An Open Letter Acting as an Official Nomination for the Following Party to be Awarded the Nobel Peace Prize Trophy

The following letter is an open style letter (meaning anyone can read it), it is submitted to the internet for all to see but is specifically directed at the attention of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee who accepts and reviews nominations for said prize.

The criterion for a human being to be allowed to nominate someone for review by the Nobel Committee is to meet one of the following requirements:


A) Bein' a "member of national assembly and/or government of state"
B) Bein' a "member of international court"
C) Bein' a "University rector; professor of social sciences, history, philosophy, law and theology; director of peace research institute and/or foreign policy institute"
D) Bein' a "Person who has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
E) Bein' a "Board member of an organization that has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
F) Bein' "Active and former members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee; (proposals by members of the Committee to be submitted no later than at the first meeting of the Committee after February 1)"
G) Bein' a "Former adviser to the Norwegian Nobel Committee

I meet the following requirement: B


In the month of July of 2012, I served on jury duty in the case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., thereby (be it bit but a brief moment) acting as a member of an "international court" and thus giving me access to nominate humans to be reviewed by the Nobel Committee in regards to said party being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.

Okie Dokie?

Before penning my open letter to the Nobel Piece Prize Committee, we shall look at just what the heck the peace prize committee is and we shall also look at the man I wish to nominate. So this is gonna be a pretty clunky article smashed into three parts.

Nobel Peace Prize

A brief tl;dr summation of the history of the Nobel Peace Prize is as follows:

This guy invented dynamite and got very rich, but he hated money so much that he never spent any and as he lay on his death bed he proclaimed to the people watching him die,

"My fortune is yours for the taking, but you'll have to find it first.
I left everything I own in Nobel Piece." -Nobel, A.(Dec.10/1886)

Millions of able bodied men and women searched Scandinavia for the fabled Nobel Piece. Naysayers thought they were just dreamers and n'er do well adventurers who were searching for something which didn't even exist....but it did. So, yeah. Yet, inside Alfred Nobel's buried treasure was simply a letter which stated,

"I, the undersigned, Alfred Bernhard Nobel, do hereby, after mature deliberation, declare the following to be my last Will and Testament with respect to such property as may be left by me at the time of my death:

...

[my] estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind." -Nobel, A (source)

That's the jist of it.

Everyone knows about it but is it even that important? I mean Albert fuckin' Gore has one of these fuckin' Scandinavian trinkets so how important can it fucking be? Fuckin' Mikhail Gorbachev has one of these chachkies...what's up with that? One year the recipient was "The European Union" not even a human at all. How on earth could Albert Gore have been deserving of an award commemorating the "greatest benefit to mankind" during the 2007 season?

Look, to me it sounds like a stupid little thing but people around the earth take this thingy super cereal. So, as the power invested in me as a member of an "international court" during that one time I jury membered on Fields S. vs. Amsterdam, M. I hereby nominate to be the recipient of the Nobel Prize for Peace...

...The Iron Sheik.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LhqN7SFNEE)

Yeah!

Iron Sheik

A man who's name precedes him and needs no introduction of any kind. Everyone knows the Sheik, he's a living Legend, a living Champion, a living The Real. Like a Michael Jordan, or like a Muhammad Ali, he's a man who's kind is born only every five hundred years.

The Sheik's selfless acts of altruism make him the most deserving human being ever to awarded one of these Nobel Peace Prizes. Why? Firstly, some historically significant set-up is in order...

Back in the olden times, wrestling wasn't a monopoly, instead it operated in scattered factions who claimed "territories" under their respective promotional banners. There was Memphis Wrestling featuring Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman for example amongst many many other regions.

Eventually one regional promotion would grow so powerful that they monopolized wrestling promotion and that company was the WWF (now the WWE). How did they get so powerfully popular? So popular that they were able to unify the country under one single wrestling promotion? "Hulkamania" happened...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xHz0Ozq5EQ)

Hulk Hogan become such a phenomenon that other regional promotions couldn't compete with this ratings grabbing behemoth of a hollywood babyface superstar. Hulkamania conquered wrestling promotion for the WWE and discounting a brief challenge by Ted Turner in the 90s...it has remained that way since.

As everyone knows for every hero there must be a villain and Hulk Hogan's explosion into Hulkamania was heavily due to the Iron Sheik. The Sheik represented the evil foreigner who defeated the 60/70s America-Boy babyface Bob Backlund and was the most hated man in America while holding the title...and it was the hollywood blonde 80s baby-face Hulk Hogan who who took the belt back from the great Sheik which launched Hogan like offa spring board into Super Stardom.

Remember this is before the monopolization of wrestling promotion and other regions were jealous of this brazen Hulk Hogan who they viewed as a body builder who didn't know a thing about fake wrestling. Many don't know that the Iron Sheik had an offer on the table from Verne Gagne in Minnesota to literally break Hulk Hogans legs as the ultimate insult to this hollywood blonde body-building jabroni. In fact, Gagne offered the Sheik hundreds of thousands of real dollars to break his jabroni-ass legs.

Nobel Peace Prize? None more deserving than he.

What would you do in that situation? I bet many of you good boys and girls are thinking, "Oh, surely the angel known as me would not have broken Hulk Hogan's legs for I am a good person" but if you're thinking that's what you'd do if faced with a similar situation then you people are full of shit. The Iron Sheik is a shooter, man. He is a man who could break your back with one of his little pinky fingers. He could have "accidentally" snapped Hogan's legs like a twig, ruined Hogan's career, went back to Minnesota to collect hundreds of thousands of dollars...and in that moment...destroy Hulkamania forever and ever.

Under those circumstances, breaking Hulk Hogan's hollywood blonde jabroni legs was obviously the most beneficial choice for him. In the present we can look to the past and see that he did not chose to do what 99.9999% of us would have done in his shoes...no, no...he chose to spare Hulk Hogan's legs and lose the fake wrestling match like he was paid to do. Why? Because he's a man of his word, he would never double cross anyone...he has a heart of the purest of gold.

With the act of choosing not to smash Hulk Hogan's leg bones into millions and millions of pieces, the Iron Sheik displayed a level of humanitarian kindness and goodwill that I believe blows all other acts of humanitarian kindness out of the water. If you could condense kindness into some sort of sap-like substance (you know like maple sap in maple trees) I bet the Iron Sheik's heart would be figuratively oozing with Kindness Sap. It's unreal how he put others before himself in that situation, and for that I believe there has never been a human more deserving of a Swedish award that commemorates goodwill.


The Official Letter

The following is a transcript of the notarized letter sent to the Nobel Peace Prize Committee by yours truly,

"The Norwegian Nobel Committee
Henrik Ibsens gate 51
0255 Oslo, NORWAY

Dear Noble Peace Prize Committee, 
Attn: Peace Division

I hereby, under the authority of acting on the jury of the legendary case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., and thereby a member of an "international court" (i.e. a court in a nation somewhere on earth at any given time), nominate one Khosrow Vaziri AKA "The Iron Sheik" to be this or next year's Noble Peace Prize recipient.

I nominate him under the merits of that time back in 1984 that, under the guidance of his heart made of gold-like sap, he refrained from breaking one Terry Gene Bollea AKA "Hulk Hogan's" fucking legs at the Madison Square Garden in front of like a hundred thousand people.

This act of humanitarian courage should heretofore be recognized by your organization, the King of Sweden and/or the King of Norway and/or the King of Finland, and/or the Bernadotte dynast-kings of yesteryear (retro-active). If you leave this man's merits unrecognized you risk a great deal of international shame to your organization as many will question if you know what the heck you guys are doing over there.

Truthfully Yours, 
Deric W. Brazill (md) 

I threw an "md" on that shit at the end to make it look like I got some smarts, you know? I'm not really one of those.

Anyway, hopefully the Sheik gets a Nobel prize this year or next because he's obviously super-deserving of one of those things.



(End Note: This letta is OFFICIAL meaning if they fail to respond to an OFFICIAL letter then they are proclaiming to the world that they a bunch of friggin' jabronies those Scandinavians.)

Canadian Election Human Value Rankings!!!

Hey world, did you know Canada is having an election in 2015? Yeah, they are, exciting eh? We get to vote for our "prime minister" whatever the fuck that is.

This topic was one of the first articles I ever did for last election back like four non-score years ago, you can read that one if you want, but my writing style and comedic tact was a little worse for wear back in the day (I think I only got good at this bloggin shit sometime around 2012-ish):

Previous Canada Election Article: Here

I like that I worked in Fergie Jenkins at the end there in that one, that was pretty cool. He's a hall of fame pitcher, that guy.

Anyways, let's explain how this election system works first before we get into the human value rankings.

Canadian Elections

It's not a popular vote poll, it's based on "seats" in "parliament". A seat is just a regional area, there's 310 or so seats that they fight over and the party with the most seats wins! Yay.

There are not two but five parties who get "seats" in our elections. The current polls (with the amount of seatz being set to a round number like 100) are as follows:

Liberals (Left-Center Field): 41 Seatz
Conservatives (Right Center Field): 32 Seatz
Democratic Party (Left Center Field): 17 Seatz
Green Party (Left Field): 5 Seatz
French Separatists (?????????): 5 Seatz

Even though I don't really care for putting political views on a line, I have denoted the leftness or rightness of the party because they do advertise themselves to the public along this silly line. You'll be quick to note that unlike the USA who has two parties (the left-center field party and the right-center field party)...Canada has a whopping 3 left leaning parties and 1 right leaning party.

If it was like the states and it was 1 left-center party versus 1 right center party...the results would be:

Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 63 Seatz
Right Center Party: 32 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

It would be a blowout win, but that's not what's gonna happen as the Left Center parties are split into three factions who argue over votes with each other and thus the Liberals and Conservatives are neck-and-neck in the polls.


Human Rankings

Ew.

1. Stevie Harper

Evangelical Christian who hates science and is suspected of being mentally handicapped so you're supposed to give him leeway and be nice to him. It's annoying. He's been in power for almost 9 years now and if he wins again he's gonna get double digits.

I firmly respect the USA and their laws on term limits, which Banana-Republic Canada simply does not have, we've actually had prime ministers in power for over 20 years back in day.

To me, no one should be in power of a country for over 10 years, so I don't believe anyone should vote for this person again for that reason alone. Ten years is the "dictator" barrier that once you cross that line you can longer be referred to as an "elected official" yet must be denoted as a "dictator." It's true, I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

Overall Ranking: -100 / 10


2. Trudeau Jr.

Put yer fuckin' shirt on, Bieber.

Some little punk who's never worked a real job in his life who was hired to be the Face of the Liberal Party....an unbelievably boring dork. Like the Bush family, he feels since his daddy was Prime Minister then he should be too.

He's killing the women vote though, holy fuck, women want to suck this kid's balls right off, they love him so much. He is literally the Justin Bieber of politics, the Liberal party should of just signed Bieber if they wanted to monopolize the lady vote any further.

His parents are famous international jet-setters who had threesomes with celebs all the world so the name "Trudeau" is quite famous. Here's masterful interviewer Bill Boggs interviewing his Mom about her friendship with Fidel Castro and how important she feels she is:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klVDOrJ0u_0)

Bill Boggs

His family is like a big deal in Canada, they are certified celebrities and this and that...so he's a good face for the Liberal Party, no doubt.

Obviously, as a 30 year old male human, I don't fall into the Bieber demographic and thus will not be voting for him.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


3. Beard Man

A bearded man.

I don't know what the point of Beard Man is, this guy's only job is to split the vote of the left center party so the Harper team wins again, for all I know Beard Man and Harper are in fucking cahoots. If they split the vote well enough the Harper Team will win again...so to me I seriously have to question if Beard Man is a real candidate or just a plant for the Harper team.

I don't really know anything about him other than that he has a beard....so nothing good and nothing bad...which for politics isn't such a bad thing. He's just a bearded man...no more and no less. Very bland shtick, wow.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


4. Green Party

Hasn't got off the ground yet, mainly acting to further split the left-center party.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


5. French Separatists

Who knows, who cares.

Overall Ranking: -80/10


Assessment

Liberals/Green/Demo/Separatists: -80
Conservatives: -100

The conservatives are the worst party by a full 20 points and it is in my opinion that NO ONE should vote for them in the next election.

I know this is a very basic look at Canada's Leck Shuns but it's the only things you need to know about it...it's not entertaining like other countries' elections where you can write interesting shit about it. It's two old white men and one somewhat young-ish white man fooling around up here...it's immensely boring.

Get some fucking chix in there, or some black guys, maybe a native, maybe an asian. Mix it up, fuck, gimme a break...this shit is soooooo lame. It always has to be boring-as-fuck white dudes who run, never anyone cool.

The only thing that can save another boring-ass Leck Shun is if that fat ol' crack smoking Rob Ford gets off his lazy ass and makes a run for the Prime Ministership.

"Prime Minister Rob Ford", has a good ring to it. Come on Rob, you know you wanna be Prime Minister, bro...get off your ass, stop smokin' crack and throw your hat in the race, man.

Come on...RUN!

I would predict a Rob Ford election would maximize voter turnout, increase world wide press, and I believe the end results would be the following:


Ford Nay-Shun United Co-A-Lishin' of Crack-Heads: 50 Seatz
Theoretical Left Center Merged Party: 32 Seatz
Right Center Party: 13 Seatz
French Separatists: 5 Seatz

A landslide win for Rob Ford.

On Park Factors and the Hinderance to Larry Walker's Hall of Fame Bid

Hall of Fame votin' season is getting into full swing, I did my annual Timmy "Rock" Raines for Hall of Fame article early this here,

Read that one: Here

Today we'll be looking at a player with a career .965 OPS (on base + slugging), which is unusually high, yet who's hall of fame bid is not garnering much support. This man is Larry Walker who was born in Maple Ridge British Colombia.

The reason for him not garnering a ground-swell of support hinges on the fact that he racked up insane numbers in a hitter's park...in fact the park which greatest favored hitters over pitchers of any park ever.

Park Factors

Park factors is a fairly new way of looking and interpreting baseball statistics. It is quite simple, it boils down to, some stadiums favor hitters and other stadiums favor pitchers. Many factors are at play some examples are the following:

1. How close are the outfield walls? If the corner of the outfields are 350 feet instead of 355 feet...it might sound like no big deal but that five feet means many a ball that would be home runs in the 350 park will be outs in the 355 park.

2. How big is the foul area? Some parks have huge in-play foul territories and some parks have very small foul territories. If a guy pops up to the third base side and it sails into the crowd...it becomes a souvenir for a fan rather than in the third baseman's glove and the third out of the inning. Large foul territories favor pitchers.

3. Is the infield grass or turf? A grass infield will slow the ball down and a sharp hit grounder will die out and be fielded by the infielder...while in a carpet park with turf many of these hard hit balls hit the hard ground surface, don't slow down, and wind up past the infielder and into the outfield for a hit.

Walker, in a rare right-handed at-bat

Those are examples of how a park could favor hitters or pitchers. In the case of Larry Walker a very new park factor came into play with the expansion Colorado team in 1993. It took a while to figure out why everyone on that team was hitting close to .400 and hitting 40 homers a year...but it was physicists who figured out as to why the hitters were getting such an undocumented boost and pitchers' ERAs were getting into the fives and sixes.

Scientists pointed out that the altitude of the stadium, which is a full mile above sea level, or around 1600 meters above sea level was making the air in the stadium less dense. Mountain climbers might be familiar with the gasping for air as they get higher and higher up a mountain, and this is the same case here. The air is simply not as thick when you're that high above sea-level.

Now, pitchers throw balls usually between 85-100 miles per hour and hitters nail these pitches with bat speeds coming through their centers of gravity at about 100 miles an hour...meaning when these two forces collide the ball off the bat will go quite far quite fast. If the air is thinner, the resistance of the air molecules that the traveling ball is meeting isn't posing much of a resistance at all. Not only that, but many breaking pitches need to push off dense air molecules to complete their breaks and if the air is too thin then, for example a curve-ball, will not break/move/drop on the hitter because it has nothing to break against.

Colorado has tried to curb the exaggerated effects of the boost to hitters over the years and the effects are not as exaggerated as they used to be (but it still is a VERY hitter friendly park). They now store the baseballs used in the games in a big humidor to make the balls more moisture-logged so they don't rip through the air as easily. Unfortunately, the era of 1993 to 2002 in Colorado and hitters hitting there have the stigma of "Mile-High Effect" on their stats, and Walker was a Colorado Rockie from 1995 to 2004, therefore, getting a good eight full season of the Mile-High boost.

Hall of Fame voters now don't know what the hell to do, no one knows what his numbers would have been without the boost and it seems for the most part they are all just not voting for him at all. It's unfortunate because chances are without the boost he may very well would have had a hall of fame career regardless.

Another Player who Benefited from Park Effects

Teams used to design their damned parks after their star players. If a big left handed hitter was their star player than possibly one year the right field wall would have "accidentally" been brought closer by about 20 feet. I read in Bill Veeck's book that, well he claims that, he installed an electric fence which went in closer while his team batted, and then at the push of a button, went out really far when the opposing team batted. There is no evidence of this ever happening and is accepted by historians as being a flat-out lie told by Veeck as more of a parlor jest than anything else.

Aided by Park Effects?

I don't want to cut into legends, everyone loves Babe Ruth, and his name has grown to be bigger than life itself...yet in defense of Larry Walker, I think we'll have to cut into the Babe a bit and detail just how easy it was for him to hit homers.

There's parks now and over the years where it is 345 to the corner outfields, some stand at 340...and then there's some where it is literally just above 300 feet. It is the older ball parks where this is the case, most people have seen the green monster in Boston which looks like a little league park it is so close to the hitter but at least they raised the wall to tower up and keep line drives from becoming homers. Yankee Stadium in Ruth's era had a right field wall which was 314 feet away and wasn't an over-exaggerated tower of a wall like in Boston....just a regular wall 314 feet away. That's it.

Ruth was a pull hitter who pulled the ball to right field, and at 314 feet away, guess what? Fat Boy logged a lot of fucking homeruns. Is it just me or does logging 714 homers while your home park custom built you a wall 314 feet away seem kind of cheap? No offense, I know the Babe is a legend, but F that cheap tailor made field for him, man. Revive this guy with some voodoo, put Babe Ruth in SafeCo Field down in Seattle as his home park, and watch this "legend" hit .275 with 22 homers next year.

That kid Kyle Seager who hit 16 homers at SafeCo last year should be pretty proud of himself. That's not an easy park to drop bombs in.

A lot of the old legends got the benefit of playing around in home parks where they were literally little league dimension fields. Home or away, they got to fool around in tiny little parks.

Conclusion

Did Larry Walker get his stats monstrously inflated from Coors Field? Yes, yes he did.

Those are his stats from the 1998 season for example, hitting .418 with 17 homers at home but only .302 with 6 homers on the road. That is highly irregular and not normal. To get a good idea what his stats would have been sans-Coors, someone should look at his career Away OPS, and see if it is still good. If his career Away OPS is still over 900 then I think he should be a shoe in Hall of Famer.

According to the data his career OPS on the road is .865...which is still very very good and possibly good enough for the Hall of Fame.

The thing is, the Hall of Fame is filled with players who's park effects weren't analyzed even a little bit. Should Walker get sort of a "grandfather clause" bypass because Coors Field was basically the field which made park factors such a well-studied phenomena? If Babe and all these other guys got their park factors thrown out the window then maybe Walker should too. He has the negative stigma of playing in the park which literally lead to such an interest in park factors...which is a huge stumbling block to his candidacy.

It's hard for anyone to imagine what his numbers would have been if they weren't altitude inflated...I'm not sure that is a license for all BBWAA writers to just toss his case out the window though. All in all, the design flaw of Coors field may keep him out of the hall of fame.

For what it is worth, I 100% fully believe, that if you took the 1920s Babe Ruth, you somehow cloned him or revived him with some hypothetical elixir, and stuck him a Mariners uniform (or a Padres uniform where it's 402 to right-center) for the 2015 season...1920s Babe Ruth would struggle to even hit .280 and not even make it to 30 homers in a full season. I truly believe that.

Great Moments in Literature 2: A Look into the Character Growth of one "Stan Gable"

In the last installment of "Great Moments in Literature" we explored the change in the "Bob Backlund" character from the WWE over the changing seasons of history.

Here: Great Moment in Literature 1

For this installment, we shall be looking into a character from the wide world of film, he is the highly interesting movie character by the name of "Stan Gable" from the Masterpiece quartet of films known as "Revenge of the Nerds."

The fictional character of "Stan Gable" was portrayed by Ted McGinley (most know him off of "Married: With Children" fame).

Glossary of Terms to be Used in Article

Nerd: A human being either male or female of high intelligence who dabbles in science and/or technological fields of expertise. Their commitment to learning has rendered them virtual shut-ins and their social skills are limited at best. They are awkward, weird, and appear highly abnormal to other non-nerd humans who observe them.

Jock: A human, ninety-nine percent of the time male, who's testosterone levels are higher than average. The Jock releases the excess hormones they produce by engaging in sporting events and fistfights. They do not care at all for Nerds and attempt to hinder the nerd and humiliate them any time they encounter one.

Self-Hating Nerd: These are nerds who feel ashamed of who they are due to the constant torment directed against them. They try to conceal their nerditude and live life behind a mask...they live in fear behind a costume they have created for themselves. They hide from their own selves.


Pre-Am-BuLation

We shall present Stan Gable's character over the course of four Revenge of the Nerds masterpiece films. The sections shall be broken into, (A) synopsis of film, (B) a brief thought about how good or not good the music portion of the film was, (C) a rating from 0 to 5 "stars" to denote how good the overall film was, and (D) a look into the Stan Gable character and its role in the film.

We shall conclude with an assessment of the Stan Gable character's overall transformation from the first to the last of the RotN films.

Yes, yes.


Revenge of the Nerds!

Let's get started,

1. Revenge of the Nerds

Synopsis: Two bestest of pals head off to college together with their hopes and dreams as high as the sky. Trouble is, they are nerds and what's waiting for them at college is not what they hoped for. The sports teams get all the funding and accolades whilst the smart students are ridiculed and tormented. The Jocks who persecute the nerds are led by the likes of the quarterback of the football team (portrayed by Ted McGinley), the coach of the football team (played by John Goodman), and the biggest dumbest man on the football team referred to as The Ogre (portrayed by the loveable Donald Gibb). Can the nerds band together and stand strong? Or will their persecution never ever end?



Musical Portion: The nerds bust into the talent contest with this number (and IT'S TOTALLY AWESOME...I can still recite every word of this song on command and verbatim)...

YEAH

Film Quality: 5 Stars

On the verge of tears...of defeat.

Stan Gable's Role: Stan Gable is the head villain in the film who leads the charge for the jock forces. He aims to not only make life difficult for the nerds but to destroy them. He is the anti-nerd, the complete polar opposite of what a nerd is. Nerds are his natural-born enemies and he despises every last one of them with every bone in his body. 

Once the nerds assemble and begin to resist the jocks aggressions and incursions into their territories...the tables are turned on Gable and he and his jocks must brace themselves for the end-all battle at the talent show. 

Gable's elite jock contingent, in the final hours, cannot withstand the unified forces of the nerds, the moos, and the Bernie Casey led Tri-Lambdas...who defeat the Jocks and leave Stan Gable shattered, broken, and in tears. Stan Gable was utterly defeated by his sworn enemies with the final insult being the head nerd making passionate love to his girlfriend. (Nerds: 1 Jocks: 0)

2. Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise

Synopsis: The Nerds, now a unified fighting force assembled under the Tri-Lambda banner, are invited down to beautiful Fort Lauderdale, Florida to represent their fraternity in the National frat convention. Trouble is...the Jocks flying the Alpha Beta frat banner (though weakened in strength and numbers from the previous film) have been invited to the convention as well. 

Are Nerds and Jocks destined to clash heads once more? Can the nerds cope a second time around...or will all gains made in the first battle be lost?

The battlegrounds may be the sandy beaches of Florida this time around...but the passions of the combatants will not be lowered due to the beautiful relaxing atmosphere. A boiling point is brewing in the Jock/Nerd WAR!

Musical Portion: A little rap thing. It's nothing to write home about.

Film Quality: 4 Stars

Stan Gable's Role: Gable is now a man hell-bent on revenge. He suffered the most humiliating of defeats in the first Jock/Nerd battle and his pride thirsts for the most coldest of vengeance and his heart burns with the hottest of rage.

Stan Gable is not a man who admits defeat easily and sends his well prepared Alpha Betas into the Floridian battlegrounds with all his bases covered. Never a stranger to devious schemes and now a master of the 36 divine stratagems of war...Gable is confident he will put the grimy nerds back in their place. Not wanting to cast himself directly onto the front lines and jeopardize the plan he works covertly behind the scenes...and entrusts the mission in the hands of Vice-Jock Bradley Whitford (the bad guy from Billy Madison) and The Ogre.

His ultimate plan succeeds in entrapping the Nerds on a deserted island...where he leaves them to die. Yet, the plan comes awry as the Jocks make a critical error of backstabbing The Ogre in the back when they felt The Ogre was of no more use to them.

The Ogre, after smoking loads of marijuana cigarettes with the nerds, befriends them and is converted into a nerd. The combined force of the Nerds' intelligence and Ogre's brute strength form the most dangerous team in history and it leads to the Nerds escaping the deserted island alive.

The Nerds now in alliance with The Ogre and re-united with Booger who was off doing hardcore gross-out loogie-horking training with the venerable Master Snotty...happen upon a shack of military surplus equipment and use this equipment to raid the frat convention grounds in tanks...to once again take home the glory of victory in battle. (Nerds: 2, Jocks: 0)

Revenge of the Nerds 3: The New Batch

Synopsis: Many moons have passed and many old grudges have settled. The Adams University which was turned into a veritable battleground has now seen an era of peace and prosperity in the last half-decade. The Nerds won, they re-fitted the gymnasium into being a computer center and erected a statue of Einstein to display Nerd honor to all those who's eyes bestowed upon the center. They built monuments to their past victories, is what they did.

Morton Downey Jr., a wealthy local Captain of Industry, has enrolled his son into Adams and is shocked to come back to his old stomping grounds to witness first hand the Nerd atrocity of turning the gym into a computer center. Morton Downey Jr.'s veins swell with unfathomable and unquenchable anger over the Nerds lack of respect for Jock culture. The great and mighty Downey Jr. makes an oath to himself to stop this swelling tide of Nerd change and restore Adams as the Jock stronghold it once was.

Music Portion: The Korean Elvis impersonator does something, and there's a rap song. Both are not worthy of writing home about.

Film Quality: 4 Stars

Stan Gable's Role: Stan Gable is no longer a star quarterback, now he is a lonely policeman who's pickup truck is in desperate need of repairs. He tries to exact revenge on Nerds through his pseudo-position-of-authority by giving them traffic tickets for infractions they didn't even make...but all in all..Stan Gable is but a mere shadow of his once proud self.

Yet...he's not the only one. The Head Nerd, Lewis Skolnick, has a weary mind from past battles as well. After claiming Gable's would-be wife as his own through hard fought battle and excellent sessions of love making...Lewis feels a new confidence. This new confident Lewis begins to hate his former self and he sheds all markings of his nerdom. He starts to wear cool clothes (well, sorta), he grows a stupid looking pony-tail, refers to himself as "Lew" and stops himself from laughing with his Jamie Cromwell-esque super-nerdy laugh. He believes he is a new and better man...yet just like Stan Gable...Lewis Skolnick is only a shadow of his former proud self. He has become...the dreaded Self-Hating Nerd.

Stan Gable sees this un-nerdy Skolnick as a sign of extreme weakness in his former proud enemy. He sees this as chance to prey on the once dangerous nerd and reclaim his would-be bride from the clutches of his nemesis. Gable finds a powerful ally in the dastardly yet cunning Morton Downey Jr. and together they form a nefarious alliance of evil. Through Mort's powerful connections he installs Stan Gable as the new dean of Adams.

Gable, now more cunning under the stewardship of the evil Mort Downey, attempts his clever ruse of stealing Lew's wife by using the old tactic of "keeping thy friends close but thine enemies closer" as he feigns remorse and apologizes to Lew...winning his nemesis' friendship. Lew Skolnick shakes hands with a veritable devil that Stan Gable has become...and behind Gable's back is the most sharpest of back-stabbing knives primed for the nerdly back of his enemy.

Meanwhile, the new batch of Nerds at Adams (which include John "Nay-Nay" Pinette in a rare acting role) are no match for the tandem of Morton Downey Jr. and Stan Gable...they plead for the hero of yesteryear, Lew, to help them yet he is a self-hating nerd who defends his new "friend" Stan Gable at every instance of transgression. Their only hope lies in a lawyer they find in the Tri-Lambda former members database...the man known as Booger.

Downey devises a master plan of getting the Nerds framed and arrested for drug trafficking and it succeeds without a hitch...yet shockingly, in a turn of events no one expected...Stan Gable whilst testifying against the Nerds breaks down....

It wasn't tears of defeat....

Gable's heart was heavy for a long time and his conscience weighed him down like a rock....and right there on the stand he broke down and sold out the dastardly Morton Downey Jr. instead of the Nerds! But Why!?

Do you know why Gable was crying in Revenge of The Nerds One? Because of his defeat? No, it turns out that was not the source of this man's tears, not in the least. All these years...Gable was keeping a secret. Lewis wasn't the only self-hating nerd in this movie...Stan Gable...this whole time...since the very beginning...was a Nerd...a Nerd who hated himself.

In Revenge of the Nerds 1, all those years ago, while he was the star quarterback...that day when the Nerds won and defeated the Jocks....Gable wasn't crying because he lost...nay-nay...he was crying because he wasn't able to celebrate with them. Because he was not able to be true to himself and be a proud Nerd like he knew in his heart he was...he was relegated to solitude...unable to celebrate with his brethren.

Wow. That's fucking deep, word.

Revenge of The Nerds 4: Booger Gets Married

Synopsis: Booger gets married and a bunch of stuff happens.

Music Portion: Takashi sings a nice Japanese song at the end...it's still nothing to write home about though.

 Film Quality: 1 Star

Stan Gable's Role: Gable is now a full fledged nerd with a pocket-protector, glasses, and chicken-pox. Yes, chicken pox. He misses Booger's entire wedding due to being afflicted with a nerdy skin disease and has to stay in his motel room all week playing virtual reality video games and having nerd-sex with his nerdy girlfriend. 

He's in detente now, his character has finished its growth cycle. 

Cool.

Conclusion

The Real Stan Gable

The villainous Stan Gable went from a man who viciously tormented others...to a man content and happy to be himself. It is truly a great literary transformation that is warranted as being considered one of Literature's Greatest Moments.

What is the moral of the Parable of Stan Gable? It is "Don't Lie to Yourself...."

...Always be true to yourself, very very true to your own self. All of us should be truer to our selfs, big time.

Lying to yourself? That's just stupid, guy.

Another Heino-rific Update!

The stats are down. I love stats, I gotta get the views back up....I don't even make money or anything from this dumb blog but I love numbers and I love stats.

This blog's views by country basically breakdown into this order:

1. USA
2. France
3. Germany
4. China
5. Canada
6. Russia
7. UK
8. India


So I gotta give 'em what they want. Those countries are the countries that tend to peruse my blog at times.

I write a lot of of baseball articles which probably explains why the Americans are number one in hits on this blog.

France? I have absolutely no idea why so many people in France read these articles. I don't know which articles interest them but something in this blog does, it seems. Maybe one day this month I'll write some nice french poems for France.

After I did a Chinese movie review I gotta lot hits from China...so I gave them what they wanted and did some more Chinese movie reviews by reviewing the heck out of all those Chinese Gamblin' Movies.

Germany? They like the Heino ones. I Haven't wrote anything about Heino in a long time...so let's reach out to Germany and do another hard-hittin' Heino article.

If you wanna read this blog's previous Hard Hittin' Heino articles please see:

1. The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino) (Oct/2011)
2. Is Heino's Final Form Finally Upon Us? (Jan/2013)

To sum up those two articles, we looked at Heino's ability to Heino-Volve at will and shift himself within the music paradigm and the second article chronicled what is likely to be Heino's final Heino-Volution...his transmogrification into Metal-Heino.

No, Metal-Heino isn't like a Mecha-Godzilla sorta robot version of Heino...the "Metal" in Metal-Heino refers to the musical genre...."Heavy Metal."


Why do I even Know about Heino?  

Before we get started, I bet a lot of Germans are wondering why I even know about Heino let alone why I write strange essays about him.

Heino became well know in North America for two reasons.

First, Late Show talk show host David Letterman mentioned Heino on a minimum of two separate occasions in the early nineties. The first time holding up a Liebe Mutter CD (one of the oddest looking records covers ever), and the second time showing a clip of Heino's great music...as seen here:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS5geZgcXAc)

The other party who introduced Heino to North American audiences was one of my favoritist bands ever, The Hanson Brothers, who back in 1996 released their smash-hit single "You Can't Hide the Heino" on their smash-hit record "Sudden Death" (the single was previously only released as a Europe-only promotional tune).

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw0mJfgJtJA)

Hansons live in Berlin (Heino's Heimatland)

The confirmed story as to how this song came about is believed to be that Hanson's guitarist Tommy Hollistion was in a bar in Germany after a performance....and being a known-fan of awful music...had purchased many a Heino record prior to entering the establishment. The bar in question was quite a swanky place and he felt ashamed that he had so many Heino records on his person that he attempted the best he could to hide them (under his shirt, etc.) yet the records were simply too big to conceal. It proved to be a difficult endeavor to conceal Heino records to avoid embarrassment yet in the end the truth of the matter was...the simple inarguable ubiquitous truth that..."You Can't Hide the Heino."

Alright, so that's why I know about Heino...due to Dave Letterman and the Hanson Brothers.

Heino-Volution Complete

As most people know, Heino's current form is that of Metal-Heino, which is surprisingly a monstrous hit over in Germany.

The initial larva stage of Heino's Heavy Metal transformation was met with skepticism to put it lightly...and with good reason. Heino is a very odd fellow in more ways than one and I don't think anyone thought he would try and conquer the Metal scene at the tender age of 75. When he released his first cover album of harder songs he was met with terrible criticism by many of the bands he covered.

In the second of my Heino articles, I pondered why Die Toten Hosen hated Heino so much, and I came to the conclusion that they did so to form an offensive to keep Heino away from the hardcore scene...for they knew they could not compete with his record sales. I feel this is the same reason many bands covered by Heino on his hardcore CD had such vicious criticisms of him...they feared the chameleon of music known as the Heino was now officially entering the hardcore genre.

Heino never had a number 1 hit on the German charts, ever, yet at the age of 75...Heino's hardcore CD hit number 1 on the German charts and proceeded to go platinum. Yeah, his record sales blew everyone else out of the water the second he stepped into the hardcore scene. Wow.

What about all those haters who hated on him...where was the hate when his record sales blew them out of the water? Nowhere, he shut the haters up. The metal scene figured that if they can't beat Heino...then join him. Need proof? Look who took the stage at Germany's biggest Metal Festival last year...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4X33xnSfC0)

 Heino.

It appears the larva stage of his Heino-Volution has completed and the time has come for Heino's Final Form to reach 100% of its true Music Power Level. Behold Heino's new promo photo...

Holy shit....he looks cool.

It only took him 75 years, but Heino finally looks pretty cool. He looks like Vigo the god damned Carpathian over here! What the fuck!?

Ok, Heino's not satisfied with just out-selling the other metal acts in Germany...he actually wants to become the King of Metal. He looks fucking bad ass, man.

According to a recent press release, Heino has a new Metal album coming out in December called "Black Enzian" which is supposedly way hardcorer than his last album. If this photo is any indication of how hardcore this fucking album is gonna be...then yo...this album is gonna be crazy.


Why Has Heino So Easily Conquered the Metal Scene?

How could a 75 year old man with chronic exophthalmos just walk into the metal scene and totally conquer it in less than a year? Maybe because metal kind of sucks these days.

I think it was Jello Biafra who said, "Metal has done what no gym teacher could ever accomplish...to get everyone to dress exactly the same." It's true too, metal is very uniform...the whole scene is very cookie-cutter. They all try to look the same, act the same, dance the same, and make the same song over and over and over and over. I personally cannot tell the difference between one metal band of this era to the next...I really can't...it's too cookie cutter, man.

It wouldn't hurt to fuse some other style with metal to try and get something new. I've seen rap/metal and other fusions but everyone expected that. I want real original shit...like real weird ass fusions.

Heino's not the first person to try and take his personal style and fuse it with Metal...here are some other less famous instances.

1. Pat Boone

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeKjmB2DaAs)

In 1997 Pat Boone put this garbage out. Oh boy. This album sucks ass.  Boone just takes the lyrics of harder songs and sings them in his style. It sucks balls...it really does. Don't buy this or even listen to it.


2. Richard Cheese

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qx_SEMdAlU)

This album, like Boone's, isn't really a fusion. The only thing taken from the hardcore songs are the lyrics and none of the musical components are used in the fusion. Cheese is better than Boone though...some of his numbers are pretty catchy.


3. Anton Maiden

Okay, here we go, now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout. Anton Maiden took Iron Maiden songs...converted them to 8-bit MIDI files, took out the lyrics, and put his more better lyrics over them.

Website with mp3s: http://antonmaiden.altervista.org/

I like this, I find him very original. Very unique fellow. In fact over the years when I have had the urge to listen to Iron Maiden songs...I often find myself loading up the Anton Maiden versions of them...almost as if I enjoy them more than the actual Iron Maiden versions. It's odd.

Like many Internet Celebrities of the late nineties...Anton had his share of suicide rumors. Most internet celebs did, I guess it's because it's so easy to make a suicide rumor and people seem to believe more readily that an Internet Celeb would be prone to suicide.

For example, there were countless suicide rumors about that guy who sang Aicha back in the day...but it turns out that Gellieman is not only alive and well but was not even Eastern European to fucking begin with (evidence).

There were countless rumors that Mikey, the kid who made a site to find his "future girlfriend" had done himself in. Again, all those suicide rumors were untrue...in fact Mikey is not only alive and well but is a now looking for his "future boyfriend."

With Anton though, it was a different story. When the suicide rumors started flying...unfortunately they were 100% true. Riddled with drug addiction Anton killed himself in 2003. That news floored me when it was confirmed back then...everyone loved Anton...it really seriously floored me when I read he killed himself. You were the best Anton.

Anton's unique take on Iron Maiden songs is in essence what the metal scene needs...originality!


It's Heino's Time to Shine

Metal World...take note, there's a new act on the scene...he's 75 years old and he aspires to be the King of Metal.

Hey, who says you can't teach an old dog some new tricks? That cliche has been torn to shreds by Heino in the last year.

I have a feeling his next album is gonna actually be fucking cool as fuck.


EDIT (December 10th, 2014):

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tY57TYnr9w)

Here's his smash hit music video single for his album and it's....something. Hahahahahah, this rules. The only thing I don't understand is why Heino has mounted a flare gun on his wrist watch to shoot old ladies in the face with. Metal-Heino rules.

Sweeping Retraction

I gotta make a glaring retraction from a previous article. Hey, I'm the not dumbest guy but I'm also certainly not the most smartest guy either. It seems that many a time I write dumb shit that is blatantly incorrect...but, instead of editing the article that was written a long time ago I just sort of update my opinions via retractment articles. Why? Because it's more fun.

I did a retraction once for a neuroscience one where my conclusion was way of base, I had to do it for my lengthy dissertation on Ernest P. Worrell in which the conclusion I made approached the asinine....and now I will do a retraction of statements in regards to this recent piece:


Article in Question: This Week in Satire


For that article, in the style of Mel Allen's "This Week in Baseball" I wrote reviews of recent satire pieces that society had produced over that particular week. I said some nice things and I also talked some mad mad shit at people. The following parties were mentioned:

Nice Things Said About: South Park

Mad Shit Said At: John Oliver, Jamie Oliver, and Cookie Monster

The nice things said about the Park are to be unaffected by this retraction. South Park rules, and everyone knows that.

The mad shit stated about two-thirds (2/3) of the parties in question of which mad shit was said undoubtedly need said mad shit to be amended if not totally stricken from the record.

The parties who will have mad shit which was spoken about them amended and/or retracted are one Cookie Monster and one John Oliver.

Before we continue we must first explain why talkin' mad shit is so serious, and we must also do a quick disambiguation before the article gets under way.


The Talkin' of Mad Shit

This is Raviolies

The talking of mad shit at someone is serious. You shouldn't do it unless there really exists no other option. It is very disrespectful and quite mean.

Think of the concept of "Reputation" as a clean white t-shirt. Everyone on earth is wearing this symbolic clean white t-shirt and it represents their reputation as humans. A person who's t-shirt is no longer clean has a bad reputation. So, in this figurative example...all the little petty crimes and annoying things you do manifest themselves as stains on this t-shirt. These t-shirt stains also appear as others talk shit about you.

In the case of talking mad shit at someone...it is the equivalent of taking a full plate of raviolies and whipping them at that person's white t shirt. Oh shit.

It's serious business to whip raviolies at someone's white T-shirt...and that's why talking mad shit at people is not something to do just out of the blue and for no reason. If it is the case that someone talked mad shit about someone yet they were wrong...then that person should retract all and every statement of mad shit.

Yo.


Quick Disambiguation

I re-read that This Week in Satire one, and it doesn't really flow good. I'm talkin' 'bout John Oliver in one paragraph and then Jamie Oliver in the next, and then back to John Oliver. Those two names are quite similar and I didn't even put up photos of either party...it just seems poorly structured and confusing on my part.

To disambiguate the two parties here are each side-by-side in a photograph:

They are similarly named and from the same country...they both have their own hands...but they come from different moms.


Cookie Monster

C.M. was not the main subject of the article in question, yet I was talkin' some mad smack about him as a short aside. I had read an article recently saying that Cookie doesn't even eat cookies anymore and that he eats only vegetables, and fruits, and nuts, and some berries, and this, and that. After reading that, I felt myself losing respect for Cookie Monster. I was thinking maybe he got like a vegetarian girlfriend and because of her he was eating some bull crap diet to make her happy or something like that. I've seen too many bruthas over the years start eating some bull crap diet because of their dumb girlfriends and I just naturally thought this is what happened to Cookie Monster due to my personal biases.

I was wrong.

Turns out, Cookie Monster has been talking about vegetables and shit since NINETEEN EIGHTY SEVEN (1987). I remember this song too, so it's weird that I forgot that Cookie does indeed eat other stuff at times...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBMxpDbp51A)

Cookie was even eatin' this stuff in the eighties. I totally forgot about that. I thought he really got like this retarded girlfriend that nagged him into being a vegan or something. I really thought he sold out. But, it seems like Cookie was always down with healthy foods (even cream of wheat, word up) therefore the shit I was talking about this man was not warranted.

I'm sorry Cookie, you're the best.

I love you Cookie Monster.


John Oliver

I was heaping a whole helpin' of raviolies all over John Oliver's shirt the other week. Holy shit, I ran out of raviolies and starting whippin' whole doses of spaghetti sauce all over his damned shirt. Oh, man.

I was all keened over some statements he was making about sugar...and I like sugar...so I was all in a tizzy, I really was. I truly was. I was really in a tizzy over that sugar nonsense.

However, I recently watched two videos of John Oliver collaborating with my boy Cookie Monster,

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3FKln8AQJs)

Boy is my face red. Here I am talking shit about John Oliver and I didn't even know he's down with my boy Cookie. Sorry homie. I didn't know you were chill with the Cookie Monster.

Respect via proxy is an important facet in social behavior. John is down with Cookie...and I'm down with Cookie Monster (in fact when I was a little baby I used to sleep with a plush version of his likeness)...meaning both of us share the trait of being down with Cookie Monster. Due to this downness with Cookie Monster and due to the laws of Respect Via Proxy...I must then, of course, be down with John Oliver.

I don't always know who in hollywood hangs out with who. I simply did not know that John Oliver and Cookie Mosters were homies. I honestly didn't know that and I shouldn't have talked so much shit about John Oliver in retrospect. Anyone who hangs with C.M. has to be an okay guy.


Jamie Oliver

This retraction DOES NOT apply to Jamie Oliver, all negative statements therein made about Jamie Oliver still stand. In fact I would like to apply more negative statements to Jamie Oliver while we're on the topic. I would like to apply four entirely new negative statements to Jamie Oliver.

1. Jamie Oliver is dumb
2. Jamie Oliver is really stupid
3. Jamie Oliver smells and I hate him
4. Jamie Oliver....you are the worst guy, like ever

It was recommended in the End Notes that Jamie Oliver be "Suplexed in Modulo 12" which is not a term used often and I wish to elaborate. Basically, suplexes in various modulations are just how many suplexes occur in a successive pattern, for example the following is Suplexes in Modulo 3:

Suplex in Modulo 3

I was recommending that someone, similar to Chavo Guerrero, suplex Jamie Oliver 12 times successively. I will not retract that statement, because it's the truest thing anyone's ever said.

Conclusion

I love you, Cookie Monster.

(but not more than Ernie and Grover, though)

The Coffee Efficiency Reports are In

This article is about Coffee

You drink coffee everyday? Ya, me too. I drink coffee like an animal. Some days, like the weekends, where I don't even have to go to work or anywheres in particulars...I still drink coffee like crazy, get all nuts, and then I just get out all the excess buzz by like punching and kicking the air around me for 4 straight hours.

If you're a coffee enthusiast like me, you'll be happy to know that I sent out a wicked cool robot/car that gathered information on methods of efficiently drinking coffee for cheap and my robot is back with its datum and has auto-generated its tab-delimited reports on the matter.

So without further human ado, here are this years (2014) coffee drinkers efficiency reports that everyone has been waiting for.


Pre-Amble

We shall be comparing how much the variety of ways costs to get pumped in the morning by drinking coffee.

Raw motherfuckahs who drink a lot of coffee want to know how much this shit costs them per annum. We shall be lookin' into brewing it at home with a standard coffee maker, brewing it at home with a weird ammunition loading machine like a "Keurig" or a "Tassimio" or a "Marimo." Finally, we shall look into buying your coffee from a place that sells pre-made coffee.

Obviously prices differ from region to region in North America but this will give you a general idea. To try and keep it a bit uniform I am going to take the prices currently listed on Wal-Mart's website because they have these wal-marts everywhere.


Coffee Efficiency Report

1. Brewin' the shit yo self:
(talkin' 'bout regular ass hoi polloi coffee like Maxwell's House, not like snob people coffee)

Initial investment: around $20 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $9 bux for almost 1000 grams of canned coffee.

So for an initial investment of 20 bux you can make your own shit at home in about a minute. You need about 10 grams of coffee to bang up a cup...so for each 9 buck case of ammo you buy for your coffee making device you can make about 100 cups of coffee.

If you divide 9 bux by 100 you're looking at like 9 fucking cents per cup of coffee.

1 cup of coffee = 9 cents

2. Brewin' yourself with one of those fancy-pantsin' high fallutin' "Keurig" devices:

Initial investment: around $70 bux
Cost for munitions: about like $20 bux for a "24 pack."

(note: it's hard to get a price for these "k-cup" packs...it really ranges on the type and the retailer.)


So you drop a minimum of 70 bucks to join the Keurig family, and then you gotta drop 20 bux to load up on your munitions to brew which provides 24 cups of coffee each time (you can get bigger packs, like a 48-pack which costs double that of a 24 pack). Is it just me or does this shit sound like a ponzi scheme of some manner? People buy these for their friends and family as gifts and in turn the next person falls into this expense trap of like 20 bucks for 24 coffees. The people who hook their friends don't even get any money out of it so it's even dumber than a ponzi scheme.

So, 20 / 24 = 0.83. It is about 83 cents a cup with these highfalutin bozo machines. About 9x more per-cup than a regulation machine.

1 cup of coffee = 83 cents

3. Buyin' it at fast food places
(I know there's a lot of differentiation in price between Dunkin's and MacDickweed's and Starfucks, and I know some of these highfalutin art-school-kid places charge an arm and a dong for a cup of the brown stuff...so I'm just gonna go with Dunkin's going price listed on their site to make matters easier)

Initial investment: 0 bux
Cost for munitions: $1.49 for a "small" cup of coffee

That's like the cheapest coffee you can buy from a retail coffee issuer. I mean, I've been to art-school-kid cafes where like they want quadruple or even quintuple the price for one cup of stupid coffee. Either way my secret spy robot/car that scoured the countryside to obtain this data chose Dunkin prices so that's what this article will go with.

1 cup of coffee = 1.49 per cup.


Analysis over Annum

If y'all motherfuckers drink on average 2 cups of coffee per day (I know most of you, like me, drink more but my robot/car made the reports with 2 as the based god number)....

2 x 365 (days in North American calender) =  730 cupz

Regulation Coffee Maker: 0.09 x 730 =  $65.70
Keurig Coffee Maker: 0.83 x 730 = $605.90
Fast Food Accruement: 1.49 x 730 =  $1,087.70

Dudes, chicks, (or trannies) who make their own shit spend like not even 70 bucks a year on coffee. Keurig people spend about 10x more on coffee expenses...whist motherfuckas who buy their coffee from fast food as their morning ritual spend over 1,000 bux a year if they do that everyday (every single day seems excessive but even every second day would still rack up 543 bux an annum).


Finishing Paragraph

I love reducin' my expenses like a frugal man. I make my own beer and shit and it costs me like 30 bux for 50 beerz now and they taste more good than crappy beer too.

I wish I could buy a small island, make a coffee farm, and form a trusty well-to-do gang of Mexican-looking people with donkeys and get my hands on my own coffee beans. We'd take pride in our work and only pick the best beans and throw out the dumb/ugly beans...and we'd work up a sweat all day, me and these Mexican guys. When the harvest was done we'd all high five and shit, too. That would be cool. Me and them would really feel like we put in an honest day's work...day in and day out.

That's just a dream, I know I'll never be a Mexican-looking guy who has a coffee farm...that's only for my dreams. Everyday would be like a sunny holiday if I owned my own coffee-farm/island.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cysIKz8H3Rg)

The best a frugal and cheap man like me can do to efficiently drink coffee is to use the regulation coffee maker method which amounts to only about 70 bux a year of expenses after the initial 20 buck investment in the machinery.