Is there a Market for Competitive Retro Gamin'?

In the wake of Andrew Gardikis's unshatterable Super Mario Bros. 1 world record (which was THE benchmark for gamin' records) being shattered as of last June, it seems like a great time to venture into the world of competitive retro gaming, see if there's a market out there for this spectator sport, and whether or not it would or could be the next big thing that hits society.

Essence of a Spectator Event

It's not always polite to get all philosophical and shit...but one must ask...what is a spectator sport? What are the inherent and ubiquitous requirements for something to be regarded as a spectator sport?

Well, you need a competition and you need spectators. That's about it. In its base form as long as someone is watching a group of somethings or someones engaging in some sort of competition than yessiree that something is a spect sport.

Take this game known as "Pooh Sticks" from the smash hit television show Winnie Da Pooh,

Pooh Sticks Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q0gectxDNQ&t=3m12s

Now, some might question whether racing sticks down a river is really a spect sport...yet in this fictional case the spectators do seem to be enjoying themselves as they watch the sticks race down the river.

F Apple, F Orange. GO BANANA!

Similarly, one might question why on the smash hit television show The Simpsons...Bart, Nelson, and Ralph raced an apple, orange, and banana down the school bus floor. As it passed by all the other human units on the bus they all seemed to cheer the fruit on (well maybe not the banana which found great difficulty in gaining momentum) as they rolled down neck and neck. Some may have rooted for the apple, some for the orange....in the end there could only be one winner of the bus fruit race just like there could only be one winner of Pooh Sticks.

As long as the viewer doesn't know what the end result is...then it's great fun to watch it unfold. Yet, Pooh Sticks and Fruit Racing are just primitive forms of spect sports. To up the enjoyment of the spectators watching the event you need to up some key factors.

1. The Skill
2. The Drama
3. The Stakes

1. What if the sport in question wasn't a random event between sticks and other inanimate objects? What if two or more humans decided to test their skills at something against each other? It would make the event more enjoyable to watch. The more the skills are of a legendary nature the better. I know I can't hit a 500 foot homerun, so when I saw with my own two eyeballs both Henry Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero do it live...I was like "holy shit, man. He hit that ball really really far." That is The Skill, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

2. I know wrestling is fake but that doesn't mean I still didn't enjoy watching my boy Bob Backlund back in '94 put that pretty boy jabroni Bret "The Pink Boy" Hart in the inescapable Cross-Face Chicken-Wing until Bret's mommy had to throw in the towel so her precious little baby boy wouldn't get his precious little arm broken. I knew it was a shtick but it didn't stop me from cheering on Backlund, laughing at that diaper-baby Bret Hart, and thoroughly enjoying the whole thing. You know what that is? That's The Drama, that's what that is.

3. Sometimes your pride is on the line, sometimes your wallet is on the line, maybe the belt is on the line, even your career might be on the line...or is it something even greater that is on that line? There will come a time where maybe you are traveling through a great wasteland in a post-apocalyptic future and you may stop by at a barter town governed by Tina Turner....and maybe you'll wind up fighting in some manner of a "Thunder Dome" where a midget riding on the shoulders of a giant retarded man will be your opponent. You know what will be on the line in that case scenario? Yeah, your friggin' life, dude. That's what I call...The Stakes.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEHE4E_I5FM)

 Sometimes the stakes are just too high and you gotta back outta the deal...

The Wizard...

There once was a movie which made playing Nintendo into a spectator sport. The Wizard. Anyone of the ages of 25-35 remember this movie? Yeah, I bet you do...and if you said "no" then forgive me if I accuse you at this juncture of being a filthy liar...because everyone knows this movie, everyone.

There's a great divide between how people regard this film. Some look at it as a horrible film which boiled down to being a 2 hour long info-merical for Nintendo to promote some crappy products it was hawking (i.e. The Power Gluv). Other people (me included) view this as the movie which initiated the template for Retro Gaming as a Spectator Sport.

The picture starts out a little slow, but after the scene where Beau Bridges starts smashing up a car with a shovel...the audience gets pretty pumped...and it really starts gettin' goin'.

This movie changed the way I played video games. I used to in pre-1989 days play video games in an area where behind me was a sofa, a table, and some wood paneling on a wall. Yet, when I played Mario 3 after seeing this Masterpiece...I never played to an audience of wood paneling ever again. That wood paneling before my very eyes morphed into 12,000 screaming people...12,000 screaming people watching me play Super Mario Bros. 3 in the depths of my mind. After gettin' 3 stars in row and getting the 5 Up screen...I didn't turn to wood paneling to raise my fist, I didn't turn to the sofa and acknowledge its feverish applause...no way...I turned to the 12,000 screaming people to raise my fist...I got those 5 Ups for the people!

The Wizard changed the game.


Documentaries 

Competitive gaming has had a good spotlight in the form of some very well made documentaries that have been done in the last decade. King of Kong and Ecstasy of Order: The Masters of Tetris are good examples.

Kong features the rivalry between one Steve Wiebe and one Billy Mitchell, while Ecstasy showcases various Tetris legends including Thor Aackerlund.

Now before we get any further, it should be noted that being a movie that wanted a certain formula to itself, The King of Kong obviously shticked it up a bit. The rivalry was intensified as the hero/baby-face/white-cowboyhat (Wiebe) was pitted against the villain/heel/black-cowboyhat (Mitchell) character.

Anyone who knows movies knows that you don't have a movie without a good villain character and Billy Mitchell is one of the best on-screen villains I've ever seen. Even if the fans of the film identify with and root for Steve Wiebe...it was not Wiebe who made this film what it is...Billy Mitchell made this film what it is. I know it'd be weird to give an Oscar to a documentary film actor due to the fact that people don't act in documentaries but the King of Kong to me has so many Spinal Tap elements to it that it's not exactly a straight up documentary....it's a movie. That being said, I was somewhat astonished that Billy Mitchell did not get nominated for any Oscars for his portrayal of "Billy Mitchell" in the King of Kong.

The second example mentioned, Ecstasy of Order: The Masters of Tetris, is a more straight doc than movie. I think they at some point fiddled with the idea of making Thor Aackerland a heel but probably scrapped the idea. Thor looks like he's a good candidate for heel throughout the film by constantly claiming to be able to get to the holy grail of level 30 in Tetris but never offers any proof to these claims. You think he's being worked as the "Billy Mitchell" of Tetris...but then they get into his backstory and you start to really like the guy...and then at the very end of the movie....guess what? I don't wanna spoil it but...ok I will...(SPOILER) at the end of the movie that fucking Thor gets to level 30 in Tetris and your face will be all like "No WAY, he actually can DO IT!!!!!? WOW!"  (/SPOLIER)

Masters of Tetris is still an interesting look at retro gaming and the whole scene and it is great that it gives good screen time to the two female masters of Tetris (one of which is a pretty cute lesbian). Maybe you were thinking that retro gaming is all ugly old male nerds but there's some chicks doin' this too.

Twin Galaxies vs. Speed Demon Archives

In the King of Kong film we are also introduced in to an institution which is dedicated to documenting feats of skill in video game history. What I can't figure out is whether the "Walter Day" character being presented here was actually himself (i.e. a real dude) or not. Was it a shtick? Was that pretentious demeanor all an act? I don't think his character was shticked-out at all to be perfectly honest. The pretentiousness and general oddness of this "video game referee" and self declared "authority" of video game records seems to be the real deal. I don't think it's an act.

To me the fact that the Mario 1 records are not even counted on Twin Galaxies because of "glitches exploited" by the gamers is so silly. The record on Twin Galaxies for Mario 1 is listed as being 5:08....they don't even accept the fact that now TWO human beings have cracked 5 in Mario. What kind of fucking bullshit is this? Twin Galaxies can go fuck itself.

I keep up to date with the masters of retro gaming and the video game heroes of the age with that great site Speed Demon Archives Dot Org.*

Twin Galaxies? I have no respect for your operation...not in the least.

 
* Note: All these years I thought this site was called Speed Demons Archive but it looks like there's no "N" and it's actually Speed Demos Archive which sounds suuuuuuuuuper lame. Whatever though, it's still better than Twin Galaxies.


So This Retro Gamin'...Is It?

Is retro gamin' a Skill? Look, kids these days don't know what we went through. These days the companies make the games at an enjoyable difficulty for all ages so they can get the widest audience range and sell the most units. Back in my day, gamin' was brutal on your eyes, mind, n' brain. Yo, if your kid could beat Mega Man 2 at 10 years old back in the day....you had to get on the phone with Mensa as soon as it occurred to let them know that society had a "prodigy" on its hands and hope to the heavens that the child didn't mature into an evil genius. If you had a kid who could get 500K points in Tetris you were obliged to fill out a government report indicating that you had a "biological weapon" in your premises because many world governments of the era classified a brain of that magnitude as a nuclear threat to civilization.

Fuck, man. Watchin' a dude like Gardikis or the newly crowned Mario King runnin' through a Mario 1 game and seeing all the roll-stoppin', the quick-housin', the back-tubin', the 21n frame masterin', the pirahna clearin', and the threadin' of the the needles. You can see that and pretend that what is happening isn't a skill? I don't think so, pal.

A basketball player who can hit big threes gets into a "zone," a baseball hitter who can in a split milli-second pick up a 96 mile an hour fastball and jack it down the left-field line is in a "zone," what about a Tetris Master who can achieve 290+ lines, a 999,999 MAXIMUM score, and get the level 29 variable to switch over to level 00...is he in the Zone?

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6mvDOKOIqY)

Oh yes, he's in the Zone. He truly is.

What is the Zone? Have you been there? Have you ever got so good at something that your brain became so efficient at it that you actually forget your even doing it while your doing it? That's the Zone. It's like...you just beat Mario 2 in like 10 minutes and you think to yourself afterwards...

"Wow, I just beat Mario 2 in the last 10 minutes but I wasn't even thinking about it. I was thinking about that one time my friend threw a full milk shake all over my other friend and I started to laugh and laugh...I wasn't even thinking about Mario 2 at all whilst I beat it in the last 10 minutes." 

-A theoretical quote from someone that was "in the Zone."

It seems as if your brain has found such an efficient way to accomplish a given task that it deems that the only thing that can get in the way at this point in achieving the task is over-thinking the situation, so naturally the brain distracts itself from thinking unnecessary thoughts and it accomplishes this feat by making itself think of things not related to the matter at hand whilst the matter at hand is efficiently taking care of on auto-pilot. Wow.

Take Exhibit A over here...

Climbing ladders...or something much much more?

Luigi has climbed up a ladder (narrowly avoiding being shot) and now has come to TWO ladders...one on the left and one on the right. Now...whether you chose left or right HAS NO BEARING on the outcome of the situation. Yet, your brain will take a few miliseconds/frames to ponder whether to choose left or right. Why would the brain waste valuable frames deciding on an action on a situation in which both paths lead to the same outcome? Because our brains are stupid, that's why. Yet when you're in The Zone, the brain doesn't deal with that shit...it just bounces up a ladder (ANY LADDER) and gets where it's gotta go.

Damn, when we're not in The Zone...it's almost like we're these victims of some sort of a collision on the open seas as our brains struggle to make routine decisions which ultimately have ZERO bearing on the future. Call it obsessive compulsive disorder, call it fear of choice, call it what you want. It reminds me of that dog who found these two bones this one time in Ancient Rome and he picked at one and then he licked the other...and then he literally went in circles until he dropped dead.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVGINIsLnqU)

Oh man, Video games are hard work sometimes.

People say video games aren't for real because they are just "games" and games aren't for real. Games can for real too though...like basketball, soccer, baseball...people know those games are for real. If you told a retro master gamer that he or she is just playing a "game," I'd bet they'd disagree with you. When your that good at something it's no longer a game anymore for you to enjoy leisurely. Let legendary relief-pitcher/philosopher John Wetteland expalin this phenomenon,
  

"[Baseball is not a game] for me. It’s something I need to execute. There’s a whole different perspective I have and that’s why maybe I can’t enjoy it the same way. I only watch baseball to learn from it, not to enjoy it."

-John Wetteland

Mario Runners, Tetris Masters, Donkey Kong Experts, Pac Man Wizards, Asteroid Champions...these people don't play these "games" to enjoy them...they play them to find the most effective way to function. They execute functions in a divine flow is what they do, they do not "play" them at all. They find the most efficient series of functions to execute in order to create a Flying Divinity of Mental Togetherness which becomes an awe inspiring event for spectators to see. You better believe it.

Now let me ask you this, does it got The Drama? Yeah, it does.

Riddle me this, if King of Kong was about just Steve Wiebe beating Donkey Kong and getting the highest score ever would you have watched it to the end? I wouldn't have. I watched that movie because of Billy Mitchell. Why did I watch it because of Billy Mitchell? Because he's Billy Mitchell.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok6kiLK0Idc)

 "...Because I'm Billy Mitchell." -Billy Mitchell

All that's left is The Stakes. Some compete for the money, some for the fame, some for the thrill...but some just compete to be the best....the best that there never even was. There can only be one "The Best" and you're either it or your not. You're either Thor Aackerlund or you're not. What are the stakes in retro-gaming? What do you think?

It's about being the fucking greatest.


Conclusion

We know retro-gamin' has the skillz, the drama, and the stakes. All its missing is a venue and some media attention. It needs a place to compete, some camera people, some key grips, some dolly grips, and a handful of announcers and play-by-play people. That's it.

Years ago, a man named Chairman Kaga went through gallons of blood, sweat and tears to build his one-of-a-kind Kitchen Stadium to give a venue for his Iron Chefs to compete against all challengers this World had to offer.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TdA_yP8sV8)

Retro Gamers of all corners of this World of Worlds are asking themselves at this very moment...where's our Chairman Kaga? Where's our Video Game Stadium? When will I get to show the world my ability? When is it my turn to shine on the global stage?

When will the 7 Iron Gamers assemble on Television in the famed Retro Gamin' Stadium and do battle? That's the question on everyone's mind.

Good and (more importantly) FREE Video Games on the Old Internet...

I'm a cheap man. I am a cheap-ass fucking guy. I love playing video games, but I don't like spending my geldt on that shit. The last game I spent money on was Suikoden III which wikipedia tells me was released in 2002, so I haven't spent money on video games in a full 10 years now.

That's why when there's free video games to be had, I'm all over them like a crazy man. Free is my favorite four letter word. I think what I like best about free games is that I don't have to pay for them. The following are the best free games I've played on in the last while...

Mega Man versus Street Fighter

Mega Man is fun. For his 25th anniversary Capcom made a new-old-school style Mega Man where he fights Street Fighter guys.

If you play it please do it in the following boss order (it will help you win the day): Dhalsim -> Blanka -> Rose -> Rolento -> Urien (he's hard but his stage music is nice and catchy though) -> Ryu -> Chun-Li -> C. Viper. There's more levels after this but I haven't beat them yet, I died at Vega just now and got angry, started swearing like a little child, and switched to writing this blog thing.

Mega Man

Rating: 7/10

Play it: http://www.capcom-unity.com/mega_man/
(the website might be slow because millions of geeks are probably getting this free shit right now)

Abobo's Big Adventure

Abobo was the big tough guy (and sub-boss/jabroni-boss/green-boss) in the Double Dragon games. Here he finally gets the spotlight in his own game where he has to save his son (aptly named Abo-boy).

If you're a fan of the old NES then this game will feel like home for you. Abobo makes his way through Double Dragon, Zelda, freakin' Balloon Fight, that wrestling game with the lizard man from Brazil, Mega Man, Super Mario, Contra, Kung Fu, Punch Out, and...Urban Champion (yeah Urban Champion).

Abobo is not presented as an anti-hero though, Abobo is a hero-hero. He saves his son and...well, I don't want to spoil it...but the ending is very touching in an emotional and free way. 

This game was a collaboration from I-Mock, Pesto Force, and Pox Box. I-Mock would have had another game listed in this entry, a game they made where Ivan Drago battled his way to the top (fighting dinosaurs, thugs, Rocky (in a wheel Chair)...and you could play as Apollo Creed who had a crescent energy wave super move...it was soo coool). The Drago game was ordered to be removed from the site by whoever owns the rights to the Rocky films, which sucks because that was a really well made game (and a very very FREE game to boot).  I forget what it was called and all mention of it seems to have been removed from I-Mock's site.

I love you so much Abobo, I wish we could be friends in real life...

Rating: 9.5/10

Play it: http://www.abobosbigadventure.com/

I Wanna Be the Guy

This game is about a kid who wants to be the guy. It's really hard, personally I've never made it to the end and don't really want to. It's too gimmicky. You can save your progress at almost every intreval which makes it easy, but I got tired of trying to make my way around all the traps, gave up and never went back to it. I didn't really want to be the guy, I guess. It's too gimmicky I think. I get the joke that it's funny to die in ways you didn't think you could die, but the novelty kind of wears off eventually and it just becomes boring.

I remember there was this weird-ass cat game (mostly white everywhere) that I think did the weird-ways-to-die-in-a-platformer gimmick first but I can't remember the name of that game now. Oh wait, nevermind, I searched for "cat mario" in googles and found the game, it does indeed set the tone for this gimmick indeed. (Cat Mario video: Here). Now I'm not saying "Cat Mario" or whatever it's called is better than I Wanna Be the Guy, I'm just saying the funny-ways-to-die gimmick wasn't anything particularly new.

Mike Tyson

Rating: 6.9/10

Play it: http://kayin.pyoko.org/iwbtg/

Dikembe Mutumbo's 4 1/2 weeks to Save the World

This is an ad campaign for Old Spice but it is still nice and free though. I'm not sure this is gonna get anyone to buy Old Spice products but it's a pretty decent game. When it first came out I thought it was gonna be the coolest shit but it didn't really live up to its potential.

When I first heard that Dikembe Mutumbo was providing the voice of Dikembe Mutumbo, I thought this game was going to be amazing. It wasn't exactly what I expected it to be but it's still good none-the-less. The levels are as follows: Battle Toads (The one where you go down), Donkey Kong Country, Mega Man (?), and Ikaruga. The Ikaruga one is by far the best one, it has Dikembe flying through space and shooting lazors at shitty internet memes (or "may-mays" as Dikembe pronounces it).

Now, Is he finger wagging the opposing player or the crowd in the selection screen?

Rating: 6.4/10

Play it (I think it's still up): http://www.oldspicesavestheworld.com/

Hacked Mario Games that Are too Hard for me to Beat

I take my Mario games serious. I can beat Mario 1 in about 5.5 minutes, Mario 2 in a little over 10 minutes, and Mario World in about 10 minutes. I have it down to a formula and a tee, and even tried doing it with my eyes closed with somewhat success.

4:58 !? You cracked the big 5 !?!?!

I even at one point thought I was the best at it. Until I heard about Twin Galaxies and Speed Demons Archive (reputable institutions who keep track of gaming feats of strength and records).

Turns out some guy named Andrew "The Greek Mystique" Gardikis beats these games many seconds faster than I can. Last year, The Greek Mystique even cracked the 5 minute mark in Mario 1 and beat it in 4:58. He's amazing, the way he handles the birds in 6-2 in Mario 2 for example is un-fucking-canny.

He's so good at Mario right now that he's akin to the Greek god Icarus who upon gaining his wings flew too close to the sun. No mortal man should crack the 5 minute mark in Mario 1 , Gardikis is truly flying too close to the sun at this point. You're playing with fire Gardikis! With fire!!!!

Truth be told, those games are really easy. People have made hacked versions of Mario games in recent years to increase the difficulty (Mario X, Super Talking Time Brothers, and countless INSANE Japanese ones). I like these games because they are nice and free. Here's two videos of examples to finish this article...

Wow I haven't seen this first video in a few years but looks like it's up to 25 million views now:

Hit da bloopa and inta da hole!

Kaizo Mario is really hard. I can't play it on a keyboard because you have to short hop (half press the jump button) too much, I'd have to buy a USB SNES controller to beat this and that means it wouldn't be free enough for me to play it.

Wait, one sec, hold up (edit)...

I mentioned I-Mock's Ivan Drago game that was removed by MGM pictures as being worthy of being known as both a "good and "free" game. Seems like you can still play that great game on Newgrounds though!

Ivan Drago Justice Enforcer !!!

Odd Topics People have Chosen to Rap about...

Mr. T once engaged in a conversation which ensued as follows,

"Mr. T: Rappin' is a way of saying' knock knock.

Audience: Who's there?

Mr. T: Me! Open the door and listen to what I got to say."

-T., Mr., "Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!" (see: the section on Rappin')

This statement is true, Rappin' is a great method for someone to express themselves and their opinions on life. Many people over the course of the last 40 years have chosen to use Rappin' in that fashion, they have rapped about: how tough life is, love, their neighborhoods, how much they enjoy using or selling illegal substances, how dangerous their gang is, and a myriad of other topics. It seems that the topic list may be running short, as people have taken to rappin' about seemingly odd topics.

The following songs are such cases...rap topics that make you scratch your head a bit and think "why are they rappin' 'bout that?" The entries will be filtered to exclude really bad rap and completely inane rap. This isn't about bad rappers, it's about rappers who rap about odd topics (though some may be quite awful mind you).

But before we begin, we must first debunk and clarify a song which has made people scratch their heads over a specific lyric which is not what they may believe it to be.

Betty White?

Betty has been re-launched into super-stardom of late, and has apparently been pre-approved by her local branch for unlimited Gangsta Cred. But, was Betty's gangsta cred a misunderstanding? It appears so.

In Dr. Dre's 1992 smash-hit rapsong "Deep Cover" he makes this statement:

"Tonight's the night like Betty Wright, and I'm chillin" (Deep Cover, 1992)

The Force? Ya. But Gangsta? Naw.

I believe many people over the years have misheard this lyric as "Betty White" when in fact he is referring to Betty Wright, the woman who sang a song named "Tonight's the Night" back in the 1960's. Dre was not giving a shout out to Betty White by any means, he was obviously giving a shout out and props to a more understandable subject.

Betty has taken this false cred and put out her own rhymes of late, and her Rappin' is not necessarily bad...but when you observe it you must be aware that she is Rappin' under false pretenses. She by no means has any Gangsta Cred...any preconceived cred was mis-attributed.

Murder She Wrote...

Straight up O motherfuckin' G?

A similar era-adjusted contemporary of Betty's, Angela Lansbury, may have more gangsta cred than anyone has given her credit for. Angela starred on the hit TV show Murder She Wrote which ran concurrent and parallel with Betty White's Golden Girls show. Angela is very similar in all respects to Betty, yet may be an actual gangsta.

Murder She Wrote was a network television mystery drama where Angela was a writer/super-sleuth who solved who-dun-its with the greatest of precision and ease. On the surface, Angela appears to be about as gangsta as a young Ethel Merman, yet rappers have been giving her serious shout-outs and mad props throughout the history of Rappin'. Take this song from the She-Vanilla Ice of the nineties Ms. Tairrie B.,

Tairrie (an ebonicized version of Terry? I dunno) is horrible and awful, yet she is without any doubt giving mad props to Angela Lansbury in this song. Her bad-ass image appears to be a hommage to her, and Murder She Wrote is repeated ad-nausem through out the rapsong. This is very interesting, yet due to Tairrie's awfulness in the face of Rappin' we cannot use this as a proper method of adorning Angela with true and deserved props.

Angela Lansbury's real props comes from this great song...WARNING...it is really catchy:

Reggaemen extraordinaire Chaka Demus and Pliers use "Murder She Wrote" as the chorus in their hit rapsong of the same name as well, and this one is fucking good.

A noticeable phenomenon in the rap game is to just copy what other people did, and a quick scan of youtube proves that many people not only enjoyed either Tairrie B's or Demus and Plier's ditties but ripped them off as well. A surprising amount of amateur rappers on youtube have songs named and chorused with "Murder She Wrote." I'll collect a few examples of horrible plagiarists who stole the Murder She Wrote idea...

Example 1 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0tBrY6fBqU

Example 2 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhwTcx1Rx_A 

Example 3 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzKlfVXvK04

In conclusion, Angela is never specifically named in any of these songs, yet it is undeniable that they are giving a shout-out to her TV show and thusly giving her said shout-out. Unlike Betty White who is 100% undeserving of her credibility...Angela Lansbury appears to be the real deal, one might go as far as saying that she is straight poppin' Gangsta.

Movin' Right Along,

Okay, enough gangsta old ladies for one sitting...let's move on to something a little fresher and better. Something a little cooler and modern.

The following song is great, it is rapped by a man named Random, it is a wonderful and beautiful rapsong by a talented rapper. It is a love-style rap song about a man's love for a woman, a beautiful woman who he wants to take far away and be alone with for the rest of his days, yet it is a scandalous and forbidden  love which can never truly blossom, the man is like Romeo and the woman is like Juliette, they are in love but are not allowed to be due to circumstances out of their control. The song ends with the woman committing the ultimate display of true love as she self-sacrifices herself for her beloved man...it is a tragic rapsong...a tragic tragic rapsong...

Lyrics:

This is a mission not a small time thing
Got me on the case like I'm Sherlock, Holmes
My dome kinda messed up from what I've been seein
And what I've been hearin, got me not knowin what to believe in
I was breezin, battlin bosses
The record is flawless, zero losses
'Til I came across this, stunning young piece
Who resided at the bottom of the sea - and she
Told me her name was Splash Woman
Beautiful but deadly, she was mad cunning
Had a voice that could soothe the savage
Beast, her physique was way above average
Magic the way she got me in a spell
Got me on lockdown, sort of like a cell
But I got a mission that I can't afford to fail
My girl, I got a secret to tell, umm...
I don't know how to say this
So I'm a just say it, that you my favorite
Even underwater I'm enchanted by your fragrance
You're the one to play with, won't you, be my baby?
Or maybe, we can get up out of this land
And maybe get a bite somewhere my dear
Even though she knew the truth about Ran
I had a feeling she would understand, yo I got a chance

Chorus: 

Thought I was in love before
But I love you more, so baby come aboard
And go away with me, so I can make you see
What you mean to me, and baby we can be
Free... oh ohhhhh, under the sea
Oh ohhhhh, just you and me

Seem like every couple years I get that feeling
Feelin like I'm about to hit that ceiling
But I cain't cause it's time for spikes
And when I reach the lair I know it's time to fight
I couldn't do it, Punk'd out like Ashton's victims
She started singin and I had to listen
It was lovely, when she sang, the fish came
All of a sudden the mission changed, insane~!
She told me about her true purpose
She was a state victim that fell through the surface
A few days ago the contract expired
And she was scheduled to be thrown into the fire
And Wily gave her a reason to live
So now she gotta do what he says
She said a tear and said you don't understand
I gotta stick to the plan, I owe everything to this man
So please Mega Ran, don't take it personal
Cause it hurts I know, I'll make it worse y'know
But he saved me baby
To turn my back on Wily would be just plain crazy
She said it's the only way it can end
Let the, battle begin and we can't be friends
So my heart sunk low as the lair door closed
Drew the Mega Buster cause it's time to roll, here we go

[Chorus]
 
So the battle was on, it was fierce
She hit me in the side and left my armor pierced
On her command, the fishes attacked me
I cocked the Mega Buster and hit 'em exactly
But the battle took a turn that was odd
Every time I fired a shot, she didn't dodge
She took each blast from the arm cannon
Smiled at me as every shot was landin
At first I didn't know what she was plannin
Then suddenly I started understandin
Yo I think she lettin me win
Givin me what I need so I can get to the end
By the 17th hit she began to stagger
Fell to the ground so I ran and grabbed her
Looked up in her eyes as she tried to laugh
Pulled me close and handed me her staff
I said I wish it didn't have to be like this
I'm thinkin he might miss her if she be my miss
She said don't be foolish, you gotta do this
Let the whole city know what the truth is
Said boy you got stuff to do
Said girl I woulda gave it all up for you
I feel invincible when I'm holdin you
But as far as love goes I'm 0-for-2

(Random, Splash Woman)

It is a great love poem and the beat makes it a great rapsong...wait a second...spikes on the ceiling? Mega buster? Is he? Oh my goodness...is this cat Rappin' about playing Mega Man!? That's amazing, not only is it great poetry and has a catchy beat, but the absolute silliness that this song is about something as awesome as Mega Man gives it an entertainment value which is off the charts (to me anyhow).

 

Turns out, that all of Random's rapsongs are about playing Mega Man and he's got dozens of them. Dozens and dozens of rapsongs about playing Mega Man. Wow. I'm not making fun of him, in fact, I'm a geek and a huge fan of the old Mega Man games. In fact, my family physician recently recommended that I beat Mega Man 2 at least 5 times per annum in order to stay healthy and fresh, and it is a regimen I am sticking to.

The first song I heard of Random's was a song about not wanting to grow up set to the beat of Woodman's level in Mega Man 2 (listen to it here). For those of you who don't know, Mega Man 2 is not only the best and most addictive game ever made, but it is also the deepest piece of literature ever created.

It's ok, it's over...get some rest now man.

Mega Man 2 is an epic story, about a robot who just wants to stand on top of buildings, feel the wind in his hair, and be free. Yet, a terrible psycho bent on revenge and hatred builds 8 evil robots to kill Mega Man and enslave the world...the psycho is unable to best our hero who easily defeats the robots in turn. After saving the planet, Mega Man wants no reward or fame...he is content on taking a long walk back home which takes him two full years, he walks through the changing seasons from summer to fall to winter and back, and when he finally gets to where he's going, he gazes upon the safety and security of his home, takes his helmet back off to let the wind into his hair again, and he begins the unwinding process. It's so simple, but very deep.

Other contributors to Mega Man 2 folklore through music include Brental Floss, and whoever the fuck wrote that song Okkusenman which has been covered about a thousand times now. These are not rapsongs but are related to this section for their Mega Man 2 folklore qualities alone:

Brental Floss: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_7rmGlo-1U

Okusenman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeALqyjSz1Q

The song Okkusenman sounds like if Ultra Bidé got a lot peppier, faster, and made their noise sound like a screaming banshee maniac. I find it to be really catchy actually...especially the part where the singer just loses it around 1:43 in the video.

"We revive vividly memories, but now we've forgotten all that as we grew up, and we're living each day as if we're being chased by something..." 

-The Dude who sings Okkusenman


(End Note: I think Thairrie B's "Murder She Wrote" was actually a tongue-in-cheek joke engineered by either Robert Townsend or Keenan Ivory Wayans. I'm not sure if Thairrie was in on this joke or not. No data shows for or against this claim, but I have a pretty strong hunch.)