The Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages!

I've wroted blog articles (bloticles?) on all sorts of shit. The ones that get most of the hits are the silly ones about video games though. So, here's one 'bout video games.

Well, I must say I do enjoy a nice video game every now and then. A nice warm cup of tea, a relaxing arm or wing chair...and a good old fashioned side-scroller or two. Sometimes I feel like a nice Super Mammal Side Scroller if I find the fancy. If I must say, at times, I do indeed find the fancy. Without any further meaningless set-up, I would like to now present the award for Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages.

The finalists for this prestigious award are: 

- Cheetah Men 2 (by Active Enterprises)

- Bio Force Ape (by SETA)

Obvious Omission

I'm a let me finish, but yo, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have had some of the best damn sides-crollers of all time.

 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f49OKDTQZwk)

Da Da Du-Da-Du Da DA! 

Ok, yes it is true that the TMNT games on NES were the shit (the motherfucking shit) but the fact remains that Leo, Raph, Donnie, and Mikey are not mammals...those guys are reptiles, dude. Reptiles have cold blood, but mammals have warm blood....and, I think reptiles stalk their prey with heat vision.

Either way, no Ninja Turtle side scrollahs can be considered for Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages due to them not being mammals. Thus they are obviously omitted from consideration for that sole reason.

Moving on,

Cheetah Men 2

Listen to this good ass shit right here,

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkmbbZZOgKg)

Neer-Neer--Na-Na-NEEEER! Neer-Neer-Na-Na-NEEEER!

Yeah, that's the beats right there. That makes me feel like dancin' on the jack groove (maybe even the jack move n' groove). Hold up check this out...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7b0pp9O4Ec)
REMIX !!!

Those Cheetah Mans know how to get down. Anyways, who are the Cheetah Men?

Oh fuck you, Morbis.

Story Synopsis: The unrelentlessly evil Dr. Morbis murders a cheetah whilst vacationing in the vast Serengeti region of Africa. The dastardly mad scientist proceeds to kidnap her three cheetah cubs and keep them as prisoners in his lab.

Dr. Morbis preforms terrible genetic experiments on the poor defenseless cheetah cubs. By the time they reach adolescence they became fully cognizant cheetah-men (half-cheetah / half-man men).

Realizing the evil intent of Dr. Morbis our three protagonists Aries, Apollo, and Hercules break out of the lab and vow revenge on Dr. Morbis. In defense Morbis creates dozens of evil genetic monstrosities to kill the Cheetah Men ranging from half-man/half-hyenas to half-man/half-rhinos...to the dreaded Ape-Man.

Is this game good? NO.

It was only released on something called "action-52" which sold 52 games on one cartridge. The reason this cartridged had 52 games on it but cost the same price as a cartridge with one game on it is because all 52 games sucked ass and were bad.

It sucks, man. Like things don't even blow up when you kill them or anything...they just disappear. What kind of side-scroller doesn't make the things you kill blow up or explode? A stupid side scroller that's what kind.

Cheetah Men 2 has good music for a DJ to spin at one of those drug-people rave-parties...but it's not a good video game. No way, Jose.

Final Score: -34/100

Bio Force Ape

Intense Mine Cart Level

Story Synopsis: BFA is a pretty crazy dude, man. He was once the pet monkey of a brilliant non-mad scientist yet when a rival science gang kidnaps the non-mad scientist and his family...the monkey gets super pissed off and drinks a vial of serum from the research lab and undergoes a mass transmogrification into a roided up testerone-ridden Super Ape Man hellbent on all sorts of crazy revenge.

BFA has to track down the kidnapped individuals through 3 levels and obstacles aplenty stand in his way. Henchmens, half-man / half-bees, half-man / half-crocodiles, and all sorts of shit don't want BFA to achieve his goal.

Guys you kill in this game don't blow up either though...but at least they fly off the screen pretty ceremoniously. If it's a sub-boss or a boss, they get reversed german-suplexed, piledrived, or perfect-plexed...and THEN fly off the screen ceremoniously. So it's all good.

Is this game good? Yeah, I guess.

It's not as bad as Cheetah Men 2 but it's certainly no Turtles in Time that's for god damned friggin' sure. It's by no stretch a Metal Slug and that's a fact jack. Yet, this game has some pretty fluid (6?)-frames-per-second animations and at least BFA is a fucking bad ass dude who knows a heckuva lot of wrestling moves. Plus, a lotta games have minecart levels but not many are as intense as the BFA minecart level, son.

Final Score: 39/100 

Well it looks like Bio Force Ape by SETA is the Super Mammal Side Scroller of the....wait...hold the phone....

A CHALLENGER APPEARS

Yester-damn-day, someone got tired of Super Mammal Side Scrollers sucking and released what appears to be a genuine Super Mammal Side-Scroller and it might very well give these Cheetah Mens and Bio Force Apes a run for their money when it comes to crowning a SMSS of the Ages.

This game was made by the same great people who made Abobo's Big Adventure so you know this game is on the up-and-up right off the bat. 

Story Synopsis: A gorilla was chilling way down in the jungle deep, doing his thing and not bothering nobody when an evil corporation happened upon him and straight up kidnapped him. 

The mad scientists brought the poor gorilla to the corporation's lab where they routinely test products on poor defenseless animals. They had a new line of chainsaws and pogo sticks coming to market and they decided to test them out on their new gorilla specimen. Naturally they removed his arms and replaced them with chainsaws and then obviously removed his legs and replaced them with a pogo stick. For good measure they hot wired his frame to an internal super computer which gave him advanced bionic six-million-dollar-man-esque capabilities.

Turns out this wasn't a good idea as the Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla escaped from the lab and now has to navigate his way through various sub-basements of the facility in order to reach the top and exact revenge...BIONIC CHAINSAW POGO REVENGE !!!

Is this game good? Yeah.

Yo, when you kill stuff in this game it blows up, that's for damn sure. Even christmas trees and vending machines were blowing up into bloody messes of blood and explosions. Man, I was holding down the pogo button, the chainsaw-spin button, and the extendo-chainsaw-spin button all at the same time and rushing through the levels...everything in those levels was getting blowed up, exploding, and bleeding, and dying around me...I was like..."holy, shit."

I thought I had a seizure...but I didn't. I think my brain was just trying to tell me that this is The Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages that it had for so long been seeking.

Man alive. Man alive. Some of the power-ups in this game are vicious and awesome, and they are all yelled at you when you get them by Roger Barr's iconic voice-over voice. MEGA-SAWS! EXTENDO-SAWS! MASSIVE DAMAGE! DEATH SPIKE! SHADOW CLONES! PROJECTILES! INVINCIBLE! 

Dang, that cat Roger Barr really seems to enjoy yelling...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhmeElUNjbw)
 
He has a legitimate qualm with the Goonies, I must say.

Anyways, like Abobo's Big Adventure this game is FREE, bro. So yeah, play it...

Here: http://games.adultswim.com/bionic-chainsaw-pogo-gorilla-action-online-game.html

Conclusion

Over the vast intertwining years in the calendar of life there has no doubt been many Super Mammal Side-Scrollers yet only one game can be Of the Ages and that game without any regret, second guessing, or further deliberation can be declared...

Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla.

Good and (more importantly) FREE Video Games on the Old Internet...

I'm a cheap man. I am a cheap-ass fucking guy. I love playing video games, but I don't like spending my geldt on that shit. The last game I spent money on was Suikoden III which wikipedia tells me was released in 2002, so I haven't spent money on video games in a full 10 years now.

That's why when there's free video games to be had, I'm all over them like a crazy man. Free is my favorite four letter word. I think what I like best about free games is that I don't have to pay for them. The following are the best free games I've played on in the last while...

Mega Man versus Street Fighter

Mega Man is fun. For his 25th anniversary Capcom made a new-old-school style Mega Man where he fights Street Fighter guys.

If you play it please do it in the following boss order (it will help you win the day): Dhalsim -> Blanka -> Rose -> Rolento -> Urien (he's hard but his stage music is nice and catchy though) -> Ryu -> Chun-Li -> C. Viper. There's more levels after this but I haven't beat them yet, I died at Vega just now and got angry, started swearing like a little child, and switched to writing this blog thing.

Mega Man

Rating: 7/10

Play it: http://www.capcom-unity.com/mega_man/
(the website might be slow because millions of geeks are probably getting this free shit right now)

Abobo's Big Adventure

Abobo was the big tough guy (and sub-boss/jabroni-boss/green-boss) in the Double Dragon games. Here he finally gets the spotlight in his own game where he has to save his son (aptly named Abo-boy).

If you're a fan of the old NES then this game will feel like home for you. Abobo makes his way through Double Dragon, Zelda, freakin' Balloon Fight, that wrestling game with the lizard man from Brazil, Mega Man, Super Mario, Contra, Kung Fu, Punch Out, and...Urban Champion (yeah Urban Champion).

Abobo is not presented as an anti-hero though, Abobo is a hero-hero. He saves his son and...well, I don't want to spoil it...but the ending is very touching in an emotional and free way. 

This game was a collaboration from I-Mock, Pesto Force, and Pox Box. I-Mock would have had another game listed in this entry, a game they made where Ivan Drago battled his way to the top (fighting dinosaurs, thugs, Rocky (in a wheel Chair)...and you could play as Apollo Creed who had a crescent energy wave super move...it was soo coool). The Drago game was ordered to be removed from the site by whoever owns the rights to the Rocky films, which sucks because that was a really well made game (and a very very FREE game to boot).  I forget what it was called and all mention of it seems to have been removed from I-Mock's site.

I love you so much Abobo, I wish we could be friends in real life...

Rating: 9.5/10

Play it: http://www.abobosbigadventure.com/

I Wanna Be the Guy

This game is about a kid who wants to be the guy. It's really hard, personally I've never made it to the end and don't really want to. It's too gimmicky. You can save your progress at almost every intreval which makes it easy, but I got tired of trying to make my way around all the traps, gave up and never went back to it. I didn't really want to be the guy, I guess. It's too gimmicky I think. I get the joke that it's funny to die in ways you didn't think you could die, but the novelty kind of wears off eventually and it just becomes boring.

I remember there was this weird-ass cat game (mostly white everywhere) that I think did the weird-ways-to-die-in-a-platformer gimmick first but I can't remember the name of that game now. Oh wait, nevermind, I searched for "cat mario" in googles and found the game, it does indeed set the tone for this gimmick indeed. (Cat Mario video: Here). Now I'm not saying "Cat Mario" or whatever it's called is better than I Wanna Be the Guy, I'm just saying the funny-ways-to-die gimmick wasn't anything particularly new.

Mike Tyson

Rating: 6.9/10

Play it: http://kayin.pyoko.org/iwbtg/

Dikembe Mutumbo's 4 1/2 weeks to Save the World

This is an ad campaign for Old Spice but it is still nice and free though. I'm not sure this is gonna get anyone to buy Old Spice products but it's a pretty decent game. When it first came out I thought it was gonna be the coolest shit but it didn't really live up to its potential.

When I first heard that Dikembe Mutumbo was providing the voice of Dikembe Mutumbo, I thought this game was going to be amazing. It wasn't exactly what I expected it to be but it's still good none-the-less. The levels are as follows: Battle Toads (The one where you go down), Donkey Kong Country, Mega Man (?), and Ikaruga. The Ikaruga one is by far the best one, it has Dikembe flying through space and shooting lazors at shitty internet memes (or "may-mays" as Dikembe pronounces it).

Now, Is he finger wagging the opposing player or the crowd in the selection screen?

Rating: 6.4/10

Play it (I think it's still up): http://www.oldspicesavestheworld.com/

Hacked Mario Games that Are too Hard for me to Beat

I take my Mario games serious. I can beat Mario 1 in about 5.5 minutes, Mario 2 in a little over 10 minutes, and Mario World in about 10 minutes. I have it down to a formula and a tee, and even tried doing it with my eyes closed with somewhat success.

4:58 !? You cracked the big 5 !?!?!

I even at one point thought I was the best at it. Until I heard about Twin Galaxies and Speed Demons Archive (reputable institutions who keep track of gaming feats of strength and records).

Turns out some guy named Andrew "The Greek Mystique" Gardikis beats these games many seconds faster than I can. Last year, The Greek Mystique even cracked the 5 minute mark in Mario 1 and beat it in 4:58. He's amazing, the way he handles the birds in 6-2 in Mario 2 for example is un-fucking-canny.

He's so good at Mario right now that he's akin to the Greek god Icarus who upon gaining his wings flew too close to the sun. No mortal man should crack the 5 minute mark in Mario 1 , Gardikis is truly flying too close to the sun at this point. You're playing with fire Gardikis! With fire!!!!

Truth be told, those games are really easy. People have made hacked versions of Mario games in recent years to increase the difficulty (Mario X, Super Talking Time Brothers, and countless INSANE Japanese ones). I like these games because they are nice and free. Here's two videos of examples to finish this article...

Wow I haven't seen this first video in a few years but looks like it's up to 25 million views now:

Hit da bloopa and inta da hole!

Kaizo Mario is really hard. I can't play it on a keyboard because you have to short hop (half press the jump button) too much, I'd have to buy a USB SNES controller to beat this and that means it wouldn't be free enough for me to play it.

Wait, one sec, hold up (edit)...

I mentioned I-Mock's Ivan Drago game that was removed by MGM pictures as being worthy of being known as both a "good and "free" game. Seems like you can still play that great game on Newgrounds though!

Ivan Drago Justice Enforcer !!!