n' that beautiful lady Miss Artemis sing along right about now!

Artemis blushed.

Kaz: See? I told you.... you are beautiful.

Artemis and Kaz stood up and started swinging their arms around like they just did not care!

Artemis and Kaz: Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis! Hey! Tikanis! Harry Agganis!

Kojak: Harry Agganis! This last one's for you, baby!

A single tear slowly manifested underneath Harry Agganis's eye!

The Sirens congregated around Kojak, once again waiving their arms around him, making it look as though he was touched by the rays of a sunlight of ladies....he looked squarely at Harry Agganis in the home dugout...the music stopped, the dancing stopped... and he said....

Kojak: Hey, Tikanis....Harry Agganis.

The crowd gave them a standing ovation!

Apollo: Whooooooooooaaaaaaa. That was awesome.

Before the festivities were even close to having cooled down, Zeus's voice boomed over everyone!

Zeus: Play.... RESUMES!

Harry Agganis, was ready to re-take the field and defeat the Hydra... yet before play continued... a curious figure approached... it was a man in a disheveled, unbuttoned, somehow already slightly filthy, burgundy butler's outfit.... he was smoking a big stogie...

...it was Columbo!

Columbo: Sorry, everyone, it's just... before play resumes... I just had uhhh, I was thinkin' about something... and I think I just have one question for the almighty Zeus... I hope I'm not disturbing the game or anything....it's just.... that.....

Zeus: What is it you unsightly crooked-eyed mortal!?

Columbo fidgeted in his butler's outfit looking for the scroll he found with the rules of Heavenly softball written in it... but he seemed to have forgotten already which pocket he put it in....

Columbo: Oh, uhhh, I think I might've...wait, no.... I'm not used to this coat yet... wait, a, sec... Oh, if my wife saw me fumblin' like this she would really let me have it...

Zeus: ............

Columbo found the scroll!

Columbo: Ah! Here it is! I already looked in this one, this pocket, I thought, but...I guess not. Now, Mr. Zeus, your holiness n' grace....

Zeus: What is your question?

Columbo: I couldn't help but notice in this scroll over here... that... both clubs... home and away... both 'Heavenly Ordained God' and 'Demon from the Unholy Underworld' ... as it says here....

He fumbled with the scroll looking for the part he circled with his pencil...

Columbo: ....both clubs are allowed both pinch hitters and pinch runners... now is that correct, Mr. Zeus?

Zeus: Yes.

Columbo: I see, yes, alright. Now, it says here a club is allowed up to two reserve players on their bench....is that right, sir?

Zeus: Yes.

Columbo: I couldn't help but notice that your team, actually both teams, don't have any reserves... do they?

Zeus: No, I kicked out Poseidon for being annoying... and Dionysus because he would just sit in the dugout and drink wines with rich aromas all game.

Columbo: You don't present any line-up cards to the umps before the game do you, Mr. Zeus?

Zeus: No, you're allowed four players, two reserves... a club who's shorthanded can add two reserves whenever they want... there's no line up submitted before the play commences.

Columbo: Well, now that's what I find so fascinating, Mr. Zeus... I mean let's say we wanted to send... oh say Mr. Cannon out there to pinch run for Harry Agganis.... we'd pretty much be allowed to.... correct... Mr. Zeus?

Zeus was getting angry.... he finally saw where this crossed-eyed rogue was going with this line of questioning...

Zeus: Yes, yes... we could pinch run for Harry Agganis.

Columbo: ...and it says on this next page... the player themselves, if they are injured or under fatigue... could take themselves out of the game for a pinch hitter or a pinch runner?

Zeus: .........Yes, that's right.

Zeus was squeezing his finger nails into his palms in frustration with Columbo.

Cannon approached with Barnaby Jones....

Barnaby Jones: Columbo, none of us can fight that critter and you know that.

Cannon: I volunteer, I know how to fight it.

Just then something very strange happened... As Kolchak was wiping the sweat off his forehead from the concert at half time... his head started to emit an eerie GLOW!

Kojak: Kolchak! Your head is glowing! It's...it's... a greyish blue light... it's coming from your head!

The light turned a sharper blueish hue and shot out of his head....the light formed into a regal looking fellow in a well-tailored black vestment with vermilion Chinese symbols sewn into the black fabric!

Well Dressed Man who came out of Kolchak's Head: Greetings, Mr. Kolchak, my name is Yong Qi.

Yong Qi put his two hands into his long sleeves, put them together, and smiled at Kolchak.

Kolchak: You live in my head!?

Kojak: Kolchak! That's gotta be that no-good Jiangshi again! Don't fall prey to his nasty tricks and unsavory deceptions, my friend!

Yong Qi: I understand, greatly, your feelings of mistrust towards me, Mr. Kojak... and I humbly apologize for my mimicry at the Taste of the Islands picnic when I used your likeness to deceive Mr. Kolchak.... I am indeed a Jiangshi... yet it seems in this place... my curse that I was unfortunately stricken with... does not burden me in this Heavenly realm...

Kolchak: Hey pal! I thought I got you outta my head!?

Yong Qi: No, I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, Mr. Kolchak. The curse of the Jiangshi is a powerful one... I have been burdened by it for many centuries. I, and other Jiangshi, can be contained but rarely truly eliminated from one's mind once the curse takes hold.

Barnaby Jones: What in the tarnation!?

Kolchak: So I'm stuck with you, huh, buddy?

Yong Qi: Yes, but in your realm of "Chicago" as you call it ... I am contained for your lifetime... I do not know how you procured those talismans but they are very effective against Jiangshi. Fortunately, in this Heavenly plane... the holy aura of this "Mount Olympus" allows me... for the first time in hundreds of years... to be in my true body. Thank you for bringing me here.

Kolchak: You're welcome, I guess.

Kojak: Don't trust this dirty bum, Kolchak!

Yong Qi: Once again, Mr. Kojak, please let me extend my humblest of regret and ask for your forgiveness for my behavior at the picnic... in the mortal world I am cursed to mindlessly seek out energy... that delicious "moussaka"... as you called it at the picnic... has given me enough energy to last another decade.

Kolchak: So you wanna stay here and watch the game...or... go back into my brain.....or?

Yong Qi: I couldn't help but overhear your present conundrum, Mr. Kolchak.... and...

Once again, Yong Qi, put his hands into the long black sleeves of his regal vestment, extended them to Kolchak... and smiled...

Kolchak: ...and?

Yong Qi: Please allow me to be this so-called...."pinch runner."

Kojak: No chance in Hell, Zombie! Fool us once? Shame on you... but fool us twice!? That's shame on me n' Kolchak, baby!

Cannon: Wait a second, Kojak. None of us have the strength to fight that thing. This guy just came out of Kolchak's head with a flashing dash of light....he's a super natural being... maybe he's strong... and maybe he knows some karate.

Yong Qi: Sir Cannon, it is not called "Karate" but Karateka... and no, I do not know any Karateka, I'm afraid, Sir Cannon.

Kojak: Then take a hike, you no-good bum!

Yong Qi: Please, allow me to finish, Mr. Kojak... I do not know any Karateka... but I do know a massive amount of Kung Fu. 

Kojak: Let's send Rockford instead of this ten-penny trickster!

Kojak looked around but Rockford was no place to be found.

Kojak: Damn! Where'd he go?

Kolchak: How's he going to deceive us by fighting a monster we can't fight?

Columbo: Also... you're forgettin'... we have two reserves. If he's up to no good... we can still send someone else after him.

Yong Qi: Excellent point, Sir Columbo.

Kolchak: Alright...uhh...

Yong Qi: Yong Qi.

Kolchak: Mr. Yong Qi.... you can pinch run for Harry Agganis.

Zeus was contemplating the new events transpiring. He thought to himself...

Zeus: This bungles up me n' Hades's plan... but.... then again... he IS my son... I can't just zap him. Alright....

Zeus stood and bellowed, as thunder echoed around him, to Harry Agganis...

Zeus: Come out, Harry Agganis! Heavenly Umpires, here my decree! A pinch runner shall enter for Harry Agganis... the reserve... known as Yong Qi!

Harry Agganis: Sure thing, boss.

Harry Agganis, even with his new found strength, was happy his ordeals were finally at an end.

Yong Qi, The "Jiangshi", was ready to fight!

Yong Qi: Mr. Kolchak... I have been a burden on you and have yet to win any merit for your unique force of Bold Heroes whilst living in your mind... please let your worries end... the demon is a ferocious one... yet... my Kung Fu is very powerful.

To Be Continued....

Hades went back to the pitching mound, and play resumed...

Yong Qi leaped very very high, perfectly vertically, into the air! He landed right in front of the Hydra!

Zeus: Excellent form!

Zeus was impressed, already, with Yong Qi and this fellow had yet to do any Kung Fu, yet, not even a ceremonial demonstration. Zeus was so impressed he announced the upcoming bout to the crowd more like someone would a pugilist match as opposed to a softball match.

Zeus: The challenger! Hailing from Ancient China!!! Yooooooooong, "The Jiangshi", Qiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Thunder roared upon Olympus! Also, lightning cracked!

Zeus: Already in the ring! From the Darkest Depths of Hades's own Hell! It's the Silver Headed Hydra himself!

The crowd roared like a lion!

Cannon, realizing this was very quickly becoming a pugilist match, approached to ask Zeus a question...

Cannon: Mr. Zeus, I request to be Yong Qi's corner man for this bout, will that be alright?

Zeus: Request.....

He thought about it for a few seconds....

Zeus: ACCEPTED!

Hades: Hey! If they get a corner man then so do we... I'm Silverado's corner man.

Kolchak: Silverado? That's the dragon's name? That's a pretty good name.

Cannon walked unto the majestic heavenly field and assumed a safe position behind third station, sort of like where a third-base coach would stand, behind Yong Qi and the Hydra.

Yong Qi commenced his ceremonial demonstration of his Ancient Kung Fu. It looked like a really really powerful display of Tai Chi, his movements were very exquisite.... Zeus nodded his head approvingly... he could tell this guy was for real.

The Hydra did not wait for the formal display of Kung Fu to end... the left head gnarled, the neck snapped back, and the head flew towards Yong Qi with the ferociousness of ten panthers!

Yong Qi elegantly dodged the attack using the same evasive motor movements of his ceremonious Tai Chi! All three heads attacked him but could not even get close to touching him! Yong Qi was truly a stalwart fellow!

Kojak: Damn.

Kolchak: It just goes to show... not all the curses you pick up along your life's travels... are bad ones.

Kojak: You're a crazy man, Kolchak... but....I love ya, baby!

Zeus: He's just toying with the Hydra. He's still doing his ceremonious demonstrations... this Ancient Hero of an Ancient Land has yet to even make an attack!

Cannon raised his fist from behind the foul line behind third station... he belted out advice to Yong Qi as his corner man!

Cannon: Yong Qi! Keep up the fancy foot work! Great job! When it comes time to strike I will tell you what to do!

Yong Qi dodged the monster's stare which can turn one to stone, he back flipped and evaded a fire ball from another head... and then leaped up with his back straight and his hands together, high in the air, to evade a claw slash!

Hades: Uuuuugghhh.... this isn't good.

Barnaby Jones: This man who lives in your head is pretty swift, Kolchak! He's floatin' like a gopher in soft dirt, and tarnation, I bet he's gonna sting like a nasty bee!

Kolchak: I hope so....

Kojak: I hope he doesn't back stab us and try to steal our energy, again!

Kolchak scratched his head...

Kolchak: Me too.

Just then Yong Qi's demeanor switched gears!

Yong Qi: Did you enjoy my ornamental demonstration of my powerful Kung Fu, demon? Now play time is over and as I've heard Mr. Kojak say many times whilst living in Mr. Kolchak's mind... I shall now show you...demon... I shall now show you... Who Loves Ya, Baby!!!!

Yong Qi back flipped again but this time the heel of his foot caught the left head on the way up then he swung his body ninety degrees and his other foot swiftly kicked the central head!

The crowd cheered!

Cannon: Yong Qi! No! Me n' Barnaby have this thing scouted! The heads can't be defeated! They can grow back! It's not gonna work like that! Attack its heart and attack it fast!

Hades: You sonnova! You were spying on my monster! Why you!

Hades was beyond his limit now. He no longer cared about Harry Agganis... he shifted his hell-burning endless anger and hatred toward the Seven... who had foiled his plans.

Yong Qi nodded, put his hands into his long black sleeves, smiled at Cannon, and thanked him for the advice.

Yong Qi: One thousand displays of gratitude would not be enough to show my thanks to you, Sir Cannon... thank you for the advice.

Yong Qi formed his left hand into a beak to peck and prod the monster... he formed the fingers on his right hand into a claw... for when he found the heart by poking he planned on slashing at it with force with his claw hand.

Yong Qi: Prepare for dual-style, demon, Crane and Tiger!

The monster's heads roared and attacked!

Cannon: Don't forget your evasive procedures too, Yong Qi!

Yong Qi dodged, ducked, jumped, and side-stepped to evade the three heads's attacks! All the while in between dodges he managed to work in some crane pecks with his beaked hand but no where he pecked seemed to effect the dastardly fiend of Hell!

Barnaby Jones: Damn, maybe it doesn't have a damned heart, after all! Doesn't this just beat all?

Columbo: I thought yous twos said this thing's got one?

Barnaby Jones: No, we only reckoned it had one... our investigation wasn't conclusive in that regard.

Columbo: Oh.

None the less, Yong Qi, kept up his peck attacks to find the heart. Columbo slowly lingered onto the field and walked up to the foul line near first station ... he stood normally where a first base coach would position himself.

Kolchak: Cannon coachin' third and Columbo coachin' first... this Heaven team's gotta pretty good coaching staff, huh Kojak?

Kojak: You can say that again, baby, the best there is!

Cannon gave a thumbs up to Columbo... and... Columbo reciprocated his thumbs up.

Yong Qi side-stepped, flipped, n' pecked... but again... to no avail... as he could not find the heart.

Columbo: Say, Mr. Hades, I just...uhhh.... I just can't help but think our guy's doin' pretty good out there.

Hades: Silverado has never lost! Usually the battle lasts about ten minutes and the God gives up, declares themselves "out", and goes back to ride the pine! I admit, this Ancient Ghost that lives in that guy's head is good... but let's be real here... he's giving Silverado a run for his money but that's all he's doing.

Columbo: It's funny that you'd say that... I mean.... Cannon knows where the heart is... we've established that... it seems to me it's only a matter of time before Yong Qi goes in for the finishing blow. He's still just toying with the creature... you understand, that, right?

Hades looked at Columbo... Columbo was calmly smoking a big stogie. Hades perceived that Columbo looked confident... and believed him that Cannon really did know where the monster's heart was.

Kolchak: He's bluffing....

Kojak: He's bluffing alright...he's bluffing his one-eyed crooked ass off!

Hades was getting worked up, he didn't expect his Hydra to be on the ropes and he was getting fed up with Columbo.

Hades: Fine, you know where the heart is... but it's still covered by layers and layers of skin... and that skin is stronger than rawhide leather and molted steel!

Columbo had established, through bluffing, that it, indeed did, have a heart.....but where was it?

Cannon: You can't find the heart by peckin' at it like a bird, Yong Qi! The skin's too tough! Use the Tiger Claw!

Yong Qi: Yes, sir Cannon.

Yong Qi began working in scratch-attacks with his Tiger Claw hand in between his expert evasive maneuvers. They were piercing the skin, but only slightly.

Cannon: Blend them together, slowly work scratches n' pecks together and alternate between them ... open the skin on up and then dig it up!

Yong Qi back flipped away from a fire ball, then leaped up and scratched open the skin right above the creature's stomach... he then made both his hands into Crane Beaks and pecked at the light open wound he just created... the creature wailed in agony!

Hades: Oh no!

Columbo: I take it that's the heart, Mr. Hades?

Hades: Yes.... you already knew that!

Columbo: Oh yeah, sorry, oh I... yeah. We knew that, yeah. Excuse me, I didn't mean to be redundant, Mr. Hades.

Kojak: We found its heart....

Kolchak: Hades was too proud... Columbo used Hades's own confidence against him. Textbook.

Kojak: Textbook, alright. That's one good cop.

Hades was immensely furious! He started to power up! Flames consumed him! There was fire everywhere! Oh no!

Hades: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Feel the heat! Feel the hatred inside of me! Mortals! This is the end of the line!

He unleashed his ultimate attack the Final Fire Ball of Fury!! Right at Yong Qi!

Kolchak: Whoooooa! I can feel the heat all the way over here!

Artemis put her arms around Kaz to shield him from the demonic fires of Hell! Which could roast mortals even many feet away from the blast point!

The Seven ran for cover!

Yong Qi felt the heat as it approached and leaped vertically higher than he had ever leaped! The fire ball was a direct hit, alright, but on the Hydra!

The crowd gasped! Then cheered!

The Hydra was roasted like a chicken!

Barnaby Jones: Mm, mm, mmmmm. Smells like barbecue.

Hades's face was flat. He was at his wit's end. In many thousands of years he had never been this angry. He had just burned up his best softball player. He was about to lose it and wig out.


To be Continued....

Stay tuned next week for...

Part III: Barnaby Jones's Bittersweet Goodbye! Farewell Hero!

Tears shall flow! Next week!

Hades was all fired-up and ready to burn the Seven...

Artemis: Hades! Calm down! They won fair and square.

Zeus: Not now, Artemis... there's no sense in talking to Hades when he's this berserk with rage and anger. I've been there myself... and all that can come is destruction when a God reaches this advanced stage of frustration.

Kaz: Lady Artemis....thank you for protecting me from the flames! I thought I...I thought I was done for!

Artemis: It's okay, Kaz.

She brushed his messy hair off his face and assured him he will be alright.

Hades: Softball is over. We forfeit... we accept defeat...but now... all of you Gods in attendance.... get the added extra-fun bonus... of witnessing a barbecue! MWA HA HA MWA HA HA!

Hades's heat was unthinkably hot, everyone in attendance was sweating.

Yong Qi approached Kolchak...

Yong Qi: I.... cannot continue in the state of my real self any longer... I am deeply sorry, Mr. Kolchak.

Kolchak: Sorry!? You beat that hideous beast and saved Harry Agganis! You're the ... you're the best person who's ever lived in my head!

Yong Qi was honored that he was able to redeem himself after how badly he behaved at the picnic.

Kojak: Yong Qi... thanks. I love ya, baby.

Yong Qi: I reciprocate your love, Mr. Kojak... I must now return to Mr. Kolchak's mind... before I lose control of my form and be overtaken by my centuries-old curse.

Yong Qi became multi-colored smoke and vapor... the smoke and vapor entered Kolchak's ears.

Kojak: Does it hurt when he does that?

Kolchak: No.

Hades: Pinch runner.... how clever... I think I'll start my post-game show by interviewing some of the coaching staff on their feelings about their victory...I'll start with the first base coach... I'd love to just get inside of you... you crooked one-eyed mortal... see what makes you so damn smart... I'd really like to interview you... let's have a chat.

Columbo: Oh, oh, Mr. Hades... I think my job here is done. I mean, it was a great game... you guys played so well...

Hades started charging up fireballs in both of his evil hands! Oh no!

Hades: My first question... do you enjoy being on fire?

Columbo: No sir, I don't... I don't particularly like being on fire. My wife would be so angry with me if she had to wash soot out of my clothes... it'd probably clog the washer and...

Just then Barnaby Jones approached ...

Barnaby Jones: We still have a reserve, Hades.

Hades looked at the distinguished older gentleman with a sneer of hatred on his lips.

Hades: The game's over, old man, unless you're volunteering to meet your end first? How noble. I shall be obliged to make your end much cleaner and less painful due to your bravery.

Barnaby Jones: That's exactly what I'm doing.... and lemme tell ya, if you thought Yong Qi's Kung Fu was impressive... wait until you get a heapin' helpin' of mine.

Cannon: Barnaby! No! You can't!

Barnaby Jones whispered gently to Cannon so no one else could hear...

Barnaby Jones: Shhhh, I'm bluffing, we've seen that it works on this Hades guy...

Hades: Show me a demonstration, old man.

Barnaby Jones: Don't mind if I do.... here's a move I like to call the Ever-Equalizing Barnaby Jones Reverse back-handed Varmint Chop!

Barnaby Jones made over-exaggeratedly slow deliberate movements, just as he saw Yong Qi do before, ending on a dramatic and very animated back-handed chop.

Cannon: No! Barnaby! You can't use that move... it's too powerful. Give this guy a break. He's just overcome with power and doesn't know what he's doing. You can't unleash the Ever-Equalizer ... uhhh.... Varmint Chop on him. No one deserves that.

Kolchak: ....?

Kojak: ............?

Hades: Impressive, if you're the strongest of your little band of merry mortals... you sure don't look like it.

Barnaby Jones: Appearances can be deceiving.

Barnaby Jones had picked up a clump of ash near Hades during his Kung Fu demonstration. He smelled it then tasted it quickly.... and said to himself...

Barnaby Jones: Hmmmm, the chemical makeup of this ash is interesting... hmmm... a very primitive sort of pure fire emanates out of this guy... hmmm....

Barnaby Jones pulled a small amulet out of his burgundy pants pocket...

Cannon: What? What's that?

Barnaby Jones: Did I ever tell you, Frank, that my cousin from the Ozarks, was very rich?

Cannon: Nope.

Barnaby Jones: Well, he was... and he asked me if I needed any money and I told him, No, I didn't. He gave me this little trinket before he passed away. It was made out of the substance that made him filthy rich.

Cannon: Really?

Barnaby Jones: Oh yes. You know what's in this, Frank?

Cannon: What?

Barnaby Jones: I'd say it is comprised of mostly Carbon, some Hydrogen, and you add a little Oxygen, Nitrogen, n' Sulfur... to taste.

Cannon: Petroleum?

Barnaby Jones: That is correct, sir. Petroleum... Black Gold.

Hades: .....?

Barnaby Jones: Texas Tea.

Hades: What are you talking about old man?

Barnaby Jones: You fellers up here in Heaven have any petroleum?

Hades: What's petroleum!?

Barnaby Jones: I didn't think so. It's very flammable... especially considering the pure, almost primitive, qualities of the fire you produce naturally from your extremities. I'm not sure a chemical substance, such as this one encased in my cousin Jed's Amulet, will be pleasant fuel to add to your fire, Hades.

Cannon: .....

Barnaby Jones: Frank, you guys head towards the exit... let me fight this guy.... alone.

Cannon: Alright.

Barnaby Jones: Oh, and Frank.... tell Betty I love her when you get back. Tell her I'm with Hal now.

Cannon: Yeah. Okay, old friend.

Cannon gave Barnaby Jones a sad look, turned away, and instructed Kolchak, Kojak, Columbo, and Kaz to follow him. Cannon knew this was Barnaby Jones's goodbye. His final farewell.... forever... Cannon was deeply moved by Barnaby Jones's honor and bravery but managed to keep his emotions composed.

Barnaby Jones: Goodbye, Frank.

Cannon: Goodbye, Barnaby. See you again.......Hero.

They all were sad.... but they understood. The Seven left the softball field... leaving Barnaby Jones alone to fight Hades.

Kaz: Goodbye Artemis...I...

Artemis: Long goodbyes are too difficult, Kaz. Thanks for bringing me food.... I....I.....Goodbye.

Kaz understood that long goodbyes are difficult as well so he turned his back... and walked away from her... to the exit of the softball field.

Artemis and Apollo took their leave shortly after.

The fans remained to watch the bout... as did Harry Agganis. There was only Zeus, Harry Agganis, Hades, Barnaby Jones, and the fans left inside.

Barnaby Jones: Shall we begin?

Hades: Show me what you got you lousy skeleton!

Barnaby Jones took two steps closer to Hades... Hades began powering up! Fire consumed Hades from head to toe.... and then Barnaby Jones threw Jed's Amulet right into the fiery pool of flames which surrounded Hades!

Hades: What? What's going on? What did you?

Barnaby Jones: That little campfire you got goin' on all over your body's about to get out-of-control, there, Hades. Maybe it's time to stop, n' drop, n' roll n' smother it out!

The fire around Hades was indeed becoming out of control.

Hades: What? I can't control my flames! What did you do, mortal!? This.... this cannot be!

It was getting very hot, the fans all ran to the exit.

Barnaby Jones: Hot enough for ya, today? This dry weather sure does a number on me lately. I think I'm getting old. You know... you should really try and put that out there you flamin' demon, you.

Hades needed water! He started running to the exit to find a nearby pond.

Barnaby Jones: Leaving so soon? We barely even got to know each other.

Meanwhile outside the softball field everyone had congregated. Only Harry Agganis, Zeus, and Barnaby Jones remained inside.

Kolchak and the others were outside, seeking shelter from the intense heat... just then they saw Rockford!

Kojak: You!? You no-good bum! Where have you been?

Rockford: Making our escape route iron-clad. We're all out... and I got more military-grade booby traps set-up at the exit than I can count! If we have any pursuers.... they aren't gonna be on our tail for long.

Cannon: Good thinking, Rockford.

Rockford: That's Rock...oh... yeah, thanks Cannon.

Kolchak: We're not all out.

Rockford: What? It looks like a funeral pyre in there! Who's still in there?

Kojak: Our mission objective, Harry Agganis, and...

Rockford: ...and?

Cannon: Barnaby Jones.

Rockford: Damn it! The old man couldn't keep up?

Kolchak: No. He chose to fight Hades so we could all escape.

At that moment they saw a great ball of fire heading towards the exit of the softball field! It was Hades and he was totally and utterly engulfed in out-of-control flames!

Rockford pulled a rope! The leaves and brambles gave way and an enormous hole opened up! Hades tumbled face first into the big hole!

Hades: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Rockford pulled another rope! Many many logs rolled down and into the hole!

Hades: Ow! My head! Ow! What the!?

Rockford pulled the last rope for his final military-grade booby trap! Many buckets of salt turned over that were hanging above the hole! A rain of salt fell unto Hades inside of the big hole.

Hades: My body! My face! It stings! It hurts! Ouch! Noooooooooooo!

Hades wailed into the night!

Hades: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Then the wailing stopped.

Rockford walked towards the big hole he had dug....it was difficult to see through all the smoke and ash.... he peered down into it....

Rockford: Where'd he go?

A figure walked out of the smoke and flame... its silhouette slowly emerging from the thick ashes blowing in the breeze....the figure was covered in soot and ash.

Rockford: Oh no.....here it comes.

The figure brought something to its lips.... the smoke and ash dispersed slowly from the area of the hole.

Rockford: A bottle?

The figure opened its mouth and spoke.

Mysterious Dark Silhouette: Mmmmm, mmmmm.... good. Glad I still had a bottle of milk on me. All that talkin' and uncontrollable flame in that inferno sure made me thirsty. Milk.... sure does a body good.

Cannon: Barnaby Jones?

Kolchak: Barnaby Jones!

Kaz: Wow! Barnaby Jones!!

Columbo: Well, I'll be.

Rockford: Just a little soot n' ash... other than that? He looks a-okay.

Kojak took off his butler's coat, ran to Barnaby Jones, put the coat around him to put out any remnants of flames and said...

Kojak: I'm sorry I said those awful things about you. You're a real Hero... you know that?

Barnaby Jones: This mission 'aint over yet, Mr. Kojak. Let's save our 'Who Loves Yas" until we extract the prisoner...one Harry Agganis.... from Olympus.

Kojak smiled.

Kojak: You got it, pal.

Kolchak: Where's Hades?

They all looked deep into the hole but all that was there was ash and soot.

Barnaby Jones: Looks like that flamin' maniac couldn't handle his own heat.

Rockford: Nothing left of 'em. Damn.... that was some campfire.

Before they could celebrate... Zeus approached them.

Zeus: You've murdered a God? That is not ACCEPTABLE! MORTALS PREPARE TO MEET YOUR JUDGEMENT! I SHALL STRIKE YOU ALL DOWN WITH THE DIVINE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF MY BOLTS OF JUDGEMENT!

The last person in the softball field finally emerged, stepped over Rockford's hole, and said...

Harry Agganis: Hold on a sec, there, Zeus.

Zeus turned to glare at his half-son the Red Sock, the Golden Greek... All American... Harry Agganis.

Harry Agganis: I sure am getting awful tired of your holier-than-thou carrying-on, there, Zeus... and you know what?

Zeus: WHAT!?

Everyone watched Harry Agganis, nervously, waiting for what he was going to say....

Harry Agganis: Why don't you take your little lightning bolts and your noisy ol' thunder.... n' give 'em a nice long extended up-and-down lick.... and then if ya like, Zeus, and you still need something to maw your big fat obnoxious 'I'm-the-greatest-this-and-that' mouth over, you can chase that lick by giving those little lightning bolts a longer and slower horizontal left n' right suck ... and pal... if you're still not satisfied one-hundred-percent-like.... then you can take those lightning bolts and that noisy thunder... and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR BIG HOLIER-THAN-THOU HAIRY OLD.....ASS!

Barnaby Jones: Tarnation!


To Be Continued.....

Zeus's eyes were blood red like a sea of blood! He was so mad at Harry Agganis!

Zeus: You've gone too far!

Harry Agganis: Me!? You guys brought me up here just so I can play in this weird ol' softball game of yours that's full of damned monsters! I'm beat and I'm done with Heaven! This place stinks!

Zeus: NO IT DOESN'T. IT'S GREAT!

Harry Agganis: This place is nuts.

Zeus: You think I don't know that!? We're immortal... we've been up here stuck in our ways, doing the same stuff, for aeons! It's excruciating up here! I hate Heaven! Why do you think I went down to the mortal realm back then in the first place and ....

Harry Agganis: ....?

Zeus: ....and met your mother.

Harry Agganis: What?

Zeus: Harry Agganis....

Harry Agganis: ....?

Zeus: .....I am your father!

Harry Agganis: ......Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The Seven exchanged surprised glances of shock with one-another.

Apollo: Are you two really going to fight?

Zeus: We have no other choice. He's half-mortal... he doesn't belong here. For eating the Longevity Peaches alone he must be punished by my bolts.

Apollo pulled out his bow....

Apollo: I shall fight also.

Artemis: Me too.

Zeus: Great thanks, I could use the help, he's eaten many peaches and taken many elixir pills, you know.

Apollo and Artemis walked past Zeus and stood with Harry Agganis!

Apollo: Hey bro.

Artemis: No, we meant, we're fighting for Harry Agganis. He is our brother after all.

Zeus was very flummoxed!

Zeus: WHAT!?

Apollo: If you're willing and able to destroy one of your own children... it's only a matter of time before you do it to us.

Artemis: In the time I spent with Harry Agganis, All American, I learned more about life than in the aeons I've spent up here. I can't let you zap him with the bolts. I just can't.

Kaz was in awe, he looked at Artemis, and thought to himself...

Kaz: She's so strong n' true. Gosh. What a woman.

Zeus: So be it. Prepare to die. ALL OF YOU!!

Harry Agganis raised his mighty bat Mjolnir high! Apollo and Artemis both drew the bowstrings of their bows...

Zeus whipped up a bolt! The thunder around him was deafening! He launched his Divine Bolt of Judgement at the three siblings!

Kaz: No! Lady Artemis!

Kaz ran and leaped towards them! He dove in front of Artemis and her siblings and took the full force of the blast! ZAP! He was electrified! Electricity pulsed through his body and smoke shot out of his ears!

Kolchak: Kaz! What did you do!?

Kojak: Kaz! NO!

Artemis shot her arrow! It struck Zeus in the neck! Apollo shot his! It struck Zeus in the heart! Harry Agganis leaped high into the air and swung his mighty bat downward towards Zeus's head! WHACK! The bat connected!

Zeus: No!

Zeus began sending off erratic waves of energy, lightning, and thunder all around him....he exploded into a sea of thunderous fire works!

Rockford: They won?

Cannon: Zeus is gone....

Columbo: I think I just went blind....what a light show.

Barnaby Jones: Weren't you already blind?

Columbo: No, just in one eye, I was. Now I might be blind in both'o'em.

Artemis ran and cradled Kaz in her arms....he wasn't breathing.

Artemis: Kaz! You saved me! Please open your eyes! Say something.

Kaz just lay in her arms...lifeless.

Apollo: He was a brave old soldier....he's almost gone. We could save him with a Longevity Peach but Harry Agganis ate all of the harvest.

Harry Agganis approached, reached deep down into his pants, and pulled out two peaches!

Harry Agganis: Don't worry, I still got these two, I was savin' 'em for later.

Artemis grabbed the peaches, put them one at a time into Kaz's mouth, moved his jaw to help him chew, and then held his nose so he would swallow them.

Kaz's eyes slowly opened!

Kolchak: Kaz! Buddy! You're back!

Kaz: Is....is Artemis okay?

Artemis: I'm fine!

She gave Kaz a great big hug!

Apollo: His wounds should be healed, but he's not immortal, those two peaches are only enough to save his mortal life.

Artemis: Kaz, without you, I would have been zapped into the ashes of yesterday. Thanks.

Kaz: Yeah, no problem, don't mention it. Hahaha.

Kojak briskly marched over to Harry Agganis....

Kojak: Harry Agganis?

Harry Agganis: Yeah?

Kojak: Harry Agganis, do you know a James Cullen?

Harry Agganis: Nope.

Kojak: Are you sure?

Harry Agganis: Yup.

Kojak: Oh, well, ok then.... alright.

Kojak was very disappointed. Kolchak noticed and tried to cheer him up.

Kolchak: Well, we tried. Sorry, Kojak..... but.... I guess it's over. Some cases just can't be solved.

Kojak: Yeah.

Kolchak: Come on... we can't stay up here much longer. It's almost 1700 hours. If I don't get back soon I might miss the election and Tony will have my head.

Artemis: Kaz?

Kaz: Yes my lady?

Artemis: I'd like to learn more about the mortal realm down there. May I... come with you and meet your Yaya?

Kaz: Of course!

The two young lovebirds were ecstatic!

Apollo: You're going to the mortal realm for a while? Don't worry I'll handle things up here and explain to Mom what happened.

Artemis: Bye Harry Agganis.

Harry Agganis: Bye? I'm going back down with you guys! I need to get back to my team... the Red Sox need me down there!

Apollo: Harry Agganis, you defeated Zeus.... you're the Head God of Heaven now. You can't leave.

Harry Agganis: Well shucks! Don't that just beat all!

Kojak: Goodbye, thanks for your time, answering my questions.....Harry Agganis, All American.

Kojak was very let down and felt very disappointed.

Harry Agganis gave him a salute and a wink. Kojak saluted and winked back.

The Seven along with Artemis left Heaven. They arrived back on earth and exited the abandoned computer dating center. Kaz got into his yellow taxi cab with Artemis and drove off. Columbo tried to cheer up Kojak but failed. He walked to his Peugeot.... but... then felt a strange presence.

Columbo: It's another car pulling up? You guys expectin' anybody?

Kolchak: No.....

Cannon: Might be trouble. Get ready guys.

The car slowly and silently drove up to them, it was a ..... Black Cadillac. The driver slowly rolled down the window, it was a man wearing a stark white suit.....

Man in a White Suit in a Black Cadillac: Do any of you boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellooooooooooooooooooooows neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed a riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide?

Kojak, Kolchak, Columbo, Cannon, Barnaby Jones, and Rockford all looked at each other and....

Kojak: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kolchak: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Columbo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Cannon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Barnaby Jones: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Rockford: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

THE END

Secret Bonus Ending!

Kolchak returns to the INS office after a long and tiring journey....

Tony Vincenzo: Oh hey there, Carl, so nice of you to join us today at work...for a change.

Kolchak: Hey Tony. Ghee wiz... I could use some coffee. How's the election coming along? Who's in it this time?

Miss Emily: Jimmy Carter's going against Gerald Ford.

Kolchak: Oh....wow.

Tony Vincenzo: I've assigned Updyke to the election. You cover somethin' else, capiche!?

Kolchak: Updyke? He's gonna write that stuff you get in the Times... all that lesser-of-two evils junk... all that political mumbo-jumbo tripe. Let me cover the election... I'll dig up dirt on both these guys.

Tony Vincenzo: Write about something else... what did you and that Kojak guy do?

Miss Emily: He's such a sweet-hearted man.

Kolchak: Oh we just went with a bunch of friends up to Olympus and sung n' danced n' fought some deities....you know.

Tony Vincenzo: Updyke get in here!

That worm-spined simpleton Ron Updyke sauntered into the INS office rubbing his red moustache.

Updyke: Yes, Tony, I'm just about done my first article on the election and its, if you don't mind me tooting my own horn... a real masterpiece!

Tony Vincenzo: You're off the election... I'm giving it to Carl. You go do some obituaries for awhile.

Updyke was stunned and shattered inside!

Kolchak: Thanks Tony....

Tony Vincenzo: Hey Carl. Stick to the president stuff.... no Heaven or nuthin'....alright?

Kolchak: You got it, Tony.

Kolchak walked off screen to a familiar whistling....the credits began to roll....


Kolchak             Darren McGavin
Kojak                 Telly Savalas
Stavros/Kaz       George Savalas
Miss Emily         Ruth McDevitt
Tony Vincenzo    Simon Oakland
Crocker              Kevin Dobson
Joe Cronin         Sorrell Booke   
Ted Williams      Paul Michael Glaser
Cannon              William Conrad
Columbo            Peter Falk
Rockford            James Garner
Hades                John Vernon
Artemis              Lee Meriwether
Yong Qi              David Carradine
Apollo                David Soul
Nikos                  Freddie Prinze
Head Siren         Beverly D'Angelo

With
Buddy Ebsen as Barnaby Jones

Feauturing...
Elvis Presley as Harry Agganis

And...
Charlton Heston as Zeus


Meanwhile in the actor's lounge, Darren McGavin and Telly Savalas were having a sincere discussion over the film's artistic merits...

Darren McGavin: We've got a hit on our hands, old pal!

Telly Savalas: You can say that again. We're gonna be rakin' in the Oscars, baby!

Darren McGavin: Tell me about it. How are they gonna pick the best supporting actor in this? They all deserve it!

Telly Savalas: I know... me n' you n' Elvis are the main stars... all three of us will be nominated for best actor, no doubt.

Darren McGavin: It's amazing how much weight Elvis lost to play this... he looked 20 years younger. He cleaned up well.

Telly Savalas: Honestly, this film, and the Oscar he's gonna get... are gonna save his life. He's gonna be happy again and sing forever thanks to this movie!

Darren McGavin: Heston was hamming it up too much. I hope he doesn't get nominated.

Telly Savalas: They could've saved some money and got someone else. They could've got a British guy with a good voice to do that part.

Darren McGavin: Oh, uh, maybe a Sir Alec Guinness, maybe. I don't know... I don't see him as Zeus. Now, a guy with a good voice for Zeus would've been James Earl Jones... but then...

Telly Savalas: The fans would've liked Zeus too much and got mad when Elvis smashed him. Heston is alright... I mean... he's hammin' but... at least he's not going like full Shatner with it, you know?

Darren McGavin: True, true. Heston is unlikeable enough that the fans are happy when Elvis gets 'em but likeable enough that they are still surprised when he does it.

Telly Savalas: Exactly, baby.

Darren McGavin: Lee was so good, too.

Telly Savalas: The costume people really made her look like a tomboy typa gal... it was a real stretch for a true beauty like her....

Just then, Telly's lesserly famous younger brother, George, enters the actor's lounge...

George Savalas: You guys! You guys! The Oscar nominations list just came out! I'm on it! It's all guys from this movie on the Best Supporting Actor list!

Darren McGavin: Really? All from one movie?

Telly Savalas: Who's on it?

George Savalas: You two n' Elvis are up for Best Actor... the movie's up for best movie.... and I'm with...uhhh... Simon Oakland, Me, and Buddy Ebsen for supportin' role.

Darren McGavin: You're up against yourself?

Telly Savalas: How?

George Savalas: I played Stavros and Kaz. I'm up for doin' Stavros and I'm up for doin' Kaz, too. I'm nominated twice!

Darren McGavin: That gives you a 50% chance to win.

Telly Savalas: There should be another one too, no? Another nominee?

George Savalas: Yeah, yeah... Deniro's on it too for that one where he shoots all the guys and talks like a mobsta guy... but he won't win nuthin'.

Telly Savalas: You got this in the bag, baby!

Next month at the Oscars, the entire cast of The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs are sitting awaiting the announcment for Best Supporting Actor...

Card Reader (A): The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are...George Savalas for The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs!

Card Reader (B): Simon Oakland for The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs.

Card Reader (A): George Savalas, once again, for The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs!

Telly Savalas patted George on the back....

Card Reader (B): ...Buddy Ebsen for The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs.... and Robert Deniro for The Godfather: Part Two.

A hushed silence enveloped the crowd in anticipation as they opened the envelope...

Card Reader (A): ...and the winner is.... SIMON OAKLAND for The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs!

The crowd roared like a lion!

Telly Savalas: It's okay, George... maybe next time.

Simon Oakland got up and walked to the stage with the rest of the cast...after his speech was over.... George Savalas sauntered out of the gala... he was gonna go straight home and to bed...

...but then Lee Meriwether approached... she noticed George Savalas was very sad.

Lee Meriwether: What's wrong, George? You should be happy. You were nominated...I wasn't.

George Savalas: Yeah...but you was only playin' a tomboy who thought she was ugly in a movie....I have to play one in real life....

Lee Meriwether gently brushed the messed and matted hair from his forehead.

Lee Meriwether: Oh George. Beauty doesn't come from the outside... it comes from the inside.

She hugged him and invited him to her Oscar party!

George Savalas: Thanks, I feel a lot better now, lady Meriwether. My acting has got a lot better thanks to you...I....

Lee Meriwether: What is it, George?

George Savalas: Oh nuthin', just nuthin'....

Lee Meriwether: Don't be shy....

George Savalas: Thank you Lee Meriwether.... thank you.

THE END