Video Games that were Supposed to Exist but Don't....but Should (you know what I mean?)

There's things you hap upon on the internet at times that appear to be too hot to handle. Things that appear so hot it's like the sun bled them out.

My goodness. What is this? An adventure style video game set during "the hottest day of the year" starring Rudy Ray Moore, Timothy Leary, Ivan Stang, Mark Mothersbaugh, and hot chicks.

It looks like they took the Towering Inferno, the Disco Godfather, the Bad Day on the Midway, through in some strippers, aliens, and zombies...liquified it in a blender, filled a hypodermic needle with the liquid, injected it directly into their eyeballs...and then made a video game.

Where do I buy this? Nowhere. Even if you get a 3DO emulator and scour the entire internet for the ROM you will never ever be able to play this game. It seems to exist but it doesn't. It's just a shadow of reality, it is there yet not even freakin' there.

Damn it, why aren't people making stuff like this? What's going on with the video game industry? Some companies are churning out the new seasons of the sports games which are the same exact game they released the year before except the title has incremented by one numeric unit. Other companies are making the lamest emo garbage that can only appeal to girls who want to suck off shirtless vampires. While other companies are making games for young teenage psychopaths who want to join the army and kill people, letting them live out their deranged fantasies of shooting up their school. Damn it, damn it, damn it...why don't these effin' companies put some damn WEIGHT ON IT!

If I was running the video game industry I would change a lot of shit. I would get all those companies mentioned above together and go..."Hey, did any one of you dumbasses realize that no one has ever made a Dolemite video game? Do you realize that Rudy Ray Moore died four years ago...and none of you have honored him buy making a Dolemite video game? Can all of you please stop making garbage and put some god damn WEIGHT ON IT!?"

Your weight? PUT IT ON IT!

Those jabronies at EA should stop production of Madden '13 and get on making Dolemite '76. Those complete weirdos at Squaresoft should scrap the concept art for their next androgynous protagonist and get Yoshitaka Amano to put some weight on his hand and start drawing Dolemites day and night! Those morons making murder games for troubled youths should allocate all their resources to developing Dolemite Online. 

Now that he's gone, no one can make a video game starring Rudy Ray Moore as Captain Crispy and make him put out the great Chicago Fire whilst fending off aliens, zombies, hot womens, and government conspiracies. And you know what? That's a crime against humanity.

You know who is still alive? Mark Mothersbaugh, and Ivan Stang. It wouldn't hurt to get these two involved in some sort of gamin' project. Mark has already worked on the music of video games such as Crash Bandicoot, Sims 2, and Jak and Dexter. They should give him loads of money to make one (not just the music) and see what they get.

Honorable Mention

This game, Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover Text Adventure, seems to exist. Yet, same as with Duelin' Firemen it really doesn't. Something of this nature should exist by all means, and it is a shame that it is a just a hypothetical concept of a video game.

Lo! Luck would have it in this case, that someone noticed that this should exist and took it upon themselves to make it so for the benefit of humanity (which is the only right and sane thing to do when a situation of this nature presents itself).

You can download for free and play Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover Text Adventure, and if you manage to finish the game you will be pleasantly surprised with how cool the ending is. (Download: Click Here)

For radio transmission 4

Dock Ellis

Switching to general baseball history...it's a different game now the old days are gone...let's talk about some of the legends of these times. Characters of old who you won't come across too often anymore and let's talk about the best of the best himself...the man who was as bad as CAN BE...Mr. Dock Ellis.

He did some out there stuff man. In his book Dock Ellis in The Country of Baseball he let's you see his motives behind some of the more controversial things he did and it is really an interesting book. Most people are aware of the No Hitter on LSD...

He had an off day and took the liberty of getting himself a little influenced so to speak, and under said influence two days kind of merged into one day and he forgot he had to get to San Diego and pitch. He figured he'd counter the effects of the LSD by taking some stimulants. He says he had no depth perception and sizes were getting out of whack like the ball would be the size of a golf ball in his hand sometimes and other times it would be the size of a beach ball...

lookin' good Ross...

Honestly my opinion on this is that DECEPTION for a pitcher is 1000% times more effective than throwing hard and throwing strikes. Dock was hitting guys he was throwing balls in the dirt a few feet in front of the mound, he was throwing balls over the catchers head...he was so erratic that the hitters had no idea what to expect next. Take for example the only Expos pitcher to ever win 20 games Ross Grimsley...he never threw a ball harder than 80 miles an hour...but he had three different speeds and movement on his pitches and it was deceiving.

Take the game of May 1st of 1974, it's Dock's Pirates versus the Big Red Machine (HUGE RIVALRY) (Rose, Morgan, Bench, etc.) his catcher Manny Sanguillen asked him to go over the hitters strength and weaknesses before the game and Dock's says "No, I'm gonna do the DO tonight...I'm gonna MOW THEM DOWN every last one of them..."

...and he did...the first five batters and only five batters he faced were hit by a pitch or walked by expertly dodging his attempts to hit them. Pete Rose got it in the side, hit Joe Morgan right in the kidney, hit Dan Driessen in the back, Tony Perez was the one who dodged all the missiles.

My favorite is his interest in the Voodoo, and when he was playing in Dominican winter ball...Dock asked former Expo Manny Mota to drive him on an off night across the border into Haiti because he wanted to see some Zombies. Now this is probably another drug induced hallucination but he claims in the book to have seen actual zombies...

..."I had to go to Haiti. Zombies. It WAS zombies. We were in a jeep, we got to a certain area. I saw these people walking, four of them, zombies and a woman too, a zombie woman too...and these zombies were walking FUNNY."

you don't find guys like this in sports anymore.

http://peanutellis.ytmnd.com/