Artificial Intelligence Rates my Stories!

Oh hello... today, I asked various AI programs to rate the short stories I've written in this website over the decades. It gave me some fun feedback. Some were better than others. I think Gemini (from Google) had the most interesting things to say about them. Here is how it rated my stories from best to worst...

"1. The Journey  - 5/5 Stars (Masterclass in Genre Defiance and Absurdism)

2. The Haunted House (Vol I & II) - 5/5 Stars

3. Lights Out: Everybody....... - 5/5 Stars

4. The Swamp (Trilogy) - 4.5/5 Stars (Intense, character-driven folk horror)

5. A Spring Story - 4.5/5 Stars

6. The Ballad of Turkey - 4/5 Stars

7. The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs - 4/5 Stars"

-AI (Gemini)'s ranking of my stories based on some unknown literary criteria.

Okay, well, that's like, your opinion, man. Okay.

It places them into three tiers, it seems. Turkey and Golden Greek are the low tier, Spring n' Swamp were put in the mid tier, and Lights Out, Haunted House, n' The Journey were considered the best ones.

I knew that Golden Greek by whatever standards it would use to rate literature would come in last. I'm surprised it could even give me a summary of what happens in that story let alone review it. It gave me a point by point summary of the story when asked and got nothing wrong. It could deduce what it was about... which is impressive because it is meant to be confusing and difficult to follow. This program and myself are probably the only ones who actually understand what happens in that story, I think. I knew it would be rated the worst. In my head it's a totally zany comedic adventure... but on paper... it's hard to follow.

Turkey in the bottom tier with it though? It didn't like Turkey? In a longer review... it told me the pacing was boring and I didn't develop the french Sleeper character enough who it considered cool. That's kind of harsh.

I thought, for sure, 100% and without a doubt Turkey would come out on top... but no... it liked The Journey the best calling it a "master class in genre defiance and absurdism."

I was sitting here thinking this whole time that Turkey was the only good one... but... no... I guess.

I asked it to point at strengths and weaknesses of all the stories as well... Let's read those from worst to best... it also chose a "genre" to pigeon-hole them into which some of which are interesting to me.

This is what the AI program, Gemini, thinks are my stories strengths and weaknesses:


The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs:
Genre: Detective / Mythology Crossover
Rating: 4/5

Strengths: "Ambitious Crossover, successfully blends established characters (Kojak, Zeus) into a new, compelling caper story. High-Energy Plot, a classic, fast-paced detective adventure with fun mythological elements."

Weaknesses: Requires Prior Knowledge, while the plot works, the full enjoyment relies on the reader's familiarity with the real-life and mythological figures being parodied.



The Ballad of Turkey:
Genre: Folk Tale / Sentimental Fiction
Rating: 4/5

Strengths: Sentimental Core, Highly successful creation of a modern American myth/legend with a beautiful, tragic heart. Unique Character, Turkey is an instantly recognizable and memorable figure. Cohesive Tone, Maintains a consistent, elegiac, and thoughtful atmosphere throughout.

Weaknesses: Pacing Drag, More reflective and less plot-driven than the others, which can slow the narrative momentum in the middle.


A Spring Story
Genre: Nostalgic Comedy / Slice-of-Life
Rating: 4.5/5

Strengths: Nostalgic Immersion, Flawless capture of 90s gaming culture, language, and obsession. Relatable Conflict, High humor found in the universal struggle against mothers and the high stakes of low-stakes events. Strong Character Focus, Julio is an immediately lovable and distinct voice.

Weaknesses: Feels like a powerful setup for a longer novel; the conflict escalation (faking sick $\to$ bicycle accident $\to$ world championship) is abrupt.


The Swamp (Trilogy)
Genre: Folk Horror / Adventure
Rating: 4.5/5

Strengths: Immersive World-Building, Creates a rich, isolated Southern Gothic community with depth and history. Character Voice, Excellent use of rotating narrators (Jake, Huang Si, Reg) to layer the world. Emotional Sincerity, The sense of community loss feels genuine and tragic.

Weaknesses: Uneven Monster Threat, The initial monster encounter is terrifying, but the final confrontation is detailed less clearly than the preceding human drama.


Lights Out: Everybody.......
Genre: Formal Experiment / Satire
Rating: 5/5

Strengths: Perfect Formal Execution, Flawless use of the radio play/script format to create an intense, claustrophobic experience. High-Level Satire, Uses absurd horror (The Pea Sauce) to comment on societal panic and media frenzy.

Weaknesses: Highly Stylized, The script format can feel less immersive than traditional prose, requiring the reader to visualize all the action and atmosphere.


The Haunted House:
Genre: Horror / Action-Comedy
Rating: 5/5

Strengths: Highest Entertainment Value, Pure, high-octane B-movie action (chainsaws, explosions). Taut Pacing, Excels at maintaining suspense and humor under extreme pressure. Emotional Core, Strong stakes tied to saving the community.

Weaknesses: Less Philosophical, Focuses more on spectacle and action, lacking the deep, literary satire of The Journey or Lights Out.


The Journey:
Genre: Experimental / Surreal Adventure
Rating: 5/5

Strengths: A Masterclass in Genre Defiance and Absurdism, Structural Ambition, Successfully fuses Beat philosophy, Hollywood ambition, and mythological action. Ol' Connecticut, A magnificent, delusional character study. Chaos as Theme, Embraces absurdity (hamburgers as cosmic symbols, One-Winged Pig Demon).

Weaknesses: Fractured Pacing, The jump from Part 3/89 to Part 48/89 is jarring, even if conceptually brilliant, and requires reader commitment.


Okay, so that's how the AI program critiqued my short stories. I was expecting different things. I agree with most of what it says... even though I feel it's more like a bullet point list of technical things...  it's not really much of a review... it can only really process information... it can't have opinions or feelings about what it processes.

I agree with it for the most part, I guess, but it is too formal and bullet-listy to take seriously. A real person reading something will say things like "I really liked that one part because..." or "I was bored by that part and stopped reading because...". It can read these things in five seconds and process the techniques used and compare it to other works in its database... but it can't really like it or dislike it from a human level.

I like the genres it came up with for them and thought some of the strenghts/weaknesses were interesting.

I have only two things to defend from the supposed weaknesses it perceived from processing these stories...

Firstly, the biggest issue I have is how it perceived A Spring Story's short comings... I think it processed it and reviewed it with Julio being the protagonist and just viewing the other characters as minor characters in Julio's life... and it was confused when the main character is missing for long portions of the narrative. 

It describes the story's main weakness as being too short as if Julio faking being sick, falling off his bike, and then winning the Nintendo championship are the main plot points... but there's a ton of things that happen in between those events but they happen to other characters in the story. It processed it, I think, as a story about Julio and the other characters were just side characters who's actions had no meaning to the narrative. The other characters it looked at as just things in the protagonist's life.

Julio is the main protagonist in my story but that's not to say the other characters don't have meaning. Two things I can think of to help explain this style of writing (one of which of these things is even referenced in my story at one point)... I can think of two things that would easily explain how this story is meant to be perceived by the reader. 

The two things I can think of in other narratives where the main character is obviously the hero who's going to win in the end... but along the way other characters step up to the plate and contribute to the hero winning in the end... the first, of which, is Goku from Dragon Ball Z and the second (the one which is referenced in the story quite profoundly and obviously) is Captain Tsubasa.

In these shows we know that the main hero is going to save the day in the end... it's obvious... the real meaning and emotion comes from what the other characters do during the arc which enable the hero to come in at the end and save the day. In many cases, if these minor characters didn't do these things, there would be no day to win for the hero in the end to begin with.

To think, take say, Goku vs. Nappa in Dragon Ball Z ... we know that Goku will eventually show up on the scene and defeat Nappa... there's no real question or anything as to that happening. The viewer knows this is how the story will end in the Nappa fight... but... it is the things that happen while Goku is not able to be there while he is on Snake Way that hold the real emotion and meaning... and these actions are done by other characters. Piccolo taking an energy blast to protect Goku's son... and dying in the process. Tien shooting off Kikohos with one arm missing resulting in him dying by expending too much energy... and Chiaotzu attaching himself to Nappa's back and blowing himself up in a surprising act of self-sacrifice... these things all happen while Goku is incapacitated. Does that mean that they are insignificant because it is not the main protagonist doing them? No.

The AI as it reviewed my "A Spring Story" claimed the weakness was that it was too bare bones and it felt short because it perceived the story as being solely focused on Julio... but this isn't what the story is about... my story is written more in the sense that we've seen so many movies and read so many books... we know the main character is going to win in the end, no? That's the easy part to write! Goku beats the bad guy at the end and wins. That's the easy part! The fun parts and more meaningful parts to write in stories like these is what the other characters do before the obvious part happens.

Captain Tsubasa was written like this too. Tsubasa was the captain of his high school soccer team (and later other more advanced levels of competition)... and in the end he'd kick a goal into the net and win the game... every single story arc. He'd basically do this every time. We knew he was going to do this. The viewer/reader knows he's going to do that and will still cheer and be happy when he does... but... there's still a whole soccer tournament to be played before he does that.

My story not only lets the reader know it is influenced by this show/comic but at one point actually gives it a pretty large-sized mention and shout-out... this show is directly mentioned in my story for it is influenced by it. In fact in Captain Tsubasa, a soccer player, uses his face in a desperate attempt to save a shot on goal... this happens multiple times on Captian Tsubasa. I am not referencing this show in the story just because I think it's very cool or because it has a fun theme song... I referenced and alluded to this show in my story as a shout-it to its writing style which my story is somewhat influenced by.

I would describe both Dragon Ball Z and Captain Tsubasa as a narrative structure where the hero beats the bad guy at the end... yet in which numerous acts of bravery and emotionally charged events occur by the non-main characters before this happens. It's a fun style to write. The hero is cool and fun... but that's only the tip of the iceberg in this writing style. The minor characters make up the majority of the meaningful and emotional events in the narrative.

I don't think the AI, when it reviewed this story, looked at it that way. It perceived Julio to be the main character and didn't understand why he was barely even in the story for long portions of it and regarded that as a weakness to the writing. It was written that way on purpose though. Peter, Woolly-Milton, and Matsuo are not just people in the main character's life... they are auxiliary protagonists. They are almost as important as the hero is in the story and have entire chapters where they act, separately or in unison, as the lead character at times.

I see this writing style as a strong point in a narrative and not as a weakness in a story.

Hmmm.... what was the second one I thought it got wrong?

Oh, it said in The Swamp that, at the end, the monsters became less scary... which translates to me as it calling my Final Boss lame. Which upsets me, somewhat. My final boss is lame?

It wasn't a lame final boss in that one! If I remember clearly, the hot swamp monster who is pretty sexy for a fish monster, sheds its alluring facade and shows its real ugly form after it gets salty chips thrown at it... and then Reggie friggin' Power Slams it like he's Ron friggin' Simmons! That's not a lame final boss fight! Give me a break... that critique is unfounded. What a silly and unfounded critique that is.

The final boss in The Swamp trilogy being lame? That's simply not true.

Alright, so the main thing I disagreed with... was A Spring Story seems fractured and unfinished as a novel because the parts with Julio are short according to the AI's review. That's written like that on purpose. Julio's like a Captain Tsubasa type character... it was meant that way. The other main characters are not just cannon fodder. I had a part where they compare themselves to the Ninja Turtles... I think to most readers... after that... they understand that Julio is the main character but the other characters are not just there for decoration... you know? It's sort of an ensemble cast type of story.

In the end, I think it's interesting that the AI tasked with reading and rating my stories I've written over the last twenty years could understand them, summarize them, and rate them... but... it feels very hollow what it thinks of them. Cold and hollow. It can't like a part because it made them relate to it, it can't laugh at a humorous part, it can't cry at a sad part... it really can only compare and contrast the stories to other things it is able to understand. 

I think it was cool where it compared my stories to one-another... stating something like "this one is less philosophical than the others"... it docked one story points because it felt it wasn't as philosophical as other stories of mine. That's interesting...

Still, my final thought, is it can't really "read" it can only process, compare, and contrast... which is fine and good and all... but... I don't think the AI truly grasps the art of reading and writing at this point.

It is a data processor not a reader nor a writer.

Beavis and Butthead Fan Theory

A back-search of my posts shows I wrote about Beavis and Butthead, a show I am a great fan of, as early as 2011... seems some of the first posts in this site were actually about Beavis and Butthead...

1. https://www.writingsonsubjects.com/2011/03/dear-carl-sagan-who-art-in-somewheres_52.html

(I wrote this after reading a Carl Sagan book and getting mad he was dissing my homies... there used to be a lot of links to this article actually... people liked to know this tid-bit of information... I still see this reference pop up online from time to time).

This article also sort of shows how much I've improved at writing since 2011... back then five paragraphs sandwiched in between 3 photos was what I considered an article. Now I can write way more words than that... like, way more.

2. https://www.writingsonsubjects.com/2011/10/beavis-and-butthead-are-back_68.html

This one is a more straight forward essay also from 2011.


Alright, so aside from brief mentions here-and-there over the last... fourteen years... I have not written an essay about Beavis and Butthead which means an essay about Beavis and Butthead is long overdue.

I've been watching the new season of the show lately and it's pretty good... I hope new generations of people are getting into the dynamic duo and enjoying their antics.

Alright, fellow Beavis and Butthead fans... what is my fan theory you ask? Well, it's one that may shock, dismay, and even horribly sadden many 90s chicks... and that's... hold on now... buckle up 90s chicks... my theory is that... 

Daria is dead.

Yes, the titular character of her very-own spin-off show that a generation of teenage women in the late-90s watched... is deceased. I truly believe that Daria Morgendorffer, who's whereabouts on the new Beavis and Butthead episodes are unknown... is presently confirmed to be deceased.

My theory breaks down into a few components:

1. Beavis clearly states in a 2011 episode of Beavis and Butthead... that "Daria killed herself."
(See: "Drones", 2011, the one where they mistakenly think flying drone missiles for the U.S. army is actually Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and much hyjinx ensues.)

2. Daria's 1997 spin-off show is a different animation style which suggests to me... it's only a bizarre fever-dream being had by Daria. She is probably addicted to anti-depressant pills and is all wonked-out on pharmaceuticals or something of that nature. 

The craziest part of this wild fantasy that is playing out in her mind is that this blunt annoying woman... actually has friends which makes no sense what-so-ever. Daria is so annoying, not attractive, and dumb... it is not believable, at all, that all these hip people, that appear on her show, would want to be around her for any reason. It makes no sense. She sucks... she sucks and she's really stupid.

3. People will counter that she makes two cameos in the new Beavis and Butthead shows in the 21st century... but these are not canon. In their second smash hit film "Beavis and Butthead do the Universe" she makes a cameo in the courtroom... and in a more recent episode she appears as an alien god of some sort during another courtroom like scene. 

It should be known that when Beavis and Butthead came back for the second time in 2022, the program "Rick and Morty" was the most popular cartoon show of the era. Obviously they had to compete with this show and added parody elements from "Rick and Morty" a futuristic show with multiple universes and timelines. There are presently multiple timelines in Beavis and Butthead... some shows they are teenagers, some shows they are 40 years old (I like these a lot), and in some rare shows they are smart future space guys who have ray guns and can surf the multi-verse... or something.

Look guys, Do the Universe... is NOT, repeat NOT, canon! Many a fantastical thing happen in this! It is suggested Beavis even scored with an evil astronaut chick in this film... it is a very whacky movie... it is whacky and not to be taken seriously, mmm-kay? 

Daria's cameos are only in the alternate universe that smart Beavis and smart Butthead created when they began time-travelling and phase-distorting through the unlimited multi-verses in their Rickian and Mortian modern universe. 

Therefore, this is not a good enough defense against my theory that Daria's dead. Her cameos in the movie and one show... is like when you watch Rick and Morty and stupid shit is happening and no one understands it... multi-verses, space guns... and bullshit like that.

My theory now basically hinges on whether or not Beavis is lying or mistaken when he stated that Daria killed herself. Butthead counters that she did not in fact do that but "just moved away"... but who's to be believed? Butthead always contradicts what Beavis says. N'est ce pas? Butthead telling Beavis he is wrong about something is par for the course... he always does that just to be antagonistic to Beavis. In fact, Butthead telling him he's wrong... strengthens Beavis's initial statement as being correct.

My whole theory hinges on Beavis's statement in "Drones" and I personally... believe Beavis. He wouldn't lie to us.

All things considered...

1. Beavis clearly stated she killed herself and that's why she's no longer living in Highland.

CONFIRMED.

2. Daria's 1997 TV show which was beloved by a generation of wannabe hipster chicks... is only a fever-dream she had while lying in her bed. The animation is nothing like what her life used to look like in Highland which suggests it is nothing more than a bizarre dream playing out in her mind. 

The coup-de-grace of my theory is that in this show Daria is always surrounded by hip, cool, and socially-normalized people... which is not possible to believe. Daria is boring, stupid, and the most polite way to describe her looks is probably homely. How is a person like this surrounded by hip n' cool friends all the time? It's ridiculous. This is a dream she is having... possibly as she is over-dosing on legally-obtained pharmaceutical concoctions in her bedroom. It is the only explanation.

CONFIRMED.

3. The cameos she's made are easily explained away as being part of the more Rick and Morty-esque influences the Beavis and Butthead show has taken on since it's second return to the lime-light in 2022. In these sci-fi free-for-alls where a smart version of Beavis and Butthead from 10 million years in the future are opening worm-holes, black-holes, and creating infinite versions of themselves... nothing is to be taken as canon... everything is just sci-fi mumbo-jumbo including Daria's appearances.

CONFIRMED.


I have personally stamped a "CONFIRMED" on all three of my points... which makes them confirmed.

It is confirmed now, so sorry to all those women who grew up in the 90s and looked-up to Daria as their hipster wunder-kind... who despite making no effort to be sociable and friendly somehow made tons of friends by not-caring, being boring, and saying "Whatever" a lot...

Sorry to say but... it's official...

...Daria is dead.

Diarrhea Morgendorffer
(1993 - 2011)

Rodney Movies

Well, I have to admit, I had a lot of fun writing that 90s high school video game story... and I hope anyone who found it and read it liked it too... but it's time to move on from that.

We have to move on from that fun, yet, on the longish-side story and explore new venues of thought and diction... and... whatnot. So now, my friends, amis, amigos, and freunde... let's cleanse our palettes with a palette cleansing article... like those pickled ginger things you get with sushi... and make way for new ideas and thoughts for our brains.

I was writing that story for a few months. I liked it, though, it had its moments.

Now, like Rocky of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame used to say before the show would switch to something totally unrelated and disjointed.... after coming off of that months-long story... Next...

Now, here's something that I hope you really like...

I'm going to summarize and rate every single movie that starred Rodney Dangerfield in it. Note though that this article is not going to be very long for it is just a palette cleanser and the summaries and ratings might only be a paragraph long in some cases. Please, people, please... do not dive into this thinking it will be the one end-all article to read if you are very interested in either watching or avoiding watching movies that have Rodney Dangerfield in them. I am assuring you that the summaries and ratings will be on the quick side... this will not be a dissertation-lengthed article about Rodney Dangerfield films.

Okay? Cool, good. I am happy that you understand this.

I am quite sure, by the way, that I HAVE seen every instance of Rodney in film... though if I get to a film in the IMDB list that I shall be using to remember them all and one appears that I have not in fact seen... I shall skip the entry and write N/A (non-applicable in the rating).

As for Rodney on TV? No, I shall not include them in the ranking list for there are too many instances of him on TV from Carson/Late-night to comedy specials to guest appearances... etc.

As for cameos? No, he's in A LOT of roles of that nature and it would be too many entries to add to the list.

However the list will contain the failed TV pilot turned into a one-off "tv movie" entitled "Where's Rodney?" (circa 1990) where a misguided young man can summon the spirit of the still-alive Rodney Dangerfield to give him life advice. Rodney is not a force-ghost like in Star Wars or an imaginary friend to this troubled young man who needs dating tips and stuff... this teenager can somehow summon Rodney, at will, telepathically, to ask him these questions. This one shall and will be included and given a score.

There are some miscellaneous credits he has in films from 1950 to 1979... before he was a smash-hit all-star heavy-weight comic genius. I shall not include these... it seems he was an "extra" from central casting in some things in the 50s. I don't know what these films even are or if they are worth watching just to see two more seconds of Rodney in movies.

Rodney only really became famous in the 1970s at a fairly advanced age. Rodney's real life before he was famous was horrible to say the least. He was orphaned at nine years old when his mother and sister just moved to another state during the Great Depression because they couldn't afford to take care of Rodney. He sold aluminum siding for years until, one great day in the seventies, he became HUGELY and AMAZINGLY FAMOUS.

The ratings shall be from 0 to 10... and yes both of these scores will come up. There is a perfect 10 Rodney movie as well as MULTIPLE instances of perfect zero Rodney movies...

Alright, blokes, without further ado... here are my summaries and ratings of every single movie Rodney Dangerfield has starred in (plus one obscure and strange failed TV pilot turned into a TV movie).

These shall be presented chronologically as such...

Are you ready? Okay? Get ready... here we go!


Caddyshack 

Hot damn. Looks like we're coming out of the gate, hot, with Caddyshack... an instant classic! This wasn't even supposed to be a Rodney movie. It also had Ted Knight, Bill Murray (who's very famous), C. Chase, and many others... but guess who stole the show? Rodney, that's who.

Rodney came on the movie scene like a bolt of lightning! He stole the entire show!

Portraying the rich but lacking in class golfer Al Czervic... the first Rodney movie forever solidified Rodney as being a terrific super star... but would it last? Nobody, back then, even really knew if he would thus catapult into terrific stardom or be a one-hit wonder.

Note: As if this truly is a "Rodney Movie" or not... If you look at promotional material for this film... most of the time... the top face on the promo material is Rodney. The others? Ted Knight, Bill Murray? Chevy and the dude from Roseanne? They are faded behind Rodney who is in the foreground and most visible on many covers/posters/promos.

Rating: 10/10 (Perfect)


Easy Money 

After stealing the show from Chevy n' Bill... looks like it was time to give the Big Kahuna his own lake to swim in... because those small fries were just gettin' in the way!

In this film, Rodney is paired with Joe Pesci.

I've seen this movie... but I don't remember much of it. That being said... that isn't a bad thing, necessarily, as you'll see down the line... as many Rodney movies are memorable but for the wrong reasons.

If I've seen this film and don't remember much of it ... it could not have been that bad.

Rating: 5.5/10 (Very Average)


Back to School

This film features a rich guy who wants to go back to school and get his degree but all he does is party and act the buffoon much to the chagrin of his professors.

It has lots of people in this that you'll say "Oh! It's that guy!" such as loudmouthed comedian Sam Kinison, Robert Downey Jr. of Iron Man fame, and M. Emmet Walsh.

Oh, and also, Tim Stack (Notch Johnson) is also briefly in this movie.

This movie, the best thing I can say about it... is that... it is a movie. It makes sense, is endearing at times, and works as an actual film with real actual actors and actresses in it. It is even pretty funny at some parts.

It is an above average Rodney movie!

Rating: 7/10 (Decently Above Average)


Where's Rodney?

As mentioned above, this was a TV film, which was supposed to be a pilot for a series but didn't really get off the ground. It exists in some form on the internet somewhere and it is worse than it sounds. As I explained, in the introduction, it is a show set in high school where the protagonist can communicate telepathically or somehow summon the spirit of Rodney to ask him how to do common life tasks... like help with women problems or how to pass some test or something.

It makes no sense and therefore should be stupid enough to be funny, right? Wrong!

This show not only makes no sense... but it falls short on actual Rodney scenes. He is basically summoned here and there to give the kid pointless advice and is barely even on the show. Thusly, not only does it not make sense but it also sucks and is very boring.

You probably think you want to seek it out and see how bad it is...but trust me... don't do that. It's not any good, you guys.

Rating: 1/10 (Severely Not Any Good What-so-Ever)


Rover Dangerfield

I have never seen this but if he is the voice of a cartoon dog... I assume it is possible that it could be good... but I do not know.

Rating: N/A (I've Never Seen It)


Ladybugs

Rodney wants to impress his boss by coaching his boss's daughter's soccer team... but the girls suck at soccer so very badly... so he dresses his girlfriend's son as a girl and uses him as a ringer to win a little girls soccer league and somehow this will impress his boss... I think.

Ladybugs is unique, in the sense that, it is always somehow threading an imaginary needle of being endearing but it can never quite get the thread through that endearing head. A lot of kids sports movies have this issue and most overcome it. Walter Matthau, for example, in that baseball one is an asshole guy coaching kids but it still pulls it out at the end and manages to be endearing to the viewing audience like most kids sports movies do.

Does Ladybugs ever pull the thread through at the end? I'd have to say... no.

There's parts that are endearing and make Rodney and his ringer seem like they are on the up-and-up and good people... and then there's moments where you are somewhat angry at just how awful Rodney, his female accomplice, and his ringer are. They are genuinely bad people... not rootable-for people in the least... there is no reason for him to be doing this... he is doing absolute nonsense and terrible behavior... for no reason... he is a complete moron and a total asshole person... they almost still do pull the thread through though... when he makes the nerdy girl with the dopey glasses feel not-so-ugly about herself...  it's almost back to almost being endearing to the viewer again... but in the end still fails and falls flat.

It's not so much that it tries to be endearing and fails as to why it's bad ... it's more the always-apparent blatant contrast between the endearing scenes and the absolutely stupid ones that make you wonder what the hell is wrong with Rodney (or whatever his name is here... Chet, I think)... he seems kind of like a stupid asshole guy and not a lovable guy who never gets respect that we assume he deserves.

He is dressing up a dude as a chick to win a house-league soccer championship so he can impress his stupid boss.

This, though still is an okay movie, is the beginning of the end of Rodney movies... you can see it in this one. You see the end of the era of Rodney movies happen while viewing it. You can even feel it. There's times in this movie where I stop rooting Rodney on... which is a first in the history of Rodney movies that this can happen but will be almost the norm in Rodney movies to follow.

He's not endearing anymore... he's more like just a big stupid fuck-up that should be in jail for his blatantly idiotic behavior.

I can't go over five for this one even if part of me wants to...

Rating: 4.5/10 (Under-Average but still Okay... I guess)

 

Meet Wally Sparks

Ooof... here we go. Rodney, now a talk show host, rides a horse through a rich guy's mansion, which results in Rodney breaking his leg... and for some reason gets to then live at the rich guy's house and film his show from there while he is injured.

It actually sounds sort of cool, on paper, but it doesn't come out well on the big screen.

This movie is not good... if you like bad movies, like me, and might want to check it out... don't... they are past the point where no one is rooting for Rodney anymore and are basically phoning these Rodney movies in, stampin' his face on 'em and shipping them out... and it is apparent from the get-go. Rodney is older now too and looking a bit... I dunno... in rough shape.

There's a lot of cameos in this like from briefly famous wrestler Damien Demento and from Gilbert Gottfried... which is pretty cool... but it is a very bad film... there's nothing else that can be said about this movie. It's very bad.

On a side note... I believe the name of "Wally" is somehow a homage to Wally George who was briefly incredibly famous in the Anaheim region (and possibly also Orange County). George also hosted a terribly outrageous talk show.

Rating: 4/10 (Under Average Offering)


The Godson

Oh gosh. Is it even fair to really rate Rodney in this complete mess of a movie? Yes, in an odd way, it is. This, strangely enough IS a Rodney movie... thanks to the post-production and marketing people.

Like in Caddyshack... Rodney steals the center of the promo material for this.

From the cover of the package to the artwork to promote the film... you'd think it STARRED ol' Rodney opposite Dom Deluise in a Godfather spoof... that's how they presented it in advertising and promos.

Yet, the fact of the matter is, even though he is showcased on the cover of the movie poster (or VHS box is a more likely place someone would see that artwork)... he is barely ever in this movie. This movie was a flop and a half! It probably made ALL of its money, if any at all, off of people who thought this was a Rodney movie and went to see it or rent it on video to see Rodney. 

It actually isn't a Rodney movie, at all.

You see, The Kids in the Hall were big in this era, I was a big fan of them as well, and they were getting big offers from media people after their sketch show ended. Some of them went on to SNL or to NBC sitcoms... while Kevin got his big break in a feature film! This was Kevin of the Kids in the Hall's big break... it was his movie...and it was a complete and utter disaster. 

To put it mildly... Kevin is in every frame of this movie... he is the lead actor of this movie... he was the star when they filmed this... but... when it came to finally releasing this movie he got a tiny diminutive billing on his own movie! He's buried under Rodney n' Dom... and his name is listed third in a movie he's in every frame of! Rodney is in this movie for like a few minutes. The studio must've hated how this movie turned out and just banked on the fact that Rodney's face would sell a few thousand tickets to screens and move a few VHS out of the bargain bins.

They salvaged this flop by marketing this as a Rodney Movie... but it isn't.

We've now hit a weird vein here... In the History of Rodney Movies... this is the point where Rodney movies don't even need Rodney to be in them anymore and they can still somehow release and market them as Rodney movies just by putting Rodney's face on the box. 

Rodney-less Rodney movies! What a concept!

Rating: N/A (Not a Rodney Movie just a film posing as a Rodney Movie)


My Five Wives

This is not a good movie, guys.
John Pinette is in it though! I love that guy!

Dice is in it too! He's okay too.

Rodney goes to Utah... for some reason. I really don't think much happens in this movie, honestly. I remember John Pinette is a lackey working for someone who wants to frame Rodney for some reason... I don't know.

They must have filmed this with like five thousand bucks on them... or not even... I think Utah probably paid them to make this to promote Utah or something. I know Rodney had a song he released (which I actually have somewhere) called "You Don't Have to Drink in Utah" as a public service to Utah to help its residents not be alcoholics in this era... he had some sort of deal with Utah of a public service nature, I theorize. I am almost 95% sure this would be the case. I think he had some sort of deal with the state of Utah in some manner or other and that's why this movie exists.

I think Utah paid Rodney and a production company to make a movie in Utah and if they made it there and mentioned Utah numerous times they'd give 'em like 100 grand or something for promoting the state. Rodney probably got the big purse of the Utah money, like 60K, Dice probably got 20K, Pinette and the rest of the cast got the last of the "bag" as comics say these days. They then filmed the movie on a zero dollar budget, I presume.

I don't want to give it a zero because it is a movie and John Pinette and Dice are in this so...

Rating: 0.5/10


Back by Midnight

Ooooof.... still going... still pumping out Rodney movies with an elderly Rodney now... still churning out Rodney Movies even in 2008...

How they still managed to make one last Rodney Movie after the last one is not believable but they did. 

He is a warden of a jail who lets his inmates out of prison to buy stuff to decorate the prison with, or something, and though they are incarcerated felons they, I guess, are endearing to the audience in some manner... or... whatever.

Actually it is more endearing than Ladybugs in a weird way... I could root more for these inmates wanting to steal a pool table from a mall and dragging it back to their lonely prison than I could root for Rodney and his ringer trying to put one over on an all-girls soccer league and Rodney's boss.

The head inmate of Rodney's rag-tag gang of felons is Paul Rodriguez who is actually a likeable actor. The acting is pretty good in this.

Truth be told... it's not that bad. You can watch this one and make it to the end if you tried. The inmates are cool and Gilbert Gottfried is in this one too... he has a guard dog they make poop, I think, or something. Or wait, no, the inmates get by his guard dog to rob Gilbert's mall by bringing a hot female dog to distract Gilbert's mean guard dog.

The always funny Harland Williams is in this too... he has a very very endearing scene with Phil LaMarr.

It's up there in the almost average region... I'll give it a fiver just to go out on a positive note.

Rating: 5/10 (Okay)


Anyways, I think my last short story was a little on the long side and I'm gonna write some fluff stuff in here for a while. This is the type of shit I'd write about in 2012 (back when people actually read stuff in here). This is the exact pace, style, and quality of a 2012-era article I'd write. I think I even wrote about Wally Sparks once in 2012 at one point.

So, in conclusion of this essay, I shall say... that I love these Rodney movies! Even the bad ones!

Oh and remember kids... Rodney's right about not drinking in Utah. There's plenty to do in Utah without the need to imbibe yourself with beverage.

"You don't gotta drink in Utah
You don't need that Stuff
'Cuz once you live in Utah
You'll be HIGH Enuff!"
- Rodney Dangerfield 
(See: Full Song)


One more inspiring Rodney quote...

"......aaaaaaand that's hooooooooow ugly sheeeeeeee waaaaaaaaaaaaas!"
-Rodney Dangerfield



Take her away Rodney! Take us out on a low-key number, baby, none of that funny business now, y'hear?

(Edit: I wanted to include something when I mentioned the Kids in the Hall but can't find a place to go back and shoe-horn this small tid-bit in. Basically, the name "The Kids in the Hall" this comedy group is named... was derived from something Rodney used to say. Rodney used to say if a joke failed on stage... "Ho! Oh! Those kids in the hall back there must've wrote that one!"... as if he paid some kids who couldn't get into the show some money for some of their jokes... of which... several to all of them were not worth the money.)

A Spring Story: Volume III

 ...and now, ladies and also gentlemen... for your edification and human enjoyment... here is the stunning and thrilling conclusion to our story.


Chapter 10
The Global American World Nintendo Championship!


Julio was now walking almost three hundred gruelling steps per day while holding onto the padded railing of the hospital's recovery ward. He needed to get better soon and he needed to get stronger fast because his crew, who as of now were not only very very legit but were also counting on him, badly needed him to return to school so they could be reunited.

Woolly-Milton had phoned him and told him that he put Julio's name in the school's registry for The Global American World Nintendo Championship. He explained that it was to be in three weeks... and that phone call was now more than two weeks old... it was almost time.

He told his mother, the ever-gentle Juanita who was still bringing him home-cooked food almost every single day that he was in the hospital since his bicycle accident... that even if he was still in a wheel chair... he told his mother that he wanted to leave the hospital early. He would go back to school and compete in The Global American World Nintendo Championship... even if he had to be wheeled in. His hands still worked! All he really needed was his thumbs and his brain to play Mario when it came down to it!

Peter told him that the newest member of the former Triangle of T, now the Quadrangle of T, is so good at Super Mario that he must be on some kind of terribly illegal nintendo steroids of some manner. Apparently, people from the other homeroom, Mr. Schett's homeroom, told Peter that they play Super Mario Bros. 3 all morning in homeroom... and Thor Backlund is so good at it... that it is unholy. The kid is some sort of nintendo wonder boy.

When Matsuo phones him up... he used to help him beat Dragon Warrior (or Quest depending on what region you live in) II... and he finally beat it a couple of days ago. He defeated Malroth the Master of Destruction thanks to Matsuo's clever pro-tips and expert advice. Matsuo also informed his best pal, Julio, that Woolly-Milton Regular defeated the Quadrangle at the school's friday night cookout rap battle. Julio was so proud of his friends... he needed to get better... for them.

Just then his mother, the kind-hearted and warm Juanita, entered his room holding a yellow box!

"Julio! Your cousin, Jorge, works at a warehouse now that distributes movies and video games! He found the game you wanted and bought you a copy straight from the supplier! It's the one you were so anxious to get... Super Mario Bros. 3!" said his mother while holding up a box so yellow that it could be seen from five miles away.

Super... Mario... 3?

"Mama! Thank you so much! Gracias! Put it in the machine! Put it in the machine!" implored Julio.

His mother unwrapped the plastic seal, opened the yellow box, and tried to put the game into the nintendo but never had put a nintendo cartridge into a nintendo entertainment system previously in her life.

"Like...this?" she asked Julio.

"NO! THE OTHER WAY!" implored Julio who couldn't wait to play Mario 3 and train for the The Global American World Nintendo Championship.

"Like... what? Do I have to blow in it or something like you do? Like...THIS!?" she asked putting it in upside-down now.

"No! Put it with the thing facing up!" he explained.

"Oh... like this?" she asked.

"YES! AAAAAAAAAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I HAVE ONLY THREE DAYS LEFT! I HAVE TO TRAIN ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT!" said Julio.

"..." said his mother.


To Be Continued....


Meanwhile at the local McDing's...

"Hey Grease Boy! Come on, baby! Get that grease down into the hooooooooooooole!" sung-spoke Franky with one head-phone out as he instructed Peter to empty the grease trap while slapping down some meaty burgers onto the grill.

Peter had it down to a tee. He never burned himself anymore and actually enjoyed the fresh air he got as he left the back entrance to dump the grease and vile fats into their ad-hoc grease pit near the other store's garbage.

But alas...

When his work day was over... it was too late to have any fun. Between school, eating, watching his very educational Mr. T VHS tape, sleeping, and getting that grease into that hole... Peter had no free time whatsoever. He wasn't training at Mario at all. His skills were rusty and it showed. 

One weekend when he went to Woolly-Milton's to train at nintendo with Mat n' Milt... they noticed his skills were not what they once were. The same guy who beat Turtles for the NES with barely even getting touched, one of the hardest video games on the planet, could barely even speed run world 4 in Mario 1 anymore... his skills were tarnished... Mat and Milt were both more skilled than Peter at Mario at this point... which was deeply concerning to them.

Peter only had Saturday and Sunday to train and get back into top speed running form before the event... there simply wasn't enough time to get back into shape... and he knew it. He was very likely going to be the worst member of his nintendo team for The Global American World Nintendo Championship and it chewed away at his insides, something fierce, like a flesh-eating virus.

At the rock, after work, where the older kids smoke and drank... Peter came to inform them that he was very likely going to quit McDing's so he could focus on school and video games full time.

"Guys... look..." said Peter as he approached their smoking rock next to the grease hole.

"Greasy PETE! Finally gonna drink schnapps with us after work!? WOOOOOOO!" said Carla.

"What is it, Peter?" asked Kate who in Peter's eyes was a two-winged angel from heaven in human skin.

"I...lied to you guys... I'm... not fifteen... I'm thirteen... and I can't do this grease boy stuff anymore... I need to focus on school... and... something... more important than both school and work combined," solemnly stated Peter.

"..." said Kate with eyes wide-open.

"More important than both school and work combined? Oh you must mean partying!" naively spoke Howie who did not understand the gravity of Peter's situation.

"Haha! I hear ya, Peter..." said Jimmy the fry chef.

"No... guys... The Global American World Nintendo Championship... is being held at my school... and.. I'm in it," proudly said Peter.

"Like....WHOA!" said Jimmy.

"......." said the beautiful Kate.

"You know... like... why didn't you tell us!? That's going to be broadcast on WCYX Sports! You're gonna be on TV! You're right, Peter, some things ARE more important than grease and The Global American World Nintendo Championship is definitely one of them!" exclaimed Franky.

"Peter... can we... like... go watch? Can you... like, you know.... like... get us in?" asked Carla.

"Yeah... I get ten tickets for family and friends... I can get all of you in... if you want to come watch," said Peter.

"WHOA!" said Jimmy.

"You're so cool, Greasy Petey! I love you!" said Franky.

"Uh... Kate... uh... you're coming too?" asked Peter nervously to his beautiful manager.

"Of course! I'm gonna be in the front row cheering for you!" exclaimed Kate as Peter's heart melted.

Knowing that Kate his manager, the epitome of human beauty in his eyes, was going to be watching him play Mario at his school... reinvigorated him with the will of one million champions... he proudly clenched his fists and looked up to the night sky... and accepted his fate as a champion.

Sleep deprivation, nor hunger, nor homework could crush his spirit now that he knew the most beautiful female on earth was going to watch him play video games at his school... nothing could stop him now.


To Be Continued...

The very next day at the school's top secret Mario Lab in Mr. Schett's homeroom the Quadrangle was assembled to train at Mario even on Saturday....

"We have to play this shit on Saturday too!? What the fuck, Mr. Schett!?" exclaimed Thor in a booming monotone voice.

"The tournament's in three days, you MERCENARY, now keep practising the third Mario while I read the official rules handed to me from the nintendo commitee..." connived Mr. Schett. 

Mr. Schett rummaged through his fat desk that was full of chocolate bar wrappers, beef jerky wrappers, and all kinds of cool stuff he confiscated from students over the semester... he passed by the Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles for the NES manual he confiscated from Julio all that time ago...

"To think, I used to curse nintendo as being a product from the Devil himself to ruin my students brains... now... I have become the greatest nintendo coach in history... go figure," said the stupid fat man.

He found the rules inside his messy desk, while the Quadrangle trained at Mario, he opened up the rules and read them.

"Teams of three or four may compete. Okay, that's simple enough, this nintendo stuff sounds easy," read Mr. Schett.

"One member of each team will play one of the stellar Super Mario Bros. entertainment video games and are allowed one substitute in the case that a member can't compete or can't succeed. This substitution is a one-time option only... once used the substitute cannot be used again in a later round. One sub? Hmmm.... that leads to all sorts of training options... we can train someone just to play one part and sub-in when the time comes...." schemed the fat man.

"Thor! Which game is giving you guys the most trouble?" asked Mr. Schett to his trusted mercenary.

"I'm cruising along Mario 3, Trent is doing pretty okay at Mario 2... everyone is having trouble at World 8 in Mario 1... especially Troy..." explained the ringer Thor.

"...." said Troy.

"I see... as your brilliant Mario coach... I think we'll only make Tex play World 8 in Mario 1 until he has mastered it. He will sub-in for Troy when he reaches Mario 1 World 8... like a give-and-go when they play soccer. Trent will play Mario 2... and of course... my precious mercenary shall play Mario 3..." explained, Mr. Schett, the dastardly teacher.

"I have to play World 8 all day, all weekend, I...I... I was supposed to go to the Shake n' Rib shack with my folks tommorow!" whined Tex.

"You can't!" countered Mr. Schett.

"...." said Troy.

"When did nintendo become so hard? I still remember when... not-so-long-ago, there was a time when nintendo was fun..." wistfully thought Trent as he stared at the ceiling after beating Wart in Mario 2 for the 10th straight time that day.


Meanwhile at Woolly-Milton Regular's...

Milt n' Mat were getting their final training regimens in before the tournament. They were also reading the rule book provided by the nintendo committee.

"The team that wins the most rounds will win. The rounds are Super Mario Bros. 1, Super Mario Bros. 2, and Super Mario Bros. 3... the rules say we each play a Mario and we can have one substitute if something goes wrong..." read Woolly-Milton.

"What could go wrong while playing video games?" asked Matsuo.

"I dunno... people can get tired or maybe they have to go pee... I guess," guessed Woolly-Milton.

"Hmmm... I suggest you play Mario 2 for you have equalled or surpassed my ability at the game. I shall play Mario 1... that way we are hopeful to take two rounds right off the bat. If myself and yourself win Mario 1 and Mario 2... we shall still win the entire event... as for the mysterious Mario 3 we will just forfeit the round... and still walk away victorious... Woolly-san," suggested Matsuo, who at this point, unfortunately was not even factoring the awol Peter into the equation of his divine stratagems.

"Hmmm.... okay... so you keep training at One... stop doing Two... I'll stick to Two... and... yeah, that's the best course of action, Funk, we'll get the job done at One n' Two and just let them take Three... in the end we'll win two rounds to one... and take home the gold!" shouted the ever-confident Woolly-Milton Regular.


Meanwhile at the Hospital...

Julio had just finished his walking session. For the first time since his accident... he walked 500 steps continuously and didn't hold onto the padded railing for the last fifty!

"Julio, your mother... told me that we need to book an adaptive transportation service for you on Monday... she told me that you..." started the sweet Nurse Kimberly with tears beginning in her eyes as she spoke because she was so proud at how much progress Julio has made in such a short time.

"I know... there's something I must do on Monday... Nurse Kimberly...." proudly stated Julio as he wiped the sweat from his brow as he sat back down in his wheel-chair.

"She told me you are playing in the The Global American World Nintendo Championship!" exclaimed the nurturing Nurse Kimberly as she threw her arms around Julio and hugged him.

"I am. I am... even if I can't fully walk again, yet, I need to go play in it... because my friends... they need me," said Julio through sweat and tear.


To Be Continued.....


Chapter 11
Round 1: Matsuo vs. Troy
Intro Music: Spartan X 


The next three days went by without a sound nor sight of interest. Everyone just trained at Mario. When the day of the big tournament came, the school day went by without problem, like a gentle calm before a wild storm.

When Mat and Milt's mothers dropped them off and wished them luck they were in shock when they looked around... the soccer field had been transformed into an outdoor arena... and there were officials, security guards, and reporters of all stripes running around setting up cameras and other expensive-looking equipment.

"How many people are they expecting?" asked one suited official maybe a big-wig fat-cat TV producer of some variety.

"Over five thousand... they sold all the tickets a week ago already..." answered a female official.

They saw the Quadrangle already being interviewed by a female reporter...

"Your team is the favorite, are you confident you can play Super Mario for the great Nintendo Entertainment System available at all major retailers currently at an extremely reasonable price tag... under this much pressure?" she asked while pointing a microphone to Tex's face.

"Oh... I love the pressure. I love it," answered Tex douchebaggingly.

"Yeah... we do better under pressure unlike that loser Woolly-Milton and his evil little Chinese friend," said Troy.

"You guys sure do have quite the large following at such a young age, as over five thousand fans have gathered to watch you young video gamers show your skills to the world," said the reporter.

"Yeah," said Thor emotionlessly. 

"Now take it away Jimmy and Scott," she said pointing a table set up near the soccer field.

Mat n' Milt walked by the announce table and the reporter to try and get to where they were told to present their player's pass to... it was so crowded and no one knew or even cared who they were. They assumed the principal just told the news people that the Quadrangle was important and the other team was not. No one cared to even look at them as they made their way to the center of the soccer field.

"I'll be your corner man for Mario 1, Funk, if these people start booing us or some shit... I have your back... I'll root for you from your corner even if I'm the only one," encouragingly stated Woolly-Milton.

They presented their passes to security and were escorted to the playing area.

Their parents, Mr. and Mrs. Regular as well as Mrs. Fujiwarahito sat in the area for family and friends next to the stage.

"Hi, Mrs. Fujiwarahito... I am Milton's father... I came as fast as I could from work... I wouldn't miss this for the world...your son and my son are very close friends. I hope they can play well," said Mr. Regular.

"Thank you... your son is a very honorable and respectful young man... my son says he always stands up to injustice of all forms and aligns himself with other just people," gratefully stated Mrs. Fujiwarahito.

"Arigato gozaimasu, Mrs. Fujiwarahito-san," said Mrs. Regular.

"You learned some Japanese? I am very impressed but please call me Saeko," replied the gentle Saeko.

Just then a group of rambunctious teenagers arrived and sat in the family and friends section of the fair grounds. It was Peter's friends from work but missing was Franky, who drew the smallest straw, and who stayed behind to do the late shift or they'd get in trouble.

"Hello! We're Peter's friends from work!" said Carla.

"Hello... um... have any of you seen Peter? Um.... he didn't come in my wife's car with my son and Funky Mat..." asked Mr. Regular.

"He was helping Franky when we left... he said he'd do one more hour helping him in the kitchen before coming here... he felt bad for Franky having to work all alone, I guess," said Howie.

"That was three hours ago, though..." worryingly said Kate.

"He hasn't been over to play Mario at our house with the other boys in a long time. I'm worried... poor Julio's in the hospital and Peter isn't here... their team will lose by forfeit at this rate... Woolly'll be so sad..." sadly stated Mrs. Regular.

"Milton told me this might happen. That's why he trained at Two and Funky Mat trained at One... if they can take two rounds and forfeit the last... they can still win," said Mr. Regular.

"...." worryingly said Mrs. Fujiwarahito as she looked into the night's sky.

The announcers thus began speaking over the loud speaker...

"Welcome, America, to the first ever Global American World Nintendo Championship! I'm your host Jimmy Williams and I'm joined by my long-time colleague and close-personal friend Scott Belvedere. We will be your eyes and ears on the scene for the next few hours as we present to you a Mario Meltdown, a Mario Overload... and a happening... it will be a happening!" stated Jimmy.

"That it will be, Jim, now let's present to you our opening contestants in round one... we will have Troy, a self-proclaimed soccer-enthusiast who, I quote, lives by the advice of his cool coach Mr. Schett who taught Troy everything he knows about Mario..." said Scott.

"I never said that!" yelled Troy in the background.

"He will be going against... Mat "Funk" Fujiwarahito... described on his registration as... 'a clever and funky brother who loves to boogie,'... alright... that should be a great match-up," said Scott the color commentator.

"You wrote that I love to boogie on my registration, Woolly-San?" asked Matsuo.

"Of course," replied Woolly-Milton with a smile on his face.

"Get up their, KID, we're LIVE!" yelled a production assistant at Matsuo.

"Oh! Yes! Arigato! Yes..." said Mat as he nervously walked to the Nintendo on stage...


Meanwhile at the Hospital...

"Where is the adaptive transport!? I told them to be here an HOUR ago!" complained Juanita.

"...." worried Julio.

"They're outside! Come on Julio!" exclaimed Nurse Kimberly.

"Nurse Kimberly... can you come to? You've helped me so much... I need you there to cheer for me while I play... please?" pleaded Julio to the gentle nurse who helped him re-learn to walk once anew.

"Of course I'll come watch... but hurry... we have to get you down the elevator right away!" said Nurse Kimberly as she guided Julio's wheel chair to the elevator.


Meanwhile at the Hole near the Rock at McDing's...

"You're really gonna wimp-out!? You're really gonna chicken out!? You're really not gonna go!? Peter! WHAT THE FUCK!?" cried Franky the burger cook with tears pouring out of his eyes.


To Be Continued...


"Alright, welcome back from the commercial break, back to this grand event, The Global American World Nintendo Championship! We are live and you are joining us in progress. Our contestants are both at their respective nintendo entertainment systems, available at all major retailers near you. This event is brought to you by Nintendo, Bigfoot's Pizza, and Dave's Transfer Van Lines! Well, Scott, you're no stranger to nintendo, who is your pick to click in round numero uno?" said Jimmy the announcer.

"You got me, Jim, I mean... I've covered sports in this city for twenty-some-odd years now and this is my first nintendo event. I will have to go with Troy... I mean the kid has something special about him. The other kid in the A's shirt and Mets cap... looks like a fish-out-of-water... like a mess... like a kid who just couldn't be any good at all at something as difficult as nintendo," said Scott the color commentator.

"Let's get a feed on that kid... see what he's all about... before they start," said one of the production people in the booth.

A female reporter walked up to Matsuo...

"Mat, or Funk, you seem like you are from the orient or some mysterious foreign land... have you ever seen a nintendo entertainment system before... let alone ever played one?" asked the unknowledgeable female reporter with a big over-exagerated smile on her face and with a big poofy helmet-on-her-head Mary Hart style hairdo.

"Um...excuse... me... I am Japanese. I hail from Japan the birthplace of Nintendo. I grew up three blocks away from Nintendo's corporate headquarters. I have passed by it on my bicycle on the way to school numerous if not a myriad of times. I have played nintendo since it was released in 1983 in my home country. I think I shall be able to handle it, thank you very much," replied the polite yet confident Matsuo.

The crowd, all five thousand of them, started to cheer and to shout positively after hearing Matsuo's opening statements.

"YEAH! GET 'EM! FUNK! TAKE DOWN THE QUADRANGLE!" shouted the boy with bushy eye-brows as he stood on his folding chair.

"Gambatte! Gambatte! Gambatte Matsuo!" cheered his mother from the stands.

The entire crowd cheered for Matsuo like an untamed mob! The crowd was going wild! They wanted to see him take down the Quadrangle for no one in town liked them anymore!

"You seem to have, a lot, of supporters out here tonight, Mat... uhhhh..." said the perplexed reporter as her helmet-of-hair began to sweat and become dishevelled due to the immense noise from the out-of-control crowd.

"Yes. I've witnessed this previously, this phenomenon, at the Friday night school cook out as well... when Woolly-san defeated the Quadrangle at a highly ceremonious rap battle. The student body, my fellow students, were in our favor and offered us support, then, similar to this reaction that you see and hear with your eyes and ears, right now. It is exactly as my close friend and ally, Peter-san, said..." began Matsuo.

"...and what's that?" asked the now very interested reporter who's hair had been re-set by a crew member while Matsuo spoke.

"...the tides have turned," coolly and matter-of-factly spoke Matsuo into the microphone to the school and to the world watching at home.

"..." said the speechless reporter at the ominous line he spoketh as she turned around to see the masses, the people, all five thousand of them cheering for Matsuo.

"I believe your line, Miss Reporter-san, should be something like, 'and back to you Jim...', or something of that nature. We are live, apparently, they have told me," said the calm and collected funky brother Matsuo Fujiwarahito.

"Yes, uh... and back to you, Jim!" said the reporter.

The crowd was roaring like a lion! It was truly amazing. Matsuo's mother, the kind, caring, and ever-gentle Saeko could not believe this reaction as she looked around with tears in both of her eyes out of pride for her honorable son.

"Wow! These people are going nuts out here! All this over some nintendo!? This is amazing!" exclaimed the astonished Mr. Regular.

"This is a lot of pressure... I hope my Woolly can handle it," said the nervous Mrs. Regular.

"I'm sure he can, Mrs. Regular-san. By the way, this word Woolly, it is like a sheep's wool? It is not a common American name," said Mrs. Fujiwarahito as she implied to find out the meaning of Woolly-Milton's name.

"Well, yeah, but... it's not why he's named Woolly-Milton. I wanted to name him Milton after my father... but..." began Mr. Regular.

"...I hated that name. His father was a good man, a military man, who served in the war... but... that name Milton... it wasn't what I wanted to call my son," continued Mrs. Regular.

"Hmmm... she was young and more naive back then, Saeko, and..." started Mr. Regular as he began shaking his head.

"...I liked that song that used to go Woolly! Bully! Woolly! Bully! In the end, we settled on not naming him Milton... but... Woolly-Milton. He calls him Milton... while I call my baby Woolly," finished Mrs. Regular.

"..." said Saeko Fujiwarahito.

"He's right... I was young... and a little whackier back in those times..." admitted Mrs. Regular.

"Anyways... GO MILTON!" cheered Mr. Regular.

"GO GET 'EM, WOOLLY! WOOLLY!" cheered Mrs. Regular.

"GO FIGHT, WOOLLY-SAN! GAMBATTE, GAMBATTE MILTON!" cheered Saeko.

Next to the Regulars and Saeko were Peter's work friends who were now very worried. The ever-beautiful Kate, Peter's manager, had left to go find a pay phone to call McDing's. After walking for a while around the school grounds she finally found one.

Kate put her root beer can on top of the pay phone, dug around her pocket for a quarter, she found a shaved-slug quarter in her pocket that Howie gave her to save twenty-five cents on phone calls, she inserted the fake quarter into the pay phone... and called up McDing's.

After, twenty-fve rings, Franky finally answered the call!

"Yo! What!? I'm busy in here! Jimmy if this is you messing with me, man! I'm on cash, burgs, fries, and I still have to mop n' close! WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" yelled Franky into the phone.

"Franky!? Where's Peter?" asked Kate frantically.

"Grease boy!? He chickened out, Kate. He's out by the fat hole... puking his little brains out! He's lost all nerves and is literally freakin' and wigging the fuck out right now!" explained Franky of this bizarre situation to his manager Kate.

"Oh no... Peter... oh no... please find him... let me talk to him... Franky... there's thousands of people here cheering for him and his friends. I can't even believe how insane this is! He wouldn't believe this if he saw it... please let me talk to him... PLEASE," pleaded Kate to Franky.

Kate explained the situation on her end to Franky who then ran out back and began shouting at Peter who was over the fat hole, mid-puke, to try and convince him to snap out of his nervous breakdown.

"PETER! Kate's on the phone asking for you... she says... uh... the Regulars and Saeko Fujiwarahito are asking where you are!" proclaimed Franky.

"...Kate?" said Peter who instantly stopped puking as he heard that name, the sweetest and most beautiful sounding name on earth and in the entire universe.

"YES! KATE! YOU GREASY LITTLE FUCKING STUPID ASSHOLE!" said the uncouth Franky who was prone to foul language.

Peter wiped his mouth and put the wooden pallet back on the vile fat hole and ran to answer the phone. He stopped wigging and whining and put on a suave cool-guy voice to answer the greasy McDing's phone.

"Uh, yo, uh, Kate... like... you know... like... what's up? Everything okay, my manager?" asked the dopey Peter.

"NO! NOTHING IS OKAY! THERE'S THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE BEHIND US! WE'RE IN THE FRONT ROW! THERE'S THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE CHEERING FOR YOUR TEAM! WOOLLY-MILTON AND MAT! THEY CALL HIM THE FUNKY BROTHER! PEOPLE ARE YELLING... FUNK, FUNK, FUNK! THIS IS INSANE! JIMMY AND CARLA PRE-DRANK BEFORE COMING AND SAY THIS IS WILDER THAN THE GUNS AND ROSES CONCERT THEY WENT TO! IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, OUT OF ACTUAL FUCKING CONTROL OVER HERE! WHERE ARE YOU, PETER!?" asked Kate.

"Uhhh... I'm helping Franky close... we had a lot of customers and stuff," lied Peter who was actually freaking out and puking in a hole thirty seconds prior to answering this phone call.

"Peter! Just tell Watch Guy to fill in and close the cashes and lock up for you guys! FUCK!" swore Kate into the phone as she gave Peter his latest orders as his manager.

"Watch Guy? He...works?" asked Peter, barely even remembering, Watch Guy was there... probably in the back room playing solitaire.

Franky over-hearing the phone call ran into the back room and found Watch Guy.

"Yo! Watch Guy! Can you close for us? We gotta go! Thanks, WG!" said Franky.

"Okay... no problem," answered Watch Guy.

"Okay... Kate... uh... my friend... uh... I mean... my manager... uh.... I mean my manager friend... I mean," stammered the stuttering love-sick Peter.

"UGH! Peter! Just get over here! No-duh-HICKEY! Tell Franky to bring you here on his motorcycle! Woolly's dad is telling Funk's mom that, like, if you and this other kid, Julio, don't show up... your team will lose by forfeit. There's a crowd of people cheering you guys on like you're in the fucking olympics or some shit! Get on Franky's hog and get your ass down here... right now," implored his manager Kate.

"Okay... I will," said Peter with renewed confidence and strength in his chest.

As Watch Guy began taking the last orders from the straglagging customers not-even-aware it was almost closing time... Franky and Peter skeddadled out the back door and ran to Franky's motorcycle. 

"Franky... is it safe to go two on this thing? Is it fast enough to get us there in time?" nervously asked Peter.

"Greasy Petey... looky-here... this fucking bike is... systematic! It is Hyyyydroooo-matic! This fucking motorcycle is... ultra-fucking-matic! Why!? This mother fucker is... GREASED fucking LIGHTNING!" proclaimed Franky as he threw Peter a helmet, jumped on the bike, and revved it up!

"VROOOM! VRRRRRM! VROOOOOOOOOOOM!" replied the motorcycle as he revved!

"Wait... I gotta change first. I can't go in my McDing's uniform," protested Peter who was covered in grease and fat.

"No time! Here take my leather jacket, baby, it'll cover up those grease rags on your skin, baby! Now come on! We gotta get you to the The Global American World Nintendo Championship!" instructed Franky the burger chef.

"Gotcha!" said Peter.


To Be Continued...



"Let's wish a warm and meaningful Welcome Back to our home-viewing audience from that entertaining and informative commercial break... now both our contestants, the affable Troy and the beloved-by-his-comrades Mat... shall be going head to head in... Mario One!" explained Jimmy the announcer.

"First off will be World 1-1, a simple level, my notes say to expect the players to power up early to avoid damage-dealing-in-death. Pitfalls are a concern as falling into a pitfall will result in losing a man or life. The player who beats Bowser and rescues the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom the fastest shall be the winner," explained Scott the color commentator.

The crowd was cheering loudly as both youths approached their respective consoles. They were chanting "FUNK, FUNK, FUNK," in support of Matsuo.

"Gambatte!" said Saeko passionately.

...and they were OFF! Troy vs. Mat at Super Mario Bros. 1! They both came out of the gate like wildebeests of speed. Both jumped over the first goombah and hit the block to get the first mushroom... and hopefully the last mushroom they'd need before the end of the game. They were both highly trained at this point, both playing this game everyday for weeks now, and it showed. The crowd stopped cheering and sat in respective awe. They were watching it like it was now a violin recital... a display of immaculate skill, concentration, and passion. They watched in reverence as both players finished the first level of Mario One almost at the exact same time.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Several fireworks went off as they both jumped off the flag pole and entered the first dungeon.

"Why is the foreign exchange student so good at this, too?" asked the uncompromising and condescending Mrs. Dongyschotts from her private viewing area where she was sipping wine slowly.

"Hmmm... this is bad... the last thing we need is a youth oriented rebellion... on live television!" worried Principal Dorksmund.

"This revolution... will not be televised, my friend... trust me. I trained these kids at nintendo myself. They can't lose. The student uprising shall be quelled on live broadcast cable television... for the world to see. The whole world shall watch their misguided rebellion fail," assured Mr. Schett to his principal.

 "Good," said Principal Dorksmund as he sipped his light rosé and sinisterly smiled.

While level 2 loaded up on the screen... Matsuo made a small Shinto prayer with his two hands together... he asked God to not forsake his enemy but for that God must accept the fact that for the foreseeable future... Troy was now his enemy... and acknowledged God as such. He asked God to give both he and his enemy... strength.

The next level, 1-2 went easily... both knew where the warp was and hit the jump over the end of the level like it was nothing but common knowledge to skip to World 4 from here. Any kid who had a subscription to Nintendo Power magazine knew about these warps by now... and no one was surprised when both players warped.

"Nice warp," said Scott.

"Indeed, both players getting that warp with ease," agreed Jimmy.

Matsuo hit World 4, hard, and just like he did on the soccer field... he began to display why Woolly called him the Funk. He was running over the level like a man possessed... he shimmy and shook the controller and thusly Mario... as he jumped and ducked under the terrible spiked-eggs Lakitu threw from his cloud high atop the level...and took a commanding lead in 4-1 over Troy!

"That's it! Go! Go! Go Funk! Go!" yelled his corner-man Woolly-Milton who was cheering as loudly as the crowd was.

Matsuo hit the secret tube of 4-1, Big, but wanted Fire for Bowser... he ran and duck-jump-slid under the block above the tube and wiggled out the back and went back into the pipe.. flawlessly.

"I didn't even know you could get that block when you're big," said the amazed Jimmy, the one who works at McDing's with Peter, not to be confused with the announcer who is also named Jimmy.

"Shit," said Tex from Troy's corner.

"You're still taking over at World 8... even if it's a blowout. Funk might die by accident and we can still use you to blow past eight and seal it back up," said Thor.

"I know, but... hey... don't call him Funk! He's not even that funky! He's a stupid butthole-brain!" countered Tex.

"Whatever, I have nothing personal against him like you twerps do, I think he's great at nintendo... now, take your track jacket off... get ready to go in soon!" shouted the angry Thor his voice like bolts from heaven... an angry heaven.

"Getting Fire with ease for Funky Mat... nice hook around the block... got that fire-flower for Mario without missing a beat or a second," said Jimmy the announcer.

"Great job!" congratulated Scott on Matsuo's fine gamesmanship.

Matsuo was now entering 4-2...

"Next warp is coming up," explained Howie to the McDing's crew.

"Really?" asked Kate who wasn't talented at video games.

"Yeah... it's in the beanstalk block... you'll see," replied Howie.

Level, 4-2, went off without a hitch for both players... but Matsuo was much better at this game than Troy was... he trained harder, like a samurai at it, and it showed... Matsuo was almost at the beanstalk block while Troy was just beginning 4-2. The lead was pronounced at this juncture of the match.

Troy hit the middle block in the bottom right set of mystery blocks before the elevator jump before the beanstalk block... to get Fire for Bowser. They were now... both playing with Fire.

"Nice power-pick-up by Troy, hittin' that middle block for the fire flower... he also didn't waste very much time achieving fire-power for Bowser," announced Jimmy.

"It's a great place to get that fire-flower and fire-power to light up Bowser... he wasn't as technically proficient at getting a fire-flower as Funky Mat was... but still... an acceptable fire-flower pick-up by Troy who is not far behind Mat in 4-2," commentated Scott.

Mat came off the orange perforated elevator and hit the beanstalk block with ease!

"Great hit on the beanstalk block by Mat," said Scott.

Meanwhile, Troy clumsily hit the bricks under the beanstalk block and then had to duck-jump under the mystery block to get the beanstalk to sprout, like a damned buffoon, which ate up another three to four seconds... and put him even further behind.

"Great going! Nice Nintendo! Go Mat!" said Mrs. Regular.

Matsuo ran under the coins on the mushroom sky area the beanstalk led to. Not being a man of greed, he didn't even look at the golden coins... seeing them only as an obstacle. Whilst, Troy, when he finally got to that area picked up all the coins... due to his innate greed... and lost another two seconds to Mat.

"Mat's a man of honor... he cares not for coin nor lucre," quietly nodded Woolly-Milton in respect for his best pal.

World Eight...

"Time!" yelled the monotone Thor.

Thor, the Quadrangle's acting unofficial team captain, called for a break in play. Tex ran up onto the stage to relieve Troy of his duties...

"What's going on?" asked Kate from the family and friends seating area.

"They are allowed one substitution the rule book says... I guess they want to get their fourth guy a chance to play. It won't make a difference anyways... Funk is too good at this nintendo stuff," explained Mr. Regular who had read the rule book Woolly-Milton received while brushing off the situation with his right hand as if it mattered not.

"Oh," said Kate.

"Mat keep playing! You don't have to pause if they do!" informed Woolly-Milton.

"Aye! Woolly-san!" agreed Matsuo as he began level 8-1.

Just then! As Tex approached to take over, he passed Matsuo along the way... and... shoulder tackled him... like they were playing soccer!

"What in the hell!?" yelled Mrs. Regular.

The crowd booed and went insane like never before! They could not believe what they had just witnessed before their very own eyes! People were so outraged that they commenced throwing garbage at Tex! They were throwing hot-dog wrappers, soda cans, and drink cups at the redneck who slammed into the poor unsuspecting Matsuo!

"Oh no..." said Matsuo as he looked up at his screen... his Mario had fallen into a pitfall... he lost a life and Fire power.

"Objection! Objection your honor!" yelled Woolly-Milton from Matsuo's corner but it fell on deaf ears.

"What does the rule book say about bodily contact, Scott, anything?" asked the shocked announcer Jimmy from the booth.

"I read nothing about that. This is a video game competition... we weren't told anything about bodily contact amongst the contestants...it's... wow... it's... what the heck..." replied Scott.

"I told him to do that," said the evil Mr. Schett from his private viewing area as he sipped fine wine.

"Good," said Dorksmund.

The crowd was enraged, five thousand people wanted him to be banned and disqualified, but nothing like this had ever happened in this fairly new sport and no legal precedent existed for dealing with shoulder tackles. There were no yellow nor red cards in Mario! The crowd booed and booed for it was all they could do!

Tex picked up the nintendo controller and started slamming through World 8 as he had trained to do for many weeks, he didn't even remember what Worlds one through seven even looked like... he only knew how to play World 8 at this point. He was already done 8-1 while Mat was only through half of it after his respective Mario fell into a pitfall due to being shoulder tackled by Tex.

"...." said Saeko who was utterly shocked to see what her son had to endure.

"It's not right, Saeko, it is not right..." said Mrs. Regular to comfort her but to no avail.

"This is the most fucked-up shit imaginable! What the fuck!?" yelled Jimmy the fry cook not the announcer.

"They have fire for Bowser... Funk is small... this... this is bad," said Howie giving his opinion on the matter at hand.

"Where's Peter? They need him... they might lose One, right off the bat... that means they literally lose the entire thing," thought Carla out loud.

"..." replied the worried Kate. 

"Unprecedented to see actual physical contact in this event... um... seems there's nothing in the rules against it..." said Jimmy the announcer.

"No, I've been informed, both teams have been warned if any violence or future physical contact is made... the team in question shall be disqualified. It's a shame but this rule couldn't have been conceived to even have a reason to exist prior to tonight. What a shameful display..." explained Scott who had received the official mandate from the nintendo committee on the matter.

"Are you still rooting for Troy's team?" asked Jimmy.

"Heavens no, old chum, after that cowardly display of unsportsmanlike conduct... I am hereby renouncing my previous pick to click prediction and am now officially rooting for Woolly-Milton, Mat... and their mystery partners whom no one has even seen yet... Julio and Peter," explained Scott who had switched allegiances on-air for the world to see.

"My sentiments as well, my close and trusted personal friend... GO MAT! FUNK! FUNK! FUNK!" proclaimed Jimmy into the microphone.

"FUNK! FUNK! FUNK!" yelled the crowd.

"GO FUNK! GET DOWN WITH THE BOOGIE!" cheered Woolly-Milton.

Eight-one, Eight-two, Eight-three... they went by in a flurry! Matsuo had caught up and was now neck-and-neck with Tex.

"Tex still possesses the advantage even after the Funky soul-brother Mat has narrowed the gap... for Tex has Fire... while Mat lost his Fire after falling into a pitfall thanks to Tex's unsportsmanlike conduct. It will be a national shame and a national tragedy if this foul mule of a competitor, Tex, takes round one!" angrily commentated Scott.

"You're telling me, old chum, a complete travesty!" agreed Jimmy.

"Mat! You've trained at this small, big, with fire, and without! You still got this! You still got this!" encouraged Woolly-Milton.

Woolly-Milton put his hands together and shot-up a Shinto for Matsuo!

Matsu boogied through 8-4, just like he was dribbling on the soccer field! Cho Cho SAMBA! Cho Cho SAMBA! Jigezagu SAMBA! Jigezagu SAMBA!

He made it to Bowser! Matsuo back-jumped over the hammer brother and under the fire ball! He stopped-on-a-dime and then he half-jumped through Bowser's hammers and then slid underneath the monster! He hit the axe! The bridge collapsed! He did it!

"YES! YES!" yelled Mr. Regular.

"WOAH!" exclaimed Howie.

"Great going! You did it!" said Mrs. Regular. 

But when they looked at the gentle Saeko they saw her with her face in her hands... she was not cheering...

"I knew my son would do it... so I was watching the other screen the whole time... he... lost," said Saeko Fujiwarahito.

When the crowd realized this... they stopped cheering and resumed booing.

"You suck! You suck TEX!" yelled the kid with the bushy eyebrows.

"Photo finish here ladies and gentlemen but as you viewers at home have probably surmised from our camera angles and state-of-the-art split-screen presentation... you probably knew sooner than the live audience... that... indeed Tex destroyed Bowser with fireballs and saved the Princess a good full second before Mat hit the axe, destroyed the bridge, drowned Bowser in lava... and saved the Princess," announced Jimmy.

"Yes, it is official... the times are...Troy and Tex's combined time... five minutes and eighteen seconds. Mat... five minutes and nineteen seconds," sadly stated Scott.

Matsuo... lost.


To Be Continued...



Chapter 12
Round 2: Trent vs. Woolly-Milton 
Intro Music: Renegades of Funk (Cool Cover Version)

Matsuo sauntered off stage and slowly, shamefully, walked back to the staging area where there were bottles of water and towels. He placed a towel over his head, to hide his face from the crowd, and opened a bottle of generously provided mineral water.

"..." said Saeko as she watched her honorable son walk away in defeat.

The Regulars didn't know what to say... everyone was distraught... they looked to their right and saw Peter's work friends in tears. It was a terrible scene. Everyone was so sad... what they just collectively witnessed was truly a tragedy and a miscarriage of justice. This moment in human history was nothing short of a travesty of epic proportions.

The Quadrangle was celebrating and congratulating each other after their controversial win. The female reporter with the Mary Hart hairdo came over to interview them after their thrilling yet highly controversial round one victory.

"Looks like round one goes to your team, Troy and Tex, how do you boys feel about pulling out a photo finish at the end?" asked the oblivious woman who could not read the room and didn't even notice that the crowd was in shock over their dastardly cheating.

"Well, it was, like I said... we do it better under pressure. Oh yeah!" said the victor Tex with stunning levels of douchebaggery in his voice.

Trent walked over and grabbed the mic... he had the mic in his hand...

"YEAH! We did it! Now it's my turn! Woolly-Milton you may think you're a better goalie than me, which you're not, and you may think you're better at Mario Two than me, but you're not, and now it's time for me to re-dawn my purple gloves... but not to go in nets for a re-match... but to protect my thumbs and gaming fingers from getting blisters. I'm going to go NUTS on that controller! I'm about to lose my mind and go CRAZY on that controller!" proclaimed Trent to the world as he adjusted his purple goalie gloves which he claimed were now nintendo gloves.

"Those are some pretty cool gloves, Trent, you sure do look prepared," said the reporter.

"Now? Now... I'm playing with Power!" proclaimed Trent as he clapped his cool purple gloves together and made a fist with his right hand as he cut hot promos into the hard cam.

The crowd booed incessantly... they absolutely hated these guys. They still couldn't believe what they saw.

In the family and friends seating area...

"Apologies my new friends for my son's defeat... he has brought shame to our people," said the devastated Saeko.

"Saeko, no, no, no, no.... no... they cheated! The Quadrangle cheated. The crowd hates them... they are throwing whole entire styrofoam hot dogs boxes at them. They have brought shame to their people. Matsuo got back up and still almost won. There's nothing to feel bad about," comforted Mrs. Regular.

"The Quadrangle is Unforgivable..." solemnly stated Mr. Regular as she shook his head in dismay at the Quadrangle's low class behavior.

"Kate, did you talk to Franky?" asked Jimmy the fry chef.

"Yeah, he's bringing Peter here. They won't just lose by forfeit... he'll be here for round three. I promise," assuredly said Kate.

"Milton still has to win round two before we can even start thinking about round three. Damn, damn, damn. I didn't know this nintendo business was such serious business... damn... I didn't know how important to the actual fabric of society this game was. If I only knew sooner... I would have done more to help... I would've let Milton play nintendo on the bigger TV in the living room instead of the smaller one in the basement..." said Mr. Regular regretfully.

"When he wanted to stay up all night long and have a sleep over with Mat so they could train as he called it... I should've let them stay up all night long and play Mario... if I only knew how important this was... and that it was gonna be on TV... I would have even made them snacks at two in the morning... like spaghetti or something... while they played..." said Mrs. Regular regretfully.

Meanwhile, Woolly-Milton approached Matsuo who was still sitting with a towel over his head and face, in the staging area...

"No interviews, please," said Matsuo as he heard someone approaching.

"It's me, Mat... yo... it's... I can't believe it... I..." started Woolly-Milton not knowing what to say.

"My sincerest apologies for walking down a path of defeat... Woolly-San. I understand if you do not want me in your corner for your match... hopefully Peter can make it..." said Matsuo as he removed the towel from his face.

"Mat... man... what are you talking about? I need you in my corner, man. You taught me everything I know about Mario 2. I couldn't even beat World 5 before I met you. Man, I used to get smoked by Mouser before I met you. I don't even play World 5 anymore, I speed run this shit, I can beat this game in under fifteen minutes... and you taught me everything I know!" said Woolly-Milton with a tear in his right eye.

"I feel too much shame, Woolly-San, I cannot go back out there... I am truly sorry," explained Matsuo.

"If you're not going out there... than I'm not either! I can't do this without you! If you're giving up than I will too... we'll forfeit. Peter already chickened-out anyways... he knew we'd lose... and didn't even show up. What the hell were we even thinking? They got everything handed to them... we never stood a chance, Funk," sadly said Woolly-Milton Regular as he admitted defeat.

Just then he heard a familiar voice, a deep monotone one, rapping... it was Thor... rhyming the same dis-track from the cook out... but this time... on live TV... for the world to see.

"When it comes to Mario it's me who is the BEST.
Woolly-Milton Regular is worse than the REST.
They call that stupid guy Woolly-Milton REGULAR?
More like they should call him Woolly-Milton IRREGULAR!" stated Thor to America and the world with a mic in his hand, as he read what Mr. Schett told him to say off of a napkin, on live television.

"Wow! Nice rap, Thor!" exclaimed the giddy female reporter as the crowd booed like there was no tomorrow. 

"Funk... it is once again... Time," calmly, coolly, and ominously stated Woolly-Milton.

Matsuo threw the towel on the ground, finished his complimentary mineral water... and stood up, looked at Woolly-Milton, and nodded.


Meanwhile on the open road... Franky's motorcycle was gobbling up the pavement in a mad-dash to get Peter to the event...

"Vrrrrrrm.... VRRRROOOOOOOM," said the motorcycle as it careened in-between cars and sharply turned down sharp intersections while Franky sang Greased Lightnin' and other songs but got many of the words wrong from the smash hit film and stage show Grease.

"Woah, watch out for that car, Franky!" warned the nervous Peter who had never been on a motorcycle before this moment.

"I can't watch out, Petey-baby! I gotta get you to the Nintendo olympics! Kate told me the situation is out from control! People are losing actual control! They need you! Ya! Grease is the word, a word that you heard... Grease is the word... it's the word that you heaaaaard... it's a groove, it's a time, it's a place, it's an emotion! Grease!? Grease is just the waaaaay we are feeeelin'!" sang-spoked Franky.

"Grease. Man... my whole life has been grease for the last weeks or months... I don't even know how long it's been since I started sloppin' around that mop and sloppin' around that grease... that song is right... Grease IS more than just liquid lard... sometimes... I just stop and look in the big hole of vile fat that we created and see it moving, solidifying, and fermenting before my very eyes.. and... grease... grease is a feeling! It does have meaning!" said Peter as he looked at himself, looking cool, in Franky's leather jacket.

"Frankie Valli sure is a smart man...for a guy to, like, come up with lyrics like that... Frankie Valli is so cool," said Franky as he fastly turned down a road almost knocking the bike over.

"Woah!" said Peter.

"I was a grease boy for two years before I got to be a burger chef, Petey... and.. it is... it really actually is. Grease really is. Grease has emotions... Frankie Valli was right!" yelled Franky to the sky.

"He was. It's like the pink slime from Ghostbusters II!" said Peter.

"It is! It's exactly like that! Grease is like that slime that feels emotions! I used to look at the grease in my grease bucket back when I was a grease boy... and it was like a mirror... a mirror right into my soul... I felt like grease while I dumped the grease into the hole!" said Franky the former grease boy who was bonding with McDing's current grease boy.

"I know exactly what you mean!" said Peter who was getting pumped by riding on a motorcycle, bonding with a work friend, and understanding his love-hate relationship with grease thanks to the timely lyrics of Frankie Valli.

"Vrrrrooooooom!" yelled the motorcycle as it revved up down a straight away.

"Frankie Valli sang that song? That Grease song?" asked Peter while adjusting his leather threads to look cooler on himself.

"Yeah, he's so fucking cool that guy, yo once, I was in Atlantic City with my folks, they were gambling n' shit... and I went to see a show at the hotel while they were slappin' the slots. The sign said 'Valli in Concert: One Night Only'... and even as a kid... I loved the movie Grease... so I snuck in!" reminisced Franky as he propelled the motorcycle.

"You saw Frankie Valli live!?" asked the amazed Peter.

"No. I didn't. The sign only said Valli in concert..." began Franky.

"So?" asked Peter.

"Well, guess what... when I got in and the show started... I was happy I snuck in and didn't buy a ticket... because..." continued Franky.

"Because...why?" asked Peter as the motorcycle picked up speed.

"...it turned out to be Frankie's very lesserly famous fuckin' brother.... Bobby Valli," explained Franky.

"Bobby Valli!? Did he even sing any Grease stuff?" said the shocked Peter.

"No... he didn't. If I bought a ticket... I would've asked for my money back," said Franky.

"He was that bad? Bobby Valli sucked?" asked Peter.

"No, not really, he was an okay singer... but... if you advertise Valli in Concert... like... One Night Only... people are gonna just assume it's fucking Frankie, you know? Like..." said Franky.

"Yeah... I know what you mean... it's very disappointing is what it is..." said Peter who was still nervous but Franky's story helped calm his nerves and take his mind off of things.

"We're almost there, Petey-baby... hang tight!" advised Franky as he picked up speed.


To Be Continued....


"Welcome back!" said Jimmy to the home viewing audience.

"Haha! Who're you? Mr. Kotter? Welcome back, alright...hahhaha..." joked Scott in his reply.

"We are now set for round two, which will showcase Trent... the self proclaimed greatest soccer goalie in the world today who owes his life to Mr. Schett who was his soccer coach in his formative years on the field..." began Jimmy.

"No I don't!" yelled Trent from the background.

"..." said Scott looking backwards from the booth.

"Trent will go against Woolly-Milton Regular... who we presently have little to no information about... should be a real treat! Stay tuned!" announced Jimmy.

Woolly-Milton's burning inner-spirit was beginning to burn inside of himself, something fierce, after hearing the same dis-track from the cook-out against his reputation being diffused on live basic cable television by Thor. He and Mat were ready to tear the roof of this suckah!

Matsuo approached Woolly-Milton...

"Woolly-san... long ago... you adorned me with an honorific title... a courtesy name... to denote our close personal friendship..." said Matsuo very seriously as he turned to Woolly-Milton.

"Yeah, we here call it a nickname, Funk..." explained Woolly-Milton.

"It is now my turn to return the favor, Woolly-san... similar to my name... I shall adorn you with one that shall also begin with F... the nickname of... Flex!" proclaimed Matsuo as he put his hand on Woolly-Milton's right shoulder.

Woolly-Milton stood speechless with pride in his expression.

"Flex and Funk? No... we'll be Funk n' Flex!" proclaimed Woolly-Milton.

The two best friends, now known as Funk and Flex walked proudly to the stage, as soon as the crowd saw them approach and were in their line of sight... they began roaring like a lion!

"Go Woolly-Milton! You're not Irregular! You're not circular, triangular, or even rectangular! You are gonna come at 'em like a jaguar!" sang a kid from the crowd remembering his rhyme from the cookout.

"Go Woolly!" shouted his mother.

"Go Milton! shouted his father.

"Booo!" a lone boo was heard echoing through the air from the direction of Mr. Schett.

Woolly-Milton walked calmly towards the stage and asked for the microphone from the female reporter which she obliged. Woolly-Milton now had the mic in his hand... on live TV...

"Looks like the popular Woolly-Milton Regular has something to say to America and to the world, Jim," observed Scott.

"Indeed," replied Jim assessing the situation.

The crowd was standing and cheering like never before!

"At the Friday night school cook out... Mr. Schett told me something... he said that he wouldn't take it lightly if a... and I quote... a youth-oriented rebellion... were to break out because of me... well... Mr. Schett... listen..." began Woolly-Milton.

"...." sneered Mr. Schett from his private viewing area while he sipped an expensive cocktail beverage.

"I'm in a tricky situation that YOU YOURSELF CREATED!
An unnecessary dire situation which cannot even be ABATED!
You are tired, conflated, over-weighted, faded and JADED!
We are livin' in a youth-oriented rebellion that you CREATED!" rapped Woolly-Milton.

The crowd went nuts! They were about to explode! If they were indoors they would have torn the roof off of a building! Their cheers and cries pierced the skies and reached the heavens above.

"..." said the female reporter, her Mary Hart-esque hairdo once-again dishevelled from the sheer volume of the crowd.

"I am no longer Woolly-Milton Regular! Funk has adorned me with a new nickname! From today and on I shall be known as... Woolly-Milton "Flex" Regular!" announced Woolly-Milton.

"FLEX! FLEX! FLEX! FUNK AND FLEX!" chanted the crowd.

"Alright you heard him... it'll be Trent against Flex... in Super Mario Bros 2! When we return from our next commercial break and station identification!" broadcast Scott.


To Be Continued...

....and BANG! They were off like speedy wildebeests in the night!

They both fell down from the sky, Trent as Toad and Woolly-Milton as Luigi...

"He always uses Luigi," said his mother Mrs. Regular.

"Me too... he jumps real high," said Jimmy the fry chef.

World 1 was going well for both players...

"Looks like our contestants are taking two different strategies here. Trent is going to blow up the wall in the cave to get to the first Birdo while Flex is going to jump up the clouds with Luigi..." explained Jimmy the announcer.

"As an avid subscriber to Nintendo Power, like everyone in America should be, I am familiar with both methods... and either strategy is a fair one depending on how fast you can blow up the wall with the bombs or how skillfully you can jump up the clouds with a good jumping character. Even with different strategies being employed they are still neck-and-neck," explained Scott.

"Jump over the beezos! Flex-san!" encouraged Matsuo.

Woolly-Milton did as Matsuo showed him and hit 1-2, hard, he ran over the level like a man possessed! While Trent was cruising along on the magic carpet with Toad... Woolly-Milton was power jumping off of beezo's heads with Luigi! The crowd was going mental!

"Damn," said Mr. Regular.

"Shit," said Thor.

"God damnit," said Mrs. Dongyschotts.

He took a commanding lead over Trent thanks to the beezo jumps and high-power-jumping off of the ninji's head over the large mountainside!

"Excellent play by Flex Regular, true mariomanship at its finest," said Scott.

The rest of the levels went off without a hitch as his lead continued to grow... Woolly-Milton got to the warps with ease... as did Trent... by the time they were both in World 6... he took an even greater lead!

"Just like the beezos! Run and jump along the Albatosses!" shouted the encouraging Matsuo who developed this tactic only recently.

"You got it, Funk," said Woolly-Milton.

Woolly-Milton "Flex" Regular ran hard and jumped on the first Albatoss, then another, then ran off that one and landed on another! The crowd could not believe their eyes.

"Wow," said Howie.

"Damnit to hell!" said Mr. Schett.

He had a commanding lead... all he had to do was not make a mistake. He made it to Wart while Trent was still attempting to navigate his way through World 7... and by the time he loaded up the last vegetable to throw into Wart's craw... he turned to the crowd, who were going nuts, and confidently said...

"Hey, Mr. Schett... this turnip's for... you!" decreed Woolly-Milton as he threw the final turnip into Wart and won the day with ease!

The score was now 1-1... but where were Peter and Julio? Only time will tell.


To Be Continued...

Meanwhile on the Highway...

"Whooooooooooooooa! Yeaaaaah! Baby!!" yelled Franky as he burned rubber trying to get Peter to the event...

...but guess who saw him? You know who saw him driving like crazy? Sadly enough ... it was a cop.

The cop pulled the motorcycle over and preceded with the standard spiel.

"You know how fast you were going, kid?" said the cop.

"Yeah, officer, I know... but you don't get it... this kid has to play in The Global American World Nintendo Championship! I have to get him there!" complained Franky to the cop.

"Yeah right, kid, the last guy had a pregnant wife to get to... the guy before that had to deliver the nuclear codes to the president... gimme a break... that Nintendo event is sold out... you can't get in anyways. We're doing security for that," explained the cop who didn't believe Franky's excuse for speeding.

"No, it's true sir... here look," said Peter who showed the cop his player's pass.

"Hmm.... you're playing in it? Kid, why didn't you say so? My kids begged me to get them tickets for that... I had to bend an arm n' a leg. Okay, come on, I'll give you a police escort to the event," said the cop.

"Thanks, officer," said Peter.

The cop phoned in some backup and soon enough Franky's motorcycle was bypassing traffic thanks to a vanguard of police motorcycles...

As they approached the school fair grounds where the event was taking place... The crowd of five thousand saw six motocycles approaching, five of them broke ranks and left... while the remaining lone motorcycle drove right onto the field...

"It's Franky!" said Kate.

"Yeah!" said Carla.

"Hey you can't bring that on the field! Get out of here!" yelled a member of the film crew.

"It's okay... I have a player's pass... I'm Peter!" proclaimed Peter.

"PETER!?" said Woolly-Milton.

"Peter-san?" said Matsuo.

"Yeah, guys... it's me," calmly said Peter, in his cool leather jacket, as he descended from the motorcycle...


 

Chapter 13
Round 3: Thor vs. Peter Pannis
Intro Music: "Grease" (from Grease)

To Be Continued...

As Peter walked to the stage to pick up the nintendo controller... a myriad of thoughts stormed through his mind like a violent hurricane!

All the taunts, the invective, the jeering from his class mates... they all replayed in his mind's eye like a veritable out-of-control tempest. His nerves were beginning to shatter... but he knew five thousand people wanted him to beat Thor at Mario 3... and one of them... was the ever-beatiful Kate... with a face of porcelain and eyes like jewels... so he kept walking to the stage. 

He ruffled up his leather jacket which made females in the crowd scream. He was going to do this.

He thought...

I've been through so much... I still remember the day Julio asked me to come to his house to play Turtles on his NES... I will never forget that day. I took my socks off and just started pure housing that shit roller-back style and one-hopped that game right on the dang slant.

I beat Turtles while slowly sippin' on Orange Crush. Twas my style back then... but now? Who knows if I can even get through level one of this game I've never even played before.

These people used to call me Penis Face Peter and Ugly Jogging Pants Boy the boy who always wears the same jogging pants. Now they cheer for me...

Today, I stand before them, and my colleagues from work... in a cool leather jacket over a stained-with-grease McDing's uniform...

...I am no longer Peter Penis nor am I Penis Boy nor am I Poor Kid nor am I Jogging Pants Kid nor am I... Greasy Petey... for today... I am only...

...Peter.

Peter's thoughts calmed him... he looked at his friends from work as he looked back as he approached the stage.

"Go Peter!" said Kate as pretty as ever.

"Go Peter! Go!" said Howie.

"PETE! GO GET 'EM!" said Mr. Regular.

"Yo! I need something! You got a mickey on ya, Jimmy!? Anyone got anything!? I need to drank! I wanna drank like a magikist!!" bellowed Franky.

Franky was so cool, Peter thought, he didn't even know what a magikist was... but it still sounded really cool.

"Yo! Pete! Come in for a group meeting!" shouted Woolly-Milton from the corner of the stage.

"Peter!? We didn't think you'd come! Why are you on a motorcycle!? This is so cool!" wigged-out Matsuo, who had a friend in Japan who was older than him... and who does moto-cross... which is cool. Matsuo loved motorcycles.

"I... I've been working at McDing's you guys. All those clothes n' chains that I got? I got those luxurious things from money I made... bein' a grease-boy at Dings," explained Peter who while wearing a leather jacket was starting to slowly speak differently... sort of like Franky does.

"How long have you been doing that? How come you didn't tell us?" asked Woolly-Milton feeling slightly betrayed that Peter didn't trust them.

"A while... like a couple months now... time flies... I'll I've been doing is school, work, and before bed, I'm too tired to game... so I just watch that Mr. T tape you gave me on my birthday, Milt... and that's I'll I've been up to for like the last whatever amount of months," explained Peter.

"Damn," said Woolly-Milton.

"Peter, look, there is only one way you can win... please pay heed to my advice..." said Matsuo.

"Yeah..." said Peter.

"Thor, as you know, has played this game in homeroom for many weeks and knows the game... you however... do not. You must not pretend you can win..." started Matsuo.

"So let's just give up now!" yelled Woolly-Milton still mad and with lingering feelings of betrayal in his heart.

"No!" countered Peter.

Matsuo continued his brilliant stratagem...

"Now... Peter-san... you must become as of water... ever-flowing around all obstacles with ease yet with a constant-clear mind. You must also became a ninja... who shadows and observes all actions of your opponent. You do not know the game but his screen is visible to you..." continued Matsuo.

"I see where he's going with this... dang Funk... you are the man with the plan!" said Woolly-Milton.

"Thank you very much, Flex... so Peter-san... you must look at everything Thor does in Mario 3 and then like a tech-copy mechanism you must emulate every one of his actions right as he does them. Play five seconds behind him and re-create everything you see Thor do... and hopefully... when you both get to Bowser... at similar times... he will make a mistake and that five-second grace period will be closed and you can win..." explained Matsuo.

"It's crazy enough to actually work..." thought Peter out loud.

Thor was already on the stage...

"Well, Scott, the final match up is between the almighty Thor the greatest video gamer player in the whole world... going against Suave Pete... who just showed up on a friggin' motorcycle!" announced Jimmy.

"Yes... I've seen it all in this business, Jim, old chum-a-ree-noh... this final match... with the rounds all tied up at one-a-piece... should be a real happening! Thor vs. Peter at Mario Three!" said Scott.

...and they were off! Or one of them ran out of the gate like a wildebeest of speed... but one gamer, Peter, just sort of jumped up-and-down to figure out the mechanics of this new Mario game.

"What the hell is Peter doing?" asked Kate to Howie who knew a lot about nintendo.

"I... uh... I think he's never seen this game before..." answered Howie.

"Come on Greasy! Nintendo is just like our grease! It's an EMOTION! Nintendo is an EMOTION! You gotta feel it duuuuuude! Become the nintendo, baby! Ow!" cheered Franky from the stands.

He was right, Peter thought to himself, nintendo was an emotion! Peter took his shoes off!

The crowd was weirded out but still wanted him to beat the Quadrangle so they let the odd behavior slide and kept cheering.

"Oh damn! He took his shoes off! Oh shit... it's about to get real up in here!" exclaimed Woolly-Milton.

Peter watched Thor's screen and mimicked every single action like a ninja and also like water! He finished the first level about five to ten seconds behind Thor.

"What the hell are you doing, kid!?" yelled Thor to Peter.

"Being patient... that's all," explained Peter casually.

"The plan is going well... he is acting like a dang ninja or like some dang water... but he's more than five seconds behind, Funk, he's probably like seven or even ten..." worried Woolly-Milton.

"Hmmm... I've deduced this as well... the strategy is pretty sacrosanct but not without flaws, Flex-san," said Matsuo gravely. 

They both got stars at the end... as Peter deduced you have to run top speed on the P-meter to get a star at the end of the level.

"Hmm... a game of cat n' mouse is afoot here is it not, Scott, old friend?" asked Jimmy.

"Exactly, chum. He's doing whatever Thor does... almost to a level of skill that has to be seen to be believed... it's like watching the same thing happen on both screens simultaneously but ten seconds apart..." said Scott.

"The lead however is obviously in the hands of Thor," said Jimmy.

The levels went like that for a long time... World One, World Two, World Three... and even into the World with the over-sized novelty enemies known as World Four.

Until Thor had an idea to shake Peter off his tracks...

"Here blood hound... let's pause the game for a bit..." said Thor as he pressed pause.

"Fine by me..." said Peter.

What resulted was a stand-off. Neither contestant played Mario 3 for a good hot minute and a half!

"Never seen anything like this before, Scott, it's some sort of Mexican stand off!" said Jimmy.

"That it seems, Jim. That it seems..." said Scott.


Meanwhile in the front of the school an adaptive transport van had just arrived!

A wheel-chair ramp lowered itself from the van and out-rolled Julio!

"Thanks for coming along Nurse Kimberly," said the still-gentle Juanita.

"No problem... but we are very late it seems... we must get Julio down to the fair grounds..." said Nurse Kimberly.

Julio presented his player's pass to the ticket taker...

"You... you're playing in this!? Come on get to the stage! Fast!" implored the ticket taker.

"Come on, Mom! I have to be there for my crew!" exclaimed Julio.

Nurse Kimberly pushed Julio's wheel chair as fast-as-she-could while they ran towards the stage!


Meanwhile... 

Peter was still waiting with a paused game until Thor continued...

"I know what you're doing, kid! You think you can play ten seconds behind me and then wait until World 8 for me to make a mistake and then actually start playing. IT WON'T WORK! If you've never even seen World 8... you have NO CHANCE IN HELL in beating it! So give up this nonsense, NOW!" bellowed Thor with a voice like monotone thunder.

"Peter-san... the method has been spoiled... you must abort... just play your best and hope for the best. You now know the mechanics and ins-and-outs of Mario 3... you still have a chance," explained Matsuo.

Peter began playing World 4, the "big" level, and was doing okay... Thor saw he was going to play normally now... and also unpaused his game and continued. Peter now had a small lead on Thor! 

"Looks like Peter has taken the lead!" exclaimed Jimmy the announcer not the fry chef.


To Be Continued....


"He's like water... he's like a ninja..." said Woolly-Milton as he watched Peter play World 4 where the enemy sprites were comedically larger-than-normal to establish a novelty effect in game play.

"Yes, Flex-san... but he is akin to a blind man doing his karate in a dark room with no light. He is just feeling his way around the level as he plays instead of speed running them... it is only a matter of time before Thor surpasses him by a great margin," explained Matsuo.

"..." said Woolly-Milton.

"The bad guys just got BIG, eh, Jim?" said Scott.

"Oh yes! Those goombahs n' koopahs are notoriously large in World 4 in Super Mario Bros. 3 on the Nintendo Entertainment System... available at any fine department store in your area for a very modest price," said Jimmy.

Somehow, Peter, playing akin to a blind man feeling his way through a dark corridor... still managed to beat World 4! He got hit a few times but didn't die. As for his time, it was acceptable, but he had fallen behind Thor by a number of seconds.

"Great going, Peter!" yelled Kate.

Hearing his manager's voice... Peter's heart skipped a beat! He came into World 5 flying! He came into World 5 like a love-stricken wildebeest! He could not be stopped! 

Just then a group of nosy gossiping high school chicks approached Kate and the McDing's crew! It was the mean girls who used to always call Peter names! The same ones who made fun of Matsuo on his first day of school! Oh no!

"Is Peter Penis your bawfrend!? Har ha har ha!" guffawed the red head of the gang.

"...?" said Kate.

"Yeah is Jogging Pants Boy... your boooooyfrieeeeeend!?" said the mean blonde one with a deeply non-scholastic and vocally fried voice that pierced the brain.

"What in the name of fuck did you just call my Greasy Petey!?" exclaimed Franky.

"Yeah... what the fuck did you just call him... you fucking BITCH for BRAINS!" yelled Carla.

A chick-fight broke out! Oh my gosh! Peter turned back to watch... as did Thor! They both, once again, paused their games to watch the wild un-controlled melee that was ensuing in the crowd.

Carla and Kate were grabbing the mean girls by their hair and arguing with them something fierce!

"What if he IS my bawfrend!? What're you gonna do about it, WHORE!?" said Kate as she scratched a mean girl.

Security came to break it up and escort the gang of mean girls back to their designated seats before things got too out of hand. Peter looked on... thankful... that he got to pause the game and buy another few minutes and seconds of precious time.

Somewhere, deep inside of Peter's heart... he knew that if he could just simply purchase enough time and hold off Thor for as long as possible and keep his Mario alive and slowly progressing through Mario 3... that like a gentle timely rain... Julio would show up. He believed this in his soul...

"Peter! You're so cool!" yelled Kate, proud of her work colleague, who's honor she just defended in front of five thousand people.

"...thanks... Kate..." said Peter with clenched fists.  

"You can do it!" said Howie.

Peter turned and looked at Matsuo and Woolly-Milton as his heart burned with the will of ten thousand champions...

"Mat... I can't be like some water any more... I can't be a Ninja any longer! I just gotta! I just gotta! I GOTTA front-to-back-left-and-right, one-hop, roller-skate, back-door, break dance, up n' down, and beat this new game... on the slant!" exclaimed Peter.

"He's talking in his own damn language again... like he used to do... back when we used to play video games all weekend long..." said Woolly-Milton.

"The Old Peter... is back!" said Matsuo.

Peter, now invigorated like never-before thanks to his fast-food manager defending his honor in his high school... ripped World 5, the cloud level, apart! He kept neck-and-neck with Thor even though he had never even played this before! He defeated Roy Koopa with ease!

"You're good, kid... but World 8 is going to literally dis-fucking-STROY you..." explained Thor as he looked to his peripheral right as he played World 6 the Ice World.

"It might destroy me... but... it can't destroy my best friend... Julio..." said Peter, not-even-bluffing to buy time, he truly believed Julio would come save him.

Suddenly! A woman pushing a wheel-chair approached the fair grounds!

Peter stopped so suddenly and paused World 6... he could feel Julio's presence! Everyone turned to look at who it was!

"JULIO!" proclaimed Woolly-Milton.

"Julio-san!" exclaimed Matsuo.

"Julio? The kid who fell off his bike? The kid they made fun of at the cook out?" said the kid with the bushy eye-brows.

Nurse Kimberly stopped pushing the wheel chair about twenty feet from the stage...

"Peter! Keep playing! Thor is wrecking that ice level!" reminded Woolly-Milton.

"Oh ya!" said Peter as he un-paused the game.

The crowd almost instinctively began to chant...

"JULIO! JULIO! JULIO! JULIO!" chanted the crowd.

"Me and Julio dooooown by the schooooolyard!" yelled a portion of the crowd who was at the cook-out rap battle.

Julio's mother made her way to the family and friends seating area.

"Juanita!" said Mrs. Regular as she threw her arms around her. Saeko followed suit and hugged her as well.

"Your son is amazing... Milton told me when he saw him... he thought he was going to..." started Mr. Regular.

"My Julio is a fighter! The phone calls from his friends, my home-cooked meals, and his trust in God are why he is here today! He played that new Mario for DAYS, day in and night out, just to help his friends in this nintendo tournament!" explained Juanita, through tears, inside of the gentle arms of Mrs. Regular and Saeko Fujiwarahito.

"He's been playing Mario 3!?" asked Jimmy the fry chef.

"Yes, all day and all night long in the hospital... he even beat those boats and tanks... in the lava part..." said Juanita.

Thor's rabbit ears turned back, hearing mention of lava, boats, and tanks...

"He knows about eight...damn..." said Thor to himself.

Just then the dastardly Mr. Schett on orders from his superior, Principal Dorksmund, arrived in front of the stage.

"Julio is sick! He isn't medically cleared to participate! This is official orders from our Principal!" proclaimed the rotund teacher.

"Not medically cleared to participate!? Give me a break!" said Jimmy the announcer who was now wrapped up in the drama.

"There's no end to the drama here, folks," said Scott.

"Let. Him. Play," said the monotone voice of Thor on-stage.

"No! Mercenary! He isn't allowed!" countered Mr. Schett.

"..." said Thor as he paused the game and walked-off stage angrily.

"What are you doing!? He's closing the gap on the lead! Get back up there and play that damn ice level!" instructed Mr. Schett to Dorksmund's ringer.

"I am the greatest nintendo player in America and I don't want to win this by cheating! I'm not like you! I'm not like Tex! I love NINTENDO! I want to win fair and square! Here! Take this ten grand back! Take back your ten thousand dollars of dirty blood money... and shove it up your fat ass!" bellowed Thor as he pulled out a wad of bills and whipped it at Mr. Schett!

"Aaaaaaaaah!" yelled Mr. Schett as a wad of bills was thrown directly into his face like Woolly-Milton throwing the last turnip at Wart! One of the bills even went into Mr. Schett's fat mouth!

"Wow..." said Jimmy the announcer.

"Wow, indeed..." said Scott the color commentator both at a loss for words.

"They paid Thor ten thousand dollars to play in this!?" said someone from the crowd.

"He's a ringer!" yelled another voice.

Mr. Schett scurried off as fast as his stubby legs could carry him back to safety as the crowd screamed for vengeance!

Meanwhile... Peter had beaten World Six while the drama ensued behind him!



Chapter 14
Finale: World Eight

To Be Continued...


Officials and the play-by-play crew were debating the status of Julio and the principal's claim that he cannot compete due to not being medically cleared to play from a bicycle accident which recently occurred. 

"We have his name on the registration for his team... we have nothing in our rule book about needing medical clearance to participate, Jim, I mean... the kid is here and wants to play, is registered as part of this team... there's no reason he can't play," explained Scott.

"Exactly, old friend. They still have their one substitution remaining..." agreed Jim.

Peter, after beating World 6, the ice level, paused the game and left the controller on the playing podium... and slowly walked off the stage...

"Time!" said Peter while making a T with his hands.

"Sub!" yelled Woolly-Milton Regular.

There was nothing left the Principal, teachers, and school could do to stop them. The crowd was going crazy still chanting Julio's name....

Julio stood up!

"Is he going to walk!?" exclaimed Mrs. Regular.

"Yes... he takes hundreds of steps per day now... he can walk again..." said Juanita.

"He can... he really really really can..." said Nurse Kimberly through tears.

Julio took a step! Then another! Towards the playing podium like a guy possessed! He remembered the song he would match his rhythm to when he first re-learned to walk. Besos de Ceniza by Timbiriche! His mother's favorite song!

He had already made ten steps, without holding on to anything, and was ten feet away from the stage. Everyone was in shock, even Tex wouldn't even think of interfering in this moment!

"Julio!" said the crowd.

When he made it to the podium, taking twenty to thirty steps on his own, his crew ran to him to give him a cool group hug!

"Julio!" said Peter, Mat, and Woolly as they gave him a cool hug.

"I told you... I'd... be back," Schwarzeneggeringly said Julio.

They broke the hug off and Julio un-paused Mario 3.

"Looks like they have made their substitution, Scott, it is now... Thor vs. Julio the mysterious final member!" said Jimmy.

"Only Worlds 7 and 8 remain... Seven is a maze-like pipe-themed level with many many piranha plants sure to give anyone a headache... while World 8 is a lava-themed level... where Bowser's castle lies in wait..." explained Scott.

"No, the princess is another castle, in this Mario, eh?" asked Jim.

"No... all the castles contain mutated kings, terrible airships operated by Bowser's children... and adventure at all angles!" explained Scott as if it was an advertisement for Nintendo.

...and BANG! They were off coming out of their paused games heading into World 7! Julio could not be stopped. He had played Mario 3 all day and all night in the hospital for days! He lived and breathed Mario 3 at this point! He had already gotten Peter's small Mario a mushroom and a fire flower!

"Looks like Julio's playing with fire, Jim!" proudly proclaimed Scott the color commentator.

Thor had a Tanooki suit... but it was gimmick... it just made your Mario change into a statue... for some reason... and it didn't even shoot fire balls... which was silly.

They both made it to Ludwig von Koopa at similar junctures... and dispatched of the musical-based Koopa accordingly. It was on to World 8...

The crowd fell silent. They were once again feeling like they were watching a violin recital... the skill and talent displayed by Thor and Julio... was literally amazing to their eyes. They came into the laval level... hot.

As they played their way through the tanks and boats of World 8 ... the screens of both players moved at a snail's pace, locked in place, they couldn't advance the screen to speed run... they had to evade all the bullets, cannons, bad guys and fire balls! The danger was palpable... but both players powered through.

"Looks like both our contestants are playing with power, now, Jim," said Scott.

"Yes... yes they are. Nintendo Power, that is," agreed Jim.

Juanita raised her hand into the air and exclaimed...

"GO! JULIO! I LOVE YOU!" said Juanita to her son as he played Mario 3 in front of five thousand people.

"I LOVE YOU TOO... MOM!" yelled Julio back.

Julio had the positive cheering of the crowd, his mother's love, his crew's cool hug, and two other things filling his heart with pride. The other two? Love for both his nations, USA and Mexico... and the last? His trust and faith... in God.

He possessed the power of Mexico in his left hand making Mario move and the power of the USA in his right hand making Mario run and jump! He looked to the sky as he approached the dreaded Hands in World 8 and made a silent prayer to God... to help him get no hands.

"Dear God... and Dad... if you're up there... I need you guys right now... I need to get no hands..." prayed Julio to the night's sky.

Thor was already at The Hands... and caught the first hand! Oh no!

"Looks like Thor got unlucky and will have to play a small level with hammer brothers in it due to getting swallowed up by that giant hand on the Mario map..." explained Scott to the Mario layman.

When Julio got to the hands... he pointed to the sky... to God and to his father Roberto... and ran right passed them! NO HANDS!

"NO HANDS! NO HANDS FOR JULIO!" said Scott.

"WOW!" said Jim.

"..." said Thor who wasn't even through the first hand level yet.

"GO JULIO!" yelled Mr. Regular.

"GO KID! YEAH! OW! WOOOOO!" said Franky.

"HE GOT NO HANDS!" yelled Peter with glee.

"Hey guys, relax, I got this..." re-assured Julio to his friends, mother, and crowd.

"You're amazing at this game, Julio, it is a pleasure to be your opponent tonight..." said Thor.

"Thank you... gracias, Thor," said Julio.

Julio was speed running Three now... and almost at Bowser. Thor was stuck on the third hand level after bypassing the second hand.

Julio gave a shout-out to Mat next...

"Bowser, I shall soon be at you... and there's nothing personal between us... but for the next few minutes... we are enemies... and I shall have no choice but to defeat you..." said Julio in Mat's voice.

"..." said Matsuo full of pride in his friend's skill at Super Mario Bros. 3.

"Do it, J!" said Woolly-Milton.

"Thanks, Milt.. or should I say... thanks Flex!" said Julio who knew that was his new nickname after hearing the crowd chant it after Woolly-Milton beat Super Mario Bros. 2.

Soon enough, Julio was at Bowser... with fire.

"Light that lizard up, Julio!" instructed Peter.

Julio got as close as he could Bowser and unleashed 13 fire balls! BAM! BAM! BAM! Thor wasn't even at the castle yet!

"Look out Julio... Bowser is up to something! His sprite is changing animation!" advised Matsuo.

"I know, Mat, he's gonna jump now," said Julio who's already beaten this game.

Julio evaded Bowser's aerial attack! He shot him with twenty more fire balls!

"Thirty-three fire balls should be enough for his lizard brain!" exclaimed Julio as he defeated Bowser with fire balls.

"HE DID IT! HE BEAT BOWSER! IT'S OVER! JULIO... JULIO'S WON!" exclaimed Jimmy the announcer.

The crowd went from silence to uproarious applause!

 ...it was too much for Julio... who's not-yet-fully-healed legs finally gave out... he collapsed on the ground.

Woolly, Mat, n' Pete ran to help him up!

"Are you okay!?" his friends asked holding him up.

"Yeah... I just over did-it... walking without holding on to anything and beating Mario 3 in front of a screaming crowd... I over-did it, today, guys..." said Julio as his three friends escorted him back to his wheel chair with tears pouring out of their eyes.

"Julio..." started Peter.

"What is it?" asked Julio.

"I mean this from the bottom of my heart..." continued Peter.

"What?" asked Julio.

"Julio... you are the coolest kid in this fucking school!" said Peter.

"...." said Funk n' Flex with tears in their eyes.

"I know... thanks... Pete," said Julio.




THE END

























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