2nd Annual Twitter Awards

Almost a year ago I wrote about Twitter Feeds that I think are entertaining. I gave out three awards: a Bronze, a Silver, and a Gold.

I'm gonna do it again. Why? Well, because it is Sunday night and I am bored ... but also ... with the Olympics on it reminded me that I handed out medals for tweeting once in this blog ... so let's do that again ... why not?

I'm not really into the political end of Twitter too much which can be a mine field of difficulty to navigate through, so my awards, like last year, are for ENTERTAINING feeds only.

To qualify you need two things:
 
A) Be Entertaining
B) Have Good Reach

Reach just means that you're famous, basically. I think there's funny people on Twitter at times but they are not Omni-Famous enough to include in an Awards article.

Last year the Medals went to:

BRONZE MEDAL: George Wallace
SILVER MEDAL: The Iron Sheik
GOLD MEDAL: Mr. T


You can read last year's Twitter Awards: Here


I have it narrowed down to Five Finalists for this year's awards, the finalists are in no particular order:

Mr. T (Incumbent Champion)
Iron Sheik 
George Wallace
Norm MacDonald
Jose Canseco


Runners Up

Canseco, Jose

Alright so our first runner-up, in Fifth place, is Jose Canseco ... who I worked into the article last year but did not earn a medal. This year, again, he's in the article but not in the medal seeds. Jose Canseco had some ups and downs on the twitter box this season.

He had some funny tweets during the World Series but his year was memorable more so due to a FIRE STORM of negative publicity over a joke he wrote.

I saw the tweets, and personally, I didn't find them to be that bad. They were OBVIOUSLY jokes ...and I actually find it scary that some dumb joke someone writes can lead to 100 negative articles in the press (within an HOUR of the person writing the joke) ... and people can end up losing their job (he lost his media job he had with the A's).

The jokes were some things along the lines of (paraphrased):

"Hey, I've been felt up and harassed by like hundreds of women and I didn't care ..."

" All these guys getting in trouble with women are all butt ugly politicians. I think women are racist against ugly dudes..."

There was NO QUESTION that these statements should be filed under the Joke Column. These are legit jokes. If you read things like that and take it 100% serious ... you're probably taking life too seriously. When you read things on the internet ... just ask a few questions before freaking out ... ask "is this a joke?" or "should I take this seriously?"

If the statements appear to be a joke ... then give it a pass ... and save your outrage for the next thing that comes into your feed, okay?

These Canseco tweets were definitely oozing with machismo and I can see how, in the times we live in right now, how they brewed up a storm of indignation ... but in the end it's easy to see these were jokes.

Alright, let's move on to the next runner up,

...The Iron Sheik.

Sheik, Iron

Sheik, strolls in at fourth this year, down from his stellar Silver from last year. He had some good offerings this year including top notch tweets such as...

"Yeah, sex is cool .... but have you ever broken somebody's neck?"

...amongst other prime offerings.

I kind of gave Sheik the Silver as more of a Life Time Achievement Award last year. He's been hammering the twitter box for a decade now and needed recognition. Pound for pound, and all things considered, Iron Sheik is the greatest tweeter of all time ... but as for this year he clamped down 4th place overall.

Another wrestler who almost made it on here was the highly controversial tweeter and former wrestling super star Virgil ... who is freakin' hilarious at twitter but I understand how that feed could offend people. Virgil's current shtick is that he's poor. No joke, that's his whole persona now, his whole gimmick is that he's a poor man. Virgil will tweet about how much he likes free bread sticks at Olive Garden or how flummoxed he was that the sleeping bag repairman wanted eight dollars to fix the zipper on his favorite sleeping bag. It's .... not for everyone.

WWF LEGEND!

Like Canseco's feed though, I get that the Virgil feed is a joke, y'know? I understand in real life Virgil isn't asking women to buy him Olive Garden pasta, or asking his alleged estranged bastard sons to send him thirty dollars and a few Stouffers frozen lasagnas, or doing any of these absurd things. I know Virgil is doing an act ... and yes it is sort of offensive ... but in the end it's just an act.

I've heard in interviews that even in his wrestling days the "Virgil" character was the most hated heel in history in the eyes of African American wrestling fans. Virgil in interviews has said, if he was wrestling a venue in the 80s/90s which was in a prominently African American town  ... he'd just be pelted with garbage from start to finish. African American wrestling fans HATED Virgil more than any other wrestler in history.

So, even though the feed is legit funny, Virgil misses out on even the making the Top 10 of tweeters, because although the act is god damn hilarious ... it's a little raw. On top of it all, Virgil doesn't meet the "reach" standards either as he's not really Omni-Famous or even Super-Famous, really.

The guy even lost his blue check mark last month or so. I was following what led up to him losing his blue check mark. It was sooooooo freaking funny. There was some mix up or confusion over twitter feeds in which some people in jolly old England seemed to think the "at real virgil" feed was for some footballer guy ... and oh my gosh ... confusion was so abounds. It was just so much confusion ... oh my. He didn't do anything wrong though. It was just a simple mix up is all, mateys. It was all but a simple mix up, mateys.

Ok so, Jose Canseco and the Iron Sheik are our runners up this year. LET'S GET TO THE REAL MEDAL PODIUM NOW!



Twitter Awards Portion of this Article

BRONZE MEDAL: Mr. T

Entertainment Genre: Helluva Tough
Favorite "Feud": N/A

The Man is No Stranger to Ice

Last year's Gold Medalist, Mr. T, is on the medal podium again this year in the Bronze position. Mr. T has taken a genuine interest in Curling of late, and from this recent CBC article and interview with him, it's not a lark ... the guy is into Curling ... big time.

See:

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/asithappens/as-it-happens-friday-edition-1.4538952/controlled-mayhem-mr-t-talks-about-his-love-of-curling-on-as-it-happens-1.4539621

This Curling fad isn't going away and someone's gotta harness this wild goat known as Curling and really make something with it. I really think that if you put together the modest success of Mixed Curling (co-eds) at the Olympics with all the celebrities tweeting about Curling ... you'd be on to something ... and that something is ... Celebrity Mixed Curling. If you could even see how good this show is as it plays out in my thoughts/hopes/dreams ... you'd freak. Celebrity Mixed Curling (One Male Celeb + One Female Celeb teams participating in a round robin Tournament of Champions) would be a SMASH HIT ... believe me!

I mean, celebs tweeting about Curling is not limited to Mr. T either ... I've seen many (although probably 60% are from Canada) ... so if a network is serious about Celebrity Mixed Curling ... don't hesitate ... this fad won't last forever ... get that good stuff on the AIR. I'd watch EVERY SECOND OF IT.

It's fun. It's like Tactical Ice Bowling or Cold Bocce Ball or maybe Ice Stone Chess. If you add celebrities to this Curling business ... forget about it ... It'd be such good TV.

Just picture Mr. T with a Celebrity Mixed Curling Trophy .... I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense ... but it does. It truly does. Trust me.



SILVER MEDAL: Norm MacDonald

Entertainment Genre: Sand Box
Favorite "Feud": w/ Margaret Atwood (runner up: Joyce Carol Oates)

Iconic Novelist Norm MacDonald's feed is hard to pigeon hole into a genre ... I really think he looks at Twitter as a big sand box to test out writing ... or to narrate golf ... or to spin odd yarns ... or to wax nostalgic about memories past. Sometimes he'll just delete his whole feed and start again akin to messing up the sand in the sand box and starting fresh.

He writes short stories at times, which are pretty good. He detailed a pretty interesting and entertaining romanticized version of Quebec's History from 1960 to 1980 a few months ago which is not really standard fare for the tweeting sphere but it was pretty good and interesting.

This guy knows stuff. When David Letterman was on Norm's podcast, Dave said Norm is like the most clever guy around. Dave is right ... he is pretty smart this guy. He got to the million dollar question on Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, even.

His "feuds" on the platform aren't standard fare either ... I mean he doesn't go after easy targets or jabronies ... he critiques literary icons. He doesn't do it often, but he'll lay a critique down on Joyce Carol Oates or somebody in a blue moon. He can be blunt with his literary critiques at times. Recently he referred to Margaret Atwood's prose as being of the "sweaty" variety. Margaret Atwood, creator of the hit show The Handmaid's Tale is a very good writer and an Iconic Novelist herself ... but Norm might be right ... I mean, there is a hint of sweatiness to her prose ... there really is. It cannot be denied.

Now before we get ahead of ourselves here reader, yes both names in his feuds list above are female ... but that's not to suggest he has an issue with female writers. Norm is on record, many times, stating that the great Alice Munro is his favorite author. So, his critiques of Joyce Carol Oates and of Margaret Atwood are purely critiques of writing only ... nothing more and nothing less.

Norm MacDonald has stated that his second novel is on the horizon which many a literature enthusiast is surely looking forward to. There's only so many humans on earth who can be regarded as Iconic Novelists and he is definitely one of them.


GOLD MEDAL: George Wallace
Entertainment Genre: Comedy
Favorite "Feud": N/A

Mr. Wallace's wide ranging humorous tweets as well as his exceptional feud with Charles in Charge star Scott Baio landed him the Bronze last twitter season ... but this year he's leap frogged into the pole position. Why? It's hard to explain but this man just has the format DOWN.

Twitter is a medium of short burst information snippets. It's actually a hard medium to be funny on. The reason I think George Wallace has it down is that his persona and his familiarity come across in his tweets. I really think he's mastered the medium of writing short text messages in hopes of creating humor in the twitter format.

It's hard to build rapport with an audience in any format ... but limited to just pushing keys on a keyboard and making strings of words which are read by people on their computer screens or phones ... it's very very hard to create that rapport. You need a pre-existing character that everyone knows (so they can read the text in the voice of that character) and you need some sort of familiarity with the audience.

Since he's a famous stand up comedian the audience reads the jokes in his voice and through the use of exhaustive leitmotifs and signature finishers ... he has that familiarity with the audience. You know in 85% of his tweets that you're gonna get a whatnot ... you know he's gonna get a whatnot in there somewhere.

I think I know what's so good about "whatnot" ... I've figured it out. I used to end all of my sentences with "....and shit" because I really believed that any sentence in the english language is improved if it ends with "....and shit."

I'd put that on like anything ....

"I'm going to the store ... and shit"
"You need something at the store? I'm gonna go down there ... and shit"
 "Hey dere, I'm gonna head on down to that store dere, ya want some smokes and shit?"
"Oh hello, I haven't seen you in a while, how's it goin' and shit?"

Every sentence in english is a better sentence if it ends with "and shit" ... but you can't use it 100% of the time. Like, you can't be with your Grandma and be like "Oh, hey grandma this is a pretty good chicken sandwich and shit!" ... you can't say that ... there's times where you can't work with "and shit" ... so what's the SECOND best word to end sentences with if you have to omit "and shit?"


It is "and whatnot." It is. It really really is. Look:

"I'm going to the store ... and whatnot"
"You need something at the store? I'm gonna go down there ... and whatnot"
 "Hey dere, I'm gonna head on down to that store dere, ya want some smokes and whatnot?"
"Oh hello, I haven't seen you in a while, how's it goin' and whatnot?"

See? If you've over done "and shit" or you can't use "and shit" because your grandma is there or you're working in like customer service or some shit and whatnot .... switch out "shit" for "whatnot" and it is almost a seamless transition. It really is, right after "and shit",  I think "and whatnot" is the best thing to flow off a sentence with.

 Let's take a sample George Wallace tweet now:

This guy has it DOWN. Reader, if you're not big on social media and think things like, "hmmm, I don't know how to tweet good and am scared to engage in social media because I am not sure how to present my words in text in a humorous and light hearted way that shows my relevant familiarity with my fellow humans of earth ..."

... Don't fret. Just read a bunch of the George Wallace tweets and you'll learn because that's how you do it. He's got it down, 100%. One Hundred and Ten Per Cent .... and whatnot.

I'm not the only one who thinks he's the Gold Medalist at Twitter either ... in that Bird tweet ... famous director Jordan Peele refers to Wallace as the "King of Twitter" .... so don't just take my word for it.




That's it for this year's Twitter Medals. We're February ... next February ... 2019 ... I'll try and remember to do an annual Twitter Awards again.

My Favorite Twitter Feed

Twitter is a hard venue for entertainment because of the 140 character limit but that limit also makes twitter what it is. You get to work with a 140 character statement, or a funny photo, or a stupid GIF ... and that's the only tools you can use to be entertaining on Twitter.

It's a good site, I find it is a great way to stay abreast on the world around me, to be wicked honest. I turn off the regional filters on trending topics on social media so I can get a sense of what is really buzzing around the globe concerning human matters. If you don't turn off the regional filters you will just get things that are happening around your town. It helps to keep a couple of good news sites, or political oriented people in your feed list, and then you can stay decently on top of what the heck is going on.

I like Twitter, I think it's a different vibe than facebook .... both have their pros and cons. You can write long counter-points to news stories or whatnot on Facebook which on twitter you can't do. So it has it's ups and downs but in general I cruise the twitter-sphere more often than the facebook-sphere I'd say.

Alright so, this article is not concerning the news/world-events related part of twitter, this article is going to explore who I think are the most entertaining twitter feeds on Twitter.

I narrowed it down to three finalists. The runners up for the prize of Best Twitter Feed in My Opinion are George Wallace and the Iron Sheik. The winner will be declared lower down in the article (or you could scroll down and see who it is if your sitting there with the most bated of breaths).



BRONZE MEDAL: George Wallace

Entertainment Genre: Comedy
Favorite "Feud": w/ Scott Baio

Feed: https://twitter.com/mrgeorgewallace

George Wallace is a fairly legendary stand up comedian. I've seen him live once and he is genuinely good at his craft, he's a great stand up comic and probably in my top 10 of all time ... but his twitter feed? It's definitely in my top 3 of all time. His comedic formula translates to 140 characters so well. His rapid fire opinions on anything at all really work with a 140 character limit ... he can fit a lot of content into short statements.

I've realized of late that to be a funny person you need to really personalize and be unique to be successful. There will only ever be one Rodney Dangerfield for instance, no one else can be him, you can impersonate him but there's only one him .... there's only one Gilbert Gottfried, you can try and talk like him and copy his mannerisms but there's only one Gilbert ... and George Wallace is the same, his idiosyncrasies and uniqueness can be mimicked by others but there will only be one George Wallace.

The best Twitter feud for Wallace, was one I watched unfold live, where George Wallace took on "Charles in Charge" star Scott Baio. The New York Daily News did a good write up of it the next day,

See: George Wallace Wrecks Scott Baio (NYDN Aug. 2016)

They state, "Not even the Fonze could help", and declared Wallace the winner of the twitter scuffle. I like when feuds end with a handshake and goodwill like this one did, in this case concerning the veterans, because it shows good sportsmanship by both parties.

So, for the thousands of short-burst statements that use only 140 characters or less which have made hundreds of thousands of people laugh so many times ... the legendary comic George Wallace is the Bronze medal winner



SILVER MEDAL: The Iron Sheik
Entertainment Genre: Bat Shit Anger and the Hurling of Invective at Everything and Everyone
Favorite "Feud": w/ Jose Canseco

Feed: https://twitter.com/the_ironsheik


You can say the Sheik feed is getting repetitive, but I do not care, there will never be a day before either myself or He pass on from this mortal realm where I will not click the Heart or the Like on something the Iron Sheik media feed spits out. It's the best. It's the friggin' best.

My first encounter with anything related to the Iron Sheik was as a very small child I had a Panini WWF sticker book, the ones where you buy packs of stickers and try to collect them all and paste them in the book .... and I had every sticker except one. I was missing the second half of the Iron Sheik two-sticker layout on one of the pages and that book stayed 99% complete ... I never got the other half of the Iron Sheik and it was annoying.

My childhood video store (remember those relics of the past!?) had a whole section devoted to WWF and I would rent one every week until I saw them all. I had a full historical account of everything that happened in every major WWF pay-per-view event by the time I was about 11 years old. I was familiar with the work of the great Iron Sheik and was always aware of what a colorful character he was.

Like everyone else, in modern times, when Sheik re-emerged onto the pop scene after releasing a youtube interview where he threatens to sodomize B. Brian Blair, I was so happy that he was famous again. His appearances on Howard Stern are some of the funniest moments in media I've ever seen. He was so angry and so hilarious in those interviews. It was great.

My favorite feud, and with Sheik I mean he's tweeted angry hate-filled statements at probably every celebrity under the sun, so it's hard to narrow it down to one ... but I don't want to do Bette Midler or somebody ... I want to write about Jose Canseco because he was close to making this list too. Jose Canseco is definitely top 5 in twitter feeds.

Canseco tweets about .... oh wow, I don't even know what the fuck this guy is talking about half the time. He's deeply interested in colonizing Mars and trouble shooting all sorts of space flight difficulties. He uses a lot of science words but I'm not sure he knows what any of them actually mean. If someone is gonna be successful in sticking a jabroni on Mars it's probably gonna be that Elon Musk ... but don't rule out Jose Canseco and his Mars colonization theories ... who knows maybe he'll surprise us all and figure out how to terraform Mars whilst Elon Musk is twiddling his thumbs. I heard he got a job in media with the A's, I think, if that's true I am happy for Jose Canseco ... a lot of baseball people don't like him but I think Jose's a good guy.

Anyways, The Sheik and Canseco took some bites out of each other a few times, the largest bites coming in 2012,

See: The Iron Sheik and Jose Canseco Twitter Beef (Deadspin, Sept. 2012)

I've never seen a person refer to another person as being dumber than a dead dog or smelling worse than a dead dog's shit before this. The Iron Sheik is the Silver Medal recipient.



GOLD MEDAL: Mr. T
Entertainment Genre: Helluva Tough
Favorite "Feud": w/ Mr. T

Feed: https://twitter.com/MrT

The great Mr. T, star of the A-Team and Rocky III, has only really starting tweeting a lot only of late. Ever since he signed on to fight for the children of St. Judes and Shriners Hospitals on ABC's smash hit TV Show "Dancing with the Stars" .... He has begun keeping his legions of supporters updated on his day to day progress via his twitter feed ... and .... it is so INSPIRATIONAL!

This guy is inspiring the absolute heck out of everyone! He's pumped, man. PUMPED! YEAH!

Me? I'm inspired, I cannot tell a lie, I am INSPIRED to be more than I can be ... EVERYDAY! I know I can be better .... I can be a more better writer and a more better person! Yes.

Mr. T does not have a Feud to speak of because that's not how the man rolls. He doesn't work like that, that schoolyard stuff is not how T operates. His feud is with HIMSELF ... to better himself every day. He's not competing with the other stars on Dancin' with the Stars ... he's competing with himself in order to become a good dancer.

Mr. T does not want to pity any fools, or pity the judges, from his tweets we know he is in this 100% and wants to win for the children. There is no pity in his heart for the other contestants such as the multi-talented Charo or David Ross of the 2016 World Series Winning Chicago Cubs.

This journey to becoming a good dancer and raising money for the children's hospitals is being self-journaled on his twitter feed and it is a story in itself. His feed is inspiring to all those who follow it.

Will he win Dancing with the Stars, I'm not sure, but after seeing his recent appearance on the Conan O'Brien program I could tell he's going into DWTS Week #3 rip-rock-and-raring to dance! Yes, and just like the kids of St Jude Hospital, the kids of Shriners Hospital, The Great Great Man Sylvester Stallone, the Great Great Man William Shatner, and millions and millions of Americans ... I am 100% behind MR. T in his dancing endeavor!