Great Moments in Literature 2: A Look into the Character Growth of one "Stan Gable"

In the last installment of "Great Moments in Literature" we explored the change in the "Bob Backlund" character from the WWE over the changing seasons of history.

Here: Great Moment in Literature 1

For this installment, we shall be looking into a character from the wide world of film, he is the highly interesting movie character by the name of "Stan Gable" from the Masterpiece quartet of films known as "Revenge of the Nerds."

The fictional character of "Stan Gable" was portrayed by Ted McGinley (most know him off of "Married: With Children" fame).

Glossary of Terms to be Used in Article

Nerd: A human being either male or female of high intelligence who dabbles in science and/or technological fields of expertise. Their commitment to learning has rendered them virtual shut-ins and their social skills are limited at best. They are awkward, weird, and appear highly abnormal to other non-nerd humans who observe them.

Jock: A human, ninety-nine percent of the time male, who's testosterone levels are higher than average. The Jock releases the excess hormones they produce by engaging in sporting events and fistfights. They do not care at all for Nerds and attempt to hinder the nerd and humiliate them any time they encounter one.

Self-Hating Nerd: These are nerds who feel ashamed of who they are due to the constant torment directed against them. They try to conceal their nerditude and live life behind a mask...they live in fear behind a costume they have created for themselves. They hide from their own selves.


Pre-Am-BuLation

We shall present Stan Gable's character over the course of four Revenge of the Nerds masterpiece films. The sections shall be broken into, (A) synopsis of film, (B) a brief thought about how good or not good the music portion of the film was, (C) a rating from 0 to 5 "stars" to denote how good the overall film was, and (D) a look into the Stan Gable character and its role in the film.

We shall conclude with an assessment of the Stan Gable character's overall transformation from the first to the last of the RotN films.

Yes, yes.


Revenge of the Nerds!

Let's get started,

1. Revenge of the Nerds

Synopsis: Two bestest of pals head off to college together with their hopes and dreams as high as the sky. Trouble is, they are nerds and what's waiting for them at college is not what they hoped for. The sports teams get all the funding and accolades whilst the smart students are ridiculed and tormented. The Jocks who persecute the nerds are led by the likes of the quarterback of the football team (portrayed by Ted McGinley), the coach of the football team (played by John Goodman), and the biggest dumbest man on the football team referred to as The Ogre (portrayed by the loveable Donald Gibb). Can the nerds band together and stand strong? Or will their persecution never ever end?



Musical Portion: The nerds bust into the talent contest with this number (and IT'S TOTALLY AWESOME...I can still recite every word of this song on command and verbatim)...

YEAH

Film Quality: 5 Stars

On the verge of tears...of defeat.

Stan Gable's Role: Stan Gable is the head villain in the film who leads the charge for the jock forces. He aims to not only make life difficult for the nerds but to destroy them. He is the anti-nerd, the complete polar opposite of what a nerd is. Nerds are his natural-born enemies and he despises every last one of them with every bone in his body. 

Once the nerds assemble and begin to resist the jocks aggressions and incursions into their territories...the tables are turned on Gable and he and his jocks must brace themselves for the end-all battle at the talent show. 

Gable's elite jock contingent, in the final hours, cannot withstand the unified forces of the nerds, the moos, and the Bernie Casey led Tri-Lambdas...who defeat the Jocks and leave Stan Gable shattered, broken, and in tears. Stan Gable was utterly defeated by his sworn enemies with the final insult being the head nerd making passionate love to his girlfriend. (Nerds: 1 Jocks: 0)

2. Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise

Synopsis: The Nerds, now a unified fighting force assembled under the Tri-Lambda banner, are invited down to beautiful Fort Lauderdale, Florida to represent their fraternity in the National frat convention. Trouble is...the Jocks flying the Alpha Beta frat banner (though weakened in strength and numbers from the previous film) have been invited to the convention as well. 

Are Nerds and Jocks destined to clash heads once more? Can the nerds cope a second time around...or will all gains made in the first battle be lost?

The battlegrounds may be the sandy beaches of Florida this time around...but the passions of the combatants will not be lowered due to the beautiful relaxing atmosphere. A boiling point is brewing in the Jock/Nerd WAR!

Musical Portion: A little rap thing. It's nothing to write home about.

Film Quality: 4 Stars

Stan Gable's Role: Gable is now a man hell-bent on revenge. He suffered the most humiliating of defeats in the first Jock/Nerd battle and his pride thirsts for the most coldest of vengeance and his heart burns with the hottest of rage.

Stan Gable is not a man who admits defeat easily and sends his well prepared Alpha Betas into the Floridian battlegrounds with all his bases covered. Never a stranger to devious schemes and now a master of the 36 divine stratagems of war...Gable is confident he will put the grimy nerds back in their place. Not wanting to cast himself directly onto the front lines and jeopardize the plan he works covertly behind the scenes...and entrusts the mission in the hands of Vice-Jock Bradley Whitford (the bad guy from Billy Madison) and The Ogre.

His ultimate plan succeeds in entrapping the Nerds on a deserted island...where he leaves them to die. Yet, the plan comes awry as the Jocks make a critical error of backstabbing The Ogre in the back when they felt The Ogre was of no more use to them.

The Ogre, after smoking loads of marijuana cigarettes with the nerds, befriends them and is converted into a nerd. The combined force of the Nerds' intelligence and Ogre's brute strength form the most dangerous team in history and it leads to the Nerds escaping the deserted island alive.

The Nerds now in alliance with The Ogre and re-united with Booger who was off doing hardcore gross-out loogie-horking training with the venerable Master Snotty...happen upon a shack of military surplus equipment and use this equipment to raid the frat convention grounds in tanks...to once again take home the glory of victory in battle. (Nerds: 2, Jocks: 0)

Revenge of the Nerds 3: The New Batch

Synopsis: Many moons have passed and many old grudges have settled. The Adams University which was turned into a veritable battleground has now seen an era of peace and prosperity in the last half-decade. The Nerds won, they re-fitted the gymnasium into being a computer center and erected a statue of Einstein to display Nerd honor to all those who's eyes bestowed upon the center. They built monuments to their past victories, is what they did.

Morton Downey Jr., a wealthy local Captain of Industry, has enrolled his son into Adams and is shocked to come back to his old stomping grounds to witness first hand the Nerd atrocity of turning the gym into a computer center. Morton Downey Jr.'s veins swell with unfathomable and unquenchable anger over the Nerds lack of respect for Jock culture. The great and mighty Downey Jr. makes an oath to himself to stop this swelling tide of Nerd change and restore Adams as the Jock stronghold it once was.

Music Portion: The Korean Elvis impersonator does something, and there's a rap song. Both are not worthy of writing home about.

Film Quality: 4 Stars

Stan Gable's Role: Stan Gable is no longer a star quarterback, now he is a lonely policeman who's pickup truck is in desperate need of repairs. He tries to exact revenge on Nerds through his pseudo-position-of-authority by giving them traffic tickets for infractions they didn't even make...but all in all..Stan Gable is but a mere shadow of his once proud self.

Yet...he's not the only one. The Head Nerd, Lewis Skolnick, has a weary mind from past battles as well. After claiming Gable's would-be wife as his own through hard fought battle and excellent sessions of love making...Lewis feels a new confidence. This new confident Lewis begins to hate his former self and he sheds all markings of his nerdom. He starts to wear cool clothes (well, sorta), he grows a stupid looking pony-tail, refers to himself as "Lew" and stops himself from laughing with his Jamie Cromwell-esque super-nerdy laugh. He believes he is a new and better man...yet just like Stan Gable...Lewis Skolnick is only a shadow of his former proud self. He has become...the dreaded Self-Hating Nerd.

Stan Gable sees this un-nerdy Skolnick as a sign of extreme weakness in his former proud enemy. He sees this as chance to prey on the once dangerous nerd and reclaim his would-be bride from the clutches of his nemesis. Gable finds a powerful ally in the dastardly yet cunning Morton Downey Jr. and together they form a nefarious alliance of evil. Through Mort's powerful connections he installs Stan Gable as the new dean of Adams.

Gable, now more cunning under the stewardship of the evil Mort Downey, attempts his clever ruse of stealing Lew's wife by using the old tactic of "keeping thy friends close but thine enemies closer" as he feigns remorse and apologizes to Lew...winning his nemesis' friendship. Lew Skolnick shakes hands with a veritable devil that Stan Gable has become...and behind Gable's back is the most sharpest of back-stabbing knives primed for the nerdly back of his enemy.

Meanwhile, the new batch of Nerds at Adams (which include John "Nay-Nay" Pinette in a rare acting role) are no match for the tandem of Morton Downey Jr. and Stan Gable...they plead for the hero of yesteryear, Lew, to help them yet he is a self-hating nerd who defends his new "friend" Stan Gable at every instance of transgression. Their only hope lies in a lawyer they find in the Tri-Lambda former members database...the man known as Booger.

Downey devises a master plan of getting the Nerds framed and arrested for drug trafficking and it succeeds without a hitch...yet shockingly, in a turn of events no one expected...Stan Gable whilst testifying against the Nerds breaks down....

It wasn't tears of defeat....

Gable's heart was heavy for a long time and his conscience weighed him down like a rock....and right there on the stand he broke down and sold out the dastardly Morton Downey Jr. instead of the Nerds! But Why!?

Do you know why Gable was crying in Revenge of The Nerds One? Because of his defeat? No, it turns out that was not the source of this man's tears, not in the least. All these years...Gable was keeping a secret. Lewis wasn't the only self-hating nerd in this movie...Stan Gable...this whole time...since the very beginning...was a Nerd...a Nerd who hated himself.

In Revenge of the Nerds 1, all those years ago, while he was the star quarterback...that day when the Nerds won and defeated the Jocks....Gable wasn't crying because he lost...nay-nay...he was crying because he wasn't able to celebrate with them. Because he was not able to be true to himself and be a proud Nerd like he knew in his heart he was...he was relegated to solitude...unable to celebrate with his brethren.

Wow. That's fucking deep, word.

Revenge of The Nerds 4: Booger Gets Married

Synopsis: Booger gets married and a bunch of stuff happens.

Music Portion: Takashi sings a nice Japanese song at the end...it's still nothing to write home about though.

 Film Quality: 1 Star

Stan Gable's Role: Gable is now a full fledged nerd with a pocket-protector, glasses, and chicken-pox. Yes, chicken pox. He misses Booger's entire wedding due to being afflicted with a nerdy skin disease and has to stay in his motel room all week playing virtual reality video games and having nerd-sex with his nerdy girlfriend. 

He's in detente now, his character has finished its growth cycle. 

Cool.

Conclusion

The Real Stan Gable

The villainous Stan Gable went from a man who viciously tormented others...to a man content and happy to be himself. It is truly a great literary transformation that is warranted as being considered one of Literature's Greatest Moments.

What is the moral of the Parable of Stan Gable? It is "Don't Lie to Yourself...."

...Always be true to yourself, very very true to your own self. All of us should be truer to our selfs, big time.

Lying to yourself? That's just stupid, guy.

Another Heino-rific Update!

The stats are down. I love stats, I gotta get the views back up....I don't even make money or anything from this dumb blog but I love numbers and I love stats.

This blog's views by country basically breakdown into this order:

1. USA
2. France
3. Germany
4. China
5. Canada
6. Russia
7. UK
8. India


So I gotta give 'em what they want. Those countries are the countries that tend to peruse my blog at times.

I write a lot of of baseball articles which probably explains why the Americans are number one in hits on this blog.

France? I have absolutely no idea why so many people in France read these articles. I don't know which articles interest them but something in this blog does, it seems. Maybe one day this month I'll write some nice french poems for France.

After I did a Chinese movie review I gotta lot hits from China...so I gave them what they wanted and did some more Chinese movie reviews by reviewing the heck out of all those Chinese Gamblin' Movies.

Germany? They like the Heino ones. I Haven't wrote anything about Heino in a long time...so let's reach out to Germany and do another hard-hittin' Heino article.

If you wanna read this blog's previous Hard Hittin' Heino articles please see:

1. The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino) (Oct/2011)
2. Is Heino's Final Form Finally Upon Us? (Jan/2013)

To sum up those two articles, we looked at Heino's ability to Heino-Volve at will and shift himself within the music paradigm and the second article chronicled what is likely to be Heino's final Heino-Volution...his transmogrification into Metal-Heino.

No, Metal-Heino isn't like a Mecha-Godzilla sorta robot version of Heino...the "Metal" in Metal-Heino refers to the musical genre...."Heavy Metal."


Why do I even Know about Heino?  

Before we get started, I bet a lot of Germans are wondering why I even know about Heino let alone why I write strange essays about him.

Heino became well know in North America for two reasons.

First, Late Show talk show host David Letterman mentioned Heino on a minimum of two separate occasions in the early nineties. The first time holding up a Liebe Mutter CD (one of the oddest looking records covers ever), and the second time showing a clip of Heino's great music...as seen here:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS5geZgcXAc)

The other party who introduced Heino to North American audiences was one of my favoritist bands ever, The Hanson Brothers, who back in 1996 released their smash-hit single "You Can't Hide the Heino" on their smash-hit record "Sudden Death" (the single was previously only released as a Europe-only promotional tune).

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw0mJfgJtJA)

Hansons live in Berlin (Heino's Heimatland)

The confirmed story as to how this song came about is believed to be that Hanson's guitarist Tommy Hollistion was in a bar in Germany after a performance....and being a known-fan of awful music...had purchased many a Heino record prior to entering the establishment. The bar in question was quite a swanky place and he felt ashamed that he had so many Heino records on his person that he attempted the best he could to hide them (under his shirt, etc.) yet the records were simply too big to conceal. It proved to be a difficult endeavor to conceal Heino records to avoid embarrassment yet in the end the truth of the matter was...the simple inarguable ubiquitous truth that..."You Can't Hide the Heino."

Alright, so that's why I know about Heino...due to Dave Letterman and the Hanson Brothers.

Heino-Volution Complete

As most people know, Heino's current form is that of Metal-Heino, which is surprisingly a monstrous hit over in Germany.

The initial larva stage of Heino's Heavy Metal transformation was met with skepticism to put it lightly...and with good reason. Heino is a very odd fellow in more ways than one and I don't think anyone thought he would try and conquer the Metal scene at the tender age of 75. When he released his first cover album of harder songs he was met with terrible criticism by many of the bands he covered.

In the second of my Heino articles, I pondered why Die Toten Hosen hated Heino so much, and I came to the conclusion that they did so to form an offensive to keep Heino away from the hardcore scene...for they knew they could not compete with his record sales. I feel this is the same reason many bands covered by Heino on his hardcore CD had such vicious criticisms of him...they feared the chameleon of music known as the Heino was now officially entering the hardcore genre.

Heino never had a number 1 hit on the German charts, ever, yet at the age of 75...Heino's hardcore CD hit number 1 on the German charts and proceeded to go platinum. Yeah, his record sales blew everyone else out of the water the second he stepped into the hardcore scene. Wow.

What about all those haters who hated on him...where was the hate when his record sales blew them out of the water? Nowhere, he shut the haters up. The metal scene figured that if they can't beat Heino...then join him. Need proof? Look who took the stage at Germany's biggest Metal Festival last year...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4X33xnSfC0)

 Heino.

It appears the larva stage of his Heino-Volution has completed and the time has come for Heino's Final Form to reach 100% of its true Music Power Level. Behold Heino's new promo photo...

Holy shit....he looks cool.

It only took him 75 years, but Heino finally looks pretty cool. He looks like Vigo the god damned Carpathian over here! What the fuck!?

Ok, Heino's not satisfied with just out-selling the other metal acts in Germany...he actually wants to become the King of Metal. He looks fucking bad ass, man.

According to a recent press release, Heino has a new Metal album coming out in December called "Black Enzian" which is supposedly way hardcorer than his last album. If this photo is any indication of how hardcore this fucking album is gonna be...then yo...this album is gonna be crazy.


Why Has Heino So Easily Conquered the Metal Scene?

How could a 75 year old man with chronic exophthalmos just walk into the metal scene and totally conquer it in less than a year? Maybe because metal kind of sucks these days.

I think it was Jello Biafra who said, "Metal has done what no gym teacher could ever accomplish...to get everyone to dress exactly the same." It's true too, metal is very uniform...the whole scene is very cookie-cutter. They all try to look the same, act the same, dance the same, and make the same song over and over and over and over. I personally cannot tell the difference between one metal band of this era to the next...I really can't...it's too cookie cutter, man.

It wouldn't hurt to fuse some other style with metal to try and get something new. I've seen rap/metal and other fusions but everyone expected that. I want real original shit...like real weird ass fusions.

Heino's not the first person to try and take his personal style and fuse it with Metal...here are some other less famous instances.

1. Pat Boone

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeKjmB2DaAs)

In 1997 Pat Boone put this garbage out. Oh boy. This album sucks ass.  Boone just takes the lyrics of harder songs and sings them in his style. It sucks balls...it really does. Don't buy this or even listen to it.


2. Richard Cheese

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qx_SEMdAlU)

This album, like Boone's, isn't really a fusion. The only thing taken from the hardcore songs are the lyrics and none of the musical components are used in the fusion. Cheese is better than Boone though...some of his numbers are pretty catchy.


3. Anton Maiden

Okay, here we go, now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout. Anton Maiden took Iron Maiden songs...converted them to 8-bit MIDI files, took out the lyrics, and put his more better lyrics over them.

Website with mp3s: http://antonmaiden.altervista.org/

I like this, I find him very original. Very unique fellow. In fact over the years when I have had the urge to listen to Iron Maiden songs...I often find myself loading up the Anton Maiden versions of them...almost as if I enjoy them more than the actual Iron Maiden versions. It's odd.

Like many Internet Celebrities of the late nineties...Anton had his share of suicide rumors. Most internet celebs did, I guess it's because it's so easy to make a suicide rumor and people seem to believe more readily that an Internet Celeb would be prone to suicide.

For example, there were countless suicide rumors about that guy who sang Aicha back in the day...but it turns out that Gellieman is not only alive and well but was not even Eastern European to fucking begin with (evidence).

There were countless rumors that Mikey, the kid who made a site to find his "future girlfriend" had done himself in. Again, all those suicide rumors were untrue...in fact Mikey is not only alive and well but is a now looking for his "future boyfriend."

With Anton though, it was a different story. When the suicide rumors started flying...unfortunately they were 100% true. Riddled with drug addiction Anton killed himself in 2003. That news floored me when it was confirmed back then...everyone loved Anton...it really seriously floored me when I read he killed himself. You were the best Anton.

Anton's unique take on Iron Maiden songs is in essence what the metal scene needs...originality!


It's Heino's Time to Shine

Metal World...take note, there's a new act on the scene...he's 75 years old and he aspires to be the King of Metal.

Hey, who says you can't teach an old dog some new tricks? That cliche has been torn to shreds by Heino in the last year.

I have a feeling his next album is gonna actually be fucking cool as fuck.


EDIT (December 10th, 2014):

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tY57TYnr9w)

Here's his smash hit music video single for his album and it's....something. Hahahahahah, this rules. The only thing I don't understand is why Heino has mounted a flare gun on his wrist watch to shoot old ladies in the face with. Metal-Heino rules.

Sweeping Retraction

I gotta make a glaring retraction from a previous article. Hey, I'm the not dumbest guy but I'm also certainly not the most smartest guy either. It seems that many a time I write dumb shit that is blatantly incorrect...but, instead of editing the article that was written a long time ago I just sort of update my opinions via retractment articles. Why? Because it's more fun.

I did a retraction once for a neuroscience one where my conclusion was way of base, I had to do it for my lengthy dissertation on Ernest P. Worrell in which the conclusion I made approached the asinine....and now I will do a retraction of statements in regards to this recent piece:


Article in Question: This Week in Satire


For that article, in the style of Mel Allen's "This Week in Baseball" I wrote reviews of recent satire pieces that society had produced over that particular week. I said some nice things and I also talked some mad mad shit at people. The following parties were mentioned:

Nice Things Said About: South Park

Mad Shit Said At: John Oliver, Jamie Oliver, and Cookie Monster

The nice things said about the Park are to be unaffected by this retraction. South Park rules, and everyone knows that.

The mad shit stated about two-thirds (2/3) of the parties in question of which mad shit was said undoubtedly need said mad shit to be amended if not totally stricken from the record.

The parties who will have mad shit which was spoken about them amended and/or retracted are one Cookie Monster and one John Oliver.

Before we continue we must first explain why talkin' mad shit is so serious, and we must also do a quick disambiguation before the article gets under way.


The Talkin' of Mad Shit

This is Raviolies

The talking of mad shit at someone is serious. You shouldn't do it unless there really exists no other option. It is very disrespectful and quite mean.

Think of the concept of "Reputation" as a clean white t-shirt. Everyone on earth is wearing this symbolic clean white t-shirt and it represents their reputation as humans. A person who's t-shirt is no longer clean has a bad reputation. So, in this figurative example...all the little petty crimes and annoying things you do manifest themselves as stains on this t-shirt. These t-shirt stains also appear as others talk shit about you.

In the case of talking mad shit at someone...it is the equivalent of taking a full plate of raviolies and whipping them at that person's white t shirt. Oh shit.

It's serious business to whip raviolies at someone's white T-shirt...and that's why talking mad shit at people is not something to do just out of the blue and for no reason. If it is the case that someone talked mad shit about someone yet they were wrong...then that person should retract all and every statement of mad shit.

Yo.


Quick Disambiguation

I re-read that This Week in Satire one, and it doesn't really flow good. I'm talkin' 'bout John Oliver in one paragraph and then Jamie Oliver in the next, and then back to John Oliver. Those two names are quite similar and I didn't even put up photos of either party...it just seems poorly structured and confusing on my part.

To disambiguate the two parties here are each side-by-side in a photograph:

They are similarly named and from the same country...they both have their own hands...but they come from different moms.


Cookie Monster

C.M. was not the main subject of the article in question, yet I was talkin' some mad smack about him as a short aside. I had read an article recently saying that Cookie doesn't even eat cookies anymore and that he eats only vegetables, and fruits, and nuts, and some berries, and this, and that. After reading that, I felt myself losing respect for Cookie Monster. I was thinking maybe he got like a vegetarian girlfriend and because of her he was eating some bull crap diet to make her happy or something like that. I've seen too many bruthas over the years start eating some bull crap diet because of their dumb girlfriends and I just naturally thought this is what happened to Cookie Monster due to my personal biases.

I was wrong.

Turns out, Cookie Monster has been talking about vegetables and shit since NINETEEN EIGHTY SEVEN (1987). I remember this song too, so it's weird that I forgot that Cookie does indeed eat other stuff at times...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBMxpDbp51A)

Cookie was even eatin' this stuff in the eighties. I totally forgot about that. I thought he really got like this retarded girlfriend that nagged him into being a vegan or something. I really thought he sold out. But, it seems like Cookie was always down with healthy foods (even cream of wheat, word up) therefore the shit I was talking about this man was not warranted.

I'm sorry Cookie, you're the best.

I love you Cookie Monster.


John Oliver

I was heaping a whole helpin' of raviolies all over John Oliver's shirt the other week. Holy shit, I ran out of raviolies and starting whippin' whole doses of spaghetti sauce all over his damned shirt. Oh, man.

I was all keened over some statements he was making about sugar...and I like sugar...so I was all in a tizzy, I really was. I truly was. I was really in a tizzy over that sugar nonsense.

However, I recently watched two videos of John Oliver collaborating with my boy Cookie Monster,

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3FKln8AQJs)

Boy is my face red. Here I am talking shit about John Oliver and I didn't even know he's down with my boy Cookie. Sorry homie. I didn't know you were chill with the Cookie Monster.

Respect via proxy is an important facet in social behavior. John is down with Cookie...and I'm down with Cookie Monster (in fact when I was a little baby I used to sleep with a plush version of his likeness)...meaning both of us share the trait of being down with Cookie Monster. Due to this downness with Cookie Monster and due to the laws of Respect Via Proxy...I must then, of course, be down with John Oliver.

I don't always know who in hollywood hangs out with who. I simply did not know that John Oliver and Cookie Mosters were homies. I honestly didn't know that and I shouldn't have talked so much shit about John Oliver in retrospect. Anyone who hangs with C.M. has to be an okay guy.


Jamie Oliver

This retraction DOES NOT apply to Jamie Oliver, all negative statements therein made about Jamie Oliver still stand. In fact I would like to apply more negative statements to Jamie Oliver while we're on the topic. I would like to apply four entirely new negative statements to Jamie Oliver.

1. Jamie Oliver is dumb
2. Jamie Oliver is really stupid
3. Jamie Oliver smells and I hate him
4. Jamie Oliver....you are the worst guy, like ever

It was recommended in the End Notes that Jamie Oliver be "Suplexed in Modulo 12" which is not a term used often and I wish to elaborate. Basically, suplexes in various modulations are just how many suplexes occur in a successive pattern, for example the following is Suplexes in Modulo 3:

Suplex in Modulo 3

I was recommending that someone, similar to Chavo Guerrero, suplex Jamie Oliver 12 times successively. I will not retract that statement, because it's the truest thing anyone's ever said.

Conclusion

I love you, Cookie Monster.

(but not more than Ernie and Grover, though)

The Coffee Efficiency Reports are In

This article is about Coffee

You drink coffee everyday? Ya, me too. I drink coffee like an animal. Some days, like the weekends, where I don't even have to go to work or anywheres in particulars...I still drink coffee like crazy, get all nuts, and then I just get out all the excess buzz by like punching and kicking the air around me for 4 straight hours.

If you're a coffee enthusiast like me, you'll be happy to know that I sent out a wicked cool robot/car that gathered information on methods of efficiently drinking coffee for cheap and my robot is back with its datum and has auto-generated its tab-delimited reports on the matter.

So without further human ado, here are this years (2014) coffee drinkers efficiency reports that everyone has been waiting for.


Pre-Amble

We shall be comparing how much the variety of ways costs to get pumped in the morning by drinking coffee.

Raw motherfuckahs who drink a lot of coffee want to know how much this shit costs them per annum. We shall be lookin' into brewing it at home with a standard coffee maker, brewing it at home with a weird ammunition loading machine like a "Keurig" or a "Tassimio" or a "Marimo." Finally, we shall look into buying your coffee from a place that sells pre-made coffee.

Obviously prices differ from region to region in North America but this will give you a general idea. To try and keep it a bit uniform I am going to take the prices currently listed on Wal-Mart's website because they have these wal-marts everywhere.


Coffee Efficiency Report

1. Brewin' the shit yo self:
(talkin' 'bout regular ass hoi polloi coffee like Maxwell's House, not like snob people coffee)

Initial investment: around $20 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $9 bux for almost 1000 grams of canned coffee.

So for an initial investment of 20 bux you can make your own shit at home in about a minute. You need about 10 grams of coffee to bang up a cup...so for each 9 buck case of ammo you buy for your coffee making device you can make about 100 cups of coffee.

If you divide 9 bux by 100 you're looking at like 9 fucking cents per cup of coffee.

1 cup of coffee = 9 cents

2. Brewin' yourself with one of those fancy-pantsin' high fallutin' "Keurig" devices:

Initial investment: around $70 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $20 bux for a "24 pack."

(note: it's hard to get a price for these "k-cup" packs...it really ranges on the type and the retailer.)


So you drop a minimum of 70 bucks to join the Keurig family, and then you gotta drop 20 bux to load up on your munitions to brew which provides 24 cups of coffee each time (you can get bigger packs, like a 48-pack which costs double that of a 24 pack). Is it just me or does this shit sound like a ponzi scheme of some manner? People buy these for their friends and family as gifts and in turn the next person falls into this expense trap of like 20 bucks for 24 coffees. The people who hook their friends don't even get any money out of it so it's even dumber than a ponzi scheme.

So, 20 / 24 = 0.83. It is about 83 cents a cup with these highfalutin bozo machines. About 9x more per-cup than a regulation machine.

1 cup of coffee = 83 cents

3. Buyin' it at fast food places
(I know there's a lot of differentiation in price between Dunkin's and MacDickweed's and Starfucks, and I know some of these highfalutin art-school-kid places charge an arm and a dong for a cup of the brown stuff...so I'm just gonna go with Dunkin's going price listed on their site to make matters easier)

Initial investment: 0 bux
Cost for munitions: $1.49 for a "small" cup of coffee

That's like the cheapest coffee you can buy from a retail coffee issuer. I mean, I've been to art-school-kid cafes where like they want quadruple or even quintuple the price for one cup of stupid coffee. Either way my secret spy robot/car that scoured the countryside to obtain this data chose Dunkin prices so that's what this article will go with.

1 cup of coffee = 1.49 per cup.


Analysis over Annum

If y'all motherfuckers drink on average 2 cups of coffee per day (I know most of you, like me, drink more but my robot/car made the reports with 2 as the based god number)....

2 x 365 (days in North American calender) =  730 cupz

Regulation Coffee Maker: 0.09 x 730 =  $65.70
Keurig Coffee Maker: 0.83 x 730 = $605.90
Fast Food Accruement: 1.49 x 730 =  $1,087.70

Dudes, chicks, (or trannies) who make their own shit spend like not even 70 bucks a year on coffee. Keurig people spend about 10x more on coffee expenses...whist motherfuckas who buy their coffee from fast food as their morning ritual spend over 1,000 bux a year if they do that everyday (every single day seems excessive but even every second day would still rack up 543 bux an annum).


Finishing Paragraph

I love reducin' my expenses like a frugal man. I make my own beer and shit and it costs me like 30 bux for 50 beerz now and they taste more good than crappy beer too.

I wish I could buy a small island, make a coffee farm, and form a trusty well-to-do gang of Mexican-looking people with donkeys and get my hands on my own coffee beans. We'd take pride in our work and only pick the best beans and throw out the dumb/ugly beans...and we'd work up a sweat all day, me and these Mexican guys. When the harvest was done we'd all high five and shit, too. That would be cool. Me and them would really feel like we put in an honest day's work...day in and day out.

That's just a dream, I know I'll never be a Mexican-looking guy who has a coffee farm...that's only for my dreams. Everyday would be like a sunny holiday if I owned my own coffee-farm/island.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cysIKz8H3Rg)

The best a frugal and cheap man like me can do to efficiently drink coffee is to use the regulation coffee maker method which amounts to only about 70 bux a year of expenses after the initial 20 buck investment in the machinery.