Palette Cleanser: Let's Rate More Ernest Movies.

Getting heavy. Getting 2 heavy. The views stats are back up thanks to that last one. It's hard writing 'bout Heavy topics. It actually is.

It stress me out this shit, it do, writin' 'bout heavy shit and whatnot. Hey, you know my doctor? That Doctor Vinnie Boombatz? Yeah? Well, I was talking to him the other day and I was like....

"I tell ya doc the last week I was in rough shape. This week I'm okay but the last week? Ho oh, I was in rough shape. I tell ya doc... It's the pressure and this pressure is like a Heaviness and it's always on top of me this Heaviness. I mean other people wake up in the morning and they go "ok wow, it's a new day" .... but when I wake up the Heaviness is right there waiting for me .... and I say "Hello there Heaviness, how are you today?" and The Heaviness looks back at me it goes "Today you're gonna get it GOOD. You're gonna get The Heaviness GOOOD today!" 1

I don't wanna cover no heavy topics no more. Fuck that. I'm done with The Heaviness. I'm gonna stick to stuff that's fun from now on.... gonna do Science, Baseball, and Ernest related topics for the well for-see-able future. Fuck the Heaviness, man. I'm gonna stick to fun topics from now on.

Baseball, Science, and Ernest....

Hmmm, which topic? Let's see. I'm gonna do an Ernest one.

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 1 - Dangerfield, Rodney - "Heaviness" - Preformed at many Various Locations and Instances. (See: HERE for further information regarding "The Heaviness")

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More Ernest

I've written about Ernest on a semi-frequent basis. These ones:

The Long One: The Greatest Debate Still Rages On

Retraction made to that Piece: A Small Retraction Concerning Statements Made about Ernest

Ernest came up at length in this as well: The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most

Reviewing more Ernest movies, that seems like a good idea for this silly writing hobby. That's a fun mental exercise, I'd say. I'm gonna do just that...review some more Ernest movies.

All the good ones were done in the first article though. Like Camp, Jail, Scared, and Christmas were all covered already .... it's only the crappier ones that are left ... like School, Dunk, Africa, Army .... actually Dunk is a pretty decent flick and Army has its moments.

Maybe do like four. Let's do....

1. How's the Weather, Ernest?
2. Slam Dunk Ernest
3. Kung Fu Ernest 
4. Hail to the Ernest

Standard tournament bracket rules. The four films will square off and then two will advance to the finals and then one will be declared Best Ernest Film out of The Four Covered in this Article.



1. How's the Weather, Ernest?

Starring: Ernest, Lyman Ward, Jackée Harry, Gailard Sartain, and Bill Byrge.

Synopsis: Our favorite friend, Ernest, is a cameraman at a local Briarville channel 9 News Station. He enjoys his cameraman job but an undying aspiration to be a the local Briarville Weather Man burns in his heart and soul like a burning unquenchable tempest.

Luck would have it that on the tail end of one soft spring afternoon, the station's current weather man Welman St. Claire (portrayed by the always affable Lyman Ward) calls in sick at the last minute which leaves no one available to film the day's weather segment. Ernest is asked to do it but his shyness and timidness prevent him from taking the Weather Stage. The curt yet sophisticated anchor woman portrayed by actress Jackée Harry manages to instill a small amount of confidence in Ernest and convinces our loveable friend to fill in for Welman St. Claire and do the weather segment.

Ernest makes an on air gaffe so extreme and damaging to Channel Nine's image that they declare letting Ernest do the Weather as the worst mistake made in Channel Nine's entire history. The Channel 9 news team try and say nice things about him to help him keep his job but it proves to no avail as the Channel 9 big wigs promptly fire Ernest and inform him to clear out his personal possessions from the premises and leave...for good and for ever.

Ernest takes his time cleaning out his personal possessions and loading them into a beat up cardboard box... everyone says bye to him, tries to console him, and leaves ... Ernest sits alone in the dark office saying his last good bye to it .... when all of a sudden an alarm goes off on the Storm Tracker Accu-Cast weather program on the computer! It turns out a GIGANTIC STORM is approaching Missouri! Ernest springs into to action! He boots up the network and turns on the satellite to go LIVE ON THE AIR to inform everyone of the impending tornado and to activate the emergency broadcast system so all Briarville residents can find shelter and safety!

The Storm Tracker shows this storm will be historic in nature and may even destroy all of Briarville. Our Hero Ernest remembers something he learned in grade school concerning wind currents, that the center of the storm is massively hot, and decides to quell the tornado by strapping himself to a refrigerator and launching himself out of a cannon designed by Gailard Sartain and Bobby .... right into the storm to cool the center down and dissipate it (Note: The science applied to this scene makes no sense but it's just a movie).

Ernest and Gailard's plan succeed and Ernest is considered the Hero of Briarville and anointed as their Permanent Weather Man after the promotion of Welman St. Claire to co-anchor. Wow.

My Opinion: Definitely one of the better Ernest films of the era, I'd say. The action of the climax scene is surprisingly cool, the acting especially by Lyman Ward is actually top notch, and comedically both Ernest and Jackée Harrée are at their utmost finest.

The sadness scene after he is fired where he mopes around the office is touching, it is. It really is touching. I was touched. All in all one of the greatest Ernest Films of the Era, no doubt.

 



2. Slam Dunk Ernest

Starring: You know it, Ernest, Cylk Cozart, Miguel Nunez (that dude from the GREAT movie "Juwanna Mann"), and starring Basketball Royalty and Legend of Legends Mr. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Synopsis: Our man, Ernest, is a maintenance man at a local shopping mall but has the most golden of aspirations to be an NBA basketball star. He joins the mall's basketball team which plays in a local pick up league.

Sadly, Ernest is a terrible basketball player and his team mates don't really want him on the team. Yet, as luck would have it ... Our mainest of men Ernest is visited in the Night by an Angel (portrayed by Basketball Icon Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) who entrusts our good bud Ernest with an ancient relic in the form of sneakers which imbue ancient Basketball skills unto Ernest which transforms him into a Basketball Phenom and Super Star.

Ernest turns his mall team Clean Sweep into a juggernaut of basketball playing prowess thanks to the magical shoes ... but there is a catch to these shoes ... they are the devil's patch work ... they are but devil's make ... cobbled together by a demon in human skin known as Zamiel Moloch. As Ernest's skills grow thanks to the cursed shoes so does his arrogance. Ernest stops passing the ball to his teammates as he feels far superior in skill to them and feels he can win on his own without their help.

Mistrust grows further as the former star player of Clean Sweep's son renounces his father's teachings in regards to his basketball training in order to adopt Ernest's style of training which simply boils down to buying expensive looking shoes. The father played by Cylk Cozart tries to explain to his son that it takes hard work, dedication, and practice to become better at the art and science of Basketball yet his son has already gone to the dark side and is convinced basketball skills come from expensive shoes.

Clean Sweep is so good thanks to Ernest that they are invited to play the NBA team the Charlotte Hornets in an exhibition match. Ernest, however, has a crise-de-conscience as he knows he is only good due to the Sneakers and is sad that his team mates dislike him due to his insurmountable arrogance he has displayed towards them. He rids himself of the cursed shoes forged by the devilish Zamiel Moloch and resumes his status on Clean Sweep as bench warmer for the big game against the Hornets.

Will he score the big basket or be relegated to eternal human solitude for his arrogant ways? Only time will tell.

My Opinion: A very romantic film, a very simple romantic film of Basketball Good versus Basketball Evil. Film's turn out better when you keep them simple like this. The New Star Wars is a good movie because I think they went back to simple story telling instead of long-winded silly story telling.

Slam Dunk Ernest is a very straight shooting film that manages to be deeply introspective at times. Deeply basketballingly introspective ... that term sounds silly ... but it truly is deeply basketballingly introspective.




3. Kung Fu Ernest

Starring: Who Else? The Ernest, Jacklyn Wu, Norman D Golden II, and Bolo Yeung.

Synopsis: The Ernest of all things Earnest is a karate instructor at a local dojo where he teaches karate moves to young inner city kids. He dreams large though, he indeed dreams large. He has dreams of being a black belt karate champion known the world over.

Bolo. Bolo. Bolo.

Trouble and dilemma befall our hero as the state plans to cancel the inner city youth karate program and close the state funded dojo. One of the children, played by Norman D Golden the Second, refuses to let this turn of events unfold and looks for methods to stop the closure of the dojo. He finds an ad for a karate competition in the local paper and urges his sensei, The Venerable Ernest P. Worrell, who claims to be the Master of 36 Divine Karate Moves and 72 Earthly Kung Fu Moves to compete and use the prize money to operate the dojo.

Truth be told, Ernest was lying to the kids about his Mastery of the Karate and admits to being a fraud who just yells loud and does exaggerated chops but the boy won't believe it and Ernest is left with no other choice but to compete.

The tournament's stakes are high and many competitors are left injured to reigning champion Song-Wong Sung (played by the great man Bolo Yeung). Ernest is scared and claims his Auntie Nelda needs him to do some chores at home and attempts to flee the arena yet Sung calls him out and drags him to the arena to compete.

Can the Masterful Ernest win the day and defeat Song-Wong Sung or will all be lost ???

My Opinion: Top notch Ernest movie. He does well when he tries to pull off a Buffoon Badass Character which we previously saw in Ernest Scared Stupid. The Karate is surprisingly good too for a silly movie and the flips and stunts are top notch. The fighting is made to look pretty real and kids who watch this movie would genuinely find that entertaining.

All things considered, an above average Ernest film offering.



4. Hail to the Ernest

Starring: Guess Who? Ernest of course, Morton Downey Jr, Judy Tenuta, Sam MacMurray, and Gailard Sartain.

Synopsis: Ernest and his best buddy Vernon are sitting and watching television when a campaign ad comes on for Congressman Preston Best (portrayed by the Dastardly Morton Downey Jr.) who is running to be President of the United States of America. Ernest starts talking to Vernon about how silly this dufus is and makes a joke to Vern (who by the way is never shown on screen and is always off camera) that "runnin' for that president looks easy as pie, Vern" and then the camera nods up and down to simulate Vern nodding in agreement. The audience can't hear Vern's response (for unknown reasons) yet Ernest replies to the unheard response with "Really, Vern? You think so? You think your ol' buddy Ernest could be a President? No kiddin' Vern?" and again the camera goes up and down to simulate Vern saying "Yes" to Ernest's query.

Gee Vern, I sure would love to be President

Ernest amasses the necessarily signatures to apply to run for President and formally submits his application. Our good buddy Ernest quickly realizes that "runnin' for that President" is actually quite easy. He doesn't know it but it turns out a good portion of the voters are either just as smart or less smart than Ernest and he wins all of these voters over in a matter of weeks thanks to his silly behavior that is seen as relatable to by the voting public at large. For example when asked what he'd do about "illegals" coming over the boarder ... Ernest replies that he'd build a wall around the boarder ... but he really didn't even understand the question to begin with and had no idea they were asking him about people.... he thought illegals meant like rabbits or deers or some critter of that nature.

Trouble is on the horizon for our most favorite friend Ernest as Congressman Best becomes infuriated that Ernest is STEALING his low education voter core from him in this Presidential election. Preston Best goes on the offensive and starts saying even STUPIDER things than Ernest is saying in order to win the American populace back on his side. The Presidential race quickly devolves into a Stupidity Contest and Preston Best slowly inches into the lead.

Trouble doubles over for Ernest when Best invites him to his mansion and informs Ernest that if he doesn't pull out of this Stupidity Contest then his financial backer of the Krader Corporation (played by Sam MacMurray) will leave no stone unturned in order to de-rail the Ernest Train that is sweeping America.

Ernest formally announces he is pulling himself out of the race over fears instilled in him by Best and Krader Corp. and he returns home to sulk ... yet his sulking is interrupted by a knock on his door ... it is investigative reporter and talented accordion player Olga Reinheart (played by the always upbeat and likeable Judy Tenuta). Reinhart has amassed a massive file of dirt on Best and Krader company over the years and wants to present it to our greatest pal Ernest.

Ernest is renewed with vigor to fulfill his dream of bein' a President and together with Reinheart rent out a concert hall where they sing a duet (Ernest singing while Reinheart accompanies on accordion) in the tune of Yankee Doodle but the lyrics are details of crimes that Krader Corporation and Best have committed over the last decade while Best was a congressman. The public is then won over by Ernest.

Ernest is elected President of the United States of America with Olga Reinheart as Vice-President.

My Opinion: This film isn't that great, Ernest and Tenuta have good chemistry though. Downey and MacMurray are GREAT as villains but it never really gets that Ernest Oomph going that most Ernest films generate.

It's eerie to re-watch this film nowadays because back then it was a comedy to have Jim Varney and Morton Downey Jr. having a Stupidity Contest in order to crown the next President of America .... but if you watch the current real life Presidential Race in real life right now ... it's just eerie. Re-Watching Hail to the Ernest in 2016 .... it feels more like this film is a Chilling Look Into the Crystal Ball of a Possible Future of Post 90s America more so than a 1990 comedy film. There's so many similarities that I even suspect that some candidates like Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Ben Carson and others have not only seen this obscure film ... but have copied and plagiarized large chunks of it.

All in all a decent Ernest movie but eerie to Re-Watch in regards to the current political climate in which one can draw too many obvious similarities to.


Conclusion

Out of these four selections out of the tapestry of magic in which encapsulates Ernest film Lore ... I'd say Slam Dunk Ernest is the best of the four.

I think, as we've seen in the New Stars Wars movie (fuck you Kylo Ren, by the way, you're a jabroni, a huge one), that simple story telling isn't a bad way to go with story. You don't have to jazz up your shtick with too much complicated crap.... Slam Dunk Ernest is a story of good versus evil ... of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar versus Zamiel Moloch ...

When good battles evil ... which side do you believe wins in the End?

Great Moments in Literature 4: Leroy's Momma!

I've done a couple of essays called "Great Moments in Literature" in the last year or two. One was about Bob Backlund, one about Stan Gable and then one about Piccolo.

Past "Great Moments in Literature" :

1. Bob Backlund

2. Stan Gable

3. Piccolo

They all share the same thread of characters in media who's character-growth throughout their respective stories have been very interesting, unique and fun to follow.



I want to do another one, I've been reading some articles lately on the net which would be categorized as "feminist film reviews" I guess you'd call them...and I find this style of article writing to be really strange. The writers (95% of the time are females)....will review movies...but not in the traditional sense...they will review a movie but only in regards to how it deals with current buzzwords they care about and which buzzwords are currently popular at universities and other "fun" environments they frequent.

So the review of any movie in that style will go something along the lines of....

"There was four instances of -Damsel in Distress- within the first hour of this film which tipped me off that this movie was not going to be any good. It made some headway when it briefly depicted an Independent Woman in the scene out by the warehouse....yet that glimmer of hope didn't last long. Right after the warehouse scene there's a -TRIGGER WARNING-....a long -rape- scene which even goes as far as to use this rape scene as the entire sub plot for the remainder of the film. I give this movie zero stars out of 5."

-(hypothetical review of a movie in a university/college type of style)

The final review in this new style doesn't seem based on if they enjoyed the film or if they found it to be a well made film....but they base the final review on whether certain buzz concepts which are popular at colleges were adequately dealt with by the film makers.

Now, not to be rude but, this is kinda fucking stupid. The criterion for whether a human enjoys a movie they just watched should be based on whether they enjoyed the film or not. People shouldn't be watching entertainment media to see if it is conforming to current political correctness buzzwords. That takes the whole fun away from watching movies.

These buzzwords are silly too. They are semantically variable to the extent that any movie could be subjected to these nonsensical concepts and deemed not to conform to them. For instance, say I take this review-writing style and apply it to the film Saving Private Ryan.....

"In this film, within the first moments we are introduced to a -Damsel in Distress- situation in which Mat Damon is kidnapped by interlopers and held captive against his will. Typically, the heroic hero played by Chet Hanks has to come to the rescue of this poor damsel and save the day. -TRIGGER WARNING- Chet Hanks and his posse resort to murder to solve their problems and kill the men holding Matt Damon hostage. What is this saying to kids? That murder is the right way to solve your problems? I can't believe this. Oh and Matt Damon? How can you reduce yourself to portraying a Damsel in Distress? How low have you sunk? I give Saving Private Ryan zero stars out of five."

(-hypothetical review of Saving Private Ryan written in college-style)

That above review is actually technically true...but....it's a very distorted take on that film. Most people who saw that movie would call Matt Damon a Prisoner of War and not a Damsel in Distress...and most people would condone of the murder of stinky nazis in order to save that Prisoner of War. Everyone would see it that way...except those looking through the eyes of modern day college students.

 It's all just buzzwords this shit.

The other thing that bugs me about it is that everyone is flipping over these Hunger Games movies...which I've never seen so I don't know much to comment on them. I'm just gonna comment on the reaction to these films. Everyone is raving and raving about these Hunger whats-its. They're making it out to be like this is the first time a female has ever been heroic in a movie before. Like this movie has broken some sort of mold and is historic in nature. Yeah right. It hasn't broken any mold whatsoever.

Go watch Kill Bill for fuck's sake. Uma Thurman was fucking dudes up in that movie...like 88 of 'em at a time...with a samurai sword and she was doing that way before that Hunger Games kid was doing whatever it is she does in her movie.

I think maybe the main reason the females (and even some dudes who want to impress the females) at these universities are so uptight about watching movies....is because they simply don't watch the right movies! You just watch shitty movies, that's all. Watch some fucking good movies for a change.

The kind of movies I watch have lots and lots of bad female chicks in them, usually. Chicks who always fuck dudes up. When I was reading articles of people saying that the Hunger Games is providing audiences with the first heroic female of all time.... I was like, No Way Jose... my mind raced to powerful female women I've seen in good movies before. Kill Bill's Beatrice Kiddo was one of them....but do you know what the FIRST name my brain thought of when it thought of bad ass heroic female heroes in film?

Gail Neely.

Who, you're asking? You don't know who that is? Of course you don't, you just watch these mainstream movies that suck dick all week....you wouldn't know who Gail Neely is! I am talking about Leroy's Momma!

 Momma Washington!

Eleanor Washington: The Baddest Momma

...Only one person is powerful enuff, brave enuff, daring enuff to stop them.

....Only one person can ensure that Surf Nazis.....MUST DIE!

She's Tuff! She's Dangerous! SHE IS ALL WOMAN!

She's Leroy's Momma......and as long as she's ALIVE....the Surf Nazis.....MUST DIE!!!!!!!

Come taste Momma's cooking....ya dirty Surf Nazis!!!

Film: Surf Nazis Must Die

Synopsis: California's gang wars spiral out of control after an earthquake leads the state into a prolonged depression. The police cannot combat the gang warfare and simply give up. One gang wins the gang wars and takes claim of the entire state of California and that gang is....the dreaded Surf Nazis and all tremble at their power and cruelty.

One man, engineer Leroy Washington, who has devoted his life to rebuilding California back to it's pre-earthquake state runs afoul with the Surf Nazis on his way to work. After trying to fight them, outnumbered by a vast margin, the valiant Leroy is murdered by those terrible and cruel Surf Nazis.

Just another person murdered unjustly by the most dangerous gang in California....like so many others before him. The sate of California is truly in shambles. It is crippled and in shambles...total shambles.

Meanwhile, at a local elderly care residence, a woman sits by herself. She is old and living out the last of her days in peace at this old folk's home by smoking cigars and gambling with the other old ladies. She is happy and proud that her son has vowed to bring California back from economic and social collapse using his mastery of engineering. Yet woe is to be her upon hearing of her son Leroy's untimely death at the hands of.....Surf Nazis.

Eleanor Washington is a nice woman without a pinch of malice in her entire body. She is the quintessential Momma....she's sweet, nice, a great cook, with a loving warm embrace and gentle smile. A true Mother in every sense of the word.

Yet, what is a Mother with no child? How can she go on living out her lonely days in the old folk's home with no son to be proud of? No offspring to carry on her legacy? No child to call her own? The simple answer to her heart wrenching questions is that she can not.

A weaker mother may have commited suicide....but Eleanor? She doesn't want to stop living. No. She wants the scum who murdered her son TO STOP LIVING! Our Hero bursts out of her old folk's home like a woman possessed....in order to commence her mission....her mission of....

.....Destroying every last one of those filthy Surf Nazis!


Greatest Female Hero in Media History?

What is the hallmark and pinnacle of being a Woman? There are those that say that it is being a good and loving Mother....that is what makes a woman a Hero.

Yet there's also those who claim the pinnacle and hallmark of womanhood is standing up for what's right and killing Nazi Surfers.

These two schools of thought on what makes a Woman a Hero seem dialectically opposed on the surface....but the question is begged on this matter...what if a Woman can be Both?

GAT + SPEEDBOAT = NAZI KILLIN' MACHINE!

What if a woman has all the traits of a Victorian mother figure. Super Nurturing, Super Loving, and makes Great Food.

but.....

What if she also possesses the traits of a Surf Nazi Killing Machine? Able to ride motorcycles, shoot guns with deadly accuracy, able to ride shotgun on a speedboat while picking off fleeing Surf Nazis with her trusty Gat?

Would it not then be sound of mind to declare the character who possess both skill sets set out by both schools of thought on the matter of what it takes to be a heroic woman....to be the greatest female hero in all of media?

This argument seems sound to me.


Conclusion

Lots of questions were raised here, so let's recap.

Is Gail Neely the Greatest Female Hero in All of Media? YES, she beats out Uma Thurman, Pam Grier, Xena, and others for the honor and distinction as such....Yes.

Do College Kids Know how to Watch Movies? No. They watch movies poorly. They don't watch movies to enjoy them or to be edified by them. They watch movies so they can try and apply silly things they learned in school to entertainment data in order to attempt to feel intelligent.

Do College Kids Watch the Right Movies? No. They watch crappy movies and wouldn't even know a good movie if they actually did accidentally watch a good movie. Their brains probably wouldn't even be able to code a good movie into memories because they are too stupid.

Did the Hunger Games create the first Woman Hero? Nope. I'm pretty sure chicks like Joan D'Arc, Beatrice Kiddo....and that bad bad bad, shut yo mouth, bad, bad, BAD, BAD Momma Eleanor Washington were being bad ass way before Hunger Games came out.

That skinny blonde girl from Hunger Games is not the first positive heroic female role model of all time. If figurative push ever came to hypothetical shove and her character had to fight Gail Neely's character (or even Uma's character) in a fantasy match....I would bet good money that Momma Washington would fuck that lady up! One Hundred and Ten Percent....fuck that lady up!


Anyways.....College Kids, start watching better movies....and stop taking movies so seriously? Okay? Movies are just movies.

Rock for Hall of Fame (For the Umpteenth Time!)

It's a personal human tradition for me to write in this blog one month prior to Baseball Hall of Fame voting time to launch an impassioned plea for sports super star and icon, Mr. Rock Raines, to be accepted into baseball's most hallowed of shrines.

Previous Ones:

2011: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2011/12/baseball-hall-of-fame-is-incomplete.html

2012: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2012/12/last-year-prior-to-hall-of-fame-voting.html

2013: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2013/11/rock-hall-3.html

2014: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2014/10/the-greatest-lead-off-guys-evar.html
(this one I wrote whilst watching the world series and went on really looong and I wroted A LOT).


In all seriousness, I'm out of things to say......I really am.

So.....This year we will be comparing the Rock to other people and things who share the monicker of "Rock" and attempt to decide via a scientific ranking method....which is the greatest Rock of All Time.

The entries are the following:

1) Tim "Rock" Raines
2) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
3) Rock and Roll (the musical genre)
4) Charles "Roc" Dutton
5) Actual Rocks (like you see in mountains and in nature and whatnot)


Which of these five Rocks shall be crowned the King Rock? You'll have to read to find out (or scroll to the bottom...I guess that would work too).


The Rocks 


1) Tim "Rock" Raines

Tim Raines is the greatest. Tim Raines is an icon. Tim Raines is by far one of baseball's champions of the 80s and 90s.

This man could really play well. He could really knock it out. He was number one in the mix. He was the greatest baseball player. He could really rock it out. He could literally Rock the Place Apart.

Rock over London.
Rock on Chicago.
Wheaties.....Breakfast of Champions!

Tim Raines can Rock...he can Roll....he can Rock 'til the age of 101 years old and therefore his final rating on a scale of 100 will be 101. Wow.


Final Overall Classification: 101/100




2) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Dwayne Johnson is in this contest? Oh crap. That's some stern competition for Greatest Rock of All Time. This Rock is a Legend too.

The Rock Says, The Rock Says....

This man was at one time the self proclaimed Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment. He is possibly the most quoted man of all time. People think like Einstein or someone is the most quoted man of all time....but they are very wrong.

If the Rock said anything back in the day....800 million people would start saying it the next day at work and at school. Like one time he said...."know your role".....and the day after he said that EVERYONE started saying that. Like, one time he called someone a Jabroni and then EVERYONE started to say that.

Now, as a person who oft uses the term Jabroni, it must be noted that the Rock did not invent that term but merely propelled it into stardom and into the Webster's Dictionary.

In the Documentary film, "The Sheik", by the Magen Brothers....The Rock has this to say about where he came across the term "Jabroni"....

"[Sheik took me under his wing to share his insight and wisdom]....and I'll never forget, I'll never ever forget...it was a very long flight and he said....'Bubba, let me tell ya, you go into the locker room, you sit down, you keep your mouth shut, you open your ears and you listen to everybody, ok? Don't be the Jabroni'...."

        (The Rock, from The Sheik Movie, 2014)


It is an undisputed fact that he learned the word from the Iron Sheik....but even then...it was the Rock who propelled that term into being the greatest word of the modern era.

It is. It's AWESOME.

It is a pretty great feat to have introduced the greatest word of all time into our lexicon. Damn, this greatest Rock of All Time is going to be harder to declare then I previously thought it was going to be.

All in All, Dwayne Johnson may have coined the best word of our times but since the Iron Sheik originated it....unfortunately......this Rock must be given a negative 10 deduction to his otherwise perfect score.

Final Overall Classification: 90/100



3. Rock and(/or) Roll, The Musical Genre

Everyone always tells me that Rock and Roll is Dead. That it died in about 1991. We know music sucks now and no one makes good music anymore....but is Rock n' Roll really Dead?

I don't think so. I think Rock and Roll has been jettisoned from the music scene these days but I know for A FACT that Rock and Roll cannot die. Rock and Roll is more powerful than a mere human like you or I can grasp. Even if we cannot see Rock and Roll anymore in today's music it doesn't mean it's gone forever.

Yes, as of right now Rock and Roll is dormant....yet.....we all know that no one can kill Rock and Roll. You might think Rock and Roll is dead...but one day, you're gonna walk into a MacDonald's and out of nowhere....Rock and Roll is gonna Rise Above like a Phoenix of the Night and Rock your fucking ass OFF.

Ya!

Rock n' Roll is not dead....it's just harder to find it these days.

Final Overall Classification: 67/100

4. Charles "Roc" Dutton

Now, I've read that he Don Kinged some dude(s) back in the day and I don't know anything about that. It's neither here nor there....I only know Charles "Roc" Dutton from the characters he's portrayed in Movies and Tv Shows.

It's not so much his portrayal of the Roc character that wins him a spot on the list of greatest Rocks of All Time (and yes I understand that his name is missing the K and it's more like Roc the mythical bird but whatever). It is his portrayal of the maintenance man in "Rudy" that wins him a spot on this list.

Man, in that movie Rudy...that friggin' Rudy was being a little weiner at one point being all whiny and shit....and then Roc tells him...."Rudy, you're a spoiled brat...you think that getting a college grade education is a "waste"? You're a fool, Rudy." (or something to that extent...I'll see if there's a clip on youtubes).

Oh shit....there's a REGIS VERSION!? WHAT THE HECK!? This is cool.....

Haha. This is cool.

I saw that movie Rudy when I was a youngster and that scene really taught me to "Count my Blessings as Such" and that's a pretty powerful lesson for a youngster to learn, bubba, and I learned that very valuable life lesson from the Roc....so yeah...he really does deserve a spot on the greatest Rocks list even if he is missing the K in his name.

Final Overall Classification: 74/100


5. Actual Literal Rocks like in Nature and Mountains and Whatnot

There's three types of geologically classified Rocks and that's...

1. Igneous
2. Sedimentary

and,

3. Meta-Morphic

People flip over Meta-Morphic because it sounds like some Voltron or Power Rangers type rock but it's not. Meta-Morphic mostly has to do with lava and volcanoes.....which is kind lame.

Whatever, Actual Rocks. Who Cares?

Igneous sounds like a sturdy sorta Rock you can really hang your hat on. I respect Igneous Rocks, yes. Sedimentary is cool because it's all layer on layer and it looks nice when you see like a mountain that has all these layers of different colors. It's very appealing to the eye.

I mean lava, and layers, and sturdiness is ok and everything....but I'm not really all that a big huge fan of regular rocks. Like, you can be in snowball fight and a stupid kid'll throw a snowball that has a rock, or stone, or pebble in it...and that's it man....you get that in the face and it's lights out and someone's mom makes you stop playing snow ball fight and everyone has to go home.

Never really liked Literal Rocks all that much, really.

Final Overall Classification: 42/100



Final Assessment on Rocks

From worst to most Greatest Ever.....

5. Literal Actual Rocks like in Nature and Mountains and Whatnot
4. Rock and Roll The Musical Genre
3. Charles "Roc" Dutton
2. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson


and.......The Greatest Rock of All Time........is......

1. Tim "Rock" Raines !!!!  

 

Food

I read a lot about two chems these days in global media outlets. Atrazine and Glysophate. People are scared of them and the media is all over this. The articles on every news outlet usually go down with this formula:

Headline of: "This Dangerous Chem is Banned in Europe but Not Where We Live!?"
Article consists of: Blah, blah, blah, blah.
User Comments Section: 500 instances of "Oh my Sweet Lord why isn't this Chem Banned!?"

Why if something is banned in Europe should it be banned everywhere? Is Europe like the number 1 and most efficient food producer on earth? No, not even close. Why is Europe supposed to be the leader and pace setter for agricultural practices then? Who knows. It's not the nation everyone should try to emulate in regards to agriculture...not in the least.

Here are the top producers of crops globally. You'll notice the country known as Europe is very rarely in the top 5 and rarely ever in the lead in any crop category

(Source: United Nations FAOSTAT)

Buck Cereals

Buck Vegetables

Buck Fruits

Buck Fruits, Continued.

 Buck Meats and Whatnot

And of course Deez Nuts (Got EEEM)

If You're Not Number 1....then just Pretend that You Are, That's All


Wow, China, China, China, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Number one is always China, China, China, almost ad nauseam. Reading this leaders list is like listening to a Donnie Trump speech. China, China, China, China, Chi-NA. Chiii-na, CHINA, China, China, China......

 I hafta have my China

China in some categories is like off the charts in the lead too. China makes over 200 million tonnes of rice per year. That's quite a lot of rice.

America isn't bad either. It produces the most corn on earth by a large margin. Why is this? Countries like China and USA can be number one because they value science, they aren't scared of the word GMO, they figure out what works and go with it. They reduce land use and get more out of it...they make MORE with LESS because they are smart and good at it.

The USDA shows the evolution of corn production in the USA with this line graph and the big spurts in production coincide with the biological advances made in science. They have mastered making corn. How did they do it? With research and science, that's how.

Alright so as we can see from the data....Europe is not number one in agriculture, but it seems every news article I read tends to think that it is for some reason. This whole "Europe is doing it! So we have to do it!" motif is based on what exactly?

It's like being in school and everyone wants to copy the dullard in class and be like them. It's like the whole world is in school and Europe is the dumb kid picking his nose and eating his boogers in the back of the class...yet for some crazy reason...everyone in the class wants to emulate his behavior for some unknown reason. Why? Who the fuck knows. I don't know.

Another comparison is that every nation in the world is in school, every country, and everyone is getting good grades except for that dullard Europe...so instead of studying harder and doing research and learning something...Europe just goes around the class with a hammer and beats all the other students in the head with it until they are as stupid as he/she is. Actually that example is even better because THEY ARE DOING THAT.


Organic

If you can't be the best...just pretend you are.

Europe might not make the most, or best, crops but at least they have an ad campaign to pretend they do. Their crops are holier than any other crops. They have an air of regality and sophistication that other crops don't have.

Europe has the Aristocratic equivalent of Farm Produce....they have Organic food. What is Organic food? It's a label. The organic industry is on an honor system...there's no inspectors or guidelines. You pay to get the Organic seal of approval and then you can slap it on your shit.

We all know that most of food produced comes from China, and that doesn't change with organic food. The food is still from China, the same stuff, except it has a package which says Organic Peas instead of Peas. That's it, that's all it is. Same product but just a silly little label on it....like Tommy Hilfiger grey t-shirt instead of just a grey t-shirt, you know?

Why is this? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings over this because I know a lot of fat rich white people love this Organic shit....but Organic is a form of Mercantilism that is used to keep the profits in Europe and out of places like Africa.


Neo Mercantilism

I am always interested in reading about countries where hungry-ass people live. Countries where deaths from mal-nourishment and starvation are a real thing. I was following Golden Rice and why certain groups want it banned and I am surprised that people in countries where they need to figure out how to make crops flourish in order to make sure people have food to eat actually have a positive opinion of GMOs.

Golden Rice synthesizes beta-caratine into rice in order to deal with the problem that many children on earth don't get enough of this and go blind in their formative years. Most poor people eat rice for their only meal a day and if you can get the nutrients they need into the next batch of rice crops then that may be a substantive method of solving that problem. Poor countries want this. They want GMOs. It's groups of lawyers from Environmental "Charities" who want Golden Rice banned....not the countries with heavy problems of childhood blindness, undernourishment, and death.

Europe has gone on such a firebrand preacher escapade of promoting organic and vilifying GMO that it is actually making a concerted effort to keep people hungry.

Europe doesn't produce much food AT ALL but it exports a shit ton of food. It imports raw goods and then sells products derived from these raw food imports. All of the laws in Europe and the laws it negotiates during trade talks center around this. Keep the raw goods coming in and products going out. Import some coffee...freeze dry it....throw on some Organic bull shit thing on it...and then export it at 1000x of what you paid for it.

Again, I am always interested in reading what people in places where hunger is a reality feel about the organic movement and the anti-GMO firebrand evangelicalism of Europe. I was reading an article by Calestous Juma, a man who's field of study is getting every mouth fed in Africa...and again....I am both surprised and relieved that people in Africa who want to solve hunger problems have a VERY POSITIVE view of GMOs.

Juma: How the EU Starves Africa into Submission

Africa can't export to Europe any good that's GMO, and they are not allowed in the trade agreement to export any manufactured good. Raw food stuff is taxed at a tarriff of about 10% to sell to Europe while manufactured goods are taxed up to 60% in tarriffs. That's high way robbery! And people say that Africa is not an economic super power because they are lazy or some shit...no they are not lazy...they are just getting ripped off by the EU in a Neo-Mercantilism cartel scam, that's why.

Germany doesn't make any coffee but somehow exports 3.67 billion bux worth of it? Ok there.

Calestous Juma believes Africa's only hope to become a strong economic region is to look for other countries to deal with....mainly China and Brazil beause the Mercantilism deal they have going with Europe is a total rip off.

Europe imports it's food from poor countries...then processes it and slaps a bullshit Organic label on it...and then sells the product to yuppies for an huge markup. America has this mentality too now....especially in California where hollywood rich white people have really fallen in love with the Organic scam.

The ironic thing is these Euro-Trash and Cali-Trash rich white pigs really believe they are SAVING THE EARTH by buying something with the word organic slapped on the label. It's ironic because people in the world who really are trying to feed the hungry people of earth and help all the dying children not die are HUGE fans of GMOs and not fans of organic methods.

"Pursuing EU-inspired biosafety policies denies Africa the capacity to leverage biotechnology and use it to meet its own local needs. GM technology has wider application in fields such as medicine and can be used in the development of diagnostics." -Calestous Juma

Africa wants GMOs! It wants pesticides! It wants to meet its local needs to feed everyone. They need a trade deal with a country....probably China or Brazil like he suggested...that will purchase food from them at reasonable prices and have no "bio-safety" fictitious rules to justify charging African food exporters up to 60% in tariffs.

Conclusion

I love Europe, I think it's a swell country. It's a beautiful place full of wonderful people...yet its agricultural model is downright atrocious. Their agriculture practices can be summed up in two concepts.

A) Sign deals with poorer countries with highly Mercantilistic terms

B) Create a very silly marketing campaign to sell processed raw goods for export to be consumed by a demographic of rich dumb white people who want to buy "Organic" food.

Now in my region, two groups are suing the government to ban Glysophate and Atrazine under the pretense that "It's what Europe does."

First off, Quebec is in Canada...IT IS NOT IN EUROPE. Okay? Our laws are not European laws. Okay? Is that really that hard to understand?

Second off, Europe has the silliest and possibly the most un-ethical agricultural model of any country on earth. WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO EMULATE THEM!? WHO!? A moron that's who.

Nobody should be banning successful pesticides that in the case of atrazine has been used for 60+ years.

Man, I wish there was a new chain of grocery stores built for niche market consumers. People like me who think organic is swear word. It would be a chain of stores called "African Sundries" and all products were purchased from Africa at fair market value and all products would say "GMO AND PROUD" on the label....

....and you know who would do all of his mother fucking grocery shopping down at African Sundries? This guy. Me. D. That's who.

Chicago Cubs....have they Conquered Suffering? Can All of Humanity Finally Live Free and at Ease?

Walk the 8-fold path and you will be rewarded. Rewarded with what? Eternal life? No. Riches? No. Heaven? No.

According to the laws and tenets listed in the religion known as Buddhism....if you achieve the savvy to follow this "Eightfold" yellow-brick-road and make it to the end of that road....you'll be rewarded with....

....Nothing. No-Thing.

At all. That's it, That's all.

Base. Ball.

(Woah, that's almost a Haiku, eh)

Yes, the official reward in Buddhism is to become Nothing. To no longer Exist. To simply Stop Being and achieve Formlessness. None of your actions will ever again have consequence. You and the particles and things that make You become Nothing At All. All the actions and re-actions involving the embodiment known as You simply dis-appear presently and Retro-Actively.

Freedom, Absolute Freedom. No more pain, no more sadness....and no more Suffering. Suffering shall cease. If you do not become Nothing you'll have to do it all over again....as a bug, or a fly, or a an E-coli, or a dog, or as one of the Beach Boys. Suffer again and again and again....

That's what Buddhism says, anyways. Do I believe that? No....it doesn't make any sense....but what if it was true? That'd be fun.


108

That is the magic number in Buddhism. There's 108 beads on a Buddhist necklace, there's 108 "desires", there's 108 "lies that can be told by humans", there's 108 texts of the Ancient Sages, there's 108 paths to Truths....and so on.

It's a big deal number in Buddhism. Are there 108 forms of Defeat? Yes....in fact it is said that there are 36 "Divine Forms of Defeat" and 72 "Earthly Forms of Defeat" and it is by encountering and suffering through 108 forms of defeat that you can only then claim to have experienced and understand "Defeat."


Defeat is just another of the 108 Paths to Truth and a method to achieve the "End of Suffering" within Buddhism. Nothing more and Nothing less.


108 Forms of Defeat. 


Cubs

The Cubs have been defeated in the National League Championship Series and when the clock turns over the new year on January, 1st of 2016....the Cubs will not have won a World Series in 100 and 8 years. They have not been Champions in 108 years. They have not Won in 108 years.

The Cubs have been defeated in a multitude of fashions over the last 108 years. By "Natural Laws" which govern the Universe such as "bad luck" yet also by less divine machinations such as "human error". They have been halted to Victory by "Divine" forces as well as "Earthly" forces.

Ivan DeJesus

Billy Goats, Bartmen, Leon Durham, Ivan DeJesus, Harry Caray, Doug Dascenzo, Bleecher Bums, Ryne Sandberg, Ivy on Brick Walls, Andre Dawson, Fergie Jenkins, Hot Dogs, Fresh Air, Jerome Walton, Ron Santo, Cold Beer....and Ernie Banks. There's so many names, things, fixtures, actions, and re-actions involved in this rich 108 year history of Total Defeat.

One Hundred and Eight years of defeat....36 of which were Divine ones and 72 which would be regarded as Earthly Defeats. They have achieved all the possible variations of defeat. Through these 108 journeys along the divine path of Defeat they have faced all forms of suffering known to human man. The entity known as the Chicago Cubs is now Formless and Without Form.

They have become the Eternal Embodiment of Defeat Forever and Always. According to the Divine tenets of Buddhism they have achieved Formlessness....They exist and will continue to exist...but as...

Nothing. No-Thing. At All. Base. Ball.

Are you wondering what I'm wondering? If the Cubs through 36 divine Defeats and 72 earthly Defeats have achieved the End of Suffering and Official Nothingness....then why can we still see them? Why do they still exist? Maybe it is NOT them which have ceased to exist but something else?

I'm sure you know the answer.....but let's state it anyways.


Suffering No Longer Exists. It's Over.  

Through their 108 year journey on the 8-fold path of Defeat, the Cubs intertwined themselves with Suffering.....they became One with Suffering. They ARE Suffering. Suffering is THEM. The Cubs can be defined as Suffering and Suffering can be defined as the Cubs. These entities are now One.

When a Merger of such a magnitude takes place...only one of those Entities can come out Existing whilst the other must cease to Exist. It is the Laws of Buddhism as such...is it not?

Thus, it seems the Cubs and Suffering have Merged and yet The Cubs still exist. Does that mean what I think it does? During the 108 year Journey through Suffering on the Path of Defeat...have the Cubs simply gobbled up Suffering....like a frog would gobble up a fly? During their intertwining 108 year merging procedure.....have these two components which are part of the fabric of the Universe....Cubs and Suffering....have they somehow cancelled each other out in perfect balance?

Ladies and Gentlemen....The Cubs have Conquered Suffering. The whole notion of Suffering will now have no choice but to slowly cease and desist itself from our Universe.

Wow. That's pretty cool.


What Does This Mean For Humanity?


What does this Brave New World in which the Universal Component formally known as "Suffering" has ceased to exist and no longer applies to Any Body actually mean for all animals and bugs and humans?

I dunno.

Basically, we can all exit our homes/dwellings tomorrow, look to the sky, and say to ourselves...

"Hey. Wow, Suffering doesn't even Exist anymore. That's Wicked! Thanks Cubs."

What is a World Without Suffering? It's so part of our lives....where do we as a Universe even go from here? Who knows.

Are we Approaching a Global Era of Universal Happiness for all Living Beings? YES.

I don't know 'bout you but I'm pretty down with it. Happiness sounds fun....for a change, anyway. When you really get down to it...Suffering sort of sucks. It's not fun....at all. I'm actually pretty thankful the Cubs united themselves with Suffering after experiencing 108 forms of Defeat and through a process of osmosis somehow managed to Conquer Suffering and dispel it from all our lives.

Thank You.....and may Ivan DeJesus be with you 
(and also with You).

This Emblem represents The Infinity of Cubs Conquering Suffering

Let's Write 'bout Video Games: Is Metal Gear the most Asinine Convoluted Video Game Story of All Time?

I don't play a lot of video games anymore, these days. I always liked the Metal Gear franchise and played the new Metal Gear game at a friend's place over the last few weeks. Playing this new one and watching youtube of the fourth game's story scenes...I've seen the whole story from 8-bit Nintender 'til now.....and I have to say that as far as writing goes....Metal Gear might very well be the silliest and most needlessly convoluted yarn ever spun.

It took almost THIRTY YEARS to tell this story and now that it's over....the only word to describe this story is: MESS. It's a big mess....but as far as video games go, is it the King of the Konvoluted? Is it the most asinine story ever told in video games?

We're gonna look at three video game scripts that can be regarded as the most convoluted nonsense of all time and then we'll see if Metal Gear is really the King of Konvulution.


Notes before we Start

1. I read a lot of material and am always interested in text heavy business. A lot of video games are some of the most text-heavy things I've ever dealt with. A lot of games over the years are pretty epic stories that are basically like 30 hour movies or books. This article is more about writing than anything else and focuses on story telling...it is about video games but NOT the gameplay of the video games but the story telling of them. Like, Metal Gear on PS1 is probably one of the greatest games ever game-play wise....I'm not looking at that....I'm just talking about stories of the games and the stories being bad....but not the games themselves.

2. I haven't had a console since PlayStation 2...so I mean...I haven't dealt with games since like the early 2000s....I'm sure there's been stupider stories in video games in the last decade but I wouldn't really know or be able to comment on that. These following three entries are mainly from the 90s and early 2000s....I don't know much about the last dozen years of video games so I can't comment.


Convoluted and Asinine Stories. Which was the Worstest?

Probably gonna have a lot of spoilers in here, I dunno though, I might just call it bad in a variety of ways....I don't even know how to wrap my head around some of these stories let alone write about them.


1. Metal Gear: The Entire Series

I don't even wanna get into this story....like, where the hell do you even start? The twist and turns this story has taken over the last 25 years have ranged from nonsensical to needless to pointless to un-necessary.

Explaining this story to someone is just not possible. It is not possible to explain it because it doesn't make any sense at all. The Big Boss character, The Ocelot character, every other fucking character...none of what they do seems based on any sort of concrete logic. It's like these people just do the wackiest crap yet there's 5 hours of cut scenes to try and explain why they're doing this downright NONSENSE for.

If I went back in time and played every Metal Gear game from NES to MSX to PS1 to PS2 to Now...I would honestly skip every cut scene that didn't have a chick in a bikini top in it. Paying attention to the motives behind these characters that you're engaging with in this game is simply not worth your time.

Take Ocelot....what are the motives behind what he does? Why is he doing what he does? There's cut scenes to try and explain it but it makes no sense. You had a cool character who was like an Old West Gunslinger....just fucking stick with that. He was cool from his first appearance. Try and read the Wikia Page which explains what this old gunslinger has done in this series over the last 25 years (Here). Yeah, if you read through that wikia article....that's where they took this character, this pretty cool looking gunslinger, if you read that billion word Wikia page explaining what this character has done in this series....first of all DON'T waste your time doing that....don't read that article....all you'll have is a headache after....that's all.

So Ocelot hypnotized himself to believe he had the brain of the man who's arm he replaced his amputated arm with? Why did he hypnotize himself into thinking he was this person? Was there any conceivable reason as to why? No. Not at all. Nothing this character does makes even A LICK of sense. Ever. The motives behind what this character does is far fetched to the point where you just play these through these stories to laugh at them.

So Big Boss, the villain from the first two games and who you get to play as in one of the PS2 games...let me get this straight now....never mind....I don't want to get this straight. The new plot twist in the Big Boss character in the new game is simply one of the dumbest things I've seen anyone do in a story before. If you play to the ending in Metal Gear V, you'll be treated to what is likely the dumbest ending in any story that's ever been told. If you think the pointless twists in Night Shamalan movies are out of nowhere...the ending of MGV is out of further than nowhere...it's out of whole cloth. The escape from the hospital part and that motor cycle scene has got to be the dumbest thing I've seen on a screen in long time.  Pointless, needless nonsense. Pointless needless nonsense to the utmost degree.

I have a feeling the maker of these games is getting sick of them and is just purposely making dumb stories on purpose. No one trying to do a good job would sit down and think up something like that.

I wonder if the story team has an editor or something like that. I bet it's like there's an editor who goes back and reads these scripts and says things like.....

"Wait, this makes too much sense this part....can you try and throw some pointless nonsensical crap in here? Maybe some random silliness or some dumb shit just so it's not so plausible? This is making too much easy-to-follow sense in this section you have to fix that. Pronto."

"This character is pretty normal...can you like make them retarded? Maybe this character can graft another character's arm onto his stump and then somehow hypnotize himself to believe he's that other character for no apparent reason? Can we change it to that? Okay, great, thanks. What? Of course he can hypnotize himself....he's a master interrogator...everyone knows interrogator's can self-hypnotize themselves!"

"Hmmmm....what if Big Boss was actually a generic soldier dude from some dumb helicopter...that way we can clean up a plot hole from 1988 where Big Boss came back from the dead? Remember in one of those games back in the 80s? Big Boss was like a big robot at the end of the game or something? He was supposed to be dead but we forgot about that....so how about we fix that plot hole from 30 years ago by making Big Boss actually just some random guy on a helicopter that was in one of the other games? That makes sense, no?"

This game didn't need a Bizarro-Editor it needed an Editor-Editor. 


Okie Dokie so.....From what I've ingested from this series over the last three decades...I've narrowed it down to this.......Big Boss is either:


A) Sean Connery

B) A Gigantic Purple Robot

C) A Pretty Cool Looking Guy Solid Snake was Cloned From

D) Some Random Person who very Briefly Spoke to You on a Helicopter 

One of those four people/robots is Big Boss. I guess in the end, now that Metal Gear is sown up shut after almost 30 years....it is now up to us to decide which of these four we want to be Big Boss. For me it's between Snake Eater and the Gigantic Purple Robot and my heart is telling me Big Boss is the Gigantic Purple Robot.

Wow. It's hard to understand the Big Boss character when you can't even narrow down WHAT he his let alone who he is.



2. Final Fantasy 8

I have a brain-ache just thinking about Metal Gear....but the thesis was to throw down 3 of the silliest stories in video games and decide whether Metal Gear is in fact the silliest of all time. Next on the list is the horrendous story from the hit 90s game...Final Fantasy 8.

I used to really like these Final Fantasy games. The one where you run around as Cecil, Yang, Edge, Rose, Rydia, Cid, and that Spoony Bard was a fucking GOOD game...the one where you suplex trains with Sabin, and whip shurikens with Shadow and Quadra Slice monsters and go super-saiyan with Terra....that game was AMAZING. The one where Mr. T and a chain smokin' guy who swears and a hot chick have to run around....that one was fucking AWESOME.

Then came Final Fantasy 8...the biggest stupidest mess. This game turned me off to the series big time and with good reason. The story telling is downright atrocious. You could see it starting in the previous Seventh installment though too....like that scene where Cloud tells you what happened with Seph-a-Fool in that spooky mansion and reactor. Also there's a part where you have to go through Cloud's Magicant mind with Tifa and it just WON'T END! ARRRGH. You're in his dumb emo-mind for like a fucking hour! Those two story telling scenes in Seven were very hard to get through. Forget beating Emerald Weapon, forget beating Ruby...the hardest part of FF7 was listening to that emo-jerkoff Cloud tell stories.

I remember there was an option in one of those story scenes in FF7 where Barret was all like, "yo, fool...I pity this story let's get outta here!" and then an option variable comes up for you. You think you can skip the story by agreeing with Barret there...BUT NOOOOO...Barret leaves but everyone else STAYS and the fucking stupid story continues. Why couldn't I run away from the story like Barret did?

Fuck. Anyways...Final Fantasy 7, despite two awful emo story scenes, was still a SICK-AS-FUCK good video game.

But Final Fantasy 8? No way Jose. The emo seeds that were planted in 7 blossomed in 8....with a lead character so un-likeable that even Sabin suplexing him on his head 5000 times wouldn't wake this jabroni up out of his emo coma. Not just the lead but NO CHARACTER is likeable in this shitty game.

Remember 8 years ago in grade school? OH YA!

The coup-de-gras in 8....is when all these stupid annoying teenage hipster emo shitballs gather around for one of those extended story unraveling scenes (where you sit and press X for like 20 minutes while they talk to each other)....and all of a sudden these emo kids that you've been running around forests and towns with for the last 20 hours....all just happen to suddenly realize they all knew each other in grade school.

???????????

After 20 hours of game play of these horrible little teens being around each other....they all just collectively seem to have remembered that they all knew each other in not just their Muppet years but in their Muppet-Baby years too? They all grew up in the same orphanage except they all just conveniently forget...until....they all feel like collectively remembering and reminiscing for 20 full minutes at the player's expense?

That's All Star level writing stupidity. In all stories ever told that moment in FF8 is very likely the dumbest thing ever done in story telling. It has to be. Fuck. How in post editing could someone have not stepped up and said..."Hey story team....you know this is fucking retarded as shit, right?"

That happens about mid-game and it's all down hill from there. These teens in FF8 are the most unlikeable, ill-conceived, and downright stupid characters in any video game....ever.

Two of these characters then have the NERVE to fall in love and engage in extended romantic scenes including one vomit-inducer where they float through space together but with only one air supply for the both of them. Aaaaaaaw, how romantic!

Shutup, Air Supply. Just shut the fuck up, Air Supply.

You gotta watch these bozos float "romantically" through space for like 10 minutes....and all you really want to do in this game is DUEL-glitch some gremlins and shit and drop some Ifrits on some goblins.

Final Fantasy 8 sucks. It was a very very bad game.

3. Chrono Cross

Final entry coming up here! It's the sequel to one of the fucking greatest video games EVER... I'm talking about Chrono Trigger! Ya!

Back in 19-whatever-dee-7 everyone was flipping out over a sequel to Chrono Trigger...the most beautiful game. Everyone was flippin' out....and what did we get? Chrono Cross...the biggest fucking mess of a thing you've ever even seen!

Look, this is only covering Story and nothing else. Like with Metal Gear who had amazing gameplay but a bad story....Chrono Cross had pretty cool graphics and really good music....but an awful story.

Man the music in this game was fucking good. Very relaxing-ass music, for sure. The story though? It's a big big big big MESS.

 It's a BIG MESS. It's really MESSED UP.

Like, Metal Gear, I don't even know where to start with why it's a mess....it's like Jello....I can't even mentally grab on to something to start with and get going with this mess of a jello of a story.

First off, all the beloved characters from the greatest game Chrono Trigger? Dead. They all died. How? Some un-interesting half-cat half-man Cat-Man killed them all before the story even starts. They're dead. I think only the robot from Trigger wasn't killed by Cat-Man...I think he died by turning himself into a virus or something and tried to poison time. I don't know. I actually really don't know...this game makes no sense.

To help it make less sense...there's like 300 characters....most of them playable characters....yet the backstory applied to these 300 characters is minimal to non-existent. Most serve no purpose to the story...they're just there.....in your party....and you don't even know why. At least straw voodoo man, the fungus man, and the mexican wrestler guy look pretty cool....but I have no idea what purpose they serve to the story at all.

If telling you all the old characters from Trigger are dead (as an aside mid-game), and then replacing them with 300 pointless characters wasn't enough to make you wonder where the fuck they're going with this sequel....they throw something else to make it even whackier.....they make you play in two worlds...each identical to each other....one dimension where you do exist and one where you don't...and you got to back and forth through these two worlds trying to remember what's different in these two identical worlds. They did this gimmick in Dragon Quest 6 too....and it wasn't a good gimmick then either.

Just trying to remember this game is confusing. It's so fucking dumb. Playing it was even more confusing. They try and help you out and explain the story to you at one point in the game...using ghosts from Chrono Trigger....and it really feels like the writer is trying to tell the reader something along the lines of....

"Ya Player, I know this game is retarded and makes no sense and....um....well....uh....you remember that Flame thing from the castle part in the world where you don't exist? It was ummmm....it has to do with a Spanish guy named Miguel and Miguel is like a bad guy I think....and......uhhhh....I don't remember what I wrote but...here, wait a sec Player....I'll put some ghost children versions of characters that I killed off to explain it to you....okay? You understand now? Great, let's keep going!"

These Ghost-Kids of killed off Characters will help explain!

You know your story makes no sense when the writer has to stop mid-game to try his best to explain to you just what the fuck is going on here in this mess of yarn. That ghost child explanation part was more than just a head-scratcher....it felt like the writer was apologizing to the reader for how stupid his/her story was.

Like Metal Gear going back to fill plot holes that make no sense...Squaresoft re-released Chrono Trigger on the PS1 after Cross was released and they tried to sew up the holes in Cross by adding a silly CG movie to the re-release of Trigger. Seems that little back-water village with five buildings from Trigger becomes a super-army nation in like 2 years...and that town literally murders everyone in Guardia is what the cut scene suggested....and ya, it makes no sense. It's like trying to fix a pot hole in the road by dumping shampoo in it instead of cement. Trying to fix Cross's plot holes is not something ANYONE should attempt doing....there's no way to fix those....there's nothing you can do to fix that because it's fucking nonsense....total nonsense.

Chrono Cross's story was a new level of Mess.....I don't think anything can approach how convoluted this game's story was.


Conclusion

Is Metal Gear the most convoluted and downright stupid video game story ever unraveled? Hmmmmm........no, it's not.

Metal Gear is a special kind of silly that, at times, I think Kojima did on purpose. I think he may have been influenced by Takeshi Kitano and Shigesato Itoi....and similar to them....he tried to be annoying and over-the-top on purpose in these games.

Compared to games like Final Fantasy 8, and Chrono Cross...there's no way Metal Gear is the most convoluted and silly story ever told. So it's between Eight and Cross....and....Eight is just plain bad...like awful stupid and bad.....but Cross? Cross is legit convoluted as fuck. I don't even think that Masato Kato himself really even knew what the heck he was writing...he just kept going and going hoping the nonsense would just string together somehow.

All things considered...out of games I've played (there's probably hundreds of dumb stories in games I haven't played by-the-way)...Chrono Cross is the most Needlessly Convuluted Video Game Story of All Time!

Look, Hideo Kojima, and Metal Gear staff. Let's be serious for moment....Metal Gear has provided a lot of people with S++ caliber entertainment for almost 30 years. Even if the story telling in Metal Gear is Top 3 most convoluted of all time....this series may still very likely be the greatest ever in the entire history of video games. The Metal Gear Solid on PS1 is very likely the greatest game of all time....all things considered. The staff and people responsible for the Metal Gear series should be very proud of themselves for the close to 30 years of entertainment they've created.

Crime and Punishment: Too Much Media Attention for Losers Who Kill People?

Does the media give too much fame and attention to the lives of losers and cowards who murder innocent people? Yes they do.


Personal Pre-Amble

Gonna start with a personal observation from my life experience pool before anything else on this topic.

One time I attended a sporting event where a fan ran onto the field in a leopard skin speedo and started to steal the bases on the baseball field at Olympic Stadium. I was laughing and it only lasted about a minute or so.

When I got home I was expecting to see it talked about and shown in the post game reports or on ESPN or TSN or whatever...but interestingly NO ONE even mentioned it.

Why?

Because bodies like the NFL and MLB have a strict no broadcast rule for people running onto fields. They don't put the cameras on them during live broadcasts and do not talk about them in news reports on the event afterwards. That's official written-in-stone policy for most if not all sporting bodies.

The reasoning is simple. If people at home see this behavior talked about or promoted on TV...they will see it as a way to gain fame and notoriety for themselves and copy the behavior. Thus, these fans who engage in shenanigans on the playing field ARE NEVER RECORDED ON VIDEO OR MENTIONED EVER AGAIN.

It works too. It's increasingly rare to see anyone do this behavior anymore. There's no more Kissing Bandits or leopard skin speedo jabronies running on fields like in the 80s and 90s. In the 80s they promoted the behavior of the "Kissing Bandit" and it became a method of becoming famous. Streakers were huge in the 90s.....we don't see many streakers anymore either. Mainly because they aren't given attention if they streak these days.

The ban on giving attention to fans who rush the field has 100% worked. It is very rare to see this behavior now a days.


Attention Directed at Stupid Fucking Loser Nobodies who Murder Innocent People

Why did they do it? Who were they? What did their friends and family have to say about why they did it? Blah blah blah blah blah. They talk about these losers for MONTHS at a time.

Why stop at talking about them? Why not make a stupid fucking movie about them too? Make them some mis-understood protagonist or some fucking bullshit in a made-for-tv-movie about their dumb and stupid lives. On and on and on...

....we'll actually probably never stop hearing about these stupid fucking nobodies. We're gonna here about this Oregon loser now for the next two years. It's friggin' ridiculous.

There should be a federal ban on this type of reporting. If you make these people into famous mis-understood heroes and give them the fame and notoriety they are seeking...then you're creating a climate where this behavior is being promoted to other isolated maniacs.

If next school shooting the report went like this:

"A Coward and loser, who will remain unnamed due to publication ban, killed innocent people and himself today. You can donate money to victims families at this following address. Our thoughts are with the deceased." -(hypothetical news report)

No photo of the loser, no name, no nothing. No fame, no glory, no anything. Doesn't that make more sense? No made-for-TV-movie, no in-depth report on his motives or whatever was going through his stupid head. No notoriety of any kind attached to that person....AT ALL.

Now in the case that the assailant is not deceased after the attack this ban obviously could not be applied. The public has to know if there are maniacs on the loose...and in the case where they are put behind bars...the public has a right to know the crimes committed by an individual if they are ever released back into the public. This hypothetical ban would only apply to assailants who were deceased after the incident.

If a man-hunt is on for a un-apprehended criminal then this hypothetical ban would obviously not be in-place. Wanna make it clear it would only be if the assailant died in the incident.

Conclusion

If a loser murders innocent people....and also dies in the incident...the name of that person and photographs of him (or her....chicks can be serial killers too) will not be allowed in the press in order to not attribute fame to an individual for dubious reasons.

Makes sense? No?