It is with a sound mind and heavy heart that I must announce... that I've come to the decision that my comedic writing talents are no longer up to the high standards that I deem necessary to make fun of the American Election.
As far as making fun of elections go... I view the 1996 election as the funniest election of all time, the one where Clinton defeated Dole. The second funniest election happened twenty years later when Trump defeated Clinton (H. not B.).
A long time ago I wrote an article called "Stayin' Up All Night? Oh That's All Right..."
In said article I wrote about how in the early stages of high school I grew to realize that I hated school very much and just stayed up watching TV all night long and slept through my classes. Now, the reason for this, was that I thought the program Late Night with Conan O'Brien was the funniest thing in the world at that time and I literally loved it and it made me laugh quite a bit.
The benchmark, to me, for making fun of elections is the humorous stylings of 1996 era Conan n' Andy... oh and Robert Smigel (who I think did all the voices for the "Clutch Cargo" bits).
Let's see an example:
This is the standard of excellence, I think, all who make fun of American Elections should be held to... and I'm aware my stylings are not to this level... and it is with a very very heavy heavy heart that I will now cease making fun of the election. It hurts but... I think it's time to throw in the towel.
I had some sort of okay jokes left in me. I am still weirded-out by the third party candidate in this election. Who was it in 1996... I can't remember now... Nader? no. Perot? Oh ya! ROSS PEROT!
Anyways, 2024's third party candidate was Bobby Kennedy, one of the remaining Alive Kennedys, as opposed to the many many Dead Kennedys... so many in fact you could probably even start a band with all Kennedys who are now deceased.
Bobby Kennedy, along with Roseanne (who's hanging out with Bobby for some unexplained reason) released an anecdote to the media recently where he details a bizarre account in which... he um... either kills a bear cub or finds a dead bear cub in the woods... and then puts the corpse in his vehicle... where he proceeds to drive the deceased bear cub corpse to Central Park in New York and place the dead bear cub corpse in plain sight for all to see in the morning when it is found... AND... he put the bear cub's corpse on a bicycle... so when the corpse was found... everyone would think this bear cub died in some sort of unexplained bicycling accident...
...I haven't swore in this publication in many years but...
WHAT THE FUCK, BOBBY!?
It gets weirder every time I think about this... and typing it out even feels strange.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is my final joke of the 2024 election...
You know that Bobby Kennedy story about the bear cub dying on a bicycle in Central Park? Man, what a great Residents song that'd make!
Not funny? I know, it's too obscure. It's hard to explain to. It's not really a well known pop music band any longer, The Residents, and I'm talking about a very specific era of the Residents as well where this song would work. I'm not talking about the Mole trilogy stuff, or Gingerbread Man, or the Elvis or Eskimo albums... I'm specifically talking about Demons Dance Alone era Residents that this would make a good song and fit on the album.
Place "Bear Cub" right after "Thundering Skies" in the "Denial" portion of the album and it'd work. You can't really fit it into the "Loss" portion of Demons Dance Alone and you definitely could never sandwich it into the "Three Metaphors" portion of the album because then it would come on right after "Wolverines" and that song is too similar in nature to Bobby's bear cub song. Then you'd have a song about killing Wolverines and killing Bear Cubs right after each other and from a production standpoint... that really just wouldn't work.
See, now I have to explain the joke, because it's too obscure... and by now everyone is tired. It's not even a good joke to begin with, even.
So, as you can see, I'm out of steam in making fun of the 2024 election and it's time to throw in the towel, you guys.
By the way, if you are interested in The Residents, Demons Dance Alone is a good place to start. It's listenable-to as an album, which is a weird way to describe music as being listenable to, but Demons is a very listenable to Residents album... you don't want to start with the Mole stuff... you want to sort of graduate into the Mole stuff... there's definitely some albums you can skip... the only other Residents album that I'd describe as very listenable-to, as in it actually sounds like music, is Gingerbread Man but that album is less listenable to than Demons is.
What else did Bobby say? He has mind worms in his brain that control his mind or something? I don't know if I want to make fun of him too much... to be honest... I think he might have some mental illness of some kind that he may want to seek attention for.
Truthfully, I'm not even really making fun of him... I actually would like to hear his "Bear Cub" story as a deranged-arranged Residents song.
Alright, so make sure to vote in the 2024 election... because voting is important. Okay, bye.
