Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross-Overs

A lot of people use "stupid" as a pejorative insult and in many cases it is....but in the field of Entertainment, "stupid", isn't a bad thing at all and in many cases is a compliment.

Would things like Strange Brew, Beavis and Butthead, or something like that be enjoyable if it wasn't about the antics of stupid people? Would I sit and watch an episode of Beavis and Butthead if it was about two brain surgeons discussing brain surgery techniques? Of course not, I watch that to see two insipidly stupid dudes fucking up and hurting themselves. Stupid rules.

One of the most stupid forms of entertainment over the years has without a doubt been Fake Wrestling, again this isn't an insult, Fake Wrestling is the good kind of stupid. I mean where else can you see as much drama-laden, over the top, stupidity as you do on Fake Wrestling? Very few places offer the same amount and same kind of stupidness that is offered to you in gallons with Fake Wrestling.

????

How stupid is this shit? I've seen a guy light a fire cracker no where near his opponent...yet something about the flash caused his opponent to be bedazzled and swoon. I've seen shit on this shit that's so dumb that I often just stop and wonder what the fuck I'm looking at. Basically, what I'm sayin' is, Fake Wrestling is so stupid that's it's veritably surreal.

I'd describe Fake Wrestling as Stupid Performance Art as opposed to any other way to describe it and, again, that's not an insult....there's times where the art is so stupid that it's very very cool and very fun to observe.

Often at times, people from the Real World will cross-over into this Land of Stupidity...we all remember Mr. T (star of TV's The A-Team) showing up at Wrestle Mania One, we remember the great Liberace popping into this world as a "Celebrity Time Keeper",  many recall Mike Tyson teaming up with DX a few years ago to fuck someone up, or when Beetlejuice showed up to get smashed with a guitar, and recently the legendary Pee Wee Herman stopped by to hang out in this strange land.

But...Mr .T, Liberace, Mike Tyson, Beet, and Pee Wee are people you'd expect to pop into the World of Fake Wrestling to perform some Stupid Performance Art from time to time....these are guys who genuinely fit into that world and don't seem out of place at all whilst immersed into it.

As the title of this article suggests, there's been times where a breed of human known as Talk Show Hosts have ventured into this land to engage in SPA (stupid performance art) as well.

We shall be looking into five instances where the Realm of Talk Shows and the Realm of Fake Wrestling intersected and ran congruently for a set interval of time.

Entries shall be ranked on a scale of 10 (ten being Super Stupid and zero being Retarded).

Jon Stewart (intersecting with) Seth Rollins

Recently a feud was birthed out of the fiery taunts directed by one Seth Rollins towards one Jon Stewart. Rollins would taunt Stewart from his camp on WWE's Monday Night Raw whilst Stewart would retort said taunts from at his home base at the The Daily Show.

It didn't take long for his war of words from their base-camps to escalate into an all-out face-to-face beef between the two as a few days after the initial taunts Rollins totally showed up on the Daily Show to put Stewart in a head-lock.

It seems the beef reached its boiling point yesterday,

 

Shots were fired off left and right yet as you could plainly see when the time came for fisticuffs to erupt...Stewart kicked that dude in the dick and skadadledaddled himself to safety.

Now, people might see that as cowardice, but look, I've read Sun Tzu's Art of War and am versed in all 36 divine stratagaems of combat. Do you know out of all of the 36 divine stratagaems of combat which one Sun Tzu himself referred to as the most divine of the divine tactics? Skedaddlin' that's which one.

If shit is getting hot, man, just poke a dude in a eyes, or kick a dude's nuts, and Skee-Fucking-Daddle....that's honestly the best advice anyone can ever give someone. If you're ever in doubt about the outcome of a fight, do like Stewart, and SKEE DEEEDLY DADDLE out of the mother fucker post-haste.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 7/10

Drama Stupidity: 9/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10

OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10



Jerry Lawler + Andy Kaufman (intersecting with) David Letterman

Memphis Wrestling was some real old school shit that existed before Fake Wrestling was monopolized and if you watch all these Memphis Fake Wrestlings on the youtube you'll probably be pretty entertained by this stupid shit. The premise of the show was mainly "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager versus other "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager. Jimmy Hart rose to prominence in Memphis Wrestling as the head of a stable as did many other managers. You don't really see managers too much anymore but they were good because unlike most of the talent....these manager characters could act.

Memphis used to get famous people to stop by and chill, for example here's that Batman Adam West showing up (for no reason):

I don't really know what's going on here. Either Adam is jet-lagged, drunk, or really not happy to be there and is really trying to act odd to make them regret flying him out there. I love shit like this. Adam West, in my opinion, is THE ONLY BATMAN, no other people who played Batman can even come close to what West did with the Batman character.

Another guy Memphis got to stop by and chill was Andy Kaufman....but Kaufman was a little more enthusiastic about being there than West was. Kaufman made a whole shtick out of his appearances on this show and really pulled out all the stops to create some legendary Stupid Performance Art. He developed a feud with Jerry Lawler (Lawler is seen in the clip above speaking with Batman).

The feud between Kaufman and Lawler hit its fever pitch (as many know thanks to the Kaufman hollywood bio-pic) on the set of David Letterman's Late Night program:

The King slapped that mother fucker right in his fucking face. Back in the day most of the people watching this wondered if this was a shtick or not....both guys are good actors and played the SPA really well...no matter what venue they showed up in these guys sold their shit, man.

This was done so well it is barely even stupid...it's like a level of believability that almost makes you forget they were doin' a Fake Wrestling. The actual wrestling matches on Memphis between Lawler and Kaufman were pretty stupid though...mainly involving a whole buncha skedaddlin', turtling, wigglin', and all-around silliness.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 10/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 9/10


Hulk Hogan n' Mr. T (intersecting with Richard Belzer)

Poor, poor, Richard Belzer. The Belz had the Hulkster and My Favorite Person Ever Mr. T on his program for them to promote Wrassle Mania One and all kinds of hijynx broke loose....

Basically, Belzer asked Hogan to practice some holds on him and Hogan proceeded to choke out Belzer and when the Belz hit the floor after passing out...he cracked his coconut open, observe...

Hold the phone though, THIS WAS NOT A SHTICK, Belzer cracked his head open and then successfully sued Hogan for a coupla million bux. Fuck, yo.

I don't know how to rate this one since it wasn't a shtick at all and that poor man got his skull split open...so, I'm just gonna give it a run of threes and move on.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 3/10

Drama Stupidity: 3/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 3/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 3/10


Rowdy Roddy Piper (intersecting with) Morton Downey Jr.

This bit featured the in-ring talk show Rowdy Roddy used to host during live Fake Wrestlings. I don't really know why they do these bits, it's like, they want to take a break from the fake wrestling to set up new feuds...I guess that's the reason for the in-ring talk shows.

Piper invited a man with his face painted red known as Brother Love and the late great Mort Downey Junior to join him at Wrestle Mania V for a nice a little chat. I guess you'd call this an insult competition or something. I used to do these at school but we called them "Shafting Competitions" back when the word "shafting" was briefly popular in the early 90s.

Piper proceeds to verbally abuse Brother Love until he skeddadles out of the ring and home to his mommy...and then Piper turns his verbal fury unto Downey.....yet is shocked when his verbal abuse is ineffective against him.

Fuck man, Morton Downey Jr. is unverbally-abusable...he eats insults for breakfast and shafts for lunch. Verbal abuse is like bread n' butter to Morton Downey, he loves that shit. This fucking guy has the nerve to breathe smoke directly into Piper's fucking face, holy shit, right in his fucking face! Even after Piper politely asked Downey to stop blowing smoke into his face the guy just keeps on blowing smoke RIGHT IN his FUCKING FACE. Can you believe it?

Right in the guy's fuckin' face.....

Here watch it here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1vxekc_piper-s-pit-wwf-wrestlemania-5_sport

As you can see in the link, Piper gets the last laugh (well it was his in-ring talk show after all, they were on his turf), as he unloads the contents of a fire extinguisher directly into the face of Morton Downey Jr, Wow.

This bit would have been better without that fucking tomato faced jackass "Brother Love" in the pit....that asshole can't act for shit. Piper and Downey did some good SPA here though, they did some good shit with this pit bit.

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 6/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 10/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10


Hogan et al. (intersectin' with) Jay Leno

I didn't really get this one at all. Unlike the trash talking fun ones like with Downey n' Kaufman n' others...Leno played a super baby-face character that kind of came off as like....I dunno how to describe it...he looked like a kid from those "make a wish foundation" type charities who got his wish to be a wrestler with Hulk Hogan. It just looked weird...like a big child is what he looked like.

Video here: http://www.wwe.com/videos/jay-leno-diamond-dallas-page-vs-hulk-hogan-eric-bischoff-road-wild-1998-26009542

He plays it like he's one of the gang, like some little kid who the wrestlers let throw them around because it's the child's make-a-wish wish. It's just strange looking...but it's not really stupid though.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to use the word "stupid" in this situation because I think Jay Leno really is slightly mentally handicapped in real life and therefore you're not allowed to say that in that situation.

You see, the rules with calling someone stupid or 'tarded is this...you can call anyone you want stupid or retarded from a president to a pauper as long as they are NOT legitimately mentally handicapped. In the case where someone is genuinely certifiably mentally disabled then you cannot refer to them as being stupid or as a retard...you have to give the mentally challenged people a lot of leeway and be positive when you talk about them.

I honestly believe that Jay Leno is borderline mentally handicapped...I mean from his "comedy" to his odd looking pudgy face. When you watch him in this fake wrestling you really see a child who's living his wrestling dreams and he looks like a big fat mentally disabled child.

So in that case, since I'm not allowed to call him stupid due to leeway reasons I have to shoot zeroes down the line on this bit. I don't want to call a borderline mentally disabled man "stupid" because it's not correct in this day and age. Therefore, Jay gets a very "special" rating of all zeroes.

General Silliness: 0/10

Drama Stupidity: 0/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 0/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 0/10


Assessment

From most stupid to least stupid. Some entries are being omitted in the final tally...Belzer gets removed because it was not a mutually agreed upon shtick and therefore wasn't exactly Stupid Performance Art and Jay Leno gets removed from the assessment because his was more of a "very special boy" living his wrestling dreams and wasn't really SPA either:

WINNER: Kaufman/Lawler on Letterman

Runners-Up: Jon Stewart/Seth Rollins and Morton Downey Jr./Rowdy Roddy Piper

 
Kaufman and Lawler on Letterman wins...that shtick is pretty tight. They sold it to the point where the average viewer who wasn't familiar with Memphis Wrestling probably had no idea it was a shtick and was like "holy shit" while watching that bit. Those two assholes can sell bits and Letterman acted as a good mediator that kept the shit brewin' up good.

Another Heino-rific Update!

The stats are down. I love stats, I gotta get the views back up....I don't even make money or anything from this dumb blog but I love numbers and I love stats.

This blog's views by country basically breakdown into this order:

1. USA
2. France
3. Germany
4. China
5. Canada
6. Russia
7. UK
8. India


So I gotta give 'em what they want. Those countries are the countries that tend to peruse my blog at times.

I write a lot of of baseball articles which probably explains why the Americans are number one in hits on this blog.

France? I have absolutely no idea why so many people in France read these articles. I don't know which articles interest them but something in this blog does, it seems. Maybe one day this month I'll write some nice french poems for France.

After I did a Chinese movie review I gotta lot hits from China...so I gave them what they wanted and did some more Chinese movie reviews by reviewing the heck out of all those Chinese Gamblin' Movies.

Germany? They like the Heino ones. I Haven't wrote anything about Heino in a long time...so let's reach out to Germany and do another hard-hittin' Heino article.

If you wanna read this blog's previous Hard Hittin' Heino articles please see:

1. The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino) (Oct/2011)
2. Is Heino's Final Form Finally Upon Us? (Jan/2013)

To sum up those two articles, we looked at Heino's ability to Heino-Volve at will and shift himself within the music paradigm and the second article chronicled what is likely to be Heino's final Heino-Volution...his transmogrification into Metal-Heino.

No, Metal-Heino isn't like a Mecha-Godzilla sorta robot version of Heino...the "Metal" in Metal-Heino refers to the musical genre...."Heavy Metal."


Why do I even Know about Heino?  

Before we get started, I bet a lot of Germans are wondering why I even know about Heino let alone why I write strange essays about him.

Heino became well know in North America for two reasons.

First, Late Show talk show host David Letterman mentioned Heino on a minimum of two separate occasions in the early nineties. The first time holding up a Liebe Mutter CD (one of the oddest looking records covers ever), and the second time showing a clip of Heino's great music...as seen here:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS5geZgcXAc)

The other party who introduced Heino to North American audiences was one of my favoritist bands ever, The Hanson Brothers, who back in 1996 released their smash-hit single "You Can't Hide the Heino" on their smash-hit record "Sudden Death" (the single was previously only released as a Europe-only promotional tune).

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw0mJfgJtJA)

Hansons live in Berlin (Heino's Heimatland)

The confirmed story as to how this song came about is believed to be that Hanson's guitarist Tommy Hollistion was in a bar in Germany after a performance....and being a known-fan of awful music...had purchased many a Heino record prior to entering the establishment. The bar in question was quite a swanky place and he felt ashamed that he had so many Heino records on his person that he attempted the best he could to hide them (under his shirt, etc.) yet the records were simply too big to conceal. It proved to be a difficult endeavor to conceal Heino records to avoid embarrassment yet in the end the truth of the matter was...the simple inarguable ubiquitous truth that..."You Can't Hide the Heino."

Alright, so that's why I know about Heino...due to Dave Letterman and the Hanson Brothers.

Heino-Volution Complete

As most people know, Heino's current form is that of Metal-Heino, which is surprisingly a monstrous hit over in Germany.

The initial larva stage of Heino's Heavy Metal transformation was met with skepticism to put it lightly...and with good reason. Heino is a very odd fellow in more ways than one and I don't think anyone thought he would try and conquer the Metal scene at the tender age of 75. When he released his first cover album of harder songs he was met with terrible criticism by many of the bands he covered.

In the second of my Heino articles, I pondered why Die Toten Hosen hated Heino so much, and I came to the conclusion that they did so to form an offensive to keep Heino away from the hardcore scene...for they knew they could not compete with his record sales. I feel this is the same reason many bands covered by Heino on his hardcore CD had such vicious criticisms of him...they feared the chameleon of music known as the Heino was now officially entering the hardcore genre.

Heino never had a number 1 hit on the German charts, ever, yet at the age of 75...Heino's hardcore CD hit number 1 on the German charts and proceeded to go platinum. Yeah, his record sales blew everyone else out of the water the second he stepped into the hardcore scene. Wow.

What about all those haters who hated on him...where was the hate when his record sales blew them out of the water? Nowhere, he shut the haters up. The metal scene figured that if they can't beat Heino...then join him. Need proof? Look who took the stage at Germany's biggest Metal Festival last year...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4X33xnSfC0)

 Heino.

It appears the larva stage of his Heino-Volution has completed and the time has come for Heino's Final Form to reach 100% of its true Music Power Level. Behold Heino's new promo photo...

Holy shit....he looks cool.

It only took him 75 years, but Heino finally looks pretty cool. He looks like Vigo the god damned Carpathian over here! What the fuck!?

Ok, Heino's not satisfied with just out-selling the other metal acts in Germany...he actually wants to become the King of Metal. He looks fucking bad ass, man.

According to a recent press release, Heino has a new Metal album coming out in December called "Black Enzian" which is supposedly way hardcorer than his last album. If this photo is any indication of how hardcore this fucking album is gonna be...then yo...this album is gonna be crazy.


Why Has Heino So Easily Conquered the Metal Scene?

How could a 75 year old man with chronic exophthalmos just walk into the metal scene and totally conquer it in less than a year? Maybe because metal kind of sucks these days.

I think it was Jello Biafra who said, "Metal has done what no gym teacher could ever accomplish...to get everyone to dress exactly the same." It's true too, metal is very uniform...the whole scene is very cookie-cutter. They all try to look the same, act the same, dance the same, and make the same song over and over and over and over. I personally cannot tell the difference between one metal band of this era to the next...I really can't...it's too cookie cutter, man.

It wouldn't hurt to fuse some other style with metal to try and get something new. I've seen rap/metal and other fusions but everyone expected that. I want real original shit...like real weird ass fusions.

Heino's not the first person to try and take his personal style and fuse it with Metal...here are some other less famous instances.

1. Pat Boone

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeKjmB2DaAs)

In 1997 Pat Boone put this garbage out. Oh boy. This album sucks ass.  Boone just takes the lyrics of harder songs and sings them in his style. It sucks balls...it really does. Don't buy this or even listen to it.


2. Richard Cheese

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qx_SEMdAlU)

This album, like Boone's, isn't really a fusion. The only thing taken from the hardcore songs are the lyrics and none of the musical components are used in the fusion. Cheese is better than Boone though...some of his numbers are pretty catchy.


3. Anton Maiden

Okay, here we go, now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout. Anton Maiden took Iron Maiden songs...converted them to 8-bit MIDI files, took out the lyrics, and put his more better lyrics over them.

Website with mp3s: http://antonmaiden.altervista.org/

I like this, I find him very original. Very unique fellow. In fact over the years when I have had the urge to listen to Iron Maiden songs...I often find myself loading up the Anton Maiden versions of them...almost as if I enjoy them more than the actual Iron Maiden versions. It's odd.

Like many Internet Celebrities of the late nineties...Anton had his share of suicide rumors. Most internet celebs did, I guess it's because it's so easy to make a suicide rumor and people seem to believe more readily that an Internet Celeb would be prone to suicide.

For example, there were countless suicide rumors about that guy who sang Aicha back in the day...but it turns out that Gellieman is not only alive and well but was not even Eastern European to fucking begin with (evidence).

There were countless rumors that Mikey, the kid who made a site to find his "future girlfriend" had done himself in. Again, all those suicide rumors were untrue...in fact Mikey is not only alive and well but is a now looking for his "future boyfriend."

With Anton though, it was a different story. When the suicide rumors started flying...unfortunately they were 100% true. Riddled with drug addiction Anton killed himself in 2003. That news floored me when it was confirmed back then...everyone loved Anton...it really seriously floored me when I read he killed himself. You were the best Anton.

Anton's unique take on Iron Maiden songs is in essence what the metal scene needs...originality!


It's Heino's Time to Shine

Metal World...take note, there's a new act on the scene...he's 75 years old and he aspires to be the King of Metal.

Hey, who says you can't teach an old dog some new tricks? That cliche has been torn to shreds by Heino in the last year.

I have a feeling his next album is gonna actually be fucking cool as fuck.


EDIT (December 10th, 2014):

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tY57TYnr9w)

Here's his smash hit music video single for his album and it's....something. Hahahahahah, this rules. The only thing I don't understand is why Heino has mounted a flare gun on his wrist watch to shoot old ladies in the face with. Metal-Heino rules.