Short Retraction: Of a Statement Made in Regards to James Douglas Muir Leno

This is a retraction piece in regards to statements made in this following article:


Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross Overs (3/3/15): http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2015/03/stupidest-fake-wrestling-talk-show-host.html


Out of all individuals mentioned in that article, only two, were presented in a less than positive light. Everyone mentioned in that article was presented in a good light ... except for two people ... one was Brother Love and the other was Jay Leno.

The following retraction of negative statements in this retraction does not apply to Brother Love ... he's still uninteresting and a lame wrestling personality ... but the negative statement about Jay Leno has to be amended or even removed.

I refrained from calling Jay a "retard" in that article because I personally believed that he was legitimately mentally handicapped and due my code-of-ethics I will never call a genuinely mentally handicapped person a "retard" because it's low-handed and it's not polite.

Now, look. I wasn't just being mean for the sake of being mean to Jay Leno. I have actual (or what I thought was) decent evidence that Jay Leno was a bit slow ... but ... before we get into that ... for the record I should also state at this juncture that in all the Three Big Media Feuds that Jay Leno has been involved in over the years I've historically never sided with him.

These matters were:

1. One David Letterman versus One Jay Leno
2. One Howard Stern versus One Jay Leno
3. One Conan O'Brien versus One Jay Leno

In all three of these historic media feuds I was staunchly in the anti-Jay camp and supported his opponents in each matter as such. Now, does this mean I am simply biased towards Jay Leno? No, it doesn't. The reason I have never publicly supported Jay Leno is due to very specific reasons and has nothing to do with any sort of negative bias I may hold against Jay Leno.

In the case of Letterman versus Leno ... Jay hid under a desk during a meeting between individuals regarding matters which did not concern him and thus engaged in extremely under-handed tactics to secure his position as replacement for One Johnny Carson.

Leno and Rondstadt lure Robin into Pincer Attack

In the case of Stern versus Leno ... Jay offered an olive branch to the Stern camp by inviting One Robin Quivers onto his show as a sign of goodwill and friendship in order to smooth out relations between both camps. YET ... Jay then used this feigned trust offering as means to ambush Ms. Robin Quivers in a pincer attack in which himself and One Linda Ronstadt proceeded to verbally abuse her. Again, the methods used in this feud by Leno were underhanded and showed much cowardice.

In the case of Conan versus Leno ... Jay agreed in paper to retire at a certain point and Conan signed an agreement saying he would be the replacement when Leno retired. On the eve of the retirement and take-over ... Leno somehow negotiated a counter-deal in which he would move his show to air before Conan's yet Conan would still technically get the 11:30 Tonight Show space. Leno's new earlier show thus pushed the drama lead-ins to an earlier time slot (Law and Order et. al) ... thus ... the drama lead-ins were still Leno's ... and Conan's lead in was an aging and boring Jay Leno. Thus, Leno's retirement became more of a strategic shift that ultimately destroyed both shows ... much to Leno's delight. It was some sort of underhanded Japanese Kamikaze suicide attack used by Leno ... and it can only be described as being vindictive and underhanded.

So, yes, even though I've never sided with him in any Media Feud regarding Leno, it IS NOT because I have a bias towards the fellow. My opinions on those matters are based on what I perceive to be under-handed and cowardly tactics employed by Leno over the years.

Now, with that out of the way let's get to the main question of this article....


Jay Leno is NOT Mentally Handicapped

Again, I honestly believed that was true and he was "slow"... I didn't just say that to be mean. Why did I previously believe that Mr. Leno was possibly slightly mentally handicapped? This is why....

First of all, he inherited the Tonight Show, and we need a little history on that first. The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson took a hard line when it came to charlatons, brigands, and snake oil salesman. Carson would routinely lure unsuspecting bozo-clowns such as Uri Geller into unbreakable traps designed by One James Randi to expose these con men for the world to see....

Observe:

Uri exposed in Johnny and Randi's Deadly Trap!

Uri Geller is put into a situation where his scammy ass shitck won't fly. Unlike the trap Leno set up to stab Robin Quivers in the back ... this isn't a cowardly trap ... this is a service to humanity and Carson and James Randi should be commended for their valiant efforts and stratagems.

That was the Tonight Show's stance in regards to charlatans and scam artists... but fast forward to the Leno Era of the Tonight Show and that main tenet of the program was removed like it never happened. Spoon benders and any other "psychic" bozo-clowns were on Leno's version of the Tonight Show doing the dumbest crap without any questions asked of them ... and that's fine ... I guess ... but the Tonight Show under Carson flew with a skeptic banner for its entire history until Leno just didn't feel like carrying on that tradition.

Jay Leno went a completely "go along with the bit" route with every spoon bender and person like that who ever appeared on his show. Now did Leno go along with these bits for fun or did he really actually believe that people can bend spoons with their "minds"? I never thought he did believe this shit but ... then one time ... I heard him tell a very silly story that led me to believe that he is a very gullible and a genuinely odd fellow.

Sometime in the late 1990s ... Jay Leno told a story once to a guest on the Tonight Show, in which he claims to have ordered a package from an ad on the back of a comic book as a kid, and they sent him the wrong package. When he opened the package ... he claims a "small man" in a "suit" jumped out of the box ... looked at him .... freaked out ... and proceeded to run out of his home ... never to be seen or heard from ever again.

Now, he goes on to insist that this really did happen, that it's not a joke, or a ruse. He honestly believed this happened.

Okay, this was the exact moment that I became convinced that Jay was slightly mentally handicapped. I can believe a guy who tells a story like this could really be dumb enough to believe that a guy can bend spoons with his mind and other gullible ass shit.

He said a "Small Man" (which using his hands he claims to have been maybe 1 foot tall or less) ... totally 100% alive and not a toy ... was sent to his house through the mail ... and then once freed from the box ... this 1 foot tall "small man" freaked out and ran outside never to be seen from again.

Yeah........... Okay, there....... Leno. Yeah right.

You're a moron. Or are you?

Interesting Information Comes to Light

When I heard Jay make that claim ... and defend it like it really happened ... I honestly thought the guy was fucking crazy. The first thing I thought of when he described it as a small man was that bit on Sesame Street. I was picturing that darned Teeny Little Super Guy running out of Jay Leno's childhood home when I heard him refer to it as a "small man."

I thought it was the Teeny Little Super Guy or some shit...

Obviously this never happened, right? Yet new evidence which may exonerate Jay in this matter has come to the forefront....

I was listening on Monday of February the 8th to the wonderful and delightful radio program called "The Gilbert Gottfried Amazing Colossal Podcast" hosted by One Gilbert Gottfried and side-windered by One Frank Santopadre. They had on a guest, One Joe Dante, brilliant director of great films such as Gremlins 1 and Gremlins 2 (great movies, great movies) and founder of the website "Trailers from Hell." 

Gilbert, Frank, and Joe were discussing old movies and campy sixties and seventies culture and Gilbert brought up the topic that in the back of comic books in that era there was an ad to literally purchase MONKEYS via mail order. Joe Dante thought Gilbert was talking about the gimmicky specks known as "sea monkeys" BUT NO.... Gilbert said there were ads to buy real live monkeys via the mail. I looked into this and...

....YES! Fools were selling live small "squirrel monkeys" via the mail in that era! What the fuck!? First of all ... that's inhumane and disgusting. Gilbert said that most of the monkeys came dead on arrival to the home or on the verge of death as they were unable to survive whatever these cruel assholes packaged the poor creatures in.

The ads were the following:

 

Whaaaaaat?

No! Stupid! You don't send Monkeys through the MAIL! 

They put clothes on it!? It's looks like a "Small Man" !

No! What is wrong with people!? Don't send monkeys through the mail system!

So, as it would seem ... the backs of comic books in the era in which One James Douglas Muir Leno was a child ... were INDEED selling what could be described as "small men" through the mail ... which is obviously animal cruelty and very stupid and wrong ... but ... it 100% occurred.

Describing it as a "Little Man" really threw me off. I thought, like Joe Dante thought Gilbert was talking about, that Leno sent away for those stupid little bacteria specks known as "Sea Monkeys" and when Leno claimed he received a "small man" in the mail I thought he was full of shit ...

.... but it turns out he wasn't. Wow. His description of a Small Man coming out of a package actually makes sense after this new evidence has been brought to light.

Final Retraction and Conclusion

Since this dumb blog has morphed into basically a "Compendium of My Dumb Opinions on Things" as opposed to "Writings on Subjects" ... I must retract the statement I made a while back that Jay Leno is retarded.

Jay Leno is an under-handed fellow in regards to Media Feuds he engages himself  in ... yet ... with new evidence supporting his claims that he was sent a "Small Man" via mail order to his abode ... I officially and with great remorse retract my statements in regards to Jay Leno being a big retard because it turns out he actually isn't.

Some time this month I'm gonna write about the current Late Night Wars between Colbert and Fallon ... and I will let you know ... I honestly believe that it is in the utmost and urgent importance that Colbert surpass Fallon in the ratings. Jimmy Fallon hosting a Day-Time talk show (which is lamer than the one Ellen Degeneres does) in the 11:30 Tonight Show slot is an affront to the history of Late Night television. Stephen Colbert must win this modern Late Night War ... it's not even a joke ... it's not even funny anymore. 

Fallon is one of the most affronterous fellows I've ever seen on Tee Vee. A brazen fellow if I've ever seen one. What is his end-game? Who knows but what this man is up to is simply not correct. Simply not correct.

With this revelation that Leno is slightly less bad than previously thought ... Fallon has fallen to the bottom rung of historic hosts of the Tonight Show.  

Official Historic Tonight Show hosts Power Ranking:

1. Carson

2. Allen

3. Conan *

4. Parr

5. Leno

6. Fallon

*Conan didn't get enough time to shine in the slot, only 1.5 years, due to the underhanded kamikaze-style actions of Leno which dropped him down in the rankings. 

 

Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross-Overs

A lot of people use "stupid" as a pejorative insult and in many cases it is....but in the field of Entertainment, "stupid", isn't a bad thing at all and in many cases is a compliment.

Would things like Strange Brew, Beavis and Butthead, or something like that be enjoyable if it wasn't about the antics of stupid people? Would I sit and watch an episode of Beavis and Butthead if it was about two brain surgeons discussing brain surgery techniques? Of course not, I watch that to see two insipidly stupid dudes fucking up and hurting themselves. Stupid rules.

One of the most stupid forms of entertainment over the years has without a doubt been Fake Wrestling, again this isn't an insult, Fake Wrestling is the good kind of stupid. I mean where else can you see as much drama-laden, over the top, stupidity as you do on Fake Wrestling? Very few places offer the same amount and same kind of stupidness that is offered to you in gallons with Fake Wrestling.

????

How stupid is this shit? I've seen a guy light a fire cracker no where near his opponent...yet something about the flash caused his opponent to be bedazzled and swoon. I've seen shit on this shit that's so dumb that I often just stop and wonder what the fuck I'm looking at. Basically, what I'm sayin' is, Fake Wrestling is so stupid that's it's veritably surreal.

I'd describe Fake Wrestling as Stupid Performance Art as opposed to any other way to describe it and, again, that's not an insult....there's times where the art is so stupid that it's very very cool and very fun to observe.

Often at times, people from the Real World will cross-over into this Land of Stupidity...we all remember Mr. T (star of TV's The A-Team) showing up at Wrestle Mania One, we remember the great Liberace popping into this world as a "Celebrity Time Keeper",  many recall Mike Tyson teaming up with DX a few years ago to fuck someone up, or when Beetlejuice showed up to get smashed with a guitar, and recently the legendary Pee Wee Herman stopped by to hang out in this strange land.

But...Mr .T, Liberace, Mike Tyson, Beet, and Pee Wee are people you'd expect to pop into the World of Fake Wrestling to perform some Stupid Performance Art from time to time....these are guys who genuinely fit into that world and don't seem out of place at all whilst immersed into it.

As the title of this article suggests, there's been times where a breed of human known as Talk Show Hosts have ventured into this land to engage in SPA (stupid performance art) as well.

We shall be looking into five instances where the Realm of Talk Shows and the Realm of Fake Wrestling intersected and ran congruently for a set interval of time.

Entries shall be ranked on a scale of 10 (ten being Super Stupid and zero being Retarded).

Jon Stewart (intersecting with) Seth Rollins

Recently a feud was birthed out of the fiery taunts directed by one Seth Rollins towards one Jon Stewart. Rollins would taunt Stewart from his camp on WWE's Monday Night Raw whilst Stewart would retort said taunts from at his home base at the The Daily Show.

It didn't take long for his war of words from their base-camps to escalate into an all-out face-to-face beef between the two as a few days after the initial taunts Rollins totally showed up on the Daily Show to put Stewart in a head-lock.

It seems the beef reached its boiling point yesterday,

 

Shots were fired off left and right yet as you could plainly see when the time came for fisticuffs to erupt...Stewart kicked that dude in the dick and skadadledaddled himself to safety.

Now, people might see that as cowardice, but look, I've read Sun Tzu's Art of War and am versed in all 36 divine stratagaems of combat. Do you know out of all of the 36 divine stratagaems of combat which one Sun Tzu himself referred to as the most divine of the divine tactics? Skedaddlin' that's which one.

If shit is getting hot, man, just poke a dude in a eyes, or kick a dude's nuts, and Skee-Fucking-Daddle....that's honestly the best advice anyone can ever give someone. If you're ever in doubt about the outcome of a fight, do like Stewart, and SKEE DEEEDLY DADDLE out of the mother fucker post-haste.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 7/10

Drama Stupidity: 9/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10

OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10



Jerry Lawler + Andy Kaufman (intersecting with) David Letterman

Memphis Wrestling was some real old school shit that existed before Fake Wrestling was monopolized and if you watch all these Memphis Fake Wrestlings on the youtube you'll probably be pretty entertained by this stupid shit. The premise of the show was mainly "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager versus other "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager. Jimmy Hart rose to prominence in Memphis Wrestling as the head of a stable as did many other managers. You don't really see managers too much anymore but they were good because unlike most of the talent....these manager characters could act.

Memphis used to get famous people to stop by and chill, for example here's that Batman Adam West showing up (for no reason):

I don't really know what's going on here. Either Adam is jet-lagged, drunk, or really not happy to be there and is really trying to act odd to make them regret flying him out there. I love shit like this. Adam West, in my opinion, is THE ONLY BATMAN, no other people who played Batman can even come close to what West did with the Batman character.

Another guy Memphis got to stop by and chill was Andy Kaufman....but Kaufman was a little more enthusiastic about being there than West was. Kaufman made a whole shtick out of his appearances on this show and really pulled out all the stops to create some legendary Stupid Performance Art. He developed a feud with Jerry Lawler (Lawler is seen in the clip above speaking with Batman).

The feud between Kaufman and Lawler hit its fever pitch (as many know thanks to the Kaufman hollywood bio-pic) on the set of David Letterman's Late Night program:

The King slapped that mother fucker right in his fucking face. Back in the day most of the people watching this wondered if this was a shtick or not....both guys are good actors and played the SPA really well...no matter what venue they showed up in these guys sold their shit, man.

This was done so well it is barely even stupid...it's like a level of believability that almost makes you forget they were doin' a Fake Wrestling. The actual wrestling matches on Memphis between Lawler and Kaufman were pretty stupid though...mainly involving a whole buncha skedaddlin', turtling, wigglin', and all-around silliness.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 10/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 9/10


Hulk Hogan n' Mr. T (intersecting with Richard Belzer)

Poor, poor, Richard Belzer. The Belz had the Hulkster and My Favorite Person Ever Mr. T on his program for them to promote Wrassle Mania One and all kinds of hijynx broke loose....

Basically, Belzer asked Hogan to practice some holds on him and Hogan proceeded to choke out Belzer and when the Belz hit the floor after passing out...he cracked his coconut open, observe...

Hold the phone though, THIS WAS NOT A SHTICK, Belzer cracked his head open and then successfully sued Hogan for a coupla million bux. Fuck, yo.

I don't know how to rate this one since it wasn't a shtick at all and that poor man got his skull split open...so, I'm just gonna give it a run of threes and move on.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 3/10

Drama Stupidity: 3/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 3/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 3/10


Rowdy Roddy Piper (intersecting with) Morton Downey Jr.

This bit featured the in-ring talk show Rowdy Roddy used to host during live Fake Wrestlings. I don't really know why they do these bits, it's like, they want to take a break from the fake wrestling to set up new feuds...I guess that's the reason for the in-ring talk shows.

Piper invited a man with his face painted red known as Brother Love and the late great Mort Downey Junior to join him at Wrestle Mania V for a nice a little chat. I guess you'd call this an insult competition or something. I used to do these at school but we called them "Shafting Competitions" back when the word "shafting" was briefly popular in the early 90s.

Piper proceeds to verbally abuse Brother Love until he skeddadles out of the ring and home to his mommy...and then Piper turns his verbal fury unto Downey.....yet is shocked when his verbal abuse is ineffective against him.

Fuck man, Morton Downey Jr. is unverbally-abusable...he eats insults for breakfast and shafts for lunch. Verbal abuse is like bread n' butter to Morton Downey, he loves that shit. This fucking guy has the nerve to breathe smoke directly into Piper's fucking face, holy shit, right in his fucking face! Even after Piper politely asked Downey to stop blowing smoke into his face the guy just keeps on blowing smoke RIGHT IN his FUCKING FACE. Can you believe it?

Right in the guy's fuckin' face.....

Here watch it here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1vxekc_piper-s-pit-wwf-wrestlemania-5_sport

As you can see in the link, Piper gets the last laugh (well it was his in-ring talk show after all, they were on his turf), as he unloads the contents of a fire extinguisher directly into the face of Morton Downey Jr, Wow.

This bit would have been better without that fucking tomato faced jackass "Brother Love" in the pit....that asshole can't act for shit. Piper and Downey did some good SPA here though, they did some good shit with this pit bit.

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 6/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 10/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10


Hogan et al. (intersectin' with) Jay Leno

I didn't really get this one at all. Unlike the trash talking fun ones like with Downey n' Kaufman n' others...Leno played a super baby-face character that kind of came off as like....I dunno how to describe it...he looked like a kid from those "make a wish foundation" type charities who got his wish to be a wrestler with Hulk Hogan. It just looked weird...like a big child is what he looked like.

Video here: http://www.wwe.com/videos/jay-leno-diamond-dallas-page-vs-hulk-hogan-eric-bischoff-road-wild-1998-26009542

He plays it like he's one of the gang, like some little kid who the wrestlers let throw them around because it's the child's make-a-wish wish. It's just strange looking...but it's not really stupid though.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to use the word "stupid" in this situation because I think Jay Leno really is slightly mentally handicapped in real life and therefore you're not allowed to say that in that situation.

You see, the rules with calling someone stupid or 'tarded is this...you can call anyone you want stupid or retarded from a president to a pauper as long as they are NOT legitimately mentally handicapped. In the case where someone is genuinely certifiably mentally disabled then you cannot refer to them as being stupid or as a retard...you have to give the mentally challenged people a lot of leeway and be positive when you talk about them.

I honestly believe that Jay Leno is borderline mentally handicapped...I mean from his "comedy" to his odd looking pudgy face. When you watch him in this fake wrestling you really see a child who's living his wrestling dreams and he looks like a big fat mentally disabled child.

So in that case, since I'm not allowed to call him stupid due to leeway reasons I have to shoot zeroes down the line on this bit. I don't want to call a borderline mentally disabled man "stupid" because it's not correct in this day and age. Therefore, Jay gets a very "special" rating of all zeroes.

General Silliness: 0/10

Drama Stupidity: 0/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 0/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 0/10


Assessment

From most stupid to least stupid. Some entries are being omitted in the final tally...Belzer gets removed because it was not a mutually agreed upon shtick and therefore wasn't exactly Stupid Performance Art and Jay Leno gets removed from the assessment because his was more of a "very special boy" living his wrestling dreams and wasn't really SPA either:

WINNER: Kaufman/Lawler on Letterman

Runners-Up: Jon Stewart/Seth Rollins and Morton Downey Jr./Rowdy Roddy Piper

 
Kaufman and Lawler on Letterman wins...that shtick is pretty tight. They sold it to the point where the average viewer who wasn't familiar with Memphis Wrestling probably had no idea it was a shtick and was like "holy shit" while watching that bit. Those two assholes can sell bits and Letterman acted as a good mediator that kept the shit brewin' up good.