Can a Human Person be Too Pumped?

In this essay we shall be exploring the notion of Gettin' Pumped, Stayin' Pumped, and just generally operating in a pumped up nature.

This essay shall pose aloud the following questions at some point in the piece:

A) "What is the notion of Pumped?"

B) "Can You be Too Pumped Up?"

C) "What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped?"


Note: I am not a psychologist, nor a scientist, nor a nothing of anything....so don't take my recommendations at the end of this article Super Serious or anything, okay?


What is the notion of Pumped
Dissecting Robert Hamburger's seminal piece on the matter....



In the year 2004, the book "REAL Ultimate Power" was written by pump-guru Robert Hamburger. This book on the surface appeared to many as being solely about "Ninjas" yet it doesn't take much of a deep look into the words printed here to realize that this book is about much more than just really cool Ninjas.

It is the seminal piece on the Art and Science of Getting Pumped.

I've never read a book like this before, it really cares about its readers. In fact on the first page it asks you, using a full page, if you are even ready to get pumped.

This book knows not only will it teach you what it means metaphorically and tangibly to get pumped...but it will also get you really really pumped.

I really respected that they asked me beforehand if I was ready to get pumped before reading because I could have been eating cereal or taking a dump or something while opening this book and would not have been primed to have gotten pumped, so right off the bat, you know the author really deeply cares about his readers....which is a rare sight to see in this current writing climate. This author genuinely cares about meeting his goal of teaching you about getting pumped and then getting you pumped.

It is in the depths of this tome where we are treated to a philosophical look at what it is to get pumped....it is the pump-up play based on Plato's allegory of the "hole." It is a dialogue between the characters Smarticus and Fagomonius, and it reads as follows....


"Smarticus: Bonjour, amigo!
Fagomonius: Yo, bonjour.

Smarticus: Did you know humans live in a big hole?
Fagomonius: What![?]

Smarticus: Yup. Light gets in through the top and everybody in the hole is trapped.
Fagomonius: Wow! No Crap![?]

Smarticus: Vertas, my friend. Very Vertas. And these people think that getting pumped is just about going to a movie or playing basketball once in a while.
Fagomonius: Isn't it?

Smarticus: No way! These people are deceived by sit-coms. And they aren't allowed to turn their heads away from the TV, 'cause they'll get slapped in the mouth. But most importantly they aren't able to look out and see the ninjas standing above, trying to help them.
Fagomonius: Who are these ninjas?

Smarticus: I will tell you.
Fagomonius: O.K.

Smarticus: Ninjas are the human form of being pumped up. And they hold ropes for the regular people to climb out. Only when somebody escapes, they can understand REAL Ultimate Power.
Fagomonius: Has anyone made it out?

Smarticus: A few. But when they go back to teach the others, they are poo-pooed. Nobody listens and they are beaten.
Fagomonius: That's so immature.

Smarticus: Si."

(this excerpt is from: Hamburger, R., "REAL Ultimate Power," 2004 (pg. 50-51)

Ninjas are a symbolic concept in this piece, when Robert talks about Ninjas he is referring to the physical and mental emodiment of being Really Really Pumped Up. As his editor/babysitter John suggests in a footnote...Robert is standing above the "hole" and offering us ropes to climb out of our rut....climb to the top of the hole....lift ourselves out of it....and then finally get very pumped.

Yet, there is a scary side to getting pumped though, sometimes Robert speaks of "flipping out" and these flip outs sometime involve spitting on the carpet or even french kissing his dog. It seems in his moments of full fledged pumpery...he at times makes questionable decisions.

Which begs the question....


Can You be "Too Pumped Up?"
A statement from the Past rocks the world of the Future....

I recently unearthed statements made by a human I'm very familiar with, in which the concept of being "too pumped up" was brought to my ears for the very first time. It was in a documentary film narrated by one Donald Sutherland in which Don details 20 years of Montreal Expos memories which occurred from 1969 'til 1988.

Legend

Now, before we look at this man's comments I first want to set-up that he's not the jabroni that many in Montreal claim he is...in fact this man is a severely huge Legend. I'm, of course, talking about Steve Rogers (not Capt. America but the baseball pitcher).

Steve Rogers pitched for 13 years in an Expos uniform with a career earned run average of 3.17 in close to 3000 innings pitched, which for those who don't know is really really fucking good. He made it to the All Star game 5 times, including the 1982 All Star Game, where he was the starting pitcher on his home turf at Montreal's Olympic Stadium.

Rogers, in 1981, defeated Steve Carlton twice in a mini-ad-hoc playoff series (due to the strike shortened season), which got the Expos to the NLCS. Shit, he didn't get any run support in one game against Carlton so the guy singled in some RBIs his fucking self! Damn.

Still, despite a pretty hall-of-fame-esque career (unfortunately in 1991 he got 0% of the votes and fell of the ballot), this guy is viewed negatively in Montreal for one pitch he threw in a super-rare relief performance to Rick Monday circa October 1981.

He threw the "Blue Monday" pitch and that is the ONLY pitch from his amazing career that anyone remembers. He got zero hall of fame votes (not even one), his number 45 was never retired in Montreal despite being the greatest pitcher in their history, and whenever fans approach him to talk to him he KNOWS 100% what they are gonna ask him about....he knows they're gonna talk about Rick fucking Monday again.

In that Donald Sutherland documentary, Rogers states the reason he gave up the most heart breaking homer in Montreal baseball history is due to being...."Too Pumped Up."

"....[I] Came into the game, and I'm sure, it's the adrenaline pump that happens to all short-relievers, they have to learn how to control it and use it..............

.............I was too pumped up."

(-Stephen Douglas Rogers)

(Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6cLVyHxh3k&t=1h48m49s)

As a person who's studied the art and science of getting and staying pumped and who's basically centered my entire life around the getting of and staying PUMPED...this statements hit me like a ton of bricks. These words ripped the carpet from under my feet and left me feeling dazed and confused. Can a person be TOO pumped? It's unheard of and insane to even suggest such a thing...

....or is it?

I began quietly reflecting and really pondering inwardly about if a person can be "too pumped up" and I think he's right. Like say a dude is so pumped that he can't think straight or is so pumped that he makes bad decisions. It seems like something that happens everyday now that I really sit and down and think 'bout it.

Like, imagine a guy who's so pumped he walks out of his house feelin' like to reverse-german-suplex the first creature he sees. Now, if the person he saw that day was a pro-wrestler or a bear...then fine.....but what if the first creature Mr. Hypothetical Super-Pumped saw was a nice old lady or a cute kitty-cat? You can't just reverse-german-suplex an old lady or a cat....fuck man....Steve Rogers is very very correct in his views on being pumped.....

....you 100% can get too pumped. It's true.

It's a balance, I guess. You have to do all you can to get pumped but not too pumped. It's like threading a needle, sorta. Or not really.

You have to get pumped just enough to live life hardcore and git'r dun but you have to make sure not to get so pumped that you make bad choices or spit on the carpet. It's a gift...a gift you have to learn to control and use.



What are the Therapeutically applicable and Mental Health appropriations and the Uses of Gettin'/Stayin' Pumped and/or De-Pumped
Can shrinks use these concepts to be smarter and better at their "jobs"?

The field of psychology and psycho-analysis is a jabroni-laden field of assholes as everyone knows. You never should listen to a "shrink" ever. That dumb psycho-analysis shit has crept into the world in other areas too...like....no one can even listen to Howard Stern or that jabroni Robin anymore for more than 8 seconds because they break out the "shrink" shtick at every opportunity and that show has rendered itself un-listenable to. Howard's become more pretentious than fifty Ira Glasses smushed together and that's not something many people thought would ever happen.

Shrinks should only ask their clients one question...."Are you pumped?"

If they say "No" then you sit them down and get them pumped. You put on some music of their choice that's heavy and you tell them to feel it in their fucking bones and to get pumped.

If they answer "Yes" then maybe they are too pumped and that's why they came to a shrink. In that case the shrink should play some easy music, like lullaby music, and just say relaxing thoughts about like babbling brooks and gentle streams and things of that nature.

That's all. Psycho-analysis could be so easy if shrinks even knew the first thing about pumpology.




Conclusion

As much as it pains me to admit, yes, a human can reach a level of pumpitude which, as Mr. Rogers put it....is simply "too pumped up."

That being said, I still believe 7/10 humans on earth are living life not even close to ever even getting  to the pump-up cut-off point. Say, for instance, you could quantify pumpitude on a scale of integers from 0 to 100....I'd say most people on earth never even reach 60% of full pumpitude during any moment of their entire lifetime.

So, yes, over-pump does exist but it's only a problem for a very select few people who live life on an extremely pumped-up day-to-day existence where getting over-pumped would manifest itself as a problem. If you like getting pumped then just remember that over-pumped does indeed exist but you shouldn't lose too much sleep over this concept.

Yes I do, and thank you very much for asking.

(Extra Bonus Opinion:

On a somewhat unrelated note, and since we did cover the topic of spitting on carpets and I briefly touched on Howard n' Robins new-age psycho-babble....I feel it is on topic to comment on the current feud between Gilbert Gottfied and Howard Stern...

For those of you who remain unaware, Gilbert horked loogies all over Howard's set and carpet and got permanently banned from the show forever and ever.

First off, I do not agree with or condone the spitting on carpets by any individual...it is yucky and it is gross and Gilbert should not have done this to Howard's carpet.

Yet, I think just like when Robert Hamburger or his dog Francine spit or piss on the carpet...Gilbert's spit incident was due to being overly pumped. Why? Because I think he was pumped to come in and laugh at the news and a do a cute little bit like usual and wasn't expecting Howard and Robin to be in full psycho-analysis mode and I don't think he was ready or set up to be hit by 50 Ira Glasses smushed together. I think Gilbert got angry and thus became over-pumped....and I believe that's why he spit on Howard's carpet.

So, yeah.)

Stupidest Fake Wrestling / Talk Show Host Cross-Overs

A lot of people use "stupid" as a pejorative insult and in many cases it is....but in the field of Entertainment, "stupid", isn't a bad thing at all and in many cases is a compliment.

Would things like Strange Brew, Beavis and Butthead, or something like that be enjoyable if it wasn't about the antics of stupid people? Would I sit and watch an episode of Beavis and Butthead if it was about two brain surgeons discussing brain surgery techniques? Of course not, I watch that to see two insipidly stupid dudes fucking up and hurting themselves. Stupid rules.

One of the most stupid forms of entertainment over the years has without a doubt been Fake Wrestling, again this isn't an insult, Fake Wrestling is the good kind of stupid. I mean where else can you see as much drama-laden, over the top, stupidity as you do on Fake Wrestling? Very few places offer the same amount and same kind of stupidness that is offered to you in gallons with Fake Wrestling.

????

How stupid is this shit? I've seen a guy light a fire cracker no where near his opponent...yet something about the flash caused his opponent to be bedazzled and swoon. I've seen shit on this shit that's so dumb that I often just stop and wonder what the fuck I'm looking at. Basically, what I'm sayin' is, Fake Wrestling is so stupid that's it's veritably surreal.

I'd describe Fake Wrestling as Stupid Performance Art as opposed to any other way to describe it and, again, that's not an insult....there's times where the art is so stupid that it's very very cool and very fun to observe.

Often at times, people from the Real World will cross-over into this Land of Stupidity...we all remember Mr. T (star of TV's The A-Team) showing up at Wrestle Mania One, we remember the great Liberace popping into this world as a "Celebrity Time Keeper",  many recall Mike Tyson teaming up with DX a few years ago to fuck someone up, or when Beetlejuice showed up to get smashed with a guitar, and recently the legendary Pee Wee Herman stopped by to hang out in this strange land.

But...Mr .T, Liberace, Mike Tyson, Beet, and Pee Wee are people you'd expect to pop into the World of Fake Wrestling to perform some Stupid Performance Art from time to time....these are guys who genuinely fit into that world and don't seem out of place at all whilst immersed into it.

As the title of this article suggests, there's been times where a breed of human known as Talk Show Hosts have ventured into this land to engage in SPA (stupid performance art) as well.

We shall be looking into five instances where the Realm of Talk Shows and the Realm of Fake Wrestling intersected and ran congruently for a set interval of time.

Entries shall be ranked on a scale of 10 (ten being Super Stupid and zero being Retarded).

Jon Stewart (intersecting with) Seth Rollins

Recently a feud was birthed out of the fiery taunts directed by one Seth Rollins towards one Jon Stewart. Rollins would taunt Stewart from his camp on WWE's Monday Night Raw whilst Stewart would retort said taunts from at his home base at the The Daily Show.

It didn't take long for his war of words from their base-camps to escalate into an all-out face-to-face beef between the two as a few days after the initial taunts Rollins totally showed up on the Daily Show to put Stewart in a head-lock.

It seems the beef reached its boiling point yesterday,

 

Shots were fired off left and right yet as you could plainly see when the time came for fisticuffs to erupt...Stewart kicked that dude in the dick and skadadledaddled himself to safety.

Now, people might see that as cowardice, but look, I've read Sun Tzu's Art of War and am versed in all 36 divine stratagaems of combat. Do you know out of all of the 36 divine stratagaems of combat which one Sun Tzu himself referred to as the most divine of the divine tactics? Skedaddlin' that's which one.

If shit is getting hot, man, just poke a dude in a eyes, or kick a dude's nuts, and Skee-Fucking-Daddle....that's honestly the best advice anyone can ever give someone. If you're ever in doubt about the outcome of a fight, do like Stewart, and SKEE DEEEDLY DADDLE out of the mother fucker post-haste.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 7/10

Drama Stupidity: 9/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10

OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10



Jerry Lawler + Andy Kaufman (intersecting with) David Letterman

Memphis Wrestling was some real old school shit that existed before Fake Wrestling was monopolized and if you watch all these Memphis Fake Wrestlings on the youtube you'll probably be pretty entertained by this stupid shit. The premise of the show was mainly "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager versus other "stables" of wrestlers led by a manager. Jimmy Hart rose to prominence in Memphis Wrestling as the head of a stable as did many other managers. You don't really see managers too much anymore but they were good because unlike most of the talent....these manager characters could act.

Memphis used to get famous people to stop by and chill, for example here's that Batman Adam West showing up (for no reason):

I don't really know what's going on here. Either Adam is jet-lagged, drunk, or really not happy to be there and is really trying to act odd to make them regret flying him out there. I love shit like this. Adam West, in my opinion, is THE ONLY BATMAN, no other people who played Batman can even come close to what West did with the Batman character.

Another guy Memphis got to stop by and chill was Andy Kaufman....but Kaufman was a little more enthusiastic about being there than West was. Kaufman made a whole shtick out of his appearances on this show and really pulled out all the stops to create some legendary Stupid Performance Art. He developed a feud with Jerry Lawler (Lawler is seen in the clip above speaking with Batman).

The feud between Kaufman and Lawler hit its fever pitch (as many know thanks to the Kaufman hollywood bio-pic) on the set of David Letterman's Late Night program:

The King slapped that mother fucker right in his fucking face. Back in the day most of the people watching this wondered if this was a shtick or not....both guys are good actors and played the SPA really well...no matter what venue they showed up in these guys sold their shit, man.

This was done so well it is barely even stupid...it's like a level of believability that almost makes you forget they were doin' a Fake Wrestling. The actual wrestling matches on Memphis between Lawler and Kaufman were pretty stupid though...mainly involving a whole buncha skedaddlin', turtling, wigglin', and all-around silliness.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 10/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 7/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 9/10


Hulk Hogan n' Mr. T (intersecting with Richard Belzer)

Poor, poor, Richard Belzer. The Belz had the Hulkster and My Favorite Person Ever Mr. T on his program for them to promote Wrassle Mania One and all kinds of hijynx broke loose....

Basically, Belzer asked Hogan to practice some holds on him and Hogan proceeded to choke out Belzer and when the Belz hit the floor after passing out...he cracked his coconut open, observe...

Hold the phone though, THIS WAS NOT A SHTICK, Belzer cracked his head open and then successfully sued Hogan for a coupla million bux. Fuck, yo.

I don't know how to rate this one since it wasn't a shtick at all and that poor man got his skull split open...so, I'm just gonna give it a run of threes and move on.

Stupidty Quantifiers:

General Silliness: 3/10

Drama Stupidity: 3/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 3/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 3/10


Rowdy Roddy Piper (intersecting with) Morton Downey Jr.

This bit featured the in-ring talk show Rowdy Roddy used to host during live Fake Wrestlings. I don't really know why they do these bits, it's like, they want to take a break from the fake wrestling to set up new feuds...I guess that's the reason for the in-ring talk shows.

Piper invited a man with his face painted red known as Brother Love and the late great Mort Downey Junior to join him at Wrestle Mania V for a nice a little chat. I guess you'd call this an insult competition or something. I used to do these at school but we called them "Shafting Competitions" back when the word "shafting" was briefly popular in the early 90s.

Piper proceeds to verbally abuse Brother Love until he skeddadles out of the ring and home to his mommy...and then Piper turns his verbal fury unto Downey.....yet is shocked when his verbal abuse is ineffective against him.

Fuck man, Morton Downey Jr. is unverbally-abusable...he eats insults for breakfast and shafts for lunch. Verbal abuse is like bread n' butter to Morton Downey, he loves that shit. This fucking guy has the nerve to breathe smoke directly into Piper's fucking face, holy shit, right in his fucking face! Even after Piper politely asked Downey to stop blowing smoke into his face the guy just keeps on blowing smoke RIGHT IN his FUCKING FACE. Can you believe it?

Right in the guy's fuckin' face.....

Here watch it here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1vxekc_piper-s-pit-wwf-wrestlemania-5_sport

As you can see in the link, Piper gets the last laugh (well it was his in-ring talk show after all, they were on his turf), as he unloads the contents of a fire extinguisher directly into the face of Morton Downey Jr, Wow.

This bit would have been better without that fucking tomato faced jackass "Brother Love" in the pit....that asshole can't act for shit. Piper and Downey did some good SPA here though, they did some good shit with this pit bit.

General Silliness: 9/10

Drama Stupidity: 6/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 10/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 8/10


Hogan et al. (intersectin' with) Jay Leno

I didn't really get this one at all. Unlike the trash talking fun ones like with Downey n' Kaufman n' others...Leno played a super baby-face character that kind of came off as like....I dunno how to describe it...he looked like a kid from those "make a wish foundation" type charities who got his wish to be a wrestler with Hulk Hogan. It just looked weird...like a big child is what he looked like.

Video here: http://www.wwe.com/videos/jay-leno-diamond-dallas-page-vs-hulk-hogan-eric-bischoff-road-wild-1998-26009542

He plays it like he's one of the gang, like some little kid who the wrestlers let throw them around because it's the child's make-a-wish wish. It's just strange looking...but it's not really stupid though.

I don't even know if I'm allowed to use the word "stupid" in this situation because I think Jay Leno really is slightly mentally handicapped in real life and therefore you're not allowed to say that in that situation.

You see, the rules with calling someone stupid or 'tarded is this...you can call anyone you want stupid or retarded from a president to a pauper as long as they are NOT legitimately mentally handicapped. In the case where someone is genuinely certifiably mentally disabled then you cannot refer to them as being stupid or as a retard...you have to give the mentally challenged people a lot of leeway and be positive when you talk about them.

I honestly believe that Jay Leno is borderline mentally handicapped...I mean from his "comedy" to his odd looking pudgy face. When you watch him in this fake wrestling you really see a child who's living his wrestling dreams and he looks like a big fat mentally disabled child.

So in that case, since I'm not allowed to call him stupid due to leeway reasons I have to shoot zeroes down the line on this bit. I don't want to call a borderline mentally disabled man "stupid" because it's not correct in this day and age. Therefore, Jay gets a very "special" rating of all zeroes.

General Silliness: 0/10

Drama Stupidity: 0/10

Miscellenous Stupidity: 0/10


OVERALL STUPIDITY: 0/10


Assessment

From most stupid to least stupid. Some entries are being omitted in the final tally...Belzer gets removed because it was not a mutually agreed upon shtick and therefore wasn't exactly Stupid Performance Art and Jay Leno gets removed from the assessment because his was more of a "very special boy" living his wrestling dreams and wasn't really SPA either:

WINNER: Kaufman/Lawler on Letterman

Runners-Up: Jon Stewart/Seth Rollins and Morton Downey Jr./Rowdy Roddy Piper

 
Kaufman and Lawler on Letterman wins...that shtick is pretty tight. They sold it to the point where the average viewer who wasn't familiar with Memphis Wrestling probably had no idea it was a shtick and was like "holy shit" while watching that bit. Those two assholes can sell bits and Letterman acted as a good mediator that kept the shit brewin' up good.

The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss The Most

All over the world, on the average of every 41 seconds, a celebrity leaves their mortal coil and ceases to be member of the global human community. It's a sad story, it really is. It really really is.

Death sucks. Everyone hates Death because it is universally-all-encompassingly unfair, retarded, and stupid. Dying is probably one of the top, if not the topper-most item, on a list of the worst things that can happen to a human being.

It doubly sucks when a celebrity dies because celebs are famous for the reason that they are very cool and people really like them. Like, on the other hand, when a person dies who people hate like a Gaddafi or something, nobody fucking cares because he was a fucking asshole...but when a big Celebrity Star passes on...everyone is very upset because everyone loved that shining star.

I can't even imagine what dying feels like but I bet you anything it sucks shit. It's like one moment you're all alive and bouncing around, doin' the do, slam dunkin', break-dancin', and having a blast....then the next minute...you're dead. That's some bullshit right there. That's some dumb shit is what that is. Fuck Death, yo.

I have compiled a brief list of the Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most and will now present it to any parties (if any) who are interested to know this.

The Most-Missed Deceased Stars of Yesteryear


Evel Knievel

Born: October 17, 1938 in Butte, Montana
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: November 30, 2007

How'd He Get Famous? 

At the age of eight years old, Evel, attended a automotive dare-devil show presented by Joie Chitwood and he was mesmerized by the death-defying stunts he witnessed and vowed to live a life chalk-full of insane and ridiculous craziness so that everyone who ever looked at him felt the same way he felt whilst he observed Joie Chitwood as a child. 

He made it his life's work to do crazy shit with motorcycles in order to make all the people wig out and flip for no other reason than the fact that he knew in his heart that this was the correct way to live his life.

 Yo, one time Evel jumped 19 cars on his motorcycle...

"I am the Last Gladiator here in the New Rome

I go into the Arena and Compete Against Destruction

...and I WIN.

And next week I go out there and I DO IT AGAIN!

....and at this time, civilization being what it is and all,

we have very little choice about our life,

the only thing really left is a choice about our DEATH.

And mine will be....

....Glorious"

Why did he do that shit? Why did he do shit like jump over all manners of pitfalls and obstacles? Why did this man risk his life for the thrill of death? Why did he live life so full of crazy death-defying madness? Why did he not fear death? Because he lived his life like a man who didn't give a damn, like a man who did not give a fuck, like a dude who would jump over a canyon at top speed of what probably felt like a zillion miles per hour.

Why did he do that crazy-ass shit for the 69 years he was on this earth for? 

Because he wanted to.

Why did he want to? Because he felt like it. That's why.



The Macho Man Randy Savage / The Macho King Randy Savage

Born: November 15, 1952 in Columbus, Ohio
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: May 20, 2011

How'd He Get Famous? 

Randy Savage was drafted by the St-Louis Cardinals baseball club as a youth and Randy had big dreams of being a baseball legend yet despite hitting pretty well in the minors the Macho Man never made the majors and hung up his cleats for good.

Luckily his family was in the rassling game, his father Angelo Poffo was a champion of a rasslin circuit in his youth and taught the tricks of the trade to his sons Lanny and Randy....and the rest is history.

Randy Savage had the deepest craziest voice and his trademark "ooooh yeah" and "can you dig it" was mimicked by any man/woman/child who heard it. 

Randy has the distinction of creating the most romantic event in sports history when he became the first man to marry his wife in a wrestling ring during the "match made in heaven". It occurred in 1991 and I still get tears in my eyes when watching old footage of the exquisite ceremony (narrated by Gorrilla Monsoon)...

He lived his whole life before the Nation's Eyes

This wasn't a shtick, they really got married at Summer Slam '91. The whole wide world was invited to Macho Man's / Macho King's wedding. Everyone felt like they knew him and when you know someone you always get sad when they die.

 
Randy is also famous for composing what is now regarded as the GREATEST rap album of all time,

"Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
And I'm about ready to blow
Uhhh Oohh!! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble!
Oh No! Ya better watch yourself cuz I'm bad for your health
Ya feelin' the wrath of Macho
Uhhh Oohh! Now There's Gonna Be Trouble"

If I was a doctor or psychologist or a therapist or something like that and I had a patient come in complaining of fatigue, lethargy, depression, or general lameness...I'd recommend 100 cubic centimetres of this album STAT.

This album could pump up anyone, it doesn't matter who you are or what you are...this album'll make you feel wicked. Not just young hip cats but fucking old folks too.

I went to an old folks home this one time and I was very shocked to see all the oldoes just sitting in the dark and thinking about stuff and being boring. People think old people in these homes are on their last legs and the blood doesn't pump anymore in their veins but you're wrong. In the frail chassis of each elderly person beats the heart of a person who wants to flip out and do flips and do the funky chicken and get fucking crazy. These old motherfuckers just want to hot-diggity-damn set it off but they just can't find the spark that'll spark up their asses and make them lose their shit anymore. They wanna be young again, they wanna turn it up and turn it out to some Myron "Mother Fuckin" Floren like in the olden days. You think these oldoes were always old? No way, they used to fucking flip just like you do but now their brains and their hearts just lack the spark to make 'em kick out the jams and lose it, that's all....but it's still there somewhere....deep down in the bowels of their souls the need to get buck is still there.

Volunteers at old folks homes should do a test and play Macho Man's rap album and see what effect it has on their old brains. I bet you 80% of the time, even if they don't understand it at first, these old fuckers will get up and get down and smash some shit up. These old sons-of-bitches and old hoes'll fucking start launching their rockin' chairs around the crib and just plain power-slamming their pillows onto their beds and just getting fucked up and wild. All of those Oldoes n' Grannies will be back-flippin'.

Man, I think that movie the Wrestler with Mickey Rourke really sums up why Macho Man / Macho King is a serious and badass man. I love that scene in the Wrestler where like he's done wrestling and Mickey's working at the grocery store and he's like filling cups of potato salad and macaroni salad for these player-hating middle-of-the-road homogenized-pablum-pukin' yentas...and something just washes over him...and Mickey Rourke just stops cutting the meat he's slicing for this jabroni and he just SLAMS his fucking hand into the meat slicer and he starts like fucking SHOOTING FUCKING BLOOD all over the fucking place and people are all like "WHAT DA FUCK, GUY!?" and the middle-of-the-roadin' playa hatin' bozos are flippin' their wigs and going bananas looking at this guy shooting fucking blood all over the fucking grocery store.

That was cool.

If you really break it all down, aren't we all just walking this earth as mere Ultimate Maniacs, and ultimately in the end, all we really have is our precious Ultimate Maniacism...ya-know-what-I-mean?

It gets to a point where it really just doesn't matter.....

Ernest P. Worrell

Born: June 15, 1949 in Lexington Kentucky
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: February 10, 2000

How'd He Get Famous?

Ernest was a hero to an entire generation of people on earth, a veritable champion who represented all in which was great and good in the world. Many have gone as far to call him a modern-day Jesus Christ or a modern day Mohammad. A man with no evil in his heart nor ill-will in his conscious...a true hero and role model to all the humans of earth.

The world would be a better place if we were all a little more Ernest.

Yet in 2000, our champion was taken from us. Our go-to guy, the one each and every one of us looked to for advice, hope, and wisdom was stripped from our society's desperate clutches and removed from our world. After the initial shock passed, many openly wondered what a post-Ernest Society would be like. Could a post-Ernest society function? What would the future be like in an un-brave new world without Ernest?

Society still mourns for this Ernestless World, nay, the organism of earth itself, the actual planet itself feels that a component has gone missing from its minor core, nay-nay, the entire Universe knows a piece of the puzzle which governs the entropic-ever-regenerative life-cycle of Universe is missing in this Non-Ernest Universe Scenario.

Can society, the planet, and entropic-ever-regenerative Scenario Universe cope sans Ernest? 

I fucking doubt it.



 
Mr. Dynamite, The Human Godfather of Soul....Mister....James Brown

Born: May 3, 1933 in Barnwell, South Carolina
Taken by the Cold Hands of Death: December 25th, 2006

(talk about Death being unfair...imagine dying on Christmas? That'd suck shit)



How'd He Get Famous? 

James Brown blew the roof off of shit houses, barn houses, church houses, farm houses, log houses, stone houses, and BRICK houses...all night long...all day long. Wham Bam, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8, thank you 'mam.

James Brown rocked 'til he got too HOT, he rolled 'til he got too COLD, and souled all the way home...then he brought it to the BRIDGE...yeah...take it to the BRIDGE...then rocked 'til he got too HOT, rolled 'til he got too COLD..... (Times Infinity).

 Hey let me tell ya!!
Get down with my woman, that ain't right! You hollarin' and cussin', you wanna fight!!
Don't do me no darn favor, 

I don't know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!!! (yes he do!!)
Get ready THAT'S A FACT, Get ready you Mother for the big payback (the big payback!) 

Ka-Razy is a skill, man, that you have to hone and really work at to master. This man was Ka-Razy, he was the King of Ka-Razy, he was the longest-legged, the mackest, and the daddiest of the most soul-intensified variation of Ka-Razy that ever walked on the face of this EARTH. 

If you made a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich but instead of using butter n' jelly you used SOUL-INTENSIFIED FUNK on one side of the bread and FUNK-INTENSIFIED SOUL on the reciprocating piece of bread...you'd have yourself a James Brown sandwich!

Holy shit you guys, I've been saying the word FLIP and FLIP OUT a lot lately, and I'm pretty sure I stole that from Robert Hamburger...but in this case, when talkin' 'bout James Brown he used to LITERALLY make people FLIP OUT and do actual fucking BACK FLIPS because his SOUL INTENSITY boiled over. I watched this movie Blues Brothers once and the aforementioned Blues Bros went to church but inside the church wasn't some dude reading bible stuff...it was JAMES BROWN on the podium slammin' out some kicks and kickin' out some slams! And you know what? One of the Blues Brothers started to ACTUALLY and not exaggeratingly FLIP....check this shit out:

At around 1:50 he starts to actually FLIP OUT (sorry it's the German dubbed version)

Wow, talk about flippin out. Talk about thoroughly flippin' out. Did you guys see James Brown's funeral on TV? Talk about flippin'....it wasn't like a depressing lame funeral where like family n' friends look at a casket with a dead embalmed body whilst some bozo who've they've never met says some nice things about the "dearly departed"...no way, Jose....James Brown's funeral was like some kind of Block Party on Steroids where like thousands of people came to dance and FLIP OUT and go NUTS and get HOT n' get COLD n' take it to the BRIDGE, this that and everything, and then they did it all again. Did you see that shit? That was the buckest and wildest funeral that anyone ever did.

Can you imagine, like you're sooooo fucking cool, that when you die...nobody is sad...but they all meet up and FLIP OUT to celebrate how fucking cool you were? They held his funeral at an Arena that was named after him, an arena that has an over 9000+ capacity. 

Man, imagine bein' so cool that your damn funeral is held in a sold out arena named after you? That's Ka-Razy.

Should I get in the hottub should I make ya sweat? Should I, ha, get in the hot tub? I can't stand it, ha, gonna get in the hot tub, gonna make me sweat. You wanna sweat? Then get in the hot tub, come on let's break out inta a COLD SWEAT, ha, get in, hot tub, hot tub, ha, hot tub, gonna get ya hot, gonna make ya sweat, rubba-dub, gonna make ya sweat, ha.

Conclusion

  

Ya gotta live hard, you gotta live Ka-Razy, you gotta do the do, you gotta FLIP OUT, you gotta get in the the proverbial hot-tub, you gotta sweat, ha, you gotta jump over like 19 fucking cars and rap, you gotta do BACK FLIPS, you gotta get decked out in red n' white n' blue and jump the grand fucking canyon! 

What are you waitin' for? Get in the hot tub....get hot...start to mutate because it's so hot...let all the bacteria formin' and evolving around you in the tropical atoll of a hot-tub you are in do their thang...as you lie there getting hotter and hotter and then you yourself start to sweat n' evolve into a some kind of an Evel "Macho King" "Godfather of Soul" Knievel of Divine Ernestial proportions !!

Yeah.

End Note: (I wanted to put Elvis and Liberace up in here too, maybe some Dolemite, but a lot of the jokes would overlap....like I was gonna say like....

"Damn, you pablum pukin' middle-of-the-road clown...I bet you live your life eatin' bird food n' gluten free rice cakes and silly things like that! What kind of a punk is you? That fucking Elvis used to hollow out WHOLE LOAVES OF BREAD and slap a whole jar of peanut butter and a whole jar of jelly in there....and then that sunnavabitch would fill all the loaves of bread with POUNDS of bacon to flesh 'em out and then eat those sangwiches ALL DAY LAONG! That's a guy who knew how to fucking live! Holy SHIT! That's a dude who knew how to live..."

But I already did a peanut butter n' jelly paragraph in the James Brown section so it seemed redundant to have another butter n' jelly thing so I didn't do an Elvis section (which I feel shame for to leave Elvis out.))

The Retun of the King? The Building's Gonna be Lit. That Building's Gonna Be LIT !

Montreal Baseball Project president Warren Cromartie released a report today that on April 1st of 2015 none other than The Last Dragon of the Expos himself, Mr. Vladimir Guerrero, will be in Montreal for the first time in 12 years.

It is symbolically and literally...The Return of the King.

He's going to honored along with Timmy "Rock" Raines, Andres "Big Cat" Galarraga, Rusty "Le Grand Orange" Staub, Jacques Doucet, and Hall of Famer Andre "Hawk" Dawson at Montreal Baseball Project's gala on April 1st.

Now as everyone knows Montreal is hosting two exhibition games between the Jays and Reds at the Big O on the 3rd and 4th of April...that is two days after the date Vlad is confirmed to be in Montreal for the first time in 12 years.

The people at Evenko have to get him on the field, even if it is but for a moment, for at least one of the two exhibition games. You don't even understand how nuts people will go if Vlad steps on the field of Olympic Stadium once more...the fans, who've already bought 60K tickets for these games, and many are predicting a FULL HOUSE for BOTH GAMES...these fans will go absolutely MENTAL if Vlad shows up at either or both of these games. They will collectively FLIP OUT as a whole!

I guarantee if Vlad even steps onto the turf of Olympic Stadium for even ONE SECOND....fifty thousand people will totally FLIP OUT...and FLIP OUT HARD! Who me? I'll go nuts, man. Totally absolutely nuts, man. For real.

Vladimir, in Warren Cromartie's words is:

"When people think of the greatest All Stars in Expos history, the name of Vladimir Guerrero is always mentioned. His incredible talent made him one of the most feared hitters in all of baseball and one of the most exciting players to ever wear an Expos uniform" -(Cro)

Straight up.

Vladimir was one, if not the, most electrifying Expo to ever step up the plate to be friggin' great. People used to start standing and clapping and flippin' out just from him walking to the plate before he even did anything because they knew he was gonna smack the ball like a crazy man. He didn't even have a strike zone...he would hit any pitch, any where, any time, any how! He was a Wild Man, a complete and utter Wild Man.

People used to get PUMPED for Vlad, holy crap did they used to get pumped, they used to flip, completely FLIP. I'm telling you, 110%, if this guy even walks onto the field for the briefest of moments, the crowd will get Hella Pumped. He hasn't been in Montreal in over a decade and people wanna get pumped again, they feel it in their hearts and they feel it in their bones. They wanna GET pumped, they wanna BE pumped. Hey, people in Montreal? They were BORNED PUMPED. One Thousand Percent.

They gotta get him on the field on either April 3rd or on April 4th...they just got to. They have to. All the people who already have a massive case of Baseball Fever will thoroughly go absolutely WILD and CRAZY.


Conclusion

If they even get Vlad on the field for 0.00001 seconds...the Crowd'll FLIP OUT.

I'm not lying. They'll FLIP OUT. Seriously, They will literally FLIP OUT!

Ya.

The Funniest Women Comedians Evar

When Joan Rivers died I wanted to write something that day but it wasn't really long enough to be a real article. I'm gonna do one now called Funniest Women Comedians Evar and I'll throw in some other women and it'll flesh out to an entire article as such.

It's going to be five entries in this here and one is an ensemble cast so this list in totallatary will involve eight human females to be exact (most of which are unfortunately deceased, R.I.P.). All five entries will be listed, then the greatest shall be declared Funniest Lady Ever.


The Finalists

The Golden Girls

I used to watch this show all the time and I don't care if anyone thinks I'm not manly for doing that because this show was fucking funny, for real. The Golden Girls is one of the greatest ensemble comedy casts in all of history as all four corners of the Human Comedy Square which made up this crew were all funny and talented in their own way.

In Ninja Turtle terms, Bea Arthur was the Leonardo character, Estelle Getty was Donatello, Betty White was Michaelangelo, and Rue McClanahan was Raphael. Well, more or less I'd say.

The Golden Girls fucking kick ass, I'm very surprised there was never a Golden Girls video game ever made because I can picture in my mind at least 36 genres of video games in which it would have transitioned into very well. Maybe not so much a Fighting Game...but a Golden Girls RPG or a Golden Girls town buidling sim with Bea Arthur as the mayor of a small town (i.e. Saint Olaf) would have been simply golden. I know you can't really picture the video games I'm thinking about because they only exist in my weird mind, but believe you me, they rock so much.

There's many tv theme songs that I can sing on the spot and 100% verbatim with no no mistakes and I don't care what anyone thinks but GGs is one of those songs, seriously, this song was so good.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWbz_mIAShM)

That song let's you know, right off the bat, that this crew is very legit and will always have each others backs even in the hardest of times. A friendship like theirs is powerful indeed and the only thing more powerful than their human friendship was their comedic prowess. The Golden Girls were big-time Legends, no doubt about it.

Rose-Anne Barr

Rose Anne is kind of kooky and riddled with plastic surgery now but back in the nineties she was the queen of prime time and with good reason...she was fucking funny. She was a big gal with a dirty mouth and she didn't give many fucks at all about what people thought about her. She said the stuff she wanted to say and did the shit she wanted to do and barely even cared. That's cool.

To highlight to what point Roseanne didn't give a fuck, here for example she's in Jack Murphy Stadium just destroying the sacred national anthem of her nation and not even given two fucks as the whole entire stadium booos the FUCK out of her....

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls1YVhcLD2c)

She's got balls, or I guess for ladies you should say, she's got fucking ovaries, yo. She liked being herself and didn't care what nobody thought and that's really a key ingredient in being funny. I rank this anthem as one of the best renditions of our times, I really do, it's fucking original for sure.

Her sitcom was the best sitcom on TV for many years until it jumped the shark (their shark jump point was when Dan started having affairs and shit and the show just got stupid). It was a very real show and the actors were believable...the family was de-beavered of all the Leave it to Beaver-ness most TV families suffered from which made viewers relate to it better.

She's a comedy legend, 110%.

Jean Stapleton

Stapes was the wife character on All in the Family, for those who don't know, and she was a stellar actress who knew how to bring the fucking comedy.

I think the "Edith Bunker" character was born out of an exec telling Jean, "okay this character is sort of annoying, aloof, and a bit odd," and she just latched onto to those 3 traits and went into overdrive, creating one of the most annoying, aloof, and odd characters in the history of acting.

Similar to Roseanne's show, All in the Family, was not your perfect-werfect family and all the characters were pretty dimwitted and strange. The character of "Edith" was so funny that a lot of the shows tended to give the Edith character room to work as she stole the spotlight quite often. The Archie character was the headliner of the show but he took a back seat to the Edith character quite often because she could rake in her own share of the laughs from the audience.

A lot of the shows featured long-winded, pointless, monologues by Edith:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kkue1ns4XvU)

The character Stapleton created is one of the most memorable ever in television lore. Everyone knows a friend or relative like Edith and Stapleton took that as the basis for the character and exaggerated it into something which was simply hilarious. 

She's an All-Star caliber comedienne, she was for real.

Joan Rivers

Rivers was versatile and was headlinin' on many genres from stand-up, to talk show, to trash talk show, to fashion police, etc, etc, etc. Her act was very versatile.

Similar to Roseanne, the later years of Joan Rivers was highlighted more by her insane facial reconstruction than her comedy. To estimate a ball park number, Joan Rivers must have spent at least 50 million dollars on plastic surgery...which is quite an expensive habit.

Aging is part of life, there's no reason a 70 year old woman should attempt to look like a 40 year old woman. There's nothing wrong with aging, it's not a sin to get old, it happens to everyone. It's really no big deal. To try and fight it with an asinine amount of operations is crazy...it's actually a mental disorder is what it is.

Joan Rivers talked a lot of shit, man. By the time of her death she was still embrangled in like seven different media controversies. She called some famous couple's baby ugly, she pissed off all the Muslims with something she said, she called some woman fat and that blew up into a big huge deal. She pissed off everyone, holy shit, she was a real card this one, my gosh. She didn't give no shit either, she had ovaries too, check this out when some dude gets pissed because she does a joke about how she hates kids and would only like to have a blind and deaf one because they'd be easier to manage...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAD-ky3TYQk)

When you talk a lot of shit you have to ready to handle the fall-out/feed-back that finds it way back to you and this lady could handle it, she stood up for comedy as a whole when she told that loser to shut his fucking face up. 

Joan wins points with me too because she was down with my boys from Gwar...

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWRKlNlRsgI)

She was chill, for sure. She was one of comedy's brightest human stars for many a year. She knew how to work and she knew how handle the haterz, she was pretty hard, she was pretty hard, she's a legend for sure.

LaWanda Page

This is my lady, right here. Watching this lady work has made me laugh more than any other female human ever...she was a damned professional that's what she was. 

Similar to Stapleton, who's career overlapped with LaWanda's in the seventies, she was on a sitcom and would routinely steal the stage. Unlike Jean, LaWanda wasn't on every single episode of her sitcom, Sanford and Son, so she was never over-used and you never got tired of her. She got only enough air-time that you were always left wanting more Aunt Esther. She could steal the show too, and she was working with Redd Foxx as the headliner, who was a pretty big deal in that era. She could rob the show if she wanted to, she was fucking hilarious.

The Aunt Esther character was supposed to be a respectable chruch-going character but she had a crazy violent ugly side that was fucking funny. Here's a good example of Esther being Esther...

See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48WCvHJxses&t=15m21s

(note: that above vid is uploaded weird, it seems the uploader sped it up a bit , they are talking at a  bit faster tempo than normal, they sound like their voices are too high pitched.)

She plays that character so well, and so funny, that she headlinin' the whole scene....and it became a common thing that when Esther busted on the scene, she would steal the whole damned show.

Before she was a hit on sit coms LaWanda preformed stand-up, and holy moly was she a dirty comedienne. She put out "party records" similar to Rudy Ray Moore or Blowfly or someone like that. Take a gander at some of her prime bits:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OHQJXy3Dzc)

She can't go 2 seconds without swearing. She's dirty as fuck.

Okay, she's filthier than anyone ever. No one has nothing on LaWanda, she's the fucking greatest. I don't think Redd Foxx, Rudy Ray Moore, or Blowfly could be dirtier than this lady, she's possibly the filthiest comic ever.

Funniest Lady Ever

Taking everything into consideration...in my opinion, LaWanda Page is the funniest woman who ever lived. Adding up her filthy stand up career with her Aunt Esther character on Sanford and Son she sums up to being a person who's created a great deal of exceptionally funny material.

All Things Considered: The Funniest Woman in History

Conclusion

If you noticed there was no one from Saturday Night Live on here, it is mainly because those women were never really that funny. I think most female comedians now a days feel that women from SNL are what they should model themselves after and they are not correct in trying to mold themselves after people they see on SNL. Basically the women on this list featured some very key features in what it takes to being a comedic individual. These old school comics are great role models for any young aspiring comic (not only females but males and trannies too). 

Try and be....

LaWanda Page: Dirty as all Heck. 

Joan Rivers: Mean and Versatile.

Jean Stapleton: Over the Top.

Roseanne: Not Givin' a Fuck.

Golden Girls: Unafraid to Age.

I think there's still some modern female comics that display these key features at times, I think that jewish one, Sarah Silverman, can be Dirty as all Heck, Mean and Versatile, while Givin' no Fucks ...hopefully when she starts hitting her 50s and 60s she won't go the route of Roseanne or Joan and hopefully choose not to get loads of surgery and thus proving she's Unafraid to Age....then all she'd be missing is the Over the Top trait. She's a fairly complete comic, I'd say.

That Amy Poehler can be Over the Top, I still remember her as Andy Richter's little sister back in the day in the Upright Citizens Brigade. I think that's the only trait she has though, she nowhere near qualifies for the other four key traits.

The most popular female comedian by far now-a-days is that Tina Fey Bakker person, yet she has none of the traits mentioned and has no real business pretending to be funny. She's like a female variation of Seth Rogan, devoid of all humor yet prancing around like they are fucking hilarious. Like a Seth, she can't stretch herself, she can't work, she can only be a Straight Man (or Straight Woman I guess). If Tina Fey and Seth Rogan made a dirty baby together that baby would be the least funniest creature ever produced. They'd probably give it a retarded name like Seth Fey-Rogan Jr and it would be famous when it got older and everyone on earth would hate that thing so much. The retarded mutant baby would star in Green Hornet 2 and be the actual encapsulation of lame.

Anywho, if you're a female comic and want to be wicked funny...stop watching SNL...and start investing time into the professional stylings of LaWanda, Joan, Jean, Roseanne, and the GGs because those ladies knew how to work, they fucking did, they were downright professionals those women....

...but then again what the fuck do I know anyway? Do whatever you want, really. My opinions don't really actually mean anything.

Hypothetical Hall of Fame Ballot

I love baseball, it's the best, it makes me very happy inside of my heart.

It's hall of fame votin' time again and if I had the opportunity to vote (which I obviously don't) then this would be my hypothetical ballot.

First off, the Steroid Era players, is a hot topic for debate (I wroted on it once too), and I think players who were caught and/or admitted to using steroids will not make the hall of fame. Maybe down the line when society is more accepting of drugs of this nature, and in the case that science is producing safer versions of steroids and human growth hormone, then a committee will probably let some of them in. Voters it seems are not voting for them in this era and I think there is a valid reason as to why they are not voting for them.

The following players are the highest profile players who were caught or admitted use: Bonds, Clemens, McGwire, Sosa, Sheffield, Palmeiro, Kevin Brown, Andy Pettitte, Mike Piazza, Jeff Bagwell, Ivan Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Miguel Tejada, Albert Pujols, and that no-good A-Rod.

Ok, let's get going,

This article will look at each player's case on the ballot minus those names from the above list.


Case by Case 

Craig Biggio

Biggio will make it this year 100% so there's no reason to spend too much time on him. He's basically already in. Only 14 more people have crossed the plate more times than Craig Biggio, this guy scored a heckuva lot of runs in his life.

He will be in this year, no doubt about it.


Hall of Famer? Yes.






Tim Raines

I've wrote about Raines's candidacy on four occasions:

1. http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2011/12/baseball-hall-of-fame-is-incomplete.html
2. http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2012/12/last-year-prior-to-hall-of-fame-voting.html
3. http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2013/11/rock-hall-3.html
4. http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2014/10/the-greatest-lead-off-guys-evar.html 

Rock Raines

I don't know what is holding up Tim Raines' entry into the Hall of Fame, and now that it's down to a 10 year maximum to be on the ballot (Mattingly, Trammell, and Lee Smith get a grandfather clause to stay on the ballot for 15 years but Raines for some reason didn't get that clause), he has only 3 chances left to get in instead of 8. It looks more and more like he won't get in at all which really is a shame.

I think now that the steroid era is dying down and teams are returning to a style of baseball that was less reliant on homeruns for offensive production...more people will start to realize what impact players like Raines brought to the table. His ability to get on base, get around the bases, and score runs is matched by only a few others in all of history.


Hall of Famer? Yes.


Lee Smith

I don't think the amount of innings pitched by Lee Smith is enough to warrant him really making the Hall of Fame, he only appeared in 1,289.1 innings in his entire life which is like 3 times less the amount of innings than what the average hall of fame has pitched.

That being said his era in which he pitched in was the first where the "closer" really started to be looked at as a big deal. Coaches in the eighties were starting to use a guy just for the ninth inning, so his lack of innings pitched was not necessarily because he couldn't log a lot innings but because the role he was being used in only required him to throw that many.

The thing about Lee is that he was a dominant bull-pen pitcher for about 16 years which is pretty amazing, really. He was given the task to pitch only in the ninth inning when they had a close lead (which to me is an odd role to assign a player) and he did that incredibly well. He finished with a 3.03 career ERA and 478 saves.

Even if I think the Saves stat is a very gimmicky and kind of silly stat, this man did take the job assigned to him and proceeded to excel at it for 16 years straight...so, in the end I think he is a Hall of Famer.

Hall of Famer? Yes.


Curt Schilling 
  

Awww, Curt has a booo-boooo, poor Curt.

I've had a lot of bloody injuries and I know that blood doesn't really give any indication of how bad an injury is. It's called a "flesh wound" for a reason...and that's because only the flesh is wounded. I think he's seen as a legend for having a bloody sock in a playoff game but that shit is sort of exaggerated to an extent where it's just annoying to hear about him.

He was sort of linked with roids....many on the '93 Phillies did them (like Dykstra) yet Curt is not mentioned by anyone as having done them. He has an odd investigation for steroids in Boston yet this occurred after his career was over in 2008 where maybe he was thinking of coming back, I don't know. Either way, officially, his name is not linked to steroid use.

He's got decent numbers, it's a shame Randy Johnson and Pedro have shown up on the ballot because it makes his numbers look like trash compared to them. The big stat for him is his 3000+ strikeouts and honestly anyone who struck out that many people in his life is probably a Hall of Famer.

Curt Schilling played in some big markets and still never won a Cy Young award though. He's a tough call, I think he will eventually get in due to his Ks though.

Hall of Famer? Yes.


Edgar Martinez

I come from the view that pitching and defense are paramount to winning ball games, I really do. I know offensive numbers are what makes most fans excited, but one of the reasons I think Schilling (and Mussina too) are Hall of Famers is because pitching and defense is what wins games.

Edgar Martinez was a career DH, meaning he didn't field a position and in the years early on when he did play third base he was atrocious. He finished with a .933 OPS which is amazing but how much of a penalty should he get for never playing defense? I don't know, it's just my opinion that Edgar is not a Hall of Famer.

In the final assessment of things, 1261 RBIs is not enough to warrant his entry...if he never played defense and had like 2000 RBIs then fine but his numbers aren't anything really amazing anyways to begin with.

Hall of Famer? No.


Alan Trammell

I wrote about Trammell not long ago (in an article about him, Mike Marshall, and Dick Allen).

Here: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2014/01/the-greatest-of-people-who-are-not.html

I came to the conclusion that if Ozzie Smith (a contemporary and comparable short stop to Alan) is in the Hall then 100% so should Alan. It's literally just an IF and THEN case scenario with this case.

There's no way he's not a Hall of Famer, really.


Hall of Famer? Yes.


Mike Mussina

K, now there's a manly injury

I remember when he was hit in the face with a line drive and everyone thought his career was done but he made it back and still pitched very well after that scare. His stats are hard to compare to other pitchers from other eras because he pitched through the steroid era so his ERA was definitely higher due to that. If he pitched in the seventies I think Mike would have had a sub-3 ERA, I think that would be a good estimate.

Like Schilling he never got a Cy Young but I still think he will make it with like 75% near the end of his candidacy....I think it'll be a close call but I think he'll make it. Again, I do value pitchers quite highly so maybe it's just me, I don't know.

Unlike Schilling though, his blood image is actually fucking hardcore as fuck, it's not a foot boo-boo it's a broken eye for crying out loud.

Hall of Famer? Yes.


Jeff Kent

Too coiffed lookin'

He played with Bonds on that Giants team where Bonds went nuts, but Kent has stayed out of the steroids scandal's long-casting net of stigma.

Jeff was a great player, who looked like an 80s guy with that mustache too. He was never known as a superstar and due to playing in the steroid era his .855 OPS looks pretty average. If he was a stellar defensive player than he'd be a shoe-in but I don't think anyone saw Kent as a great or even good second baseman.

I have a feeling he'll sneak in because he played in some big market cities but he's borderline at best. If he hit like that in the seventies or eighties then yeah but just because he looks like he played in that era doesn't mean he did. He played in the steroid era where one of his own teammates hit 70 fucking homeruns in one year...his numbers really pale in comparison to his era.

Hall of Famer? No.


Crime Dog

He's a big homer big RBI guy, usually these dudes always make it in with little trouble. I wonder why he doesn't get a lot of votes. The voters are weird with their milestone numbers I find, like say a hypothetical player gets 2,991 hits with a .956 OPS then he's somehow worse than a guy who got 3,000 hits with an .880 OPS. They mainly care about the milestone numbers, they don't care about sample size or anything else.

In the case with the Crime Dog, he got 493 homers in his life....but that's 7 less than 500, if you didn't notice, and 500 homers is one of those milestone numbers that gets you in. Are they really gonna keep Crime out due to 7 measly homers? Gimme a break. If Jim Rice made it than so does he. Rice only had 382 homers...he didn't even make it to 400 let alone 500.

I think Crime should go in.

Hall of Famer? Yes.


Larry Walker

I wrote a long one about him the other day,

Here: http://writtting-d.blogspot.ca/2014/12/on-park-factors-and-hinderance-to-larry.html

I don't know with Larry, I think my brain is saying No but my heart is saying Yeah, He's a Hall of Famah.

I 100% do not think he will ever get in but I for me personally I will put him down as a Yes.


Hall of Famer? Yes.


Don Mattingly

Playing in a big market I think the 4 or 5 great seasons he had somehow got exaggerated into him being of legendary status. He was showered with golden gloves and this and that...good for him. Cut yer side burns for crying out loud you dirty hippie!

He was a great hitter for 3 or 4 seasons but that don't make a hall of fame career.

Hall of Famer? Nope.


Pedro, Unit, n' Smoltz

Pedro Vs. Gerbil (RIP Don Zimmer)

Pedro was the greatest pitcher I ever saw, he was incredible...if he doesn't get 100% of the vote then whoever doesn't vote for him shouldn't be dis-barred but they should be fucking executed for fuck's sake. He's god damned fucking PEDRO for crying out loud he's like the best pitcher ever. He had a sub-2 ERA in the darned steroid era on two occasions (once in the NL and then in the AL), that's actually ludicrous when you think about it. Pedro is literally amazing, the fact that there's probably millions of people named Pedro on earth but he can still be identified solely from his first name is incredible in itself, when someone is talkin' 'bout Pedro you know exactly who they are talkin' 'bout.

Randy too, that guy started as a weird lanky dufus but ended up being a real pitcher's pitcher. He's not as good as Pedro but he's one of those guys who could get 100% of the votes in his first year. He even hit a bird mid-air one time and caused said bird to literally EXPLODE.

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwpRHrAh3pk)

Holy Fuck.

Smoltz? He's going in too, no doubt about it. Oh man I hated Maddux/Smoltz/Glavine so much, they were great though. They got all the calls these guys, man. Sometimes it felt like they paid the umps these three guys. At least that Steve Avery character petered out, there used to be four or them in that clan...4 of their stupid faces to look at.


Conclusion

So the Yes variables and the No variables were:

YES: Pedro, Unit, Smoltz, Biggio, Rock, Lee Smith, Schilling, Trammell, Mussina, Crime-Dog, Walker.

(Schilling, Mussina, Walker, and Lee Smith I think are quite borderline but are Yesses).

NO: Steroiders, Edgar Martinez, Jeff Kent, and Mattingly.