The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino)

Synonyms of "Heino": Exophthalmos

The flows of history are interchanging and non-static. You cannot become stuck in your ways and become stuffy in the same style. The freshness runs through the veins of past, present, and future like a freight train of energy and it causes the past to collide with the future to create pockets of "freshness vacuums" wherein is written the histories of next year. One may argue that tradition will constantly fracture and re-fracture the future's bones and bind those bones in castes in order to resist change...yet this is certainly impossible. The freshness flows like a river, and will flow around rocks and debris that stand in its way unto a fresher tommorow.

To explain this let's take an example from Germany, their albino super star, the one and only Heino. The H-Man, has been around since the dawning of history and has adapted his style to the age like a freshness chameleon. The chronologic stylevolution of Heino is beautiful and awe inspiring, coupled in with the fact that nothing outputted from Germany's muscial scene ever makes any sense, the transgressing Heino Epochs are some of the most odd data out there.

The Beginning

It's Schlager time...

...and Heino said, let there be Schlager. What's Schlager? Schlager is a type of mutagen or cheese-based mayonnaise sauce that parts of Europe use in music to create original musical dishes. For example, the Schlager Sauce when added to this Rolling Stones song turns it into...this. Obviously it's a potent condiment, and it should be used in musical dishes sparingly.

Heino is what you'd get if...you took Frank Sinatra, filled a vat or a bathtub with the Schlager Sauce, submerged Sinatra into the mutagen and marinated him for 400 years.

Heino (circa 1968) was a wide-eyed albino alien who schlagged about drinking whiskey and chilling in Mexico and various South American countries...

His first form is his most iconic form. He likes to go on vacations, get drunk, and sing songs about that. However, this style died out in the late sixties, forcing Heino to channel his freshness and ascend to his second form.

Disco Inferno

The sixties saw Germany leaving their Martin Heideggerian and Nihilistic ways, and some Germans even started to smile and dance...almost...

Look at them go in that clip, my goodness, I think one of them even looked happy for a second. Way to go Germany! The spirit of the 60's was taking shape and it was ushering in a new era, the global era of disco!

Disco fever hit the world in one devastating fell swoop...and no one was spared, certainly not Germany. The Disco Inferno that took Germany by storm was led by Dschinghis Khan, who fused the loveableness of ancient dictators with funky Disco beats.

This video has close to 7 million hits now, and I don't wanna be a "one upper" or a filthy "hipster" but its one of those things that I have the right to say "I knew about this shit before you did!"

My sister went to Germany in the year 2000, and I asked her to bring me back a Heino and a Dschinghis. She thought they were some cutting edge punk rock group (that's what I was interested in back then) and apparently marched up to the hip german record store dude and asked for "Dschinghis Khan" upon which she was scorned and laughed at. She told me not to ask her to buy cheesy garbage for me on her travels again, but is something that has garnered 7 million internet hits really garbage in retrospect?

Anyways, back to Heino. Was Schlager being pushed out the door in favor of Disco? The Schlagermen were going extinct with Disco on the horizon and if someone wanted to remain on the pop scene, they would either have to adapt or be overcome and buried by a tidal wave of leisure suits and platform shoes. Heino chose to adapt and preformed the first of his many Heino-Volutions. He threw on a leisure suit, hired some lumberjacks, and lip synched his motherfucking ass off....

It wasn't a question if Heino could handle the Disco Inferno, it was more a question if the Inferno could handle the Heino. Disco came and went (thank goodness) but Heino survived and only became more powerful.

Nihilistik Electronik Supersonik 1980s

Uh oh you guys, here comes "New Wave". The end of the 1970s represented a new era of German music. If you thought that video of Germans dancing was odd, it's because it was. They were out of their element, and Germans wanted desperately to get back into their element. They needed for the emotion to be drained out of their music and they needed it bad. They needed nihilism and they needed right then. The most iconic band of the German "New Wave" movement was Kraftwerk as shown in their "song" below...

Oh boy, nice emotion guys...you really knocked that song out of the park. Personally, I prefer New Wave Satire to actual New Wave but each his own...you know?

The above video was made many years after New Wave but sums up the genre very well. It's a great song.

Okay, what about Heino? Is he dead by the 1980s? Of course not, he's unkillable and ultimately un-hideable in every aspect of human existence. You think Heino can't cope with this shit? You think he can't make his beats all unpredictable and get down with nonsense? Think again man...Heino loves nonsense. Hell, he'll trade in his guitar and throw a moog synthesizer into the mix, change the pacing of his Blue Flower song and get all elektronik all over the damn place. New Wave better take it's notebook out because Heino is about to get down with the new age sound...the hits...the whole hits...and nuthin' but the mud flappin' hits!

I love that the Schlager high-notes survived the second Heino-Volution. aaaaah-AAAAH-AAAAH-AH.

New Wave came and it went. It tried to get rid of him, but couldn't so New Wave decided if it couldn't beat Heino to join him. Heino has now fused himself with both Disco and New Wave, his documented Music Power in this era was measured at 170,000mp.

DJ Guillermo's Watered-Down 90s Club Mix

The arrival of the 1990's meant the term disc jockey stopped meaning "a person who changes the records at the radio station" and started meaning "a person who mixes records and calls themselves a musician." I could relate to the people who fought Disco and fought New Wave in their era, because this was the shit music of my era and it wasn't very good. I liked that one Barbie song by Aqua, and I wanted to bang those chicks from the Venga Boys, but other than that this was a regrettable shift in the music paradigm.

Many leading music historians of the timeframe wondered if Heino could withstand a third flux in the freshness. Some argued that music would move into a new area of freshness that Heino would be unable to find. They claimed that Heino wouldn't be able to get down with Techno, that he wouldn't be able to make music that could make the young women of the era grind on random men like total fucking sluts.

Whoever the "some" were who argued this couldn't have been further from the truth...do it Heino:

Heino technoed-out his Blue Flower song and found a hot woman to bust it up with (thank goodness he chose a hot one, unlike his brief yet unspeakable Nina Hagen duet phase). Antonia is a fox, and because of the autotune you can enjoy her aesthetically as opposed to aurally. 

He did it again, he survived the movement in styles. He adapted and re-invented for a third time. This man is unreal. He's now been singing about how blue that same flower is for almost 40 years!

Rap? (please, for the love of god...don't.)

Did he have it in him? Could he handle rap? This seems like a stretch by all means, and I don't think anyone on earth honestly believed that Heino could pull off a transformation of this magnitude. 

Sadly, the following video is the only youtube vid of the end-result of Heino's final musical transmogrification and it gets interupted in the middle by some guy making fun of it. Do you really have to make fun of Heino rapping? Can't you just let us enjoy it? Making fun of Heino rapping is ridiculous, it's so beatifully bad that it's wonderous. It's ages of stratification, it's layer upon layer of silliness...bred from Schlager, hand woven over aeons, and now finally achieving its crystallization...the epitome of Heino-Volution....and you're gonna ruin it by poking fun at it like you're the only one who thinks this is bad? He should've just laid back and enjoyed the fruitification of decades of labor and harvested with us the Heinotables that took years to grow. Anyways, here's Heino rapping...

I had the mp3 of this for many years, and knew there was visual footage somewhere on the net. One day I found it, and it was as great as I imagined it. The girls dressed like Sir-Mix-A-Lot's girls, the kid "dancing", it's as bad as can...and then that guy has to come on and think he's funny. Making fun of Heino rapping is like poking a dead body with a stick and then robbing its valuables.

Kudos to Heino on hundreds of years of keeping himself "real." You threaten to retire every year and seem to have a retirement tour every month...but I know you're not going anywhere and I can't wait to see what you become next.

(April 09/2012 edit:YES! A NEW LIVE VERSION IS ON YOUTUBE!!!!! OH IT'S SO BAAAAD. Gives me sa beat! Are you ready for Heino?)

They gave him the beat!

His name on the side of his Shades: Vain or Totally Cool? You be the judge...

A Treatise on the Ways to Balance Yourself while You are Not in the Laying Down Position to Rest or Sleep

Balance

Our bodies evolved wrong and our spinal columns are not up to par by any means. That corkscrew of bone, marrow, and sinew has to support all your weight for crying out loud. I like to lie on my back and read or sleep but I have trouble sleeping and I only usually sleep for only 5 hours per cycle. For (24 - 5 = 19) about 19 hours per day you have to cope with your human spine and there are several ways you can balance your frame while you are up and about. The following are the methods of which you can balance yourself while you are not in the resting position which will be noted on a scale of 0 to 100.




Sitting

Cracking your neck ganglion is important

I lot of people speak highly of sitting and a lot of folks work at jobs where they sit all day. Personally, I am not that big on sitting. I have pains in my lower back when I sit for too long, I think it's from doing moving for a number of summers and pulling something of some sort in the lower back region, like a muscle or a wire or a connecting joint in there. When I sit, it's usually to chill, to eat, to drink, or to use the internet and I take breaks from sitting from time to time. If you don't take breaks your legs will atrophe and fall asleep. If your leg(s) succumb to paralysis you should swing your neck from side to side like Roberto Clemente, because all your nerves and ganglions connect in your neck and when you wiggle them around it restores feeling to your paralytic parts.

Sitting is fun sometimes

You must take into account that there are some activities you can do only when you sit. For instance to use a laptop computer you must have a "lap" and thusly you must be in the sitting position. Similarly, to get a lap dance you must also have a "lap" and thusly you must be in the sitting position (and you must have at least 10 dollars).

In most countries (excluding Japan) they use sitting as the standard balance position while taking a number 2 (or a 1 and a 2 if you are female) which is convenient because most toilets were designed to accommodate people who are in the sitting position. Be careful when sitting on public toilets because germs will get into any cuts you have on your butt...other people's poop is the worst thing to get inside your body and you have to avoid this at all times.

 Overall Score: 71 / 100

Kneeling

Try to avoid this...

Kneeling is the poorest option you can use in almost every plausible circumstance. Knees are the bane of the human body, they are just cartilage and cannot sustain any strenuous tasks or damage. I was standing on a chair once and I fell off and my left knee landed on the leg of another chair and it really hurt, and then the very next day I fell off a rolled up 14 foot carpet that I was balancing like a tightrope-walker on and landed on the same knee, and it hurt. Two months later I was running for the city bus and I slipped on some ice and the impact was mainly absorbed by the same left knee in question. Now, when I was younger I thought that I could strengthen the cartilage by repeatedly punching my knees and I thought it worked...but it didn't. You cannot make the cartilage tougher, all you can do is take all precautions to avoid strenuous pressure or direct impact to your knees.
 

Your knees are mainly for running

 A lot of people like to stump up stairs on their knees to show their devotion to their respective deity. This practice is a danger to you, and it is a danger to your knees. Your knees are just a joint that makes your legs bend so you can run and walk...they are not ever meant to be used in balancing your frame while you are not in the restive position. Expert runmen and runwomen never use their knees for anything other than the running, walking, or jogging process.

Pew Kneelers help you kneel.

Kneeling is used often (not by choice) while doing labor where you need to be at ground level but still need the use of your hands for the task you are attempting. For example, if you are changing floor tiles, it is likely that you would have to kneel and put all your stupid weight on your knees in order to accurately place the tile in the right location on the floor. Other "jobs" may also require kneeling.

Kneeling gets +5 bonus points because it gives some people employment. Manufacturers, repairers, and re-upholsterers of church pew kneelers benefit from kneeling.

Overall Score: 12 / 100

Squatting

Squatting is highly underrated. Like stated above, to use your hands at ground-level you might have to get down on your knees. With squatting you can reach ground level, retain the use of your hands, yet not damage your knees....which is a healthy alternative. 

Japanese toilets

To squat you must have strong haunches and ankles. Some people can squat with their feet completely on the ground while others squat on their toes and their heels stick up in the back...either way is okay.

In the Sitting section I mentioned that Japan does not have toilets that are convenient for sitting on, in its stead they have toilets designed for the squatting position. If you are in Japan you must be able to squat or you will have immense difficulty evacuating your bowels. The street toughs and common thugs in Japan also squat (even when not taking dumps). They squat to look tough so watch out if you see anyone squat in Japan because they are either going to evacuate a meat loaf or try and rob your traveler's cheques.

The only job I can think of which asks you to squat for extended periods of time is a baseball catcher. Catchers, such as Ron Karkovice pictured to the left, may be asked to squat for upwards of 5 to 30 minutes per half inning of play (9 or more innings * ~15 min. = ~135 minutes per baseball game).

To build ankle/haunches/calf muscles you should squat with weights or give piggy back rides to friendly people in your neighborhood.

Overall Score: 31 / 100

Standing Up

The human spine whilst in the upright position

I'm sure everyone is familiar with standing up because you do it often. People who work all day while standing in the same position (i.e. assembly line, etc.) should put a rubber mat under where they work to cushion the impact of the small movements your lower body makes throughout the day, you'd be surprised how much stress standing in the same spot puts on your bones and spine...and only employers who are cheap fucking assholes will not buy those fucking rubber mats. 

You should take time as often as possible to stretch your joints throughout the day and to crack and throw your neck around from side-to-side like Clemente or even press your palm or knuckle into the side of your neck (like Bruce Lee or Piccolo off of Dragon Balls does) until you hear that satisfying cracking sound to ensure optimum flexibility and elasticity of your neck's ganglion.

Standing is boring.

Overall Score: 33 / 100

Standing While on a Non-Flat Surface with an Inclined Angle

Oblique angles are pretty good.

This is hard. You will encounter this often if you are a mountain climber, a roofer, or someone who climbs up roofs at night to look at the world from different oblique angles. Looking at things you see at ground level all day from an alternate oblique angle is a great and fulfilling human activity but you must always exercise caution and safety while standing on angled surfaces (especially at great heights).

To stand on non-flat surfaces properly you must proportion the gravity and the angle with your body and be aware of what angle your body is on and mentally re-proportion yourself while you go up or down the incline or stand at different degrees on the angle. You must also remember to wear shoes which have soles with a good grip, or even take a staple gun and go inside your shoes and shoot staples through the inside of your shoe so the prongs of the staples stick out the soles of your shoes (but the latter is not necessarily unless the roof is really icy).

Overall Score: 57 / 100

Leaning on Something

Leaning on something is hands down the best method of balancing yourself while not laying down. What you are doing is standing but putting the gravity, and thusly the work, onto an inanimate object. The beauty of leaning on something is that you can lean on just about anything. For example, if you cannot find a seat on the bus you should lean on anything that is not a person.

"malacca" is Greek for "a nice guy."

A lot of old folks and flamboyant street hustlers these days carry an object around with them so they are never without something to lean on. These objects are "walkers" or "canes", which can differ in style from malacca to pimp varieties. They work as a third leg which offers you more resistance against the horrible force of gravity which pulls you towards the center of the earth as our planet shoots through space on an constant axis at nose bleed speed. You must fight gravity at all times while you are not in the standard resting position and tools such as these are valuable in this never ending battle between matter and anti-matter.

Leanin'

The best thing about leaning is that you look cool while you do it. Take the photo to our left of the Ramone brothers standing in their leathers up against a wall. They are battling the evil forces of gravity effortlessly thanks to the wall, yet they remain looking bad and tough in case a group of chicks walks by. 

The only downside to leaning is that some objects are dangerous to lean on. If you are on a hotel sky rise suite and are out on the balcony frying up some weenies you should inspect the guard rails prior to leaning on them.

Overall Score: 91 / 100

Conclusion:

Gravity keeps us stuck on our space rock as it hurdles through the universe, which is great, but it also keeps us down and we must counter act it by any means necessary. The best and most stylin' way (hands down) to deal with gravity is to lean on something. 

What should you lean on? Well, If you are an inner-city youth you should lean on J.L. Clark, if you are not strong then you should lean on Bill Withers. All in all, if you should find yourself feeling pain or spinal stress while up and about during your daily tasks just look to your left or right and I bet there will be an adequate object to lean on. 

....oh and remember to alternate your lead leanin' foot at times. Most people focus most of their weight on one foot while leanin'...but you must alternate your lead leanin' foot!