The Haunted House: Volume II

Season 2

New intro theme!

Oh, Hey Guuuurl!
Let's throw on a Smashing Blouse!
Ya! We just bought a Haunted House!

And we're gonna live in it!
Oh! We're gonna live in it!
Yeah! We're gonna live in it!

We are livin' in a Haunted House!
Yeah!
We are livin' in a Haunted House!
Yeah!
We are livin' in a Haunted Hou-House!
We are livin' in a Haunted Hou-House!

Roll Call! Roll out! Roll em' out!

Lee, the man of Master Class
About to kick a Dracula's Ass
Roiling the seas on his Caravel
He will always give a Dracula Hell

It's scary but don't get down n' don't get blue
Now lemme tell you about my main man DAN!
From the Street to the Strasse all the way to la Rue
Dan the Man can split any ghost's ass right in TWO!
When it comes to Dan, oh yes, I'm a big Fan of Dan the Man!

How 'bout Our Fairest Judith...
Judith Fudith bo Budith!
Banana-FANA Fo Wudith!
Hey High Ho!
JUDITH!
Yo! Judith!

Now, for the sexy Temptrina! My baddest lady!
Not only is her hair raven black, baby!
But this gal's got her black belt in KARATE!
Hee YAH! OW! OH! BABY! OW!

Last is my man Richard but don't call 'em "dick"
He can take down a whole Frankenstein with one kick
It's his Haunted House but you're all invited
He sincerely hopes all his guests are delighted!

Oohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

We are livin' in a Haunted House!
Yeah!
We are livin' in a Haunted House!
Right Now!
Yeah!
We are livin' in a Haunted Hou-House!
We are livin' in a Haunted Hou-House!

OW!

Yeah! We gonna LIVE in IT!


Chapter 4

Two weeks had passed. Richard moved all of his things into his new, splendid, grand... and possibly actually haunted... house.

The stab wounds inside of his heart had now healed. He hadn't seen his temptress with the black hair since she stormed out of his house, in a clamor, claiming she heard weird voices. This made Richard very glad for, it was pretty much official, that his trist was officially over and the healing process could begin.

He loved his temptress dearly...but he had to let her go.

He had invited Danny as well as Judith over for a house-warming party. He was excited to see Danny, to properly thank him for aiding him with his sinister scheme... and was very excited to see Judith once more... who he found to be breath-takingly beautiful. He was annoyed that Danny insisted on bringing Lee along... Danny wanted them to meet and put this mess behind them and become friends.

They were to arrive very shortly. In only just a few more days...


To Be Continued.....

Several days later his guests had arrived. Richard was beaming with glee! He let them in and greeted them individually. First the fairest Judith, he took her silky-skinned hand and gently kissed it, next he slapped his best pal Danny on the back... next, he looked at Lee.

Daggers!

Lee's eyes were full of hate! Richard had seen this boiling rage before. It was like when you don't check on your potatoes boiling on the stove and the pot overflows with intense heat and crashing waves of scalding water! Lee's eyes were a burning portrait of a scalding pot of boiling-over potatoes. The pupils of his eyes, however, were sharp... as sharp as little beady steely knives!


Lee: Greetings, Richard.

Richard: Greetings...Lee.


They all went into the drawing room, a room with no mural on the ceiling, which put Danny at ease. They began nibbling at some of Richard's hors d'oeuvres. He had splendid tea cakes, rice pudding, yorkshire pudding, fig newtons, hob nobs, crumpets, crumble cake, and coffee cake.

Lee's eyes began to soften when he saw the pastries. He loved pastries.

Lee noticed Richard had most of the exquisite antique furniture restored and kept in the same place it was. This garnered an incredible amount of respect inside of his heart.


Lee: A man of taste, I must admit, you had all the tapestries and antique furniture restored yet still managed to keep its original look and feel?

Richard: Why, yes, I employed the original decorators of the house who were still in business. They had records in their shop detailing the original design of it... this is as close as it will come to looking how it was created originally and intended to look.

Lee: It's.... absolutely beautiful. I misjudged you, Richard, I thought all the antiques would have been thrown out and you would have replaced them with some Irish trinkets and silly little tchachkies by now. You are, indeed, a man of class and of excellent taste.

Richard: Thank you kindly, Lee.

Judith: Richard... it is wonderful.


Richard and Lee both turned to look at Judith the second she opened her soft lips to utter her gentle words with her velvet tongue which came from her porcelain face. They both were very fond of her. She was so nice and pretty. Her hair looked so good. Her voice was like music to their ears. They almost tripped over each other's words trying to issue a counter-statement before the other could.


Richard: Yes it is!

Lee: That's right! It is. Gosh, you're so smart Judith.

Judith: Thank you for the compliment, Lee.


Richard's eyes grew bright red like the embers of a roaring fire! His soul was sent into a raging inferno of anger! He quickly calmed down and thought up a better compliment for Judith in order to out-wit Lee.


Richard: Dearest Judith, fairest of them all, my sunshine maiden of eternal beauty... if it wasn't for you showing me this house I never would have purchased and restored it. You are the shining beacon of hope and beauty in our dark and unjust world.

Judith: I am? Ohhhh. Thank you so much!

Lee: I couldn't agree more, fairest Judith, your intelligence in appraising finery and knowledge of real estate is truly unparalleled. I dare say... a woman like you is only born unto this cold and uncaring world every thousand years. You are simply the best.

Judith: Oh. Oh my. Lee. Richard. I...I....I....

Danny: Ugh. I'm gonna get some air. I think I might just throw up!

Richard: Settle down on the hob nobs, Dan! The party's only starting!

Danny: Yeah, right. It's definitely the hob nobs that are turning my stomach, yeah, yeah.


Danny left the drawing room and went out the front door to the front porch to breathe some fresh air that wasn't sappy, corny, and dripping with horrible mushy syrup. Their gushing over Judith was truly turning his poor tummy the wrong way round. He was happy Lee liked what Richard did with the place, with the antiques and paintings and whatnot, at least. He took a breath of fresh air and was thankful the main festivities of the house-warming party were not being held in the room with the blasted mural. Just then, a familiar silhouette approached the Tower House. He heard high heel shoes sexily walking up the stairs... she was wearing a tight black dress which was insanely hot.

...It was her! The raven-haired beauty! But why!?


Raven-haired Temptress: Dear me, is Richard in? Is he having guests tonight? Damn. I'll come back later. Now's not a good time.

Danny: He's in...

Raven-haired Temptress: You seem awfully familiar. Were you at La Potate a few weeks ago?

Danny: I don't know. Maybe. Why?

Raven-haired Temptress: Uh, nevermind. It's not important. The thing is, bloke, I left my purse here a few weeks ago and my notebook was in it. I need that notebook... it's quite important to me. I never wanted to return here. If at all possible could you just slip into the room with the weird mural and see if it's still there?

Danny: Yeah, I bloody hell shan't. Thanks but no thanks, darling. That room gives me the hibbies, the gibbies, and everything in between. Care for a hob nob?

Raven-haired Temptress: No. No thanks. You... don't like that mural? The one with the all the angels harking on the horns and everything?

Danny: I bally well hate the damned thing... wait... what did you just say? Angels?

Raven-haired Temptress: Or imps or whatever he says they are.

Danny: You DID say angels! I'm not mad! Glory be! Halle friggin' Lujah!

Raven-haired Temptress: Wait, you... you see angels too?

Danny: Sure do. What's your name, darling? Seems we might be kindred spirits or some jazz.

Raven-haired Temptress: Temptrina.

Danny: Why hello-hello, Temptrina, my darling. Name's Danny.

Temptrina: You think you can look for my purse, Danny? I don't want to see Richard again.

Danny: They're in the drawing room... we could dip in quickly, find your purse, and you can be on your merry-enough way. I'd like to look at the mural with you and see what you see.

Temptrina: Fine by me. It gives me the hibbie-gibbies too. It was... it felt like... it... it was speaking to me.

Danny: ...with the voice of a child?

Temptrina: !!?

Danny: You too? I'm not mad! Oh.... oh this is great!

Temptrina: Let's go in and look at it, again. I feel compelled to.

Danny: We shall. Come now darling.


Danny and Temptrina went into the Tower House together. They were dutifully quiet so Richard was left blissfully unaware Temptrina, who he was still madly in love with even though he hated, had returned to his grand house.

 They went into the mural room and gazed up on it in unison...


Danny: Angels.

Temptrina: Oh yeah. One hundred percent, Danny. Angels alright. As cherubic as they come.

Danny: Good. You see them too. What did the voice say to you?

Temptrina: I heard two of them. A girl and a boy. They were happy I could hear them.

Danny: I only heard one voice. It kept asking me for help... it was scared.

Temptrina: Well here's my purse. I guess Richard didn't have the heart to cast it to the rubbish bin. Good. Hey, let's look around. Maybe that dastardly man put a tape recorder in here to scare us... maybe he's lying about seeing demons up there.

Danny: Yeah, but, Lee n' Judith see demons up there too, Temptrina.

Temptrina: Lee... and Judith? Who's she?

Danny: Some bird. A realtor bird.

Temptrina: Oh. This inscription is ... in latin. Hmmm, it translates to... something along the lines of... where cherubs lose their way.... or something.

Danny: You can read latin? Good show, darling.

Temptrina: Thanks, Danny.

Voice: ...the mantle. The bust on the mantle.

Temptrina: What did you just say about my bust!? Eyes up here, Dan.

Danny: I didn't say a damned thing about your jugs! My voice isn't that high. I'm a man's man!

Another Voice: They can hear us, again!

Danny: Oh no! Not again! The voices of the damned! Oh no!

Temptrina: I hear them too. They... they want us to look at the bust on the mantle.

Danny: It's a bust of... uhhh.... one of our old prime ministers methinks. Winston whatever.

Temptrina: That's a bust of Saint Peter! Saint Peter was never a prime minister!

Danny: Oh.


Temptrina inspected the head of the bust of Saint Peter or possibly Winston Churchill, they hadn't agreed on who the statue was representing. She opened the head of the bust and saw a switch.


Voice: hit the swiiiiiiiiitch.

Another Voice: Yeaaaah, hiiiiiiiit the swiiiiiiiitch.

Danny: Bally! Bloody! HELL!

Temptrina: Calm down, not so loud. Richard will throw a fit if he sees me in his weird room. It's just a tape recording... he's just trying to scare me. Trust me... I know Richard inside-and-out. He's charming and great-looking... but, wow, does he have friggin' issues, Dan. I'm hitting this switch... we're gonna get to bottom of this... we're going to find out what is going on... once and for all.

Danny: Alright, I'm an old merchant marine... I can handle anything. I'm a real manly man! Hit it!

Temptrina: Okay, Danny, here goes....


She hit the switch, on the bust, on the mantle... the bricks of the wall adjacent to them started to rumble and shake....

....they had found a secret passage!


To Be Continued....



Danny: Blimey! Bleeding bloody bleeding HELL! It's a bally secret passage way is what it bleeding well is!

Temptrina: Hmmmmm. Odd. Well, shall we?

Danny: We shall.


They walked into the secret passage. It was dark and scary as they proceeded through the narrow hallway. Both their hearts had filled with fright... they were dirt scared. They held onto each other out of instinct. They continued down the corridor arm-in-arm. Danny remembered he had a pack of matches in his pocket.


Danny: I got a pack of matches in me pocket, dear.

Temptrina: Great... maybe we can see where this leads to.


Danny lit a match. The passage way was damp, dark, the walls were made of stone and the only thing they saw was a small room just adjacent to them. They entered the small room.


Voice: This is our bedroom. Would you like to play with us?

Another Voice: We can play house together.... you can be the mummy n' daddy n' we can be your children!

Voice: We haven't seen our mum n' dad in so long.... we miss them so much. Please play house with us.

Another Voice: There's a candelabra over here... use one of your matches to light it.


Danny was frozen with fright... Temptrina still thought it was some kind of tape recording to manufacture fear inside of her and was not really very scared... yet. She reached into Danny's pants pocket, took out his book of matches, pulled one out and struck it... she lit the candelabra.

What they saw was quite strange. It indeed was a children's room with old dusty toys and two small beds. Temptrina was beginning to lose her cool and starting to wig as well. They turned to run when the voices began speaking again.


Voice: We've been hiding in here from the demons for so long now.... we want to go to bed soon. We can't hide forever. Once they get our souls we'll end up like our mummy n' daddy... we will.

Another Voice: We don't wanna be demons, we don't. I'm just a little chimney sweep is what I am... I don't want to be like the others. I don't want to be a monster. I just want to sweep chimneys I do, with a jolly smile, and a chim chim cheroo, I do!

Temptrina: Where are you?

Voice: Right here, just turn the light and shine it to your right....


Temptrina shone the candelabra to her right.... and right there... was two apparitions. Small scampy little filthy dirty children. They really did look like two little chimney sweeps. For you see in the olden days only kids could fit into chimneys to clean them. These two ghosts were definitely two little filthy chimney sweeps. One girl and one boy. This must've been some sort of workers quarters for the butler's kids who cleaned the Tower House's chimney. Or Temptrina thought so anyways. They were probably employed as chimney sweeps in this manor many years ago, it would seem.

More importantly... Temptrina and Danny were on the verge of fainting into each others arms out of pure horror!


Another Voice: I'm Charlie!

Voice: ...and I'm Dorothy!

Danny: Yeah? Great... and I'm out of here!

Temptrina: Me too! You kids have fun in here... uhhh.... but uhh..... we have to get back to uhhh... the party.

Dorothy: I don't think so. The others in the house can't see us... that means they have hearts tainted with evil. They are not pure hearted like you two are. That's why you can see us! You are good like me mum and me dad! I don't think you'll see your friends again. The demons will snatch their souls rightly soon.

Charlie: That's right mum! The demons are done restin' now! They'll be swallowing up the ones in the drawing room's souls quite quickly. Those foul-hearts do not stand a chance. They won't even see the demons swallowing them up until it's too late.

Temptrina: Me? A pure heart? You have to be joking.

Danny: I think you're mistaken... there's no way I'm pure, kiddo.

Dorothy: Oh but you are! We have resisted their evil for soooo loooong. We know the demons too well. You two have pure hearts! You can help us! You can fight the monsters! You can help us!

Charlie: Our grandpa gave us a book! It's on the shelf behind you! He says it was written long ago by a very smart man!


Temptrina walked to the bookshelf and took the only book that wasn't burned, mangled, or destroyed. It was written in latin. She opened it and began reading... and translating for Danny...

Temptrina: It says.... I have finally sealed the forces of Evil from this abode yet the gate to their evil realm remains. When men or women with evil, greed, and sin in their hearts enter this abode the demons awake anew with an insatiable hunger for tasty evil souls. They love the taste of sin inside of a human. They feast upon it like ravenous scavengers... and drag their souls to their evil realm for eternity. They don't have a need or want for the souls of the pure hearted for their souls don't taste good. They only crave the souls of mortals who's hearts are fat and tender with salty and juicy sin.

Charlie: That's why the baddies didn't eat us! We don't taste any good.... but we can't do anything to stop them... cuz.... uh.....

Dorothy: Cuz... uh... we're dead.... and everything. We want to go to sleep now... but... we're still hiding from them. They won't let us leave.

Charlie: They won't let us go to heaven....

Danny: You poor poor little lost souls. Why didn't you say so sooner? Of course we'll help.

Temptrina: That's right... you poor sweet little things. Just tell us how we can rid the house of the demons.

Charlie: They're real meanies.... you're going to have to....

Dorothy: ....fight them.

Danny and Temptrina: !?


To Be Continued....


Dorothy: Oh no! Here they come! Charlie! Hide!

Charlie: Cor BLIMEY! Let's rush up the chimney n' hide, quick! Please, old chaps, can you defeat the monters for us? Pretty please!?

Dorothy: ...with a cherry on top? Please?

Temptrina: ....uh....

Danny: Well, Temptrina ol' gal... looks like we're not in Kansas anymore.

Temptrina: That's for sure. Alright, kids....we'll try and.... hey, where did they go?

Danny: Those filthy scampy ghostly street urchins climbed up the chimney to hide... and left us in a quite a pinch is what they did.

Temptrina: Damn it. What in the world is going on in this kooky house?


Suddenly, a cold gust of wind hit their backs which sent shivers of fright all the way down their collective spines! An evil voice echoed throughout the stone walls of the secret passage behind them...


Evil Voice: Come out, come out, wherever you are, you dirty little chimney sweeps! I want to make you into a meat pie to feed my pet rats!! Mwahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaa!


The voice drifted down the passage way to a far off location...


Temptrina: Come on let's follow that voice... we'll see what kind of big weirdo is behind all this. There's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything we've just experienced...

Danny: Are you mad!? We just met some chimney sweep children ghosts who want us to battle spirits! Sorry, but I'm out of here, post-haste! I only signed up for a little house warming bash. This is not how I want to spend me holiday!

Temptrina: Don't be a scaredy-cat.... come on!

Danny: Fine.


They followed the voice and the evil footsteps the creature was making down the narrow passage to a room they hadn't been in previously. Suddenly, a series of torches very eerily and very slowly lit themselves as they walked into the room... illuminating the area. It was a large banquet room with two staircases leading to a great mezzanine... and on the mezzanine was a figure who stood under a magnificent portrait of a pale-faced and caped-man.... the figure opened his cape, sneered, and said...


Evil Voice: Oh, new guests? Are you with the others? How convenient for you to come and seek me out instead of the other way around... for it is I... The Great Dracula! The Dreaded Conqueror of all of Eastern Rumania! The evil scourge of all of Europe! Please join me in my banquet hall... for we shall soon be preparing and feasting... on your SOULS! Blagh!

He flashed his teeth at them!

Danny: Oh no! It's Dracula! Oh no!

The Great Dracula: Oh yes! It is! Mwahahahahahahahaaa!

Temptrina: You have to leave those two ghost children alone and let their souls go to heaven to be with their parents! We're not scared of you, foul villain!

The Great Dracula: Their parents? Their souls are not in heaven! Mwa-HA! Their souls are twisted monsters who work for me in my army of twisted abominations! Come out Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein! Mwa-ha-HA! Oh, and bring two dozen of our most skilled skeleton and zombie fighters to apprehend and arrest these mischievous trespassers! MWA-ha-HA-ha-HA!


Two Frankensteins entered the banquet room, one male and one female... sadly they were the mangled and twisted souls of Dorothy and Charlie's parents rendered into abominations through Dracula's twisted machinations. Behind them, at a safe distance, was one dozen skeletons and one dozen zombies. The skeletons carried staves and the zombies carried tonfa. They seemed to be a well-trained and highly skilled regimen of ghoulish brutes.


Frankenstein: Urrrrrgh. Geeeeeeet. Theeeeeeeeeeeem.


The skeletons started doing ceremonious front-rolls and somersaults to impress and manufacture fear in the hearts of their enemies. The zombies started doing front-flips and back-flips! Then the heavily choreographed movements of the monsters grew in complexity as the skeletons bent onto their hands and knees and the zombies did cart-wheels and side-flips over the skeletons! It was quite magnificent.


Danny: Bloody. Bloody, bloody, bloody...BLEEDING.... bloody... bloody HELL. What in the full-fledged and full-throttled spinning world is actually going on here!?

Temptrina: I hope you can handle yourself in a fight, there, Danny. Looks like these bone-heads mean business!

Danny: I'm an old Merchant Marine, there madame... I have the salt of the sea running in my veins like coarse powdered salty iron! I am bleeding-through, through-and-through, tough! Tough as they come! A bulwark of Power!


Temptrina reached into her purse and pulled out an oriental bandana, the inscription was in Chinese, the insignia on the front of the garment translated to Kung Fu and she wrapped it around her forehead. She then took a black belt out of her purse and tied it around her waist. Lastly, she flung the purse over her right shoulder to act as an ad-hoc shoulder guard... then assumed a fighting stance which was as much intimidating as it was sexy.


Danny: Good show. Good show! A little karate shall teach these abdominal monsters some manners! Tally Ho!

Temptrina: Alright, Danny, it's show time. Are you familiar with the Palm of the Eightfold Trigrams?

Danny: The style practiced in Baguazhang prefecture? Why of course! Don't be silly, my dear. Frankly, however, and sadly... I only know the first three of the echelons of the Eightfold Trigrams related to mastery in practices of internal calm and palm striking. Sorry, my dear Temptrina.

Temptrina: Three levels of internal calm and mastery of palm striking will be more than enough for these scrubs. Let's stand back-to-back! I'll be the eyes in the back of your head!

Danny: ...and I'll be the eyes in the back of yours!


Danny and Temptrina leapt and landed next to each other in a back-to-back Kung Fu formation. The heat was definitely ON! The skeletons and zombies made their advance, encircling them, making feigned attacks to lower Danny and Temptrina's defense and break their Kung Fu formation... but it was to no avail. Our duo remained standing back-to-back with their hands ready to strike with tremendous chops!

The demons swung their staves and tonfa at the pair! Injuring and bruising their hands and wrists but Danny and Temptrina would not break formation!


Danny: Ow! Me wrist! That knobby skeleton banged me wrist with his damned staff!

Temptrina: This is bad, Danny. At this rate...

Danny: Begone foul creature!


Danny counter-attacked the skeleton who was swinging a staff, intercepted the attack with his hot hands of salty-iron, clutched it with the vigor of one hundred champions... and pulled the staff out of the boney hands of that no-good skeleton!

He flung it into the air, behind him, resumed his guard stance to parry the next blow... the staff came down... and Temptrina caught it with ease!


Danny: Nice catch, Temptrina.

Temptrina: Thanks, Danny... now it's my turn!


Temptrina swung the staff with the martial prowess of a truly-trained staff mistress! She has very very versed in the ways of pugilism and the use of light hand-to-hand weapons. Heads were rolling! Arms were flying! Bones and dead appendages were swirling around the room like a hurricane of body parts! Despite this, the zombies and skeletons would not stop! Even if missing an arm or even a head they continued their karate attacks on the pair.

Oh no! Temptrina's staff got hooked-up in one of the zombies tonfa! She couldn't swing it any longer. Yet, she outright refused to give up or to give in. She summoned the strength from deep inside her bosom and swung the staff upward! The tonfa flew out of the ugly zombie's rotting hands, high into the air, and when it came down... Danny leapt up and caught it!


Danny: Great show, babe! Now it's my turn to roll some heads around! Keeee-Ya! I'm gonna kick you lot right off of Mother Kelly's doorstep! Hiiiiiii-YA!

Temptrina: Just returning the favor, hun... oh... and don't call me babe.


Danny wielded the tonfa like a true stalwart in the art. Temptrina was still swinging the staff... they created a whirlwind of blows! Dust clouds were beginning to form at their feet! They were moving so fast! It was truly remarkable! Unfortunately it was to no avail as the monsters kept getting up even if missing arms, legs, hands, or heads.

Danny picked up a second tonfa and was now dual-wielding! Danny's cool, calm, and calculating mind just thought of something! He theorized that the monsters might be susceptible to some unique form of combination strike.


Danny: Temptrina! I shall constrain their movement with me trusty tonfas! I can get their bones and corpses hooked up with them, so they cannot move, and then you can hit them hard and often and turn them to dust!

Temptrina: Good idea! Great thinking, Danny. Gosh, you're so smart!

Danny: Thank you.


Danny parried, dodged, and then caught the next blow of a skeleton in his tonfas! He had the demon all hooked up! Good show! Temptrina wailed on the monster with her staff until it was not only dismembered but all that remained were tiny pieces of rag, bone, and dust. The skeleton was no more.


Danny: Jolly good. Jolly, jolly good. Now just another twenty or so more like that and we're scot-free!

Temptrina: Easy for you to say. You just have to hook 'em and hold 'em... I'm the one who has to do all the work! I'm sweating...ooof.

Danny: Let's switch! Hee-Yah!


Danny threw his tonfas into the air! Temptrina caught on to his plan and followed suit! She threw her staff high up into the air. They both came down...he caught her staff and she caught his tonfas.

They proceeded to employ their combination strike, as need be, anytime an attacker made a move on them and tried to break their back-to-back formation. They switched weapons between them as the staff attacker, who was doing more of the work, grew tired. All in all, it was a completely terrific stratagem they were employing.

Meanwhile, that evil Dracula, who referred to himself as the self-proclaimed "Great" Dracula was getting hot-under-the-cape! His skeleton henchmen and zombie goons were about to lose the engagement.


The Great Dracula: Oh no! This is not very good! How!? Why!? How can they!? You two! You two blundering Frankensteins! You will be the end of me, I'm telling you! You will be the actual end of me you two galoots! Retreat! Retreat!


The so-called Great Dracula and his two Frankenstein minions fled at a pell-mell rate! They retreated from the melee to live to fight another day!


The Great Dracula: You swine! You swine-like dogs! You swine-dogs, you! Mwa-ha-hahahahaha-HA-ha-HA! The last laugh, however, is always The Great Dracula's! For heed this, my lost little lambs, I shall make my way for the drawing room and devour the souls of your friends while you fight my expendable monsters that I don't even care about! I shall devour their souls like a spider devours helpless flies! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Frankenstein: Blllaaaaaargh.

Bride of Frankenstein: Bluuurragh.


Dracula and the Frankensteins fled! They made their way to the drawing room...


Temptrina: Damn! We have to go help them.... I have to save Richard.

Danny: You still have the ol' horn for the tramp?

Temptrina: What? Uh, no? He might be a cold-hearted tramp with trust issues but that doesn't mean I can just let his soul be devoured by some weird mixed-up Dracula!

Danny: There's only one skeleton left... let's end this quickly with one more combination strike and then make our way, with tremendous haste, to the drawing room, me lovely!

Temptrina: You got it, Dan. Let me do the honors, hun.

Danny: Fine by me, babe... oh... and don't call me hun.


Danny threw the staff into the air, as Temptrina threw the tonfas into the air... they landed in each others arms. Danny locked the final monster up in a terrific clutch-hold with the tonfas. Temptrina wound up and started swinging the staff! Whirlwind! She was kicking up small dust clouds with her momentum!

POW! BANG! CRACK! POW!

The skeleton was rendered into dust! They were victorious!


To Be Continued....


Meanwhile that evil Dracula turned into a bat and flew to the drawing room to greet the rest of his new guests!

What fate is to be bestowed on their souls? Read on and find out!

In the drawing room...

Without Danny around to mitigate emotional flare ups and to keep the conversation entertaining and on-track... the party had devolved into a battle for the love of Judith's fair heart. Richard and Lee were still one-upping gentle poetry about her charms into her precious ears.


Richard: You know, gentle Judith, if you were a flower you'd have to be a rose. A rose with perfect petals that was in full bloom all year round and...

Lee: Yeah, that's great... but, if you were a piece of classical symphony you'd definitely be Beethoven's ninth... your intelligence is...

Richard: If you were a movie you'd for sure be something really really really great like....uh....

Lee: ...The Wizard of Oz!

Richard: Yeah! Good one! That one.

Lee: ...?

Richard: ....

Judith: Where did Danny go?

Richard: I don't know. He's been under the weather. He's been acting very strange of late. He claims this house is haunted.

Judith: Haunted? How silly.


Just then a bat flew into the room!


Lee: A bat!?

Judith: Hideous creature! Foul thing!

Richard: Oh bollocks! A bat is a sure-fire way to ruin a splendid evening amongst friends. This shall put a damper on things. Oh rats!


The bat slowly turned into a man! A caped man with pale skin!


The Great Dracula: Welcome, dear guests, to my humble abode. I hope you are enjoying yourselves in my home.

Richard: ...!?

Lee: It's....it's....Dracula!

Judith: Oh my. Let's flee. Oh my!

The Great Dracula: You shall find all the doors bolted firmly. It's been many years since anyone has had the courage to live in this place. Isn't it odd that all the former residents died mysteriously?

Richard: Is this true, Judith? You think you could have told me that!

Judith: Uhhh.... it's true. It's just that I really had to make a sale or I'd lose my position at the agency... I may have left out a few teensy-tiny little details about this house. It's true... all the previous owners died under mysterious circumstances.

Lee: Oh, the teensy-tiny little piece of information... that everyone who lives here... dies!?

The Great Dracula: Dies, oh please, do not be silly... they are all still here. They live in my underground lair as loyal members of my army of human abominations! Mwahahahahahaha!


Dracula was beginning to eye Judith... he found her to be very beautiful.


The Great Dracula: Lady of the niiiiiiight... what sweet music your gentle voice makes.... you are like a fly... and I a spiiiiiiiiiiiii-der. Come to me!


Dracula waved his hand in a mysterious fashion. Judith lost all her mental faculties, her body went numb, her eyes glazed over... and she slowly walked into the waiting arms of The Great Dracula.

Lee and Richard: Judith! NO!

The Great Dracula: Judith, the realtor! Blagh!

He flashed his ghastly teeth at her!

The Great Dracula: You shall have the honor of becoming my one hundreth and first bride! Mwahaha-Ha-haha!

Judith: Yes, Dracula, The Great... I shall be yours for eternity...

Lee: Unhand her foulest villain!

Richard: She's under some sort of trance or an evil spell! How can this be!? Judith! JUDITH!


Meanwhile in the secret passage...Danny and Temptrina....


Danny: Damn! He turned into a bally bat! That wormy coward.

Temptrina: We have to hurry. We have to save them.

Danny: I know Lee knows a decent amount of cool moves but I'm not sure about Richard's fighting capabilities. Does he know any good karate?

Temptrina: I wouldn't really call it karate... he knows some Irish pub fighting moves and has some pretty powerful kicks. He's fairly strong. Lee has some moves?

Danny: Oh yes. Those rings 'aint just for show, babe. If Dracula's not careful he might bally-well end up with a face covered in pianos. Those diamond-encrusted piano-shaped rings pack a punch n' a half! What is Richard's finishing strike?

Temptrina: Don't call me babe. His main finisher? It's the Tramp's Lariat. A powerful leaping lariat that can do some pretty hefty damage.....honey.

Danny: I'm not your honey! The Tramp's Lariat? Sounds pretty powerful... I can't wait to see it. We're almost there.


They arrived in the drawing room! They saw Lee and Richard in full battle stance and Judith clasped inside the evil arms of that no-good Dracula!


Temptrina: Richard!

Richard: ....Temptrina!?

Danny: Lee!

Lee: Danny!? It's you! Thank goodness! A Dracula has my Judith!

Richard: Your Judith!? She's MY Judith!

Temptrina: She's YOUR Judith? We've been broken-up for only, like, a few weeks... and you have a new lady?

Danny: Ladies and gentlemen! Can we please focus on the matter at hand? It doesn't matter who's Judith she is or is not... the important thing is she's in the evil clutches of this murderous Dracula! We must help her!

Dracula: Sorry, but, my bride and myself must commence our trist in the privacy of my bed chambers. Come now... my children of the night! Attack them!


A group of vicious evil wolves jumped through the doorway from behind The Great Dracula. They were undead monster wolves with rabies! Dracula, with the fairest Judith clutched in his arms, fled the drawing room back into his underground lair of deceit and of treachery.

The wolves teeth were long and sharp! Their eyes were blood red! They were carnivorous man-eaters ready to strike! There must have been half-a-dozen-or-so of them!


Danny: Temptrina! First formation! Let's give these wolves a little taste of our Whirlwind Mixer.

Temptrina: Great idea, Danny!

Lee: Sounds like a nice light cocktail that would really hit the spot right about now. I'd love a Whirlwind Mixer. Does it have vermouth?

Danny: It's not a drink, you silly goose... it's me n' lady Temptrina's new powerful combination strike!

Richard: Wait...Temptrina... you and Danny have a combination attack... the two of you? Together?

Temptrina: Yeah.


Richard grew insane with anger and jealousy. His two fists balled up like a man overcome by pure rage. How can she have a combination attack with someone... else? He realized that he was still madly and very badly in love with her. He loved Temptrina and was insane with jealousy that her and Danny had such great chemistry together... enough so to form a combination attack.

Richard: Temptrina... we are no longer together... and you are not welcome in my home. Why are you here, anyways?

Danny: She forgot her purse and notebook here. I helped her look for it when we were overtaken by skeletons and zombies.

Temptrina: Our emotional baggage will have to be dealt with at a later time, Richard, my love...uh... I mean... regular old for-sure-not-my-man Richard. For now we have to deal with these ghoulish wolves and save that real estate agent... oh sorry... YOUR real estate agent.

Lee: She has a name, you know! The gentle and fairest Judith!

Temptrina: Oh Judith, Shmudith! Come on, honey, let's give one of these wolves a little Whirlwind Mix!

Danny: Good thinking, babe.

Richard: .......Honey!? Babe!?


One of the wolves made the mistake of being the first to try and draw blood. Danny caught it, hooked it up in his tonfas... Temptrina proceeded to swing her staff so fast that wind swept through the room, hob nobs and tea cakes were flying everywhere... as well as the wolf! It was dismembered and rendered into a pile of dust, bone, and tooth.


Temptrina: Oooof. I'm all sweaty now.

Richard: You're sooooo hot sometimes, Temptrina.

Temptrina: Hmmph. Come on, Dan, let's switch up. I'll hook the next wolf and you can wail on it!

Danny: Great show, Temptrina.


They switched weapons with a ceremonious tossing of them upwards and leaping to catch them. Danny and Temptrina started on a second evil wolf.

Meanwhile Richard wanted to impress Temptrina and began fighting a wolf on his own. Lee, joined the flow too, selecting a prime monster wolf to attack.

The danger was palpable! Where was that no-good Dracula and what did he have in mind for our fairest Judith?


To Be Continued....


Richard kicked the wolf in the stomach with a tremendous blow! It shot up into the air! He charged up his Tramp's Lariat! The wolf was coming back towards the ground!


Richard: .....Tramp's Lariat!


Pow! He caught the wolf by the neck on its way down with a stunning Irish Clothesline! The wolf hit the ground with a tremendous force and the wolf's undead head...exploded!


Danny: Wow! Great show! That's another wolf down.

Richard: The second that zombie wolf took a glance at me... it bought itself a one-way ticket to the pet cemetery!

Lee: There's only three left... and this one's all mine!


Lee balled up both his fists which were covered in diamond-encrusted piano-shaped rings. He began wailing on the undead wolf. It tried to break off its attack and turn tail and run but it was far too late for this evil wolf. Lee gave it a light jab with his left hand... it sent that bad wolf into a daze... he looked down at his right fist...


Lee: I hope you're ready for my Discus Piano Punch... you evil beast!

Danny: I love this move, Lee! The delicate balance of sophistication and skill... it's truly an exquisite finisher.


Lee gave the slobbering rabies-ridden beast a couple more fast-lefts, covering the beast with imprints of pianos! When he felt his back-foot was steady enough he bounced in the air, with a slight but exact one-eighty spin, and connected with the wolf's fangs with his wonderful Discus Piano Punch.

The wolf's head exploded!


Danny: Still got it, old boy!

Lee: Once you get it... you never really do ever lose it, Danny boy! Look out! To your left!


Danny shot a hard glance to his peripheral left... a dastardly rabid undead wolf was lunging at his neck with its mouth wide open! It's fangs were about to sink into his flesh!

Thankfully, the agile Temptrina, caught it her tonfas!


Temptrina: You got anything left, Dan? Come on, smash this wild feral beast to dust!

Danny: Tally ho n' good show, my dear. Here goes.


Wham! Smack! Bam! He smashed that feral monster into smithereens with a few dozen strikes of his staff.


Temptrina: Four down... one to go!

Lee: Wow, madame... you're a total pro!

Danny: Oh yes, indeed! One more undead foe!

Richard: Whoa.


They encircled the final hellish beast in a circle. It had no where to run!


Lee: Hey, Rich. I know we've had our differences but we simply can't let these two have all the fun, can we? How about we try something?

Richard: A combination attack, mate?

Lee: Oh, indeed. I'll soften this beast up with some quick-lefts, slap some pianos on 'em, then when its dazed from my jabs... kick 'em high up into the air like a hairy undead hot-air balloon. Then before it hits the ground...

Richard: Tramp's Lariat?

Lee: No, I'll handle this hell-beast. Before it hits the ground... I'll give this dirty cerberus a hard Discus Piano!

Richard: Aye, mate.


Lee leapt towards the monster! It snarled at our favorite pianist with its ravenous fangs and glared at him with its blood-soaked pupils! Lee jabbed it, so fast, in the face with lefts! The jabs covered the beast with markings of exquisite pianos! The beast was dazed from the onslaught!


Lee: Now, matey!

Richard: Aye!


Richard gave it a powerful upward kick around its abdomen area. The monster flew into the sky! It was on its way back down...


Lee: Discuuuuuuuuuus..... Piaaaaaanooooooooooo...... PUNCH!


The wolf was struck right in its evil mouth! Its face exploded into dust, tooth, and jowl. It was incredible. What a remarkable blow.


Danny: Wow! Jolly great attack, old man! You didn't even get any jowly bits on your clothes!

Lee: Thanks Danny. My outfit is worth a small fortune... I must take care not to ruin it.

Richard: That was a raring romp, it was! It was! Really brings out the rosiness of one's cheeks... a great raring romp like that.

Lee: You can say that again, Richard. Ooof... I'm parched and boy are my cheeks rosy! Hahahaha!

Danny: Hahahahahahaahahahahahahaha!

Richard: Hahahahahahaha!


Oh how they laughed and laughed and laughed! They laughed very heartily. Oh how these three great friends laughed. Oh, they were great friends, indeedement.


Temptrina: You boys sure are getting along.

Richard: Temptrina!

Temptrina: That was a pretty good Tramp's Lariat, Richard. It looked pretty cool.


Richard blushed and shyly looked at the ground. Her compliment warmed his heart like a warm, warm, warm wine. Her words touched his heart ever so deeply. He couldn't help it. He just could not. He could not keep his feelings for her buried deeply inside the catacombs of his heart any longer. He couldn't help but take all of his old forgotten dreams out of the closet.

To put them on.

He had found his crumbling crown.

... and guess what? It was right where he left it.

His love for her might've been buried and he might have tried to cover it up with other feelings... but somewhere deep inside the dark and shadowy interior of his heart... his love for her burned brightly. A flame of passion that could never truly be extinguished.


Richard: Temptrina...?

Temptrina: Yes, Richard?

Richard: I'm sorry... I am truly sorry... that I hatched up a hair-brained scheme to acquire a haunted mansion to scare you into breaking up with me because...

Lee: Now's not the time for forgiveness. You two can re-kindle your lost love and attempt to re-gather all your thread-bare hopes and dreams together like a bunch of dusty diamonds... later!

Danny: Lee's absolutely right, me lovelies! Aren't we forgetting something... or some One, rather?

Richard: Judith!

Temptrina: .....

Lee: Let us make haste!


Danny led the way to the mural room, through the secret passage, and back into the banquet hall. They ran like the wind at a pell-mell rate to catch up with that murderous blood-sucker Dracula!

They arrived in the banquet hall, once again, these eerie torches illuminated it up nicely. Lee was impressed by the room's decor.


Lee: I have to hand it to this Dracula. He may be a hideous fiend but... my goodness... does he have splendid taste in interior decor! The two staircases leading up to a mezzanine with a self-portrait of himself? Exquisite. Candelabras? I've always said... you can never go wrong with candelabras.

Danny: Oh yes. You always do say that, yes.

Lee: Oh and a piano? I'll have to give it a look. Sorry, I'll only be a moment.

Richard: There's no time!

Lee: Oh, it's a grand. Nice... oh! It's... I know this piano!

Temptrina: You do?

Lee: Yes, I wouldn't mistake this for another piano under any circumstances. It's an Enescu! This is the piano Georges Enescu played in his very first concerto in France. It's... priceless.

Danny: Just another reason to dislike this vile Dracula.

Lee: Tell me about it! For a priceless antique as this to be in the possession of a monster like him? It's a true tragedy is what it is, Danny. A true tragedy! We must defeat this fiend and free this treasure from his evil clutches!

Richard: We can save the repossessing of priceless pianos from Dracula's lair for AFTER we drive a wooden stake through his ghastly still-beating heart!

Lee: You're absolutely, correct, Richard. My apologies.

Temptrina: Both of you sure forgot about your little real estate bird pretty fast. Men! Ugh.


Just then two dirty little ghosts gently appeared before them. It was Dorothy and Charlie.


Danny: Hey, me little ghosties. Don't worry, we have that Dracula on the ropes. He'll be buried in a bally ditch soon enough, kiddos.

Dorothy: Oh thank you ever so much! We will finally be able to go to Heaven!

Charlie: Oh! We will finally be able to see our mum n' dad.

Temptrina: About that... um... Dracula turned them into Frankensteins. We don't know, what will happen.... if they stand in our way... we... we'll... have to...

Dorothy: We know they are abominations... but... once you destroy Dracula... I'm sure their souls shall fly free from his evil clutches.

Charlie: They will! Surely, they will!


Lee and Richard could now hear and see the apparitions. Before their hearts were not pure enough but now they were. It seems when Lee and Richard preformed a combination attack together... their hearts grew three sizes at that moment.


Richard: You were right, Danny, old man. This bloody well is a bloody haunted house, after all.

Lee: Sorry for doubting you Danny. Oh you poor little lost souls. You must be so scared and lonely.

Charlie: Me mum n' me dad are Frankensteins, they are! Me wee heart is torn squarely in two, it is!

Richard: Oh, my boy. My precious boy. How could that Dracula spoil your little dreams and put you through hell like this? He must be stopped... we must destroy The Great Dracula!

Lee: Let me play a little song on this Enescu Grand piano for you two little angels. Just maybe it'll cheer you two up a little. Any requests?


Lee walked over to the piano, sat on the well-upholstered velvet stool, lit the candelabra atop the piano....


Dorothy: Can you play chopsticks!?

Charlie: Chopsticks!? Are you daft!? Choose something that's more better!

Dorothy: Please, Mister!? Pretty please? Could you.... could you play chopsticks?

Lee: For you, my precious little angel... here is... Chopsticks.


Lee began to play. Da, da, da, duh, duh, duh, dah...

Everyone except Dorothy's eyes rolled. They should be saving Judith not playing requests for ghost children, the others thought to themselves. Then all of a sudden, Lee kicked it up a notch or three! His version of chopsticks morphed into a boogie-woogie! It was great!


Temptrina: Wow!

Danny: I simply love when he does this!

Richard: Not bad, not bad... not bad at all...

Charlie: I'm sorry I doubted you me sis.

Dorothy: It's okay! Wow... he's amazing! Oh my gosh. Wowie.

Lee: Oh thank you!


Lee finished the last note and the audience gave him a standing ovation. They roared like a lion!

But lo, oh no! All of a sudden two great big galoots busted down the door under the portrait of Dracula and standing on the grand mezzanine... was two Frankensteins! Oh no! What fate shall befall our gentle heroes!?

To Be Continued...



Chapter 5
Danny's Clever Ruse

A male and female Frankenstein blocked the doorway for them to progress any further and find Dracula's bed chambers of deceit and deception.

The two Frankenstein's saw their children's ghosts but didn't recognize them. This made Dorothy and Charlie begin to burst out into tears of eternal sadness. Seeing the children's ghosts cry over their parents becoming soulless monsters filled Richard with an uncontrollable rage that was about boil over!

Richard lunged up the first stairwell to the left! Temptrina was overcome with passion seeing her former-man charge up the stairs at the Frankensteins. She followed suit and charged up the right staircase.

Richard was on the top of the stairs on the left hand side of the mezzanine ready to engage the male Frankenstein and Temptrina was on the opposite side prepared to engage with the female Frankenstein.


Charlie: No please don't fight!

Richard: We have no choice. They are impeding our will to advance and route-out Dracula.

Dorothy: We understand. Please be careful.

Frankenstein: Blaaaargh!

Bride of Frankenstein: Bluuuuuuargh!

Temptrina: I'm sorry but there's no other choice.

Lee: What should we do, Danny? If you boost me up on your shoulders... I can climb up the mezzanine, right in the center, and storm through the door while the Frankensteins's attentions are diverted. I can rescue the fair maiden, Judith, from the evil clutches of Dracula.

Danny: No, I'll go, Lee. You hoist me up there on your shoulders. Trust me, here, I have a bally-good plan, old man!

Lee: Alright, I'll trust you, Danny. Please be safe.

Danny: Temptrina, I need your purse.

Temptrina: What? Why?

Danny: Trust me, babe.

Temptrina: Umm... okay, hun. Just don't read my notebook. It's... it's personal.


Temptrina, swung her purse off of her shoulder that she was using as an ad-hoc shoulder guard. She tossed it with great accuracy and precision to Danny... who caught it with great ease.

Danny reached into his pocket and pulled out a blonde wig, the same Richard used to deceive Temptrina at La Potate de la Creme. He put it on. Next, he dug into Temptrina's gorgeous black suede purse. Danny made sure not to look into her notebook out of respect for her wishes... he pulled out her make-up kit, turned around so he was no longer facing anyone, and applied makeup to his visage.

He turned back around... when Temptrina saw Danny in the blonde wig she added two-and-two together to make four. She now knew it was that snake Richard wearing that blonde wig at the bistro... but she kept it to herself as there were more importanter matters at hand. Namely, engaging in a duel with a female Frankenstein.

Temptrina: Danny! Izzat you!? You look HOT.

Danny: Danny? Who's Danny? The only other lady I see in this room, other than yourself and the Bride of Frankenstein... is famed European super model... Francesca Fameux.

Richard: ...

Lee: Alright I'll give you a boost up the center of the staircases and up onto the mezzanine.

Danny jumped onto Lee's shoulders and then leapt up and latched his hands onto the guardrail. He ran right passed and through the center of the Frankensteins and made his way through another, new, hallway.

Richard, Temptrina, and Lee saluted our brave lone soldier who was storming past enemy lines to rescue their captured comrade. Danny truly was a brave man.

Now, dressed as a very gorgeous lady, he was planning on infiltrating The Great Dracula's bed chambers and extracting the fairest maiden Judith from his den of despair.

Trouble is... the mansion was as dark as a cavernous pit. No light at all.


Danny: This damned mansion is as dark as a bally cavernous pit, it is!

Dorothy: Mister! It's me, Dorothy! The bed chambers are to the right and then forward. It's a big red door.

Danny: Oh good, thanks me little ghostie, you are so helpful!

Dorothy: Danny, be on your lookout! This mansion is full of sentinels and guards who protect Dracula!

Danny: Will do, will do. Now, cheerio... I'm off.


Danny progressed to the right of the first intersection. He heard the footsteps of a skeletal watchman. He quickly hid behind the wall so the skeleton could not see him and made no noise. When the skeleton passed by and was out of sight... Danny ran down the hallway to the next intersection.

Oh no! This way had multiple zombies guarding any way by it. He didn't want to fight them and alert Dracula that an intruder was making his way to his bed chambers. He panicked and then whispered Dorothy's name.


Danny: Dorothy....

Dorothy: I'm right here, Mister. I was just concealed in the darkness.

Danny: Being a ghost has its advantages, doesn't it? You don't make any noise and can hide from sight. I can't go down this hallway there's too many guards. I see the red door... I'm so close. Is there any alternate routes? You've been hiding in the lair undetected for many decades... you must know of an alternate route, me lovely little ghostie-whostie.

Dorothy: Me n' Charlie use the chimney ducts, we do. The main fireplace heats the whole grand house through heating ducts in the ceilings, it does. If you proceed back from whence you came and then go down the left hallway... you can access the ladder to the main heating duct.

Danny: Heating ducts!? You expect the most famous super model in all of Europe, Francesca Fameux, to crawl through some bally heating ducts like some chimney sweep!? Bloody!

Dorothy: It is the only way, Mister. Pretty please!?

Danny: Alright, alright. Uncle Dan will crawl through some bally heating ducts... alright, alright.

Dorothy: Thank you ever so much!

Danny: Oh, bother.


Danny backtracked back from the way he came. He almost forgot about the first skeletal guard... but then his instincts shot up and he quickly dove behind the wall and calmed his breathing.

He made no noise at all.

The skeletal guard walked by him, the other way this time, and Danny ran down the left corridor of the intersection this time around. He arrived at a ladder. He didn't waste time... he climbed the ladder, removed the heating grate, very carefully as to not make a sound... then proceeded into the chimney ducts.

He crawled through them like a dirty rat. It was awful and he hated every second of it but fortunately he was an old Merchant Marine and not claustrophobic. He crawled to an intersection then whispered to his ghost guide to hail her psychic frequency to guide him.


Danny: Dorothy, Dorothy...

Dorothy: It's left at this juncture. Then right... then you'll see another grate. That one will bring you right down into the bed chambers. You're so brave, Mister Danny.

Danny: I'm an ex-soldier. I was in the last war... so I'm not new to this type of thing.

Dorothy: Blimey. I hope you can save your friend. She seemed nice.

Danny: Nice? She lied to us about this house. She knew fully-bally bloody-damned well that it was haunted. It's a blasted Dracula's lair... it's a Haunted House's Haunted House... and she knew it the whole entire time. The reason she couldn't see you little angels like me self and lady Temptrina could... is that her heart and soul are blinded by evil. That's probably why The Great Dracula put her under a trance so bally easily. To call her my friend... is not accurate.

Dorothy: Oh.

Danny: This mission reminds me of the Faulkland islands. Our navel vessel was dispatched from the region to the subantarctic coast of Antarctica. We were to infiltrate a German army base and destroy a high ranking general. I was the only one who made it out alive... and it was only because I was dressed like this... otherwise I would've been killed in action as well.

Dorothy: Did you manage to get the high ranking general?

Danny: I got to his private chambers, I got to him, yes. But...

Dorothy: But...what?

Danny: Ultimately, I failed the mission. I was so close... I had him! I failed. In the end... I failed. I never truly forgave myself.

Dorothy: Oh.

Danny: I lost me best mate on that failed mission...but, don't worry me little ghostie! I don't plan on failing this time! I'm a more calculated and cunning man than I was back in the Faulkland islands. Dracula's days are numbered... trust me on this.

Dorothy: You are a brave man, Mister Dan. You are truly a brave brave man... Mister Dan.


To Be Continued....



Danny crawled over an air vent that was right above Dracula's deceitful and treacherous bed chambers! He heard two voices.


The Great Dracula: Come my dear, drink this wine! Blagh!

Judith: Are you sure it's wine? It looks thick? Are you positive it's not blood?

The Great Dracula: Of course it's not blood.... it's red wine! Now have some.

Judith: Um....alright.


Danny had to act fast... Dracula was trying to get Judith to drink blood and become a fiend of the night. He opened the air vent and gently lowered himself, very gracefully, into the room.


Danny: Oh, I finally found you, Judith! You were gone with this fella so long... I thought something may have gone awry. Is everything alright?

Judith: Um....


The Great Dracula was surprised, at first, by this uninvited guest that just fell through his bed chamber ceiling but after taking one look... he marveled... and he fell madly and passionately in love! He was so taken by this new guest that he didn't even care how strangely they arrived in his room.


The Great Dracula: You... you are so gorgeous! I want to suck your blood! Blagh! What is your name my dear?

Danny: My name is Francesca Fameux... I'm the biggest super model in all of Europe! You've never heard of me? What's your name, sweetie?

The Great Dracula: I am none other than The Great Dracula! I don't really get out very much these days. I spend a lot of time resting in my cozy coffin. Forgive me for not knowing of your fame.

Danny: It's perfectly fine, Drackie-baby. Is this your bedroom? Ooooh how wonderful. I love what you've done in here. The gothic motif really suits you. Damn, you are one sexy man... me Drackie-baby!

The Great Dracula: How about some wine, my ravenous beauty?

Judith: Oh, I'd like some, my eternal master.

The Great Dracula: I wasn't talking to you, there, Judith plain and tall! I'm done with you! I've moved on to greater desires! I'm over you! Blagh! You are Yesterday! Francesca is Today!


The Great Dracula re-waved his hand in a mysterious fashion which broke the trance over Judith!


Judith: You... you're breaking up with me!? But... wait... Oh my goodness! What just happened!? What's going on!?

Danny: Looks like a wonderful man like me Drackie-baby prefers high class women of excellence and not tall, plain, bland, ugly, compulsively-lying buffoons like you... Judith. Now, would you leave us? Me n' me man want to be... alone.

The Great Dracula: Yes, you are no longer my one hundredth and first bride-to-be, Judith. I have found someone better! Now, see yourself out. Don't cry... sometimes things just don't work out and... blah, blah, blagh, blagh, blagh... okay, go now. Begone, dullest Judith, begone.

Danny: Judith, old gal, take the scenic route... it's to die for. I'll boost you up to the air vent here. It shall take you out of here.

Judith: Uh, okay.


Judith didn't know what was going on but listened to this gorgeous lady's advice, climbed into the air vent, listened carefully to her directions, and made her escape from Dracula's clutches. Now, Danny was finally alone with this evil Dracula...


The Great Dracula: Some fine wine, lovely Francesca?

Danny: Oh thank you, baby.


The evil Dracula poured Danny some very thick red wine that was quite obviously human blood. Danny pretended to knock some back, but looked to when Dracula tossed his head back to knock his blood shot down... and then Danny threw the blood into a nearby blood bucket. He emptied the glass but didn't even consume a drop!


The Great Dracula: How was it? Did you like it? Mwahahahahahaha! Now you are a Dracula, like me, for eternity! Mwahahaha-HA-ha-HA! We shall make love now! Blagh!

Danny began to put on a terrific acting performance!

Danny: Oh! The thick... rich... red liquid... I can feel it coursing through my veins. Oh yes! I am surely very-much becoming a bally bally bad evil Dracula right as we speak! I can feel the evil inside of me like a cold winter's storm. It is consuming me! I am... I am... now... A DRACULA! BLAGH!

The Great Dracula: That's it! Let the evil consume thee, Francesca Fameux! You are mine... FOREVER! Now come to the bed and let's start doing it!

Danny: That's not very romantic, Drackie-baby! Now, close your eyes, you sexy-sexy man. I'm going to get very bucked naked for you!

The Great Dracula: Mwahahaha! Oh yes! Oh that's right! Yes, yes!


This dopey Dracula went and sat on the bed expecting to very soon see a naked lady right in front of him! Yet, our trusty Danny had other plans for this evil Dracula. As soon as Dracula sat on the bed and closed his evil eyes... Danny pulled out his trusty tonfas... and started punching Dracula about the genital region!


The Great Dracula: Ow! Ouch! Oh no! Ouch! What!? Why!? NO! NOOO! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!

Danny: Take this! And that! And THAT! Oh, and one of THESE!

POW! POW! POW! POW!



Meanwhile in the Banquet Room...

To Be Continued.........


In the Banquet Room, Richard's heart was overwhelmed! His hatred for The Great Dracula, mixed with standing across the mezzanine and seeing the woman he loved again... his emotions were a torrent. His emotions were a tempest!

He looked at Lee, guarding the chimney-sweeps like a sentinel... like a stone golem. He looked into Charlie and Dorothy's sullen eyes. Horror! Oh the horror! He felt every single emotion that there is to feel all at the same time! He was OVERWHELMED!

He was about to lose control... but he did not. He composed his torrent of emotions and began playing a song in his mind's eye. A song to calm him down... but also to get him pumped for the fight with Frankenstein!

He closed his eyes tightly. The song he played in his mind and in his heart was a lengthy, instrumental, orchestral, well-written, well-preformed, and almost-unnecessary arrangement. It was truly grand and it was a tune to keep his emotions in balance.*

Richard charged towards the monster! He kicked Frankenstein right in the belly! The galoot tumbled back... it angered Frankenstein greatly!

Temptrina began her duel with the other Frankenstein shortly after. The Bride of Frankenstein attacked but Temptrina blocked the strikes with her staff. The female Frankenstein, nextly, warmed up a power attack but telegraphed it with unnecessary movements which tipped Temptrina off on how to defend against it. The Bride of Frankenstein then went on the defensive and put up her guard... it was Temptrina's turn.

She side-flipped away from the monster and onto the center of the mezzanine. On the other end of the mezzanine, while his monster was recovering from his powerful kick, Richard also leapt to the center of the mezzanine. Temptrina grabbed Richard's hand. Richard grabbed Temptrina's hip! He spun her around like a sultry tango! He released her after building up enough momentum and threw her into the Bride of Frankenstein! She extended her leg towards the monster! Her tight black dress rose slightly... exposing her ample thigh. Her high heeled shoe connected with the Bride of Frankenstein's belly... and the monster tumbled down the right staircase!


Lee: Wow! Oh wow... and I thought Danny and Temptrina had great fighting chemistry. These two are completely terrific together!

Dorothy: Mommy!


The ghost child ran towards the monster! She threw her arms around the Bride of Frankenstein.


Bride of Frankenstein: Bluuuuuuuaaaaaargh???

Dorothy: Mommy! It's me Dorothy! Please stop fighting my friends! Please! Pretty please!?


Something inside of the Bride of Frankenstein snapped! Her abominable heart, or what was left of it, broke right into two! She opened her eyes wide and it felt like the first time she had opened them in decades! She recognized her lovely daughter!

Bride of Frankenstein: Bluuuaaarrrh.... Dooo......roooooo.....thy?

Dorothy: Yes, mommy! It's me! It's me! I love you, mommy!

Bride of Frankenstein: I'm.... bluuuargh....I am... Abigail.


When Frankenstein heard his wife say her own name... something inside of him broke. It felt like a great knot in his heart was being untied. He looked down at his hand, it was holding his belly from where Richard kicked it... but the pain in Frankenstein's belly was now nothing compared to the pain that was inside of his heart! He had a heart! He could FEEL it! Frankenstein could feel his heart once anew!

Frankenstein: Abigaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail. Abigail....

Bride of Frankenstein: Arthur...

Charlie: Mum! DAD!

Frankenstein: Chaaaaaaaarlie. Doooorooooooothy. Abigail. I.... am....Arthur!


Richard lowered his guard. He saw something in his enemies eyes. He could no longer attack him for Frankenstein no longer had the eyes of a monster... he now possessed the eyes of a man. He gave Frankenstein a thumbs up. Frankenstein gave Richard a thumbs up.

The Bride of Frankenstein put her arms around her dear children. Her spirit escaped her decaying body, or what was left of her body... and a beautiful lady ghost was now hugging her children.


Abigail: Dorothy, Charlie... it's time to go... we have somewhere we need to be. We must be going, now.


The sweet children held onto their dear mother's soft dress as she began ascending upwards. Their ordeal was finally, after all these decades, their ordeal was at an end. They looked at Frankenstein, their father, who was facing the doorway under the painting of The Great Dracula, his fists were clenched.


Charlie: Father! Aren't you coming with us? We can finally be a family again!

Frankenstein: No. I can't. I....

Dorothy: ....

Frankenstein: Druuuuuuaaaaaacuuuuula. Muuuuuuuuuuuuust. Die.



To Be Continued....


Stay tuned for Chapter 6: Frankenstein VS. Dracula!!!

*(Suggested Musical Accompaniment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQ2QCCbO4Ug&t=4m40s)



Chapter 6
Frankenstein VS. Dracula!!!


Frankenstein lumbered down the hall way like a great big galoot! He was throwing around zombies and skeletal guards like they were nothing but rag dolls! He passed right by Judith who was fleeing Dracula's lair... and didn't even say "Hi" or anything at all to her. Frankenstein had only one thing on his mind and that was destroying The Great Dracula.

Judith ran into the Banquet Hall, screaming, she was very scared. Lee and Richard didn't even acknowledge her entrance. They both, were no longer in love with her, in fact... they both hated her now.

Temptrina broke the awkward yet pregnant pause.


Temptrina: Hey Judith, I'm Temptrina.

Judith: Oh...hi.

Richard: Judith...

Lee: ....you've got a heck of a lot of explaining to do!


Meanwhile in Dracula's lair, this dumb Dracula, was so upset because what he thought was a sexy lady had turned out to be nothing but a man. Danny's wig had fallen off whilst he was pummeling Dracula's nutsack with his tonfas. To say The Great Dracula was upset about this is actually quite an understatement. He was very upset over this.

The Great Dracula: Ow, oooh. Ouch. Ooooof. I... I can't walk. Who....who are you foulest villain?

Danny: Name's Dan. Now en guard Drackie-baby! Get ready to fight.

The Great Dracula: My skeletons are all outside... ooof... ooooh my groin.... I can't fight right now.

Danny: I'm an honorable man, Dracula, I shall give you ten seconds to prepare before I commence my first round of attacks.

The Great Dracula: Ten? MwahahahaHAHA! I will only need FIVE! BLAGH!


The Great Dracula, recovered from Danny's attack about his genital region. He kicked up something from the floor. It was a blood-covered Scythe! It looked like it weighed at least 34 catties of weight or well over fifty pounds. It was a very difficult weapon to wield skillfully due to how heavy it was.

Dracula made some ceremonial swings with the Scythe to impress and strike fear inside of Danny's pure heart!


Danny: Seems like you have some pretty tough nuts to crack, Drackie. I sure did a number on them. Oh well... I'd be lying to myself if I thought defeating you would be that easy! En guard, foulest monster!

The Great Dracula: I don't need girly-men like you in my army of abominations! I shall be-head you with my Great Scythe! Yet it would be too fitting a death for the likes of you! I should feed you to my wolves!

Danny: Sorry, Drack, but those bloody beasts are a pile of bone n' tooth. We bally-well destroyed them.

The Great Dracula: My children of the night! What sweet music their howlings made! It was music to my ears! My wolves's howlings helped me fall asleep inside of my coffin many a lonely night! YOU SHALL PAY! YOU SHALL DIE! BLAGH!


He flashed his teeth at Danny! 

Dracula swung his Scythe at Danny's neck to be-head our favorite hero! Danny jumped to his side to evade the attack! Dracula, the great, swung again from a reverse angle! Danny parried with his tonfa! The tonfa split right in two! The Scythe cut through the wooden tonfa like it was butter! The Scythe lost momentum right before hitting Danny's neck!

Danny knew he couldn't defeat this no-good evil Dracula one-on-one.


Danny: Is this the end? Is this really my final performance? Am I really to meet my maker in a bally Dracula's lair by getting me head lopped-off with a bloody Scythe?

The Great Dracula: Oh yes! It is! This will teach you to never again punch Dracula in the testicles! BLAGH!


Danny gave up... there was no way to win. He lowered his guard to accept defeat and began mentally preparing for what the after-life had in store for him... but wait... just then... Frankenstein bursted through the door! The red door was smashed into red-varnished splinters!


Frankenstein: Bllllaaaaarrrrgh!

The Great Dracula: Frankenstein? Where have you been you gigantic galoot? I have many problems that I need you to help me solve you half-witted bloated idiot!


Frankenstein lunged at Dracula with full force! He shoulder-tackled the villain! The Great Dracula flew backwards into the wall! BANG!


Danny: What in the bloody hell? What a powerful attack!

Frankenstein: This is my fiiiiiiight. BLARGH.

Danny: Oh yes, I see. Yes... well, Franky, I'll be on my merry way then. Tata, Drackie-baby... I sure wish we could do this again sometime... I bally-well enjoyed mashing your potatoes.

The Great Dracula: Why you! You swine! You pig dog! You canine pig! SWINE!


Dracula collected himself from Frankenstein's attack and lunged towards Danny! His grand Scythe was wound up and aimed at Danny's neck! Frankenstein caught him mid-lunge! Dracula was dumbfounded by Frankenstein's strength. Frankenstein, with only one-arm, choke-slammed Dracula onto the floor of his villainous bed chambers!

Danny made a pell-mell scurry through the broken red wooden door. He escaped! Frankenstein was only getting started... the great galoot readied his gigantic elbow and dropped it on Dracula while Dracula was on the ground. The elbow landed right on Dracula's chest! Recently drank blood started gurgling out of Dracula's mouth!

Frankenstein stood up... readied his elbow anew... and dropped it on Dracula's chest a second time! Dracula was now shooting regurgitated blood out of his mouth like a fountain!


The Great Dracula: Blllllllaaaaaaaagh! Cough! Cough! Hack! Hack! Brack! Cough! Blagh!


He continued to spew blood all over his bed chambers. It was a mess!

Just then, that sniveling coward Dracula, yelled for his armies of ghouls and monsters! Many skeletons and zombies heeded the call to action! They ran from nearby rooms in the lair and assembled outside of Dracula's bed chambers. Frankenstein looked behind him... he had to take care of these henchmen before he could focus on his vengeance.

The army of monsters had barbed hooks on their staves this time! The barbed hooks embedded their talons into Frankenstein's arms and legs as they attacked him. He couldn't move! Dracula seized the opportunity!


The Great Dracula: Die Frankenstein! Die!


He raised the Scythe and lowered it on Frankenstein's forearm! The limb came right off! Frankenstein bllarghed in total agony! It was awful! Oh the humanity! Oh the horror of it all! His arm was now disconnected from his body! Frankenstein couldn't do a thing as the barbed hooks from the staves were tightly lodged into his body. He couldn't do anything but let this horrible Dracula carve him up!

Dracula did the same to Frankenstein's other arm! He severed it whole with his Scythe. Some of the barbed hooks came out with the arm and a few of the monsters lost their balance and fell... taking out the balance of other monsters as they fell unto them. Frankenstein burst free from their clutches but now had no arms! Only legs!

Frankenstein lunged and head butted Dracula in the noggin! Dracula's head was dented!


The Great Dracula: Ow!


Frankenstein realized he had no arms and could not preform his powerful finisher, the Reversed German Suplex, on Dracula... but he still had those powerful legs! He kicked Dracula's ankles and the evil villain fell to the floor! Frankenstein acted fast! He twisted up Dracula's legs and cinched-in the Figure Four! Frankenstein arched his back and pushed off of his own powerful skull to apply pressure to the hold! This dopey Dracula simply could only... wail in agony!

The monsters hit Frankenstein with barbed staves and tried to latch-on and pull him off... but the hold was triangled perfectly. Wild horses couldn't pull Frankenstein out of this figure-four leg-lock he had cinched-on Dracula. It was a perfect hold!

Dracula knew his immortal time on this world was coming to a close. He cursed Frankenstein a lot and told him he very badly hated him!


The Great Dracula: You stinking big oaf! Let go of my legs! Let me go! You simply have to let me go! I... oooouch... my legs! Ow... my leg.


Dracula realized he had arms but Frankenstein did not. He started to push his arms against the ground to rock his body back-and-forth and to-and-fro. Frankenstein was relying on his own skull to apply pressure to the hold... the rocking was making him lose balance! Dracula gave him one more big rock to-and-fro... and as the monsters pulled on Frankenstein with hooked barbed poles... Dracula managed to spin himself onto his stomach... reversing the pressure on his ankle and legs... and placing all the pressure on Frankenstein's ankle and legs! Frankenstein had no choice but to break the hold!


The Great Dracula: It's... it's curtains!

Frankenstein: Yes... but it iiiiiiiiis curtaaaaaaaains... for YOU! BLARGH!


Frankenstein stepped on the Scythe before Dracula could pick it up. It snapped right in half like a tooth pick! Dracula turned tail and skedaddled!


The Great Dracula: Retreat! Retreat my monsters of the night! We must make our way to the catacombs, there's an underground passage through the sewers... that leads... to my ship!


All of the lesser demons and ghouls ran towards the catacombs on Dracula's evil orders. Dracula was planning on making an escape via the sea. He had a ship stationed at a private dock in the abandoned aqueducts that would lead to the sea so he could live to fight another day!


Meanwhile back in the Banquet Room...


To Be Continued....

The Final Chapter Awaits!

Chapter 7: The Battle at Sea! Lee's Naval Engagement with Dracula!




Chapter 7:
The Battle at Sea! Lee's Naval Engagement with Dracula!


Frankenstein couldn't run fast enough to follow Dracula in a hot pursuit!

Danny heard the commotion and Dracula's wails... he couldn't help but take a peek back inside the bed chambers. He saw Frankenstein armless and alone. Full of sorrow.


Danny: Damn, ol' bean, what happened in here? Looks like the bally Hindenburg just fell on this room.

Frankenstein: To sea..... he went to the sea......

Danny: Who? Dracula? How?

Frankenstein: Catacombs... sewers... to dock... then boooooooooooooooat.

Danny: He's getting away!? Quickly chum! To Lee's Rolls-Royce!


Danny and Frankenstein ran like a flash back to the Banquet room!

Meanwhile back in the Banquet room...


Richard: ...Yes, Judith. You have quite a lot of explaining to do.

Judith: I know. I know...and yes, I knew, this was a fairly murder-oriented and possibly-accursed house when I tried to sell it to both of you.

Lee: Murder Oriented? Possibly accursed? Milady... this is a complete full-on and full-out Dracula's lair is what it is!

Richard: Lee's on the nose, Judith... if that's even your real name! You sold me a cursed mansion full of ghosts, undead wolves, and bloody Draculas and Frankensteins!

Temptrina: Oh and zombies and skeletons. So many damned skeletons.

Judith: Well, I mean, everyone has a few skeletons in the closet... no house on the market is perfect, really. Every house available in our catalogue has some minor issues or... you know something with it ... no house is truly like perfect. How can one even describe perfection, really, I mean...

Richard: You sold me a Dracula's lair. Plain and simple.

Judith: Yes and no. I mean... "Yes" it technically is a Dracula's lair as we've come to learn but prior to tonight... there was just a weird mural in here that could have been viewed as somewhat spooky-ish or spooky-related.

Lee: Dracula informed us that all the previous owners of this home were rendered into abominations for his army... including Arthur, Abigail, and almost their sweet children Dorothy, and little Charlie.

Judith: Those were the last residents in this home's names, yes.

Richard: You are nothing short of a liar.

Lee: Who's pants are on... FIRE!


Just then Danny and Frankenstein arrived at the Banquet room!


Danny: Lee! Fire up the Rolls! We have a Dracula on the run. We must follow in hot pursuit!

Frankenstein: To the Port of Loooooooondon! Blaaargh!

Danny: The villain plans to escape in the darkness of the night via sea.

Lee: That conniving evil fool! He thinks he can flee in the night to the vast Atlantic Ocean? Where's his next lair of despair going to be? The rich and fertile fields of my homeland with amber waves of grain? To the purple mountains of majesty above the fruited plain!? Does this dastardly Dracula plan on making his next den of evil in... America!? Land of the free!? Home of the brave!? I don't think so, Dracula!

Richard: What's your plan, sweet Lee?

Lee: We'll hop in my Rolls... burn rubber and tear pavement straight to my Caravel. At sea, we'll sweep the coast for any outgoing vessels... I have a feeling Dracula's ship might be even more vintager than my own. I doubt he'll be difficult to pursue.

Temptrina: Then what?

Lee: He may not appear so... but my Admiral is very-versed in the arts of Naval warfare. He lead a vanguard battleship in World War II... not to mention... Danny knows a thing or two about the sea... and I know I may have said those cannons are only decorative... but they're not. They work just fine ... it's just... I didn't procure any cannonballs for it for I didn't think we'd ever need them.

Danny: There's no time to talk tactics right now... to the Rolls!

Lee: To the Rolls!

Temptrina: A Rolls-Royce? Mmmmm, now that's class.

Richard: Let us make haste! Frankenstein! Judith! There's no time to dally! Let's hurry!


To Be Continued....


They all hopped in Lee's Rolls! Lee drove, of course, with Richard and Temptrina in the front seats with him. Judith, Danny, and Frankenstein sat in the back seat. Frankenstein sat in the middle... he was uncomfortable but since he no longer had any arms he actually fit in the middle seat quite easily for a man of his size. It was actually quite convenient and spacious for all.

Then Danny and Lee began discussing stratagems and tactics...


Danny: He'll only have two options... he'll either head out North out of the port of London or South... yes, to get to America he'd have to go North or South out of London...

Lee: What if he plans on going to Amsterdam or Northern France? Then he'd just head east out of the port... it's something he'd think of doing. Imagine all the maidens in Amsterdam? Imagine all the mademoiselles in France? I bet he'd like to take a suck or two of some of their blood.

Danny: Good point. If he heads east we can intercept him around the Straits of Dover. If he heads out North... we can intercept him in Scotland and pincer him in between the Scottish coast and the Orkney islands.

Lee: Oh how I love the Orkney islands...

Danny: ...and South... we can hit him off in the English Channel. It's a little more vast that region... perfect for naval combat.

Frankenstein: Blargh. Blargh.

Danny: You agree, Frankenstein? Great. Jolly great show. Jolly good.

Lee: He can't evade us. We're almost at the port... my caravel awaits.


They arrived at the docks and hopped out of the Rolls on onto Lee's stunning caravel.


Lee: Good eve, Admiral.

Admiral: Aye, good eve, Lee. How goes it?

Lee: Alright, but a fiend is casting off into the sea to escape us. We must cut him off and intercept his vessel before he can make his cowardly escape and live to torment the souls of the pure for more centuries.

Admiral: Torment the souls of the pure? Aye, what manner of fiend is this fiend?

Richard: He's a twisted and sick, Dracula, Admiral. He has to be defeated by our hands before it is too late. His treachery and dastardliness knows no bounds at all. He's untrue to his damnable rotten core. He's nothing but an unforgivable Dracula of the lowest order.

Danny: Bally ol' ship, old man... but without cannon balls as munitions for these cannons... they won't do very well in battle.

Lee: I don't plan on sinking his vessel. His loathsome corpse may wash up one day from the bottom of the sea on some beach somewhere and he'll just resume his evil ways. We need to board his ship and fight him hand-to-hand...

Temptrina: ...and drive a stake through his heart.

Lee: Bingo, Temptrina.

Admiral: Aye, Lee, aye.

Richard: I can only hope... I shall be the lucky one who gets to do it.

Lee: Let's ship out immediately. Duty now awaits us.... there's simply no time to dilly nor dally.

Danny: I'm gonna head up to the crow's nest... Admiral, have thee any binoculars?

Admiral: Aye.

Danny: Thanks. I shall keep a keen eye out for Dracula's ship. Something tells me, judging from his taste in interior decor... that his ship shall certainly be even more gaudy, vintager, and ostentatious as Lee's is.

Temptrina: Are you okay, Judith? Time shall heal all wounds... okay, sweetie? Just kick back now and enjoy the show, okay?

Judith: Um....yes, alright. You're right Lady Temptrina.


They shipped out from the port of call of London... it wasn't long until Danny picked up a rather odd vessel that stood out in his sights. In his binoculars atop the crow's nest he saw...

...a pitch black painted Galley with hundreds of oars pushing against the waves.... the figure head was that of a red-eyed wolf. It HAD to be his ship. Hundreds of skeletons and zombies must've been operating the oars of the Galley... smashing the oars on the waves to fight against the current and propel the villainous Dracula to a new shore to land his ship on to continue his evil ways for another century.


Danny: I got him, Lee. He's headed south.... good. We can intercept him in the English Channel... plenty of legroom in that body of water to stretch out in. Tally ho!

Admiral: Aye, aye. We can head him off before Dover. I'll steer thee ship right up against the fiend's Galley and you brave heroes can board it and engage with the menace... hand-to-hand.

Richard: Jolly good.

Temptrina: Time to rock n' roll.

Lee: It's party time.

Danny: Me cheeks are getting pretty rosy in anticipation.

Frankenstein: Blaaargh!!

Judith: Uhhhhhhhh... Go.... Go Team!


They looked wearily at Judith... they hadn't fully forgiven her yet.


To Be Continued...


Thank the goodness and thank the benevolent luck of Saint George that Lee's Admiral was a very skill-full helmsman who, despite manning a somewhat slower vessel than Dracula's evil Galley... he managed to cut the angles of the sea down brilliantly and head the Galley off before they hit Dover.

Our trusty Heroes prepared their onslaught. They mentally prepared themselves for the Final of Showdowns with the treacherous Dracula the Great. They were really really pumped. They were pretty pumped for this.


Richard: My blood... is warm.

Lee: Mine too. How's yours Danny? Lady Temptrina?

Temptrina: I'm really excited. How about we give old Dracula the, so-called "Great," a little taste of our Whirlwind Mixer, Danny?

Danny: Bally good! I already went one round with the villain... I can't wait for round number two to commence.

Frankenstein: ME TOO! BLAAAARGH!


Judith wanted to join in but thought it was best to sit this one out. She was not very versed in martial arts either.

Lee's Admiral linked the vessels so our heroes could board Dracula's Galley and finally put an end to his menacery. Frankenstein leapt unto the Galley firstly and began head-butting and kicking skeletons all around the boat. He kicked a few zombies too. Lee leapt next and began covering the ghouls with piano imprints from his diamond rings. Richard and Temptrina leapt, in unison, and began attacking as well. Danny, however, was more reticent about something. He climbed back into the crow's nest instead of leaping unto the Galley.

The fighting ensued for almost ten full minutes... and let me tell you... body parts were EVERYWHERE. It was wild. Danny was beginning to think his worry was for naught... but something still seemed off. Where was the blasted Dracula, he wondered.

Danny surveyed the Galley from atop the crow's nest of the Caravel and could not for the life of him find Dracula. He was nowhere to be seen. Dracula was either on the lower deck of the ship still... biding his time... or not on the Galley at all.

Judith was on the other side of the Caravel, minding her own business, and trying her best to stay out of harms way when she saw a peculiar sight to her peripheral right. It was a small little cog of a vessel that had only one sail... painted black... and a large throne-like chair right in the middle of it. It was almost too small to make voyages at sea... in the chair she saw him... It was Dracula! Oh no!


She called out to Danny on the crow's nest!

Judith: The fiend is getting away! He's not on the Galley! He's on a tiny little gothic ship that's getting away! It was a trap! It was nothing more than a clever ruse!

Danny: The blasted DEVIL! Lee! Fall back! The Galley is nothing but a villainous diversion, is what it is! The Great Dracula is getting away under the cover of night as you lot fight his lesser devils and lowly minions!

Lee: Oh! Retreat to the Caravel! Dracula... you're not going to get away with this!


They abandoned their efforts to overtake the Galley and returned to the Caravel... by then the small one-man vessel that Dracula was sailing was well out of reach... it must have been powered by evil or blood or maybe some sort of rune or something... it was fast!

He really was gonna best them. Dracula was going to escape... to America.


To Be Continued....

Will Dracula make it to America!?


Frankenstein: WAIT! NO! I...

Danny: What is it ol' bean? The devil hathed made his cowardly escape and it is far too late to do anything.

Frankenstein: I... WILL BE A HUMAN CANNONBALL! BLARGH!

Richard: A what?

Lee: We have no munitions for the cannons... I think... he's...

Temptrina: No, Frankenstein.... you CAN'T.

Danny: No.... you shan't Frankenstein... you shan't be a human cannonball... it's... it's.... you can't. You just can't.

Frankenstein: My...BODY...is... DEAD. This is NOT my body! BLAARGH. It is just junk. Like, a doorknob or an... old BUCKET! Put ME INTO the CANNON! BLARRRRGH!

Temptrina: ... his wife and children are already in Heaven. It's time he's reunited with them. I think... he wants to be with them.

Richard: Frankenstein... you are singularly the bravest, strongest, and truest... HERO OF OUR TIME!

Frankenstein: THANK..... you.


The Admiral accompanied the brave, strong, and true Frankenstein to the main cannon... Frankenstein crawled into it. He grit his teeth and prepared himself to be fired at Dracula's evil little ship like a human cannonball. The Admiral loaded in the gun powder, lit the fuse, and looked up at the figurehead of Saint George. He asked it for luck... and then began the countdown.


Admiral: FIVE.

Lee: Help us, George. I beg of you. Please lend us your strength.

Admiral: FOUR.

Richard: Godspeed, Frankenstein.

Richard shed a single tear.

Temptrina wiped it away for him.

Temptrina: Thank you. Thank you... so much... from the bottom of my heart... Frankenstein.

Admiral: THREE!

Danny: What courage... what tenacity. What... bally bally bally burning-inner WILL POWER.

Admiral: TWO!

Frankenstein: I'm on my way...

Admiral: ONE!

Frankenstein: ....my dear Abigail.

Admiral: FIRE!!!



BOOM! BANG! POW! The fuse lit the gun powder and Frankenstein was shot out of the cannon like a streak of lightning! He was dead-on! The target was acquired... his fists were clenched... he grit his teeth so hard they shattered into the sea!


Lee: Nice shot, Admiral. He's right on course... it's going to be a direct hit.

Admiral: Aye, Lee, aye. It is, it is. Oh, it is.


Just then, a beautiful lady ghost floated down from the Heavens from above. She embraced Frankenstein right before he hit Dracula's ship. She gently pulled her husband Arthur's spirit from his decaying and rotten shell of flesh. She carressed Arthur's spirit's handsome face.


Abigail: You're better off in Heaven with us instead of at the bottom of the sea, my love.

Arthur: I guess I am, aren't I? Thank you, my love.


They kissed each other gently as they rose to Heaven to be with their children after all this time.

Everyone on the Caravel cheered and waved goodbye to them... even Judith. She could now see the angels as well. For her heart had grown several times since being saved from the clutches of the evil Dracula. Her realtor heart was now also pure!

Frankenstein's now lifeless hunk of a body... hit The Great Dracula's weird gothic little boat... DEAD ON! BAM!

Lee patted his Admiral on the back and congratulated him. What a great shot! Wow. He looked at the remains of the miniature gothic ship, now just shards of balsa wood timber, just floating in the sea...

Standing, with a sneer of defiance on his wretched face on one of the larger shards of balsa wood tinders... standing like a beacon of evil on the flotsam of what was once his cool gothic one-man ship... was that evil ship-wrecked Dracula.


Lee: Come on guys... let's do this for Frankenstein!

Richard, Danny, and Temptrina: For Frankenstein!

Lee: It's show time!


Danny leapt onto the plank of wood floating in the sea! He put Dracula in a full-nelson using his one remaining tonfa!

Temptrina smashed her staff against the side of the Caravel... leaving the end sharp to the touch. A make-shift wooden stake, it was. She fantastically leapt off the edge of the Caravel and straight towards The Great Dracula! She drove the stake right into his dirty evil heart!

Then she back-flipped back unto the Caravel. Danny couldn't match the villain's strength any longer and retreated, as well, back to their vessel.

Lee looked at Richard as to who would go next. Richard was powering up... something. Lee understood his finisher wasn't ready yet, gave Richard a knowing-nod and then leapt towards the monster! He hit the end of the staff, inside of Dracula's heart, with a splendid Discus Piano Punch. It was stellar!

The villain wailed in pain... into the NIGHT!

Richard looked into his hands, somehow they appeared to him, as they were more braver than before. Seeing Frankenstein's burning-inner will power had unlocked something deep-deep inside of himself. He vowed to take Frankenstein's will into his own hands... and use it. His passion? Oh, it flowed like rivers in the sky.

He was no longer the man he used to be. He was now... Stronger.

Much Stronger.

And... he was glowing. No, no, not glowing, really. He was... Shining!

This tramp was Shining!


Temptrina: Wow, Richard... you... you're.... you're so wonderful. Do it. Give that Dracula one for Frankenstein!


Richard leapt into the air! He began to passionately call out into the sky as he shot up into the air!


Richard: Shining Tramp's Lariat!


A stunning glow of fantastic light beamed all around him as his Shining Tramp's Lariat connected with the villainous Dracula! Light burst out of Dracula's evil body...

...and he EXPLODED!

Everyone cheered! The villain had been destroyed! They all congratulated each other.

They high fived and sang well into the night... when Danny remembered he still hadn't returned Temptrina's purse.


Danny: With all the commotion, milady Temptrina... I forgot to return your purse. Don't worry, my dear, I didn't peek into your secret notebook.

Temptrina: Thank you Danny...


As Danny was returning her purse, he suddenly accidently dropped it! The notebook came tumbling out and landed on the wet wooden floor of the Caravel... and it flopped open to a very telling page in Temptrina's diary.

It was all out in the open for everyone to see!


Dear Diary,

I'm currently watching my love, Richard, preform in the Old Vic. He is simply put... the greatest actor in the history of man. His passion is unmatched by anyone. He is tremendous and wonderful....

... I have never loved a man nearly as dearly as I love he.

Signed, Sincerly Yours
Temptrina


Richard couldn't take it. His heart melted... he almost collapsed from utter shock. He had tried to end his trist with her in the most alarming and unconventional of ways due to seeing her write in her notebook whilst he was pouring his heart out and passionately preforming on stage... and...

... the whole time... the whole entire time...

...she was writing about how much she adored him.

He took his love by her gentle hand and embraced her...

He told her how much she meant to him and that he loved her more than anything.

But... most of all... he apologized to her for buying a haunted mansion for the sole reason of frightening her into breaking up with him. In retrospect it was a completely bad idea.

As Richard kissed Temptrina on the Caravel... the others looked on and cheered. Lee looked at Judith.


Lee: Judith, I'm sorry, that I grew angry at you for lying to me about the Tower House. It was pretty haunted... but so what? We got a pretty great adventure out of the whole ordeal, didn't we?

Judith: We sure did.

Lee: You know, I never did get to show you all of the pianos I had acquired on my trip overseas. I still have some more pianos, downstairs on this vessel, to show you. If you're interested.

Judith blushed.

Judith: Oh Lee... yes.... yes! I'd love to see your pianos!

They both preceeded to the lower deck.

Danny climbed back up into the crow's nest, looked into the night's sky, and proclaimed...


Danny: HAPPY BALLY HALLOW BLOODY WEEN! TO ONE! AND TO ALL!




The End.

The Haunted House

Let us begin,

The Haunted House
a short story by D.


Chapter 1

It was the best of the times, yet, in some ways you could also call them the most worst of the times. It was the late 1960s and a very famous pianist sat in his vacation villa on the Isle of Man in the Atlantic Ocean. It was a humble abode with just but the one expansive and elegant dining room. It was on the waterfront overlooking the ocean, a simple but effective getaway spot where a famous pianist could get away from it all, relax, and bone up on the classics.

Tchaikovsky, Paderewski, and of course, Rachmaninoff. The classics.

Tinkling away on the ivories in his villa, one might say this man was lonely, but who could truly be lonely when the compositions of all the greatest composers of the past were sitting on his bookshelf just waiting to be opened and played for the one thousandth time in his life. Tinkling off a Rachmaninoff on an antique Steinway Grand? Would it lose its luster when played for the thousandth? No, something like that would never cease to embolden the human spirit and soul.

Sometimes he wondered to himself, ever so elegantly punching up these piano keys, while over looking the vast ocean, if it would be even more splendid with a lady by his side to appreciate his playing. Someone of letters who loved the classics as much as he.

He sighed, paused his piano playing, and looked at the ocean. The waves crashing against the hard rocks of the Isle of Man. The sound they made was almost rhythmic. The ocean must have heard him playing, thoroughly enjoyed his music, and wanted to serenade him back with its own concerto, he thought to himself.

What a wondrous thing the ocean is. Able to make the most beautiful of sounds without even trying. Our lonely pianist spent a lifetime in training to become famous the world over. The ocean? It was simply born with the ability to make timeless music.

Now quite jealous of the ocean, he sighed anew.

Just then his inner thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his vintage telephone he obtained on a trip to Versailles in France a decade or so ago, it was inlaid with gold and each number on the rotary dial had a single gemstone engraved onto it. It was in many ways... his favorite telephone.

Our lonely pianist, Lee, answered it...


Lee: Hello?

Caller: Hello? Is that you Lee? It's me Danny! I got word, down at the docks, that you were on the Isle of Man!

Lee: Oh hi, Danny! What a pleasant surprise! Yes, I needed to get away from all the stress of the life of being on the road. Being a world famous pianist isn't always easy. I needed to get some rest.

Danny: I know how it is, Lee, I know how it is. Being out there, entertaining everyone, and giving happiness, laughter, and hope to the millions. It must become a bit too much, at times, I'd assume.

Lee: Oh, yes.

Danny: So, old man, what are you up to?

Lee: Just tinklin' the ol' ivories, Danny boy, you know... punchin' up a little Rach on this Steinway Grand.

Danny: ...maninoff?

Lee: Yeah, maninoff. Are you in the area as well, Danny? Would you like to come by my humble villa? I can make lasagna.

Danny: I'm not on the Isle of Man.... I'm in my neighborhood... Ireland. I'm just taking in the grey skies and the whole.. grey... of it all. You know?

Lee: I thought people regarded Ireland as being green, no? Like clovers and endless pastures and...

Danny: No, no, no.. Lee... I've been here me whole life, you see, and this place is grey. Grey as the interior of a World War I battle ship, ol' chum. It's green when the sun's out but that's a rare sight, indeed.

Lee: Would you like to come to the Isle of Man, Dan?

Danny: No can do mate, I'm soon off to jolly ol' England.

Lee: Oh, how I adore England. I haven't been there since I last played for the Queen. She's such a lovely person. I should really try and make it back soon.

Danny: She's so nice, she's great. I really love the ol' gal. I'm actually going to see a house there. I was wondering if you'd like to come with? It's said to be one of the most splendid houses in all of London.

Lee: One of the most splendid houses in the whole of London!? Why didn't you say so sooner? Of course I'll accompany you on such an emboldening adventure. You know just how much I love the skilled craftsmanship and architecture of England, Danny.

Danny: I knew you'd be game, Lee! This house isn't just about great architecture... it is covered, wall to wall, from the first inch to the last... in priceless antiques!

Lee: ...

Danny: Oh, and don't get me started on the murals! The entire ceiling of a room is a 16th century painting. High Renaissance style, Lee. High Renaissance.

Lee: ..........

Danny: Are you still there, ol' man? Have we lost connection?

Lee: No, I'm here, Danny. I just... I just lost my composure for a moment and dropped my telephone on the ground. I was getting excited and I was.... losing my breath.

Danny: You must keep calm! I know how starry-eyed you get over priceless antiques and exquisite art but you must carry on!

Lee: I'm going to cancel all my plans for this week, Danny, and come meet you in London. I have to see this house... it is all I can think about.

Danny: What about Rachmaninoff?

Lee: Oh, Rachmaninoff Shmackachmaninoff! He can wait! I need to see this house, Danny!

Danny: Great show, old man! I'll be at my estate in London... phone me up when you arrive.

Lee: Will do, Danny, will do. Good bye, now. Thanks for calling.

Danny: Good bye, Lee. Can't wait to see you.


Our gentleman pianist hung up his phone, put his Rachmaninoff composition back onto the bookshelf, closed his Steinway Grand piano and went to sleep... he dreamt all night long about what historic treasures and ancient relics were in this splendid London house Danny had just finished telling him about.

Meanwhile in London...

A great actor had just finished another brilliant performance of Shakespeare's Macbeth down at the Old Vic. He was deeply fatigued and famished. Many considered this man as the greatest actor in the entire world. He slowly made his way to the actor's lounge, opened a bottle of warm wine, drank it quickly while it was still warm.... and deeply sighed.

He might have been the greatest actor in the entire world but he was also deeply troubled. He was recently on a whirl wind love affair with a smashing lady who he was madly in love with. She was in the audience that night... she had long raven black hair.... and eyes that could make a man's heart melt.

Yet... curiously she wasn't even looking at the stage at all. He had shed a single tear while talking to his father's ghost just moments ago on stage... yet... when he looked over at his beloved... she wasn't even looking at the stage. She was writing something in a notebook.

Maybe she just remembered something she badly needed to do and scribbled it down? She needed to buy bread or some of that lady cream to shave her legs with after the play... maybe. He thought, trying to justify her utter lack of respect for the thespian arts.... but he could not justify it.

Foul temptress! He had poured his heart out speaking to his father's ghost in this play and she wasn't even watching!? He could barely compose himself. He had quickly gone from loving this beautiful creature to literally hating her with an undying passion!

He gazed solemnly at the slow burning fire in the fireplace in the actor's lounge. Rage consumed this man! He smashed the wine bottle against the logs of the fire! He loathed her. He went from being out of controllingly in love with her to outright... loathing her.

He absolutely loathed her and needed to end this relationship post haste!

He needed to talk to someone, an old mate, a trusted friend... someone he could confide with and he trusted greatly. He walked over the smashed glass of the wine bottle next to the now roaring flames of the fireplace and picked up the telephone. He dialed the number of a trusted colleague.


Danny: Hello?

Troubled Actor: Danny, is that you? I need to talk to you, mate. Quite badly.

Danny: Oh hi there, Richard. I can't exactly talk right now... for I'm planning a very nice trip and need to pack my things. I need to organize my luggage for my excursion.

Richard: Danny, I'm troubled. Listen, we're both countrymen from the Great Nation of Ireland. You understand me, Dan! You must listen to my many troubles!

Danny: I'm sorry, Richard, I wish I could.... but I can't.

Richard: During my soliloquy tonight, Dan ... I was getting all into my "To be or not to be" portion and I glanced to her and she was.... asleep!

Danny: Come again? She was what?

Richard: Completely utterly asleep, DAN!

Danny: No!? How? What is her problem? Is she daft?

Richard: I don't know... she's so great and I loved her so passionately... but... listen to this...

Danny: There's more!?

Richard: Oh there's more, Danny. Oh Danny boy.... there's much more. You know what she was doing whilst I spoke to my father's ghost?

Danny: No, what?

Richard: She was jotting something.

Danny: Jotting?

Richard: Yes, you know, like in a notebook. A small notebook that fits in her purse. She was jotting something down with a pen.

Danny: She was jotting whilst you spoke with your father's ghost!?

Richard: Yes!

Danny: She is... the WORST!

Richard: I KNOW!

Danny: Richard, some things cannot be forgiven. Her lack of respect for thespianism is remarkable. You must end your trist. This trist of yours must end.

Richard: Easier said then done, ol' mate. I'm great at meeting birds but am utterly terrible at getting them to fly the coop. I just don't have the heart. I don't have the heart to see the pain and sadness in their souls when I give them the slip.

Danny: Yes, well, I must be on my way, Richard. I hope everything works out. I have to catch a plane soon, chap.

Richard: You've been a dear help my trusted friend. Thank you dearly for your sagely advice. Good bye, now, Dan.

Danny: Okay, good bye Rich, hope to see you soon.

Richard: Bye.


To be Continued.....




Meanwhile on the Isle of Man...

Lee took one last look at his most valued and prized possessions in his fantastic villa, said goodbye to them individually, then jumped in his Rolls-Royce and made his way to his private ship.

He arrived, waved a jolly hello to the admiral of his vessel, and boarded his ship. It was a quaint ship, a caravel, to be precise. It was made of solid teak wood, it had a splendid studded sail, ten cannons though they were no longer functional they were just decorative, and a figurehead on the ship's bow of the likeness St. George made from elm wood and molted bronze.

Lee made some small talk with the admiral of his private caravel to pass the time...


Lee: Sure is a great day for a sail, isn't it, Admiral?

Admiral: Aye.

Lee: That figurehead. It's of Saint George.

Admiral: Aye. Aye. The one man battalion of the Crusades. The lad fought armies by his own lonesome self. He will protect this vessel from any peril I assure you... from storms to sharks....aye.

Lee: When I purchased this vintage caravel... I mostly wanted it for the figurehead. The craftsmanship on George's face... it reminds me of someone. He looks ready for battle but also melancholy. Don't you find, Admiral?

Admiral: Aye, aye. Yes. So it is. Who does he remind you of?

Lee: Sigh.

Admiral: I didn't mean to pry. Apologies...

Lee: It's alright. He reminds me of..... my older brother George. I haven't been able to see him as often as I'd like to of late. Anyways, looks like we're almost ready to slow this baby down and enter the port of London.

Admiral: Aye.


The caravel arrived at the port of London. Lee debarked his vessel, waved a solemn goodbye to his trusted admiral and made way for another Rolls-Royce that was waiting for him at his private storehouse at the port of London.

He drove quickly for all he could think about was seeing this beautiful home, his greatest friend Danny, had described to him. He could almost picture the home in his mind and couldn't wait to finally see it.

Visions of antiques and finely crafted Victorian trinkets danced in his head as his wavy hair waved in the gentle breeze that kindly hit his face as he drove his Rolls. Many Londonders waved to him as he passed. They loved his Rolls.

He arrived at Danny's posh London estate and parked his spectacular vehicle in the expansive driveway. He made his way to the front door and rang the bell, the first piano bar of "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep" jollily tuned out to let Danny know a visitor had arrived.

What a great doorbell tune, Lee thought to himself.

Danny answered the door to his London estate and proclaimed...


Danny: Lee! How are you doing old fellow!? You arrived just in time for tea!

Lee: You know how I love to make an entrance, Dan. What do you think of my Rolls-Royce?

Danny: White? It's a little drab a shade for a Star, old man... but I cannot blame you. If the public knew it was you in town there would be a hooligan's riot at every corner to acquire an autograph from you. Plain is the way to go. Yes.

Lee: Now, let's get down to business. You have to tell me about this house.

Danny: In due time, my chap. In due time. You've only just arrived! We must sit in the drawing room and chat over tea and cakes.

Lee: ...and biscuits?

Danny: Of course, "and biscuits," old boy! Who would dream of chatting over tea and not eating a single biscuit!

Lee: Hahahahahaha.

Danny: Hahahahahaha.


They laughed and laughed as their very jolly souls made their way to the drawing room for tea, cake, and of course, biscuits.


Meanwhile in another part of London, in the hamlet of Hammersmith....

Richard, our favorite actor, was going through a bout of heart-wrenching yearning to see his beloved, yet, at the same time his heart boiled and roiled the seas of his blood with a loathing that was almost boiling over into pure hatred...

...for that raven-haired beauty.

She was driving him to utter madness. She was so hot, all he could think about was truly how breath-takingly gorgeous she was... but the very next split-second... all that flooded his mind's eye was reminders of her villainry! Her lack of respect for the thespian man's art! She was a foul villain! The foulest temptress of them all!

He compared his internal suffering to a man who had been stabbed in the heart and placed a bandage wrap around the wound. He knew his heart had been stabbethed and every time he gazed at the bandage it reminded him of his internal woe and inner torment. He knew he must do with this bandage what any real man does with any bandage... and that's rip it off!

He knew, Danny was right, he needed to end his trist before his heart was destroyed for eternity by her villainry. He picked up the phone and phoned up that raven haired temptress...


Raven-haired Temptress: Hello?

Richard: Hello, darling, it is I, Richard.

Raven-haired Temptress: Richard! My love! I haven't heard from you since your last performance and my heart was suffering from a tremendous yearning to hear from you! Hello!

Richard: Yes, yes, Hello, yes, fine, yes.

Raven-haired Temptress: Is everything alright, Richard?

Richard: Alright, fine, yes, every little thing is completely alright and fine. Yes.

Raven-haired Temptress: Are you sure? You sound somewhat on edge.

Richard: Edge? On edge?

Raven-haired Temptress: Yes.

Richard: On the edge... of what?

Raven-haired Temptress: I don't know...

Richard: .............

Raven-haired Temptress: Anyways, darling, I was thinking we could meet for tea this afternoon.

Richard: ......................

Raven-haired Temptress: Richard?

Richard: I can't this afternoon.

Raven-haired Temptress: Why not?

Richard: I've recently taken gravely ill. I am an ill man. I have caught the plague. I cannot go out today. Sorry.

Raven-haired Temptress: .....!?

Richard: Oops, did I say "the plague"... I mean a cold. Cough, cough, hack, cough. Yes, just a simple cold... it is not the plague. Oops.

Raven-haired Temptress: Oh well, I sincerely hope you feel better soon, my love!

Richard: Thanks. Goodbye.

Raven-haired Temptress: Bye!


He simply did not have the fortitude to tear off the bandage of his heartache and end the trist... he was, in many ways, a coward for not doing so. He was, now, even more troubled than previously. He made another phone call...


Danny: Yes? Hello?

Richard: Hi, Danny, it's Richard again.

Danny: Oh hi, Rich. I can't talk right now, chap, I am entertaining a guest in my drawing room.

Richard: I couldn't do it, Danny. She.... she.... called me Her Love... and my heart melted! It simply melted like the frosting of a cake that was left out for a long period of time in the rain!

Danny: Um, that's quite a silly analogy, Richard. It makes no sense.

Richard: What do you mean?

Danny: A person would have to be pretty daft to make a cake and then leave it out in the rain. Why don't they just eat it inside? Speaking of cake... anyways, Rich, I simply can't talk today. My best friend is over and we're eating tea cakes together... oh and biscuits too.

Richard: Your..... what?

Danny: My friend.

Richard: No, you said your best friend.... Danny.

Danny: No, I really don't think I did, no.

Richard: Oh, I am pretty perfectly sure that you did. We are countrymen who bleedeth the same blood, Danny! We are men of the isle of Ireland who have suffered the indignities and injustices of ten thousand lifetimes together! The indignities and injustices that BOND us like BROTHERS, Danny! The blood of the Irish boil inside of each of our veins with the passion of unending brotherhood! You have the nerve to make the boldest of claims... that I.... I..... I am NOT.... your best friend?

Danny: I... I think you're being a bit dramatic Richard. Are you shooting some lines off as practice for an upcoming show?

Richard: No. I am seething with an unquenchable rage! For if anyone was to ask me to chooseth only ONE BROTHER for my whole lifetime... the only thought that would cross my mind... I would without a doubt... choose thee, Danny.

Danny: I'm touched, Rich, really really touched.

Richard: Okay. Now, you have to help me figure out a legitimate method of ending my current trist.

Danny: Alright, my brother, I will think of something... please just give me a few days to come up with some sort of plan, dear man. Please, just a few days, old boy.

Richard: Okay, I'll be awaiting for your call, Danny. Thank you very much, bye.

Danny: Okay, take care, bye.



To be Continued....



Chapter 2

Lee and Danny had a splendidly short sojourn in Danny's posh drawing room. They spoke of many things that fancied them greatly, such as classical music, the arts, finery, and cakes, but Lee was growing anxious. He really wanted to see this house... quite badly.

They sojourned their siesta, put the lovely tea cups away, made their way outside, hopped into Lee's Rolls... and hit the free open road. The wind blew in their faces as they laughed joyfully. The weather was simply wonderful. They arrived and parked the vehicle in a nice expansive driveway.

They slowly walked up to the... Tower House.

It was quite grand indeedement. It was a simple red-brick-layed house on its exterior with pretty nice windows. The tower portion made it quite unique. It was quite literally a tower house.

Danny informed Lee that the realtor was sending an attaché, who hopefully shall arrive soon, to greet them and show them the house. They waited patiently for the attaché to arrive and engaged in a gentle repartee of small talk.


Danny: Wait until you see the interior of this place, Lee. You shall literally die on the spot!

Lee: Well, I sure hope not. I mean, I like to live in nice houses... not die in them. Hahaha.

Danny: The entire ceiling of one room is a bloody bally mural. The whole ceiling! It's very grand.

Lee: What's the painting of?

Danny: I don't quite remember... you know... the usual typical 16th century stuff... angels n' horns.... angels blowing horns.... and whatnot.

Lee: Gosh.... I really hope this attaché arrives soon. I want to see this place... I'm getting goosebumps.


Just then, a very lovely lady arrived, she was dressed very professionally yet still managed to exude beauty. She had light auburn hair and was super hot. Lee saw her approaching and was instantly taken by her charm and beauty. He was rarely caught off guard, being a very very famous man who was used to meeting ladies by the hundreds, by the beauty of women but this lady was magnificent. The way she walked up the staircase to the Tower House was like no other. She had poise, character, and charm to her walk. Her mannerisms were cool and unique.


Lee: Wow.

Danny: Aw, here she is! Hello, Judith!

Judith: Why, hello! Danny! Nice to see you again! Have you brought your friend to see the... oh........

Danny: ...everything alright, my dear?

Judith: Oh.....oh.....my. You're....you're....

Lee: Uhhhh.....

Judith: You're....

Lee: Why.... Yes, I am.

Judith: I didn't know I'd be meeting such a famous man today...I... I would have worn something a little more...

Lee: Don't be silly, Judith... you look perfect just the way you are.

Judith: Thanks.

Danny: Now that we're all acquainted, shall we?

Judith: Yes. We shall.

Lee: Yes, we shall!

They entered the Tower House, the floors creaked, and a light gust of cold wind hit them. They shook... but only ever slightly. The house was quite dusty and had a light off-putting aroma. Danny felt something odd inside of him... something he didn't feel the last time he was there. He sensed something was amiss but couldn't quite put his finger on what. He thought he might have caught a draft from the cold gust... but... it was not a chill he caught but rather a cold sweat. It was strange. The cold gust somehow... made him feel hot.

The house was full of well-crafted furniture, well-made chesterfields, and intricately-woven tapestries hung on the walls. The rugs were finely-woven and multi-colored... although riddled with dust and in need of a good wringing out. Lee was quite taken already by the house and he only just met it. He felt something special about it... it made him feel in a way that anything rarely ever did.

They made their way into the room with the mural... it was incredible. It depicted these imps who were playing horns...


Lee: I thought you said they were angels playing these horns up here on this ceiling, Danny?

Danny: I don't remember it looking this way...last time. I.... Judith do you recall angels or imps up there when we were here the other day?

Judith: No, it was imps. I remember it exactly as this. Can you really call them imps? I mean... you could call them cherubs, as well.

Danny: No, no, no, my dear. Cherubs are cherubic like angels. Those are not angels playing those horns up there... at all. Those are imps... or... maybe....

Lee: It's 16th century... it could be gothic demons playing those horns.

Judith: Gothic demons? Surely not... who would ever want gothic demons on their ceiling? I admit, they have pointed ears... and are greenish in color... but... the greenish color in the paint might be from oxidation... rust... or verdigris.

Danny: Verdigris? That's when brass turns green, my dear.

Judith: Perhaps they used brass paint.

Danny: There's no such thing as brass paint!

Judith: Maybe in the sixteenth century they cooked up their paints with brass.... who knows? I'm a realtor not an painter.

Danny: ....

Lee: There's an inscription over in this corner, up here, I can make it out... it's Latin.

Judith: Can you read Latin, gentle sir?

Lee: Of course I can read Latin, Judith. It says....

Ubi Cherubi

Amittere

Eorum Semita.

Danny: Probably the guy's name who painted the bally thing, old man.

Lee: No, it means... Where The Cherubs Lose Their Path.

Judith: Now, you see! I told you they were cherubs playing those bloody horns!

Danny: You were right, Judith! Bravo darling! Those are some cherubs up there tooting those horns!

Lee: ....Wow, you're... you're so smart, Judith....

Judith: ...Why, thanks. Thank you, Lee.

Danny: Anyways, tally ho! Let's scoot on upstairs and check out the tower portion me lovelies!


The three turned to walk away from the mural room... yet... something inside of himself made Danny turn back, once more, to look at it again. He was compelled to. He was puzzled... quite puzzled. The faces of the cherubs were once again pale... not green any longer... and their ears were no longer pointed... they were regular ears, now. Strange.

He rubbed his eyes and looked again... they were definitely angels playing those horns... but he kept it to himself.

Danny: Me eyes must be buggered from staring at the sun on the ride over. I must make sure to purchase some new sunglasses.

He thought to himself.

They went upstairs to the top of the tower and looked out the window. It was a marvelous sight from there. The leaves of the trees flowed gently in the wind. Lee and Judith's eyes? Oh, they briefly met and they stared at each other a little bit too long... until things became awkward ... but in the end, neither broke contact, and they both just gently smiled.

Danny: So, how do you like the house, Lee?

Lee: I adore it. I'm happy you showed it to me.

Judith: Are you interested in making a purchase, Mr. Lee?

Lee: Let us not get hasty... it's never a good idea to make expensive purchases on impulse. Next thing you know you might just be stuck with a couple of oil fields and a caravel!

Judith: Yes. I guess it's true what they say... that only fools rush in.

Lee: Yes.

Danny: ....

Lee: Is something the matter, Dan? You look a little pale.

Danny: I think I need some air. The dust in this place is getting to me. I don't think this place has been cleaned in quite some time.

Lee: I think it's time to get going. You're right. It's getting late and I need to be back at the docks soon. I can't keep my admiral waiting.

Judith: You have an admiral?

Lee: Yes, he navigates my caravel.

Judith: You.... really do own a caravel? One that like.... goes out on the seas?

Lee: Yeah, where else would it go? Would you like to see it?

Judith: I might. Um. Actually, yes... I would, actually. I'd love to see it.

Lee: Great! Now, let's get this show on the road!

Danny: If it's alright, Lee, I'll return to my estate now. I... was in the merchant marine for quite a number of years and have seen quite enough of the bloody sea, you see.

Lee: Indeed, Danny, I understand you salty ol' sea dog!


They exited the Tower House, Danny popped quickly back into the main room to look at the mural on the ceiling once more. The cherubs were still angelic, pale, and with ears unpointed. He really thought he was becoming ill, now. He shook it off and composed himself, the old soldier. He forgot about it, blaming it on looking at the sun, and joined the other two in the Rolls-Royce.

Lee and Judith dropped Danny off at his very posh estate and then made their way down towards the docks so Lee could relieve his admiral of the duty of guarding his vessel, show Judith his boat, then say his goodbye to her, and make his return to the Isle of Man.


Meanwhile in Hammersmith....

Richard was growing impatient at his current state of melancholy. The torment of his heart was raging like a tempest and his blood was boiling very badly. He picked up the wine glass he had just finished using and crushed it between his palm, thumb, and fingers! The glass shards entered his palm! Blood flowed! He was bleeding! Yet, he could care less for the blood that was on his hand was nothing compared to the pain that was in his heart... the pain of the yearning for his beloved who he loathed.

He was about to phone her up on his telephone. He thought he shall just give her a ring and sort this whole tawdry mess out once and for always! He looked down at his hand, stained in unfresh, dried, and now cool blood. The blood was no longer warm. The raging fires inside of him have tempered themselves... for now... it seemed. So he called Danny instead....


Danny: Hello?

Richard: It's Rich again Dan... just givin' you a jolly ring. Just to see what's up.

Danny: Not much. I'm gonna put on me pajamas and get some shut-eye, old chap.

Richard: You sound frightened, old boy. Have you caught yourself a mild scare?

Danny: To be truthful, not that one likes to admit to catching to fright.... but, yes, Richard.... I am currently frightened.... badly.

Richard: Why?

Danny: Well, chum, it's like this... I think I was just inside of a bally haunted house!

Richard: A... what?

Danny: A bloody haunted house! A house on the market for sale. It scared the dickens from me! It made me quite curly-wurly! It did!

Richard: It did?

Danny: Yes! IT DID!

Richard: You're curly-wurly right now, old man?

Danny: Yes! I am riddled with fear, captured by fright, and under deep personal duress inside of my pajamas... alone in my room... and I simply and utterly cannot sleep!

Richard: That's great!

Danny: No it isn't!

Richard: Oh but it is, old boy!

Danny: Can you explain to me, Richard, how in the RIPE NAME OF ALL IN WHICH IS GOOD... how it is a happy thing for you, to understand, that I am in currently locked in a mental CRISIS right now! In a crisis, in me peejays, alone in my room... and just about freaking out over a BLOODY MURAL I saw today!?

Richard: I think I need to buy it. I think I need to buy this Haunted House of yours...

Danny: ........


To Be Continued......



Danny: ....................

Richard: Bloke, look, check this out... let's say, listen to this, okay... let's say, just for the sake of argument, right, that I lived in a spooky house. Right? Now, I invite my temptress of the raven-haired-order over for afternoon tea to my haunted house, right?

Danny: Get on with it.

Richard: Right, so, what's it again a blasted mural with something?

Danny: It is a mural of angels and, or, possibly demons... or cherubs... or even imps hooting on trumpets and the like.

Richard: Right, right, right. Let's say we're there, me n' her, right? Now, she's drinking some tea, right? Eating a.... eating a croissant or something... she looks up... right?

Danny: Right.

Richard: ...and this mural, or whatever, thing. It scares her to her core. It frightens her to the very core of her rattling bones, right? And....

Danny: ....and she ends the trist under her own accord and you don't have to hurt her feelings.

Richard: Exactly! It's almost too easy when you think about it, isn't it? She'll still think I'm a swell bloke and say "hello-hello" to me in the streets if she ever bumps into me again... or a pleasant "Cheerio! Richard" if she sees me at the pub. Everyone is happy.

Danny: Can we discuss this tomorrow? I shall come by Hammersmith. Is my favorite bistro, La Patate de la Creme, still around? The one that serves the baked potatoes with the sour cream? The one next to the kebab place? Is it still there?

Richard: Yeah.

Danny: Alright, great, great. I need a good night's rest, old boy. I can't conspire these underhanded machiavellian machinations with you, now. I'm still shook up from that blasted mural.

Richard: Great! I'll see tomorrow for brunch. Sleep well!

Danny: ....I'll try. Now goodbye.

Richard: Bye bye.


The very next day, a gorgeous raven-haired temptress awoke from her bed chambers to start her day. She was an aspiring writer who always carried a small purse-sized notebook inside of her bag. She was very sexy and severely hot.

She had nothing to do on this fair and pleasant day so she planned to go for a light nip of champagne and maybe a baked potato down at La Patate de la Creme. She did her hair, applied her exquisite perfume, did her nails, put on a smashing blouse and a short skirt and made her way out and on her jolly way to the bistro.

Meanwhile....

Danny had arrived to meet Richard at the same bistro fashionably yet modestly late only but moments ago. He sat down and began conspiring with Richard a scheme so underhanded that they couldn't help the sinister smiles escape their dastardly lips in unison. They were truly and clearly up to something clever yet fiendish to any on-looker who observed them.

Now, with their dastard's plan agreed upon, Danny, started eating his baked potato and switched to lighter topics of conversation...


Danny: Want to hear my latest joke? It's a banger.

Richard: Why yes! Of course.

Danny: Alright so it's in this German officer's quarters back in the World War II, back in the war times, you know, and uhhh these blokes... these two blokes...


Richard was listening intently to Danny's fine joke when out of the corner of his left eye... he saw a familiar silhouette come around the corner toward the quaint bistro. It was her! Oh no! It was her! That raven haired no-good temptress!


Richard: Danny! It's her! Over there!

Danny: Anyways, so, the first bloke goes..... what? That's her. What a beauty!

Richard: I must hide! I must flee the scene!

Danny: She's right there. You can't simply flee, now. This isn't the Old Vic... you can't simply Exit Stage Right whenever you see fit. Here, put this on.

Richard: A wig!? Bloody hell!

Danny: Put it on!

Richard: Make me you son of a.....

Danny: Put in on, NOW.... you BASTARD!


The raven-haired temptress was almost at the bistro. She arranged her blouse which had been slightly sent off-center by the wind, checked if her skirt was covering her legs enough... and then entered the al fresco area of the bistro.

For the faintest of seconds, she swore she caught a glimpse of her beloved Richard, sitting with a rather interesting-looking fellow... but... when she blinked and re-opened her soft brown eyes... the interesting fellow was sitting with a blonde woman. She was confused and approached the pair...


Raven-haired Temptress: Why hello, this may come across as odd, and I hope you don't mind... but... was, by chance, the very great and splendid actor Richard just sitting at this table?

Danny: No.

Blonde Lady: No.

Raven-haired Temptress: I see. May I sit here for a moment? I'm so sorry, I wore my high heels today and my feet are just killing me. I just need to sit for a moment. Sorry.

Danny: Alright.....fine.

Blonde Lady: He was in the MIDDLE of a banger joke, you know?

Raven-haired Temptress: I apologize. I... won't be long. I think I have a blister on my heel from these damned shoes. I... I'm so sorry. Please finish your joke, I... I'm sorry.

Danny: Alright, so, anyways, the other bloke goes.... "Yeah! That's why Joeseph only had the one ball and dear nasty ol' Adolf had none whatsoever!"

Blonde Lady: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa! Oh damn, old man! Wowee! Whoopeee! What a banger!

Danny: Great? Eh?


They looked over at their newly arrived temporary guest, that no-good raven-haired temptress... and she was jotting. She had her purse-sized notebook opened fully in front of them and she was jotting, something, in it. No polite laughter to Danny's banger joke or anything. Nothing. At all.

Danny was incensed with thespian's rage over her lack of respect for his joke. He was incredibly taken aback by her behavior. He was close to being insane with anger... meanwhile... at the other end of the table, Richard, still in his blonde wig... just nodded knowingly. He was already used to her utterly negligent behavior in regards to her appreciation, or lack thereof, for the arts. It was nothing new to him.

Raven-haired Temptress: Oh, sorry, I.... didn't hear the start of the joke.... I didn't really understand it due to not.... I...I....

Danny: I think we'd like to be alone right now, madame, I would like to eat my baked potato in private with my friend, now please. Thank you.

Raven-haired Temptress: Yes, uh, sorry, I'm truly sorry for...


She left, very sad, she was so very very sad now... the poor thing... and before she even turned the corner of the street and was out-of-sight... Richard ripped off his wig and threw it into the waste bin.


Danny: She's dreadful. You were right.... she is truly and totally.... the worst person alive.

Richard: Now you see, Danny, you see why I was in such a tangled web of complete despair over her.

Danny: Why can't they just be great looking and have respect for the thespian man's endeavors?

Richard: It sends me to my wit's end, Dan. To my wit's end.... it really, really, really does.

Danny: To be honest, Rich, prior to meeting this buffoon.... I was having doubts about the morality of your duplicitous plan to end your trist with her. Deceit is fair game with someone as buffoonish as her.

Richard: I wish it didn't have to be this way.... but it does. Now, tell me more about this house.


To Be Continued.....



Chapter 3

Meanwhile at the port-of-call of London where Lee's caravel was anchored to the dock, Lee and Judith were saddened to see that the weather had changed to a murky, cloudy, drizzle. Soon enough the drizzle had turned into a storm. Lee's admiral administered Lee the bad news regarding these current weather conditions...


Lee: Hi, Admiral, I'm back!

Admiral: Aye, aye. I'm sorry Lee... but I cannot take ye boat out in such miserable conditions. It's a storm on those seas and a vintage vessel such as this would sink down to the murky depths in an instant, it would, if we were to set sail now.

Lee: Oh. I guess I'll stay tonight in the cabin on the lower deck. We can set sail in the morrow if the weather permits.

Admiral: Aye, Lee, aye.

Judith: It's a shame we couldn't go sailing, well, I must be on my way. I'm gonna catch a taxi back to my flat.

Lee: Hold on a second, Judith. Would you like to see what I have on the lower deck?

Judith: Uhhhh....I.... no, I don't think....

Lee: You're gonna love it.

Judith: The cabin, where one sleeps on long voyages, is on the lower deck, I heard you just say. You're not planning....

Lee: Oh no. Don't be silly. I don't want to show you my humble sleeping chambers, Judith... I want to show you what's next to it.

Judith: .....?

Lee: ....my antique piano collection! I just purchased them at an auction on the Isle of Man and plan to return to America with them. They are incredible pieces of history.

Judith: Oh! You want to show me your pianos? Oh....ok.

Lee: Excuse us, Admiral, I will be on the lower deck showing this beautiful mademoiselle my recent piano purchases.

Admiral: Aye, Lee. I will keep guard of the vessel and observe the patterns of the storm...

Lee: Thank ye, Admiral.


Lee and Judith made their way down to the lower deck of the caravel. Lee held her hand, ever-so gently, down the staircase, as the lighting in the staircase was not satisfactory and he didn't want her to lose her footing.

They arrived at the lower deck. Lee had purchased three vintage pianos, so far, on his vacation on the Isle of Man. The first was a Tchaikovsky, a grand piano ol' Tchaiky played on his first grand tour of ancient Russia. Lee explained that Tchaikovsky was a Wandering Pianist who, in many ways, was as much a vagabond as a pianist. He tinkled a few keys, a la Tchaikovsky, on his vintage Tchaikovsky-used piano. To say Judith was impressed by this was an understatement. She was absolutely enthralled and utterly impressed to the fullest by Lee's knowledge of the arts.

Next, he showed her the Paderewski he had acquired. It was the piano Paderewski played at the signing of the Treaty of Versailles, which ended World War I. Lee wondered aloud if Paderewski's playing of this piano, itself, contributed to ending the war in some small fashion. They both laughed at the thought.... their eyes gently met and they both smiled... as Lee played in the style of Paderewski on a Paderewski-used piano on his caravel.

Last but not least, of Lee's newest antique piano acquisitions, was his brand-new vintage Rachmaninoff grand. Lee explained how Rachmaninoff used to impress the poor denizens of ancient Russia with his simple-yet-complex style of pianistmanship. He tinkled a few bars of Rachmaninoff in that simple-yet-complex style... and Judith was mesmerized. She had never seen such an incredible man!

Then, suddenly the rain? It stopped. The Admiral came down to inform Lee of the change in sailing conditions. Everyone was surprised the storm had suddenly stopped. They all returned to the deck of the ship.


Admiral: Aye! The storm's stopped! It has.

Lee: Lucky, us. Well, Judith looks like I shall now return to the Isle of Man. I will be returning to America shortly after. I...

Judith: Lee....

Lee: Judith....

Judith: Goodbye, Lee. It was a pleasure meeting you.

Lee: Likewise. Goodbye, Judith.


Judith turned to walk away....


Lee: Wait, um, I feel bad making you come all that way to show me that house and going back to your agency without making a sale. I'll buy the house.

Judith: You will!? Oh... well... that's.... great! Oh, I'm so happy!

Lee: Don't mention it. I'll use it as my London quarters on my next tour... then I won't have to sleep in my caravel any longer!

Judith: Hahahaha!


Meanwhile, behind a lightpost on the London Dock, a dastardly newsman had overheard the conversation. A dodgy newsman from The Standard. He had been tailing Lee since his arrival in London, looking for a saucy scoop... and now he finally had found one! That dastardly newsman! He knew Lee was going to purchase that great house!

To be Continued.....


The very next morning in Hammersmith...

Richard, our most favorite actor, was in his flat, sipping coffee, and sinisterly sneering over the cunning effort he and Danny had put into their flawless plan. He thought it would be a good idea to read the paper with his morning coffee. He picked up the Standard and opened it. He checked the cricket and football scores and then proceeded to read the lesser important parts of the paper.... when... lo... he struck an article which sent him into a bally clamor! This man was given quite a shock!

The article read...


Gaudy American Entertainer to Purchase a Great House... In London!?!?
by Jack "Jackie" Newsman

Seems that old almost abandoned yet quite splendid house known to locals as "The Tower House" will very soonly no longer be abandoned yet shall be very much lived in, when he feels like it, by that gaudy entertainer from America, Lee, you know the one who plays the piano?

He and another gaudy one, Danny, were seen at the house a few days ago and sources close to the Standard say Lee has already made an offer and will soon be the proud and sole owner of.... The Tower House!


Richard spit out his coffee and almost had a panic attack! He was sent into a fury of emotion! He had almost made it! He had almost crafted the perfect plan to permanently yet gently breakup with his current muse.

Why was Danny mentioned in the article!? He wondered. Richard flew into a complete rage and threw the coffee cup against the wall! Porcelain flew, like little candies, all about the room! He could not compose himself! His plan was foiled! This time he had almost made it! He almost made it, this time. Was Danny a cohort to this blasted treachery? He phoned him immediately!


Danny: Hello?

Richard: It's Richard, Dan, have you read the Standard?

Danny: Yeah, but just the important bits... like the cricket and the foot scores.

Richard: Go to page A3, Danny boy.

Danny: ...........

Richard: Let me take a wild stab at the dark here, Danny, "old pal", Danny, if that's even your real name, mate. You took that gaudy American pianist to MY house, didn't you?

Danny: I may have, yes, I did.

Richard: My plan is foiled, old man. Ye hathed foiled my plans!

Danny: I didn't know he would be so interested in the house. He could not have already purchased it. These deals take time and there's no way it can be finalized yet. Let me put you in touch with the agent from the realtor, the fairest Judith, and maybe you can make a counter-offer.

Richard: Right. Please do, Danny. My whole entire life as a thespian hinges on acquiring this scary house!


Danny told Judith about another of his dearest and close personal friends who wanted to make an offer on the Tower House. It was arranged that they shall meet, all three, at the Tower House at 3pm.

Richard arrived first and was an absolute nervous wreck. His whole life was being held in the balance of this realtor agent! He had to tip the scales in his favor by any means whether by hook or by crook. He needed this house more than anything on earth and there it was right in front of him now... The Tower House... in all of its splendor and glory! He reached out and put his hands on the wood of the door! He felt its power!

This was more than a House... it was his Destiny.

Danny arrived nextly and informed Richard that the agent, Judith, was on her way. They made some gentle repartee until she arrived.

Finally, she made it. She had arrived... and when Richard took one glance at this real estate agent... his heart just turned to sand. It melted. He was at a total loss for words just looking at her softly walk up the stairs to the front door of the splendid house.

Danny said his hello-hellos to her and then introduced her to Richard. She was dressed modestly yet her professionality and beauty shined through the modest garments she wore like demurred rays of endless sunshine. A great intelligence shone from her and Richard picked up on it instantly. She was a once-in-a-lifetime bird.


Richard: Uh, hello, I'm....

Judith: You're....oh my.....you're.

Richard: Yes. The one and only. I take it you've heard of me?

Judith: Of course! You're the terrific actor, Richard! Oh! If I would've known I'd be meeting someone of your stature and reputation this afternoon I would have worn something less modest...

Richard: Don't be foolish, milady, you look marvelous.

Danny: Can we get on with it? I'm not a big fan of this house, to be honest.

Judith: Why is that, Danny? It's such a wonderful home! It is lovely! Come on I would love to show it to you, Richard!


Judith, Danny, and Richard entered the Tower House. Danny was breaking out in a cold sweat and he wasn't even near the room with the mural yet. He instructed them that he would wait in the doorway while she showed Richard the house. He told them he'd seen it numerous times now and would just let them go about it themselves. When they were done and got back to the doorway he asked them what the mural looked like this time.


Judith: What do you mean by "this time," Dan? It's these imps or whatever with green skin and pointed ears blowing on some horns or clarinets or whatever.

Richard: Yes, it's very marvelous, probably 16th century... some bloody High Renaissance stuff.

Danny: Of course.

Richard: Anyways, Danny, I'm going to take Judith out for dinner, we're going to try and finalize the sale tonight.

Danny: Yeah, whatever, great show, great show....

Judith: Alright, bye bye, Danny.

Richard: Bye now, mate.

Danny: Okay, bye. Goodbye.


Richard and Judith proceeded arm-in-arm down the road together. Romance must've ensued while he left them alone in the Tower House together, Danny assumed. He was prepared to leave also but just had to look at the mural once again. Something compelled him to. Danny went back into the Tower House, into the room with the mural, and gazed up at it. Once again... he saw angelic depictions of horn blowers. They had no pointed ears... their ears were unpointed. They were not green whatsoever and it was driving him to madness! He was becoming disoriented and was losing his breath!

He wanted to escape and flee this infernal house but could not. Something was holding him in place! He was immobilized and simply could not move an inch from this spot! He started to hear voices in his head...


Voice: Help.....us.

Danny: What? Who are you!?

Voice: Help us, Danny. We don't want to become demons, Danny. Please help us!

Danny: I...I... can't! I have many errands to run today! I must be on my way. Do forgive me, old ceiling, old friend, old painting, old boy, but I must be on my way.

Voice: You're the only one who can see us, Danny. You are the only one who can hear us, Danny. You are the only one who can help us, Danny. Please... help.... us. Help us. Please.


Danny finally broke free from his panic and skedaddled for the door! He shut it tightly and ran hightailed from the house and never looked back once. He was going mad and he knew it. This house, maybe the dust, or maybe Judith was right maybe there was brass in the paint or some blasted thing that was eroding his brain.... this house, he thought, was making him crazy! He was legitimately frightened of this dirty old house and made a vow to never to return to it ever again.

Meanwhile Richard had taken Judith out for a very nice dinner...

To Be Continued.....


Richard and Judith arrived at La Patate de la Creme. They were seated inside the bistro and were given menus. Judith ordered what she wanted, nothing too fancy, then Richard made his order to the waiter...


Richard: Yes, I will take two baked potatoes, with sour cream, a boiled potato... and... a corned beef on a barmbrack. Please. Thank you. Oh, and how's the black pudding tonight, old man?

Waiter: Delightful.

Richard: Tack a pood on that order as well, thanks.

Waiter: No problem. Won't be long.

Judith: My my my... you have quite the appetite, tonight, Richard.

Richard: Oh, yes.

Judith: Richard, it's rare to meet such a passionate man. The words you used to describe the Tower House while I was showing it to you... in all my years as an attaché for a real estate agency... I have never heard such poetic language used to speak about one man's love for a house.

Richard: I am very taken by the House. It warms my blood and sets my soul completely on fire.

Judith: Oh my. I have another offer for it, currently, but... if you feel so strongly about it... I... can't in good conscience entertain the previous offer for it any further. The way you spoke of the mural on the ceiling... was... incredible. You have a way with words in a passionate and poetic manner that...

Richard: ...that?

Judith: That sets my soul afire and warms my blood, dear Richard.

Richard: You don't say? Well, I'm glad I saw this house, today... and I'm glad I met you.

Judith: Richard....


The food arrived and they devoured it. It was very good and well prepared. After they were done eating, Richard ordered a bottle of wine. He poured her a glass, their eyes met... and their souls? They roared like a lion and caught afire in unison like a volcaaaaaano and a tornaaaaaado on doomsday!

They were falling for each other... but then... Richard's mind was reminded of Her. That no-good villainess... that Raven-haired beauty herself... the Temptress! Horror! Horror in the night! Why now? Why has his mind brought all of his memories of Her out of his heart's closet...now? All he could think about was the Raven-haired Temptress's eyes whilst looking into Judith's. Curse her! Foul villain of the night! His love for her was a curse! She occupied his soul like no other.

His memories were a whirlwind's tempest of fragments of her raven-haired beauty, swirling around his head, like a yearning hurricane of total passion. He couldn't forget her.

Judith: Is everything alright, Richard?

Richard: Yeah...it's just. Um. Look, can we finalize the deal, tonight? You understand how I feel about the House. I need it. I need it more than anything. Please, I ask of you, noble Judith, please forget about the other offer and make the paperwork tonight to seal my deal. Is it possible, noble Judith?

Judith: Of course, Richard. The house is yours. Consider it done.

Richard: You are incredible, my dear Judith. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Judith: Now, I think it's time we concluded our business and moved on to more personal matters. Don't you?

Richard: I'm sorry... but I must be going. I...

Judith: .....?


Richard's heart was muddied and clouded with nothing but thoughts of his vile temptress. He couldn't focus on anything else. He paid the bill and promptly left the bistro. Judith didn't really understand. He began walking home, in the cold, cold night.... and all he could think about was Her. He needed to rid himself of this curse before he went completely mad. He would invite her over to the scary house before even moving his things in, he thought. As soon as the house was his... likely in the next few days... he'd invite her for tea in the room with the mural and tell her a tale so frightening... he'd make up a wicked ghost story about the spooky mural... a tale so rich with fright and fear... that she'd have no choice but to not want to be with him any longer. That raven-haired villain of the highest order of treachery shall end their passionate affair of her own accord... and free his heart.

Free his heart... for Judith.


Meanwhile at Danny's posh estate in London...

Danny was under a tremendous distress. He was once again utterly curly-wurly over that blasted mural. Not only did it look different to him than everyone else who's seen it... but now... it was even speaking to him in a high-pitched voice.

Help us... it kept reiterating to him. The cherubs in the painting on the ceiling of the Tower House kept asking Danny to help them. But...why? Help them...how? Help them with what?

Danny knew the house was evil. He no longer chalked it up as being due to his eyes being buggered from excess sunlight or from something in the paint that made his brain erode. That house was Pure... EVIL.

It was a veritable Haunted House!

His phone rang...


Richard: Danny! Huzzah! Hahaha! Listen Danny boy! The Plan is back on course! I own the house!

Danny: You do? Uhhhh.... that's splendid. That's....uhhh.... that's great, old boy....

Richard: ....?

Danny: That's.....that's.... good for you. Um. That's great.


To Be Continued....


The next day,

Danny was under a deep mental malaise concerning the whole mess. He was feeling many different emotions all at once. He was quite relieved that he was no longer near that filthy house, yet frightened of what transpired there regarding the mural talking to him, and also, maybe most of all, he felt bad for Lee. He knew he was a cohort to Richard's slimy scheme and his pal, Lee, was the odd man out in this bizarre real-estate house triangle.

All things considered, the most powerful of the three emotions he currently felt... safety, fear, and regret. Regret was the most powerful of them. He knew he had to phone up ol' Lee and tell him the bad news. He arose from his comfy bed, adjusted his night-hat, and made his way for the telephone to inform Lee of the current events regarding the scary house.


Lee: Hello? Oh, Danny! It's you! Oh, how I think you're the greatest! That house was superb and what a nice lady Ms. Judith was...I... I think I might try and... ask her out on a date.

Danny's heart sank to the pit of his stomach. He felt like a weasel for helping Richard with his plan.

Danny: Yeah, about the house... and about Judith, Lee. Um, turns out she agreed to terms on a deal... with someone else.

Lee: Someone....else?

Danny: You know how these things go some times. You win some you lose some, Lee. You know... let me tell you something about that house. Trust me, you don't want it.

Lee: I do want it. My heart skipped a beat in that house.

Danny: Yeah, mine too, old boy... and do you want to know why? Well, it is because that filthy dusty old house... is bloody-well haunted!

Lee: Haunted? Oh come on.

Danny: I'm in me pajamas right now, Lee, huddled in me bed... clinging to dear life to me pillow. The angels on the ceiling spoke to me! These high-pitched voices asking me to help them.

Lee: You didn't tell me about that when we were there.

Danny: It didn't happen that time. It happened when Me n' Judith n' me best mate Rich were there the other day.

Lee: ....?

Danny: Uhhhhh. Oh.

Lee: You're....what?

Danny: Me matey, Rich.... uh... the actor.

Lee: No, Dan... you said your best mate....and more importantly... why were you and your best mate at the Tower House...with the fairest Judith?

Danny: Look, I'll level with ya, Lee. Rich needed the house to scare off this bird he's grown bored of. I met said bird, a real raven-haired beauty, she was, but utterly daft in regards to the arts... and I couldn't help but have empathy for him, as a fellow actor me self, I was compelled to aid him in his endeavors. I had no choice.

Lee: No choice!? That SCOUNDREL! That TRAMP! Wonderful houses adorned with priceless artifacts are not to be used in sinister plots to break women's hearts! This is an outrage!  That man is nothing short of a sultry serpent! Give me your best mate Richard's number.

Danny: Why?

Lee: I shall challenge him to a duel over the Tower House!

Danny: Really? Are you really like a "duel" sort of chap, Lee? I don't know.

Lee: Maybe you're right, Danny. I think I might be over-reacting to this whole thing. I... just... wanted to think up some reason to see the house... and Judith... again, that's all.

Danny: I understand. I'm sure I can work something out. I really wish this whole bally matter could be solved with everyone being happy with the result.

Lee: I shall be returning to America in one week. I shall try to see you once more whilst I'm in this area, Dan. Goodbye now.

Danny: Ok. Bye....


Danny felt no better. Lee was right... just because a woman doesn't laugh at a banger joke doesn't mean she's a heartless evil buffoon. Danny had more regret over his actions than previously. Poor Danny. Poor poor Danny....


Meanwhile at the Tower House,

Richard was now the sole and rightful, in his mind anyway, owner of the Tower House ... he hadn't even moved his things in yet... and he had already invited his temptress over for tea... in the mural room.

He sat in there, gazing up at the impish devils tooting their olden days trumpets. What an interesting room. This house was literally as grand as can be... and he owned it! It was the biggest gift he had ever given himself... and on top of it all... this spooky room with the demons on the ceiling... was finally going to be the method of him ending his trist.

He thought up so many angles for his ghost story to explain the demons on the ceiling to her. One thought he had was that a bunch of dodgy thieves used to live here and they killed a bunch of people in this room! Ooooh, that's pretty good, he thought to himself. Another angle he cooked up in his dark and twisted mind was to tell her that some war criminals from the Great War lived here and performed unspeakable crimes and unnecessary surgeries in here. No wait... he had it! 

What about... pirates!? Yeah! Pirates! They stored their booty in this Tower and lived in the House portion and they drank and sang and murdered people all night long! Yes! That was it.

Just then... she finally arrived. She made it... that raven-haired temptress that had been tormenting his heart for many weeks. She knocked on the door of the Tower House and Richard let her in. She was wearing a flimsy black dress... she looked so hot it wasn't even funny... but Richard braced himself and kept his guard up. He wouldn't let her melt his heart, today, or any other day, any longer.

He greeted her and invited her into the mural room for tea and pood. She was so happy to see him... ecstatic even! They sat in the lovely room and he began telling her about his grand ceiling in his new house.


Raven-haired Temptress: Wait... you own this place!? Wow!

Richard: Yeah, now, my darling... look. You see all those demon devils up there? You see them? Tooting those horns up there? You see them?

Raven-haired Temptress: No.

Richard: What in the bloody hell!? What do you mean...No!?

Raven-haired Temptress: Those aren't demons up there, babe, those are uhhhh... cherbus, I guess. Like, little angels harking and heralding. Something good must be coming their way and they are harking up a storm up there... heralding the arrival of some great event or person or something.

Richard: You are utterly DAFT! You are the complete worst! Those are obviously DAMNED monsters up there! Tooting and heralding the arrival of a great and unspeakable evil! Now, let me tell you the wonderful story behind why those imps are up there harking about on the ceiling.

Raven-haired Temptress: Um. Sweetie, no. I know friggin' angels when I see friggin' angels, okay? Give me a friggin' break with this nonsense... okay?

Richard was about to fly into an insane rage!

Richard: You are as bad as Danny with this...this... this blasted cherub bollocks!

Raven-haired Temptress: Who's Danny?

Richard: You met him the other day! You don't remember!? At the potato cafe!

Raven-haired Temptress: ....?

Richard: Ohhhhh noooooooooo. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ooooooh. No, no, no. Wait.....

Raven-haired Temptress: Richard... I'm confused.

Richard: Oops, no you're right... you've never met me greatest mate Dan. Sorry, nevermind. Anyways, let's get back to my story about this mural. It's a great story. It's great. It's truly marvelous. It's gonna scare the dickens from you, my darling! It has all sorts of intrigue and...

Raven-haired Temptress: I don't want to hear it. I'm so confused, now. Why would you tell me some spooky story about angels? What is scary about angels!? Angels are not, like, the prime place to go when you want to do a spooky story, Richard.

Richard: .............

Raven-haired Temptress: What?

Richard: You really don't. You really don't. You don't. You don't have any respect for the thespian man and his endeavors. You are quite bad. You are a very bad person.

Meanwhile, She was jotting something in her purse-sized notebook!

Raven-haired Temptress: Oh, sorry, did you say something? You know, babe, this pudding is pretty good. Wow. You know what we should do? Instead of going for pood, next time, let's go for ice cream. It's like pudding but cold. You know?

Richard: Get out of my grand house. This instant.

Raven-haired Temptress: Alright. Fine. Bye.

She got up and she walked away... but.... she turned back. He looked deeply hurt and sad... she was going to walk back into the room and sit down. She wanted to apologize for not listening to his story even though she was so annoyed with him that he was insisting these cherubs were imps. She almost walked back into the mural room... when she heard... a voice.

Voice: You can see us, too?

It was a high-pitched yet soft voice. She was drawn to it...

Another Voice: She can! She can see us like the other man did! She might even be able to hear us like he did!

Voice: Can you hear us?

Raven-haired Temptress: ...?

Richard: Is everything alright? I'm sorry for what I said. Please sit back down. I think it's a great idea to go for ice cream next time instead of pudding...

Raven-haired Temptress: Richard? What was that?

Richard: What was what?

Raven-haired Temptress: Those voices? Is someone else here?

Richard: No. I haven't even moved my things in yet. It's just us.

Raven-haired Temptress: If this is a joke....

She felt a cold chill run up and down her spine! The cold, for some reason, made her hot, though! She ran out of the house like a bolt of lightning.

Richard: Blimey ... maybe this bloody house really is bloody haunted. Wow, she's.... gone. Finally!


To be Continued.....

Short Story Pre-Amble

I don't know how many people read these or are interested in them but I will write starting on September 1st and running up to October 31st a very scary ghost story again.

As far as Time and stuff... I could spend my quiet nights doing less constructive things than writing. I could play cartoonish farming simulators while listening to old radio shows from the 60s or something, but, writing is better. It is very mentally engaging to write something... even if the readership is low.

Well, last article we learned of Richard Harris's reason for wanting to live in the Haunted Tower House and it was under whelming to say the least as he only wished to steal the house away from under Liberace's diamond-piano-shaped-ringed thumb so he could scare off ladies he was growing slightly bored of by living in a ghost-infested mansion.

Liberace's reasons for wanting the house are obvious to anyone who has two degrees from two different esteemed Las Vegas universities in Liberacian studies (i.e. Me) and that's that he wanted to accumulate all manner of precious relics and artifacts to preserve and maintain so they could survive another generation. He was driven by a love for the past and for preservation of the past's beauty. He wanted the Tower House for the antiques.

Now, that's really all we need for our two main characters. They will be BASED on Richard Harris and Liberace... but since this story is fiction we shall give these characters new names.

Richard Harris shall be changed to Richard and Liberace shall be changed to Lee.

Danny LaRue is still involved as a character who is in many ways a go-between or a driver character to push the story along in some parts and stop-gap some plot holes along the way for the reader. He'll be called Danny.

We need a lady too. A very hot real estate agent who gets trapped in this whole mess with these three colorful people who wish to live in a ghost house. She'll have to negotiate and deal with these rogues... which won't be easy. She'll be like a Dorothy (Wizard of Oz) sorta character the reader can live vicariously through. Hmmm, maybe she'll be the narrator and lead voice... but then I'd have to write in the mind of a lady and I'm not sure I can do that.

No, I'll be the narrator and she'll be a sort of Dorothy-esque character the reader experiences the world of my incredibly fun yet scary fiction through. She needs a name though and Dorothy is too obvious. We'll call her Judy or Judith or something.

Now, this is the key here, I'm gonna to give you the big key to this whole mess that's gonna make it even more good... and that's... because.... that....

Lee's character is heavily going to be based on Liberace's exceptional performance in the hit film Sincerely Yours (1955, run time: 118 minutes) which has him in the completely totally believable scenario of being in a love triangle with his secretary and his fiancee. Oh and he's a concert pianist who goes deaf and then devotes his life to helping people in a park... but then he gets his hearing back... and goes back on tour and finally chooses which lady he wishes to marry.

This movie is genuinely funny. I'm not saying that in a mean way either. The fact that Liberace was a Batman villain on Adam West era Batman tells you what you need to know about him. He was a COMEDIC actor and he knew this! He knew how ridiculous this thing was, I'm sure.

Alright, so, we now have a love triangle between Richard, Lee and with Judith at the center of it. So, if you're a female reader... you're in luck... because a good chunk of this story is going to be the reader experiencing the text through the Judith character as BOTH Richard and Lee try to romance her and take her on expensive dates of varying success.

BUT....

Lest we not forget this is leading through September right on into ol' October... the month known mostly, of course, for All Hallow's friggin' WEEN! The Soft Romance of September shall quickly fall like leaves off of a gentle tree branch paving the way for a sharp turn in the narrative....

.... the joyful prose of autumn's brisk romance of our sultry Love Triangle shall erode from the narrative very quickly and the reader shall be shocked by how scary this story may (hopefully) become for as you recall from a few articles ago... we are not dealing with adult ghosts in this Tower House but children ghosts! Those are much scarier than full-sized adult ghosts. Much much much more scarier. Children ghosts are the worst! Remember The Shining? Those twins made me hide in the portion of a hide-a-bed couch for dear life! I still remember smelling the dust of being a small child hiding myself in a part of a couch that only really a small kid could access (and it also being a customized hide-a-bed couch with a lofty hiding place when the mechanism was unopened) and just freaking out about the two twin girls from The Shining. I thought I was like gonna DIE. That scene is the worst!

Yes... come October..........

Lee, Richard, Judith, and Danny.....

....shall be under a tremendous amount of terror, horror, and all-around malfeasance....

...as three unfortunate souls and their friend Danny shall be trapped inside a veritable Haunted House!




I'm gonna think of a title and I'll see you, reader, in September and all the way through October!!!

Tremors (1990)

I've been doing some research for the story I might write for Halloween this year. As I was saying last article, I am fascinated as to why Richard Harris, Liberace, and possibly Danny LaRue (though he seems to be a more supporting character in all this) were fighting over owning this very spooky Haunted House back in the late 1960s.

How I was looking at it and what was going through my head as to why when Richard Harris read about Liberace putting a bid on The Tower House in the Evening Standard he had a tremendous shock and ran out the door to acquire the house before Liberace could was because... how I perceived it... Richard Harris didn't want a gaudy American guy like him to own a cool spooky old Haunted House in London.

My dialogue for these characters would've been along the lines as something like this sample here:


Richard: Go back foulest villain to where thou cameth from! For this Haunted House shall solely be mine!

Liberace: A house this unique must be owned by me, Rich, the architecture and murals alone represent a historic value that far exceeds anything a Wild Irishman like you could ever comprehend. This Haunted House deserves to be one of my treasures. It is that wonderful! Now, please Danny, show this ruffian the door!

Danny LaRue: Shall do Lee....

Richard: Unhand me, foul villain!



Something like that, you know? But....

I've unearthed some statements in my research on the matter that, unfortunately, go against my initial thoughts as to why Richard Harris wanted to live in a ghost house. For in this interview with M. Parkinson, Harris specifically states why he wanted to live in a Haunted House in great detail as we shall see:

At the 5:10 mark,

Time-sensitive link: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q02FyXHYlFE&t=5m10s)

Richard Harris relates to Michael Parkinson implicitly the exact reason he wanted to live in a Haunted House... and....

...it was to break up with women.

Yeah.... in a way this is a let down. I mean I had all these ideas for dialogue already and thanks to this piece of evidence.... they all need to be scrapped.

He only wanted to live in a stupid ghost house so he could scare ladies away that he didn't want to proceed in a relationship with. It's a pretty childish reason to want to live in a Haunted House, I really must say, and it takes a lot of the mystique away from The Tower House.

I can still work with this, I think. I mean he still wants to live in it and so does Liberace... and Danny LaRue is still a factor. Right?

All of the noble dialogue and demeanor in the sample I gave to Richard needs to be altered significantly. Now a sample dialogue of my possible upcoming short story would be something more along the lines of this:



Richard: Liberace, you twit! You can't live in that Haunted House...

Liberace: Why not?

Richard: Look Lee, I'll level with ya, I met this smashing bird the other week down in Hammersmith and she was a whopper! We were madly madly in love and everything... but...

Liberace: But....what?

Richard: I've recently grown, yaaaawn, a bit bored of her, hmmm, her, hmmm, let us call them, her eccentricities. Yes, I tire of her eccentricities and need to live in this Haunted House to scare her away.

Liberace: Richard Harris! Well, I NEVER! How dare you!? You want to live in this beautiful house adorned wall-to-wall with priceless antiques and hand-painted murals just to scare women you've grown slightly tired of away? You are a true Irish scoundrel, Richard! You are nothing but a TRAMP!

Richard: Now hold on now, Lee...

Liberace: Danny, show this tramp the door!

Danny LaRue: Shall do Lee...

Richard: No! Listen! I NEED this house!



Hmmm.... you know I actually like it better this way with Harris as the bad guy. So, even with the unearthed evidence as to Harris's feelings sending my mental image map of this nonsense off-course... I think it still can be done by just switching Lee and Rich around as who's the good guy and bad guy.

I remember my story last year had this issue as well and was TOTALLY different than my original idea for it. Anyways...



Tremors (1990)

They were showing that film Tremors (1990) on TV a week or so ago... and man.... what a Classic. You can't just throw the word "classic" around all willy-nilly, you know, and also is it correct to call something from 1990 that? It was over 30 years ago this came out! Yet... it feels like only nothing but just yesterday.

Man, as a kid in 1990, I was scared of quicksand and lava and stuff... which are all floor-related pitfalls, right? I was like seven in 1990 and playing Mario 3 and dying in quicksand and stuff... I'd spend whole days not touching the floor by jumping from chair to couch to chair... all kids did this.

I read they are making a show called "The Floor is Lava" on TV soon... that should work. All kids at one point were scared of the floor. Tremors is quicksand or lava times 100 though. Worm Monsters. In the ground. That can come out. ANYTIME. ANYWHERE!

GASP says I! GASP!

I see Gremlins from that era making a huge cultural comeback the last few years but do young folks even know about Tremors? It's a true masterpiece too.

Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward (forever rest this man's eternal soul) team up to stop these things and its.... AMAZING! People talk about that six degrees this and that about Kevin Bacon like he's all about quantity and he's only super cool because he's been in so many films... no.... that's not why Kevin Bacon is cool.... Kevin Bacon is 100% about QUALITY, guys. He's a screen Icon and screen LEGEND.

Don't get me started on Michael Gross.

Okay, fine, let's get started on Michael Gross.

Michael Gross was the dad on Family Ties in the 1980s and every kid knew him as this likeable down-to-earth Dad's dad sorta dad sort of guy. He was the dad of Alex P. and Mallory. Everyone knew him. Type casting is a real thing in Hollywood where if you've built this fame around yourself off of one role... you can't try something new... or the audience will, for some reason, not want to see you do something new and they will be all weary of you.

As a kid, I was like, "why is the dad from Family Ties in this? What's he gonna do to help get rid of these worm monsters? Is he gonna sternly-but-fairly rebuke them and teach them a valuable life lesson? Pfffft."

Oh was I mistaken, friends. Oh, was I wrong about Michael Gross. Oh, my lands, was I in for a surprise.

Michael Gross? Guys, Michael Gross was a one-man worm-monster fighting-machine! This man couldn't be stopped! Along with Reba McEntire (his lovely wife) these two were like this hot-ass MacGyver couple who could make bombs and stuff and were a great boon to Kevin Bacon's and Fred Ward's resistance against the worm monsters that had invaded their small desert town.

Re-reading the first short story I ever wrote on here, The Swamp, I'd be remiss not to realize that Tremors (1990) was an influence. I mentioned once that Ace's story in Suikoden III was an influence on the writing style of it but the setting of that story, to me, re-reading it, is somewhat influenced by Tremors now that I think about it. Mine was a swamp town though there's was a dusty mountainy town.

Conclusion

In conclusion, if you've never seen Tremors, you definitely should.