An Essay about Ramenman

The following essay I am about to write is all about Ramenman... a literary character that fills my heart with great inspiration... even just to utter his name... inspires me.

We shall be looking at the man, the Ramenman's, life in great detail and then we shall be thinking about our (i.e. my but it is more polite to write "our") favorite Ramenman matches of all time. This shall be one of the most high-intensity, for me not you, essays to write... because even thinking about Ramenman makes me very excited.

The first and most important thing for us to do is set a glossary of terms that will likely be used in this essay that are very specific to the Kinnikuman universe and may fall silent on many a lay man's ears.

I can't just be writing this essay and typing-off terms like "Zangyaku" pretending everyone on earth knows what a Zangyakin' Chojin is so let's begin with a glossary of terms to be used.


Glossary of Terms that shall probably be used in this Essay about Ramenman


Chojin: From my understanding of watching a lot of Kinnikuman over the last intertwining decades of the twilight that is my life... this term is basically the equivalent of "super hero"... a Chojin would be the same as Marvel or DC characters who have super-human/awesome strength and special super-human abilities and/or powers here in the western world.

Seiji: This term refers to a specific faction of Chojin (Super Heroes)... it is a term that represents Justice, Truth, and Honor. If you are affiliated with this sect of Chojin you are basically a "good guy" in the Kinnikuman universe.

Zangyaku: This is the second faction of Super Heroes that appears. This term is basically translated to "Brutality"... which as it suggests refers to Super Heroes who, though aren't necessarily "bad" so to say, are mean and do brutal things and don't err to the side of caution whilst wrestling opponents. Think of the Punisher, I guess, in western Super Hero lore... as a Zangyaku/Brutal Super Man.

Akuma: This term refers to Chojins who have sold their souls and/or blood to the Dark Lord in exchange for Super Powers. They thus become evil. They are not Zangyaku... they are more than brutal... they literally worship actual Satan (who appeared on the show in fact... he lives in a dank cave if memory serves).

Note: Sometimes Akuma Chojins aren't directly affiliated with Satan/Devil etc.... sometimes they just hang out at Ashuraman's dank and evil castle. It seems being associated with Ashuraman makes someone an Akuma Chojin as well. This specific faction of Akuma Chojins can voltron-morph into the dreaded Akuma Shogun (which would translate to General Devil or Sergeant Satan) who is a powerful adversary.

Techniques:

Camel Clutch: This will come up, so if you're studying for the blue book exam at your high school or your college entry-exam and are boning up on your Kinnikuman knowledge... be aware that the Camel Clutch will likely be on your exam.

The Camel Clutch was a powerful finishing move (employed in real life, of course, by the Iron Sheik) that is in Ramenman's arsenal of powerful finishing moves. This is a very important move Ramenman uses at the very early stages of the Kinnikuman comic... and it basically put Ramenman "over" as a popular wrestler/super-hero. When it is used as a literary writing device... it is very powerful... even saying the word Camel Clutch is cool... so try to use it sparingly as to not take the shine off of its luster.

It can sever a man's actual spine and displace his vertabraes.

Kowloon Wall Drop: This is Ramenman's main finishing hold/strike and it is powerful and can defeat any man's ass very fast. I think it is based on the Great Wall of China, or something, but part of me is left unsure.

Flying Leg Lariat: This is a flying clothesline-esque maneuver yet Ramenman uses his powerful leg as the focal point of the flying clothesline as opposed to his arm. This move is very powerful but it, I think, was only used by Mongolman or Victory Ramenman and was never actually used by Ramenman.

Hmmmm....

Okay the next section is going to have to clear up the impending confusion revolving around the fact that Ramenman fought many matches in his career under a masked-alias and also... there was a spin-off show that put Ramenman in ancient feudal China... that which under my opinion is NOT canon to the Kinnikuman universe. Alright... so the next section will inevitably have to be...

Disambiguation as Regarding to Ramenman's Masked Alias and also Regarding his Spin-off Show

Firstly, my friends, let's talk about Mongolman...

I have to do this section before I can even think about writing about my favorite Ramenman matches because, if I do not, more confusion shall likely ensue... and we do not want this.

Okay so... one time... Ramenman almost died! Warsman did a spinning aerial claw-related attack off of the top turnbuckle whilst Ramenman was outside of the ring catching his breath. This brutal screw-driver high-flying aerial striking attack was very powerful. Ramenman picked up the ring bell to protect his skull and brain from the impending attack but... alas... Warsman's claws pierced through the ring bell and... sadly enough... went right through Ramenman's skull and deep into his brain.

He was in a vegetative state for many months and everyone thought Ramenman would die... but... with his last ounce of strength he goes, with his wheel chair, into a magic forest and Doctor Bombe gives him a secret wrestling mask, made of powerful healing tree-bark, that will give Ramenman the strength to power through his horrible career-ending brain damage... yet he only possesses this incredible power while wearing the mask...

...the mask of the Mongolman.

None of his friends recognize him at all. Sadly, for a great portion of Ramenman's life... he had to wrestle under anonymity as the mysterious Chojin known only as Mongolman.

Thankfully, later, he weaves a cool headband that is made from the same healing tree bark and can finally take the mask off and once again be Ramenman but that happens much later into the show.

Nextly,

Victory Ramenman...

I think many Ramenman scholars disagree on this but I, for one, am ADAMANT that Victory Ramenman is not canon and they are not the same people. It is under my understanding that the spin-off show where Ramenman fights kung fu fighting around ancient feudal China... is another guy... although he looks very similar to Ramenman and is quite possibly an ancestor of Ramenman...  I think this leads people to think he is the actual Ramenman... BUT... and let's be clear here... Victory Ramenman is not... I re-iterate and repeat... not... Ramenman.

Does that mean that Victory Ramenman isn't cool? Of course not because Victory Ramenman is awesome. He beats men's asses with so much powerful kung fu that I can barely even believe it. He often hits people repeatedly in the face with nunchucks... which is really great... where as in western cartoon-related lore... it is so rare to see someone beat a man's ass with nunchucks. In fact, I believe I never even have. Let me go further into detail into this while we're talking about nunchucks.

Now, how many times in Ninja Turtles have you actually seen with your two eyes... Michelangelo beat a man's ass with nunchucks? Zero. Wait, you say you have? NO. You've seen him beat foot soldiers, who are ROBOTS, with nunchucks. The foot soldiers shoot electricity all over and then promptly explode... those are not men! Those are robots, man!

In fact, nunchucks are so frowned-upon in western society that it makes me ill. I read an article once that stated, in the European version of Ninja Turtles that was aired over-seas in Europe, I'm speaking of the 1987 version now, the one where they eat pizza and fight bad guys... they edited out all instances of nunchucks! What!? Europe what are you thinking!? What did Mikey fight with... I'm gonna look it up...

...a grappling hook!?

What in the world is going on down there!? I would never live in a place like that. Never. Ever.

Imagine your life, and how different it would be, America, if you never saw nunchucks on Ninja Turtles when you were in your formative years? That would be ridiculous.

Meanwhile Victroy Ramenman is not only using nunchucks on his cool spin-off show... he gets gold ones in this one episode that are SO POWERFUL he can make crops grow in regions suffering from droughts just with one swing of them. In the east... they revere nunchucks... like it should be.

What was I talking about? Sorry, these nunchucks made me distracted.

Oh yeah... so yeah... Victory Ramenman (pictured in gif form above as Mongolman on Victory Ramenman)... is not actually... what was I talking about? Whatever... who cares.

I still can't get-over that Europe banned nunchucks on Ninja Turtles. Imagine being the guys who had to edit-out manually all instances of Mikey swinging those cool chucks? There could not be a less fulfilling job in life than the guys who had to do that... they must have spent every waking moment of their lives wondering how much damage they were doing to their society by editing out the nunchucks from Ninja Turtles. They must have felt so badly inside their hearts.

I cry inside thinking about things like this. I'm too sensitive for our world, sometimes, I think.

I'm sorry, so sorry, sweet Europe, that they did this to you. My thoughts go out to all of you. I love you, Europe.... just remember that.


My Favorite Ramenman Matches

I've dug myself into a hole, a bit, in this essay, friends, because I've gone to great lengths to inform you that Victory Ramenman is not canon and he's not really Ramenman but probably just a distant ancient ancestor of Ramenman... and quite a few of my favorite things Ramenman does, now that I think about it, happened on Victory Ramenman.

One time, Ramenman, was fighting this animal trainer guy who worked for the King of China, or whatever, and this guy was going around literally abusing animals left and right! It was so shameful I could barely even believe this guy! Ramenman gave him his just desserts by... not beating this man's ass via his own bare hands and powerful leapin' clotheslinin' legs... but he let rodents do the dirty work to teach this man's ass his just desserts and his lesson...

...so what Ramenman does... get this you guys... is he throws all this rotten milk all over this guy... and rats swarm around him like bees and proceed to devour his flesh!

I love this move. In fact, I loved it so much, I remember ending one of my short stories I wrote here by throwing rotten milk on the villain and letting rodents devour them.

Weirdly enough, the villain survives this, learns his lesson, gets his just desserts... and returns in the final episode to help Ramenman in the survivor series.

Would you like to know now what is my least favorite fashion Ramenman employed to beat a man's ass? One time, also on Victory Ramenman... Ramenman is in this town as he's just Kwai-Chang-Caining around feudal ancient China... like he always does... he's looking for the secret ancient Camel Clutch scroll or something... and this ruffian is bullying the public.

This ruffian can throw pottery into the air, leap into the air and kick the pottery, creating a wave of broken pottery shrapenel that is sent flying to the opponent... which is cool.... BUT... Ramenman beats this man's ass by training a kid the ruffian bullied to kick pots better than how the ruffian kicks them.

I don't know... it wasn't believable to me. I would have much preferred Ramenman kicking the man's ass and beating this ruffian man's ass as opposed to some dopey kid kicking pots at him.

Man, one time, this guy tried to beat Ramenman by letting his hand soak in a barrel of purple poison for many days and then he trains his poison punch by... punching bears in the stomach... and... wait... sorry... we have to get back to canon/official Kinnikuman lore now... we can't spend this much time on Victory Ramenman.

Okay... alright... now... honestly... I've been dreading writing about this part because it's... probably the reason Kinnikuman was never aired in the western world in the 1980s...

Yes folks... I'm now going to mention the time Ramenman put a Nazi in a Camel Clutch that was so powerful... he ripped the Nazi in half and killed him inside of a wrestling ring.

This happens very early on in the Kinnikuman comic books and it is awesome. If there's one thing I truly hate... it's Nazis... and I LOVE watching Ramenman kill them in wrestling rings on cartoons... but alas... this was even too much for Japanese censors at the time... so... as opposed to the comic... on the cartoon... Ramenman doesn't sever his spine and rip the Nazi in half... he uhhh... rips him in half, turns him into noodles... and eats him.

That's more violent than before, Japan! What the heck!?

It's more "cartoony"... I guess... the violence... but he still murders and eats a Nazi where as in the comic he just tears his torso off with a powerful Camel Clutch.

There is currently a German Chojin on Kinnikuman and many people are confused as to why Brocken Jr. is allowed in the Seiji Chojin who fight for truth, honor, and justice... this German Chojin is REFORMED. He was reformed and allowed to be a good guy. He's actually the son of the man Ramenman murdered in the ring. He got reformed fast... how you ask? Well, when he came to wrestle Ramenman to avenge his father's death in a ring of solid concrete... Ramenman beat this man's ass and my goodness did he beat it hard... he beat this German man's ass so hard in fact.. that he reformed him... and made him a good person.

Ramenman is so cool, it's not even funny, sometimes.

Yo, you guys, one time, Ramenman... when he takes the Mongolman mask off for the first time after he makes the tree-bark headband thing that let's him have the strength to fight despite having career-ending brain damage... listen to this... he fights in a survivor series... and the ring is a jungle gym! He has to fight a man made entirely of mirrors that can shoot rainbow colored light at people to injure, harm, and subdue them. 

Ramenman climbs to the top of the jungle gym, which is the right shade of blue that resembles an old 80s steel cage match, and starts floating and meditating... in a pink pyramid created by the power of his mind.

The shade of pink is perfect, just like the shade of blue they use for the jungle gym... it's so right... it's the same pink of Turtle Ooze, it's the same pink of Ghostbuster Slime, it's the same pink as the Death Becomes Her potion where all of Bruce Willis's ex-wives drink longevity potions to achieve eternal youth.

Imagine sitting in a pyarmid created by the power of your own thoughts... that was the perfect shade of pink from the 80s!?

To think of the therapeutic applications of a floating mental pyramid of this shade of pink are unbelievable!

Also, imagine, if you can, being a silly Chojin fighting a man who can counter your multi-colored rainbow attacks by doing something like this? Rainbow mirror beams cannot penetrate the fortress that is this man's mind!

I've been typing for almost one hour now... I have to take a break. I am too excited, you guys.


Conclusion

Look, this show, is back... with the Perfect Origin arc on Netflix... and I'd be lying if I told you I did not mark out to it. I marked... in fact... I almost even got choked-up when Robin Mask, Warsman, Brocken Jr., and Ramenman walked out in hero walk style fashion.

...and then it ended. 

It says there will be a season two in January. I hope that is not a lie.

I'm a simple man who doesn't ask for much in this world... and all I want is to see Ramenman beat a man's ass again. I'm getting older now, you guys, and soon... I don't know... I don't know how many more times I will have the chance to watch Ramenman beat a man's ass.

When you are young and full of hope... you think you can see things like this all the time... but you can't.

We can't always get what we want.

People in this world wanna ban books, people in this world wanna ban rock n' roll...

.... there's people in this world who want to painstakingly edit-out every instance of Michelangelo wielding nunchucks. This is the reality of our society, people.

Because of this...

Sometimes... I think... every time I see Ramenman beat a man's ass... it might be the last time I see Ramenman beat a man's ass.