The Secret of Re-Invention (as Exampled by Heino)

Synonyms of "Heino": Exophthalmos

The flows of history are interchanging and non-static. You cannot become stuck in your ways and become stuffy in the same style. The freshness runs through the veins of past, present, and future like a freight train of energy and it causes the past to collide with the future to create pockets of "freshness vacuums" wherein is written the histories of next year. One may argue that tradition will constantly fracture and re-fracture the future's bones and bind those bones in castes in order to resist change...yet this is certainly impossible. The freshness flows like a river, and will flow around rocks and debris that stand in its way unto a fresher tommorow.

To explain this let's take an example from Germany, their albino super star, the one and only Heino. The H-Man, has been around since the dawning of history and has adapted his style to the age like a freshness chameleon. The chronologic stylevolution of Heino is beautiful and awe inspiring, coupled in with the fact that nothing outputted from Germany's muscial scene ever makes any sense, the transgressing Heino Epochs are some of the most odd data out there.

The Beginning

It's Schlager time...

...and Heino said, let there be Schlager. What's Schlager? Schlager is a type of mutagen or cheese-based mayonnaise sauce that parts of Europe use in music to create original musical dishes. For example, the Schlager Sauce when added to this Rolling Stones song turns it into...this. Obviously it's a potent condiment, and it should be used in musical dishes sparingly.

Heino is what you'd get if...you took Frank Sinatra, filled a vat or a bathtub with the Schlager Sauce, submerged Sinatra into the mutagen and marinated him for 400 years.

Heino (circa 1968) was a wide-eyed albino alien who schlagged about drinking whiskey and chilling in Mexico and various South American countries...

His first form is his most iconic form. He likes to go on vacations, get drunk, and sing songs about that. However, this style died out in the late sixties, forcing Heino to channel his freshness and ascend to his second form.

Disco Inferno

The sixties saw Germany leaving their Martin Heideggerian and Nihilistic ways, and some Germans even started to smile and dance...almost...

Look at them go in that clip, my goodness, I think one of them even looked happy for a second. Way to go Germany! The spirit of the 60's was taking shape and it was ushering in a new era, the global era of disco!

Disco fever hit the world in one devastating fell swoop...and no one was spared, certainly not Germany. The Disco Inferno that took Germany by storm was led by Dschinghis Khan, who fused the loveableness of ancient dictators with funky Disco beats.

This video has close to 7 million hits now, and I don't wanna be a "one upper" or a filthy "hipster" but its one of those things that I have the right to say "I knew about this shit before you did!"

My sister went to Germany in the year 2000, and I asked her to bring me back a Heino and a Dschinghis. She thought they were some cutting edge punk rock group (that's what I was interested in back then) and apparently marched up to the hip german record store dude and asked for "Dschinghis Khan" upon which she was scorned and laughed at. She told me not to ask her to buy cheesy garbage for me on her travels again, but is something that has garnered 7 million internet hits really garbage in retrospect?

Anyways, back to Heino. Was Schlager being pushed out the door in favor of Disco? The Schlagermen were going extinct with Disco on the horizon and if someone wanted to remain on the pop scene, they would either have to adapt or be overcome and buried by a tidal wave of leisure suits and platform shoes. Heino chose to adapt and preformed the first of his many Heino-Volutions. He threw on a leisure suit, hired some lumberjacks, and lip synched his motherfucking ass off....

It wasn't a question if Heino could handle the Disco Inferno, it was more a question if the Inferno could handle the Heino. Disco came and went (thank goodness) but Heino survived and only became more powerful.

Nihilistik Electronik Supersonik 1980s

Uh oh you guys, here comes "New Wave". The end of the 1970s represented a new era of German music. If you thought that video of Germans dancing was odd, it's because it was. They were out of their element, and Germans wanted desperately to get back into their element. They needed for the emotion to be drained out of their music and they needed it bad. They needed nihilism and they needed right then. The most iconic band of the German "New Wave" movement was Kraftwerk as shown in their "song" below...

Oh boy, nice emotion guys...you really knocked that song out of the park. Personally, I prefer New Wave Satire to actual New Wave but each his own...you know?

The above video was made many years after New Wave but sums up the genre very well. It's a great song.

Okay, what about Heino? Is he dead by the 1980s? Of course not, he's unkillable and ultimately un-hideable in every aspect of human existence. You think Heino can't cope with this shit? You think he can't make his beats all unpredictable and get down with nonsense? Think again man...Heino loves nonsense. Hell, he'll trade in his guitar and throw a moog synthesizer into the mix, change the pacing of his Blue Flower song and get all elektronik all over the damn place. New Wave better take it's notebook out because Heino is about to get down with the new age sound...the hits...the whole hits...and nuthin' but the mud flappin' hits!

I love that the Schlager high-notes survived the second Heino-Volution. aaaaah-AAAAH-AAAAH-AH.

New Wave came and it went. It tried to get rid of him, but couldn't so New Wave decided if it couldn't beat Heino to join him. Heino has now fused himself with both Disco and New Wave, his documented Music Power in this era was measured at 170,000mp.

DJ Guillermo's Watered-Down 90s Club Mix

The arrival of the 1990's meant the term disc jockey stopped meaning "a person who changes the records at the radio station" and started meaning "a person who mixes records and calls themselves a musician." I could relate to the people who fought Disco and fought New Wave in their era, because this was the shit music of my era and it wasn't very good. I liked that one Barbie song by Aqua, and I wanted to bang those chicks from the Venga Boys, but other than that this was a regrettable shift in the music paradigm.

Many leading music historians of the timeframe wondered if Heino could withstand a third flux in the freshness. Some argued that music would move into a new area of freshness that Heino would be unable to find. They claimed that Heino wouldn't be able to get down with Techno, that he wouldn't be able to make music that could make the young women of the era grind on random men like total fucking sluts.

Whoever the "some" were who argued this couldn't have been further from the truth...do it Heino:

Heino technoed-out his Blue Flower song and found a hot woman to bust it up with (thank goodness he chose a hot one, unlike his brief yet unspeakable Nina Hagen duet phase). Antonia is a fox, and because of the autotune you can enjoy her aesthetically as opposed to aurally. 

He did it again, he survived the movement in styles. He adapted and re-invented for a third time. This man is unreal. He's now been singing about how blue that same flower is for almost 40 years!

Rap? (please, for the love of god...don't.)

Did he have it in him? Could he handle rap? This seems like a stretch by all means, and I don't think anyone on earth honestly believed that Heino could pull off a transformation of this magnitude. 

Sadly, the following video is the only youtube vid of the end-result of Heino's final musical transmogrification and it gets interupted in the middle by some guy making fun of it. Do you really have to make fun of Heino rapping? Can't you just let us enjoy it? Making fun of Heino rapping is ridiculous, it's so beatifully bad that it's wonderous. It's ages of stratification, it's layer upon layer of silliness...bred from Schlager, hand woven over aeons, and now finally achieving its crystallization...the epitome of Heino-Volution....and you're gonna ruin it by poking fun at it like you're the only one who thinks this is bad? He should've just laid back and enjoyed the fruitification of decades of labor and harvested with us the Heinotables that took years to grow. Anyways, here's Heino rapping...

I had the mp3 of this for many years, and knew there was visual footage somewhere on the net. One day I found it, and it was as great as I imagined it. The girls dressed like Sir-Mix-A-Lot's girls, the kid "dancing", it's as bad as can...and then that guy has to come on and think he's funny. Making fun of Heino rapping is like poking a dead body with a stick and then robbing its valuables.

Kudos to Heino on hundreds of years of keeping himself "real." You threaten to retire every year and seem to have a retirement tour every month...but I know you're not going anywhere and I can't wait to see what you become next.

(April 09/2012 edit:YES! A NEW LIVE VERSION IS ON YOUTUBE!!!!! OH IT'S SO BAAAAD. Gives me sa beat! Are you ready for Heino?)

They gave him the beat!

His name on the side of his Shades: Vain or Totally Cool? You be the judge...

Beavis and Butthead are Back

In the old days, Beavis and Butthead never won, they never scored, and they never succeeded at life. In the new episodes coming out, I'm sure they won't score, they won't win, and will surely not succeed.

They're dumb, violent, mean, vulgar, horrible, little teenagers. You're never sure to laugh at them, hate them, pity them, or root for them. I think as a viewer everyone kind of takes a stand as they observe data, we want to see the hero win and the villain lose. Are they heroes? Anti-Heroes? Villains? You're never really sure. Are you supposed to cheer them on or learn a lesson from their idiotic ways? What's their deal?

Some think Beavis and Butthead was supposed to be a wake up call for society to start worrying about today's youth or to warn us about devo-lution (explored later in Judge's "Idiocracy" work). These are components, but I don't think this is the main idea behind it. I think they were meant to be rooted for like any other protagonist in any other work of literature.

The hardest protagonists to root for are the ones who never win. Ask a Chicago Cubs fan if that statement is true, they haven't won since 1908 and aren't looking like they will in the future. Beavis and Butthead will never age, never score, never win, and never succeed. They are forever trapped in the purgatory of failure and hardship. In essence they represent suffering in its purest form.

Look closely at the characters. They have no parents, they slave away at school all day and then slave away at minimum wage labor at Burger World (the fast food chain in their world) on their weekends, they are angry and depressed, they take their anger out on each other through violence. They live a life of suffering...and will never as long they exist in their story ever free themselves from their hardships.

Ouch, I think I hurt myself.

Each episode featured them losing, failing, getting beat up, beating each other up, being scolded at school, getting arrested, getting stuck in something, getting terribly bloody and injured. Life beats them down into the ground each and every time. Except for one...one episode in the entire run of the original series was totally different than the rest. It was their only victory, and it wasn't much but it was still a victory.

A GREAT DAY

A Great Day is a break from the motif of failure, hardship, and injury. They wake up and feel good, Butthead says "I think it's because I finally got some sleep" and Beavis says "Ah boy...I feel pretty good right about now." They start out happy, and everything just goes right for them. Their victories are not grand at all, they see some cool things and because of their good mood they have a positive outlook on life and for that brief moment in time...the nachos taste better, the sight of two dogs banging makes them laugh more heartily, looking up at the sky and going "ah boy...I feel good today" makes them feel a-o-kay.

This was our heroes victory. One day in their miserable, impovrished, beat-down lives where they were happy. This episode feels odd and out of place, but I understand it now, that it's those little silly things in life, those little passing moments in time when things make you smile and you don't know or can't explain why. You got some sleep the night before and had pleasent dreams and you just feel pretty good right about then. You get a couple of breaks that day, you know, the laws of random chance just fall in your favor. You see someone else get injured instead of you (schadenfreude) and are glad you're not getting hurt for once...you know...stuff like that. You learn to appreciate those little things.

These guys didn't need much to be happy, they could laugh at literally anything. They laughed through all the tough times. They just wanted to be free from school, free from menial labor...they wanted to be free so they could rummage through trash cans and find porno magazines. They wanted to explore the world, do America, and find cool places and see cool things like cars crashing, dogs banging, stuff they never saw before.

"Someday I'd like to be like that, you know, a kid finds a dead bird...you give him 20 bucks for it."

"Beavis...life just keeps getting better."

They're thinking about the future and they're place in it and how great it's gonna be. This episode was so different than the others. These kids are ok, they're good kids, they had it rough and act out but they just want the same thing anyone wants...just to be free and to be happy. They just want a couple of great days. That's all.

Attack of the Heavenly 9-Tongued Nezha !!

3-Head-6-Armed Nezha

 I've always had an interest in looking at the small differences in the human condition. Differences which we use to brand and label each other. We assign labels to each other based on color, gender, beliefs, geo-political origins, outward appearances, and language. We love to find little differences between us and focus on them and then fragment into small groups and develop rivalries over these differences. These rivalries can lead to arguments, fights, and sadly...wars.

To avoid future wars, it might be important to stop obsessing over our little differences. For people who are concerned over this, I find it's always a good idea to have some rhetorical claims handy to use as counter points when talking to people who hate-on a group of people over some small little thing.

For example, if you are dealing with a someone who dislikes others over the color of their skin. You can tell that person that the color of a person's skin/eyes/hair is entirely based on the level of melanin in their bodies and that the level of melanin has no impact on the intelligence or abilities of said person. Hopefully, they will realize that hating people over varying levels of melanin is silly and abandon the idea.

If someone is hating-on over geographic location, you can bring up how we are all on the same rock travelling through the universe...a universe which is limitless. Hopefully, they realize the scope of things and will abandon the idea that someone from a certain region of earth is bad for being from that region.

A tongue designed for other purposes

When dealing with language, you have to break it down to simple terms as well...

Language is latin for the word "tongue" and is how we use our smelly old tongues as tools to communicate a need/want/emotion to other human persons or animals. We all want to communicate with others and the more ways you can manipulate your tongue to rap out words the better.

When someone is hating-on over language you can try this rhetorical claim out for size...

Our brains are a very powerful organism and have a great capacity to hold data. The part of the brain that handles language has enough room on its organic hard drive to store an unlimited amount of vocabulary, and an unlimited amount of languages and regional dialects. Do we have to fight over which language is better when it is 100% possible to learn ALL languages? If you don't have the time in your tight schedule, no worries either, translation programs are getting better and better every day and researchers are adding more languages into their code as we speak. Let computers do all the legwork, and then reap the data reward.

Don't believe me that you could learn ALL languages if you tried? Here are some examples of Polyglots (dudes/dudettes who could rap in a lot of languages) over the years:


Hugo Masing (Wiki Page)

Hugo "The Amasing" Masing was a grand daddy of tongues, the man could bust out lyrics in over 40 tongues.

Known to his close friends and family as "Uku," his mastery of tongues allowed him to communicate with close to any hearing-able human.



Giuseppe Caspar Mezzofanti (Wiki Page)

Joey is listed by the wikipedia folks as being a "hyper-polyglot" which sounds cool. He poly got a lot of crackers! He could walk into a bar in China, order a beer and hit on a few waitresses in perfect Chinese. He could lay down some dozens with some cats in Istanbul in perfect Turkish. He could ask for his money back in a restaurant in Germany in perfect German. He could swear at a guy in Spanish. He could serenade a chick in Italian...etc. etc. etc.

José Protacio Rizal Mercado y Alonzo Realonda (Wiki Page)

JPRMyAR was a Filipino guy and the Manny Pacquiao of verbal communication (if you will).

When you reach the state of Hyper Tongue you become a veritable 9-Tongued Nezha and the whole world becomes your home. Pretty slick, eh?

Conclusion:

enlarge for FAIL

Most people have tongues, some had them removed, which is very sad. Some have one tongue (with two lips and two lungs I'd assume), some have two tongues, and some like Masing and Mezzofanti had so many tongues they were nothing but tongue.

If you only speak one tongue (sadly I have not mastered even one language as of yet, but I'm trying), please don't fall in love with your tongue. Falling in love with a part of your body is simply narcissistic and gross, it's like people who fall in love with their stupid hand and masturbate all day. People who fall in love with their own tongue are basically putting their heads between their legs, jamming their tongue around/in their genitals and giving themselves oral sex...then when they open their mouth to speak to others they spew out genital breath all over their audience.

I think the Great Sage, Lester Napoleon Green, said it best...

"Anyone can have a tongue, it doesn't matter what tongue you got. You can use anybody's tongue..."

Words of the wise.

My Mind on Economy and Economy on My Mind

The economy is pretty bad right now, in fact it's the worst it has been in a very long time. What's up economy? What's your deal anyway?

My Economy Teacher

This is going to sound stupid, but my foremost understanding of the Economy is not from the Macro and Micro classes I took in school but from an old Super Nintendo game called Uncharted Waters 2: New Horizons. I used to play this addictive Koei game in my halcyon days as a human youth and I can straight up assure you that I learned more about how the global economy works from this game than I did from school. I played the game as a young Turk named Ali Vezas living in the 16th century, me and Ali bought a beat up ship with our best friend Salim and proceeded to sail around the world and become gazillionaires.

We talk about the term "globalization" as if it's something new, but the economy has been globalized since we invented ocean-faring vessels. We still to this day ship goods by boat, nothing has changed since the 16th century. The boats got bigger and faster, but aside from that nothing is different from the times when me and Ali conquered the world together.

Koei's simulation of the global economy of the era was quite interesting. To keep you a bit more on your toes they wrote an algorithm into the game which fluctuated the price index at all port cities, but not at random, it fluctuated by how much money was coming in and out of the port. So me and Ali came up with this great idea, what we did was:

1. We Bought all the goods at one port city (call it Port A) in order to put money into that port and strengthen its economy. Now, since more money was in the port (currency used in this era was silver ingots), naturally money was worth less at this port (experts call this "inflation").

2. So then we sold all that shit we bought in Port A into another port city (let's call it Port B) and we didn't even really care if we made a profit on it. All we cared about was that this city now has spent money to buy the goods and that its currency is now more scarce then it previously was (i.e. their money is worth more).

3. Now we kept doing this over and over ad nauseum until Port A's currency was rock bottom and Port B's currency was through the roof. Then we just bought all the cheap goods from Port B (who's money was still worth something and sold their goods cheap) and sold them to Port A (who's money was as plentiful as water and would pay through the teeth for goods because you can't eat/drink/do-anything with a stupid thing like money) and we made a KILLING!

Three easy steps to motherfuckin' success! Me and Ali were buying Art from the port in Athens and selling it to the port in Istanbul, then bought carpets with the profit and sold them into Athens' now saturated market. We were swimming in dough, it was really sweet!

So there we were bustin' around Istanbul flashing our coins around town and bragging about how we discovered Lake Titicaca, when the great Sultan of the Ottoman Empire, Mr. Suleiman himself, hears about how chill and rich we are and calls us up to this palace. He's all like:



Sultan: "Yo bros! You're stinking rich! That's sick son!

Us: "Ya guy! We're buying all this faggy Art shit from Greece and selling it to the hip cats here!

Sultan: Sick!

Us: Ya!

Sultan: But yo, check it. Why even buy that Art fag shit for? Why not just give Athens money for free!?

Us: What?

Sultan: Yo, they'll have so much money in the port that it won't be worth anything at some point.

Us: ?????

Sultan: Dude! If you just dump money into the port it'll completely saturate their economy, get it?


Us: That's a brilliant idea guy! Let's just give them money for free! Sick! Dude, you're the smartest guy.


Sultan: Straight up. Here take 100 silver ingots and go dump them in there and other ports. For real gangstas!


Us: Thanks man!

Over 2000!?

Why didn't we think of that? Our goal is just to drive down their currency, so why even bother buying their dumb art garbage for? Let's just throw money at them for free until their price index collapses and they start paying through the teeth for any commodity. Seriously, what are they gonna do with a bunch of money? You can't eat money or do anything with money. Plus, because we were giving these people money for free they loved us and even gave us tax free permits to trade with their port without even paying taxes to their local government.

At this point we were selling Athens (or you could do it with any two ports in the game really, Athens and Instanbul were just near where they start Ali Vezas) Carpets from Instanbul at insanely high mercantilistic prices. They had more money than water...the trouble is...it wasn't worth diddley squat.

Then we thought...why not do this all over the globe at every fucking port and just leave a few ports unsaturated to buy cheap goods from? Every port (except a select random few who's currency was kept strong so we could buy cheap goods) was saturated with currency overkill and would pay us insane sums of money for our cheap goods. Needless to say, me and Ali were literally gazillionaires.

I paid Luka 10 pennies per year

Then Ali's like, "yo, guy...what do we do with all this fucking money 'scro?". Good question, what do we do with a ridiculous amount of money like this? We can buy whatever cheap shit we need whenever we want because commodities are cheap. We can pay anybody we want to work for us for table scraps because many ports are so saturated that they'll work for anything (we were paying our crew in bread and water and our captains 10 gold pieces per year). I concluded that we should put all this money into a bank in one of the ports and let it grow interest so we can keep watching the numbers get higher and higher. Do you know how much interest 10% of a gazillion is?

Basically, we globally crashed the entire economy then took all the money back and let it sit in a bank just to watch it grow for no other reason than some sick numeric fetish to see how big the number could get.

To buy a bag of peanuts...

How 'Bout in Real Life?

Could something as deranged as that be occurring in real life? Currency is a human made invention and runs on algorithms just as the one used by Koei to simulate a world economy. Are real world humans trying desperately to find little loopholes in the system that will make them rich?

A great historic example (this one had no evil motive behind though) of a market being ruined simply by adding money to it is the case of King Mansa Musa of Mali. Old Mansy took a trip down to Mecca to get down with the Islam in 1324 and brought a few too many gifts from Mali with him,

Ingots

"Mansa Musa organized a massive pilgrimage to Mecca in 1324. Included in his large entourage were hundreds of servants, thousands of soldiers, and eighty camels bearing twenty four thousand pounds of gold. Most of which he gave away to strangers in Mecca and Medina. In Cairo he gave every officer of the court a large amount of gold, causing acute inflation in the Cairo market. It took twelve years before the gold market recovered."

-http://www.kurahulanda.com/west-african-kingdoms/west-african


The currency system was designed to help people coexist, to improve the barter system and let people with different specialized jobs create something and then trade their extra stuff for other things from other folks with different specialized jobs. Has the currency system become nothing more than a giant mess of loopholes being exploited and then re-exploited for the sole reason of watching numbers get bigger in a bank account? Is most of the money that exists in the system (the life blood of the economy) sitting in some bank somewhere?

You ever looked at how the Commodity Exchange works? Basically,

1. A farmer makes a smooth batch of corn
2. Around 12 to 1000 people buy and sell this corn back-and-forth from their computer terminals
3. Finally the guy who really wants the corn to use it to make something purchases it and receives the corn.

The second step of the process is where guys like me and Ali pull all sorts of shtick and exploit so many silly loopholes in the system. It's completely unnecessary in the process but it gives people the chance to make a profit or at least saturate or de-saturate a market.

What about the stock markets? Well since they got them all over and in different time zones the traders can play the games 3 times in one day,


1. They open the NYSE in the morning and millions of traders buy low and sell high.
2. Then they open the LSE and the same money from the same traders is used over again for another round.
3. Next they open the Tokyo Stock Exchange and they play with the same money again.
4. When the millions of traders had enough they put that money back in its coffin...the limitless Swiss Bank Accounts in everyone's favorite "neutral" country...where it rests until the next day of trading.

It's not just one person exploiting the loopholes in the current system that causes all the problems in the world. There are millions of Ali Vezas's all over the globe in every city exploiting loopholes and together they literally ruin the world. I'd say 99.5% of people in the world today are Luka Ullmans, having to work all year for pennies just to buy overpriced goods they farmed/created/manufactured themselves to begin with.

Luka sailed through Africa and fought Moquele Mubembe with his bare hands to make 10 bones.

Is Moquele the myth? Or is "Economy" the REAL MYTH? Am I Right?

The Science behind Why Bad Movies are Good

Bad movies have a niche following, sometimes those followings are so large that a bad movie will make more money, be remembered longer, and have its lines used more often than good movies. I was wondering if there was some sort of tangible or even scientific reason as to why someone would enjoy watching horrible movies. The following are the three scientific factors which I believe are at play.

1. Pretentious Factor

Pretentious is defined by the internet as "attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed."

I think a lot of people are turned off by "good" movies because the industry takes itself a little too serious. Hollywood actors are basically the American equivalent of the British Royal Family, these actors are worshipped and given millions of dollars for simply looking well. It's hard for some to sit and watch Tom Cruise or one of those types and not feel angry or offended by his face or voice because we know how rich and terrible this person is behind the scenes of the film.

Phantom Menace (Q-P=E):  70 - 70 = 0

Directors can also display a level of pretentiousness that can make an audience not want anything to do with their movies.

A good example of what I am trying to say is that band Metallica. They make good music but if you ever go behind the scenes and know that these guys sued every small company who had Metallica in their name (even those well before the band existed) and bullied them with expensive lawyers just for a chance to make a few extra bucks, you might not like their music as much anymore. When you find out they sued Napster when it first came out even though they have millions of dollars in their pockets, again, you might be a little turned off by them and in turn turned off to their music.

Dolemite (Q - P = E):  70 - 0 = 70

The level of pretentiousness displayed by the actors and directors of the film have a negative impact on the final product. If the movie is good (say an 85/100 on the quality scale) but the level of pretentiousness displayed by the artists behind it is extreme (say 90/100 on the P scale) the enjoyableness of this film becomes -5.

Algorithm:  (Quality of Film) - (Level of Artists Pretentiousness) = Enjoyability Level

Take an awful film which the quality is about 30/100 yet say the pretentiousness of the actors and director involved is only 15/100, (30 - 15 = 15), the Enjoyabiliy Level of this film is 15. The lower quality movie may have a higher Enjoyability Level than a high quality film.

I think that's a big reason why many people prefer bad movies to good ones.

The Room (Q - P = E):  0 - 100 = -100

-EXCEPTION-

An exception to this is a film called The Room starring Tommy Wiseau. The Room is a terrible film made by a pretentious dude who wrote a story about how this great guy (played by himself) has an evil girlfriend who cheats on him but cries for him at the end when he kills himself. He threw in a few extended love scenes where he gets to feel up the lead actress and some filler and then released it.



On the EL algorithm (Q - P = E), The Room is (0 - 100 = -100). Statiscally, it is the least enjoyable film ever created which is a historical distinction in itself. The Room also suffers from disjointed sequencing and delivery as an added bonus.


2. Disjointed Sequencing and Delivery

Our brains have been wired up to sequence audio and language in a rhythmic and predictable fashion. Repetitive beats and sequences of audio rhythms are natural to the brain. Rhythmic sequence is present at every moment of your brain's life, it's intertwined with your memory and motor skills. An example from Daniel Levitin's piece "The World in Six Songs" may help explain this,

"Most North American children learn the alphabet by learning the letters set to the melody of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' (the same melody as the beginning of 'Ba Ba Black Sheep'). The song has phrase boundaries because of its rhythmic structure, gaps between the letters g and h, k and l, p and q, s and t, and v and w, forming natural 'chunks':


abcd efg hijk lmnop qrs tuv wxyz


...most children don't memorize this all at one sitting, but rather they work their way up, memorizing these small units."

- Levitin, D. "The World in Six Songs" (p. 171)


Everything we do from talking, writing, dancing, and working has a rhythmic beat behind it. We can use this to predict sequence changes as well, which we do all the time. When a unit in a sequence is off we notice it and try to understand it.

An example everyone might know of is Quentin Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, in this film the beginning, middle, and end sequences are radomly inserted into the structure and it makes the film somewhat hard to follow. Is the disjointed sequencing of the film just a cute gimmick or something more? Did our brains take notice and try harder to piece the sequence together? Yes it did, it made you pay more attention and it gives the film originality. His "efg" was before his "abc" and his "lmnop" was after his "wxyz" to refer it to the previous example.

Disjointed rythms in music give the artist originality points as well. The Minutemen, Primus, Nomeansno, Fugazi, and others employ hard to follow disjointed rhythms in many of their songs which throw the brain off and make you focus a little harder.

As mentioned above, The Room has horribly disjointed sequencing and delivery to a point where you can't wait to hear Wiseau zombie-mumble out his next line because you have no idea what this fucking guy is going to say. Another example of this is the great film Samurai Cop where the delivery of every actor involved in the film is broken and disjointed to the point of insanity as evidenced in this following clip...

There is nothing normal or predictable about any of the lines delivered in that above clip. Even the laughs are so out of place and disjointed that they compliment the reaction shots perfectly and it ultimately leads up to the Samurai Cop's speech which is the coup de grace that puts all movies to shame. I love this effin' movie so bad.


3. Party Atmosphere Quotient

Cute Audience

At a football game you can be loud, drunk, and obnoxious and that's good. At a movie theatre you are removed if you speak which is good for some but kinda sucky for others. When people assemble to watch bad movies (old drive in movies, John Waters movies, Rocky Horror Picture Show..and surprisingly the modern day "The Room" has reached this level) the assembly of people is engaged and participates in the overall enjoyability level of the film. At screenings of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" they dress as characters and sing along and drink and have fun, at "The Room" they drink and throw spoons and yell out the lines before the characters say them and it adds a level of audience participation to the screening. Honestly, do we go to football or movies to sit quietly and watch? Why not just watch in the comfort of your own home then? We go to these things to be around other humans and socialize and be together, it's counter intuitive to remain silent in my opinion.

I remember being at a screening of Shaolin Soccer (which has a very high EL) and because it was foreign, gimmicky, and people just had to read the subtitles and not hear the actors, everyone in the theatre was loud, fun, crazy, and having a good time. This was the first time I saw film goers act in this manner and I thought there was something downright correct about it. We don't mind if people talk during "bad" movies, in fact it is encouraged.

Joel Hodgson made a career out of talking during bad films when he created the cult-classic Mystery Science Theatre 3000...

To sum up...I guess it's possible that it's more fun to sit down and laugh with others at disjointed silliness than it is to sit down in a crowded theatre and look silently at pretentious moving pictures for 2 hours.

A Treatise on the Ways to Balance Yourself while You are Not in the Laying Down Position to Rest or Sleep

Balance

Our bodies evolved wrong and our spinal columns are not up to par by any means. That corkscrew of bone, marrow, and sinew has to support all your weight for crying out loud. I like to lie on my back and read or sleep but I have trouble sleeping and I only usually sleep for only 5 hours per cycle. For (24 - 5 = 19) about 19 hours per day you have to cope with your human spine and there are several ways you can balance your frame while you are up and about. The following are the methods of which you can balance yourself while you are not in the resting position which will be noted on a scale of 0 to 100.




Sitting

Cracking your neck ganglion is important

I lot of people speak highly of sitting and a lot of folks work at jobs where they sit all day. Personally, I am not that big on sitting. I have pains in my lower back when I sit for too long, I think it's from doing moving for a number of summers and pulling something of some sort in the lower back region, like a muscle or a wire or a connecting joint in there. When I sit, it's usually to chill, to eat, to drink, or to use the internet and I take breaks from sitting from time to time. If you don't take breaks your legs will atrophe and fall asleep. If your leg(s) succumb to paralysis you should swing your neck from side to side like Roberto Clemente, because all your nerves and ganglions connect in your neck and when you wiggle them around it restores feeling to your paralytic parts.

Sitting is fun sometimes

You must take into account that there are some activities you can do only when you sit. For instance to use a laptop computer you must have a "lap" and thusly you must be in the sitting position. Similarly, to get a lap dance you must also have a "lap" and thusly you must be in the sitting position (and you must have at least 10 dollars).

In most countries (excluding Japan) they use sitting as the standard balance position while taking a number 2 (or a 1 and a 2 if you are female) which is convenient because most toilets were designed to accommodate people who are in the sitting position. Be careful when sitting on public toilets because germs will get into any cuts you have on your butt...other people's poop is the worst thing to get inside your body and you have to avoid this at all times.

 Overall Score: 71 / 100

Kneeling

Try to avoid this...

Kneeling is the poorest option you can use in almost every plausible circumstance. Knees are the bane of the human body, they are just cartilage and cannot sustain any strenuous tasks or damage. I was standing on a chair once and I fell off and my left knee landed on the leg of another chair and it really hurt, and then the very next day I fell off a rolled up 14 foot carpet that I was balancing like a tightrope-walker on and landed on the same knee, and it hurt. Two months later I was running for the city bus and I slipped on some ice and the impact was mainly absorbed by the same left knee in question. Now, when I was younger I thought that I could strengthen the cartilage by repeatedly punching my knees and I thought it worked...but it didn't. You cannot make the cartilage tougher, all you can do is take all precautions to avoid strenuous pressure or direct impact to your knees.
 

Your knees are mainly for running

 A lot of people like to stump up stairs on their knees to show their devotion to their respective deity. This practice is a danger to you, and it is a danger to your knees. Your knees are just a joint that makes your legs bend so you can run and walk...they are not ever meant to be used in balancing your frame while you are not in the restive position. Expert runmen and runwomen never use their knees for anything other than the running, walking, or jogging process.

Pew Kneelers help you kneel.

Kneeling is used often (not by choice) while doing labor where you need to be at ground level but still need the use of your hands for the task you are attempting. For example, if you are changing floor tiles, it is likely that you would have to kneel and put all your stupid weight on your knees in order to accurately place the tile in the right location on the floor. Other "jobs" may also require kneeling.

Kneeling gets +5 bonus points because it gives some people employment. Manufacturers, repairers, and re-upholsterers of church pew kneelers benefit from kneeling.

Overall Score: 12 / 100

Squatting

Squatting is highly underrated. Like stated above, to use your hands at ground-level you might have to get down on your knees. With squatting you can reach ground level, retain the use of your hands, yet not damage your knees....which is a healthy alternative. 

Japanese toilets

To squat you must have strong haunches and ankles. Some people can squat with their feet completely on the ground while others squat on their toes and their heels stick up in the back...either way is okay.

In the Sitting section I mentioned that Japan does not have toilets that are convenient for sitting on, in its stead they have toilets designed for the squatting position. If you are in Japan you must be able to squat or you will have immense difficulty evacuating your bowels. The street toughs and common thugs in Japan also squat (even when not taking dumps). They squat to look tough so watch out if you see anyone squat in Japan because they are either going to evacuate a meat loaf or try and rob your traveler's cheques.

The only job I can think of which asks you to squat for extended periods of time is a baseball catcher. Catchers, such as Ron Karkovice pictured to the left, may be asked to squat for upwards of 5 to 30 minutes per half inning of play (9 or more innings * ~15 min. = ~135 minutes per baseball game).

To build ankle/haunches/calf muscles you should squat with weights or give piggy back rides to friendly people in your neighborhood.

Overall Score: 31 / 100

Standing Up

The human spine whilst in the upright position

I'm sure everyone is familiar with standing up because you do it often. People who work all day while standing in the same position (i.e. assembly line, etc.) should put a rubber mat under where they work to cushion the impact of the small movements your lower body makes throughout the day, you'd be surprised how much stress standing in the same spot puts on your bones and spine...and only employers who are cheap fucking assholes will not buy those fucking rubber mats. 

You should take time as often as possible to stretch your joints throughout the day and to crack and throw your neck around from side-to-side like Clemente or even press your palm or knuckle into the side of your neck (like Bruce Lee or Piccolo off of Dragon Balls does) until you hear that satisfying cracking sound to ensure optimum flexibility and elasticity of your neck's ganglion.

Standing is boring.

Overall Score: 33 / 100

Standing While on a Non-Flat Surface with an Inclined Angle

Oblique angles are pretty good.

This is hard. You will encounter this often if you are a mountain climber, a roofer, or someone who climbs up roofs at night to look at the world from different oblique angles. Looking at things you see at ground level all day from an alternate oblique angle is a great and fulfilling human activity but you must always exercise caution and safety while standing on angled surfaces (especially at great heights).

To stand on non-flat surfaces properly you must proportion the gravity and the angle with your body and be aware of what angle your body is on and mentally re-proportion yourself while you go up or down the incline or stand at different degrees on the angle. You must also remember to wear shoes which have soles with a good grip, or even take a staple gun and go inside your shoes and shoot staples through the inside of your shoe so the prongs of the staples stick out the soles of your shoes (but the latter is not necessarily unless the roof is really icy).

Overall Score: 57 / 100

Leaning on Something

Leaning on something is hands down the best method of balancing yourself while not laying down. What you are doing is standing but putting the gravity, and thusly the work, onto an inanimate object. The beauty of leaning on something is that you can lean on just about anything. For example, if you cannot find a seat on the bus you should lean on anything that is not a person.

"malacca" is Greek for "a nice guy."

A lot of old folks and flamboyant street hustlers these days carry an object around with them so they are never without something to lean on. These objects are "walkers" or "canes", which can differ in style from malacca to pimp varieties. They work as a third leg which offers you more resistance against the horrible force of gravity which pulls you towards the center of the earth as our planet shoots through space on an constant axis at nose bleed speed. You must fight gravity at all times while you are not in the standard resting position and tools such as these are valuable in this never ending battle between matter and anti-matter.

Leanin'

The best thing about leaning is that you look cool while you do it. Take the photo to our left of the Ramone brothers standing in their leathers up against a wall. They are battling the evil forces of gravity effortlessly thanks to the wall, yet they remain looking bad and tough in case a group of chicks walks by. 

The only downside to leaning is that some objects are dangerous to lean on. If you are on a hotel sky rise suite and are out on the balcony frying up some weenies you should inspect the guard rails prior to leaning on them.

Overall Score: 91 / 100

Conclusion:

Gravity keeps us stuck on our space rock as it hurdles through the universe, which is great, but it also keeps us down and we must counter act it by any means necessary. The best and most stylin' way (hands down) to deal with gravity is to lean on something. 

What should you lean on? Well, If you are an inner-city youth you should lean on J.L. Clark, if you are not strong then you should lean on Bill Withers. All in all, if you should find yourself feeling pain or spinal stress while up and about during your daily tasks just look to your left or right and I bet there will be an adequate object to lean on. 

....oh and remember to alternate your lead leanin' foot at times. Most people focus most of their weight on one foot while leanin'...but you must alternate your lead leanin' foot!

Obsessed with Artificial Crap

Whoa! Look! It's 13 tons of floating cosmetic products!

People love fake shit. Think about these ones:

1) When they made Orange Drink, the corn-syrup cheap replacement for orange juice, they made the orange color more visually pronounced and visually appealing through additives and food coloring chemicals. The color of real orange juice just was not orange enough for us.

2) Perfume is made from the sweat, tissue, and puke of sperm whales (ambergris). Females think it's a good idea to attract males by covering the natural odors of their bodies with the vomit of whales. Most males are attracted to women's smells not the smells of whale puke...it's actually kind of an offensive odor to be honest. Plus, nowadays they don't even use ambergris...they make synthetic ambergris which smells exactly like whale puke but it fortunately spares the whale. You womens are buying fake whale puke!

3) Auto-tune...why does every singer want to sacrafice originality to sound like they are talking in front of rotating fan? Every singer wants to sound like Soundwave from Transformers. This is silly.

4) Generic synthetic leather couches. Ikea, Brault & Martineaux, and all the other chain bigbox stores import these generic fake leather couches from China and everyone buys them. Leather has a smell, a feel, and a look to it that is indistinguishable. The synthetic leather does not feel, smell or even look like leather...it looks, feels and smells like vinyl. Everyone who has one of these in their home, always without fail, will brag to you that they have a leather couch.

"If a horse won't eat it, I don't want to play on it" - "Big" Dick Allen on artificial grass.

Corn syrup drinks, perfume/cologne, auto-tune, and synthetic fabrics are the norm now. This is what the consumer wants, it wants artificial products. This is what the audience for musicians want, it wants artificial music. People want artificial fabrics. The sellers are just giving the buyers what they ask for. Why do we want these things? Because that's what everyone else wants so it must be what I want.

We want to be saturated in reasonable fac similes of reality....but isn't reality refreshing sometimes? Aren't those strange things that don't seem to fit...a breath of fresh air? Take that show American Idol, where everyone is trying to achieve that level of reasonable fac simile and fit into the mold of what is "good" and what the audience wants. Why when William Hung came around did people take notice of him? Sure, many were laughing at him, but I think the main quality that propelled him to stardom was Hung's realness. The mold was diecast...yet he broke the mold.

Who set up what was right to be begin with? True musicians search for the the Perfect Beat...but is there even a Perfect Beat? If one person's trash is another person's treasure...then how can anything be perfect?

A term in linguistics called "Prescriptivism" applies to this situation, where some ruling power/authority prescribes a correct manner of speech and writing. How can there be a perfect or even right way of talking/writing in a world with a hundred thousand different dialects and languages? All us english speakers were prescribed what was "right" by the Victorian English Monarchy. It's right to pronounce a word in a certain way...but terribly wrong to pronounce it in another way. For all french speakers, the Académie Française (established in 1635) is the authority which governs proper pronunciations and, of course, decides whether a belt is male or female (a belt is a chick by the way).

Is what is "right" totally arbitrary? Yes, and that's why when a William Hung comes to town everyone takes notice. Because deep down inside we all crave for arbitrary rules to be broken. 

Take the greatest language, Mathematics, for instance now. Scientists have smashed apart the rules over and over again. When Einstein and others first started saying that the rules of math won't work in all cases and that there are certain special cases where the current set of rules would not apply...they called them crazy. Apparently, the story of Alice in Wonderland was written as a tongue-in-cheek bashing of the new math rules coming out in the mid 19th century. Lewis Carroll apparently was a mathematician and devout Victorian Rule-Lover who was enraged by the new concepts being proposed and made fun of them in his book...

By now, scholars had started routinely using seemingly nonsensical concepts such as imaginary numbers - the square root of a negative number - which don't represent physical quantities in the same way that whole numbers or fractions do. No Victorian embraced these new concepts wholeheartedly, and all struggled to find a philosophical framework that would accommodate them. But they gave mathematicians a freedom to explore new ideas, and some were prepared to go along with these strange concepts as long as they were manipulated using a consistent framework of operations. To [Carroll], though, the new mathematics was absurd...

-Melanie Bayley (http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20427391.600-alices-adventures-in-algebra-wonderland-solved.html?full=true)

Having said that, let's go back to music now. Knowing that the rules for what is "good" are arbitrary and that different things will please different folks, and that everyone basically wants crap. I think originality has a big place in music. You wouldn't have Rock and Roll if someone didn't get tired of playing what everyone else was playing, you wouldn't have rap if someone didn't get tired of playing what everyone else is playing (etc etc.).

One wikipedia entry I find very interesting is the one on Bavarian composer and music theorist N.Seneda. Seneda seemed to understand that the only way to break the current rules and create something new (and hopefully good...but not necessarily) was through, what he called, the "Theory of Obscurity." He believed that you had to disregard everything you heard and know from the music world around you to truly create something original (though not necessarily enjoyable to the listener mind you). Rumors say he would lock himself away in the wilderness, or some secret room, or Patmosian-esque cave for years to compose his great symphonies without being influenced from outside sources.

"...a man or woman moreso than this being can be called an artist, can only produce pure art when the expectations and influences of the outside world are not taken into consideration." -N. Seneda

You gotta keep it real and original too....simply for the sake of breaking silly rules.

Um, I think you're "leather" chair looks kind of like plastic...no?

(spellcheck says I spelled "sacrafice" wrong...did you grammar red barons catch it?).

(Oh, and ponder this too...is that bum Tom Petty famous because he's on TV or is Tom Petty on TV because he's famous?)