Heino's Final Form...Is it Finally Upon Us?

Too much serious stuff of late. I'm gonna knock out a fluff piece now. I think I am gonna write another article about Heino.

A couple of Dutch-moons ago (which is around 15 months or so), I wrote a piece about Schlagermann Extradinaire...Heino.

Right Here: https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.com/2011/10/the-secret-of-re-invention-as-exampled.html

In that article we looked at Heino's many transmogrifications and Heino-Volutions throughout the 20th and 21st century. In the conclusion, I pondered if Heino was going to stay retired for good or if he had one or two transformations left in him.

Recent news articles, tweets, and Facebook updates...lead me to believe that Heino may indeed be in his lair, focusing his music power, and attempting to reach his final form.

For instance, this article from German Heavy Metal news site "Metal Hammer" is reporting that Heino is attempting to fuse his Schlager style with Metal to create a hybrid musical genre known as "Schlager-Metal." The article goes on to say that Heino will cover Rammstein songs using his new Schlager-Metal technique.

You're probably familiar with Rammstein without even knowing it. You know when you're at a strip club and there's a chick who's trying to look all domineering and intense with her stage dance? Chances are she's doing that shtick to Du Hast by Rammstein...I'd say that's the case 95% of the time.

Anyway, Heino's official Facebook Page is claiming the same thing. It has even posted a picture of Heino's new logo and a picture of Heino preforming hardcore songs with an unknown band. The following three photos are from Heino's official Facebook so it's not a joke.

An artist's view of Heino's Final Form

Heino's official new biker gang banner.

Preforming in a small club in Bremen.

From the last picture, we know that this is not a stunt. Heino is starting from ground-up to reach his next musical echelon. He's preforming in small clubs to hone his skills before he reveals his true form and what his Schlager-Metal will sound like. He's honing, cultivating, and refining his musical technique.

What is Heino's current Music Power? In the last article I made a guess-timate but...honestly I don't know. We can't measure it properly because he's been out of the lime-light for so long.

Some music scientists are estimating him at higher levels than he was during his preivous Rap incarnation...but what are they even going on exactly? Do they know something we don't? Some witnesses claim seeing Heino engaging in heavy music-training in a remote Black Forest locale with Thomas Dolby and M.C. Pow-Wow-Wow. Could there be any truth to those rumors?

Personally, I think music and Heino have a strange relationship together. I don't think Heino chose to evolve at all this time. I actually think that Heino goes deep into hiding to get away from music...yet music keeps finding him. The forces of nature keep Music and Heino bound for life in an inter-change of action and reaction. No matter how hard Heino tries to flee from music...it keeps finding him and forces him to Heino-Volve again, again, and again.

For the above reason, I don't think Heino has been practicing as much as music scientists are claiming he has. I think he is resisting the flux in the genre change....yet he knows it is futile in the end and is finally letting it take hold.

With all that considered, is it possible that Schlager-Metal will be bad? This writer thinks so. I think there's a possibility that Heino's new musical transmogrification may result in a failure. Will Schlager-Metal be more of a mutant than an offspring? Will it be a music genre gone horribly awry, with seven arms and eight heads? It is possible.

In fact, in prior eras, hadrcore and more edgey acts used to openly poke fun at Heino's style. For example, here we see the punk rock-and-roll group "Toten Hosens" (Dead Pants), famous for their songs about pushing whales and welcoming Alex, dressing up as an army of Heinoes (not as a tribute but to make fun of Heino):

In this writer's opinion...it's possible they shunned Heino because they were scared that if one day Heino was to become a hardcore act himself...that they would be unable to compete with his record sales. Were the Dead Pants poking fun...or simply taking an offsenive stance to try and keep Heino away from the hardcore genre? An obvious question to pose now would be, why is Heino still famous...yet the Dead Pants are not? Could it be that some icons last the test of the times, while others simply fade away?

In the end, the only question one has left to ask at this point in the Heino-Volution cycle is....

....Are You Ready For the Heino?


EDIT (FEB 06/13)

After hearing the album. I am going to say with 100% honesty (no sarcasm, no nothing)...it's good. Four chunes in particular (5, 7, 10, 13) are good. I'm not even joking, it's actually really good. It's not "metal" by like any metal head's standards, it's just a little harder, but it works. I'm 100% serious.

He even re-tries rapping to some extent and he pulls that off too. After laughing at Heino for many years, I'm taken back, he just shut me up. It's like a new person.

Rock and Roll concerts I saw one time...

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 George Clinton (once)
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    A group of aged men and women came on the stage, none of whom I identified as being George Clinton, they dwelved deep down into the funk, the whole funk and nothing but the funk so help us god. They burst through the funk-o-liciousness of the P-Funk and the full bodiment of the funkoplasm covered the room up good. Then they gave a toast to their dead friend who apparently wore a diaper and nothing else during performances...

...then they introduced the legend himself, the King of Funk, George Clinton. He was dressed modestly and not overly funky. He looked like an aging funk hermit...who came out of his eternal funk cave resting place for one final funk explosion.

He had difficulty remembering words and timings. He looked out of shape yet this 70 year old man exuded more funky particles and funk-o-lectrons then anyone else. When he began his Maggot Brain opening statement before Mr. Hampton took over for a 10 minute guitar solo I began feeling emotional. I really like that little poem at the start of Maggot Brain and seeing him say it a directly in front of me was actually kind of emotional for me. I felt real raw dirty funk...

Trivial memories:

-a couple hot chicks danced with me briefly and gave me a resounding high five.

-George Clinton saw the waiter going through the crowd with a tray of beers and called for his attention, the whole crowd gestured for the waiter to take notice and he turned and handed Clinton a beer and then everyone cheered.

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Oliver Mtukudzi and friends (once)
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Oliver Mtukudzi in concert was a very enjoyable experience.

He played with Habib Koité, Afel Bocoum, and 6 Mali players. It was very good, they were in unison and played together, danced together and sang together. They are funny too, they introduced the next song always with a interjection of comedy or an anecdote.

They had some instruments I've never seen before like the balafons and the drummer had an extra piece on his drum set which was this wooden globe. Some of the guitars were ones I've never seen before or know the name of and they sounded really good.

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Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medecine (once)
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Biafra had not appeared in Montreal since 1986 with the Dead Kennedys. When I was 18 I bought a Dead Kennedys t shirt and wore it around a lot, I stopped wearing it when some people at John Abbott mistook the symbol for being something skin head related but of course it represented something very opposite of that mentality. I dug it out of my garage and put it on under a sweater before going to the carpet store I worked at during that time. When I got out of work and went to the concert I threw my sweater on some table and bought beer and moshed with crazy kids to Let's Lynch the Landlord, California Uber Alles, Holiday in Cambodia, Come on Bleed, and Police Truck.

During Police Truck the aged and very sweaty Biafra jumped off stage and right into me while we were moshing around....that was kind of memorable I must say.

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D.O.A. (numerous times)
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The best time I saw D.O.A. was thanksgiving day of 2010. I showed up late and tickets were sold out and they wouldn't let me bribe my way in or sneak in. When all hope was about lost and I was ready to pack up and go home Joey Shithead checked in the bar and I started talking to him. Many words later, we agreed that if I bought him one beer upstairs he'd put me on his guestlist and get me upstairs...

"Yo one more for Guestlist...."

Upstairs I bought Shithead a pint of beer and asked him about his recent travels to China. When they went on stage I went to the front...there were two Qubecois metal acts that opened and the crowd was very very rowdy that night. One kid that I was talking to before got up on stage and jumped off i caught and propelled him into the crowd and it was cool. I became the designated lifter to get people crowd surfing after that as everyone wanted to do it after they saw one monkey do it. I launched like 40 people into the air that night and it was really fucking fun.

This one chick was being moshed with inappropriately by a male and she started punching him right in the face. I like when chicks are cool like that.

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The Residents (once)
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The Residents are fucking weird but there's some deep raw honesty about their lyrics, and fantastic absurdity and originality to their shtick, that I just can't get enough of these effing mystery men.

There were these two crack heads who were smoking crack pipes right in front of me and they smelled like urine. I don't know how they managed to get in but at the time they were really annoying and if you watch any youtube vids from this concert you can hear them yelling at innoppurtune times through the whole song. Now their smell and annoying behaviour just helps me remember the concert very clearly so I guess I have to thank them.

The lead Resident's voice is so unique and odd that I want to absorb some of it into the way I talk and his mannerisms are cool too.

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Devo (once)
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Devo's shtick is pretty original as well, they are dudes from the future who are coming back to our time to tell us to be smarter and cooler in our day-to-day lives. Their show had a big screen backdrop that had video to accompany the performance, at one point the electricity gave out and the screen died but they kept going with flashlights because they are pretty good people. I danced with a young lady and we sang "Mongoloid" together and everyone had a great time as such.

The one knock on these guys is that they were hawking their "energy dome" chachkies for 30 bucks a pop, that's 30 bucks for a plastic hat. Mark Mothersbaugh was throwing them into the crowd for free though after as well as towels, and then it got sorta tongue in cheek and he started throwing towels that he wiped his butt with (over his pants though no worries) and then the dude that sings "Secret Agent Man" was throwing the dilapidated duct tape that held his mic to his mic stick into the throng of screaming Devo devotees who wanted souvenirs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhPvd1zMLN0&feature=fvst

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Hanson Brothers (coupla times)
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In 2001 I went to my first real punk rock show and it was the best. Everyone was throwing beer EVERYWHERE, people were jumping off the top deck into the mosh pit, one jumper left in a stretcher...it was nuts.

I knew every word to all their god damn silly songs too. I left a man after the show hanging on a high five cause I was tired and not really thinking about high fives in those days...I vowed never to leave a brother hanging ever again at that moment and have never done so since.

We're Bad! So Baaaaaaaaad! We're Bad! I believe this in my HEART and I believe this in my Soul but we will never live long enough to kno-ow! Cause We're Bad!

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Analysis of Joeseph Ramone's piece, "I donn't wanna go down to the basement"

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hey daddy-o
I don't wanna go down to the basement
There's somethin' down there.
I don't wanna go
Hey, Romeo(a)
There's somethin' down there
I don't wanna go down to the basement
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(Introduction)

    In a society where complexity, elusiveness, and convulution of words and ideas is seen as a mark of being "intelligent," it is always refreshing to see a piece of writing which avoids the aforementioned traits in a valiant attempt to remain simple. If a piece of writing is judged on the difficulty of the words it contains, or how strong the author's vocabulary is, or how effectively it convulutes basic simple ideas; it becomes inherent that all the important data of any written work will be ignored in favor of trivial nonsense.

    Author Joeseph Ramone in his work "I Donn't Wanna Go Down to The Basement" shows emphatically that writers do not have to convolute their work in order for it to be a good piece of writing.

    In "I Don't Wanna Go Down To The Basement" we are ushered into a world of intrigue, uncertainty, and suspense. It is perhaps the greatest work written by any writer throughout the interweaving tapestry of human histories. This essay will look deeper into this treasure trove of information that "I Donn't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" surely is.

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(Translation of Introduction)

    Yo, honestly bullshit sucks. I hate listening to bullshit. Why can't people just talk normal you know? When people just talk bullshit all the time it gets on my nerves. You ever heard that song where that guy doesn't want to go down to the basement? That songs rules! It's so true! I just can't listen to it while I drive though cause it's that freaking good. Man, I love that song!

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(Part 1: Basic Grammatical Breakdown)

    The piece opens with the lead character shouting to an unknown party referred to simply as "Daddy-O." The lead character tells Daddy-O that she or he refuses to go down to a location referred to as "The Basement." The reason the lead character gives as to why she or he refuses to go to the basement is due to "Something [being] down there."  The Who, the when, the why, the where, and the how have all been established within the first three lines of the author's work.

   One of the joys of written text is that much is left to the readers own devices and imaginations in order to paint mental pictures of what they perceive the story to mean. Joseph's style of writing is wonderful as it leaves  the reader purposely in the dark to fill in details themselves, and thusly exercise their cognitive skills.

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(Part 1 translation)

    The dude's all like Yo I don't wanna go down to the basement! He's like scared of something that's down there man!

Yo the dude doesn't even know what the hell's down there.

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(Part 2: Synthesizing opinions and arguments to form more experienced opinions)

    In the aspect of written language acting as a cognitive learning tool the process is indeed quite simple.

1. We read or hear data.
2. Said data is then recorded into the brain.
3. We decipher the code it is written in (English, French, Swahili, Morse, etc.)
4. We decipher the Who, What, When, Where and How of the data we have recorded.
5. We then form an opinion on what the data means and what aspects of it are important.

    We have read "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" and have already deciphered what is going on, we must now of course form an opinion on it to complete step number 5.

    My opinion on Joeseph Ramones piece is as follows. I believe that he is attempting to bring to life basic childhood fears which we have all experienced. The song makes us think of when we were young and afraid of things uncertain to us. The father of the lead character has asked his child to go the cellar and bring up a box of salt or some other foodstuff or tool of some kind. The child is reluctant because the cellar is dark and cold and it makes the child feel uneasy and scared. Thusly the child outright refuses to go down into the basement. We can all relate in a point in our lives where we felt uneasy or fearful and Joeseph's work both scares us yet also reminds us all of a simpler time when all we had to fear were silly things like dark basements.

    After forming opinions a new process must begin in order to improve our opinion. It is as follows,

6. We construct our opinion from the inputted data we have received.
7. We formulate our opinion for universal outputting by mentally giving it values within a universal code (Eng, Fr, Sw, Mor)
8. We output our opinions to others
9. Others give their input on said subject
10. We then reformulate our opinion once again using the new data we have to work with.
11. We have thusly synthesized our opinion with others opinions and have a more experienced opinion.

    For example, I may tell my opinion to a someone and then they will in turn tell me their opinion. Let's create a new opinion of Joeseph Ramone's "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" for good measure.

    My opinion of "I Don't Want to Go Down to The Basement" is as follows. I believe that it is a story of a child who lives in a haunted house and dwelling deep within the bowels of this haunted house are ghosts of a ghastly nature. They are ghosts who died many decades ago and reep the land of the living in search of revenge. The child refuses to go down into the basement because he is terrified of these ghosts. This story is ripe with symbolism, the child represents humanity, the basement represents society and the ghosts represent the immobilizing fear of death which exists in all humankind.

    For better measure let us create a third opinion of this work.

    My opinion of "I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement" is as follows. A man is living in a run down townhouse with five other roomates and it is his turn to clean the basement where they throw their weekly wild parties. The basement is full of hundreds of empty beer bottles, vomit, and other unsightly scenes. There's probably even a guy down there who passed out drunk and smells horrible. The man, obviously, does not want to go down to the basement.

    All three opinion are equally valid and in no way can ever be proved to be false. In fact an infinite amount of reasons can exist as to why the lead character refuses to enter the basement. All that is inherently true that we know to be true is that "Something" is "down there." By creating as many opinions on this as possible we begin to have a more experienced opinion of this piece of writing. The more data we have to synthesize the more complete our opinions will become as a whole. Discourse is instrumental to the learning process.

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(Translation of Part 2)

Oh man! I wonder what could be down there? Like a wolf or a wolfman or some week old mayonnaise or some crap! Oh man, it could be anything. My friend says its gotta be like a monster or something but I think it's like a robber or something  like that. It could be anything in that basement! Man this song rules!

This is how we learn stuff:

1. We See it.
2. We Think about it.
3. We Talk about it.
4. And stuff.

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(Part Three: The importance of reducing language to it's simplest terms)

    Why at institutions of learning must ideas always be convoluted into 400 page essays? Is elaboration the true mark of human knowledge?
    Take the most intricate of human languages, Mathematics, as an example. Why in math is it essential to reduce fractions to their simplest terms. How come we never say 2 out of 4 but instead say 1 out of 2? Both are fifty percent of one hundred of course yet it seems stupid in math to say 2 out of 4. In the case of English why is it that simplest terms are seen as being a mark of uneducation? In English it would make sense to always speak in simplest terms so that the maximum amount of people can understand, it makes sense. Why write a ten thousand word essay ripe with convoluted vocabulary when you can write a simple piece which states the same thoughts?
   


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(Translation of part 3)

This song rules so much cause the guy keeps it real, he doesn't talk bullshit you know? I hate bullshit, why can't we just keep things more real? When I'm at work and a dude wants me to do something he'll go, like yo go do that thing, the dude wouldn't freaking go into a all kinds of bullshit the dude would just say what had to be done and that's it.