Have the Montreal Canadiens Set their Eyes on Lord Stanley!?

I wrote over the years a couple times about the Montreal Canadiens. There's such a big fan base for them and in the early days the readership for my essays about humor and other things got avalanched by up-tempo articles about Expos and Canadiens.

Actually the Expos ones were Sports Nostalgia articles more than anything.... but the Canadiens ones were usually written if they made the playoffs and were very up-tempo and up-beat articles.

Example (warning: Younger me in my Twenties swore and used bad boy language much more):

https://www.writingsonsubjects.com/2015/04/let-take-short-breaklet-get-75-pumped_76.html

Seems three of those players are still on the current iteration of this team. Price, Petry, and Gallagher. They've been Canadiens a long time now, those three.

What should this year's Canadiens in the Playoffs article be? Let's think of some topics we can do:

-Carey Price: A Hero's Journey
-Lord Stanley's Cup: A Trophy's Story
-A General Pump Up article for the Team
-A Detailed Hockey Article on how the Skills this Team has can be Maximized for Great Benefit


Okay... so... now let's narrow it down. Let's only write one of these. I am going to remove A General Pump Up because that was done already in like 2015.

"A Detailed..." will be removed as a possible choice now, too. I can't give away my knowledge of tactics in such an open forum. The Winnipeg Jets might read this and use my stratagems and divine tactics to form brilliant counter-divine-strategems against them. So I should definitely not do that one, either.

The Trophy's Story would be lame.... my idea was to write a short play on Lord Stanley giving the Lord Stanley's Cup to Canada and it would have been written with all the hadn'ts and wouldn'ts turned to Shadn'ts to make it feel more Olde Thymey but that gag would get stale after like five or six Shadn'ts and Shalls.

So... we are left with an article about...

...Carey Price.

Hmmm.... where should I go with this topic....

I remember as a kid, we had a computer class in grade four ... so I would have been like ... I don't remember how old people are in grade four but I was a kid.... and we had to type a letter on these old school DOS computers to a known person. Kids were choosing like the Prime Minister, or their moms, or their dads, or their best friend at school ... but I chose to write a letter to Tim Raines.

Your what, I think six in grade one, right? So add three years... I was probably like nine or ten when I wrote that letter to Tim "Rock" Raines in computer class ... that's where I think I want to go with my Carey Price article today. To maintain a sense of humor this blog aims at... I will try and remember how nine or ten year old me composed a letter to Chicago White Sox Left Fielder Tim "Rock" Raines in computer class.

Let me try and go back and remember what the computer class in my elementary school looked like and try and see if I can remember sitting there and writing that letter so I can re-attempt that writing style, the classic "Ten Year Old writing to an Athlete they Think is Cool", writing style.

I think I have it,

The article went something like,

"   cd\WordPerfect5.1
    wp51.exe

Dear Tim Raines, you are the greatest, you are the best. I have all of your rookie cards. Even the most expensivist ones and even the one where you wear the number 2 instead of the number 30! I have all of these cards because my Dad bought me ALL of them, Tim Raines! You should be on the cover of Sports Illustrated every month!"

(Note: His number is 32 not 2 in that card but it looks like he's wearing number 2)

I think that's actually almost verbatim, if memory serves me right, of how the letter in my grade four computer class was written. I think so because I remember the teacher wondering why a "rookie card" was better if it was more "expensiver" and what a "Beckett Book" was.

Now, I am not going to re-create how a ten year old writes to the point of writing with errors and spelling mistakes. I will write correctly... but... I want to capture the tone of how a kid who wants to write to his sports hero writes... and the main tenet there is "Pure Sports Fanhood".... which is totally real and honest in a kid's view of the World... and as we get older we get jaded to everything and crushed by the weight of the World and we all lose this ... but to a ten year old writing to a Sports Hero... you will see some pure happiness there. Pure positivity! That's what I want to re-create... the honest n' pure positive world view of the ten year old writer.... but not the spelling mistakes a ten year old would make.

Hmmm... I'm gonna find some 1990s clip art of sports to give it more of a "feel" to it.

So, here is an article for everyone today entitled,

 

"Dear Carey Price, You are The Best!"
-by 10 year old D.

Dear Carey Price, after beating the Leafs... you are the Greatest. You are the greatest goalie of your era. You Win games... all the time. It's amazing to watch. Even when I think you are gonna lose... you Win. It is inspiring in so many ways. Your team, The Montreal Canadiens, is also the Greatest. The defense in front of you is stellar and the forwards shoot and score like the wind!

I got a mini Goalie Stick of the Canadiens on my birthday to play tennis ball hockey at school. There's this big drainage sewer in the middle of the school yard so all the snow can drain into it and the the kids try to shoot the tennis ball past other kids to land in the center of the sewer and its fun but the thing is the sewer's bars are pretty wide so the tennis ball won't go through them but the mini sticks kids get for birthdays and Christmases are thin and small not like real hockey sticks... they are just plastic and thin and I dropped my Canadiens mini goalie stick into the sewer at school and if you look down you can still see it down there I think.

I hope that the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup! You are a hero to all the kids at school! I have a Montreal Canadiens hot dog package in our fridge that has the Canadiens logo on it! I want to make these hot dogs like how they make them at the Montreal Forum with both sides toasted and flat! And ketchup! You should probably put butter on the pan to flatten the buns when you toast them so they don't stick to the pan!

If the Canadiens get to the Stanley Cup, guess what, Carey? I will eat 10 hot dogs and also pizza and BBQ chips because I won't care! It will be a time of revelry and everything and I won't really care if my stomach hurts after!

I have ALL your rookie cards! I have 2007-2008 Rookie Cards of You! I won't sell them. Not even for any money at all! I won't.

Your next opponent is the fearsome Winnipeg Jets named after an Air Plane. Who names their hockey team after an air plane? I don't know. But even if they really could turn into Fighter Jets like the Transformers and can and shoot missiles at you... I bet you could stop a fighter jet missile anyways with your glove or blocker or stick... because.... you are THAT good.

They might release a chaff grenade before launching their missiles at you if they turn into Transformer Jets so be careful. They do that to mess with your radar and timing so you can't see the missiles coming. It's ok though... you're the best Goaltender ever so I doubt they can trick you even if they can turn into Transformers... which by the way... THEY CAN'T! 

Who is their main best player on Winnipeg? M. Scheifele? More like M. PeePeeFace! In Europe, Scheifele means poop or caca someone told me... but I don't know if that's true. If someone gave me his rookie cards for free I would probably still say No or Yeah, Right. I want good player's rookie cards! Like yours!

All jokes aside, Winnipeg is good and Scheifele's good... he's a good shooter who knows how to skate and shoot and deek and you need to be on the lookout for this guy. He has five points now in the playoffs and that's not that bad but he's not as talented at Ice Hockey as you.... so don't worry too much. Plus, I was looking at the Beckett Book recently and his rookie cards aren't worth very much.

Everyone asks if the Canadiens win the Cup... what will happen? I don't know but I do know it will be very cool and everyone will be happy. It will be a tremendous moment on planet earth, I think.

P.S.

You're the Best Goalie.

 

I really did drop a Canadiens mini goalie stick down my school yard's sewer when I was ten years old ... that's true. That happened. Me and my friends tried to make a makeshift fishing apparatus out of this green cord we found to try and hook it and pull it back up but ... in the end, we couldn't. I lost it forever.

Seriously now though, Canada's going through some distressing news items of late and I really think, Carey Price, who is of Ulkatcho Nation of First Nations heritage can be a source of positivity or even Hope through these difficult times.

This first two rounds of playoffs of only Canadian teams in them means the winner of Montreal vs. Winnipeg, even if they lose to the American teams in the Finals will basically be Canada's Champion. I think they should award a trophy for the Canada portion of the playoffs. The winner of the Canadian teams who advance past the Canada portion of the playoffs should get a nice cup of some manner ... but one based on First Nations artistry to honor First Nations. A totem-style Cup of First Nations inspired iconography, art, and history.  

Another thing I was thinking of to get First Nations culture into Hockey/Canada/World/Etc. is to improve the NHL video games by adding First Nations style aesthetics to it. 

I was playing a video game recently from Bandai based on Captain Tsubasa and the "Super Moves" they do in this game are so cool looking... many of which are based off cool animal animations. There's one player where a Falcon erupts from his body as he shoots and many more. I would like to see, even if its a DLC or something, for NHL video games where the players can have First Nations inspired Super Moves.... especially Carey Price who is of First Nations... he can have a "V-Zone" mode (as they call it in Bandai's Soccer game of Tsubasa) where his stats increase as he summons his First Nation's inspired Super Moves.

The coolest one in Tsubasa is the Neo-Tiger Shot of Hyuga.... which has a tiger appear out of him and a wild roar sound effect. It gives me chills! It looks amazing.

Spiritual Animals in general would work in a Hockey video game aiming at a First Nations homage. Tough defensemen can have a Bear's Roar super move to body check, goal scorers can have Eagles, things like that.... and in the Canada's Cup playoff round in the video game you can play for a Totem of all these Animals who's powers you unlocked as your talents grew throughout the Canada Cup Story Mode and these animals became your own personal strengths... the Totem trophy would be based on them.

I would ask First Nations input though.... If any video game company wants to do something like that I'd ask actual First Nation people what they would think would look cool in a Hockey video game that tried to showcase elements of First Nations culture, history, and art. First Nations art and culture in Canada is very unique and interesting. I would think it can be incorporated into larger forms of media to give it a better access to the world.

Alright, so, I hope the Canadiens win the Cup... and if you are a parent and have a ten year old kid... I'd suggest that exercise I did in grade four to them. Ask them if they'd like to write a letter to their Sports Hero... I think you'd be surprised that they will take to that task more so than other school work or maybe the at-home education that is becoming more common in this era. I remember being excited to write to Tim Raines and it was one of the longest things I ever wrote probably at that point of my life because I was happy to do this school work.

Is Freshness the Reason Behind the Hate On for P.K. Subban?

A lot of people were wondering why the reigning Norris trophy winner and excellent hockey player P.K. Subban was benched during the Olympic games in Sochi.

I was excited to watch these games and was sort of disappointed that Subban only appeared in 11 minutes of one game during the entire tournament.

Everyone seems to hate on Subban all the time, all the time, over somewhat pointless things and I'm not sure I understand it.

One thing is for sure, he doesn't look like your average NHL player. He looks more like an athlete you'd find in the NBA, or NFL, or MLB than someone you'd find in the NHL. He's charismatic and flashy...he's rather Fresh, I'd say.

He has an urban flair to himself that is more common in other sports. The NBA especially has the most urban feel to it, The NBA has a sort of hip hop persona that gives it a lot of flavor. Urban freshness is not only accepted in the NBA but encouraged.

The NFL is the next most "fresh" sport, and even MLB baseball which was once regarded to be as "country club" a sport as golf has a had a major make over during the last five decades or so.

Yet even baseball shuns urban elements as not being part of its image. Take the case of Lastings Milledge who created a big hub-bub over releasing a rap album while in the Mets triple-A organization. (Article by Deadspin on Lasting's rap fiasco).

The writer in the article linked above states this would have caused no one to look twice if it were the NBA and Milledge was releasing a rap album, but baseball doesn't want "rap" in its image. It still sort of wants to retain a golf-esque country club atmosphere to its institution...which is odd considering only 63% of baseball players are still howdy doody white guys in the present era.

I don't know if anyone's really noticed...but there's not a whole lot of guys in the NHL who are not howdy doody farm boys. In fact Subban might be the only player in the NHL today who could be described as being "urban."

Which begs the question...


NHL: Fear of Freshness?

Is fear of freshness a real phobia that I didn't make up? Of course it is, it's called Chill-A-Phobia and it's not a made a up mental condition by any means.

The NHL comes across as being super uptight and lame...

Please read the following article: http://sports.nationalpost.com/2013/02/02/don-cherry-is-glad-to-see-the-end-of-the-p-k-subban-carey-price-triple-low-five/

It details the shocking behavior displayed by Subban which SHOCKED an entire nation. What did he do? Well, he had the nerve to dare to preform a "triple low five."

What is it? Well, as opposed to the "high five" which we are all familiar with, Subban and his teammate Carey Price would turn the high five upside-down and preform the greeting/soul-shake at a below-knee vantage point...and then had the audacity to multiply the quantity of the "fives" by three resulting in the aforementioned "triple low five."

Can you believe it? That someone would turn a high five upside down and raise the frequency by 2 units? It's....it's....it's....deplorable is what it is. I myself was shocked, amazed, and horrified (that so much could be so compromised).

The TLF was banned by the Canadiens organization in response to the collective shock that the nation felt whilst viewing this obscene gesture by Subban and Price.

Now if you're sitting there and thinking to yourself..."wait, what? All this fuss over a low-five? What the flying fuck?" then you are probably a good and normal person. Yet to truly understand the shock generated by this you really have to immerse yourself in the customs of the region to truly understand why this was such a huge deal.

Canada Itself: A Fear of Freshness?

It's time for some Canadian trivia !!

Didja know: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air starring Will Smith was originally banned in Canada? It's a fact jack.

Didja Know: Milk comes in these weird ass bags in Canada because Mennonites in Alberta believed milk in cartons promoted promiscuity and lobbied the government to outlaw milk in cartons? You can't make this shit up even if you tried.

Canada is kind of weird sometimes. Its leader for instance is an Evangelical Christian who doesn't believe in evolution. It can be sort of an odd place at times.

The average Canadian person spends their day cutting down trees or some thing like that, then at night they say their prayers to their beloved God, and then they fall asleep with pleasant dreams of painting the Queen of England's toe-nails.

They are a simple agrarian society who lead very boring lives. Hockey is the one saving grace that they can hope for. Hockey represents the golden ray of hope that every illiterate Canadian huckster can become a multi-millionaire.

Forget just millionaire, it's a way for an illiterate man to be appointed to government and live off tax payers money. For example, take Jacques Demers who is 100% illiterate but was appointed a senator and is now an official in the Canadian government. What other country on earth could you be both illiterate and a government official? Wow what a place!

The image the NHL is going for...is the Super Hoser image. The prototype is the illiterate good ole country boy who rose against all odds and made a million bucks and got his name into the hall of fame. You can do it too! Your illiterate in-bred son who drinks paint all day can have his name in the hall of fame too!

Now, P.K. Subban is the furthest thing from an illiterate in-bred country boy. Some might say he's even breaking the mold and adding a real urban flavor to the NHL...and most if not all hard-line traditionalists don't like this very much.

NHL: Time to Catch Up?

Look, there are seven big huge sports leagues in the Americas and their popularity and revenue go in this order:

1. NFL
2. MLB
3. Formula 1
4. NBA
5. PGA
6. CONMEBOL (South American Soccer League)
7. NHL
8. PGBA (Professional Girls Badmington Association)

The popularity of the NHL in the Americas is over-estimated at best by its fans. A new image really wouldn't hurt a silly ass league that makes a fuss about low-fivin'.

The only thing that sells the league right now is the fighting. If they took fighting out of hockey no one outside of 5 cities would ever go to any more games.

I've seen the NHL referred to on the internet as "furpuck" lately. It seems people are implying that if all sports were porno genres then the porno genre most comparable to the NHL would be a disturbing niche porn like furry porn. It's mean and I would never compare anything, even my worst enemy to furry porn (which is an abomination to the eyes and brain)...but I just want to point out that most people view the NHL as being super lame and with good reason.

I found the MLB's reaction to Lastings Milledge's rap album as being way over the top and silly...so I have a hard time understanding a league like the NHL who can't even handle "low fives" without getting their panties in a knot...it is almost unheard of to even think about how that's even possible.

In Conclusion

Now, this is a story all about how

Triple Low Fives turned the NHL upside down
And I like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how P.K. became the prince of the NHL

In west Ontario born and raised
On the playground was where he spent most of his days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some slaphshots outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin being super lame in the neighborhood

I whistled for a cab and when it came near

The license plate said fresh and it had a CH in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Montréal'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of The NHL

A little bit of freshness never hurt nobody. GO HABS GO! 

Let's Take a Short Break....Let's get 75% Pumped for the NHL Play Offs, Y'all.

I don't write much 'bout the good old fashioned game of Ice Hockey. But yo, I wrote back in 2012 that those high flyin' Montréal Canadiens were gonna win the cup this year.

Read that 2012 article here: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2012/02/open-letter-to-montreal-canadiens-fans.html

It's the article with the most reads ever on this dumb blog, I don't think it was that good, re-readin' it now I like the Guile joke, whoever made that gif is a funny person. I like the riot-domes joke....that's sorta funny.

Look, I take my prognostications pretty serious, so if they don't win the cup this year I'm gonna look like a darned fool is what I'm gonna look like.

I doubt any Canadiens read this blog but if they somehow find it on google or something....here's a small pump up for the whole team. I hope it gets them 75% pumped....exactly the right level of pumped. Not too hot, not too cold....just right like baby-bear porridge. If you are a Canadien then just scroll down to your name and hopefully the pump-up works for you. Your paragraph will be a short assessment of your play over the season, a report card, and a mini-pump.

Read this shit with this song on so it is more good to read!

Ooooh that song pretty good...

Defensemens

PK Subban

Subban? The man's a legend, he doesn't give a fuck. He'll beat you in a variety of ways...he'll beat you on D, he'll beat you on offense, he'll slap you in the mouth. Subban? He's a legend, man. He's crazy. He got 60 points this year and was plus 19! The guy's amazing....he's the greatest hockey man! He doesn't care! He plays like 30 minutes a game! He's a living legend! He's like a crazy man! He's a walking Norris Trophy is what this fucking guy is! He's a walking Norris Trophy! That's insane! He's the greatest! Holy crap! He's a LEGEND!

A+

Andrei Markov

This man!? He's the best! He's actually the greatest! He's the quiet leader of the whole entire fucking team, he doesn't give a fuck! He leads by example....he leads by ALL the EXAMPLES! Who him!? The guy's a maniac, he's crazy! He is like the smartest hockey player in the world! His Hockey IQ is like a billion million! That's a huge number! Holy shit, you guys! Markov? He's fucking amazing at hockey....oh my word! They should nickname him The General because that's what he is....he's a Hockey General leading by quiet leadership...and leadin' with examples! Many many many examples! Yeah. 

Он очень талантлив

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Jeff Petry

Who Petry? This guy? He's wild, he's crazy...he literally doesn't even give one fuck. Not even ONE! He never did and he never will. He's a wild and crazy dude! He is amazing at Ice Hockey....he's got long hair and wins games. Petry? He's a fucking wild case....he doesn't give a fucking shit about shit....he just wins at it and wins at it well. The guy knows what to do out there and doesn't fuck up...wow.

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Alexei Emelin

Oh my word....this man is nuts, he's a nut-ball, he's a damned crazy man. He's a wild horse on the fucking loose! Oh wow...this guy is fucking nuts! He even got into Milan Lucic's head! He's a feisty fucking guy is what he is! He'll fuck you up....he doesn't care. He'll punch you in your fucking face, he doesn't give a shit. He's a nutcase....he'll kick you right in the ass....DIRECTLY IN THE ASS! He'll even punch you in the fucking ass! He's NUTS! A FUCKING NUT BALL! He is from like the weird part of Russia where they plant potatoes and AK-47s in the ground and farm potatoes and machine guns like they're vegetables! Those guys who come from there!? They barely even give a fuck!

Он Сумасшедший !

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Tom Gilbert

This long haired untamed Wyld Stallyn!? He's a maniac on wheels! He's like Speed Racer or Racer X! He doesn't give a shit! He's a race car driver on wheels....on ice! He'll run ya right down! He don't play around! He'll body check ya fucking hard! He'll make ya think twice in your zone! He'll make ya think twice you PUNK ASS SON OF A BITCH! Ya better think twice before you try and mix it up with this long haired Wyld Stallyn! Oh Myyyyyy Goooooodness!

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Nathan Beaulieu

Nathan!? The guy is a YOUNG GUN....he's literally a GUN and is YOUNG. He's like 22 years old! That's nuts! He's like the youngest guy and he's like the craziest GUN! He can become a GUN just like Megatron can! He can become a fucking GUN and he's YOUNG! He's like Megatron if Megatron was a young man instead of a greasy fuckin' robot! Holy fucking shit!

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Mr. Sergei Gonchar

I used to trade for this man in EA SPORTS NHL 97! I USED TO GET HIM ON THE CANADIENS IN VIDEO GAMES BACK IN 1997! THAT'S HOW COOL HE IS....HE'S ON THE TEAM FOR REAL NOW AND THAT'S FUCKED UP! THE MAN IS AN ICON! HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK AT ALL. HE'S A WISE ELDER LIKE SPLINTER OFF OF NINJA TURTLES! NATHAN BEAULIEU ASKS HIM ALL THE QUESTIONS HE NEEDS ANSWERED! NATHAN IS LIKE "HEY MR SERGEI...HOW DO I BECOME WAY BETTER?" AND THEN GONCHAR IS LIKE "OKAY, I WILL TELL YOU." AND THEN ALL THE YOUNG GUNS BECOME EVEN BETTER! IT'S FUCKING CRAZY!!!! THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!!!

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Gregory Pateryn

Greg? This guy knows how to do it! He'll hit you and he'll fuck you up....he doesn't care....he barely cares all...in fact...he doesn't give a fuck at all...not even one. He's a friggin' maniac with a heart of gold! It's nuts! He's very very nuts!

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Mike Weaver

Weaver? What the fuck!? The guy has a degree in Web Design from an esteemed University! The guy is intelligent! He'll punch you in the throat! He'll invite you to dinner and then punch you in the balls! This guy? He'll design a website up your ASS! He's CRAAAAAZY! CRAZY AS FUCK! ABSOLUTELY CRAZY AS ALL FUCK!!

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The Fuckin' Forwards

 LISTEN UP TO THIS FUCKING SONG! WHY DON'T YOU!?

 

Tomas Plekanec

This one? Don't even me started on this one! He's the most under-rated human player in the whole damned NHL! He is a defensive forward who just happens to get 60 points! He's a two-way forward...he's a fucking two-way forward! He plays his heart out! He actually plays his whole heart out! That's crazy! To play your heart out? That's absolutely nuts! Wow!


On je skvělý !

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Maximum Max Patch oh RETTY

Oh this fucking guy right here!? Oh shit....this man'll score like 80 goals a year because he barely even gives two fucks about it! He's a sniper....he's a fuckin' sniper....holy moly! Oh man...I bought that MAX 67 fucking cheese burger they sellin' at MacDernDern's lately...that shit tasted so fucking gooood! It had these weird red sticks in it! They were like spicy red french fries or something! It tasted soooooo gooood....I STILL REMEMBER EATING THAT BURGER LIKE IT WAS YESTERADAAAAY! IT HAD A LOT A LOT OF MAYONAISSE, OH MY WORD! IT FUCKED ME UP! IT CHANGED MY LIIIIFE 4 EVER! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I LOVE HAAAAAMBURGERS!

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Brendan Gallagher

He's so young....he has his entire human life ahead of HIM. He's only 22 fuckin' years old this guy! That's as young as fuck! He charges the damned net all the time! He doesn't care AT ALL. They be slashing him and cross checking his ass....but they can't even get this fucking guy away from the GOALIE BECAUSE HE'S AN UNMOVABLE OBJECT! AN UNMOVABLE OBJECT! HE'S THE BEST! HOLY SHIT! HE REMINDS ME OF PAT VERBEEK! HE DOESN'T PLAY AS DIRTY THOUGH! HE'S AMAZING AT HOCKEY! HOLY FUCK! HE DOESN'T NEED TO GET PUMPED! HE'S ALREADY PUMPED....I can tell from his face.

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David Desharnais

 
Oh my gosh. This guy plays with all his heart! What he lacks in size he makes up in heart like that guy RUDY from that movie RUDY starring that dude RUDY! Rudy was being a punk but Charles "Rock" Dutton told him to shape up and then RUDY did! In real life....the Mayor told Desharnais to shape up...AND HE DID! NOW HE'S AMAZING! HE'S A SLICK PUCK HANDLER! HOLY FUCK! WHAT IN THE WOOOORLD!? HE'S LIKE GLEN METROPOLIT TIMES FIFTY!

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Alex Galchenyuk

This young man? OH WOW! HE'S A YOUNG GUN! He's gonna be a fucking total super star in the fucking league for like 20 years! HE'S GONNA MAKE LIKE A ZILLION DOLLARS! HE'S GONNA BE IN THE HALL OF FAME in 2045! THAT'S FUCKED UP! I PROBABLY WON'T EVEN BE ALIVE BY THE TIME HE MAKES THE HALL OF FAME. THAT'S MENTAL! HE'S GONNA SCORE MORE GOALS IN HIS LIFE THAN GRETZKY! HE'S ONE OF THE YOUNGEST GUNS.

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Jake De La Rose

This mother fucker is from FUCKING SWEDEN! THAT'S WHERE INGE HAMMARSTROM CAME FROM! Jake is 400 times more powerful than Inge Hammarstrom! If Inge was a STORM of fucking HAMMERS....as in....hammers raining down from the sky killing everything in its vicinity...then Jake is like a hurricane of POWER DRILLS RAINING DOWN ON THE FERTILE LANDS! DRILLING EVERYTHING! A TYPHOON OF FUCKING POWER DRILLS! ASSHOLE! FUCK!

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Lars Eller

Lars Eller!? I love this fucking guy! He's one of my favorite guys on the whole fucking team! He's a great great player...I REALLY LIKE WATCHING HIM PLAY...IT'S VERY ENTERTAINING! HE'S VERY VERY TALENTED! HE'S A DANE! HE'S A GOD DAMED GREAT DANE! HOLY SHIT! I HOPE HE WINS THE CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

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Brandon Prust

This man wears number 8! He looks like Cam Neely. He fucks all the mother fuckers up! He kicks people in the fucking ass! He kicks them in the ass HARD! When he kicks you in the fucking ass...you fucking feel it! You feel it....in your stupid ASS! YAAAAAAAAA! YAAAAAAA! He'll kick ya in the butt...he don't care! He's a mental case! WOW! From the coast to the coast...he's even more powerfuller than SPACE GHOST! HE'LL KICK ZORAK IN HIS ASS! HE WILL PUNCH LOKAR IN THE FACE!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


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Dale Weise

The guy looks like a seventies hockey man! Look at his hair! The guy looks like he's playing in the SEVENTIES! THAT'S FUCKED UP! HE'LL FUCK YOU UP! HE'LL SCORE A GOAL AND THEN PUNCH YOU IN THE FAAAAACE! WHAT DA FUCK! HOLY SHIT! THAT'S CRAAAAZY AS HELL! THAT'S SO CRAZY! Ooooh my wooooord!

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Torry Mitchell

OH MY LANTA! THIS GUY SCORED A GOAL IN GAME ONE! THAT'S FUCKING COOOOOL! HE MIGHT SCORE EVEN MORE! THAT'S AMAZING! HOLY GOD DAMNED SHIT YOU FUCKING GUYS! I HOPE HE GETS A STANLEY CUP!


A+

Diamond Devante Smith-Pelly

DSP? This guy is like 230 pounds of BEEF! THE DUDE'S A BEEF STEAK OF POWER! HE'S LIKE A RUNNING BACK ON SKATES! HE'S LIKE GOD DAMNED MARSHAWN LYNCH ON SKATES! HE'LL RUN YOU OVER LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN OF HUMAN JUSTICE! HE'S ABOUT TO GO INTO BEEEEEEAST MOOOOOOODE! BEAST MODE, OH SHIT! MOTHER FUCKING BEAST MODE! BEAST MODE, you sonna va BITCHES! OH Wow!

A+

 

P.A. Parenteau

This man!? OH SHIT! HE'LL SCORE ON YOU. He will score on you! Get ready asshole...cuz he's gonna score on you....right on your damned net. Get ready! Holy fuck he's gonna score on you...really hard. Oh shit....he's gonna shoot the puck right past you! What the fuck are you thinking? The dude's gonna shoot goals on you! YES! HE'S BEEN WATCHIN SLAPSHOT STARRING PAUL NEWMAN ALL WEEEEEK LONG! HE'S READY TO START SCORING FUCKING GOALS LIKE NED BRADEN and SHIT! YA!

Lui? P.A.? il va magané tous les gars! Estie! TABARNAK!

 Everyone's gonna get Maganed.....FUCK EM ALL!

A+

Brian Flynn

WHAT? The man's name, according to wikipedia, means scoring goals? Now just what the fuck is that shit!? HIS OWN NAME LITERALLY MEANS SCORING GOALS!? THAT's CRAZY! It's ironic because that's what the man does! He scores goals and shit! He got 3 points in game 1.....holy shit, everybody. Holy actual shit!

A+

Manny Malhotra

Him!? Are you crazy!? HE'S AMAZING! HE WINS ALL THE FACEOFFS ALL OF THE TIIIME! HE LOST HIS EYE AND THEN CAME BACK TO PLAY AGAIN! HE'S AMAAAAAZING! THAT'S CRAZY! HE'S LIKE A PIRATE! HE'LL PLUNDER YOU! HE'LL PLUNDER YOU AT HIGH SEAS! HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE CUZ HE'S THE GREATEST! HE WINS FACE OFFS! ARE YOU LISTENING!? THE GUY'S AMAZING! HE CAN WIN AT HOCKEY! HE'S A VETERAN WHO TEACHES WISDOM TO THE YOUNGER GUYS! YEEEEESSSSSSSSS! I SAW HIM A PEEL PUB ONCE EAT 18 PLATES OF RAVIOLI! THE GUY IS A BEAST! HE'S THE GREATEST GUY!

A+


Da Goalers

RIP KENNY JENSEN! 

That Carey Price! 

Carey Price!? He's the best! He's one of the greatest goalies of all time! I can't believe it! HE wins cups! He's good at it! WOW! He is quick like a fox! He's smart like a dolphin! He's unbreakable! Ya can't break his concentration! He's indomitable! Absolutely MENTALLY INDOMITABLE! HIS MENTAL FACULTIES ARE AN IMPREGNABLE PYRAMID OF DIVINE CONCENTRATION! IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE! This guy is in The Zone.

A+ 

Dustin Tokarski

That's a polish name! His grandpa probably fought in world war 2 for Poland and slapped that motherfucking bitch Hitler in his bitch-ass mouth! His grandad probably kicked Hitler in the fucking ass! THAT'S AMAZING! HE'S A HERO! HE'S A FUCKING HERO! YEAH! 

A+  

The Coaches

He's listening to da fucken song! What the fuck is wrong witchu !? Are you stupid?

Michel Therrien

This is the guy who knows all the tactics! He knows what line to put out against who! He's the best at it! He's so tactically sound it's unreal! He's like the Zhuge Liang (諸葛亮) of Ice Hockey. He has a powerful-ass mind! He knows about all the tricks and all the deceptions. He has his finger on the button! He knows what button to press! He's in control of these damned situations and shit! He's the man with the plan. He knows what to do and WHEN!

A+

Dan Lacroix

This mother fucker right here? Dan Lacroix? This maniac!? He got 466 penalty minutes with the Granby Bisons back in '87! THAT's FUCKED UP! THAT'S THOROUGHLY FUCKED UP! This guy probably killed a guy that year! He probably suplexed a dude! He probably ate a guy's heart! How the fuck do you get 466 mother fucking penalty minutes!? He's gonna punch the other assistant coach of the other team in the throat! HE'S A NUT CASE! WHAT THE FUCK!? 

A+

J.J. Daigneault

Jean Jacques "mother fucking" Daigneault? You never heard of this guy before? Are you on drugs? He won the cup in 1993! He held the cup over his fucking head! OH WOW! This guy can coach his ASS OFF! HE's NUTS!

A+

Clément Jodoin

He had 15 points for Concordia University back in nineteen seventy motherfuckin' three! WOW! The Big C will round house kick you in the face with a 180 degree power kick....AND BARELY EVEN GIVE A FUCK! THAT'S FUCKED UP! THAT TRULY IS! IT IS TRULY FUCKED UP IS WHAT THAT IS! HOLY SHIT!

A+

  

Conclusion

YEAH! JUMPIN' IN THE FRIGGIN' AIR! LOOK AT DIS SHIT!

Jeepers....I got pumped just writing that garbage. I take my prognostications seriously. My baseball ones especially but my hockey ones too. I did say they'd win the cup this year back in 2012....so it's coming time where I'm either gonna look super savvy or like a total bozo. I hope this mini-pump will turn the tides of the human future. If even one guy found this on google by googling his name...then I hope it gets said human pumped....but not too pumped...only the perfect 75% pumped...because the refs are calling all kinds of shit now and if you're too pumped you might get suspended or some shit....so 75% is a good pumped to be right now.

In all seriousness, if they do win the trophy this year....please don't riot up the place. It's kind of embarrassing when you fanatics set the shit on fire and shit. I agree it looks cool....but in the end it really isn't. It makes us look like bad and everything with all the rioting and this and that.  

Whoever made this GIF knows what they were DOING!

I made dis one...it's awezome.

An open letter to Montreal Canadiens fans...

...Chill out and let the team grow. That's not only the fans but the media too. Chill out and let this team grow.

The next 2-3 years are "rebuilding" years. We got to finish at the bottom in order to get higher draft picks, and by 2015 we will be serious serious business. This team has a lot of talented young players and will have a few more with the draft picks of the next two years. You got to chill and let these kids grow, you can't scare them out of town, you can't use them as the scapegoat of the week, or any of that crap.

Look at these guys, you got Pacioretty who's already got 25 goals this year. You got P.K. Subban who will probably be the first black captain of the Canadiens and who has merchandising potential to make the team millions and millions with his popularity. You got Price who is looking really good and will probably get better. You got Lars Eller who is huge and skates like a bat outta hell. These young guys are good. Let them develop, grow, and meld as a functional human unit.

This is what I think the respective parties involved should do:

The Front Office's role:

Don't waste money on tempting free agents. You will need a lot of dough to sign these youngsters longterm when they get real good so do not use up your budget signing washed up guys like Gomezes or Cammaleries.

The Coaches role:

Don't interfere too much if ever. You don't play as big a role as you think you do. Just let these kids get out there and do the do. Your egos can do more damage to a team than good, and in no way can your ego make players play better unless you're super-chill and cool like a Reggie Dunlop type guy.

The Young Playas roles:

Don't over-indulge. Montreal is a fun city, it has lots of dance clubs, strip joints, massage parlors and all kinds of cool shit. You kids cannot ruin your lives by wasting all your energy on Montreal's slut population. Yes the sluts are bangin' and good, but their pussies will not win you a Stanley Cup. Plus, there's plenty of time for them in the off-season.

The Media's role:

Shut the fuck up. You make a new scapegoat every other week, and make mountains out of mole hills in the space between those weeks. Let these kids play hockey.

The Fan's role:

Enjoy this shit. It's just a hockey game, it's not important and not anything to get too crazy over. You don't have to riot, but if you think you do have to riot when they win the cup in 2015 then please keep the damage to a minimum. The city should invest in what I would call "Riot Domes" or "Designated Damage Areas" where enclosed spaces are closed off with ply-wood walls and filled with old beat up cars and plate glass windows where rioters can go and smash junk up without damaging public or private property. The fans could thus punch and kick cars like Guile off of Street Fighter with all the gusto they want, but nothing of value will be lost or damaged.

Animated Gif. Click to animate.