A Spring Story: Volume III

 ...and now, ladies and also gentlemen... for your edification and human enjoyment... here is the stunning and thrilling conclusion to our story.


Chapter 10
The Global American World Nintendo Championship!


Julio was now walking almost three hundred gruelling steps per day while holding onto the padded railing of the hospital's recovery ward. He needed to get better soon and he needed to get stronger fast because his crew, who as of now were not only very very legit but were also counting on him, badly needed him to return to school so they could be reunited.

Woolly-Milton had phoned him and told him that he put Julio's name in the school's registry for The Global American World Nintendo Championship. He explained that it was to be in three weeks... and that phone call was now more than two weeks old... it was almost time.

He told his mother, the ever-gentle Juanita who was still bringing him home-cooked food almost every single day that he was in the hospital since his bicycle accident... that even if he was still in a wheel chair... he told his mother that he wanted to leave the hospital early. He would go back to school and compete in The Global American World Nintendo Championship... even if he had to be wheeled in. His hands still worked! All he really needed was his thumbs and his brain to play Mario when it came down to it!

Peter told him that the newest member of the former Triangle of T, now the Quadrangle of T, is so good at Super Mario that he must be on some kind of terribly illegal nintendo steroids of some manner. Apparently, people from the other homeroom, Mr. Schett's homeroom, told Peter that they play Super Mario Bros. 3 all morning in homeroom... and Thor Backlund is so good at it... that it is unholy. The kid is some sort of nintendo wonder boy.

When Matsuo phones him up... he used to help him beat Dragon Warrior (or Quest depending on what region you live in) II... and he finally beat it a couple of days ago. He defeated Malroth the Master of Destruction thanks to Matsuo's clever pro-tips and expert advice. Matsuo also informed his best pal, Julio, that Woolly-Milton Regular defeated the Quadrangle at the school's friday night cookout rap battle. Julio was so proud of his friends... he needed to get better... for them.

Just then his mother, the kind-hearted and warm Juanita, entered his room holding a yellow box!

"Julio! Your cousin, Jorge, works at a warehouse now that distributes movies and video games! He found the game you wanted and bought you a copy straight from the supplier! It's the one you were so anxious to get... Super Mario Bros. 3!" said his mother while holding up a box so yellow that it could be seen from five miles away.

Super... Mario... 3?

"Mama! Thank you so much! Gracias! Put it in the machine! Put it in the machine!" implored Julio.

His mother unwrapped the plastic seal, opened the yellow box, and tried to put the game into the nintendo but never had put a nintendo cartridge into a nintendo entertainment system previously in her life.

"Like...this?" she asked Julio.

"NO! THE OTHER WAY!" implored Julio who couldn't wait to play Mario 3 and train for the The Global American World Nintendo Championship.

"Like... what? Do I have to blow in it or something like you do? Like...THIS!?" she asked putting it in upside-down now.

"No! Put it with the thing facing up!" he explained.

"Oh... like this?" she asked.

"YES! AAAAAAAAAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I HAVE ONLY THREE DAYS LEFT! I HAVE TO TRAIN ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT!" said Julio.

"..." said his mother.


To Be Continued....


Meanwhile at the local McDing's...

"Hey Grease Boy! Come on, baby! Get that grease down into the hooooooooooooole!" sung-spoke Franky with one head-phone out as he instructed Peter to empty the grease trap while slapping down some meaty burgers onto the grill.

Peter had it down to a tee. He never burned himself anymore and actually enjoyed the fresh air he got as he left the back entrance to dump the grease and vile fats into their ad-hoc grease pit near the other store's garbage.

But alas...

When his work day was over... it was too late to have any fun. Between school, eating, watching his very educational Mr. T VHS tape, sleeping, and getting that grease into that hole... Peter had no free time whatsoever. He wasn't training at Mario at all. His skills were rusty and it showed. 

One weekend when he went to Woolly-Milton's to train at nintendo with Mat n' Milt... they noticed his skills were not what they once were. The same guy who beat Turtles for the NES with barely even getting touched, one of the hardest video games on the planet, could barely even speed run world 4 in Mario 1 anymore... his skills were tarnished... Mat and Milt were both more skilled than Peter at Mario at this point... which was deeply concerning to them.

Peter only had Saturday and Sunday to train and get back into top speed running form before the event... there simply wasn't enough time to get back into shape... and he knew it. He was very likely going to be the worst member of his nintendo team for The Global American World Nintendo Championship and it chewed away at his insides, something fierce, like a flesh-eating virus.

At the rock, after work, where the older kids smoke and drank... Peter came to inform them that he was very likely going to quit McDing's so he could focus on school and video games full time.

"Guys... look..." said Peter as he approached their smoking rock next to the grease hole.

"Greasy PETE! Finally gonna drink schnapps with us after work!? WOOOOOOO!" said Carla.

"What is it, Peter?" asked Kate who in Peter's eyes was a two-winged angel from heaven in human skin.

"I...lied to you guys... I'm... not fifteen... I'm thirteen... and I can't do this grease boy stuff anymore... I need to focus on school... and... something... more important than both school and work combined," solemnly stated Peter.

"..." said Kate with eyes wide-open.

"More important than both school and work combined? Oh you must mean partying!" naively spoke Howie who did not understand the gravity of Peter's situation.

"Haha! I hear ya, Peter..." said Jimmy the burger chef.

"No... guys... The Global American World Nintendo Championship... is being held at my school... and.. I'm in it," proudly said Peter.

"Like....WHOA!" said Jimmy.

"......." said the beautiful Kate.

"You know... like... why didn't you tell us!? That's going to be broadcast on WCYX Sports! You're gonna be on TV! You're right, Peter, some things ARE more important than grease and The Global American World Nintendo Championship is definitely one of them!" exclaimed Franky.

"Peter... can we... like... go watch? Can you... like, you know.... like... get us in?" asked Carla.

"Yeah... I get ten tickets for family and friends... I can get all of you in... if you want to come watch," said Peter.

"WHOA!" said Jimmy.

"You're so cool, Greasy Petey! I love you!" said Franky.

"Uh... Kate... uh... you're coming too?" asked Peter nervously to his beautiful manager.

"Of course! I'm gonna be in the front row cheering for you!" exclaimed Kate as Peter's heart melted.

Knowing that Kate his manager, the epitome of human beauty in his eyes, was going to be watching him play Mario at his school... reinvigorated him with the will of one million champions... he proudly clenched his fists and looked up to the night sky... and accepted his fate as a champion.

Sleep deprivation, nor hunger, nor homework could crush his spirit now that he knew the most beautiful female on earth was going to watch him play video games at his school... nothing could stop him now.


To Be Continued...

The very next day at the school's top secret Mario Lab in Mr. Schett's homeroom the Quadrangle was assembled to train at Mario even on Saturday....

"We have to play this shit on Saturday too!? What the fuck, Mr. Schett!?" exclaimed Thor in a booming monotone voice.

"The tournament's in three days, you MERCENARY, now keep practising the third Mario while I read the official rules handed to me from the nintendo commitee..." connived Mr. Schett. 

Mr. Schett rummaged through his fat desk that was full of chocolate bar wrappers, beef jerky wrappers, and all kinds of cool stuff he confiscated from students over the semester... he passed by the Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles for the NES manual he confiscated from Julio all that time ago...

"To think, I used to curse nintendo as being a product from the Devil himself to ruin my students brains... now... I have become the greatest nintendo coach in history... go figure," said the stupid fat man.

He found the rules inside his messy desk, while the Quadrangle trained at Mario, he opened up the rules and read them.

"Teams of three or four may compete. Okay, that's simple enough, this nintendo stuff sounds easy," read Mr. Schett.

"One member of each team will play one of the stellar Super Mario Bros. entertainment video games and are allowed one substitute in the case that a member can't compete or can't succeed. This substitution is a one-time option only... once used the substitute cannot be used again in a later round. One sub? Hmmm.... that leads to all sorts of training options... we can train someone just to play one part and sub-in when the time comes...." schemed the fat man.

"Thor! Which game is giving you guys the most trouble?" asked Mr. Schett to his trusted mercenary.

"I'm cruising along Mario 3, Trent is doing pretty okay at Mario 2... everyone is having trouble at World 8 in Mario 1... especially Troy..." explained the ringer Thor.

"...." said Troy.

"I see... as your brilliant Mario coach... I think we'll only make Tex play World 8 in Mario 1 until he has mastered it. He will sub-in for Troy when he reaches Mario 1 World 8... like a give-and-go when they play soccer. Trent will play Mario 2... and of course... my precious mercenary shall play Mario 3..." explained, Mr. Schett, the dastardly teacher.

"I have to play World 8 all day, all weekend, I...I... I was supposed to go to the Shake n' Rib shack with my folks tommorow!" whined Tex.

"You can't!" countered Mr. Schett.

"...." said Troy.

"When did nintendo become so hard? I still remember when... not-so-long-ago, there was a time when nintendo was fun..." wistfully thought Trent as he stared at the ceiling after beating Wart in Mario 2 for the 10th straight time that day.


Meanwhile at Woolly-Milton Regular's...

Milt n' Mat were getting their final training regimens in before the tournament. They were also reading the rule book provided by the nintendo committee.

"The team that wins the most rounds will win. The rounds are Super Mario Bros. 1, Super Mario Bros. 2, and Super Mario Bros. 3... the rules say we each play a Mario and we can have one substitute if something goes wrong..." read Woolly-Milton.

"What could go wrong while playing video games?" asked Matsuo.

"I dunno... people can get tired or maybe they have to go pee... I guess," guessed Woolly-Milton.

"Hmmm... I suggest you play Mario 2 for you have equalled or surpassed my ability at the game. I shall play Mario 1... that way we are hopeful to take two rounds right off the bat. If myself and yourself win Mario 1 and Mario 2... we shall still win the entire event... as for the mysterious Mario 3 we will just forfeit the round... and still walk away victorious... Woolly-san," suggested Matsuo, who at this point, unfortunately was not even factoring the awol Peter into the equation of his divine stratagems.

"Hmmm.... okay... so you keep training at One... stop doing Two... I'll stick to Two... and... yeah, that's the best course of action, Funk, we'll get the job done at One n' Two and just let them take Three... in the end we'll win two rounds to one... and take home the gold!" shouted the ever-confident Woolly-Milton Regular.


Meanwhile at the Hospital...

Julio had just finished his walking session. For the first time since his accident... he walked 500 steps continuously and didn't hold onto the padded railing for the last fifty!

"Julio, your mother... told me that we need to book an adaptive transportation service for you on Monday... she told me that you..." started the sweet Nurse Kimberly with tears beginning in her eyes as she spoke because she was so proud at how much progress Julio has made in such a short time.

"I know... there's something I must do on Monday... Nurse Kimberly...." proudly stated Julio as he wiped the sweat from his brow as he sat back down in his wheel-chair.

"She told me you are playing in the The Global American World Nintendo Championship!" exclaimed the nurturing Nurse Kimberly as she threw her arms around Julio and hugged him.

"I am. I am... even if I can't fully walk again, yet, I need to go play in it... because my friends... they need me," said Julio through sweat and tear.


To Be Continued.....


Chapter 11
Round 1: Matsuo vs. Troy
Intro Music: Spartan X 


The next three days went by without a sound nor sight of interest. Everyone just trained at Mario. When the day of the big tournament came, the school day went by without problem, like a gentle calm before a wild storm.

When Mat and Milt's mothers dropped them off and wished them luck they were in shock when they looked around... the soccer field had been transformed into an outdoor arena... and there were officials, security guards, and reporters of all stripes running around setting up cameras and other expensive-looking equipment.

"How many people are they expecting?" asked one suited official maybe a big-wig fat-cat TV producer of some variety.

"Over five thousand... they sold all the tickets a week ago already..." answered a female official.

They saw the Quadrangle already being interviewed by a female reporter...

"Your team is the favorite, are you confident you can play Super Mario for the great Nintendo Entertainment System available at all major retailers currently at an extremely reasonable price tag... under this much pressure?" she asked while pointing a microphone to Tex's face.

"Oh... I love the pressure. I love it," answered Tex douchebaggingly.

"Yeah... we do better under pressure unlike that loser Woolly-Milton and his evil little Chinese friend," said Troy.

"You guys sure do have quite the large following at such a young age, as over five thousand fans have gathered to watch you young video gamers show your skills to the world," said the reporter.

"Yeah," said Thor emotionlessly. 

"Now take it away Jimmy and Scott," she said pointing a table set up near the soccer field.

Mat n' Milt walked by the announce table and the reporter to try and get to where they were told to present their player's pass to... it was so crowded and no one knew or even cared who they were. They assumed the principal just told the news people that the Quadrangle was important and the other team was not. No one cared to even look at them as they made their way to the center of the soccer field.

"I'll be your corner man for Mario 1, Funk, if these people start booing us or some shit... I have your back... I'll root for you from your corner even if I'm the only one," encouragingly stated Woolly-Milton.

They presented their passes to security and were escorted to the playing area.

Their parents, Mr. and Mrs. Regular as well as Mrs. Fujiwarahito sat in the area for family and friends next to the stage.

"Hi, Mrs. Fujiwarahito... I am Milton's father... I came as fast as I could from work... I wouldn't miss this for the world...your son and my son are very close friends. I hope they can play well," said Mr. Regular.

"Thank you... your son is a very honorable and respectful young man... my son says he always stands up to injustice of all forms and aligns himself with other just people," gratefully stated Mrs. Fujiwarahito.

"Arigato gozaimasu, Mrs. Fujiwarahito-san," said Mrs. Regular.

"You learned some Japanese? I am very impressed but please call me Saeko," replied the gentle Saeko.

Just then a group of rambunctious teenagers arrived and sat in the family and friends section of the fair grounds. It was Peter's friends from work but missing was Franky, who drew the smallest straw, and who stayed behind to do the late shift or they'd get in trouble.

"Hello! We're Peter's friends from work!" said Carla.

"Hello... um... have any of you seen Peter? Um.... he didn't come in my wife's car with my son and Funky Mat..." asked Mr. Regular.

"He was helping Franky when we left... he said he'd do one more hour helping him in the kitchen before coming here... he felt bad for Franky having to work all alone, I guess," said Howie.

"That was three hours ago, though..." worryingly said Kate.

"He hasn't been over to play Mario at our house with the other boys in a long time. I'm worried... poor Julio's in the hospital and Peter isn't here... their team will lose by forfeit at this rate... Woolly'll be so sad..." sadly stated Mrs. Regular.

"Milton told me this might happen. That's why he trained at Two and Funky Mat trained at One... if they can take two rounds and forfeit the last... they can still win," said Mr. Regular.

"...." worryingly said Mrs. Fujiwarahito as she looked into the night's sky.

The announcers thus began speaking over the loud speaker...

"Welcome, America, to the first ever Global American World Nintendo Championship! I'm your host Jimmy Williams and I'm joined by my long-time colleague and close-personal friend Scott Belvedere. We will be your eyes and ears on the scene for the next few hours as we present to you a Mario Meltdown, a Mario Overload... and a happening... it will be a happening!" stated Jimmy.

"That it will be, Jim, now let's present to you our opening contestants in round one... we will have Troy, a self-proclaimed soccer-enthusiast who, I quote, lives by the advice of his cool coach Mr. Schett who taught Troy everything he knows about Mario..." said Scott.

"I never said that!" yelled Troy in the background.

"He will be going against... Mat "Funk" Fujiwarahito... described on his registration as... 'a clever and funky brother who loves to boogie,'... alright... that should be a great match-up," said Scott the color commentator.

"You wrote that I love to boogie on my registration, Woolly-San?" asked Matsuo.

"Of course," replied Woolly-Milton with a smile on his face.

"Get up their, KID, we're LIVE!" yelled a production assistant at Matsuo.

"Oh! Yes! Arigato! Yes..." said Mat as he nervously walked to the Nintendo on stage...


Meanwhile at the Hospital...

"Where is the adaptive transport!? I told them to be here an HOUR ago!" complained Juanita.

"...." worried Julio.

"They're outside! Come on Julio!" exclaimed Nurse Kimberly.

"Nurse Kimberly... can you come to? You've helped me so much... I need you there to cheer for me while I play... please?" pleaded Julio to the gentle nurse who helped him re-learn to walk once anew.

"Of course I'll come watch... but hurry... we have to get you down the elevator right away!" said Nurse Kimberly as she guided Julio's wheel chair to the elevator.


Meanwhile at the Hole near the Rock at McDing's...

"You're really gonna wimp-out!? You're really gonna chicken out!? You're really not gonna go!? Peter! WHAT THE FUCK!?" cried Franky the burger cook with tears pouring out of his eyes.


To Be Continued...


"Alright, welcome back from the commercial break, back to this grand event, The Global American World Nintendo Championship! We are live and you are joining us in progress. Our contestants are both at their respective nintendo entertainment systems, available at all major retailers near you. This event is brought to you by Nintendo, Bigfoot's Pizza, and Dave's Transfer Van Lines! Well, Scott, you're no stranger to nintendo, who is your pick to click in round numero uno?" said Jimmy the announcer.

"You got me, Jim, I mean... I've covered sports in this city for twenty-some-odd years now and this is my first nintendo event. I will have to go with Troy... I mean the kid has something special about him. The other kid in the A's shirt and Mets cap... looks like a fish-out-of-water... like a mess... like a kid who just couldn't be any good at all at something as difficult as nintendo," said Scott the color commentator.

"Let's get a feed on that kid... see what he's all about... before they start," said one of the production people in the booth.

A female reporter walked up to Matsuo...

"Mat, or Funk, you seem like you are from the orient or some mysterious foreign land... have you ever seen a nintendo entertainment system before... let alone ever played one?" asked the unknowledgeable female reporter with a big over-exagerated smile on her face and with a big poofy helmet-on-her-head Mary Hart style hairdo.

"Um...excuse... me... I am Japanese. I hail from Japan the birthplace of Nintendo. I grew up three blocks away from Nintendo's corporate headquarters. I have passed by it on my bicycle on the way to school numerous if not a myriad of times. I have played nintendo since it was released in 1983 in my home country. I think I shall be able to handle it, thank you very much," replied the polite yet confident Matsuo.

The crowd, all five thousand of them, started to cheer and to shout positively after hearing Matsuo's opening statements.

"YEAH! GET 'EM! FUNK! TAKE DOWN THE QUADRANGLE!" shouted the boy with bushy eye-brows as he stood on his folding chair.

"Gambatte! Gambatte! Gambatte Matsuo!" cheered his mother from the stands.

The entire crowd cheered for Matsuo like an untamed mob! The crowd was going wild! They wanted to see him take down the Quadrangle for no one in town liked them anymore!

"You seem to have, a lot, of supporters out here tonight, Mat... uhhhh..." said the perplexed reporter as her helmet-of-hair began to sweat and become dishevelled due to the immense noise from the out-of-control crowd.

"Yes. I've witnessed this previously, this phenomenon, at the Friday night school cook out as well... when Woolly-san defeated the Quadrangle at a highly ceremonious rap battle. The student body, my fellow students, were in our favor and offered us support, then, similar to this reaction that you see and hear with your eyes and ears, right now. It is exactly as my close friend and ally, Peter-san, said..." began Matsuo.

"...and what's that?" asked the now very interested reporter who's hair had been re-set by a crew member while Matsuo spoke.

"...the tides have turned," coolly and matter-of-factly spoke Matsuo into the microphone to the school and to the world watching at home.

"..." said the speechless reporter at the ominous line he spoketh as she turned around to see the masses, the people, all five thousand of them cheering for Matsuo.

"I believe your line, Miss Reporter-san, should be something like, 'and back to you Jim...', or something of that nature. We are live, apparently, they have told me," said the calm and collected funky brother Matsuo Fujiwarahito.

"Yes, uh... and back to you, Jim!" said the reporter.

The crowd was roaring like a lion! It was truly amazing. Matsuo's mother, the kind, caring, and ever-gentle Saeko could not believe this reaction as she looked around with tears in both of her eyes out of pride for her honorable son.

"Wow! These people are going nuts out here! All this over some nintendo!? This is amazing!" exclaimed the astonished Mr. Regular.

"This is a lot of pressure... I hope my Woolly can handle it," said the nervous Mrs. Regular.

"I'm sure he can, Mrs. Regular-san. By the way, this word Woolly, it is like a sheep's wool? It is not a common American name," said Mrs. Fujiwarahito as she implied to find out the meaning of Woolly-Milton's name.

"Well, yeah, but... it's not why he's named Woolly-Milton. I wanted to name him Milton after my father... but..." began Mr. Regular.

"...I hated that name. His father was a good man, a military man, who served in the war... but... that name Milton... it wasn't what I wanted to call my son," continued Mrs. Regular.

"Hmmm... she was young and more naive back then, Saeko, and..." started Mr. Regular as he began shaking his head.

"...I liked that song that used to go Woolly! Bully! Woolly! Bully! In the end, we settled on not naming him Milton... but... Woolly-Milton. He calls him Milton... while I call my baby Woolly," finished Mrs. Regular.

"..." said Saeko Fujiwarahito.

"He's right... I was young... and a little whackier back in those times..." admitted Mrs. Regular.

"Anyways... GO MILTON!" cheered Mr. Regular.

"GO GET 'EM, WOOLLY! WOOLLY!" cheered Mrs. Regular.

"GO FIGHT, WOOLLY-SAN! GAMBATTE, GAMBATTE MILTON!" cheered Saeko.

Next to the Regulars and Saeko were Peter's work friends who were now very worried. The ever-beautiful Kate, Peter's manager, had left to go find a pay phone to call McDing's. After walking for a while around the school grounds she finally found one.

Kate put her root beer can on top of the pay phone, dug around her pocket for a quarter, she found a shaved-slug quarter in her pocket that Howie gave her to save twenty-five cents on phone calls, she inserted the fake quarter into the pay phone... and called up McDing's.

After, twenty-fve rings, Franky finally answered the call!

"Yo! What!? I'm busy in here! Jimmy if this is you messing with me, man! I'm on cash, burgs, fries, and I still have to mop n' close! WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" yelled Franky into the phone.

"Franky!? Where's Peter?" asked Kate frantically.

"Grease boy!? He chickened out, Kate. He's out by the fat hole... puking his little brains out! He's lost all nerves and is literally freakin' and wigging the fuck out right now!" explained Franky of this bizarre situation to his manager Kate.

"Oh no... Peter... oh no... please find him... let me talk to him... Franky... there's thousands of people here cheering for him and his friends. I can't even believe how insane this is! He wouldn't believe this if he saw it... please let me talk to him... PLEASE," pleaded Kate to Franky.

Kate explained the situation on her end to Franky who then ran out back and began shouting at Peter who was over the fat hole, mid-puke, to try and convince him to snap out of his nervous breakdown.

"PETER! Kate's on the phone asking for you... she says... uh... the Regulars and Saeko Fujiwarahito are asking where you are!" proclaimed Franky.

"...Kate?" said Peter who instantly stopped puking as he heard that name, the sweetest and most beautiful sounding name on earth and in the entire universe.

"YES! KATE! YOU GREASY LITTLE FUCKING STUPID ASSHOLE!" said the uncouth Franky who was prone to foul language.

Peter wiped his mouth and put the wooden pallet back on the vile fat hole and ran to answer the phone. He stopped wigging and whining and put on a suave cool-guy voice to answer the greasy McDing's phone.

"Uh, yo, uh, Kate... like... you know... like... what's up? Everything okay, my manager?" asked the dopey Peter.

"NO! NOTHING IS OKAY! THERE'S THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE BEHIND US! WE'RE IN THE FRONT ROW! THERE'S THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE CHEERING FOR YOUR TEAM! WOOLLY-MILTON AND MAT! THEY CALL HIM THE FUNKY BROTHER! PEOPLE ARE YELLING... FUNK, FUNK, FUNK! THIS IS INSANE! JIMMY AND CARLA PRE-DRANK BEFORE COMING AND SAY THIS IS WILDER THAN THE GUNS AND ROSES CONCERT THEY WENT TO! IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, OUT OF ACTUAL FUCKING CONTROL OVER HERE! WHERE ARE YOU, PETER!?" asked Kate.

"Uhhh... I'm helping Franky close... we had a lot of customers and stuff," lied Peter who was actually freaking out and puking in a hole thirty seconds prior to answering this phone call.

"Peter! Just tell Watch Guy to fill in and close the cashes and lock up for you guys! FUCK!" swore Kate into the phone as she gave Peter his latest orders as his manager.

"Watch Guy? He...works?" asked Peter, barely even remembering, Watch Guy was there... probably in the back room playing solitaire.

Franky over-hearing the phone call ran into the back room and found Watch Guy.

"Yo! Watch Guy! Can you close for us? We gotta go! Thanks, WG!" said Franky.

"Okay... no problem," answered Watch Guy.

"Okay... Kate... uh... my friend... uh... I mean... my manager... uh.... I mean my manager friend... I mean," stammered the stuttering love-sick Peter.

"UGH! Peter! Just get over here! No-duh-HICKEY! Tell Franky to bring you here on his motorcycle! Woolly's dad is telling Funk's mom that, like, if you and this other kid, Julio, don't show up... your team will lose by forfeit. There's a crowd of people cheering you guys on like you're in the fucking olympics or some shit! Get on Franky's hog and get your ass down here... right now," implored his manager Kate.

"Okay... I will," said Peter with renewed confidence and strength in his chest.

As Watch Guy began taking the last orders from the straglagging customers not-even-aware it was almost closing time... Franky and Peter skeddadled out the back door and ran to Franky's motorcycle. 

"Franky... is it safe to go two on this thing? Is it fast enough to get us there in time?" nervously asked Peter.

"Greasy Petey... looky-here... this fucking bike is... systematic! It is Hyyyydroooo-matic! This fucking motorcycle is... ultra-fucking-matic! Why!? This mother fucker is... GREASED fucking LIGHTNING!" proclaimed Franky as he threw Peter a helmet, jumped on the bike, and revved it up!

"VROOOM! VRRRRRM! VROOOOOOOOOOOM!" replied the motorcycle as he revved!

"Wait... I gotta change first. I can't go in my McDing's uniform," protested Peter who was covered in grease and fat.

"No time! Here take my leather jacket, baby, it'll cover up those grease rags on your skin, baby! Now come on! We gotta get you to the The Global American World Nintendo Championship!" instructed Franky the burger chef.

"Gotcha!" said Peter.


To Be Continued...



"Let's wish a warm and meaningful Welcome Back to our home-viewing audience from that entertaining and informative commercial break... now both our contestants, the affable Troy and the beloved-by-his-comrades Mat... shall be going head to head in... Mario One!" explained Jimmy the announcer.

"First off will be World 1-1, a simple level, my notes say to expect the players to power up early to avoid damage-dealing-in-death. Pitfalls are a concern as falling into a pitfall will result in losing a man or life. The player who beats Bowser and rescues the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom the fastest shall be the winner," explained Scott the color commentator.

The crowd was cheering loudly as both youths approached their respective consoles. They were chanting "FUNK, FUNK, FUNK," in support of Matsuo.

"Gambatte!" said Saeko passionately.

...and they were OFF! Troy vs. Mat at Super Mario Bros. 1! They both came out of the gate like wildebeests of speed. Both jumped over the first goombah and hit the block to get the first mushroom... and hopefully the last mushroom they'd need before the end of the game. They were both highly trained at this point, both playing this game everyday for weeks now, and it showed. The crowd stopped cheering and sat in respective awe. They were watching it like it was now a violin recital... a display of immaculate skill, concentration, and passion. They watched in reverence as both players finished the first level of Mario One almost at the exact same time.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Several fireworks went off as they both jumped off the flag pole and entered the first dungeon.

"Why is the foreign exchange student so good at this, too?" asked the uncompromising and condescending Mrs. Dongyschotts from her private viewing area where she was sipping wine slowly.

"Hmmm... this is bad... the last thing we need is a youth oriented rebellion... on live television!" worried Principal Dorksmund.

"This revolution... will not be televised, my friend... trust me. I trained these kids at nintendo myself. They can't lose. The student uprising shall be quelled on live broadcast cable television... for the world to see. The whole world shall watch their misguided rebellion fail," assured Mr. Schett to his principal.

 "Good," said Principal Dorksmund as he sipped his light rosé and sinisterly smiled.

While level 2 loaded up on the screen... Matsuo made a small Shinto prayer with his two hands together... he asked God to not forsake his enemy but for that God must accept the fact that for the foreseeable future... Troy was now his enemy... and acknowledged God as such. He asked God to give both he and his enemy... strength.

The next level, 1-2 went easily... both knew where the warp was and hit the jump over the end of the level like it was nothing but common knowledge to skip to World 4 from here. Any kid who had a subscription to Nintendo Power magazine knew about these warps by now... and no one was surprised when both players warped.

"Nice warp," said Scott.

"Indeed, both players getting that warp with ease," agreed Jimmy.

Matsuo hit World 4, hard, and just like he did on the soccer field... he began to display why Woolly called him the Funk. He was running over the level like a man possessed... he shimmy and shook the controller and thusly Mario... as he jumped and ducked under the terrible spiked-eggs Lakitu threw from his cloud high atop the level...and took a commanding lead in 4-1 over Troy!

"That's it! Go! Go! Go Funk! Go!" yelled his corner-man Woolly-Milton who was cheering as loudly as the crowd was.

Matsuo hit the secret tube of 4-1, Big, but wanted Fire for Bowser... he ran and duck-jump-slid under the block above the tube and wiggled out the back and went back into the pipe.. flawlessly.

"I didn't even know you could get that block when you're big," said the amazed Jimmy, the one who works at McDing's with Peter, not to be confused with the announcer who is also named Jimmy.

"Shit," said Tex from Troy's corner.

"You're still taking over at World 8... even if it's a blowout. Funk might die by accident and we can still use you to blow past eight and seal it back up," said Thor.

"I know, but... hey... don't call him Funk! He's not even that funky! He's a stupid butthole-brain!" countered Tex.

"Whatever, I have nothing personal against him like you twerps do, I think he's great at nintendo... now, take your track jacket off... get ready to go in soon!" shouted the angry Thor his voice like bolts from heaven... an angry heaven.

"Getting Fire with ease for Funky Mat... nice hook around the block... got that fire-flower for Mario without missing a beat or a second," said Jimmy the announcer.

"Great job!" congratulated Scott on Matsuo's fine gamesmanship.

Matsuo was now entering 4-2...

"Next warp is coming up," explained Howie to the McDing's crew.

"Really?" asked Kate who wasn't talented at video games.

"Yeah... it's in the beanstalk block... you'll see," replied Howie.

Level, 4-2, went off without a hitch for both players... but Matsuo was much better at this game than Troy was... he trained harder, like a samurai at it, and it showed... Matsuo was almost at the beanstalk block while Troy was just beginning 4-2. The lead was pronounced at this juncture of the match.

Troy hit the middle block in the bottom right set of mystery blocks before the elevator jump before the beanstalk block... to get Fire for Bowser. They were now... both playing with Fire.

"Nice power-pick-up by Troy, hittin' that middle block for the fire flower... he also didn't waste very much time achieving fire-power for Bowser," announced Jimmy.

"It's a great place to get that fire-flower and fire-power to light up Bowser... he wasn't as technically proficient at getting a fire-flower as Funky Mat was... but still... an acceptable fire-flower pick-up by Troy who is not far behind Mat in 4-2," commentated Scott.

Mat came off the orange perforated elevator and hit the beanstalk block with ease!

"Great hit on the beanstalk block by Mat," said Scott.

Meanwhile, Troy clumsily hit the bricks under the beanstalk block and then had to duck-jump under the mystery block to get the beanstalk to sprout, like a damned buffoon, which ate up another three to four seconds... and put him even further behind.

"Great going! Nice Nintendo! Go Mat!" said Mrs. Regular.

Matsuo ran under the coins on the mushroom sky area the beanstalk led to. Not being a man of greed, he didn't even look at the golden coins... seeing them only as an obstacle. Whilst, Troy, when he finally got to that area picked up all the coins... due to his innate greed... and lost another two seconds to Mat.

"Mat's a man of honor... he cares not for coin nor lucre," quietly nodded Woolly-Milton in respect for his best pal.

World Eight...

"Time!" yelled the monotone Thor.

Thor, the Quadrangle's acting unofficial team captain, called for a break in play. Tex ran up onto the stage to relieve Troy of his duties...

"What's going on?" asked Kate from the family and friends seating area.

"They are allowed one substitution the rule book says... I guess they want to get their fourth guy a chance to play. It won't make a difference anyways... Funk is too good at this nintendo stuff," explained Mr. Regular who had read the rule book Woolly-Milton received while brushing off the situation with his right hand as if it mattered not.

"Oh," said Kate.

"Mat keep playing! You don't have to pause if they do!" informed Woolly-Milton.

"Aye! Woolly-san!" agreed Matsuo as he began level 8-1.

Just then! As Tex approached to take over, he passed Matsuo along the way... and... shoulder tackled him... like they were playing soccer!

"What in the hell!?" yelled Mrs. Regular.

The crowd booed and went insane like never before! They could not believe what they had just witnessed before their very own eyes! People were so outraged that they commenced throwing garbage at Tex! They were throwing hot-dog wrappers, soda cans, and drink cups at the redneck who slammed into the poor unsuspecting Matsuo!

"Oh no..." said Matsuo as he looked up at his screen... his Mario had fallen into a pitfall... he lost a life and Fire power.

"Objection! Objection your honor!" yelled Woolly-Milton from Matsuo's corner but it fell on deaf ears.

"What does the rule book say about bodily contact, Scott, anything?" asked the shocked announcer Jimmy from the booth.

"I read nothing about that. This is a video game competition... we weren't told anything about bodily contact amongst the contestants...it's... wow... it's... what the heck..." replied Scott.

"I told him to do that," said the evil Mr. Schett from his private viewing area as he sipped fine wine.

"Good," said Dorksmund.

The crowd was enraged, five thousand people wanted him to be banned and disqualified, but nothing like this had ever happened in this fairly new sport and no legal precedent existed for dealing with shoulder tackles. There were no yellow nor red cards in Mario! The crowd booed and booed for it was all they could do!

Tex picked up the nintendo controller and started slamming through World 8 as he had trained to do for many weeks, he didn't even remember what Worlds one through seven even looked like... he only knew how to play World 8 at this point. He was already done 8-1 while Mat was only through half of it after his respective Mario fell into a pitfall due to being shoulder tackled by Tex.

"...." said Saeko who was utterly shocked to see what her son had to endure.

"It's not right, Saeko, it is not right..." said Mrs. Regular to comfort her but to no avail.

"This is the most fucked-up shit imaginable! What the fuck!?" yelled Jimmy the fry cook not the announcer.

"They have fire for Bowser... Funk is small... this... this is bad," said Howie giving his opinion on the matter at hand.

"Where's Peter? They need him... they might lose One, right off the bat... that means they literally lose the entire thing," thought Carla out loud.

"..." replied the worried Kate. 

"Unprecedented to see actual physical contact in this event... um... seems there's nothing in the rules against it..." said Jimmy the announcer.

"No, I've been informed, both teams have been warned if any violence or future physical contact is made... the team in question shall be disqualified. It's a shame but this rule couldn't have been conceived to even have a reason to exist prior to tonight. What a shameful display..." explained Scott who had received the official mandate from the nintendo committee on the matter.

"Are you still rooting for Troy's team?" asked Jimmy.

"Heavens no, old chum, after that cowardly display of unsportsmanlike conduct... I am hereby renouncing my previous pick to click prediction and am now officially rooting for Woolly-Milton, Mat... and their mystery partners whom no one has even seen yet... Julio and Peter," explained Scott who had switched allegiances on-air for the world to see.

"My sentiments as well, my close and trusted personal friend... GO MAT! FUNK! FUNK! FUNK!" proclaimed Jimmy into the microphone.

"FUNK! FUNK! FUNK!" yelled the crowd.

"GO FUNK! GET DOWN WITH THE BOOGIE!" cheered Woolly-Milton.

Eight-one, Eight-two, Eight-three... they went by in a flurry! Matsuo had caught up and was now neck-and-neck with Tex.

"Tex still possesses the advantage even after the Funky soul-brother Mat has narrowed the gap... for Tex has Fire... while Mat lost his Fire after falling into a pitfall thanks to Tex's unsportsmanlike conduct. It will be a national shame and a national tragedy if this foul mule of a competitor, Tex, takes round one!" angrily commentated Scott.

"You're telling me, old chum, a complete travesty!" agreed Jimmy.

"Mat! You've trained at this small, big, with fire, and without! You still got this! You still got this!" encouraged Woolly-Milton.

Woolly-Milton put his hands together and shot-up a Shinto for Matsuo!

Matsu boogied through 8-4, just like he was dribbling on the soccer field! Cho Cho SAMBA! Cho Cho SAMBA! Jigezagu SAMBA! Jigezagu SAMBA!

He made it to Bowser! Matsuo back-jumped over the hammer brother and under the fire ball! He stopped-on-a-dime and then he half-jumped through Bowser's hammers and then slid underneath the monster! He hit the axe! The bridge collapsed! He did it!

"YES! YES!" yelled Mr. Regular.

"WOAH!" exclaimed Howie.

"Great going! You did it!" said Mrs. Regular. 

But when they looked at the gentle Saeko they saw her with her face in her hands... she was not cheering...

"I knew my son would do it... so I was watching the other screen the whole time... he... lost," said Saeko Fujiwarahito.

When the crowd realized this... they stopped cheering and resumed booing.

"You suck! You suck TEX!" yelled the kid with the bushy eyebrows.

"Photo finish here ladies and gentlemen but as you viewers at home have probably surmised from our camera angles and state-of-the-art split-screen presentation... you probably knew sooner than the live audience... that... indeed Tex destroyed Bowser with fireballs and saved the Princess a good full second before Mat hit the axe, destroyed the bridge, drowned Bowser in lava... and saved the Princess," announced Jimmy.

"Yes, it is official... the times are...Troy and Tex's combined time... five minutes and eighteen seconds. Mat... five minutes and nineteen seconds," sadly stated Scott.

Matsuo... lost.


To Be Continued...



Chapter 12
Round 2: Trent vs. Woolly-Milton 
Intro Music: Renegades of Funk (Cool Cover Version)

Matsuo sauntered off stage and slowly, shamefully, walked back to the staging area where there were bottles of water and towels. He placed a towel over his head, to hide his face from the crowd, and opened a bottle of generously provided mineral water.

"..." said Saeko as she watched her honorable son walk away in defeat.

The Regulars didn't know what to say... everyone was distraught... they looked to their right and saw Peter's work friends in tears. It was a terrible scene. Everyone was so sad... what they just collectively witnessed was truly a tragedy and a miscarriage of justice. This moment in human history was nothing short of a travesty of epic proportions.

The Quadrangle was celebrating and congratulating each other after their controversial win. The female reporter with the Mary Hart hairdo came over to interview them after their thrilling yet highly controversial round one victory.

"Looks like round one goes to your team, Troy and Tex, how do you boys feel about pulling out a photo finish at the end?" asked the oblivious woman who could not read the room and didn't even notice that the crowd was in shock over their dastardly cheating.

"Well, it was, like I said... we do it better under pressure. Oh yeah!" said the victor Tex with stunning levels of douchebaggery in his voice.

Trent walked over and grabbed the mic... he had the mic in his hand...

"YEAH! We did it! Now it's my turn! Woolly-Milton you may think you're a better goalie than me, which you're not, and you may think you're better at Mario Two than me, but you're not, and now it's time for me to re-dawn my purple gloves... but not to go in nets for a re-match... but to protect my thumbs and gaming fingers from getting blisters. I'm going to go NUTS on that controller! I'm about to lose my mind and go CRAZY on that controller!" proclaimed Trent to the world as he adjusted his purple goalie gloves which he claimed were now nintendo gloves.

"Those are some pretty cool gloves, Trent, you sure do look prepared," said the reporter.

"Now? Now... I'm playing with Power!" proclaimed Trent as he clapped his cool purple gloves together and made a fist with his right hand as he cut hot promos into the hard cam.

The crowd booed incessantly... they absolutely hated these guys. They still couldn't believe what they saw.

In the family and friends seating area...

"Apologies my new friends for my son's defeat... he has brought shame to our people," said the devastated Saeko.

"Saeko, no, no, no, no.... no... they cheated! The Quadrangle cheated. The crowd hates them... they are throwing whole entire styrofoam hot dogs boxes at them. They have brought shame to their people. Matsuo got back up and still almost won. There's nothing to feel bad about," comforted Mrs. Regular.

"The Quadrangle is Unforgivable..." solemnly stated Mr. Regular as she shook his head in dismay at the Quadrangle's low class behavior.

"Kate, did you talk to Franky?" asked Jimmy the fry chef.

"Yeah, he's bringing Peter here. They won't just lose by forfeit... he'll be here for round three. I promise," assuredly said Kate.

"Milton still has to win round two before we can even start thinking about round three. Damn, damn, damn. I didn't know this nintendo business was such serious business... damn... I didn't know how important to the actual fabric of society this game was. If I only knew sooner... I would have done more to help... I would've let Milton play nintendo on the bigger TV in the living room instead of the smaller one in the basement..." said Mr. Regular regretfully.

"When he wanted to stay up all night long and have a sleep over with Mat so they could train as he called it... I should've let them stay up all night long and play Mario... if I only knew how important this was... and that it was gonna be on TV... I would have even made them snacks at two in the morning... like spaghetti or something... while they played..." said Mrs. Regular regretfully.

Meanwhile, Woolly-Milton approached Matsuo who was still sitting with a towel over his head and face, in the staging area...

"No interviews, please," said Matsuo as he heard someone approaching.

"It's me, Mat... yo... it's... I can't believe it... I..." started Woolly-Milton not knowing what to say.

"My sincerest apologies for walking down a path of defeat... Woolly-San. I understand if you do not want me in your corner for your match... hopefully Peter can make it..." said Matsuo as he removed the towel from his face.

"Mat... man... what are you talking about? I need you in my corner, man. You taught me everything I know about Mario 2. I couldn't even beat World 5 before I met you. Man, I used to get smoked by Mouser before I met you. I don't even play World 5 anymore, I speed run this shit, I can beat this game in under fifteen minutes... and you taught me everything I know!" said Woolly-Milton with a tear in his right eye.

"I feel too much shame, Woolly-San, I cannot go back out there... I am truly sorry," explained Matsuo.

"If you're not going out there... than I'm not either! I can't do this without you! If you're giving up than I will too... we'll forfeit. Peter already chickened-out anyways... he knew we'd lose... and didn't even show up. What the hell were we even thinking? They got everything handed to them... we never stood a chance, Funk," sadly said Woolly-Milton Regular as he admitted defeat.

Just then he heard a familiar voice, a deep monotone one, rapping... it was Thor... rhyming the same dis-track from the cook out... but this time... on live TV... for the world to see.

"When it comes to Mario it's me who is the BEST.
Woolly-Milton Regular is worse than the REST.
They call that stupid guy Woolly-Milton REGULAR?
More like they should call him Woolly-Milton IRREGULAR!" stated Thor to America and the world with a mic in his hand, as he read what Mr. Schett told him to say off of a napkin, on live television.

"Wow! Nice rap, Thor!" exclaimed the giddy female reporter as the crowd booed like there was no tomorrow. 

"Funk... it is once again... Time," calmly, coolly, and ominously stated Woolly-Milton.

Matsuo threw the towel on the ground, finished his complimentary mineral water... and stood up, looked at Woolly-Milton, and nodded.


Meanwhile on the open road... Franky's motorcycle was gobbling up the pavement in a mad-dash to get Peter to the event...

"Vrrrrrrm.... VRRRROOOOOOOM," said the motorcycle as it careened in-between cars and sharply turned down sharp intersections while Franky sang Greased Lightnin' and other songs but got many of the words wrong from the smash hit film and stage show Grease.

"Woah, watch out for that car, Franky!" warned the nervous Peter who had never been on a motorcycle before this moment.

"I can't watch out, Petey-baby! I gotta get you to the Nintendo olympics! Kate told me the situation is out from control! People are losing actual control! They need you! Ya! Grease is the word, a word that you heard... Grease is the word... it's the word that you heaaaaard... it's a groove, it's a time, it's a place, it's an emotion! Grease!? Grease is just the waaaaay we are feeeelin'!" sang-spoked Franky.

"Grease. Man... my whole life has been grease for the last weeks or months... I don't even know how long it's been since I started sloppin' around that mop and sloppin' around that grease... that song is right... Grease IS more than just liquid lard... sometimes... I just stop and look in the big hole of vile fat that we created and see it moving, solidifying, and fermenting before my very eyes.. and... grease... grease is a feeling! It does have meaning!" said Peter as he looked at himself, looking cool, in Franky's leather jacket.

"Frankie Valli sure is a smart man...for a guy to, like, come up with lyrics like that... Frankie Valli is so cool," said Franky as he fastly turned down a road almost knocking the bike over.

"Woah!" said Peter.

"I was a grease boy for two years before I got to be a burger chef, Petey... and.. it is... it really actually is. Grease really is. Grease has emotions... Frankie Valli was right!" yelled Franky to the sky.

"He was. It's like the pink slime from Ghostbusters II!" said Peter.

"It is! It's exactly like that! Grease is like that slime that feels emotions! I used to look at the grease in my grease bucket back when I was a grease boy... and it was like a mirror... a mirror right into my soul... I felt like grease while I dumped the grease into the hole!" said Franky the former grease boy who was bonding with McDing's current grease boy.

"I know exactly what you mean!" said Peter who was getting pumped by riding on a motorcycle, bonding with a work friend, and understanding his love-hate relationship with grease thanks to the timely lyrics of Frankie Valli.

"Vrrrrooooooom!" yelled the motorcycle as it revved up down a straight away.

"Frankie Valli sang that song? That Grease song?" asked Peter while adjusting his leather threads to look cooler on himself.

"Yeah, he's so fucking cool that guy, yo once, I was in Atlantic City with my folks, they were gambling n' shit... and I went to see a show at the hotel while they were slappin' the slots. The sign said 'Valli in Concert: One Night Only'... and even as a kid... I loved the movie Grease... so I snuck in!" reminisced Franky as he propelled the motorcycle.

"You saw Frankie Valli live!?" asked the amazed Peter.

"No. I didn't. The sign only said Valli in concert..." began Franky.

"So?" asked Peter.

"Well, guess what... when I got in and the show started... I was happy I snuck in and didn't buy a ticket... because..." continued Franky.

"Because...why?" asked Peter as the motorcycle picked up speed.

"...it turned out to be Frankie's very lesserly famous fuckin' brother.... Bobby Valli," explained Franky.

"Bobby Valli!? Did he even sing any Grease stuff?" said the shocked Peter.

"No... he didn't. If I bought I ticket... I would've asked for my money back," said Franky.

"He was that bad? Bobby Valli sucked?" asked Peter.

"No, not really, he was an okay singer... but... if you advertise Valli in Concert... like... One Night Only... people are gonna just assume it's fucking Frankie, you know? Like..." said Franky.

"Yeah... I know what you mean... it's very disappointing is what it is..." said Peter who was still nervous but Franky's story helped calm his nerves and take his mind off of things.

"We're almost there, Petey-baby... hang tight!" advised Franky as he picked up speed.


To Be Continued....


"Welcome back!" said Jimmy to the home viewing audience.

"Haha! Who're you? Mr. Kotter? Welcome back, alright...hahhaha..." joked Scott in his reply.

"We are now set for round two, which will showcase Trent... the self proclaimed greatest soccer goalie in the world today who owes his life to Mr. Schett who was his soccer coach in his formative years on the field..." began Jimmy.

"No I don't!" yelled Trent from the background.

"..." said Scott looking backwards from the booth.

"Trent will go against Woolly-Milton Regular... who we presently have little to no information about... should be a real treat! Stay tuned!" announced Jimmy.

Woolly-Milton's burning inner-spirit was beginning to burn inside of himself, something fierce, after hearing the same dis-track from the cook-out against his reputation being diffused on live basic cable television by Thor. He and Mat were ready to tear the roof of this suckah!

Matsuo approached Woolly-Milton...

"Woolly-san... long ago... you adorned me with an honorific title... a courtesy name... to denote our close personal friendship..." said Matsuo very seriously as he turned to Woolly-Milton.

"Yeah, we here call it a nickname, Funk..." explained Woolly-Milton.

"It is now my turn to return the favor, Woolly-san... similar to my name... I shall adorn you with one that shall also begin with F... the nickname of... Flex!" proclaimed Matsuo as he put his hand on Woolly-Milton's right shoulder.

Woolly-Milton stood speechless with pride in his expression.

"Flex and Funk? No... we'll be Funk n' Flex!" proclaimed Woolly-Milton.

The two best friends, now known as Funk and Flex walked proudly to the stage, as soon as the crowd saw them approach and were in their line of sight... they began roaring like a lion!

"Go Woolly-Milton! You're not Irregular! You're not circular, triangular, or even rectangular! You are gonna come at 'em like a jaguar!" sang a kid from the crowd remembering his rhyme from the cookout.

"Go Woolly!" shouted his mother.

"Go Milton! shouted his father.

"Booo!" a lone boo was heard echoing through the air from the direction of Mr. Schett.

Woolly-Milton walked calmly towards the stage and asked for the microphone from the female reporter which she obliged. Woolly-Milton now had the mic in his hand... on live TV...

"Looks like the popular Woolly-Milton Regular has something to say to America and to the world, Jim," observed Scott.

"Indeed," replied Jim assessing the situation.

The crowd was standing and cheering like never before!

"At the Friday night school cook out... Mr. Schett told me something... he said that he wouldn't take it lightly if a... and I quote... a youth-oriented rebellion... were to break out because of me... well... Mr. Schett... listen..." began Woolly-Milton.

"...." sneered Mr. Schett from his private viewing area while he sipped an expensive cocktail beverage.

"I'm in a tricky situation that YOU YOURSELF CREATED!
An unnecessary dire situation which cannot even be ABATED!
You are tired, conflated, over-weighted, faded and JADED!
We are livin' in a youth-oriented rebellion that you CREATED!" rapped Woolly-Milton.

The crowd went nuts! They were about to explode! If they were indoors they would have torn the roof off of a building! Their cheers and cries pierced the skies and reached the heavens above.

"..." said the female reporter, her Mary Hart-esque hairdo once-again dishevelled from the sheer volume of the crowd.

"I am no longer Woolly-Milton Regular! Funk has adorned me with a new nickname! From today and on I shall be known as... Woolly-Milton "Flex" Regular!" announced Woolly-Milton.

"FLEX! FLEX! FLEX! FUNK AND FLEX!" chanted the crowd.

"Alright you heard him... it'll be Trent against Flex... in Super Mario Bros 2! When we return from our next commercial break and station identification!" broadcast Scott.


To Be Continued...

....and BANG! They were off like speedy wildebeests in the night!

They both fell down from the sky, Trent as Toad and Woolly-Milton as Luigi...

"He always uses Luigi," said his mother Mrs. Regular.

"Me too... he jumps real high," said Jimmy the fry chef.

World 1 was going well for both players...

"Looks like our contestants are taking two different strategies here. Trent is going to blow up the wall in the cave to get to the first Birdo while Flex is going to jump up the clouds with Luigi..." explained Jimmy the announcer.

"As an avid subscriber to Nintendo Power, like everyone in America should be, I am familiar with both methods... and either strategy is a fair one depending on how fast you can blow up the wall with the bombs or how skillfully you can jump up the clouds with a good jumping character. Even with different strategies being employed they are still neck-and-neck," explained Scott.

"Jump over the beezos! Flex-san!" encouraged Matsuo.

Woolly-Milton did as Matsuo showed him and hit 1-2, hard, he ran over the level like a man possessed! While Trent was cruising along on the magic carpet with Toad... Woolly-Milton was power jumping off of beezo's heads with Luigi! The crowd was going mental!

"Damn," said Mr. Regular.

"Shit," said Thor.

"God damnit," said Mrs. Dongyschotts.

He took a commanding lead over Trent thanks to the beezo jumps and high-power-jumping off of the ninji's head over the large mountainside!

"Excellent play by Flex Regular, true mariomanship at its finest," said Scott.

The rest of the levels went off without a hitch as his lead continued to grow... Woolly-Milton got to the warps with ease... as did Trent... by the time they were both in World 6... he took an even greater lead!

"Just like the beezos! Run and jump along the Albatosses!" shouted the encouraging Matsuo who developed this tactic only recently.

"You got it, Funk," said Woolly-Milton.

Woolly-Milton "Flex" Regular ran hard and jumped on the first Albatoss, then another, then ran off that one and landed on another! The crowd could not believe their eyes.

"Wow," said Howie.

"Damnit to hell!" said Mr. Schett.

He had a commanding lead... all he had to do was not make a mistake. He made it to Wart while Trent was still attempting to navigate his way through World 7... and by the time he loaded up the last vegetable to throw into Wart's craw... he turned to the crowd, who were going nuts, and confidently said...

"Hey, Mr. Schett... this turnip's for... you!" decreed Woolly-Milton as he threw the final turnip into Wart and won the day with ease!

The score was now 1-1... but where were Peter and Julio? Only time will tell.


To Be Continued...

Meanwhile on the Highway...

"Whooooooooooooooa! Yeaaaaah! Baby!!" yelled Franky as he burned rubber trying to get Peter to the event...

...but guess who saw him? You know who saw him driving like crazy? Sadly enough ... it was a cop.

The cop pulled the motorcycle over and preceded with the standard spiel.

"You know how fast you were going, kid?" said the cop.

"Yeah, officer, I know... but you don't get it... this kid has to play in The Global American World Nintendo Championship! I have to get him there!" complained Franky to the cop.

"Yeah right, kid, the last guy had a pregnant wife to get to... the guy before that had to deliver the nuclear codes to the president... gimme a break... that Nintendo event is sold out... you can't get in anyways. We're doing security for that," explained the cop who didn't believe Franky's excuse for speeding.

"No, it's true sir... here look," said Peter who showed the cop his player's pass.

"Hmm.... you're playing in it? Kid, why didn't you say so? My kids begged me to get them tickets for that... I had to bend an arm n' a leg. Okay, come on, I'll give you a police escort to the event," said the cop.

"Thanks, officer," said Peter.

The cop phoned in some backup and soon enough Franky's motorcycle was bypassing traffic thanks to a vanguard of police motorcycles...

As they approached the school fair grounds where the event was taking place... The crowd of five thousand saw six motocycles approaching, five of them broke ranks and left... while the remaining lone motorcycle drove right onto the field...

"It's Franky!" said Kate.

"Yeah!" said Carla.

"Hey you can't bring that on the field! Get out of here!" yelled a member of the film crew.

"It's okay... I have a player's pass... I'm Peter!" proclaimed Peter.

"PETER!?" said Woolly-Milton.

"Peter-san?" said Matsuo.

"Yeah, guys... it's me," calmly said Peter, in his cool leather jacket, as he descended from the motorcycle...


 

Chapter 13
Round 3: Thor vs. Peter Pannis
Intro Music: "Grease" (from Grease)

To Be Continued...

As Peter walked to the stage to pick up the nintendo controller... a myriad of thoughts stormed through his mind like a violent hurricane!

All the taunts, the invective, the jeering from his class mates... they all replayed in his mind's eye like a veritable out-of-control tempest. His nerves were beginning to shatter... but he knew five thousand people wanted him to beat Thor at Mario 3... and one of them... was the ever-beatiful Kate... with a face of porcelain and eyes like jewels... so he kept walking to the stage. 

He ruffled up his leather jacket which made females in the crowd scream. He was going to do this.

He thought...

I've been through so much... I still remember the day Julio asked me to come to his house to play Turtles on his NES... I will never forget that day. I took my socks off and just started pure housing that shit roller-back style and one-hopped that game right on the dang slant.

I beat Turtles while slowly sippin' on Orange Crush. Twas my style back then... but now? Who knows if I can even get through level one of this game I've never even played before.

These people used to call me Penis Face Peter and Ugly Jogging Pants Boy the boy who always wears the same jogging pants. Now they cheer for me...

Today, I stand before them, and my colleagues from work... in a cool leather jacket over a stained-with-grease McDing's uniform...

...I am no longer Peter Penis nor am I Penis Boy nor am I Poor Kid nor am I Jogging Pants Kid nor am I... Greasy Petey... for today... I am only...

...Peter.

Peter's thoughts calmed him... he looked at his friends from work as he looked back as he approached the stage.

"Go Peter!" said Kate as pretty as ever.

"Go Peter! Go!" said Howie.

"PETE! GO GET 'EM!" said Mr. Regular.

"Yo! I need something! You got a mickey on ya, Jimmy!? Anyone got anything!? I need to drank! I wanna drank like a magikist!!" bellowed Franky.

Franky was so cool, Peter thought, he didn't even know what a magikist was... but it still sounded really cool.

"Yo! Pete! Come in for a group meeting!" shouted Woolly-Milton from the corner of the stage.

"Peter!? We didn't think you'd come! Why are you on a motorcycle!? This is so cool!" wigged-out Matsuo, who had a friend in Japan who was older than him... and who does moto-cross... which is cool. Matsuo loved motorcycles.

"I... I've been working at McDing's you guys. All those clothes n' chains that I got? I got those luxurious things from money I made... bein' a grease-boy at Dings," explained Peter who while wearing a leather jacket was starting to slowly speak differently... sort of like Franky does.

"How long have you been doing that? How come you didn't tell us?" asked Woolly-Milton feeling slightly betrayed that Peter didn't trust them.

"A while... like a couple months now... time flies... I'll I've been doing is school, work, and before bed, I'm too tired to game... so I just watch that Mr. T tape you gave me on my birthday, Milt... and that's I'll I've been up to for like the last whatever amount of months," explained Peter.

"Damn," said Woolly-Milton.

"Peter, look, there is only one way you can win... please pay heed to my advice..." said Matsuo.

"Yeah..." said Peter.

"Thor, as you know, has played this game in homeroom for many weeks and knows the game... you however... do not. You must not pretend you can win..." started Matsuo.

"So let's just give up now!" yelled Woolly-Milton still mad and with lingering feelings of betrayal in his heart.

"No!" countered Peter.

Matsuo continued his brilliant stratagem...

"Now... Peter-san... you must become as of water... ever-flowing around all obstacles with ease yet with a constant-clear mind. You must also became a ninja... who shadows and observes all actions of your opponent. You do not know the game but his screen is visible to you..." continued Matsuo.

"I see where he's going with this... dang Funk... you are the man with the plan!" said Woolly-Milton.

"Thank you very much, Flex... so Peter-san... you must look at everything Thor does in Mario 3 and then like a tech-copy mechanism you must emulate every one of his actions right as he does them. Play five seconds behind him and re-create everything you see Thor do... and hopefully... when you both get to Bowser... at similar times... he will make a mistake and that five-second grace period will be closed and you can win..." explained Matsuo.

"It's crazy enough to actually work..." thought Peter out loud.

Thor was already on the stage...

"Well, Scott, the final match up is between the almighty Thor the greatest video gamer player in the whole world... going against Suave Pete... who just showed up on a friggin' motorcycle!" announced Jimmy.

"Yes... I've seen it all in this business, Jim, old chum-a-ree-noh... this final match... with the rounds all tied up at one-a-piece... should be a real happening! Thor vs. Peter at Mario Three!" said Scott.

...and they were off! Or one of them ran out of the gate like a wildebeest of speed... but one gamer, Peter, just sort of jumped up-and-down to figure out the mechanics of this new Mario game.

"What the hell is Peter doing?" asked Kate to Howie who knew a lot about nintendo.

"I... uh... I think he's never seen this game before..." answered Howie.

"Come on Greasy! Nintendo is just like our grease! It's an EMOTION! Nintendo is an EMOTION! You gotta feel it duuuuuude! Become the nintendo, baby! Ow!" cheered Franky from the stands.

He was right, Peter thought to himself, nintendo was an emotion! Peter took his shoes off!

The crowd was weirded out but still wanted him to beat the Quadrangle so they let the odd behavior slide and kept cheering.

"Oh damn! He took his shoes off! Oh shit... it's about to get real up in here!" exclaimed Woolly-Milton.

Peter watched Thor's screen and mimicked every single action like a ninja and also like water! He finished the first level about five to ten seconds behind Thor.

"What the hell are you doing, kid!?" yelled Thor to Peter.

"Being patient... that's all," explained Peter casually.

"The plan is going well... he is acting like a dang ninja or like some dang water... but he's more than five seconds behind, Funk, he's probably like seven or even ten..." worried Woolly-Milton.

"Hmmm... I've deduced this as well... the strategy is pretty sacrosanct but not without flaws, Flex-san," said Matsuo gravely. 

They both got stars at the end... as Peter deduced you have to run top speed on the P-meter to get a star at the end of the level.

"Hmm... a game of cat n' mouse is afoot here is it not, Scott, old friend?" asked Jimmy.

"Exactly, chum. He's doing whatever Thor does... almost to a level of skill that has to be seen to be believed... it's like watching the same thing happen on both screens simultaneously but ten seconds apart..." said Scott.

"The lead however is obviously in the hands of Thor," said Jimmy.

The levels went like that for a long time... World One, World Two, World Three... and even into the World with the over-sized novelty enemies known as World Four.

Until Thor had an idea to shake Peter off his tracks...

"Here blood hound... let's pause the game for a bit..." said Thor as he pressed pause.

"Fine by me..." said Peter.

What resulted was a stand-off. Neither contestant played Mario 3 for a good hot minute and a half!

"Never seen anything like this before, Scott, it's some sort of Mexican stand off!" said Jimmy.

"That it seems, Jim. That it seems..." said Scott.


Meanwhile in the front of the school an adaptive transport van had just arrived!

A wheel-chair ramp lowered itself from the van and out-rolled Julio!

"Thanks for coming along Nurse Kimberly," said the still-gentle Juanita.

"No problem... but we are very late it seems... we must get Julio down to the fair grounds..." said Nurse Kimberly.

Julio presented his player's pass to the ticket taker...

"You... you're playing in this!? Come on get to the stage! Fast!" implored the ticket taker.

"Come on, Mom! I have to be there for my crew!" exclaimed Julio.

Nurse Kimberly pushed Julio's wheel chair as fast-as-she-could while they ran towards the stage!


Meanwhile... 

Peter was still waiting with a paused game until Thor continued...

"I know what you're doing, kid! You think you can play ten seconds behind me and then wait until World 8 for me to make a mistake and then actually start playing. IT WON'T WORK! If you've never even seen World 8... you have NO CHANCE IN HELL in beating it! So give up this nonsense, NOW!" bellowed Thor with a voice like monotone thunder.

"Peter-san... the method has been spoiled... you must abort... just play your best and hope for the best. You now know the mechanics and ins-and-outs of Mario 3... you still have a chance," explained Matsuo.

Peter began playing World 4, the "big" level, and was doing okay... Thor saw he was going to play normally now... and also unpaused his game and continued. Peter now had a small lead on Thor! 

"Looks like Peter has taken the lead!" exclaimed Jimmy the announcer not the fry chef.


To Be Continued....


"He's like water... he's like a ninja..." said Woolly-Milton as he watched Peter play World 4 where the enemy sprites were comedically larger-than-normal to establish a novelty effect in game play.

"Yes, Flex-san... but he is akin to a blind man doing his karate in a dark room with no light. He is just feeling his way around the level as he plays instead of speed running them... it is only a matter of time before Thor surpasses him by a great margin," explained Matsuo.

"..." said Woolly-Milton.

"The bad guys just got BIG, eh, Jim?" said Scott.

"Oh yes! Those goombahs n' koopahs are notoriously large in World 4 in Super Mario Bros. 3 on the Nintendo Entertainment System... available at any fine department store in your area for a very modest price," said Jimmy.

Somehow, Peter, playing akin to a blind man feeling his way through a dark corridor... still managed to beat World 4! He got hit a few times but didn't die. As for his time, it was acceptable, but he had fallen behind Thor by a number of seconds.

"Great going, Peter!" yelled Kate.

Hearing his manager's voice... Peter's heart skipped a beat! He came into World 5 flying! He came into World 5 like a love-stricken wildebeest! He could not be stopped! 

Just then a group of nosy gossiping high school chicks approached Kate and the McDing's crew! It was the mean girls who used to always call Peter names! The same ones who made fun of Matsuo on his first day of school! Oh no!

"Is Peter Penis your bawfrend!? Har ha har ha!" guffawed the red head of the gang.

"...?" said Kate.

"Yeah is Jogging Pants Boy... your boooooyfrieeeeeend!?" said the mean blonde one with a deeply non-scholastic and vocally fried voice that pierced the brain.

"What in the name of fuck did you just call my Greasy Petey!?" exclaimed Franky.

"Yeah... what the fuck did you just call him... you fucking BITCH for BRAINS!" yelled Carla.

A chick-fight broke out! Oh my gosh! Peter turned back to watch... as did Thor! They both, once again, paused their games to watch the wild un-controlled melee that was ensuing in the crowd.

Carla and Kate were grabbing the mean girls by their hair and arguing with them something fierce!

"What if he IS my bawfrend!? What're you gonna do about it, WHORE!?" said Kate as she scratched a mean girl.

Security came to break it up and escort the gang of mean girls back to their designated seats before things got too out of hand. Peter looked on... thankful... that he got to pause the game and buy another few minutes and seconds of precious time.

Somewhere, deep inside of Peter's heart... he knew that if he could just simply purchase enough time and hold off Thor for as long as possible and keep his Mario alive and slowly progressing through Mario 3... that like a gentle timely rain... Julio would show up. He believed this in his soul...

"Peter! You're so cool!" yelled Kate, proud of her work colleague, who's honor she just defended in front of five thousand people.

"...thanks... Kate..." said Peter with clenched fists.  

"You can do it!" said Howie.

Peter turned and looked at Matsuo and Woolly-Milton as his heart burned with the will of ten thousand champions...

"Mat... I can't be like some water any more... I can't be a Ninja any longer! I just gotta! I just gotta! I GOTTA front-to-back-left-and-right, one-hop, roller-skate, back-door, break dance, up n' down, and beat this new game... on the slant!" exclaimed Peter.

"He's talking in his own damn language again... like he used to do... back when we used to play video games all weekend long..." said Woolly-Milton.

"The Old Peter... is back!" said Matsuo.

Peter, now invigorated like never-before thanks to his fast-food manager defending his honor in his high school... ripped World 5, the cloud level, apart! He kept neck-and-neck with Thor even though he had never even played this before! He defeated Roy Koopa with ease!

"You're good, kid... but World 8 is going to literally dis-fucking-STROY you..." explained Thor as he looked to his peripheral right as he played World 6 the Ice World.

"It might destroy me... but... it can't destroy my best friend... Julio..." said Peter, not-even-bluffing to buy time, he truly believed Julio would come save him.

Suddenly! A woman pushing a wheel-chair approached the fair grounds!

Peter stopped so suddenly and paused World 6... he could feel Julio's presence! Everyone turned to look at who it was!

"JULIO!" proclaimed Woolly-Milton.

"Julio-san!" exclaimed Matsuo.

"Julio? The kid who fell off his bike? The kid they made fun of at the cook out?" said the kid with the bushy eye-brows.

Nurse Kimberly stopped pushing the wheel chair about twenty feet from the stage...

"Peter! Keep playing! Thor is wrecking that ice level!" reminded Woolly-Milton.

"Oh ya!" said Peter as he un-paused the game.

The crowd almost instinctively began to chant...

"JULIO! JULIO! JULIO! JULIO!" chanted the crowd.

"Me and Julio dooooown by the schooooolyard!" yelled a portion of the crowd who was at the cook-out rap battle.

Julio's mother made her way to the family and friends seating area.

"Juanita!" said Mrs. Regular as she threw her arms around her. Saeko followed suit and hugged her as well.

"Your son is amazing... Milton told me when he saw him... he thought he was going to..." started Mr. Regular.

"My Julio is a fighter! The phone calls from his friends, my home-cooked meals, and his trust in God are why he is here today! He played that new Mario for DAYS, day in and night out, just to help his friends in this nintendo tournament!" explained Juanita, through tears, inside of the gentle arms of Mrs. Regular and Saeko Fujiwarahito.

"He's been playing Mario 3!?" asked Jimmy the fry chef.

"Yes, all day and all night long in the hospital... he even beat those boats and tanks... in the lava part..." said Juanita.

Thor's rabbit ears turned back, hearing mention of lava, boats, and tanks...

"He knows about eight...damn..." said Thor to himself.

Just then the dastardly Mr. Schett on orders from his superior, Principal Dorksmund, arrived in front of the stage.

"Julio is sick! He isn't medically cleared to participate! This is official orders from our Principal!" proclaimed the rotund teacher.

"Not medically cleared to participate!? Give me a break!" said Jimmy the announcer who was now wrapped up in the drama.

"There's no end to the drama here, folks," said Scott.

"Let. Him. Play," said the monotone voice of Thor on-stage.

"No! Mercenary! He isn't allowed!" countered Mr. Schett.

"..." said Thor as he paused the game and walked-off stage angrily.

"What are you doing!? He's closing the gap on the lead! Get back up there and play that damn ice level!" instructed Mr. Schett to Dorksmund's ringer.

"I am the greatest nintendo player in America and I don't want to win this by cheating! I'm not like you! I'm not like Tex! I love NINTENDO! I want to win fair and square! Here! Take this ten grand back! Take back your ten thousand dollars of dirty blood money... and shove it up your fat ass!" bellowed Thor as he pulled out a wad of bills and whipped it at Mr. Schett!

"Aaaaaaaaah!" yelled Mr. Schett as a wad of bills was thrown directly into his face like Woolly-Milton throwing the last turnip at Wart! One of the bills even went into Mr. Schett's fat mouth!

"Wow..." said Jimmy the announcer.

"Wow, indeed..." said Scott the color commentator both at a loss for words.

"They paid Thor ten thousand dollars to play in this!?" said someone from the crowd.

"He's a ringer!" yelled another voice.

Mr. Schett scurried off as fast as his stubby legs could carry him back to safety as the crowd screamed for vengeance!

Meanwhile... Peter had beaten World Six while the drama ensued behind him!



Chapter 14
Finale: World Eight

To Be Continued...


Officials and the play-by-play crew were debating the status of Julio and the principal's claim that he cannot compete due to not being medically cleared to play from a bicycle accident which recently occurred. 

"We have his name on the registration for his team... we have nothing in our rule book about needing medical clearance to participate, Jim, I mean... the kid is here and wants to play, is registered as part of this team... there's no reason he can't play," explained Scott.

"Exactly, old friend. They still have their one substitution remaining..." agreed Jim.

Peter, after beating World 6, the ice level, paused the game and left the controller on the playing podium... and slowly walked off the stage...

"Time!" said Peter while making a T with his hands.

"Sub!" yelled Woolly-Milton Regular.

There was nothing left the Principal, teachers, and school could do to stop them. The crowd was going crazy still chanting Julio's name....

Julio stood up!

"Is he going to walk!?" exclaimed Mrs. Regular.

"Yes... he takes hundreds of steps per day now... he can walk again..." said Juanita.

"He can... he really really really can..." said Nurse Kimberly through tears.

Julio took a step! Then another! Towards the playing podium like a guy possessed! He remembered the song he would match his rhythm to when he first re-learned to walk. Besos de Ceniza by Timbiriche! His mother's favorite song!

He had already made ten steps, without holding on to anything, and was ten feet away from the stage. Everyone was in shock, even Tex wouldn't even think of interfering in this moment!

"Julio!" said the crowd.

When he made it to the podium, taking twenty to thirty steps on his own, his crew ran to him to give him a cool group hug!

"Julio!" said Peter, Mat, and Woolly as they gave him a cool hug.

"I told you... I'd... be back," Schwarzeneggeringly said Julio.

They broke the hug off and Julio un-paused Mario 3.

"Looks like they have made their substitution, Scott, it is now... Thor vs. Julio the mysterious final member!" said Jimmy.

"Only Worlds 7 and 8 remain... Seven is a maze-like pipe-themed level with many many piranha plants sure to give anyone a headache... while World 8 is a lava-themed level... where Bowser's castle lies in wait..." explained Scott.

"No, the princess is another castle, in this Mario, eh?" asked Jim.

"No... all the castles contain mutated kings, terrible airships operated by Bowser's children... and adventure at all angles!" explained Scott as if it was an advertisement for Nintendo.

...and BANG! They were off coming out of their paused games heading into World 7! Julio could not be stopped. He had played Mario 3 all day and all night in the hospital for days! He lived and breathed Mario 3 at this point! He had already gotten Peter's small Mario a mushroom and a fire flower!

"Looks like Julio's playing with fire, Jim!" proudly proclaimed Scott the color commentator.

Thor had a Tanooki suit... but it was gimmick... it just made your Mario change into a statue... for some reason... and it didn't even shoot fire balls... which was silly.

They both made it to Ludwig von Koopa at similar junctures... and dispatched of the musical-based Koopa accordingly. It was on to World 8...

The crowd fell silent. They were once again feeling like they were watching a violin recital... the skill and talent displayed by Thor and Julio... was literally amazing to their eyes. They came into the laval level... hot.

As they played their way through the tanks and boats of World 8 ... the screens of both players moved at a snail's pace, locked in place, they couldn't advance the screen to speed run... they had to evade all the bullets, cannons, bad guys and fire balls! The danger was palpable... but both players powered through.

"Looks like both our contestants are playing with power, now, Jim," said Scott.

"Yes... yes they are. Nintendo Power, that is," agreed Jim.

Juanita raised her hand into the air and exclaimed...

"GO! JULIO! I LOVE YOU!" said Juanita to her son as he played Mario 3 in front of five thousand people.

"I LOVE YOU TOO... MOM!" yelled Julio back.

Julio had the positive cheering of the crowd, his mother's love, his crew's cool hug, and two other things filling his heart with pride. The other two? Love for both his nations, USA and Mexico... and the last? His trust and faith... in God.

He possessed the power of Mexico in his left hand making Mario move and the power of the USA in his right hand making Mario run and jump! He looked to the sky as he approached the dreaded Hands in World 8 and made a silent prayer to God... to help him get no hands.

"Dear God... and Dad... if you're up there... I need you guys right now... I need to get no hands..." prayed Julio to the night's sky.

Thor was already at The Hands... and caught the first hand! Oh no!

"Looks like Thor got unlucky and will have to play a small level with hammer brothers in it due to getting swallowed up by that giant hand on the Mario map..." explained Scott to the Mario layman.

When Julio got to the hands... he pointed to the sky... to God and to his father Roberto... and ran right passed them! NO HANDS!

"NO HANDS! NO HANDS FOR JULIO!" said Scott.

"WOW!" said Jim.

"..." said Thor who wasn't even through the first hand level yet.

"GO JULIO!" yelled Mr. Regular.

"GO KID! YEAH! OW! WOOOOO!" said Franky.

"HE GOT NO HANDS!" yelled Peter with glee.

"Hey guys, relax, I got this..." re-assured Julio to his friends, mother, and crowd.

"You're amazing at this game, Julio, it is a pleasure to be your opponent tonight..." said Thor.

"Thank you... gracias, Thor," said Julio.

Julio was speed running Three now... and almost at Bowser. Thor was stuck on the third hand level after bypassing the second hand.

Julio gave a shout-out to Mat next...

"Bowser, I shall soon be at you... and there's nothing personal between us... but for the next few minutes... we are enemies... and I shall have no choice but to defeat you..." said Julio in Mat's voice.

"..." said Matsuo full of pride in his friend's skill at Super Mario Bros. 3.

"Do it, J!" said Woolly-Milton.

"Thanks, Milt.. or should I say... thanks Flex!" said Julio who knew that was his new nickname after hearing the crowd chant it after Woolly-Milton beat Super Mario Bros. 2.

Soon enough, Julio was at Bowser... with fire.

"Light that lizard up, Julio!" instructed Peter.

Julio got as close as he could Bowser and unleashed 13 fire balls! BAM! BAM! BAM! Thor wasn't even at the castle yet!

"Look out Julio... Bowser is up to something! His sprite is changing animation!" advised Matsuo.

"I know, Mat, he's gonna jump now," said Julio who's already beaten this game.

Julio evaded Bowser's aerial attack! He shot him with twenty more fire balls!

"Thirty-three fire balls should be enough for his lizard brain!" exclaimed Julio as he defeated Bowser with fire balls.

"HE DID IT! HE BEAT BOWSER! IT'S OVER! JULIO... JULIO'S WON!" exclaimed Jimmy the announcer.

The crowd went from silence to uproarious applause!

 ...it was too much for Julio... who's not-yet-fully-healed legs finally gave out... he collapsed on the ground.

Woolly, Mat, n' Pete ran to help him up!

"Are you okay!?" his friends asked holding him up.

"Yeah... I just over did-it... walking without holding on to anything and beating Mario 3 in front of a screaming crowd... I over-did it, today, guys..." said Julio as his three friends escorted him back to his wheel chair with tears pouring out of their eyes.

"Julio..." started Peter.

"What is it?" asked Julio.

"I mean this from the bottom of my heart..." continued Peter.

"What?" asked Julio.

"Julio... you are the coolest kid in this fucking school!" said Peter.

"...." said Funk n' Flex with tears in their eyes.

"I know... thanks... Pete," said Julio.




THE END

























..............................?

A Spring Story: Volume II

We last left our heroes on the soccer field basking in glory...

"YES!" yelled Peter from the wooden benches where all the students, junior to senior, were watching the game.

"NO!" cried a stupid mean blonde girl who was rooting against them.

Julio rose his hand into the sky and thanked God for giving him the strength to propel his team ahead one to nothing. Strangely, enough, Julio could faintly hear a response from above... but he probably imagined it.

Troy was throwing a childlike tantrum in the middle of the field, he threw his fluorescent green headband onto the ground and started stomping on it.

"No! They're cheating! I'm gonna go tell Mr. Schett! I'm gonna go tell Mr. Schett!" whined the douchebag crybaby Troy.

Just then a big round fat teacher arrived on the field...

"You don't have to tell me anything! I saw the whole thing from my secret vantage point... I saw the whole thing... don't worry Troy... I'll take care of this," said Mr. Schett to comfort the dumb crybaby Troy.

Julio knew the game was over and somehow they'd be declared the losers... but in his own heart, mind, and in the powerful eye of the only judge who really mattered, God, he knew he was the winner. The only entity that can truly judge him, like his mother explained to him when he was little, was God, not Mr. Schett... so he didn't even care for what the over-weight hot-dog eating man would say to him.

"Daygo! Some people never learn. There's nothing more I can do to you. If you're ever going to learn how not to cheat at soccer... it'll be from someone other than me... because I've exhausted any form of teaching method in my teacher's handbook with you," said Mr. Schett.

"I understand... Mr. Schett," replied Julio not wanting to argue.

...and that was that. That was the end of their soccer feud with the Triangle of T. In their minds and hearts... and also in the minds but not the hearts of the entire school... everyone knew they won. The whole entire school knew, whether they liked it or not, that they won.

When school ended they celebrated by going to the ice cream truck...

"Those bastards. Those bastards. They have sullied my clothes... the face of Jose Canseco and of Tony La Russa are muddied with dirt. It is a great insult to myself, to baseball, to the A's of Oakland, and to America," said Matsuo as he dusted himself off.

They looked at the ice cream available on the side of the ice cream truck. One ice cream product available was offered in the shape of a frog...no, they thought. One was in the shape of Mario or Luigi... which peaked their interest... and then at the right side of the menu... they saw the ice cream truck had ice cream in the shape of all four ninja turtles!

"Yo! Let's each get a Turtle! I got Raph!" exclaimed Woolly-Milton.

"Cool! I got Donnie," said Julio.

"You want Mikey or Leo... Mat?" asked Peter being gracious to their guest in America.

"I would like to eat, the party dude, I would like to eat an ice cream product in the likeness of Michelangelo," replied Matsuo.

"Okay... then I'll get LEO!" said Peter.

They all ordered a different turtle each... and proceeded to a chain-link fence, to lean on, so they could rest and enjoy their ninja-turtle shaped ice cream pops.

"We are tragic heroes... I feel like... I won... yet, also, in many ways... I feel as though... I've lost," said Matsuo in regards to his feelings.

"I know I won... it's just that we don't get anything. We won but we won... nothing," said Woolly-Milton.

"I won something. I don't care if Mr. Shit or some stuck-up chicks were mad that we won... we still won... and... it's sappy... but it's like my mom always said... the only person who can truly judge you... is God," explained Julio as he took a bite out of Donatello's purple bandana which was grape-flavored.

"In the eyes of God, you're right, man... we are the champions in the eyes of God," agreed Woolly-Milton.

"I saw you praying out there, Mat, what do Japanese people believe in?" asked Peter.

"My religion is called Shinto... our concept of God or Kami... is not easily explained... but we do believe in God," explained Matsuo.

"That's why I don't care what other people think of me. Troy got so sad because he lost... I think... it's because he has too much pride. He knows the whole school watched him lose and... he couldn't handle it," said Julio.

"He, in many ways, Julio-san... is also a tragic hero," suggested Matsuo in regards to Troy.

"No, Mat, he really isn't... he's a stupid, ugly, cheating, prick," countered Peter.

"I'm with Peter on this one," said Woolly-Milton as he enjoyed his cherry-flavored Raphael bandana portion of his ice cream pop.

"Forgiveness please for my err in thought," said Matsuo.

"Don't worry 'bout it, Mat..." said Julio.

They finished their turtles ice cream and then went to their respective dwellings. They were too tired to play video games today.

Julio went to bed early... for a change. There was nothing to worry about any longer, nothing to keep him awake at night. He since had beaten the water level and even made it to the drome in Turtles on NES. He had been switched out of Mr. Schett's horrible homeroom and had won glory on the soccer field. The three things that kept him up at night were now removed and gone from his mind.

As he ate supper that night, he ate like an adult... he was relaxed and enjoyed his food. He really savored each and every bite. He went to bed early and woke up early...

In the morning, he got ready for school, and ate some breakfast. When his mother told him she loved him as he walked to the door, he remembered he wasn't saying it back to her... because Troy told him saying that word, Love, was something only meant for gay people. 

As Julio walked out the door that morning, he turned to his mother and said...

"Hey Mom... I love you too," said Julio.

"......" said the gentle Juanita.

Julio jumped on his bike and began peddling to school. He peddled strong and free... like he always wanted to be. His mind was free... until it was loaded again with bad thoughts.

He couldn't believe he was called a cheater... he couldn't believe that woman showed him how to make a sandwich in school... he couldn't believe they got Mat's A's shirt dirty... he couldn't believe...

Meanwhile, he wasn't looking where he was going.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" yelled Julio as he hit an obstruction, a stone perhaps, and flew off his bike!

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!" he gasped in agony as he flew head-first, without wearing a helmet, onto the pavement of the road.

He held his head... there was blood... he looked at the red on his hand... I'm bleeding he thought...and then promptly... passed out.



Chapter 7
Coma

To Be Continued...


Julio heard a phone ringing... and it wouldn't stop. He wanted to wake up to answer it but he could not move any part of his body. The phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing.

He knew he was in the hospital, he knew he was in bad shape, he knew he was in a bed, and he knew a phone was ringing... and that was it. That's all he knew.

He knew something had happened but what? Actually... he remembered falling off his bike and hitting his head on the pavement. He remembered holding his hand to his head and yelling that their was blood on his hand and on his head.

How long ago was that?

The phone kept ringing. Whoever it was really wanted to talk to him, he thought, but their desire to reach him was giving him a splitting headache. Ringing and ringing and ringing... just hang up! He thought. Whoever is calling must be aware that he couldn't move!

He tried to move his left leg... but couldn't.
He tried to move his right arm... but couldn't.
He tried to move his right leg... but couldn't.
He tried to move his left arm... but simply could not do it.

He couldn't even move his face! He couldn't smile or wiggle his nose! What the hell was going on!?

He started to become paranoid! Was the phone really ringing? No one would let the phone ring a hundred times without hanging up on the other end! Maybe the phone was his brain ringing from the brain damage!? Ah, he thought.... or maybe the ringing phone... was a memory?

He tried to focus on just his own thoughts... but couldn't feel his own mind.

The phone eventually stopped ringing... but then random thoughts and voices started to assail his waking mind...

"You dropped the pie, Julio!? I just finished making that!" yelled his mother at him after he dropped a whole lemon meringue pie on the kitchen floor when he was six years old.

"Julio! Come and play catch with me! I'll be Scioscia! You be Valenzuela! Come on, Julio!" said his late father, Roberto, pounding a catcher's mitt.

"Yo! Julio! Yo! Don't tell nobody I told you this but..." started his older cousin Jorge before he told him the grossest joke he ever heard that had plenty of swear words in it.

"Me? Sure thing. Prune juice keeps this Woolly-Milton... Regular," said Woolly-Milton Regular.

He laughed on the inside but couldn't feel if his lips were moving as he laughed.

"Julio! When I was growing up in Sinaloa there was a time where I wore the same tattered gown for three years!" he remembered his mother scolded him for almost not playing Turtles with Pete.

"Psssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhht. Gimma a break. Rocksteady's move-set is back and forth and sometimes he jumps. Who cares. You think I'm gonna jump on some boxes and gimmick this fight? Psssssssssssshhhhhhhht. Pffffffffffffffffffffffffft, no way, Julio," he remembered, Peter, psssshting and pfffffting as he played Turtles in his room.

"Julio... I... I had a heart attack..." he remembered his father explaining to him as he lay flat on a hospital bed.

Julio was now, also, lying on a hospital bed... just like after his father had his first heart attack.

"I'll clean it up, MOM!" he remembered as he saw the lemon meringue pie all over the kitchen floor.

"Video game? That's the devil's make! You are the WORST person in my class! I literally actually HATE you Daygo... I actually hate you," yelled Mr. Schett in his brain again.

"Look at that, Julio! Look who's coming up! Kirk Gibson!? Kirk Gibson! Gibson homered!? WOW! He can barely even walk! He just homered!? Wow!" said his dad, amazed, as they watched the 1988 World Series together... six months before his father passed away from his second heart attack.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Dongyschotts-san, I am thirteen years old... I am not a small child. This level of material shouldn't be allowed in a place of learning as this. Please explain what manner of farce is currently happening... I am deeply and utterly confused by your behavior," he remembered his new friend Matsuo asking his new homeroom teacher.

"It's okay... Julio... it's just a pie," consoled his mother.

RING! RING! RING!

The phone started ringing again! What the hell!? He couldn't answer it! He could not even move!

He imagined himself answering it...

"Hello?" Julio imagined himself saying into the phone.

"Hey, man, how ya doin?" said the deep unfamiliar yet strangely somehow familiar voice.

"I'm... I'm not able to move... and..." explained Julio to the mysterious voice.

"Yeah, yeah... I know. You fell off your bike and hit your head pretty bad... looks like you're gonna have to spend a bit of time here with me for a while, kid," said the mysterious voice.

"Who are you?" asked Julio.

"Me? Hey. I'm... God, Julio..." said the voice.


To Be Continued...


"God? Ohhh... maaaaaan. Am I dead, God?" asked Julio not even really caring that much if he was alive or dead after listening to a phone ring over-and-over for what felt like days on end.

"No, no. You just hit your head... you're gonna be out for a while. Trust me... I got your back, Julio..." said God in a way that made his long-numb spine tingle.

That day on the soccer field when he lifted his hand slowly to the sky and thanked God for giving him the power to entrust all of his national pride into his foot to ever-victoriously kick the ball into the back of the net... God... said that. He heard a voice telling him that.

"God, like yo... that's what you said to me that day! The day when I kicked the ball! The day I won!" exclaimed Julio in disbelief.

"I know... I remember... that was me. Thanks for the shout out, homie..." said God.

"God! God! Is my dad in heaven!? Can you hear my mom's prayers!?" asked Julio.

"Yeah, your dad's here... we hang sometimes... we, like, watch sports n' stuff. Your mom prays a lot... she asks me to watch over you... usually... but sometimes she asks me to help her win the lottery," explained God.

"Yeah, my mom acts like that sometimes... but she's a good person, God, trust me..." said Julio not even caring he was lying in a hospital bed anymore.

"I'm God, you know, I'm pretty omnipotent... you need anything?" asked the powerful and all-knowing God.

"What's that mean? Omni...potent? What is that?" asked Julio to clarify an unclear term God just used.

"It means I can do anything. I can do whatever I want... all kinds of magic... like... you know... blow stuff up... make volcanoes do shit... you know... like anything...." answered God.

"Oh! Like Superman?" asked Julio.

"Yeah, pretty much... like Superman," answered God.

"Oh! Can you give my teacher diarrhea?" asked Julio.

"Of course I could give a teacher some diarrhea... which one?" asked God.

"Uhhh.... Mr. Schett! No! Mrs. Dongyschotts!" stammered Julio not knowing which teacher deserved diarrhea from God more.

"Julio... you're talking to a guy who can do literally anything... and all you want is for me to...?" started God.

"No! Wait! Anything!? Okay...wait...no... give TROY diarrhea, God!" exclaimed Julio.

"Julio...look... I'm not doing that. It's beneath me... I've solved global wars... I've stabilized economies... I've fought Satan like a hundred times... look... I'm not giving some fat lady diarrhea! Okay!?" yelled God.

"Okay, like, whatever, God...whatever," disappointingly answered Julio.

"Julio... look... for real... listen...

You are not a kid anymore, you are gonna be a man soon. I know you don't have a dad anymore and you don't have someone to look up to in your life... but you're getting by alright. Your mother cares about you more than you can know and it looks like you're getting some close friends in your life.

Peter, Woolly-Milton Regular, and the gentle but strong Matsuo...

You four, together, are going to accomplish a lot in your lives. You are basically a Dream Team and don't even know it, yet. Together, you and your friends, are almost unstoppable.

Do you remember when you almost didn't even let Peter come to your house to beat Turtles but your mother intervened? That was fate, Julio. You two were fated to become friends. Fate works in mysterious ways... trust me.

You've already stood up to the worst boys in your school and made them cry. The four of you together? You are a power house... you can solve any problem! You four together? Even I can't believe it. It's not only the teachers, but even your evil-hearted principal, Mr. Dorksmund, is conspiring against your crew. He is weary of your combined strength and is deeply scared of a powerful youth-oriented rebellion.

Julio, there's going to be a big event held at your school, The All-American Mario Championship, and it will be something you will have no choice but to take part in... for the honor and pride of you and your friends. It won't be easy for you... the kids at your school, the teachers, and even your evil principal shall be conspiring against your crew. On top of it all, you won't even be fully healthy by that time... but you have to take part... you can't sit by the rock and pretend to smoke cigarettes. Smoking is really bad for you, by the way, your dad asked me to tell you not to ever smoke real cigarettes.

Oh and... about Woolly-Milton stabbing that kid in the dick with a barbecue fork? Trust me... not only did it never happen... but that stupid kid was acting like a complete moron... it was hard for him to keep cool around a kid acting like such a moron... you can always trust Woolly-Milton Regular... through thick and thin... through peace and war... and never doubt that.

As for Peter? He will always have your back since you gave him that pair of American flag themed jogging pants... never forget that. If you two were in a war together... Peter would literally take an incoming grenade from a grenade-launcher for you. He really would.

Matsuo? He views you as the coolest kid he's ever met. He was very frightened, sitting at the cafeteria table, that fateful day... and views you like a timely-rain who swept down to help him.. he views you as being so cool... even cooler than his friend in Japan who does motocross. That kid is only fifteen and already has his own dirt bike... and he thinks you are twice as cool as that kid... maybe even three times. Never forget that...

Julio...

I wish you luck," said the word of God.

"Wait God! When I wake up will I remember you?" asked Julio.

"No, you won't, Julio..." answered God. 

"Can I ask you one more thing? Please?" pleaded Julio.

"Okay... but I can't make your mom win the lottery, bring your dad back to life, or give some fat guy diarrhea... okay?" said God.

"God... what is Hulk Hogan's problem? Like, for real, what is Hulk Hogan's actual problem?" asked Julio of God.

"I dunno, Julio, I know you hate Hulk Hogan but hatred is not my department. That's more Satan's department... the whole hatred thing... it's more for Satan. You shouldn't hate people... but I know what you're asking. Even me, like even me, watching the Mania where Macho Man drops the belt back to him... I was like... what the hell? So, I don't want you to hate people or anything... but... in the case of Hulk Hogan... even I have to ask what that guy's problem is... and I'm God... so," started God.

"Yo, God... he grabbed his tights for a leverage maneuver! This is the guy telling us to pray to you and eat our vitamins! He blatantly cheats in front of everyone's eyes!" pleaded Julio.

"I'll see what I can do. Okay? But... I don't usually do petty things... but... it's so true what you're saying. I saw one match, where he was fighting Boss Man, and Hogan stepped on Boss Man's eye while he was lying on the mat! Who steps on someone's eye!?" said God.

"Back rakes, too, and eye gouges..." Julio said shaking his own head in the hospital bed for the first time in days.

"I know... you're right... this guy tells you to pray to me and then you have to watch him cheat all the time. Macho should've dropped the belt to Flair not to Hogan," said God.

"It's so true, God, it's so true... your word is so pure and so true..." said Julio, now sitting up in his bed, for the first time in days.

He opened his eyes...

He saw his mom...

"Julio!? Are you awake!?" exclaimed his mother.

"Yeah, Mom... I am... I'm... I'm awake," said the groggy Julio.


To Be Continued...



Chapter 8
Do it for Julio...


Meanwhile... in front of Woolly-Milton Regular's house, in the driveway, Woolly-Milton was playing basketball with his friend Matsuo. Woolly-Milton's mother, Mrs. Regular, exited the house to offer Matsuo chips and a refreshing beverage...

"Playing some basketball Woolly? Is that your new friend from Japan? Would you boys like some chips and some root beer?" asked Mrs. Regular.

"Oh, indeed I would, arigato gozaimasu, Mrs. Regular-san," replied the polite Matsuo.

"That means thank you in Japanese, mom," informed Woolly-Milton.

"Okay, Woolly, I'll be back, have fun," said Mrs. Regular.

They began shooting some hoops in his driveway. Matsuo had previously played basketball in Japan, a few times, in gym class... but was not as adept at the game as Woolly-Milton was, who was a stellar basketball player. As Matsuo released his shot from behind the family station wagon in the driveway, which according to Woolly-Milton was three-point range in his driveway, Woolly-Milton leaped high into the air and blocked the shot with relative ease!

"Damn! I'm Dikembe Mutombo! I'm Dikembe dang Mutombo!" yelled Woolly-Milton as he blocked Matsuo's attempted three-pointer.

"Who is Dikembe Mutombo, Woolly-Milton-san?" asked Matsuo.

"He's a rookie in Denver. Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo... he's a blocking machine!" explained Woolly-Milton.

"This name sounds Congolese in origin," said Matsuo as he fixed his out-of-place glasses after his missed three-point attempt from behind the station wagon.

"Could be, Funk, could be," thought Woolly-Milton as he referred to Matsuo by his new nickname, Funk, in regards to his funky moves in regards to both Mario 2 and to soccer.

"It is a shame that Peter-san went back home after school instead of shooting some hoops with us," said Matsuo emphasizing a term as if it was the first time he had ever said it aloud.

"Peter's sad, man, yo, look, check... Peter used to have no friends in our school... then one day him and Julio were like best friends out of nowhere... no one could explain it... when Pete heard that Julio was in a dang coma... he was sad man... like, yo, like... he was like really really sad, man..." said Woolly-Milton with a single tear in his eye.

"Yes... I understand... he wishes to be alone to grieve like a lone wounded samurai who has lost a brethren..." said Matsuo as he, also, wiped a single tear from his eye.

Just then Mrs. Regular sprang from the house almost dropping a bowl of chips!

"Woolly! Woolly! It's Julio! Your best friend from school! He's on the phone! The one you told me who fell off his bike! He's calling you on the phone!" said Mrs. Regular.

"WHAT!?" exclaimed Woolly-Milton as he ran post-haste into his house, in a clamor, to answer the phone call.

"Nani!?" exclaimed Matsuo who ran right behind him.

Woolly-Milton hurriedly answered the phone, almost dropping it several times, before shouting...

"JULIO! JULIO! IS IT REALLY YOU!? ARE YOU OKAY!?" shouted Woolly-Milton into the telephone's receiver.

"Yeah, I'm... I'm still in the hospital Milt... I'm... I'm... I can't walk yet... I..." started Julio.

"We thought you were going to die!" yelled Woolly-Milton.

"I didn't even die, Milt. I just fell off my bike a bit. I just had to go to the hospital because my mom made me... I... I..." started Julio.

"Julio! Me, Pete, n' Mat came to the hospital last week! We saw you! We thought you were literally going to actually fucking, like, literally DIE! Don't lie to me homie!" yelled Woolly-Milton.

"Oh, really? You saw me all lying here all dead and everything?" asked the ashamed Julio.

"Yeah! We did and we were scared! I can't believe you are awake! I can't believe you are talking to me! You're gonna be okay!?" said Woolly-Milton.

"Yeah..." started Julio.

"Yo! Mat's here! He wants me to tell you that he was sendin' up some Shinto prayers for you every mornin', noon, n' night for you to get better!" informed Woolly-Milton.

"Tell him thanks... Milt... look... I called Peter before and told him something... and I have to tell you two this also... so just listen and tell Mat what I said after I'm done..." started Julio still slow to speak after his incident.

"Okay..." said Woolly-Milton with a single tear in his eye anew.

"Milt... like I told Peter on the phone... I had, like, a divine intervention or something... I can't remember what really happened... but... all I know is... is that... our crew is seriously legit," explained Julio to Woolly-Milton Regular.

"Our crew is legit? I know that. Our crew... you, me, Pete, n' Mat... are damn legit! I know that!" agreed Woolly-Milton.

"No, no, no... you don't understand! Our crew is LEGIT for REAL. I was lying in this hospital bed, literally actually DYING... and all I kept saying in my head as I couldn't move, talk, or walk... was... I can't die right now because my crew is too damn legit!" said Julio.

"Damn, for real?" said Woolly-Milton.

"For real... you three have to hold down the fort until I can learn to walk again... keep the Triangle at bay and try to get straight A's... and trust me..." began Julio.

"Yeah?" said Woolly-Milton.

"...I'll be back," proclaimed Julio in his best Schwarzenegger voice right before hanging up.


To Be Continued...


Meanwhile at their local McDing's... Peter Pannis who was living on the edge of fear and who had lost all hope... was now reinvigorated to better his life. Julio told him, on the phone, before calling Woolly-Milton that the crew was gonna be reunited soon... and Peter wanted to look much cooler for when it finally happened. He wanted Julio to see a cooler kid when he got out of the hospital... and made it his plan to work night shifts after school at McDing's to make some money. His grandma told him, at thirteen, he was too young to work... and it was true... but... still...

"McDing's! How can we help you today?" smiled the pretty young woman at the cash register.

"Can I have a job application, please? asked Peter.

"Would you like fries with that... oh! Never mind... yeah... there's a pile of them next to the napkins... actually... don't even bother filling one out... we need people like crazy... you're hired... I'm actually the manager here..." she replied.

"You're the manager? You look like you're sixteen..." replied Peter.

"Sixteen!? Psssht... I'm SEVENTEEN! No-duh HICKEY! Give me a break... how old are you?" she asked.

"I'm thir...I mean...I am fifteen years old, miss!" replied Peter confidently in his lie.

"Look... you can't work the cash because that's what me and my friends do... you can't work the kitchen because that's what my boyfriend and his friends do... we need someone to slop around the grease," explained the sixteen-year-old manager of McDing's.

"Slop around the grease?" asked Peter.

"Yeah. Slop around the grease with the mop, you know? Like clean up all the grease that's all over the place. Empty the grease trap into the grease bucket and poor the grease bucket into the secret grease landfill out in the back near the other store's garbage and where the old tires are. Watch out when you bring the grease bucket to the grease hole... there's homeless guys out there sometimes," she explained.

"Uh, okay," said Peter who was learning his first job in society would be pouring buckets of grease into a makeshift hole behind some old tires.

"...and also... we hate the lard blocks.... so you do the lard blocks too," she said.

"Lard...blocks?" asked Peter not really liking to say the word Lard out loud.

"Yeah the Grade A McDing's quality-assured pig fat blocks. You have to dump them right into the fryer after you're supposed to clean out the old fry grease. It splashes around and burns your skin if you throw the lard blocks in too fast..." she explained.

"Okay..." said Peter.

"Okay, Grease Boy, you're hired! Welcome to the staff! Oh wait! Wait... I have to show you the video first... sorry... go in the back and ask the old guy with the watch to show you the video... okay?" explained his new manager.

"Okay........" confusingly replied Peter.

Peter was excited to have his first job but also a bit let down. He thought if his lie worked and they didn't know he was too young to work... he'd look all cool and old as he was serving his friends in a cool McDing's hat... not burning his skin with lard blocks and dumping buckets of vile fats into secret landfills near some other business's garbage.

Whatever... he thought... it was for Julio! Do it for Julio he kept repeating to himself. Julio was lying motionless for almost two weeks in a hospital bed... the least Peter could do for his best friend... was have cooler clothes when his best friend got back to school so their crew could be more legit.

He found the old man with the watch... and asked him why he was known as the guy with the watch...

"I've worked at McDing's for twenty five years! Hahahahaha! They give you a watch if you do that!" bragged the old watch guy.

"What's your job here, now?" asked Peter.

"I dunno... sometimes I change the cashes for the young kids because they don't know much math and can't add up their sales to their current cash on hand... and uh.... oh! I show the new people the video!" explained watch guy.

The old man with the watch he was awarded for working at McDing's for twenty five years popped a VHS tape into a small TV mounted onto a large wheelable rack. The video was...odd.

At first Peter thought it was a joke... like something the band Devo would think of in a music video to make fun of corporate franchise training videos... but then he realized this was a real corporate franchise training video... as he watched a self-described "super cool" McDing's employee on the screen in sunglasses and a McDing's uniform explain to him how to properly dispose of the grease in the building after making hundreds of burgers, chicken nuggets, and fries all day long. They had procedures where they had a truck outside that handles waste products and they didn't use buckets... they had big plastic containers, safety gloves for hot grease, and protective eye wear.

It wasn't like what his manager told him he was supposed to do what-so-ever... but... he figured it was mandatory that they had to show him this before he could start working.

"Uh, Mr. ummm... Mr. Watch Guy... can I, like, start now?" Peter asked Watch Guy.

"Yeah... I think so... they told me you're the new Grease Boy while you were watching the tape... uh... the bucket is over there... and the lard blocks are in the freezer next to the fry boxes...ok? Bye." replied Watch Guy... as if this was the first and last time he'd ever speak to Peter.

Peter looked at the grease bucket... it was dirty and smelled... it used to be white, he thought, but now was gunked-over in years and years of vile fats. He grabbed it and went into the kitchen...

"Grease Boy! Wooooo! Here comes the Grease Boy! Wooooooo!" said a dopey burger-grilling teenager older-than-him as he pointed to a part of the grill that was filled with grease.

Peter looked at it, stupified, and had no idea what to do. The guy with sunglasses in the training video had to screw the grease trap off with a screw-driver and use safety gloves to empty the grease into the bright shiny plastic buckets to load onto the waste truck.

"Take the grease trap off!" yelled his manager.

"Uh....what?" asked Peter.

"We don't screw it on like in the video! We have to empty that thing FIVE TIMES A DAY! There's no point to put the fucking screws back in each time! Just take the trap off and fill the bucket with the shit and throw it where I told you! Next to the tires! Watch out for the homeless guys! GOD!" yelled his new manager as she was trying to train a new employee while simultaneously taking orders from customers.

"Uh.. okay... just... okay," said Peter as he took off the over-flowing grease trap from the grill unit and poured the boiling hot vile fat into a gunk bucket... all the while... saying to himself... do it for Julio, do it for Julio, do it for Julio.

"Nice pour, Grease Boy! Ow! Now take it out back... you'll see where to pour it, little bro, there's like a hole, you can't miss it, it's covered with some old boards and wooden palettes. Just move the board, NOT THE PALETTES, and pour the grease into the opening... and don't fall into the hole either!" said the burger-flipper guy who took out one ear-phone off his Walkman to tell Peter this critical information.

"Okay..." said the now pretty down Peter who accepted his role as Grease Boy.

He walked with the bucket, now his bucket, which had now cooled down and wasn't hot enough to scald his skin, out the back door... he saw the tires they were talking about about 20 feet away near another business's garbage. The bucket was heavy and he felt odd carrying it... like it was work... like you hear about on TV... like full-fledged work.

He got to the hole covered in old grease-soaked palettes and boards. It was a way to hide from the other business that they were pouring grease into a hole... but... looking at the other business's garbage... he didn't think they'd care if grease was back here. Their garbage was weird-ass shit that most people don't throw away... gross-ass shit... and grease was the least weird thing back here.

He kicked the board in the center off the palettes and saw the hole for the first time.

"Whoa!" Peter said.

It was like ten feet deep and ten feet wide! Half-way full of vile fat! Whoa! Some was dry, on the lower-layers, and some was hot and fresh floating on top of the old dry layer.

He poured the vile fat into the pit of fat and went back to his place of work. Next, he remembered his other duty, was to dump square blocks of lard into the deep fryer. In the video, the guy in the sunglasses, emptied the old grease out and disposed of it in a safe and clean manner... he wondered if he would do it that way...

"Uh... can I do the lard now?" asked Peter as he walked back into his place of work.

"Yeah, you can, but don't do it like the video. Just, like, unwrap the lard block and throw it into the old grease and jump back so the grease splash doesn't burn you..." said his new manager who after doing one task at his official new job felt like she was already his war buddy.

"We don't drain the old grease out first and dump it in the fat hole?" asked Peter innocently.

"What!? No! There's a lineup of twenty customers in here! You think we can just shut the fry fryer off? How will we give them fries? If we shut that off and drain the old shit out... you're talking about like fifteen minutes! If these people have to wait fifteen minutes to get food we could have a literal fucking RIOT!" she said.

Peter finally understood what fast food meant... it meant make it really fast or in-hurry people will go insane. He ran to the freezer and remembered that Watch Guy told him the blocks of fresh lard were next to the fry boxes. He found them!

"Grade A Pig Lard, McDing's Seal of Approval," he read out loud to make sure he found the right thing in the freezer.

He rushed out of the freezer and threw the box on a table! He hurriedly unwrapped the lard from the packaging... it was mushy and felt weird to handle... he quickly dumped the lard into the deep fryer and jumped back safe and sound! The new lard made a splash and a loud sound! Everyone in the kitchen congratulated him!

"Yeah! Oh yeah! Woooo! Get that lard in the fryer, baby, yeah! Grease Boy! Yeah!" they all yelled as they either flipped burgers or put fries into little bags.

He wiped the sweat from his forehead...

"All in a day's work," said Peter proudly.


To Be Continued...


Finally, after five hours, Peter's shift ended! He asked his manager how much money he gets...

"Well, five hours, times...uhhh... four....uhhh dollars.... it's...." started his manager who was bad at math.

"Four times five is twenty..." interjected Peter.

"Yeah, so you get twenty bucks for today. We get paychecks every two weeks...so... if you work five days per week at uuhhh... twenty bucks per day... every paycheck you'll get...uhhh...." she started.

"Two hundred bucks..." said Peter as he solved the equation for her.

Peter couldn't believe it. If he emptied a bucket into a hole a few times a day and threw lard into a fryer for two weeks... he'd actually get two hundred dollars?

"Whoa... two hundred bucks? I've never even seen two hundred bucks... whooaaaa...." said Peter.

"Anyways shifts over... you wanna come drink and smoke with us at our rock?" asked his manager.

They had a rock? Like he and his friends had? They were older kids though... they probably smoked real cigarettes at their rock though instead of just pretending to smoke cigarettes. His manager was really pretty and made Peter nervous... he wanted to say no but his words betrayed him.

"Yeah! I want to smoke at the rock! Yeah!" he responded to her.

"Okay cool... me, Franky, Carla, Howie and Jimmy are all going... oh, by the way, my name's Kate," said Kate his manager.

"I'm Peter!" said Peter.

"Peter? Cool name... sure beats Grease Boy," said Kate as she closed the cash, took out the money and coins and gave it to Watch Guy to count.

"Yo! Greasy Pete! Let's go to the rock n' smoke!" said Franky.

The crew of McDing's all went out the back, walked passed the vile fat hole, and all sat against a cool looking rock that was even bigger and funner to lean on than the rock Peter and his friends pretended to smoke cigarettes at school was. Peter tried his best to act two years older than he claimed he was... he leaned coolly against the rock and filtered his thoughts before he spoke so he didn't talk about Ninja Turtles or some sort of other greasy kid's stuff. The older kids began to speak...

"Hahaha! Ugly dude came in again! Hahaha! He's so ugly! Hahaha," laughed Jimmy.

"Yeah! He always orders the fish shit," said Kate, who to Peter, was like an angel of beauty and every word out of her porcelain face sounded like a symphony.

"I hate making the fish shit... no one ever orders it except for ugly dude and the Arabic guys who can't eat meat on Fridays," said Howie.

"Here Greasy Pete... take a cig... you earned it," said Frank as he passed him a cigarette, a real cigarette.

Peter let Franky light it for him as he watched the embers turn bright orange in front of his eyes. It was majestic... he took a puff just like he and his friends pretended at their rock at school. He started coughing but using all his will-power to not look like it was the first time he puffed a cigarette, he managed to will himself to stop caughing. He began to swallow over-and-over-and-over... he couldn't stop swallowing for some reason... but the older kids didn't notice he was having this reaction.

"I got so drunk last weekend! Hahahahaha! I love peach schnapps!" laughed Carla.

Peter heard their laughter and faked a few laughs along with the others, whilst still swallowing over-and-over-and-over... until...

BLAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! He puked! He puked, all over the place! He puked all the food he ate when he thought they weren't looking! He ate the food so fast so they wouldn't see him eating all that free McDing's out of those greasy yellow trays they have to keep meat warm, that one of the nuggets wasn't even chewed! He puked a whole chicken nugget! Not only that but he was so nervous on his first shift at his first job that he was biting his nails the whole five hours straight... he saw his own finger nails in his puke! He had never been so anxious before... it was the weirdest feeling he ever felt... sitting with cool older kids and all he could think about is if they'd noticed he ate some food when they weren't looking and hoping they didn't notice that he bites his nails!

His life was over...

"Damn, Grease Boy! Hahahahaha... that's exactly how I was on the weekend! Hahahaha... I puked all over my bathroom when I got home! Hahahaha!" laughed Carla who didn't seem to care at all that he just puked.

"Go puke in the fat hole next time, Greasy Pete, don't puke at the rock!" chastised Jimmy.

Peter Pannis was in over his head... he didn't like being old... he hated being older... he wanted to be young again... he wanted to go back to being a kid as quickly as he could... but... he just sat there thinking about the twenty bucks he just made. They didn't even seem to care that he just hurled... let alone notice a whole chicken nugget and finger nails in it.

"Uhhh... I gotta get going... uhhh... I'll see you... uhhh.... cool guys tomorrow... okay? Bye," said Peter who needed to make a hasty exit realizing hanging out with older kids was too much for him to handle.

"Okay, see you tomorrow, Greasy," said Kate.

"Bye, Kate, uh, bye," said Peter as he made a fast-break for home.


To Be Continued...

Two days later...

After another uneventful day at school Woolly-Milton and Mat were back a Woolly-Milton's playing video games...

"Peter-san is acting in a strange manner, Woolly-san, even more than usual..." discouragingly said Matsuo.

"Hmmm... he fell asleep, straight up, in Dongy's class today while she was talking about how The Smurfs teach us valuable dang life lessons or something. He looks so out of it... and the things he was telling us at the rock, and at lunch, man... it was weird," agreed Woolly-Milton.

Peter told them, at their rock, that when he was little his long-lost parents used to call him Peter Pan and told him he can be a kid for as long as he wanted to be. He told Woolly-Milton and Matsuo that he wanted to be like Peter Pan... again... he explained that we are in a such a rush to get old, look old, and act old... that we lose sight of what we had. When all of the hustle and bustle of growing up hits you like a ton of bricks... we lose touch with who we really are.

"All that never-never land stuff? It was sort of true what he was saying though. One day you're laughing and playing hopscotch... and the next? Every kid is scared of you and hates you because some moron made up that you stabbed them in the dick with a damned barbecue fork at the school cook out..." said Woolly-Milton as he shook his head.

"Growing up is not easy. Life of an adult in Japan is constant work... I only ever speak to my father-san when he calls me from work... we should play video games while we still can... I shall show you how to defeat Mario 2. You made it to level six last time... you are almost capable of great feats of incredible prowess yet need more practice," explained Matsuo.

As Woolly-Milton went to get Mario 2 from his NES collection a very interesting commercial came upon the TV screen! A man in a red, white, and blue track suit began talking about nintendo!

"He has the same American pants as Peter-san!" exclaimed Matsuo.

"No, those are track pants... Peter has American flag jogging pants. Yo! Is he talking about nintendo?" inquisitively stated Woolly-Milton Regular as he ate some salt and vinegar flavored potato chips.

"The Global American World Nintendo Championship: Mario Meltdown Edition is coming to your state! It might even be coming to your school! Nintendo players from all across the global United States shall compete in a pan-American world tournament to see who is the greatest Mario player in the entire world!" said the nintendo man in the American-themed track suit on the TV screen.

"Say...what!?" said Woolly-Milton.

"Nani!?" said Matsuo.

"It is going to be a Mario Gauntlet! Mario 1, Mario 2... and the brand-new Super Mario Bros. 3! Teams of up to four stalwart nintendo fans will compete to see who can beat all three games the fastest! It's going to be a Mario Meltdown! Mario Mania! Best of all? It's going to happen in high schools in every state! Three schools will be selected per state to hold this exquisite championship! Will it be your school!?" the man in the commercial explained as fast as he could to fit all of those words into the thirty-second advertisement.

"Mario... three? There's a Mario...three?" asked Woolly-Milton.

"Yes, yes. In Japan, on Famicom, there is now a game called Mario 3... yes, indeed. Hmmm... this is very interesting, indeed. Indeed..." nodded Matsuo.

"A Mario championship? A Mario tournament? A Mario...meltdown? A new Mario!?" said Woolly-Milton not even really believing what he was hearing.

"Imagine, Woolly-san? One of the schools is ours?" excitingly said Matsuo.

"Yeah, right, Funk... don't get your hopes up... nothing cool ever happens at our lame-ass school, Funk..." replied Woolly-Milton shaking his head again.

"You are right. Let us not raise our hopes... let us, instead, play Super Mario Bros. 2..." defeatingly stated Matsuo.


Meanwhile at the hospital...

Julio still couldn't get out of bed. He sat up, for the first time in a long time, and ate his tray of hospital food. It was greying beef, or pork, or something... with a brown sauce... lemon water... and string beans... no dessert.

"Ugh," said Julio.

On the television in his hospital room... the same commercial came on the screen. His reaction was unlike those of Woolly-Milton and Matsuo... something inside his mind and body... stirred... in a way he couldn't explain. It was almost as if... he knew... this was going to happen.

"A... Mario Meltdown? A Global American World Nintendo Championship?" he said incredulously as he watched the man in the American flag-themed track suit explain the current situation in America regarding nintendo.

Something inside of himself knew that this was not only going to happen at his school but that it was of the utmost importance... almost as if he could hear the reverberations of his own heart as the nintendo man spoke!

"I...I...I have to get better... before this happens... I have to... I need to... I need to get BETTER!" said Julio as he forced himself to eat the greying meat and mushy string beans.


Five hours later... outside of McDing's...

"You coming to the rock Peter?" asked Kate, his manager, even though she knew the answer.

"No, I... uhhh... I have a big exam at school tomorrow... I have to go home," said Peter.

Peter made it through his first week at his first job. He hated it but he was getting used to it... the commercial he saw before leaving for work was echoing through his brain... The Global American World Nintendo Championship... it was like the World Series of Mario... he thought. What a great event! Imagine, it somehow, or someway... was held at their school?

He made it home... almost broken and defeated. His best friend was still in the hospital, he was falling asleep in school, messing up routine assignments, getting bad grades, and was a dirty-dirty Grease Boy at night to make money to afford new clothes. The only thing helping him get through his misery was his favorite VHS tape.

He popped it into his VCR atop his tiny television in his bedroom... it was the only thing keeping him going... it was...

...Mr. T's Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!

This was a REAL training video not like the one they showed him before he started working... which had nothing to do with what he actually had to do at work. This video actually prepared him for life in a tangible and functional way... and he watched it every single night.

He was too tired to even play video games. He went to school, to work... ate something at work... then came home, watched Mr. T's Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!... and then promptly went to sleep to repeat the routine the next day.

Mr. T's voice echoed through his small room on low volume as to not wake up Peter's ill grandmother...

"If anybody tries to call you square! Just look'em in the eyes n' tell 'em you don't care!
If you don't wanna be a crazy fool! You better study real hard n' stay in school!
Now everybody knows Mr. T don't lie n' it 'aint no fun just scrapin' by!
So if you wanna be cool just like me! You better try real hard to be Somebody!" said Mr. T.

Peter was filled with the strength and will of one hundred champions every single night!

To Be Continued...

Meanwhile in the teacher's lounge, high atop the school, our three evil-hearted trouble-makers were up to their usual treachery! Principal Dorksmund, Mrs. Dongyschotts, and Mr. Schett were enjoying cocktails and scheming in their lair of misdeeds and deception. Mr. Schett and Mrs. Dongyschotts were appalled that Principal Dorksmund had recently accepted the offer for The Global American World Nintendo Championship to be held at their school.

"Are you joking!? A video games competition!? Are you out of your damn mind!?" asked Mr. Schett.

"Surely you jest!?" exclaimed Mrs. Dongyschotts.

"I'm not joking, now look..." said the evil Principal Dorksmund with his slender evil hands inter-weaved together and slightly in front of his menacing face.

"...I have hired a ringer. The winner of a local video game tournament held at a family-run video rental store that my informants have suggested to me... it was from three years ago... he is older now... he's no longer a high school student... but he has agreed to pretend to be younger and to join our school for three weeks only..." started the evil Dorksmund.

"...a ringer?" asked Mr. Schett as he sipped his rum and coke.

"Yes, a ringer, if you will. A plant designed to bring us victory. I have paid him ten thousand dollars from the school's coffers... the money that is usually used for the friday school cookouts. We shall be cancelling them all until further notice. I will place the ringer in a group with Troy, Tex, and Trent... for his name also starts with the letter T... his name is... Thor Backlund!" said Principal Dorksmund as he unhatched his evil plan.

"Looks like your new serpent's egg has already started to hatch, hahahahaha!" cackled the twisted Mrs. Dongyschotts.

"Yes, as soon as I saw that commercial on television with the fellow in the American flag themed track suit... I knew I could use it as a stepping stone... to re-establish our control! Hahahaha!" laughed the villainous Dorksmund.

"Getting our favorite hand-picked students back to being our unofficial disciplinarians shall save us much work and effort in the future. It is ten thousand well spent. The under-privileged and visible minority students morale has been much too high lately. Thankfully that wet-back Daygo fell off his bike... and might even die... but we still have to put the other riff-raff back in their rightful place!" proclaimed Mr. Schett.

"My ringer shall win the video games championship for the glory of our honor students... and usher in a new era of Order to our student body..." foreboded the evil Principal.

One week later, at the cafeteria....

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Gaywads and losers! We have an announcement!" proclaimed Troy while standing in the center of the cafeteria during the school's lunch hour.

"What in the world?" asked Peter, half-asleep, weary from sloppin' around the grease at McDing's the night before.

"Looks like the douchebags have some sort of proclamation or some shit," wondered Woolly-Milton.

"They probably would like to announce to their fellow classmates that they are terrible at soccer and are very very stupid," suggested Matsuo.

"Hahahahahaha, good one Funk," laughed Woolly-Milton Regular.

"Hahaha.... or that they finally got to World 3 in Mario 2!" said Peter.

"This oughta be good..." said Woolly-Milton as he put down his sandwich and listened.

"Let it be known to the entirety of the student body at large that we are no longer known as the Triangle of T! For as of right now and likely forever... we are no longer three members but are now FOUR and thus, geometrically, can no longer be known as a triangle for we now have four vertices on our great corners of awesomeness! We publicly announce to you all... that THOR... is our fourth member...of the... QUADRANGLE OF T!" proclaimed Troy raising his right arm in a very deliberate and uneasy manner.

Thor Backlund, the eighteen year old ringer paid ten thousand dollars to re-attend high school just to partake in a video game competition stood up and raised his right hand into the air! The four members of the Quadrangle stood, very prominently, raising their right arms to the sky.

"Damn... they're four now? We're outnumbered! Without Julio we're just three people... we can't beat them at any challenge with our present numbers," worried Peter.

"This is bad... they are growing more powerful by the week... while we just sit here praying that Julio comes back to school," also worried Woolly-Milton.

"We must be wary of them until Julio returns and not provoke them unnecessarily while our crew is not operating at full capacity," suggested the clever Matsuo.

"Agreed," nodded Peter and Woolly-Milton in agreement.

"For our SECOND announcement..." proclaimed Tex of the Quadrangle.

"What now?" wondered Peter aloud.

"The Global American World Nintendo Championship shall be held in the auditorium in three weeks! Anyone who would like to compete has to sign up by the end of this week! No one can defeat us so you will be wasting your time! The Quadrangle of T, now with Thor Backlund, the greatest Nintendo wizard in our state shall reign victorious and anyone else signing up to compete with us is out of their minds!" proclaimed Tex to the student body.

"WHAT!?" exclaimed Woolly-Milton.

"No way... The Global American World Nintendo Championship? Here!? In OUR school!? It just simply cannot be!" said Peter in disbelief.

"...." said the speechless and in shock Matsuo.

"We have to sign up! Pete... you and Mat are the greatest video games players I have ever seen with my very own two eyes! We have to sign up! I'm going right now to sign us up! I'm putting Julio's name too! He'll be back in three weeks... I just know it!" shouted Woolly-Milton with glee as he sprang up in a clamor, forgetting his half-eaten sandwich, to sign their crew up for The Global American World Nintendo Championship!


To Be Continued...


Chapter 9
The Cookout Rap Battle

At the hospital, things were picking up for Julio who's mother, the gentle and caring Juanita, had brought him his nintendo so he could hook it up and play it in the hospital. She bought him Dragon Warrior II as he requested. She tried to find Super Mario Bros. 3 for him like he saw on the commercial but it wasn't available at any stores yet. She even tried Woolworth's!

Julio spent his bed-ridden days playing Dragon Warrior II, which according to Matsuo was a very popular title in Japan but there it is known as Dragon Quest II. The game was very difficult but all Julio had was time. He called Matsuo from time to time to ask for help beating it.

His mother was bringing him tacos, fajitas, lasagne, tortillas and five bean casseroles... which was helping him regain his strength. At one in the afternoon... a nurse would bring him by wheelchair to a room with padded railing on the wall to try and walk a few steps while holding on to the padded rails... he managed to take eight steps last time before his body conked out.

Life was hard but he was trying his best to get out of the hospital. Peter had called to tell him The Global American World Nintendo Championship was going to be held at their school... and he assured Peter that he already somehow knew that. He told him it was fate... it was fated to happen.

Peter didn't tell anyone that he was working at McDing's, not even Julio when he called him, for he didn't want anyone to know he was a dirty grease boy sloppin' around that slop.

After two weeks, Peter received his first pay cheque! He promptly went to the mall and bought new clothes. It was a black and gold dress shirt, black jeans, and Italian loafers with pointed toes! It cost him almost his whole pay cheque... with the rest he purchased an imitation gold chain like the ones Mr. T wore.

When he arrived at school no one could believe it was him!

"Hey baby! Uhhhh.... EW! PETER PENIS!?" said the mean blonde girl.

He walked right by her to his crew who were as equally in shock to see Peter, known forever at their school as Jogging Pants Boy... calmly and non-chalantly strolling into the building wearing a black and gold dress shirt, black jeans, and cool pointy Italian shoes.

"Damn Pete! Why are those shoes so damn pointy!? Is it to get into the corners of a room to kill cockroaches!?" asked Woolly-Milton in awe.

"Haha, no, Woolly... these are imported from Italy... people there wear pointy shoes..." calmly explained Peter who was now speaking suavely to match his attire.

"Are you of Italian origin, Peter-San?" asked Matsuo.

"A little on my mom's side... I think... my dad was like one-third Greek though... which is pretty close to Italy..." explained Peter as he wiggled his new gold-plated imitation chain.

"You look so cool, dude!" said Woolly-Milton almost freaking out.

They proceeded to their homeroom and bumped into the new kid, Thor Backlund, on his way to class.

"Hey new kid... what homeroom are you in?" asked Peter.

"I'm in Mr. Schett's gifted class... he has set up what he calls The Mario Lab in his homeroom... there's five nintendos in there... for cool guys... cough... uhh.... I mean cool kids... like us... the gifted kids..." stammered Thor not really even trying to act younger, his voice so deep, monotone, and un-kid like.

"A Mario Lab? What?" asked Woolly-Milton.

"Yeah... fellow kids... they pre-ordered five copies of Super Mario Bros. 3 from the distributor itself, Mr. Schett told me it cost them almost two hundred bucks for each copy, that's how in demand the game is right now... it hasn't even been officially released to stores yet," explained Thor.

"They have Mario 3 in Mr. Schett's homeroom!? That's not fair! We aren't in that class! How come only his class has Mario 3!?" demanded Peter.

"...Because, that's just the way it is," calmly and coldly explained Thor the new "kid."

They proceeded, angrily, to their homeroom where instead of getting to train at Mario 3 in a secret Mario Lab... they'd probably be watching some horrible movie from the sixties or learning how to comb their hair and practice good hygiene.

They sat down at their desks as class begun for the day...

"Ding dong! Welcome to school! We will have a beautiful day today my boys and girls," sang-spoke Mrs. Dongyschotts.

They all rolled their eyes...

"Now, as you have heard, on the inter-com... our monthly friday night cook outs were almost cancelled but we asked each student to make an itsy-bitsy five dollar monthly donation which was added straight to their supply and registration fee... so... we will be having the cook out after all! YAY!" stated Mrs. Dongyschotts as she danced in place like a moron.

"Most of us don't even go to the cookout... my mom was mad that there was a new fee added without explanation... we don't even like the cookouts," said a student with bushy eye brows.

"What a silly-willy ninny-winny! You are a party pooper and a spoil sport!" chastised Mrs. Dongyschotts.

"...." said the student with bushy eyebrows as he gave up his protest almost before it even started.

"Plus! Get ready for this! The Quadrangle, our wonderful peppy honor-roll students, shall be preforming a show. It is a rap show!" she excitingly stated.

"Now this I gotta see..." said Woolly-Milton Regular under his breath to his friends.

"Aren't you banned from those?" asked Peter.

"Naw, I 'aint even banned, I just got sick of going because that kid was pissing me off... I don't like it at all when suckers be fooling around while I'm cooking my food! I don't play-around around food. I take food, especially barbecue, very very very seriously. I lose my temper quickly when people be acting the fool when I'm cooking hot dogs or hamburgers. I stopped going because that kid was spraying the mustard and ketchup bottles around, getting condiments on people's clothes, and pretending he was messing with people's food! I hate people who mess with people's food! Food is a sacred thing!" explained Woolly-Milton as his voice began rising.

"Is there something you'd like to share with the class, Woolly-Milton?" condescendingly asked Mrs. Dongyschotts. 

"No... actually yes... I shall be attending the cook out... I haven't been for a while due to an unforeseen mishap but it's time I start attending the friday night cook outs once again... I wanna see that Quadrangle try to rap... and if they allow me... I shall bust off a few rhymes of my own..." proudly stated Woolly-Milton.

"....." replied Mrs. Dongyschotts as if she couldn't wait to go inform her liege, Principal Dorksmund, of this upsetting turn of events.

Peter was a bit sad, for he had to work and wouldn't be able to be there. He didn't know how he was going to explain to Woolly-Milton and Matsuo that he wouldn't be able to go. As he looked around the class he could even see the tide turning... the other students were also angry. They knew the other homeroom was playing Mario 3 right now... they knew something was off with the new kid who spoke in a gruff and monotone voice... and they hated that they were forced to "donate" five bucks a month out of nowhere to eat hot dogs and hamburgers, once a month, on friday... Peter could actually see the other students switching sides in-their-minds right in front of his very eyes. He remembered what Julio told them, to keep their adversaries at bay until he returned, and wished he had the soul-intensity and burning inner-spirit of Woolly-Milton!

"I'm going back to the cook out! I'm gonna grill some barbecue! I'm going to bring pickles... and if they allow me to.. I am going to RAP!" proudly proclaimed Woolly-Milton Regular.


To Be Continued...

At the grey and lifeless Hospital, Julio's morale was at an all-time low...

He knew his best friends were probably holding down the fort and wished more-than-anything that he could be with his best friends. Somewhere inside, he knew they needed him.

It was almost one o'clock in the afternoon, it was becoming routine, now, his life here... and he knew, it was time to be transferred-with-aid to his wheel chair and be brought by the nurse to the room with the padded-railings so he could re-learn to walk if possible.

It's been weeks now... he knew at this point... that he probably and likely wouldn't get better. His mother, the ever-gentle Juanita, left a mix-tape of music for the nurse to play while he tried to walk. He wasn't excited... he knew what it was gonna be on that tape ... that lame Mexican music she tried to get him to enjoy... some of that stuff even had accordions in it...

...he would prefer to stay in bed and finish Dragon Warrior II... than to pretend he could re-learn how to walk again. At least in Dragon Warrior... he could walk, and fight, and get experience points... unlike in real life. You could go gambling in Dragon Warrior also... which was fun... he actually got the gold card... after getting three suns in the lottery... but hated it... even something as great as that made him sad... he felt as though he didn't deserve this item... he felt he didn't even deserve good things in video games at this point... he hated the fact that everyone in this game's world was scared of the arch-fiend... while he was just playing the lottery all day long...

...and as soon as he got the gold card from the lottery he cursed this unjust world over-and-over... he didn't deserve anything... then he threw the gold card away... into the ocean... and pretended to watch the insignificant item float away... in the game. He pretended to watch this insignificant item float away for a significant amount of time.

...he was scared too... in real life... he felt like the people in the game who were scared of impending foreseeable doom... in his real life... he was fearful of so many people... people and concepts he considered as being arch-fiends... like in Dragon Warrior II.

The nurse came in, he already had grown tired of this pointless routine... but he knew he had to do it... he knew he had to be helped into the wheel chair and go to the walking room...

"Julio, your mom gave me a tape to play today as you walk... she couldn't be here today... she told me she had to go back to work or she'd lose her job," explained the kind nurse.

His mom was trying hard... and he knew it. He couldn't stop himself from shedding tears... he was ashamed of his condition.

The nurse helped transfer him to his wheel chair and brought him to the walking room...

"I think it's Spanish or Latin music on this... your mother told me," said the kind nurse as she pushed his wheel chair down the hall.

"It's... it's... Mexican......" corrected Julio.

"I tried to get you moving the other day, with up-beat numbers, but music isn't really the thing that gets you going... your eyes and smile are only happy... I noticed... when you play nintendo or when your friends call..." said the kind nurse as she shook her head.

"I know...but... I'm gonna try harder today... Ms. Kimberly... I am going to try harder...I... I promise..." said Julio sadly.

They made it to the room with the padded railings where he was safe to try and get up and take a few steps out of his wheel chair. The nurse helped him out of his chair, tied a safety belt around his waist, and hoped he could take some steps on his own. She put the mix tape his mother made for him into the audio system.

Julio tried his best but couldn't move much... his brain wouldn't let his body listen to him. The nurse knew it wasn't going well and wasn't too hard on him... Ms. Kimberly just held him... and hoped.

The Mexican mix-tape, his mom made for him, wasn't really the type of stuff Julio was into... he was born in The United States of America... and didn't even speak much Spanish, really. His mom's personalized walking mix-tape was annoying more than anything... the songs were repetitive and annoying always about salsa-this and salsa-that... one was about wait for tomorrow ... manana-this and manana-that... one was about water... agua-this and agua-that... it made him annoyed and more tired listening to his mom's annoying mix-tape... he just wanted to tell sweet Ms. Kimberly that he wanted to go back to his room and play more Dragon Warrior II...

...until the next song came on...

"Algo me pasa, no consigo dormir
Tomo tu foto y me tiro al sofá
Voy a romperla
El aire se me va, ja-ah-ja

Frente a su casa, tú le hablabas, te vi
La acorralabas, te olvidabas de mí
Salí corriendo
No pude resistir, ja-ah-ja

Ella es mi amiga y no te importó
Ella es amiga mía, la mejor
Fuiste a buscarla para hablarle de amor

Besos de ceniza, alma quebradiza
Ojos de inocente, corazón que miente
Como los bandidos te deslizas

Besos de ceniza, alma quebradiza
Ojos de inocente, corazón que miente
Todo de repente se hace trizas
Besos de ceniza, ja, ja

Fueron promesas, cuentos de cristal
Frágil tu modo de amarrarte de mí
Lo he visto todo
No me puedes mentir, no-oh-ho

Ella es mi amiga y no te importó
Ella es amiga mía, la mejor
Fuiste a buscarla para hablarle de amor

Besos de ceniza, alma quebradiza 
Ojos de inocente, corazón que miente
Como los bandidos te deslizas

Besos de ceniza, alma quebradiza
Ojos de inocente, corazón que miente
Todo de repente se hace trizas
Besos de ceniza

Alma quebradiza
Ojos de inocente
Corazón que miente
Todo de repente se hace trizas

Besos de ceniza, ha
Alma quebradiza, ha
Como los bandidos te deslizas

Besos de ceniza
Ojos de inocente
Todo de repente se hace trizas
Besos de ceniza"

-Timbiriche, 1987

 
This song, spoke to him, in a way he never even felt before. He always heard his dad humming this... he heard his mom humming this... this was his people's song!

He took a step, Fuiste a buscarla para hablarle de amor! He took a bigger step with his other foot!
He took another step! Besos de ceniza! His other foot followed behind him! 
He took another step! Alma quebradiza! His other foot followed and then out-paced his lead-foot!

Nurse Kimberly couldn't believe it!

He took a step, Fuiste a buscarla para hablarle de amor! He felt a groove!
He took another step! Besos de ceniza! He realized he is Mexican! 
He took another step! Alma quebradiza! The music of his people and homeland was in his body!

Besos de ceniza!
Alma quebradiza!!

He could not deny it!

"That's it, Julio! Keep going!" encouraged nurse Kimberly as Julio pushed off of the padded-railing on the wall, turned-around, and walked back to his wheel chair!

"I am Mexican! My father is Roberto! My mother is JUANITA! I am home... I feel ALIVE... I am who I am! I am ME!" proudly stated Julio at loud.

He let go of the railing for a second and took two whole steps without holding on to anything! He knew the words of this song! He remembered all the Spanish they taught him as a small kid.

"My brittle soul... he took another step without holding onto anything... my... my innocent eyes... he took another step while looking at his wheel chair as a goal he could reach... just trying to make his way back to it... my... my own human heart... to my own self...lies? YES! My own heart does lie to me! I lay here feeling sorry for myself! All day long! My own human heart LIES TO ME! I need to take another step!" said Julio to his own heart and mind.

Julio kept walking and walking...he realized at that moment that not only was he American... but he was also Mexican too! He felt free in his own body for the first time in his life! He was walking on his own! Free and at ease... like he always wanted to be!

He couldn't hold it in any longer... he could not hold his feelings inside any longer... as he pushed off of the railing and walked on his legs further than he's walked in many weeks he yelled out to the sky above...

"Besos de ceniza! Ojos de inocente! Todo de repente se hace trizas! Tear it up! Rip it all up and tear it down!" Julio shouted, at the top of his lungs, to the sky above... as he pushed himself to last step... back to his wheel chair and sat back down.

"...." said nurse Kimberly.

"How many... how many steps did I take... today....?" asked Julio.

"51..." answered nurse Kimberly in slight-shock that he willed himself to push himself to that level of intensity today.

"Good," smiled Julio.


To Be Continued...

A few days later at the Friday Night School Cook Out...

The picnic tables were set immaculately with napkins, plastic forks, and plastic knives. Many barbecues were puffing smoke and producing exquisite hot dogs and delicious hamburgers. The side dishes, brought by students who's mothers or step-mothers wanted to contribute, were vast. They included potato salad, regular salads, macaroni and cheese, macaroni salad, baked beans, coleslaws of various ingredients, french-fried potatoes, potato chips, and also tortilla chips. As far as dips and condiments went... as far as the eye could see... there were red ketchup bottles on every picnic table as well as yellow mustard bottles. There was onion dip, salsa, vinegar, and salad dressings. As far as refreshing beverages... there were soda pops of all sorts from cola to flavored-varieties such as orange Nehi.

Woolly-Milton and Matsuo were let down that Peter couldn't come and were worried about him but at this point they were used to him going missing for long stretches of time after school and had stopped wondering too much about it... maybe his grandma needed more help or something they had figured.

Woolly-Milton put his jar of pickles, he brought from home, on a picnic table. He and Matsuo each acquired two hot dogs each, two cheese burgers each, some french fries, some coleslaw, and two big orange Nehis.

They ate them and enjoyed them.

As they looked to the stage they could see the Quadrangle setting up their surprisingly expensive sound system. They were not prepared for what the Quadrangle's rap would be... in fact... it came as a bit of a surprise... to say the least. The Quadrangle arrived on the make-shift stage and proceeded to cut a horrifically unflattering dis-track on Julio and his friends. It came as a surprise to many. Previously, Woolly thought he'd laugh at some lame old jock-rap about sports or some New Kids on the Block style boy-band rap... he wasn't expecting an entire concert devoted to insulting his crew... when it finally began... he dropped his cheese burger in his paper plate and watched the concert with mouth agape!

"Are y'all ready for the MARIO MELTDOWN!?" yelled Tex into the microphone to start the rap concert.

The crowd cheered and many yelled that they were.

"Well now... I'm gonna tell you who ISN'T.
It's not me, for sure, it's someone DISTANT.
A Mexican kid who's now all BRITTLE.
Lying around like a loser in a damn HOSPITAL!" commenced rapping Troy.

Matsuo also dropped the spork he was using to eat his coleslaw. He could not believe they were dissing his best friend who was in the hospital. It was a shock to his system!

"That's right! We're ready for the MARIO!
We've been training in the lab all week, YO!
We're real AMERICANS just like G.I. JOE!
Not all foreign and weird like dirty-old MATSUO!" rapped Trent.

"YO," monotonely stated Thor into his microphone to help drive the point home.

"..." Matsuo could not believe his honorable name was mentioned in a school cookout dis track.

"What in the hell?" wondered Woolly-Milton Regular.

"...and when it comes to stinkin' and smellin' I think of PETER.
The same kid who looks exactly like a damn penis n' a WIENER.
Wearin' the same joggin' pants for a whole damn YEAR?
That penis face? My guess is he's a total friggin' QUEER!" shouted Tex into the microphone. 

"YO," monotonely stated Thor into his microphone, again, to help drive the point home.

The other students weren't cheering or anything. Even the mean blonde girl who liked Troy was really really weirded out that they'd make fun of a kid in the hospital who hadn't even been in school, in like, many weeks. They just watched nervously... except for Mrs. Dongyschotts, who was dancing in place like a big moron... flapping her flabby under-arms around. As the student body watched the over-weight teacher dance alone... the tide was still turning, in fact, no student liked the Quadrangle anymore... they thought they sucked and were weird.

"I guess I'm next? I wonder what rhymes with barbecue fork? What'll their dopey brains cook up? Dork? Spork? Mork... from Mork and Mindy?" wondered Woolly-Milton aloud as he took a bite out of his cheese burger while rolling his eyes.

Thor began his verse which was delivered in a gruff monotone voice...

"When it comes to Mario it's me who is the BEST.
Woolly-Milton Regular is worse than the REST.
They call that stupid guy Woolly-Milton REGULAR?
More like they should call him Woolly-Milton IRREGULAR!" stated Thor with a mic in his hand.

All the students watching the rap recital rolled their eyes and some started to openly jeer and boo them.

"Rhyming Regular with Irregular? These half-wits are not very good at this genre of music, Woolly-San," said Matsuo while shaking his head.

"I know, Funk, I know... they devoted a whole rap recital at a cook out to calling me Irregular... it's sad," said Woolly-Milton.

"You suck!" yelled the kid with bushy eyebrows at the Quadrangle instead of cheering for their rap.

All the students booed the Quadrangle who were now seen as spoiled brats who just got to play Mario 3 at school and who dedicated an entire rap recital to making fun of a kid in the hospital.

As the student body jeered and derided the so-called honor students, Principal Dorksmund lounged in his chair, high atop the school in his lair of deceit...

"...it is worse than I thought, Mr. Schett... we are looking at the makings of a full-fledged... youth-oriented rebellion..." stated Principal Dorksmund with eyes filled with fright. 

To Be Continued...


Woolly-Milton got up, nodded at Matsuo, it was time, Matsuo nodded back as he picked up a small tool kit and wire cutters, and walked to the stage, the crowd of students parted like when Moses parted the Red Sea as Woolly-Milton Regular walked, slooowly, to the stage.

He arrived and looked up at the elevated stage as Troy, Trent, Tex, n' Thor glared at him with their arms crossed under their scoury eyes. Before he could jump on the stage and bust his rhymes... the rotund Mr. Schett stopped him.

"You can rap... but... we're not going to sit back and take it lightly if a youth-oriented rebellion breaks out! We'll cut your mic! We'll cut your mic feed!" threatened Mr. Schett.

"...." responded Woolly-Milton Regular as he climbed onto the stage.

Matsuo climbed onto the stage from the back on the other side. He pulled out a turntable and a record and connected it to the sound system. He turned the volume up from seven to nine on the sound system, turned his Mets cap backwards, and started scratchin' that record on the turntable to re-hash the bass and drum beats on the record.

The crowd of students already started to get into it from Matsuo's scratchin' alone... then Woolly-Milton grabbed the microphone with his right hand. He had the mic in his hand...

He started noddin' to the beats of Matsuo's scratchin'...

"Thanks for the fresh beats, Funk, now look... I gotta respond to some statements made in the previous portion of this cookout rap recital... now don't I?" began Woolly-Milton.

The crowd was beginning to get excited as Matsuo turned up the tempo of his beats! The students started getting nuts and getting ready to get crazy!

"They told me that I'm Irregular!?" began Woolly-Milton.

He started to bust out his rhymes...

"They told ME that I'm... Irregular!?
The same guy who's rhymes go for your Jugular?
Callin' me Irregular... tellin' me that I'm Irregular?
Not circular, triangular, or even rectangular?
Gimme a break! I'm coming at you like a Jaguar!" rapped Woolly-Milton Regular.

The rhymes flowed like a stream of fresh water and cascaded off of the stage into the ears of the student body who nodded along to it. Mr. Schett's eyes were red and his jowls blue with rage as he watched the students, from seniors to juniors, nod along to the fresh flow of the timely rhymes that blasted off the stage.

Matsuo changed up the beat with some fly scratchin' on the turntable! He was now turning a Paul Simon single of Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard on the turntable switching up the tempo of the beats to make them fresh and also funky!

"Y'all coming after my crew!?
Julio is suffering if you only knew!
The Quadrangle, those sucker emcees who eat playdough,
Dissin' Julio just cuz his folks came from Mexico...
The dude was BORN HERE, don't even need no Green Card,
I can't wait until it's back to... Me n' Julio Down by the..." rapped Woolly-Milton as he pointed the mic to the audience.

"SCHOOLYARD!" yelled the crowd of students finishing Woolly-Milton's rhyme. Mr. Schett couldn't wait to run to the back of the stage and cut the microphone's feed as he witnessed all of the students sing along to Woolly-Milton Regular's rhymes.

Matsuo caught Mr. Schett out of the corner of his eye and let the record play for a minute as he readied his small tool box and wire cutters to counter Mr. Schett's sabotage. When the dastardly Mr. Schett was finished with his wire-cutting deeds... Matsuo shaved-open the wire casing with his wire-cutters and then used his tools to re-connect the wires. He managed to get back to his turntable before any technical difficulty could result on stage.

Mr. Schett watched with a sneer and smile as his plan unfolded, but when Woolly-Milton belted out his next rhyme... the conniving mischievous teacher almost fainted as the rap recital continued with no difficulty!

"What about suave Pete n' Mat the Funky Funker!?
The same two guys who beat the Quadrangle at Soccer!
Now y'all training in the lab all day long at Mario Three for Free!
While the rest of us kids have to now pay a damn cookout FEE!
The Quadrangle must be, at night, tossin' to and fro, 
Tryin' so hard all day long to maintain this ludicrous status quo, 
What're you gonna say when our crew defeats you guys at Nin. Ten. DO!" rhymed Woolly-Milton freshly as he dropped the mic and walked off the stage as the student body cheered and roared like a lion!


Stay tuned for the conclusion in a new entry!
Stay tuned for the finale, part III, of a Spring Story!