Elvis

I know you guys, the few readers I have on this thing, are saying it ... you're saying "That guy's finally bitten off a topic that's too large n' difficult for him to do." You're saying things like "Ya, his Liberace article was okay, I guess, but Elvis? No way, he can't do it. He's not good enough a writer to write about Elvis."

.... and you know something? You're probably right. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can write about Elvis. There's some topics that are reserved for good writers, you know? Not two-bit bums like me. Topics like this are for good writers.

I can't do it. I can't write about Elvis .... and now you're all like ... "I told you so!"

Ya well, go ahead kick me while I'm down, reader! Kick me while I'm down, I don't care reader! You can knock me down! You can step on my face! You can slander my name all over the place! You can do just about ANYTHING to me, reader! But don't you .... tell me I can't Write about Elvis!

I feel it, like a hunka hunka burning soul-fire almost about to erupt in my soul! I know I can do it even if you tell me I can't! Oooooooh let's go cat! Walk the dog!

Oh you can burn my house even! I won't care! Not a bit! You can steal or even eat my car! You can drink all of my liquor from an old fruit jar! You can do anything that you wanna do ... but please ... do not tell me that I cannot Write about Elvis!

Because I .... CAN WRITE ABOUT ELVIS!

Okie dokie, so, now for your reading enjoyment I now present to you Elvis in Four Persons: An Essay about Elvis.




Elvis in Four Persons: An Essay about Elvis - Index of Contents


We shall be summarizing previous Elvis research from prominent musicians in the first Three Persons of Elvis ... and in the Final Person I shall relay to you my own personal opinion of Elvis and tell you once and for always what he was Truly the King of.

Part 1: Elvis as Philosophy

Within Part 1, the first Person of Elvis, we shall look into the Residents philosophical view of Elvis by examining their popular album, The King and Eye. A look at the King in a deeply philosophical and inward manner.

Part 2: Elvis as Entity

Within Part 2 of Elvis in Four Persons, we shall examine the Second Person of Elvis one in which Elvis is regarded as Entity, a force larger than any of us could comprehend. This section shall be highlighted by looking deeper into famed Elvis enthusiast Mojo Nixon's seminal Elvis as Entity piece entitled "Elvis is Everywhere!"

Part 3: Elvis as Friend

Within the third part we shall deconstruct Wesley Willis's famous Elvis song entitled "Elvis Presley" and witness the Third Person of Elvis ... Elvis as your Friend.

Part 4: Elvis as..... ???

Within the Final Person of Elvis, I shall summarize everything we learned about Elvis on our long-winding Elvis Journey in Essay Form and relate to you Elvis's Final Person. The Fourth Elvis.





Elvis as Philosophy


Elvis, was definitely The King... but the King of what? Some folks say he was King of Rock and Roll but then there's other Elvis Aficionados who say he was The King of Truth while others think he was the King of Happiness. I recently transcribed all the spoken word portions of The Residents' highly interesting lectures on what thy ruminate he was the King of ... and here is that transcription....

This is the Life of Elvis as presented as a children's fairy story. I find it to be not only a very nice story but also a very truthful summation of Elvis in a philosophical sense.

This Story is From the King and Eye. I'm transcribing this by ear so there may be some audible misunderstanding possibly...

"Once, there was a baby and the baby wanted to be King because kings were good and kings were strong and kings were the best of everything. Wouldya like to be a King? You would huh? Well, he worked and he worked and worked so hard to be a King and never let go of it in his mind all the time... he kept thinkin' 'I'm gunna be King, I'm gunna be King I'm gunna be King' ... and he was still a baby because really only babies can turn into Kings ...  because Kings are good and Kings are strong and Kings ae the best of Everything. So, a Stranger came and the Stranger said "follow me.... and I'll make you a King..." ... and He did, and the Baby became a King.... and for one bright shiny moment... He was Happy.

Do you know who the King is? Do you? Okay we're gonna talk about the King, but y'know, I got a question first, and maybe you guys can help me with this question, He's the King of What? The King of What? I don't know either, but, if he was the King he must have been King of something important, huh? He must've been King of Something Important.... but the King of What? "The King of Caring" ... you think so? Well caring is pretty important, hmmm, you think he could've been the King of Caring? You think so? I don't know. He didn't care very much about anything except being King, so, he must not have been King of That. You think maybe he was King of Happiness? Well, I dunno, maybe so ... but you know he really wasn't very happy so he must not have been King of That. So, I don't know, he was King of Something but King of What, I dunno. 

Everybody's got a Mommy, y'know? Everybody loves their Mommy. Do you love your Mommy? Do you? Good. Well, he loved his Mama sooo much ... he loved his Mama a lot more than anybody else. He loved his Mama so much that he turned her into a Madonna and in his mind she was Mama-Madonna. Mama-Madonna... but you know sometime sooner or later your Mama's not gonna be there and someday you're gonna have to take care of things yourself. Someday, it's a long time, but Someday. So, that's what happened to Him and he didn't know what to do ... so he went and he got a Girl ... and he Worked and he Built and he worked sooo hard to make her into a Mama-Madonna, but you know what happened? She turned into a Woman. She turned into a Woman and that's not what he wanted. That wasn't a Mama-Madonna. So .... she left.... and then He was all Alone.

We're talking about The King, and we're trying to figure out, the King of What? Well, maybe he was King of Truth. You don't think so? Yeah, you're probably right. He hid away from the Truth, y'know. He hid in the dark from the Truth so he must not have been King of That. Maybe he was King of Love. That's pretty important. Well, he was King of Something ... and I think maybe ... it was Something like Love that felt like Love.. a lot of people get confused with Love ... but what it is ... is Need. Need, yeah Need. I think that's What He Was, I think, he was the King of Need ... and I think he Needed So Much, he Needed more than anybody else. He Needed so much that he made himself a King... and I think that people Needed Him... and that's why they made him a King and that's why he made Himself a King... and I think everybody that's out there listening Needs him a lot too. They've already made him a King... and they Love him and he'll always be a King... and he'll Love Them. 

...and for one little Bright Shining Moment.....he was Happy.... because Kings were Good and Kings were Strong ... and he was The King. But, then the Stranger's Path got darker and darker... and the Baby lost his way... and the Baby got Old, and the Baby got Fat, and the Baby didn't like himself too much anymore... and he Died. Yeah, but we have to never forget that he was a Baby....

...and Babies are Good, and Babies are Strong, and Babies are the Best of Everything."  

-The King and Eye, The Residents

Long time Elvis fans know the characters in the story but if you're new to Elvis the "Stranger" is the Colonel Tom Parker, and his wife who turned out to be a woman instead of a "Momma-Madonna" was his wife Priscilla.

I think I'm still somewhat-stuck in George Ade style capitalization from that George Ade article from a few months ago. I capitalized words that I found to be importanter than others whilst transcribing this fable.

Happiness, Truth, Need ....

Elvis once said this,

“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away."
-Elvis

He understood Truth, he knew you couldn't run from it forever. No one can run from the Truth. It's true, he wasn't The King of Truth. He did indeed hide from it at times for better or for worse.

Elvis also once said,

“I wish, I just wish, that everybody could know the same kind of happiness I’ve known from all this. I wish that, more than anything, with all my heart.”
-Elvis

 
He was definitely,  at some point, or points, of being Elvis ... he was indeed Happy... and he wanted everyone else to be Happy. He loved his fans, and his fans loved him.... which makes the Residents' conclusion on what he was the King Of interesting. They think he was the King of Need ... but not only on a one-ended sense. He needed to be loved by his fans in order to be Happy ... but his fans also needed to be loved by him to be Happy. The Residents conclude that this two-sided give-and-take style of Need is what made him a King. They needed someone to make them Happy and he needed... he needed more than anyone ... he needed endless adulation .... endless super stardom to be Happy ... and in turn this symbiotic relationship made him a King. He was 100% the King of Rock and Roll, no one doubts that, but I also tend to agree with the Residents that he was 100% also the King of Need.

A person can live a life of total solitude and of non-action. Never doin' wrong and never doin' right ... and to some that's what life is about. Just a humble, quiet, stess-free, existence of total non-action. It's when NEED is entered into the equation that the Human Life starts to deviate away from non-action. Once the Human starts Needing to be Loved by other Humans in order to be Happy ... Life starts to become a whole lot more complicated. Security starts to be less about eating and sleeping ... and starts to be more about being accepted and liked by other Humans.

Who Needed who more? Did his fans Need him more than he Needed his fans? It's probably similar. It's probably pretty equal in terms of the tug-and-war of Who Needed Who More in that regard. That's how Kings are born.. Mutual Need. Mutual Human Need.

They're right about his End too. He did get old, he did get over weight, and he probably wasn't as Happy in those days as he used to be. We are all gonna get old, we are all gonna stop liking ourselves, and we are all gonna one day have to take a long break from being alive and accept the undeniable Truth that we're all gonna take a long vacation to that Graceland in the Sky....

...but we can't forget that Elvis was a Baby. He was Young, Hip, Elvis at one point. That happened, it's not washed away just because he got Old, or because he got less Elvitical in Nature as time marched on and he was no longer his Young Elvis Self. He was Alive, and he was the King. We can't forget that. Elvis was a Baby ... and Babies are Good, and Babies are Strong, Babies are the Best of Everything ... but most importantly ... Babies are the Future.

Every child born has the potential to be a King.... even your kid. You look at 'em and think "What are they gonna grow up to Be?" ... will they be rich? Will they be handsome? Will they stay in their rooms all day and play video games ... and never bother nobody... and live a nice quiet life of non-action? Or will they Need to Need ... will they Need to be Happy? Will they Need to be a King? Who knows ... que sera sera, bubba .... que sera sera, bubba. Maybe your Baby'll break free for a while, maybe your Baby'll travel down the wrong path for a while. Maybe your Baby will Need some Fame and a little bit of adulation .... and maybe they'll get it ... and then maybe your Baby'll get old, n' fat, and ruminate over the past. Who knows.

But just like Elvis, you shouldn't forget that all Humans were Babies ... beautiful beautiful babies. When I see an old person ... I think to myself ... that old person used to be a baby.

Baby.

Truth ...
Need .........
Happiness ......................
KING .......................................
Oooooooooooold ..........................................................................

Baby.

That's the Cycle of Elvis in a philosophical sense. Truth be told that's the Human Cycle in an Everyone's Sense to most degrees of the average human life. We can't vilify any of these terms. Without Need he had no Happiness. Without Running from Truth he might have had no Need. Without that Happiness he could never ever ever have become King.... and without being a Baby he would never have ever been a Baby, baby.

He returned to Sender, his address was unkooooooown but he found how to get it Back. From Baby to Baby, baby.... he got it back. We remember all of Elvis not just the Old Elvis. We remember Young Elvis too, Baby.

That's even all I really try to do in life. To me, Return to Sender isn't a song about a Letter ... it's a song about Rememberin' and a song about trying to Find Yourself. Sometimes I feel all Old, and all Fat, just like Old Elvis and I don't always really like myself that much either just like Old Elvis didn't like himself all that much. I just wanna Return to Sender ... to Center ... I wanna find myself just like Elvis. If I gave a letter to the Postman, and he put in it in his sack, could he bring me back? Could that letter Return me to "Center"? Or will he just bring that letter right on back? Even if I sent it Special D ... could I re-find the old Me? I dunno.

This introspective Personage of Elvis is getting a little sappy ... come on Baby ... let's move on to Part Two right about now ... Elvis as.....Entity.




Elvis as Entity

"Elvis is Everywhere.
Elvis is Everything.
Elvis is Everybody.
Elvis is still the King.
 
Man-oh-Man
 
What I want you to see
Is that the Big E is
Inside of You and Me!"

YeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOW!

Now we're talking, Baby. We don't gotta get all mired down and bogged down in Introspection, Baby.  Elvis? Man, Elvis is More Bigger than those thoughts that mortals weigh themselves down with! Things such as Need, n' thangs like Happiness, n' blah blah blah and whatnot and what-have-ya and psycho-babble n' foo-foo doodily doodle!

Elvis was ABOVE all of that!

Elvis was BIG, Baby! Elvis according to Elvis researcher Mojo Nixon phd. was a Perfect Being! A Being who we are all attempting to Emulate to the point that One Day ALL WILL BE ELVIS! EVERYTHING SHALL UNIFY INTO ELVISNESS! All of Humans will probably MELT and we'll become this Goo ... this BLUE SUEDE GOOOOO .... a Hunka Hunka meltin' Burnin' Human Goo ... We'll ALL MELT BABY .... and when all of humanity boils itself down to this Blue Suede Goo and becomes a Gigantic Blob ... we'll all join together as One ... as One .... as One Gigantic ELVIIIIIIIS!

Elvis is not Mortal, okay? He doesn't suffer the same trivial sufferings that we do. He doesn't get all worked up and hung up about the silly trivial things we do! He's not worrying about Need and Happiness ... and if Happiness can exist without Need ... or if Need can exist without Truth.... Elvis is a Complete Larger Entity at this point moreso than a Mortal guy like you n' me.

As Mojo says, it 'aint even Evolution. Baby ..... it is ELVIS-LUUUUUUUUUTION, BAAAAAAAAABY!

As we all melt down into transcendent energy, a slop of Human Blue Suede Goo will from one leg, and then another batch of human melty blob will form his other leg, and then a hunka hunka burnin' slop will make his body, oooh and then a sloppa sloppa slimey blop will form his arms.... and then his HEAD and his HAIR and then his SIDE-BUUUUUUURNS!

....Oooooooh you know you left me! You know you left me! You never even, ever even, said even a word, baby! Never even said a word!

But wutcha gonna do when a Seven Thousand Foot Elvis shows up at your door, baby? Wutcha gonna do when a Seven Thousand Foot Elvis of Melted Humans runs wild on your house, baby?  Seven Thousand Foot Elvis don't play by normal rules anymore, baby! He 'aint going to no Heartbreak Hotel! He's a Kanpek Chojin now! He's a melty melty hunka hunka burning robot Voltron Elvis. He don't get lonely! He 'aint going to no Motel! He is Bigger than This! He is above these common place emotions that bungle our minds down!

Perfect god-like Entities don't feel the pain of the common man. They do not feel the stress of the everyday walking individual person. Elvis is not a King! Elvis is a Larger-Than-Life BEING! He's a Perfect Super Guy!

Why do we waste so much time on deep introspection on Life and its minuscule problems when we can entrust all of our problems to a Bigger Entity that we Trust and that we know will take care of us? Help us, Elvis. Save us, Elvis .... let us all be born again in the perfectest of Elvishood and of Total Elvis Light. When I go to the Casino, Elvis, please bring me luck. Don't let me lose all my money n' my chips My Elvis. My own personal Elvis, heal me n' save me, baby. Let me get a Royal Flush on the computer poker, baby. Please?

Bring me down to a Bright Light City, Elvis. Bring me down to the Promised Land. Set my human soul on Total Fire, baby. I hope in this Promised Land up there, Elvis, that there's about a THOUSAND pretty women just waiting UP THERE! Let me play a little blackajacka poker and a bit of roulette wheel, Elvis. Give me nerves of Steel. baby. It's okay Elvis, even if I just wind up broke I will remember 'til the day I die that I had the most swingingest time! Just once, just once my Elvis..... please just lemme shout out a Seven on every single shot, baby!

Not just making money though, Elvis. Not just luck on some roulette wheel. I Need you in a bigger way than that. I need someone to talk to, someone who I can just close my eyes and say "Hey, lemme talk to you, Elvis ... I know I can trust you, baby... you're maybe the only One I can."

All those people praying? Like Mojo theorizes, they are just talking to Elvis. He's that Big, baby. Soon they'll be these old blue-haired ladies going to door-to-door with Elvis pamphlets asking you to repent your sins to the Glory and Light of All that Is. To repent your Darkness to All that Is..... Elvis.

.......... but was Elvis a ...... hmmmmmm. No he wasn't. He was just Elvis. If you're that popular and cool does your Life Cycle somehow alter to something more like:

Baby.

Truth ...
Need .........
Happiness ......................
KING .......................................
Oooooooooooold.....................................................................
Baby..............................................................................................................

Entity?

I guess.... but even this new Fire-Brand Elvitical Preacher that I have become over the last little while .... part of me harkens back to a simpler time when Elvis was just Elvis.

Yeah, yeah. I know the Adrenaline and Hope that is associated with Fire-Brand Elvangelicalism is fun and intense.... but part of me can't forget the deep burning introspective questions. Yes, Adrenaline and Hope can over-run and bulldoze over mortal qualms and deep feelings of the mortal Human Guy..... but do they really go away? Do they really melt away?

I don't know.....

Needs, Truths, Hopes, Dreams, Happiness, Getting Old, Dying........

Does it is really cover that all up, all those philosophical meanderings, through its sheer fiery intensity? For a time, I guess.

Elvis as Entity in itself does become "Bigger" than the "Questions" .... but do the Questions stop existing just because something is more Bigger than them? Well, I dunno. I dunno. What do you think? You think so? Yeah, maybe. You could be right. Maybe.

Man, Elvis's Second Personage worked for me for a while.... I was bogged down in Philosophical mud by the end of the first section of this essay and Mojo's assertion that Elvis is not in the mortal world really helped me climb above that mud..... hmmmm.... but those questions are still in the back of my mind .... like an anchor.... anchoring me down. I know Elvis is Big but is he really an Entity of that beyond-mortal nature?

Sometimes questions just lead to more questions. Sometimes, I guess, I just have this suspicious mind, baby.

It's like, it's like I just get caught in this Trap ... a trap I just cannot walk out of, baby. Why? Why can't you see what you are even doing to me when you do not believe these words that I say. This 'aint a joke, baby, I mean these words. How can we go on in this essay with such suspicious minds? How can we build our common human dreams if we are bogged down with suspicious minds?

I know you don't know me in real life.... but if you did ... and I was this Old Friend who just stopped by to say "Hello" .... Would I still see the suspicions in your eyes?

Man, all these question just make more questions. We're caught in a TRAP! A trap that I cannot even walk out! Because I........... I dunno. I dunno why, Elvis.

How do We get outta It, Elvis????

Ooooooh Elvis, we tried to burn over the questions by making you Bigger than you Were, baby. We tried to make you Larger than Ever, more Bigger than Anything .... but the questions still burned inside, my friend. They still burn inside. The loneliness, the emotions.... the reality, baby. The reality of it all is hard for us sometimes, My Elvis. Are you really an Entity, baby? I can look up to the sky, wonder why, and ask you to let me win at computer poker in Vegas, baby. I can ask you to help me outta this mental philosophical trap, baby.... but in the End, baby .... can you, even?

Oh Elvis, I'm sorry Elvis... I didn't mean to place my hopes and dreams upon your already over-burdened shoulders, baby. I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry, My Elvis. 

Forgive me, Elvis. I didn't mean it, Elvis. I know you were just trying your best, baby. I know you never wanted all these people to Need you, Elvis. I guess we are all just caught in this same never-ending loop of a trap, baby. I'm just cursed with this suspicious mind, Elvis. I can't break out. I just want Happiness, Elvis. But when I try, and I try, and I work, and I work, and I try ... I just make things worse, Elvis. Sometimes I curse this never-ending Journey, baby. I do. I really truly do.

But you know something? I understand that YOU did too, Elvis. You cursed this never-ending journey probably more than I did, my friend.

You didn't wanna be a Deity, my friend. You never wanted to be an Entity, brother. You didn't. You couldn't walk out, brother, you couldn't, daddy. Oh, baby, you Loved them too much, baby. It was a Trap. The Need, The Happiness, The Truth.... it was ... it was a TRAP.

A Trap!

Oh Elvis, forgive me, I shouldn't have placed you on such a pedestal, man. You didn't want this, man. You didn't at all, Elvis, you just wanted to be Happy. You just wanted to be our Friend......

To be Our Friend......

Elvis as Friend

We are over-thinkings things, gang. We need to De-Elvis loose a bit and see the man in a more purer window. Let's look now at Wesley Willis and his assertion on the Personage of Elvis as we begin our third portion of this Essay, here-so entitled, "Elvis as Friend."

According to Mr. Willis, W.......

"Elvis Presley was a rock star

He was the greatest
He can sing his ass off
Right on brother

ELVIS PRES-LEEEEEEEEEEEE! (x4)

He is my greatest singer
He was my kind of guy
He can really rock
He can rock this place apart

 ELVIS PRES-LEEEEEEEEEEEE! (x4)

That man can sing great
That was the tone of his voice
He can really get down
He can really get in the groove

ELVIS PRES-LEEEEEEEEEEEE! (x4)

Rock over London,

Rock on Chicago....."
-Willis, W.

Unlike our two previous Elvis Aficionados this one keeps it quite simple. Elvis, in Willisian terms, was a Rock Star, his kind of guy, and due to his tone of voice he could sing great.

He's not a philosophical fable to Wesley Willis nor a larger-than-life fantastical entity.... he's just Elvis, a cool guy who could knock it out and really tear the place apart. I tend to agree with this assertion ... though not more or less than the previous two assertions of the personage of Elvis.

Elvis in the Third Person is a simple man. He liked to sing, to rock, and from personal accounts of his friends and family ... he liked to go fishing and do common stuff any other fun-loving human of the grounded world engages in.

He was really a Real Guy. Many people met him, even. Just think of some of the people who met Elvis...

Liberace met Elvis...President Nixon met Elvis....Johnny Cash met Elvis..... James Brown met Elvis.... maybe even the person reading this even met Elvis when they were young!

He was just like a guy, you know? You could like talk to Elvis and stuff. He was just a guy who was good at singing and rocking and rolling. That's all.

He could really knock it out! He could Rock it and Roll it like a Rock and Roller! He was my man in the mix! He was my greatest singer! He was my favorite person! Rock over London and Rock on Chicago! Wheaties! BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!

Elvis was our friend! He was just a guy like you and me! 

That is the reason why so many people say he's still Alive, they don't want to believe he's a larger than life entity or a fable... they consider him, even if they haven't ever met him, as their friend, who can't possibly ever not be with them. You know, maybe Elvis IS still alive somewhere.... just being all Old and Over-Weight and just drinking coffee and eating bacon-jam sandwiches. No one could ever actually prove he's not doing that right now. 

He might be playing cards with Bigfoot for all anyone really even actually knows for sure. People say they see Elvis to this very day ... 100% alive just Elvising around some town. Sure, maybe it was one of the ten million Elvis Impersonators that endlessly roam earth, but maybe it wasn't, maybe Elvis really is still Alive!

People want to think he was Elvis-this and Elvis-that... but we can't forget, ever, that this Elvis was just an Elvis!

We get bogged-down and muddied-out mentally by so many things now-a-times. We get philosophically hung-up on why he became who he was. Whether it by Need or Truth or attempt for Happiness. It is under this mental confabulation that we become placed under the grandest of collisions.... we try to climb out of these mental traps we create for ourselves.... and for the briefest of moments we find happiness through the Adrenaline and Hope we create through fire-brand soul-intensive assertions.... but, through it all, we just forget how Simple it all is.

There is a simpleness to Life to many extents. To Wesley Wills, unlike the Residents or Mojo Nixon, Elvis is a simpler man.... just a guy who could Rock and Sing. Is W. Willis and his interpretation of Elvis in a simpler sense any less interesting than the previous two assertions? No.

Elvis only becomes Elvis and the Elvinessness of Elvis only becomes supremely clear and apparent when all three of these Elvis researchers assertions are synthesized together to form a well-reasoned picture. 

The third personage of Elvis... Elvis as My Friend ... a super cool guy you can hang out with.... is as important to the full synthesis of Elvis as the previous two entries. Elvis as Friend, Elvis as Entity, Elvis as Philosophy ..... 

.... it is only with these three components tethered down can I tell you my own personal opinion of Elvis as Elvis in Part Four....

Elvis in the Fourth Person: Elvis as Elvis

Elvis was Elvis. He got up in the morning and went to bed at night. He was born in Tulepo, Mississippi in the year of 1935.

He joined the army in 1958 and for two years had no fun. While he was in the Army his momma passed away.... he became bored and sad .... and when he got home from the army he decided to really have some fun with the remainder of his Life....

He made some cool music, filmed some cool movies, made some more albums..... got some gum stuck to his shoes while walking down the street after missing the train.....  he slept, and ate, and stuff and lost some pocket change under couch cushions.

Elvis was a person. He was a Human Being. Yes, we need him to help us understand life, yes we even want him to be larger than it, and even with all that we just want him to be our friend... but in the end Elvis is just a Simple Human Being.

A human being who over his short time on earth sparked philosophical, meta-physical , and mundane notions about him for millions and millions of other humans right up to this very second.

He Needed Them.... and they Needed Him..... and even on a human-based Level...

...Elvis was a King.

The Fourth Elvis is The King.

Conclusion

I know they are making an Elvis bio-pic with Tom Hanks as "The Stranger", the nogoodnick Norwegian bloodsucker Colonel Tom Parker, and I have my doubts it'll be that good.

Tom Hanks has NEVER played a bad guy in a film. He's always a Good Guy. He's a mean-streaked guy at times like the coach from League of their Own where he yells at the pretty baseball ladies that there is no crying in baseball ... but he's a likeable character in the that film too.... by no means a villain.

To do Colonel Tom Parker .... Tom Hanks needs to really Heel it Loose, baby. He needs to actually want to be mean and bad... and at no point try to make the audience feel compassion for him. That Tom Parker is a bad man. He is. I know Tom Hanks is not used to audiences viewing his character-creations as Bad Guys and not liking the character. He's doing a Mr. Rogers bio-pic too now, and I know everyone will love Tom Hanks in that Mr. Rogers movie.... but....

Tom Parker is a bad bad man.... and if T. Hanks wants to play him he HAS TO BE A VILLAIN ... which is something he's never done before. We're used to liking Tom Hanks in film and it'll be hard for him to make an audience not like him on film..... it's going to be interesting to see the upcoming Elvis bio-pic.

I know no one wants to by personal choice, dislike a Tom Hanks character in a film. "Big" and "Forrest Gump" are such great movies.... but Tom Hanks, you have to mean to that Elvis in the Elvis movie.. You could even be looking at your next Oscar if you do, Mr. Hanks.

You gotta be mean to that Elvis, Tom.

Anyways, even if Tom Parker/Tom Hanks are bad n' mean in the movie we have to remember that both Tom Parker and Tom Hanks were once babies....

....and Babies are Good, and Babies are Strong, and Babies are the Best of Everything........

Yes. 


And thus Concludes Elvis in Four Persons: An Essay About Elvis 

History Channel: The King of Dumb-Cumentaries

I love the field of History, I always did and always will. If you don't know where ya been then how you gonna know where you're going ya dumbo? Y'Know? So yeah, I love me some old History.

One problem I have with History is that most of it is not adequately documented with concrete proof and evidence of claims and thus I find it can be speculative and romanticized at times.

Romanticization is alright because the author/producer of it usually states something along the lines of "Based on a True Story" and the audience should understand it's like 85% fiction and 15% fact ... but Speculative History on the other hand isn't usually offered up as entertainment data and the author/producer usually states it is to be taken as a truth with no disclaimer or warnings.

I find my personal hobby-related interest in Historical events is usually confined to the area of Baseball and of Hollywood Movies/Tv Shows. I know that sounds weird but as a Historian of those fields the most interesting thing about them is the amount of evidence and records those fields record. (They're not the only two fields with extensive records, mind you, these are just two fields that interest me).

With Baseball, every play for the last 100 years has been recorded and since the invention of the camera many/most/all games in MLB have been recorded with visual evidence so any claim made in the History of Baseball is usually demonstrably provable. And this is the same with Movie/Tv History because now with Youtube it seems everything ever is available to view ... so if someone claims that something was done before or some such actor invented some bit then claims of this nature can be verified 100% because all records of this field have been recorded and are available for viewing. So even though you might find Baseball History or Tv History to be of the trivial/mundane variety .... I think they are very interesting fields of History due to the ease of proving claims thanks to the vast amount of records these fields have made available.

With History in general, once you start going back before cameras, before media documentation, it starts to get a little greyer and claims are less easy to prove. You can say .... Hannibal crossed a trench with 100 Elephants .... and we'll just have to take some historian's interpretation of some ancient text as proof for that ... there's no photos of how many elephants Hannibal had .... there's no videos of it .... maybe there was 200 of them, maybe 2 of them ... maybe none at all. We can never ever know for sure since there's absolutely no proof that it ever even happened. Maybe it's just a fairy tale .... who knows. Y'Know?

At least in more modern eras, in which heavy records were kept, and visual documentation in many cases exists ... we have a good idea of History. From about the 1800s and on we have access to a lot more written data, photographic evidence, and in many cases now-a-times multi-media evidence. It's easier to understand what happened from about 1800 and on thanks to record keeping and cameras.

Nonsense 24/7

Extremely Speculative History of more modern times is still in demand however. The biggest purveyor of Speculative History is the History Channel who will offer the most asinine shows and documentaries that I've ever seen ... and they will offer it with no disclaimers or anything.

The History Channel will air Bigfoot "investigations", Aliens Live Amongst Us "investigations", Robots will Kill us All "investigations" ... and that's fine and good ... it's entertainment and all but they should have some sort of disclaimer on these things telling the viewer it's for entertainment purposes. Bigfoots, Aliens, and Robots aren't running amok, ok? These are fun little stories and nothing more.

Most of the time the media doesn't latch on to a History Channel Nonsense Fest and report it as news ... but recently a case has come up that has graced the pages of just about every news media publication ... and it's a story about a new History Channel Documentary about Amelia Earhart.



Amelia Earhart: History Channel's Newest Dumb-Cumentary

Every media outlet has picked up this story and they offer it up in the headline and in the article without any second-thought or skepticism.

The claim being made in the new Dock is that Earhart didn't crash her plane and perish but she crashed and washed up on shore of a small island where the Japanese kept her prisoner until she died. This is a pretty bold claim and they offer what they call concrete evidence this happened. The evidence in question? A photograph, this one:

??????? Evidence that Japan kept Earhart as a Prisoner ?????

Okay, that's a pretty nice photo. They say if you zoom in you can without a shadow of a doubt see the back of Amelia's head in here... let's see now:

Yeah ... okay there. The back of this person's head is being offered up as concrete evidence that Earhart was taken prisoner by the Japanese after she washed up on a nearby South Pacific island? This is pretty silly stuff to be 100% honest here.



Occam's Razor 

An opposing theory on the internet has appeared today offering up a much less assumption-laden origin of the photo. There's an origin for this photo I saw today on Brian Dunning's twitter feed where one  Samantha Adams has the photo dated in 1935 and a link to a mass produced Japanese travel book:

See: http://dl.ndl.go.jp/info:ndljp/pid/1223403/99?platform=hootsuite 

I put the caption of the 1935 book through a standard OCR program available online as to which we get the basic google translation of the OCR as:

 

The caption of the photo is along the lines of "Lots of interesting goods come via ship into this quaint little harbor".

So we have two competing theories here:

Theory 1: This is a photo where the back of somebody's head proves that Amelia Earhart didn't die but washed ashore this small island and was taken prisoner by Japanese soldiers.

Theory 2: This photo is from a 1935 Travel publication and depicts a small quaint harbor where boats come in to unload various goods.


Now, it's up to you to decide which theory makes more sense and there's two types of people in this world. There's people who will always choose theory 1 over theory 2. Why? I don't know. There's people who flat out will refuse a simple explanation and always prefer the more entertaining one. What if you pile more and more and more speculation on it? Let me make up a crazier speculative theory now....


Theory 1: This is a photo where the back of somebody's head proves that Amelia Earhart didn't die but washed ashore this small island and was taken prisoner by Japanese soldiers.

Theory 2: This photo is from a 1935 Travel publication and depicts a small quaint harbor where boats come in to unload various goods.

Theory 3: This is a photo of Amelia Earhart and D.B. Cooper re-united at last on the Falkland islands after both their daring high air escapades ended with each of them being sucked through a time vortex thanks to the efforts of Ancient Aliens, Bigfoot, J.R. Bob Dobbs, Elvis Aaron Presley, and Papa Legba who's combined secretive powers allowed each daring high flyer to escape death and settle on the Falkland islands where Amelia and DB Cooper had sex and made a baby and that baby grew up to become ...... 

..... Kurt Cobain.

 

Speck is German for Bacon Fat.

Fuck man, my speculative theory makes History Channel's speck look like kindergarten shit. Speck theories? Shucks homie, I was through with it before you even knew what to do with it. If you dopes at History Channel are gonna go Full Nonsense then go full throttle or go home. Go Big or Go Home, History. If you're gonna go full throttle nonsense then do it right. Your speculation/speck theories need I'd say about 700% more Elvis in them. Seven hundred percent more Elvis and maybe about 400% more Papa Legba ... and some Ancient Dwarfs couldn't hurt either. Speck it real good if you're gonna speck it up, baby.

Get a nice ol' fryin' pan there History Channel ... get a POUND of SPECK .... sizzle it up real good .... now you start with Elvis as the base ingredient, then you sprinkle on some Aliens (not too much just a drizzle of Aliens), the real scary aliens the Lizard Aliens I'm talking 'bout, now you let the fat coat up the theory 'til it's a nice golden brown then you cut up some Big Foot cutlets and really work the Big Foot meat in to the Speck fat theory ... really woooork it in there. Now you're cooking, bubba. Now you're cooking with heat there bubba. Now you're cooking up a Speculation reeeeeeeeal good.  

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooo-Weeeee!



Conclusion

History, if you're gonna go full deep fried german bacon fat on these theories then please just completely lose your mind. I have no problem with you H-Channel, I think you make entertaining nonsense at times.

Media, I got a major beef on how many outlets ran with this offering zero skepticism with this story. I mean this story is abso-ludicrous. You're talking big outlets running this story as fact too not just the dumb ones like Daily Mail ... I'm talking like real news outlets here doing this story.

On a serious note, Brian Dunning who has been following this story and where I got most of my info from on this has a nice new movie out that he's offering to schools for free (it's available free online as well) ... in order to teach Critical Thinking to young persons. I think this is important and since I got most of my info on this story from his site/twitter-feed I should give his work a shout out. He's doing good stuff.

Dunning's new film aimed at introducing young people to Critical Thinking is called "Principles of Curiosity" and it's free so teachers can use the material in schools for free.



(Edit July/12/2017: I stated wrongly who first linked to the photo in the 1935 Travel publication. Dunning and Gold tweet is the first place I saw it referenced that day but according to the follow up pieces that media outlets are doing on this story the person to point out the 1935 photo was this writer: http://yamanekobunko.blog52.fc2.com/blog-entry-338.html)

The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss The Most

All over the world, on the average of every 41 seconds, a celebrity leaves their mortal coil and ceases to be member of the global human community. It's a sad story, it really is. It really really is.

Death sucks. Everyone hates Death because it is universally-all-encompassingly unfair, retarded, and stupid. Dying is probably one of the top, if not the topper-most item, on a list of the worst things that can happen to a human being.

It doubly sucks when a celebrity dies because celebs are famous for the reason that they are very cool and people really like them. Like, on the other hand, when a person dies who people hate like a Gaddafi or something, nobody fucking cares because he was a fucking asshole...but when a big Celebrity Star passes on...everyone is very upset because everyone loved that shining star.

I can't even imagine what dying feels like but I bet you anything it sucks shit. It's like one moment you're all alive and bouncing around, doin' the do, slam dunkin', break-dancin', and having a blast....then the next minute...you're dead. That's some bullshit right there. That's some dumb shit is what that is. Fuck Death, yo.

I have compiled a brief list of the Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most and will now present it to any parties (if any) who are interested to know this.

The Most-Missed Deceased Stars of Yesteryear


Evel Knievel

Born: October 17, 1938 in Butte, Montana
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: November 30, 2007

How'd He Get Famous? 

At the age of eight years old, Evel, attended a automotive dare-devil show presented by Joie Chitwood and he was mesmerized by the death-defying stunts he witnessed and vowed to live a life chalk-full of insane and ridiculous craziness so that everyone who ever looked at him felt the same way he felt whilst he observed Joie Chitwood as a child. 

He made it his life's work to do crazy shit with motorcycles in order to make all the people wig out and flip for no other reason than the fact that he knew in his heart that this was the correct way to live his life.

 Yo, one time Evel jumped 19 cars on his motorcycle...

"I am the Last Gladiator here in the New Rome

I go into the Arena and Compete Against Destruction

...and I WIN.

And next week I go out there and I DO IT AGAIN!

....and at this time, civilization being what it is and all,

we have very little choice about our life,

the only thing really left is a choice about our DEATH.

And mine will be....

....Glorious"

Why did he do that shit? Why did he do shit like jump over all manners of pitfalls and obstacles? Why did this man risk his life for the thrill of death? Why did he live life so full of crazy death-defying madness? Why did he not fear death? Because he lived his life like a man who didn't give a damn, like a man who did not give a fuck, like a dude who would jump over a canyon at top speed of what probably felt like a zillion miles per hour.

Why did he do that crazy-ass shit for the 69 years he was on this earth for? 

Because he wanted to.

Why did he want to? Because he felt like it. That's why.



The Macho Man Randy Savage / The Macho King Randy Savage

Born: November 15, 1952 in Columbus, Ohio
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: May 20, 2011

How'd He Get Famous? 

Randy Savage was drafted by the St-Louis Cardinals baseball club as a youth and Randy had big dreams of being a baseball legend yet despite hitting pretty well in the minors the Macho Man never made the majors and hung up his cleats for good.

Luckily his family was in the rassling game, his father Angelo Poffo was a champion of a rasslin circuit in his youth and taught the tricks of the trade to his sons Lanny and Randy....and the rest is history.

Randy Savage had the deepest craziest voice and his trademark "ooooh yeah" and "can you dig it" was mimicked by any man/woman/child who heard it. 

Randy has the distinction of creating the most romantic event in sports history when he became the first man to marry his wife in a wrestling ring during the "match made in heaven". It occurred in 1991 and I still get tears in my eyes when watching old footage of the exquisite ceremony (narrated by Gorrilla Monsoon)...

He lived his whole life before the Nation's Eyes

This wasn't a shtick, they really got married at Summer Slam '91. The whole wide world was invited to Macho Man's / Macho King's wedding. Everyone felt like they knew him and when you know someone you always get sad when they die.

 
Randy is also famous for composing what is now regarded as the GREATEST rap album of all time,

"Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
And I'm about ready to blow
Uhhh Oohh!! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble!
Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
Ya feelin' the wrath of Macho
Uhhh Oohh! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble"

If I was a doctor or psychologist or a therapist or something like that and I had a patient come in complaining of fatigue, lethargy, depression, or general lameness...I'd recommend 100 cubic centimetres of this album STAT.

This album could pump up anyone, it doesn't matter who you are or what you are...this album'll make you feel wicked. Not just young hip cats but fucking old folks too.

I went to an old folks home this one time and I was very shocked to see all the oldoes just sitting in the dark and thinking about stuff and being boring. People think old people in these homes are on their last legs and the blood doesn't pump anymore in their veins but you're wrong. In the frail chassis of each elderly person beats the heart of a person who wants to flip out and do flips and do the funky chicken and get fucking crazy. These old motherfuckers just want to hot-diggity-damn set it off but they just can't find the spark that'll spark up their asses and make them lose their shit anymore. They wanna be young again, they wanna turn it up and turn it out to some Myron "Mother Fuckin" Floren like in the olden days. You think these oldoes were always old? No way, they used to fucking flip just like you do but now their brains and their hearts just lack the spark to make 'em kick out the jams and lose it, that's all....but it's still there somewhere....deep down in the bowels of their souls the need to get buck is still there.

Volunteers at old folks homes should do a test and play Macho Man's rap album and see what effect it has on their old brains. I bet you 80% of the time, even if they don't understand it at first, these old fuckers will get up and get down and smash some shit up. These old sons-of-bitches and old hoes'll fucking start launching their rockin' chairs around the crib and just plain power-slamming their pillows onto their beds and just getting fucked up and wild. All of those Oldoes n' Grannies will be back-flippin'.

Man, I think that movie the Wrestler with Mickey Rourke really sums up why Macho Man / Macho King is a serious and badass man. I love that scene in the Wrestler where like he's done wrestling and Mickey's working at the grocery store and he's like filling cups of potato salad and macaroni salad for these player-hating middle-of-the-road homogenized-pablum-pukin' yentas...and something just washes over him...and Mickey Rourke just stops cutting the meat he's slicing for this jabroni and he just SLAMS his fucking hand into the meat slicer and he starts like fucking SHOOTING FUCKING BLOOD all over the fucking place and people are all like "WHAT DA FUCK, GUY!?" and the middle-of-the-roadin' playa hatin' bozos are flippin' their wigs and going bananas looking at this guy shooting fucking blood all over the fucking grocery store.

That was cool.

If you really break it all down, aren't we all just walking this earth as mere Ultimate Maniacs, and ultimately in the end, all we really have is our precious Ultimate Maniacism...ya-know-what-I-mean?

It gets to a point where it really just doesn't matter.....

Ernest P. Worrell

Born: June 15, 1949 in Lexington Kentucky
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: February 10, 2000

How'd He Get Famous?

Ernest was a hero to an entire generation of people on earth, a veritable champion who represented all in which was great and good in the world. Many have gone as far to call him a modern-day Jesus Christ or a modern day Mohammad. A man with no evil in his heart nor ill-will in his conscious...a true hero and role model to all the humans of earth.

The world would be a better place if we were all a little more Ernest.

Yet in 2000, our champion was taken from us. Our go-to guy, the one each and every one of us looked to for advice, hope, and wisdom was stripped from our society's desperate clutches and removed from our world. After the initial shock passed, many openly wondered what a post-Ernest Society would be like. Could a post-Ernest society function? What would the future be like in an un-brave new world without Ernest?

Society still mourns for this Ernestless World, nay, the organism of earth itself, the actual planet itself feels that a component has gone missing from its minor core, nay-nay, the entire Universe knows a piece of the puzzle which governs the entropic-ever-regenerative life-cycle of Universe is missing in this Non-Ernest Universe Scenario.

Can society, the planet, and entropic-ever-regenerative Scenario Universe cope sans Ernest? 

I fucking doubt it.



 
Mr. Dynamite, The Human Godfather of Soul....Mister....James Brown

Born: May 3, 1933 in Barnwell, South Carolina
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: December 25th, 2006

(talk about Death being unfair...imagine dying on Christmas? That'd suck shit)



How'd He Get Famous? 

James Brown blew the roof off of shit houses, barn houses, church houses, farm houses, log houses, stone houses, and BRICK houses...all night long...all day long. Wham Bam, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, thank you 'mam.

James Brown rocked 'til he got too HOT, he rolled 'til he got too COLD, and souled all the way home...then he brought it to the BRIDGE...yeah...take it to the BRIDGE...then rocked 'til he got too HOT, rolled 'til he got too COLD..... (Times Infinity).

 Hey let me tell ya!!
Get down with my woman, that ain't right! You hollarin' and cussin', you wanna fight!!
Don't do me no darn favor, 

I don't know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!!! (yes he do!!)
Get ready THAT'S A FACT, Get ready you Mother for the big payback (the big payback!) 

Ka-Razy is a skill, man, that you have to hone and really work at to master. This man was Ka-Razy, he was the King of Ka-Razy, he was the longest-legged, the mackest, and the daddiest of the most soul-intensified variation of Ka-Razy that ever walked on the face of this EARTH. 

If you made a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich but instead of using butter n' jelly you used SOUL-INTENSIFIED FUNK on one side of the bread and FUNK-INTENSIFIED SOUL on the reciprocating piece of bread...you'd have yourself a James Brown sandwich!

Holy shit you guys, I've been saying the word FLIP and FLIP OUT a lot lately, and I'm pretty sure I stole that from Robert Hamburger...but in this case, when talkin' 'bout James Brown he used to LITERALLY make people FLIP OUT and do actual fucking BACK FLIPS because his SOUL INTENSITY boiled over. I watched this movie Blues Brothers once and the aforementioned Blues Bros went to church but inside the church wasn't some dude reading bible stuff...it was JAMES BROWN on the podium slammin' out some kicks and kickin' out some slams! And you know what? One of the Blues Brothers started to ACTUALLY and not exaggeratingly FLIP....check this shit out:

At around 1:50 he starts to actually FLIP OUT (sorry it's the German dubbed version)

Wow, talk about flippin out. Talk about thoroughly flippin' out. Did you guys see James Brown's funeral on TV? Talk about flippin'....it wasn't like a depressing lame funeral where like family n' friends look at a casket with a dead embalmed body whilst some bozo who've they've never met says some nice things about the "dearly departed"...no way, Jose....James Brown's funeral was like some kind of Block Party on Steroids where like thousands of people came to dance and FLIP OUT and go NUTS and get HOT n' get COLD n' take it to the BRIDGE, this that and everything, and then they did it all again. Did you see that shit? That was the buckest and wildest funeral that anyone ever did.

Can you imagine, like you're sooooo fucking cool, that when you die...nobody is sad...but they all meet up and FLIP OUT to celebrate how fucking cool you were? They held his funeral at an Arena that was named after him, an arena that has an over 9000+ capacity. 

Man, imagine bein' so cool that your damn funeral is held in a sold out arena named after you? That's Ka-Razy.

Should I get in the hottub should I make ya sweat? Should I, ha, get in the hot tub? I can't stand it, ha, gonna get in the hot tub, gonna make me sweat. You wanna sweat? Then get in the hot tub, come on let's break out inta a COLD SWEAT, ha, get in, hot tub, hot tub, ha, hot tub, gonna get ya hot, gonna make ya sweat, rubba-dub, gonna make ya sweat, ha.

Conclusion

  

Ya gotta live hard, you gotta live Ka-Razy, you gotta do the do, you gotta FLIP OUT, you gotta get in the the proverbial hot-tub, you gotta sweat, ha, you gotta jump over like 19 fucking cars and rap, you gotta do BACK FLIPS, you gotta get decked out in red n' white n' blue and jump the grand fucking canyon! 

What are you waitin' for? Get in the hot tub....get hot...start to mutate because it's so hot...let all the bacteria formin' and evolving around you in the tropical atoll of a hot-tub you are in do their thang...as you lie there getting hotter and hotter and then you yourself start to sweat n' evolve into a some kind of an Evel "Macho King" "Godfather of Soul" Knievel of Divine Ernestial proportions !!

Yeah.

End Note: (I wanted to put Elvis and Liberace up in here too, maybe some Dolemite, but a lot of the jokes would overlap....like I was gonna say like....

"Damn, you pablum pukin' middle-of-the-road clown...I bet you live your life eatin' bird food n' gluten free rice cakes and silly things like that! What kind of a punk is you? That fucking Elvis used to hollow out WHOLE LOAVES OF BREAD and slap a whole jar of peanut butter and a whole jar of jelly in there....and then that sunnavabitch would fill all the loaves of bread with POUNDS of bacon to flesh 'em out and then eat those sangwiches ALL DAY LAONG! That's a guy who knew how to fucking live! Holy SHIT! That's a dude who knew how to live..."

But I already did a peanut butter n' jelly paragraph in the James Brown section so it seemed redundant to have another butter n' jelly thing so I didn't do an Elvis section (which I feel shame for to leave Elvis out.))