Best Tag Team Finishers

It's Sunday, I should write something down. My humanly Writing Tools are getting pretty rusty ... like if I don't do it for like a month or two I will like forget how to do this stuff. If I don't do it for like a month and then try, I'll be sittin' there in front of the blank white page and be all like "What the Hell, Man?"

It's actually quite hard to ravenously throw down black characters onto a blank white slate. I hear Pro Writers say sometimes that they get "writers block" like a constipation but for writing ...  I can see how that's possible.

Similar to anything else in life you gotta keep at it to get better and you gotta keep doing it to stay sharp ... so ... to wash the rust off my Writing Skills .... here is my presentation to All Parties of Whom are Interested to Know this:

THE GREATEST TAG TEAM FINISHING SUPER MOVES FROM ANY MEDIUM OF ALL TIME.


The only rules for this tournament is that there are no rules. It can be a Tag Team Finisher from any medium of entertainment. Actually, there will be one rule and that's that there will be a limit of One move per source. So, for example Chrono Trigger was loaded with wicked wicked tag team moves but it'd be dumb to just list like 10 cool moves from that video game. Y'Know?

I am now gonna start slamming down keys and entries ... I'll tally it all up and make the Official Leader Board at the end of this thing.

Let's get Started ..... Now:

Wait, hold the phone, maybe not everyone knows what this crap is so let's Term Define it out quick,


Term Define: Tag Team Finishers

This is a fighting move which combines the input and skills from two or more individuals to form increasingly powerful combination attacks. Once two singular moves are combined they thus become greater than the sum of their whole ... they become ... More Better.


Okay, Now let's get started ..... Now,

No wait, I might as well provide the inspiration that lead me to have the idea to sit down and write about tag team finishers.


What Got me Thinking about Writing This:

I was watching Dragon Ball Super which after the first two pretty bland story arcs (I wasn't crazy about the Purple Goku one either) is starting to get pretty cool... the show is hitting its stride and getting pretty cool. The next arc is a big ass 80 Man tag team Battle Royale ... it's gonna be like that Survivor Series where like 100 guys were standing on the apron. Yo, Dragon Ball Super is getting pretty buck, like word.

Dragon Ball was good from the original series all the way to about the Cell Saga in "Z". I stopped really liking that show around the end of the Cell Saga where like everything started to get a bit boring. I don't even remember the Buu one ... and that garbage nonsense "GT" made no fucking sense ... but yo, Dragon Ball Super is pretty buck and I like it.

Anyways, Piccolo and Gohan were like training in the mountains and eating dinosaurs like it was 1989 again and reminiscing about Old Times when Gohan says to Piccolo, he says, that they should come up with a Combination attack ... and I was like ... Word. Dragon Ball with Combination Tag Super Moves is a GENIUS idea! It is. I LOVE tag team finishers. I'm not even joking, like WORD to your MOMS tag team finishers drop BOMBS and if they put them in Dragon Ball ... forget about it ... it's gonna rule.

Okay, that's why I got Tag Finishers on the brain ... now, Let's Get Started Now,

The finalists are:



The Bush Whacker's Patented Battering Ram:

Wrestling has had some cool tag team finishers like when Ax would hold a guy in a back breaker clutch-hold and Smash would jump from the top turnbuckle and elbow the idiotic opponent in the face ... thus breaking the guy's back and his face at the same time ... but that move is peanuts compared to the Power which was unleashed by the Bush Whackers patented Tag Team Finisher, behold Ladies and Gentlemens, The Battering Ram:

It's in there, you might as well watch the whole video, there's some cool stuff in there like them making cheese, eating extra large 12 foot long hogies, and puking on each other and shit. The Battering Ram is in there somewhere or other.

Basically, Butch put his cousin Luke's head into a standard headlock and then both propelled their legs, which when combined gave them the Power of Four Legs (instead of two) charging Luke's Head into the idiotic opponent. No one got up from that, no one, not Barry Horrowits, not the Brooklyn Brawler, not Maxamillian Moon .... no one got up from this finisher.

It's simple but effective and it melded seamlessly into their act/stage-show ... they would frangle about the ring licking people, biting people's butt cheeks, and hollering buffooneries ... and this was the setup that lead in to the piece-de-resistance ... the Battering Ram which not only combined Butch's and Luke's leg strength but also combined their comedic skills into their wrestling skills. The Ram was the perfect cherry to put on the top of their perfect Double Fudge Sunday of a match.

I respect the Bush Whackers with many fibers of my heart, no doubt.


Raw Power: 76
Finesse: 74
Aesthetics: 79

Overall: 76



Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID:

Word to your Mom, Lemme drop a Bomb!

When I first saw Lucca throw a buncha fire into Crono's Cyclone sword whirl .... forget it ... I almost flipped my lid and ran screaming out of the house. It was called a "Dual Tech" and holy moly a la macaroni was it friggin' COOOOOOL. Word to your MOMS on Mother's Day (today) it was cool. The "Fire Whirl" was the first Dual Tech most people would learn in the game, I think, if memory serves me right, so chances are many many people flipped out to it like yours truly.... but ....

.... forget about Dual Techs, that shit is for BABIES. If you flipped for a dopey Dual Tech wait until your party learns a TRIPLE Tech. Yo.

I remember learning my first Triple Tech like it was yesterday. I was in Magus's Castle and then all of the suddens it writes on the screen "You Learned Triple Tech, Triple Raid" ... and I was like .... "a what?" .... "a TRIPLE TECH!? GET THE HELL OUTTA TOWN!"

In this Triple Tech, Frog and Chrono start by doin' the tried-tested-and-mother-approved bread and butter Dual Tech "X Strike" but it doesn't end there, people. IT DOESN'T END THERE! After Cro and Fro rip the enemy asunder in a X-like pattern, guess what? My boy, Ro, winds up a Robo Tackle and SMASHES into the idiotic opponent! Man alive, as if X Strike wasn't enough ... it literally became a TRIPLE RAID! Unreal.

I flipped. 100% Flipped.

My Heart ... it just Stopped.

Magus is the mid-boss of that game, and I was in his castle just MASHING THE CLUB UP! MASHING HIS CRIB UP with those TRIPLE RAIDS! I was mashing that pasty-face Magus's club up, like word. If I was outta magic or one guy was confused then I'd let loose a coupla Bubble Snaps or maybe a couple Spin Cuts ... who me? I don't give a fuck. I do not care or am scared of some ghosts in some haunted pasty-man castle. Forget about it. I WAS MASHING THE CLUB UP, ASUNDERS!

Man, I was in school back in Le Day when this Masterpiece was out and I was learning that junior algebra shit. Everything in those silly Mathematics Exercise Books was hokey stuff like "Solve for X", ya right, you think I'm gonna solve for any X after learning Triple Raid there Math class? Word to your mom, NO WAY JOSE. You never caught me in no math class solving for no X, no siree, Woo-eeeeee, I was up in those exercise Hilroy copy books drawing ROBO smashing into all the Xs I was supposed to be solving for. Smashing the math book up! WORD! No math book can tell me what to solve for, funk that .... those Xs were uncompleted X-Strikes, that's all they were! They needed a Robot to smash into them Xs and make Triple Raids outta 'em. I even imagined in the sound effects whilst drawing robots all over my math book Xs ... Triple Raid sound effects all like SLISH - SLASH - KURTAW - KUURRRR - PAAAAATOOW!

My Math book loooked COOL back in Le Day. Word up.

Raw Power: 88
Finesse: 86
Aesthetics: 87

Overall: 87



Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's Disco Inferno Bald Headed Seizure Nonsense Technique:

People always say that Video Games aren't literature ... but very idiotic people like that have never like sat down and played a game like Earthbound, or Final Fantasy VI, or Chrono Trigger ... and those morons have surely never sat down and played Suikoden I, II, or III.

The stories of the Suikoden games are just down-right well presented and I would describe them as wonderful, yet, we are not here today to be talking about the stories of the Suikoden games ... we are bringing Suikoden into this article because it has one of the silliest Tag Finishers these eyes of mine have ever laid into.

Male Pattern DISCO INFERNO!!!!

Not to get into the story, I'll just describe the move. In your band of 108 heroes you have three of whom which happen to be bald. Yes, they have shiny, no-hair-having heads, which sit atop their necks ... and if these three baldinies are in your fighting party at the same time they can combine the power of their bald heads to create a disco inferno which then morphs into a liquid-plasmic seizure inducing light show which ultimately culminates in every idiotic monster on screen dying like a big idiot.

Side Note: I have a bone to pick with that Gantetsu, because I read the books this series of games is inspired from (Outlaws of the Marsh) and that brother Gantetsu is obviously based on the Sagacious brother himself Mr. Lu Da .... and if you're gonna do a Lu Da character then that mammer jammer should be MASHING UP the CLUB like word to your mom. They made this character a Mage who sits in the back row and uses his 108 beads to like cast ghosts out ... man, he should have been wielding that iron cudgel like Lu Da did in the book and just mash idiots to pieces. I can't stay mad at Gantetsu though, because you have to push him like a sumo wrestler to recruit him (which is cool) and if you put him with Bolgan and Long-Chan Chan he can become 1/3 of a force of Bald Men so Powerful that they become a walking drug induced rave party ... which I must confess is the type of thing that Dreams are Made of.

Raw Power: 66
Finesse: 71
Aesthetics: 108 (limit breaker)

Overall: 82




Black Hole and Pentagon's What The Hell is Going On:

 

May we Sloooooow da tiiiii-hiiiime!

Ah yes, what list of this nature could claim to be in completion without first visiting the Tag Team finisher of the tag team known as the Four Dimensional Killer Combo who participated in one of the grandest of Tag Team Tournaments ... the Tournament Mountain Tag Team Tournament ... which started when an internal under-sea volcano erupted and jettisoned a new mountain range onto the earth's surface ... one that came complete with a wrestling ring and an ancient trophy to be awarded to the tag team which reigned supreme on Tournament Mountain.

I should explain these two pro-wrestler/super-men's super skills before explaining what their Tag Finisher entails.

Black Hole started out in Buffalo Man's stable of Super Men / Wrestlers who were banished from earth for their brutal ways (by means of getting locked in a giant roach motel and being shot into outer space). He's one of the original Devil Super Men ... and since he was born in the bermuda triangle he has the power of the Black Hole. Black Hole has a big hole in his face that leads to a cold and eternal void. His theme song is pretty good.

His Theme Song: The Bermuda Mystery

As for the Pentagon Man, he is a super man made by the Pentagon in the USA and wasn't a big deal on this show ... mainly acting as a jabroni to Wars Man in the Olympic Games story arc. The Russian super man known as the WarsMan carves him up pretty easy. Personally, knowing how retarded this show is, I honestly don't think Pentagon is his original name ... I think he was changed to Pentagon Man after the company told the authors of the work that he can't go by his original name which I believe was The Flying Jew Man. That's just a theory though and I can't prove that to be true. His powers is he can fly around like a bird man and he can spin his Jew Star to make time stop momentarily (which proves to be annoying in the Tag Tournament for his opponents). His theme song is good too, I love the english chorus of "May Weeeee Slooooooooow the Tiiiiiiiiiiii-Hiiiiiime!

I wish I could Stop Time myself.

Okay so, now Mr./Ms./Mrs. Reader understands that Dude A can suck things into an eternal empty void inside his face and Dude B can fly around like a bird and can also spin his face star-of-david and make time literally stop.

So, when these guys fight in the Tournament Mountain Invitational Geological Tag Team Whatever-the-Fuck-Thing Championship .... they develop a combination attack that combines their powers to create a combo that's way more better.

Sooooo..... Okay, what happens is. Um, let's see here, 

1. Black Hole disappears into the Void inside his own face which causes his idiotic opponents to run right past him and to clothes-line each other and look stupid.

2. Pentagon whilst flying around like a bird grabs one of the idiotic opponents who is still whoozy from being clotheslined by his own tag partner.

3. Pentagon thus flies gracefully through the air, high in the sky like a bumblee bee, and then holds his opponent in a reverse german suplex and begins his ferocious descent to the ground ... but instead of smashing his opponent's head into the ground ... he SLAMS HIM INTO BLACK HOLE'S FACE whereby he disappears (forever?).

4.  Next, while the other opponent (the one not currently inside Black Hole's face) regains his composure after the botched clothesline, Pentagon STOPS TIME ITSELF to keep this interloper in his place. Then, he grabs this opponent and similar to the first one, Pentagon flies gracefully through the air upwards and then places the second of the opponents in a reverse german suplex hold ... and similarly again ... he slams him into Black Hole's face (which you remember is an empty universe to itself).

5. Now, you following so far, Black Hole jettisons both opponents that are trapped in his void/face and launches them into the air.

6. Now both Black Hole and Pentagon jump into the air, high into the sky like a bird or a plane, and then grab an opponent each .... and then ...

7. PILE DRIVE THEM SKULL FIRST INTO THE GROUND.

They do this obtuse special clutch hold power move to Kinnikuman and his partner Prince Kamehameha* ... but I can't find a clip of it to show you gentle reader ... so if you'll excuse me we'll have to settle for a demonstration of this move from a Kinnikuman video game:

- 4D Fusion -

Well, there it is. There's some other cool moves in this tournament too but I'm gonna pick 4d Fusion as the entry for the Kinnikuman series. Some other cool ones are BuffaloMan and RamenMan (the 10 Million Power Having Powers) do one where RamenMan puts BuffaloMan on his back and then bends forward so Buffalo Man's horns are facing in front of RamenMan and then he runs at a top speed, as to which I'm not sure if it's symbolism that they turn into a horned freight train or if they do transform into a freight train with horns ... either way it's pretty cool. The Muscle Brothers voltron-esque Muscle Docking tag finisher is cool too.

(*Side Note: If you're wondering why Kinnikuman was in this pairing it's because .... Kinnikuman teamed up with his original trainer the Hawaiian Super Man known as Prince Kamehameha because his long time friend Terry Man had already promised the Native American Super Man known as Geronimo he would team with him and didn't want to break his word. But since the Prince Kamehameha exceeded the age limit for the Mountain Tag Tournament he had to wear a mask similar to Kinnikuman and thus they called themselves the Muscle Brothers.

-end of Side Note.)

Raw Power: 83
Finesse: 98
Aesthetics: 84

Overall: 88

Assessment of Ratings 

Okie humanly Dokie my reader of readers (if anyone is still reading which is doubtful) let's review the assessments now!

*** 1. Black Hole and Pentagon's Insane Nonsense Flying Bird Void Thing ***

2.  Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID.

3. Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's  Disco Fever Laser Light Show Bald Guy Attack.

4. Bush Whackers Battering Ram.  

Bird Nonsense Void Thingie wins because it's Word to Moms I'm Here To Drop Bombs COOL. It barely beat Triple Raid (which I should confess has a special place in the fibers of my heart so I might have a bit of bias on the Raid, baby).

Conclusion

As for Dragon Ball Super, it rules, and if it's gonna become tag team finisher city down at this wicked-sounding Tournament of Power between the Universes ... oh my goodness .... I hope those writers and artists know what they are doing. I hope they all grew up playing Crono Trigger, and Suikoden, and watching Wrestling and Kinnikuman. I hope some of these tag finishers blow my socks offa my feet on this show! 

They did one yesterday where like Goku and Tien team up to practice against Gohan and Piccolo. Gohan fends off Goku and Tien whilst Piccolo charges up his Super Explosion Wave ... it was pretty cool. There's so many ways they can go in this 80 man Multi-Universal Battle Royal though, I'm fucking excited, I haven't liked this show since like they beat Cell in like 19-whatever-dee-7. Who knows what these fucking aliens from these other fucking universes can fucking do, you know? Maybe some dudes are gonna be throwing dudes into other dudes faces (of which said dude's face is actually another universe) for all I know.