Gilbert Gottfried

This year has seen many of our favorite comedians pass away. Norm, Bob, Louie, and now Gilbert.

The format of the last "Steve Martin" article from last month is still in my mind for writing. I think I'll think of some of the best Gilbert moments, today.

I have been a big fan of his for so long. I saw him preform live at Just For Laughs festival once and the audience gave him a standing ovation and he was bowing... it is a memory in my mind that is very crystal clear for me.

I remember writing when Norm MacDonald passed away that I had searched my blog and noticed I mentioned Norm in something like fifteen or twenty articles on here. I bet if I search this blog for how many times I've mentioned Gilbert it would be in that range as well.

He's mentioned on here in about seven or eight articles over the years. One article was praising his podcast which I listened to every week. I have enamel pins and an official membership card that I sent away for.

The Amazing Colossal Podcast with co-host Frank Santopadre was dubbed by them as sort of being a "before they go" interview with beloved celebrities of the past. It's interesting because a lot of celebrities of that nature aren't going to a talk show to promote anything... because they don't have anything to promote any more... so they will just talk about their life in show business in a very honest and fun way. There was one where Sonny Fox told war stories and it was just so interesting. It really is a historical landmark this podcast... it has so much information about show business from so many beloved personalities from so many different eras.

There are certain re-occurring stories Gilbert would tell all the celebrities guests that's become a long-running inside joke. As soon as he'd even mention Cesar Romero or Joe E. Ross... you'd start to laugh because you knew what was coming next.... thinking to yourself... "Oh no! Is he really gonna tell this crazy orange wedge thing to Adam West!?"

Gilbert was in show business for almost fifty years, I think. He always claimed he first preformed standup at fifteen years old in 1970. There's so much stuff to consider to even begin listing Gilbert Gottfried moments.

I mean, most people really know him from the cartoons. He had an "iconic" voice that is truly unique and would pop up in gigantically popular cartoons like Disney movies and things of that nature... but to me... I really know him as a trouble maker who like many truly funny people was like a walking nuclear bomb just waiting to go off ... and you just never really knew what he was going to do or where he was going to go.

He had a "green light" in the golden years of the Howard Stern show to walk into the studio and hang out whenever he wanted. He almost feels like a cast member of Golden Era Stern. He was so funny ... one time they called Jerry Seinfeld's answering machine and left an hour-long message with Gilbert pretending to be Jerry's son Jerry Seinfeld Jr. and doing an impression of Seinfeld the entire time. Gilbert's Seinfeld impression is amazing!

Speaking of "cast member" he was a cast member on Saturday Night Live... and whenever he spoke about this in his book or on his show... he was sure to make it clear that he didn't enjoy being a cast member on SNL.

He was in many movies. My memorable ones of his were the Beverly Hills Cop movie where he's not even in it very long but manages to be one of the most memorable scenes of the film. He was in the Problem Child films which are cult classics to many people (mostly the first one). He would often bring up on his podcast some of his lesser works that he's tongue-in-cheekingly "proud" of such as some of the later Rodney Dangerfield films, the Bobcat vehicle "Hot to Trot", and of course the forgotten Matthew Modine classic... Funky Monkey.

People know him for the Aristocrats thing, also dubbed the "Too Soon" fiasco... but I was already familiar with the Walking Nuclear Comedy Bomb (you didn't know when will just go off) this man was before that so it didn't surprise me as much as it did others. The "Tsunami Fiasco" was much more memorable for me because he just one day woke up and decided to write some jokes on Twitter and it just about almost ruined his entire life.

When he talks about that fiasco in his book or in his podcast he describes it as he would wake up every day and eat corn flakes... and one morning he looked at the corn flakes after the fiasco broke out... and just realized he wasn't famous anymore in a blink of an eye. It was all taken away in an instant. Fame is very fleeting. It is a very fleeting thing, fame is.

He was the first celebrity that ever interacted with a post of mine on social media... and this was like back in like 2011 when you never really thought celebrities would even use social media. Back then, I thought, celebrities lived in some far-off plane of existence outside of reality in some golden palace somewhere... now a days... we have come to accept that celebrities are obsessed with social media and how they are perceived in the public... but back then like a decade ago... it was still believed by common folk that celebrities were larger-than-life and not part of real life. I remember writing encouraging words on his page during his Tsunami fiasco and he "liked" it. It was so cool.

I saw his documentary and what I remember most from it was that he was sort of a Nomad... like a comedy nomad. He'd go around North America, do some clubs, stay in hotels, and then amass this vast collection of soaps and shampoos from hotels n' motels across this great land. I think people thought he did this because he was cheap and wanted free stuff... but... to me... it was a collection.... he went on so many journeys and had mementos from all of his travels and it is actually a pretty cool collection.

Traveling all over doing stand up for fifty years. To say this guy honed his act is an understatement ... he started at 15 and did it for 50 years! He was a stand up comedy Master.

I still remember spitting coffee on my keyboard while listening to him and Mario Cantone do When Harry met Sally as Herve Villechaize and Carol Channing. Now, if I re-listen to it, my mind is ready for it... but the first time I heard it... I wasn't... and I spit coffee all over my keyboard. It was just a barrage that I could not handle! It was so friggin' funny.

Another thing was that he would never try and be hip or placate to fans. Now a days an agent will tell their 50+ aged clients what they have to talk about to win over a certain demographic... but he didn't care about stuff like that at all....he did what he wanted to do and what he thought was funny .... like impressions of Old Groucho on The Dick Cavett Show .... talking about how Nunnally Johnson liked to smoke cigars and how, back then, people liked to put cream in their coffee.

He was a completely unique individual in our society that cannot be replaced.

I bet you anything, he's in Comedy Heaven now, and the God of Comedy is welcoming him into this spectacular comedy club with a nice hotel right next to it (so he doesn't have to pay for a cab from the club to the hotel) that has a beautiful array of free soaps and free shampoos in little tiny free bottles and the God of Comedy wonders if he has any questions....

....and he says....

"Yeah, just one........

..............Ben Gazzara is such a great actor.... why didn't he ever get a TV series?"

Goodbye, Legend.

Podcasts that I Like.....

Last one was about Twitter, it's a fun medium, you know, but there's other mediums too. Today let's talk about Podcasts that I like.

I briefly had an amateurish podcast a long time ago before they really took off. It was on a site called U-Stream or something and myself and my wonderful compadre Ol' Kurtis would phone up people that we knew. This is probably like 2008 or 2009 or something like that. It was fun. I liked it. Podcasts are pretty cool.

The genre has really gotten big. Some podcasts have almost like 10+ million listeners. I don't listen to the main big ones though. There's endless podcasts now and there's something for everyone out there and I've found my Somethings for Me out there in this vast wasteland we call the Internet.

Honestly, even though there's like 10 million podcasts going these days I only regularly listen to Three right now ... so it makes for a nice article template because I usually break loose into triple-truncated segmentation anyways in these essays.

So let me tell you the Three Podcasts that I listen to and then we will write about them... okay?

1. The Harland Highway with Harland Williams
2. Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast
3. The Purple Stuff Podcast

Those are the three I listen to. I like them. So let's write about them!


The Harland Highway
To listen: https://www.harlandwilliams.com/podcast

I've always been a big fan of Harland. As a Canadian we always kind of extra-dig our brethren/sistren because it makes us feel like we can make it too. I'd see like Harland or Norm MacDonald or the Kids in the Hall ... and as a teenager ... I'd always be like ... Wow, they're famous and they come from where I come from!

I had a VHS tape of Harland Williams doing Stand Up and I used to try and emulate it. He would say whacky stuff like "Everybody sing to Billeeeeee!" and then do a bunch of crazy things on stage. He gets all weird and dark too. I'd go to high school the next day and act like him.

His podcast is a One-Man show, basically. It's him interviewing a cast of whacky characters, all of which are portrayed by him. Yes, he talks to himself.

There's a social taboo about talking to yourself, I've noticed, but I don't think it's all that important or needs to be heeded. All creative and imaginative people do that. They do. Do they, really? Yes, they really do talk to themselves. I do it in this blog pretty much all the time. Half of the content on this blog is just some bum talking to himself if you haven't noticed.

I threw out the taboo of talking to oneself early on in life, I didn't feel any need to heed that social construct. I first realized creative people do it with Beavis and Butthead. I remember as a kid when I first learned that both characters are voiced by the same person (Mike Judge) .. I recall thinking something along the lines of "Wow, when you look behind the curtain... Beavis and Butthead are just like this guy talking to himself in some booth!"

I talk to myself in this blog almost all the time. I'll ask a question out loud to lead off a paragraph and then think about it out loud (in writing) ... and then finally answer my own question. Another Talking-To-Yourself thing that I think influenced it too was Final Fantasy VII, in which the lead character will talk to himself in a bizarre way. Although the Japanese writers probably thought those scenes were highly intellectual stuff ... I saw those as more humorous than anything.

Hey, sometimes you just can't Stop Talkin' ... you know?

So, if talking to yourself is weird ... it surely 'aint gonna be me to cast the first stone on somebody because I talk to myself like a wild bat.

With Harland's cast of characters he invents to converse with when mixed with his comedic prowess ... there's some interesting exchanges that happen along the Highway. He has his foul mouthed Aunt Ruthy from Up State New York who calls in to tell her nephew what filthy situation his uncle has gotten himself into of late. He has hyper active youthful characters like Cinnamon Boy (a kid who really likes cinnamon), heavily drunken British pop stars, the over-zealous corporal major Tom Dowdy, the intellectually-refined yet morbid Dr. Ascot, his antagonizing boss who is convinced without a shadow-of-doubt that Harland frequents gay bars, all the way down to a poor soul just lookin' for a good ol' barbaque who calls strangers on the phone to ask if he can swing-on by to slap some ribs around.

I think these characters are highly entertaining and fun. There's a lot more too... that's just like half of them. There's almost One Thousand episodes of the Highway so there's been a lot of insane callers his producer Roger has let on the air waves over the years.

He says when he hits the good round number of 1,000 the show will end. I think it was an under-rated podcast. I mean compared to the millions of others ones out there, which let's call them what they are, they are cookie-cutter garble... I think this one really stood out. I think the format was interesting.

I can see that it's not for everyone this podcast... especially in a podcast world where the common-most gimmicks are Vocal Fry, Young People Talking about Young People Stuff, and Pseudo-Intellectual Clap-Trap ... I can understand that this podcast didn't soar to millions of listeners.

The Highway is right up my alley though. I can listen to a guy like Harland interview himself as a crazy person, get annoyed with said crazy person after they fly off the handle and say absurd filthy things, and then kick them out of the studio. It's something I can listen to multiple episodes in a row, even.

The vocal-fry, young people, pseudo-intellectual clap trap ones, on the other hand, I can't handle those. I've wrote before that I'm not on the Ira Glass bandwagon and never have been. Those "This American Lifes" and the thousands of podcast wannabe versions of it are difficult to sit through. I mean those clap-trap spewing vocal fryers don't even talk half the time ... they just breathe into the microphone like sweaty weirdoes.

You guys ever read that article in the Post that said Ira Glass lives in a bug-infested cesspool?  I believe it. I really do. I can picture that guy doing his podcasts in a rat-ridden sheisshole. I can see it. I can picture it. Him breathing into the microphone, with his sweaty lips like one millimeter away from it, with no spit-guard, rats chewing on his wires, and bugs crawling all over him.

I'm just joking. I don't really think Ira does his podcast whilst covered in rats and bugs. I'm just joking. He's a good guy. I always just found that Post article to be funny. He seems like a nice guy who doesn't live in a rat-infested apartment. It's a good show.

There's hundreds of these now. Hundreds of the fry/young/pseudo-intelectual-clap-trap ones. They really think this is groundbreaking fresh stuff and that they are re-inventing the wheel with these. They say it all the time that they are re-inventing radio. How is breathing weird and saying "um" all the time re-inventing anything?

Do they think they are legendary broadcasters or something? Sorry Fryers but there's no Howard Sterns in your bunch ... there's no Jean Shepherds in your pool ... maybe there's a coupla Cousin Brucies and maybe a Barry Farber or two at best.

Some of the big mainstream podcasts have a couple million listeners and think they are the biggest thing in radio history. Howard Stern hit 20 million at his peak! Twenty million! Yeah he was on legitimate radio, not in the podcast category I guess ... but even in podcasts (i.e. loose-knit amateur broadcasting) ... a few million isn't even that many listeners.

You know who was the biggest podcaster of all time? The biggest amateur broadcaster? You'll never guess. You'll never guess who had the most listeners for an amateur radio broadcast. It was way back in the 1930s. Yes, it was. Back in the 1930s, (this is a wildy off topic story comin up here...),  in some small town in the deep US south, the town opened a big shopping-mall or grocery chain, and this one guy in that town was so mad about this grocery chain opening down there .... that he pooled up all his money and bought radio equipment to broadcast to the town to let 'em all know that he HATED this grocery store chain and didn't want them in the town! He didn't know anything about radio and rented a little shack, and bought all the equipment some guy at a radio store told him he needed .... and he bought things that he really didn't need ... really didn't need, this guy ... this guy had a signal so large it not only covered that little town he wanted to broadcast to but the entire continental United States of America received it loud and clear! Now, wait, that's not why he was the most listened to amateur of all time ... the reason was moreso that his way of expressing his hatred for this grocery store chain involved endless obscenities! ENDLESS OBSCENITIES! He didn't know you couldn't do that, he didn't even know anyone outside the small town could even hear the broadcast. Every radio in the United States when this guy would come on would tune in to listen to him endlessly swear in a southern accent about some dopey grocery store...

...and that my friends is STILL the most listened to podcast of all time.

Wow, we're getting way off track here in this section..... am I ramblin'? Sorry. This wasn't supposed to be about the mainstream podcasts of the age.

Anyways though, man, I'll take a funny dude talking to himself any day of the week over the mainstream podcasts is what I'm trying to say. If given the choice between the cookie-cutter mainstream ones or to take a ride with Big-H down the Harland Highway ... I'll always go with the Highway....



Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast 
To Listen: https://www.gilbertpodcast.com/

This is the greatest podcast, it is very funny and it is educational. The famous types who have been on this podcast are numerous and Colossally Amazing. I find it to be a wealth of information about the past in regards to the entertainment world. I've probably heard 95% of the interviews over the last few years and they just passed 250 episodes so that's quite a lot of history there. This show is Talmudic is what it is. It's a Talmud of datum in regards to entertainment history.

I love this show, it's the best. I actually think I learn stuff when I listen to this show. It's got it all! I laugh, I cry, I learn, it's a buffet of all kinds of things is what it is! I feel like I am at a buffet when I listen to this show! With the laughing! Oh and the crying! Oh and with the learning! It has everything you want in a show! What even else can you ask for!? You can't ask for anything else ... what more could you want? It has it all! What with the history? What with the laughing? What with the crying? It's all there. It's all there. You want impressions? You want dueling impressions? You want singing? Oh with the singing! All the time singing! Singing! Singing! Singing! Always with the singing! You want the singing!? You want all the singing!? Well, you got it! YOU GOT IT!!!! It's great. It really is.

I was saying above in the previous section that young people really think they invented everything and they are groundbreaking this and groundbreaking that. I don't know though, the old generation had a lot of talented people and just because this current generation doesn't know they exist doesn't mean they can pretend that they didn't. This show has people who were famous in the 40's on it, even. They had Orson Bean on this show! What more could you ask for? You can't ask for anything more, you really can't. You can't. I think young people should listen to this show ... I think it is good to remember old entertainers and their contributions.

This show has had every actor almost from the 1968 Batman on it ... and Gilbert told all of them his beautiful and touching Cesar Romero anecdote. The story is so sweet and wonderful ... hearing the Batman cast individually fondly remember their sweet friend, Latin Lover Cesar Romero, is deeply moving. I was moved each time.

Another fun reoccurring anecdote is the Joe E. Ross anecdote which is always a guest pleaser. It is another deeply, powerfully, moving, and sentimental anecdote.

This is a podcast's podcast. It truly is.


The Purple Stuff Podcast
To Listen: https://purplestuff.podbean.com/

This show is for a niche market, but, I'm really in that niche. If you were born between the following years: (1978 to 1988) then this show is for you. It is a Secret Clubhouse for eighties kids.

It's these two guys from New Jersey who talk about stuff eighties kids used to faint over. It's nostalgia city! I used to not really get nostalgia so much until I saw how powerful nostalgia aimed at my specific demographic hit me. It hit me hard!

I used to watch those shows, nostalgia shows, like Antiques Roadshow or Canadian Antiques Roadshow and not get it because those objects were not nostolgic to me. Like, some guy would bring in some rock from the War From 1812 or some fork from the Civil War Armory Barracks ... and I wouldn't get it because I don't have any mental connections to gimmicks, chachkies, or macguffins from the 1800s.

They have shows like American Pickers or Canadian Garbage Hunters on TV too, where these hobos or what-have-you will search for "antiques" from like the 60s ... and that's when I realized ... as the chachkies started to hit closer to home ... closer to my wheel house ... that nostalgia can hit home big time. I just need a Antiques Road Show or a Canadian Garbage Chasers show that is aimed at chachkies and culture from the 80s! AND PURPLE STUFF IS THAT SHOW!

Everything they talk about on this show brings back a FLOOD of brain voodoo in my brain. Like, they could be talking about some commercial that aired back in 1992 and I will remember what I was eating, what my mom was wearing, and what we were doing at school the next day just from THINKING about this silly commercial or whatever it is. That's nostalgia, dude. It's a gateway into the past for your brain. It is great.

The reason I know about this podcast which is more obscure than the Gilbert and Harland ones above, is that I used to read one of these guys websites back in the Olden Days Internet. In the old internet times, many many years ago, back when the internet was a really goofy place, way before anyone did their taxes on the internet, there was a site called X Entertainment and it was great. Back before Youtube existed (where you can see anything from any time) ... this was the only place you could read articles about the 1989 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and then look at really choppy VHS-transferred clips of the cool parts. This site was really good. Not just the grainy clips but the writing was good.

There was an article on that site about how he wanted to find Hi-C Ecto Cooler that had been out of circulation for many years... and it was such a great article. If you can take a topic like Hi-C Ecto Cooler and turn it into a edge-of-your-seat thrill ride ... you know you're a good writer.

I remember when they made the Ghostbuster Reboot in 2016 that on Twitter "Hi-C Ecto Cooler" was trending for a few days ... and I remember the first thing that came to my head was ... "Finally, that guy from X Entertainment is gonna find his Ecto Cooler ... Thank Goodness!" ... and I googled to see if that site still existed and found that it was now called Dinosaur Dracula and that he had a podcast.

I hear Hollywood is making another Ghostbusters Reboot (again) ... they are trying to re-find that 80s magic again. Ghostbusters is Ghostbusters ... okay? It exists and always will (as will Ghostbusters II) ... but you can't re-create 80s magic. Believe me, I'm a eighties kid, and I am telling you the Magic is in a Magical place that you can no longer re-create. The 1980s was a differenter and more magicaler time that will always be with us but can never truly be 100% re-enacted. That, in essence, is the magic of 80s Magic!

If I was the studios, what I would do, instead of trying to recreate the unrecreatable magic of Ghostbusters ... is to make a movie about how the Search for 80s Nostalgia is a wonderful and bittersweet journey in its own right. Instead of making a New Ghostbusters II ... I'd make a movie called "Searching for Ecto Cooler."

It would be a film based off of Dinosaur Dracula's honorable life-long search for Ecto Cooler ... and it would not be played goofy ... it would be done 100% seriously with someone like Sean Penn playing the role of the Man in Search of Ecto Cooler. A very Human Comedy about the bittersweet emotions related to nostalgia. THAT'S how you re-capture 80s Magic ... you make a movie about trying to re-capture 80s Magic ... not by rebooting classics and hoping they come out 1/3 as good as the original.

If done correctly I think Searching For Ecto Cooler could win an Oscar. I do.


Conclusion

Let's give out an Award now. Just for fun. What's a good broadcast-related award? An effigagy? An effigy? A F-Emmy? No.

I know, let's give a Brass Figlagee (with bronze oak-leaf cluster (or palm)) to one of these three worthy broadcasts.

All three are deserving of the Figlageeeeee, geeeee whiz n' willackers, this is a hard one.

Let's give it to Harland Williams ... 1,000 shows is a lot of shows ... and if 1,000 is going to be his final show ... after 10 years of taking us down the Harland Highway ... then he deserves it.

So congratulations to Harland Williams on 10+ years of broadcasting podcasts and let us adorn him with this figurative Brass Figlagee!



If you listen to any of these shows from reading this, you can support them all in some manner, they all have premium content versions of the show. I think they are all great shows and you should listen to them!


(Edit: I don't think "Vocal Fry" is the right term I was going for. I think the broader term of "NPR Voice" is more applicable to what I was refering to. )

Short Retraction: Of a Statement Made in Regards to James Douglas Muir Leno

This is a retraction piece in regards to statements made in this following article:


Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross Overs (3/3/15): http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2015/03/stupidest-fake-wrestling-talk-show-host.html


Out of all individuals mentioned in that article, only two, were presented in a less than positive light. Everyone mentioned in that article was presented in a good light ... except for two people ... one was Brother Love and the other was Jay Leno.

The following retraction of negative statements in this retraction does not apply to Brother Love ... he's still uninteresting and a lame wrestling personality ... but the negative statement about Jay Leno has to be amended or even removed.

I refrained from calling Jay a "retard" in that article because I personally believed that he was legitimately mentally handicapped and due my code-of-ethics I will never call a genuinely mentally handicapped person a "retard" because it's low-handed and it's not polite.

Now, look. I wasn't just being mean for the sake of being mean to Jay Leno. I have actual (or what I thought was) decent evidence that Jay Leno was a bit slow ... but ... before we get into that ... for the record I should also state at this juncture that in all the Three Big Media Feuds that Jay Leno has been involved in over the years I've historically never sided with him.

These matters were:

1. One David Letterman versus One Jay Leno
2. One Howard Stern versus One Jay Leno
3. One Conan O'Brien versus One Jay Leno

In all three of these historic media feuds I was staunchly in the anti-Jay camp and supported his opponents in each matter as such. Now, does this mean I am simply biased towards Jay Leno? No, it doesn't. The reason I have never publicly supported Jay Leno is due to very specific reasons and has nothing to do with any sort of negative bias I may hold against Jay Leno.

In the case of Letterman versus Leno ... Jay hid under a desk during a meeting between individuals regarding matters which did not concern him and thus engaged in extremely under-handed tactics to secure his position as replacement for One Johnny Carson.

Leno and Rondstadt lure Robin into Pincer Attack

In the case of Stern versus Leno ... Jay offered an olive branch to the Stern camp by inviting One Robin Quivers onto his show as a sign of goodwill and friendship in order to smooth out relations between both camps. YET ... Jay then used this feigned trust offering as means to ambush Ms. Robin Quivers in a pincer attack in which himself and One Linda Ronstadt proceeded to verbally abuse her. Again, the methods used in this feud by Leno were underhanded and showed much cowardice.

In the case of Conan versus Leno ... Jay agreed in paper to retire at a certain point and Conan signed an agreement saying he would be the replacement when Leno retired. On the eve of the retirement and take-over ... Leno somehow negotiated a counter-deal in which he would move his show to air before Conan's yet Conan would still technically get the 11:30 Tonight Show space. Leno's new earlier show thus pushed the drama lead-ins to an earlier time slot (Law and Order et. al) ... thus ... the drama lead-ins were still Leno's ... and Conan's lead in was an aging and boring Jay Leno. Thus, Leno's retirement became more of a strategic shift that ultimately destroyed both shows ... much to Leno's delight. It was some sort of underhanded Japanese Kamikaze suicide attack used by Leno ... and it can only be described as being vindictive and underhanded.

So, yes, even though I've never sided with him in any Media Feud regarding Leno, it IS NOT because I have a bias towards the fellow. My opinions on those matters are based on what I perceive to be under-handed and cowardly tactics employed by Leno over the years.

Now, with that out of the way let's get to the main question of this article....


Jay Leno is NOT Mentally Handicapped

Again, I honestly believed that was true and he was "slow"... I didn't just say that to be mean. Why did I previously believe that Mr. Leno was possibly slightly mentally handicapped? This is why....

First of all, he inherited the Tonight Show, and we need a little history on that first. The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson took a hard line when it came to charlatons, brigands, and snake oil salesman. Carson would routinely lure unsuspecting bozo-clowns such as Uri Geller into unbreakable traps designed by One James Randi to expose these con men for the world to see....

Observe:

Uri exposed in Johnny and Randi's Deadly Trap!

Uri Geller is put into a situation where his scammy ass shitck won't fly. Unlike the trap Leno set up to stab Robin Quivers in the back ... this isn't a cowardly trap ... this is a service to humanity and Carson and James Randi should be commended for their valiant efforts and stratagems.

That was the Tonight Show's stance in regards to charlatans and scam artists... but fast forward to the Leno Era of the Tonight Show and that main tenet of the program was removed like it never happened. Spoon benders and any other "psychic" bozo-clowns were on Leno's version of the Tonight Show doing the dumbest crap without any questions asked of them ... and that's fine ... I guess ... but the Tonight Show under Carson flew with a skeptic banner for its entire history until Leno just didn't feel like carrying on that tradition.

Jay Leno went a completely "go along with the bit" route with every spoon bender and person like that who ever appeared on his show. Now did Leno go along with these bits for fun or did he really actually believe that people can bend spoons with their "minds"? I never thought he did believe this shit but ... then one time ... I heard him tell a very silly story that led me to believe that he is a very gullible and a genuinely odd fellow.

Sometime in the late 1990s ... Jay Leno told a story once to a guest on the Tonight Show, in which he claims to have ordered a package from an ad on the back of a comic book as a kid, and they sent him the wrong package. When he opened the package ... he claims a "small man" in a "suit" jumped out of the box ... looked at him .... freaked out ... and proceeded to run out of his home ... never to be seen or heard from ever again.

Now, he goes on to insist that this really did happen, that it's not a joke, or a ruse. He honestly believed this happened.

Okay, this was the exact moment that I became convinced that Jay was slightly mentally handicapped. I can believe a guy who tells a story like this could really be dumb enough to believe that a guy can bend spoons with his mind and other gullible ass shit.

He said a "Small Man" (which using his hands he claims to have been maybe 1 foot tall or less) ... totally 100% alive and not a toy ... was sent to his house through the mail ... and then once freed from the box ... this 1 foot tall "small man" freaked out and ran outside never to be seen from again.

Yeah........... Okay, there....... Leno. Yeah right.

You're a moron. Or are you?

Interesting Information Comes to Light

When I heard Jay make that claim ... and defend it like it really happened ... I honestly thought the guy was fucking crazy. The first thing I thought of when he described it as a small man was that bit on Sesame Street. I was picturing that darned Teeny Little Super Guy running out of Jay Leno's childhood home when I heard him refer to it as a "small man."

I thought it was the Teeny Little Super Guy or some shit...

Obviously this never happened, right? Yet new evidence which may exonerate Jay in this matter has come to the forefront....

I was listening on Monday of February the 8th to the wonderful and delightful radio program called "The Gilbert Gottfried Amazing Colossal Podcast" hosted by One Gilbert Gottfried and side-windered by One Frank Santopadre. They had on a guest, One Joe Dante, brilliant director of great films such as Gremlins 1 and Gremlins 2 (great movies, great movies) and founder of the website "Trailers from Hell." 

Gilbert, Frank, and Joe were discussing old movies and campy sixties and seventies culture and Gilbert brought up the topic that in the back of comic books in that era there was an ad to literally purchase MONKEYS via mail order. Joe Dante thought Gilbert was talking about the gimmicky specks known as "sea monkeys" BUT NO.... Gilbert said there were ads to buy real live monkeys via the mail. I looked into this and...

....YES! Fools were selling live small "squirrel monkeys" via the mail in that era! What the fuck!? First of all ... that's inhumane and disgusting. Gilbert said that most of the monkeys came dead on arrival to the home or on the verge of death as they were unable to survive whatever these cruel assholes packaged the poor creatures in.

The ads were the following:

 

Whaaaaaat?

No! Stupid! You don't send Monkeys through the MAIL! 

They put clothes on it!? It's looks like a "Small Man" !

No! What is wrong with people!? Don't send monkeys through the mail system!

So, as it would seem ... the backs of comic books in the era in which One James Douglas Muir Leno was a child ... were INDEED selling what could be described as "small men" through the mail ... which is obviously animal cruelty and very stupid and wrong ... but ... it 100% occurred.

Describing it as a "Little Man" really threw me off. I thought, like Joe Dante thought Gilbert was talking about, that Leno sent away for those stupid little bacteria specks known as "Sea Monkeys" and when Leno claimed he received a "small man" in the mail I thought he was full of shit ...

.... but it turns out he wasn't. Wow. His description of a Small Man coming out of a package actually makes sense after this new evidence has been brought to light.

Final Retraction and Conclusion

Since this dumb blog has morphed into basically a "Compendium of My Dumb Opinions on Things" as opposed to "Writings on Subjects" ... I must retract the statement I made a while back that Jay Leno is retarded.

Jay Leno is an under-handed fellow in regards to Media Feuds he engages himself  in ... yet ... with new evidence supporting his claims that he was sent a "Small Man" via mail order to his abode ... I officially and with great remorse retract my statements in regards to Jay Leno being a big retard because it turns out he actually isn't.

Some time this month I'm gonna write about the current Late Night Wars between Colbert and Fallon ... and I will let you know ... I honestly believe that it is in the utmost and urgent importance that Colbert surpass Fallon in the ratings. Jimmy Fallon hosting a Day-Time talk show (which is lamer than the one Ellen Degeneres does) in the 11:30 Tonight Show slot is an affront to the history of Late Night television. Stephen Colbert must win this modern Late Night War ... it's not even a joke ... it's not even funny anymore. 

Fallon is one of the most affronterous fellows I've ever seen on Tee Vee. A brazen fellow if I've ever seen one. What is his end-game? Who knows but what this man is up to is simply not correct. Simply not correct.

With this revelation that Leno is slightly less bad than previously thought ... Fallon has fallen to the bottom rung of historic hosts of the Tonight Show.  

Official Historic Tonight Show hosts Power Ranking:

1. Carson

2. Allen

3. Conan *

4. Parr

5. Leno

6. Fallon

*Conan didn't get enough time to shine in the slot, only 1.5 years, due to the underhanded kamikaze-style actions of Leno which dropped him down in the rankings. 

 

Can a Human Person be Too Pumped?

In this essay we shall be exploring the notion of Gettin' Pumped, Stayin' Pumped, and just generally operating in a pumped up nature.

This essay shall pose aloud the following questions at some point in the piece:

A) "What is the notion of Pumped?"

B) "Can You be Too Pumped Up?"

C) "What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped?"


Note: I am not a psychologist, nor a scientist, nor a nothing of anything....so don't take my recommendations at the end of this article Super Serious or anything, okay?


What is the notion of Pumped
Dissecting Robert Hamburger's seminal piece on the matter....



In the year 2004, the book "REAL Ultimate Power" was written by pump-guru Robert Hamburger. This book on the surface appeared to many as being solely about "Ninjas" yet it doesn't take much of a deep look into the words printed here to realize that this book is about much more than just really cool Ninjas.

It is the seminal piece on the Art and Science of Getting Pumped.

I've never read a book like this before, it really cares about its readers. In fact on the first page it asks you, using a full page, if you are even ready to get pumped.

This book knows not only will it teach you what it means metaphorically and tangibly to get pumped...but it will also get you really really pumped.

I really respected that they asked me beforehand if I was ready to get pumped before reading because I could have been eating cereal or taking a dump or something while opening this book and would not have been primed to have gotten pumped, so right off the bat, you know the author really deeply cares about his readers....which is a rare sight to see in this current writing climate. This author genuinely cares about meeting his goal of teaching you about getting pumped and then getting you pumped.

It is in the depths of this tome where we are treated to a philosophical look at what it is to get pumped....it is the pump-up play based on Plato's allegory of the "hole." It is a dialogue between the characters Smarticus and Fagomonius, and it reads as follows....


"Smarticus: Bonjour, amigo!
Fagomonius: Yo, bonjour.

Smarticus: Did you know humans live in a big hole?
Fagomonius: What![?]

Smarticus: Yup. Light gets in through the top and everybody in the hole is trapped.
Fagomonius: Wow! No Crap![?]

Smarticus: Vertas, my friend. Very Vertas. And these people think that getting pumped is just about going to a movie or playing basketball once in a while.
Fagomonius: Isn't it?

Smarticus: No way! These people are deceived by sit-coms. And they aren't allowed to turn their heads away from the TV, 'cause they'll get slapped in the mouth. But most importantly they aren't able to look out and see the ninjas standing above, trying to help them.
Fagomonius: Who are these ninjas?

Smarticus: I will tell you.
Fagomonius: O.K.

Smarticus: Ninjas are the human form of being pumped up. And they hold ropes for the regular people to climb out. Only when somebody escapes, they can understand REAL Ultimate Power.
Fagomonius: Has anyone made it out?

Smarticus: A few. But when they go back to teach the others, they are poo-pooed. Nobody listens and they are beaten.
Fagomonius: That's so immature.

Smarticus: Si."

(this excerpt is from: Hamburger, R., "REAL Ultimate Power," 2004 (pg. 50-51)

Ninjas are a symbolic concept in this piece, when Robert talks about Ninjas he is referring to the physical and mental emodiment of being Really Really Pumped Up. As his editor/babysitter John suggests in a footnote...Robert is standing above the "hole" and offering us ropes to climb out of our rut....climb to the top of the hole....lift ourselves out of it....and then finally get very pumped.

Yet, there is a scary side to getting pumped though, sometimes Robert speaks of "flipping out" and these flip outs sometime involve spitting on the carpet or even french kissing his dog. It seems in his moments of full fledged pumpery...he at times makes questionable decisions.

Which begs the question....


Can You be "Too Pumped Up?"
A statement from the Past rocks the world of the Future....

I recently unearthed statements made by a human I'm very familiar with, in which the concept of being "too pumped up" was brought to my ears for the very first time. It was in a documentary film narrated by one Donald Sutherland in which Don details 20 years of Montreal Expos memories which occurred from 1969 'til 1988.

Legend

Now, before we look at this man's comments I first want to set-up that he's not the jabroni that many in Montreal claim he is...in fact this man is a severely huge Legend. I'm, of course, talking about Steve Rogers (not Capt. America but the baseball pitcher).

Steve Rogers pitched for 13 years in an Expos uniform with a career earned run average of 3.17 in close to 3000 innings pitched, which for those who don't know is really really fucking good. He made it to the All Star game 5 times, including the 1982 All Star Game, where he was the starting pitcher on his home turf at Montreal's Olympic Stadium.

Rogers, in 1981, defeated Steve Carlton twice in a mini-ad-hoc playoff series (due to the strike shortened season), which got the Expos to the NLCS. Shit, he didn't get any run support in one game against Carlton so the guy singled in some RBIs his fucking self! Damn.

Still, despite a pretty hall-of-fame-esque career (unfortunately in 1991 he got 0% of the votes and fell of the ballot), this guy is viewed negatively in Montreal for one pitch he threw in a super-rare relief performance to Rick Monday circa October 1981.

He threw the "Blue Monday" pitch and that is the ONLY pitch from his amazing career that anyone remembers. He got zero hall of fame votes (not even one), his number 45 was never retired in Montreal despite being the greatest pitcher in their history, and whenever fans approach him to talk to him he KNOWS 100% what they are gonna ask him about....he knows they're gonna talk about Rick fucking Monday again.

In that Donald Sutherland documentary, Rogers states the reason he gave up the most heart breaking homer in Montreal baseball history is due to being...."Too Pumped Up."

"....[I] Came into the game, and I'm sure, it's the adrenaline pump that happens to all short-relievers, they have to learn how to control it and use it..............

.............I was too pumped up."

(-Stephen Douglas Rogers)

(Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6cLVyHxh3k&t=1h48m49s)

As a person who's studied the art and science of getting and staying pumped and who's basically centered my entire life around the getting of and staying PUMPED...this statements hit me like a ton of bricks. These words ripped the carpet from under my feet and left me feeling dazed and confused. Can a person be TOO pumped? It's unheard of and insane to even suggest such a thing...

....or is it?

I began quietly reflecting and really pondering inwardly about if a person can be "too pumped up" and I think he's right. Like say a dude is so pumped that he can't think straight or is so pumped that he makes bad decisions. It seems like something that happens everyday now that I really sit and down and think 'bout it.

Like, imagine a guy who's so pumped he walks out of his house feelin' like to reverse-german-suplex the first creature he sees. Now, if the person he saw that day was a pro-wrestler or a bear...then fine.....but what if the first creature Mr. Hypothetical Super-Pumped saw was a nice old lady or a cute kitty-cat? You can't just reverse-german-suplex an old lady or a cat....fuck man....Steve Rogers is very very correct in his views on being pumped.....

....you 100% can get too pumped. It's true.

It's a balance, I guess. You have to do all you can to get pumped but not too pumped. It's like threading a needle, sorta. Or not really.

You have to get pumped just enough to live life hardcore and git'r dun but you have to make sure not to get so pumped that you make bad choices or spit on the carpet. It's a gift...a gift you have to learn to control and use.



What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and the Uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped and/or De-Pumped
Can shrinks use these concepts to be smarter and better at their "jobs"?

The field of psychology and psycho-analysis is a jabroni-laden field of assholes as everyone knows. You never should listen to a "shrink" ever. That dumb psycho-analysis shit has crept into the world in other areas too...like....no one can even listen to Howard Stern or that jabroni Robin anymore for more than 8 seconds because they break out the "shrink" shtick at every opportunity and that show has rendered itself un-listenable to. Howard's become more pretentious than fifty Ira Glasses smushed together and that's not something many people thought would ever happen.

Shrinks should only ask their clients one question...."Are you pumped?"

If they say "No" then you sit them down and get them pumped. You put on some music of their choice that's heavy and you tell them to feel it in their fucking bones and to get pumped.

If they answer "Yes" then maybe they are too pumped and that's why they came to a shrink. In that case the shrink should play some easy music, like lullaby music, and just say relaxing thoughts about like babbling brooks and gentle streams and things of that nature.

That's all. Psycho-analysis could be so easy if shrinks even knew the first thing about pumpology.




Conclusion

As much as it pains me to admit, yes, a human can reach a level of pumpitude which, as Mr. Rogers put it....is simply "too pumped up."

That being said, I still believe 7/10 humans on earth are living life not even close to ever even getting  to the pump-up cut-off point. Say, for instance, you could quantify pumpitude on a scale of integers from 0 to 100....I'd say most people on earth never even reach 60% of full pumpitude during any moment of their entire lifetime.

So, yes, over-pump does exist but it's only a problem for a very select few people who live life on an extremely pumped-up day-to-day existence where getting over-pumped would manifest itself as a problem. If you like getting pumped then just remember that over-pumped does indeed exist but you shouldn't lose too much sleep over this concept.

Yes I do, and thank you very much for asking.

(Extra Bonus Opinion:

On a somewhat unrelated note, and since we did cover the topic of spitting on carpets and I briefly touched on Howard n' Robins new-age psycho-babble....I feel it is on topic to comment on the current feud between Gilbert Gottfied and Howard Stern...

For those of you who remain unaware, Gilbert horked loogies all over Howard's set and carpet and got permanently banned from the show forever and ever.

First off, I do not agree with or condone the spitting on carpets by any individual...it is yucky and it is gross and Gilbert should not have done this to Howard's carpet.

Yet, I think just like when Robert Hamburger or his dog Francine spit or piss on the carpet...Gilbert's spit incident was due to being overly pumped. Why? Because I think he was pumped to come in and laugh at the news and a do a cute little bit like usual and wasn't expecting Howard and Robin to be in full psycho-analysis mode and I don't think he was ready or set up to be hit by 50 Ira Glasses smushed together. I think Gilbert got angry and thus became over-pumped....and I believe that's why he spit on Howard's carpet.

So, yeah.)

One Less Comedian's Comedian on Earth....

Everyone has interests and passions in this life we are all simultaneously living over here. My interests pretty much go in this order, I'd say:

1. Eating Food / Drinking Liquids
2. Comedy
3. Hot Womens
4. Baseball
5. Design Science Optimal Global Revolution Matters

I take laughing (i.e. the function of being made to myself and also the making of other people to execute this function) pretty seriously. I do tend to believe that Comedy is an Art and a Science. It's not just fun n' games...it's a craft, it's a trade, it's an art...it really is an art...it's 'snart.

What is a Comedian's Comedian? It is the upper-most human echelon of comedic behavior. It's the creme de la creme. It's excelling at the art of bein' funny. It's actually hard to explain what this term means.

First off, you must reach a level of ZERO PRETENSION, where you are constantly presenting yourself as a "sad-sack" or a "boob" or a "fool" or a "bozo" at all times. It's easier to laugh at people who don't take themselves seriously. You have to achieve this state in order to even think about being a Comedian's Comedian. You must be able to handle being the "butt" of the joke.

Devito in a lighter moment

I find it hard to laugh at people who just make fun of other people instead of themselves, or people who care too much about their physical appearance. Looking well is NEVER conducive to comedy, UGLY is always better. For example, a guy like a James Franco can not and will not ever be funnier than a Danny Devito...it is simply an impossibility. It's not possible for a pretty boy faggo to be funnier than a 4 foot 11, bald, fat man.

Knowing the history of comedy is another preset of being a Comedian's Comedian. You have to know where the art form originated from in order to truly know what you are doing. You have to know about Vaudeville, you have to know who the Three Stooges were (that's a big-time pre-requisite), you gotta know the old shit. You have to be able to tell a standard paced joke...Setup, Punch, Topper, Double-Whammy. You need to be able to tell an enjoyable "Shaggy Dog Story" style joke which is VERY hard but 100% possible.

Here for reference is Comedian's Comedian Norm MacDonald issuing a "moth joke" shaggy-dog style story that seems to always work: http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=8c4_1306857615

Or here he is doing a shaggy-dog joke in the form of a uhhhh...um..an "Andy Richter Swedish/German Prospector Joke" : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaduY_sKce4&t=16m10s

Guys like my boy Norm can handle a shaggy dog no problem. Guys like Gilbert Gottfried, Jackie Martling or Legends like Rodney Dangerfield...those fucking guys can handle it too. Those guys are CCs for sure.

Rest in the Sweetest of Peace Mr. Richard Richard

Rik Mayall died today, and in my mind this was one of the funniest comedians I ever observed. Whether in a four-man unit like in the Young Ones or in a dual 2-man back-to-back praying-mantis style comedy troupe like on Bottom...this guy had it going on.

The combination of Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson is one of the best 1-2 punches in comedy history (some argue).

Rik's portrayal of "Richard Richard" on Bottom is one of the funniest fucking things I ever saw. No joke. He was the ultimate sad sack...the ultimate fucking loser. Richard was a 30+ year old virgin, unemployed, greasy moron with the smallest penis on earth. His only friend was a "friend by default" named Edward Hitler (no relation) who were only really friends because they couldn't possibly be welcomed or accepted by anyone else in the entire world. They pretty much hated each other but had to hang out by default and constantly beat each other up in the most elaborate of ways. These guys were the bum-iest, most obnoxious ne'er-do-well scumbags in the United Kingdom.

It's weird to see up tight British people acting like this...it actually makes it like double funny to see the "high class" British being as stupid as fuck. You can say like "shit" and words like that on the air too in that country even back in the 90s. Damn, Rik Mayall was a funny dude, seriously.

American audiences probably remember him when he played the imaginary friend of that naked chick who was in one of those high school movies from the 80s. It was called Drop Dead Fred and it was okay. His work on Young Ones and especially on Bottom is his main shit though.

Rest in Peace bro, you were a fucking funny dude, man.

Conclusion

I sincerely hope that Tracy Morgan, who was recently in an car accident, recovers from his critical injuries soon because I don't think Universe can handle the deaths of two Comedian's Comedians in such a short time span.