Short Stories over the decades:

The Swamp-
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The Journey
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

And,
The Ballad of Turkey

And, added to that list has recently been:
Lights Out.......

As Well as....
The Golden Greek Goes Upstairs and The Thrilling Conclusion to that story!!

Oh and let's add to the list: The Haunted House
Vol. I
Vol. II

New One: *NEW* A Spring Story *NEW*
Vol. II
Showing posts with label make money by doing nothing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label make money by doing nothing. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino)

Synonyms of "Heino": Exophthalmos

The flows of history are interchanging and non-static. You cannot become stuck in your ways and become stuffy in the same style. The freshness runs through the veins of past, present, and future like a freight train of energy and it causes the past to collide with the future to create pockets of "freshness vacuums" wherein is written the histories of next year. One may argue that tradition will constantly fracture and re-fracture the future's bones and bind those bones in castes in order to resist change...yet this is certainly impossible. The freshness flows like a river, and will flow around rocks and debris that stand in its way unto a fresher tommorow.

To explain this let's take an example from Germany, their albino super star, the one and only Heino. The H-Man, has been around since the dawning of history and has adapted his style to the age like a freshness chameleon. The chronologic stylevolution of Heino is beautiful and awe inspiring, coupled in with the fact that nothing outputted from Germany's muscial scene ever makes any sense, the transgressing Heino Epochs are some of the most odd data out there.

The Beginning

It's Schlager time...
...and Heino said, let there be Schlager. What's Schlager? Schlager is a type of mutagen or cheese-based mayonnaise sauce that parts of Europe use in music to create original musical dishes. For example, the Schlager Sauce when added to this Rolling Stones song turns it into...this. Obviously it's a potent condiment, and it should be used in musical dishes sparingly.

Heino is what you'd get if...you took Frank Sinatra, filled a vat or a bathtub with the Schlager Sauce, submerged Sinatra into the mutagen and marinated him for 400 years.

Heino (circa 1968) was a wide-eyed albino alien who schlagged about drinking whiskey and chilling in Mexico and various South American countries...



His first form is his most iconic form. He likes to go on vacations, get drunk, and sing songs about that. However, this style died out in the late sixties, forcing Heino to channel his freshness and ascend to his second form.

Disco Inferno

The sixties saw Germany leaving their Martin Heideggerian and Nihilistic ways, and some Germans even started to smile and dance...almost...




Look at them go in that clip, my goodness, I think one of them even looked happy for a second. Way to go Germany! The spirit of the 60's was taking shape and it was ushering in a new era, the global era of disco!

Disco fever hit the world in one devastating fell swoop...and no one was spared, certainly not Germany. The Disco Inferno that took Germany by storm was led by Dschinghis Khan, who fused the loveableness of ancient dictators with funky Disco beats.


This video has close to 7 million hits now, and I don't wanna be a "one upper" or a filthy "hipster" but its one of those things that I have the right to say "I knew about this shit before you did!"

My sister went to Germany in the year 2000, and I asked her to bring me back a Heino and a Dschinghis. She thought they were some cutting edge punk rock group (that's what I was interested in back then) and apparently marched up to the hip german record store dude and asked for "Dschinghis Khan" upon which she was scorned and laughed at. She told me not to ask her to buy cheesy garbage for me on her travels again, but is something that has garnered 7 million internet hits really garbage in retrospect?

Anyways, back to Heino. Was Schlager being pushed out the door in favor of Disco? The Schlagermen were going extinct with Disco on the horizon and if someone wanted to remain on the pop scene, they would either have to adapt or be overcome and buried by a tidal wave of leisure suits and platform shoes. Heino chose to adapt and preformed the first of his many Heino-Volutions. He threw on a leisure suit, hired some lumberjacks, and lip synched his motherfucking ass off....


It wasn't a question if Heino could handle the Disco Inferno, it was more a question if the Inferno could handle the Heino. Disco came and went (thank goodness) but Heino survived and only became more powerful.

Nihilistik Electronik Supersonik 1980s

Uh oh you guys, here comes "New Wave". The end of the 1970s represented a new era of German music. If you thought that video of Germans dancing was odd, it's because it was. They were out of their element, and Germans wanted desperately to get back into their element. They needed for the emotion to be drained out of their music and they needed it bad. They needed nihilism and they needed right then. The most iconic band of the German "New Wave" movement was Kraftwerk as shown in their "song" below...


Oh boy, nice emotion guys...you really knocked that song out of the park. Personally, I prefer New Wave Satire to actual New Wave but each his own...you know?




The above video was made many years after New Wave but sums up the genre very well. It's a great song.

Okay, what about Heino? Is he dead by the 1980s? Of course not, he's unkillable and ultimately un-hideable in every aspect of human existence. You think Heino can't cope with this shit? You think he can't make his beats all unpredictable and get down with nonsense? Think again man...Heino loves nonsense. Hell, he'll trade in his guitar and throw a moog synthesizer into the mix, change the pacing of his Blue Flower song and get all elektronik all over the damn place. New Wave better take it's notebook out because Heino is about to get down with the new age sound...the hits...the whole hits...and nuthin' but the mud flappin' hits!




I love that the Schlager high-notes survived the second Heino-Volution. aaaaah-AAAAH-AAAAH-AH.

New Wave came and it went. It tried to get rid of him, but couldn't so New Wave decided if it couldn't beat Heino to join him. Heino has now fused himself with both Disco and New Wave, his documented Music Power in this era was measured at 170,000mp.

DJ Guillermo's Watered-Down 90s Club Mix

The arrival of the 1990's meant the term disc jockey stopped meaning "a person who changes the records at the radio station" and started meaning "a person who mixes records and calls themselves a musician." I could relate to the people who fought Disco and fought New Wave in their era, because this was the shit music of my era and it wasn't very good. I liked that one Barbie song by Aqua, and I wanted to bang those chicks from the Venga Boys, but other than that this was a regrettable shift in the music paradigm.

Many leading music historians of the timeframe wondered if Heino could withstand a third flux in the freshness. Some argued that music would move into a new area of freshness that Heino would be unable to find. They claimed that Heino wouldn't be able to get down with Techno, that he wouldn't be able to make music that could make the young women of the era grind on random men like total fucking sluts.

Whoever the "some" were who argued this couldn't have been further from the truth...do it Heino:


Heino technoed-out his Blue Flower song and found a hot woman to bust it up with (thank goodness he chose a hot one, unlike his brief yet unspeakable Nina Hagen duet phase). Antonia is a fox, and because of the autotune you can enjoy her aesthetically as opposed to aurally. 

He did it again, he survived the movement in styles. He adapted and re-invented for a third time. This man is unreal. He's now been singing about how blue that same flower is for almost 40 years!

Rap? (please, for the love of god...don't.)

Did he have it in him? Could he handle rap? This seems like a stretch by all means, and I don't think anyone on earth honestly believed that Heino could pull off a transformation of this magnitude. 

Sadly, the following video is the only youtube vid of the end-result of Heino's final musical transmogrification and it gets interupted in the middle by some guy making fun of it. Do you really have to make fun of Heino rapping? Can't you just let us enjoy it? Making fun of Heino rapping is ridiculous, it's so beatifully bad that it's wonderous. It's ages of stratification, it's layer upon layer of silliness...bred from Schlager, hand woven over aeons, and now finally achieving its crystallization...the epitome of Heino-Volution....and you're gonna ruin it by poking fun at it like you're the only one who thinks this is bad? He should've just laid back and enjoyed the fruitification of decades of labor and harvested with us the Heinotables that took years to grow. Anyways, here's Heino rapping...


I had the mp3 of this for many years, and knew there was visual footage somewhere on the net. One day I found it, and it was as great as I imagined it. The girls dressed like Sir-Mix-A-Lot's girls, the kid "dancing", it's as bad as can...and then that guy has to come on and think he's funny. Making fun of Heino rapping is like poking a dead body with a stick and then robbing its valuables.

Kudos to Heino on hundreds of years of keeping himself "real." You threaten to retire every year and seem to have a retirement tour every month...but I know you're not going anywhere and I can't wait to see what you become next.

(April 09/2012 edit:YES! A NEW LIVE VERSION IS ON YOUTUBE!!!!! OH IT'S SO BAAAAD. Gives me sa beat! Are you ready for Heino?)



They gave him the beat!

His name on the side of his Shades: Vain or Totally Cool? You be the judge...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Turning the Horribly Mundane into something in which the Badness is of As Can...

(Or how they took something Boring and made it Awesome)


Let's be honest, life itself gets pretty boring sometimes...you get up in the morning each day and go to work or school and pass the time, talk to your coworkers or classmates, daydream, hum to yourself, then go to bed at night (cycle reversed for night shift workers obviously). Turning something very boring into something fun is a co essential art within itself, you gotta drain the boring out of a situation, just like draining sap from a tree, where some inventive individual can then boil it and add sugar to make that sap palatable for human consumption. Similarly, inventive individuals can drain the boring out of situational day-to-day activities and dress it up using the most elaborate of shticks to create something that will in essence rock your trousers or drawers (or socks) off.

Let's take two television shows in particular that excel in this boredom draining method....


Iron Chef (the good one not the crappy one)

Ryōri no Tetsujin was a cooking show which tore the place down from 1992 until 2002.

A monster truck rally or a rock and roll concert are inherently awesome and hard to be boring...but a cooking show? To make a cooking show awesome takes absolute and resolute human ingenuity. I don't even know how to describe what makes it so awesome, take the intro for example, it's mythical and legendary. It's a legend but it's not happening thousands of years ago but right in front of your eyes.

animated if clicked
That guy in the end of the intro from the link above is the heart and soul of the show...he is Chairman Kaga, he takes the ham and cheese sandwich acting style of William Shatner yet multiplies said ham by somewhere over 9000% and the resulting product is without any doubt...too hot to handle. Whether the Chairman is entering the arena on a snow-white steed or crushing wine glasses and bleeding all over the place in disappointment over his Iron Chefs, Kaga is always without peer. If a global planetary governor is ever elected to govern all peoples of the world, Chairman Kaga is the only person who could possibly be considered.

animated if clicked
The Americans made two attempts at recreating this awesomery...the first time they used Kaga's Western counterpart himself, William Shatner, but the show did not catch on. They made a horrible second attempt which sadly did catch on. The show featured jobbers and fools and was hosted by a moron. They purported that Rachel Ray was an Iron Chef, Rachel Ray was an insult to the Iron Chefs and has ruined the glorious name of Iron Chef and spoiled the monicker for future generations.




Defi Mini Putt (RDS)


Expert advice from the Legend...
Défi Mini Putt was the greatest show on TV for a brief stretch in time back in the early nineteen nineties (1990's) which aired on Quebec's sports network.

Taking a cooking show and making it awesome is hard...but mini-putt? That doesn't take absolute/resolute human ingenuity...no no no...to make mini-putt awesome takes a deep concentration of pure human awesomeness in itself. Thankfully two men involved with the show, announcer Serge Vleminckx and puttsman extraordinaire Carl Carmoni had the inner-shutzpah in their respective souls to turn the sucker out.

Serge's narration of the transpired actions of the putters is what makes it what it is, from his trademark "Birdie!" exclamation to his unheard of excitement over mini-putt, this man is the real deal and should have been given better jobs at RDS (i.e. doing Montreal Canadiens games). Please watch the following video to get a taste of his technique and also live the unbridled intensity of the Legend Carl Carmoni...



Conclusion

An ancient Chinese proverb says that "Loneliness is a slow acting but deadly poison," I would venture to say that boringness is also a poison in its own right, but not one that can kill you, but one that simply drains the life out of you slowly, rendering your blood into heavy gray-matter and reducing you to a zombie-esque state of mind.

Yet one must ask, how could we ever know true awesomeness if true boringness never existed? Awesome is only awesome in comparison to its mortal enemy. Do they not go hand-in-hand? Could we ever know what was awesome if nothing was boring? Your mind must begin to travel when contemplating these concepts. Would there be happy...without sad? Would there be a concept of light...without darkness? Would there be rich...if there was no poor? Would there be heaven...if there was no earth? How could we live Life, if we didn't know Death was inevitable? Right with no Wrong? Come on.

The Ying Yang symbol in Taoism tries to represent this concept of negation in it's simplest terms. In our current topic, Boringness is the plain white dot in the midst of all that awesome black matter which is trying to counter act it, while Awesomeness is the black dot in the midst of that boring white matter trying to counter act it. Together they counter act each other so effectively in such a pleasant unison that they achieve total harmony and balance. Wow.



It's like something dark against something light...something movin' in the pale moon light...something dark against something light...something movin' in the pale moon light...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Irony

Looking into Google Adsense for a day now the ironic thing about it seems that the best way to make money with Google Adsense is to write a blog about Google Adsense.

The statistics they record for you are "unique page impressions" which means your site's traffic, "clicks" which means how many times people have clicked on the ads on your site, and your "effective CPM" which is described as follows...

"Effective CPM doesn't represent how much you have actually earned -- rather, it's calculated by dividing your estimated earnings by the number of page impressions, then multiplying by 1000. For example, if you earned an estimated $0.15 from 25 page impressions, then your page eCPM would equal ($0.15 / 25) * 1000, or $6.00. If you earned an estimated $180 from 45,000 ad impressions, your ad eCPM would equal ($180 / 45,000) * 1000, or $4.00."

That shit's intense!
All this being said, you get the most money from when people click on the stupid ads. In all seriousness have you ever clicked on an internet ad. Me? I remember when they made those game ones a few years ago where a target would move over O.J. Simpson's head and when you clicked it you got whisked away somewhere but other than that I've NEVER clicked on an internet ad. The only time that they get me to click on them now is when your held at gun point to do so, like say you wanted to get that great game Photoboy for the TurboGrafx 16, the ROM dealers will make you fill out 6 surveys and click on 5 ads before you can navigate your way out of the maze and they allow you to get to the download link.

Now that being said, who aaaaaaare these people who are clicking on internet ads? It's those people who go into the google and search for things like..."how to make money online," "make money from home," "how do I get the free monies?"....those are the ONLY people on earth who click ads. Guess what? Each ad niche on Adsense is given a price multiplier as well, for instance ads about food give you X monies per click and ads about music give you Y amount of money per click, and what are the ads that net you by far the most internet money per click? Ads about making money online! It's a cycle of ironic stupidity.
Hey Guy! Click the Target and Get all Rich!

You then throw your RSS feed on StumbleUpon, Tehcnocrati, Digg, and other venues and tag your blog with labels about making some money...and low and behold you are gonna get the hits and nothing but the hits.

If I continue updating this blog, I guarantee you the only blog update that ever has a good chance of raking in any good amount of free internet money is this scam one you are reading right now.