Punchin' Up some Scripts.

I wanna learn how to write movies good.

I mainly write things in this blog to get better at the skill known as Writing. It's like any other skill, writing is, like you have to practice to get any good at it. I always used to read a lot but writing is more harder than reading and thus is a harder challenge to take on. Gettin' good at writing is like going to the driving range, or taking a car to a field to drive around and learn it....to really learn writing you got to go to a field (a paper or a computer screen) and start punchin' up keys 'til you gain proficiency as such.

This site mainly deals with essay-style writing because that's the only style I really know...but movie writing seems fun too.

I was on the internet the other day and saw someone a tweet a movie pitch he had to Jean Claude Van Damme over twitter. It was the internet writer Seanbaby and he pitched a sequel to Time Cop via twitter. He broke the pitch into 48 twitterable chunks and then assembled them chronologically backwards so if you are reading the film from his twitter feed...it would read from start to finish.

I realized while reading that Time Cop 2 pitch...that I've seen so many movies....that I can play a movie in my head and basically construct and visualize an entire film that doesn't exist in my brain. While reading the Time Cop 2 script I could easily visualize the goings-on of this film, no problem at all. It feels like I've already seen Tim Cop 2 even though it does not even exist.

Looking back, I've visualized entire films in my head over the course of a general-day many times....just from my imagination and nothing else. I look into the abyss of nothingness in my skull and then slowly visualize entire films from start to finish. Films that don't exist...films constructed from experiences of watching many films.

Sanguillen's Quest

Like one time, I read this article about how Pirates catcher Manny Sanguillen refused to believe that Roberto Clemente died in a plane crash and vowed to search the area where his plane went down and find his friend alive. While reading that article, I kept thinking, "damn, this would make such a touching film." The next day while at work and showering and stuff....that movie happened in my head. Manny Sanguillen's search for his friend kept me unbored while doing shitty stuff at work. This wasn't a great movie, though, it was a long time ago, it was probably like 10 years ago...my mental movies are better now. My imagination got too out of hand with this film and Sanguillen, whilst in the jungles of Nicaragua (or was it Ecuador?), had to battle lizards....and then the lizards kept getting bigger...and by the end he was fighting Dinosaurs with Lazor Beamz and it was just a silly place to take a heartwarming film such as this.

Committing these mental movies to some sort of existent record may be a fun exercise. Maybe it'll teach me how to write movies. You have to stick to your strengths when trying to write a new style of writing....and when it comes to movies...I seem to have some experience writing bio-pics for obscure baseball catchers.

Oh wait...I just remembered....

One time I did write a baseball bio-pic in school as a sort of joke thing to see what the teacher would say. I copied it to this blog and it's in this article over here....

(If you scroll all the way down in this mess to the pic of Steve Jeltz you can read Steve Jeltz Saves Christmas: https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.com/2012/02/the-steve-jeltz-thing-from-school-i-did.html)

That Steve Jeltz Christmas story is a very very heartwarming story. I was young when I wrote that, re-reading it now...I think I was a better person back then.

Soooo.....the only experience I have in both fiction writing and story telling is with obscure baseball players so I might as well train harder in the Obscure Baseball Player Story Telling genre in order to not have to learn anything new or apply myself too much whilst practicing movie writing.

First we'll need an obscure player, and sticking with the back-up catcher motif, we shall try and write a back-up catcher bio-pic. Hmmmmm, how about.....

A Mike LaValliere romance-comedy? No.

A Tony Eusabio crime drama? No.

A Ron Karkovice buddy cop film? No.

A deep introspective kafka-esque Lenny Webster vehicle? No.

A Rick Cerone workin' man movie? Hmmmmm......Yes!


The Rick Cerone Story

Well, that's the movie I'm gonna play around with in order to try and learn how to write movies. So, you can stop reading now if you want or you can follow me on this amazing adventure in learning.

Baseball bio pics are pretty common....I read there's a Bill Lee one coming out produced by Eric Gagne. I'm gonna watch that for sure.

The premise for the Bill Lee movie (this Bill Lee movie is a real one not like mine) has him fooling around in rural Quebec from what I've read and I don't know how that will sell to American audiences. I think they'd make more money setting it in Boston, no? It's not even Montreal it's set in, it's set in like the Triple AAA league and in like Granby or something.

I watched that Jackie Robinson bio-pic with Harrison Ford and it was really good and it made big bucks. Montreal had a big role to play in Jackie's rise to success yet in the movie they really cut out any reference to Montreal except for a brief mention by Ford at one point. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed but I understand why they set it in Florida and that's because American audiences respond better to that. They don't want to hear about french Canada if they don't have to. The Bill Lee movie, I hope it does well, despite being set in rural french Canada. I think it's a great idea but I'm not sure how the American audiences will react to the non-american setting for the Bill Lee bio-pic.

Anyways, this article I'm writing is about my baseball bio-pic so we better get to it. My movie isn't gonna have any trouble with setting because it's gonna be set in the biggest city there is...New Fucking York in 19-fucking-81...The Big Apple, baby. That's the biggest setting there is!

Now we need some historical information to base our "based on actual events" bio-pic on. If you're not familiar with that phrase it basically means...."based on something we read once and it sounded cool so we stole the idea." I'm gonna use this New York Times article as my "actual events" as such.

"And Rick Cerone is STILL on Trial" October 12th, 1981:
(http://www.nytimes.com/1981/10/12/sports/and-rick-cerone-is-still-on-trial.html)

Did you read it? Now do you see why a Rick Cerone "workin' man versus the big wig" type of movie would be awesome? All the characters for the film are set-up from that 1981 Dave Anderson article. The working hero and the rich evil big wig boss that is keeping our hero down.....those two polarized characters are easy to work with. George Steinbrenner as the villain is a great character to work with, most people remember the back-of-his-head portrayed in Seinfeld yet my movie will portray all-of-his-head and even his body.

The first high-drama climactic scene will be based of the actual event of Cerone and Steinbrenner "exchanging expletives word-for-word." The schism event will be everyone turning on Cerone which makes him feel down and sad...but as you can see from the source-material article....the victory at the end will be "50,000 fans cheering for the hero" Rick Cerone.... and in the end his enemy will accept him as being "my type of ball player." So it will be a happy ending for sure.

Hmmmm, we need a few more characters. We need a comedy-relief dopey side-kick who plays Cerone's roomate, we need a cool black guy who doesn't dig Cerone at first but by the end really digs him, we need a sub-boss secondary villain and we need a hot-chick too. I can fill those roles by looking at the 1981/1982 Yankees rosters....and for the chick I'll just google a hot celeb from 1981/82 and pretend Cerone and her were intimate lovers.

So let's make a list before it gets too confusing, these are the basics so far.

Title: The Rick Cerone Story

Hero: Rick Cerone
Bad Guy: George Steinbrenner
Vice-BadGuy: Bob Lemon
Dopey Side-Kick: Lou Pinella or Bucky Dent
Cool Black Dude: Oscar Gamble
Hot Chick: Olivia Newton-John

Main Theme: A "Stone Cold vs. Vince McMahon" style thing of the Working Man fights back against The Boss.
Secondary Themes: Baseball, Italian Culture of the 80s, White person and Black person becoming best friends, swearing, toilet humor.

Schism: Steinbrenner's dislike for Cerone spreads throughout the entire organization and all the Yankees, even the FANS, start hating poor Rick Cerone. Will he quit baseball forever or will he win back his teammates and fans hearts?

Climactic Victory: Through strength of character and a timely homerun....Rick Cerone wins his teammates respect and the adulation of New York baseball fans.

Oscar Gamble = Cool Black Dude

Ooooooh, it sounds pretty good, this movie. Obviously we need a cast. Now, for that Bill Lee bio-pic they cast a real pretty-boy named Josh Duhamel to play Lee....but my movie's lead is a workin' man so I can't cast a pretty boy type. I need a big overweight Italian guy to portray Rick Cerone correctly.

We need an overweight, Italian, preferably a Yankees fan, who excels at swearin' and toilet humor....hmmm....

An image is forming in my mind, yes, it is. I can see who meets these criterion crystal clear in my brain. The ONLY person who I can think of who possibly can do justice to this film and tell the important story that NEEDS to be told with this Rick Cerone bio picture is...of course...

Artie Lange.

Artie Lange as Rick Cerone.

Lange is the only human on earth who could enter into the Rick Cerone character and really do it the justice it deserves. It's a perfect fit. We're talking oscar here...not Oscar Gamble this time....but oscar like award-oscar. If someone actually makes this film and casts Artie Lange as the lead....I absolutely guarantee it will be regarded as a cinematic triumph of the amazingest degree. No joke.

They'd need to dye his hair and stuff though so he can pass as being a 29 year old athlete....but he has range, Artie, so I think he can stretch the role and pull it off.

You should see how the movie goes in my head, it's great, like Artie is really really good in it. He's funny but he's also very believable and the audience really relates to him.

The other actors can be slotted in later...the villain has to be mean, the side kick has to be goofy, the black dude has to be cool, and the chick has to be hot...that's the only criterion for those roles.

Look, after I'm done punchin' up dis script I'm gonna shop it around to all the big movie people and shit so I'm not gonna just throw the script in the next section, but, I will provide dialogue samples from certain key scenes of the film.

Sample Scenes

Okie-doke, so here are some samplers from the script. I'll set them up so you know what the fuck is going on in the scene too.

Humorous Scene 2C:
In this will-be memorable scene, Rick Cerone is catching in a game but needs to use the bathroom to move his bowels. The umpire is another Italian man named Ron Luciano (who is played by Ernest Borgnine....oh wait...he's dead...sorry...Ron Luciano will be played by Pat Cooper).

This scene is based on the actual event when Hubie Brooks one time (this actually happened) called time out to go take a leak during an at-bat.

Hubie had to go to the bathroom.

In real life Hubie had to number-1 but in my Luciano-Cerone scene it is a heavy number-2 that Cerone needs to evacuate from his body. Both characters being Italian, you'll noticed that, they use a lot of Italianized english terms and talk a lot about Italian cuisine. The scene begins as Cerone catches a fastball and turns to look at Luciano and says...

Rick Cerone: Luch! Holy shit! I...I....I gotta go!

Ron Luciano: Go? Whaddya talkin' 'bout "go"? Go where? Wat the fuck you talkin' 'bout?

Rick Cerone: You fuckin' fongoul...I gotta fucking take a shit!

Ron Luciano: A shit!? What? There's NO SHITTIN' IN BASEBALL! Ya dumb segarsi!

Rick Cerone: Luch, man, I gotta go, I'm not fucking shittin' you man...I gotta shit!

Ron Luciano: Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? You're fucking joking ya stupid asshole! Skeevosa!

Rick Cerone: You're gonna see in about 5 seconds that I wasn't jokin' you fat piece of garbage!

Ron Luciano:  You cazzo-suckin' asshole! Turn aroun' and leave me the fuck alone!

Rick Cerone: Luch....on my grandmother's grave...I swear I'm telling the truth.

Ron Luciano: On....your grandmother's grave?

Rick Cerone: Ya. Man, I ate 2 cannolies, a pizza, and a buncha gnoccies for pranzo!

Ron Luciano: You crazy sonavabitch...........TIME!

(Wow, you should see Pat Cooper in this scene....he is simply impeccable....like his timing and stuff).

Confrontation Scene 1F:

In this scene Rick Cerone has just made a grievous mental error of a magnitude which most would describe as being  "game-altering".  George Steinbrenner (all of his head, not just the back of his head) calls Rick on the telephone and proceeds to tell him he's over-weight, stupid, and ugly.

Rick Cerone: Hello, it's me Rick Cerone. Who the fuck is this?

George Steinbrenner: Who the fuck is this!? Who the fuck do you think asshole!?

Rick Cerone: Oh, Mr. Steinbrenner hi, uh, howzit goin' ?

George Steinbrenner: Ooooooh just swell, just swell fatso.....

Rick Cerone: ....

George Steinbrenner: It's just that your dumpy mentally-crippled ass COST ME THE GAME!

Rick Cerone: Hey, hey...come on. Didja see how Goose pitched today? He sucked shit!

George Steinbrenner: No! You know who sucked shit out there, today? YOU DID FUCK FACE!

Rick Cerone: ME!? FUCK FACE!? Ya I'm a fuck face alright....BECAUSE I FUCK FACES!

George Steinbrenner: You fuck faces? NO! You have the face that gets fucked....fuck-face!

Rick Cerone: Wanna bet? How 'bout I come into your office and fuck you in the face?

George Steinbrenner: YOU fuck ME in the face? You fat stupid retarded asshole! FUCK YOU.
Rick Cerone: You're the fuck-face...you fucked-up fuckin' FUCK FACE. Fuck you MORE than FUCK ME! BYE! FUCKER!

(Ooooh that scene's intense. This is the eighties too so it's those rotary phones you can SLAM down hard and shit. Wow).

Reconciliation Scene 2B.1
In his scene Oscar Gamble and his humongous and wicked-cool afro come to make amends with Rick Cerone after Rick helps Oscar's girlfriend fend off creeps at a Detroit disco-tech after a road game.

Oscar Gamble:Yo smooth brother.....
Rick Cerone: ???

Oscar Gamble: I.....I.....I.....yo.....thanks for helpin' my girl back in Detroit.
Rick Cerone: Hey, it's nuthin' man.
Oscar Gamble: Smooth brother....I'm sorry for calling you a fat ugly Guinea Dego piece of shit.
Rick Cerone: Ya. I'm sorry for calling you a retarded moolie asshole.
Oscar Gamble: Hey man....what's done is done. It's water under the bridge, smooth brother.
Rick Cerone: Osc, you've really taught me a lot 'bout hittin' n' losin' weight....I.....
Oscar Gamble: Hey man, we're teammates and dats what teammates do.
Rick Cerone: Life is tough sometimes, Osc.
Oscar Gamble: Hey, life is always tough. They don't think it be like it IS....but it DO!

Words of Wisdom

Filler Scene 3A:

To fill up some screen time there's a part where Cerone goes down to Mexico to play some Winter Ball after the '80 season and he befriends fellow Italian Don Demola who's re-conditioning his arm after surgery down there. They are battery partners when A HUGE BRAWL breaks out after Demola hits a batter with a pitch and Cerone picks up the batter and helicopter suplexes him.

This scene is based on the actual event stated in Tommy Lasorda's book where he claims in a winter ball game to have hit a batter....then the batter charged the mound....and then Lasorda CLAIMS to have picked him up, spun him around like a helicopter, and then suplexed him. Personally, I don't believe Tommy Lasorda did this but it is stated in his book that he did and this is the "actual event" that this scene is inspired/stolen from.

(Note: Don Demola is a pretty funny Italian guy with a good accent.....See this interview)

(Note II: The brackets mean they're thinking to themselfs.)

Rick Cerone: (He wants inside!? Fuck, he's gonna nail this asshole!)

Don DeMola: (I'm gonna whack dis asshole. Fuck this guy. I'm nailin' him)

Rick Cerone: (Oh shit....here we go again.) *WHACK*

Don DeMola: Here he comes! Aaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeiiiieeeeeeeee!

Rick Cerone: What the fuck! He's getting his ass kicked!

Don DeMola: Yo Rick! Come fuck this guy up! Give him the helicopta suplex technique!

Rick Cerone: You ready!? You ready for the Rick Cerone Helicopter Suplex Mark II !?

Don DeMola: HOLY SHIT! HE'S GOT 'IM IN DA HELICOPTA SUPLEX! HOLY SHIT!

Rick Cerone: GRRRRRRRRAAAAARGH! BLAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGH! YAAAAAAAA!

Don DeMola: Whoa! Rick....dat was cool!

(This scene is really cool.)

Conclusion

Alrighty, so I'm gonna pitch my script to all the big producers and shit. It'll get made, probably. Someone'll probably steal the idea but it'll get made eventually I bet.....maybe.

It's so good this movie, it doesn't have T-Rexes like my Manny Sanguillen non-existant mentally visualized film but it's still very very good.

Pat Cooper's great in it, and the guy who plays Don DeMola is a kid who's new but really good at acting. Oh and fuck, the chick who plays Olivia Newtons-John is soooooo sexy it's not even funny.

Everybody wants the next big-thing and I can honestly ensure you that back-up catcher bio-pics is the way to go. It's the new thing.

Water Numbers

Water water is everywhere so let's all have a.....oh wait a sec, it's as salty as sam, yo.

Everybody talkin' California drought left and right these days. William Shatner has a kickstarter going which aims to raise 30 billion (!!!) to build a water pipeline from Washington state to California state.

If it's at the point where people are willing to even think about investing that much money into solving the problem it would be good to understand the numbers involved with the situation before applying any sort of plan into action.

I don't pretend to be smart or anything, but, I do think having a basic understanding of the quantities and numbers involved in problematic situations does let people generate better opinions on the problem. In regards to energy for instance, I see every day people saying this or that will solve the energy problem and get us off fossil fuels....but when you do the math these solutions in some cases would only produce a fraction of what is needed to operate human earth in an advance technological state. I wrote on article on this blog called, "Rating the Energies, Yeah!" to just try and look at how much energy is needed to run human earth in that advanced state and what energy sources were best to do that.

(That energy article here): https://writingsonsubjects.blogspot.com/2014/05/ratin-energies-yeah.html

That article aimed to find how much power in terrawatt hours humans need to operate earth at this highly technically advanced state. Similarly to that article, it might help to find out how much water California presently uses, how much is used per industry, and how much water will be created by proposed solutions at the table.

Like the last article, I'm gonna put the same disclaimer up...because I'm not an expert. I'm not anything. The majority of hours of work in my life has been in the furniture upholstery, wood-working/finishing, and residential moving fields....not in science.

Warning

Look-it my fellow global g-units, I'm not a scientist or anything and the datum and opinions expressed in this blog article are my understandings of what seems to be the numbers on the scenario at hand, maybe all the things I read are false...who knows. I, of fairly sound mind at this moment, believe the statistics and opinions expressed in the following text are true...yet, who knows if they are wicked correct or not. I'm just a dude, man...just like you and me. If something written here is of interest to you then by all means conduct your own research and formulate your own opinions on the subject matter.

California Water Use

The United States Geological Survey presents these statistics for water usage in California, to keep the article uniform all quantities shall be expressed in Gallons:

Water use per Day: 38 billion gallons

Which Industries are Using it....

Agriculture/Irrigation: 64%

Electric Power Generation: 17%

Infasrtucture/Government Use/Domestic: 17% 

Industry/Mining: 2%

Okie-doke, so 38 billion gallons is quite a hefty load of drinkable water used per calendar day (24 hour time period). 

First off, I left "Domestic" use in the table for a valid reason. I didn't just lump it into Government use for the reason to show that domestic use of water is almost non-existent in terms of water usage. This is, of course, the millions of citizens drinking water, flushing toilets, washing cars, filling pools, etc....

Jerry's got it wrong.

So for all those "green" hippies who think they are saving the world by not flushing their toilets until they are overflowing ("if it's yellow let it mellow if it's brown flush it down"), or pretending that turning the faucet off while they brush their teeth is saving the world, or yelling at their neighbor because they see them washing dog poop off their walkway with a hose ("YOU CAN'T WASTE WATER, ARE YOU STUPID!?"). To all these people...you are not saving anything at all, when all domestic use by all citizens amounts to about 7% of water use...you are like a grain of sand in the desert...you are not eco-warriors who are saving the planet...you are simple jabronies...plain and simple. This is a systematic problem that HAS NOTHING to do with domestic water use so next time you see someone running a hose, or brushing their teeth, or flushing pee-pee down a toilet...you have no right to get angry at them with your pretentious eco-warrior voices...so just shut up. Governor Jerry Brown (who always smiles and never frowns) has imposed sanctions on domestic water use but that is not a problem solving measure it is simply a band-aid solution that makes it seem like the public is to blame for the state's water problems.

With that out of the way let's move into the other areas of water usage...

Electric Power Generation is the amount of water used in running power plants in the region. California is already getting its nuclear plants to use ocean water for cooling itself down and stopping them from melting down, therefore, nuclear plants despite using a lot of water are no longer (or will no longer in the future be) using drinkable water but rather salty water. If you are running a nuclear plant and have not switched to using salt water to cool the plant down....you are being very silly....there's no reason you can't use salt water for this procedure.

The out-dated coal is still used to power close to 20% of California, which is pretty fucking bad, and not only is coal the most polluting, difficult for workers to mine, and inefficient....but it also uses a fuck-ton of water. These plants, like nuclear, MUST switch to using salinated coastal ocean water for this process. There is no reason as to why these plants need fresh water from aquifers for their water usage needs. Same goes for natural gas and petroleum plants as well.

Infrastructure and government use regards all sorts of things from public owned establishments to public use. Fire hydrants, commercial businesses, public pools, and other public operated establishments. It amounts to about 10% of total usage.

Now that bad boy, agriculture and irrigation, accounts for about 2/3 of the state's water usage. Unlike power plants, switching to using salt water is not an option because you can't irrigate with salt water, you need fresh water to irrigate. This is indeed an actual problem and it actually needs to be addressed because you can't use 66% of the state's water to operate one sector of the economy.

Agri-Bizness

I referred to California's agriculture as a sector of the economy rather as a food source because that's exactly what it is. They're not planting like rice and stuff there...ok? They are planting what I'd call rich people crops. They plant plumbs, kiwies, almonds, grapes, walnuts, lemons, and weed.

You're not feeding the earth with these crops, these are known as "cash crops" plain and simple. They are called cash crops because people pay a lot of money for these products.

That's another thing that angers me about the "green" hippie community. They are all these vegans who won't eat meat n' potatoes....but will subside themselves on weird rich people nuts grown in California...and they'll be all like "if we all just stayed home and smoked weed all day the world would be a better place!"...well, not to burst your bubble but it takes a lot of fresh water to grow marijuana in case you didn't know.

It's weird because the Americans will go to war with Afganistan and burn all their opium farms because apparently "Drugs are bad m'kay"...but you'll never see the Americans drop napalm on California marijuana farms, will you? Kind of strange.

Even though science shows marijuana is not a dangerous drug and helps cancer patients get their appetite back during chemo...it is still a very addictive drug with millions of users in North America. California produces the most marijuana, way more than any state, almost more than all states combined. To operate these semi-legal farms takes VAST amounts of water. Not only water but the indoor growers use incredible amounts of energy to operate their quasi-legal facilities.

It burns me up because these weed hippies are the most fervent about saving the environment and are always angry at government. I bet they are the same people pissed at the public for brushing their teeth and flushing pee-pee without poo-poo down the terlet. Fuck them, fuck these fucking hippies. Marijuana is a cash crop sucking insane amounts of fresh water and energy out of California...and why?

....just so rich people can get high, that's why.

Same goes for almonds, walnuts, oranges, lemons, and other cash crops. Albeit these have nutritional value at least unlike weed which just gives the user a muscle relaxant agent. These, unlike weed, are legal and counted towards GDP and you'd expect that number to be high right? You'd expect the sector that uses 2/3 of the state's water to be a big huge percentage of the state's GDP right?

Wrong.

Agriculture in total amounts to...wait for it....

....TWO (2%) of California's total GDP! Whoooop-deeee-friggin'-dooooooooooo!

Solutions

First off, Jerry Brown's restrictions on domestic water use are ridiculous. To pretend a guy washing his clothes in San Diego, or a some kid making a jug of Kool-aid in San Franciso is the reason why you have a water crisis is down right ridiculous!

Get the Salt out.

The proposed solution of William Shatner of importing water from Washington state isn't a bad idea but 30 billion is quite a lot of funds...and Washington likes water too...maybe they want that fresh water.

If people are serious about this, the first thing you have to look at is de-salination which although had been around for almost a century is only really getting going lately.

The Middle East is the leader in these plants, out of necessity, because they want to operate large scale industries yet live in the gosh darned desert...so they have no choice but to get the salt out of ocean and sea water. 

California's in this situation as well and if it wants to operate its cash crop farms it needs these plants. The Carlsbad plant, when operational, estimates to produce 50 million gallons of fresh water per calendar day. There are 16 plants of this magnitude being planned in California at the moment.

16 x 50 million = 800 million gallons

Not bad, each plant has a price tag of 1 billion bucks. So...if you slap these all around the coast you can generate quite a bit of fresh water. If Shatner is raising 30 billion (he's not gonna get it by the way) he should be looking at building THIRTY de-salination plants along the Western United States coast line which output fresh water to the Californian region.

46 x 50 million =  2, 300, 000, 000

We know that California needs 38 billion gallons of fresh water per day to support its nuts, grapes, and weed habit. So, 2.3 billion would give them about 6% of the fresh water they need....which honestly doesn't cut it...AT ALL.

Is the answer to build a 30 billion dollar pipe-line and steal water from Washington state? No.

The only answer is to make laws that limit cash crop farming in the region. Sorry.

America'll go napalm all the rice fields in Vietnam just to fuck with them...or it'll go burn up all the cash crop opium fields in Afganistan to de-mafia the region...but you won't see it fucking with illegal cash crop farms in it's own backyard.

If they even limited cash crop farming in California the problem would be solved but they can't. Wasting water to produce 2% of the state's GDP is every citizens god given right! Vegans need their almonds for their diets! Weed addicts need their hit! It's their god given freedom to use this much water!

FIRE! FIRE!

Is it too drastic for Jerry Brown to ask the federal government to drop incendiary liquids on legal and non-legal cash crop farms and burn them sky high? Yes, yes it is. It's too drastic when they do it in other countries too. You can't just burn 'em up. So what do you do?

If pipelines, de-salination, and napalming aren't real answers, then what is? Maybe there's no answer...maybe California behind its alluring facade of Hollywood is actually a down-right mess of a region. 

Maybe the federal government should start similar economic sectors that are strong in California in other regions. Maybe a second or third silicon valley can spring up in other locations around the United States which lures people away from that region is a good idea. Maybe a second Hollywood can spring up in New York or Chicago or Boston or Texas (redneck Hollwood?) which lures people away from the over-saturated California region. Who knows.

Conclusion

The suggested solutions of Jerry Brown to blame the crisis on the domestic population is downright ludicrous.

Shatner's idea of importing water from Washington holds merit but good luck getting 30 billion, g. Good luck convincing the state of Washington to part with its fresh water too.

De-salination plants along the west coast can give them a few billion gallons of fresh water per day...but they use a fuck ton more than 2 billion a day.

Fire bombing all the almonds, walnuts, and marijuana cash crops is simply too drastic.

Who knows. It seems when you pull back the curtain of Hollywood bullshit...this region is simply a wasteful behemoth who runs off coal for power for their energy. It's possibly the most inefficent economy on earth.

The main point to bring up is not to blame regular folks washing their dishes for this mess, that's down right absurd.

Califoooooornia.

Oh Gosh, I really like those Redneck Monkey Movies.....

Geoffrey Lewis (Left): RIP

One of the stars of those old seventies redneck monkey movies died the other day, Mr. Geoffrey Lewis, and that really got me thinking about those old redneck monkey movies again. I'm Talkin' 'bout Any Which Way but Loose and Any Which Way you Can.

It was these movies 'bout two guys, some chicks, and a monkey who run a foul with a nazi biker gang and the cops...so....Clint Eastwood kicks the shit out of all the nazis and the cops.

I saw these movies when I was really young too. A lot of the American stations that I got as a kid (TBS, WGN, SBK) used to take turns showing redneck movies. Whenever I used to come home from school as like a 12 year old kid...the TV would darned sure have some sort of silly redneck movie on.

Redneck movies involved a lot of drinking, fighting, bottle throwing, truck driving, country music, and a touch of romance. An example of a more modern redneck movie would be like Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze where like Swayze has to drink and fight and bang chicks...but the seventies redneck movies were even more better than Roadhouse.

The pace-setter for seventies redneck movies were the Burt Reynolds ones where he has to drive a truck full of goods somewhere (or ride along side in a trans-am keeping the cops away from the truck is more accurate). This one was ALWAYS on after school when I was a kid and I must have seen it numerous numerous times. Looking back now, Smokey and the Bandit, didn't make any sense. Like, Reynolds is a "smuggler" yet he's smuggling BEER over state lines. As a kid I thought this was soooo bad ass but beer is not illegal in any state. What was so bad ass about "smuggling" cases of two-fours over state lines? Nothing. Anyone can deliver beer....it's not illegal at all. There really was no reason for Officer Jackie Gleason to have given Burt Reynolds and good ol' Cletus a hard time for 2 hours due to them having a truck full of beer.

A year after Smokey and the Bandit came out...someone had a great idea. They took the redneck genre of film (drinkin', truck drivin', n' fightin') and threw a monkey in the mix....not just any monkey, but an Indonesian Orangutan into the mix. Now, if you're not familiar with Any but Way which Can you're probably thinking that putting a Sumatran ape into a redneck movie is just a stupid idea....but you're wrong....it's not a stupid idea. It's a brilliant idea is what it is.

There's no real set-up either as to why Clint Eastwood and Geoffrey Lewis are hanging out with an Orangutan. Clint just goes into some shed near his house and fools around in the dark for a bit, and then the lights come on and it's an orangutan....and then they high five and start chugging beer. That's it. There's no scene about him meeting the ape and there really doesn't need to be. Clint Eastwood is a bare-knuckle boxer who has a monkey...get used to it.

The President of the United States

Look, putting a primate into your films just makes them better, it just does. It's like adding salt to french fries, or bacon on pizza...getting a monkey into your movie just automatically makes it better. It has to be a REAL monkey though...not an animatronic one like in that Korean gorilla baseball movie, and it can't be a midget in a monkey suit like in that Matt LeBlanc baseball movie...IT MUST BE a LIVE n' REAL MONKEY....like in Bedtime for Bonzo starring Ronald Reagan (I've never actually seen Bedtime for Bonzo but from the title I assume it's about the president of the United States helping a monkey fall asleep). It's gotta be a for-real ape...a computer generated monkey or a midget in a suit cannot replicate the effect, it just can't.

It always works, always. Like, Grandma's Boy was a great movie and then they made it even better by whippin' a monkey in it. It can't fail, it's a fool proof strategy.

If you don't like monkeys....there's something veritably wrong with you.


RIP Geoffrey Lewis

What a great actor, he's probably like the first guy ever to wear a baseball cap backwards and that became really cool to do for a while. The last time I saw this guy in a movie, I was actually quite disappointed in what I witnessed though.

The last movie I saw him in was Rob Zombie's The Devil's Rejects about ten years ago. It's a movie about this circus clown and his family of juggaloes, or whatever the fuck they are, who go around murdering folks. Geoffrey Lewis shows up in this film and takes on the juggaloes.....and loses. What the fuck?

Am I to believe that...a bunch of juggaloes can defeat Clint Eastwood's sidekick? That a bunch of retarded circus clowns can best Geoffrey Lewis in arm-to-arm combat? I don't think there's any situation that could play out in reality where that scenario is even remotely believable!

Lewis fucking hung out with Clint Eastwood, he banged that chick who shows her tits in Hair (the chick that goes on all those National Lampoon Vacations), he's dealt with nazis n' cops n' the mafia, WHILE HANGING AROUND WITH A SUMATRAN ORANGUTAN....and I'm just supposed to suspend belief and accept that this man can be defeated and killed by a bunch of fucking juggaloes? No way, Jose.

It's cool Rob Zombie casted this old screen icon for his juggalo movie...but I feel the direction he took the film was quite effronterous in nature....the film, all in all, was unrealistic and the movie suffered for it. Lewis should have kicked the juggaloes asses, dumped their vehicles into a dump truck and high fived his ape...like what would have happened if this movie took place in real life.

Either way, RIP dude, you were a cool guy.


What's Up with Clint, though?

What's Clint doing with his life these days? How come the seventies Clint was bare knuckle boxing in scrap yards, drinkin' with monkeys, kicking the crap out of nazis and cops, carrying around a 44 magnum, chillin' with Eli Wallach, and bein' good/bad/ugly......while the now-a-times Clint is like worrying about his mom's bridges over counties and hanging out with Meryl Streep? Seems like a weird direction to take his on-screen persona if you ask me.

With the death of Geoffrey Lewis, I think Clint should complete the Whether but Loose which Can trilogy and reprise his role of the Philo Beddoe character one last time. I know he's too old to flip out and shit but he can still be like a wise foul-mouthed granpa who drinks with monkeys and drives the story for the new-era bad-ass lead character.


Conclusion

You can't insert monkeys in every movie or it'll ruin the gimmick....but I would say every 1/14 films could have monkeys inserted into them without losing the monkey magic. So, if you're in the hollywood scene and you're a big-shot you should try to work a monkey into at least one in fourteen of your films, I'd say.

I don't think the Presidential monkey movies work though. I don't think Presidents should be making monkey movies...it's just stupid. Reagan's monkey movie just seems odd.

With the Dawning of the Digital Age....Is there a Future for Apostrophes, Accents, Cedillas, and Umlauts?

.....or is there NO FUTURE for apostrophes, accents, cedillas, and umlauts in this digital human age?

In this article we will wonder aloud whether these punctuation variables, or as many refer to them "accidents of history," have any place in the current digitized writing climate. We're gonna look at what the heck they are, then we're gonna look at where they probably came from, and then conclude on whether or not these letter variations have a future or not.


What are these Things, anyways?

' = Apostrophe
é, ê, è = Accents
ç = Cedilla
ū = Umlaut


They are cute little punctuation marks that appear in sentences or on top of vowels or under the letter C from time to time in Euro-disseminated languages. English people know about the apostrophe more than any of the others...the others appear in the latin-based romance languages more often (Spanish, French, Portuguese, Italian, Romanian, etc.).

They are for pronunciation and have no value to reading and writing. Speech and reading/writing are two separate mental faculties that surprisingly have little in common with each other. Reading/Writing is very technical and code-based while speech is more wave-modulated audio bits which are learned from listening and repetition.

You can be 100% illiterate and still be a great speaker or singer....speech is not related very much at all with reading/writing. Readin' and writin' is a code that is deciphered with the eyes to the brain whilst speaking/listening is a code deciphered with the ears to the brain.

For that reason, are pronunciation-related variables necessary in eye-related deciphering? Not really, no.

The digital age has seen the rise of Google Translate, which has spidered almost all written linguistic codes and matched them with definitions in order to act as a universal translator. It isn't perfect but it's pretty freaking good to be honest. I can send a Chinese article through it and read it in English and get a pretty good jist/idea of what was stated in the Chinese coded article.

Languages have been broken down, bit by bit, and all definitions/idioms/concepts that these variables represent have been massed together in one database which can churn out any langauge codification into the language you are able to read with your brain. It's pretty amazing, really.

That's the state of affairs in the present (2015), but before we conclude on the question if these linguistic punctuation variables have a place in the human future...let's first look at where I think they originated from.


The Possible History of the Weird Lines n' Slashes on our Dumb Words

Note: This is a theory and I have no way to really prove it so it's just food for thought, really.

I honestly believe that apostrophes, accents, cedillas, and umlauts are accidents of history which were born unto writing by errors in the early printing press era (16th to 18th century).

A written language is only a written language if many many people accept that the definitions of the character-variable sets are what they are. If a few thousand people accept and use the term "Shoe" to refer to the things you put on your feet to help you walk then that character variable set of "Shoe" is thusly an accepted term, part of the lexicon, and part of written language.

Prior to the early printing press era, do you know how many people on earth were literate? Do you know how many people could read linguistic codes and understand them? Less than 1% of people could. The invention of the printing press (which first appeared in China prior to the 14th century) is what made written language codes accepted languages. The automatisation process of the printing press disseminated the written codes to a wide audience who in turn learned the codes in order to read the books and flyers coming off the press line.

Old school printer.

In the early printing press era in Europe, these machines were not exactly the most efficient and error-free devices to say the least. The first problem was the people who worked the printing press machines were illiterate people (paid in pennies) who matched up the symbols they were given to the press plate to print a page....and being illiterate it was common that dozens of small errors were made in every single page that was printed in any given book.

The other big problem was any small damage to the machine plates would get soaked with ink and a page might be printed with dashes, slashes, dots, and other dumb shit all around the page....and since it is a plate and uniform...the dots and slashes APPEARED IN EVERY SINGLE BOOK THAT WAS PRINTED ON THAT MACHINE.

These problems in the early printing press era may even be a large factor as to why European dialects shifted and mutated the way they did. Spanish, French and Italian were once THE SAME LANGUAGE at one point. We must also factor in small deviations of style created by poets and other writers which disseminated texts to their region which altered the written codes in their areas (copy cats wanted to write like the popular poets of their region) yet printing press errors may be a stronger factor as to why dialects variated the way the did.

Imagine the time and place in the 17th century, hundreds of thousands of people learning the new hip thing called reading in their spare time and hundreds of interesting books being printed to be read by these hundreds of thousands of people. The printing presses in all the major metropolis cores (London, Paris, Seville, Lisbon, Venice, Hamburg, etc) are all running off these printing presses like crazy and people in all these core-cities are reading these texts...

Let's say the printing press in Seville made an error on the plate, the worker matched the symbol to his blue print wrong, then hundreds of thousands of people in Seville would read the book with the spelling mistake. Hundreds of thousands of people, who are learning to read for the first time in great masses in human history, all getting a book with a minor alteration in the language system. Next thing you know, all Spanish people are writing "Jajajajajajaja" instead of "Hahahahahaha" to represent laughter because that's how language in written code was presented to them.

Or let's say Lisbon's printing press factory sent out a popular book with a weird line over a vowel. Let's say a scratch in the plate put a small diagonal line over an "e" on EVERY SINGLE BOOK that was printed and acquired by hundreds of thousands of people in Lisbon. All of a sudden people are asking their friends and elders..."Hey, what is this line over the e?" and all it took was one bozo to make up something to pretend he's smart and say..."oh that? Well it means it's an e that's pronounced more high pitched " and next thing you know that scratch on the printing plate has now become a damned RULE of ORTHOGRAPHY and bozo-face gets appointed head of the Portuguese academy of writing rules because everyone thinks he's so fucking smart. Whooop-de-dooooo.

Oh, go take a walk, blue pen bozo.

Or let's say, (just one more, sorry), that London's printing press puts some dumb scratch between some dumb word and people look at it and go "what's that line between my word, guvnah?" and then some fantastic fop pipes up "Well, that's an apostrophe, it is! How could you not know that you simpleton!?" and then that printing plate scratch gets a name and everyone is throwing these new-fangled high falutin' apostrophes in all their dumb books and acting all smart. Fast forward a few hundred years and english teachers ALL OVER THE PLACE are taking out red pens and anxiously scanning their student's papers for the word "your" to see if they put the apostrophe in it if they wanted to denote "you are" and if it's not there....they load up that red pen like it's some sort of scepter of divine truth that shoots lightning at orthographic mistakes and they draw the biggest and meanest circle around your "your" and write over it in HUGE red ink "you're" to let you know how stupid you are! Oh, take a long walk you english teachers, take a nice long walk and really think to yourself how petty you are. You're job is to circle words that have missing apostrophes! You're duty on earth is to circle printing press plate scratches from the 17th century and make your students feel stupid. Take a long introspective walk, you english teachers, you.

Jabroni....thy name is apostrophe.


Does the Digital Human Future have a Place for These Printing Press Mutants of Yester Year?

Look, for style purposes I think everyone should write how they feel is fun for them to write. Me? I like to use punctuation when I write. I use commas and especially ellipses (the three+ dots). I use ellipses because I actually think what I'm gonna write next when I put that break in. I'll be writing these silly blogs.......and then I'll like stop and breathe and think for a second.....and then finish whatever dumb thing I was writin' 'bout.

The other main mutation factor in written langauge codes that I mentioned above is poets and writers who have unique and interesting styles do 100% change the vernacular and lexicon of a region/world. People don't just start writing from scratch otta nowhere...they synthesize and copy other writers who's stuff they've read. So if you like apostrophes or cedillas or umlauts then go for it and use 'em. If that's your style, then yo.

....but....

Don't go overboard with silly writing rules. Like, if you're getting mad over You/You're ....honestly ....you should chill out. If I write this,

"Your taking this reading/writing shit too serious. Maybe you should chill out and go walk you're dog or something..."

In all seriousness, is there a person out there, who can read english, who's so stupid that they couldn't understand what was being stated in that sentence? If you couldn't understand that statement above because a printing press error from the 17th century was omitted from one word then, sorry to rude, but maybe you are very very stupid. Maybe you can't read.

If you did understand that statement but were angered and enraged by it...well....maybe you're a bad person or something. If you love your dumb apostrophe so much maybe you should marry it.

Can a Human Person be Too Pumped?

In this essay we shall be exploring the notion of Gettin' Pumped, Stayin' Pumped, and just generally operating in a pumped up nature.

This essay shall pose aloud the following questions at some point in the piece:

A) "What is the notion of Pumped?"

B) "Can You be Too Pumped Up?"

C) "What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped?"


Note: I am not a psychologist, nor a scientist, nor a nothing of anything....so don't take my recommendations at the end of this article Super Serious or anything, okay?


What is the notion of Pumped
Dissecting Robert Hamburger's seminal piece on the matter....



In the year 2004, the book "REAL Ultimate Power" was written by pump-guru Robert Hamburger. This book on the surface appeared to many as being solely about "Ninjas" yet it doesn't take much of a deep look into the words printed here to realize that this book is about much more than just really cool Ninjas.

It is the seminal piece on the Art and Science of Getting Pumped.

I've never read a book like this before, it really cares about its readers. In fact on the first page it asks you, using a full page, if you are even ready to get pumped.

This book knows not only will it teach you what it means metaphorically and tangibly to get pumped...but it will also get you really really pumped.

I really respected that they asked me beforehand if I was ready to get pumped before reading because I could have been eating cereal or taking a dump or something while opening this book and would not have been primed to have gotten pumped, so right off the bat, you know the author really deeply cares about his readers....which is a rare sight to see in this current writing climate. This author genuinely cares about meeting his goal of teaching you about getting pumped and then getting you pumped.

It is in the depths of this tome where we are treated to a philosophical look at what it is to get pumped....it is the pump-up play based on Plato's allegory of the "hole." It is a dialogue between the characters Smarticus and Fagomonius, and it reads as follows....


"Smarticus: Bonjour, amigo!
Fagomonius: Yo, bonjour.

Smarticus: Did you know humans live in a big hole?
Fagomonius: What![?]

Smarticus: Yup. Light gets in through the top and everybody in the hole is trapped.
Fagomonius: Wow! No Crap![?]

Smarticus: Vertas, my friend. Very Vertas. And these people think that getting pumped is just about going to a movie or playing basketball once in a while.
Fagomonius: Isn't it?

Smarticus: No way! These people are deceived by sit-coms. And they aren't allowed to turn their heads away from the TV, 'cause they'll get slapped in the mouth. But most importantly they aren't able to look out and see the ninjas standing above, trying to help them.
Fagomonius: Who are these ninjas?

Smarticus: I will tell you.
Fagomonius: O.K.

Smarticus: Ninjas are the human form of being pumped up. And they hold ropes for the regular people to climb out. Only when somebody escapes, they can understand REAL Ultimate Power.
Fagomonius: Has anyone made it out?

Smarticus: A few. But when they go back to teach the others, they are poo-pooed. Nobody listens and they are beaten.
Fagomonius: That's so immature.

Smarticus: Si."

(this excerpt is from: Hamburger, R., "REAL Ultimate Power," 2004 (pg. 50-51)

Ninjas are a symbolic concept in this piece, when Robert talks about Ninjas he is referring to the physical and mental emodiment of being Really Really Pumped Up. As his editor/babysitter John suggests in a footnote...Robert is standing above the "hole" and offering us ropes to climb out of our rut....climb to the top of the hole....lift ourselves out of it....and then finally get very pumped.

Yet, there is a scary side to getting pumped though, sometimes Robert speaks of "flipping out" and these flip outs sometime involve spitting on the carpet or even french kissing his dog. It seems in his moments of full fledged pumpery...he at times makes questionable decisions.

Which begs the question....


Can You be "Too Pumped Up?"
A statement from the Past rocks the world of the Future....

I recently unearthed statements made by a human I'm very familiar with, in which the concept of being "too pumped up" was brought to my ears for the very first time. It was in a documentary film narrated by one Donald Sutherland in which Don details 20 years of Montreal Expos memories which occurred from 1969 'til 1988.

Legend

Now, before we look at this man's comments I first want to set-up that he's not the jabroni that many in Montreal claim he is...in fact this man is a severely huge Legend. I'm, of course, talking about Steve Rogers (not Capt. America but the baseball pitcher).

Steve Rogers pitched for 13 years in an Expos uniform with a career earned run average of 3.17 in close to 3000 innings pitched, which for those who don't know is really really fucking good. He made it to the All Star game 5 times, including the 1982 All Star Game, where he was the starting pitcher on his home turf at Montreal's Olympic Stadium.

Rogers, in 1981, defeated Steve Carlton twice in a mini-ad-hoc playoff series (due to the strike shortened season), which got the Expos to the NLCS. Shit, he didn't get any run support in one game against Carlton so the guy singled in some RBIs his fucking self! Damn.

Still, despite a pretty hall-of-fame-esque career (unfortunately in 1991 he got 0% of the votes and fell of the ballot), this guy is viewed negatively in Montreal for one pitch he threw in a super-rare relief performance to Rick Monday circa October 1981.

He threw the "Blue Monday" pitch and that is the ONLY pitch from his amazing career that anyone remembers. He got zero hall of fame votes (not even one), his number 45 was never retired in Montreal despite being the greatest pitcher in their history, and whenever fans approach him to talk to him he KNOWS 100% what they are gonna ask him about....he knows they're gonna talk about Rick fucking Monday again.

In that Donald Sutherland documentary, Rogers states the reason he gave up the most heart breaking homer in Montreal baseball history is due to being...."Too Pumped Up."

"....[I] Came into the game, and I'm sure, it's the adrenaline pump that happens to all short-relievers, they have to learn how to control it and use it..............

.............I was too pumped up."

(-Stephen Douglas Rogers)

(Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6cLVyHxh3k&t=1h48m49s)

As a person who's studied the art and science of getting and staying pumped and who's basically centered my entire life around the getting of and staying PUMPED...this statements hit me like a ton of bricks. These words ripped the carpet from under my feet and left me feeling dazed and confused. Can a person be TOO pumped? It's unheard of and insane to even suggest such a thing...

....or is it?

I began quietly reflecting and really pondering inwardly about if a person can be "too pumped up" and I think he's right. Like say a dude is so pumped that he can't think straight or is so pumped that he makes bad decisions. It seems like something that happens everyday now that I really sit and down and think 'bout it.

Like, imagine a guy who's so pumped he walks out of his house feelin' like to reverse-german-suplex the first creature he sees. Now, if the person he saw that day was a pro-wrestler or a bear...then fine.....but what if the first creature Mr. Hypothetical Super-Pumped saw was a nice old lady or a cute kitty-cat? You can't just reverse-german-suplex an old lady or a cat....fuck man....Steve Rogers is very very correct in his views on being pumped.....

....you 100% can get too pumped. It's true.

It's a balance, I guess. You have to do all you can to get pumped but not too pumped. It's like threading a needle, sorta. Or not really.

You have to get pumped just enough to live life hardcore and git'r dun but you have to make sure not to get so pumped that you make bad choices or spit on the carpet. It's a gift...a gift you have to learn to control and use.



What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and the Uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped and/or De-Pumped
Can shrinks use these concepts to be smarter and better at their "jobs"?

The field of psychology and psycho-analysis is a jabroni-laden field of assholes as everyone knows. You never should listen to a "shrink" ever. That dumb psycho-analysis shit has crept into the world in other areas too...like....no one can even listen to Howard Stern or that jabroni Robin anymore for more than 8 seconds because they break out the "shrink" shtick at every opportunity and that show has rendered itself un-listenable to. Howard's become more pretentious than fifty Ira Glasses smushed together and that's not something many people thought would ever happen.

Shrinks should only ask their clients one question...."Are you pumped?"

If they say "No" then you sit them down and get them pumped. You put on some music of their choice that's heavy and you tell them to feel it in their fucking bones and to get pumped.

If they answer "Yes" then maybe they are too pumped and that's why they came to a shrink. In that case the shrink should play some easy music, like lullaby music, and just say relaxing thoughts about like babbling brooks and gentle streams and things of that nature.

That's all. Psycho-analysis could be so easy if shrinks even knew the first thing about pumpology.




Conclusion

As much as it pains me to admit, yes, a human can reach a level of pumpitude which, as Mr. Rogers put it....is simply "too pumped up."

That being said, I still believe 7/10 humans on earth are living life not even close to ever even getting  to the pump-up cut-off point. Say, for instance, you could quantify pumpitude on a scale of integers from 0 to 100....I'd say most people on earth never even reach 60% of full pumpitude during any moment of their entire lifetime.

So, yes, over-pump does exist but it's only a problem for a very select few people who live life on an extremely pumped-up day-to-day existence where getting over-pumped would manifest itself as a problem. If you like getting pumped then just remember that over-pumped does indeed exist but you shouldn't lose too much sleep over this concept.

Yes I do, and thank you very much for asking.

(Extra Bonus Opinion:

On a somewhat unrelated note, and since we did cover the topic of spitting on carpets and I briefly touched on Howard n' Robins new-age psycho-babble....I feel it is on topic to comment on the current feud between Gilbert Gottfied and Howard Stern...

For those of you who remain unaware, Gilbert horked loogies all over Howard's set and carpet and got permanently banned from the show forever and ever.

First off, I do not agree with or condone the spitting on carpets by any individual...it is yucky and it is gross and Gilbert should not have done this to Howard's carpet.

Yet, I think just like when Robert Hamburger or his dog Francine spit or piss on the carpet...Gilbert's spit incident was due to being overly pumped. Why? Because I think he was pumped to come in and laugh at the news and a do a cute little bit like usual and wasn't expecting Howard and Robin to be in full psycho-analysis mode and I don't think he was ready or set up to be hit by 50 Ira Glasses smushed together. I think Gilbert got angry and thus became over-pumped....and I believe that's why he spit on Howard's carpet.

So, yeah.)

Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross-Overs

A lot of people use "stupid" as a pejorative insult and in many cases it is....but in the field of Entertainment, "stupid", isn't a bad thing at all and in many cases is a compliment.

Would things like Strange Brew, Beavis and Butthead, or something like that be enjoyable if it wasn't about the antics of stupid people? Would I sit and watch an episode of Beavis and Butthead if it was about two brain surgeons discussing brain surgery techniques? Of course not, I watch that to see two insipidly stupid dudes fucking up and hurting themselves. Stupid rules.

One of the most stupid forms of entertainment over the years has without a doubt been Fake Wrestling, again this isn't an insult, Fake Wrestling is the good kind of stupid. I mean where else can you see as much drama-laden, over the top, stupidity as you do on Fake Wrestling? Very few places offer the same amount and same kind of stupidness that is offered to you in gallons with Fake Wrestling.

????

How stupid is this shit? I've seen a guy light a fire cracker no where near his opponent...yet something about the flash caused his opponent to be bedazzled and swoon. I've seen shit on this shit that's so dumb that I often just stop and wonder what the fuck I'm looking at. Basically, what I'm sayin' is, Fake Wrestling is so stupid that's it's veritably surreal.

I'd describe Fake Wrestling as Stupid Performance Art as opposed to any other way to describe it and, again, that's not an insult....there's times where the art is so stupid that it's very very cool and very fun to observe.

Often at times, people from the Real World will cross-over into this Land of Stupidity...we all remember Mr. T (star of TV's The A-Team) showing up at Wrestle Mania One, we remember the great Liberace popping into this world as a "Celebrity Time Keeper",  many recall Mike Tyson teaming up with DX a few years ago to fuck someone up, or when Beetlejuice showed up to get smashed with a guitar, and recently the legendary Pee Wee Herman stopped by to hang out in this strange land.

But...Mr .T, Liberace, Mike Tyson, Beet, and Pee Wee are people you'd expect to pop into the World of Fake Wrestling to perform some Stupid Performance Art from time to time....these are guys who genuinely fit into that world and don't seem out of place at all whilst immersed into it.

As the title of this article suggests, there's been times where a breed of human known as Talk Show Hosts have ventured into this land to engage in SPA (stupid performance art) as well.

We shall be looking into five instances where the Realm of Talk Shows and the Realm of Fake Wrestling intersected and ran congruently for a set interval of time.

Entries shall be ranked on a scale of 10 (ten being Super Stupid and zero being Retarded).

Jon Stewart (intersecting with) Seth Rollins

Recently a feud was birthed out of the fiery taunts directed by one Seth Rollins towards one Jon Stewart. Rollins would taunt Stewart from his camp on WWE's Monday Night Raw whilst Stewart would retort said taunts from at his home base at the The Daily Show.

It didn't take long for his war of words from their base-camps to escalate into an all-out face-to-face beef between the two as a few days after the initial taunts Rollins totally showed up on the Daily Show to put Stewart in a head-lock.

It seems the beef reached its boiling point yesterday,

 

Shots were fired off left and right yet as you could plainly see when the time came for fisticuffs to erupt...Stewart kicked that dude in the dick and skadadledaddled himself to safety.

Now, people might see that as cowardice, but look, I've read Sun Tzu's Art of War and am versed in all 36 divine stratagaems of combat. Do you know out of all of the 36 divine stratagaems of combat which one Sun Tzu himself referred to as the most divine of the divine tactics? Skedaddlin' that's which one.

If shit is getting hot, man, just poke a dude in a eyes, or kick a dude's nuts, and Skee-Fucking-Daddle....that's honestly the best advice anyone can ever give someone. If you're ever in doubt about the outcome of a fight, do like Stewart, and SKEE DEEEDLY DADDLE out of the mother fucker post-haste.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 7/10

Drama Stupidity: 9/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10

OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10



Jerry Lawler + Andy Kaufman (intersecting with) David Letterman

Memphis Wrestling was some real old school shit that existed before Fake Wrestling was monopolized and if you watch all these Memphis Fake Wrestlings on the youtube you'll probably be pretty entertained by this stupid shit. The premise of the show was mainly "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager versus other "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager. Jimmy Hart rose to prominence in Memphis Wrestling as the head of a stable as did many other managers. You don't really see managers too much anymore but they were good because unlike most of the talent....these manager characters could act.

Memphis used to get famous people to stop by and chill, for example here's that Batman Adam West showing up (for no reason):

I don't really know what's going on here. Either Adam is jet-lagged, drunk, or really not happy to be there and is really trying to act odd to make them regret flying him out there. I love shit like this. Adam West, in my opinion, is THE ONLY BATMAN, no other people who played Batman can even come close to what West did with the Batman character.

Another guy Memphis got to stop by and chill was Andy Kaufman....but Kaufman was a little more enthusiastic about being there than West was. Kaufman made a whole shtick out of his appearances on this show and really pulled out all the stops to create some legendary Stupid Performance Art. He developed a feud with Jerry Lawler (Lawler is seen in the clip above speaking with Batman).

The feud between Kaufman and Lawler hit its fever pitch (as many know thanks to the Kaufman hollywood bio-pic) on the set of David Letterman's Late Night program:

The King slapped that mother fucker right in his fucking face. Back in the day most of the people watching this wondered if this was a shtick or not....both guys are good actors and played the SPA really well...no matter what venue they showed up in these guys sold their shit, man.

This was done so well it is barely even stupid...it's like a level of believability that almost makes you forget they were doin' a Fake Wrestling. The actual wrestling matches on Memphis between Lawler and Kaufman were pretty stupid though...mainly involving a whole buncha skedaddlin', turtling, wigglin', and all-around silliness.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 10/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 9/10


Hulk Hogan n' Mr. T (intersecting with Richard Belzer)

Poor, poor, Richard Belzer. The Belz had the Hulkster and My Favorite Person Ever Mr. T on his program for them to promote Wrassle Mania One and all kinds of hijynx broke loose....

Basically, Belzer asked Hogan to practice some holds on him and Hogan proceeded to choke out Belzer and when the Belz hit the floor after passing out...he cracked his coconut open, observe...

Hold the phone though, THIS WAS NOT A SHTICK, Belzer cracked his head open and then successfully sued Hogan for a coupla million bux. Fuck, yo.

I don't know how to rate this one since it wasn't a shtick at all and that poor man got his skull split open...so, I'm just gonna give it a run of threes and move on.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 3/10

Drama Stupidity: 3/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 3/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 3/10


Rowdy Roddy Piper (intersecting with) Morton Downey Jr.

This bit featured the in-ring talk show Rowdy Roddy used to host during live Fake Wrestlings. I don't really know why they do these bits, it's like, they want to take a break from the fake wrestling to set up new feuds...I guess that's the reason for the in-ring talk shows.

Piper invited a man with his face painted red known as Brother Love and the late great Mort Downey Junior to join him at Wrestle Mania V for a nice a little chat. I guess you'd call this an insult competition or something. I used to do these at school but we called them "Shafting Competitions" back when the word "shafting" was briefly popular in the early 90s.

Piper proceeds to verbally abuse Brother Love until he skeddadles out of the ring and home to his mommy...and then Piper turns his verbal fury unto Downey.....yet is shocked when his verbal abuse is ineffective against him.

Fuck man, Morton Downey Jr. is unverbally-abusable...he eats insults for breakfast and shafts for lunch. Verbal abuse is like bread n' butter to Morton Downey, he loves that shit. This fucking guy has the nerve to breathe smoke directly into Piper's fucking face, holy shit, right in his fucking face! Even after Piper politely asked Downey to stop blowing smoke into his face the guy just keeps on blowing smoke RIGHT IN his FUCKING FACE. Can you believe it?

Right in the guy's fuckin' face.....

Here watch it here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1vxekc_piper-s-pit-wwf-wrestlemania-5_sport

As you can see in the link, Piper gets the last laugh (well it was his in-ring talk show after all, they were on his turf), as he unloads the contents of a fire extinguisher directly into the face of Morton Downey Jr, Wow.

This bit would have been better without that fucking tomato faced jackass "Brother Love" in the pit....that asshole can't act for shit. Piper and Downey did some good SPA here though, they did some good shit with this pit bit.

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 6/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 10/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10


Hogan et al. (intersectin' with) Jay Leno

I didn't really get this one at all. Unlike the trash talking fun ones like with Downey n' Kaufman n' others...Leno played a super baby-face character that kind of came off as like....I dunno how to describe it...he looked like a kid from those "make a wish foundation" type charities who got his wish to be a wrestler with Hulk Hogan. It just looked weird...like a big child is what he looked like.

Video here: http://www.wwe.com/videos/jay-leno-diamond-dallas-page-vs-hulk-hogan-eric-bischoff-road-wild-1998-26009542

He plays it like he's one of the gang, like some little kid who the wrestlers let throw them around because it's the child's make-a-wish wish. It's just strange looking...but it's not really stupid though.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to use the word "stupid" in this situation because I think Jay Leno really is slightly mentally handicapped in real life and therefore you're not allowed to say that in that situation.

You see, the rules with calling someone stupid or 'tarded is this...you can call anyone you want stupid or retarded from a president to a pauper as long as they are NOT legitimately mentally handicapped. In the case where someone is genuinely certifiably mentally disabled then you cannot refer to them as being stupid or as a retard...you have to give the mentally challenged people a lot of leeway and be positive when you talk about them.

I honestly believe that Jay Leno is borderline mentally handicapped...I mean from his "comedy" to his odd looking pudgy face. When you watch him in this fake wrestling you really see a child who's living his wrestling dreams and he looks like a big fat mentally disabled child.

So in that case, since I'm not allowed to call him stupid due to leeway reasons I have to shoot zeroes down the line on this bit. I don't want to call a borderline mentally disabled man "stupid" because it's not correct in this day and age. Therefore, Jay gets a very "special" rating of all zeroes.

General Silliness: 0/10

Drama Stupidity: 0/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 0/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 0/10


Assessment

From most stupid to least stupid. Some entries are being omitted in the final tally...Belzer gets removed because it was not a mutually agreed upon shtick and therefore wasn't exactly Stupid Performance Art and Jay Leno gets removed from the assessment because his was more of a "very special boy" living his wrestling dreams and wasn't really SPA either:

WINNER: Kaufman/Lawler on Letterman

Runners-Up: Jon Stewart/Seth Rollins and Morton Downey Jr./Rowdy Roddy Piper

 
Kaufman and Lawler on Letterman wins...that shtick is pretty tight. They sold it to the point where the average viewer who wasn't familiar with Memphis Wrestling probably had no idea it was a shtick and was like "holy shit" while watching that bit. Those two assholes can sell bits and Letterman acted as a good mediator that kept the shit brewin' up good.