The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss The Most

All over the world, on the average of every 41 seconds, a celebrity leaves their mortal coil and ceases to be member of the global human community. It's a sad story, it really is. It really really is.

Death sucks. Everyone hates Death because it is universally-all-encompassingly unfair, retarded, and stupid. Dying is probably one of the top, if not the topper-most item, on a list of the worst things that can happen to a human being.

It doubly sucks when a celebrity dies because celebs are famous for the reason that they are very cool and people really like them. Like, on the other hand, when a person dies who people hate like a Gaddafi or something, nobody fucking cares because he was a fucking asshole...but when a big Celebrity Star passes on...everyone is very upset because everyone loved that shining star.

I can't even imagine what dying feels like but I bet you anything it sucks shit. It's like one moment you're all alive and bouncing around, doin' the do, slam dunkin', break-dancin', and having a blast....then the next minute...you're dead. That's some bullshit right there. That's some dumb shit is what that is. Fuck Death, yo.

I have compiled a brief list of the Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most and will now present it to any parties (if any) who are interested to know this.

The Most-Missed Deceased Stars of Yesteryear


Evel Knievel

Born: October 17, 1938 in Butte, Montana
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: November 30, 2007

How'd He Get Famous? 

At the age of eight years old, Evel, attended a automotive dare-devil show presented by Joie Chitwood and he was mesmerized by the death-defying stunts he witnessed and vowed to live a life chalk-full of insane and ridiculous craziness so that everyone who ever looked at him felt the same way he felt whilst he observed Joie Chitwood as a child. 

He made it his life's work to do crazy shit with motorcycles in order to make all the people wig out and flip for no other reason than the fact that he knew in his heart that this was the correct way to live his life.

 Yo, one time Evel jumped 19 cars on his motorcycle...

"I am the Last Gladiator here in the New Rome

I go into the Arena and Compete Against Destruction

...and I WIN.

And next week I go out there and I DO IT AGAIN!

....and at this time, civilization being what it is and all,

we have very little choice about our life,

the only thing really left is a choice about our DEATH.

And mine will be....

....Glorious"

Why did he do that shit? Why did he do shit like jump over all manners of pitfalls and obstacles? Why did this man risk his life for the thrill of death? Why did he live life so full of crazy death-defying madness? Why did he not fear death? Because he lived his life like a man who didn't give a damn, like a man who did not give a fuck, like a dude who would jump over a canyon at top speed of what probably felt like a zillion miles per hour.

Why did he do that crazy-ass shit for the 69 years he was on this earth for? 

Because he wanted to.

Why did he want to? Because he felt like it. That's why.



The Macho Man Randy Savage / The Macho King Randy Savage

Born: November 15, 1952 in Columbus, Ohio
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: May 20, 2011

How'd He Get Famous? 

Randy Savage was drafted by the St-Louis Cardinals baseball club as a youth and Randy had big dreams of being a baseball legend yet despite hitting pretty well in the minors the Macho Man never made the majors and hung up his cleats for good.

Luckily his family was in the rassling game, his father Angelo Poffo was a champion of a rasslin circuit in his youth and taught the tricks of the trade to his sons Lanny and Randy....and the rest is history.

Randy Savage had the deepest craziest voice and his trademark "ooooh yeah" and "can you dig it" was mimicked by any man/woman/child who heard it. 

Randy has the distinction of creating the most romantic event in sports history when he became the first man to marry his wife in a wrestling ring during the "match made in heaven". It occurred in 1991 and I still get tears in my eyes when watching old footage of the exquisite ceremony (narrated by Gorrilla Monsoon)...

He lived his whole life before the Nation's Eyes

This wasn't a shtick, they really got married at Summer Slam '91. The whole wide world was invited to Macho Man's / Macho King's wedding. Everyone felt like they knew him and when you know someone you always get sad when they die.

 
Randy is also famous for composing what is now regarded as the GREATEST rap album of all time,

"Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
And I'm about ready to blow
Uhhh Oohh!! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble!
Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
Ya feelin' the wrath of Macho
Uhhh Oohh! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble"

If I was a doctor or psychologist or a therapist or something like that and I had a patient come in complaining of fatigue, lethargy, depression, or general lameness...I'd recommend 100 cubic centimetres of this album STAT.

This album could pump up anyone, it doesn't matter who you are or what you are...this album'll make you feel wicked. Not just young hip cats but fucking old folks too.

I went to an old folks home this one time and I was very shocked to see all the oldoes just sitting in the dark and thinking about stuff and being boring. People think old people in these homes are on their last legs and the blood doesn't pump anymore in their veins but you're wrong. In the frail chassis of each elderly person beats the heart of a person who wants to flip out and do flips and do the funky chicken and get fucking crazy. These old motherfuckers just want to hot-diggity-damn set it off but they just can't find the spark that'll spark up their asses and make them lose their shit anymore. They wanna be young again, they wanna turn it up and turn it out to some Myron "Mother Fuckin" Floren like in the olden days. You think these oldoes were always old? No way, they used to fucking flip just like you do but now their brains and their hearts just lack the spark to make 'em kick out the jams and lose it, that's all....but it's still there somewhere....deep down in the bowels of their souls the need to get buck is still there.

Volunteers at old folks homes should do a test and play Macho Man's rap album and see what effect it has on their old brains. I bet you 80% of the time, even if they don't understand it at first, these old fuckers will get up and get down and smash some shit up. These old sons-of-bitches and old hoes'll fucking start launching their rockin' chairs around the crib and just plain power-slamming their pillows onto their beds and just getting fucked up and wild. All of those Oldoes n' Grannies will be back-flippin'.

Man, I think that movie the Wrestler with Mickey Rourke really sums up why Macho Man / Macho King is a serious and badass man. I love that scene in the Wrestler where like he's done wrestling and Mickey's working at the grocery store and he's like filling cups of potato salad and macaroni salad for these player-hating middle-of-the-road homogenized-pablum-pukin' yentas...and something just washes over him...and Mickey Rourke just stops cutting the meat he's slicing for this jabroni and he just SLAMS his fucking hand into the meat slicer and he starts like fucking SHOOTING FUCKING BLOOD all over the fucking place and people are all like "WHAT DA FUCK, GUY!?" and the middle-of-the-roadin' playa hatin' bozos are flippin' their wigs and going bananas looking at this guy shooting fucking blood all over the fucking grocery store.

That was cool.

If you really break it all down, aren't we all just walking this earth as mere Ultimate Maniacs, and ultimately in the end, all we really have is our precious Ultimate Maniacism...ya-know-what-I-mean?

It gets to a point where it really just doesn't matter.....

Ernest P. Worrell

Born: June 15, 1949 in Lexington Kentucky
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: February 10, 2000

How'd He Get Famous?

Ernest was a hero to an entire generation of people on earth, a veritable champion who represented all in which was great and good in the world. Many have gone as far to call him a modern-day Jesus Christ or a modern day Mohammad. A man with no evil in his heart nor ill-will in his conscious...a true hero and role model to all the humans of earth.

The world would be a better place if we were all a little more Ernest.

Yet in 2000, our champion was taken from us. Our go-to guy, the one each and every one of us looked to for advice, hope, and wisdom was stripped from our society's desperate clutches and removed from our world. After the initial shock passed, many openly wondered what a post-Ernest Society would be like. Could a post-Ernest society function? What would the future be like in an un-brave new world without Ernest?

Society still mourns for this Ernestless World, nay, the organism of earth itself, the actual planet itself feels that a component has gone missing from its minor core, nay-nay, the entire Universe knows a piece of the puzzle which governs the entropic-ever-regenerative life-cycle of Universe is missing in this Non-Ernest Universe Scenario.

Can society, the planet, and entropic-ever-regenerative Scenario Universe cope sans Ernest? 

I fucking doubt it.



 
Mr. Dynamite, The Human Godfather of Soul....Mister....James Brown

Born: May 3, 1933 in Barnwell, South Carolina
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: December 25th, 2006

(talk about Death being unfair...imagine dying on Christmas? That'd suck shit)



How'd He Get Famous? 

James Brown blew the roof off of shit houses, barn houses, church houses, farm houses, log houses, stone houses, and BRICK houses...all night long...all day long. Wham Bam, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, thank you 'mam.

James Brown rocked 'til he got too HOT, he rolled 'til he got too COLD, and souled all the way home...then he brought it to the BRIDGE...yeah...take it to the BRIDGE...then rocked 'til he got too HOT, rolled 'til he got too COLD..... (Times Infinity).

 Hey let me tell ya!!
Get down with my woman, that ain't right! You hollarin' and cussin', you wanna fight!!
Don't do me no darn favor, 

I don't know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!!! (yes he do!!)
Get ready THAT'S A FACT, Get ready you Mother for the big payback (the big payback!) 

Ka-Razy is a skill, man, that you have to hone and really work at to master. This man was Ka-Razy, he was the King of Ka-Razy, he was the longest-legged, the mackest, and the daddiest of the most soul-intensified variation of Ka-Razy that ever walked on the face of this EARTH. 

If you made a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich but instead of using butter n' jelly you used SOUL-INTENSIFIED FUNK on one side of the bread and FUNK-INTENSIFIED SOUL on the reciprocating piece of bread...you'd have yourself a James Brown sandwich!

Holy shit you guys, I've been saying the word FLIP and FLIP OUT a lot lately, and I'm pretty sure I stole that from Robert Hamburger...but in this case, when talkin' 'bout James Brown he used to LITERALLY make people FLIP OUT and do actual fucking BACK FLIPS because his SOUL INTENSITY boiled over. I watched this movie Blues Brothers once and the aforementioned Blues Bros went to church but inside the church wasn't some dude reading bible stuff...it was JAMES BROWN on the podium slammin' out some kicks and kickin' out some slams! And you know what? One of the Blues Brothers started to ACTUALLY and not exaggeratingly FLIP....check this shit out:

At around 1:50 he starts to actually FLIP OUT (sorry it's the German dubbed version)

Wow, talk about flippin out. Talk about thoroughly flippin' out. Did you guys see James Brown's funeral on TV? Talk about flippin'....it wasn't like a depressing lame funeral where like family n' friends look at a casket with a dead embalmed body whilst some bozo who've they've never met says some nice things about the "dearly departed"...no way, Jose....James Brown's funeral was like some kind of Block Party on Steroids where like thousands of people came to dance and FLIP OUT and go NUTS and get HOT n' get COLD n' take it to the BRIDGE, this that and everything, and then they did it all again. Did you see that shit? That was the buckest and wildest funeral that anyone ever did.

Can you imagine, like you're sooooo fucking cool, that when you die...nobody is sad...but they all meet up and FLIP OUT to celebrate how fucking cool you were? They held his funeral at an Arena that was named after him, an arena that has an over 9000+ capacity. 

Man, imagine bein' so cool that your damn funeral is held in a sold out arena named after you? That's Ka-Razy.

Should I get in the hottub should I make ya sweat? Should I, ha, get in the hot tub? I can't stand it, ha, gonna get in the hot tub, gonna make me sweat. You wanna sweat? Then get in the hot tub, come on let's break out inta a COLD SWEAT, ha, get in, hot tub, hot tub, ha, hot tub, gonna get ya hot, gonna make ya sweat, rubba-dub, gonna make ya sweat, ha.

Conclusion

  

Ya gotta live hard, you gotta live Ka-Razy, you gotta do the do, you gotta FLIP OUT, you gotta get in the the proverbial hot-tub, you gotta sweat, ha, you gotta jump over like 19 fucking cars and rap, you gotta do BACK FLIPS, you gotta get decked out in red n' white n' blue and jump the grand fucking canyon! 

What are you waitin' for? Get in the hot tub....get hot...start to mutate because it's so hot...let all the bacteria formin' and evolving around you in the tropical atoll of a hot-tub you are in do their thang...as you lie there getting hotter and hotter and then you yourself start to sweat n' evolve into a some kind of an Evel "Macho King" "Godfather of Soul" Knievel of Divine Ernestial proportions !!

Yeah.

End Note: (I wanted to put Elvis and Liberace up in here too, maybe some Dolemite, but a lot of the jokes would overlap....like I was gonna say like....

"Damn, you pablum pukin' middle-of-the-road clown...I bet you live your life eatin' bird food n' gluten free rice cakes and silly things like that! What kind of a punk is you? That fucking Elvis used to hollow out WHOLE LOAVES OF BREAD and slap a whole jar of peanut butter and a whole jar of jelly in there....and then that sunnavabitch would fill all the loaves of bread with POUNDS of bacon to flesh 'em out and then eat those sangwiches ALL DAY LAONG! That's a guy who knew how to fucking live! Holy SHIT! That's a dude who knew how to live..."

But I already did a peanut butter n' jelly paragraph in the James Brown section so it seemed redundant to have another butter n' jelly thing so I didn't do an Elvis section (which I feel shame for to leave Elvis out.))

A Small Retraction Concerning Statements about Ernest

In regards to my short dissertation on Ernest the other day, I would like to make a glaring and sweeping retraction.

Article in Question: The Greatest Debate Still Rages On...

I concluded by suggesting that the Ernest character should be revived. Yet, after looking at wannabe Ernests attempt to emulate and employ the Ernest on the internet...I cannot honorably stand beside that conclusion any longer.

Example of a Pseudo-Ernest:

Ok, No. No, no, no, no, no. This man is not Ernest. This is an obvious disgrace.

I've come to the realization that there Can Only be One....Jim Varney is the only Ernest...I hereby retract my conclusion in the previous article, for it was wrong.

I admit, I was not correct, not in the least with that assessment. I feel a great deal of shame over the failure of my analytic abilities.

My new stance on the question is as so...

Let Sleeping Ernests Lie.

The Greatest Debate Still Rages on...

So much in the news these days. So much to think about and have opinions on. I think as a society we must settle old debates before venturing into new ones. We must tie up these loose ends before biting off new and more difficult debates.


First on the docket is one debate which remains open and has never been resolved, this debate in question, of course, is the Joel vs. Mike debate. It is a question as old as time itself. Weighing all of the options, the correct conclusion to this question is:

Joel

Case dismissed. Moving right along, the next item on humanity's docket of unresolved dilemmas is what many refer to as "The Greatest Debate" and I must say I agree with the designation of this query being regarded as such. The Greatest Debate which has raged on for many years is... 

...what was the Greatest Ernest film ever made?

Now unlike the Joel vs. Mike debate which is easily decided with little thought or after-thought, the case of what was the Greatest Ernest film in the history of Ernest is a whole different can of worms, Vern.

Who Was Ernest?

Before we get knee-deep into this burning question on all of our minds, let's look into the phenomenon that was Ernest for those of you who may have either been living under a rock or not born yet in the era in which Ernest was Ernesting.

Ernest was a veritable amalgamation of heavily versatile yet good-hearted stupidity portrayed by the iconoclastic actor Jim Varney.

Jim Varney was an accomplished actor of the theater (seriously), and his first big television appearance was on Fernwood 2 Night hosted by Martin Mull (side-windered by Fred Willard),

Above, he's doing some variation of a "redneck" character. I know these sort of "redneck" characters are popular now a days with the likes of Jeff Foxworthy and that Fat Boy the Cable Fat Idiot...but there's a huge difference between the likes of Jim Varney and those talentless hacks. The key being that Varney's character(s) are funny whilst todays so-called "Blue Collar Comedians" lead by Jeff Hacksworthy are not. 

Varney first developed the character we know as Ernest for commercials for various southern United States companies (ads for milk, tape, meller yellers, etc., etc.).

At some point someone realized that his character was testing very well with children viewers and the Ernest phenomenon grew wings and took shape. Much in the vein of old time 1950s acts that kids loved such as Johnny Jelly Bean or Soupy Sales, the program Hey Vern! It's Ernest was one of the big three whacky kids shows which came about in the late 1980s era (the other two being Pee Wee Herman's and briefly Al Yankovic's Saturday morning programs).

The Ernestial Explosion was in full gear. Soon, Ernest had his own special, vhs tapes, tv show, and finally MOVIES! That Ernest made a slew of exciting and efficacious Ernest films. For example (but not limited to):

Ernest Goes to Vegas
Ernest Learns Karate
Ernest in Africa
Ernest at the Theme Park
Ernest Saves Christmas
Ernest gets Motivated
Hey Vern! Ernest just Joined the Navy!
Ernest Scared Stupid
Ernest Goes to Jail
Ernest at the Improv
Ernest in Funny Munny
Hey Vern, Win $10,000...Or Just Count On Having Fun!
Ernest Goes to Camp
Ernest Rides Again
Ernest Goes to School
Slam Dunk Ernest
Ernest in the Army
Hey Vern! How 'bout that Ernest!?
Quitting Smoking with Ernest
Ernest Goes to the Park


Yet Only One Ernest Movie May Reign Supreme

Look, I understand that a lot of people "don't get" Ernest...but those people are dumb. I'll go as far (and on record) as saying that anyone who doesn't like Ernest is a Bad Person.

Ok so, for us regular normal Good Persons, I would like now to present to whoever wishes to know of it, my opinion on this long raging debate. Which was the best Ernest film?

I will only focus on five Ernest films (in the interest of time) and those Ernest films are in no particular order:

Ernest Saves Christmas
Ernest Goes to Camp
Ernest Goes to Jail
Ernest Scared Stupid

and last but least (well maybe),

Ernest Rides Again


1. Ernest Saves Christmas

Synopsis: Ernest is working as a cab driver to make ends meet this Holiday Season and picks up a man claiming to be Santa Claus in his cab. The purported Santa must find a successor to carry on the Santa torch before nightfall or Christmas will be ruined. Will Santa find a successor in time?

My Opinion: This film is not very Ernest heavy. The story focuses on other characters (Santa, the successor, and the runaway tween girl) more so than it does on Ernest. Ernest is almost a supporting actor in this film and it's a gross miscarriage of intelligence when that is the case. Making an Ernest movie which is light on the Ernest is not the right way to go.

Would you make a Yogi Bear episode without much Yogi in it? Would you make an A-Team movie without Mr. T in it (come on, why did they do that?)? Would you make an Evil Dead movie without Bruce Campbell in it (seriously why did they do this?)? It's like making a peanut butter sandwich but forgetting to put on the peanut butter is what it is and it's fairly unfathomable to operate like that, I must say.

2. Ernest Goes to Camp:

Synopsis: Ernest finally fulfills his life-long dream of becoming a camp counselor after working as a maintenance man at the camp for years. Sadly, he was only promoted because the other counselors didn't want to deal with a troublesome group of youths sent from the juvenile hall for rehabilitation. Ernest gets stuck with these inner city toughs yet he and the youths really develop an understanding and respect each other.

A villainous natural resource developer played by the always impeccable John Vernon attempts to force the venerable Chief Saint Cloud (portrayed by Iron Eyes Cody) to give him his land.

Faced with the under-handed tactics of the treacherous Krader Company...Chief Saint Cloud is left with no choice but to train Ernest and his gang of inner-city youths and instill unto them the ways of the Warrior. Can Ernest and his rag-tag troupe of diamond-in-the-rough youths act as the front-line defense against Krader, repel the intruders, and save Kamp Kikakee? Or will all be lost?

My Opinion: This movie came out around the time where I would go to Camp Jackson Dodds every summer and have zany adventures and a ton of laughs of my own. The whole camp atmosphere of the film was something I could really relate to as a youth.

The themes touched on within this film, such as Native American issues with the establishment and the difficulty under-privileged kids face in comparison to privileged kids, were a little deeper than the themes in standard Ernest films. It's a pretty deep movie, it has loads of character. Man, this movie is Punk Rock, it really is.

3. Ernest Goes to Jail:

Synopsis: Ernest is an up and coming janitor in a bank who's dream is to one day become a bank teller. He has eyes for his co-worker, the beautiful and charming Charlotte Sparrow and truth be told she has eyes for him as well.

Misfortune befalls our loveable hero when he gets called for jury duty for the trial of one Felix Nash, a dead ringer for Ernest, one might even say his doppelganger. In a flurry of confusion on a visit to the prison Nash pulls the old switcheroo on our best bud Ernest and assumes his place...while Ernest goes to jail.

What will Nash do while living as Ernest on the outside? How will Ernest cope with the harsh realities of prison life?

My Opinion: This movie is shakespearean in nature. People will tell you that the rawness of a play like Othello, with all the emotions flying everywhere, as the lead character feels fear, betrayal, jealousy and anger, amounts to an emotional roller coaster for the audience...yet Othello is not a very good play in comparison to Ernest Goes to Jail.

The emotions in this film are very raw. Rawer than Othello. Take for example when the evil Felix Nash lures Ernest's girlfriend to his nest of deceit and tries to convince her to commit the heinous act of adultery under the most unrighteous of pretenses. Jim Varney's portrayal of both the hero and villain displays his versatility as an theater actor. Many might scorn my comparison of Ernest Goes to Jail to Shakespeare but I honestly believe this to be true in all seriousness. Jim Varney is an unstoppable force of acting in this film.

4. Ernest Scared Stupid

Synopsis: Years in the past, an evil troll roamed around Briarville, Mississippi turning young children into wooden dolls and absorbing their energy. Ernest's ancient ancestor, the great Phineas Worrell, devised a method to seal the evil troll into a big ole oak tree.

Fast forward to the present and poor bumbling Ernest P. Worrell unwittingly releases the seal of the oak tree and unleashes the troll once again. The dastardly troll recommences turning defenseless children into wooden dolls and after he absorbs the spirits of 5 children the troll can unleash his army of lesser demon trolls to begin a reign of terror. The only thing that stands in his way...is Ernest and a wise Haitian woman.

My Opinion: A standard spooky monster movie, but the threat to the kids is made to feel real to the viewer. The troll is very successful at turning innocent children into lifeless wood carvings of their former selves. It's a movie that despite Ernest's antics would genuinely scare a very young child and give them some cool-ass fever-dream nightmares too. Ernest does a lot of heroic mano-y-mano fighting in this film and pulls off a sort of Buffoon Bad Ass character...once again displaying his immense range with the Ernest acting style.

5. Ernest Rides Again

Synopsis: The crown jewels of the Royal Family of England get stolen and transported in a cannon and Ernest and some geek have to do something about it.

My Opinion: I had this thing on VHS ..and I must have watched this movie like 100 times...and it sucks. I don't know why I watched it so much but I guess there was never anything else on.

The geeky doctor was played by a guy named Ron James, who's a popular Canadian comedian now. He speaks normally in this film though which is odd because in his present day act he talks like how a retarded Canadian guy would talk.

This movie is proof that the voice Ron James uses in his act is not his own voice and he's trying to "hose-it-up" so to speak to appeal to Canadian audiences. I think Ron James is going Full Hoser though and it's kind of an over-done act. I understand that Canadians have to hose-it-up to sell (even the brilliant Canadian director Christian Kole made a hoser movie once) but Ron James shouldn't go Full Hoser, and if he wants to he should put on a tuque, drink some stubbies, and send Bob and Doug a royalty cheque.

All in all, Ernest Rides Again isn't an Elite Ernest picture.

The Greatest Ernest Movie of All Time is...

Ernest Goes to Camp.

La crème de la crème of Ernest is the one where he goes to camp. There's no doubt about it.

Gee I'm glad it's rainin'
There's always something to be thankful for.
I'm awfully glad it's raining
Cause no one sees your tear drops when it pours.

And no one knows the thunder
Is your heartbreak in disguise,
They think the rainy nights
What put that sad look in your eyes.

Sure am glad it's rainin'.
The gentle rythmn soothes the pain inside.
I'm glad the stars aren't shining.
A wounded warrior needs a place to hide.

I thought I had found someone
I could count on til the end.
What they wanted was a hero,
All I needed was a friend

Gee I'm glad it's rainin'.
I hope the morning sun won't come up soon.
As long as it keeps raining,
No one knows my heart broke right in two.

I thought I had found someone
I could count on til the end.
What they wanted was a hero,
All I needed was a friend

Sure am glad it's rainin'.
I'm awfully glad it's rainin'

Passing the Torch

For those of you living blissfully unaware lives, Ernest died in 2000 of cancer. Yeah, on February 12th of the year 2000...the earth stood still for a moment as Ernest had to say goodbye to us.

People may not have realized it yet, but Ernest's passing has left a hole. The universe is incomplete without Ernest. We need Ernest.

I'm calling out to everyone in Hollywood to listen up. I'm calling out to every artist, stand up, and preformer to put down what they are doing and listen.

Someone out there has to become Ernest. Someone has to step up and accept the torch. Someone has to put on the grey t-shirt, dawn the jean-vest, and adorn themselves with the grey cap. It's not a joke anymore...Universe needs Ernest.

Now I'm not talking like when Hollywood re-booted The Three Stooges with three horrible lame-wads. That 2012 Three Stooges Movie is a punishable crime, it's almost blasphemous in terms of its mockery of comedy. Taking something as good as the Three Stooges and turning it into shit is the absolute worst thing that could to be done to bring Ernest back.

No, I'm not talking about a money-making horrible reboot. I'm talking about someone becoming Ernest. I'm talking about someone accepting the responsibility of being The Ernest. Putting the three holy vestments of The Ernest on some unfunny bozo and releasing a movie with the Ernest name is not the plan.

The Plan is to do it right. The plan is for the New Ernest to dawn the vestments and be proud of them...to put on the Ernest uniform and WANT to make COMEDY proud. I'm talkin' to you.

You, YEAH YOU! Step up! Put it on! Become ERNEST...