I'm starting my annual short story early this year. Let's write a spring story, you guys.
I look at some of my older stories I punch up in here and I noticed they veer always to a certain demographic. I think it's better when you start out writing things to think of the demographic of the audience you're writing to and have that in mind as you write.
I think the Halloween ones are for a scary/spooky style people audience. I think one was aimed at a female audience, the one where Lee and Richard fight over a house... it was a real-estate triangle meets a love triangle that in the end... was perfect for the ladies.
After that, the one where they try to get the guy's van back in Canada was for a male demographic. It had bullets and guns and everything you'd ever want to see in a story geared towards tough guys like you and me.
What next? What haven't I tried before?
Let's go for a High School demographic where the lead character goes to a place of learning geared towards a post-grade-school style education. Now, lots of people who write for this demographic flub it up due to the fact that they view the high school audience as being too innocent. They make these silly shows like Boy Meets World or Degrassi High or Saved by the Bell... which sort of depict the high school students as being totally well-maintained social creatures. This is not really reflective of reality where high school is actually the place wild unclean youth learn how to become well-maintained social creatures.
High school students in these shows are just young adults doing adult things but with younger faces. They are smart, clean, and normal people. It's in fact, in all accounts, the opposite. The high school student is a proto-human in many ways. A mass of cells and glands that are still forming into a real human. They are humans so uncivilized and un-cultured that you could never possibly view them as being innocent yet in most programs, books, and movies geared towards this demographic... you seem to find goofy, innocent, pure people... rather than unruly and unregulated characters.
Yet... in the same confusing fashion these uncontrollable mammals are still more innocent than adults as they haven't, in most cases, been exposed to the trials and the tribulations that most older victims currently on the march of on-going humanity have already learned, understood, and accepted.
That's the dichotomy, going on there, gang. Somehow these "high school students" or adolescents are somehow both less and more innocent than people younger or older than they. They are less civilized yet less burned-out than the older generation. They are more civilized yet more burned-out than those younger than they are.
Re-reading that paragraph... it doesn't make any sense what I just wrote, did it?
We are all on the same life-expectancy chart. I don't think a 66 year old, a 36 year old and 16 year old are necessarily from different ways of thinking... they are both, alive, at the same time on a rock floating through time and space. The fact that a 66 year old, a 36 year old and 16 year old are alive at the same time in this moment of humanity is in itself a miracle of eternity.
One has not lived more life than the other has. We are, in all age groups, living equal life at the same time. A bird that fell out of its nest at birth... and lived for only 3 seconds... still lived. There's no real way to say someone's experiences, or trials, or tribulations, or joys, or hardships... somehow can give anyone more life than any other person. We all... of any age, language, race, culture, and background each use the time and the resource known as our lives... equally.
That being said... it will be an undertaking to try and remember the world of "high school"... a world very much different than being a "kid" but in many ways also very much different than being an "adult"... a sort of world where the lead character in an upcoming short-story may not really know where he or she fits in... in a place of their lives where they are sandwiched demographically among the young and the old.
A world most want to remember and some like to forget, a world called adolescence... we shall explore this brave yet old world in the following short story entitled...
Julio, God, and Super Mario Bros. 2
-a Short Story by D.
Chapter 1
circa 1990.
"Wake up Julio! It's time for school!" said Julio's mother Juanita.
Julio rolled around in his bed, his head ached, he couldn't think straight. He didn't want to go to school today. He had nightmares about not returning a video to the video store, wanted to stay in bed, and dream about video games.
"I...I'm sick today, MOM! I can't go to school. I have a big fever!" said Julio back to his mother.
Julio slept in three blankets yesterday even though it was April. He knew the blankets would put his morning temperature above the limit of going to school. He had used this fool-proof plan before and knew it would work this fine Tuesday as well. Tuesday, the best day to pretend to be sick, no one even cares if you're sick on this day.
"No! You're not!" replied Julio's mother, a woman of short height but of high resolve.
"Uh... YES! I... AM! Get the thermometer," said Julio who knew, with three blankets, slept over him last night that the odds he could succeed in faking being sick was close to clearing 100%... for Julio was a genius who loved mathematical probabilities.
"No way, pendejo, my thermoter broke!" bizarringly answered his mother.
"No, it's not, just go get it... cough cough cough... I am very very sick today and cannot go to school, mom," said Julio.
"Yes you can. I made bacon and eggs, GET UP!" she replied.
Bacon? He thought. Might as well go to school if she made bacon, he thought. If you pretend to be sick you also have to pretend to be too sick to eat bacon... as he learned from prior attempts at staying home from school. She's right... he should go to school. He can just sleep at school after recess anyway... you just have to do home-room, the first one after that, 201 something... and after recess where the idiots make you play soccer with them... you can just sleep in class for two and a half hours. If I get up now... at least I get to eat bacon... but... if I stay home... I can try and beat... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the Nintendo Entertainment System.
What should he do?
He couldn't beat the water level with the bombs and it kept him up well past bed time. He died so many times trying to defuse the bombs... it wasn't even fair! It wasn't fair! When his mom came to check if he was playing past bed-time he had to turn it off and jump into his bed...right before he defused the last bomb! IT WASN'T... fair.
He tried that water level 50 times since he got Turtles for Christmas. It's been three months since he got it and he still hadn't beaten the water level. Kids at school were talking about shooting missiles out of the turtle van at tanks in the level after it at the school yard and at pizza parties. They had gotten past it... they were ALREADY driving around in the turtle van firing missiles at tanks while he was still at the water level.
Bacon? Fuck bacon.
"Moooooooooooooom....ma. I'm SICK! I can't go! Get your thermometer I got a fever of like...." fake-whined Julio.
"...a hundred and three!? YEAH RIGHT! Get out of bed, pendejo!" countered his mother.
"I actually can't today, mom! I'm so sick it hurts!" he said confident that his clever ruse would succeed.
"Julio, what happened yesterday?" she coyly asked.
"The thermometer broke and you let me chase the mercury around the kitchen... it was fun... but.... oooooooooh," said Julio and 'oh shit' he thought.
"Yes! My thermometer broke! I can't take your temperature and pretend it's one hundred and three because you're sleeping under three blankets... again!" said sweet Juanita who soon had to go to work.
"...." thought Julio.
What a bitch, he thought. Julio was thirteen now and often thought of swear words like an adult even while doing childish things like pretending to be sick. It was quite the dichotomy, it was. He felt like a jabroni to be honest. He knew he had to go to stupid school... but his heart wasn't in it... he hated school. He didn't mind sleeping in most classes while the chill teachers spoke but he hated playing soccer at recess with the stronger kids and he hated... Mr. Schett from homeroom... the meanest teacher in the school.
"Mom...." said Julio.
"Yes," said his sweet mother Juanita.
"I'm...I'm okay... I... can go to school," he surrendered. What a bitch, he thought, turning him chasing mercury around the kitchen into a game... he should have recognized that it was nothing more than a clever ploy to not have a thermometer on hand to take his temperature so he could fake being sick and stay home to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his NES.
"Good... so go! I have to go to work, baby. The latch-key is open, but I'll probably pick you up today, I love you, Julio," she said to Julio.
"K. Ok. Whatever," he said. Knowing saying "I love you" back to your mom is "so gay" as Troy told him at school.
"Say I love you back!" she implored as she left for work.
...he heard the door shut but said nothing. He wasn't like that. He didn't say "I love you" back to his stupid mom.
Julio got out of bed and rubbed his aching head. He had played Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his NES all night and was ashamed. Not only Troy but also Tex had already gotten past the water level... and it made him so ashamed... because yesterday at recess... he lied.
"Hey Mexico! What's after the water level if you beat it, HUH!?" demanded Troy... his douchebag-like voice replaying in Julio's mind like a terrible PTSD.
"...." remembered Julio as his response.
He lied to them. He lied to those cool soccer playing kids at recess. He lied and was so ashamed. He didn't stay up all night long playing the water level because he wanted to... he stayed up playing the water level... because... he had to.
He got cleaned and dressed and went to eat the bacon, eggs, toast, orange juice, and pancakes his mom left on the kitchen table for him. He ate in solemn silence for he knew they'd ask him again at recess if he beat the water level yet... and if he lied to them again... they wouldn't let him play.
He suited up in his red, white, and blue track jacket and hopped on his bike and made his way to school. He lived near school... which was cool but also sucked. You never could explain why you were late if you lived near school.
He took a shortcut through a dirt path to avoid Mr. Redneck's chained up dogs.
The whole bikeride, all he could worry about, was Troy's face when he told him he hadn't beaten the water level yet... but before that... he had to sit through 2 hours of Mr. Schett's homeroom...he started to have PTSD while biking which was dangerous... he almost crashed and died but he didn't.
"What's 7x7, Cheryl!?" yelled Mr. Schett in Julio's mind.
"49!" she answered.
"That's it! Yeah! Great going! You students are the best! Trent what's 9x6?" Julio remembered Mr. Schett asking the class in his mind.
"54!" Answered the trusty Trent.
"Daygo, what's... the square root of 500!?" Julio replayed it in his mind for 10,000th time.
"I dunno, Mr. Schett," discouragingly answered Julio.
"Well? Take a guess... you little WET BACK DAYGO! You don't SPICK english today or what!?" yelled Mr. Schett in his mind as he biked down the dirt road to school.
"...if you boil down the odds and think about it... it's probably around 22.5... sir... but I'm not allowed my calculator in homeroom... they let us in math class... but not in...." he recalled as he almost biked over a stone and simultaneously lost balance in his mind and on his bicycle.
"NO! The answer in MY BOOK is 22.36 you idiot DAYGO!" he remembered from yesterday's class.
"My name is actually Julio, Mr. Schett, not Diego, but.... I think you had a Diego last year my cousin told me and... maybe you're confusing me with him," politely said Julio.
Julio stopped thinking... he had to focus on his biking.
When he made it to school he sat down in the same chair as always and said "hi" to no one... just rested his eyes until homeroom was over. He hated homeroom. It was longer than the other classes and it didn't focus on anything.
Mr. Schett walked in... late as usual... he was a staunch man with a bald head and a mustache. His glasses were large and round... way too big for his face. He had mustard on his tie... Julio barely even noticed him enter. He figured if he kept his head down and not make eye contact he could make it through this portion of school without being asked any questions or called upon. He opened up the instruction manual for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES and kept his head down.
Mr. Schett wrote some dumb schett on the chalk board and then turned around...
"Good morning, class, now... yesterday's homework was to... DAYGO WHAT ARE YOU READING!? WHAT ARE YOU READING DAYGO! WHAT'RE YOU READING!?" yelled Mr. Schett.
Already he thought? Called upon not even a minute in? Damn.
"Nothing, your sir... Nothing uh, I mean... nothing sir," he replied.
"Gimme THAT!" Yelled Mr. Schett as he grabbed the instruction manual for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES out of Julio's hands.
"..." said Julio.
"It's mine now! It's MINE NOW! This is what!?" screamed the fat mustard-stained Mr. Schett.
"It's for a video game... sir," replied Julio.
"Video game? That's the devil's make! You are the WORST person in my class! I literally actually HATE you Daygo... I actually hate you," unpolitely said Mr. Schett.
Mr. Schett put the instructional manual for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES into his desk.... a desk full of years of belongings confiscated from students.
Julio felt bad but didn't care. At least his daily word lashing was over early today... he usually didn't get word-lashed twice in one day. He now could focus his worries on recess and on Troy... and the elephant in the room... the fact that he still hadn't beaten the water level.
Homeroom ended with a ding-dong bell and he picked up his books and left class... leaving behind the manual which he already read twenty times already and had no information left in it that could help him anyways so he didn't really miss it...
He walked to the soccer field for recess... he sort of liked soccer but not as much as video games. He could already see Troy's signature fluorescent green headband and Tex's fluorescent blue arm bands. They shone like crystals in the greenery of the backdrop of the playing field.
"I... beat it... I..." he remembered saying but everyone knew it was the turtle van after the water level. You drove and shot missiles at stuff. Julio lied and said it was the Rat King after... and he knew he'd never live it down. They all knew it was the turtle van not the Rat King after the water level. They all laughed at him. He hated it.
He saw the soccer team playing pinnies vs. shirts in the soccer field. Troy just powered up a combination give-and-go passing technique up the middle with Tex... he passed to Tex and he scored! They hollered and cheered like wild lions.
As they saw Julio approach they scoffed and sneered at him...
"Hey liar! You can't play today! Okay!? You lied to us! Everyone knows it's the VAN after the WATER! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Troy as all the soccer boys laughter stabbed and stung his heart like a rain of daggers.
"..." replied Julio as the whole soccer field laughed at him.
"Yeah! You can go sit on the bench with Poor Kid! We don't let liars play soccer! Only trusted rad dudes can play soccer at recess!" said Tex as he adjusted his cool blue armbands as the sun reflected off his ray-bans.
Julio felt dejected because he didn't mind soccer that much. It was better than homeroom but less fun that math class. He slowly and sadly walked to the bench to sit next to the smelly Poor Kid who they also, for many weeks, disallowed from playing soccer because he smelled.
Julio sat down, next to Poor Kid, but left some room between them in case he really did smell like they claimed he did.
"Hey Poor Kid..." said Julio.
"Hi Julio," said Poor Kid as he gently waived.
Recess was only twenty minutes but this twenty minutes would be long. He looked down at his own stupid knees that were sort of mismatched and off center and not parallel to each other. He thought to himself that even his knees were weird. Gangly and weird. He thought he was weird... even weird enough to talk to Poor Kid who the other kids viewed as a pariah of the highest order for his ugly jogging pants that he wore every single day.
"Hey, Poor Kid, what's your real name?" kindly asked Julio.
"My name's Peter... Peter Pannis. Everyone hates me. They call me Poor Kid or Peter Penis... it's... uhh... it sucks. I can't play soccer with them," shyly replied Peter Pannis.
"Everybody says you smell, Peter... but as I sit next to you for the first time... you don't even smell," said Julio.
"I'm just poor. I live with my grandma after my parents died and I can't afford new shoes or clothes because she is old and has taken gravely ill, I still take baths and wash my clothes... but... I wear the same sweater and jogging pants every single day and everyone has taken notice. First, they just called me Jogging Pants Boy but then it turned into Penis Boy and then it turned into... Poor Kid... after I didn't change my jogging pants for two months," said Peter the Poor Kid.
"Oh, I didn't know. I thought you just smelled so I never came close to you prior to right now," said Julio.
"It's okay. No one does any longer. I'm an outcast, a complete and utter human pariah thanks to the tattered holes in my only pair of jogging pants," brokenly stated Peter.
"Oh man..." said Julio who now thought that his bold-faced lie about the Rat King coming after the water level on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES would render him into an outcast as Peter. Will he too now become nothing more than a human pariah?
"Why are you on the bench? How come you aren't playing today? I watch the games sometimes at recess... you're pretty good at it," asked Peter.
"I... lied to Troy right to his face. I told him I beat the water level in Turtles and..." Julio began but was interrupted by Peter.
"He's a liar. He asked me where I was in Turtles a few weeks ago and I told him I was at the van level right after the water level... I watch the games from here... he's been telling everyone he's at the van level now... but he's lying... I doubt he's even gotten past Rocksteady to save April yet," informed Peter.
Julio's eyes widened like a person who had been hit by a divine rainbow from heaven up on high!
"He never beat the water level? What a fink! What a FIEND! I hate that fucking guy! LIAR! LIAR! HIS PANTS ARE ON FIRE! He's... wait... you beat the water level?" asked Julio after his rage subsided.
"Oooooooooooh yeah... like a week ago, dude. I housed that shit roller-back style and one-hopped that level on the slant on the first try," he said so coolly.
It was at that moment that Julio realized that not only was he talking to the smelly kid for the first time in his life but he was also talking to the... coolest kid in the entire school.
"Where are you now in Turtles, Peter?" asked Julio wide-eyed.
"I beat it the other day... it's not that hard. It's harder than Mega Man but once you get the hang of the gimmicks like the grappling hooks and shit it's not that hard... plus... later on in the game you can find your captured turtles you lost earlier-on tied to pipes or columns or something..." said Peter Pannis.
"Grappling hooks?" said the dumbfounded Julio.
"Yeah, you gotta use them to scale the buildings in the roof level but it's pretty stupid because it's not implemented correctly and you always seem to just fall off the edge... but... once you get to the technodrome..." explained Peter.
Julio's eyes widened to the maximum.
"The technodrome's in the game!?" asked Julio.
"Yeah... but it sucks though... it looks pretty stupid... not like on the show... and like... there's stupid electrified floors that do damage and stuff... but it's not really clear at first and it can catch you off guard. I lost Raph at the technodrome..." he forlornly said about losing Raph.
"You lost Raph... at the technodrome?" said the incredulous Julio pretending to feel his pain. He lost all his turtles at the water level over and over and only could wish he could even get the chance to lose Raph at the technodrome.
"Yeah but I pulled through in the end... WHOA..." said Peter before a soccer ball almost hit him in the face.
"YO! Liar! Throw it back and don't let Poor Kid touch it or the ball might get AIDS!" hatefully said Tex.
Julio obliged and threw it back.
"I hate Tex... he actually does smell too... unlike you. People just say you smell but Tex really does smell... his lunches are so weird. One time I saw Tex eat a sandwich that had bologna with raspberry jam on it. His breath stinks like weird-ass food," Julio said.
"I know. He threw a half eaten sandwich at my chest once and it was tuna fish, liverwurst, and lettuce... his food is like fucked up, man," Peter replied in agreement.
"I know his food is so fucked up. The guy eats fucked up food. Lettuce on everything even sandwiches with bananas and peanut butter... this asshole still manages to get lettuce on this shit... like what the actual fuck?" asked Julio.
"I know. I know..." agreeingly stated Peter as he looked up to see if any balls were incoming but weren't.
It was at that moment that Julio knew Peter could be his trusted friend...
"Hey... uh... do wanna come over to my place and play some turtles or something after school..." asked Julio.
"Yeah sure," said Peter.
"Okay cool... my mom's getting me after work you can come with me. Meet me after school," said Julio.
They parted ways after the recess bell ding-dang-donged... and Julio went back to his classes. The day passed smoothly as homeroom and soccer was over and the rest of the day was chill. It was just math and english left which were fun and easy.
When the time came for Julio and Peter to go to his mom's vehicle to blast-home down the road to play some turtles at Julio's place... a strange group of students gathered around Julio and Peter as they left class.
"Hey... Julio... why are you near that Poor Kid? He's got turds and aids, y'know!" said a blonde girl.
"Yeah Julio, Peter Penis has a penis for a face and a face for a penis!" said another student.
Julio stopped in his tracks as he forgot the coolest kid in the school who already beat Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES was also the smelly kid, the poor kid, and also widely known as a complete penis face.
Peter started to become more distant as they walked... he understood without saying a word that their friendship though true... was forbidden. He knew Julio couldn't become a pariah too by associating with him. Julio was a pretty cool kid, he had sideburns already, and looked pretty cool... he couldn't cohort with Peter. He couldn't hang out and play turtles with the Poor Kid.
Julio gave him a sad look but understood as well and kept walking away at a faster pace... until they were far apart again. They gravitated towards each other at recess but were now once again worlds apart. So it goes.
When Julio got to the car his mother rolled down the window and asked who that young man walking with him was before he put his head down and sauntered off.
"It was my friend... but...he can't be my friend because he wears the same jogging pants every single day of his life..." sadly said Julio.
Julio's mother got out of the car and bent down in front of Julio and said to him,
"Julio! You little pendejo!" Juanita yelled as she cocked her slapping hand upwards...
...and slapped Julio across his stupid mouth.
"OW!" whined stupid Julio.
"Julio! When I was growing up in Sinaloa there was a time where I wore the same tattered gown for three years!" exclaimed Juanita.
"No you didn't! You told me once you didn't eat for like 2 months when I wanted a happy meal once and you didn't want to go to get it ... and it's not even possible some of the lies you tell me!" he countered.
"This one is true, though! I did have to wear the same gown to school for like a few months or at least weeks... and you can never not be friends with someone who wore the same jogging pants over and over and over... because you can never judge a person by how worn out their jogging pants are but..." she began.
"...but by how good they are... at Turtles," finished Julio.
To Be Continued.....
Chapter 2
Turtles
"That's right, Julio, now go tell that young man to come in my car so you two can play turtles," said Juanita.
"Okay, mom," said Julio as he fastened his bike to his mom's car's bike rack.
As the school of humans dissipated from the schoolgrounds Julio made his way to Peter and told him he should come over as to which Peter agreed. The drive home was uneventful. Peter was acting shy and just sitting quietly.
When they got to Julio's house he started to open up a bit more. When he walked into Julio's room he saw a giant poster of Macho Man Randy Savage on Julio's wall.
"You like Macho Man!?" exclaimed Peter.
"Yeah! He's the best!" replied Julio.
"I know... he is. Hulk Hogan sucks!" agreeingly stated Peter.
"Hulk Hogan? Hulk Hogan sucks so much! Macho Man is still the real champion! Hulk pulled Macho's tights!" yelled an angered Julio.
"Yeah at Mania V! I saw it on video! Hulk always cheats! He's supposed to be the Real American and the champion of truth and of justice... meanwhile... he's doing back-rakes, eye-gouges, and grabbing guys tights and throwing them out of the ring by their tights!" said the intelligent wrestling fan Peter.
"Hogan sucks so much! I hate him so much! I was even rooting for ZEUS!" said Julio.
"I was even rooting for Boss Man when Hogan fought him in the steel cage. At least Boss Man just hits people with a police baton... like a normal person... he doesn't do back-rakes, eye-gouges... or..." started Peter.
"Grab people by the tights for leverage maneuvers!" Julio said finishing Peter's sentence.
"I knoooow! Imagine wrestling somebody and they just grab you by your underwear? I'd be like what the fuck!?" Peter said.
"Yo. Even Hulk Hogan's underwears are so stupid. Yellow underwears? Yeah probably because Hulk Hogan takes pee-pees in them before every match!" stated Julio about the Hulkster's choice of color regarding his wrestling gear.
"Yellow boots too! What a yellow-bellied sap sucker!" said Peter of Hulk Hogan's boots.
"Hahahahahahahahaha!" they both laughed and laughed.
"Yo! Let's play turtles!" they said.
Julio powered up the NES, the red light sprang on powerfully for they now were playing with power... nintendo power that is.
"Mr. Schett stole my Turtles instruction manual today... I almost forgot," said Julio as he pressed start on Turtles.
"Mr. Schett is WEIRD... I've never had him. I have Mrs. Dongyschotts for homeroom. That teacher, Mr. Schett... is pretty fucked up. He calls me Penis Face too like the other kids do," said Peter as he ashamedly shook his head.
"He calls me Daygo... I think because there was a latino kid in his class last year named Diego and he thinks he makes the other kids laugh by calling me that name... they don't even care though... he sucks," said Julio as he got to the first screen of Turtles.
"Which Turtle do you use, Pete?" asked Julio to figure out Peter's preference in Turtles.
"What? I use all of them... you gotta cycle them to spread the damage across your whole squad," replied the very smart Peter.
"I use Don because you can beat Rocksteady at the box part by just standing on the boxes and thrusting your bo-staff powerfully downwards on his stupid head," confidently stated Julio.
"If you need cheater-ass stuff like that to beat this game... you're never gonna beat this game. Good luck beating Shredder if you can't even go toe-to-toe with friggin' Rocksteady... you think there's gonna be boxes to hide on when you get to Shred-head? Yeah, right," scoffed Peter.
"Which turtle should I start with?" asked Julio.
"Whichever you like... when you take half damage switch out until you find some pizzas... pizzas give you power back... power that you will need to beat the game. This game is all about power... Nintendo Power," explained Peter.
Julio made it to the first boss on this run... Bebop. He lost two turtles at Bebop and blamed it on poor sleep.
"I..I... didn't sleep much last night because of the water level... and... I...hey, uh, what should I do? I just lost two turtles, Mikey and Donnie at Bebop..." said a scared and confused Julio.
"Just reset. You'll never beat this game if you lose two guys at Bebop. Reset, it's my turn," said Peter.
Peter took the controller. The beat of the midi-drums of the Turtles soundtrack started up on the screen as Peter's whole demeanour changed. He zoned into the screen and took his socks off.
"Peter... why did you take your socks off?" asked Julio.
"Oh, sorry... I'm used to playing this alone. I never ever wear socks when I game," explained Peter.
"But...why... do you take your socks off?" asked Julio.
"Loosens me up a lot. Besides, do you see the Turtles wearing shoes? No. Do you see the Turtles wearing socks? No. They don't. They don't need them. If they don't? Then nor do I. I wanna be the Turtles not just play as them. I wanna have three fingers like they do. I want to be them! When Mikey takes damage... I take damage. When Leo dies... I die with him. When Donnie takes a hit... I feel it inside of me like I'm being bruised on my heart and soul. When Raph perishes? I perish a little bit more inside..." said Peter as he began playing Turtles he was already at Bebop and hadn't even taken a hit yet.
"......." said the speechless Julio.
Peter beat Bebop by going back-and-forth until Bebop's character sprite's programming got confused and just starting running into a wall. Peter whipped Bebop's ass with Mikey's nunchucks over, and over, and over, and over... until he beat Bebop without taking a hit.
"The bigger they are? The harder they fall! Quick silver! Quick silver are these nunchucks! Whipping through the air like QUICK SILVER! These chucks, my chucks, are quick silver!" shouted a victorious Peter.
"......" said the utterly amazed Julio.
Peter continued to play... like a guy possessed. Julio never heard the word "game" like a verb like that before. He called it "playing video games"... not to "game"... but it's true there's no playing involved in this verb. This was hardcore. There was literally no playing involved in this verb this verb known as... gaming.
Peter was now at Rocksteady and poised to save April with Raph.
"Switch to Don! Switch to Don!" implored Julio who was a stalwart user of Don in this game especially at bosses.
"Psssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhht. Gimma a break. Rocksteady's move-set is back and forth and sometimes he jumps. Who cares. You think I'm gonna jump on some boxes and gimmick this fight? Psssssssssssshhhhhhhht. Pffffffffffffffffffffffffft, no way, Julio," scoffed, pssssshted, and pffffted Peter.
Peter ignored Julio's advice of switching to Don and went into Rocksteady with Raph. He let Rocksteady jump over Raph's head and then sprang his sais and started yelling "quick silver" again like a maniac.
"QUICK SILVER! OH! QUICK SILVER ARE THESE SAIS OF MINE! THESE SAIS OF MINE... ARE QUICK SILVER!" proclaimed Peter as he defeated Rocksteady with Raph.
"Whoa...." said Julio with his jaw almost on the floor.
"Sure shot! One shotted this sub-boss! Consider yourself HOUSED Mr. Rocksteady! Just like Bebop! Roller back, one-shotted... right on the slant, baby! Right on the slant! BABY! Sweet!" said Peter.
"On the....slant?" asked an amazed Julio.
"Sorry, yeah, once I get my socks off and game for real I sort of speak in my own language... sorry... I just mean I caught him off guard and hit him from behind... like a slant. I housed him on a slant," explained Peter of his unique terms for gaming.
"It's fine. I think I get it," said Julio as he took his socks off too.
Next was the water level... Julio felt sort of ashamed as Peter made it through the water level without even losing one turtle. He almost lost Leo... but didn't... he switched to Raph in the electrified sea-weed at the last second. He made it through the water level with all his turtles.
"Next is the van?" Julio asked and couldn't wait to see the van.
"Yeah... it's pretty gimmick though... you just need to break through one barricade so don't go shooting your missiles at the tanks because you need one for the barricade..." calmly explained Peter.
Peter destroyed the van level, the grappling hook level, he "housed" Mecha Turtle "on the slant" as he described as "one-hopping, back-stroking, like a quick silver!" the robot turtle... he got through the game so fast... and then the technodrome approached.
"You were right, Pete, it doesn't look like the show very much... it's too small to be cool," said a disappointed Julio.
"Yeah the drome sucks in this. It sucks balls... but it's still pretty cool though that they got the technodrome in. I mean there's so many non-turtle like elements in this game... most of the enemies have never been in the show... it's not very cartoon accurate to be perfectly honest," complained Peter as he destroyed the technodrome without even breaking a sweat.
"Sweet! Sweet ravioli! I didn't even lose Raph like last time! Sweet, sweet, ravioli!" said Peter.
"Dude... you just... housed that drome on the slant... like rollerback style without even breaking a sweat. You took a sip of Crush at one point... you weren't even looking at the screen at one point... you were just commenting on how many bad guys in this game have never been shown previously on the cartoon of Turtles..." said a completely impressed Julio.
"It doesn't always respect the source material to be precise... oh shit... it's Shred Head... buckle your safety belts!" said Peter as he jumped up onto Julio's bed and started jumping up and down on it like a possessed gaming maniac as he battled the boss... Shredder.
Julio's mom asked if everything was okay as the noise reached levels she would describe as rambunctious.
"Everything okay? I'm making tacos for you guys," asked the gentle Juanita.
"MOM! HE'S AT SHREDDER! HE'S AT SHREDDER! HE'S AT SHREDDER! HE'S AT SHREDDER! He's roller backing the Shred Head right on the slant! One shotting! Sure shotting! MOM! HE'S AT SHREDDER! HE IS ACTUALLY AT SHREDDER, MOM!" yelled Julio.
"Uh...okay," replied his mom.
He battled Shredder and right as he landed the finishing blow... Peter hum-yelled the "Pomp and Circumstance" theme, Macho Man's theme, as he pointed with both index fingers to Julio's ceiling... and then jumped off the bed and gave a random unsuspecting pillow a top-rope elbow drop!
"HE BEAT SHREDDER! HE DID IT! HE ACTUALLY DID IT! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! I LITERALLY ACTUALLY CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT!" exclaimed Julio.
In the epilogue, April O'Neil thanked the Turtles for turning
Splinter back into a real man... and asked if they wanted to celebrate by eating pizza.
They did.
It was a great moment on planet earth.
To Be Continued....
Chapter 3
Tag Team Soccer
The next day, Julio, biked to school again. He was so happy and full of pride after seeing the ending screen of Tennage Mutant Ninja Turtles for NES. He was as happy as a clam. He wasn't even thinking about homeroom or recess or anything... he biked like the wind... open and free... like... it was always supposed to be.
His red, white, and blue track jacket captured the wind and fluttered loudly. He gave his new friend, Peter, the sweater and jogging pants that went with it. Peter now had new clothes... and they were red, white, and blue like Julio's jacket... and like America.
When he arrived at school he was excited for nothing whatsoever could off-set his current happiness not even if Troy kicked a ball right in his gnads or if Mr. Schett just went totally crazy and started screaming and throwing shurikens at him... that he probably confiscated from kids who brought shurikens to school one year.
Homeroom went well for a change... Mr. Schett was probably too stuffed with hot dogs to make any problems today. Mr. Schett was just thinking of how big his next dump would be after eating like seven hundred hot dogs at the Stupid People Convention last night. Julio sat quietly assuming his homeroom teacher had large dumps on his mind and was too bloated to make problems for him... or at least he imagined this was the case.
Next came recess... as he walked to the field he could already hear Troy and Tex talking to Peter...
"You got new joggers!? Yo! Everybody! Jogging Pants Boy finally got some new joggers! Haw-haw-haw-haw-heeee-ha-ha-haaaw!" gaffawed the moronic Tex.
"Yeah... I got these yesterday... in honor of our nation... the great United States," replied Peter... after Julio told him, after he entrusted them to him, not to tell people he gave them to him.
"I guess he can play soccer now too," said Julio as he approached the soccer field.
"Uh...No! He can't! Losers like you and the Penis get banned for eternity and for life! If you want a permanent recess ban on the soccer field removed you need to challenge and defeat me and Tex at Tag Team Soccer," stated plainly Troy as he adjusted his fluorescent green headband accordingly to the present situation at hand.
"Two on two? One has to go goalie?" asked Julio to clarify the rules.
"No, you lying Mexican shit-for-brains... Trent will go in nets. We use one goal... if you steal the ball you have to 'clear' it by dribbling it back over the center line and commencing your attack on goal. All attacks on goal must start from the center line," explained Troy.
"I must object," said a voice from the soccer benches.
"Excuse me?" replied Troy the self-proclaimed captain of soccer and of industry.
"I must object... Troy... for Trent won't give Julio and Peter's team a fighting chance. He'll stop their shots, that's a given... but who's to say the final member of the Triangle of T won't just let yours and Tex's shots pass by him without even a glance?" asked the mystery voice who was now visible.
It was Woolly-Milton Regular, the only African American kid in their grade, inserting himself into a situation he deemed unjust.
"Woolly... Milton... Regular? Who cares what you have to say? Unless you want to open up the whole field and be their goalie... then get lost," said the goalie Trent.
"If it can remedy an unjust scenario... then I shall gladly dawn my goaler's mitts and go into nets for these fine gentlemen," calmly stated Woolly-Milton.
"You understand the team that loses is kept in permanent banishment from recess soccer, right, Stinky-Milton Stinkgular? If you lose with them... the ban extends to you," informed Troy.
"I understand this very well... but... it is my keen sense of justice that precludes me from not participating in this tag match," explained the just Woolly-Milton.
Julio didn't know that much about Woolly-Milton Regular. He was in Mrs. Dongyschotts homeroom too and he didn't have any classes with him. All he knew about Woolly-Milton Regular was a rumor that went around a few months ago that he tried to stab a kid in the dick with a barbecue fork at a school cook out and people thought he was sort of fucked up for doing that... but... Julio knew the kid he allegedly tried to stab in the dick with a barbecue fork... and that kid was a total dick and very likely deserved whatever Woolly-Milton Regular tried to do to him at the school cook out.
"Do you agree to these terms, Julio, and Julio only? I don't care if Penis Peter does," asked Trent the goalie.
Julio turned to talk to Woolly-Milton Regular personally before accepting.
"Woolly-Milton... is it true what all the kids said you did at the friday night school cook out? Did you really stab that stupid kid in the dick with a barbecue fork?" asked Julio.
Woolly-Milton Regular looked deep inside of himself before taking a deep breath and answering...
"Julio... I didn't really stab him in the dick with the barbecue fork. I scared him by threatening that I would if he didn't stop acting like he was..." Woolly-Milton explained to Julio.
"I know that kid too, he's a dick, so... I wouldn't care that much even if you did do it. He probably deserved to be stabbed in the dick with a barbecue fork... probably," said Julio.
"He did," assured Woolly-Milton Regular.
Julio turned and walked over to his new friend Peter and conferred with him...
"So, do you want to play these douche-noodles at soccer? I sort of really do... I want to beat them," asked Julio.
"I'm down. We trained a few moves in your backyard before I went home yesterday... it seems inevitable that your goal was to challenge them... I knew that to be the case even yesterday..." replied Peter.
"Okay... it's me, you, and Woolly-Milton against Troy, Tex, n' Trent... the Triangle of Douchebags," said Julio.
Julio informed the Triangle that they were ready to challenge them to have their permanent ban erased from the records. One for smelling, who didn't even smell... and one for lying, who didn't even lie... that much.
"You have to beat us by a good margin, also, due to the heinous-nature of your crimes against us as people. You have to beat us at least by three... not one or two... to actually win," explained Troy.
"Oh and Fork Boy... no barbecue forks allowed! None of us want to have our dicks stabbed!" proclaimed Tex to Woolly-Milton.
"Fine by me, ya Texas Redneck!" counter-taunted Woolly-Milton.
Woolly-Milton went to one side of the field to stand in goal, Trent went to the other side to mind goal for the Triangle, Julio and Peter stood at the center of the field along with Troy and Tex. Without even a coin toss or a rock/paper/scissors or anything to see who goes first... Tex began power forwarding the open soccer ball down the opponent's side of the field! Julio and Peter were left totally unaware! They were waiting for a coin toss while this powerful redneck just took off with the ball without warning.
"Troy! Power up! Gimme a Give'n'Go!" called Tex.
"Full power, baby! Pass!" said Troy.
They effortlessly executed an efficient give-and-go passing play... Tex passed to Troy and then sprinted hard forward almost right next to the opponent's goal... and then Troy passed it right back to him. A play they've practiced thousands of times.
Tex opened fire! He cocked up his kicking foot and was about to take a stunning shot at the opponent's goal!
"It's Woolly-Milton time," confidently said Woolly-Milton Regular.
Tex took a shot!
Woolly-Milton Regular leapt to his left and caught the ball! Julio couldn't believe it! He didn't know Woolly-Milton was any good at soccer. Wow, what a save.
Woolly-Milton held the ball aloft in his right hand, taunting Tex after the stellar save he just made. He waved his hand to Julio to see if he was ready for a pass. Julio gave him a nod to assure Woolly-Milton that he, indeed, was ready for a pass... Woolly-Milton threw the ball powerfully up field to Julio.
Julio accepted the precision pass and shouted to Peter...
"Peter! Come on! Just like we trained yesterday in my backyard after you beat turtles! We can do it! Come on! Let's back stroke, bum rush, eagle eye, and one shot it on the slant... let's take these bozos down like their names are Rocksteady and Bebop!" proclaimed Julio with the will of one hundred champions.
Peter was rigid but was able to be pumped up by Julio's words...
"Okay! Let's rock!" proclaimed Peter Pannis in his new red, white, n' blue joggin pants.
To Be Continued...
Meanwhile in the Teacher's lounge high above on the top floor of the school...
Mr. Schett pulled down the venetian blinds covering the window of the teachers secret lair to observe recess. He was intrigued.
Only three teachers currently sat in their evil lair sipping mixed alcoholic beverages and pretending to grade essays. It was Mr. Schett, Mrs. Dongyschotts, and the always-aligned towards evil... Principal Dorksmund.
"Something's fishy out there, you guys," said Mr. Schett as he took a sip of his illicit rum and coke.
"What is it now with those little shit-stained varmints? They always just play soccer out there those fucking kids," said Mrs. Dongyschotts.
"Yeah, let the Triangle police the other kids for a while.. let 'em do our job those fucking assholes," suggested Mr. Dorksmund.
"Hmmm... looks like.... the Poor Kid... is teaming up... with Daygo... and... Woolly-Milton Regular?" said Mr. Schett as he observed the playing environs.
"That could be a problem," said Mrs. Dongyschotts.
"Hmmmm... looks like the lesser-privileged white students are forming bonds with our visible minority group students?" discouragingly stated Principal Dorksmund.
"I don't want that latino kid in my class anymore... you take him, Dongy. Use your nicey-wicey shtick on him and make him fall in line, I can't deal with the minority kids anymore," said Mr. Schett.
"Fine. Give 'em to me. I'll lay on the fucking Ding Dong School shtick on him full force... just call me Miss Fucking Frances! Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaa!" cackled the evil Mrs. Dongyschotts.
"You're getting the foreign exchange student, too, who's coming next week, so be aware of another one. From the orient, this one, from China or Japan, or Korea, or wherever," said Principal Dorksmund.
"Whatever," said Mrs. Dongyschotts as she took a sip of her vodka and lime.
"I hate it when the students... conspire... like this," said Mr. Schett.
Meanwhile back on the soccer field...
"I'm ready, Julio! I can do this! I can do this! I believe in my self! I believe in these America pants you so kindly entrusted to me yesterday... and I believe in America itself! I believe in human freedom and justice!" shouted Peter as he accepted Julio's forward passing play.
Julio passed the ball to Peter effectively!
"Shoot it! Bend it on the slant like I showed you like a curving missile!" yelled Julio.
"...on the slant! YES! I know what you mean!" said Peter as he kicked the ball towards the goaltender Trent.
"Show me what you got... PENIS FACE!" taunted Trent as he slapped his fluorescent purple goalie's mitts together to pump himself up for the incoming shot.
Peter wound up a powerful kick and let it fly! The ball curved on an angle... like a...
"Slant Shot!" proclaimed Peter calling his power move.
The ball bounced off of Trent's pinky finger, slowly curved more, and rolled of his pinky... right into the back of the net!
1-0!
"What the literal and full-fledged fucking-fuck are you thinking!? Trent! You stupid FAG!" yelled Troy in mid-tantrum.
"It...it... slanted...on me," defeatiningly stated Trent.
"Whatever, it was pure luck, our turn Troy... let's show this ABC our full-powered give and go!" said Tex as he started powerfully power forwarding the ball well-past into enemy lines.
He dribbled past Peter who was not adept at defense and then shoulder tackled Julio who was much smaller than the beef-eating red neck Tex.
"Ow! Yellow card! What the hell!?" protested Julio after being knocked down.
"Yellow card!? Shmellow card! There's no refs out here... you feeble weakling!" proclaimed Tex.
"Julio... let them come! I can handle any shot these douche-weasles can muster... for my name is Woolly-Milton Regular! Let them come! Let them come!" insisted Woolly-Milton Regular from the opposite side of the field.
"Give and Go! Two point Oh!" instructed Tex as he passed to Troy.
"Right back at ya, baby!" replied Troy as he passed it back to Tex who was almost right next to the goal.
"ONE TIMER!" proclaimed Tex as he cocked up his kicking foot and shot the ball as hard as he could!
The other students watching from the benches were in awe of Tex's prowess and couldn't wait to see the ball hit the back of the net and tie the game...but lo! It didn't!
Woolly-Milton calmly and casually caught the flaming power shot with only his right hand!
"What!?" shockingly said Tex.
"Too easy, redneck. Now, tell me... what did you mean when you referred to me as an...ABC?" asked Woolly-Milton holding the ball he saved effortlessly aloft in his right hand... taunting Tex.
"An ABC? It means you're... an AFRICAN BUTT CLEANER!" angrily hurled Tex.
"An... African... butt cleaner? Me? Sorry Tex... but the only ABC you see holding this ball he just saved from your weak ass shot just now... is me, myself, and only I! I AM an ABC... I am an... Amazing Best Champion!" proudly replied Woolly-Milton Regular.
"YEAH!" agreed Peter.
"That's right!" also agreed Julio who was very impressed by the skill displayed by Woolly-Milton.
"Julio! Run as far as you can and use your head!" instructed Woolly-Milton.
"You got it, Woolly-Milton!" replied Julio.
Peter ran into Troy to provide some fore-checking to remove Troy from the play whilst Julio ran like the wind towards the opposing goal.
"What are they planning these... these... unkempt gaywads!? What are they planning!?" exclaimed Trent in fear.
"A slant shot, huh? Here's one of my own!" proclaimed Woolly-Milton as he kicked the ball as hard as he could down field. It careened through the air like a freight-train of human justice... slowly... but surely... curving as it approached the opponent's goal.
Trent had the ball lined-up for an easy save... but... out of nowhere sprung Julio with a header to re-direct the ball's trajectory.
"Tex! You should have been covering Julio!" whined Trent.
"I can't! I'm still down field!" whined Tex.
"I'm getting held by this smelly poor kid! I cannot do anything! Oh no! Tex! Why are you always cherry picking in front of the other net! You gotta play defense too, like me! I'm a two way power forward! A TWO WAY POWER FORWARD!" whined Troy who was tangled up with Peter Pannis.
"This move's name's for you Pete... my new best friend! Quick! SILVER!" shouted Julio as he head butted the ball off his head in a powerful motion and sent it to the back of the net!
2-0!
"QUICK SILVER! YEAH! TASTE THAT SWEET RAVIOLI! EAT THAT SWEET SWEET RAVIOLI! YOU DOUCHEBAGS!" shouted an ecstatic Peter.
"Quick.... silver," noddingly said Woolly-Milton as he absorbed the feeling of victory into his bones.
The other students on the fair grounds gasped in collective shock.
"Poor Kid... you... you... can't beat them!" said the blonde girl in tears.
"This is an outrage!" said another female student as she clutched her fake dollar-store pearls.
"This... this... this CANNOT BE!" shouted Troy as he removed his signature green headband and threw it into the air.... it was caught by a round man who recently approached the field.
"Recess... is over," administered Mr. Schett.
"The bell hasn't even rung!" protested Peter.
"Recess is being cut short due to an assembly in the gymnasium," said the conniving Mr. Schett.
"Oh damn... too bad, you guys. It was a swell match but you needed to beat us by three... and looks like it was only two to nothing, oh well, nice try," said the smug Tex.
"But...but.. this isn't fair!" protested Julio.
"Oh I'll show you fair! The first item on the assembly's docket is which students are being transferred from my gifted homeroom to Mrs. Dongyschotts remedial homeroom... and it's only one item on my docket... and here it is... it's you! It's you... Julio!" admonished Mr. Schett.
"What? That's what the assembly was going to be about? Me being transferred to another homeroom? What?" confusingly wondered Julio.
"I don't let cheaters in my homeroom! I was watching the soccer match from my undisclosed secret location... and I saw you cheating! You used some sort of weird latino curse on the honor-roll students to vex them with your Central American spiritual black magic!" accused Mr. Schett in regards to Julio's talent for soccer.
"My... what? Wait... I get to be in Peter's class now? Okay... that's good!" happily said Julio.
"Yeah... you get to be in the remedial homeroom with that Penis-faced dipshit! Hahahaha!" cackled Mr. Schett.
"...." sadly and silently said Peter with his ashamed head looking firmly downward at his old tattered sneakers.
To Be Continued...
Chapter 4
The Foreign Exchange Student
A plane landed at the airport as a mother and her son arrived onto a foreign land... known only to them as America. The mother's name was gentle Saeko and her even tempered and polite son was named... Fujiwarahito Matsuo.
The young man, of thirteen, had never been on an airplane previously or had ever been to a foreign land in his life. The journey was breathtaking... he was still coming down from the feeling of being airborne in the sky so high!
"Mama-san! Mama-san! What a pleasant trip we have just embarked upon! I am ever-so excited to join my new school for the next three months and learn about the wondrous nation known only to me as America," politely stated Matsuo as he bowed to his beloved mother.
"Yes... our journey shall be one of learning and not of fun. We must be, at all times, exceptionally honorable and without poor thoughts when in another land," explained his mother who has wearing a red and gold gown.
Matsuo was a foreign exchanged student tasked with learning about a foreign country. He would live in America and attend a regular public American high school for three months. He was ever so excited and truly could not wait to make new American friends and practice his grasp of the English language.
"Oh, Mama-San, oh, Mama-san... I am so honored I was chosen for this immense task for the benefit of our people. I shall make the most of our journey and make my homeland proud!" stated Matsuo as he once-again bowed in politeness to his mother.
"Your first day of school is tomorrow. We must now access our meagre living arrangements at the Motel Seven," explained his dutiful mother.
"Motel, Seven? This sounds extravagant... it must be the seventh and highest-most level of accommodations, Mama-san," said Matsuo.
"I am quite very sure that it shall be. You are to report first thing tomorrow morning to... Mrs... Dongy... Schotts... class... Mrs. Dongyschotts class," said Saeko as she read her itinerary briefing.
The night passed without problem or event. They found their meagre accomodations at the local Motel Seven and slept soundly in American beds and witnessed for the first time the inner-workings of American toilets. The next morning Saeko prepared a healthy and traditional rice omelette with her personal travel-sized hibachi grill and sent her well-fed son off to his first day at American High School.
"What do the American boys wear, Mama-san? I must fit in with the accepted local customs," stated the well-mannered Matsuo.
"They are great fans of yakyu, like us, but they know it not as 'field ball' as we do but as... baseball. I have procured for you, my son, a baseball related t-shirt with the depiction of the 1989 World Champion Oakland A's figured prominently in the shirt's foreground, as well as jean-fabric short-pants, and a New York Mets baseball cap, my son," explained Saeko as she entrusted her son with his new Americanized clothing outfit.
"Arigato gozaimasu, Mama-San," bowed the ever-filial Matsuo to his mother.
"Oooooh... my son... embarking on such an honorable task... I am so very proud of you, Matsuo," kindly said Saeko as she hugged Matsuo... not knowing what her sweet son would be exposed to in this land of mystery.
Matsuo walked to school from the nearby motel... he saw many fast food restaurants and wanted to try them but his mother kept hold of their travel funds for the time being. He saw many American dogs... but they weren't shiba inu breeds or ones he was common to see... they were mostly large angry ones chained to posts behind fences that said...
"Be...ware...of...dog. Beware of dog? Are dogs to be wared of in this strange land?" confusingly wondered Matsuo.
As he approached the school a group of gossiping girls laughed at him...
"Haha, look at his eyes! Look at his weird eyes!" said the brunette.
"Me Chinese, me no dumb! Me hold on to daddy's bum! Daddy go POOT! Me go ZOOM! That's how me go home so SOON! Hahahaha! I'm soooo funny!" laughed a mean-spirited red-headed girl with intense vocal-fry.
"Chickedy China! The CHINESE CHICKEN! Hee Hee Heeee!" giggled a stupid blonde girl.
"My eyes? My very honorable Father-san? Chinese chicken? I know that in the west you are agreeable to 'general tao' chicken but in the east this dish is not known," replied Matsuo.
"Hahahaha! He thinks he can speak English! Hahahahaha!" laughed the blonde girl again.
"Excuse my grasp of your language, I am spending my first full day in America, I am grateful for your greetings fellow students," naively responded the polite Matsuo as he continued into the building.
Meanwhile...
"I heard Mrs. Dongyschotts is easier than Mr. Schett..." said Julio as he walked down the hall from his locker, with his two new friends Peter and Woolly-Milton, who were now inseparable.
"That's what people say... that we're in the remedial homeroom. You guys did a lot of math and stuff in Mr. Schett's... we do like crafts and coloring... and baking lemon tarts," explained Peter.
"Not really. I do math and stuff in math class... we just sat around and listened to Mr. Schett talk about nonsense for the most part... and giving us pointless weird life advice like 'ugh don't do this' and 'blah blah blah don't do that'... stuff like that," replied Julio.
"Mrs. Dongyschotts is nice but... it's almost like... she's too nice... like it's only a clever facade she hides behind during her day to keep her real self hidden and unexposed. I fear she is a twisted person beneath the veneer of her overly-nice demeanour she hides behind like a crutch for the weak minded," said the opinionated Woolly-Milton.
"Wow..." replied Julio.
To Be Continued...
The three friends, Julio, Peter, and Woolly-Milton... all now in the same homeroom... took their seats in Mrs. Dongyschotts class to begin their day. At first, Julio was happy, as he could fool around, laugh with his friends, and pass funny notes to each other. This happy feeling didn't last too long, though. Thinking about what Woolly-Milton said about her... that she is hiding behind a super-nice exterior... he couldn't help but watch and observe her every sentence spoken and her every movement.
It didn't take too long for Julio to realize... that... this lady was so friggin' weird... and he was really weirded out by her... and not in a funny way either.
"Good morning, class! Ooooooh... you all look so splendid in your cute little outfits today... ooooh... I just wanna gobble you all up! Oh, gobble you all up! Gobble, gobble, gobble....hahahahaha," weirdly said Mrs. Dongyschotts.
"We have TWO, yes two, new boys in the classroom today...oh, yes we do... oh, yes. We have... Jew-lee-oh.... and we have Mat-soo-oh. That's right... now let's sing the welcoming song for our brand new boys, shall we now class?" said Mrs. Dongyschotts as she introduced Julio and Matsuo to her class.
All the students rolled their eyes as they began to sing the "welcome song"...
"Welcome, welcome, to our class. A room where everyone is accepted and no one is rejected. It is a hate-free zone, it is a hate-free zone... and we will all be friends... we will all be friends..." sang the class.
"Welcome Jew-lee-oh! Welcome Mat-soo-oh!" sang Mrs. Dongyschotts.
Both boys were weirded out. Julio thought this was shit for fucking babies and Matsuo could not even begin to fathom what in the world was going on.
"Forgiveness please for my interruption of your performance... but this is a High School... a place of very higher learning for young adults... why is everyone acting like this is a kindergarten?" asked Matsuo.
"Oh... it's not kindergarten. This is how special boys and girls learn. We learn and teach with love," explained Mrs. Dongyschotts.
"..." replied the confused Matsuo.
Mrs. Dongyschotts over-ruled his objection to her teaching methods and soldiered on in her unique approach...
"Now, today we are going to learn how... to make a sandwich! Won't that be lovely, won't it? Oh, yes it will be lovely... it will be lovely is what it will be," said Mrs. Dongyschotts with a smile so large it was hard to un-see.
All the students rolled their eyes, being used to her weirdness by now, but Matsuo was undeterred in interrogating this bizarre American on her customs.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Dongyschotts-san, I am thirteen years old... I am not a small child. This level of material shouldn't be allowed in a place of learning as this. Please explain what manner of farce is currently happening... I am deeply and utterly confused by your behavior," politely stated the upright Matsuo.
"Hmmm... looks like we have ourselves a ninny-winny, don't we class? Ninny-winnies never get ahead, now, do they? NINNY WINNY! NINNY WINNY! Oooh... you are soooo cute, Mat-soo-oh, sooooo cute!" replied Mrs. Dongyschotts.
Julio was beginning to see what Woolly-Milton and Peter were talking about. She wasn't really a teacher but more of an ad-hoc baby-sitter pretending to be a teacher. Was she really gonna teach an entire class of thirteen year-olds how to make a damn sandwich in fucking school?
"Now what do we need every time we make a sandwich, class? That's right! Two slices of bread! TA-DAH!" said Mrs. Dongyschotts holding two pieces of white toast bread aloft.
She was really just going to make a sandwich right now. She really actually was just going to make a sandwich. Most of the class was used to her acting this way but Julio and Matsuo had never been exposed to this level of childishness before by a grown woman. At least, Julio, got the heads up from Pete n' Milt that this woman is all fucked in the brain... but poor unsuspecting Fujiwarahito Matsuo could barely believe what he was seeing, hearing, and feeling.
"Permission to speak freely, Mrs. Dongyschotts-san... I would like to ask something, please," politely asked Matsuo.
"No, no, no, no, noooo-oh... Mat-soo-oh... the teacher speaks in America not the students. We don't live in backwards land over here where up is down, and we don't drive on the left side of the road... and good loveable students don't speak while teacher is speaking..." said Mrs. Dongyschotts in half-song.
"Understood, Mrs. Dongyschotts-san," responded a defeated Matsuo.
"Now, where were we loves... before our new Chinese friend interrupted us? Oh right... we were making a sandwich. After we have two nice whole pieces of toast bread we will need something to go between them. A student at lunch the other week gave me a great recipe! Oh yes, one of our honor roll students, Tex... gave me the recipe for a bologna and raspberry jam sandwich! Ooooooh what a lovely student," said Mrs. Dongyschotts.
Julio could not believe his ears, not only was she going to explain to a class full of her students, how to make a sandwich... but it came from Tex's menu of totally funky nonsense lunch-time ideas. Bologna and jam? Bologna is like hot dog meat... you put mustard or ketchup on hot dog meat... not jam. Ugh... he felt like to actually puke from listening to this woman talk.
Matsuo was given a very unprofessional display of what American cuisine is. In a land of elite hamburgers and expensive steak... his first impression of American food... was that it was bizarre and inedible. He would stick to his mother's rice omelettes as his game plan on what to eat while living in this foreign land.
Homeroom ended quickly enough. For Julio, he already missed Mr. Schett. At least ol' Doug Schett just hurled insults at him semi-frequently. Julio has never been weirded out of his mind by Mr. Schett. This woman, Mrs. Dongyschotts, made him feel like he was transported back to pre-school and he felt like a stupid diaper-wearing baby.
Julio, Peter, and Woolly-Milton were banned from soccer for an indefinite amount of time due to the apparent cheating they did by almost winning 3-0 against the supposed soccer superstars of the school. They didn't care what-so-ever though... they just went and sat on a rock on the other side of the field and pretended to smoke fake cigarettes during recess.
"Yo, I heard from my older cousin Jorge, that if you mix Alka-Seltzer and Coca-Cola... you can get, like, really really high," mentioned Julio as he took a drag of a pretend cigarette.
"Yo, I heard that too. You can get so high off that. Yo, I also heard you can, like, inhale spray cans and....uhhh... you can get pretty fucked up from that," said Woolly-Milton as he pretended to smoke two fake cigarettes at the same time.
"Really? I heard it was aspirin, not Alka-Seltzer, and coke..." corrected Peter of Julio's bad information.
"Yeah! Aspirin! It was aspirin not Alka-Seltzer... you're right, Pete," remembered Julio.
"Yo... one time I jumped so high I left a shoe-print on the ceiling of my garage!" bragged Woolly-Milton.
"Whoa!? Really?" said a very impressed Peter.
"Yo, one time, Peter beat Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on my NES... at my house... I saw him do it," counter-bragged Julio.
"No way!? Shit. I'm still trying to beat Super Mario 2... I never even asked for Turtles yet. Last birthday I asked my folks for a basketball net in our driveway. I shoulda asked for Turtles..." said Woolly-Milton as he took another drag of his imaginary cigarette.
"Mario 2 is hard... I can show you how to beat it if you want," offered Peter.
"Yeah... we should all hang out after school... like every single day from now on... and for all time," said Woolly-Milton.
"It's gonna be lunch after English class... I don't even think I'm hungry... my mom packed me some fajitas but that sandwich demonstration Mrs. Donkeyshits did... spoiled my appetite," complained the queezy Julio.
"That wasn't even that bad, today, a couple weeks ago she actually showed us how to use a can opener..." began Peter.
"...yeah... complete with a full song and dance number!" Woolly-Milton finished Peter's sentence.
"Let's open the can! We know we can! Let's open this tooooooo-na can! Oh, we know we can!" sang Peter impersonating the musical stylings of Mrs. Dongyschotts.
"Hahahahaha!" they all laughed.
The recess bell rang and they went their separate ways until lunch time.
Meanwhile one hour later...
"Troy! There's some gook rice-picker in our school! He's not even from America! He was born in Vietnam!" said Trent to his immediate douchebag superior Troy.
"We'll have to show him the ropes... we're not gonna let some gook who bombed pearl harbor run amok in our school," replied Troy.
"Yeah! Let's go meet that traitorous foreign trouble-maker! " agreed Tex the final vertice of the Triangle of T.
During lunch hour they formed a perimeter around Matsuo, who was eating a rice omelette alone at a cafeteria table. He could not flee for there was a douchebag stationed to his back, left, and right. All he could do was face forward and calmly look at his homemade rice omelette... there was no where to run.
"Hey GOOK! What did you even get out of bombing pearl harbor!? HUH!? GOOK!" demanded Tex.
"Yeah! We know you're plotting to do it again! We should call pearl harbor right now!" said Trent.
"Fellow students, the bombing of pearl harbor occurred in 1941. It is currently 1990... our countries... United States and Japan have not been at war for many many decades. We celebrate our unity and friendship," explained Matsuo.
"Japan? I thought you were from VIETNAM! Okay, well, it wasn't you guys who bombed pearl harbor... so I'll let it slide... this time," said Troy.
"...." wearily replied Matsuo.
"What's Japan like?" asked Tex.
"It is a land of innovation and of progress. We are the home to many corporations known the world over such as Sony and... Nintendo," replied the ever-knowledgeable Matsuo.
"What!? You think Nintendo is from Japan!? What a moron! Nintendo is American you DICK WEED!" said the pompous and sure-of-himself Trent.
"Oh, but it is, it is in Japan, for I live only but three blocks away from Nintendo's headquarters!" proudly stated Matsuo.
"Yeah, Trent's right, tard-face... Nintendo is as American as apple pie and soccer is! You think some crooked-eyed gooks over in Japan can make actual video games? Out of what? Rice or something? Hahaha," laughed the arrogant Troy.
"Have you never beaten a Nintendo game? Surely you've seen the credit screens, have you not? All the names in the credit screens are all Japanese names. It never says head programmer: John Smith it always says something like head programmer: N. Watanabe like my honorable uncle Norinobu Watanabe," explained the clever and educated Matsuo.
"Have I ever beaten a video game!? It's more like... have I ever not beaten a video game!" boasted Tex.
"Yeah... I just beat Mario 2 like last week," lied Troy.
"Ah yes, Super Mario Bros. 2, in my homeland this title is referred to as Doki Doki Panic. They changed some of the sprites for the over-seas release to capitlize on the success of the Super Mario franchise in western regions," explained Matsuo.
"So, lemme get this straight, foreigner... you acutally think that the great American video game Mario 2... was made in Japan!? Hahaha... and it wasn't even Mario to begin with but some weird mumbo-jumbo before it was Mario 2!? Ohhhh man... you have some serious issues... and tell him the bad news Troy," said Tex.
"Foreigner... you're not allowed to ever be our friend, you are never allowed to play soccer at recess, and you are not allowed to use the cool normal bathroom you have to use the smaller dumber one that takes longer to walk to," said Troy as he gave Matsuo the bad news.
Matsuo was starting to feel frightened. He felt like he was a lone samurai in a foreign land surrounded by bandits. He had no escape... he felt like a caged animal. Everything he said was facts and truth and they were just pointing and laughing at him like American hyenas. He couldn't think of a way out.
Just then three more boys approached the cafeteria table. It was Julio, Peter, and Woolly-Milton Regular! The cavalry had arrived.
"Hey T-Triangle or whatever they call you... we came to re-issue our tag-team soccer challenge!" proclaimed the brave Woolly-Milton.
"You can't! There's a two week cool-down period before a losing team can re-issue a challenge," explained Trent... who probably just made that rule up on the spot.
"We won though! Two to nothin'!" said Peter.
Matsuo looked up at the three new boys who saved him from his predicament. They did not look as intimidating as the other three did... in fact... they looked... cool.
"Yo! Gay wads! This foreign kid thinks video games are all made in Japan and even thinks Mario 2 is like not even Mario... or some weird ass shit! He's even dumber than you guys!" said Trent.
"Video games are made in Japan. Haven't you ever beaten any? Every credit screen says stuff like graphics designer: I. Iishii... those are Japanese names! How many kids at school do you know with that many "i" in their names? Those aren't American names!" explained Peter who has beaten many video games.
"You guys are so dumb... you are banned forever from recess soccer. We can't let people as fundamentally opposed to smarts be on the same field as us," replied the in-the-dark-about-where-video-games-are-made Tex.
"Fine whatever... fuck soccer... we can just hang out us three and pretend to smoke cigarettes on the rock anyway," said Julio.
"Yeah we have more fun doing that anyhow," said Peter.
"For sure," said Woolly-Milton.
The Triangle left and ended their siege on the new foreign exchange student's cafeteria table. Our three intrepid heroes, Julio, Peter, and Woolly-Milton sat next to Matsuo and tried to explain to him how messed up their school is.
"Matsuo, right?" asked Julio.
"Yes, my name is Matsuo, yes," politely stated Matsuo.
"Look, Mat, those kids do not represent America, okay? They are full-of-themselves, arrogant, uneducated, spoiled, rich... douchebags," explained Woolly-Milton.
"D...d... doosh... bags?" asked Matsuo.
"It's like an insult. It literally means a bag that uhhh... nevermind... it's just an insult, okay?" said Peter.
"Oh... in my language a very famous insult is to call someone a Baka-yaro. This means a stupid bastard," said Matsuo.
"Exactly! Those guys... Troy, Tex, n' Trent... are stupid bastards!" said Woolly-Milton.
"Oh! I see! Thank you for clearing up my brain's confusion, fellow students," said the thankful Matsuo.
"Look, uh, they play soccer at recess... and like us... they said you're banned. It's weird but other kids are going to make fun of you too. You're basically in the same boat as me, Pete, n' Milt... you're an outsider," explained Julio.
"They simply did not understand the fact that Mario 2 in my homeland is referred to as Doki Doki Panic... that is the reason for my banning from soccer matches," said Matsuo.
"Is that true? Dokey Dokey? Cool," said Peter.
"Oh yes it is, indeed. I do not like European Style Football anyways... in my homeland the most popular three sports are as follows: Sumo, Pro Wrestling... and as your refer to it as... Baseball," stated Matsuo.
"You play baseball in Japan!? I love baseball!" said Julio.
"Oh yes, kind fellow students, have you not taken notice of my cap and t-shirt? They are related to the wonderful sport of baseball," said Matsuo pointing at his 1989 World Champion Oakland A's t-shirt.
"Whoa cool shirt!" said Peter.
"Oh yes... I am not familiar with these players names. Can you identify the five men on my t-shirt, please?" asked Matsuo.
"Sure thing, Mat. Those guys are Rickey Henderson, Jose Canseco, Dave Stewart, Dennis Eckersley, and Tony La Russa," explained Woolly-Milton.
"Arigato gozaimasu... um... what is your name kind fellow student," asked Matsuo.
"This is Julio, the man with the plan! This guy is Neat Pete... and me? Well... my name is... Woolly-Milton Regular... so don't wear it out," said Woolly-Milton.
"Understood. Arigato gozaimasu... Woolly-Milton-san. This means... thank you very much," said Matsuo.
"Who's your favorite ball player over in Japan, Mat?" asked Julio interested in Japanese baseball.
"Why... my favorite ball player... is Masumi Kuwata... who at the tender young age of only but just 21... won 17 games on the pitcher's mound for the Yomiuri Giants last season," said Matsuo gleefully.
"Cool. My favorite player's a pitcher too... Fernando Valenzuela... he's from Mexico like my mom... he throws screw balls and wins World Serieses," said Julio.
"We have much in common, Julio-san, both our favorite baseball players are pitchers," smiled Matsuo.
"Hey Mat... everyone's coming to Julio's after school to play Mario 2... I want to show Milt how to beat it. Oops, I mean Dokey Dokey in your language... you should come," asked Peter.
"I must first ask permission from my mother but I would like to... also, I am interested in trying some fast food cuisine I saw along the way as I was walking to school. I am interested in what American food tastes like," said Matsuo.
"Yo... let's go to MacDing's after school and buy him some burgers, shakes, n' fries before we play Mario 2... and I'll tell you one thing Mat... they sure do beat..." started Woolly-Milton.
"... bologna and raspberry jam sandwiches!" finished Julio.
Matsuo smiled.
To Be Continued...
Chapter 5
Speed Running
The school bell rang out, ending another day, at school. The boys all met at the rock...
"Did you talk to your mom, Mat?" asked Julio.
"Yes, certainly, I accessed the convenient school's pay phone for one American quarter my mother-san entrusted to me for emergencies to inquire if I may eat hamburgers and play video games with my new class mates... and she agreed I should in order to learn more about your customs and ways," replied Matsuo.
"Cool let's swing by McDing's and get some food... then I gotta see Pete beat Mario 2... come on!" instructed Woolly-Milton as he ran ahead of the gang and waived for them to follow.
"You don't have fast food in Japan, Mat?" asked Peter.
"We do have it, yes, but not to the level of sophistication that you have in the United States. We do, in fact, have access to several McDing's but it's not prevalent in my region. The most famous fast food restaurants in my region of Japan, known as Kyoto, serve gyudon... and we also have easy access to the Colonel's Fried Chicken," explained Matsuo.
"The Colonel is pretty good. What's gyudon?" asked Julio as the boys walked to McDing's.
"Gyudon is a bowl of rice with sliced beef on top. It is the equivalent of a Japanese fast beef dish like your fast beef dishes... it is our version of fast food," said Matsuo.
The boys arrived at their local burger place and ordered trios... they ordered for Mat.
"My boy'll take a Big Ding, medium fries, and a cherry coke, my man, please," ordered Woolly-Milton from the cashier who obliged with a smile.
The boys ate at a table outside. For Julio, Peter, and Woolly-Milton it is was the millionth time they had McDing's but for Matsuo it was a special moment in his life. He savored the burger like it was a masterpiece of culinary art.
"My grandma can't really cook anymore since her accident... so... I pretty much get five bucks from her everyday and eat here like 5 times a week," said Peter.
"I am sorry to hear of your loved-one, Peter-san, I hope she can achieve a healthy recovery," Matsuo stated as he finished his burger and started dipping his fries into ketchup.
"Thanks, Mat," said Peter.
The boys finished their food and then made tracks for Julio's house which wasn't that far from their current location. They saw some mean dogs on the walk over there which raised Matsuo's brow anew.
"Classmates, dogs in America... are they vicious? Are they not to be trifled with?" asked the inquisitive Matsuo.
"No... just this guy's dogs. Mr. Redneck, I call him. When I had my paper route back a few years ago... this house was even more of a nightmare. The dogs weren't chained up and they'd try to chase after me. The guy who lives here is a dang bumpus," explained Julio.
"Bumpus?" asked Matsuo.
"It's a redneck... like a country guy... you know... like someone not from a city who lives with pigs and cows and shovels cow shit and shit," said Woolly-Milton.
"Oh... this man is a rustic simpleton?" asked Matsuo.
"That's hitting the nail on the head. That guy who lives there is not really a normal American guy... he's a rustic simpleton," agreed Peter.
"I see," said Matsuo.
The boys arrived at Julio's house much to his mother's surprise that Julio's one friend who was over the other day had multiplied, like gremlins, into two more boys. They don't die... they multiply, she thought.
"Four of you? Damn... I better make more tacos," said Juanita.
"No it's okay, mom, we ate some Dings. We wanted to show Mat our food," said Julio.
"Oh really? Okay," said Juanita.
They charged up to Julio's room and started to act half their age as soon as the door closed and the eyes of the outside world were now off them.
"Macho Man! OOOOooooooooooh YEAH!" said Woolly-Milton as he saw Julio's poster.
Peter did another elbow drop off of Julio's bed onto a pillow while Julio looked for Mario 2 in his game collection.
"You said you have Pro Wrestling in Japan, too, Mat. Who's the biggest wrestlers over there?" asked Julio.
"We have two main factions who compete for honor and for glory. One faction is lead by Antonio Inoki and the other is lead by the Giant Shohei Baba. My current favorite-most wrestling superstar is Mitsuharu Misawa... a powerful and honorable man who is never to be trifled with," explained Matsuo.
"What's his finisher?" asked Peter.
"Why, Misawa's finishing attack is none other than the... Emerald Flowsion," said Matsuo with pride in his favorite wrestler's finishing move.
"An... Emerald Flowsion? What's that?" asked Julio.
Matsuo picked up one of Julio's pillows, jumped on his bed, and executed a flawless Emerald Flowsion on the pillow... then pinned the pillow, hooked its leg, and counted to three for an easy victory.
"Whoa! Cool! It's like a scoop-slam... no... it's a side-walk slam!" said Woolly-Milton.
Meanwhile Peter was already starting to play Mario 2... and he took his socks off.
"Shit! Pete's socks are OFF! It's time to... game," said Julio in full seriousness.
Woolly-Milton couldn't wait to see him play, apparently according to Julio, Peter was amazing at video games and had to see how he'd play Mario 2. Matsuo, a fan of video games himself, politely sat on the bed and watched.
"Wart's going down! Time to front-back, one-time, roll-house, and blast some bad guys!" proclaimed Peter.
Peter played like a man possessed! He threw turnips at shy-guys! He soared threw the air as the Princess like a gentle butterfly! He stopped on dimes and caught the Birdo eggs with Mario with the greatest of ease! He ran fast through long levels while holding millet sprouts with Toad like there was no tommorow!
Finally, he was at Wart. He calmly took a breath, wiped his sweat, and proceeded to throw vegetables into the Final Boss's hideous craw until victory was achieved.
"He did it! See! I told you! Nothing can stop this guy. Nothing!" exclaimed Julio while jumping up and down.
"Damn... I've been trying to beat this game for months and months... what the hell?" said the amazed Woolly-Milton.
Matsuo just looked at Julio's alarm clock next to his bed and said in a calm and collected voice,
"Good playing... your time was 47 minutes... approximately," said Matsuo.
"Forty seven? That's... that's... probably the fastest I've ever done it!" said Peter.
"May I try and make a better time?" asked Matsuo.
They all looked at each other and realized that Matsuo was the only one not freaking out that Peter just beat Mario 2... Julio attributed it to his people's demeanor... he just assumed Japanese people didn't show lots of excitement or emotion.
"Sure... I guess you're good at Dokey Dokey... I'd like to see you try and beat it. It's your turn to play," said the proud Peter handing Matsuo the controller.
"I am a young adult, I am no longer a kid... therefore... I do not play video games anymore... I accept their challenges... and destroy them promptly... as promptly as is possible under the constraints of my mind and hands," calmly explained Matsuo with the will of a samurai.
Matsuo started to play normally, he made it to the first Birdo and was a little rusty and took a hit and almost died. The other boys cheered him on, trying to make him feel better for almost dying at the first boss... but then something happened... as the rust came off his samurai's blade... his eyes became super-focused on his enemy... in this case Mario 2... and he barely even breathed while he played. The other boys just watched.
Matsuo made it to level 1-2... he took a running leap and landed on the head of the first Beezo! Then he jumped off the head of the Beezo and landed on another Beezo! Then another! He just ran across 1-2! What the hell!?
"YO!" said Woolly-Milton.
"I've never ever seen anything like that... he didn't even care a magic carpet could take him over that pitfall... he just ran over bad guys heads to the other side!" exclaimed Peter.
Matsuo, ducked down with Luigi atop of a Ninji's head... as the Ninji hit the apex of its jump, Luigi began to glow... and Matsuo power-jumped clear over the large green mountain to the next part of the level.
"...." was the only response Julio could muster.
Level 1-2 was hardly a challenge for the gamer who almost died at the first Birdo. He came into 1-3 like a hurricane, and at the end, picked up a magical potion... and just ran with it.
"No! Bro! You gotta use those to get coins in the dark world so you can gamble for free mans at the end of the level! Bro! Stop runnin' with that potion, BRO!" shouted Woolly-Milton.
Matsuo did not take his advice and ran right up to a white vase and threw the potion on it, it turned into a red door, he entered the red door, which transported him into a mysterious dark realm... where he went into the vase!
The screen said... World 4!
"He's at World 4!? This... this... this CANNOT BE!" exclaimed the incredulous Julio.
Peter promptly fainted and needed to be shaken back awake by Woolly-Milton.
"PETER! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Stay with me, MAN!" implored Woolly-Milton.
"Oh...oh my...I... I was taken by surprise and caught a mild shock. He's... he's already at World 4!? It wasn't a dream?" asked the shocked Peter.
Matsuo calmly and collectively continued. He boarded a space ship that shot him up to the next ice level which was infested again with Beezos... he ducked-jumped over and under the nuisances and made it to the end of the level. When he made it to the cool level with the whales he picked up another magical potion and started running, jumping and landing on the water the whales were shooting out of their blowholes, and then threw the magic potion on another vase!
...World 6.
"What the... hell... is going on!? AAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! I'm FREAKING OUT! You guys! I am FREAKING OUT!" said Peter as he was wigging-out hard and hyper-ventilating.
"This is not happening, you guys, it's not... it's not happening... it's not..." said a delirious Julio.
"It's happening man! Get a hold of yourselves! It's happening! It's happening right in front of our very eyes! IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!" yelled Woolly-Milton.
Matsuo was already at the three headed snake boss, Tryclyde, and handled the boss with ease. Next came World 7... and Matsuo could not be stopped... all hell could not stop him now... he was shimmying, shaking, duck-jumping, side-stitching, wall-banging, power-hopping, and quick-faking on the one like a hyped-up possessed maniac!
"His naaaaaaame is Mat... but sooooome people caaaaaaall him The Funk... oh yes! I said his naaaaame is Mat but sooooooooome people caaaaaaaaaaall him The Funk! Here's a toast to that boogie!" exclaimed Woolly-Milton in funky song as he rose a glass of orange Crush to the sky.
Peter and Julio were beginning to calm down from their initial shock and were fixated now on the screen as Matsuo was already at Wart.
"Wart-san, as they call you in this foreign land, I have nothing personal against you, Wart-san... but today is the day you breathe your last breath. As the cherry blossoms fall from the sky, so too shall your life, as my blade, known as Onimaru, which can pierce the heavens... shall claim victory for me on this day," stated Matsuo with his eyes closed, in Shinto prayer, as he prepared to fight the Mario 2 final boss.
He deftly dodged Wart's bubbles while simultaneously catching vegetables that were being pumped out of a strange machine... and threw said vegetabales, from said machine, until Wart's mouth.
As he threw the last turnip into Wart's mouth... he finally exhaled... as if he wasn't even taking breaths while he was fighting the boss. The other boys were not jumping on the bed and shouting like when Peter beat Mario 2... they were just watching, Matsuo, in awe... awaiting his next statement.
"My time was..." began Matsuo as he looked at Julio's alarm clock.
"...appoximately 17 minutes. This beats Peter-san's time by approximately 30 minutes..." calmly said Matsuo.
"Dude... you're the greatest gamer I've ever seen," said Peter.
To Be Continued...
Chapter 6
Having a Ton of Fun with our Friends
As the days went on our four intrepid heroes became the best of friends. They hung out in homeroom, at recess, at lunch, and after school... every single day for two weeks straight. They could not be separated at all. They were like four peas in a pod.
One day at the rock at recess...
"What do you guys think is up with Mrs. Dongyshcotts for real?" asked Julio the leader of the bunch.
"I told you, man, it's all fake. She's faking being nice for some reason... a reason I haven't figured out yet. She's sweet, gentle, and kind in a phony way to the point that no one even cares anymore... it's just ol' Dongy bein' Dongy," said Woolly-Milton.
"She's uptight... I heard she's from Minnesota or Canada, or somewhere up North... that's why she talks like that," suggested Peter.
"She is uptight, she is not chill like my new best friends, in fact, as Woolly-Milton-san has explained it to me... she has something up her ass," said Matsuo.
"Hahahaha," laughed Julio.
"Hahaha. She damn-right has something up her ass... the question... is what!" laughed Woolly-Milton.
"I think it might be an issue with her bowel movements. She might have impacted bowel in her intestines. She very likely has a fecal impaction that is preventing her from, taking dumps, as you fellows say. She is constantly in a bad mood and overcompensating for her bad mood by acting overly-gentle... due to complications with her bowels," explained Matsuo.
"...." said Peter unpacking what Matsuo just said.
"That woman needs some prune juice!" exclaimed Woolly-Milton.
"You like prune juice, Milt?" asked Julio.
"Me? Sure thing. Prune juice keeps this Woolly-Milton... Regular," said Woolly-Milton Regular.
"Hahaha," laughed Peter.
"We should make a sincere offer of prune juice to our teacher in order to help her present health condition improve," not-jokingly suggested Matsuo.
"I don't think it's a good idea to give Mrs. Donkeyshits... prunce juice. We'd probably get in trouble," said Julio.
Just then some douchebags approached!
"Well, well, well... looks like this rock has an infestation!" said Trent.
"Yeah! It's infested with losers. What have we got here... it's been two weeks... you guys can re-challenge us, now, you know," said Troy.
"No thanks, we're done with soccer, sometimes we play baseball after school... if we feel like it," responded Julio.
"Sometimes we just eat burgers n' play video games..." started Woolly-Milton.
"...and watch Horror Movies!" finished Peter.
"You know we were letting you win that time, right?" said Tex.
"No, you weren't," responded Julio cutting through Tex's lies like a knife.
"I would like to try... may I challenge you honorable students, alone?" asked Matsuo.
"Sure... you can play me one-on-one... with Trent in nets... you gotta clear the ball everytime over the center line..." started explaining Troy.
"Nah, man, naw. I'll go in nets. It'll be me n' Mat vs. you n' Trent," said Woolly-Milton.
"Agreed..." said Troy as he started walking back to the soccer field.
"You guys sure about this? If they don't get their way and win, like 5-0, they're gonna make more problems for us... it's better to just avoid these guys," said Julio.
"Mat are you good at soccer?" asked Peter.
"Not particularly, no, Peter-san... but I can manage," said Matsuo.
The boys all walked towards the soccer field, listening to the jeers, of the other students. They hadn't set foot in this area, in two weeks... they had more fun eating beef jerky and drinking 7-Up at the rock... yet... as Julio walked... he knew it was time to re-challenge them. He knew he has been avoiding this situation for far too long.
"Peter... can you sit this one out? I... I... think I have to beat these guys," explained Julio.
"Sure thing, pal. You and Mat with Milt in nets? You have nothing to worry about. You'll beat these guys, no problem. I'll be on the wooden benches... cheering you guys on," said Peter.
As Julio walked onto the emerald green soccer field, the grass smelling pure to his nose, he explained to Troy his intentions.
"I want to tag with Mat... it'll be three-on-three again... this time... with everything on the line. If I lose... I will never challenge you guys ever again for as long as I live," said Julio.
"So. Be. It," said Troy.
To Be Continued...
Troy, the Triangle's leader, walked to the center of the field to announce the next match to the crowd of students. They were all there... juniors, mid-card students, and even seniors too!
"Looks like it's the re-match of the ages! The cheatin' foreigners and the poor kid want to challenge us again!" proclaimed Troy to the throng of students watching the field in great anticipation.
"Hey! I'm not a foreigner! I was born in Alabama!" said Woolly-Milton.
"I'm not a foreigner either! I was born in the USA!" said Julio very springsteeningly.
"I'm not even playing this time!" said Peter.
The crowd booed them. The girl students lauged at them and the boy students gave them the finger. As they were all in position, Julio knew there would be no coin flip, from last time, and knew Tex would just start blasting down the field... but... this time was different.
"Hey Dokey-Dokey... here, you start, try and get by me at center," said Tex as he kicked the ball right to Matsuo.
Matsuo recited a small Shinto prayer to himself and then tried to dribble past Tex, his moves were deceptive and skillful... but... Tex intercepted him mid-dribble. Tex stole the ball from Matsuo!
"Damn... I just assumed he'd be great at this... but..." wearingly stated Peter inwardly to himself on the wooden bench.
"Haha! LAME!" chastised Tex of Matsuo's dribble-drill skills... and then started power-forwarding the ball into enemy territory. Julio tried to defend against the much larger student... but was shoulder-tackled once anew!
"OW!" yelled Julio as he hit the ground and got dirty as Tex made it right up to their net.
"No fancy-pants passin' plays today, Filthy-Milton Unwashed-gular! Just my new super kick! Texas Bronco Kick!" proclaimed Tex as he announced his new super move... the Texas Bronco Kick... which purportedly had the horse-power of a bronco behind it... a powerful kick, indeed.
Tex shot at the net! The ball came in like a hurricane of power! Woolly-Milton's shirt started flapping in the wind of the power kick.
"Damn... looks like ol' Redneck has some new Texan tricks up his sleeve..." said Woolly-Milton.
Woolly-Milton jumped to his left and saved the ball but could not contain the rebound! Oh no!
"Damn... it was too powerful a kick! I couldn't catch it clean!" wearingly said Woolly-Milton.
"Oh no... they have the open rebound! Oh no!" said Peter.
Troy came up hard from the opposite wing to smash in the loose rebound... it was a sure goal! Woolly-Milton was lying on the other side of the net! Meanwhile, the other side of the net was wide open! Oh no!
Just then Matsuo, who was running back to their territory the whole time, to not be out-of-position, stopped running and stood right in front of the wide open net.
"I am not very skillfull at blocking shots but in this case... I must... I must help Woolly-Milton-san... the first person who ever purchased hamburgers for me..." honorably stated Matsuo.
"Mat!" said Woolly-Milton.
"Hahaha! What a dork! I smell weakness in his body... it smells like fear... foreign fear. I won't even need a trick shot to get the ball by you. You're so scared of me... as soon as I kick this ball towards you... you're gonna jump out of the way... and it's going to hit the back of the net with ease," said the confident Troy.
"Damn..." said Julio who couldn't make it back in time to play defense as he was further into the offensive zone than Matsuo was after he was knocked down.
Matsuo braced himself. He knew he wouldn't chicken out.
"Chickedy CHINA! HE'S A CHINESE CHICKEN!" said a stupid girl who was hurling invectives, with horrendous vocal-fry, from the stands.
That was the final straw! Matsuo braced himself for impact! He wouldn't move from this spot even if they tied ropes to him and a hundred wild horses tried to drag him away!
"Taste the power of my POWER KICK! FACE IMPACT!" proclaimed Troy.
Troy kicked it as hard as he could... right at Matsuo's face! Matsuo just closed his eyes and braced himself for the worst. The ball struck his face, right in the center of his face. His glasses flew off his nose and he fell backwards... he fell to the ground... as the ball bounced off his face and rolled away to his left.
"MAT!" yelled Peter from the bench.
"Damn... I thought for sure he'd move! Damn it!" angrily said Troy.
"Damnit you guys! You never ever fucking score!" complained Trent.
Woolly-Milton picked up the rebound that bounced off of Matsuo's face. He helped Matsuo to his feet and gave him back his glasses that laid next to the ball.
"Arigato gozaimasu, Woolly-Milton-san," thanked Matsuo.
"No, thank YOU, Mat. You bailed my ass out... and no one's covering Julio. If you can go run and join him on offense..." explained Woolly-Milton.
"...and another thing, Mat. This means a lot to Julio... his honor is on the line," said Woolly-Milton emphasizing the word... honor.
Once Matsuo heard the word, honor, his demeanor switched... he became the same lonely samurai who beat Wart in 17 minutes a couple of weeks ago.
"Understood, Milt-san. If Julio-san's honor is the stakes of this match... I shall stop fooling around and stop pretending this is a fun match amongst friends. Troy, Tex, and Trent... I have nothing personal against them... but for today... they are my enemies," calmly but surely stated Matsuo.
"...." said Woolly-Milton as he rolled the ball out to Matsuo who began dribbling it up the field.
In his mind, Matsuo, asked himself something...
"What would... Captain Tsubasa... do?" asked Matsuo to his own fast-beating heart.
"GO MAT!" yelled Peter from the bench.
Matsuo knew what he must do... he must dribble better. Troy and Tex were already back playing defense... there were two obstacles before he could make it to an open area to pass to Julio. Matsuo started dribbling like a man-possessed! He was dribbling the soccer ball like a maniac!
"Some people might call him Mat... but I call this guy... The Funk... and damn, damn, daaaamn... can this guy... boogie," calmly stated Woolly-Milton.
Matsuo was running over the level like this soccer field was level 1-2 in Super Mario Bros 2! He kicked the ball right between Tex's legs and then shimmy-shook right around Troy!
Dash! Dash! Dash! Kick and dash! Cho Cho SAMBA! Cho Cho SAMBA! Jigezagu SAMBA! Jigezagu SAMBA!
"Julio-san!" yelled Matsuo as he found an open area with no defenders to attempt a passing play.
"I'm ready! I've been practicing this move in my backyard! I have to show Trent my new shot!" implored Julio who was awaiting the pass.
The pass was a success!
"Shit!" said Trent as he pounded his fluorescent purple goaler's mitts together in anticipation.
"This shot will show you poseurs what AMERICA is REALLY ABOUT! The pride of my nation resides currently in my foot! Feel the power of my... AMERICA SHOT!" announced Julio who cocked his shooting foot behind his own head and then unleashed the power of his national-pride based attack.
"All the power and energy that he derives from the country he loves... his homeland... is currently entrusted into that kick... now it's time for these wanna-bes to see what the power of America is really about!" said Peter from the bench.
Julio's kick was so strong, Trent couldn't even get a read on it! He jumped the wrong way, to the right, even though the shot veered to the left. Trent was caught so off-guard by the power of the kick... he had no chance to save it. The ball hit the back of the net.
1-0 for the Good Guys!
To Be Continued!
Stay tuned in a new entry on this website for Volume II of a Spring Story!
