I don't know if I have any regular readers or repeat readers here ... but if by chance I do, you might know that every single year at the year's end I do a "Tim Raines for Hall of Fame" article.
Alright, so ... this year is of course the last chance at getting the Rock into the Hall of Fame. I think this year I'm gonna go on a "...But, Don't Take My Word For it - Listen to These Testimonials!" info-mercial sort of gimmick. I mean why should people take my word for it? I'm not anything wicked-great or nothing. This year we shall look at two celebrities who have been championing the Rock's cause. Jonah Keri and ...
... The Icon.
But first a quick mentioning of why this means something to me.
Why I Care about This
There's 3 things from my youthful halcyon days that just bestow upon me an Unusual Amount of Happiness.
These things are:
1. Montreal Expos Baseball 2. Video Games 3. WWF Wrestling
South Park has a thing on the show this year called "'Member Berries" that are these grapes (grapes aren't berries ... you know that right guys?) that are these cute little talking berries that just shout out things you liked from the past and every adult on the show is getting addicted to them (it has a deeper meaning and message in the show but I'm not invoking that here just the fact they yell out things from the past you liked).
If I had 'member berries in real life they'd be saying things like this to me:
"Hey, 'memba Tim Raines!?"
YA!
"'Memba Mega Man 2!?"
YES!
"Ohhh.... 'memba Twin Towers? Boss Man and Akeem the African Dream accompanied by their manager the Slicksta who never does nuthin' but tell da truth !?"
YEAH I DO!
"Hey .... you 'memba Andres Galarraga, Tim Wallach, n' Junior Noboa!?"
YEEEEES! "What about River City Ransom?"
I love River City Ransom!!!!
"I bet you 'memba Men on A Mission ... Moe n' Mable!? Memba the Bush Whackers!?"
Oh yes. Oh yes I most certainly do!
"Super Mario World!" "Hubie Brooks! Tim Burke!" "Ax and Smash of Demolition!!! Koko B. Ware !!! Earthquake and Typhoon The Natural Disasters!!"
YEAH!
Okay. Enough memba berryin' for a moment we have an article to punch up here. That's why I care about this because Montreal Expos Baseball is my number ONE by far memba berry datum .... and Tim Raines is the MOST BESTEST EXPO!
Two Famous People Championing his Case
Look, we all know the Common Man's opinion is worth the opinion of One Man. Yet what about experts or celebrity opinions? They are by default worth probably like the opinion of ten regular men's opinions ... and that's a fact jack.
Me? I'm just a common man, I work hard with my hands, I work hard for the man, I use up quite a bit of soul. Who me? Hey, I use up a lotta soul but I gotta a goal ... I know my Goal ... it's The American Dream ... but still, I'm just a common man ... and that's all I'll ever be ... a common man.
And thus, my opinion is worth only one iota, and although that's all I'll ever need in this world, it's difficult for one common man's opinion to ever be heard over the loud incessant noise of this to-and-fro world.
Know what I mean?
Thankfully, two much more famous people have been championing the Rock's Hall of Fame case in the last while: Jonah Keri and The Icon.
1. Jonah Keri
Keri is a baseball analyst and author who has been extremely vocal about Tim Raines and his Hall of Fame candidacy over the last decade.
He is of the sabermetric analytic school of pouring over and obsessing about Baseball Stats. He's written books on that subject as well as a book about the History of the Montreal Expos.
He's a famed author and baseball stats guy and thus his expert opinion is of high regard.
I saw him on the Seth Meyers show, talking about Expos and Rock's hall of fame candidacy a few years back. In the whole history of the Montreal Expos when they existed, I never saw them get exposure like that. National Late Night airwaves exposure? Expos Exposure like that? It never happened in the 36 years they existed. With this guy's book and him talking about Montreal Expos on national airwaves like he has ... the Expos have had more National Exposure now than in the entire history of their existance.
To explain this further, Tim Raines was telling All-Star and Gold-Glover Harold Reynolds the other day on MLB Network that only ONE regular season Expos game in the HISTORY of the Expos was broadcast on National Airwaves ... ONE. It's the one where he hits the grand slam off of Orosco and Vin Scully and Garagiola (I think it's Garagiola I have to re-check) start freaking out.
Throw it ova da plate there Jesse!
That's the only National Airwaves game the Expos ever had. Now with Keri talking about them and writing books about them ... they are getting more press Nationally now then when they actually existed. MLB even made a William Shatner narrated documentary about Expos last year, more people know about Montreal Baseball nationally now than ever before. So think about that when you think about Raines's hall of fame candidacy too ... he got no exposure to the American public and baseball writers during his tenure as being one of the most electrifying men in sports.
Jonah Keri's championing of Rock's Hall of Fame case has been monumental in getting him from the 20 percentage line to the 70 percentage line. Rock only needs 5% percent in his final year to cross the threshold into immortality.
2. The Icon
There's only a handful of broadcasters who can walk amongst us and be openly regarded by this honorific title. This man has had candid conversations with the best of the best and the most controversial of the controversial ... he's interviewed the elite winers and diners ... the kings and queens ... and interviewed those who get along on pork n' beans.
He's even on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS interviewed Liberace. I'm talking of course about Broadcast Icon ...
... Larry King.
Larry King has been vocal in the twitter sphere that he simply cannot believe the Rock is not in the Hall of Fame yet. He simply and literally cannot believe it.
The Broadcast Icon was recently in Montreal, where he unveiled the contract Jackie Robinson signed with the Montreal Royals for the public to come see. The historic document that meant for the first time a black man was going to be signed to a pro baseball contract since the league banned them.
Afterwards he made his rounds on various radio programs in the metropolis and made it clear to everyone in ear shot of his Montreal area broadcasts on local radio that ...
... Tim Raines belongs in the Hall of Fame.
In Montreal do you know what all who were in ear shot did? We all nodded in agreement. We all nodded in agreement that Tim Raines belongs in the Hall of Fame.
Do you know why? Because here, we all know that statement is truth ... but it seems much of what happened here in Baseball is not known on the National scene.
Larry King is the greatest celebrity interviewer of all time. No one even comes close. He has done it all in the broadcast field. He is truly an Icon ... and the weight of his opinions?
They are worth their weight in Gold ... and he believes Tim Raines is a Hall of Famer.
First the god damned Chicago Cubs win the God Damned World Series .... for the First Time in 108 years. Which you know is completely one of those "When Pigs Fly" kinda scenarios? You know?
(I was even mentioned in the Wall Street Journal for something I wrote about the Cubs last season:
They melded with suffering and achieved Nirvana and yada yada yada.... and they did it by winning probably the most exciting baseball game I ever seen with these two old eyes o' mine (bypassing the previous game of the 1993 "Curtis Pride" game that I saw LIVE and almost flew through the roof of the Big O because I got so pumped) ....
.... but we have to move on from that exceedingly rare Moment in Human History, not that I want to, I still want to focus on the Cubs World Series Championship ... but alas we cannot ... because ....
... Well, you know what just happened and that something is probably even RARER than the Cubs winning a World Series.
Yes. Ladies. And Gentlemens ....
....
**** A Celebrity Has Become President ****
(I wish HTML still let you use the BLINK tag. That text should be blinkin' !)
Now, I know you're saying that Trump is not the first and that Ronald Reagan made movies about letting monkeys know it's their bed time .... but wait ... Ronald Reagan was also in the military and was commended for his service as well as being the governor of California (the largest state in the Union) for close to a decade.
Reagan had military and political experience prior to becoming the President. Donald Trump doesn't have this ... in fact he's not even really an A-List Celebrity he's probably more B-List.
And Thus, it has been decreed as of right friggin' now ... that The United States of America has its first B-List Celebrity President. That's pretty monumental to be precise and candid.
Why? Because it opens the door for other celebrities who as they start to age, get washed-up, and need a new venue to get attention from ... to achieve the highest office of honor in the Nation ... I've seen on twitter Kanye (oh lord, NO don't run. Please!), Will Smith, and Roseanne Barr state they one day intend to run for the office of the President.
Before Trump's win, many celebrities thought to themselves before committing to actually running thoughts like:
"Do I know a lick 'bout politics, even?"
"Is it hard or anything to actually literally be the President of a big big country?"
"Am I really the type of person who should represent my Nation in Global Affairs and act as the Figure Head which basically represents every human being in my country?"
What's great is, now, celebrities don't need to ask these questions to themselves any longer ... they are finally free to run for the President for a major political party as often and as feverishly as they want to.
This is my prognosticated short-list of which B-list (and even D-List celebs) who may/will assume the Highest Post in the Nation in the next few decades:
2020s: a Fresh outta the Slammer O.J. Simpson complete with running mate Kato Kaelin!
2030s: Jose Canseco!
2040s: the one and only A.J. MacLean of the Backstreet Boys!
2050s: Demi Lovato (wow the FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT!)
Alright Enough of That. Movin' Along.
Anyways. Look let's be serious now, I bet a lot of people are probably like scared right now ... I mean a lot of the rhetoric was about building large fortifications to keep Mexican rapists away, and deporting or barring entry of any Muslim from the continent.
Look, there's a lot of people who are literally and genuinely scared that this rhetoric that won him the election is going to get out of hand. Their fears are 100% warranted but there's some hope still.
First of all, the USA is the best country on earth because their founders made a iron-cast series of great great laws that aimed to limit the power of future politicians in the Nation. So, unlike other countries (my country Canada doesn't even have term limits for example) ... the power of the United States President is unable to reach dictator level power due to said laws implemented by said founders. The President has veto power and executive push-through power for bills and that's his/her main tenet of power. There is a great many a barrier set up in USA laws to prevent individuals from achieving dictator-level influence.
Second, the congress is split ... there's about 50 Democrats and 50 Republicans ... and I don't think those 50 Democrats are too crazy about building large coast-to-coast defensive fortifications (what is this the battle of Ticon-der-fucking-roga or whatnot!? Are the red-shirts coming? Are we in one of those civil war re-enactment thingies?) , or voting for mass deportations, or suing every news media outlet that has ever said anything non-positive about the POTUS. I don't think congress is gonna jump onto these issues with much enthusiasm. So, I'm not sure Trump is going to get most or even any of the more kookier things he proposed passed ... and I doubt he'll be able to acquire dictator-esque powers and I genuinely and honestly hope he doesn't ever somehow achieve that.
The other thing that could be surprising about this guy is that .... he's not really a Republican if you categorize him from the crap he states .... and his own party doesn't really even like him. This is the type of guy who might pull some serious 180 degree heel-turns on his own party at the drop-of-a-darned-dime ... so who knows .... he might even pass bills that democrats want for all we know ... if there's one word that categorizes him it's Unpredictable.
Conclusion
Okay, so, for people who are very sad that Trump actually won ... let's try to find some semblance of silver linings okay?
What did we think of up there in that text ..... Let's see:
1. This opens the door and removes the glass ceiling for B-List Celebs to become President. So we are one step closer to my personal dream of one day being able to utter the words ....
.... Head Whack Packer and President of the United States of America ..... Beetlejuice! (Who me!?)
2. The great laws set up by the founders of the USA made sure to include provisions to limit the power of the most powerful office in the land and thus il Duce Trump is a probably not going to evolve out of this presidency (or let's hope not at least).
Those are okay, what else.
3. Comedians and the Late Night people will have a lot of material for the next 4-ish years.
4. Trump could actually be a Trojan Horse who's not actually the fire-brand Wally George he claimed to be ... and his actual goal is a noble one of uniting all of America's politicians by mediating and coming to well thought out conclusions to many-most-or-all of the nation's quandaries and problems. (Ya, okay, this silver lining is pretty far-fetched ... I'll admit ... buy hey, you never know ... I mean the Cubs did just win the World God Damn Series....).
I like some of those old early 90s Saturday Night Live One-Shot Character Full Length Spin off Films. I didn't drink coffee this morning ... but when I got home I drank coffee ... so now I am all ready to do something ... so I'm gonna write down words.
Pre Face
Alright, so what I'm setting out to do here is find what was the best Saturday Night Live spinoff film, but this genre is somewhat more complex than it seems.
Anyone who knows what I'm talking about knows a great deal of these films are not very good ... but we're not gonna be rating them on a standard scale of how you'd rate films. This genre being as unique as it is ... we shall apply a specific ranking system to achieve analysis on the quality of the films.
My system is basically a raw score (based on how you'd rate any movie) but then a series of BONUS points shall be added based on how the film makers overcame obstacles inherent to the making of these films.
These bonus points are going to be based on the following ... How difficult was it for the people involved in this film to take this content (one-shot character) and create a 1.5 hour full length content film based around them. So, with this metric involved even some horrible ones will be getting decent scores because we have to put ourselves into the people involved in these films shoes and realize what a herculean task it must have in some cases to work with the content they had to work with.
Take, It's Pat, which is a real film that I am not just making up and pretending it does exist ... it exists in actual human reality .... it really truly was made and I saw it in the era it was made in the early 90s. Now, if you're not familiar with Pat ... the joke on SNL was that no one knew if the human was male or female and situational comedy would (sort of) be created with that premise. If I was a writer or director and somehow got tied up with this vehicle .... I wouldn't have any idea how to create a full length "It's Pat" movie .... that's beyond a herculean task ... it's genuinely insane to ask people to work with that content and make it work.
You starting to understand why the rating system will have difficulty modifying bonus points? If you still don't... here.... just try and pretend you are exiting your body and are now being Quantum Leaped into the early nineties into the body of a writer or director ... and you've signed on to do some SNL movie ... and a lady walks in and tells you ...
.... "Okay, We're gonna make It's Pat ... The Movie! "
Where the hell would you even start? Like, it's insane that anyone was ever put into a situation where they were asked to take "It's Pat" and make a full length motion picture ... it's crazy.
Anyways, you get the rating system now so on with the show...
(Note:This is only for spin-offs of characters on SNL ... movies like Austin Powers aren't in here ... it's only characters from the show that were made into full length films.)
1. Blues Brothers
Year: 1980 Content they had to Work with: Two men dress up in suits, sun glasses, and hats ... and sing Blues music.
That's not that difficult to work with because these characters were just a Look and had nothing really fleshed out yet for them which gives the writers and creators lots of room to work with.
There's so many ways they could have went and the way they chose made sense. They were these two guys who don't speak much, one recently released from prison, and all they want to do is re-unite their former band and sing Blues music again. It's a simple premise ... and simple premises usually tend to work ..... and this movie did.
It was a full length variety show, really. With all the celebrity musical guests (including JAMES BROWN) it basically went like 25 minutes of movie ... musical number ... 25 minutes ... musical number ... 25 minutes ... car chase .... musical interlude .... car chase .... Ending. Great progression, beautiful use of time and segmentation.
For villains they threw in some crazy ex-wives and some Nazis (Illinois Nazis) to round it out. All in all it's a great film.
As far as bonus points for difficulty goes, none will be awarded because all these characters came with was a Cool Look and a Cool Look is not hard to work with ... there wasn't really any other datum hinged on these characters other than that they looked pretty cool and liked Blues music.
I'm not gonna get into Blues Brothers 2000, that kind of felt like a sort of tribute film to the first one.
Raw Score: 89 Difficulty Modifier Bonus: 0 Total Score: 89
2. Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2 Year: 1992-93 Content they had to Work with: Two dudes do a cable access show out of their basement and love heavy cock rock music.
Not much to go on but it was something that could easily be made into a buddy comedy and that's what they did with it. This came out when MTV was really starting to hit its stride with the cock rock videos. Kids now a days know MTV as the place to watch reality shows but in the 90s it was a place to see Music Videos and the early 90s is when MTV really took off.
In the 80s there weren't that many music videos to show. The Residents were making videos for their "songs" and they were probably the only ones. In the late 80s Mojo Nixon invaded MTV and started making videos. Eventually every band started doing this and by like 1991 MTV was a behemoth of Rock and Roll vignettes.
Wayne's World hit at the best possible time. The rock and roll persona for these two dudes fit with the times and what the young people wanted. Growing up in this era, I can assure you that Wayne's World was HUGE ... I even played the adventure video game of Wayne's World where you throw this Pizza-Thon to save your cable access show ... that game was cool.
Being a young kid in this era this film will always be fondly remembered ... and with all honesty I liked the sequel even better than the first one which never happens in movies. I loved Wayne's World 2 ... I even used to do the whole "we beat him to death with his own shoes" story word-for-word on command at school.
I won't be giving it d-mod points though either because to have MTV oriented characters release a film aimed at MTV audience during the meteoric rise of MTV wasn't really difficult at all to work with.
Raw Score: 91 Difficulty Modifier Bonus: 0 Total Score: 91
3. Cone Heads Year: 1993 Content they had to Work with: A family of Aliens with cone-shaped heads. Okay ... now after the commercial success of Wayne's World I think the people behind these SNL spinoff movies were ready to start churning these out like butter. But why Coneheads? It's not even characters from the 90s era when this film was made. These characters were from the 70s era of SNL. It seems like a strange set of characters to try and make a full length movie with.
I bet this was always being pitched as a movie or show since the 70s and most people said no to it. The 1996 show Third Rock from the Sun was likely born as a Coneheads show (Jane Curtin being in the cast of Third Rock seems to make that more plausible too). I think why it took 20+ years to make a movie version of Coneheads was probably because those people saying no for 20+ years were probably right.
Okay so they are Aliens with cone-shaped heads, that's great, how is this gonna become a 2 hour feature?
I don't really remember much from this film even though I know I've seen it probably more than once. I remember they get into "fish-out-of-water" style situations often and don't understand earth customs. Fish out of Water can be funny but I prefer it with weird foreigner characters (like Borat or Balky) .... but with Cone Headed Aliens, of course they're weird and will find mundane things difficult to understand and people will find them weird, it's a given. With foreigner-buffoon characters like Borat doing Fish-out-of-Water the comedy is more subtle and works better. Watching Balky Bartokomus or Borat not understand normal situations is funnier than forcing the bit so much by giving the Fish outta Waters cones for fucking heads.
I remember Akroyd has to go back to his planet and fight a beast unleashed upon him by Doug McKenzie in some ritual Star Trek jive kind of thing near the end. I'm not gonna re-watch it to remember it ... it's not worth it. Cone Heads is not a good movie.
The only place they could go was Fish-out-of-Water with it and that's where they did go ... I guess they ran out of bits eventually and flew him off to space to fight monsters. I dunno why they even bothered making a god damned Coneheads movie for, it gets difficulty points for sure but even then this is not a well made film.
Raw Score: 29 Difficulty Modifier Bonus:15 Total Score: 44
4. It's Pat
Year: 1994 Content they had to Work with: A human is not known to other people who come in contact with it whether it is a Male Human or a Female Human. I was talking about this one in the intro and setting up why I needed to put a D-Mod bonus. This is beyond a head scratcher ... maybe it's in some SNL actors contracts that they are guaranteed a feature film or something of that nature.
Why make an It's Pat movie for? I mean, the joke of that people don't know if it's a girl or a boy lasts for what like 5 seconds? How are you gonna make a 2 hour movie about this?
I saw this when it came out and even as a youngster I wondered how the people involved in making this managed to squeeze a movie out of this content. This is another one I wouldn't re-watch to refresh my memory... the whole movie has to do with people not knowing whether Pat is a girl or a boy and it's not helped by Pat having a romantic partner played by Dave Foley who's always very androgynous.
I think at some point the writers just gave the fuck up ... I remember a scene where a black street gang demands AT KNIFE POINT whether Pat is a "Brothah" or a "Sistah" but Pat still does not divulge his/her gender specification. Near the end, a man Pat knows loses his mind over not knowing Pat's gender, kidnaps him/her, and forcefully tries to determine the sex of the creature but to no avail.
My Gosh .... this has a rating of 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. I'm gonna give it 0 too but I'm gonna heap on so many D-Mod points here because to even make a movie and get it released on video based on the one-shot character of Pat deserves some kind of medal or general merit badge of some manner.
Raw Score: 0 Difficulty Modifier Bonus: 65 Total Score: 65
5. Stuart Saves his Family
Year: 1995 Content they had to Work with: A non-licensed group therapist with a lisp hosts a self-help-book style cable access program.
This one is probably hated by most people but I will say right outta the gate that I liked this movie. The behind the scenes people had a little more experience, I'd say, than other SNL one-shot spin-offs ... it was directed by Harold Ramis (rest in peace Egon) and written and starred in by Al Franken who did more writing on SNL than bitting whilst on that show.
I remember this bit, I thought the one with Michael Jordan wearing a sweater and self-affirming his low esteem with Stuart Smalley was fucking funny ... but a full length movie? How's it gonna work?
With Ramis and Franken, I think you got a lot more out of the character you would have if other people made the film. This could have easily been another "It's Pat" but it wasn't. Where they took this highly emotional character worked (I think anyway). It's very early in the film that you start to be endeared to Smalley and start to root for him.
The premise breaks away early on from the cable access show as he loses it within like the first scene .... after he calls his boss a VAGINA and quits .... then this character has to go home to attend a funeral and we're introduced to his family (the one in the title we learned he has to save) ... and the film becomes a dysfunctional family vehicle that about 99.9% of people can relate to.
His dad is the judge guy from Ghostbusters 2 who gets pissed and who's anger awakens the Scolari Brothers!
This movie flopped, probably because many people made the sane judgement before seeing it of "How the fuck and why is there a damned Stuart Smalley movie!?" ... but if you give this little film a chance you'd see it's not as horrible as it could have been, and in the end it's ...
... Good Enough, Smart Enough and Dog-gone-it People like it.
Raw Score: 55 Difficulty Modifier Bonus:25 Total Score: 80
6. A Night at the Roxbury
Year: 1998 Content they had to Work with: Two Italianized fellows enjoy going to dance clubs, making exaggerated movements with their necks, and hitting on chicks.
Look before I say that I don't like this movie let me just set up first.... When you're like 9-15 years old SNL is like the holy grail. Staying up until 11:30 at night for a 9-15 year old is like seeing the pacific ocean for the first time for a sea-faring adventurer. Having a friend sleep over and stay up, drinkin' sprites n' 7-ups, until SNL comes on was like the greatest moment in a kids life at that age.
After 15, you've been there and done that ... and by the time you're 18 ... only losers/dorks/turds/nerds are home on a Saturday night at 11:30 pm ... 18+ year olds are in their party years by that time.
My 9-15 SNL holy grail period was from the years 1991 to 1998 ... so those SNL years for me is when it meant something to me. I was a kid, drinking 7-ups n' stayin' up super late ... but by 1998 I didn't give 10 shits about SNL anymore.
It's not only an age-wise thing, but also because, the show sucked ass in 1998! The main bits were two cheerleaders (THAT THEY DID EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!) and Kattan would come on and look annoying. If I was home on a Saturday in 1998 and after ... I wouldn't even tune in. The Fox affiliate came out with two new shows to compete with SNL in the late 90s ... MadTv and the Fox affiliate in my region bought the Howard Stern E! Show to air opposite SNL.
I would watch either SNL or MADTV (whichever didn't suck as much as the other), until the Weekend Update ... then I'd watch the news with Norm MacDonald then after him the Stern E! Show would come on and I'd get to see that good show. So basically I just watched Weekend Update in that era if I was home.
I was not a fan of SNL in this era and it was mainly just an age thing ... I grew out of it. So these characters don't have the same fondness in my memories as say a Wayne, a Garth, or a Stuart Smalley have but I'm sure for people 5-10 years younger than me these characters are their Holy Grail characters.
Will Ferrel has come a long way since this bomb came out. Elf is one of the greatest Christmas movies ever made ... he should be very proud of his comedy record.
Chris Kattan? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
If you have nothing nice to say about someone's comedic prowess than maybe you should just say nothing at all ... and I will say nothing about Chris Kattan.
Raw Score: 10 Difficulty Modifier Bonus: 35 Total Score: 45
7. Superstar
Year: 1999 Content they had to Work with: A mentally retarded girl smells her fingers after putting them under her armpits (ad nauseam). I watched this because Harland Williams plays a Fonzie character and I wanted to see that ... and Kid in the Hall Bruce McCulloch directed it who is fucking funny .... but I didn't make it to the end of this movie. I mean, sure I wanted to see if there were a couple more Harland as Fonzie scenes, but, I couldn't handle it.
Taking a one-shot who smells her armpits and turning that into 2 hours of film ... ya, good look with that guys. I'm sure it wasn't a walk in the ol' park this one. I commend your efforts Mr. Bruce ... but this was not a winning battle to engage in. There were not many scenarios of possibility where this was going to be a great movie.
Raw Score: 7 Difficulty Modifier Bonus:50 Total Score: 57
8. Ladies Man
Year: 2000 Content they had to Work with:A man who claims to have an above-averaged sized "wang" hosts a cable access show where he helps callers with their relationship issues.
Ok, so .... Tim Meadows lives in a boat .... he bangs that Baywatch chick when she was still hot ... um, he wrestles Will Ferrell in a mansion ... and uhhh ... that's all my brain is picking up when trying to recall this film.
You know how if you work at the same company for like 50 years the company gives a nice watch? I think this movie was Tim Meadow's nice watch. Lorne Michaels came to him one day and was like,
"Mmmm-kay, Tim, yes, you've worked here at SNL now for 50 years and your devotion as token black guy on this program hasn't gone un-noticed ... so we shall now award you with a gift certificate for Olive Garden and a full length feature film, mmmmmmmm-kay?"
Meadows was on that show forever and there's only 2 bits I can remember him doing. He would dress up as Ike Turner and beat up Kevin Nealon ... and there was one where he was a piano lounge singer and he sang that fun song about that one Chinese kid who was no dope.
He paid his dues, he got his 2 hour feature vignette. I'm gonna add a special bonus point category for Tim.
Raw Score: 8.5 Difficulty Modifier Bonus: 30 Tim Meadow's Retirement Present - Commemorative Gold Watch: 20.5 Total Score: 59
SNL Feature Vignette Leader Board
1. Wayne's World! - 91 2. Blues Brothers - 89 3. Stuart Saves his Family - 80 4. It's Pat - 60 5. Ladies Man - 59 6. Superstar - 57 7. Night at the Roxbury - 45 8. Coneheads - 44
Bonus: Figurative Theoretical Ones
Gonna do some theoretical ones too, while we're here. Gonna include some MadTV one-offs too ... I mean this section is speculative of what might have been so it doesn't have to be iron-cast in human reality ... so including MadTv one-offs isn't illegal in this topic.
Here's some more possible 90s one-off films that would have sucked or even might have been good.
1. Ms. Swan
Content they had to Work with:An Asian woman walks around and describes people as "looking like a man".
I didn't understand this bit. At all. You do it once, "he-a luk-a like-a ... man." Okay, couple laughs, good job ... the throw away line worked okay, good for you ... but they proceeded to do this bit EVERY SHOW for YEARS! How can you do this? Even Ray-Jay fucking Johnson threw a couple curve-balls at David Steinberg now and then. Mrs. Swan comes out ... she says the line .... and that's it.
Sometimes I wish there was a Comedy Prison and Comedy Police to enforce Comedy Laws. Mrs. Swan should be in Comedy Prison ... a lot of MadTV people should be there. The tall guy that did the young character with ugly make-up on his face? That guy does not deserve to walk amongst the land of the living and do bits ... he belongs in comedy prison. Chris Kattan would have probably benefited from a few stints in the Comedy Big House as well.
The Mrs. Swan movie would have been a crime drama where she witnesses a crime and has to testify against the killer ... and the killer wants to kill her so she can't testify .... and a cop is ordered to protect Mrs. Swan from the killer .... and they get into hyjinx ... and every 5 fucking seconds she has to claim someone looks like a man. The end. 0/10.
2. Church Lady
Content they had to Work with:A homely and wry woman hosts a religious themed cable access show. This one would've worked. Dana when he's on can bring shit to life (except in that one where he wears like a turtle costume and shit).
I would've went full fantasy with this one and loaded it with CG. Like, Satan invades a small town and this one Yenta (the only lady in town who still believes in the god n' the jesus) is the only thing in Satan's way from world domination.
Satan's CG graphics are fire-oriented shit and Church Lady's CG gimmick is like Holy/Light (or "Pearl" oriented if you're Ted Woolsey) CG graphics ... and like at the end she battles Satan with the glorious power of prayer and it's very very epic. 7/10.
3. That's My White Mama
Content they had to Work with:a slightly over-weight white man hits an old black lady with his car yet in a miraculous twist the spirit of the dying black woman leaves her corporeal body and enters into the man who hit her with the car ... she then proceeds home and resumes raising her children.
Haha, this bit is fucking funny. It's like that great show "My Mother the Car" except it's like a black lady's ghost is in a white dudes body.
The bit is based on that incredible (and I personally can't believe actually existed) premise that Dick Van Dyke's brother's mother's spirit inhabited a car and moved in with him. My White Momma in turn starred Artie Lange as the "White Momma" ....
As a movie? It would have worked on sooo many levels. The two characters sharing the body would start fighting over it and race relations in America would have been explained, understood and solved by a white man and black woman learning to share the same body. I would have formulated the movie like this:
Just mix those all up and make like the best movie.
Watermelon Man is about this white guy who goes to bed and wakes up black and those elements would have served well in a movie like this. The Things with Two Heads is about this white man who puts his head on Rosey Grier's body (it's even STRANGER than it sounds).
I have pretty strange tastes when it comes to the arts ... I really must say. Especially when it comes to movies. I like "Bad" movies ... I looooooove Bad Movies, and I've even tried to rationalize as to why on two occasions here over the years:
Wow, 2011, I've been writing these silly articles in this thing for a long time now. I'm gonna throw that QPE Stupid Graph back up here and re-talk about it:
Basically, I think that It's a very U-shaped situation when it comes to Stupidity in movies. If you make a movie that has no Stupid at all (the Stupid on the graph above is the horizontal axis so no stupid is on the furthest left point labeled there as "1") ... then your movie is good. As it starts to increase in the stupidity it gets worse and drops in Goodness .... a really dumb movie that is no-good is labelled up there as "2".
Alright, but what happens if the movie is Really Stupid? What if the people making don't give a fuck and just go with it and enjoy it and embrace the Stupid? Then the Goodness starts to Re-Rise and hit "3"!
Then "4" and then "5"! The best movies, according to me anyway, are ones that are surreal in how stupid they are.
I don't even know why I'm like this. I just have bad taste in movies, that's all. I have bad taste in everything. I cannot explain it, I really can't. How does a human start thinking stupid movies are good? It just happens ... like one day you're laughing at how bad some shitty movie is and next thing you know all you ever want to watch is hilarious stupid shit. It just sorta happens, like one night you go to bed as a normal person ... and then the next morning you wake up and are just enamored with ridiculous nonsense. I can't explain why I'm this way ... it's not even my fault ... it just happened. You just open your eyes one day and just want your entertainment to be comprised of only silly shit. You start realizing things like "Rocket Man" starring Harland Williams is a MASTERPIECE and your favorite recording artist is HEINO!
I love "Bad" movies, I do.
Rest in Peace Bud Spencer
If you're a fan of "Bad" movies like I am and you've never had the experience of seeing a Bud Spencer film then you are really depriving yourself. His work, along side his tag-team partner Terence Hill are some of the .... um ..... the ...... I don't even know how to describe them.
Bud Spencer was born Carlo Pedersoli and as a youth was a talented swimmer in Italy. As he got older he retired from swimming and tried his hand at acting. He chose his screen name of "Bud Spencer" because he was a fan of Spencer Tracy ... and of Budweiser Beer. He wanted to be a Hollywood star ... but in Italy. It seemed like a strange way to go about things but thus was born an Icon. He and Terence Hill made American style movies like Westerns, Cop Movies, and Redneck Beat-em-Ups ... in Italy.
Why? Who knows.... I guess some fun people who grew up in Italy and loved Hollywood movies and Shaw Brothers Kung Fu movies looked at each other one day and said ... "Hey it'd be fun to make our own!" and so they did ... and they were something, these movies. They were something ... or other.
How to describe it. It's like ... you know when a movie is trying to depict a different culture but the actors aren't part of that culture and something just seems off? I'm sure like when Asians watch a Tom Cruise samurai movie ... they are thinking something is off, you know? In regards to Bud Spencer movies ... for an American to watch American culture but through the lens of Italy ... it's just a bit off for us. It seems odd and funny to us.
Here, maybe this video can help explain the phenomenon. This is an Italian man who doesn't speak English but is singing an "American" song.
....this is just an example of "America through the Lens of Italy":
Something seems off right? It's weird. Bud Spencer movies aren't as pronounced as this video of the man singing is ... but it's like that ... it's America through the lens of Italy ... and it's just slightly odd.
I've never really seen these films talked about much by other sources of Bad Movie Likers ... the way I found out about the Legendary Bud Spencer was when I found a DVD in a Wal Mart bargain bin over a decade ago called "The Sheriff and the Satellite Kid." It looked interesting, I must say, as I tossed aside other $2 crap movies like "WaterWorld" or the "The Postman" that you couldn't pay me to buy .... there it was ... "Satellite Kid" ....
...I had never heard of this. The art didn't look like anything I remember from the 80s. I had never heard of this name "Bud Spencer" .... so I turned the DVD case around and looked at the other names involved and NONE OF THEM sounded even the least bit Americany. You'd think people associated with a guy named Bud Spencer would be American, but no, the back of the DVD had names like:
What? I'm thinking ... what the hell is this thing? In the end it was what I described it as above, it's people in Italy who wanted to make an American movie and they had about 10 grand all together to make it .... and it's so weird.
I saw the dubbed version so I don't know how good the original version is .... but the dub is so funny. He's this Sheriff guy who befriends a child from outer space and they get into a buncha hyjinx and whatnot. They gave him a southern template for the audio dub in English but he doesn't really have a southern accent ... he just says southerny sounding words. I think they told the guy to dub the audio in the vein of Foghorn Leghorn. An example of the dialogue would be something like:
"Hey kid ... that's some mighty strange magic you got there, I say, what're those high falutin' gadgets?"
It's dubbed so bad you think you're watching a Shaw Brothers Kung Fu movie ... it's so "Bad" .... I love it. They are so good. I love all these movies they made. There's so many of them too. Spencer is 99% of the time teamed up with Terence Hill in them ... sometimes they are Cops, sometimes Pirates, sometimes Western gun slingers. One thing that's always certain though ... is Spencer n' Hill are gonna find there way into some loveable trouble.
The only reference by anyone in media I've ever seen to these wonderful Italian films, in any form, was on an episode of Eastbound and Down where they briefly watch a clip from the film Super Fuzz (which is a Terence Hill stand alone vehicle ... Bud Spencer does not appear in it) ... a scene where Terence Hill breaks out of an electric chair and then nose dives like a missile into a nearby lake.
Super Fuzz makes NO SENSE. Terence Hill is a cop who's a loose cannon and constantly getting in trouble with the police chief (Ernest Borgnine!) ... but things really get hairy when he is dispatched to a marsh to fight alligators .... when luck would have it ... a NUCLEAR BOMB is dropped on him and the alligator .... which gives Terence Hill super powers.
I can't believe Super Fuzz is only rated 6 on IMDB ... it's a genuine 8 or even a 9. It even has the added bonus of having its theme song written by someone who only knew a handful of words in English so you get great lyrics like ... "He is a Super, really Super Super, because he's Super Super!" What a great friggin' movie.
He's a Super Super ... really Super Doopah!!!! But he looks you and meee!
Oh my gosh. They don't make movies this "good" anymore. Super Fuzz is a damned Masterpiece. It honestly really is.
Conclusion
Rest in Peace, Bud Spencer, you were truly a Screen Icon ... and if anyone reading is a fan of "Bad" movies ... I can almost guarantee you will Love Bud Spencer and Terence Hill movies ... they are truly unique. Truly unique cinematic creations ....I must say.
The world is a world of specification and specialization. Some argue we've entered a world of Over-Specialization where people over-focus on one field/subject/skill/trade and never look into others ... which in turn leaves the individual narrow-minded and beholden to an echo-chamber of their own hyper specialization.
You're good at something ... and that's ALL you are good at.
You are smart at some field ... and that's ALL you are smart at. You are talented at some skill ... and that's ALL you are talented at.
These hyper-specified skills then become your own personal identity, as you start to refer to yourself by your specification.... you're a basketball player, or a machinist, or a politician .... and that then becomes YOU, that is who you are. You are your specialization.
You are nothing more than an echo-chamber of the specification you have chosen to be. You are nothing short of a narrow-minded walking Human-Prison.
...and when you die? What will they say? They will say, Rest in Peace Basketball Player, Rest in Peace Machinist, and Rest in Peace Politician. That's what they will say.
Is there a way to break free from hyper-specification and narrow-lifedness of one's own Human Life? I think so.
There must be an example of a human being who lived a life that crossed into so many echo-chambers, so many areas, so many continents, so many fields, and participated in so many skills. If this example exists, if there has been a historic example of an Omni-Talent .... would there then be hope that humanity will break out of the constrained world of Hyper-Specialization? Yes.
It would take a unique human to be able to engage themselves in so many facets of Life that they could approach the title of Omni-Talent. You'd have to engage in such a variety of the facets of Life such as....
Fisticuffs
Training the body day and night to become a well oiled pugilist capable of standing toe-to-toe and mano-y-mano with anyone from the biggest brute to the stealthiest fist assassin.
Being able to win championships, Olympic honors, and many an accolade as you float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. Jiving, dodging, and re-jiving at the blink of an eye and jabbing at the speed of light.
Political Activism
One would have to also have talent in the Political realm by standing up for what they believe is right ... even if that involved throwing an Olympic Medal into the Ohio River .... even if involved losing your titles and being imprisoned.
To make a mark in this field is very difficult because it can quickly change you from Champion into Villain in the blink of an eye. Unlike a boxing ring where the best pugilist wins, the realm of Politics is one where the answers are not as easily found and sometimes when you get the right answer ... someone just changes the question. To succeed and make a lasting historical mark in this field is incredibly difficult.
Religion
Tackling the world of Religion is unusually difficult for it's rife with nonsense and obstructions galore. For someone to leave a mark on the world of Religion would take a great deal of thinking. To take in all the many different texts of all the World Religions and forming an interesting opinion that would leave a mark on the world for the Future Generations would take a great mind indeed.
The world of Religion is so strange and ripe with nonsense that to have an interesting take on it is greatly difficult. An Omni-Talent would have to be able to tackle the "touchy thang" of Religion too.
Art
The Arts take many a form and it is actually the easiest field in many a sense to become talented at because the benchmarks are left quite wide open. You can paint, draw, make movies, make music, make macaroni landscapes on construction paper ... it's a vast world. To be good at art ... you just gotta find something you like and get out there and jam. If you're good at talking then maybe your art can even be talking.
Maybe your mark on the Art World could be just talking in rhymes to musical accompaniment. What should you talk about... Well, If you're talented at talking about how bad-ass a person you are ... then maybe that can be your Art.
Judging by the music world today, millions of people have made music based on themselves rhyming about how bad-ass they are ... it's called Rap Music. Now a days it's accompanied by electronic beats instead of Liberace ... but it's still in the same vein.
Did Ali invent Rap? It's debate-able but it's possible to argue that he very well might of.
Conclusion
Is there a way to break free from the hyper-specification and narrow-lifedness of one's own Human Life? Yes, it is possible.
"My trots dictated that something like that might happen." -Jeffrey the Hack Man Leonard
Oh man, everyone is talking 'bout trots these days. Left and right. Trots this and Trots that. Oh my goodness.
What are "trots"? That's just when a homerun is hit and the player proceeds to make a big deal about enjoying that homerun. He gets to go around all the bases, and then touch home plate ... and he has all the time in the world to do so. Some guys savor it up and take their time trotting around the bases (as such).
Everybody in the news talking about trots now. Goose Gossage, Mike Schmidt, et al..... My goodness. The old school guard is up in literal arms over this Trots situation.
Trots have always been of a National Importance and of a News Inducing caliber ... yet in the wake of Jose Bautista's "bat flip" in the last ALCS and some other incidents (including the press surrounding Korean players who love bat flippin' and trottin' down in their league).
Look, Trots are serious, okay man? As the Hackman has stated.... Trots can dictate that things might happen. If you're not familiar with the 1987 NLCS series, Mr. Leonard caught himself on human fire, went on an offensive tear, and topped it off by celebrating a homerun with something called the "One Flap Down Trot" .... as seen in this highlight reel:
"The Flap Down meant that pitch .... was Nothing."
If he had that flap down as he circled the bases after a homerun .... it meant the pitch that was thrown to him just then was literally Nothing. Like his number Double-Zero on his back ... Nothing At All.
Trots are nothing new ... but if you read the news stories these days you'd think Jose Bautista and some Korean guy invented homerun celebrations/taunts.
Two news stories are of interest as of late in regards to this article:
Two old-schoolers/microphone-rulers are sounding off about the young players these days and their effronterous behavior when it comes to Trots.
Nerds are Ruining Baseball
In a flagrantly f-word fueled rant the other week, Hall of Famer Goose Gossage took the utmost of umbrage to two aspects of the current situation of baseball in this most current of eras.
In the Hall of Famer pitcher's wild tirade he stated that "Nerds" are ruining baseball by trying to turn the great game into some sort of robotic statistical simulation. He cursed these terrible nerds for attempting to ruin baseball with their sweaty and stinky analytics and calculators.
Whether or not stinky/smelly Idiotic Nerds are ruining Baseball is not the current topic of this article so let's not go into that any further. That argument possibly has some important merit to it but we're talking 'bout trots now, ok?
Goose Gossage, the relief pitching legend, claimed in the salty-tirade that Jose Bautista's homerun celebration in the ALDS was a disgraceful act. Bautista's "bat-flip" and long look at his homerun against the Texas Rangers was interpreted by Mr. Gossage as being of the utmostly outrageous in terms of personal demeanor.
He went on to claim that "all those guys in Toronto" are like that... they're all a bunch of idiotic nerds!
Is he right? Is he wrong? I don't know, maybe he is. Alls I know is .... Goose Gossage talking mad smack about Toronto...
....made me very envious of Toronto.
I'm Canadian but grew up and live in Montreal, and we lost our team more than a decade ago. For Toronto and the Blue Jays to have this much heat over some trots... it just makes me wish we had a team again in Montreal even badder. It makes me deep in my heart wish we had a team here again WAY more badder. It doesn't bother me that Goose Gossage is angry at Toronto and the Blue Jays .... because deep down I wish Goose Gossage was angry at the Expos. I wish we still had some of that.....
We want trot heat. We miss trot heat. Why can't Montreal have any of that good flagrant trot heat? We want trot heat too, you know....
Mike Schmidt versus Ellis Valentine
A week or so after Goose Gossage's angry swear-filled assault on Toronto and on Nerds, the great Home Run King and Legend, Mr. Mike Schmidt penned an article for the Associated Press in which he echoes Goose's statements about the antics of the New Generation.
Vintage Trot Heat. Legend versus Legend.
So here I am, in the baseball-less wasteland of Montreal wishing we still had Major League Baseball over here ... and I'm jealous as filthy sin that the stupid Blue Jays of Toronto have Trot Heat out of the wazoo ... just wishing that even a simple slither or a small smidgen of Trot Heat could still somehow find its way to my beautiful home-city and Baseball-Less town of Montreal....
When Lo and Behold, One Michael Jack Shmidt pens an op-ed for the Associated Press which not only claims that Toronto Blue Jays star Jose Bautista's trot was a disgrace but he goes on to state that an event which occurred in Canada over THIRTY YEARS AGO was also a huge disgrace.
Mike Schmidt states in the piece,
"The Expos had a player named Ellis Valentine in the '80s. Great talent, power, speed, maybe the best throwing arm I've ever seen. We were acquaintances from competing over the years, so I considered him someone with whom I could speak. One day early in his career, at Olympic Stadium, he hit a home run and proceeded to trot around the bases as slowly as humanly possible. The trot included a little Reggie Jackson touch, he held nothing back.
Later in the game, he was on third base and I couldn't resist saying, 'I guess you're not planning on hitting many home runs, trots like that are for guys who don't.'"
-Mike Schmidt
The Expos? Olympic Stadium? Wait.... Mike Schmidt is calling out Trots from more than thirty years ago!?
Thank you so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I KNEW SOME TROT HEAT COULD STILL FIND ITS WAY HERE! I just knew it! I never gave up hope! I knew deep down we'd still have Trot Heat! I never gave up hope.
Thankfullness and gratitude aside .... Mr. Schmidt proceeds as an aside in the article to state that maybe once he himself did engage in this by doing the "running man" dance of "running in place" after a homerun but he claims he never engaged in any overly effefronterous trots.
Yet, one must ask ... was that "running man" trot as benign as Mike Schmidt claims it to be? The proof must be in the pudding, as they say.
Mr. Ellis Valentine himself took the Twitter-Sphere yesterday to make a counter-claim that not only does he not recall Mike Schmidt telling him that at Olympic Stadium on the day in question but also Mr. Valentine located an animated gif of....
.....Mike Schmidt's Running Man Trot!
Along with the hashtag of "hypocrite" Mr. Valentine provides a link to an animated GIF of One Mike Schmidt engaging in said "running man Trot" which Schmidt brushed off as quite reserved in his Associated Press article on Trots. Now let's view the GIF in question....
Oh my gooooodness. What do we have here? A simple reserved "running man trot" as described in Schmidt's essay or something much more audacious?
In slow motion we can plainly see the following:
1. A gigantic two handed clap 2. A vigorous fist pump 3. A shorter fist pump 4. A series of motions which, as described in the article, would be regarded as "running in place"
The question now at the heart of the matter is the following... ....was Philadelphia Phillies Third Baseman and Baseball Icon Mike Schmidt's trot of an overtly gregarious and brazen nature? In the slowed down GIF provided by Mr. Ellis Valentine .... the conclusive answer is and only can be ....
....Yes, it was. It was a brazen and gregarious act. Those actions told the pitcher who threw that ball to him that the pitch meant Nothing to him. Nothing at All.
Conclusion
Are Nerds ruining baseball? Maybe, we'll have to look into that another time though.
Did Jose Bautista's bat-flip offend many many people and bring scorn and disflavor to the city of Toronto? YES!
Am I Envious of Toronto's Trot Heat? Yes, I am.
Did Mike Schmidt's article warm my heart, when in a time where I wished Montreal had Trot Heat like Toronto does, he brought said Trot Heat to Montreal like a Timely Rain? Yes.
Yet is Mike Schmidt justified in Condemning the Actions of Mr. Ellis Valentine when he himself engaged in Trots as shown via twitter by Ellis Valentine? NO, Mike Schmidt is NOT justified.
Did Jeffrey "Hackman" / "Penitentiary-Face" Leonard dictate the doings of which transpired during the 1987 NLCS due to his trots? YES. Yes, he did. His trots indeed dictated the events which transpired.
I'm not a citizen of the USA, so I don't want to attempt to write satirical stuff about them too much. I don't vote in this election so why should I make fun of it? It doesn't have to do with me.
My personal rule with making fun of countries is to stick to making fun of your own if you can.
There's things that have resonated with me over the years that have lead me to stick to making fun of my own country instead of hating on other people's countries. Some of the moments that resonated with me are the following:
Some Things that Resonated with Me
1. Jello Biafra told a story once where he went to Ireland to do a Spoken Word tour ... and he prepared a nice thing about Ireland's crazy religion feud between two factions of Christianity ... and he thought it was gonna kill with the audience ... but it didn't. They booed him and yelled "WE WANNA HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT BILL O'REILLY AND GLENN BECK!!!"
Ireland just wanted to hear him talk shit about America and make fun of America ... they were angry when he wrote and preformed a bit that lambasted their conservative religion feud.Ireland just wanted to hate on America and feel superior. They didn't want to examine their own problems.
2. Noam Chomsky used to come on Canadian Radio programs sometimes when I was like a young teenager. He'd come on and talk shit about America and how fucked up it was and the Canadian Radio hosts would just adore that to the max.
Then one day he threw them a fucking change up that floored them. He came into the studio and told the Canadian radio talk host something along the lines of ... "Hey, I just flew in and landed at that War Criminal Airport and boy are my arms tired!"
...and yo, the Canadian host thought about the joke briefly and replied with something along the lines like ... "You mean Lester Bee PEARSON AIRPORT!? ARE ARE YOU CALLING LESTER BEE PEARSON A WAR CRIMINAL!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOOOU!?"
Noam could talk shit about America and the Canadian hosts would adore it ... but one joke about Canada not being the saintly state it thinks it is ... and BAM .... they never had Noam Chomsky back on.
That struck me big time. The Canadians just wanted to hate on the Americans by having Chomsky on.... but they would not tolerate him saying anything negative about Canada. I found that so dumb by the Canadian Radio hosts.
3. Sticking with Canada (cuz it's my country I get to make fun of it), this jabroni Rick Mercer used to do a bit called "Talking to Americans" for the CBC, which was a formulaic bit inspired by Steve Allen. The modern version of the bit was created by the Howard Stern Show under the monicker "Homeless Game" and Jay Leno later did a version called "Jay Walking."
In this bit you talk to random people in the street and then edit out anything intelligent said by anyone and present a montage of the dumbest shit people said to the interviewer so the audience can thus laugh at how un-knowledgeable people can be about some topics.
Basically, Rick Mercer would fly down to the USA to interview common Americans, ask them questions about Canada and then they'd edit together the "dumbest answers." The dumbest answers would be people who didn't know who the Prime Minister of Canada was or some lame-ass shit like that.
The Canadian audiences at home would laugh at how "stupid" Americans are. But... Canada is pretty inconsequential to American life in the whole scheme of things. If someone did this bit in Canada and chose some not-well-known country to Canada ... like say Nigeria .... and went into the streets of Toronto ... and asked people who the leader of Nigeria was ... I bet you almost over 99% of them would not know who Muhammadu Buhari is. Why? Because he doesn't have a big impact on their day-to-day lives ... just like a question to Americans like "Is Canada on the Metric system or another system" ... they might not know the answer to it because it doesn't really effect them in any way to know or care about what measurement system Canada uses or who the leader of some province is.
4. Two things that pissed me off about Canada's asinine feelings of superiority to Americans is how they demand for apologies at the slightest shit but would in the same circumstances would never apologize for anything themselves.
Deal with it - Canada.
Like last year Harold Reynolds said a small very tame joke about a fan at a Jays game that bobbled a foul ball ... he said something like .... "he's been playing too much hockey, haha." It was a very tame and not offensive at all joke ... but. ... he was trending on Twitter for a full week after and countless negative press articles were written about him. Eventually he publicly apologized to all of Canada.
Another time I remember, Robert Smigel did his Triumph shtick in Quebec City for the Conan O'Brien show .... and the whole province of Quebec considered that puppet's jokes as the worst thing that ever happened on earth. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was discussed at length at Quebec Parliament for a good week ... eventually ... Conan apologized to all of Quebec for Robert Smigel's jokes.
The Don Rickles of Puppets.
I was pissed at that because, during that year that Conan apologized was a year where Canadiens fans would routinely BOO the American national anthem at hockey games ... to the point where it was embarrassing and over the top ... yet you didn't see Quebec apologizing to America for its people routinely boo-ing the American National Anthem at hockey games ... but the Quebec Government demanded an apology from Conan O'Brien.
Yo, if I was Gold Glover and All Star Harold Reynolds ... I would have told Canada to suck my dick! I'm not joking. Not even joking. If it was me in Harold Reynold's shoes ... I would have told Canada to suck a whole EGG!
And Yo-Yo-Yo, if I was Conan O'Brien I wouldn't have apologized to Quebec on behalf of Robert Smigel ... I would have told Quebec to lick my stinky ASS! Yeah right. It's a damned dog puppet for fuck's sake.
5. The "CRTC" in Canada made a law many decades ago that things that are aired on National airwaves must contain a certain amount of "Canadian Content." In the old days no one knew what the fuck "Canadian Content" was so they met their quota in very tongue-in-cheek manners. The characters the McKenzie Brothers (Bob and Doug) were born on SCTV to meet their Canadian Content Quota for the CBC. They basically put two retards in tuques at the end of the show to talk about bacon and snow-mo-biles for about 45 seconds in order to meet their Canadian Content Quota and be allowed to air on CBC in Canada. Yes, that's how those characters were born.
Now a days ... still no one knows what "Canadian Content" is defined as but shows have methods of meeting it still. Now a days they meet the quota by making the hero characters Canadians and the villain characters American. So, you'll watch like the shitty Canadian rip-off of Law and Order and the lawyer is a sexy Canadian who manages to bust an American drug/prostitution smuggling ring. That's all you need to meet the imposed content quota ... you just have to make all the bad guys Americans and have heroic Canadians stop these evil doers from doing whatever it is they are doing in Canada.
Quebec does this too I notice. Except, in their case, they make all the bad guys Canadians and the good guys are French people. I watched this movie once from the seventies where this french guy wanted to own a diner but this Canadian english-speaking man kept poisoning the french man's mash potatoes to keep him from owning that diner. It was fucking funny to me ... but the target audience takes that seriously and really loves that shit.
You won't see Canada apologizing for the Evil American stereotype they run on its air waves. Canadians are not actually very nice. They just pretend to be.
Anyways....
That Jello Biafra in Ireland thing and all those silly Canadian examples is why I try to stick to making fun of my own home/where-I-live instead of other foreign/exotic places. I don't want to just hate on America and then sit back and pretend my country is some paradise. You don't get any heat when you hate on far off places either. If you hate on your own place you can get heat over that. So it's also cowardly to just make fun of far off lands instead of your own.
But I gotta bust off some 'pinions on this American Election, g. Because. Holy Shit. It's like the most fucked-up election in history. I'm obsessed with it. I read every article and every stat and every projection on it every single day. I'm sorry. I know I should stick to making fun of shit in my own country/province (I live in Montreal by the way) but ... I can't man.... I HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF THE AMERICAN ELECTION! It's just so crazy this time around. It's genuinely in-fucking-sane, dude. It's fucking nuts this time around. I'm gonna rate many (not all) of the candidates, so without any further ado ... here is the ...
Jabronies who dropped out won't be covered. That sweaty Jabroni Jeb spent like almost 200 million bucks on his campaign and is already Dead on Arrival. That's all-star inefficiency, man. His backers should sue his fucking ass off! Jeb Bush is the least cost-efficient campaigner for The President of all fucking time. Wow. I'm gonna do the Repos first then the Demos. O-K?
1. Doctor Ben Carson (R)
Age: 64 human years Sex: Male Background: Brain Surgeon Race: Black Money People Invested in Him: 68 Million
You'd think this guy would be getting more votes. He's a brain surgeon turned Politician. You'd think he could have picked up some of Obama's supporters and made a run out of this ... but no.
My Opinion: Ben Carson loses points with me because he's kind of a Doctor Oz type guy ... he was a legit medical man who ditched his profession to hawk nonsense. He's become the spokesperson for some odd alternative cancer treatments and all-around quack-nonsense. I don't think it's professional when medical professionals start doing all these snake oil shticks. Now he's done with promoting alternative silly cancer treatments and has become a full time Liar-for-Hire mercenary for the Republican Party. His nonsense doesn't stop at medical related fields though. He's stated some weird ass shit over the campaign. I think he fell into the trap of trying to compete head-to-head with Trump by attempting to "out stupid" Trump (which is not fucking possible). Carson tried to counter Trump's silliness by saying silly shit of his own and I don't think it worked for him. His statement that the Egypt pyramids may have had grain in them is made fun of a lot, but I don't even think that statement was that silly. I remember in Civilizations II for DOS .... if you built the pyramids you got a granary in all your existing towns.
"Counts as a Granary in Each City" - Civ II
If the video game Civ II thinks the pyramids had grain in them then he's got at least a video game that agrees with him on that.
He's funny in the debates though. He didn't talk much in one of them and then tapped the mic and finally said something......"Can Someone please Attack me Please?"
He just wants to be attacked too. Why are they leaving him out of the reindeer games? I feel ya, Ben. I feel ya. If they let me be in the debates I'd throw some fatty attacks your way. Charisma: 52 Comedic Tact: 82 Professionalism: 46 Trash Talk: 77
Aggregate Presidential Rating: 64 (D+) Odds of Becoming President: Zero.
2. Rafael Eddie "Ted" Cruz (R)
Age: 45 robot years Sex: Synth Background: Calgary, Alberta Race: Synth Money People Invested in Him: 104 Million
Like Jeb, Ted Cruz is a highly inefficient campaigner in terms of the funds invested into his ass. Over 104 million for very little votes. He'll win in Texas but nowhere else. He's toast.
My Opinion: He's legally Canadian ... so ... I can make fun of him FULL FORCE and not hold back. Here goes...
Ted Cruz Sucks Shit!
First off, that character he does on stage? That's not himself. He's doing an act! Why would a dopey Spanish guy from Calgary talk like that? With that preacher's drawl for? Because he's doing an impression! He's doing George Bush 1. Here's two other impressionists doing versions of Bush 1:
Billy West:
Here we see Billy West (who I like but didn't agree with him taking credit for John K's Ren character on an episode of Conan one time)... pretending to be George Bush 1 golfing with the Greatest Band Ever ... The Ramones. Note the audio latency in his voice. Okay, now here's Dana Carvey slicing off a Bush 1, check this out: Dana Carvey:
Dana's doing Bush 1 to a bunch of Spring Breakers. Close your eyes, just do it. Close your eyes and listen. Who's talking? It's Ted Cruz! Ted Cruz is doing an impression of Bush 1 and its worked for him ... but I can assure you ... A spanish guy from Calgary wouldn't fucking talk like Bush One! It wouldn't happen. He's doing a heavy preacher character with complete drawl and trying to emulate the audio speech latency of George Bush One. He's actually a pretty talented comic Ted Cruz ... but ... do you really want your President to be a talented mimic? A talented Canadian Mimic?
Aggregate Presidential Rating: 52 (F) Odds of Becoming President: Zero.
4. Marco "Alex P. Keaton" Rubio (R)
Age: 24 human years Sex: Male Background: Family Ties Race: White Money People Invested in Him: 85 million bucks The "Safe" candidate on the R-side, trouble is he's polling like shit and is just about toast. Oh well. My Opinion: He's the safety man and he should have taken more states but ... damn ... Trump is steam rolling this kid, man. Fuck.
Don't do Speed anymore, Marco!
I like him though. Yo, I remember an episode with him where he has to stay up late to study for exams but he's so sleepy that he tried the drug known in the 80s as "Speed." At first it helps him to stay up and study for his exams but then the hard drugs eventually catch up to him and he starts wigging out like hard ... ...damn. He can't control his shit and then Mallory and Allan Thicke find out what he's been doing and they are pissed at Rubio so bad. I learned a valuable lesson that day. I vowed never to try drugs after that episode of Family Ties. So I have to thank Marco Rubio for installing that life-lesson into my young fragile mind....
Charisma: 29 Comedic Tact: 67 Professionalism: 88 Trash Talk: 72 (he talked some fresh shit last debate. He said Donald pissed his pants!)
Aggregate Presidential Rating: 64 (D+) Odds of Becoming President: Under 10% about
5. Donald Trump (R)
Sex: Male Age: 69 Dude! Background: BiZness (with a Capital Z) Race: The Orange Spary-Tan George Hamilton-nites Money People Invested in Him: 27 million bucks What can be said? This is the reason this election is so insane. He's literally insane. It's like some mad scientist made some potion that let Wally George rise from the dead in some cockamamie scheme to make a Zombie Wally George the President of the America. What in the actual fuck is going on!? Yo. I don't know what to say. I don't. I really don't. I keep expecting the Kayfabe to end and Jake Roberts to walk out behind the curtain and DDT Trump to a standing ovation! I mean this is theater. It's fucking Stupid Performance Art is what it is.
I watch Trump in the debates and forget it's not theatrics. I keep half-expecting that Stone Cold is gonna burst out, chug beer, and preform a flashy clutch-hold on him.
I keep thinking that this is gonna happen.... but it doesn't!
You know, when it started, at first, I thought it would be super funny for a man who spray-tanned himself into George Hamilton to be the Leader of the Fucking Free World ... but it might just be because I don't actually live in the USA.
I was watching that great great show South Park the other month or so, and they hit me where it hurts. They did a show where a Canadian Trump becomes Prime Minister of Canada and it made me fucking think....
...I was like, Yo.... that would fucking SUCK and be SUPER EMBARRASSING if he was my leader. South Park fucking took me to school with that episode, it sure fucking did.
Now, in recent weeks ... to make matters more clear to me as to how embarrassing this situation can be .... The Canadian Watered Down Intellectual Property Infringing Canadian-version of Donald Trump says he will run for Prime Minister of Canada next 'lection. Americans know this CWDIPICvoDT from that show "Shark Tank" which airs in USA ... he's the bald guy known as Mr. Wonderful (not to be confused with Paul Orndorff). Yes, Baldy O'Leary wants to be Prime Minister.
I understand what South Park is trying to say ... because it is gonna happen to us up here in Canada now with Baldy O'Leary, and.... it's actually not funny at all. It isn't. It's actually fucking embarrassing... and I shouldn't laugh at Trump anymore because South Park is 100% correct ... it's not funny anymore. It's dumb.
This shit is cockamamie. Downright cockamamie! The only word left to use to describe what is going on is COCKAMAMIE!
...Donald Trump is a National Embarrassment to United States of America.
Aggregate Presidential Rating: 65 (D+) Odds of Becoming President: About 25%
Now the Demos.....
1. Hillary Roadhouse Clinton
Age: 68 Sex: Female Background: First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, Member of the Obama Admin. Race: White Money People Invested in Her: 188 Million (She got the Fuck Money, baby. Green n' Black!) Hillary is the "safe" candidate for the Democrats and she has the entire Democratic party and every D-Senator supporting her. She's who they want to battle the Resurrected Zombified Wally George. She has the entire Democratic party on her side.
My Opinion: I don't watch the Dem debates because they are as boring as watching caca dry ... so I don't know much about her comedic tact or trash talk ability. Being a career capitol hill player, she's gonna win the Professionalism category though. She's got experience at this political shit, she do.
I don't think it would be so bad to have a woman as President of It All. I think people worry because some of the precedents in the english-speaking world of Female Presidents have been bad examples.
Canada had a female president for like about a few weeks one time as an interim President after Brian Mulroney slipped on a banana peel and had to retire. She was a bland jabroni.
Britain though, they had a A HUGE JABRONI lady as President. They had that Margaret Thatcher witch ... who was basically the human equivalent of fucking DRACULA! That Dracula lady from Britain made it so a woman wasn't president of a country for a long time because everyone thought she was an evil blood sucking demon from the under-world.
Hillary is not Dracula. She's not very similar to Margaret Thatcher at all. She's a smart lady. She's got the jack. She would be a decent President. She's the safest and least insane route at this current juncture by all stretches of reason.
Charisma: 84 (she carry herself, she dignified when she carry herself, no doubt) Comedic Tact: 43 Professionalism: 99 Trash Talk: 57
Aggregate Presidential Rating: 71 (C) Odds of Becoming President: About 60%
2. Feel Da Bern Sanders!
Age: 74 Sex: Male Background: Vermont Race: Vermont Money People Invested in Him: 97 million It's the College Campus Pick to Click now that Rondolf Paul doesn't run his kook-fests anymore and his jabroni son Randolf Paul refused to say things as kooky as his dad did and has gone off to obscurity. The Berninator is Berninating the countryside in the coveted Northern All-White No-Minority Liberal-Art-Degree-Having States and posing a major-enough threat to the safety of Hillary's campaign for Democratic Nominee. He's already seized New Hampshire and installed his revolutionary fortifications there. Will he be able to over-come insurmountable odds and become President of the United States of America.....?
My Opinion: Look, let me pre-face, okay?
America has a joke that Canada is the 51st State of the United States. It's a decent joke. I guess. On our end we have a similar joke that Vermont is the Whatever-ist Canadian Province (tenth I think, I think we have nine now). Vermont is basically a small Ontario town. Everyone's boring, everyone's pretty white, and the lameness is like off-the-charts!
Vermont is a slightly larger version of Scarborough Ontario ... in a cultural sense.
Thus, since Canada has a cultural claim to Vermont and Vermont is culturally technically a Canadian Province ... then once again ... just like in the case of Ted Cruz ... I have a loop-hole in which I can go FULLAkuma Cho-Jin Number OneFORCE in my making fun of Bernard Sanders...
...because in a technical sense he's Canadian. Sorta.
He's more popular in Canada than he is in America. You can't go out or go online without meeting a Sanders Fan in Canada. Canada fucking loves this old bald guy.
Bernie's odds to win the Democratic Nominee were never very good. In fact they were quite terrible since the start. He's never been forecasted by anyone with political statistic street-cred to do well in this shit.
He's always been a self-fashioned "outsider" who revels in hating the Democratic Party. He never agrees with them, he doesn't work well with the other Democrat kids on capitol hill, he's basically an old grumpy man. He's spent his life hating on the Democratic Party ... and now all of a sudden he snaps his fingers and wants to be the leader of the party he fucking hates.
It's like if Fred Flintstone walked into a meeting of the Water Buffaloes ... just started talking shit to them and telling them he hates the Water Buffaloes and they are losers and crooks and that he's 100 times smarter than all of them.... telling them they should all be in jail and hung from their toes ...
...and then Fred Flintstone turns around and says to them all "Okay, I wanna be Grand Poobah of the Water Buffaloes" right after doing that... you think he's gonna be elected Poobah? No of course not. He's losing the Super Delegates almost in a clean sweep because no one in the Democratic Party wants him to be their Poobah. At all. I like this man, I really do.... but there's one thing about him that is very strange. He makes a big deal that he has raised 100 million dollars for this campaign.... which is a fucking lot of fucking money ... but, it is strange because he BRAGS that it's "poor" "working class" "families" that invested 100 million dollars in his campaign. The thing that's odd about this is ...
A) He never really ever had any concrete chance of being the Democratic Nominee ... so why waste 100 million dollars of working class families money for to try and be the Democratic Nominee? B) His main platform is to tell everyone how corrupt the system is ... and what's his solution? To siphon more tax money from citizens into the system. How is that a sane solution? Why go on about how corrupt the system is if your solution is to raise the taxes of everyone in order to pump more of their money into what you're constantly calling a corrupt government system?
If your main goal is to raise everyone's taxes and collect more funds into the government ... then why make your main campaign talking point - how corrupt the government is!? Where did he go to campaign school? On the moon? He's saying basically ... "The system is corrupt so let's take more money from people and put it into this corrupt system." It's a very poorly presented campaign. It might be the worst ran campaign in American History.
(actually no, Jeb's 2016 is by far the worst ran campaign in American Elections History).
There's charities out there, you know. People who gave money to Sanders should have given that "27 Dolluuuurs" to a homeless guy in the street or a respected charity. That 100 million dollars he raised is basically flushed down the toilet in one of the worst ran campaigns in American History. If you wanted to use 100 million dollars to help the poor people in America maybe you people should have gave that 100 million dollars to the poor people of America and not a very old Bald Man to run a highly lackluster political campaign. What did his campaign get with the 100 million dollars people invested into it? A dinner with Al Sharpton? A couple television commercials? It wasn't a very impactful campaign that he ran. His cost-effiency for dollars-to-delegate ratio is fucking bad ... and it's not rich people's money wasted in this case. It was down to earth hard working people's money that was wasted to run a "Mr Smith Goes to Washington" campaign when everyone else was running a carnival side-show. I guess I'm just a bad person or something and a bad Canadian ... because I'm not "feeling the Bern" at all.
Aggregate Presidential Rating: 35 (F-) Odds of Becoming President: About 0.0001%
Conclusion
Trump (Cdn)
If I wrote this without seeing that episode of South Park where a Canadian-Version of Trump becomes the Leader of Canada ... I probably would have ended it something like ...
"Woah, it would be funny if Donald actually wins. Heee heeeee....."
But, they made too many good points on that show and now I'm gonna end this way-too-long article like this ...
...Donald Trump should not be the leader of The United States of America. I think many residents of that beautiful and wonderful country would be embarrassed by a man, who's making a mockery of them, becoming their representative in Global Affairs.
I think Trump as President would be a Disaster. ...and....
You know what WALLY? You know what!?
Stay in yer seat, Wally. Stay in yer seat, Wally.... STAY IN YOUR SEAT WALLY!
Because You're a Disgrace to the Conservative Cause, Wally.
End Note (March 04 / 2016):After binge-watching a shit-ton of old Wally George Hot Seat over the last month or so ... I really should go and amend an article entitled "General Retrospective: Who Will be Remembered as The King of Trash TV?" ... I should give a lot more credit to Wally George instead of just a slight mention. That show is soooo fucking funny and the set-decor is outstanding. From the Nixon shrine to the photo of John Wayne ... but the most beautiful piece of set-decor I've ever seen on a talk show is this wall hanging:
It's in almost every shot because it's right behind Wally's desk and it's so perfect. It's so simple yet so true. If this is up for auction somewhere as an artifact/relic I hope it sells for a million bucks. I do.
Alright, so ... this year is of course the last chance at getting the Rock into the Hall of Fame. I think this year I'm gonna go on a "...But, Don't Take My Word For it - Listen to These Testimonials!" info-mercial sort of gimmick. I mean why should people take my word for it? I'm not anything wicked-great or nothing.
Larry King has been vocal in the twitter sphere that he simply cannot believe the Rock is not in the Hall of Fame yet. He simply and literally cannot believe it.
