American Election Power Rankings

I'm not a citizen of the USA, so I don't want to attempt to write satirical stuff about them too much. I don't vote in this election so why should I make fun of it? It doesn't have to do with me.

My personal rule with making fun of countries is to stick to making fun of your own if you can.

There's things that have resonated with me over the years that have lead me to stick to making fun of my own country instead of hating on other people's countries. Some of the moments that resonated with me are the following:


Some Things that Resonated with Me

1. Jello Biafra told a story once where he went to Ireland to do a Spoken Word tour ... and he prepared a nice thing about Ireland's crazy religion feud between two factions of Christianity ... and  he thought it was gonna kill with the audience ... but it didn't. They booed him and yelled "WE WANNA HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT BILL O'REILLY AND GLENN BECK!!!"

Ireland just wanted to hear him talk shit about America and make fun of America  ... they were angry when he wrote and preformed a bit that lambasted their conservative religion feud. Ireland just wanted to hate on America and feel superior. They didn't want to examine their own problems.


2. Noam Chomsky used to come on Canadian Radio programs sometimes when I was like a young teenager. He'd come on and talk shit about America and how fucked up it was and the Canadian Radio hosts would just adore that to the max.

Then one day he threw them a fucking change up that floored them. He came into the studio and told the Canadian radio talk host something along the lines of ... "Hey, I just flew in and landed at that War Criminal Airport and boy are my arms tired!"

...and yo, the Canadian host thought about the joke briefly and replied with something along the lines like ... "You mean Lester Bee PEARSON AIRPORT!? ARE ARE YOU CALLING LESTER BEE PEARSON A WAR CRIMINAL!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOOOU!?"

Noam could talk shit about America and the Canadian hosts would adore it ... but one joke about Canada not being the saintly state it thinks it is ... and BAM .... they never had Noam Chomsky back on.

That struck me big time. The Canadians just wanted to hate on the Americans by having Chomsky on.... but they would not tolerate him saying anything negative about Canada. I found that so dumb by the Canadian Radio hosts.


3. Sticking with Canada (cuz it's my country I get to make fun of it), this jabroni Rick Mercer used to do a bit called "Talking to Americans" for the CBC, which was a formulaic bit inspired by Steve Allen. The modern version of the bit was created by the Howard Stern Show under the monicker "Homeless Game" and Jay Leno later did a version called "Jay Walking."

In this bit you talk to random people in the street and then edit out anything intelligent said by anyone and present a montage of the dumbest shit people said to the interviewer so the audience can thus laugh at how un-knowledgeable people can be about some topics. 

Basically, Rick Mercer would fly down to the USA to interview common Americans, ask them questions about Canada and then they'd edit together the "dumbest answers." The dumbest answers would be people who didn't know who the Prime Minister of Canada was or some lame-ass shit like that.

The Canadian audiences at home would laugh at how "stupid" Americans are. But... Canada is pretty inconsequential to American life in the whole scheme of things. If someone did this bit in Canada and chose some not-well-known country to Canada ... like say Nigeria .... and went into the streets of Toronto ... and asked people who the leader of Nigeria was ... I bet you almost over 99% of them would not know who Muhammadu Buhari is. Why? Because he doesn't have a big impact on their day-to-day lives ... just like a question to Americans like "Is Canada on the Metric system or another system" ... they might not know the answer to it because it doesn't really effect them in any way to know or care about what measurement system Canada uses or who the leader of some province is.


4. Two things that pissed me off about Canada's asinine feelings of superiority to Americans is how they demand for apologies at the slightest shit but would in the same circumstances would never apologize for anything themselves.

Deal with it - Canada.

Like last year Harold Reynolds said a small very tame joke about a fan at a Jays game that bobbled a foul ball ... he said something like .... "he's been playing too much hockey, haha." It was a very tame and not offensive at all joke ... but. ... he was trending on Twitter for a full week after and countless negative press articles were written about him. Eventually he publicly apologized to all of Canada.

Another time I remember, Robert Smigel did his Triumph shtick in Quebec City for the Conan O'Brien show .... and the whole province of Quebec considered that puppet's jokes as the worst thing that ever happened on earth. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was discussed at length at Quebec Parliament for a good week ... eventually ... Conan apologized to all of Quebec for Robert Smigel's jokes.

The Don Rickles of Puppets.

I was pissed at that because, during that year that Conan apologized was a year where Canadiens fans would routinely BOO the American national anthem at hockey games ... to the point where it was embarrassing and over the top ... yet you didn't see Quebec apologizing to America for its people routinely boo-ing the American National Anthem at hockey games ... but the Quebec Government demanded an apology from Conan O'Brien.

Yo, if I was Gold Glover and All Star Harold Reynolds ... I would have told Canada to suck my dick! I'm not joking. Not even joking. If it was me in Harold Reynold's shoes ... I would have told Canada to suck a whole EGG!

And Yo-Yo-Yo, if I was Conan O'Brien I wouldn't have apologized to Quebec on behalf of Robert Smigel ... I would have told Quebec to lick my stinky ASS! Yeah right. It's a damned dog puppet for fuck's sake.



5. The "CRTC" in Canada made a law many decades ago that things that are aired on National airwaves must contain a certain amount of "Canadian Content." In the old days no one knew what the fuck "Canadian Content" was so they met their quota in very tongue-in-cheek manners. The characters the McKenzie Brothers (Bob and Doug) were born on SCTV to meet their Canadian Content Quota for the CBC. They basically put two retards in tuques at the end of the show to talk about bacon and snow-mo-biles for about 45 seconds in order to meet their Canadian Content Quota and be allowed to air on CBC in Canada. Yes, that's how those characters were born.

Now a days ... still no one knows what "Canadian Content" is defined as but shows have methods of meeting it still. Now a days they meet the quota by making the hero characters Canadians and the villain characters American. So, you'll watch like the shitty Canadian rip-off of Law and Order and the lawyer is a sexy Canadian who manages to bust an American drug/prostitution smuggling ring. That's all you need to meet the imposed content quota ... you just have to make all the bad guys Americans and have heroic Canadians stop these evil doers from doing whatever it is they are doing in Canada.

Quebec does this too I notice. Except, in their case, they make all the bad guys Canadians and the good guys are French people. I watched this movie once from the seventies where this french guy wanted to own a diner but this Canadian english-speaking man kept poisoning the french man's mash potatoes to keep him from owning that diner. It was fucking funny to me ... but the target audience takes that seriously and really loves that shit.

You won't see Canada apologizing for the Evil American stereotype they run on its air waves. Canadians are not actually very nice. They just pretend to be.


Anyways....

That Jello Biafra in Ireland thing and all those silly Canadian examples is why I try to stick to making fun of my own home/where-I-live instead of other foreign/exotic places. I don't want to just hate on America and then sit back and pretend my country is some paradise. You don't get any heat when you hate on far off places either. If you hate on your own place you can get heat over that. So it's also cowardly to just make fun of far off lands instead of your own.

But I gotta bust off some 'pinions on this American Election, g. Because. Holy Shit. It's like the most fucked-up election in history. I'm obsessed with it. I read every article and every stat and every projection on it every single day.

I'm sorry. I know I should stick to making fun of shit in my own country/province (I live in Montreal by the way) but ... I can't man....

I HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF THE AMERICAN ELECTION! 

It's just so crazy this time around. It's genuinely in-fucking-sane, dude. It's fucking nuts this time around.

I'm gonna rate many (not all) of the candidates, so without any further ado ... here is the ...

Jabronies who dropped out won't be covered. That sweaty Jabroni Jeb spent like almost 200 million bucks on his campaign and is already Dead on Arrival. That's all-star inefficiency, man. His backers should sue his fucking ass off! Jeb Bush is the least cost-efficient campaigner for The President of all fucking time. Wow.

I'm gonna do the Repos first then the Demos. O-K?


1. Doctor Ben Carson (R)

Age: 64 human years
Sex: Male
Background: Brain Surgeon
Race: Black
Money People Invested in Him: 68 Million

You'd think this guy would be getting more votes. He's a brain surgeon turned Politician. You'd think he could have picked up some of Obama's supporters and made a run out of this ... but no.


My Opinion: Ben Carson loses points with me because he's kind of a Doctor Oz type guy ...  he was a legit medical man who ditched his profession to hawk nonsense. He's become the spokesperson for some odd alternative cancer treatments and all-around quack-nonsense. I don't think it's professional when medical professionals start doing all these snake oil shticks. Now he's done with promoting alternative silly cancer treatments and has become a full time Liar-for-Hire mercenary for the Republican Party.

His nonsense doesn't stop at medical related fields though. He's stated some weird ass shit over the campaign. I think he fell into the trap of trying to compete head-to-head with Trump by attempting to "out stupid" Trump (which is not fucking possible). Carson tried to counter Trump's silliness by saying silly shit of his own and I don't think it worked for him. 

His statement that the Egypt pyramids may have had grain in them is made fun of a lot, but I don't even think that statement was that silly. I remember in Civilizations II for DOS .... if you built the pyramids you got a granary in all your existing towns.

"Counts as a Granary in Each City" - Civ II

If the video game Civ II thinks the pyramids had grain in them then he's got at least a video game that agrees with him on that.

He's funny in the debates though. He didn't talk much in one of them and then tapped the mic and finally said something......"Can Someone please Attack me Please?"

He just wants to be attacked too. Why are they leaving him out of the reindeer games? I feel ya, Ben. I feel ya. If they let me be in the debates I'd throw some fatty attacks your way.

Charisma: 52
Comedic Tact: 82
Professionalism: 46
Trash Talk: 77

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 64 (D+)
Odds of Becoming President: Zero.



2. Rafael Eddie "Ted" Cruz (R)

Age: 45 robot years
Sex: Synth
Background: Calgary, Alberta
Race: Synth
Money People Invested in Him: 104 Million

Like Jeb, Ted Cruz is a highly inefficient campaigner in terms of the funds invested into his ass. Over 104 million for very little votes. He'll win in Texas but nowhere else. He's toast.

My Opinion: He's legally Canadian ... so ... I can make fun of him FULL FORCE and not hold back. Here goes...

Ted Cruz Sucks Shit!

First off, that character he does on stage? That's not himself. He's doing an act! Why would a dopey Spanish guy from Calgary talk like that? With that preacher's drawl for? Because he's doing an impression! He's doing George Bush 1. Here's two other impressionists doing versions of Bush 1:

Billy West:

Here we see Billy West (who I like but didn't agree with him taking credit for John K's Ren character on an episode of Conan one time)... pretending to be George Bush 1 golfing with the Greatest Band Ever ... The Ramones. Note the audio latency in his voice.

Okay, now here's Dana Carvey slicing off a Bush 1, check this out:

Dana Carvey:

Dana's doing Bush 1 to a bunch of Spring Breakers. Close your eyes, just do it. Close your eyes and listen. Who's talking? It's Ted Cruz! 

Ted Cruz is doing an impression of Bush 1 and its worked for him ... but I can assure you ... A spanish guy from Calgary wouldn't fucking talk like Bush One! It wouldn't happen. He's doing a heavy preacher character with complete drawl and trying to emulate the audio speech latency of George Bush One.

He's actually a pretty talented comic Ted Cruz ... but ... do you really want your President to be a talented mimic? A talented Canadian Mimic?


Charisma: 14
Comedic Tact: 89
Professionalism: 53
Trash Talk: 51

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 52 (F)
Odds of Becoming President: Zero.



4. Marco "Alex P. Keaton" Rubio (R)

Age: 24 human years
Sex: Male
Background: Family Ties
Race: White
Money People Invested in Him: 85 million bucks

The "Safe" candidate on the R-side, trouble is he's polling like shit and is just about toast. Oh well.

My Opinion: He's the safety man and he should have taken more states but ... damn ... Trump is steam rolling this kid, man. Fuck.

Don't do Speed anymore, Marco!

I like him though. Yo, I remember an episode with him where he has to stay up late to study for exams but he's so sleepy that he tried the drug known in the 80s as "Speed." At first it helps him to stay up and study for his exams but then the hard drugs eventually catch up to him and he starts wigging out like hard ...

...damn.

He can't control his shit and then Mallory and Allan Thicke find out what he's been doing and they are pissed at Rubio so bad. I learned a valuable lesson that day. I vowed never to try drugs after that episode of Family Ties.

So I have to thank Marco Rubio for installing that life-lesson into my young fragile mind....


Charisma: 29
Comedic Tact: 67
Professionalism: 88
Trash Talk: 72 (he talked some fresh shit last debate. He said Donald pissed his pants!)

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 64 (D+)
Odds of Becoming President: Under 10% about


5. Donald Trump (R) 

Sex: Male
Age: 69 Dude!
Background: BiZness (with a Capital Z)
Race: The Orange Spary-Tan George Hamilton-nites
Money People Invested in Him: 27 million bucks

What can be said? This is the reason this election is so insane. He's literally insane. It's like some mad scientist made some potion that let Wally George rise from the dead in some cockamamie scheme to make a Zombie Wally George the President of the America. What in the actual fuck is going on!?

Yo. I don't know what to say. I don't. I really don't. I keep expecting the Kayfabe to end and Jake Roberts to walk out behind the curtain and DDT Trump to a standing ovation! I mean this is theater. It's fucking Stupid Performance Art is what it is.

I watch Trump in the debates and forget it's not theatrics. I keep half-expecting that Stone Cold is gonna burst out, chug beer, and preform a flashy clutch-hold on him.

I keep thinking that this is gonna happen.... but it doesn't!

You know, when it started, at first, I thought it would be super funny for a man who spray-tanned himself into George Hamilton to be the Leader of the Fucking Free World ... but it might just be because I don't actually live in the USA.

I was watching that great great show South Park the other month or so, and they hit me where it hurts. They did a show where a Canadian Trump becomes Prime Minister of Canada and it made me fucking think....

...I was like, Yo.... that would fucking SUCK and be SUPER EMBARRASSING if he was my leader. South Park fucking took me to school with that episode, it sure fucking did.

Now, in recent weeks ... to make matters more clear to me as to how embarrassing this situation can be .... The Canadian Watered Down Intellectual Property Infringing Canadian-version of Donald Trump says he will run for Prime Minister of Canada next 'lection. Americans know this CWDIPICvoDT from that show "Shark Tank" which airs in USA ... he's the bald guy known as Mr. Wonderful (not to be confused with Paul Orndorff). Yes, Baldy O'Leary wants to be Prime Minister.

I understand what South Park is trying to say ... because it is gonna happen to us up here in Canada now with Baldy O'Leary, and.... it's actually not funny at all. It isn't. It's actually fucking embarrassing... and I shouldn't laugh at Trump anymore because South Park is 100% correct ... it's not funny anymore. It's dumb.

This shit is cockamamie. Downright cockamamie! The only word left to use to describe what is going on is COCKAMAMIE!

...Donald Trump is a National Embarrassment to United States of America.

Charisma: 43
Comedic Tact: 105
Professionalism: 3
Trash Talk: 110 (Schlonged....he said, Schlonged. Huh huh huh huh-huh.)

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 65 (D+)
Odds of Becoming President: About 25%

Now the Demos.....

1. Hillary Roadhouse Clinton 

Age: 68
Sex: Female
Background: First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, Member of the Obama Admin.
Race: White
Money People Invested in Her: 188 Million (She got the Fuck Money, baby. Green n' Black!)

Hillary is the "safe" candidate for the Democrats and she has the entire Democratic party and every D-Senator supporting her. She's who they want to battle the Resurrected Zombified Wally George. She has the entire Democratic party on her side.

My Opinion: I don't watch the Dem debates because they are as boring as watching caca dry ... so I don't know much about her comedic tact or trash talk ability. Being a career capitol hill player, she's gonna win the Professionalism category though. She's got experience at this political shit, she do.

I don't think it would be so bad to have a woman as President of It All. I think people worry because some of the precedents in the english-speaking world of Female Presidents have been bad examples.

Canada had a female president for like about a few weeks one time as an interim President after Brian Mulroney slipped on a banana peel and had to retire. She was a bland jabroni.

Britain though, they had a A HUGE JABRONI lady as President. They had that Margaret Thatcher witch ... who was basically the human equivalent of fucking DRACULA! That Dracula lady from Britain made it so a woman wasn't president of a country for a long time because everyone thought she was an evil blood sucking demon from the under-world.

Hillary is not Dracula. She's not very similar to Margaret Thatcher at all. She's a smart lady. She's got the jack. She would be a decent President. She's the safest and least insane route at this current juncture by all stretches of reason.


Charisma: 84 (she carry herself, she dignified when she carry herself, no doubt)
Comedic Tact: 43
Professionalism: 99
Trash Talk: 57

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 71 (C)
Odds of Becoming President: About 60%



2. Feel Da Bern Sanders!

Age: 74
Sex: Male
Background: Vermont
Race: Vermont
Money People Invested in Him: 97 million

It's the College Campus Pick to Click now that Rondolf Paul doesn't run his kook-fests anymore and his jabroni son Randolf Paul refused to say things as kooky as his dad did and has gone off to obscurity.

The Berninator is Berninating the countryside in the coveted Northern All-White No-Minority Liberal-Art-Degree-Having States and posing a major-enough threat to the safety of Hillary's campaign for Democratic Nominee.

He's already seized New Hampshire and installed his revolutionary fortifications there.

Will he be able to over-come insurmountable odds and become President of the United States of America.....?

My Opinion: Look, let me pre-face, okay?

America has a joke that Canada is the 51st State of the United States. It's a decent joke. I guess. On our end we have a similar joke that Vermont is the Whatever-ist Canadian Province (tenth I think, I think we have nine now). Vermont is basically a small Ontario town. Everyone's boring, everyone's pretty white, and the lameness is like off-the-charts!

Vermont is a slightly larger version of Scarborough Ontario ... in a cultural sense.

Thus, since Canada has a cultural claim to Vermont and Vermont is culturally technically a Canadian Province ... then once again ... just like in the case of Ted Cruz ... I have a loop-hole in which I can go FULL Akuma Cho-Jin Number One FORCE in my making fun of Bernard Sanders...

...because in a technical sense he's Canadian. Sorta.

He's more popular in Canada than he is in America. You can't go out or go online without meeting a Sanders Fan in Canada. Canada fucking loves this old bald guy.

Bernie's odds to win the Democratic Nominee were never very good. In fact they were quite terrible since the start. He's never been forecasted by anyone with political statistic street-cred to do well in this shit.

He's always been a self-fashioned "outsider" who revels in hating the Democratic Party. He never agrees with them, he doesn't work well with the other Democrat kids on capitol hill, he's basically an old grumpy man. 

He's spent his life hating on the Democratic Party ... and now all of a sudden he snaps his fingers and wants to be the leader of the party he fucking hates.

It's like if Fred Flintstone walked into a meeting of the Water Buffaloes ... just started talking shit to them and telling them he hates the Water Buffaloes and they are losers and crooks and that he's 100 times smarter than all of them.... telling them they should all be in jail and hung from their toes ...

...and then Fred Flintstone turns around and says to them all "Okay, I wanna be Grand Poobah of the Water Buffaloes" right after doing that... you think he's gonna be elected Poobah? No of course not.

He's losing the Super Delegates almost in a clean sweep because no one in the Democratic Party wants him to be their Poobah. At all.

I like this man, I really do.... but there's one thing about him that is very strange. He makes a big deal that he has raised 100 million dollars for this campaign.... which is a fucking lot of fucking money ... but, it is strange because he BRAGS that it's "poor" "working class" "families" that invested 100 million dollars in his campaign. The thing that's odd about this is ...


A) He never really ever had any concrete chance of being the Democratic Nominee ... so why waste 100 million dollars of working class families money for to try and be the Democratic Nominee?

B) His main platform is to tell everyone how corrupt the system is ... and what's his solution? To siphon more tax money from citizens into the system. How is that a sane solution? Why go on about how corrupt the system is if your solution is to raise the taxes of everyone in order to pump more of their money into what you're constantly calling a corrupt government system?

If your main goal is to raise everyone's taxes and collect more funds into the government ... then why make your main campaign talking point - how corrupt the government is!? Where did he go to campaign school? On the moon? He's saying basically ... "The system is corrupt so let's take more money from people and put it into this corrupt system." It's a very poorly presented campaign. It might be the worst ran campaign in American History.


(actually no, Jeb's 2016 is by far the worst ran campaign in American Elections History).

There's charities out there, you know. People who gave money to Sanders should have given that "27 Dolluuuurs" to a homeless guy in the street or a respected charity. That 100 million dollars he raised is basically flushed down the toilet in one of the worst ran campaigns in American History. If you wanted to use 100 million dollars to help the poor people in America maybe you people should have gave that 100 million dollars to the poor people of America and not a very old Bald Man to run a highly lackluster political campaign.

What did his campaign get with the 100 million dollars people invested into it? A dinner with Al Sharpton? A couple television commercials? It wasn't a very impactful campaign that he ran. His cost-effiency for dollars-to-delegate ratio is fucking bad ... and it's not rich people's money wasted in this case. It was down to earth hard working people's money that was wasted to run a "Mr Smith Goes to Washington" campaign when everyone else was running a carnival side-show.

I guess I'm just a bad person or something and a bad Canadian ... because I'm not "feeling the Bern" at all.


Charisma: 21
Comedic Tact: 27
Professionalism: 31
Trash Talk: 61

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 35 (F-)
Odds of Becoming President: About 0.0001%


Conclusion

Trump (Cdn)

If I wrote this without seeing that episode of South Park where a Canadian-Version of Trump becomes the Leader of Canada ... I probably would have ended it something like ...

"Woah, it would be funny if Donald actually wins. Heee heeeee....."

But, they made too many good points on that show and now I'm gonna end this way-too-long article like this ...

...Donald Trump should not be the leader of The United States of America. I think many residents of that beautiful and wonderful country would be embarrassed by a man, who's making a mockery of them, becoming their representative in Global Affairs. 

I think Trump as President would be a Disaster.

...and....

You know what WALLY? You know what!?

Stay in yer seat, Wally.
Stay in yer seat, Wally....
STAY IN YOUR SEAT WALLY!

 Because You're a Disgrace to the Conservative Cause, Wally.

End Note (March 04 / 2016): After binge-watching a shit-ton of old Wally George Hot Seat over the last month or so ... I really should go and amend  an article entitled "General Retrospective: Who Will be Remembered as The King of Trash TV?" ... I should give a lot more credit to Wally George instead of just a slight mention. That show is soooo fucking funny and the set-decor is outstanding. From the Nixon shrine to the photo of John Wayne ... but the most beautiful piece of set-decor I've ever seen on a talk show is this wall hanging:

 It's in almost every shot because it's right behind Wally's desk and it's so perfect. It's so simple yet so true. If this is up for auction somewhere as an artifact/relic I hope it sells for a million bucks. I do.

Baseball: Re-Visiting Pronation

I wroted about Pro-Nation the other month or so.

This one: Supination Versus Pronation (Sept 3. 2015)

I wrote that mainly based on things I've read Mike Marshall write about as well as some other things. Mike Marshall has a free online book on his website where he writes about himself being his own test subject in the field of kinesiology over his baseball career.

My rule with strange unconventional data on the internet is ... first figure out if this person is saying whacky things in order to make money and if that's the case then be skeptical ... in this case his book on his website is totally free and incredibly interesting ... he wants people to read it and he doesn't want any money for this information. He just really wants people to know about Pronation, that's all.

Mike Marshall's free online book: http://www.drmikemarshall.com/FreeCoachingBaseballPitchersBook.html

When you read free data on the internet by interesting fellows, you may come away from it with a case of "View Point Shock" as Ivan Stang refers to the condition in his book "High Weirdness by Mail."

With Mike Marshall's Pronation book I think I did walk away with a bit of View Point Shock and the whole concept of pronation may have taken on some sort of ancient guru-like mythical proportions to it.

Like a hippie who learns about the Cosmos ... and walks away from it all like "whoaaa man, it's like, whooaaa man" ... I think I walked away from Marshall's book all like "whhooooa man, like Pronation, man! Like Whoaaa."

I still think it's a great book though. Don't get me wrong. There's just one thing I want to alter in that article I wrote. There was one factor that I totally didn't think of before making one of the thesis in it. I claimed that Japanese pitchers in the Nippon League's use of pronation style pitches more frequently (i.e. the Shuuto) was a factor in why Japanese pitchers required less surgery and were healthier during their careers.

There is a more obvious factor though that I failed to consider (as such).


Other Factor in Why Japanese Pitchers are Injured Less Often than the Ones in MLB

The screwball is still a great pitch and is proven by Marshall that the myth that it "destroys arms" is unfounded. He has adequately proven Supination does far more damage to arms than pitches that require Pronation to achieve their breaks. He has indeed proven that the screwball is no more dangerous than any other pitch.

It is no more dangerous ... but is it safer than other breaking balls? Possibly, yes. Yet, the claim that I made that it was highly probable that Japanese League Pitchers are not injured with the same frequency as MLB pitchers due to their use of more pronation break pitches, may not be fully correct. There's a great big factor that was not considered on my part.

The factor that was not considered was that Nippon League pitchers have a lot more rest time than Major League Pitchers. The Japan league over there starts in mid March and ends in early October, a bit longer than the MLB calendar. BUT, They only play 146 games as opposed to 162 games.

So, they take the same amount of time to finish one season but they play 16 less games. I was looking at the Yomiuri Giants schedule for 2016 and there's large chunks in some months where they have 5-7 days off in a row. You wouldn't find that in an MLB team's schedule.

Example month: http://www.giants.jp/en/schedule/201606.html

Having 7-10 days off per month is not uncommon at all in that league. It may be that Japanese pitchers lose less games to injury and require less surgery than MLB pitchers because they have way more time to rest their arms. It may just be as simple a cause as that ... and may not have to with Japanese pitchers use of pronation breaking pitchers.

Major League Baseball is looking lately at trimming the schedule but they are looking into that not to save pitchers arms but to have the season finish earlier (to avoid conflicting schedules with other pro sports teams and to avoid winter weather during the playoffs). So even if they end up cutting the schedule down it will not translate into more rest days per month for pitchers.

It might save them a lot of arm injuries if they trim the schedule down from 162 games but still run it from April to October.

Conclusion

Alright so Yes pronation is still cool and, No the screwball is not more dangerous than other pitches. It is not an "arm killer" or "arm destroyer" in the least.

But, the case of Nippon League pitchers not getting injured as often as MLB pitchers may have more to do with how many off days they get per month to rest their arms and maybe is not because Japanese pitchers throw more pronation breaking balls than MLB pitchers do.

I know in the Winter Meetings MLB was looking to trim the schedule down from 162 games ... but their reasons were not for arm health and won't give the player more off days but would make the season finish in September instead of October. This move would not reduce any arm injuries therefore.

It would be an experiment to see if they do trim the schedule but still do the league from April to October ... give a few more off days per month ... and see if injuries and surgeries come down for pitchers' arms. I don't know how viable that is though ... but it may indeed reduce pitchers injuries greatly.

RIP Tony Phillips: Was He the Most Under Rated Player of All Time?

Baseball Star Tony Phillips died of a heart attack today at the age of 56, may he rest in peace.

I just want to write a short article about him because, as a fan of baseball stats, I consider him a guy who probably has a legit chance of being the Most Under Rated Player of All Time.

Let's look at as his career stats first.

Position(s): SS, 3B, 2B, OF ... very versatile. 

Plate Appearances: 9110
Runs: 1300
Hits: 2023
Doubles: 360
Triples: 50
Homers: 160
Runs Batted In: 819
Base on Balls: 1319
Steals/Attempts: 177/291 (60.8% success rate)

Avg.: .266
OBP: .374
SLG: ..389
OPS: .763

Awards and Accolades: None What-So-Ever

That's a pretty decent career that he had and I almost find it shocking that he was never elected to even one All Star Game or ever won any sort of award of any kind.

I'm not saying he's a Hall of Fame caliber player but he only got 1 vote in total when his name came up and did not warrant a discussion of his candidacy.


How Come No One Remembers Tony Phillips as the Star that He Was?

I think I have the reason why and it is something that comes up when I write those "Tim Raines for Hall of Fame" articles every year.

Back in the days that Phillips played in the 80s and 90s when you watched baseball on TV the station would put a stat line overlayed on the screen for every hitter during their first at bat (and then what he did that day for the rest of his at bats). This stat lines would always be in bright yellow font for the categories and white font for the numbers and the categories were always without fail...

1. AVG
2. HR
3. RBI

Those are the metrics that everyone was told to take as what was important for a player to do in order to be considered a good player. Despite being a star player, Tony Phillips DID NOT excel in those three categories and therefore no one who watched baseball ever thought he was as good as he was. He'd come up to the plate and they'd see ... let's take his last at bat of 1996 when he played Left Field for the Chicago White Sox as an example.... People watching WGN baseball with Hawk and Wimpy back in '96 would have seen Tony Phillips walk to the plate and this stat line would appear on the screen as he took his practice swings in the box....

1. Avg: .277
2. HR: 12
3. RBI: 63

Fans at home would look at that back in '96 and say things like...

".277 ? Heck, that's not that great. He's not that good. He can't hit that well."

"Only 12 homers? That's not that much. He's not a good power hitter."

"Only 63 Runs Batted In? That sucks. This player sucks."

...and those fans would have been correct. BUT, that's not what made Tony Phillips a star player. That stat line does not tell you that Tony Phillips walked a league leading 125 times that season! A hundred and twenty five times! If you're new to baseball stats what does that means? It means 125 times during 1996 Phillips reached base without making an out ... yet those 125 instances are in no way reflected in that archaic stat line of AVG/HR/RBI.

Phillips had a .404 OBP in 1996 and was hitting ahead of the South Side Sluggers ... Mr. Big Hurt Frank Thomas and Robin Ventura. His walks and decent speed helped him score 119 runs that year. When you're hitting ahead of Frank Thomas ... a walk is a pretty big deal. If Hurt homers or doubles next at bat ... you score a run.

This was the case for Tony's entire career.... he played for six different teams over his 18 year career and managed to score 1,300 runs. That's quite a lot of runs. He had above average speed (career high 19 stolen bases in 1990 for the Tigers) and was frequently on the bases. He ranks 126th all time in Runs Scored ... only 125 players have scored more runs than him in all of history.

On top of it all, he was a switch hitter who could play well in almost every single position (except catcher and pitcher) making him an asset on any team and could almost fit any role they needed him to fit.

It's not a stretch to consider Tony Phillips as the most under rated baseball player of all time, it really isn't. No one remembers him as being a great ball player but he definitely was.


Conclusion

Tony Phillips is probably the greatest baseball player who never got invited to an All Star Game.... at least from the era that I watched baseball in. I'm sure there's other candidates for that title but from all of the ones I can think of and that I'm familiar with ... I think Tony was one of if not the most under rated players of all time. He's not a Hall of Famer but he was definitely All Star Caliber ... though he was never considered as such in his playing days.

For those Montreal baseball fans that read these articles on this site, Tony has a small place in Expos history. He was drafted by Montreal but traded for Willie Montanez (who in 81 at bats with the Expos had a .460 OPS with Zero Home Runs). If anyone compiles a Worst Trade in Expos History List ... you have to include Phillips for Montanez near the top. It wasn't a great trade.

Rest in Peace Mr Tony Phillips.




 

Short Retraction: Of a Statement Made in Regards to James Douglas Muir Leno

This is a retraction piece in regards to statements made in this following article:


Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross Overs (3/3/15): http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2015/03/stupidest-fake-wrestling-talk-show-host.html


Out of all individuals mentioned in that article, only two, were presented in a less than positive light. Everyone mentioned in that article was presented in a good light ... except for two people ... one was Brother Love and the other was Jay Leno.

The following retraction of negative statements in this retraction does not apply to Brother Love ... he's still uninteresting and a lame wrestling personality ... but the negative statement about Jay Leno has to be amended or even removed.

I refrained from calling Jay a "retard" in that article because I personally believed that he was legitimately mentally handicapped and due my code-of-ethics I will never call a genuinely mentally handicapped person a "retard" because it's low-handed and it's not polite.

Now, look. I wasn't just being mean for the sake of being mean to Jay Leno. I have actual (or what I thought was) decent evidence that Jay Leno was a bit slow ... but ... before we get into that ... for the record I should also state at this juncture that in all the Three Big Media Feuds that Jay Leno has been involved in over the years I've historically never sided with him.

These matters were:

1. One David Letterman versus One Jay Leno
2. One Howard Stern versus One Jay Leno
3. One Conan O'Brien versus One Jay Leno

In all three of these historic media feuds I was staunchly in the anti-Jay camp and supported his opponents in each matter as such. Now, does this mean I am simply biased towards Jay Leno? No, it doesn't. The reason I have never publicly supported Jay Leno is due to very specific reasons and has nothing to do with any sort of negative bias I may hold against Jay Leno.

In the case of Letterman versus Leno ... Jay hid under a desk during a meeting between individuals regarding matters which did not concern him and thus engaged in extremely under-handed tactics to secure his position as replacement for One Johnny Carson.

Leno and Rondstadt lure Robin into Pincer Attack

In the case of Stern versus Leno ... Jay offered an olive branch to the Stern camp by inviting One Robin Quivers onto his show as a sign of goodwill and friendship in order to smooth out relations between both camps. YET ... Jay then used this feigned trust offering as means to ambush Ms. Robin Quivers in a pincer attack in which himself and One Linda Ronstadt proceeded to verbally abuse her. Again, the methods used in this feud by Leno were underhanded and showed much cowardice.

In the case of Conan versus Leno ... Jay agreed in paper to retire at a certain point and Conan signed an agreement saying he would be the replacement when Leno retired. On the eve of the retirement and take-over ... Leno somehow negotiated a counter-deal in which he would move his show to air before Conan's yet Conan would still technically get the 11:30 Tonight Show space. Leno's new earlier show thus pushed the drama lead-ins to an earlier time slot (Law and Order et. al) ... thus ... the drama lead-ins were still Leno's ... and Conan's lead in was an aging and boring Jay Leno. Thus, Leno's retirement became more of a strategic shift that ultimately destroyed both shows ... much to Leno's delight. It was some sort of underhanded Japanese Kamikaze suicide attack used by Leno ... and it can only be described as being vindictive and underhanded.

So, yes, even though I've never sided with him in any Media Feud regarding Leno, it IS NOT because I have a bias towards the fellow. My opinions on those matters are based on what I perceive to be under-handed and cowardly tactics employed by Leno over the years.

Now, with that out of the way let's get to the main question of this article....


Jay Leno is NOT Mentally Handicapped

Again, I honestly believed that was true and he was "slow"... I didn't just say that to be mean. Why did I previously believe that Mr. Leno was possibly slightly mentally handicapped? This is why....

First of all, he inherited the Tonight Show, and we need a little history on that first. The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson took a hard line when it came to charlatons, brigands, and snake oil salesman. Carson would routinely lure unsuspecting bozo-clowns such as Uri Geller into unbreakable traps designed by One James Randi to expose these con men for the world to see....

Observe:

Uri exposed in Johnny and Randi's Deadly Trap!

Uri Geller is put into a situation where his scammy ass shitck won't fly. Unlike the trap Leno set up to stab Robin Quivers in the back ... this isn't a cowardly trap ... this is a service to humanity and Carson and James Randi should be commended for their valiant efforts and stratagems.

That was the Tonight Show's stance in regards to charlatans and scam artists... but fast forward to the Leno Era of the Tonight Show and that main tenet of the program was removed like it never happened. Spoon benders and any other "psychic" bozo-clowns were on Leno's version of the Tonight Show doing the dumbest crap without any questions asked of them ... and that's fine ... I guess ... but the Tonight Show under Carson flew with a skeptic banner for its entire history until Leno just didn't feel like carrying on that tradition.

Jay Leno went a completely "go along with the bit" route with every spoon bender and person like that who ever appeared on his show. Now did Leno go along with these bits for fun or did he really actually believe that people can bend spoons with their "minds"? I never thought he did believe this shit but ... then one time ... I heard him tell a very silly story that led me to believe that he is a very gullible and a genuinely odd fellow.

Sometime in the late 1990s ... Jay Leno told a story once to a guest on the Tonight Show, in which he claims to have ordered a package from an ad on the back of a comic book as a kid, and they sent him the wrong package. When he opened the package ... he claims a "small man" in a "suit" jumped out of the box ... looked at him .... freaked out ... and proceeded to run out of his home ... never to be seen or heard from ever again.

Now, he goes on to insist that this really did happen, that it's not a joke, or a ruse. He honestly believed this happened.

Okay, this was the exact moment that I became convinced that Jay was slightly mentally handicapped. I can believe a guy who tells a story like this could really be dumb enough to believe that a guy can bend spoons with his mind and other gullible ass shit.

He said a "Small Man" (which using his hands he claims to have been maybe 1 foot tall or less) ... totally 100% alive and not a toy ... was sent to his house through the mail ... and then once freed from the box ... this 1 foot tall "small man" freaked out and ran outside never to be seen from again.

Yeah........... Okay, there....... Leno. Yeah right.

You're a moron. Or are you?

Interesting Information Comes to Light

When I heard Jay make that claim ... and defend it like it really happened ... I honestly thought the guy was fucking crazy. The first thing I thought of when he described it as a small man was that bit on Sesame Street. I was picturing that darned Teeny Little Super Guy running out of Jay Leno's childhood home when I heard him refer to it as a "small man."

I thought it was the Teeny Little Super Guy or some shit...

Obviously this never happened, right? Yet new evidence which may exonerate Jay in this matter has come to the forefront....

I was listening on Monday of February the 8th to the wonderful and delightful radio program called "The Gilbert Gottfried Amazing Colossal Podcast" hosted by One Gilbert Gottfried and side-windered by One Frank Santopadre. They had on a guest, One Joe Dante, brilliant director of great films such as Gremlins 1 and Gremlins 2 (great movies, great movies) and founder of the website "Trailers from Hell." 

Gilbert, Frank, and Joe were discussing old movies and campy sixties and seventies culture and Gilbert brought up the topic that in the back of comic books in that era there was an ad to literally purchase MONKEYS via mail order. Joe Dante thought Gilbert was talking about the gimmicky specks known as "sea monkeys" BUT NO.... Gilbert said there were ads to buy real live monkeys via the mail. I looked into this and...

....YES! Fools were selling live small "squirrel monkeys" via the mail in that era! What the fuck!? First of all ... that's inhumane and disgusting. Gilbert said that most of the monkeys came dead on arrival to the home or on the verge of death as they were unable to survive whatever these cruel assholes packaged the poor creatures in.

The ads were the following:

 

Whaaaaaat?

No! Stupid! You don't send Monkeys through the MAIL! 

They put clothes on it!? It's looks like a "Small Man" !

No! What is wrong with people!? Don't send monkeys through the mail system!

So, as it would seem ... the backs of comic books in the era in which One James Douglas Muir Leno was a child ... were INDEED selling what could be described as "small men" through the mail ... which is obviously animal cruelty and very stupid and wrong ... but ... it 100% occurred.

Describing it as a "Little Man" really threw me off. I thought, like Joe Dante thought Gilbert was talking about, that Leno sent away for those stupid little bacteria specks known as "Sea Monkeys" and when Leno claimed he received a "small man" in the mail I thought he was full of shit ...

.... but it turns out he wasn't. Wow. His description of a Small Man coming out of a package actually makes sense after this new evidence has been brought to light.

Final Retraction and Conclusion

Since this dumb blog has morphed into basically a "Compendium of My Dumb Opinions on Things" as opposed to "Writings on Subjects" ... I must retract the statement I made a while back that Jay Leno is retarded.

Jay Leno is an under-handed fellow in regards to Media Feuds he engages himself  in ... yet ... with new evidence supporting his claims that he was sent a "Small Man" via mail order to his abode ... I officially and with great remorse retract my statements in regards to Jay Leno being a big retard because it turns out he actually isn't.

Some time this month I'm gonna write about the current Late Night Wars between Colbert and Fallon ... and I will let you know ... I honestly believe that it is in the utmost and urgent importance that Colbert surpass Fallon in the ratings. Jimmy Fallon hosting a Day-Time talk show (which is lamer than the one Ellen Degeneres does) in the 11:30 Tonight Show slot is an affront to the history of Late Night television. Stephen Colbert must win this modern Late Night War ... it's not even a joke ... it's not even funny anymore. 

Fallon is one of the most affronterous fellows I've ever seen on Tee Vee. A brazen fellow if I've ever seen one. What is his end-game? Who knows but what this man is up to is simply not correct. Simply not correct.

With this revelation that Leno is slightly less bad than previously thought ... Fallon has fallen to the bottom rung of historic hosts of the Tonight Show.  

Official Historic Tonight Show hosts Power Ranking:

1. Carson

2. Allen

3. Conan *

4. Parr

5. Leno

6. Fallon

*Conan didn't get enough time to shine in the slot, only 1.5 years, due to the underhanded kamikaze-style actions of Leno which dropped him down in the rankings. 

 

Race in Hollywood .... and In Asia?

Lotta of people talking about Race relations in Hollywood these days. It's an interesting topic. I think I have a strange angle to go with on this though.

There's basically 3 things I wanna hit and quit in this article:

1) Hollywood is a Big Huge Business now and it's not necessarily about the content any longer but about expanding its brand.

2) People Always rag on America being racist but I think Other Parts of the World need to realize how racist their countries are too.

3) Race and skin color in Asia is something that society has issues with as well.


Gonna write about those three things and then wrap it up together in the conclusion part. Don't worry, if you're gonna read this, don't worry I'm going somewhere with these three seemingly unrelated matters.


Hollywood is Not about the Content Anymore

I used to always think "things were better back in my day" like entertainment was better when I was a kid and whatnot. I realized maybe it was just me though, I was just getting older and every generation feels that way and things weren't better back then it was just that my generation was over and a new one was starting. So, I admitted to myself that I was wrong and that things were not better back in "my day" ... I came to the realization that I was just old now and grumpy about the kids these days.

...but...

Then I heard someone say something that made me do a U-Turn on that mental conclusion. I was listening to the Late Rowdy Roddy Piper's podcast and he was interviewing someone (I can't recall who now ... I think it was King Kong Bundy though). Anyways, Piper was saying that things were "better in his day" and that WWE was better back in the 80s and 90s ... and I was thinking "no, you're just old bro" ... but he said something that really made me think. He explained WHY it was better in the old days and it made sense to me. I'm gonna paraphrase what he said because I can't find in it the podcast archive (I think they took them down after he passed away) where he said this but he said something along the lines of ...

...That the WWE was better in the 80s and 90s because it was a company trying to brand itself and become big ... and to do that they needed to provide quality entertainment and content. Yet, now in today's world of 2016, the WWE no longer has to build its brand because they already did that. They have a huge brand to work with and now their main goal is to spread their brand to other markets (China, India, South East Asia, etc) in order to gain more viewership and make a lot more money.

It is now the BRAND itself that sells and they want to get this BRAND into other markets to make more money ... and the content? It's no longer what sells the brand. The content is just conveyor belt re-hash of old content. The content is no longer even needed, it has been uniformed, pitch corrected and corporatized to be ready to serve to the market. The content and quality of the entertainment value is now a NON FACTOR.

I have to agree with this. I really do. Rowdy Piper was right, he was. The WWE when it was trying to get noticed and trying to build itself into a big company had to rely on pure entertainment value and good content to do that ... and now that it is a huge corporate entity with a humongous Brand loyalty ... the entertainment value and content has definitely been put onto the back burner. All they worry about now is how to get their logo and brand into new and profitable markets ... and that's ALL they worry about.

Now, is Hollywood in the same boat? For sure. Hollywood movies are big budget things and that money comes from some very big corporations. It is no longer about the art or the content ... it is about "giving people what they want" and "entering new profitable markets."

You do a few opinion polls to see what the movie goers want and you make conveyor belt products based on those opinion polls ... the movies pretty much make themselves ... all the special effects are outsourced to electronic plantations in India or somewhere where they do all the boring editing work.

The movies are now PRODUCTS and they are not ART. The execs want to move these products like any other product. Like, a guy who runs a juice company ... he'd look at the market test research and say ... "okay so mango juice sells well in this region, so let's discontinue grape juice and focus on exporting and advertising mango juice to this region now" ... and that's the same way movie products are dealt with now. An exec will say, "Okay, so product 22B Generic Super Hero Action Movie sold well in the South East Asia market, ok great, let's start churning out more of those for that region because we can move that product easy."

If you read the Sony emails that were leaked, in my opinion, the most telling one, and the one which proves that this is true was the one about Denzel Washington. The email stated that his film "The Equalizer" didn't sell in Asian Markets and thus only made 200 million instead of 350 million. So, next time they'll find a guy for the movie who will sell in Asia.

Now, you probably know where I'm going with this. Basically, Hollywood not casting black actors and actresses is not because they are necessarily racist and hate black people ... it's because ASIA doesn't like movies with black people!




Rest of the World? Maybe you should stop hating on America and Hate on Your Own Selves for a bit.


First of all, I'm not trying to say there's no racism in America, there is. Groups like the KKK, and the like are still active and racism is very alive in America ...

...but...

I will go ON RECORD and state that race relations in America might be the best on EARTH. America is trying to create a nation which is the Best of the Best of all the cultures in the world, and yes at times the groups don't mix and they faction themselves off ... but in many cases the groups are mixing and inter-breeding very well.

Try this on for size, the people of America ... elected a visible minority ... a black guy ... Barack Obama ... to be their official leader and represent them in global affairs. They did that. Twice.

What about you Europe? Where's the visible minorities leading your countries? No where.

England's national dish is Curry, but in all honestly, do you think there will ever be an Indian visible minority elected Prime Minister? No. Why? Because British people would never do that. They are more racist than Americans. You think they never had slavery? They had slaves in Jamaica. Fuck, under British law ... all people are "subjects of the Queen" .... everyone's a fucking slave in England.

France? Will they ever have a black guy or arab guy as their leader. Nope. Probably never. You think they didn't have slavery? Go look up the history of Haiti if you think France never enslaved black people.

Germany? Oh shit... you think there will ever be a visible minority as Germany's leader? Yeah right. Germany is like the most racist country in history. It's Nazi Central. You know what would be cool down in Germany? A Jew President in Germany ... now that would be cool. Would it ever happen? Sadly, never.

Everyone singles out America as being like the most racist and uncivilized country but Europe has as bad or even worse ghettos than the USA nowadays ... all the Arabs in England and France have been relegated to the poorest parts of town and Arabs have a difficult time in Europe.

If a non-white in America asks his or her Mom ... "Mom can I be President someday?" his or her mom can say "Yes, honey, Barack did it ... so you can too" .... but in Europe? You think an Indian or Pakistani kid in England or France can ask his or her mom that question and be told the same answer? No, because that child has ZERO chance of becoming president in those countries. The majority population of those countries would never vote him or her in ... let alone twice in a row.


Canada is the same thing too. Canada operates on this sort of "There's No Problems in Canada, Canada is Perfect" attitude that ensures change cannot occur in its boarders and problems can't be solved. Canada elected a guy who's seen as a "change" because he's only in his forties. I don't call that change ... elect a chick or a black dude or a chinese guy ... that's more of a change than a white guy who's in his 40s instead of his 50s. Will Canada ever have a visible minority as leader like the USA had? No.

Anyways, gotta stay on topic here, back to Denzel Washington not being able to sell Hollywood's products in Asia ... I'm not here to talk about Europe or Canada ... today we're talking about ...




Race and Skin Color in ASIA

I don't think many people would know about this if you don't live there or whatever. I have read some accounts on this matter, mostly by accident, and can form a decent opinion on it, I guess. Things I've read over the years provide me some insight on this even though I wasn't really ever trying to study skin color obsession in Asia.

I read Warren Cromartie's book a long time ago, "Slugging it Out in Japan" about a "gaijin" playing baseball in Japan and it is interesting. I didn't realize that racism isn't just an American thing ... like, people tend to think we have the monopoly on racism but America doesn't at all ... every country is scared of people who look different than they do.

Great CD.

Cromartie is a rare success story though, as he won an MVP in their baseball league and helped their biggest franchise win a championship ... so he is pretty much Super Famous in Japan. He learned the language quite well, appeared in sketch comedy shows, wrestling matches, and formed a band (Climb) where he was the drummer whilst in Japan in addition to his baseball fame.

Alright, well if we wanna to get to the bottom of why Asia isn't big on black actors in movies we shouldn't focus on one of the lone success stories of "gaijins" in Asia. Let's go deeper.

First of all, forget about actual like Black Guys when you think of "black guys" in Asia, in Asia there really isn't very many at all ... their qualification for who is black and white is very different ... so having dark skin color and being known as "black" in Asia means being slightly darker than other Asians. An Asian guy in Asia who's skin is slightly darker than average is known as being "black."

This goes back a long time in Chinese History, if you read Outlaws of the Marsh, the leader of the band of heroes is Song Jiang and this character has two nicknames in the book. He's known as "Timely Rain" to his friends (translates basically to "the guy who's there when you need him") and Song's second nickname is "Blacky" because of his dark skin. There's another character Li Kui who's known as the "Black Whirlwind." This book is where Robin Hood was stolen from and it's about these heroic bandits who steal from the rich and give to the poor. This book is a very "counter-culture" sort of book in China and the depiction of these heroes as being dark skinned was rare for the time period and very likely upset the ruling class.

Tat is apparently a "black guy" to Chinese people.

To give you a modern example of what China considers a "black guy" we can look at Man-Tat Ng, a character actor who shows up in many a gambling movie and many a Steven Chow movie. Man-Tat's nickname in movies and in real life is "Blacky Tat" because his skin is apparently very dark.

Alright, I think Man-Tat is a good example of race in modern China. Just ask yourself this ok .... If you want a quick crash course on skin color down in Asia just understand this ....


.... If China thinks Man-Tat Ng is a Black Guy then what would they consider Denzel Washington as?


Look China, I don't know how to break this to you but Man-Tat Ng is NOT a black dude, okay? If your skin color qualifications are THAT obsessive to the point where you'd qualify that man in that photo above as having "black" skin then your obsession with skin color is much more fucked up than America's melanin obsession. Almost 1000 times more fucked up.

This obsession of light skin has its roots in old texts of famous thinkers and government officials in China who spoke of light skin as being a sought after trait. Either way it's not important where it started but the notion that "light skin is good" is VERY ingrained in current Chinese life, and they view light skin as desirable in both real life and in movies.

That's the reality of this race problem and since Hollywood wants to enter into these Asian markets, they have to deal with a skin color obsession that's more pronounced than it is in America.

Great films.

Hollywood is actively trying to solve this problem too. I consider the Rush Hour films starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker ... in strategic terms .... as Hollywood execs trying something along the lines of ... "let's try and get Asia to dig black people by making them go, Hey look Jackie's best friend is a black man! I guess if Jackie likes them so should we!" ... and I think it may have worked to some extent. They can try more buddy comedies ... like a Chow Yun Fat + Kevin Hart vehicle ... or maybe a Steven Chow + Mr T type of film to continue this strategy.

Honestly though, I don't think Hollywood should try and cater to the Asian market because Asia makes their own entertainment for themselves anyways. Chinese movies are getting fucking amazing, they are. They are big budget products these modern Chinese movies. Hollywood should fucking worry about losing the American market to Asia more so than trying to conquer the Asian market.

I don't think Hollywood should actively not cast black people because they are scared Asians won't watch the movie.


Conclusion


Before we hate on Hollywood too much, it should be known that Hollywood is not in the Arts business anymore ... it's in the conquering all global markets and making a lotta money business now.

When it comes to people wiggin' out about the dumb Oscars. Look, the Oscars isn't important, at all. The only reason any sane person ever watched the Oscars was to see Joan Rivers making fun of celebrities and calling people ugly ... and now that Joan is gone ... there exists no more reason for any sane individual to watch the Oscars.

As bad as race relations are in USA, it is STILL better than any other country on earth. It really is almost achieving a Buckminster Fuller envisioned Best of the Best Global Human Society and I don't think any other place on earth has even come close to what America has achieved in the last 50 years.

How do you get more visible minorities in acting roles? In the current state of Hollywood ... you'd have to convince China that a guy like Man-Tat Ng's skin color and people with skin darker than that are cool ... so ... yeah ... this is a very difficult and uphill battle. If they consider that actor as having skin that's too dark and only cast him to play buffoons and villains then good luck getting Asian markets to watch movies with people who are actual literal sexual chocolate caliber black people.

All factors considered, Hollywood is a business that wants to maximize profits and black actors are not being well received in the markets they want to try and sell their products to.

Look, Hollywood is not what it used to be, ok? It's an arm for Sony and some other businesses and that's the cold hard facts. Why would anyone care if they didn't win the "You Moved the Most Units for Sony Award."

Also, last but not least, if Spike Lee thinks "Chi-Raq" deserves an Oscar then Spike Lee is legit crazy.





(End Note: I was googling more about Skin Color obsession in China and this article seems like a good exmaple if you're interested in further understanding the subject: (http://asiasociety.org/blog/asia/china-long-tradition-dodging-sun-photos) . If you google the subject of light skin in China you'll find a lot of data on it.)

Guns

Whoa, everybody talkin' about guns. You go down to the club or the batting cages or the pub or the driving range and what is everyone talking about left and right? It's guns.

Pow pow. Guns. Pow Pow! Pew Pew!



My Experiences with Guns


Honestly, I don't give much of a crap about the darn things. They're cool and whatnot but I don't really get a kick out of these friggin' things.

Only time I ever shooted guns was at skeets a long long time ago, I shot a shotgun at skeets one time at some cottage and it was pretty cool. Skeets are those white things like in the third stage in Duck Hunt on NES.

 Skeets.

I admit guns can be cool and fun but, I don't know, I gotta say the fucking things are super fucking dangerous, man.

My other experiences with guns have only been video game related. The cool thing about video games is you can shoot guns but the only people that get hurt don't even exist....

Like, one time in Fallout 2, I was sick of dealing with all the mobster characters in New Reno and didn't want to do all their little mob shit ... so I just started fucking shooting all of them. It seemed like a good idea at first because me and my crew were just mowing those gangsters down like bowling pins in the Casino .. and there was like a hundred of those gangster guys and more of them were coming in from the street as backup ... but me and my crew were still fucking killing every single one of them that came at us...

... but then, one of my crew, that fucking idiot Marcus pulls out a god damn Gatling Gun and starts shooting up the Casino with that fucking Gatling Gun and he blows off all the limbs of one of the other guys from my crew (Vic) and I'm like....what the fuck, man? What's your problem?

So I reload the game from my last save, to try and kill all of the damned gangsters and whatnot ALL OVER AGAIN, but this time I go into that fucking bozo Marcus's inventory and take off his Gatling Gun so he doesn't fucking go full retard with it and kill all my other friends. Great, so again for the second time, I killed like 100 sweaty greasy gangsters ... and then out of nowhere that fucking Sulik pulls out a sub machine gun (that I don't even remember giving him) and starts shooting that fully automatic murder gadget like a maniac ... and he's set in the tactics options to "Stay Close to Me" as my bodyguard ... so this fucking crazy fool is "close to me" and is shooting off a god damn sub machine gun .... and guess what? He blows my fucking head off! GAME OVER. BAM.

New Reno - Da City Dat Neva Sleeps!

Fuck, gotta do it ALL OVER AGAIN, ok, great. Fine, here Sulik take the "Little Jesus" knife I stole off the dead body from that last Casino I "accidentally" shot up ... gimme that fucking sub machine gun ... you fucking moron! You stab people ok? Don't shoot them! Ok? Good. You're not SMART ENOUGH TO USE THIS WEAPON! FUCKER! OKAY!?

Alright so now Marcus was punching people with some electronic brass-knuckles (or some shit) and knocking sweaty gangsters around the Casino like some kinda Ball Room Blitz, and my boy Sulik is stabbing the fuck out of these greasy bastids with his red-handled knife ... and finally everything is hunky dory. Thank Goodness.

Look, I know an under-levelled Me shouldn't have been trying to kill all the gangsters in New Reno with just myself, Sulik, Vic, Cassidy, and Marcus ... but, man ... I didn't want to do all those lame fetch quests for these fucking crime fags. I just do the porn one and the Mike Tyson inspired one (and reload if he bites my ear off) ... and then kill all the gangsters in that fucking hell hole. It's not that hard, the thing that made it hard was.....

....MY OWN FUCKING FRIENDS KEPT KILLING ME BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO BE TRUSTED WITH A FUCKING FIRE ARM !!!!!

Dammit. I don't even have positive experiences with guns in fucking Video Games.

On a side note, I watched a video the other day where some European guy beats Fallout 4 without killing a single creature, now that's something man. That guy can't even bring himself to take a life in a make-believe reality where danger awaits you at every second of your journey through the wasteland. Damn, now that's a display of empathy, man. Someone should make that guy the next Pope ... because his heart must be filled with something very special if he can go through all of Fallout 4 without killing even one single mutated rat thing let alone take a video game human's life. Wow.


Yes, I'll Admit Guns are Pretty Cool...

Yo, one time, I was watching this movie ... Death Wish 4, starring Legend and Icon Mr. Charles Bronson ... and yo, there's a part in that movie that just floored me and made me laugh for like 5 straight minutes.

The scene is the following scene:

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Haha, he blows that dude up with that grenade launcher in what can only be described as The Most Hilarious Way Possible. That movie is boring and bad ... and then out of nowhere ... that grenade launcher scene wakes you back up from your doze and just makes you start laughing like an animal.

Fuck.

Another time, I was watching this movie called Hard Ticket to Hawaii and this fucking skate-punk is giving the business to the good guys ... and man ... the good guy pulls one of these on that skate-punk piece of trash... look at this:

Ooooh man he must be smokin' some Heavy-Doobies....

Oh my gosh. Wow. Nothing like a missile launcher. Might as well blow up the blow-up doll too while your at it.

I'll be the first one to admit that guns are so fucking cool. I would have never remembered those two movies, Death Wish 4 and Hard Ticket to Hawaii if it wasn't for those incredibly filmed masterpiece- esque grenade launcher and missile launcher scenes. Those are cinematic creations that will live for eternity.

On the other hand....

Yes Guns are Pretty Cool, But let's Face it ... They Are Very Very Dangerous

I was looking at the stats that do exist for fire arm related accidents. Not even like deaths from fire arms on purpose with intent but just injuries and fatalities from ACCIDENTAL fire arm discharges and they aren't really pretty.

As a person who got his head blown off more times than he can count by Sulik and Marcus in Fallout 2 ... I can attest to the fact that, Yes indeed, friendly fire from fire arms is super fucking dangerous.

From all the statistics that have been recorded it shows that stray bullets and accidental discharges of weapons are pretty common.

In the hunting category alone, all government recorded and industry recorded stats tend to harmonize at about 1,000 injuries from hunting accidents and on average 100 of those accidents result in fatalities in the USA. Yes, one hundred people a year die from being shot by some idiot who doesn't know how to use a fucking gun. A hundred fucking people die a year on some dumb campin' trip up-north to shoot some fucking birds or rabbits or some woodland shit.

It's not just in video games that some Sulik or some Marcus accidentally blows their friends heads off while trying to kill something else. At least one hundred humans are killed each year from some dope trying to shoot down some dumb bird or some fucking thing.

That's just hunting accidents too. The other big branch of accidents stats is the in-home accidental firing of arms that result in injury and death. People have guns in the home for protection and there are indeed a couple of stories each year of heroes who fended off intruders from the home ... but ... those couple of stories a year are drowned out by the negative stories of guns in homes.

Having small children and deadly weapons in the house is a recipe for disaster. Kids can't even use a fucking stove without burning their stupid selves, they can't even jump on a bed without getting a fucking injury ... kids are dumber than shit .... and people want to have deadly firearms in the home whilst having the animal known as "children" in the home as well. That's fucking stupid.

If you synthesize all the lists of Industry reports, Government Reports, and Third Party reports ... the median statistic is about 50 kids a year die from accidental discharge of fire arms in US public homes. That's just children too ... that's not counting adults killed in accidental fire arm related deaths.

It's not a huge number, but still, fifty kids is still fifty kids. If you're a parent trying to "toddler-proof" your house to minimize factors/variables that can injure your child ... maybe not having a gun in the home would be on that list.

This is just accidents with no criminal intent. The criminal intent stats, I don't find as relevant, because they do fall under "People Kill People ... Guns Don't Kill People" ... a person with intent to murder someone is not the same category as "accidental discharges."

I don't feel the accidental deaths can be argued away with "PKP ... GDKP" ... because the variables which lead to death in gun accidents are the negligence of the person mixed with the dangerousness of the gun. A moron can't kill himself or his friend or his kid with a spoon or something ... but a moron CAN kill himself, his friend, or his kid with a gun.


Best Argument for the Pro-Gun Lobby: Cars

In all the Industry-related reports on gun accidents and gun deaths ... they seem to always play the numbers off against motor vehicle accidents to downplay the severity of gun deaths.

This is actually a good argument, because YES ... hundreds or thousands of accidental deaths from Guns don't look that crazy when you compare it to accidental deaths from motor vehicles.

Globally, adding up all the countries who record traffic related fatalities ... do you know how many people die from motor vehicle related accidents per year?

The WHO estimates ... 1.2 Million human beings die every year around the world from motor vehicles. That's more than some historic wars and that's every year!

The Gun Lobby is smart comparing gun accidents to motor vehicle accidents because the motor vehicle accidents do in fact DWARF gun related accidents.

Is it okay to say...

"Because more people die from cars and trucks ... we should not try to minimize gun related deaths?"

Personally, I don't think that's a smart statement. Why? Because we ARE trying to limit motor vehicle related accidents and just because a lot of people die from vehicles doesn't mean guns are safe.

Also, trucks ship goods and necessities and truck shipping is a NEEDED thing in life ... guns don't ship goods and necessities around the high ways. The only function guns have is shooting deers and thugs and shit. I don't think guns fall in the "necessary" category in today's world. Trucks? Yes, trucks do.

I respect guys like Elon Musk and those guys who champion the "self driving" vehicles because that invention has the potential to save many lives. Over a MILLION people die every year from human mistakes on the roads! The bottom line is ... Humans are TOO STUPID to be trusted with metal cubes which can be propelled up to 200 miles per hour! They are too stupid to be trusted with that!

A hundred years from now when driving vehicles on the highway system has been modified to the point where most of the driving is done by systematic and safe machinery ... we'll look back and be in SHOCK that over a million people a year died from stupid fucking cars! I can't wait for self-driving cars to push out human-driven cars ... because Humans are Retarded!

Just like you can't entrust a Gatling Gun to a guy like Marcus ...

...YOU CAN'T ENTRUST A MILITARY GRADE URBAN ASSAULT VEHICLE LIKE A HUMMER TO SOMEONE AS STUPID AS SAY.... LIZZIE FUCKING GRUBMAN!

As for guns? If Humans are too fucking stupid to be trusted with cars ... then why the fuck would we trust any Tom, Dick, or Harry to own a fucking GUN!?

At least with Cars you need some form of training before getting a driver's license ... but with guns ... any bozo can own one without any form of training. A guy can buy a fucking AK-47 100% legally and does not even require a mental health check or formal training to be allowed to own something that can kill about 100 people in less than thirty seconds.

The bottom line is, yes cars are way more dangerous than guns ... but at least smart people are trying to fix that. A hundred years from now people will laugh at us that we let moronic humans get behind the wheels of vehicles that travel over 100 miles per hour and are constantly close to colliding with one another.



Conclusion

I like the Barrack Obama, he make me cry when he cry. I respect the man's Manly Tears ... and I do not believe they are crocodile tears ... I think they were real tears. I don't think he was pulling those old lady church tears out ... I think they were genuine Man Tears.

As a rational guy, I do see the great argument by the gun lobby that gun accidents are NO WHERE NEAR motor vehicle accidents and therefore it can 100% be properly argued that cars are infinitely more dangerous than guns ... but ... I don't want to "join their team" so to speak.

The Pro-Gun people do weird shit... Like, they get equipped with AK-47s and go "occupy" a StarBucks. I mean, that shit doesn't make them look very sane and I would never want to be associated with whack-jobs like that.

So, if I had to either join the "gun reform" or "pro gun" team I think I'd join the "gun reform" team. The Pro Gun people need saner folks arguing their claims ... I think they have some good data ... especially the car shit to work with but these people fighting for their rights to own assault weapons and walking into coffee shops with loaded fucking assault weapons designed for front line Heavy Infantry use ... it makes them look like fucking crazy folks. Downright crazy folks. It does.

A lot of humans, as we can see from the 1.2 million global traffic deaths per year ... are too dumb to drive vehicles. Many of those same bozos are simply too dumb to own a machine designed for killing ... a gun.

As for gun deaths caused by law enforcement. I think a lot of less-urban places are behind in the times when it comes to Non Lethal Means. Tasers and other Non Lethal Means of incapacitating potential violent targets do indeed save lives and minimize wrongful termination of life.

Palette Cleanser: Let's Rate More Ernest Movies.

Getting heavy. Getting 2 heavy. The views stats are back up thanks to that last one. It's hard writing 'bout Heavy topics. It actually is.

It stress me out this shit, it do, writin' 'bout heavy shit and whatnot. Hey, you know my doctor? That Doctor Vinnie Boombatz? Yeah? Well, I was talking to him the other day and I was like....

"I tell ya doc the last week I was in rough shape. This week I'm okay but the last week? Ho oh, I was in rough shape. I tell ya doc... It's the pressure and this pressure is like a Heaviness and it's always on top of me this Heaviness. I mean other people wake up in the morning and they go "ok wow, it's a new day" .... but when I wake up the Heaviness is right there waiting for me .... and I say "Hello there Heaviness, how are you today?" and The Heaviness looks back at me it goes "Today you're gonna get it GOOD. You're gonna get The Heaviness GOOOD today!" 1

I don't wanna cover no heavy topics no more. Fuck that. I'm done with The Heaviness. I'm gonna stick to stuff that's fun from now on.... gonna do Science, Baseball, and Ernest related topics for the well for-see-able future. Fuck the Heaviness, man. I'm gonna stick to fun topics from now on.

Baseball, Science, and Ernest....

Hmmm, which topic? Let's see. I'm gonna do an Ernest one.

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 1 - Dangerfield, Rodney - "Heaviness" - Preformed at many Various Locations and Instances. (See: HERE for further information regarding "The Heaviness")

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More Ernest

I've written about Ernest on a semi-frequent basis. These ones:

The Long One: The Greatest Debate Still Rages On

Retraction made to that Piece: A Small Retraction Concerning Statements Made about Ernest

Ernest came up at length in this as well: The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most

Reviewing more Ernest movies, that seems like a good idea for this silly writing hobby. That's a fun mental exercise, I'd say. I'm gonna do just that...review some more Ernest movies.

All the good ones were done in the first article though. Like Camp, Jail, Scared, and Christmas were all covered already .... it's only the crappier ones that are left ... like School, Dunk, Africa, Army .... actually Dunk is a pretty decent flick and Army has its moments.

Maybe do like four. Let's do....

1. How's the Weather, Ernest?
2. Slam Dunk Ernest
3. Kung Fu Ernest 
4. Hail to the Ernest

Standard tournament bracket rules. The four films will square off and then two will advance to the finals and then one will be declared Best Ernest Film out of The Four Covered in this Article.



1. How's the Weather, Ernest?

Starring: Ernest, Lyman Ward, Jackée Harry, Gailard Sartain, and Bill Byrge.

Synopsis: Our favorite friend, Ernest, is a cameraman at a local Briarville channel 9 News Station. He enjoys his cameraman job but an undying aspiration to be a the local Briarville Weather Man burns in his heart and soul like a burning unquenchable tempest.

Luck would have it that on the tail end of one soft spring afternoon, the station's current weather man Welman St. Claire (portrayed by the always affable Lyman Ward) calls in sick at the last minute which leaves no one available to film the day's weather segment. Ernest is asked to do it but his shyness and timidness prevent him from taking the Weather Stage. The curt yet sophisticated anchor woman portrayed by actress Jackée Harry manages to instill a small amount of confidence in Ernest and convinces our loveable friend to fill in for Welman St. Claire and do the weather segment.

Ernest makes an on air gaffe so extreme and damaging to Channel Nine's image that they declare letting Ernest do the Weather as the worst mistake made in Channel Nine's entire history. The Channel 9 news team try and say nice things about him to help him keep his job but it proves to no avail as the Channel 9 big wigs promptly fire Ernest and inform him to clear out his personal possessions from the premises and leave...for good and for ever.

Ernest takes his time cleaning out his personal possessions and loading them into a beat up cardboard box... everyone says bye to him, tries to console him, and leaves ... Ernest sits alone in the dark office saying his last good bye to it .... when all of a sudden an alarm goes off on the Storm Tracker Accu-Cast weather program on the computer! It turns out a GIGANTIC STORM is approaching Missouri! Ernest springs into to action! He boots up the network and turns on the satellite to go LIVE ON THE AIR to inform everyone of the impending tornado and to activate the emergency broadcast system so all Briarville residents can find shelter and safety!

The Storm Tracker shows this storm will be historic in nature and may even destroy all of Briarville. Our Hero Ernest remembers something he learned in grade school concerning wind currents, that the center of the storm is massively hot, and decides to quell the tornado by strapping himself to a refrigerator and launching himself out of a cannon designed by Gailard Sartain and Bobby .... right into the storm to cool the center down and dissipate it (Note: The science applied to this scene makes no sense but it's just a movie).

Ernest and Gailard's plan succeed and Ernest is considered the Hero of Briarville and anointed as their Permanent Weather Man after the promotion of Welman St. Claire to co-anchor. Wow.

My Opinion: Definitely one of the better Ernest films of the era, I'd say. The action of the climax scene is surprisingly cool, the acting especially by Lyman Ward is actually top notch, and comedically both Ernest and Jackée Harrée are at their utmost finest.

The sadness scene after he is fired where he mopes around the office is touching, it is. It really is touching. I was touched. All in all one of the greatest Ernest Films of the Era, no doubt.

 



2. Slam Dunk Ernest

Starring: You know it, Ernest, Cylk Cozart, Miguel Nunez (that dude from the GREAT movie "Juwanna Mann"), and starring Basketball Royalty and Legend of Legends Mr. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Synopsis: Our man, Ernest, is a maintenance man at a local shopping mall but has the most golden of aspirations to be an NBA basketball star. He joins the mall's basketball team which plays in a local pick up league.

Sadly, Ernest is a terrible basketball player and his team mates don't really want him on the team. Yet, as luck would have it ... Our mainest of men Ernest is visited in the Night by an Angel (portrayed by Basketball Icon Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) who entrusts our good bud Ernest with an ancient relic in the form of sneakers which imbue ancient Basketball skills unto Ernest which transforms him into a Basketball Phenom and Super Star.

Ernest turns his mall team Clean Sweep into a juggernaut of basketball playing prowess thanks to the magical shoes ... but there is a catch to these shoes ... they are the devil's patch work ... they are but devil's make ... cobbled together by a demon in human skin known as Zamiel Moloch. As Ernest's skills grow thanks to the cursed shoes so does his arrogance. Ernest stops passing the ball to his teammates as he feels far superior in skill to them and feels he can win on his own without their help.

Mistrust grows further as the former star player of Clean Sweep's son renounces his father's teachings in regards to his basketball training in order to adopt Ernest's style of training which simply boils down to buying expensive looking shoes. The father played by Cylk Cozart tries to explain to his son that it takes hard work, dedication, and practice to become better at the art and science of Basketball yet his son has already gone to the dark side and is convinced basketball skills come from expensive shoes.

Clean Sweep is so good thanks to Ernest that they are invited to play the NBA team the Charlotte Hornets in an exhibition match. Ernest, however, has a crise-de-conscience as he knows he is only good due to the Sneakers and is sad that his team mates dislike him due to his insurmountable arrogance he has displayed towards them. He rids himself of the cursed shoes forged by the devilish Zamiel Moloch and resumes his status on Clean Sweep as bench warmer for the big game against the Hornets.

Will he score the big basket or be relegated to eternal human solitude for his arrogant ways? Only time will tell.

My Opinion: A very romantic film, a very simple romantic film of Basketball Good versus Basketball Evil. Film's turn out better when you keep them simple like this. The New Star Wars is a good movie because I think they went back to simple story telling instead of long-winded silly story telling.

Slam Dunk Ernest is a very straight shooting film that manages to be deeply introspective at times. Deeply basketballingly introspective ... that term sounds silly ... but it truly is deeply basketballingly introspective.




3. Kung Fu Ernest

Starring: Who Else? The Ernest, Jacklyn Wu, Norman D Golden II, and Bolo Yeung.

Synopsis: The Ernest of all things Earnest is a karate instructor at a local dojo where he teaches karate moves to young inner city kids. He dreams large though, he indeed dreams large. He has dreams of being a black belt karate champion known the world over.

Bolo. Bolo. Bolo.

Trouble and dilemma befall our hero as the state plans to cancel the inner city youth karate program and close the state funded dojo. One of the children, played by Norman D Golden the Second, refuses to let this turn of events unfold and looks for methods to stop the closure of the dojo. He finds an ad for a karate competition in the local paper and urges his sensei, The Venerable Ernest P. Worrell, who claims to be the Master of 36 Divine Karate Moves and 72 Earthly Kung Fu Moves to compete and use the prize money to operate the dojo.

Truth be told, Ernest was lying to the kids about his Mastery of the Karate and admits to being a fraud who just yells loud and does exaggerated chops but the boy won't believe it and Ernest is left with no other choice but to compete.

The tournament's stakes are high and many competitors are left injured to reigning champion Song-Wong Sung (played by the great man Bolo Yeung). Ernest is scared and claims his Auntie Nelda needs him to do some chores at home and attempts to flee the arena yet Sung calls him out and drags him to the arena to compete.

Can the Masterful Ernest win the day and defeat Song-Wong Sung or will all be lost ???

My Opinion: Top notch Ernest movie. He does well when he tries to pull off a Buffoon Badass Character which we previously saw in Ernest Scared Stupid. The Karate is surprisingly good too for a silly movie and the flips and stunts are top notch. The fighting is made to look pretty real and kids who watch this movie would genuinely find that entertaining.

All things considered, an above average Ernest film offering.



4. Hail to the Ernest

Starring: Guess Who? Ernest of course, Morton Downey Jr, Judy Tenuta, Sam MacMurray, and Gailard Sartain.

Synopsis: Ernest and his best buddy Vernon are sitting and watching television when a campaign ad comes on for Congressman Preston Best (portrayed by the Dastardly Morton Downey Jr.) who is running to be President of the United States of America. Ernest starts talking to Vernon about how silly this dufus is and makes a joke to Vern (who by the way is never shown on screen and is always off camera) that "runnin' for that president looks easy as pie, Vern" and then the camera nods up and down to simulate Vern nodding in agreement. The audience can't hear Vern's response (for unknown reasons) yet Ernest replies to the unheard response with "Really, Vern? You think so? You think your ol' buddy Ernest could be a President? No kiddin' Vern?" and again the camera goes up and down to simulate Vern saying "Yes" to Ernest's query.

Gee Vern, I sure would love to be President

Ernest amasses the necessarily signatures to apply to run for President and formally submits his application. Our good buddy Ernest quickly realizes that "runnin' for that President" is actually quite easy. He doesn't know it but it turns out a good portion of the voters are either just as smart or less smart than Ernest and he wins all of these voters over in a matter of weeks thanks to his silly behavior that is seen as relatable to by the voting public at large. For example when asked what he'd do about "illegals" coming over the boarder ... Ernest replies that he'd build a wall around the boarder ... but he really didn't even understand the question to begin with and had no idea they were asking him about people.... he thought illegals meant like rabbits or deers or some critter of that nature.

Trouble is on the horizon for our most favorite friend Ernest as Congressman Best becomes infuriated that Ernest is STEALING his low education voter core from him in this Presidential election. Preston Best goes on the offensive and starts saying even STUPIDER things than Ernest is saying in order to win the American populace back on his side. The Presidential race quickly devolves into a Stupidity Contest and Preston Best slowly inches into the lead.

Trouble doubles over for Ernest when Best invites him to his mansion and informs Ernest that if he doesn't pull out of this Stupidity Contest then his financial backer of the Krader Corporation (played by Sam MacMurray) will leave no stone unturned in order to de-rail the Ernest Train that is sweeping America.

Ernest formally announces he is pulling himself out of the race over fears instilled in him by Best and Krader Corp. and he returns home to sulk ... yet his sulking is interrupted by a knock on his door ... it is investigative reporter and talented accordion player Olga Reinheart (played by the always upbeat and likeable Judy Tenuta). Reinhart has amassed a massive file of dirt on Best and Krader company over the years and wants to present it to our greatest pal Ernest.

Ernest is renewed with vigor to fulfill his dream of bein' a President and together with Reinheart rent out a concert hall where they sing a duet (Ernest singing while Reinheart accompanies on accordion) in the tune of Yankee Doodle but the lyrics are details of crimes that Krader Corporation and Best have committed over the last decade while Best was a congressman. The public is then won over by Ernest.

Ernest is elected President of the United States of America with Olga Reinheart as Vice-President.

My Opinion: This film isn't that great, Ernest and Tenuta have good chemistry though. Downey and MacMurray are GREAT as villains but it never really gets that Ernest Oomph going that most Ernest films generate.

It's eerie to re-watch this film nowadays because back then it was a comedy to have Jim Varney and Morton Downey Jr. having a Stupidity Contest in order to crown the next President of America .... but if you watch the current real life Presidential Race in real life right now ... it's just eerie. Re-Watching Hail to the Ernest in 2016 .... it feels more like this film is a Chilling Look Into the Crystal Ball of a Possible Future of Post 90s America more so than a 1990 comedy film. There's so many similarities that I even suspect that some candidates like Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Ben Carson and others have not only seen this obscure film ... but have copied and plagiarized large chunks of it.

All in all a decent Ernest movie but eerie to Re-Watch in regards to the current political climate in which one can draw too many obvious similarities to.


Conclusion

Out of these four selections out of the tapestry of magic in which encapsulates Ernest film Lore ... I'd say Slam Dunk Ernest is the best of the four.

I think, as we've seen in the New Stars Wars movie (fuck you Kylo Ren, by the way, you're a jabroni, a huge one), that simple story telling isn't a bad way to go with story. You don't have to jazz up your shtick with too much complicated crap.... Slam Dunk Ernest is a story of good versus evil ... of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar versus Zamiel Moloch ...

When good battles evil ... which side do you believe wins in the End?