Combination Attacks II: Rating More Tag Finishers

In 2017, I wrote about Combination Attacks at depth on Mother's Day.....

This One: https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.com/2017/05/best-tag-team-finishers_4.html

It went on a long time, it seems mostly due to taking a while to get going, by talking about other stuff in the intro. I don't want to do that this time.... but there's matters in the Combination Attack field that I feel need to be talked about before we start rating Tag Finishers in this essay.

Re-reading my 2017 ratings of Combo Attacks has left me with woe and with red in the face. I am appalled that I didn't include a move from a movie that probably is the SOURCE of my deep respect and intrigue with Combination Attacks and Tag Finishers.

I feel a sense of personal shame and am actually appalled at myself for leaving something out of that article....and that something is... The Crossing of the Streams.

How could I have over-looked what was probably the most ICONIC combination attack of my lifetime? When the Ghostbusters crossed the streams of their proton-particle-throwers in 1984's Ghostbusters.... it shook the foundations of all of which was known prior-to-then as being cool.

Just call me Forgetful Jones, I guess.

It was a FINISHER too! They combined their proton streams at the behest of Egon (who previously in the film told them NEVER EVER to cross the streams) to create a total particle reversal in hopes to teach that travelin' and destructin' Gozer how they did things downtown!

I am appalled at myself for overlooking this attack in my previous article. This may have even beaten Pentagon and Blackhole's attack if it was entered into that 2017 Tag Finisher Tournament. It probably would have pulled it out in the end and won.

If I as a tiny baby/child never saw this happen.... my brain probably would never have even been wired to wig over Combination Attacks at all! I would never have cared about Antipodes I, II, or even III.... or Piccolo firing a Makankosappo through Gohan's Kamehameha blast to give it an added piercing element to its naturally occurring powerful energy blast explosion.... or care or wig even a bit when Animal held a guy on his shoulders for Hawk to launch himself off the top turnbuckle to harm the opponent with a flying clothesline.

....without Ghostbusters One, and the Crossing of the Streams...it's possible that I wouldn't have cared about ANY of those great things even at all.

So thank you for all you've done for the Art and the Science of Combination Attacks, my sweet Ghostbusters One, I shall forever value your contribution to the field.


Alright so with that out of the way, that lament and regret, let's get started reviewing all of the great Tag Finishers that are occurring in modern times...wait hold up.... I have something inside of me, whether it's in my heart or mind, that needs to be said regarding the field of tag finishers... and it involves Chrono Trigger... specifically the new modern ports of the game.... that have re-named many of the combination attacks of the game... that I believe is almost blasphemous in nature.

Super Nintendo's Chrono Trigger was released in 1995, and it was the greatest game. Ports of the game have been made for many systems after its initial release so a new era of people can enjoy one of the Society's Greatest Video Games just like we did as youths in 1995. Now, each port seems to think they can translate the game better than Ted Woolsey did in 1995.

Let's get something straight now, okay? Ted Woolsey's translation of Chrono Trigger in 1995... is the OFFICIAL translation of Chrono Trigger, okay? It is. Fans can make endless "fan translation" patches to pretend to fix his "mistakes".... and the ports to newer era systems can pretend that they can do a better job localizing Chrono Trigger than Terrific Ted did in '95... but your works are all in vain. The SNES version of Chrono Trigger released in 1995...is the BEST version of the game. Period.

Changing the names of Dual and Triple techs from the original translation is threading a thin needle and almost stepping on the toes of history, I must say.

With some of the Tag Finisher name changes in the new versions of the game, I get them, I guess. Let's look at Doublevbomb. Now, here I understand why it might be in their interest to re-translate Doublevbomb into Double Bomb. At the heart of it, it makes sense, it seems like it should have been Double Bomb back in '95 but some programmer entered the name into the field and hit the "v" key instead of the "space" key. Okay.... I get why they would change this.

Then again, part of me doesn't. To 1995 enthusiasts of Chrono Trigger, this move is called Doublevbomb! For all that I knew back then, maybe Lucca had an uncle who with her father Taban would make explosives and junk...and her uncle was named Nabat Doublev and the family named the highly powerful explosive Lucca uses in conjunction with Robo in a combination attack a "Doublev" bomb to honor her uncle who contributed to the creation of the Tag Finisher in that small yet key fashion. No?

I'm not that upset over Doublevbomb to Double Bomb. Who knows, maybe it really was a typo in the original and the new ports are just fixing the typo... maybe Lucca doesn't have an uncle named Nabat Doublev. I get it. I'm okay with Double Bomb.... but there's one I'm really not Okay with and that's.... Bubble Breath?

They changed Bubble Snap to Bubble Breath? Why? Why in the name of anything would they change the Snap to the Breath? Now, I'm a huge fan of Bubble Snap. I used Bubble Snap a lot. Frog summons up a bubble-casing with his Water magic to encase Robo in a bubble... then the bubble gently floats up into the sky.... next, the weight of Robo gives and the bubble SNAPS and makes a noise similar to a SNAP! Robo then proceeds to fall from the sky, his metal weight picking up much momentum on the way down, until he crashes on top of the opponent...harming them.

That's a Bubble Snap! Where does anyone do any breathing here? No one is breathing here! No where! No how! No breathing is being done! Why rename this move from a Bubble Snap to a Bubble Breath?

It's things like this that make people's hair turn gray before their time. It really is. It really is. Re-naming Bubble Snap...... to Bubble Breath. I wouldn't be surprised if one gray hair on my head is directly there because someone thought it would be a great idea to re-name Bubble Snap. Would not surprise me in the least, friends.

Alright, enough with this, we better start reviewing and rating Tag Attacks of the modern times... wait though.... while we're on the subject of Super Nintendo ports to modern systems of classic games, we have to talk about Final Fantasy VI....

Final Fantasy VI is a classic and a Video Game's Video Game. To see the port they offer younger people of today's times to experience Final Fantasy VI is enough to make a whole head of hair gray on a person well before its time.

I don't want to get too much into it... if you are interested in seeing why the port is almost blasphemous in nature I suggest you read the following article written by a person who gets very esoteric into why the graphics are not good:

Link to Esoteric Article delving into Why new versions of Final Fantasy VI's Graphics are Not Good:
https://www.fortressofdoors.com/doing-an-hd-remake-the-right-way-ffvi-edition/ 

Young people are growing up playing bad ports of some of the most classic of video games.... and I think the reverberations and damage this will cause to the minds of young people will be felt for aeons (probably). 

You don't need a Good Graphics degree from Videlectrix University (or a similar institution) to know that giving young people ports of great games but with bad graphics is a recipe for a less-than-bright Tomorrow.



Alright, we better start this article soon.... because I am gonna have a full head of gray if I keep letting Bad Ports get to me soooo..... Let's Get Started......

NOW.




Rating the Modern and Cool Tag Finishers and Combination Attacks of AEW Wrestling!

(Note: If a cool-cool move is over looked or forgotten to be included in the review.... please don't over-think it. In my first article in this field...I forgot to include the greatest thing ever.... so to color myself as a Forgetful Jones isn't an exaggeration by any stretch. I forget my own age sometimes.)

All Elite Wrestling's Tag Team wrestling is wicked and great... no one can deny this. Let's now look at some of the cool moves on display.


Re-iteration of Definition: 
A Tag Finisher is a fighting move which combines the input and skills from two or more individuals to form increasingly powerful combination attacks. Once two singular moves are combined they thus become greater than the sum of their whole ... they become ... More Better.


I'm not sure I can get photos or videos of all of these moves as some of these only happened like last week.... so the aesthetics of this article will be on the low-end... it is an in-depth review of these maneuvers in a more literary sense... I guess.

The Finalists for this year's Tag Finisher award are:

-Private Party - Gin and Juice
-Proud and Powerful - Camel Clutch + Boston Crab Dual Tech Submission (+honorable mention)
-Young Bucks - More Bang for your BUCK!!!!
-Best Friends (accompanied by Orange Cassidy) - Center of Ring Group Hug
-Kenny Omega and "Hangman" Adam Page - V-Trigger + Lariat
-SCU - S C U.... LATER!
-Jurassic Express - Double-Assisted Canadian Destroyer (+honorable mention)



Private Party

Gin and Juice

Marq and Isiah's Private Party may sound snobbish and the uninformed reader might think they are snobby bad guys... but they're not... they are good guys. It is a Private Party... but EVERYONE is invited to this party. This party has front flips, back flips, running back flips, running front flips, 450 swam dive flips.... and COMBINATION ATTACKS!

The best part, as stated above, is that Everyone is invited to this "private" party. It is very inclusive. Yet, if you're gonna imbibe though you gotta remember that what they're drinking at this party 'aint water, dude. It 'aint water, dude. It's probably some decent-enough-proof Hennessy... so if you are gonna imbibe at this party you should imbibe responsibly.

Private Party's tag finisher is their patented Gin and Juice. Here we see Marq plant the opponent onto the turnbuckle, nextly he deftly hurricane flips so his feet are wrapped around the opponent's head, he proceeds to re-flip himself which catapults the opponent off of the turnbuckle and into the trusty and waiting arm of Isiah...

....who hurricane DDTs the opponent's head into the canvas. Bravo.

With all these hurricane flips and hurricane DDTs.... how can an opponent cope? Quick answer is: They can't. The Gin and Juice doesn't just make them tipsy... it puts them down for a 3-count!

Raw Power: 71
Finesse: 89
Aesthetics: 87

Overall: 82



Proud and Powerful

Camel Clutch + Boston Crab (also we will talk about the assisted Vertical blood-to-head Suplex attack)

Santana and Ortiz are bad guys! They are in cahoots with Chris Jericho and his dastardly inner-circle. They play for keeps. They will whip you with a sock full of baseballs....they don't care. They are bad! They will slam 60+ year old wrestling legends right through tables! They are very bad! They will rake your back with their nails.... and they will preform brazenly powerful COMBINATION ATTACKS!

One they do is they suplex a guy but they don't finish the suplex, they get the opponent into a vertical clutch hold and just hold him in the vertical suplex but they don't even drop him! They just keep tagging in-and-out of the ring exchanging the opponent when their arms get tired! Oh my gooodness. If their arms don't get tired they never really ever have to drop the opponent, do they? No! The ref? The ref cannot do a thing because they are legally tagging in-and-out of the ring to exchange the opponent in the vertical clutch hold!

Meanwhile... what is the opponent feeling during all of this? His blood is rushing to his skull and brain! He has been upside down with his body back-to-front for what must seem like an eternity! Oh no! He must be passing out.

That's not the move I am entering them into this contest with though. I am entering them for their dual tech submission attack... the Camel Clutch + Boston Crab. Whereas one sits on the opponent and faces forward whilst the other sits on the opponent facing the opposite direction. They then start pulling on the neck and legs of the opponent in hopes of twisting him into some kind of a human pretzel. My gosh.... where is the humanity in all this, you ask? There is none. These men are BAD and they don't mind turning people into pretzels inside of the ring!

The downside to this submission attack is that you are only allowed 10 seconds inside the ring once a tag is made.... meaning both men can only be in the ring at the same time for 10 actual seconds. Will any opponent submit from an attack within ten seconds? Probably not. The ref will break Santana and Ortiz up if the attack goes on for 10 seconds under this rule.... this seriously limits the power of the otherwise powerful attack.

Raw Power: 90
Finesse: 72
Aesthetics: 83

Overall: 82




The Young Bucks

More Bang for your BUCK!!!

By Gawdness are these guys buck. The flips? Forget it.... just forget it. They flip like there is no tomorrow. They kick like there is no tomorrow. If you even blink while these guys are doin' it n' doin' their thang in the rang.... forget it... you missed at least 40 flips and 50 kicks whilst you blinked, dude. There's so much wild and crazy things going on while they wrestle that I recommend to the viewer of their craft that you don't blink.. unless you don't mind missing many a flip and a bevy of kicks during your 0.01 second blink session... then go right ahead and blink... I guess.

They have this one where Matt holds the guy in a pile driver hold and kindly waits... until his brother Nick preforms a spring-board front flip off of the ring apron with momentum help from the ropes... the momentum of the spring-boarded flip is then transferred into the feet of the opponent who is then thrust into a pile driver. Dang, that's buck.

They did a simple yet effective Triple Tech with Dustin Rhodes where both Bucks preformed a reverse-thrusted round-house Super Kick and Dustin stood in between and preformed a simple yet devastating front-thrust kick. A triple kick... to one face!? That's a massive attack, bubba.

Their entry in this tournament of techs is the More Bang attack... because it is uniquely buck. It is simply a sight to see. My eyes have seen some uniquely cool things over the years, ok? I'm not like a guy who just exaggerates and just like says stuff, you know? I've seen cool stuff like rock and roll concerts and naked-ass ladies and stuff over the years that I'd deem as being very very very cool.... so when I say something is cool or buck... I mean it? You know?

More Bang is COOL. There's so many back flips and front flips it's almost as if I cannot even conceptualize what a flip is anymore after they preform this. There's A LOT of flips. A lot of them. Flip after flip after flip after... after FLIP!

I'm not joking that momentarily after seeing More Bang... I cannot conceptualize the meaning of "flip" for a brief period. If you came up and asked me what my favorite Flip Wilson character was within a few minutes after seeing More Bang for your Buck... I wouldn't be able to answer because my brain would be unable to process the word Flip. I'd be like... "What Wilson?".... and then like a few minutes later I could answer you after my conceptualization as to what "flip" meant returned to me. I'd be like "Oh....Geraldine. That's my favorite Flip Wilson character. Yeah. Sorry 'bout that, I had a mental lapse for a moment, old friend."

There's so many flips it's like they got the Star in Mario Three on NES and knew they only had Star Power for like a few seconds so they pressed the jump button as many times as they could just to see Mario do an insane amount of flips!!!

Raw Power: 73
Finesse: 95
Aesthetics: 96

Overall: 88


 

Best Friends (accompanied by Orange Cassidy)

Center of Ring Group Hug

In this incredible maneuver, Best Friends, one Trent(?) and one Chuck Taylor, invite their familiar acquaintance one Orange Cassidy, into the ring to display the strength of their friendship.  

It is pondered by many how connected Orange Cassidy is to the Best Friends as he is never announced as being a member of the Best Friends as they approach the ring. It is clear that only Trent and Chuck are Best Friends and Orange Cassidy is just an acquaintance of theirs that they oft-times hang out with.

I wonder about this as well, I mean, is Orange Cassidy just too cool for the school and is the one who wants to be introduced separately... or is Trent and Chuck's Best Friendhood so pronounced that to include Orange Cassidy in the Best Friends would only serve to water down the strength of their friendship by including a guy who just wants to hang out sometimes? It's a great mystery...

..but, I think if Best Friends were to throw a party and they invited everyone and Orange Cassidy, they would see the biggest gift would be from Orange Cassidy, and the card attached would say....

..."Thank You, For Being a Friend...."

It is safe to say the damage of this move is limited but... if this were to be used in a video game universe, this move would boost their attributes for a set amount of time.... a lot. I'm talking like +25% to their melee damage, +25% to their melee defense, +25% to their super move attacks, +25% to their super move defense, +25% to their agility, +25% to their luck stat too, and their special move bar increases at 2x rate... all this for a full 2.5 minutes of gameplay time. Damn, that's a powerful boost.

In that sense, say you were playing like a Tag Team Story Mode where you take any team, start at the bottom, and work your way to fight the champs to win the belts... an unbeknownst player might think "why would I take the Best Friends and Orange Cassidy? Their base stats are very bad like 10 to 15 points lower than the best teams to choose from in this tag team menu screen...." ... yet lo, woe, and red in the face will be that hapless video game enthusiast for not choosing a team that has a Tag Move that boosts their stats considerably ... and thusly making them one of the strongest teams in the game with enough experience points.

Raw Power: N/A
Finesse: 72
Aesthetics: 93

Overall: 82


Kenny Omega + "Hangman" Adam Page

V-Trigger + Lariat

This attack is nothing short of a Massively Powerful Combination Attack. Let's look at each of these moves in a singular sense before we look at them in a combined and powerfully-combined sense.

The V-Trigger is a frontal running knee-strike... it sounds simple but it is so much more than its description. These can wake you up. Kenny doesn't finish matches with this attack... this is just a powerful running knee to the face to wake the opponent up... so said opponent is not tired and groggy when he experiences Kenny's One Winged Angel buster. These knees'll wake you up in the morning! If you're at work and you're on your third cup of cheap-but-free work coffee and still can't keep your dumb eyes open... call Kenny Omega to come down to your work and get him to knee you in the face! It'll wake you up!

What awaits the opponent in this attack once he's been awoken from his groggy slumber by a V-Trigger? A spring-board apron-flip momentum-enhanced... LARIAAAAAATOOOOOOOH!

A spring-board flip Lariat like that is NOT designed to wake you up... it's designed to put you down for the 3-count, compadre.

I've seen them do this from multiple angles. One time they connected with the V-Trigger AND the Lariat at the SAME exact TIME! Imagine getting a V-Trigger wake-up call and a Lariat smash at the same time!? I've seen it done by a drunken Hangman who needed M. Jackson to hold his beer for him while he flipped and lariatted.

Speaking of Hangman and his proneness to imbibing on drink... it seems like it is causing descension amongst Kenny and Adam. Hangman's drinking has caused some awkward in-ring moments between the two combatants. Some accidents involving Adam missing opponents and hitting Kenny... and even Hangman leaving Kenny Omega HANGING on a High Five. I was shocked when I saw the hang on the five. It left me feeling empty inside. I remember as a youth of 17, at a cool concert, one of my first, leaving someone hanging on a high five... and I never found it in my own heart to forgive myself. The regret over a left-hanged five is a greater regret than most understand.

(I remember many years ago seeing a ".gif" that really spoke to the realness of what I am trying to describe. Lemme see if I can dig it up by searching for it. Yes, I found it. It is this ".gif": HERE.)

Opponents think they can prey on this perceived non-unity between them... I'm sure SCU is thinking they will easily defeat them and regain the titles in their re-match with them by isolating the drunkard Page... yet you never count a team like this out for the count no matter how low their morale is or how drunk Adam Page is... because their Tag Finisher is lights outingly POWERFUL.

It is MASSIVELY POWERFUL.

Raw Power: 98
Finesse: 82
Aesthetics: 84

Overall: 88




SCU

S..C...U.... LATER!!

Socal Uncensored are good guys. They are a marching band from Southern California University. They held the tag team belts for a long while after they won the inaugural tag team tournament to kick off AEW's first year.

Is there any better alliterative string of words in our language that is better than Tag Team Tournament? I mean, the joy that springs to the breast of humankind when those three Ts come together in alliteration is completely and utterly magnifique, n'est ce pas?

Scorpio and Frankie's magnificent finisher involves Scorpio athletically spinning an opponent off of his back thus propelling incredible momentum outward and off his back....and into what... right into Frankie's knee strike. A sure-fire method to cap off an excellent bout. 1, 2,3 .... it's over.

I don't want to forget to mention the third member of SCU, one C. Daniels, who I thought had a very great redemption of his talent recently. After messing up an Arabian Moonsault, the Lucha Bros. endlessly scorned and scoffed at Daniels... many thought the regret and shame over botching said Moonsault would lead Daniels down a path of darkness.... but he overcame! He executed the Moonsault a few week later! He didn't give up! Never ever give up!

SCU also had a very touching display recently by honoring the late great Kobe Bryant by adorning his #24 during their match.

    
Raw Power: 85
Finesse: 80
Aesthetics: 81

Overall: 82



Jurassic Express

Double-Assisted Canadian Destroyer

Jurassic Express consists of a large-yet-loveable giant Dinosaur Man, a wild Mogli-esque wild jungle child, and a scrappy scamp who apparently live together in the forest behind the junkyard.

They got a cool cool move where after a crazy dive onto guys outside the ring by Jungle Boy, Luchasaurus launches Marko Stunt unto the already dazed opponents with a Gorilla Press Slam... which is great.

Their entry is the double-assist on the Canadian Destroyer. Whereas Looch and JB swing Marko back-and-forth to create a great deal of centrifugal force of which is key in enhancing the utter devastation of the Canadian Destroyer.

It is a very physical move in two ways. It employs the laws of physics... and it is physical like ... you know what I mean. 

Sorry guys. Some of these paragraphs are getting stale, homeys. Gonna wrap this up. Sorry, Jurassic Express... if you got the lead-off spot in this essay instead of the end-spot you would have had better paragraphs. 

Raw Power: 73
Finesse: 84
Aesthetics: 86

Overall: 82

  


Post Writing Tally: 

*Young Bucks: 88*
*Kenny Omega and "Hangman" Adam Page: 88*

SCU: 82
Jurassic Express: 82
Private Party: 82
Proud and Powerful: 82
Best Friends (accompanied by Orange Cassidy): 82

Dang, it is a tie. Who woulda thunk it?


Conclusion 

Okay, I know I already have qualms about who was left off the list. Some of the best wrestlers in AEW are 1-on-1 guys so cracking them into the tournament would be too hard. I know I left one of my favorite tag teams on the show, The Lucha Bros., off of it... I should have got them in. Lucha Bros. vs. Young Bucks matches on AEW have been nothing short of a Piston's Hurricane and of Straight-up Fire.

Their women division is amazing... sadly I couldn't work it in, either.

I didn't manage to work in my favorite thing I have seen on AEW... which was the 4.5 Man vs. 4 Man combined 8.5-man synchronized suplex.... which was get-out-of-towningly Great.

I selected the ones to do only after writing a lot of other stuff before I even started... I wouldn't regard this as an expert's opinion. I'm not a licensed Wrestling Journalist and I do not have a Wrestling Journalism degree from any of the top Wrestling Journalism schools... so if you read this don't think it's like a definite thing or anything by a Wrestling Savant.

The first time I did this in 2017... I left the greatest thing ever out of the tourney... so if anything cool was left out of this article ... it's not surprising by any means.

Let me once again thank Ghostbusters One. If Harold Ramis never asked his friends Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, and Ernie Hudson to cross their proton throwers to form a singularity of intense particular-reversing beam cannon.... I probably would never have wigged to any Combination Attack...



....I probably wouldn't've wigged at all... to any of it.

...wouldn't have wigged...at all.

So thank you......
 
...Harold Ramis.

Best Tag Team Finishers

It's Sunday, I should write something down. My humanly Writing Tools are getting pretty rusty ... like if I don't do it for like a month or two I will like forget how to do this stuff. If I don't do it for like a month and then try, I'll be sittin' there in front of the blank white page and be all like "What the Hell, Man?"

It's actually quite hard to ravenously throw down black characters onto a blank white slate. I hear Pro Writers say sometimes that they get "writers block" like a constipation but for writing ...  I can see how that's possible.

Similar to anything else in life you gotta keep at it to get better and you gotta keep doing it to stay sharp ... so ... to wash the rust off my Writing Skills .... here is my presentation to All Parties of Whom are Interested to Know this:

THE GREATEST TAG TEAM FINISHING SUPER MOVES FROM ANY MEDIUM OF ALL TIME.


The only rules for this tournament is that there are no rules. It can be a Tag Team Finisher from any medium of entertainment. Actually, there will be one rule and that's that there will be a limit of One move per source. So, for example Chrono Trigger was loaded with wicked wicked tag team moves but it'd be dumb to just list like 10 cool moves from that video game. Y'Know?

I am now gonna start slamming down keys and entries ... I'll tally it all up and make the Official Leader Board at the end of this thing.

Let's get Started ..... Now:

Wait, hold the phone, maybe not everyone knows what this crap is so let's Term Define it out quick,


Term Define: Tag Team Finishers

This is a fighting move which combines the input and skills from two or more individuals to form increasingly powerful combination attacks. Once two singular moves are combined they thus become greater than the sum of their whole ... they become ... More Better.


Okay, Now let's get started ..... Now,

No wait, I might as well provide the inspiration that lead me to have the idea to sit down and write about tag team finishers.


What Got me Thinking about Writing This:

I was watching Dragon Ball Super which after the first two pretty bland story arcs (I wasn't crazy about the Purple Goku one either) is starting to get pretty cool... the show is hitting its stride and getting pretty cool. The next arc is a big ass 80 Man tag team Battle Royale ... it's gonna be like that Survivor Series where like 100 guys were standing on the apron. Yo, Dragon Ball Super is getting pretty buck, like word.

Dragon Ball was good from the original series all the way to about the Cell Saga in "Z". I stopped really liking that show around the end of the Cell Saga where like everything started to get a bit boring. I don't even remember the Buu one ... and that garbage nonsense "GT" made no fucking sense ... but yo, Dragon Ball Super is pretty buck and I like it.

Anyways, Piccolo and Gohan were like training in the mountains and eating dinosaurs like it was 1989 again and reminiscing about Old Times when Gohan says to Piccolo, he says, that they should come up with a Combination attack ... and I was like ... Word. Dragon Ball with Combination Tag Super Moves is a GENIUS idea! It is. I LOVE tag team finishers. I'm not even joking, like WORD to your MOMS tag team finishers drop BOMBS and if they put them in Dragon Ball ... forget about it ... it's gonna rule.

Okay, that's why I got Tag Finishers on the brain ... now, Let's Get Started Now,

The finalists are:



The Bush Whacker's Patented Battering Ram:

Wrestling has had some cool tag team finishers like when Ax would hold a guy in a back breaker clutch-hold and Smash would jump from the top turnbuckle and elbow the idiotic opponent in the face ... thus breaking the guy's back and his face at the same time ... but that move is peanuts compared to the Power which was unleashed by the Bush Whackers patented Tag Team Finisher, behold Ladies and Gentlemens, The Battering Ram:

It's in there, you might as well watch the whole video, there's some cool stuff in there like them making cheese, eating extra large 12 foot long hogies, and puking on each other and shit. The Battering Ram is in there somewhere or other.

Basically, Butch put his cousin Luke's head into a standard headlock and then both propelled their legs, which when combined gave them the Power of Four Legs (instead of two) charging Luke's Head into the idiotic opponent. No one got up from that, no one, not Barry Horrowits, not the Brooklyn Brawler, not Maxamillian Moon .... no one got up from this finisher.

It's simple but effective and it melded seamlessly into their act/stage-show ... they would frangle about the ring licking people, biting people's butt cheeks, and hollering buffooneries ... and this was the setup that lead in to the piece-de-resistance ... the Battering Ram which not only combined Butch's and Luke's leg strength but also combined their comedic skills into their wrestling skills. The Ram was the perfect cherry to put on the top of their perfect Double Fudge Sunday of a match.

I respect the Bush Whackers with many fibers of my heart, no doubt.


Raw Power: 76
Finesse: 74
Aesthetics: 79

Overall: 76



Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID:

Word to your Mom, Lemme drop a Bomb!

When I first saw Lucca throw a buncha fire into Crono's Cyclone sword whirl .... forget it ... I almost flipped my lid and ran screaming out of the house. It was called a "Dual Tech" and holy moly a la macaroni was it friggin' COOOOOOL. Word to your MOMS on Mother's Day (today) it was cool. The "Fire Whirl" was the first Dual Tech most people would learn in the game, I think, if memory serves me right, so chances are many many people flipped out to it like yours truly.... but ....

.... forget about Dual Techs, that shit is for BABIES. If you flipped for a dopey Dual Tech wait until your party learns a TRIPLE Tech. Yo.

I remember learning my first Triple Tech like it was yesterday. I was in Magus's Castle and then all of the suddens it writes on the screen "You Learned Triple Tech, Triple Raid" ... and I was like .... "a what?" .... "a TRIPLE TECH!? GET THE HELL OUTTA TOWN!"

In this Triple Tech, Frog and Chrono start by doin' the tried-tested-and-mother-approved bread and butter Dual Tech "X Strike" but it doesn't end there, people. IT DOESN'T END THERE! After Cro and Fro rip the enemy asunder in a X-like pattern, guess what? My boy, Ro, winds up a Robo Tackle and SMASHES into the idiotic opponent! Man alive, as if X Strike wasn't enough ... it literally became a TRIPLE RAID! Unreal.

I flipped. 100% Flipped.

My Heart ... it just Stopped.

Magus is the mid-boss of that game, and I was in his castle just MASHING THE CLUB UP! MASHING HIS CRIB UP with those TRIPLE RAIDS! I was mashing that pasty-face Magus's club up, like word. If I was outta magic or one guy was confused then I'd let loose a coupla Bubble Snaps or maybe a couple Spin Cuts ... who me? I don't give a fuck. I do not care or am scared of some ghosts in some haunted pasty-man castle. Forget about it. I WAS MASHING THE CLUB UP, ASUNDERS!

Man, I was in school back in Le Day when this Masterpiece was out and I was learning that junior algebra shit. Everything in those silly Mathematics Exercise Books was hokey stuff like "Solve for X", ya right, you think I'm gonna solve for any X after learning Triple Raid there Math class? Word to your mom, NO WAY JOSE. You never caught me in no math class solving for no X, no siree, Woo-eeeeee, I was up in those exercise Hilroy copy books drawing ROBO smashing into all the Xs I was supposed to be solving for. Smashing the math book up! WORD! No math book can tell me what to solve for, funk that .... those Xs were uncompleted X-Strikes, that's all they were! They needed a Robot to smash into them Xs and make Triple Raids outta 'em. I even imagined in the sound effects whilst drawing robots all over my math book Xs ... Triple Raid sound effects all like SLISH - SLASH - KURTAW - KUURRRR - PAAAAATOOW!

My Math book loooked COOL back in Le Day. Word up.

Raw Power: 88
Finesse: 86
Aesthetics: 87

Overall: 87



Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's Disco Inferno Bald Headed Seizure Nonsense Technique:

People always say that Video Games aren't literature ... but very idiotic people like that have never like sat down and played a game like Earthbound, or Final Fantasy VI, or Chrono Trigger ... and those morons have surely never sat down and played Suikoden I, II, or III.

The stories of the Suikoden games are just down-right well presented and I would describe them as wonderful, yet, we are not here today to be talking about the stories of the Suikoden games ... we are bringing Suikoden into this article because it has one of the silliest Tag Finishers these eyes of mine have ever laid into.

Male Pattern DISCO INFERNO!!!!

Not to get into the story, I'll just describe the move. In your band of 108 heroes you have three of whom which happen to be bald. Yes, they have shiny, no-hair-having heads, which sit atop their necks ... and if these three baldinies are in your fighting party at the same time they can combine the power of their bald heads to create a disco inferno which then morphs into a liquid-plasmic seizure inducing light show which ultimately culminates in every idiotic monster on screen dying like a big idiot.

Side Note: I have a bone to pick with that Gantetsu, because I read the books this series of games is inspired from (Outlaws of the Marsh) and that brother Gantetsu is obviously based on the Sagacious brother himself Mr. Lu Da .... and if you're gonna do a Lu Da character then that mammer jammer should be MASHING UP the CLUB like word to your mom. They made this character a Mage who sits in the back row and uses his 108 beads to like cast ghosts out ... man, he should have been wielding that iron cudgel like Lu Da did in the book and just mash idiots to pieces. I can't stay mad at Gantetsu though, because you have to push him like a sumo wrestler to recruit him (which is cool) and if you put him with Bolgan and Long-Chan Chan he can become 1/3 of a force of Bald Men so Powerful that they become a walking drug induced rave party ... which I must confess is the type of thing that Dreams are Made of.

Raw Power: 66
Finesse: 71
Aesthetics: 108 (limit breaker)

Overall: 82




Black Hole and Pentagon's What The Hell is Going On:

 

May we Sloooooow da tiiiii-hiiiime!

Ah yes, what list of this nature could claim to be in completion without first visiting the Tag Team finisher of the tag team known as the Four Dimensional Killer Combo who participated in one of the grandest of Tag Team Tournaments ... the Tournament Mountain Tag Team Tournament ... which started when an internal under-sea volcano erupted and jettisoned a new mountain range onto the earth's surface ... one that came complete with a wrestling ring and an ancient trophy to be awarded to the tag team which reigned supreme on Tournament Mountain.

I should explain these two pro-wrestler/super-men's super skills before explaining what their Tag Finisher entails.

Black Hole started out in Buffalo Man's stable of Super Men / Wrestlers who were banished from earth for their brutal ways (by means of getting locked in a giant roach motel and being shot into outer space). He's one of the original Devil Super Men ... and since he was born in the bermuda triangle he has the power of the Black Hole. Black Hole has a big hole in his face that leads to a cold and eternal void. His theme song is pretty good.

His Theme Song: The Bermuda Mystery

As for the Pentagon Man, he is a super man made by the Pentagon in the USA and wasn't a big deal on this show ... mainly acting as a jabroni to Wars Man in the Olympic Games story arc. The Russian super man known as the WarsMan carves him up pretty easy. Personally, knowing how retarded this show is, I honestly don't think Pentagon is his original name ... I think he was changed to Pentagon Man after the company told the authors of the work that he can't go by his original name which I believe was The Flying Jew Man. That's just a theory though and I can't prove that to be true. His powers is he can fly around like a bird man and he can spin his Jew Star to make time stop momentarily (which proves to be annoying in the Tag Tournament for his opponents). His theme song is good too, I love the english chorus of "May Weeeee Slooooooooow the Tiiiiiiiiiiii-Hiiiiiime!

I wish I could Stop Time myself.

Okay so, now Mr./Ms./Mrs. Reader understands that Dude A can suck things into an eternal empty void inside his face and Dude B can fly around like a bird and can also spin his face star-of-david and make time literally stop.

So, when these guys fight in the Tournament Mountain Invitational Geological Tag Team Whatever-the-Fuck-Thing Championship .... they develop a combination attack that combines their powers to create a combo that's way more better.

Sooooo..... Okay, what happens is. Um, let's see here, 

1. Black Hole disappears into the Void inside his own face which causes his idiotic opponents to run right past him and to clothes-line each other and look stupid.

2. Pentagon whilst flying around like a bird grabs one of the idiotic opponents who is still whoozy from being clotheslined by his own tag partner.

3. Pentagon thus flies gracefully through the air, high in the sky like a bumblee bee, and then holds his opponent in a reverse german suplex and begins his ferocious descent to the ground ... but instead of smashing his opponent's head into the ground ... he SLAMS HIM INTO BLACK HOLE'S FACE whereby he disappears (forever?).

4.  Next, while the other opponent (the one not currently inside Black Hole's face) regains his composure after the botched clothesline, Pentagon STOPS TIME ITSELF to keep this interloper in his place. Then, he grabs this opponent and similar to the first one, Pentagon flies gracefully through the air upwards and then places the second of the opponents in a reverse german suplex hold ... and similarly again ... he slams him into Black Hole's face (which you remember is an empty universe to itself).

5. Now, you following so far, Black Hole jettisons both opponents that are trapped in his void/face and launches them into the air.

6. Now both Black Hole and Pentagon jump into the air, high into the sky like a bird or a plane, and then grab an opponent each .... and then ...

7. PILE DRIVE THEM SKULL FIRST INTO THE GROUND.

They do this obtuse special clutch hold power move to Kinnikuman and his partner Prince Kamehameha* ... but I can't find a clip of it to show you gentle reader ... so if you'll excuse me we'll have to settle for a demonstration of this move from a Kinnikuman video game:

- 4D Fusion -

Well, there it is. There's some other cool moves in this tournament too but I'm gonna pick 4d Fusion as the entry for the Kinnikuman series. Some other cool ones are BuffaloMan and RamenMan (the 10 Million Power Having Powers) do one where RamenMan puts BuffaloMan on his back and then bends forward so Buffalo Man's horns are facing in front of RamenMan and then he runs at a top speed, as to which I'm not sure if it's symbolism that they turn into a horned freight train or if they do transform into a freight train with horns ... either way it's pretty cool. The Muscle Brothers voltron-esque Muscle Docking tag finisher is cool too.

(*Side Note: If you're wondering why Kinnikuman was in this pairing it's because .... Kinnikuman teamed up with his original trainer the Hawaiian Super Man known as Prince Kamehameha because his long time friend Terry Man had already promised the Native American Super Man known as Geronimo he would team with him and didn't want to break his word. But since the Prince Kamehameha exceeded the age limit for the Mountain Tag Tournament he had to wear a mask similar to Kinnikuman and thus they called themselves the Muscle Brothers.

-end of Side Note.)

Raw Power: 83
Finesse: 98
Aesthetics: 84

Overall: 88

Assessment of Ratings 

Okie humanly Dokie my reader of readers (if anyone is still reading which is doubtful) let's review the assessments now!

*** 1. Black Hole and Pentagon's Insane Nonsense Flying Bird Void Thing ***

2.  Crono, Frog, and Robo's TRIPLE RAID.

3. Gantetsu, Bolgan, and Long-Chan Chan's  Disco Fever Laser Light Show Bald Guy Attack.

4. Bush Whackers Battering Ram.  

Bird Nonsense Void Thingie wins because it's Word to Moms I'm Here To Drop Bombs COOL. It barely beat Triple Raid (which I should confess has a special place in the fibers of my heart so I might have a bit of bias on the Raid, baby).

Conclusion

As for Dragon Ball Super, it rules, and if it's gonna become tag team finisher city down at this wicked-sounding Tournament of Power between the Universes ... oh my goodness .... I hope those writers and artists know what they are doing. I hope they all grew up playing Crono Trigger, and Suikoden, and watching Wrestling and Kinnikuman. I hope some of these tag finishers blow my socks offa my feet on this show! 

They did one yesterday where like Goku and Tien team up to practice against Gohan and Piccolo. Gohan fends off Goku and Tien whilst Piccolo charges up his Super Explosion Wave ... it was pretty cool. There's so many ways they can go in this 80 man Multi-Universal Battle Royal though, I'm fucking excited, I haven't liked this show since like they beat Cell in like 19-whatever-dee-7. Who knows what these fucking aliens from these other fucking universes can fucking do, you know? Maybe some dudes are gonna be throwing dudes into other dudes faces (of which said dude's face is actually another universe) for all I know.

6 Particularly Obscure Video Games that are Odd and Cool.

I am a big geek and sometimes I like to scour the internet for rare or obscure things. In the case of video games, there's some diamonds in the rough out there. Games that weren't released because they were so strange and odd and original that they were deemed bad. The following are a selection of truly odd (but good) games that not many folks (other than weird internet geeks know about).

1. Taito's Hit the Ice

 Roaming the wastelands lookin' fer beers eh!

Hit the Ice boggles my mind. It's basically what you'd get if you threw Ice Hockey, Dragon Quest, and Slapshot into a blender. You are a Canadian tough guy hockey player who is told by his coach to go out into the wastelands of Canada and win the VHL championship. As a Canadian, I'm interested in how a Japanese company would portray the great game of Hockey and also wonder how it would translate into an RPG genre of game. Basically, Japan perceived us Canadian types as neanderthal gorillas who wander around a giant wasteland searching for hamburgers, chicks, hockey games, and fistfights. I think they hit the nail right on the head with this one. 

All the elements of an RPG are there, you travel the worldmap getting into random encounters (except you don't fight gremlins and shit, instead you are attacked by rival hockey teams who you play 2-on-2 hockey matches against).The trick to winning these battles is to score one goal, then pick-a-fight and punch your opponent in the face until the clock runs out, then hot chicks come out and you celebrate gaining 5 EXP points.

Secret Tips:

1. Do not go into the arenas until you're good, the opposing teams are as fast as fuck and can literally uppercut you across the ice.

2. Eat Hamburgers all the time. Burgers give you vital nutrients and EXP points.

3. Watch out for rowdy arenas in opposing cities where rowdy rednecks will pelt you with beer bottles.

4. Cherry pick. There's no two-line passes or offsides so while your goalie holds the puck skate into the opposing zone then pass it across the entire ice surface and shoot.

5. Use "Dicky" Fontaine cause he has the best name in the game.

 

6. You can't swim so you have to buy an apple to give to an old man who has the life saving inner tube which you can use to cross rivers and streams at will!

2. Enix's Wonder Project 

Wonder Project was an SNES game that tells the story of a guy who makes a robot kid and introduces him into the world of humans. Blind to the ways of mankind this modern day Pinocchio must adjust to the world around him. You don't even control the character you just reward him and punish him depending on what he does. Each stage of the game has different situations and obstacles that require him to react in certain ways, and in order to get him to react in certain ways you must teach him through painstaking repetition and drills. 

For example for some levels of the game he needs to be nice and tame in order to help an old lady or something...while at other times in the game you have to beat the nice out of your son/robot in order to make him aggressive in order to compete in a fighting or athletics competition. It's a strange concept and you really have to play it to understand what I'm talking about. Some behaviors that you taught him at the start of the game have to be washed out of his mind to get him to interact with an object differently for a later stage in the game, it's really difficult to know what you have to do in a lot of cases. He has to be smart at times (make him read the encyclopedia all day), and other times really stupid (make him read comic books all day) in order to progress the game.

The ending is surprisingly terribly heartwrenchingly sad (unless you got 100% in each of the stages).

3. Tomcat's Photoboy 

Photoboy is the fucking best game, whoever made this is a great, reliable, and trustworthy member of the human race. You play as this deranged-faced golden haired youngster who's parents died in a horrible plane crash and now makes a living by taking pictures of fucked up shit for a local newspaper (whacky premise). The gameplay is really addictive and by the time you beat it...you'll look back and wonder what the heck just happened, but you'll know you are a better person for having played it. 

Secret tips: 

1. There's a really rare occurrence in each level that will net you a shitload of points, they are really brief and hard to capture but keep your eyes peeled for EXTRA insane nonsense going on around you (such as the Back to the Future Dolorean going back in time or the Terminator attacking some kid).

2. You can rapid fire at a lot of occurrences and catch them more than once, which is so cheap but once you master it the game is actually quite easy.

3. In the boss stage where your editor is popping up in random boxes and taunting you to take pictures of him you can cheat by clicking the button nonstop which slows the game down to a virtual halt.

Photoboy always reminds me of my childhood dog "Cubby". When I played the boss and didn't know about the slow down trick, I was going at such a pell-mell rate to keep up with the editor that I knocked a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch off the desk and all over the poor dog. He didn't consider either the milk or cereal as real food and didn't seem to care at all that he was covered in it.

4. Seta's Bio Force Ape

Bio Force Ape is quick little 3-level side scroller with slick animations and a great story. It's about this monkey who's friends get kidnapped so he drinks this solution that renders him into a testosterone-ridden, enhanced, super ape who suplexes the hell out of any anthropomorphic bee-humans or crocodile-legged sub-bosses that stand in his way. I love the way he tries to wrestle his way out of any elevator he accidentally goes in, and how he reverse face plants the dinosaur guys.

This game developed a myth around itself between collectors and NES folklorists who knew it existed and knew it was awesome. As questions of how cool it was grew and grew, someone fanned the flames tenfold by releasing ficticious photos of the game which painted it as being too awesome and too hilarious for it's own good.

Bio Force Ape is what Cheetamen 2 aspired to be but failed...the super-mammal side scroller of the ages.

5. Itoi's Mother ZERO

Shigesato Itoi's Mother series has developed a cult following over the years, the games are satirical of the RPG genre yet are very deep and very well written. It's as if the spoof is actually of higher quality than the spoofed you might say. The complete story of how this was ported and translated is available at lostlevels.org.

What makes the Mother series good? It's hard to say, the graphics suck, the gameplay of an RPG in general is repetitive and boring, it tries at times to be annoying on purpose, and the characters are bland. How is it good? It makes no sense...but it just is. 

Tim Rogers from Large Prime Numbers wrote the best review of Mother 2 that I've found and I think he may have figured out why this stupid nonsense is good. He states,

"Shigesato Itoi, producer of Mother 2 and two other games, says in a recent interview that videogames are, at their best, like prostitutes. A prostitute, he is quick to distinguish, is a lot like a lover, only that it requires no emotional input from its momentary significant other.

[Mother 2] is a prostitute that's missing one tooth somewhere you won't discover unless you look at her really hard, and she has this shitty grin on her face for some reason or another. She does nothing to provoke you to be cruel to her. And between the time she takes her stockings off and the time she puts them back on, she's going to tell you a story so creepy you will never be able to forget it. Your time with her will not be entirely comfortable, nor will it be entirely enjoyable." 

- Rogers, T. Literature of the Moment (a critique of Mother 2)

Video games are prostitutes? I think maybe what makes this series fascinating is that its creator is a very odd yet intelligent fellow himself and that his oddness and intelligence carries itself very well from his head into his work. I think Rogers may be right in his assessment of Mother 2, that quote might be the best way to describe the game.

Mother ZERO might fit that description even better, it is unique from start to finish. My favorite character in the game is a lonely soul who helps you out of your own mind as you finish up journeying through it. I don't know how he did it but with just two colors, a handful of pixels, and some words...Itoi managed to make me feel complete empathy for a character in a really silly video game. You can't escape your own mind unless you answer this guy's questions correctly and how are you supposed to know which answers are correct? I have to try and figure out what this guy wants? He wants me to ignore him? Okay, if it will let me get out of my own mind I will gladly ignore you I guess...jeez...what is this game up to? What kind of shtick is this Itoi brother pulling? The whole game is like this too. It's an interesting one that's for sure.

7. Square's Live A Live

Squaresoft used to make SNES games that were really good, it made one or two good Final Fantasy games (VI & VII) and that really great effin' game Chrono Trigger which has a well written story and beautiful music score. Right before they made Chrono Trigger they made a strange game called Live a Live which is sort of hard to describe. It tries to cover a lot of different genres, from western to sci-fi to kung fu...and it makes for an interesting thing. See this site for a more in depth summary.

The Western and Kung Fu chapters are particularly good, I think the key is that it doesn't take itself too seriously which has made recent Square games (anything past 1997) totally awful and dangerously emo.

If you make anything creative, whether it's a song, a story, a video game (etc.), you really have to make sure you don't take it too seriously. A video game is supposed to be fun above all other things. The games they make these days take themselves too serious.