Ratin' The Energies, Yeah!

Oh Hello, I didn't see you there. Come on in, this is my blog and I write stuff in it. Me? I'm about to rate the energies, would you like to join me? Ok great, let's have a good time!


Terms

We will be using the term TerraWatt-Hours quite a bit in this article so let's cover some ground on that term first.

Most of all of all of all y'all know what a Giga-Watt is because of that movie Back To The Future...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjCRUvX2D0E)

 1.21.....GIGAWATTS!

A Giga-Watt be bigger than a Mega-Watt and a Tera...okay this is already needlessly confusing so I will just refer you to this article called "Orders of Magnitude (Power)"...

MegaWatt = 1 Million Watts

GigaWatt = 1 Billion Watts

TeraWatt = 1 Trillion Watts 

Our unit of measurement for the ranking will refer to all instances of power in TeraWatt-Hours which is the TeraWatt unit over a time variable. It is as simple as Watts x Hours.

For example if you were running a series of devices at 5 TeraWatts for 5 hours then 5x5 would mean you have used 25 TerraWatt Hours.

Warning

Look-it my fellow global g-units, I'm not a scientist or anything and the datum and opinions expressed in this blog article are my understandings of what seems to be the global energy scenario, maybe all the things I read are false...who knows. I, of fairly sound mind at this moment, believe the statistics and opinions expressed in the following text are true...yet, who knows if they are wicked correct or not. I'm just a dude, man...just like you and me. If something written here is of interest to you than by all means conduct your own research and formulate your own opinions on the subject matter.

For example a lot of data comes from the Enerdata website. If these numbers are off in any way than I really can't know any better...I can't go test this shit out myself. You know?

Pre-Rating - Global Stats

How many Tera-Watt hours per year does our human society use? I've looked around at many sources and studies...the following seems to be the case:

Total Yearly Global Energy Use: 20,000 TWh

Fossil Fuel Use: ~71%

Hydro Electric Use: ~16%

Nuclear Use: ~12%

Other Use (Wind, Geo-Thermal, Zombie-Power, Solar, etc.): ~1%

Thems is the stats, the whole stats, and nothing but the stats.

Pre-Amble

  

We shall be looking mainly at three things. Does this energy have the shutzpah to power a lot of stuff? Does this energy cause a lot of filthy pollution? Is this a renewable energy that will last humans a long time? These are undoubtedly the burning questions we will ask about these energies.

Ratings

1) Fossil Fuels

Renewable: Nope

Pollution: High!!! 

Potential: No Future

Energy by fossil fuels is the act of burning shit like coal, oil, or gas to create energy to power our devices and lights.

   

Almost the entire energy infrastructure of the globe is currently designed to use fossil fuels. Basically, Europe industrialized first and used fossil fuels to power their industries and vehicles, soon after the Americas followed suit and industrialized under the same template. 

After World War 1, other countries wanted to get in on the whole industrialization phenomenon and Russia basically asked the USA, "hey bro, how do we do this?" and the American engineers sent them a detailed report on how they did it and next thing you know Russia is using this fossil fuel template. 

Fast forward to only recently and hugely populated countries like China and India are on the phone with the same American engineers and ask, "hey bro...how do we get in on this shit?" and the engineers give China and India the template and lo and behold right now they are burning more fossil fuels than any other country in human history.

Very few countries didn't ask the Americans for their template when they wished to industrialize. Brazil may be the best example of one that did not, Norway is another a great example, the Quebec region of Canada, and the Las Vegas region of the United States didn't go the fossil fuel route either. Other than those regions...it seems all countries used the fossil fuel template to industrialize.

The fact that fossil fuels is the most used energy source is not because it is the most efficient, it is because everyone used the same template to industrialize (minus the exceptions noted above).

Brazil is the biggest exemption to this and if you're wondering why that is...it's actually an interesting history as to why. Brazil in the 1940s wished to industrialize, yet they didn't want to go the route the Americans chose and the Russians emulated...they wished to see if there were any alternatives. They called different engineers and were especially interested in the report of one man.

I seem to mention the following person a lot in this blog, I regard this man as sort of an inspirational figure I guess, the report Brazil's lead scientists were most interested in was the report of R. Buckminster Fuller who wrote them "A Compendium of Certain Engineering Principles Pertinent to Brazil's Control of Impending Acceleration in its Industrialization (1943)." Within the report (which has the coolest title for a report I've probably ever seen) Bucky told them Hydro Power and sugar fuel would be an interesting alternative to the fossil fuel template.

Brazil in the 1940s was under rule of dictator Getúlio Vargas who was one of those 1940s era proud dictator guys. Dictators think they're cool but in reality they just ruin everything for everyone else. Brazil didn't do much of anything under his rule let alone industrialize. It wasn't until the seventies that a new more intelligent and far less dictatorly Brazilian government re-perused Bucky's Compendium of Prognostications and phoned him up and flew him down to finalize implementation of this alternate industrialization template. People today wonder why Brazil is all Hydro power and is the world leader in vehicles powered by bio-fuels...but it's not lost to the history books as to why it is this way today. It was literally thanks to a Compendium of Prognostications made in 1943.

Fossil Fuels, as we all know, will eventually run out. For nature to replenish the petroleum deposits would mean it would need to re-pressurize, re-compress, and re-heat algae, vegetables and other junk until they re-fossilize and become the molecular form known as oil. Many are saying we've already hit the no-man's-land of "peak supply" but we're still just devising more obtrusive and destructive ways of reaching the hard-to-reach deposits which remain (bitumen/tar-sands for example).

It's also the most polluting form of energy. Coal burning gives off more air pollution than any other form by far, even mining the darned coal is a dangerous and dirty process that leaves workers with crippled lungs. Plus, coal gives off more radiation than nuclear plants during its burning process. 

The most damaging thing science seems to be saying about this process is the Co2 emissions are causing havoc to the global system. 

All in all, economically speaking all the infrastructure is set in place to use this form of energy but it is a limited supply and it is by far the most polluting form of energy.

Final Grade: D-

2) Nuclear Power

Renewable: No (but has a long long long life)

Pollution: Low (well, unless there's an accident then fuck)

Potential: Good

Nuclear power if done right can be great. Yet, like fossil fuels it is not renewable, because you have to mine Uranium in order to amass fissile material to use in the plant. Uranium mines are all over the world and surprisingly they are not as dangerous to the workers as coal mines but they're still not a fun place to work. Miners in Mali for Areva are paid about a buck an hour to haul uranium out of the mines.

The workaround to this limited supply of uranium seems to be to use thorium (u-233) fuel cells with the uranium which according to nuke experts will give nuke energy the life span to energize our human lives for thousand of years.

Sounds great, at least a whole lot better than using loser-ass fossil fuels that's for fucking sure. Is there any downside to nuke energy? Yeah, there is.

Chernobyl and Fukushima spring to everyone's minds when you talk about this nuclear power. Everything's chill down at the nuke plant and then all of a sudden outta nowhere it's all NEVER MIND NEAR FUTURE EXPLOSION FUCK YOU ALL RIGHT NOW !!! 

An accident in the plant will let loose radiation into an entire region. Now before people get too scared about nuke energy, you have to understand that nuclear radiation isn't as bad as many people think it is. A good chart to consult is the following,

Handy Nuke Chart: https://sslimgs.xkcd.com/blag/radiation.png

Radiation in the background is always there, all you naturalists who think you can get away from it are lying to yourselves. The fucking sun heats our planet through fucking radiation, if you don't like radiation then you'll have to hate the damn sun too.

That being said, being exposed to the "red" amounts in the above linked-to chart could be lethal, and being exposed for a long enough amount of time to "green" amounts will increase your risk of developing cancer.

The other fucked up thing about nuke energy is the by-product which has to buried. Honestly, nuke waste isn't as huge a deal as people make it out to be (although I probably wouldn't want that shit buried in my backyard)...nuke waste if handled properly won't harm nobody (probably). The bad thing is that this shit can be used to make nuclear bombs...therefore...if you want third world countries to industrialize and you give them reactors and uranium to complete that task...those countries will also develop a nuclear arsenal capable of blowing up the fucking planet. India and Pakistan threaten to blow each other up every damn day almost. Is it really a great idea to help say a third world country like Afghanistan industrialize by giving those psycho drug dealers reactors and nuclear weapons? You think the Taliban with nukes is going to be a good idea? No fucking way, dude.

The other shit thing about nuke energy is you need to cool the reactors so they don't overheat (and then overload and meltdown)...meaning they need to run in-house water cooling to preform the cooling process...and this process eats up almost 66% of the power a nuke plant creates! A fully functioning nuke plant loses 2/3 of the power it generates to cooling itself down...only 1/3 of the power generated by nuke plants is used by humans.

That thorium shit does indeed sound super-duper cool but they currently have no reactors (other than the outdated Candu) which has ever even run a test with thorium (u-233). Yes thorium would give nuke energy the ability to run for thousand of years but at this moment none of the world's current models are designed to use this material properly.

Final Grade: C-

3) Other

Renewable: Yeah

Pollution: Very Low

Potential: Good....but way down the line.

Here we be talking about Wind, Solar, Vermin Supreme's proposed zombie treadmill power plants, geo-thermal, and maybe even that kooky Tesla energy/death ray Magnifying Transmitter thingy-ma-bob that people love to talk about (maybe I'll just skip that one).

Does wind suck? Yes. Only hippies can dig that windmill shit...those towers generate shit and are a waste of space at their current tech level. Ask Germany, they'll tell you how much Wind sucks ass, balls, weiners, and vaginas.

Solar? Solar has good promise. I dig this shit. Right now the panels use too much land and generate very little but every single day science is designing panels that are more efficient and capture more and more energy. My computer that I'm using right now has been running the Harvard Clean Energy program on BOINC for a long time and apparently these calculations are saving scientists decades of time and really getting some good momentum going in the field. Haha, I like their screen saver too when my computer runs that program. It's cute. Solar's got some GREAT potential, g. Serious. Serious.

Vermin Supreme's Zombie Power? I dunno 'bout this one. It's tough to pull off. For starters, you'd have to really delve deep into the voudoun to figure out how to zombify a dude or chick's brain. I'm talking some real Baron Samedi shit to totally zombify someone's damned brain. Even if you could learn the voudoun skills necessary to zombify a mass of humans...you'd have to constantly feed them brains in order for them to have energy to run the treadmills that run the turbines of the Zombie Power Plant. All in all, the brains you'd have to harvest would make this energy template a difficult option. Thumbs down on this.

The rest? I dunno, who cares...Solar is the one with the most potential but as of right now these methods simply are not tangible options. In 100 years? Yes.

Final Score: C (mostly due to solar's potential in the future)

4) Hydro

 

Renewable: Yeah

Pollution: Pretty low, yo.

Potential: Great

We talked a bit in the fossil fuels section about Brazil, Nevada , Quebec, and Norway all going Hydro and loving it. It is a very low polluting and 100% renewable energy. You make a big dam, you let it loose and the water turns turbines and boom you got a bunch of Tera-Watts going. It's pretty cool.

People say there's no potential here, that we've capped out, and there's no more room for large scale dams. Reports I've seen from various sources, including the World Bank, suggest this is not the case at all.

Theoretically if all the possible dam locations were built all over world (which is expensive but 110% do-able and feasible) Hydro power could generate over 40,000 TerraWatt hours of yearly energy production. In the start of this article we clearly saw that the world currently needs 20,000 Terrawatt hours of energy per year. Meaning, if we maximized the hydro electric output globally we could generate TWICE the amount of power we currently use.

Africa, Asia, North America, South America, Australia, Europe, Russia, and everywhere else could dam their basins and produce double the energy output needed to run earth. Seriously. The World Bank knows this too. The reasons they state for not giving loans to countries to do this is apparently it is not "economically feasible" enough to do so.

Look, these TerraWatt energy numbers are REAL numbers that represent the energy we could produce, it's not fake fictitious gimmick numbers like currency. Currencies DON'T EXIST... they are just numbers for a fun game humans play. Apparently in today's mixed-up world, pretend numbers are more important than actual numbers. Dollars, Pounds, Rupees, Pesos, Bottle Caps, Feathers, and all these non-existent pretend numbers are taken more seriously than terrawatt-hours (which actually do fucking exist).

We all know we can literally have a low-polluting, renewable, global energy source which will output double the input we currently need/use. The reason we're not doing this is because it is not "economically feasible" for us to do it. Dang.

You know something, with the advancing technology into agriculture, energy, and medicine...we are actually dismantling supply-and-demand. We are ripping apart the mentality that there's a scarce number of resources on earth and only the privileged can have them. We will create more food than we can ever need forever, there will come a time when we will create more energy than we will ever need forever...and yet, we are still trying to apply these jabroni-ass economic principles such as "supply-and-demand" to resources that are becoming infinite. How can supply exist on an infinite renewable resource? It simply can not.

We are advancing toward a future where every single last human of the 7+ billion humans on earth can and will live like a "millionaire" with access to all the food, water, energy, and data being made available to all 7+ billion humans on earth.

Can a globally renewable and low polluting world grid of power be achieved using hydro dams?  From what I've read it seems to be the case, the problem will be implementing it.

Implementing hydro dams is not fun at all and it is costly...but the end result (if done right) will be amazing. Building the dams is very dangerous though. For example, before China built the 3-Gorges Dam they tried a previous attempt where they cut too many corners and flooded an entire region which resulted in many deaths.

Due to the land-use and possible mishaps whilst building the dams, Hydro cannot be given a perfect score...but it will be the best score of all the entries.

Final Grade: B+

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2cIGYpFA68)

Huh-huh-uh-huh-huh-huh.

Post Rating Assessment

Well, I think with all the data we have, Hydro seems to be a very good option at this juncture of humanistic time. I gave it the bestest rating...I like Hydro. I live in one of those areas mentioned that use it, I am currently running this here computer-box unit out of Quebec in jolly old Canada. So yeah, I dig it. Hydro power is cool.

Nuke would be decent for a coupla thousand years but with all the radiation and the possibility that kooky nations would build bombs and bomb the shit out of fucking people...I don't like it as much.

Oil? Fuck oil.

Coal? No way, Jose. Yeah right.

Solar got the jack to be a highly touted rookie prospect, no doubt. I hope we can further improve the efficiency of those super-slick lookin' mirror panels. They look friggin' cool too those mirrors.

Anyways...later, eh.

A Couple of Alternate Hypotheses to "The Land Bridge" Theory

I was watching that great great show "Cosmos" starring Neil Degrasse Tyson the other day and it was cool as usual. That show is pretty good, it really is. I've been into rationality since a young age and I've always kind of felt like people think I'm weird or something because of it. Even teachers in school giving me Fs just because I can't deal with bullshit religion. People think "oh he doesn't believe in god what a heathen...he's goin' to hell!" No, I don't think so, pal. There's no such thing as "hell." People think if you don't believe in some religion that you will be depressed, wrong again, the stuff I believe in actually makes me way more happy than any religion could because the stuff I'm into makes sense and can actually benefit humanity. I'm happy a show like Cosmos is back and showing that the things rational people think about are very uplifting and interesting.

Cosmos is getting good ratings it looks like: (http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/tv-ratings-foxs-cosmos-pulls-687189)

People are interested in this and I hope parents watch this show with their kids so the next generation can get started on the right foot and have a basic understanding of how things operate in this cute little Scenario called Universe we got going on here. Kids will dig it because the special effects are done very well and the visuals will really catch a younger audience's attention.

I also really dig that it has a comedic slant to it, it's lead in is Fox's cartoon shows and the producer of the new Cosmos is Seth Macfarlane who is a funny guy. I think comedy and humor is the most important thing humans have and explaining anything difficult is always more enjoyable to the audience if it's done in a light-hearted and humorous way.

Ok, so the show rules, that's for sure, but I do have to make one small critique of one small statement made in the last episode regarding "land bridges."

Land Bridges

In Episode 9, Neil presents the theory of land bridges explaining why certain species of flora and fauna appear on both sides of the ocean (i.e. on Brazil and similarly on Africa)...stating that land bridges were suggested to be the reason, these bridges being land masses that are now under the ocean and cease to be visible.

In the next segment he promptly refutes this theory and we are treated to a nice animation of one Marie Tharp and her work into researching tectonic plates. The real reason as to why certain flora and fauna appear on both sides of the Atlantic Ocean is explained that it was due to those land masses being one singular unit in the past. Yes, before the moving of the tectonic plates, both those land masses were connected. The continents look like puzzle pieces for a reason, it is because they used to be one singular land mass before breaking up.

A few segments down the line, we are given another land bridge theory, very quickly stating that the aboriginal populations of the Americas came to be here by crossing a land bridge that is now under water/ice (usually referred to as the Bering Strait bridge).

It seemed odd that the first theory of land bridges was quickly debunked and falsified on the show yet the second land bridge explanation was just sort of a quick aside/throw-a-way statement with no follow-up.

I would like to offer two alternate theories as to how the Native Americans came to the Americas for the sake of argument.

Theory 1: Ocean-Faring

It always strikes me odd and even offensive when people say things like "Columbus Discovered America!" because it doesn't make much sense. If he discovered it then why were there people already fucking there?

I sometimes feel that this mind set that people tend to believe that Europeans were this advanced culture and everyone else was savage and retarded is maybe the most ridiculous thing ever. The Land-Bridge theory of how the Natives got to the Americas strikes me as being part of this backward mindset as well. It seems like people came up with this theory whilst thinking along the lines of "Well, how did a bunch of savages get here? They are too stupid to use boats so I guess they must have walked."

If you know anything about Maritime and Sea-Faring history then you probably know that small wooden vessels, wind-powered vessels, man-powered vessels, and even deep-bellied cargo ships were being used way before the "exploration age" of the Europeans. Deep-bellied vessels which were able to hold cargo were being used way back in B.C. times by many different cultures around the world (from Africa, to Arabia, to Asia, etc.).

South East Asia is the major concern for this theory, although any sea-faring culture could have made it to North America, South East Asians are by far the likely culture to have done so. It is a theory I first came across in Critical Path and it seems to check out.

Does the current physiognomy of Native Americans look similar to Africans? No. Europeans? No, not really. What about South East Asians? I'd say it's much closer than anything else.

It's like a chain those islands...it goes Philippines, Malaysia, Indonesia, Papua, Solomon Islands, Vanatu, Fiji, Samoa, Rapa Nui/Easter Island (the one with the Face Statues).....then next thing you know, boom, your island hopping adventure has landed you in South America.

MoAi

Carbon dating places the construction of the Moai statues on Rapa Nui island at around 1200 A.D., that's quite a few centuries ahead of Colombus. Rapa Nui is dead smack in the middle of the Pacific Ocean...how could people have been there building Moais in 1200? This island is only accessible by ship...there's is no other option of getting to Rapa Nui.

Are you with me? Obviously if island hoppers in their vessels from South East Asia were able to get to Rapa Nui (which is way out in the Pacific) then obviously they could get to the South American landmass. It's literally that simple.

The whole "Land Bridge" theory, I really believe, is for Euro-descended peoples to pretend other cultures didn't have technology. Obviously someone took a boat to Rapa Nui because there's no other way to access it. Island hopping down East Asia and over the Pacific is BY FAR the most likely means that they accessed South America.

Theory 2: Boats n' Snow

That covers the South pretty good. It's pretty obvious and the proof of the Moais does tend to show that white Europeans were not the first people to construct deep-bellied ocean-faring vessels. Yet, what about the North? Does the Bering Strait land bridge still hold up in explaining Inuit migrations?

I don't think it applies in this case either.

Episode 9 of Cosmos claimed that the migration took place whilst the ice was melted and a land bridge exposed itself. Is that the only way those Inuits could have managed to migrate to North America, by patiently waiting millions of years for an ice age to end and then politely walking over the exposed land bridge and settling down in northern North America.

I don't know about that, it's another cop out to say that Inuits were a backward people who couldn't do anything other than walk around like bozo-clowns all day. We're talking about people who adapted to live in the coldest climate on friggin' earth, you need some insight into tech and survival to do that.

They wore the skins of the animals they hunted to stay warm, they fished seals and whales out of the water (yes big huge whales), they built convex heat-trapping ice-block domes which kept them warm at night (the interior of a well built igloo is actually hot thanks to the body warmth of the people inside it).

You're telling me that people who could manipulate snow and ice to STAY WARM (that's pretty hard to do), people who could hunt fucking whales, people who made snow-shoes to walk great distances in snow and ice, people who tamed fucking wolves to pull their sleds for them (bad-ass)....are the same people who waited politely for nature to gradually melt the Arctic so they could politely cross some fabled "land bridge"?

I don't know about that, I think the Inuits just crossed the Arctic with wolves and kayaks when it was cold as fuck and barely even gave two or three cares about it.

It is perfectly 100% plausible that they crossed the strait using seal-skin re-enforced Kayaks. Researchers claim the oldest kayak known to them is over 4000 years old meaning these bad-ass Inuits were kayaking over small bodies of water for a good four thousand years.

Conclusion

I love the new Cosmos show it is 100% bad as can but I did take a small umbrage with one small statement made on it in the May 4th airing.

I do believe that this Land Bridge explanation of how Natives got to the Americas is a cop out by historians to try and portray the people in the Americas who were present prior to Euro-peoples as stupid savages who's only skill and technology they possessed was the ability to walk. That is totally not true in the least.

People who arrived in South America obviously had ocean-faring vessels prior to the European "age of exploration" and were by no means the savages many historians claim them to be.

The same is true for the Inuk people of the North, they obviously had to be pretty intelligent to devise a means to adapt to the harshest and coldest climate on earth. I'm sure they had little trouble kayaking and wolf-sledding over the Arctic...they are obviously bad ass people.

Poet Laureate and Wrestler, Ultimate Warrior, Is no More....

The Ultimate Warrior was known mainly for his ability to get insanely PUMPED and his penchant for clothes-lining dudes fucking heads off, but few people really commend the fellow for his prose.

Was the Ultimate Warrior the greatest poet of all time? Many would argue otherwise yet are they simply dismissing him and his poetic abilities simply because he doesn't look like the average poet? When people ponder who the greatest poet of all time was...do they simply discard the Warrior due to him not fitting the mold of what they believe a poet should look like?


Poets usually look like this:

Dainty, Fragile, Wimpy, etc.

Poets don't usually tend to look like this:

Streamers, Face Paint, Championship Belt, etc.

In order to assess his abilities with the utmost of justice, his poems must be presented in text similarly to how older-school poets submitted their works.



Let's Play a Game

This game is called "Wordsworth, Blake, or Warrior" and the rules are simple. Three snippets of poetry will be presented and the reader must simply guess which is attributed to William Wordsworth, which is attributed to William Blake, and which of the three snippets is attributed to the Ultimate Warrior.


SET A

1.  

"When a sinister person means to be your enemy, they always start by trying to become your friend. It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."

2.

"So let us not be impatient, for only desperate men act with impatience. How should I prepare?  Should I jump off the tallest building in the world?  Should I lie on the lawn and let them run over me with lawnmowers?  Or, should I go to Africa and let them trample me with raging elephants?"

3.

"Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark, And shares the nature of infinity. For I have learned to look on nature, not as in the hour of thoughtless youth, but hearing oftentimes the still, sad music of humanity."



SET B

1.

"Every man's heart one day beats its final beat. His lungs breathe its final breath. And if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the bodies of others; If it makes them believe deeper in something larger than life; than his essence, his spirit, will be immortalized."


2.

"Without contraries is no progression. Attraction and repulsion, reason and energy, love and hate, are necessary to human existence... I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow." 

3.

"Life is divided into three terms - that which was, which is, and which will be. Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, and from the present, to live better in the future."



SET C

1.

"Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting. Not in entire forgetfulness, and not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory do we come. One impulse from a vernal wood May teach you more of man, Of moral evil and of good, Than all the sages can."

2.

"What is grand is necessarily obscure to weak men. That which can be made explicit to the idiot is not worth my care... The man who never alters his opinions is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind."

3. 

"No Sleep. No Food. No Nothing. Just Maniacism. As a skeleton we still walk as Ultimate Maniacs therefore what are you gonna do? Bury us now?"



SET D

1.

"I saw the walls. Walls that build them with fear. Dig your claws into my organs, scratch into my tendons, bury your anchors into my bones. Nightmares are the best part of my day. The desire to withstand the pain, and give you the utmost."

2.

"To see a world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wild flower Hold infinity in the palms of your hand and eternity in an hour."

3. 

"That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind."



Answers

Set A: 1. Blake, 2. Warrior, 3. Wordsworth
Set B: 1. Warrior, 2. Blake, 3. Wordsworth
Set C: 1. Wordsworth, 2. Blake, 3. Warrior
Set D: 1. Warrior, 2. Blake, 3. Wordsworth


Assessment

William Wordsworth and William Blake are like fucking legends when it comes to poetry and prose and shit...but don't you feel they come off as a bit preachy and emo? I do. Also, did either Blake or Wordsworth ever hold the Intercontinental or Heavy Weight Championship at any point of their lives? No, not even close.

Is it then safe to conclude that they were total jabronies and not the greatest poets of all time as everyone seems to claim they are? Probably.

Ultimate Warrior? More like ULTIMATE POET EVER.

General Retrospective: Who Will be Remembered as The King of Trash TV?

Trash TV is officially dead, its run is over. Talk shows now a days fall into a very basic formula which promote various products (actors, actresses, consumer goods, etc.). The wild wild west known as Trash which brutalized the air waves for a good 30 years seems to be on its last legs. So, now that the genre is officially accepted as being close to or already dead, it is a good time to take a look back and attempt to crown a champion.

Some TeeVee historians tend argue the founder of the genre was one Alan Burke...who in the 60s would do an open show in front of a live studio audience which would sometimes be filled with very conservative people mixed in with the hippies/yippies of the era. The open audience would tend to boil over at times and it would get sort of unruly at times.

When other people started to emulate this genre, they not only tended to let small melees boil over in the audience but actively began to willingly encourage it or even plant actors in the audience to incite/instigate bedlam.

We shall focus on four particular hosts (or 3 and 1 honorable mention more like it). These 3 people are in my opinion the finalists for being King of Trash TV.

Preamble

To be considered as King of Trash, the show in question must have been highly controversial or even completely retarded, it must have been filmed before a rowdy or even asininely feral studio audience, and the studio audience must have been allowed to express opinions upon the subject matter despite how silly or fringe those opinion may have been.

One notable omission is the Howard Stern show. This show is more a of an interview/comedy show more consistent with a late night formula than the Trash genre. The "Channel 9" version of the Stern show is close to meeting the criterion of Trash yet I would still classify that show in the genre of a comedy/interview late night program. It displayed many of the qualities of a Trash genre program yet it is definitely not caste in the Trash format and thus is not considered. Stern may indeed be the self-proclaimed "King of All Media" yet he is surely not King of Trash.

Total jabronies who are worthy of mention but who did not make the final cut: Donahue, Sally Jesse Raphael, Joan "Skeletor" Rivers, Wally George, that big one Ricky Lake, Geraldo, Maury, Steve Wilkos, etc.

If anyone is unclear of what the Trash Genre is, the following is a short parody by Mr. Weird Al which sums up the genre quite compactly...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9c4uYfYn3Q)

Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced into Weight Loss Programs!

On to The Trash

1. Jerry Springer

Sub-Genre: Scripted Trash
Show Biz Percentage: 100%

The poster boy of the genre himself, the mayor of Cincinnati turned Trash iconoclast. This was the show that really honed the facets of the genre that selled to the audience best and took the Trash genre to its epitome and peak level. 

The things that sold best were ridiculous ass shit, fights, tits, and just general weirdness. The producers figured out that if you script all the fights and pay women to show tits then you can have this each and every single show. The cutest thing on this show was after all this scripted nonsense was done...Jerry would offer up a sobering and downright silly "final thought" to attempt to summarize the circus that had just ensued. The "final thought" segment was so darned odd that it was pretty hilarious. You'd have like 21 straight minutes of brawls from some whacky hill billy lesbian love triangle...and then Springer would read his inner most and somberest thoughts concerning lesbian hill billy love triangles as per prepared for him before hand.

Sobering thought...

I think this show is still on which is literally like kicking a dead horse at this point. In this case I guess it is literally like marrying a dead horse at this point I should say (if you watched this show back in the day, a fellow indeed came on to marry a horse once).

Since it is scripted, 100% show-biz, and mostly features actors it is hard to laugh at it sometimes, but the scripted whackos still rarely fail at being funny. Everything considered, this was a pretty decent program.


2. Morton Downey Jr.

Morton is mediating...

Sub-Genre: RAW 
Show Biz Percentage: 25%

Oh goodness. Morton Downey Jr., oh my goodness. This was a wild one, and I really believe close to 3/4 of this mess was not a shtick. They put two opposing groups of people into a room, surrounded them by a non-screened studio audience, and refereed it with an in-yer-face chain-smoking maniac.

The format was Loudmouth #1 vs. Loudmouth #2 vs. Loudmouth #3. Three or four guests expressing usually fringe and polarized opinions. Downey remained unbiased to the discussion and mainly just told everyone they were wrong and that they were idiots in order to fire them up and get them to open up about even more or their opinions.

The thing I like the most I think on this show is when a heckler is getting loud and crazy...they don't kick the person out...Downey summons him down to the stage a la Rod Roddy or goes into the crowd and fishes them out and gets them to a mic to express whatever opinion they are hooting or hollering about. Chances are its either gonna be funny, crazy, or insane but it will be heartfelt and real that's for sure. Sometimes they were opinions that may well have been correct but were simply too harsh that no one wanted to admit they were true.

One day it might be jezus freaks, wiccan weirdoes, and new-age kooks yelling at each other whilst being presided over by Dracula (note: the lady with the poodle head hair is the only person in this episode not in costume). Another day it might be rap stars versus white supremacists or some other volatile situation. How 'bout one about cult experts versus nutty scientologists? That one's good too.

He'll even get all post-modern and existential on you and do a rude talk show episode about rude talk show hosts. Hey, why not?

The piece de resistance may have been a show in a rented out Apollo Theater, with a sold out audience of rabid christians, gathered together for a good old fashion debate between atheists and christians. The rowdiness and fights that break out in the Apollo were not scripted...that's raw right there. The only thing that was scripted in this debacle was when he dumped water on "loudmouth #2"...the guest obviously had a hat ready to take out to sell the gag.

Downey passed away over a decade ago from lung cancer (the chain-smoking got 'em) but this show left its mark for better or worse.



3. Timothy Stack

Sub-Genre: Parody/Satire
Show Biz Percentage: 110%

You've probably seen T. Stack pop up somewhere here or there on some show or other. He's a longtime character actor. Here for example he's bit playing some bit on Seinfeld and you've probably seen him some other place on some show...probably.

He's sort of forgettable I guess, but on the two shows where he was given the headline time he really had some moments. Stack was of course Notch Johnson on the Bay Watch parody show "Son of The Beach" and he was also Trash TeeVee host Dick Dietrick on the short lived "Night Stand."

Trash Talk was already done-to-death at this point and this parody version was probably the best way to go with the genre. It is a stage show more than a Trash Talk but the audience is there and allowed to yell and stuff so it meets the criterion.

It's odd to parody things that are basically ridiculous to being with. I love that movie Black Dynamite for example which is a parody of Dolemite...and Dolemite was incredibly ridiculous to begin with meaning the parody became a parody of a parody which makes it a Dual-Parody. Stack's "Son of The Beach" parody of Baywatch fits the mold of a compounded Dual-Parody as does his work in Night Stand.

How do you parody Morton Downey Jr. or Springer? The end result will be stupidity multiplied by 2 is what it will be. Stupid times stupid is stupid squared. Double Stupid is something original at least...it's not something you see everyday anyway. Having more stupidity is better than having no stupidity.


4. Honorable Mention: Wally Sparks

Sub-Genre: Fiction 
Show Biz Percentage: 110%

This was a film about a rude talk show host starring the Legend of Comedy Legends Mr. Rodney Dangerfield.

The son of a respected governor thinks it would be a hoot to invite his hero, trash talksman extraordinaire Wally Sparks, to a ritzy party his father is hosting. Misfortune erupts as Sparks gets injured whilst accidentally riding a horse through the gathering. The governor reluctantly lets Sparks host his show at his mansion while he heals his wounds. As you'd expect all kinds of ruckus breaks out and Sparks does what he can to boost ratings and deliver the sleeziest trash teevee from the governor's mansion.

This movie isn't that good...it's not an A+ Rodney movie by any stretch but it should still be included in this retrospective. I've wrote a comedy oriented blog for like a few years now and I've never once even mentioned Rodney yet....so squeezing him in here seems like a good moment.

Rodney is a freaking amazing comedian, top 5 of all time no doubt, but he's definitely not the King of Trash Teevee (at least not in real life).



Drum Roll Pleeeeeeeeease.....


The Official King of the deceased genre known as Trash TV is...

 

It was between him and Springer and though Springer is a funnier show, Downey's show was plain nuts. He was not necessarily always a likeable dude but his show was intense and freaking wild. It's probably the one and only legit trash talk show that ever existed. Some parts of it were literally crazy and at some times it was so raw it was freakin' real as fuck. More real than anything you'll see on a so-called "reality" show on modern day TV that's for sure.

(Ihttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYdoZRVYEjs)

 

"Ya Drug Dealin', Slime Sucking Son of a BITCH....I hope that you die sloooooooooooow"

-Morton Downey Jr. (1932 - 2001)

EDIT (Sept. 20/2014): I gave Downey props for doing an odd idea of doing a rude talk show about rude talk show hosts. The idea was kind of silly yet highly original. I recently watched this episode of the Bill Boggs Midday show in which he did a talk show of a talk show host talking to other talk show hosts about doing talk shows:

here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQJeSJ45vjE

Seeing as Bill Boggs was the producer of the Morton Downey Jr. Show, I'm gonna go and assume that the idea of doing an episode of a rude talk show host interviewing rude talk show hosts about doing rude talk shows was in fact Bill Boggs's so the props for that original idea should be given to Boggs.

A Crimean War? What Year is This? 1853?

Protests broke out en masse in the Ukraine after the Ukrainian government cancelled a free trade agreement with the European Union.

I'm not going to pretend to understand the ethnic/socio/linguistic history of the region and any feuds the sects of people living there have. Squabbles of a racial/tribal/cultural nature are pointless and can never be mediated or resolved because there is no actual problem to identify and solve and thus the cycles of hate usually wind up spinning for eternity.

Yet since the initial spark that set the thing off was due to a cancelled trade agreement...is it correct to assume this is an economic issue? If it is, then the answer to the conflict may lie in the domain of mathematical formula(es).

Once you are out of the murky waters of the silly tribal or linguistic reasons for conflicts and enter into the domain of the world's only official and accepted language (Math) then maybe some actual reasoning can take place.

Ukrainian Economic Analysis

GDP: 176 Billion
Global Economic Power Ranking: 54/193
Style of Govt.: Gangsterism
Population: ~46 million
Grade: D-

Ukraine has the population and the scientific literacy rates to be a B grade economy yet it is it is being hindered by various factors.

After the fall of the soviet union many satellite states of that "union" (it was not a popular union) were left having to start their economies again from scratch. The soviet production chain had factories all over making specialized parts mostly for stupid war gadgets. So something like the tank tread factory was in one area, the turret factory was in another region and maybe Ukraine had a munitions factory...etc, etc, etc all sending the parts to be assembled in another factory in another region of the soviet union.

When the union collapsed in 1991 these specialized war gadget factories closed down. The supply chain become obsolete because no one was assembling these tank parts (or whatever widget) and the specialized factories making these parts closed.

With a blank sheet of paper to start any sort of industry to power its economy, the future may have looked pretty bright for the Ukraine. They could have gone high-tech, they could have gone to electronics, or anything really. The sad reality of the matter was the governments in these newly formed independent countries were not formed by the brightest and best individuals in the region...but for the most part formed by the most dangerous gangsters in the region.

So the Ukrainian economy of today isn't at its full potential. The only high tech production is in the aerospace industry, the Ukraine relies for much of its GDP on old school shit like coal mining. It has a lot of great potential yet the corruption and gangsterism has handicapped that potential greatly.

People in the Ukraine understand this and know they want better. They have the option of throwing their economic poker chips in with two catalyst organizations and the options are the following...

Options

To keep any nationalistic/historic/etc biases from clouding the economic analysis of their "options" so to speak we will refer to the economic catalystic organizations as Option A and Option B.

Option A

GDP: ~17 Trillion
Global Ranking: 1/193
Style of Govt.: Varying (party-democracy, pseudo-democracy, gangsterism)
Population: 507 million
Grade: A

Their first option boasts some pretty decent numbers for an economic organization. Throwing their chips into this pot with the right agreement would be pretty tempting.


Option B

GDP: ~2 Trillion
Global Ranking: 8/193
Style of Govt: Pseudo-Democracy
Population: ~145 million
Grade: B

Option B is ok too. It's this nice country with a lot of potential. The style of government is a bit odd. They use this sort of revolving door gimmick to bypass the term limit law (max time a head of government can serve) and basically the same guy has been the head of state for 12 years and has 4 years left in his current term (in 2018 he will be head of state for 16 years).

A good cut off year where you can no longer be called "head of state" and might have to be referred to as a "dictator" a la Gaddafi or Castro is probably a nice round number like 15 years. When the head of state crosses the 15 year mark I think its style of government variable can be changed to "Dictatorship" instead of "Pseudo-Democracy."

Ukraine has already been in a union with this organization in the past.


Decisions, Decisions....

Who would you throw your chips in with? Option A or Option B?

I'm sure you've figured it out but...

Option A is the European Union
Option B is Russia

Many would come to the conclusion that Option A is the wise decision.

As stated in the first paragraph in this article, the protests started the day after the Ukrainian Government rejected a free trade deal with the European Union. I understand the protesters anger I think, it seems like a logical decision to want to deal with the EU.

I mean why reject throwing your chips in with the Number 1 economy on earth at this moment to sign on with an under achieving sinking ship that just spent 51 billion dollars of tax payers money on a stupid skiing exhibition? It seems like a bad idea.


Is There An Option C?

Is it possible that they could have free trade agreements with BOTH the EU and Russia thus maximizing their economic opportunities full scale? I don't know...there's too much bullshit in the way.

I mean theoretically all three concerned parties in this region could realize we are living in 2014 and become best of pals, get along, and start devoting their time and efforts to the advancement of science and maybe even getting started on the infrastructure for the Global Power Hyper-Grid in that area.

But what's more likely going to happen is they are going to conveniently bypass the fact that we are currently in the year 2014, they will pretend we are living in the year 18-fucking-53...and have a second Crimean War.

Whatever, at least people get to play with those cool gun toys. That's going to be fun for them. Shooting guns and having a fun war is cool too.

Is Freshness the Reason Behind the Hate On for P.K. Subban?

A lot of people were wondering why the reigning Norris trophy winner and excellent hockey player P.K. Subban was benched during the Olympic games in Sochi.

I was excited to watch these games and was sort of disappointed that Subban only appeared in 11 minutes of one game during the entire tournament.

Everyone seems to hate on Subban all the time, all the time, over somewhat pointless things and I'm not sure I understand it.

One thing is for sure, he doesn't look like your average NHL player. He looks more like an athlete you'd find in the NBA, or NFL, or MLB than someone you'd find in the NHL. He's charismatic and flashy...he's rather Fresh, I'd say.

He has an urban flair to himself that is more common in other sports. The NBA especially has the most urban feel to it, The NBA has a sort of hip hop persona that gives it a lot of flavor. Urban freshness is not only accepted in the NBA but encouraged.

The NFL is the next most "fresh" sport, and even MLB baseball which was once regarded to be as "country club" a sport as golf has a had a major make over during the last five decades or so.

Yet even baseball shuns urban elements as not being part of its image. Take the case of Lastings Milledge who created a big hub-bub over releasing a rap album while in the Mets triple-A organization. (Article by Deadspin on Lasting's rap fiasco).

The writer in the article linked above states this would have caused no one to look twice if it were the NBA and Milledge was releasing a rap album, but baseball doesn't want "rap" in its image. It still sort of wants to retain a golf-esque country club atmosphere to its institution...which is odd considering only 63% of baseball players are still howdy doody white guys in the present era.

I don't know if anyone's really noticed...but there's not a whole lot of guys in the NHL who are not howdy doody farm boys. In fact Subban might be the only player in the NHL today who could be described as being "urban."

Which begs the question...


NHL: Fear of Freshness?

Is fear of freshness a real phobia that I didn't make up? Of course it is, it's called Chill-A-Phobia and it's not a made a up mental condition by any means.

The NHL comes across as being super uptight and lame...

Please read the following article: http://sports.nationalpost.com/2013/02/02/don-cherry-is-glad-to-see-the-end-of-the-p-k-subban-carey-price-triple-low-five/

It details the shocking behavior displayed by Subban which SHOCKED an entire nation. What did he do? Well, he had the nerve to dare to preform a "triple low five."

What is it? Well, as opposed to the "high five" which we are all familiar with, Subban and his teammate Carey Price would turn the high five upside-down and preform the greeting/soul-shake at a below-knee vantage point...and then had the audacity to multiply the quantity of the "fives" by three resulting in the aforementioned "triple low five."

Can you believe it? That someone would turn a high five upside down and raise the frequency by 2 units? It's....it's....it's....deplorable is what it is. I myself was shocked, amazed, and horrified (that so much could be so compromised).

The TLF was banned by the Canadiens organization in response to the collective shock that the nation felt whilst viewing this obscene gesture by Subban and Price.

Now if you're sitting there and thinking to yourself..."wait, what? All this fuss over a low-five? What the flying fuck?" then you are probably a good and normal person. Yet to truly understand the shock generated by this you really have to immerse yourself in the customs of the region to truly understand why this was such a huge deal.

Canada Itself: A Fear of Freshness?

It's time for some Canadian trivia !!

Didja know: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air starring Will Smith was originally banned in Canada? It's a fact jack.

Didja Know: Milk comes in these weird ass bags in Canada because Mennonites in Alberta believed milk in cartons promoted promiscuity and lobbied the government to outlaw milk in cartons? You can't make this shit up even if you tried.

Canada is kind of weird sometimes. Its leader for instance is an Evangelical Christian who doesn't believe in evolution. It can be sort of an odd place at times.

The average Canadian person spends their day cutting down trees or some thing like that, then at night they say their prayers to their beloved God, and then they fall asleep with pleasant dreams of painting the Queen of England's toe-nails.

They are a simple agrarian society who lead very boring lives. Hockey is the one saving grace that they can hope for. Hockey represents the golden ray of hope that every illiterate Canadian huckster can become a multi-millionaire.

Forget just millionaire, it's a way for an illiterate man to be appointed to government and live off tax payers money. For example, take Jacques Demers who is 100% illiterate but was appointed a senator and is now an official in the Canadian government. What other country on earth could you be both illiterate and a government official? Wow what a place!

The image the NHL is going for...is the Super Hoser image. The prototype is the illiterate good ole country boy who rose against all odds and made a million bucks and got his name into the hall of fame. You can do it too! Your illiterate in-bred son who drinks paint all day can have his name in the hall of fame too!

Now, P.K. Subban is the furthest thing from an illiterate in-bred country boy. Some might say he's even breaking the mold and adding a real urban flavor to the NHL...and most if not all hard-line traditionalists don't like this very much.

NHL: Time to Catch Up?

Look, there are seven big huge sports leagues in the Americas and their popularity and revenue go in this order:

1. NFL
2. MLB
3. Formula 1
4. NBA
5. PGA
6. CONMEBOL (South American Soccer League)
7. NHL
8. PGBA (Professional Girls Badmington Association)

The popularity of the NHL in the Americas is over-estimated at best by its fans. A new image really wouldn't hurt a silly ass league that makes a fuss about low-fivin'.

The only thing that sells the league right now is the fighting. If they took fighting out of hockey no one outside of 5 cities would ever go to any more games.

I've seen the NHL referred to on the internet as "furpuck" lately. It seems people are implying that if all sports were porno genres then the porno genre most comparable to the NHL would be a disturbing niche porn like furry porn. It's mean and I would never compare anything, even my worst enemy to furry porn (which is an abomination to the eyes and brain)...but I just want to point out that most people view the NHL as being super lame and with good reason.

I found the MLB's reaction to Lastings Milledge's rap album as being way over the top and silly...so I have a hard time understanding a league like the NHL who can't even handle "low fives" without getting their panties in a knot...it is almost unheard of to even think about how that's even possible.

In Conclusion

Now, this is a story all about how

Triple Low Fives turned the NHL upside down
And I like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how P.K. became the prince of the NHL

In west Ontario born and raised
On the playground was where he spent most of his days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some slaphshots outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin being super lame in the neighborhood

I whistled for a cab and when it came near

The license plate said fresh and it had a CH in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Montréal'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of The NHL

A little bit of freshness never hurt nobody. GO HABS GO! 

The Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages!

I've wroted blog articles (bloticles?) on all sorts of shit. The ones that get most of the hits are the silly ones about video games though. So, here's one 'bout video games.

Well, I must say I do enjoy a nice video game every now and then. A nice warm cup of tea, a relaxing arm or wing chair...and a good old fashioned side-scroller or two. Sometimes I feel like a nice Super Mammal Side Scroller if I find the fancy. If I must say, at times, I do indeed find the fancy. Without any further meaningless set-up, I would like to now present the award for Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages.

The finalists for this prestigious award are: 

- Cheetah Men 2 (by Active Enterprises)

- Bio Force Ape (by SETA)

Obvious Omission

I'm a let me finish, but yo, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have had some of the best damn sides-crollers of all time.

 

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f49OKDTQZwk)

Da Da Du-Da-Du Da DA! 

Ok, yes it is true that the TMNT games on NES were the shit (the motherfucking shit) but the fact remains that Leo, Raph, Donnie, and Mikey are not mammals...those guys are reptiles, dude. Reptiles have cold blood, but mammals have warm blood....and, I think reptiles stalk their prey with heat vision.

Either way, no Ninja Turtle side scrollahs can be considered for Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages due to them not being mammals. Thus they are obviously omitted from consideration for that sole reason.

Moving on,

Cheetah Men 2

Listen to this good ass shit right here,

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkmbbZZOgKg)

Neer-Neer--Na-Na-NEEEER! Neer-Neer-Na-Na-NEEEER!

Yeah, that's the beats right there. That makes me feel like dancin' on the jack groove (maybe even the jack move n' groove). Hold up check this out...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7b0pp9O4Ec)
REMIX !!!

Those Cheetah Mans know how to get down. Anyways, who are the Cheetah Men?

Oh fuck you, Morbis.

Story Synopsis: The unrelentlessly evil Dr. Morbis murders a cheetah whilst vacationing in the vast Serengeti region of Africa. The dastardly mad scientist proceeds to kidnap her three cheetah cubs and keep them as prisoners in his lab.

Dr. Morbis preforms terrible genetic experiments on the poor defenseless cheetah cubs. By the time they reach adolescence they became fully cognizant cheetah-men (half-cheetah / half-man men).

Realizing the evil intent of Dr. Morbis our three protagonists Aries, Apollo, and Hercules break out of the lab and vow revenge on Dr. Morbis. In defense Morbis creates dozens of evil genetic monstrosities to kill the Cheetah Men ranging from half-man/half-hyenas to half-man/half-rhinos...to the dreaded Ape-Man.

Is this game good? NO.

It was only released on something called "action-52" which sold 52 games on one cartridge. The reason this cartridged had 52 games on it but cost the same price as a cartridge with one game on it is because all 52 games sucked ass and were bad.

It sucks, man. Like things don't even blow up when you kill them or anything...they just disappear. What kind of side-scroller doesn't make the things you kill blow up or explode? A stupid side scroller that's what kind.

Cheetah Men 2 has good music for a DJ to spin at one of those drug-people rave-parties...but it's not a good video game. No way, Jose.

Final Score: -34/100

Bio Force Ape

Intense Mine Cart Level

Story Synopsis: BFA is a pretty crazy dude, man. He was once the pet monkey of a brilliant non-mad scientist yet when a rival science gang kidnaps the non-mad scientist and his family...the monkey gets super pissed off and drinks a vial of serum from the research lab and undergoes a mass transmogrification into a roided up testerone-ridden Super Ape Man hellbent on all sorts of crazy revenge.

BFA has to track down the kidnapped individuals through 3 levels and obstacles aplenty stand in his way. Henchmens, half-man / half-bees, half-man / half-crocodiles, and all sorts of shit don't want BFA to achieve his goal.

Guys you kill in this game don't blow up either though...but at least they fly off the screen pretty ceremoniously. If it's a sub-boss or a boss, they get reversed german-suplexed, piledrived, or perfect-plexed...and THEN fly off the screen ceremoniously. So it's all good.

Is this game good? Yeah, I guess.

It's not as bad as Cheetah Men 2 but it's certainly no Turtles in Time that's for god damned friggin' sure. It's by no stretch a Metal Slug and that's a fact jack. Yet, this game has some pretty fluid (6?)-frames-per-second animations and at least BFA is a fucking bad ass dude who knows a heckuva lot of wrestling moves. Plus, a lotta games have minecart levels but not many are as intense as the BFA minecart level, son.

Final Score: 39/100 

Well it looks like Bio Force Ape by SETA is the Super Mammal Side Scroller of the....wait...hold the phone....

A CHALLENGER APPEARS

Yester-damn-day, someone got tired of Super Mammal Side Scrollers sucking and released what appears to be a genuine Super Mammal Side-Scroller and it might very well give these Cheetah Mens and Bio Force Apes a run for their money when it comes to crowning a SMSS of the Ages.

This game was made by the same great people who made Abobo's Big Adventure so you know this game is on the up-and-up right off the bat. 

Story Synopsis: A gorilla was chilling way down in the jungle deep, doing his thing and not bothering nobody when an evil corporation happened upon him and straight up kidnapped him. 

The mad scientists brought the poor gorilla to the corporation's lab where they routinely test products on poor defenseless animals. They had a new line of chainsaws and pogo sticks coming to market and they decided to test them out on their new gorilla specimen. Naturally they removed his arms and replaced them with chainsaws and then obviously removed his legs and replaced them with a pogo stick. For good measure they hot wired his frame to an internal super computer which gave him advanced bionic six-million-dollar-man-esque capabilities.

Turns out this wasn't a good idea as the Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla escaped from the lab and now has to navigate his way through various sub-basements of the facility in order to reach the top and exact revenge...BIONIC CHAINSAW POGO REVENGE !!!

Is this game good? Yeah.

Yo, when you kill stuff in this game it blows up, that's for damn sure. Even christmas trees and vending machines were blowing up into bloody messes of blood and explosions. Man, I was holding down the pogo button, the chainsaw-spin button, and the extendo-chainsaw-spin button all at the same time and rushing through the levels...everything in those levels was getting blowed up, exploding, and bleeding, and dying around me...I was like..."holy, shit."

I thought I had a seizure...but I didn't. I think my brain was just trying to tell me that this is The Super Mammal Side-Scroller of the Ages that it had for so long been seeking.

Man alive. Man alive. Some of the power-ups in this game are vicious and awesome, and they are all yelled at you when you get them by Roger Barr's iconic voice-over voice. MEGA-SAWS! EXTENDO-SAWS! MASSIVE DAMAGE! DEATH SPIKE! SHADOW CLONES! PROJECTILES! INVINCIBLE! 

Dang, that cat Roger Barr really seems to enjoy yelling...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhmeElUNjbw)
 
He has a legitimate qualm with the Goonies, I must say.

Anyways, like Abobo's Big Adventure this game is FREE, bro. So yeah, play it...

Here: http://games.adultswim.com/bionic-chainsaw-pogo-gorilla-action-online-game.html

Conclusion

Over the vast intertwining years in the calendar of life there has no doubt been many Super Mammal Side-Scrollers yet only one game can be Of the Ages and that game without any regret, second guessing, or further deliberation can be declared...

Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla.