2nd Annual Twitter Awards

Almost a year ago I wrote about Twitter Feeds that I think are entertaining. I gave out three awards: a Bronze, a Silver, and a Gold.

I'm gonna do it again. Why? Well, because it is Sunday night and I am bored ... but also ... with the Olympics on it reminded me that I handed out medals for tweeting once in this blog ... so let's do that again ... why not?

I'm not really into the political end of Twitter too much which can be a mine field of difficulty to navigate through, so my awards, like last year, are for ENTERTAINING feeds only.

To qualify you need two things:
 
A) Be Entertaining
B) Have Good Reach

Reach just means that you're famous, basically. I think there's funny people on Twitter at times but they are not Omni-Famous enough to include in an Awards article.

Last year the Medals went to:

BRONZE MEDAL: George Wallace
SILVER MEDAL: The Iron Sheik
GOLD MEDAL: Mr. T


You can read last year's Twitter Awards: Here


I have it narrowed down to Five Finalists for this year's awards, the finalists are in no particular order:

Mr. T (Incumbent Champion)
Iron Sheik 
George Wallace
Norm MacDonald
Jose Canseco


Runners Up

Canseco, Jose

Alright so our first runner-up, in Fifth place, is Jose Canseco ... who I worked into the article last year but did not earn a medal. This year, again, he's in the article but not in the medal seeds. Jose Canseco had some ups and downs on the twitter box this season.

He had some funny tweets during the World Series but his year was memorable more so due to a FIRE STORM of negative publicity over a joke he wrote.

I saw the tweets, and personally, I didn't find them to be that bad. They were OBVIOUSLY jokes ...and I actually find it scary that some dumb joke someone writes can lead to 100 negative articles in the press (within an HOUR of the person writing the joke) ... and people can end up losing their job (he lost his media job he had with the A's).

The jokes were some things along the lines of (paraphrased):

"Hey, I've been felt up and harassed by like hundreds of women and I didn't care ..."

" All these guys getting in trouble with women are all butt ugly politicians. I think women are racist against ugly dudes..."

There was NO QUESTION that these statements should be filed under the Joke Column. These are legit jokes. If you read things like that and take it 100% serious ... you're probably taking life too seriously. When you read things on the internet ... just ask a few questions before freaking out ... ask "is this a joke?" or "should I take this seriously?"

If the statements appear to be a joke ... then give it a pass ... and save your outrage for the next thing that comes into your feed, okay?

These Canseco tweets were definitely oozing with machismo and I can see how, in the times we live in right now, how they brewed up a storm of indignation ... but in the end it's easy to see these were jokes.

Alright, let's move on to the next runner up,

...The Iron Sheik.

Sheik, Iron

Sheik, strolls in at fourth this year, down from his stellar Silver from last year. He had some good offerings this year including top notch tweets such as...

"Yeah, sex is cool .... but have you ever broken somebody's neck?"

...amongst other prime offerings.

I kind of gave Sheik the Silver as more of a Life Time Achievement Award last year. He's been hammering the twitter box for a decade now and needed recognition. Pound for pound, and all things considered, Iron Sheik is the greatest tweeter of all time ... but as for this year he clamped down 4th place overall.

Another wrestler who almost made it on here was the highly controversial tweeter and former wrestling super star Virgil ... who is freakin' hilarious at twitter but I understand how that feed could offend people. Virgil's current shtick is that he's poor. No joke, that's his whole persona now, his whole gimmick is that he's a poor man. Virgil will tweet about how much he likes free bread sticks at Olive Garden or how flummoxed he was that the sleeping bag repairman wanted eight dollars to fix the zipper on his favorite sleeping bag. It's .... not for everyone.

WWF LEGEND!

Like Canseco's feed though, I get that the Virgil feed is a joke, y'know? I understand in real life Virgil isn't asking women to buy him Olive Garden pasta, or asking his alleged estranged bastard sons to send him thirty dollars and a few Stouffers frozen lasagnas, or doing any of these absurd things. I know Virgil is doing an act ... and yes it is sort of offensive ... but in the end it's just an act.

I've heard in interviews that even in his wrestling days the "Virgil" character was the most hated heel in history in the eyes of African American wrestling fans. Virgil in interviews has said, if he was wrestling a venue in the 80s/90s which was in a prominently African American town  ... he'd just be pelted with garbage from start to finish. African American wrestling fans HATED Virgil more than any other wrestler in history.

So, even though the feed is legit funny, Virgil misses out on even the making the Top 10 of tweeters, because although the act is god damn hilarious ... it's a little raw. On top of it all, Virgil doesn't meet the "reach" standards either as he's not really Omni-Famous or even Super-Famous, really.

The guy even lost his blue check mark last month or so. I was following what led up to him losing his blue check mark. It was sooooooo freaking funny. There was some mix up or confusion over twitter feeds in which some people in jolly old England seemed to think the "at real virgil" feed was for some footballer guy ... and oh my gosh ... confusion was so abounds. It was just so much confusion ... oh my. He didn't do anything wrong though. It was just a simple mix up is all, mateys. It was all but a simple mix up, mateys.

Ok so, Jose Canseco and the Iron Sheik are our runners up this year. LET'S GET TO THE REAL MEDAL PODIUM NOW!



Twitter Awards Portion of this Article

BRONZE MEDAL: Mr. T

Entertainment Genre: Helluva Tough
Favorite "Feud": N/A

The Man is No Stranger to Ice

Last year's Gold Medalist, Mr. T, is on the medal podium again this year in the Bronze position. Mr. T has taken a genuine interest in Curling of late, and from this recent CBC article and interview with him, it's not a lark ... the guy is into Curling ... big time.

See:

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/asithappens/as-it-happens-friday-edition-1.4538952/controlled-mayhem-mr-t-talks-about-his-love-of-curling-on-as-it-happens-1.4539621

This Curling fad isn't going away and someone's gotta harness this wild goat known as Curling and really make something with it. I really think that if you put together the modest success of Mixed Curling (co-eds) at the Olympics with all the celebrities tweeting about Curling ... you'd be on to something ... and that something is ... Celebrity Mixed Curling. If you could even see how good this show is as it plays out in my thoughts/hopes/dreams ... you'd freak. Celebrity Mixed Curling (One Male Celeb + One Female Celeb teams participating in a round robin Tournament of Champions) would be a SMASH HIT ... believe me!

I mean, celebs tweeting about Curling is not limited to Mr. T either ... I've seen many (although probably 60% are from Canada) ... so if a network is serious about Celebrity Mixed Curling ... don't hesitate ... this fad won't last forever ... get that good stuff on the AIR. I'd watch EVERY SECOND OF IT.

It's fun. It's like Tactical Ice Bowling or Cold Bocce Ball or maybe Ice Stone Chess. If you add celebrities to this Curling business ... forget about it ... It'd be such good TV.

Just picture Mr. T with a Celebrity Mixed Curling Trophy .... I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense ... but it does. It truly does. Trust me.



SILVER MEDAL: Norm MacDonald

Entertainment Genre: Sand Box
Favorite "Feud": w/ Margaret Atwood (runner up: Joyce Carol Oates)

Iconic Novelist Norm MacDonald's feed is hard to pigeon hole into a genre ... I really think he looks at Twitter as a big sand box to test out writing ... or to narrate golf ... or to spin odd yarns ... or to wax nostalgic about memories past. Sometimes he'll just delete his whole feed and start again akin to messing up the sand in the sand box and starting fresh.

He writes short stories at times, which are pretty good. He detailed a pretty interesting and entertaining romanticized version of Quebec's History from 1960 to 1980 a few months ago which is not really standard fare for the tweeting sphere but it was pretty good and interesting.

This guy knows stuff. When David Letterman was on Norm's podcast, Dave said Norm is like the most clever guy around. Dave is right ... he is pretty smart this guy. He got to the million dollar question on Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, even.

His "feuds" on the platform aren't standard fare either ... I mean he doesn't go after easy targets or jabronies ... he critiques literary icons. He doesn't do it often, but he'll lay a critique down on Joyce Carol Oates or somebody in a blue moon. He can be blunt with his literary critiques at times. Recently he referred to Margaret Atwood's prose as being of the "sweaty" variety. Margaret Atwood, creator of the hit show The Handmaid's Tale is a very good writer and an Iconic Novelist herself ... but Norm might be right ... I mean, there is a hint of sweatiness to her prose ... there really is. It cannot be denied.

Now before we get ahead of ourselves here reader, yes both names in his feuds list above are female ... but that's not to suggest he has an issue with female writers. Norm is on record, many times, stating that the great Alice Munro is his favorite author. So, his critiques of Joyce Carol Oates and of Margaret Atwood are purely critiques of writing only ... nothing more and nothing less.

Norm MacDonald has stated that his second novel is on the horizon which many a literature enthusiast is surely looking forward to. There's only so many humans on earth who can be regarded as Iconic Novelists and he is definitely one of them.


GOLD MEDAL: George Wallace
Entertainment Genre: Comedy
Favorite "Feud": N/A

Mr. Wallace's wide ranging humorous tweets as well as his exceptional feud with Charles in Charge star Scott Baio landed him the Bronze last twitter season ... but this year he's leap frogged into the pole position. Why? It's hard to explain but this man just has the format DOWN.

Twitter is a medium of short burst information snippets. It's actually a hard medium to be funny on. The reason I think George Wallace has it down is that his persona and his familiarity come across in his tweets. I really think he's mastered the medium of writing short text messages in hopes of creating humor in the twitter format.

It's hard to build rapport with an audience in any format ... but limited to just pushing keys on a keyboard and making strings of words which are read by people on their computer screens or phones ... it's very very hard to create that rapport. You need a pre-existing character that everyone knows (so they can read the text in the voice of that character) and you need some sort of familiarity with the audience.

Since he's a famous stand up comedian the audience reads the jokes in his voice and through the use of exhaustive leitmotifs and signature finishers ... he has that familiarity with the audience. You know in 85% of his tweets that you're gonna get a whatnot ... you know he's gonna get a whatnot in there somewhere.

I think I know what's so good about "whatnot" ... I've figured it out. I used to end all of my sentences with "....and shit" because I really believed that any sentence in the english language is improved if it ends with "....and shit."

I'd put that on like anything ....

"I'm going to the store ... and shit"
"You need something at the store? I'm gonna go down there ... and shit"
 "Hey dere, I'm gonna head on down to that store dere, ya want some smokes and shit?"
"Oh hello, I haven't seen you in a while, how's it goin' and shit?"

Every sentence in english is a better sentence if it ends with "and shit" ... but you can't use it 100% of the time. Like, you can't be with your Grandma and be like "Oh, hey grandma this is a pretty good chicken sandwich and shit!" ... you can't say that ... there's times where you can't work with "and shit" ... so what's the SECOND best word to end sentences with if you have to omit "and shit?"


It is "and whatnot." It is. It really really is. Look:

"I'm going to the store ... and whatnot"
"You need something at the store? I'm gonna go down there ... and whatnot"
 "Hey dere, I'm gonna head on down to that store dere, ya want some smokes and whatnot?"
"Oh hello, I haven't seen you in a while, how's it goin' and whatnot?"

See? If you've over done "and shit" or you can't use "and shit" because your grandma is there or you're working in like customer service or some shit and whatnot .... switch out "shit" for "whatnot" and it is almost a seamless transition. It really is, right after "and shit",  I think "and whatnot" is the best thing to flow off a sentence with.

 Let's take a sample George Wallace tweet now:

This guy has it DOWN. Reader, if you're not big on social media and think things like, "hmmm, I don't know how to tweet good and am scared to engage in social media because I am not sure how to present my words in text in a humorous and light hearted way that shows my relevant familiarity with my fellow humans of earth ..."

... Don't fret. Just read a bunch of the George Wallace tweets and you'll learn because that's how you do it. He's got it down, 100%. One Hundred and Ten Per Cent .... and whatnot.

I'm not the only one who thinks he's the Gold Medalist at Twitter either ... in that Bird tweet ... famous director Jordan Peele refers to Wallace as the "King of Twitter" .... so don't just take my word for it.




That's it for this year's Twitter Medals. We're February ... next February ... 2019 ... I'll try and remember to do an annual Twitter Awards again.

My Favorite Twitter Feed

Twitter is a hard venue for entertainment because of the 140 character limit but that limit also makes twitter what it is. You get to work with a 140 character statement, or a funny photo, or a stupid GIF ... and that's the only tools you can use to be entertaining on Twitter.

It's a good site, I find it is a great way to stay abreast on the world around me, to be wicked honest. I turn off the regional filters on trending topics on social media so I can get a sense of what is really buzzing around the globe concerning human matters. If you don't turn off the regional filters you will just get things that are happening around your town. It helps to keep a couple of good news sites, or political oriented people in your feed list, and then you can stay decently on top of what the heck is going on.

I like Twitter, I think it's a different vibe than facebook .... both have their pros and cons. You can write long counter-points to news stories or whatnot on Facebook which on twitter you can't do. So it has it's ups and downs but in general I cruise the twitter-sphere more often than the facebook-sphere I'd say.

Alright so, this article is not concerning the news/world-events related part of twitter, this article is going to explore who I think are the most entertaining twitter feeds on Twitter.

I narrowed it down to three finalists. The runners up for the prize of Best Twitter Feed in My Opinion are George Wallace and the Iron Sheik. The winner will be declared lower down in the article (or you could scroll down and see who it is if your sitting there with the most bated of breaths).



BRONZE MEDAL: George Wallace

Entertainment Genre: Comedy
Favorite "Feud": w/ Scott Baio

Feed: https://twitter.com/mrgeorgewallace

George Wallace is a fairly legendary stand up comedian. I've seen him live once and he is genuinely good at his craft, he's a great stand up comic and probably in my top 10 of all time ... but his twitter feed? It's definitely in my top 3 of all time. His comedic formula translates to 140 characters so well. His rapid fire opinions on anything at all really work with a 140 character limit ... he can fit a lot of content into short statements.

I've realized of late that to be a funny person you need to really personalize and be unique to be successful. There will only ever be one Rodney Dangerfield for instance, no one else can be him, you can impersonate him but there's only one him .... there's only one Gilbert Gottfried, you can try and talk like him and copy his mannerisms but there's only one Gilbert ... and George Wallace is the same, his idiosyncrasies and uniqueness can be mimicked by others but there will only be one George Wallace.

The best Twitter feud for Wallace, was one I watched unfold live, where George Wallace took on "Charles in Charge" star Scott Baio. The New York Daily News did a good write up of it the next day,

See: George Wallace Wrecks Scott Baio (NYDN Aug. 2016)

They state, "Not even the Fonze could help", and declared Wallace the winner of the twitter scuffle. I like when feuds end with a handshake and goodwill like this one did, in this case concerning the veterans, because it shows good sportsmanship by both parties.

So, for the thousands of short-burst statements that use only 140 characters or less which have made hundreds of thousands of people laugh so many times ... the legendary comic George Wallace is the Bronze medal winner



SILVER MEDAL: The Iron Sheik
Entertainment Genre: Bat Shit Anger and the Hurling of Invective at Everything and Everyone
Favorite "Feud": w/ Jose Canseco

Feed: https://twitter.com/the_ironsheik


You can say the Sheik feed is getting repetitive, but I do not care, there will never be a day before either myself or He pass on from this mortal realm where I will not click the Heart or the Like on something the Iron Sheik media feed spits out. It's the best. It's the friggin' best.

My first encounter with anything related to the Iron Sheik was as a very small child I had a Panini WWF sticker book, the ones where you buy packs of stickers and try to collect them all and paste them in the book .... and I had every sticker except one. I was missing the second half of the Iron Sheik two-sticker layout on one of the pages and that book stayed 99% complete ... I never got the other half of the Iron Sheik and it was annoying.

My childhood video store (remember those relics of the past!?) had a whole section devoted to WWF and I would rent one every week until I saw them all. I had a full historical account of everything that happened in every major WWF pay-per-view event by the time I was about 11 years old. I was familiar with the work of the great Iron Sheik and was always aware of what a colorful character he was.

Like everyone else, in modern times, when Sheik re-emerged onto the pop scene after releasing a youtube interview where he threatens to sodomize B. Brian Blair, I was so happy that he was famous again. His appearances on Howard Stern are some of the funniest moments in media I've ever seen. He was so angry and so hilarious in those interviews. It was great.

My favorite feud, and with Sheik I mean he's tweeted angry hate-filled statements at probably every celebrity under the sun, so it's hard to narrow it down to one ... but I don't want to do Bette Midler or somebody ... I want to write about Jose Canseco because he was close to making this list too. Jose Canseco is definitely top 5 in twitter feeds.

Canseco tweets about .... oh wow, I don't even know what the fuck this guy is talking about half the time. He's deeply interested in colonizing Mars and trouble shooting all sorts of space flight difficulties. He uses a lot of science words but I'm not sure he knows what any of them actually mean. If someone is gonna be successful in sticking a jabroni on Mars it's probably gonna be that Elon Musk ... but don't rule out Jose Canseco and his Mars colonization theories ... who knows maybe he'll surprise us all and figure out how to terraform Mars whilst Elon Musk is twiddling his thumbs. I heard he got a job in media with the A's, I think, if that's true I am happy for Jose Canseco ... a lot of baseball people don't like him but I think Jose's a good guy.

Anyways, The Sheik and Canseco took some bites out of each other a few times, the largest bites coming in 2012,

See: The Iron Sheik and Jose Canseco Twitter Beef (Deadspin, Sept. 2012)

I've never seen a person refer to another person as being dumber than a dead dog or smelling worse than a dead dog's shit before this. The Iron Sheik is the Silver Medal recipient.



GOLD MEDAL: Mr. T
Entertainment Genre: Helluva Tough
Favorite "Feud": w/ Mr. T

Feed: https://twitter.com/MrT

The great Mr. T, star of the A-Team and Rocky III, has only really starting tweeting a lot only of late. Ever since he signed on to fight for the children of St. Judes and Shriners Hospitals on ABC's smash hit TV Show "Dancing with the Stars" .... He has begun keeping his legions of supporters updated on his day to day progress via his twitter feed ... and .... it is so INSPIRATIONAL!

This guy is inspiring the absolute heck out of everyone! He's pumped, man. PUMPED! YEAH!

Me? I'm inspired, I cannot tell a lie, I am INSPIRED to be more than I can be ... EVERYDAY! I know I can be better .... I can be a more better writer and a more better person! Yes.

Mr. T does not have a Feud to speak of because that's not how the man rolls. He doesn't work like that, that schoolyard stuff is not how T operates. His feud is with HIMSELF ... to better himself every day. He's not competing with the other stars on Dancin' with the Stars ... he's competing with himself in order to become a good dancer.

Mr. T does not want to pity any fools, or pity the judges, from his tweets we know he is in this 100% and wants to win for the children. There is no pity in his heart for the other contestants such as the multi-talented Charo or David Ross of the 2016 World Series Winning Chicago Cubs.

This journey to becoming a good dancer and raising money for the children's hospitals is being self-journaled on his twitter feed and it is a story in itself. His feed is inspiring to all those who follow it.

Will he win Dancing with the Stars, I'm not sure, but after seeing his recent appearance on the Conan O'Brien program I could tell he's going into DWTS Week #3 rip-rock-and-raring to dance! Yes, and just like the kids of St Jude Hospital, the kids of Shriners Hospital, The Great Great Man Sylvester Stallone, the Great Great Man William Shatner, and millions and millions of Americans ... I am 100% behind MR. T in his dancing endeavor!

Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross-Overs

A lot of people use "stupid" as a pejorative insult and in many cases it is....but in the field of Entertainment, "stupid", isn't a bad thing at all and in many cases is a compliment.

Would things like Strange Brew, Beavis and Butthead, or something like that be enjoyable if it wasn't about the antics of stupid people? Would I sit and watch an episode of Beavis and Butthead if it was about two brain surgeons discussing brain surgery techniques? Of course not, I watch that to see two insipidly stupid dudes fucking up and hurting themselves. Stupid rules.

One of the most stupid forms of entertainment over the years has without a doubt been Fake Wrestling, again this isn't an insult, Fake Wrestling is the good kind of stupid. I mean where else can you see as much drama-laden, over the top, stupidity as you do on Fake Wrestling? Very few places offer the same amount and same kind of stupidness that is offered to you in gallons with Fake Wrestling.

????

How stupid is this shit? I've seen a guy light a fire cracker no where near his opponent...yet something about the flash caused his opponent to be bedazzled and swoon. I've seen shit on this shit that's so dumb that I often just stop and wonder what the fuck I'm looking at. Basically, what I'm sayin' is, Fake Wrestling is so stupid that's it's veritably surreal.

I'd describe Fake Wrestling as Stupid Performance Art as opposed to any other way to describe it and, again, that's not an insult....there's times where the art is so stupid that it's very very cool and very fun to observe.

Often at times, people from the Real World will cross-over into this Land of Stupidity...we all remember Mr. T (star of TV's The A-Team) showing up at Wrestle Mania One, we remember the great Liberace popping into this world as a "Celebrity Time Keeper",  many recall Mike Tyson teaming up with DX a few years ago to fuck someone up, or when Beetlejuice showed up to get smashed with a guitar, and recently the legendary Pee Wee Herman stopped by to hang out in this strange land.

But...Mr .T, Liberace, Mike Tyson, Beet, and Pee Wee are people you'd expect to pop into the World of Fake Wrestling to perform some Stupid Performance Art from time to time....these are guys who genuinely fit into that world and don't seem out of place at all whilst immersed into it.

As the title of this article suggests, there's been times where a breed of human known as Talk Show Hosts have ventured into this land to engage in SPA (stupid performance art) as well.

We shall be looking into five instances where the Realm of Talk Shows and the Realm of Fake Wrestling intersected and ran congruently for a set interval of time.

Entries shall be ranked on a scale of 10 (ten being Super Stupid and zero being Retarded).

Jon Stewart (intersecting with) Seth Rollins

Recently a feud was birthed out of the fiery taunts directed by one Seth Rollins towards one Jon Stewart. Rollins would taunt Stewart from his camp on WWE's Monday Night Raw whilst Stewart would retort said taunts from at his home base at the The Daily Show.

It didn't take long for his war of words from their base-camps to escalate into an all-out face-to-face beef between the two as a few days after the initial taunts Rollins totally showed up on the Daily Show to put Stewart in a head-lock.

It seems the beef reached its boiling point yesterday,

 

Shots were fired off left and right yet as you could plainly see when the time came for fisticuffs to erupt...Stewart kicked that dude in the dick and skadadledaddled himself to safety.

Now, people might see that as cowardice, but look, I've read Sun Tzu's Art of War and am versed in all 36 divine stratagaems of combat. Do you know out of all of the 36 divine stratagaems of combat which one Sun Tzu himself referred to as the most divine of the divine tactics? Skedaddlin' that's which one.

If shit is getting hot, man, just poke a dude in a eyes, or kick a dude's nuts, and Skee-Fucking-Daddle....that's honestly the best advice anyone can ever give someone. If you're ever in doubt about the outcome of a fight, do like Stewart, and SKEE DEEEDLY DADDLE out of the mother fucker post-haste.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 7/10

Drama Stupidity: 9/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10

OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10



Jerry Lawler + Andy Kaufman (intersecting with) David Letterman

Memphis Wrestling was some real old school shit that existed before Fake Wrestling was monopolized and if you watch all these Memphis Fake Wrestlings on the youtube you'll probably be pretty entertained by this stupid shit. The premise of the show was mainly "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager versus other "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager. Jimmy Hart rose to prominence in Memphis Wrestling as the head of a stable as did many other managers. You don't really see managers too much anymore but they were good because unlike most of the talent....these manager characters could act.

Memphis used to get famous people to stop by and chill, for example here's that Batman Adam West showing up (for no reason):

I don't really know what's going on here. Either Adam is jet-lagged, drunk, or really not happy to be there and is really trying to act odd to make them regret flying him out there. I love shit like this. Adam West, in my opinion, is THE ONLY BATMAN, no other people who played Batman can even come close to what West did with the Batman character.

Another guy Memphis got to stop by and chill was Andy Kaufman....but Kaufman was a little more enthusiastic about being there than West was. Kaufman made a whole shtick out of his appearances on this show and really pulled out all the stops to create some legendary Stupid Performance Art. He developed a feud with Jerry Lawler (Lawler is seen in the clip above speaking with Batman).

The feud between Kaufman and Lawler hit its fever pitch (as many know thanks to the Kaufman hollywood bio-pic) on the set of David Letterman's Late Night program:

The King slapped that mother fucker right in his fucking face. Back in the day most of the people watching this wondered if this was a shtick or not....both guys are good actors and played the SPA really well...no matter what venue they showed up in these guys sold their shit, man.

This was done so well it is barely even stupid...it's like a level of believability that almost makes you forget they were doin' a Fake Wrestling. The actual wrestling matches on Memphis between Lawler and Kaufman were pretty stupid though...mainly involving a whole buncha skedaddlin', turtling, wigglin', and all-around silliness.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 10/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 9/10


Hulk Hogan n' Mr. T (intersecting with Richard Belzer)

Poor, poor, Richard Belzer. The Belz had the Hulkster and My Favorite Person Ever Mr. T on his program for them to promote Wrassle Mania One and all kinds of hijynx broke loose....

Basically, Belzer asked Hogan to practice some holds on him and Hogan proceeded to choke out Belzer and when the Belz hit the floor after passing out...he cracked his coconut open, observe...

Hold the phone though, THIS WAS NOT A SHTICK, Belzer cracked his head open and then successfully sued Hogan for a coupla million bux. Fuck, yo.

I don't know how to rate this one since it wasn't a shtick at all and that poor man got his skull split open...so, I'm just gonna give it a run of threes and move on.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 3/10

Drama Stupidity: 3/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 3/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 3/10


Rowdy Roddy Piper (intersecting with) Morton Downey Jr.

This bit featured the in-ring talk show Rowdy Roddy used to host during live Fake Wrestlings. I don't really know why they do these bits, it's like, they want to take a break from the fake wrestling to set up new feuds...I guess that's the reason for the in-ring talk shows.

Piper invited a man with his face painted red known as Brother Love and the late great Mort Downey Junior to join him at Wrestle Mania V for a nice a little chat. I guess you'd call this an insult competition or something. I used to do these at school but we called them "Shafting Competitions" back when the word "shafting" was briefly popular in the early 90s.

Piper proceeds to verbally abuse Brother Love until he skeddadles out of the ring and home to his mommy...and then Piper turns his verbal fury unto Downey.....yet is shocked when his verbal abuse is ineffective against him.

Fuck man, Morton Downey Jr. is unverbally-abusable...he eats insults for breakfast and shafts for lunch. Verbal abuse is like bread n' butter to Morton Downey, he loves that shit. This fucking guy has the nerve to breathe smoke directly into Piper's fucking face, holy shit, right in his fucking face! Even after Piper politely asked Downey to stop blowing smoke into his face the guy just keeps on blowing smoke RIGHT IN his FUCKING FACE. Can you believe it?

Right in the guy's fuckin' face.....

Here watch it here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1vxekc_piper-s-pit-wwf-wrestlemania-5_sport

As you can see in the link, Piper gets the last laugh (well it was his in-ring talk show after all, they were on his turf), as he unloads the contents of a fire extinguisher directly into the face of Morton Downey Jr, Wow.

This bit would have been better without that fucking tomato faced jackass "Brother Love" in the pit....that asshole can't act for shit. Piper and Downey did some good SPA here though, they did some good shit with this pit bit.

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 6/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 10/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10


Hogan et al. (intersectin' with) Jay Leno

I didn't really get this one at all. Unlike the trash talking fun ones like with Downey n' Kaufman n' others...Leno played a super baby-face character that kind of came off as like....I dunno how to describe it...he looked like a kid from those "make a wish foundation" type charities who got his wish to be a wrestler with Hulk Hogan. It just looked weird...like a big child is what he looked like.

Video here: http://www.wwe.com/videos/jay-leno-diamond-dallas-page-vs-hulk-hogan-eric-bischoff-road-wild-1998-26009542

He plays it like he's one of the gang, like some little kid who the wrestlers let throw them around because it's the child's make-a-wish wish. It's just strange looking...but it's not really stupid though.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to use the word "stupid" in this situation because I think Jay Leno really is slightly mentally handicapped in real life and therefore you're not allowed to say that in that situation.

You see, the rules with calling someone stupid or 'tarded is this...you can call anyone you want stupid or retarded from a president to a pauper as long as they are NOT legitimately mentally handicapped. In the case where someone is genuinely certifiably mentally disabled then you cannot refer to them as being stupid or as a retard...you have to give the mentally challenged people a lot of leeway and be positive when you talk about them.

I honestly believe that Jay Leno is borderline mentally handicapped...I mean from his "comedy" to his odd looking pudgy face. When you watch him in this fake wrestling you really see a child who's living his wrestling dreams and he looks like a big fat mentally disabled child.

So in that case, since I'm not allowed to call him stupid due to leeway reasons I have to shoot zeroes down the line on this bit. I don't want to call a borderline mentally disabled man "stupid" because it's not correct in this day and age. Therefore, Jay gets a very "special" rating of all zeroes.

General Silliness: 0/10

Drama Stupidity: 0/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 0/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 0/10


Assessment

From most stupid to least stupid. Some entries are being omitted in the final tally...Belzer gets removed because it was not a mutually agreed upon shtick and therefore wasn't exactly Stupid Performance Art and Jay Leno gets removed from the assessment because his was more of a "very special boy" living his wrestling dreams and wasn't really SPA either:

WINNER: Kaufman/Lawler on Letterman

Runners-Up: Jon Stewart/Seth Rollins and Morton Downey Jr./Rowdy Roddy Piper

 
Kaufman and Lawler on Letterman wins...that shtick is pretty tight. They sold it to the point where the average viewer who wasn't familiar with Memphis Wrestling probably had no idea it was a shtick and was like "holy shit" while watching that bit. Those two assholes can sell bits and Letterman acted as a good mediator that kept the shit brewin' up good.

The Greatest Debate Still Rages on...

So much in the news these days. So much to think about and have opinions on. I think as a society we must settle old debates before venturing into new ones. We must tie up these loose ends before biting off new and more difficult debates.


First on the docket is one debate which remains open and has never been resolved, this debate in question, of course, is the Joel vs. Mike debate. It is a question as old as time itself. Weighing all of the options, the correct conclusion to this question is:

Joel

Case dismissed. Moving right along, the next item on humanity's docket of unresolved dilemmas is what many refer to as "The Greatest Debate" and I must say I agree with the designation of this query being regarded as such. The Greatest Debate which has raged on for many years is... 

...what was the Greatest Ernest film ever made?

Now unlike the Joel vs. Mike debate which is easily decided with little thought or after-thought, the case of what was the Greatest Ernest film in the history of Ernest is a whole different can of worms, Vern.

Who Was Ernest?

Before we get knee-deep into this burning question on all of our minds, let's look into the phenomenon that was Ernest for those of you who may have either been living under a rock or not born yet in the era in which Ernest was Ernesting.

Ernest was a veritable amalgamation of heavily versatile yet good-hearted stupidity portrayed by the iconoclastic actor Jim Varney.

Jim Varney was an accomplished actor of the theater (seriously), and his first big television appearance was on Fernwood 2 Night hosted by Martin Mull (side-windered by Fred Willard),

Above, he's doing some variation of a "redneck" character. I know these sort of "redneck" characters are popular now a days with the likes of Jeff Foxworthy and that Fat Boy the Cable Fat Idiot...but there's a huge difference between the likes of Jim Varney and those talentless hacks. The key being that Varney's character(s) are funny whilst todays so-called "Blue Collar Comedians" lead by Jeff Hacksworthy are not. 

Varney first developed the character we know as Ernest for commercials for various southern United States companies (ads for milk, tape, meller yellers, etc., etc.).

At some point someone realized that his character was testing very well with children viewers and the Ernest phenomenon grew wings and took shape. Much in the vein of old time 1950s acts that kids loved such as Johnny Jelly Bean or Soupy Sales, the program Hey Vern! It's Ernest was one of the big three whacky kids shows which came about in the late 1980s era (the other two being Pee Wee Herman's and briefly Al Yankovic's Saturday morning programs).

The Ernestial Explosion was in full gear. Soon, Ernest had his own special, vhs tapes, tv show, and finally MOVIES! That Ernest made a slew of exciting and efficacious Ernest films. For example (but not limited to):

Ernest Goes to Vegas
Ernest Learns Karate
Ernest in Africa
Ernest at the Theme Park
Ernest Saves Christmas
Ernest gets Motivated
Hey Vern! Ernest just Joined the Navy!
Ernest Scared Stupid
Ernest Goes to Jail
Ernest at the Improv
Ernest in Funny Munny
Hey Vern, Win $10,000...Or Just Count On Having Fun!
Ernest Goes to Camp
Ernest Rides Again
Ernest Goes to School
Slam Dunk Ernest
Ernest in the Army
Hey Vern! How 'bout that Ernest!?
Quitting Smoking with Ernest
Ernest Goes to the Park


Yet Only One Ernest Movie May Reign Supreme

Look, I understand that a lot of people "don't get" Ernest...but those people are dumb. I'll go as far (and on record) as saying that anyone who doesn't like Ernest is a Bad Person.

Ok so, for us regular normal Good Persons, I would like now to present to whoever wishes to know of it, my opinion on this long raging debate. Which was the best Ernest film?

I will only focus on five Ernest films (in the interest of time) and those Ernest films are in no particular order:

Ernest Saves Christmas
Ernest Goes to Camp
Ernest Goes to Jail
Ernest Scared Stupid

and last but least (well maybe),

Ernest Rides Again


1. Ernest Saves Christmas

Synopsis: Ernest is working as a cab driver to make ends meet this Holiday Season and picks up a man claiming to be Santa Claus in his cab. The purported Santa must find a successor to carry on the Santa torch before nightfall or Christmas will be ruined. Will Santa find a successor in time?

My Opinion: This film is not very Ernest heavy. The story focuses on other characters (Santa, the successor, and the runaway tween girl) more so than it does on Ernest. Ernest is almost a supporting actor in this film and it's a gross miscarriage of intelligence when that is the case. Making an Ernest movie which is light on the Ernest is not the right way to go.

Would you make a Yogi Bear episode without much Yogi in it? Would you make an A-Team movie without Mr. T in it (come on, why did they do that?)? Would you make an Evil Dead movie without Bruce Campbell in it (seriously why did they do this?)? It's like making a peanut butter sandwich but forgetting to put on the peanut butter is what it is and it's fairly unfathomable to operate like that, I must say.

2. Ernest Goes to Camp:

Synopsis: Ernest finally fulfills his life-long dream of becoming a camp counselor after working as a maintenance man at the camp for years. Sadly, he was only promoted because the other counselors didn't want to deal with a troublesome group of youths sent from the juvenile hall for rehabilitation. Ernest gets stuck with these inner city toughs yet he and the youths really develop an understanding and respect each other.

A villainous natural resource developer played by the always impeccable John Vernon attempts to force the venerable Chief Saint Cloud (portrayed by Iron Eyes Cody) to give him his land.

Faced with the under-handed tactics of the treacherous Krader Company...Chief Saint Cloud is left with no choice but to train Ernest and his gang of inner-city youths and instill unto them the ways of the Warrior. Can Ernest and his rag-tag troupe of diamond-in-the-rough youths act as the front-line defense against Krader, repel the intruders, and save Kamp Kikakee? Or will all be lost?

My Opinion: This movie came out around the time where I would go to Camp Jackson Dodds every summer and have zany adventures and a ton of laughs of my own. The whole camp atmosphere of the film was something I could really relate to as a youth.

The themes touched on within this film, such as Native American issues with the establishment and the difficulty under-privileged kids face in comparison to privileged kids, were a little deeper than the themes in standard Ernest films. It's a pretty deep movie, it has loads of character. Man, this movie is Punk Rock, it really is.

3. Ernest Goes to Jail:

Synopsis: Ernest is an up and coming janitor in a bank who's dream is to one day become a bank teller. He has eyes for his co-worker, the beautiful and charming Charlotte Sparrow and truth be told she has eyes for him as well.

Misfortune befalls our loveable hero when he gets called for jury duty for the trial of one Felix Nash, a dead ringer for Ernest, one might even say his doppelganger. In a flurry of confusion on a visit to the prison Nash pulls the old switcheroo on our best bud Ernest and assumes his place...while Ernest goes to jail.

What will Nash do while living as Ernest on the outside? How will Ernest cope with the harsh realities of prison life?

My Opinion: This movie is shakespearean in nature. People will tell you that the rawness of a play like Othello, with all the emotions flying everywhere, as the lead character feels fear, betrayal, jealousy and anger, amounts to an emotional roller coaster for the audience...yet Othello is not a very good play in comparison to Ernest Goes to Jail.

The emotions in this film are very raw. Rawer than Othello. Take for example when the evil Felix Nash lures Ernest's girlfriend to his nest of deceit and tries to convince her to commit the heinous act of adultery under the most unrighteous of pretenses. Jim Varney's portrayal of both the hero and villain displays his versatility as an theater actor. Many might scorn my comparison of Ernest Goes to Jail to Shakespeare but I honestly believe this to be true in all seriousness. Jim Varney is an unstoppable force of acting in this film.

4. Ernest Scared Stupid

Synopsis: Years in the past, an evil troll roamed around Briarville, Mississippi turning young children into wooden dolls and absorbing their energy. Ernest's ancient ancestor, the great Phineas Worrell, devised a method to seal the evil troll into a big ole oak tree.

Fast forward to the present and poor bumbling Ernest P. Worrell unwittingly releases the seal of the oak tree and unleashes the troll once again. The dastardly troll recommences turning defenseless children into wooden dolls and after he absorbs the spirits of 5 children the troll can unleash his army of lesser demon trolls to begin a reign of terror. The only thing that stands in his way...is Ernest and a wise Haitian woman.

My Opinion: A standard spooky monster movie, but the threat to the kids is made to feel real to the viewer. The troll is very successful at turning innocent children into lifeless wood carvings of their former selves. It's a movie that despite Ernest's antics would genuinely scare a very young child and give them some cool-ass fever-dream nightmares too. Ernest does a lot of heroic mano-y-mano fighting in this film and pulls off a sort of Buffoon Bad Ass character...once again displaying his immense range with the Ernest acting style.

5. Ernest Rides Again

Synopsis: The crown jewels of the Royal Family of England get stolen and transported in a cannon and Ernest and some geek have to do something about it.

My Opinion: I had this thing on VHS ..and I must have watched this movie like 100 times...and it sucks. I don't know why I watched it so much but I guess there was never anything else on.

The geeky doctor was played by a guy named Ron James, who's a popular Canadian comedian now. He speaks normally in this film though which is odd because in his present day act he talks like how a retarded Canadian guy would talk.

This movie is proof that the voice Ron James uses in his act is not his own voice and he's trying to "hose-it-up" so to speak to appeal to Canadian audiences. I think Ron James is going Full Hoser though and it's kind of an over-done act. I understand that Canadians have to hose-it-up to sell (even the brilliant Canadian director Christian Kole made a hoser movie once) but Ron James shouldn't go Full Hoser, and if he wants to he should put on a tuque, drink some stubbies, and send Bob and Doug a royalty cheque.

All in all, Ernest Rides Again isn't an Elite Ernest picture.

The Greatest Ernest Movie of All Time is...

Ernest Goes to Camp.

La crème de la crème of Ernest is the one where he goes to camp. There's no doubt about it.

Gee I'm glad it's rainin'
There's always something to be thankful for.
I'm awfully glad it's raining
Cause no one sees your tear drops when it pours.

And no one knows the thunder
Is your heartbreak in disguise,
They think the rainy nights
What put that sad look in your eyes.

Sure am glad it's rainin'.
The gentle rythmn soothes the pain inside.
I'm glad the stars aren't shining.
A wounded warrior needs a place to hide.

I thought I had found someone
I could count on til the end.
What they wanted was a hero,
All I needed was a friend

Gee I'm glad it's rainin'.
I hope the morning sun won't come up soon.
As long as it keeps raining,
No one knows my heart broke right in two.

I thought I had found someone
I could count on til the end.
What they wanted was a hero,
All I needed was a friend

Sure am glad it's rainin'.
I'm awfully glad it's rainin'

Passing the Torch

For those of you living blissfully unaware lives, Ernest died in 2000 of cancer. Yeah, on February 12th of the year 2000...the earth stood still for a moment as Ernest had to say goodbye to us.

People may not have realized it yet, but Ernest's passing has left a hole. The universe is incomplete without Ernest. We need Ernest.

I'm calling out to everyone in Hollywood to listen up. I'm calling out to every artist, stand up, and preformer to put down what they are doing and listen.

Someone out there has to become Ernest. Someone has to step up and accept the torch. Someone has to put on the grey t-shirt, dawn the jean-vest, and adorn themselves with the grey cap. It's not a joke anymore...Universe needs Ernest.

Now I'm not talking like when Hollywood re-booted The Three Stooges with three horrible lame-wads. That 2012 Three Stooges Movie is a punishable crime, it's almost blasphemous in terms of its mockery of comedy. Taking something as good as the Three Stooges and turning it into shit is the absolute worst thing that could to be done to bring Ernest back.

No, I'm not talking about a money-making horrible reboot. I'm talking about someone becoming Ernest. I'm talking about someone accepting the responsibility of being The Ernest. Putting the three holy vestments of The Ernest on some unfunny bozo and releasing a movie with the Ernest name is not the plan.

The Plan is to do it right. The plan is for the New Ernest to dawn the vestments and be proud of them...to put on the Ernest uniform and WANT to make COMEDY proud. I'm talkin' to you.

You, YEAH YOU! Step up! Put it on! Become ERNEST...

 

Odd Topics People have Chosen to Rap about...

Mr. T once engaged in a conversation which ensued as follows,

"Mr. T: Rappin' is a way of saying' knock knock.

Audience: Who's there?

Mr. T: Me! Open the door and listen to what I got to say."

-T., Mr., "Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!" (see: the section on Rappin')

This statement is true, Rappin' is a great method for someone to express themselves and their opinions on life. Many people over the course of the last 40 years have chosen to use Rappin' in that fashion, they have rapped about: how tough life is, love, their neighborhoods, how much they enjoy using or selling illegal substances, how dangerous their gang is, and a myriad of other topics. It seems that the topic list may be running short, as people have taken to rappin' about seemingly odd topics.

The following songs are such cases...rap topics that make you scratch your head a bit and think "why are they rappin' 'bout that?" The entries will be filtered to exclude really bad rap and completely inane rap. This isn't about bad rappers, it's about rappers who rap about odd topics (though some may be quite awful mind you).

But before we begin, we must first debunk and clarify a song which has made people scratch their heads over a specific lyric which is not what they may believe it to be.

Betty White?

Betty has been re-launched into super-stardom of late, and has apparently been pre-approved by her local branch for unlimited Gangsta Cred. But, was Betty's gangsta cred a misunderstanding? It appears so.

In Dr. Dre's 1992 smash-hit rapsong "Deep Cover" he makes this statement:

"Tonight's the night like Betty Wright, and I'm chillin" (Deep Cover, 1992)

The Force? Ya. But Gangsta? Naw.

I believe many people over the years have misheard this lyric as "Betty White" when in fact he is referring to Betty Wright, the woman who sang a song named "Tonight's the Night" back in the 1960's. Dre was not giving a shout out to Betty White by any means, he was obviously giving a shout out and props to a more understandable subject.

Betty has taken this false cred and put out her own rhymes of late, and her Rappin' is not necessarily bad...but when you observe it you must be aware that she is Rappin' under false pretenses. She by no means has any Gangsta Cred...any preconceived cred was mis-attributed.

Murder She Wrote...

Straight up O motherfuckin' G?

A similar era-adjusted contemporary of Betty's, Angela Lansbury, may have more gangsta cred than anyone has given her credit for. Angela starred on the hit TV show Murder She Wrote which ran concurrent and parallel with Betty White's Golden Girls show. Angela is very similar in all respects to Betty, yet may be an actual gangsta.

Murder She Wrote was a network television mystery drama where Angela was a writer/super-sleuth who solved who-dun-its with the greatest of precision and ease. On the surface, Angela appears to be about as gangsta as a young Ethel Merman, yet rappers have been giving her serious shout-outs and mad props throughout the history of Rappin'. Take this song from the She-Vanilla Ice of the nineties Ms. Tairrie B.,

Tairrie (an ebonicized version of Terry? I dunno) is horrible and awful, yet she is without any doubt giving mad props to Angela Lansbury in this song. Her bad-ass image appears to be a hommage to her, and Murder She Wrote is repeated ad-nausem through out the rapsong. This is very interesting, yet due to Tairrie's awfulness in the face of Rappin' we cannot use this as a proper method of adorning Angela with true and deserved props.

Angela Lansbury's real props comes from this great song...WARNING...it is really catchy:

Reggaemen extraordinaire Chaka Demus and Pliers use "Murder She Wrote" as the chorus in their hit rapsong of the same name as well, and this one is fucking good.

A noticeable phenomenon in the rap game is to just copy what other people did, and a quick scan of youtube proves that many people not only enjoyed either Tairrie B's or Demus and Plier's ditties but ripped them off as well. A surprising amount of amateur rappers on youtube have songs named and chorused with "Murder She Wrote." I'll collect a few examples of horrible plagiarists who stole the Murder She Wrote idea...

Example 1 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0tBrY6fBqU

Example 2 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhwTcx1Rx_A 

Example 3 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzKlfVXvK04

In conclusion, Angela is never specifically named in any of these songs, yet it is undeniable that they are giving a shout-out to her TV show and thusly giving her said shout-out. Unlike Betty White who is 100% undeserving of her credibility...Angela Lansbury appears to be the real deal, one might go as far as saying that she is straight poppin' Gangsta.

Movin' Right Along,

Okay, enough gangsta old ladies for one sitting...let's move on to something a little fresher and better. Something a little cooler and modern.

The following song is great, it is rapped by a man named Random, it is a wonderful and beautiful rapsong by a talented rapper. It is a love-style rap song about a man's love for a woman, a beautiful woman who he wants to take far away and be alone with for the rest of his days, yet it is a scandalous and forbidden  love which can never truly blossom, the man is like Romeo and the woman is like Juliette, they are in love but are not allowed to be due to circumstances out of their control. The song ends with the woman committing the ultimate display of true love as she self-sacrifices herself for her beloved man...it is a tragic rapsong...a tragic tragic rapsong...

Lyrics:

This is a mission not a small time thing
Got me on the case like I'm Sherlock, Holmes
My dome kinda messed up from what I've been seein
And what I've been hearin, got me not knowin what to believe in
I was breezin, battlin bosses
The record is flawless, zero losses
'Til I came across this, stunning young piece
Who resided at the bottom of the sea - and she
Told me her name was Splash Woman
Beautiful but deadly, she was mad cunning
Had a voice that could soothe the savage
Beast, her physique was way above average
Magic the way she got me in a spell
Got me on lockdown, sort of like a cell
But I got a mission that I can't afford to fail
My girl, I got a secret to tell, umm...
I don't know how to say this
So I'm a just say it, that you my favorite
Even underwater I'm enchanted by your fragrance
You're the one to play with, won't you, be my baby?
Or maybe, we can get up out of this land
And maybe get a bite somewhere my dear
Even though she knew the truth about Ran
I had a feeling she would understand, yo I got a chance

Chorus: 

Thought I was in love before
But I love you more, so baby come aboard
And go away with me, so I can make you see
What you mean to me, and baby we can be
Free... oh ohhhhh, under the sea
Oh ohhhhh, just you and me

Seem like every couple years I get that feeling
Feelin like I'm about to hit that ceiling
But I cain't cause it's time for spikes
And when I reach the lair I know it's time to fight
I couldn't do it, Punk'd out like Ashton's victims
She started singin and I had to listen
It was lovely, when she sang, the fish came
All of a sudden the mission changed, insane~!
She told me about her true purpose
She was a state victim that fell through the surface
A few days ago the contract expired
And she was scheduled to be thrown into the fire
And Wily gave her a reason to live
So now she gotta do what he says
She said a tear and said you don't understand
I gotta stick to the plan, I owe everything to this man
So please Mega Ran, don't take it personal
Cause it hurts I know, I'll make it worse y'know
But he saved me baby
To turn my back on Wily would be just plain crazy
She said it's the only way it can end
Let the, battle begin and we can't be friends
So my heart sunk low as the lair door closed
Drew the Mega Buster cause it's time to roll, here we go

[Chorus]
 
So the battle was on, it was fierce
She hit me in the side and left my armor pierced
On her command, the fishes attacked me
I cocked the Mega Buster and hit 'em exactly
But the battle took a turn that was odd
Every time I fired a shot, she didn't dodge
She took each blast from the arm cannon
Smiled at me as every shot was landin
At first I didn't know what she was plannin
Then suddenly I started understandin
Yo I think she lettin me win
Givin me what I need so I can get to the end
By the 17th hit she began to stagger
Fell to the ground so I ran and grabbed her
Looked up in her eyes as she tried to laugh
Pulled me close and handed me her staff
I said I wish it didn't have to be like this
I'm thinkin he might miss her if she be my miss
She said don't be foolish, you gotta do this
Let the whole city know what the truth is
Said boy you got stuff to do
Said girl I woulda gave it all up for you
I feel invincible when I'm holdin you
But as far as love goes I'm 0-for-2

(Random, Splash Woman)

It is a great love poem and the beat makes it a great rapsong...wait a second...spikes on the ceiling? Mega buster? Is he? Oh my goodness...is this cat Rappin' about playing Mega Man!? That's amazing, not only is it great poetry and has a catchy beat, but the absolute silliness that this song is about something as awesome as Mega Man gives it an entertainment value which is off the charts (to me anyhow).

 

Turns out, that all of Random's rapsongs are about playing Mega Man and he's got dozens of them. Dozens and dozens of rapsongs about playing Mega Man. Wow. I'm not making fun of him, in fact, I'm a geek and a huge fan of the old Mega Man games. In fact, my family physician recently recommended that I beat Mega Man 2 at least 5 times per annum in order to stay healthy and fresh, and it is a regimen I am sticking to.

The first song I heard of Random's was a song about not wanting to grow up set to the beat of Woodman's level in Mega Man 2 (listen to it here). For those of you who don't know, Mega Man 2 is not only the best and most addictive game ever made, but it is also the deepest piece of literature ever created.

It's ok, it's over...get some rest now man.

Mega Man 2 is an epic story, about a robot who just wants to stand on top of buildings, feel the wind in his hair, and be free. Yet, a terrible psycho bent on revenge and hatred builds 8 evil robots to kill Mega Man and enslave the world...the psycho is unable to best our hero who easily defeats the robots in turn. After saving the planet, Mega Man wants no reward or fame...he is content on taking a long walk back home which takes him two full years, he walks through the changing seasons from summer to fall to winter and back, and when he finally gets to where he's going, he gazes upon the safety and security of his home, takes his helmet back off to let the wind into his hair again, and he begins the unwinding process. It's so simple, but very deep.

Other contributors to Mega Man 2 folklore through music include Brental Floss, and whoever the fuck wrote that song Okkusenman which has been covered about a thousand times now. These are not rapsongs but are related to this section for their Mega Man 2 folklore qualities alone:

Brental Floss: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_7rmGlo-1U

Okusenman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeALqyjSz1Q

The song Okkusenman sounds like if Ultra Bidé got a lot peppier, faster, and made their noise sound like a screaming banshee maniac. I find it to be really catchy actually...especially the part where the singer just loses it around 1:43 in the video.

"We revive vividly memories, but now we've forgotten all that as we grew up, and we're living each day as if we're being chased by something..." 

-The Dude who sings Okkusenman


(End Note: I think Thairrie B's "Murder She Wrote" was actually a tongue-in-cheek joke engineered by either Robert Townsend or Keenan Ivory Wayans. I'm not sure if Thairrie was in on this joke or not. No data shows for or against this claim, but I have a pretty strong hunch.)