Odd Topics People have Chosen to Rap about...

Mr. T once engaged in a conversation which ensued as follows,

"Mr. T: Rappin' is a way of saying' knock knock.

Audience: Who's there?

Mr. T: Me! Open the door and listen to what I got to say."

-T., Mr., "Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!" (see: the section on Rappin')

This statement is true, Rappin' is a great method for someone to express themselves and their opinions on life. Many people over the course of the last 40 years have chosen to use Rappin' in that fashion, they have rapped about: how tough life is, love, their neighborhoods, how much they enjoy using or selling illegal substances, how dangerous their gang is, and a myriad of other topics. It seems that the topic list may be running short, as people have taken to rappin' about seemingly odd topics.

The following songs are such cases...rap topics that make you scratch your head a bit and think "why are they rappin' 'bout that?" The entries will be filtered to exclude really bad rap and completely inane rap. This isn't about bad rappers, it's about rappers who rap about odd topics (though some may be quite awful mind you).

But before we begin, we must first debunk and clarify a song which has made people scratch their heads over a specific lyric which is not what they may believe it to be.

Betty White?

Betty has been re-launched into super-stardom of late, and has apparently been pre-approved by her local branch for unlimited Gangsta Cred. But, was Betty's gangsta cred a misunderstanding? It appears so.

In Dr. Dre's 1992 smash-hit rapsong "Deep Cover" he makes this statement:

"Tonight's the night like Betty Wright, and I'm chillin" (Deep Cover, 1992)

The Force? Ya. But Gangsta? Naw.

I believe many people over the years have misheard this lyric as "Betty White" when in fact he is referring to Betty Wright, the woman who sang a song named "Tonight's the Night" back in the 1960's. Dre was not giving a shout out to Betty White by any means, he was obviously giving a shout out and props to a more understandable subject.

Betty has taken this false cred and put out her own rhymes of late, and her Rappin' is not necessarily bad...but when you observe it you must be aware that she is Rappin' under false pretenses. She by no means has any Gangsta Cred...any preconceived cred was mis-attributed.

Murder She Wrote...

Straight up O motherfuckin' G?

A similar era-adjusted contemporary of Betty's, Angela Lansbury, may have more gangsta cred than anyone has given her credit for. Angela starred on the hit TV show Murder She Wrote which ran concurrent and parallel with Betty White's Golden Girls show. Angela is very similar in all respects to Betty, yet may be an actual gangsta.

Murder She Wrote was a network television mystery drama where Angela was a writer/super-sleuth who solved who-dun-its with the greatest of precision and ease. On the surface, Angela appears to be about as gangsta as a young Ethel Merman, yet rappers have been giving her serious shout-outs and mad props throughout the history of Rappin'. Take this song from the She-Vanilla Ice of the nineties Ms. Tairrie B.,

Tairrie (an ebonicized version of Terry? I dunno) is horrible and awful, yet she is without any doubt giving mad props to Angela Lansbury in this song. Her bad-ass image appears to be a hommage to her, and Murder She Wrote is repeated ad-nausem through out the rapsong. This is very interesting, yet due to Tairrie's awfulness in the face of Rappin' we cannot use this as a proper method of adorning Angela with true and deserved props.

Angela Lansbury's real props comes from this great song...WARNING...it is really catchy:

Reggaemen extraordinaire Chaka Demus and Pliers use "Murder She Wrote" as the chorus in their hit rapsong of the same name as well, and this one is fucking good.

A noticeable phenomenon in the rap game is to just copy what other people did, and a quick scan of youtube proves that many people not only enjoyed either Tairrie B's or Demus and Plier's ditties but ripped them off as well. A surprising amount of amateur rappers on youtube have songs named and chorused with "Murder She Wrote." I'll collect a few examples of horrible plagiarists who stole the Murder She Wrote idea...

Example 1 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0tBrY6fBqU

Example 2 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhwTcx1Rx_A 

Example 3 (of many): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzKlfVXvK04

In conclusion, Angela is never specifically named in any of these songs, yet it is undeniable that they are giving a shout-out to her TV show and thusly giving her said shout-out. Unlike Betty White who is 100% undeserving of her credibility...Angela Lansbury appears to be the real deal, one might go as far as saying that she is straight poppin' Gangsta.

Movin' Right Along,

Okay, enough gangsta old ladies for one sitting...let's move on to something a little fresher and better. Something a little cooler and modern.

The following song is great, it is rapped by a man named Random, it is a wonderful and beautiful rapsong by a talented rapper. It is a love-style rap song about a man's love for a woman, a beautiful woman who he wants to take far away and be alone with for the rest of his days, yet it is a scandalous and forbidden  love which can never truly blossom, the man is like Romeo and the woman is like Juliette, they are in love but are not allowed to be due to circumstances out of their control. The song ends with the woman committing the ultimate display of true love as she self-sacrifices herself for her beloved man...it is a tragic rapsong...a tragic tragic rapsong...

Lyrics:

This is a mission not a small time thing
Got me on the case like I'm Sherlock, Holmes
My dome kinda messed up from what I've been seein
And what I've been hearin, got me not knowin what to believe in
I was breezin, battlin bosses
The record is flawless, zero losses
'Til I came across this, stunning young piece
Who resided at the bottom of the sea - and she
Told me her name was Splash Woman
Beautiful but deadly, she was mad cunning
Had a voice that could soothe the savage
Beast, her physique was way above average
Magic the way she got me in a spell
Got me on lockdown, sort of like a cell
But I got a mission that I can't afford to fail
My girl, I got a secret to tell, umm...
I don't know how to say this
So I'm a just say it, that you my favorite
Even underwater I'm enchanted by your fragrance
You're the one to play with, won't you, be my baby?
Or maybe, we can get up out of this land
And maybe get a bite somewhere my dear
Even though she knew the truth about Ran
I had a feeling she would understand, yo I got a chance

Chorus: 

Thought I was in love before
But I love you more, so baby come aboard
And go away with me, so I can make you see
What you mean to me, and baby we can be
Free... oh ohhhhh, under the sea
Oh ohhhhh, just you and me

Seem like every couple years I get that feeling
Feelin like I'm about to hit that ceiling
But I cain't cause it's time for spikes
And when I reach the lair I know it's time to fight
I couldn't do it, Punk'd out like Ashton's victims
She started singin and I had to listen
It was lovely, when she sang, the fish came
All of a sudden the mission changed, insane~!
She told me about her true purpose
She was a state victim that fell through the surface
A few days ago the contract expired
And she was scheduled to be thrown into the fire
And Wily gave her a reason to live
So now she gotta do what he says
She said a tear and said you don't understand
I gotta stick to the plan, I owe everything to this man
So please Mega Ran, don't take it personal
Cause it hurts I know, I'll make it worse y'know
But he saved me baby
To turn my back on Wily would be just plain crazy
She said it's the only way it can end
Let the, battle begin and we can't be friends
So my heart sunk low as the lair door closed
Drew the Mega Buster cause it's time to roll, here we go

[Chorus]
 
So the battle was on, it was fierce
She hit me in the side and left my armor pierced
On her command, the fishes attacked me
I cocked the Mega Buster and hit 'em exactly
But the battle took a turn that was odd
Every time I fired a shot, she didn't dodge
She took each blast from the arm cannon
Smiled at me as every shot was landin
At first I didn't know what she was plannin
Then suddenly I started understandin
Yo I think she lettin me win
Givin me what I need so I can get to the end
By the 17th hit she began to stagger
Fell to the ground so I ran and grabbed her
Looked up in her eyes as she tried to laugh
Pulled me close and handed me her staff
I said I wish it didn't have to be like this
I'm thinkin he might miss her if she be my miss
She said don't be foolish, you gotta do this
Let the whole city know what the truth is
Said boy you got stuff to do
Said girl I woulda gave it all up for you
I feel invincible when I'm holdin you
But as far as love goes I'm 0-for-2

(Random, Splash Woman)

It is a great love poem and the beat makes it a great rapsong...wait a second...spikes on the ceiling? Mega buster? Is he? Oh my goodness...is this cat Rappin' about playing Mega Man!? That's amazing, not only is it great poetry and has a catchy beat, but the absolute silliness that this song is about something as awesome as Mega Man gives it an entertainment value which is off the charts (to me anyhow).

 

Turns out, that all of Random's rapsongs are about playing Mega Man and he's got dozens of them. Dozens and dozens of rapsongs about playing Mega Man. Wow. I'm not making fun of him, in fact, I'm a geek and a huge fan of the old Mega Man games. In fact, my family physician recently recommended that I beat Mega Man 2 at least 5 times per annum in order to stay healthy and fresh, and it is a regimen I am sticking to.

The first song I heard of Random's was a song about not wanting to grow up set to the beat of Woodman's level in Mega Man 2 (listen to it here). For those of you who don't know, Mega Man 2 is not only the best and most addictive game ever made, but it is also the deepest piece of literature ever created.

It's ok, it's over...get some rest now man.

Mega Man 2 is an epic story, about a robot who just wants to stand on top of buildings, feel the wind in his hair, and be free. Yet, a terrible psycho bent on revenge and hatred builds 8 evil robots to kill Mega Man and enslave the world...the psycho is unable to best our hero who easily defeats the robots in turn. After saving the planet, Mega Man wants no reward or fame...he is content on taking a long walk back home which takes him two full years, he walks through the changing seasons from summer to fall to winter and back, and when he finally gets to where he's going, he gazes upon the safety and security of his home, takes his helmet back off to let the wind into his hair again, and he begins the unwinding process. It's so simple, but very deep.

Other contributors to Mega Man 2 folklore through music include Brental Floss, and whoever the fuck wrote that song Okkusenman which has been covered about a thousand times now. These are not rapsongs but are related to this section for their Mega Man 2 folklore qualities alone:

Brental Floss: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_7rmGlo-1U

Okusenman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeALqyjSz1Q

The song Okkusenman sounds like if Ultra Bidé got a lot peppier, faster, and made their noise sound like a screaming banshee maniac. I find it to be really catchy actually...especially the part where the singer just loses it around 1:43 in the video.

"We revive vividly memories, but now we've forgotten all that as we grew up, and we're living each day as if we're being chased by something..." 

-The Dude who sings Okkusenman


(End Note: I think Thairrie B's "Murder She Wrote" was actually a tongue-in-cheek joke engineered by either Robert Townsend or Keenan Ivory Wayans. I'm not sure if Thairrie was in on this joke or not. No data shows for or against this claim, but I have a pretty strong hunch.)

The Baseball Hall of Fame is Incomplete without Tim Raines in it...

Rock and Roll with so much soul...

The Hall of Fame is where the heroes of today are enshrined and their legacy preserved for future generations. Similar to how we explore ancient Roman Coliseum ruins and find statues of old athletes and all-stars of yesteryear, people in the far reaches of the future shall look at the ruins of the Western world and happen upon the temple of baseball heroes and look in awe at the heroes of the past.

Yet if history is to take its course un-altered, one great hero will not be found. One of the best, and most heroic of baseball heroes of the era will not be preserved and enshrined into the aeons.

The legend...Tim Raines.

My Bias


Before we begin arguing in favor of the Rock, I must first declare that I have a very personal bias in favor of the Rock.

I remember most of my life after the age of 2 years old, and one memory I hold dear, is at the age of 3 years old, when I first witnessed a major league baseball player hit a homerun. It was at Olympic Stadium and it was hit by Tim Raines, the ball hit a Coca-Cola sign in left-center field and I was awe struck by this feat which I thought (at the time) could never be equaled.

After that I had an unhealthy obsession with the game of baseball. I learned to read boxscores when I was 4 years old, and started typing up fake boxscores on a typewriter (this was before home computers were in fashion) in 1987 at the age of four. My other favorite player in that era was Herm Winningham (only because I liked the sound of his name, similar to how I liked the sound of the name "Mookie Wilson"). Herm and Tim Raines enjoyed most of the success in those fictitious typewritten boxscore, I remember Tim Raines hit over 2000 triples one year in those made up seasons I simulated in my parents backyard. My dad cut some wooden bases and upholstered them in purple fabric for me to fool around with. The Expos games during the offseason in the late eighties happened in my mind and were acted out in my backyard, awaiting for the next season to start again.

...you can Rock 'til 101 years old...

The numbers were so fascinating, all those beautiful statistics. I think I liked the stats better than the actual game sometimes. Baseball sabremetricians (the medical term for them) record so much data on the events that transpire in the game that it's almost unreal. My introduction into this world of sabremetircs, and therefore mathematics, occurred at such a young age thanks to baseball...and thanks to that homerun hit by Tim Raines in 1986 at Olympic Stadium in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

I also think I developed a very inclusive human attitude very early on in life, thanks to that homerun. I'm a white guy, and when I first started meeting white people who were racist against blacks...I almost took it personal. They were talking about my childhood hero when they said the "N" word and I didn't like that very much. I saw the stupidity of all forms of arbitrary pointless human hatred at a very young age thanks to baseball.

Obviously as I grew up, I started to see that baseball is mainly a game centered around corporate greed and human growth hormones...but there's still a place reserved in my brain for the my idols of the past.

Facts, the whole facts, and nothin' but the facts...

There's a great website devoted to Tim Raines, founded by sportswriter Jonah Keri and the late John Brattain who have compiled articles and data on why Tim Raines is a hall of famer, it is called Raines30. They argue his case better than anyone and it's a must see if you are a Hall of Fame voter and you are on the fence about Tim Raines.

Here's some other analysis that people should check out too:

1. A 1999 article by EPSN analyst and sabremetrician Rob Neyer (who used data compiled by the Elias Sports Bureau). Here, we see that by compiling at-bats in only "late inning pressure situations" that Tim Raines is the best hitter from 1979 to 1988 in those situations, edging out Steve Sax for the win.



"And who might [the two clutchest hitters] have been? George Brett and Mike Schmidt? Eddie Murray and Steve Garvey?

Nope. Tim Raines and Steve Sax." 


-Rob Neyer (http://207.56.97.150/articles/neyerclutch.htm)


2. This is a statistical comparison between Raines and a guy who got elected to the hall in his first year of eligibility, Mr. Tony Gwynn. Raines stacks up well if not way better than Tony it seems.

Raines (career)

Plate Appearances: 10359
Runs Scored: 1571
Hits: 2605
Runs Batted In: 980
Walks: 1330
Extra Base Hits: 713 (170 which were homers)
Batting Average: .294
On Base Percentage: .385

Stolen Bases/Attempts: 808/954 (84.6%)

Gwynn (career)

Plate Appearances: 10232
Runs Scored:1383
Hits: 3141
Runs Batted In: 1138
Walks: 790
Extra Base Hits: 763 (135 which were homers)
Batting Average: .338
On Base Percentage: .388

Stolen Bases/Attempts: 319/444 (71.8%)

Similar to the say the least, plus they played in the same era and against each other. They have almost identical plate appearances which makes this a wonderful set of data to compare and contrast. Well, Raines wins out in runs and walks...and Tony has more rbi, and hits. Their averages are not similar, Gwynn wins...yet their OBPs are almost exact, and that's pretty odd. Raines drew more walks and stole more bases, but Gwynn slapped more singles. Gwynn had a bit more gap power (more doubles and triples), but the Rock hit 35 more home runs than Tony Gwynn. 

Runs Batted In is a misleading stat, because they award a run and a rbi when a player hits a homerun. The run he scored is counted as an RBI under the logic that the player has "driven himself in" but in actuality only 1 run has scored though the player's variable statistics are adjusted in two fields. So to make up the difference for this, you must subtract homeruns from RBI so the player is not credited twice for one produced run. After that adjustment the new RBI-HR stat is:

Raines (RBI-HR): 810
Gwynn (RBI-HR): 1003

The legend...

It should be strongly and diligently noted that Raines had his RBI totals hindered due to playing in the National Leauge and batting in the leadoff spot. Honestly, how many chances does the leadoff man get for ribbies when the slot before him is the pitcher (who normally has an OBP of around .100) and the one before that is the number 8 hitter (who in the 1980s was usually a weak hitting shortstop or catcher around the Mendoza Line).

Gwynn has 193 more RBIs than the Rock, but factor in that Gwynn got to hit in the number three slot (behind the leadoff and #2 hitter, instead of the pitcher and bum hitter) a total of 5,196 out of his 10232 plate appearences, which is a little more than half of his at bats. Raines only had 1,645 chances in the number three slot. It is easier to drive in the speeder leadoff man and the talented number 2 hitter than it is to knock in the pitcher and the bummiest hitter on your team. If Raines (who as we saw is pretty damn clutch if not the clutchest of all time) had half of his plate appearence from the number three slot I am 100% sure he would've had more RBIs than Tony Gwynn.

For the record, Gwynn also had 3,962 chances hitting in the number 2 slot in the order, while Raines only had 1,185 chances in the number two slot. Due to Raines hitting behind the pitcher and the bum for virtually his whole career, the RBI stats were harshly handicapped against him. If he hit behind the 1 and 2 hitters, he would have had well over 1,000 RBIs.

As for stolen bases, Raines was something to behold. They were both caught stealing a similar amount of times...yet the Rock stole almost 500 more bases than Tony Gwynn.

All in all, they were both very talented...but let's be real, Raines was better than Gwynn. It's sad but true that, Gwynn got 97.6% of the votes when his time came for the Hall of Fame...yet Raines is only hovering around the 30% mark. What a ridiculous shame. If Tony deserves 97.6% than so does Raines.

Get over it...

As for the thing people always seem to bring up about Raines, the cocaine shit, well, Paul Molitor was part of that scandal and he's in the Hall of Fame...how can you let one guy in and not another? That makes no sense. All these guys probably tried it, and Raines was the only guy who admitted he had a problem, apologized to his family, teammates, and friends and overcame his addiction.

My scanned stub from that game...

This coming January, the people who get the vote (writers and journalists, many who never even saw most of these guys play) will consider his eligibility once more. I'm sure he won't get in this year, and it really is crazy when you think about it.

Tim Raines is often compared to Rickey Henderson (and Rickey always wins) but when you compare Raines to Tony Gwynn...it becomes a lot more clear how good he was. He didn't have Henderson's stats...but he did have better stats than Tony Gwynn.

End Note: I was in attendance at Olympic Stadium on August 06 of the year 1999 and saw Tony Gwynn slap a single off of Dan Smith to attain the arbitrary number of 3,000 hits....I don't remember anything particularly spectacular about it. I do have tons of memories of being at Olympic Stadium and witnessing how spectacular and exciting Tim Raines was though. The Rock was a real legend.

Dear Internet,

I got you in 1996 and it was love at first sight. I stayed up all night long going through your pages and then slept through high school during the day time.

The internet of 1996 was so much different than now. Before all the steroids got in the game and before all the big internet contracts. Back in my day the internet really meant something, nowadays it's all frizzle and gimmicks. I'm telling you...in my time...to find something funny you had to scour like a pro. Today you kids can load up sites which gather up all the funny crap out there and order it for you in neat little thumbnails. All these ebaums, and your ytmndogs, and your what have you. Boy I tell you internet, you're spoiling these kids...they don't appreciate the comedy anymore. These youngsters see hundreds of funny vidoes and image macros every day. In my time, I had to walk 2 miles in the internet-snow just to find a URL that could make me laugh out loud (we used to spell that out back then).

Boy...I remember seeing my first meme. It was called "Ate My Balls" and it was the funniest motherfucking shit around. Some great human guy had the great idea to edit pictures of Mr. T and add comic-esque talkie bubbles or thinkie bubbles to the pics. What was Mr. T talking or thinking about? Eating balls. This wonderful website was archived by flamesgif.com it seems. If an internet historical landmark society existed, this would without a doubt be included.

Mr. T Ate My Balls (original): http://flamesgif.com/archive/ate_my_balls/mr_t.html

Copy cats started to take other celebs and make them ravenous ball eaters, and by the end of 1996 every celebrity imaginable had an "Ate My Balls" page. I remember "Fred Rogers Ate My Balls" was specifically funny though it seemingly has gone missing from the archives.

Respected internet journalist Mr. Milo Miles did a write-up of "Ate my balls" (circa 1997) entitled "'Ate my Balls' ate my balls."

Ate my Balls set the groundwork and floor tiling for what would be an explosion of internet silliness. Another great fellow took it upon himself to build from that foundation and make "Mr. T vs Superman" which delighted all readers. It kept two constants from the "Ate my Balls" framework, the comic motif and the Mr. T factor. Copy cats of the meme made Mr. T battle other people/characters and explored new techniques...but some constants remained in all comics. Mr. T never lost, he usually uttered "jibber-jabber," "helluva tough," and he dispatched his enemies by throwing them into exotic far off locations. The premise usually consisted of the villain offending Mr. T by trying to destroy a youth center or tampering with the world's milk production. Before long the copy cats spread the meme to cover vast ground and every celebrity or fictional character imaginable was defeated in a fight by Mr. T.

my contribution to internet "comedy" (as such)

That great site archive.org has spidered through the internet of yore and has archived all somewhat popular sites that were ever uploaded in its vast database of data. It has an entry on July, 7th of 1997 for the original Mr. T vs. Superman but the photos are all broken sadly. It seems to be lost forever.

During this meme, I thought it would be fun to participate instead of just watch it unfold. In 1997, I made my own Mr. T comic, which had Mr .T defeating Hitler and ousting the Nazi regime from Germany. I put it on a site called Fortunecity until they deleted it out of nowhere. Fortunecity deleted mine, and another site called "Mr. T vs. Marilyn Manson" by some guy, I remember, after they received complaints that they were offensive. I then took the comic and uploaded my "Mr. T vs. Hitler" on to Geocities. The first three pages are archived on archive.org but the final two pages have broken pictures it seems.

(My foray into the world of Mr. T comics, with broken pics though: http://web.archive.org/web/20011117051300/http://www.geocities.com/dr_hork/mr_t-index.html)

I remember the site's "guestbook" being filled with silly responses and a strange amount of angry germans who were offended by the word "kraut" apparently. Good times...

Down the road, when Newgrounds came out someone paid hommage to this meme by making Mr. T fight Tupac. In fact it was a dude from a flash site called Slitfinger.com, if I remember correctly, and it was very well done. Brian Beaton of Slitfinger also made some great cartoons called "Scrotum" which featured a dog who had trouble staying alive. Ah, those were the days.

"Scrote"

Newgrounds has a whole section devoted to Mr. T, which includes ones made later on in 2002-2004, the best Mr. T comics in fact. A pro wrestler named "Chase Lightning" gave tribute to these memes of olden times by revamping them into animated comics but kept true to the precepts and rules. He tributed Mr T vs Superman (of course), Mr. T vs Hitler, and many more. The part with Bill and Ted is genius, if you ask me.

Ah, internet...what a long time ago this was. No Facebook, or Youtube...just silly things that remind me of being a teenager.

Football Dad

I'm surprised "Football Dad" is still on the internet, a tribute site to the greatest family sitcom that ever hit TGIF. Remember TGIF? Family Matters, Full House, Football Dad, Step by Step...good family sitcoms from the olden times on something called "television". I look back in wistful detente as I vividly recall the episode of Football Dad where Max and Bobby go to beach and play some catch. Seems like so long ago now. I bet even tough guys showed an emotion or two while watching the finale all the those years ago, I know I did.

It looks like REAL ULTIMATE POWER is still online, a site which made me laugh so much for some damned reason. Internet, where has the time gone? Seriously, how come you're not as awesome as this anymore?

You kids these days and your ghosts, and your "fail" nonsense, and your stupid advice dogs...you have it so easy but you still make crap. There's no more Mr T on the internet...how did that even happen? The internet and Mr. T used to go together like coffee and milk. Back in my day, things were better. You know what I mean? The internet used to make sense, we had our "memes", but we never called them "memes" because we knew "meme" is a stupid word.

I think she's disrobing...but I'm unsure.

You're spoiled brats, all of you, look at all the pornos you teens have in this era, it's everywhere! Back in my day, we appreciated the internet porn because we knew it was a blessing and never took it for granted. Before the internet we had to settle for magazines, and scrambled pay-tv porn where the chicks had blue skin and squiggled all over the darned place. You didn't know what was going on 90% of the time, but you knew some dude and chick(s) were totally banging and for a second or two the wavy squiggles would settle for a moment and you'd totally see some blue tinted vagina!

For crying out loud, back when I was going through puberty you'd have to stay up until 1 in the morning and wait for those phone sex ads to come on just to get a boner! The ads with the chicks in bathing suits and the Rod Stewart music playing in the background.

Holy Motherfucking Shit! YES!

You'd get lucky sometimes and in the day time there'd be an exercise show where the babes were wearing spandex! Or if you were really really lucky, the TV would run a rerun of that episode of Picket Fences where Lauren Holly is in that black bikini and is offering offering you chocolate cake and a game boy...and almost reaching out of the screen to hand you them! Gosh darn it...when internet porn came out, boy howdy, we certainly did not take it for granted...that's for damn sure.

My lands! You think the internet was plucked off some tree? You think the internet was dumped on us from some big truck? No! We worked hard to make the internet this awesome! You youngens probably think there was always internet, well there wasn't...in fact I remember very well when there was no internet at all. My generation knew the value of an internet, and we worked hard to fill it with hilarious shit and porno.

You young people should pull up your bootstraps and start filling the internet with funnier shit and better porno! Ask not what your internet can do for you, but ask what you can do for your internet.

Promotion for Web-a-Sodes

Watch He's Talking Dead Eh, a great show about the last dudes left on earth who gotta find beer, chicks, and food and all the while fend off terrible urban zombies, rural zombies, zombie bees, and zombie ants.

 Sodes (1 and a 2)

Greg and D have mixed feelings about being the last two knobs on earth, and decide to go find some food and shit. They hope they are not attacked by terrible zombies or ants.
 

Greg and D decide to return to the city but run into a major pity when they are attacked by a surviving commando who is involved in military arts once again. Will they be able to cope?

Gregis and D-Head?

Similarity

An odd similarity exists between the pilot episode of He's Talking Dead Eh which aired November 9, 2011 and an episode of Beavis and Butthead which aired on December 1, 2011 (approx. one month later).

The premise, story, and dialogue between the characters is very similar. Especially in one particular scene. A cheesy wind sound is playing in the background while the respective heroes assess their respective situations...

In He's Talking Dead Eh (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxKOo98O8_k), watch from around 1:15 to 1:50.

In Beavis and Butthead (http://www.mtv.ca/tvshows/beavis-and-butthead/video_content.jhtml?id=1675253), watch from around 2:29 to 3:03.

He's Talking Dead Eh didn't steal this bit. It aired almost one month prior to this episode of Beavis and Butthead, any similarity is just a coincidence.

"Influences"

To be fair, the show is inspired by the following:

1. Bob and Doug McKenzie (particularly the opening scene of "Strange Mawfucking Brew" where Bob is the last man on earth)

2.Bruce Campbell (his heroics in the face of evil deadites)

3. The Three Stooges expressions and slapshtick

4. Beavis and Butthead (the intelligence level of our intrepid protagonists).

We have our "influences" but we did not steal the above bit, and the dates are the proof.

(writings on this blog about Beavis and Butthead: Here, and here too)

Before The Legend of Rasputin.....there was the Legend of Mackandal

Rasputin

Chicks dug this dude?

In reality, Rasputin was a cooky flake with a long beard who the Russian monarchy kept around to "heal" them with his quackery and nonsense. They gave this charlatan high office in the political ranks of their regime. They gave him a lot of money and respected him until he got a little too much political sway in the royal family and then they killed him.

Legend has it, that in 1916 Rasputin was poisoned with cakes and wine but consumed them unharmed. He was then shot 4 consecutive times but didn't even give a care, then he was stabbed, beaten up, rolled in a carpet and thrown into the river. He broke free from the carpet but finally drowned in the cold Neva River.

Here's the tl;dr form of the story told in Disco form:

Mackandal

Many years prior, 158 years prior to be exact, another "hard to kill" myth was born around a Haitian slave named Franswa Makandal. Factual history shows Mackandal was an escaped slave who resisted capture and organized resistance to French slave owners in Haiti. I'm going to relay the myth of Mackandal compiled from many sources but since its a myth and only loosely based on fact, I'm just going to paraphrase what I've read on him and maybe even take some creative liberties (as such).

Mackandal was born in the Congo in the early 18th century. The king of Congo treated his people as commodities and sold Mackandal and others to French slavers who brought them to St. Domingue (present day Haiti). He was purchased from the slave traders by the Lenormand family and put to work on their plantation.

During his daily menial hard labor, Mackandal pocketed any piece of reading material he came across and self-taught himself to read french. He started with basic material and soon was fluent in french. He got his hands on books on french law, history, and newspaper articles. He knew what the situation was, and how unjust the world was. In the news he would read articles about Padre Jean and other slaves who were fighting french authority.

While working on the sugar press machine which turned sugar cane into white granular sugar, Mackandal had his right arm cut off. For failing to complete his chores that day, he was given 50 lashes with a leather whip. Bloody, broken, and close to death...Mackandal risked his life to escape and succeeded.

Mackandal took refuge in the hills. The difficult terrain and extreme tropical heat gave his pursuers great difficulty in re-capturing him. He made a natural fortress out of the hills and gave refuge to other escaped slaves seeking shelter. By 1748 he had formed a band of marooned ex-slaves who acquired food and supplies by raiding plantations. They made use of Mackandal's knowledge of poisons to kill slave owners discreetly.

In 1758 The Mack assessed that he had enough freedom fighters and enough poison for a wide-scale attack on the french. Sadly, before the attack was to take place one of Mackandal's allies was captured, tortured, and gave away the location of the rebels. Mackandal was then caught and escorted by the french military to Le Cap where he would be executed.

fuck this shit!

The french liked to take the re-captured escaped slaves into the town square and burn them at the stake, while other slaves watched, to show them what happened to rebels. Mackandal broke free from his bonds and began to flee the square but was apprehended and brought back. The french tied him to the stake and lit it on fire again but this time the wood burned before Mackandal, his bonds were broken and he again fleed. They caught him and tried again, this time when the fire was about to consume him he chewed up a single hair he was keeping between his teeth, he chewed it into 100 pieces and spit out 100 poisonous frogs. Mackandal's body burned to ash...the soldiers began stepping on the poisonous frogs and crushing them before they could poison anyone. The frogs stuck out their long tongues before dying and spat out 100 yellow flies each who flew away into the night. Mackandal was dead.

Mackandal's final form...?

The voudou houngan Zamba Boukman sparked the Bois Caiman rebellion 33 years later (1791), involving heroes such as Toussaint Louverture and Jean-Jacques Dessalines. The French foreign legion sent by Napoleon Bonaparte to quell the uprising were devasted by the tropical heat and the yellow flies that swarmed the region. The yellow flies carried yellow fever and the disease killed an estimated 27,000 french troops including Napoleon's brother in law.

Were those yellow flies the same that sprang from the mouths of those frogs the day Mackandal was executed?

Opinions on the Occupy Movement (part 1)

on War of Imagery

The McMedia always seems to refer to the occupiers as not knowing what they are doing or what they want. To me, this movement in a nutshell is an awareness campaign to highlight global economic corruption, and I think it's at least getting a dialogue going on the matter.

Observers of the movement, for the most part, don't involve themselves in that dialogue, they choose to let their conclusions fall into two simple categories. They conclude either that:

A: "look at all these bums camping in the street, don't they know the economy made them those cool Ipads? They should get off the street and go pay homage at Steve Jobs tomb and beg forgiveness"















B: "Why are the police arresting them and beating them up? Are we actually living in a police state? This sucks."
















These are the two most popular opinions and with good reason. These are the two groupings of images you see most concerning the Occupy Movement...and it has literally become a war of images.

Concerning conclusion "A", I do feel despite Apple's horrid sweat shop labor practices that they are indeed a ligitamate business that researches technology and creates employment. Personally, I have never owned an Apple product (except for a free download of Quicktime to watch .mov files) but I don't think it makes the Occupiers hypocrites for having these products.

I think conclusion "B" is a little more damning than "A", holding down men and women and beating them is a much more shocking image than some pictures of I-shit. The police make themselves look like the worst possible sort of thug when they act like that. They look like government ordained street gangs out there. (Edit: These images were mostly spread by foreign news networks to make America look bad it seems).

on Ronnie-boy Paul

Ronnie-boy

The most odd development in the Occupy Movement (in the US anyway) has been the cult following which has sprung around Bible Belt politician Ron Paul.

Ron Paul is very fringy, and a beloved member of the John Birch Society. On abortion for example, he believes the moment the sperm hits the egg it is considered a human (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanctity_of_Life_Act).

In 1964 he wrote congress to convince them not to pass the Civil Rights Act which gave equal rights and opurtunities to black Americans. Both Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X died trying to make these human right gains and help blacks to not be treated like second class citizens. It's very odd to be against equal rights. In fact, in 2004 on the anniversary of the Civil Right Act...Ron Paul addressed congress with this:

"...contrary to the claims of the supporters of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the sponsors of H.Res. 676, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 did not improve race relations or enhance freedom. Instead, the forced integration dictated by the Civil Rights Act of 1964 increased racial tensions while diminishing individual liberty."

(Source: http://www.lewrockwell.com/paul/paul188.html)

Passing a bill which prohibited businesses from refusing to serve black customers apparently was bad according to Ron Paul because it limited those businesses' freedom. Give me a break.

Take another example of the John Birch Society's interpretation of "freedom." In the 1970's women caught the equal rights fever that was going around and various women's groups wanted a 1923 law proposed by Alice Paul (one of the chicks who spear headed the women suffrage movement in 1920 which won female Americans the right to vote) to be ratified. This law was the Equal Rights Amendment which simply stated that, "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex." (http://www.house.gov/house/Amendnotrat.shtml). The main opponent of the Equal Rights Amendment was the John Birch Society who felt that this amendment would "limit freedom."

pronounced: Shlaff-Lee

The John Birch Society assigned the loveable Phyllis Schlafly to be the leader of the anti-ERA squad, and the main rhetorical claim used was the same old "it will limit your freedom" which is basically the JBS mantra. Elizebeth Kolbert gives a good summary of Schlafly's opposition to the ERA in a 2005 New Yorker article,

"American women, she wrote in the Phyllis Schlafly Report, were blessed to live in a country where Christian traditions of chivalry still held—'a man’s first significant purchase (after a car) is a diamond for his bride'—and where free enterprise was continually improving life for the weaker sex. 'The great heroes of women’s liberation are not the straggly haired women on television talk shows and picket lines,' she asserted, but 'geniuses' like 'Clarence Birdseye, who invented the process for freezing foods.' Why, Schlafly demanded, should women 'lower' themselves to equal rights 'when we already have the status of special privilege?' Leaders of the pro-E.R.A. campaign found it hard to take such arguments seriously: according to one contemporary account, copies of the Report became collectors’ items among feminists, acquired for their comic value."

(Source: http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2005/11/07/051107crbo_books) 

The John Birch Society sees change of any sort as the collapse of its image of America. The U.S.A. of yore is a story book in their minds, a picturesque beautiful place with eagles and all kinds of nice shit. Their vision of U.S. history in their cute little brains doesn't include images of the slavery, or civil war, or public hangings, or the KKK....just eagles and frozen food. They have nostalgia for an age which never existed.

Ron Paul wants the gold standard back for that reason alone, because that's the way it used to be when America was "normal." He wants everything back to the old ways when negroes and women couldn't vote and everyone prayed to Jesus...to Ron that's "normal." Returning to the "old ways" isn't going to stop corruption, I'm sorry but returning to gold is not the answer.

Having Ron Paul as president of a country would be really fucked up.

Zomb-A-Show

It's a Zomb-A-Show Strava-Ganza!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxKOo98O8_k

on Deception and counter-Deception. also on Devising and/or Deciphering Informations

The internet age has brought to us an abundance of information. There are mounds and mounds of nutty little documents, snipets, and tid-bits at the fingertips of every human in arms reach of a computer. If you have not realized it yet, we are living in an information golden age, never in history has so much data been available for analysis.

It sounds great, and it really is...but nothing is perfect. Is all information credible? Of course not. Is it all true? No way. Out of all the data on the net, how much of it is accurate and factual...and how much of it is fiction, lies, propaganda, nonsense, or deception?

It's great that everyone is acquiring more data and decoding more information but should you believe what you are reading? Nope, you surely cannot believe it...and figuring out what is correct and what is incorrect is almost futile sometimes.

If you search for anything on google, you will find conflicting reports on your questions. For example, is coffee a healthy beverage? Out of the two hundred millions search results, you will be able to find any answer to that question, it is not a matter of accessing information anymore it is now a question of deciphering which out of those two hundred million results are valuable pieces of info and which are not. Factoring in that coffee will have a different effect on different people, the answer to the question is not even concrete to begin with.

If you didn't see it happen with your own eyes, hear it with you own ears, you can never be sure if it is true (and even then your senses/bias/perception can deceive you).

Be aware that History is recorded by the people who choose to record it. In the old days, people would keep histories orally through talking about it, then in writing, and now in writing/pictures/video/multi-media/etc. It's scary, but 100% of recorded history may be false. You cannot take an old text and investigate it, you just have to trust that what was recorded in it was factual and truthful. Judging now from how much erroneous data is on the internet, I don't think it's safe to trust any history book.

Wikipedia

Anyone with a Wikipedia account is able to record history now. In the future, every child will learn about the past from Wikipedia I believe, and the fact that any kid can learn about anything is great...but what percentage of that information is true?

Obviously things like science and math, texts that must adhere to specific rules and must have proof will be fine. We can experiment with data of scientists from 200 years ago and make sure that what they stated was accurate, that's great...but history is different, once the data has any room for arbitrary interpretations it can not be tested for its accuracy 200 years from now. Anything recorded today will likely be believed as fact in the future...even if it's not true.

Willy wanted wheels.

Wikipedia was frowned upon by teachers when it first came about, and with very good reason. It was erratic and insane when it first came out. There were a few moderators who were mostly 16 year old kids and none of the data on wikipedia could be trusted. The early days were rife with hooligans and vandals too, like people who made tongue-in-cheek entries or put everything on wiki-wheels (this was hilarious, though, you gotta admit).

The first experience I had editing wikipedia, was in 2004 when the Montreal Expos were moved to Washington. One of the wiki moderators deleted the Montreal Expos page, merged it with the Washington Senators page, and the 36 years of the team's history was reduced to "This team used to play in Montreal." I put it back up (I'm sure others did too) but it would keep getting deleted again. Foraying into the mad world of wikipedia moderators was a horrifying experience, they discuss every change on wikipedia at length like this secret club of data deities.

(example: http://theangryblackwoman.wordpress.com/2007/02/04/whispers-the-people-over-on-wikipedia-is-crazy-yo/)

That example is just to show an average everyday discussion of the wiki Data Deities. The woman wanted to register her account name as "angryblackwoman" and they discussed at length if she was allowed to use this user name or not. Those "weak allow" and "strong dissallow" and whatnot is them voting on whether or not she can use that name.

Anyways, every change to wikipedia goes through a myriad of discussion. It's not like you think, that anyone can edit it, that is not true. You can edit it, but it will instantaneously be checked over by moderators and they will decide if that data is allowed on wikipedia. It is interesting that hundreds of thousands of entries have been deleted, some of which surely were factual. In fact there is a site (deletionpedia) which archives the articles wikipedia deletes which I think is actually a great service.

Jiang is not imporant enough for Wiki

Deletionpedia has an entry, for example, on Bin Jiang which was deleted by wiki memeber "DGG" because he didn't think Jiang was important enough to be recorded into the annals of history. The wiki article had a photo of Bin, a song listing next to the photo, and a short bio of the man. The "speedy deletion" was contested it shows, but upheld by the Data Deities.

Isn't the whole process arbitrary? Should some teenager somewhere in the world be allowed to judge whether or not Bin Jiang is important enough to be recorded into history or not?

History was always selective, in the old days it was edited by kings, queens, and rulers to make them look like heroes. Now, it is edited by some greasy kids somewhere.

Sneaking erroneous data into wikipedia is still pretty easy, for example, an entry for the video game Photoboy, has a somewhat untrue, badly written, odd backstory applied to "David Goldman" the lead character in of the game. It has stayed up there for about 5 years now.

"David Goldman is an amateur photographer, who always loved to take pictures. One day, he went to Los Angeles Photography School to study more about taking pictures. Everyday, David commutes on the crowded trains, but trained and learned better in the academy so he can achieve his dreams on becoming the best photographer he ever wished for. He was happy at that time, but suddenly misfortune hit him. David's parents suddenly died in a plane crash, leaving him orphaned and all alone. He loved his parents deeply and cried at their burial, thinking that they will come back. David lost his confidence and is about to leave the academy to live a lonely and sad life. However for Dean, the principal of the academy saw him and made an unexpected proposal to him. The principal said if he completed 8 tests by taking 8 special photograph shots in 8 different locations, then he's allowed to graduate in the academy. Unsure about this offer, David still accepted the test and did everything he could to pass." 

-Wikipedia

There was also a statement about "David Goldman's" signature mannerisms and walk and how they were based on World War II aviation photographer Bob A. Boughy, but sadly, that tid-bit did not survive the wrath of the moderators.

If that Bob A. Boughy (say it a few times) statement, was phrased "Some argue that David Goldman's signature mannerisms and walk were based on WWII aviation photographer Bob A. Boughy" then it more than likely would have survived as well.

Apparently, according to wiki user "Einsidler" over 38,000 wiki pages contain the term "some argue" which is not very professional when you think about it. Who are these "some" that are arguing these all these claims? Who are these people?

Who knows...but for every "some" that is arguing there is a "some" that is reading those arguments, despite how crazy or laden with errors those claims may be.


Credulity

It's okay that there's silly or erroneous data on the web, what's not okay is that there are a lot of credulous web surfers out there. What's credulous? It's another way of saying "gullible" (and "gullible" of course...is not in the dictionary).

Credulity is hard to overcome, and most people don't want to. It's being credulous that lets us believe things that make us happy, it lets us believe in Gods, in Santa Clauses, and it helps us sift through information until we get to something that strengthens our current beliefs and state of mind. If you really wanted to convince yourself that Santa exists...I'm sure you could find articles on the web which would back you up.

Credulity and the information golden age cannot co-exist. The internet is churning out multitudes of data every second and all of it is questionable. The veracity of this data that "some" are arguing in most cases can be taken with a grain of salt...and surely not unconditional belief.

The credulity of today's society is outrageous. People believe anything, and I know it helps them through their troubles, and people who tell other people to stop believing always look mean...but I think it's time that society started leaning into skeptic territory.

A very old text urging people not to be credulous that's out there is a great read called Discoverie of Witchcraft by Reginald Scot (available: here). Scot was writing this in an age when the government was going around accusing people of witch craft and if they didn't pay the fine, they would torture these people into admitting they were witches, and then upon confession...they would burn them alive. The government was using this method to get rid of their critics and enemies, and they were basically using the people's credulity against them to make money and stay in power. This is a beloved book amongst skeptics up to this day and in the opening sentence, even Scot, feels bad about telling people not to believe,

Now, because it is relevant, and witchcraft so apparently accomplished through the art of sleight of hand, I thought it would be worthwhile to explain it. I am sorry to be the one to do this, and regret any effect this may have on those who earn their living performing such tricks for purposes of entertainment only, whose work is not only tolerable but greatly commendable. They do not abuse the name of God in this occupation, nor claim their power comes through him, but always acknowledge what they are doing to be tricks, and in fact through them unlawful and unpious deceivers may be exposed.

-Discoverie of Witchcraft, p.1

"He is sorry," he says, because he knows people make a living off of selling magic pendants, other voodoo shit, and knows some people are using deception for entertainment purposes but he also saw the very real danger of what credulous minds will do when they believe too foolishly. He helped reduce credulity of the age by explaining how common magick tricks were done, like thrusting bodkins into your skull and stuff like that...

TO THRUST A BODKIN INTO YOUR HEAD WITHOUT HURT.

Doin' it wrong: Bodkin WITH hurt.

    Have a knife made so that the handle is hollow and allows the blade to slip into it when held upside down. Hold it to your forehead and appear to thrust it in. With a little sponge concealed in your hand you can wring out blood or wine. If wine is running out of your forehead you can excuse it by explaining you have had a lot of wine to drink. Then, after an appropriate show of pain and grief, appear to pull the knife out of your head suddenly, so quickly that the blade falls back into place without being noticed. Immediately place the trick knife in your lap or pocket and switch it for an unprepared one. 

-Discoverie of Witchcraft, chapter XXXIV.

You think people are better today? The Wikipedia pages for psychics and talkers to the dead have a small section on "controversy" but mainly states that they are professional psychic mediums and leaves it at that. There is no such thing as a professional psychic medium...get real.

The Wikipedia page for him should literally read as follows, "Edward cons grieving people out of hard earned money by pretending to talk to their dead relatives." That is the sanest and most accurate way of recording him in history.

Prop up your Propaganda

Propaganda used to be easy as pie. An authority in power tells you what to believe, and you believe it. Why were kings allowed to be in power and rich while everyone else suffered? Either they told them it's because they had blue blood, or were ordained by a God to rule and be rich, or some shit like that. Today it's different, you have to win a popularity contest in most countries and be an expert liar to stay in power.

It's harder to make people believe in authority for no good reason this day and age, but that doesn't mean authority hasn't figured out how. They play on your fears, your hatred, your xenophobia, your nationalism, your language, your religion, and certainly your credulity to get you on their side. Media has become a war of images, a war to prove a point, an image is now literally worth a thousand words. News outlets should not overtly be trusted for no good reason. If your government owns your news network for instance, you should practice extra skepticism on the reports issued from that outlet. The Chinese government for instance tries to ban most of the internet from its people, except for government controlled web servers.

Watch out for non-critical articles written about your government.

Handy Tools

Here's a couple of links which may be interesting or come in handy while surfing the intertubes:

Some argue (me) that this is the greatest macro of all time. G.O.A.T. son!

1. First off, here's Neil Degrasse Tyson in 9 photos. Choose which ones are real and which ones are shopped and you win some internets. This site is actually the first time I ever heard of science superstar NDT. If you choose right or wrong, Hany Farid will still explain why or why not the picture is shopped. It's not always about the pixels or how many shops you've seen in your journeys.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/sciencenow/0301/03-fakeorreal.html

2. List of Fallacies (this site is one of many, it's just the first one from google I picked. You can search for others too). It has examples of fallacies such as Loaded Language and others. In literature and entertainment writing all language should be loaded chock-to-the-brim with emotion, but in a news article NO language should be loaded up with emotions.

http://www.iep.utm.edu/fallacy/#Loaded%20Language

3. Photos have been edited for a long time, here's some (then again maybe some of them are hoaxes, who knows).

http://www.fourandsix.com/photo-tampering-history/

4. I love this site Snopes ever since it first came out. They investigate hoaxes and now they try and investigate just about everything on the net. It's been around a while and is not only great but fun to read as well.

http://www.snopes.com/




Keep it real.